Thank you Dr. Sage! I feel “seen” and validated when I watch your videos. I recently made one last attempt to be “seen” by my mother who is 87 and in failing health. For the past few years, I was no longer willing to carry the burden of her emotions and ensuring her mental health and of course, the relationship devolved because it has always had to be on her terms. She recently did me a favor and chose to cut me out of her life for speaking the truth about her which we have danced around for 7 decades. So she will die having said I can never forgive you as her last words to me. And so be it; it is fitting and I am free.
Hi Laurie, Could you explain more about your issues with your mom? Was it clear to you that there was a problem on her end? I don't mean in the end as you describe it, but as a child and young adult did you clearly see that she was abusive? I know my mom was not well mentally and yet I feel I failed her as a daughter and hurt her.
@@nancybartley4610 Nancy I am so sorry that you feel that way. I always disliked my mother as far back as my first memories. And I always knew the problem was her behavior towards me. But it is a terrible and long process to recognize that this person is who she is and is incapable of change. After many years of therapy, I finally found the voice she effectively shut down for all these years. I wasn’t even raging anymore, just calm but speaking my truth. She cut me out of her life I realized so that she doesn’t have to hear and acknowledge any of it. She would rather die estranged from me than have to “see” me so to speak. She has failed me as a mother my entire life. I have done mothing but sacrifice my own well-being to please her because I always “knew” her acceptance of me was conditional and in the end, she proved I was right about that. I have no guilt or self-blame at all. I hope this helps. Willing to write more if you need it. The hurt inner child that lives inside you deserved a better mom. Please don’t blame yourself. That self-blame is put there by these mothers to control us.
I feel you. I feel you so much. I am 40 and I have decided to give an ultimatum to my 70 year old mother. She either seeks therapy or I am going no contact. She might choose to die bitter and alone, but that is her choice. I am no longer responsible for her mental health.
@@touchedbyfire99your experience is 100% relatable to me across the globe. I also always knew that these violent unpredictable uncontrollable outbursts of rage and anger and resentment are not normal. About 10 years ago I realised she was mentally unwell, but I did not know what it was. Then we met in summer 2022 and I told my father that she has a mental health issue. In winter 2023 I learnt about personality disorders and when we discussed the Borderline, I realised - this is it. It fits to the dot, except that she has never been suicidal or self-harmed. All of her anger was always directed at others. She literally called me a psycho on multiple occasions. She always says everyone else around her is a psycho. She is perfectly well herself.
Hi all! This is the last one on this book! One of my cards somehow disappeared! It should say "Antecedent stress + Current Stress + Indirect Stress + Trigger Thoughts = ANGER." I truly appreciate you so much and I love all of your deeply kind and thoughtful comments! I might be ranting more - lol - given you seem to be ok with it! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for making these videos. I myself am a therapist and am currently in therapy, because I have a mother with BPD. These videos have given me so much insight into my experience and I know will further help me with the services I provide to my clients.
The content that you share is one of the best sources of validation and encouragement I've found in coming to terms with the ongoing effects of having emotionally immature and toxic parents. I so appreciate the time and care you put into these videos. It's nice to hear that you may get some validation, in return. 💚
I'm almost 50 and stupidly fell for the "I want to help you" bait - something that wasn't there before and I had been diagnosed with a medical condition that was interfering with my career. Five years into this newfound hell - an aggressive form of childhood abuse - and feel blessed to have finished a degree and begun working in mental health crisis work because (go figure) I am focused and effective with people experiencing suicidal/homicidal ideation, etc. The problem? "How dare I speak about mental health, my own CPTSD, and anxiety from childhood sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, and start (gasp!) writing about ways I survived. I laughed when I heard you qualifying your expertise with your Ph.D. That is a trauma response! I began reciting a canned summary of my professional and personal successes when I met new people. But I inadvertently walked into horrifying isolation and manipulation that exacerbated my panic attack symptoms. I went no contact but am paying the price - mom likes to contact people and fill them in with fabricated professionally damaging details. I've had a doctor diagnose me with 3 new diagnoses after a 40-minute call with mom - violating HIPAA as my circumstances did not qualify for the information exchange and the records clearly state the violation. As a child, we lived outside a major city but had little interaction with anyone. Mom said my paternal grandma "offered her advice early in the marriage" so she was "out." Paternal grandpa remarried and we weren't allowed to "talk about our family" during the 2-4 hours/year we saw them. At 36 I told mom about the repeated sexual abuse by our female babysitter (I was 6, she was developed and showed me porn magazines etc). I heard a gasp, got the evil eyes, and "DIDN'T I TEACH YOU BETTER??!!" I tried to backpaddle out of fear and didn't think that would unleash the most unreal decade. I take seminars, own the DSM-5, check myself because everything my mother is has been projected on me and given her intellect and ability to mask, I'm giving up. I have flash drives with all of the information and am grieving this everyday while slowly taking a positive step toward a life I want. Kind of pathetic but it is because I HAVE FEELINGS! I may crawl until I can disappear from her toxic reach - literally change my name under the DV laws - but I still have hope. My question - HOW ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY so openly? Even if factual, my family has $$$$ and will likely try to sue me for their slander and harassment. It is crazy. Oh, my mother is "the queen." She literally made an off-comment about my "loyalty" - inferring that because I'm working in mental health and went through EMDR and therapy that I'm "out" too. AMEN!
