Why The Betrayed Spouse Wants Details
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- Опубликовано: 15 июн 2016
- Samuel discusses a difficult and common topic in recovery from infidelity during today's video: Why the betrayed ask questions and want details.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I need all the horrible details because knowing is less traumatizing than imagining.
The reason the betrayed spouse wants details is because they want to discover how much damage has been done to the marriage! How much you loved that person! Why you the betrayed spouse wasn’t good enough !!! Why the unfaithful whent to their affair partner instead of their betrayed spouse for anything ! What did the betrayed spouse do so bad that they deserved to be cheated on !!! The betrayed spouse wants to know if you’re worth the risk to get back with!!! That’s why they want details!!!
You are so correct.
Agree
Absolutely true!
I'm late here Joann, but more often than not the betrayed spouse DIDN'T do anything to be cheated on. Having gone through this, our first instinct is to blame ourselves and while not being a; therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist etc, my thought on this is because we were far more invested in the relationship and they were merely going through the motions on their end. You will see this in absolutely clarity, in hindsight, as you heal. A brief background, I went to the man in question, we sat down and talked about the whole thing and lo and behold! My imagination, about what was said to him by her, how far it went, the necessity to destroy my character in justification for her being there in the first et al. was damned near spot on. Intuition is a very powerful thing, but I am still going through the anger process because despite knowing some details and frankly, the ones' I actually wanted, I have never truly go them from her in a honest, forthright way. To this day, she will try to play the Oprah game with me, that being, it was all *just* an emotional affair, meanwhile he admitted to me, in person, that it was far more than that. All that said, you are right! We want details and we want them from the unfaithful spouse. The reason? We want to have some affirmation that we are not completely nuts, we want to truly heal from it all, we want to learn from it all, and equally important, we do want to forgive them.
The details define the damage? The damage was done when they cheated and got caught. Details don't matter. Ok, you know the details, now what? You try and become the other man or woman in order to be the person they had the affair with. My wife cheated on me and I could care less about the details. Can't unring that bell no matter what the details are.
Its absolutely impossible for any words to describe how bad a heart that has been broken can feel, when you love so much
These words are so true
Agree 💯
My heart has never healed for the past 34 years when I found out my wife had a 7 year affair with her boss. I truly have wished that healing could take place but it never is sustained. Too many daily reminders.
@@dan-lansingmi9169 I fear, after 15 years (9 post divorce), the hole in my soul that hasn't healed, never will. I understand your pain of wanting to move on, but just *can't*. I've learned to live with it.
So true
Spot on what I’m feeling as the betrayed spouse. It’s the most traumatic thing I’ve ever had to deal with. 😢
Same here 😢
Me too man! Just happened Christmas day! After 16 years she fooled me. And it's thr most devastating thing ever
Careful with this. The search for details can open a world of pain. Especially if the spouse that cheats is gaslighting and manipulating.
Yes I agree.. I’m going through this
I’m just going through all of this. It’s brutal! I just want all of this out of my head, please!
After I realized my husband would not admit to anything~he called me crazy~
I started using technology to track him, used a voice activated item hidden in my house, nanny cams~I suspected he was having an affair with a neighbor.
Well, he was having her overnight in our home when I’d be out of town, and discovered way more than I suspected. Filing for divorce.
Can you tell what you used
So well said how a betrayed spouse processes her emotions and what goes through her mind when she doesn't have her questions answered truthfully! Because she desperately needs to process all the events and emotions, if she doesn't have the actual information-she will try and imagine what might have happened to be able to process" something." What the betrayed spouse doesn't understand is that what she is imagining is probably much worse than if he would just be honest and answer the questions she needs to know to process her overwhelming thoughts.
Or it could be the man that was betrayed.....
That is the situation I am in currently. I don't know the full details of exactly what my ex fiance was doing with those disgusting guys, so in my mind, I keep imagining what I think went down, and it might or may not be, worse than what really happened.
Men are also betrays too not just women
It actually caused me to feel extremely insane and paranoid. So much could've been avoided I feel like. Now I'm unable to trust anything I'm told. Even unrelated simple every day things and I hate that I was pushed to that point
Wish know that I would of been more truthful I'm hurting for her she would of felt a lot better about it ..
I never got healed from it. Been 6years. No apology, full of excuses, instead of explaining blames me it's all in my head when I have evidence.... Still scared and hurt. Cry all the time.
get expert help my friend. here is a program you can take that will help you heal from your own pain, hurt and trauma: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it's a wonderful support group where you'll find other women standing with you as you work towards healing and new life.
Like you I cry a lot, it’s only been 4 months since I found out about my husbands 3 affairs. He has been in these relationships for 15 plus years with the same 3 woman. In the beginning he denied the affairs but I did my research and found proof and lots of it. I even threatened too tell 1 of the ladies husband about what she had been doing for over a decade with my husband. She didn’t want her husband to know and so she told me a lot, which crushed me but if I had not spoken with her and later speaking with another of his lovers he would still be denying these affairs.
