Can You Talk about the Details of the Affair?
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- Опубликовано: 9 май 2018
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Samuel shares insight into the recovery principle of "if you can't talk about it, you're not healed."
A post from: www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog
Details help. I can explain with a story. We were in the town that he had met with the AF partner at a hotel. Every hotel we passed was a trigger and I was getting more anxious and my HR was rising. Then, after taking some breaths, I remembered he had in fact told my which hotel it was and I had forgotten!!! I was able to relax and stop searching his face for some clue or maybe some actual sign that said "hey here is the den of ill repute". I can laugh now but, man, this stuff is real tough. Some simple details can greatly mimimize the imagination going wild. THANK you for all you do.
My wife refused to answer questions because she was “protecting my feelings”. I told her many times I don’t need protection, nor was I looking for something to hold against her. I was just trying to put the puzzle pieces together. She finally opened up and answered most of my questions. I didn’t like some of the answers, but it helped me heal a little. My only issue now is she has reached the point of “I’m tired of talking about it” and I know she hasn’t healed herself. We are only 2 months out and she is trying to act as if we should be past it and moving on now. She doesn’t seem to emphasize with me and my feelings.
She is ashamed of her selfishness and immaturity… essentially she is afraid of being vulnerable.
I have no insight but I'm right there with you. You are not alone.
Hi hows your feelings after a year is your relationship survive did you guys comeback like before if yes what did you do to go back to normal??
I’m in the same place. The guy isn’t doing his part and gets angry at me now.
2-1/2 years after finding out about my wife’s long term affair, I’m still struggling. The details have never given them to me. I only found out from the AP’s wife that they even kissed. She denies anything more than that in an almost year long affair with her coworker. I just don’t believe her. All the lies and deceit for so long. The physical and emotional damage to my heart and mind are still hard to get over. We’ve been together over 30 years and are high school sweethearts. I’ve never loved anyone else. The pain is still so deep.
Same here. 36 years together and the trauma is overwhelming. It eats at your mind. Google "limerence" It might give you some answers. If she was seduced, it's most likely by a narcissist and that makes it even worse.
I just think these videos are really helpful for all involved. One of the best places to go for some advice and help. Kudos to all you do man.
Thank you so much for this video. I especially appreciate the part about the marathoning and the shaming. I’m betrayed and have realized that doing those things is completely exhausting and only hurts the two of us more.
Thanks for these videos Samuel! As a betrayed spouse I've recovered at a very fast rate thanks for all the resources available on the free resources. I am able to cope up.with serial affairs for last 13 years in a a very healthy manner. The D day was just 3months ago when I found all the messenger chats between my husband and the AP since last 8 months..sexting, booking hotel rooms,airbnb, and lying that bad weather and they would like to stay near workplace at night rather than traveling back home etc. And that was just a tip of the iceberg. After an absolutely devastating 1 month of being in flight or fight mode. I have gathered myself again and able to see the whole thing like an objective witness/third party. I can clearly see that it's not my fault and I refuse to give into blame games and victim theories of my husband. I know putting a boundary around trauma and discussing the questions/insights once a week in a civilized manner will help us get beyond the PTSD I m suffering from. I write down whatever occurs to me every day but discussion only on the set time/day. And never misutilizing info volunteered by my husband. In fact I have given him veto power meaning any truthful information if misutilized by me to get even or to Shane him, he can refuse to participate in the discussion and even walk out. With truth he will be more and more empowered rather than the opposite. With this he has opened up quite a lot and he is clearly able to see toxic and dysfunctional patterns of thinking feeling and behaviour, we have gone back to his childhood, upbringing, primary relationships and traumas and primary attachment problems, abuse s etc. I am seeing him as a sick person unfit to straight for himself at the time he was wrapped up in the bubble of falsehood and false sense of invincibility. I m having tremendous compassion for the hurt child, rebellious teen and now suck adult and feel absolutly zero hatred towards him or his APs as those ppl were equally sick and they all vibrated at the same level of maleficent energy. If we have to recover I can't vibrate at the same energy for the sake of myself,spouse,kids and community at large. It's a very tall order but I have to resist Newton s 3rd law of every action has an equal and opposite reaction ,true for matter but as a human being I can transend and evolve in a spiritual plane and restore n build hope n peace when stones were thrown at me to shatter me.🙏
This is powerful! Im sorry you wenr through this too, and can relate to the last 6 months of my life being shattered due to his infidelity. You give me hope
In my experience I wish I didn't ask so many details because they then became haunting triggers I had to heal from. The basics that you need to know to move forward, yes, but nothing past that. Also know why you want to know these details and what good will come out of knowing. Also I would only yell my face off it he is caught in a lie.. I ask the same question months apart even years apart and when his answer changes it infuriates me like no other !