❤Love Love Love your rant today! It’s me 💯! My adult life has been horrible with my mother! I have 3 teenagers and I am at the point where I don’t want to waste my energy on her!!! With my mother I am always in trouble or bad… so I just don’t care anymore! She has made HER bed! I’m not walking away because I’m teaching her a lesson! I’m walking away because I’ve learned my lesson! ❤
@@cathyhunnemeder3064100%. Because guess what happens when you have children of your own. Your BPD mother will go after them. Mine totally did and it traumatised my daughter to the core.
Thank you! I honestly find your "rants" to be validating and very helpful. From going to several different therapists over the years, it seems as though many still do not really have a good grasp of BPD or NPD traits and how to deal with them effectively. Both my sister and I have tried to set boundaries in the past with the help of therapists and our parents refused to accept boundaries or to accept any responsibility for their actions. Many of my past therapists repeatedly pushed for me to not go "no contact" with my parents or even to use mitigation techniques such as "grey rock" and so I stopped going to them.
Yes! Thank you for reminding me that we forgive to release ourselves not to release the people who have done us harm. I, too, find myself smiling since coming across your content - everything is making so much sense for me. Thank you
Hi, I am 52, diagnosed with cptsd a year ago. My mom had bpd and was suicidal my whole childhood and young adult life. When I was about 24 I learned that she was an incest survivor. This knowledge made it easier for me understand her mental state and helped me forgive. Not saying our relationship was fine or that I forgot but understanding that she was traumatized helped makes sense of her wanting to end her pain. I have struggled with my mental health and physical health since I was a teenager. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and now cptsd. I believe my childhood trauma is the cause. This video hit home because my Mom died in 2020 after a very short battle with cancer. I am not only grieving my childhood but hers as well. I wish she could have lived long enough to hear my diagnosis and maybe we could have healed some old wounds together. I wonder who we both could have become.
I SHOULD be in therapy, but I don’t trust people…and a therapist is a people. So that’s a conundrum. But your videos are helping. I grew up with a BPD mother, and walked on eggshells all my childhood. Thru your videos, I’m starting to understand why I am the way I am. I might buy that book. Thank u
It took me 40 years, 4 years of studying psychotherapy, 2 years or personal and couple therapy and endless hours of research and reflection to understand what is going on with me. You have now confirmed what took me so many years to discover.
This is great content . Would be great if you could do a video on how to deal with being stuck looking after the ageing borderline narcissist who continues to tear you down even when you are doing your best to take care of them in their own home . Small villages are very judgmental. And as you have said if you don’t help out you are the bad guy. Thank you again .
I second this request! My mother is 75 and still displays emotionally immature and somewhat covert narcissist traits. My sister is in another state and I know my mom expects me to take care of her. I have limited contact with her as it is. It's so hard for me to listen to my other friends talk about taking care of their parents as they age with love and I feel like a horrible person. I have so much guilt over not wanting to especially when my childhood gave me quiet borderline and I've struggled my whole life to get over it.
Sage is the right surname as you are a Sage. Keep up the good work. As for your video production methodology, I would recommend eliminating any outside noise that distracts, such as phone calls. Police sirens, dogs barking, etc. are heard on some YT channels, which distracts from messaging. Your channel color palette is excellent. Decor matches "costuming", interior palette compliments the fashion wear. I am an artist and finely attuned to palette so I commend your choice of overall colors, which is easy on the eyes.
The last few comments you made on this one really hit home for me. The most damage that was done being after I had my own children and seeing how she treated me in front of them, completely dismissing me as a parent at all and trying to gain favour with and turn them against me. My whole life of overachieving and trying to make her proud when perfection wasn't even good enough. Unfortunately my mom ultimately gave up on her battle with BPD in 2020 and took her own life. Lately I find myself thinking about what parts of her have rubbed off on me as I raise my 2 small children... When you said that you felt empowered when you realised that this is her, and this is you and you are not the same... it just blew my mind. How can I doubt my parenting when I know I am nothing like she was and I refuse to let my children grow up with a parent like that. Thank you for some truly informative videos. I've learnt a lot and working out how to deal with the past in my present.
My BPD mother started manipulating my daughter against me as early as from the age of 6. When we met last time my daughter was 9 and could no longer be manipulated. My mother then resorted to horrendous verbal attacks against my daughter. Then she would dissociate and forget she ever told her any of those horrible things.
With my moms mood swings, we definitely experienced her outward rage and her silent treatment. She is and has always been very unpredictable and scary.
Your rant helps me! Thank you!!! 🙏🏻 You should team up with Dr. Ramani. A lot of borderline people are on the narcissism spectrum. It’d be a powerful combination!