I’ve tried to get him to talk to me but all he says is it’s over and he loves me and all those years are a blur for him and he doesn’t want to talk about it. But, my imagination along with what I know is driving me insane. I wonder can I ever heal from this when I can’t get what I need from my husband
Vanessa McFarland i am so sorry for you and if he only knew that coming clean would allow you to start healing it would be so much more love than he could ever show any other way. I undersrand why they dont want to say anything but that is just a slow cruel death of a relationship that way. I feel so bad that you had to live with all this and had to go through so much just to try to find out the truth. You certainly dont deserve to have to find out all the info your self and then try to heal from it. I am just getting my wife to understand why i need the truth and i want it even if its hurtful, cause what we imagine is much more painful than what actually happened. Inpray you get to heal!
My partner never let me ask questions about the affair l never had closure. He said he's sorry. He acts as if he doesn't care how he hurt me .How do l move on.
@@michelleweatherspoon4004 I hope you have moved on by getting rid of him for good. You can do much better on your own without having the cheat tearing you down.
I hear you on most of this; however, I believe that the betrayed spouse has to be able to express their emotions in that moment too. Expressing our emotions about what happened is part of healing. We can’t ALWAYS be the bigger person. Shouldering that burden isn’t healing that’s still enabling. And enabling probably isn’t helping the unfaithful step up and heal either.
I'm so sick of my husbands lies.. How exhausting to lie all the time
I hope your situation got better
That's terrible , a compulsive liar is the worst , I have one in my life !
Me. Too. We arent married but have a 2 and 3 yr old. And fifteen years together. He says he felt we were broken up. I thought we just needed a few days or weeks apart like we usually do
I agree
@@MT-we6cu as i do too
Your channel has helped me through so many feelings of being betrayed and how to heal and know my own part in disconnect between me and my husband. I never thought I’d be in these shoes but 7 weeks ago a “hit and run” happened to me too. He didn’t run but it still felt like I was hit by an 18 wheeler and left for dead. Thank you for being so honest and dumbing things down so I can really apply these videos to my situations.
so glad i could help in some small way. i'm sorry you have to be here but so glad you are here and have found some form of safety and support.
what if the details are not true? and compelety made up? how can the betrayed spouse know which details are real and which aren't?
karen rachel we can’t, and that’s what we have to accept or move on.
hi there. there are lie detectors that you can utilize. i would suggest that you consider finding an expert lie detector in your area that you can use. i would ask your spouse/partner to take it. if they won't i would demand it (if in fact that's what you feel you need to heal). if they are not willing to do that, it's a huge red flag my friend.
My husband lied up and down about his affair seven years ago. Unfortunately that not only spiritually put a blot on our marriage that I couldn't figure out (because he told me it was just an emotional affair) but also put my health at risk etc. Total disregard and no respect. He took no responsibility and even told me he didn't know if it would happen again. Wow what a horrible time.. anyway I believed him and our kids were little, he was in college and I was working three jobs. So, we stayed together. The past seven years have been basically dead. He lied to me about everything, I got more details from his affair partner except that she said they didn't have sex. He just told me last week that it was a sexual affair. This is after I left him recently, he got right with God, and God told me to go home. He was never going to tell me if I had stayed. My point is, if your partner is lying and you know it, leave. Just leave. And get an HIV test. You owe it to yourself.. it will either scare the shit out of him and he'll come clean, or you will be free. The lies and secrets he was keeping caused a spiritual break between us and blocked our intimacy, which he blamed me for of course. Now that he is right with God, I would consider him a recovering narcissist and he's treating me great. But it took seven years for him to man up to the truth.
Quantum Explorer if God told you to go back home then you can make it! I am sorry that you have to go through such a painful process but I pray that you will have healing and victory in the end! Trust in the Lord and talk to him about it everyday
@@christinalucas1002 thank you, I appreciate your cheering me on! It has been wonderful since I made that post. God truly is a God of miracles!
I was starting my way to recovery when I asked for details. What happened was that I'm considering giving up my marriage since the details brought me even more pain. We've had a family for 13 years and I'm still trying to recover, however, the details I discovered yesterday really shocked me. I don't know what to do now. My wife is begging for a third chance and forgiveness and has promised to live a new life, but the details of her emotional affair are in my mind like every minute of my life. I really need hope.
Orlando from Brazil.
Have you honestly looked at yiur self. Were you there for her emotionally. Appreciate her ? How are things now?
The emotional shit hurts more than a purely physical affair. This sucks
No words for how helpful this is. Blew my mind.
I find it really ironic there is not ONE single dislike on this video. This dude speaks the truth.
I am speechless. This is SO spot on!!!! Thank you.
Yes I'm trying to understand and put the pieces together! Yes not knowing details keeps me from healing and move forward, I imagine the worst and a million different things until I go crazy. I cant let go until I know that he can admit it, accept the consequences, allow me to express myself, see that he understands what it did to me and then I can forgive. Thank you!