Yes this! When they've tricke truthed you then change it up when you ask later on. It makes me the most mad I've ever felt.
I was good with just processing it the first half dozen times. I was hurt but no accusation. After that it was just cruel the way he only trickled information and continues to lie. Now, I am sad to say that I come apart, at some point. Maybe not that day but now I am pissed off. I forgave to start but I am at my rope’s end. We are in counseling but until he stops lying, I can’t heal. It starts at day one with each new time. I’m so sad that he has chosen to do this after 49 years.
My husband never brings up the issue I am the one that does the BS. I was the one that discovered the affair and at the biggining he described her as a life saver .... that made me sick and sad at the same time. Today, 8 months after the D day he still does not talk about the affair. Honestly, I do not believe more than 1% of what he said/says because he has not once came with the truth, I was the one that found the truth. Thanks for your videos amazing information
mariel pereyra try being 4 years in. I can’t say it changes much.
@@patticriss2238 this is sad....
This very true, I would always shut down. And the shotgun analogy is accurate.
How do you approach it if the details are always changing? I am beginning to get frustrated. I am trying my best. I stay calm. I thank him for new information and tell him that I know it was hard for him. It seems like he's doing it intentionally.
I hear you and I’m in the same place. The story is always changing and when I confront him about those mismatch information he just gets even more mad. I don’t know what to do so I left him since he wasn’t willing to come all clean and now is angry.
I am a liberal nonreligious wife in a young marriage. We don't have health insurance so the help we're choosing is for him, the unfaithful. Your videos are saving me. I'd love to hear more about dealing with infidelity on the internet, (our situation involved his sexual indiscretions with random women online), and dealing with habitual panic moments the betrayed undergo and how to battle/calm that over time while adapting to the "safe space".
hi livimarti....i'm not sure i totally understand what help you're looking for....but, if i'm on the right track, here are a couple videos by Rick to help you (again, if i'm understanding it right) www.affairrecovery.com/qa-what-each-spouses-role-handling-triggers www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-can-i-have-more-productive-conversations-not-flooded-conversations-my-spouse and an article as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-an-affair-not-knowing-what-happened so glad you're on the site and the videos are helping. i hope this stuff helps that i've posted for you.
Getting details out of my wife was like pulling teeth. When i finally found out about the affair i asked her who his wife was, and she couldn't tell me fast enough. Her name, her place of employment and the car she drove. She wanted me to tell her about the affair so her lovers marriage would fail and in her mind he would then come to her. My wife was in limerence and making a complete fool out of herself. Problem was my wife was seduced by a covert narcissist. He used her and discarded her. Yes, I did tell his wife and they divorced. So much more to the story but i don't feel like writing a book.
Your wife is not a child. She chose him
What if he told a lie from the beginning and and continued to until it all came out. ? Over 2 years time the. It comes out slowly...?