For many of us there can be no forgiveness. The abuse continues for me. The guilt and shaming from siblings, cousins etc for walking away never ends. So I "divorced" my parents at age 51. I've been guilted for not "respecting" my parents like a good Christian. I've been guilted for not attending my dads funeral by my cousin. For not "doing the right thing" and not going anyway to support my brother. My brother insists I've been " brainwashed" by psychiatrists into believing I was abused. But he was also my abuser, so that lets him off the hook. My best choice is to wash my hands of the whole damn family. But nothing fixes the rejection, self esteem, neglect, linliness and fear of abandonment.
Im now 45 years old and healing feels like a chemical peeling in my whole body. My mother is smaller than me , I hug her ... she feels cold, distant, uncomfortable ...But she adores my daughter and now my grandaughter ( transgenerational trauma)...She is extremely loving to them, ... I am now learning to accept the fact that she does not really, trully love me. And embrace her as she is.
You are lucky. My BPD mother unleashed absolute hell on my then 9 year old daughter when we met last time. You would nevee believe the things she told her own grandchild.
Hello Dr. Sage. I'm new to your channel and I watched lots of your videos. I have to say it's been very enlightening, even life changing. I always knew something was off with my mother (she's old and untreated) and our relationship wasn't... normal but I couldn't put my finger on it. It would be too long to explain in the comment section but let's just say you arrived at the right time. I'm starting to understand lots of things and I can finally go into action mode and start the second part of my healing process. I've ordered the book and will show it to my social worker and ask to see a therapist who specializes in BPD if it's possible. Thank you and you're a wonderful human being. 😊
Having a BPD parent was hard from teens to 20s....in 30s I moved away...leaving my siblings to deal with her. Youngest bro has BPD as well as PTSD, I just can't see myself dealing with her whims, anger management issues and unreal perceptions of reality (narcissism related) for another 20-40 years...heck no! I crave normalcy and peace in my home.
I really appreciate this series, I grew up with a bpd bipolar mother. Im much better now but there are definitely parts I still need to work through. I see that now especially after watching these videos. I have a daughter and another on the way. I don't want them to be affected by those scars. Finding a therapist that can understand and help get through the trauma is hard though. Some get too emotional when hearing the trauma. I will keeo looking for one tho. I will be looking into this book in the meantime though!
Just found you, and I am loving your content. I appreciate your work and hearing your thoughts and experiences. I'm trying to better cope with my narc mom and dad, and to improve my own parenting to my little boys. There are lots of good moments with my parents, but there's also just as much, if not more, times of extreme tension and toxicity. My mom has adopted a fake " positivity " that is actually just passive aggressive, and uses it as if proof that she's trying to be nice. She makes a snarky or shaming comment of some kind at me everytime I see her, which is usually twice a week, because she's the only one who can help me with childcare. They also help with some finances and have kept us afloat for years. We're very grateful for that. And love them and want to have a good relationship. But those words she says, putting me down, mocking me or other family, gaslighting, shaming, or just so negative it leaves a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm really struggling to shrug those off and to not ruminate on how much of a failure she makes me feel.
Much Love to you. I have a narc mom. I know where you are coming from, I have been through it. I have an autistic son, and I have been sabotaged so harshly, I can't work due to physical disability (that she caused). I won't go into specifics. I may not be as healthy as I used to be, but I am states away, caring for myself and my son, and my husband. She visits to see her grandson, and I supervise to make sure my son is safe. I think you should try to separate how much you need from your parents. Much Love to you in your journey. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💙💙💙💙
@@jennajoseph893 Thank you. Wishing you well on your own journey of healing. So sorry you went through that, dealing with that still. Yeah, I am going to work on getting extra funds and child care in other ways hopefully. And maybe to tell my mom that I need some space. I am way too extremely anxious to do that though since I'm sure it wouldn't work and would spark a lot of conflict between us that currently isn't as bad as. If that makes sense. So I'm leaning toward not saying it directly to her but instead just saying I'm busy. She'll poke a bit but usually back down. But then, maybe it would actually be much better to have the longer breaks from her if I did outright say so.. :( Anyway, just thinking out loud my big issue right now. Good luck to you
The impact on the kids is huge. But when my mom there Grandma passed away they let loose including my sister and the rest of my family. Up until then i knew i would get really really bad but they all stayed around including my grandkids and nephew. Boom all in one day i lost everyone completely. My oldest and I before then were having issues but still spoke. My son the middle he pretty much just was Switzerland. My youngest was my leech. Then poof completely out of my life they all went . There's more to my story but the more my kids started telling me about my parenting the more of a monster i became. I knew i was but the damage BPD parents can do is unbelievable.
You are so pleasant, enthusiastic, and wonderful to be with, I just can't get over it! Plus, it is so educational, enlightening, and transformative to listen to your insightful teachings. You have given me a great incentive to journal in even more detail about the severe abuse I suffered and the ramifications I suffered, both in real immediate terms, and later in my own maladaptive behaviors. Thank you so much for your dedication, astuteness, and generosity.