1ST TIME HERE ON YOUR CHANNEL...I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THIS WITH US BETRAYED ONES, AND THE ONES THAT DID OR ARE DOING THE BETRAYING AS WELL. I AM TRYING SO VERY HARD TO HEAL NOW BUT IT IS INDEED DIFFICULT! EACH AND EVERY TIME I BRING UP THE INFIDELITY, HE GETS ANGRY AND SAYS THAT IF I AM GOING TO KEEP BRINGING THIS UP FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS THAT HE WILL NOT STAY WITH ME. I THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE ONE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO DO THE "THREATENING" TO LEAVE, BUT IT SEEMS HE DOES EVERY TIME I BRING THIS UP. I AM EXTREMELY HURT...I ALWAYS HEARD PEOPLE SAYING HOW HURT THEY'VE GOTTEN AND HOW PAINFUL IT IS, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS THAT IT WOULD FEEL THIS WAY. I MEAN I WOULD'VE EXPECTED THIS OUT OF THE "BAD BOYS" THAT I'VE DATED IN THE PAST, THUGS, DRUG DEALERS OR WHAT NOT, BUT NEVER THIS "GOOD GUY" THAT HAS NEVER EVEN BEEN SENT TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE. HE CHEATED WITH ONE GIRL (NOT WOMAN, BECAUSE SHE KNEW ABOUT ME) WHILE I WAS PREGNANT, AND THEN ANOTHER ALSO WHILE I WAS PREGNANT AND LITERALLY AFTER I DELIVERED OUR 1ST CHILD TOGETHER. I GAVE BIRTH AT 5:30 AM AND HE WAS TEXTING HER AT 5:40AM. THE 2ND LADY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME, SHE SAID THEY HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 3 MONTHS. I INVITED HER OVER. SHE THOUGHT THAT HE LIVED WITH HIS SISTER. IT MAKES IT MORE DIFFICULT BECAUSE HE IS THE BREAD WINNER AND I CANNOT JUST PACK UP AND LEAVE EVEN IF I WANTED.....BUT I DON'T FOR SOME STRANGE REASON...LOVE OR LUST??? DID I MENTION THAT HE WORKS WITH BOTH OF THE WOMEN WHOM HE CHEATED ON ME WITH?!?!I REALLY NEED HELP! I HAVE CHILDREN TO CARE FOR AND NOW A 4 MONTH OLD. #JESUS #SUBSCRIBED
Almost a year after I found out of the affair. She left and lied for months decided she wanted to work on our marriage I still loved her and was over the moon. Then the truth hit or how much truth she decides to let me know. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. We have 3 kids I just don’t know if I am strong enough to live in this torture everyday. Everyday knowing she wanted someone else I wasn’t good enough our family we built not good enough.
i know. hate the sin. but not the sinner. thats what i tell myself to keep my sanity
Brother , same here . This is all so new to me. I know it’s been a year for you and I’m wondering how you’re doing today.? I found out 3 weeks ago my wife has been talking to 2 different men . One , was her brothers best friend , I found out by discovering messages on her phone RIGhT before they were supposed to meet up . Things were hard to navigate after the initial conversations of the discovery. Man I felt so betrayed that I couldn’t even believe a word she says. Things went on for about 2 weeks , trying to heal and I just didn’t feel right. I asked her what else was going on only to find out there was ANOTHER man . Someone from Facebook who had been watching her workout weight loss journey , someone I’d questioned her about a few times because it was right fuckin there in front of my face day in and day out, I just didn’t think she would give in to it. But cmon its attention and they alllll seek it. It’s been a month and I’ve literally lost 20 pounds from not eating, I play Disc Golf professionally and this has not helped me much as I’ve been physically exhausted as well as mentally and emotionally. I try to work through things but man , it’s friggen hard. We have 2 daughters and I know it’s taking its toll on them too which breaks my heart and soul. Hardest thing is, is now that’s it’s aired out she seems kind of smug or something weird in her behavior and body language now, it’s disgusting. I always catch her NOW looking at other men at the supermarket or stores or kid’s baseball games and it drives me crazy. Idk what to do . I’m literally in purgatory right now. Hopefully y’all are well my guys.
how are things after a year now? has she been able to come 100% clean? when they don/t come clean 100% especially without you asking.. it simply means a small part of them wants to still hold on to the moments they had with the other person..n the affair can easily be opened again
Incredibly insightful. Thank you for making this available.
so glad it helped Alice. thanks for such great feedback.
"Hit and run" I like this analogy.
My problem is one month it was just a emotional affair. Then the next month went by turns out he actually met up with her a few time's. The story changed. I can't heal because he basically refuses to give me answers. So I feel like I'm basically guessing or wondering what all happened. How does one heal if the betrayer won't give details?
you'll need enough details to heal my friend. if you can't get them you have to ask yourself if you know enough to heal and if you know enough to move forward. if not, then you'll need to draw some boundaries and enforce them and pull back and work on you.
I feel your pain. I just found a myriad of evidence that my wife had an emotional affair on FB for 4 months, I won’t tell you how I found out but I can tell you she is NOT telling me everything. This is killing me...my ex wife of 18 did this to me too....multiple times. I’ve never even kissed another woman while married to them. We’re going to counseling Wednesday... this sucks.
@@samshealingpodcast aa
He has lied so much I can't believe what he says about details.
Right
I’m sorry, it’s sucks.
best video out there. CLEAR positive. Thank you
thank you
Thankyou I showed the video to my husband and then he realised the emtions that i was going through is not different from any other ...these are true emotions when you love somebody who knowingly or accidently hurts you.
you're correct. thanks for watching and posting.