Spot on! marathoning - witness chair, and interrogation. Waiting for some slight change in the story because of a lie or if any time has passed.. no real memory of the minutia being asked. It's a minefield that the betrayed should avoid because the unfaithful will use it as a reason that perhaps there is no reason to work things out. How can you get honesty when you try to back someone into a corner and wear them down for hour, just because you've become OCD about details that really don't matter? And then, explode on them? Remorseful or not, ashamed or not - nobody wants to be a punching bag. Becomes a cycle. And the 'why' just doesn't get addressed, or even contemplated, since there's so much offense and defense going on. Tragic.
Same our situation
If it’s been 4 years, and we’ve talked about it many times- Should I stop asking /talking about it? When is enough Enough?
it appears you're dealing with trauma and need trauma care my friend. it would be good to consult someone who works in emdr and/or ett as they are great forms of treatment for trauma care. it's not something you can simply stuff down and make go away. it requires getting an expert involved so you can process the pain appropriately
As a betrayed spouse I find this would be helpful, but nothing my spouse has told me in answers to the questions I have had have not been proven to be lies, I am almost done. All she says is get over it and talks about herself constantly. I'm thinking that it's hopeless.
it's only hopeless if you keep doing what you're doing my friend. find expert help. if you get the right help and the right process, you can get clarity and actually gain ground on the whole thing.
Could you please explain your statement, "when you marathon all you're doing is...causing more damage...collateral damage and driving both of you further and further apart." How so? What makes you say that? That was not my experience. Spending 2 or 3 hrs. talking, twice/wk., was the only way to ease the pressure that built up inside from all the questions, feelings, distrust and confusion. Plus he wasn't real good at self-reflection--it could take a long time to get to an answer. We could never have covered enough territory if we were limited to 20-40 minutes. So mostly I'd like to understand what the comment is founded on.
that's not necessarily marathoning....marathoning is usually two to three hours every day at times, till the wee hours of the night belaboring a point and going over the same questions and same answers for hours in circles, with a high degree of shame and belittling. what you seem to be describing is simply necessary communication that is needed.
DDay + 22 years. Still haven't heard the answers...still dwell on it...every day.
So I really enjoy this! I really enjoy hearing that the details that can be shared. My only question is is it okay to discuss details after they have already been discussed with the unfaithful and talk about them again for clarity sake three or four years post D-Day? And have you found that males and females process infidelity differently?
males process things radically differently when it comes to infidelity. at some level, i don't think that the details need to be discussed 3 or 4 years later unless the first disclosure was rough or uncertain or there were multiple d days. if the process has been relatively clean, i'm not certain it needs to be discussed 3 or 4 years later.
I am going around in circles. Married for 20yrs 4 months ago found out my husband was unfaithful the entire marriage. I would like some help as to what to do from here. Thank you
I am devastated. I feel as though someone has died. It is hard to go through grieving process when the person who looks like your loving and faithful husband is sitting next to you. I could not get whole truth from husband. I did some research and digging on my own. I'm not sure at this point what to save except myself. He states that he loves me and that he has stopped. Maybe he does and maybe he has, but what does that mean for me?
I’m so sorry Rhonda, I hope you’re doing better now. I definitely know what betrayal feels like after 24 years.
Does this advice also apply in the immediate aftermath of disclosure? Is it 20 minutes a day max, or 20 minutes sometimes multiple times a day?
every situation is different and every betrayed spouse is in a different situation. it's vital to get help from an expert that knows the situation that can assess you both and what you both need.
Hello.
I found out about affair 5 months ago (but it feels like 5 years). First 1-2 months he stated that it was just one night stand....then he admitted that it was affair....his story kept changing. At this moment I think I know base lines.... I'm tired to talking about it but in the same time I don't have feeling that actually I know everything. He still hasn't give me real reason why did it happened. It seems that he just don't want tell me his motivation....and his feelings towards these 2 womans. I think...my imagination at this moment is my worst enemy.
Have you guys get over betrade without knowing all details?
And after how long time does it get better?
I have not felt so bad .... all my life ....like I'm feeling now.