Thank you Dr. Sage. I felt "seen" too. I believe I was raised by a mon with PBD. So does that mean I have it also? Man i feel like i have so many questions.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you just go along with everything that someone does and say that isn't healthy or painful. But it is releasing the pain, anger, confusion, and resentment over to God that was inflicted upon you while interacting with that person. You have to choose to let it go and move forward. It doesn't mean that you always have to interact with the person again. It just means that you choose to LET IT GO AND NOT CONSUMR YOU. We ALL have hurt one another in one way or another for various reasons. So, you might as well learn how to forgive others too/as well.
@@ladennayoung2939 Futile forgiving people who: A) aren't sorry B) don't care. Organised religion isn't my thing however I'm glad that you have a healing & safe place for yourself. 💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜
Hello, first of all thank you for your videos. I have been diagnosed with c-ptsd, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and something that is not touched on enough and is not in the DSM yet is RSD reactive sensitivity dysphoria it is the most painful disorder I could have I also have lots of health issues and reactive sensitivity dysphoria is described to go along with ADHD but I believe it feels more like borderline to me I feel like I am a better on the inside and I also constantly have razor blades slicing every single inch of my body 24/7 please do some research on RSD because you have lots of borderline but I believe it feels more like borderline to me I feel like I am a better on the inside and I also constantly have razor blades slicing every single inch of my body 24/7 please do some research on RSD because you have lots of borderline personality disorders watching your videos and it would help them tremendously. Truthfully there is no humanly possible way to ever describe the pain and Agony 24/7 of having a borderline personality and reactive sensitivity dysphoria together thank you so much.
Stoney Silencens & Heavy Tension........yep......my childhood and youth whenever my father was in the house. Flipping from funny hilarious charming and loving to stoney silence and heavy tension and silence treatment in the blink of an eye with no reasonal explication. The older I got the worse it got.....he loooooooved the little girl.....because the little girl did not make any trouble. But the growing girl.....still not making any trouble ever......dared to have different opinions.......on dinner or on the tv programme or on the weather......and so my mum and I got the silence treatment daily for whatever reason. Weekend mornings always started out in harmony.....but that hardly lasted longer than breakfast. My mum always said: Let's see how long it goes this time. Unfortunately she never knew and I never knew that he is a mentally ill person......not an evil coldhearted bastard. He died last year.....I was very sad and confused........and I found your channel 2 weeks after his death. Discovering what really went on in our lives was a hard slap in the face after all those years. I am 55 now and because I loved him dearly and he loved me dearly.......the up and down really wrecked my soul more than I even knew. Finding this channel put my world upside down.......but helped me sooooooo much. I am so so thankful for your videos. Greetings from Germany. P.S. Thank god I got slathered with endless love and cuddles and emotional safety from my mum.....that saved me.
What about Surviving Borderline Children?? What about the harm and abuse they cause for years despite the counseling and medications you get to help them?? I think you leave out an important group of people who you have to go no contact with: younger adult children. When they are so narcissistic, borderline, abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and psychology for a long time and you do the same song and dance you've done over and over and the situation becomes volatile and life threatening; there comes a point where even a parent must go no contact. It is a very hard choice and the consequences are brutal in terms of repercussions from the decision but I haven't heard you mention adult children in ANY videos I've watched as people that injure or hurt others. I understand it is uncomfortable and it's a sad reality but it happens and those of us parents that have endured this horrific abuse from our children deserved to be included and validated when you are listing people off.
You have a sad situation, but that's not Kim's mission with her channel. She specializes in educating the public about various aspects of CPTSD because that's her own story. She is clearly not the mother of BPD children, so you shouldn't expect her to be talking about that... and if she did, you'd be saying she clearly didn't know what it's like to have such a child. Keep searching for other videos on parents of difficult children and you're more likely to find what you're looking for. While you're here, though, you may want to reframe your perspective and think about your own childhood. BPD is highly inheritable through family lines, so why not consider how yours contributed to your child being stuck with such a horrible disorder? It didn't manifest out of the blue!!
I believe and it’s just me, forgiving ties into understanding and it’s much easier but remembering is in tandem with resentment and anger much harder. Im still very young on this forgiveness journey even though I have many decades behind me. Thank you for your videos ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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Thank you Dr. Sage! I feel “seen” and validated when I watch your videos. I recently made one last attempt to be “seen” by my mother who is 87 and in failing health. For the past few years, I was no longer willing to carry the burden of her emotions and ensuring her mental health and of course, the relationship devolved because it has always had to be on her terms. She recently did me a favor and chose to cut me out of her life for speaking the truth about her which we have danced around for 7 decades. So she will die having said I can never forgive you as her last words to me. And so be it; it is fitting and I am free.
Hi Laurie, Could you explain more about your issues with your mom? Was it clear to you that there was a problem on her end? I don't mean in the end as you describe it, but as a child and young adult did you clearly see that she was abusive? I know my mom was not well mentally and yet I feel I failed her as a daughter and hurt her.