If they refuse to not delete their contact information- I would delete them
I'm really happy I found this channel. It's a totally helping me alot so thank you so much
I dont know how people do it. The day i found out was the last day i spoke to and saw my ex wife. I literally packed my bags, grabbed my laptop, left my keys on the table (we were renters) and disappeared. I CANNOT imagine anyone especially men wanting to know the details of what the person was doing with the AP.
Hey Samuel you're such a genius mate,doing a great job god bless you!never I could found someone looking into my head omg!
I have been with my husband for 15 years and we have two small children. I just found out a few days ago that he has been sleeping with a older woman who has money for 4 years. He has been taking money from her and sleeping with her. I feel crushed. But what's worse is he is begging me to take him back. How can I do that if I can never believe anything he says again. He says he doesnt love her, but how can that be if you have had a relationship with someone else for 4 years. I feel like the whole 15 years I've been living a lie.
You are correct. My wife lived her lie and she lied to me for years. I stayed for our small children but personally, I would have been better off if I had left.
How do you know to trust the information? That they are telling the truth?
hi mary, it's a tough question. here is an article on trust i think will really help you, along with answer the question. it's lengthy but it's worth the read as trust is a huge question spouses have to work through in recovery: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
This is so true.my imagination has gone extreme in the past year that i found out she was cheating.
I never got the details. He chose the mistress and blamed me for his actions. I left with our daughter to another state. I still wonder what happened. But I have resigned myself to not getting any answers.
Thank you for these great videos. This one is poignant as I'm in Day 5 of discovering a 9 month affair by my wife, and I cannot exhaust myself of the need for details. I'm wondering if you have a discussion on a more painful facet of the details that is causing all of my pain: The "Carnal" ones. I want to know all of those elements, and especially with such a long affair, there are so many, and they all cause me uncontrollable grief. I know it's common. I don't know how to gain control, how to stop seeking, and how to stop the painful visualizations that send me to hell and back. Thank you again, regardless!
The UNKNOWN is the killer. Then you have to fill in the scenario with all bad thoughts, which can make you worse....
Great videos
Beautiful thanks for the information.
very welcome. glad you're here.
MY wife was proud of herself, and smiled as she told me about the details. She told me the only sad thing she felt is that it only happened once.
sounds like she is still in her own angry and defensive stage, blaming you for the affair. i'm sorry you have to go through that as it's hurtful and debilitating I know. i'm really sorry, but try not to let it envelope you.
I’m so sorry 😐. Wow
Just found out my husband cheated on me..I don’t even know how I feel.
have you been to affair recovery yet? there are a ton of free resources for you that you can read about and look over and videos to watch to help you my friend. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. are you getting help anywhere yet?
So they have lied and cheated on you but you trust the affair details they give you ?
I think not, If you could trust them we would not be here.
No, we don’t, but we still want them to be honest. Yeah, as I type it…sounds insane! 😩
This is so CORRECT
Well said. This is the exact situation I am in. What do you do about a spouse who cheats you, tells he’s changed and then goes back on his word and does the same thing again.
Exactly . I’m divorcing
Im so tired of my husband lie😓😓 i almost giveup!
I came across your video as I was scrolling through youtube videos on infidelity. I sit here and think of what questions Im going to have for my husband when he gets home from his week turned into a month vacation with being with the other woman. I have a ton of questions and Im hoping he answers them fully & honestly as much as its going to hurt. Feeling so torn.
Spot on!
Yes the imagination just runs wild when you can't communicate ..My spouse want admit to anything I don't say anything anymore. I never thought I would come to the point where I'm starting to pull away..Cause leaving my imagination and making me feel like I'm crazy for feeling this way or not wanting to give me some type of security of what's really going on or what has happened so unfair
OMG our imaginations are the worst. But I think we make it out to be much worse than it is. Cheating is cheating it takes the right people to get through it. I'll let you know in a few months if I made it. 27 years man this is the last thing I ever expected. The only person I ever fully trusted.. lmk what works for you and what doesn't. Right now I don't want or need details.
But doesn’t it only make the affair more painful if they have the details to invision the two in their mind?
Thank you for this video and the ones I stumbled on today. I realize now how to helpp my wife heal and allow myself to heal whether the marriage ends or not. Truth. In detail.
I wish I could find something on your channel relating to the betrayer that lived in an abusive marriage.
This is exactly what I'm going trough for 3.5 moths. I will post a video of my story.
The only difference is that I found about her sexual adventurers 10 days after our separation.. HIT AND RUN! You got it right!
Your video helped me to understand my problem and source of depression.
Thank you so much!
you're very welcome. thank you for watching and posting.