Thanks
I’m going through the same and it’s only been 5 months and he changes his story and it was a way more deeper relationship that I thought it to be. I appreciate his honesty but he withheld info and now that I know everything I am not sure if i want to continue. He said he did it because he was afraid I would walk away and i feel really robbed of that choice because yes I would have walked away. I think at the end of the day knowing everything just hurts us more. You want to rationalize his mistakes but at the end of the day it was him to lost not you. I really hope things get better not only for u but myself because this is not what we deserve. Stay strong I know it’s easier said but ur not alone.
When do you have these conversations? I know you mentioned six months in is when Samantha asked you. What’s a timeline expectation to start having this talk?
hi andrew. here is a timeline article that should help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline see if that speaks to it and we'll go from there. here is another article that will help: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
I get very angry. Due to he won’t give me answers. Says he doesn’t remember he swore she never sent him naked photos and in fact she did then he says he forgot. How can you not remember anything
Exactly. How do you not remember anything at all. But I saw a few pics so his answer goes to it wasn't more then that. Tf. Not a naked picture but it's never those last few msgs, pics. Just damage control talking. It makes me the most mad
Can you refer me to vlogs that actually support the Betrayed Spouse without feeding the Betrayer ammunition to throw at us?
…Vlogs that explain to the betrayer why they need to be forthcoming with details and information their spouse needs and wants without being defensive or angry…
Subscribe to this guy. There are vlogs that he does that is geared towards this.
I saw any interesting comment by someone. Does a women who is betrayed process the same as a man who is betrayed?
there are some similarities for sure. there are some nuances that are different for both though.
I just need my husband to admit to what he did and for how long. He denies what is on paper, emails. Text messages and he continues to deny what is clearly there. For years several women dating apps, fake life the lies he told them. I am embarrassed honestly, until he comes clean not full details I won’t be able to move on and trust because undiscussed issues are unresolved issues.
May I ask, all sorts of people have affairs, I'm capable given the right situation myself, but you don't seem like the type. Did faith play a part in your transformation?
faith played an enormous part in my own healing. it's still a vital part of my life now, but i respect many on here don't come from faith so i try and make it palatable to both sides who do or don't believe. for me, it's vital.
The betrayed is just trying to see if he/she is getting the same answers
The problem is that what they did actually DESERVES the “blow their head off” response. I mean these people betrayed their spouse, family, and life of their spouses. The ruined our lives, took our past, ruined our stories etc. I mean its just the logical and rational response to that kind of betrayal. Kinda makes it all seem pointless. What purpose is there in a “good” relationship with someone who does that to you? They did it before, most likely many times, so what likelihood is there of them not continuing to do so? What’s tp stop them now after learning to manipulate better with these suggestions?
My husband had 4 sexual partners while in the Army. This was over a 15 yr span. I always knew about 3. He finally admitted them after 30 yrs.
He asked me who did I think he had them with, i told him. He says yeah thats them. He gave me 15 different excuses as to why.
I knew about them because he allowed them to flaunt it in my face. I believe there are more..
He keeps coming forth with "the truth" and changing his story. He says that was all and gets mad when I say i dont believe him. Where do I start trying to heal? He thinks by acting "normal" it w ill go away.
hi brenda, it sounds like you need something and someone for objectivity and perspective. would he do the ems weekend or ems online with you? www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online it's unrealistic to think it will go away, but he wants it to due to his shame. this article series will explain his shame and how it's triggered: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame also this is a great piece on why you need the details and information: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell without this level of help, it's not going away anytime soon.....if ever.
Sounds like a lot of work to do, just to stay together with a cheater. Betrayed here🙋♀️
You make it sound so easy not every Relationship is the same because you wanna know but by asking you could kill your Marriage that’s how i feel like i have to live with it for the rest of my life..
Major Danger83 I feel the same way
My wife refuses to tell me the complete. Truth i saw her having sex.the guys sister let me come in an told me this what she does.she left me one day for no reason just left me.later i found out it had goin for awhile..its.not the only time she. Did this.she will not tell me about the rest.i feel like. A chump.