@@nancybartley4610 Nancy I am so sorry that you feel that way. I always disliked my mother as far back as my first memories. And I always knew the problem was her behavior towards me. But it is a terrible and long process to recognize that this person is who she is and is incapable of change. After many years of therapy, I finally found the voice she effectively shut down for all these years. I wasn’t even raging anymore, just calm but speaking my truth. She cut me out of her life I realized so that she doesn’t have to hear and acknowledge any of it. She would rather die estranged from me than have to “see” me so to speak. She has failed me as a mother my entire life. I have done mothing but sacrifice my own well-being to please her because I always “knew” her acceptance of me was conditional and in the end, she proved I was right about that. I have no guilt or self-blame at all. I hope this helps. Willing to write more if you need it. The hurt inner child that lives inside you deserved a better mom. Please don’t blame yourself. That self-blame is put there by these mothers to control us.
@@touchedbyfire99 Thank you for answering. You know the truth because it goes back to your first memories. So glad your therapy worked.
I feel you. I feel you so much. I am 40 and I have decided to give an ultimatum to my 70 year old mother. She either seeks therapy or I am going no contact. She might choose to die bitter and alone, but that is her choice. I am no longer responsible for her mental health.
@@touchedbyfire99your experience is 100% relatable to me across the globe. I also always knew that these violent unpredictable uncontrollable outbursts of rage and anger and resentment are not normal. About 10 years ago I realised she was mentally unwell, but I did not know what it was. Then we met in summer 2022 and I told my father that she has a mental health issue. In winter 2023 I learnt about personality disorders and when we discussed the Borderline, I realised - this is it. It fits to the dot, except that she has never been suicidal or self-harmed. All of her anger was always directed at others. She literally called me a psycho on multiple occasions. She always says everyone else around her is a psycho. She is perfectly well herself.
Hi all! This is the last one on this book! One of my cards somehow disappeared! It should say "Antecedent stress + Current Stress + Indirect Stress + Trigger Thoughts = ANGER."
I truly appreciate you so much and I love all of your deeply kind and thoughtful comments! I might be ranting more - lol - given you seem to be ok with it! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for making these videos. I myself am a therapist and am currently in therapy, because I have a mother with BPD. These videos have given me so much insight into my experience and I know will further help me with the services I provide to my clients.
The content that you share is one of the best sources of validation and encouragement I've found in coming to terms with the ongoing effects of having emotionally immature and toxic parents. I so appreciate the time and care you put into these videos. It's nice to hear that you may get some validation, in return. 💚
I'm almost 50 and stupidly fell for the "I want to help you" bait - something that wasn't there before and I had been diagnosed with a medical condition that was interfering with my career. Five years into this newfound hell - an aggressive form of childhood abuse - and feel blessed to have finished a degree and begun working in mental health crisis work because (go figure) I am focused and effective with people experiencing suicidal/homicidal ideation, etc. The problem? "How dare I speak about mental health, my own CPTSD, and anxiety from childhood sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, and start (gasp!) writing about ways I survived. I laughed when I heard you qualifying your expertise with your Ph.D. That is a trauma response! I began reciting a canned summary of my professional and personal successes when I met new people. But I inadvertently walked into horrifying isolation and manipulation that exacerbated my panic attack symptoms. I went no contact but am paying the price - mom likes to contact people and fill them in with fabricated professionally damaging details. I've had a doctor diagnose me with 3 new diagnoses after a 40-minute call with mom - violating HIPAA as my circumstances did not qualify for the information exchange and the records clearly state the violation. As a child, we lived outside a major city but had little interaction with anyone. Mom said my paternal grandma "offered her advice early in the marriage" so she was "out." Paternal grandpa remarried and we weren't allowed to "talk about our family" during the 2-4 hours/year we saw them. At 36 I told mom about the repeated sexual abuse by our female babysitter (I was 6, she was developed and showed me porn magazines etc). I heard a gasp, got the evil eyes, and "DIDN'T I TEACH YOU BETTER??!!" I tried to backpaddle out of fear and didn't think that would unleash the most unreal decade. I take seminars, own the DSM-5, check myself because everything my mother is has been projected on me and given her intellect and ability to mask, I'm giving up. I have flash drives with all of the information and am grieving this everyday while slowly taking a positive step toward a life I want. Kind of pathetic but it is because I HAVE FEELINGS! I may crawl until I can disappear from her toxic reach - literally change my name under the DV laws - but I still have hope. My question - HOW ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY so openly? Even if factual, my family has $$$$ and will likely try to sue me for their slander and harassment. It is crazy. Oh, my mother is "the queen." She literally made an off-comment about my "loyalty" - inferring that because I'm working in mental health and went through EMDR and therapy that I'm "out" too. AMEN!
❤Love Love Love your rant today! It’s me 💯! My adult life has been horrible with my mother! I have 3 teenagers and I am at the point where I don’t want to waste my energy on her!!! With my mother I am always in trouble or bad… so I just don’t care anymore! She has made HER bed! I’m not walking away because I’m teaching her a lesson! I’m walking away because I’ve learned my lesson! ❤
Also walk away to preserve yourself including your sanity and family
@@cathyhunnemeder3064100%. Because guess what happens when you have children of your own. Your BPD mother will go after them. Mine totally did and it traumatised my daughter to the core.