My wife cheated on me, and everything you are saying is true. The worst thing about it is she won't let me talk to her about it.
thanks for sharing David. I'm terribly sorry for how she's responding. it probably has to do a lot with shame, which this article series will explain more about: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame
@@samshealingpodcast I read the article, and you may be right, but I'm not sure. My wife has taken a stance that she didn't cheat or commit adultery ("our marriage was over") even though we never filed for divorce and I was still taking care of her. She blames everyone else. It was your fault, "you were not a good husband". She blames her friends, "she encouraged me to do it". She blames the other man/men, "he was just so slick". She even blames her depression, "I was off my meds". I don't know if it is coming from shame or justification. Either way it makes me feel like I am unimportant, the least important person in her life, when I know I should be the most important, she is the most important person in my life. I believe in God, and I pray that he will soften our hearts and change us both in the way only he can. It's just hard.
@@dtuitt79 this series will help too as it helps expand on why the unf takes certain steps to defend, blame or minimize their choices. I think it will help you with more clarity and understanding as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-we-commit-betrayal-with-infidelity
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/thought-processes-that-lead-to-affair-and-betrayal-how-could-you-part-two
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/moral-justifications-unfaithful-spouse-uses-to-have-affair
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-doublespeak-and-distorted-comparisons
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/betrayal-the-secrecy-factor
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-dehumanization-and-blame
Amazing stuff here. I’m going through it right now. Everything I thought but couldn’t verbalize.
Well said.
This really helps me i subscribed thank you
so glad. thanks for posting and commenting.
People never know your journey, the pain you have been carrying since a long time, the hurt that is being part of your life pushing you back to achieve your goals, the weight you are carrying on your chest and still running in your life to achieve growth success personal and professional happiness. Saddest part is world never knows your story that you ran with broken leg ..
What do you do when both spouses are the betrayed and the unfaithful but the woman wants no details yet the man pushes for details after 10 yrs of ongoing recovery?
how does knowing all the details help the betrayed spouse to heal /?
they know what to forgive, they know what they are choosing to live with, they know what happened and didn't happened and can help mitigate imaginations in the future. it helps them be able to feel valued that the unf would share what has happed so they can choose what they are going to live with or without for the rest of their life.
Thank you
Incredible information, thank you!! Thank you! Thank you!
He told me she was married then she became a divorcée. I found all the truth from her and when I ask him, he lies.
How do you forgive and stay together? I can’t even face my spouse.
I'm going through as the betrayed...
I only found out about the details yesterday, still processing and this hurts a lot.
I think she is still having the affair. All the signs are still there and she won’t talk about it, and when she does she minimizes it and blames me. I am hurting so much right now.
My husband told me 3 days before our 21st wedding anniversary that he had been cheating on me for about 6 years. I started putting the puzzle together and it's more like 15, but let's just say it was for 6. When I asked for details and the name of the woman he was having the affair with his words to me where this. I'm not going to go to counseling, I don't want anyone to tell me what I did wrong, I don't want anyone to tell me how to fix it. And I'm not going to tell who it was. I replied to him I am not coming back, and that tells me that you value her more than you do me. I had left him almost two years before this incident because he was having another anxiety attack and these anxiety attacks I believe were triggered by his secret life and betrayals to me. I'm still trying to process the hurt. I don't want to be bitter and I don't want to be angry but I'm not going to be his friend. Our marriage is ending in divorce, it has broken my heart.
I hope you are doing well. I can relate to all the hurt that you and others write about.
I found out my wife in a affair with a ex fiancé from 30 years ago. She told him after 2 months that she would make him, hers.
She asked for a divorce 8 days after discovery. I’m 34 days after discovery now and I know after divorce that she’ll marry him. My marriage was me being a place holder for the guy she wanted 30 years ago.
I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over the betrayal and wasted years on this clown show of a marriage.
If I’d only known during our short engagement that she loved another, I’d be married to the right woman now for 27!years.
I feel all of these emotion with my husbands pornogrpahy use in our marriage. I feel a little embarrassed because he has never physically cheated but I feel cheated and betrayed with him looking at this stuff. I hope I am not crazy but does all of this apply to my situation as well. Dealing with a husbands pornogrpahy addiction.
it does for sure. infidelity is the keeping of secrets from our spouse. the fact is, it's still something on the side without your knowledge or blessing if you will. it's normal to feel what you're feeling. you're not crazy at all.
How do you handle the fact that your unfaithful partner has an affair with a person you have been friends with for years?
i did a video on that. here it is: ruclips.net/video/QP9VEuiV1u4/видео.html i hope that helps you my friend. i know it's awful.
My situation is exactly like yours! Not only have you been betrayed by 1 person you deeply love, but by 2 people you trusted and cared for!! I wouldn’t wish this on anyone!
WOW, such a great perspective for both sides ...
I have a spouse who says he loves me but does no longer sees a future together. We were the perfect couple in many peoples opinion including ours up until possibly 3 years ago .... Looking back since then there has been a slow buildup of changing behaviors, no infidelity yet (or at least he says so), his mistress seems to be his work. Every action on his behalf, article, and podcast I have read and listened to points him being in a midlife crisis/transition. As I now have read a tremendous amount of information on MLC, I feel I understand it much better now. After making the initial typical mistakes, I have now grown to be fine with whatever outcome will happen, I am a strong independent female and I know I will be fine either way. In all honesty, there are aspects of being single I am actually looking forward to exploring myself. He says it is not me, but It takes two to tango and I realize that, at some level, I have done/not done my share of things in the marriage that have contributed to the state of affairs we are in now.