Thank you for not only sharing your expertise but also your personal experiences
Thank you! I honestly find your "rants" to be validating and very helpful.
From going to several different therapists over the years, it seems as though many still do not really have a good grasp of BPD or NPD traits and how to deal with them effectively. Both my sister and I have tried to set boundaries in the past with the help of therapists and our parents refused to accept boundaries or to accept any responsibility for their actions. Many of my past therapists repeatedly pushed for me to not go "no contact" with my parents or even to use mitigation techniques such as "grey rock" and so I stopped going to them.
Yes! Thank you for reminding me that we forgive to release ourselves not to release the people who have done us harm. I, too, find myself smiling since coming across your content - everything is making so much sense for me. Thank you
Hi, I am 52, diagnosed with cptsd a year ago. My mom had bpd and was suicidal my whole childhood and young adult life. When I was about 24 I learned that she was an incest survivor. This knowledge made it easier for me understand her mental state and helped me forgive. Not saying our relationship was fine or that I forgot but understanding that she was traumatized helped makes sense of her wanting to end her pain.
I have struggled with my mental health and physical health since I was a teenager. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and now cptsd. I believe my childhood trauma is the cause. This video hit home because my Mom died in 2020 after a very short battle with cancer. I am not only grieving my childhood but hers as well. I wish she could have lived long enough to hear my diagnosis and maybe we could have healed some old wounds together. I wonder who we both could have become.
I SHOULD be in therapy, but I don’t trust people…and a therapist is a people. So that’s a conundrum. But your videos are helping. I grew up with a BPD mother, and walked on eggshells all my childhood. Thru your videos, I’m starting to understand why I am the way I am. I might buy that book. Thank u
It took me 40 years, 4 years of studying psychotherapy, 2 years or personal and couple therapy and endless hours of research and reflection to understand what is going on with me. You have now confirmed what took me so many years to discover.
I have had this exact pattern within the family, as a late diagnosed autistic person, am 46 yo and trying to recover from a tragically abused past.
So helpful, you're a diamond. I've learned so much. Thankyou so much for sharing your wisdom x
This is great content . Would be great if you could do a video on how to deal with being stuck looking after the ageing borderline narcissist who continues to tear you down even when you are doing your best to take care of them in their own home . Small villages are very judgmental. And as you have said if you don’t help out you are the bad guy. Thank you again .
I second this request! My mother is 75 and still displays emotionally immature and somewhat covert narcissist traits. My sister is in another state and I know my mom expects me to take care of her. I have limited contact with her as it is. It's so hard for me to listen to my other friends talk about taking care of their parents as they age with love and I feel like a horrible person. I have so much guilt over not wanting to especially when my childhood gave me quiet borderline and I've struggled my whole life to get over it.
Sage is the right surname as you are a Sage. Keep up the good work. As for your video production methodology, I would recommend eliminating any outside noise that distracts, such as phone calls. Police sirens, dogs barking, etc. are heard on some YT channels, which distracts from messaging. Your channel color palette is excellent. Decor matches "costuming", interior palette compliments the fashion wear. I am an artist and finely attuned to palette so I commend your choice of overall colors, which is easy on the eyes.
The last few comments you made on this one really hit home for me. The most damage that was done being after I had my own children and seeing how she treated me in front of them, completely dismissing me as a parent at all and trying to gain favour with and turn them against me. My whole life of overachieving and trying to make her proud when perfection wasn't even good enough.
Unfortunately my mom ultimately gave up on her battle with BPD in 2020 and took her own life. Lately I find myself thinking about what parts of her have rubbed off on me as I raise my 2 small children... When you said that you felt empowered when you realised that this is her, and this is you and you are not the same... it just blew my mind. How can I doubt my parenting when I know I am nothing like she was and I refuse to let my children grow up with a parent like that.
Thank you for some truly informative videos. I've learnt a lot and working out how to deal with the past in my present.
My BPD mother started manipulating my daughter against me as early as from the age of 6. When we met last time my daughter was 9 and could no longer be manipulated. My mother then resorted to horrendous verbal attacks against my daughter. Then she would dissociate and forget she ever told her any of those horrible things.
❤Thank you. I’m a shell of a person. 30 years of therapy never covered any of this.
With my moms mood swings, we definitely experienced her outward rage and her silent treatment. She is and has always been very unpredictable and scary.
Your rant helps me! Thank you!!! 🙏🏻 You should team up with Dr. Ramani. A lot of borderline people are on the narcissism spectrum. It’d be a powerful combination!
For many of us there can be no forgiveness. The abuse continues for me. The guilt and shaming from siblings, cousins etc for walking away never ends. So I "divorced" my parents at age 51. I've been guilted for not "respecting" my parents like a good Christian. I've been guilted for not attending my dads funeral by my cousin. For not "doing the right thing" and not going anyway to support my brother. My brother insists I've been " brainwashed" by psychiatrists into believing I was abused. But he was also my abuser, so that lets him off the hook. My best choice is to wash my hands of the whole damn family. But nothing fixes the rejection, self esteem, neglect, linliness and fear of abandonment.
Im now 45 years old and healing feels like a chemical peeling in my whole body. My mother is smaller than me , I hug her ... she feels cold, distant, uncomfortable ...But she adores my daughter and now my grandaughter ( transgenerational trauma)...She is extremely loving to them, ... I am now learning to accept the fact that she does not really, trully love me. And embrace her as she is.
You are lucky. My BPD mother unleashed absolute hell on my then 9 year old daughter when we met last time. You would nevee believe the things she told her own grandchild.
Hello Dr. Sage. I'm new to your channel and I watched lots of your videos. I have to say it's been very enlightening, even life changing. I always knew something was off with my mother (she's old and untreated) and our relationship wasn't... normal but I couldn't put my finger on it. It would be too long to explain in the comment section but let's just say you arrived at the right time. I'm starting to understand lots of things and I can finally go into action mode and start the second part of my healing process. I've ordered the book and will show it to my social worker and ask to see a therapist who specializes in BPD if it's possible. Thank you and you're a wonderful human being. 😊
Having a BPD parent was hard from teens to 20s....in 30s I moved away...leaving my siblings to deal with her. Youngest bro has BPD as well as PTSD, I just can't see myself dealing with her whims, anger management issues and unreal perceptions of reality (narcissism related) for another 20-40 years...heck no! I crave normalcy and peace in my home.
You're really opening my eyes about my own behaviours and experiences
I really appreciate this series, I grew up with a bpd bipolar mother. Im much better now but there are definitely parts I still need to work through. I see that now especially after watching these videos. I have a daughter and another on the way. I don't want them to be affected by those scars.
Finding a therapist that can understand and help get through the trauma is hard though. Some get too emotional when hearing the trauma. I will keeo looking for one tho.
I will be looking into this book in the meantime though!
Just found you, and I am loving your content. I appreciate your work and hearing your thoughts and experiences. I'm trying to better cope with my narc mom and dad, and to improve my own parenting to my little boys. There are lots of good moments with my parents, but there's also just as much, if not more, times of extreme tension and toxicity. My mom has adopted a fake " positivity " that is actually just passive aggressive, and uses it as if proof that she's trying to be nice. She makes a snarky or shaming comment of some kind at me everytime I see her, which is usually twice a week, because she's the only one who can help me with childcare. They also help with some finances and have kept us afloat for years. We're very grateful for that. And love them and want to have a good relationship. But those words she says, putting me down, mocking me or other family, gaslighting, shaming, or just so negative it leaves a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm really struggling to shrug those off and to not ruminate on how much of a failure she makes me feel.
Much Love to you. I have a narc mom. I know where you are coming from, I have been through it.
I have an autistic son, and I have been sabotaged so harshly, I can't work due to physical disability (that she caused). I won't go into specifics. I may not be as healthy as I used to be, but I am states away, caring for myself and my son, and my husband. She visits to see her grandson, and I supervise to make sure my son is safe.
I think you should try to separate how much you need from your parents.
Much Love to you in your journey. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💙💙💙💙
@@jennajoseph893 Thank you. Wishing you well on your own journey of healing. So sorry you went through that, dealing with that still. Yeah, I am going to work on getting extra funds and child care in other ways hopefully. And maybe to tell my mom that I need some space. I am way too extremely anxious to do that though since I'm sure it wouldn't work and would spark a lot of conflict between us that currently isn't as bad as. If that makes sense. So I'm leaning toward not saying it directly to her but instead just saying I'm busy. She'll poke a bit but usually back down. But then, maybe it would actually be much better to have the longer breaks from her if I did outright say so.. :( Anyway, just thinking out loud my big issue right now. Good luck to you
@@grump9001 Much Love & Thank you 💕❤️❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕
The impact on the kids is huge. But when my mom there Grandma passed away they let loose including my sister and the rest of my family. Up until then i knew i would get really really bad but they all stayed around including my grandkids and nephew. Boom all in one day i lost everyone completely. My oldest and I before then were having issues but still spoke. My son the middle he pretty much just was Switzerland. My youngest was my leech. Then poof completely out of my life they all went . There's more to my story but the more my kids started telling me about my parenting the more of a monster i became. I knew i was but the damage BPD parents can do is unbelievable.
Thank you so much Dr kim Sage. The book review was extremely helpful . Keep doing what you do. Thank you for being so transparent. ❤
You are so pleasant, enthusiastic, and wonderful to be with, I just can't get over it! Plus, it is so educational, enlightening, and transformative to listen to your insightful teachings. You have given me a great incentive to journal in even more detail about the severe abuse I suffered and the ramifications I suffered, both in real immediate terms, and later in my own maladaptive behaviors. Thank you so much for your dedication, astuteness, and generosity.
you will never change an intelligent person no matter how true they find this to be....
Love your work, Kim. Thank you so much 🥰 Hugs
A lost childhood and a lost life. My mother ruined my entire life, adulthood included.