However, I have not yet given up completely on the idea that there is the possibility of a new chapter together as 2 people with new outlooks on life, but I am also using the time we have left together by making preparations for me to start a new life independently with a little cash on hand. We cannot yet afford to separate, so we continue to be roommates, friendly, courteous, and without intimacy but in the same bed. We are on great terms and talk about daily life, gotta do laundry, how was your day, what do we need for groceries, etc ....but he is not making any attempts to start a meaningful conversation about his thought process. I am following the rules of disengagement and give him his space as much as I can under the circumstances while still living in the same house and not informing the kids just yet. I have my woman friends and articles that have been of great help to me processing what is going on. He, however, is not talking to anyone and does not see the need for counseling, which is his prerogative but probably not the most conducive way of processing his life transition.
It is so refreshing to hear you give this talk Samuel, because it is so true ... I am way past the point of heated conversations as they produce no positive results. But I do need a conversation, I need hear what is going on in his head for me to start moving on and healing as well, even though it will be hurtful information. It is incredibly hard to not ask for the answers I seek as I know they will help me heal but it will push him further away ... I want to give him support and listen without judgment but he is not initiating any dialog related to what is going on under the surface. Will he eventually ... ? or is there a way to where I can have 'some' communication and ask him non-accusatory constructive questions (perhaps once a week) and help us both understand how we got to be where we are and learn from it for future relationships.
Would love to hear your opinion, thanks Samuel. Carry on with the honesty ... it is so refreshing ...:)
thank you for your kind words. i would get expert help asap. the right expert help will create objectivity and safety to be able to have the conversations you need. early on, it's 100% normal to not see much leadership or initiative from the unf. but, after they do get expert help, if it's that way, it's a huge red flag. right now it's normal. but early on, it's also normal for the betrayed to have to drive the healing bus if you will as they are too beat up and beat down to do much leading at all. so you may have to tell him this is what you need and want and pursue expert care. thanks for posting and watching. means a ton to hear your encouraging words.
My wife refuses to tell me anyting she says she cant remember.
I’m so happy that I decided to turn to RUclips lol. These videos have been so accurate. It’s like pulling teeth to get details out of my husband, and it’s making me angry. I’m just trying to put this image together of who he was with and why. I wish these videos were subbed in Spanish because I feel like he’d be more open to listening.
thanks for the kind words JC. I'm sorry they are not in spanish yet.
I am melting. Im in this situation its hard to heal and forgive. I dont know details coz shes stop talking when i ask details. 2 yrs trying to figure it out what happen
my wife had a mid life crisis she was gone for 4 or 5 months she went to bars and my daughter told me she had a app for men . I know in my heart she cheated on me she denies it one time when i ask she couldn't hold back a grin so i have to live with this everyday its agony be good to someone who betayed in the most evil way you can be betrayed Theres a judgement day coming i guess i just have to trust God he is going to take care of this one day
I am so sorry you are going through this. And your daughter too - it must be hard for her too.
This...... This right here. Plus all the lying and hiding. 6 yrs in a relationship. 5 yrs married. He had a secret about a coworker that he never told me. I had to find out by pics in his phone one night when I plugged both our phones in to charge. I had asked, over and over and over but was always reassured that nothing was going on or had gone in. Every so often something else leaks out and then we're dealing with it all over again. Why can't we just put it all out there so that we can burn it and move on? Idk. But I absolutely love that I found your videos. It's helped me. Samantha destroyed a dollhouse, I used a hand saw to cut all the lumber and drywall I needed to build a bathroom in our basement. It felt goooood!!!!! We're still struggling. Went a marriage counselor and he lied to her. He admitted this to me. He has a problem with telling people what HE THINKS they want to hear instead of just being open and true. But I'm trying. And your advice has helped so much. Very relatable. Thank you. And keep doing what you do. ✌️♥️😊
In my situation I was scared of the details. I knew if my wife told me the details of her affair it would further devastate me and I think she knows this, she saw my reaction when I found out. I fell to my knees, curled in the fetal position and wept hard
Brianna Watkins I know the feeling.💔
Me too... haven’t slept or eaten in days..💔
Take good care of yourself and your body! This is crucial during this terrible time. Nourish and move your body! Get some sleeping aid if you must because sleep deprivation is going to exacerbate everything and will make any healing so much more difficult. 💔
Working on getting my wife to disclose info.....so far no luck
Brian Hernandez I can tell you it takes awhile. My husband didn’t tell me the full truth until about 3 &1/2 months after I found out about the affair. It sucks. I’m about 6 months in since finding out and the details suck my god they suck. But I’m grieving and trying to let it go but it is so hard. Thinking of you
I totally agree!!! I haven’t heal because of this reason, I laterally feel numb.