Please don’t give up ❤
Thank you Dr Sage! This video was so good
Thank you Dr. Sage. I felt "seen" too. I believe I was raised by a mon with PBD. So does that mean I have it also? Man i feel like i have so many questions.
Imo forgiveness is overrated.
Love many, trust few.
Always paddle, your own canoe.
🍃🌼🦋🌼🍃🌻🍃🌼🦋🌼🍃
Forgiveness doesn't mean you just go along with everything that someone does and say that isn't healthy or painful. But it is releasing the pain, anger, confusion, and resentment over to God that was inflicted upon you while interacting with that person. You have to choose to let it go and move forward. It doesn't mean that you always have to interact with the person again. It just means that you choose to LET IT GO AND NOT CONSUMR YOU. We ALL have hurt one another in one way or another for various reasons. So, you might as well learn how to forgive others too/as well.
@@ladennayoung2939
Futile forgiving people who:
A) aren't sorry B) don't care.
Organised religion isn't my thing however I'm glad that you have a healing & safe place for yourself.
💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜🌷💜
Hello, first of all thank you for your videos. I have been diagnosed with c-ptsd, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and something that is not touched on enough and is not in the DSM yet is RSD reactive sensitivity dysphoria it is the most painful disorder I could have I also have lots of health issues and reactive sensitivity dysphoria is described to go along with ADHD but I believe it feels more like borderline to me I feel like I am a better on the inside and I also constantly have razor blades slicing every single inch of my body 24/7 please do some research on RSD because you have lots of borderline but I believe it feels more like borderline to me I feel like I am a better on the inside and I also constantly have razor blades slicing every single inch of my body 24/7 please do some research on RSD because you have lots of borderline personality disorders watching your videos and it would help them tremendously. Truthfully there is no humanly possible way to ever describe the pain and Agony 24/7 of having a borderline personality and reactive sensitivity dysphoria together thank you so much.
I would love to join a child of a BPD parent support group. Are you creating one?
Me too
Dr. Kim, I came across an excellent book about community building: Build Your Community by Richard Millington, Pearson Education, May 2021.
Stoney Silencens & Heavy Tension........yep......my childhood and youth whenever my father was in the house.
Flipping from funny hilarious charming and loving to stoney silence and heavy tension and silence treatment in the blink of an eye with no reasonal explication. The older I got the worse it got.....he loooooooved the little girl.....because the little girl did not make any trouble. But the growing girl.....still not making any trouble ever......dared to have different opinions.......on dinner or on the tv programme or on the weather......and so my mum and I got the silence treatment daily for whatever reason. Weekend mornings always started out in harmony.....but that hardly lasted longer than breakfast. My mum always said: Let's see how long it goes this time. Unfortunately she never knew and I never knew that he is a mentally ill person......not an evil coldhearted bastard. He died last year.....I was very sad and confused........and I found your channel 2 weeks after his death. Discovering what really went on in our lives was a hard slap in the face after all those years. I am 55 now and because I loved him dearly and he loved me dearly.......the up and down really wrecked my soul more than I even knew. Finding this channel put my world upside down.......but helped me sooooooo much. I am so so thankful for your videos. Greetings from Germany.
P.S. Thank god I got slathered with endless love and cuddles and emotional safety from my mum.....that saved me.
What is “splitting”? And “tea party relationship”?
No, thank you, my lovely x
❤
😎💋🍦
What about Surviving Borderline Children?? What about the harm and abuse they cause for years despite the counseling and medications you get to help them?? I think you leave out an important group of people who you have to go no contact with: younger adult children. When they are so narcissistic, borderline, abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and psychology for a long time and you do the same song and dance you've done over and over and the situation becomes volatile and life threatening; there comes a point where even a parent must go no contact.
It is a very hard choice and the consequences are brutal in terms of repercussions from the decision but I haven't heard you mention adult children in ANY videos I've watched as people that injure or hurt others. I understand it is uncomfortable and it's a sad reality but it happens and those of us parents that have endured this horrific abuse from our children deserved to be included and validated when you are listing people off.
You have a sad situation, but that's not Kim's mission with her channel. She specializes in educating the public about various aspects of CPTSD because that's her own story. She is clearly not the mother of BPD children, so you shouldn't expect her to be talking about that... and if she did, you'd be saying she clearly didn't know what it's like to have such a child. Keep searching for other videos on parents of difficult children and you're more likely to find what you're looking for. While you're here, though, you may want to reframe your perspective and think about your own childhood. BPD is highly inheritable through family lines, so why not consider how yours contributed to your child being stuck with such a horrible disorder? It didn't manifest out of the blue!!
You lost me at forgiveness.
I believe and it’s just me, forgiving ties into understanding and it’s much easier but remembering is in tandem with resentment and anger much harder. Im still very young on this forgiveness journey even though I have many decades behind me. Thank you for your videos ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Forgiveness is more for yourself than for others.
Forgiveness is letting yourself live your life the way YOU want to.
Much Love 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Thank you Doctor ❤, I really appreciate your time. This gives me hope ❤️🩹.