Never thought I would experience infidelity. I thought my mother had enough for both my sister and I. Sighs. Betrayal hurts like hell! I don't know how to deal with it. The first time, I had stopped talking to him for almost a year. That didn't do anything. I had to fix it. What really happens to the Unfaithful? Do they think it goes away just like that? That we could discuss, make up, and move on? Don't they understand the extent of damage they have caused? I can't sleep, I can't socialize, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to face people, I am uneasy when I am in public, i feel ashamed, i feel less than woman, i feel something is wrong with me. I can't focus, and I definitely can't be a wife. It's like I hate his presence, but still want to see him. I feel angry, pitiful, hurt, sad. And things can trigger the pain, make it intense. I am really not in a good place. I can easily see why people are tempted to cause self destruction.
incredibly normal my friend. this is what most betrayed spouses feel in one way or another. have you sought out any help at all? i would find an expert therapist in your area for help processing the pain. you can also consider this course called harboring hope on our website: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope it will be a safe place to help you process the pain, the hurt, the trauma and the ups and downs.
@@samshealingpodcast , thanks for responding. I am afraid I live in the Caribbean, so I doubt you can find anyone in my area. People in my culture hardly ever talk about stuff like this. It's even hard talking to your partner about it. So, I read and try my best to do whatever to fix, move on and heal. I will check out the site. Thanks.
@@shreedevi5602 i get it. I'm sorry for the lack of help. the site has courses and articles for you....you should be able to make the time change work for a course i believe.
SHREE DEVI this is so me right now, and I am praying for mercy!
I knew it always but I was in denial
6:55 "Blow your head off" I was there💯
Is it OK to keep demanding proof that the person is been faithful? What if the other person still have a picture and a phone number of the person they cheated with?
it's a bit of a difficult answer. the fact is, if they still have their phone number and picture, it's a huge red flag. demanding proof is more of the 2ndary question, when primarily, you have to ask why they still need their affair partner's phone number and picture. that's very concerning.
Definitely details, honest answer and remorse is all I want to hear and not to do it again. Sometimes when you tried to bring the issue and he tried to avoid by getting angry I think its not fixing but its blocking because he's trying to get away from it. Maybe the best way to forget is try to regain trust and let him in and if he will do it again, I think I'll be okay!!!!
My wife is bitter hateful and denies everything. She has been caught for everything and yet her answer is I am her crazy ex and need mental help. We were married 28 years and she was my girlfriend and fiancee for 2 years before. She was screwing a boyfriend the entire time. She has a hard heart and a seared conscious. I am good because of my relationship with Jesus. Joy and peace in the storm. Three adult children.
My ex has been brutally cruel and heartless and I really loved her to the point I got closure when I found out about her adultery.
You are so on point. I do feel paralyzed, but how do I begin to heal when I've only truly gotten the SOME of the details (from friends) AFTER my partner (17 years) passed away in May. I've been going to grief share for his passing but the betrayal feels 10 times worse. I had approached him several times throughout those years to be met with denial.
i'm sorry jennifer. i know it hurts like hell. you may consider our harboring hope course as well for helping to put the pieces together and grieve your way through it. i love that you're going to griefshare. that's so good for your own healing and well being. i'm so sorry for your pain.
This is so me. Oh my god, the heartache.
This absolutely has to be done with a therapist for both parties present
He never came clean and I’m so closed with him, I can’t open up to someone so reckless.
Me too.
I think another reason to share the details is that it can bring you both together. Without telling the details the Unfaithful has something special with the others, and the Betrayed is an outsider.
I didn't respond calmly when hearing his stuff, but other women can't come up to me and say they know what my husband likes but I don't. It makes me part of the true story.
It doesn't fix everything but it's a sign a spy has changed when he admits it first off and explains how and why he tricked you.
THANK YOU!! its hard to explain this well.. telling an edited truth makes you the victim an outsider...they don't understand they need to give you the full truth even without asking for you to totally heal and believe they really a changed person.
I want to know all the details so tht i may know what i am lacking compared to the other man.
Thank you for making this video, I'm having the dreaded conversation with my wife this evening after dinner. I will ask her politely to watch this, because she indicated that she wasn't looking forward to talking about it, even though she has already agreed to.
you're so welcome Wyatt. i'm sorry you qualify to be here, but so glad you're here.
It's been 5 months since i caught my husband cheated. . . He stopped cheating after that but until now i still can't forget. . .
Please help me how to deal with my emotions
there is our free bootcamp that will help you here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp you can find a ton of free articles here too: www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home i hope that all helps you in your recovery. there is a course for the betrayed spouse that will help as well found here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Im in the same situation i feel your pain it keeps replaying in my head too
Beautiful. Thank you. Im over the pain and i feel great. Most men that werent cuddled enough by their moms become cheaters i believe. Moms cuddle your baby boys so they dont break up families. Dads dont abandon your babies support your partner so we have healthy boys and eventually faithful men.
so true! my son will never cheat on any woman.
And women
You know what I thought this comment was going to be anti men but it’s very true and our fathers and mothers do need to do a better job of staying in the home and raising their kids properly!
Women cheat a lot too. That's why I'm here...
It's all very well saying that, my wife confided with her sister that she had an affair.
I presented the facts to my wife, but she said she doesn't remember the things that I said.
She gaslighted me saying I'm paranoid, and want out of our marriage.
Her sister could not believe that she was denying her affair.
I'm still hurting from my wife's lies, deceit, betrayal and blame shifting.
Well... It's been almost two years now and it's a big problem even if I ask how the progress have been in breaking off the contact ...so I haven't ask anything for six months now.. But it hurts... It's like being in a land of nowhere...
Mine just accusess me of doing things I didn't do. Like cheating. And denies what I say happened. It's a damn mess -_-
If I could pick one thing to change... it is asking for details. The details just create unnecessary hurt and more triggers to have to heal from. In the end it does not change the past and what happened. Getting details just make things worse for your mental health in my opinion. However, if the spouse is willing to be transparent it can show they are willing to put it all on the table and take accountability.
This is the problem I have with my husband right now he is not letting go and sharing what happened.. I saw emails and text messages all I want is for him to come clean he is denying what is on paper
What do you do when you confront them about the text messages that say they had sex but he denies it. It’s driving me crazy. How can I forgive and try to get past it when I am not getting the truth. I can not trust when the messages say one thing and he says another.
This for sure. 13 month relationship with my best friend. I have texts directly from her that say she specifically wanted to have sex with him. That it was her idea to have sex. When she tells me she was raped by him everytime, I have trouble believing it. She went back to him for more than a year. Why would you return to your rapist for more than a year?
She says that she didn't want to cheat on me, and her AP raped her everytime, but she lied to cover where she was going and what she was doing.
If there is anyone here who has dealt with a LONG term affair please tell me how you are now. My husband had a long term affair. 14 months with another female. I found out six months ago almost seven. The relationship ended in February of this year and I am struggling.
what help are you getting? what process are you using for recovery?
Going through this right now. Just exactly 2 weeks ago I found out about the affair my husband had been having and confronted him about it. Turns out he met her 6 years ago, although he claims that "things" didn't get started up until 3 years ago. I uncovered everything prior to confronting him so he wouldn't have a chance to lie about it. He told me just about every detail of the affair...prior to that I struggled with myself as to wether I wanted to know the truth or if it was better not knowing about everything (aside from what I had already collected as "evidence") which in a way didn't really confirmed exactly everything or at least to the extend that it was. It is honestly 50/50. I feel like if I wouldn't have known all the details, I wouldn't be hurting as much, but then I would've always been wondering. Now knowing about it and also confronting her, has devastated me completely to the core! Because she knew he was married all along and didn't care one bit, to the point where she denied everything in my face! I'm not one to go after the female, because obviously, my husband allowed that to happened in the first place, so I dealt with him first and then the rest just unfolded as the confrontation happened. But because of that, I know deal with every single detail, every second of the day and I can't even go outside without thinking "I might run into her" knowing that she lives so close by. So I left that same day of the confrontation and went to another city about 2hrs away from mine. When I was away, I didn't think about them in the same way I do now that I've come back for my stuff. Being here only brings the pain and all the memories up until that day. Slowly I can tell you that my love is turning into "hate" precisely because I know "everything", which in a way turns into "anger" but it's not something that's making me bitter, on the contrary, it's giving me that drive to go out and do better for myself. I have been unemployed for the past 2 1/2 years, completely and utterly relying on him, without a car as well because mine had broken down, so now I'm picking myself up from the ground and I know I will be better, eventually, with time, but it is hard dealing with it yourself especially after being together for 14 years. If I didn't know about "God" I probably wouldn't be here. But I am determined to prove to myself that I can overcome this, I just need some time away from it all. I haven't decided if I'm going to forgive, I'm not even sure if it's a "decision" I must make, he has been trying to make amends, but to me, right now, nothing can make up for what has happened. I've been staying away and I will keep it that way until I'm able to move on past it. We might get back together, we might not, I don't know, but regardless of what the future holds, I wanna be better for myself and heal in only the way I know how...I don't know what your situation is, I can only tell you from my own experience. But I have no friends whatsoever! Only family that I can look for support and they have been here for me, but they all wish that I can just "talk it off or seek help for both of us" like counseling and stuff, but it is not something I'm ready or willing to do, at least just yet. So I'm writing to you because I can relate and I wish I could have somebody other than family to help support each other through this painful road if you or anybody else wishes to do so. I know we are not the only ones and I have always been a private person, never putting my business out there up until this point, but only with the intention of a higher purpose, that it might help someone else that might be going through the same thing...
Overcoming Infidelity church and another friend of mine who has gone through similar but not nearly as long.
I’m so sorry, hun. You need to get into therapy to process through everything 💚
Yes. Husbands cheated 13 out of 26 years. I’m 2 years since d day and I’m struggling daily.
bless you
you as well steve thanks for watching and commenting
Yes i need the details. Like when it’s all started, why? How serious it is? My husband told me it was a misunderstanding, while the evidence tells otherwise. Hard to trust him again, but decided to give him another chance.
What do you do if she refuses to cut contact with the person she cheated? For eg. Refusing to delete their number off the phone or deleting them off facebook?
you have to consider drawing a boundary to protect you. here are a couple helpful links for you in those types of situations: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change ruclips.net/video/JQUCzF33yUg/видео.html sure hope those help you
What happens if the affair was all virtual but very real, and even after the affair the unfaithful spouse doesn't want to really try? What kinds of questions should the betrayed spouse be asking?