Red Flags in the Life of the Unfaithful during the Affair Recovery Process
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
- Understanding red flags in the life of the unfaithful spouse or partner serves two purposes. One, it can help the unfaithful understand how they are being perceived by their partner (and professionals) and assist them in understanding how their behavior is impacting their betrayed partner. Two, it can help the betrayed understand that what may seem like normal, usual behavior in both the marriage as well as the unfaithful partner is not normal at all. In fact, it can be alarming and indicative of significant issues in the life of the unfaithful which must be addressed in order for the relationship to find new life. Today, Samuel outlines a few key red flags in an attempt to help both sides of the affair find healing, compassion and new life.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Tantrums thrown by a 63 year old unfaithful man are unacceptable. It's embarrassing to be in a relationship with someone who still doesn't understand that rage isn't an effective defense against natural consequences. I'm done. He wants to avoid talking and wants to tell me to just get over it, I'm over it. He's not worth the effort.
Also as a betrayed I guess we are all walking giant red flags 🚩 knowing we have to transcend the worst dimension there is to real pain and staying with someone who we also now not only have to fight for our marriage with but had to tolerate the worst crossed boundary disrespect known to marriage. I don’t mean to sound harsh but truth is we are doing a lot as the betrayed to try and heal and forget just as much as you unfaithful are tired of hearing us cry and 😞 hurt. It’s hard trying to be super loving all the time to someone who completely disrespected the marriage and then now we have to “work someone more on y’all’s behalf. It’s exaughsting and debilitating and it’s something we have to learn to do because our actions and thoughts are now having to go in the complete opposite direction of what it truly wants to do which is Give up. 😭. That’s my red flag at least.
Yvette,
You speak truth, and I feel the same. The pain is unspeakable and haunting. I feel I’m a red flag to my spouse because he cannot deal with his shame. He denied, blamed, stonewalled, threw tantrums. Everything. It did not get better. I had to leave to heal my anger, resentment and hopelessness. I pray for all of us - betrayed and betrayers alike. These acts are “treason” in a marriage.
Wow it’s so painful to see someone else write so specifically to who I in this season of life. Thank you for sharing this and putting it into words. I don’t feel so alone right now
My wife is not remorseful at all
Completely agree that at times it is unbearable pain only known by us that have gone thru or going thru it, could understand.
🙏 stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
So we'll stated, I feel all of what you said.
Wow! Thank you for assuring me that these are red flags in the unfaithful and not that there’s something wrong with me, the betrayed
I'm honored to help. I had envisioned helping many who feel the way you feel. so glad I could support you in some small way.
Hits the nail on the head!
-Tantrum by Unfaithful
-Stonewalling by Unfaithful m/ Avoidance
-Defending & Deflecting by Unfaithful "Well if you would just" Blame blame blame... no acceptance/not owning their sh*!
-Shaming/the Poor me/Woe is me by Unfaithful, "Im just a piece of trash" "Im just a failure" not authentic. Just a way to stop the conversation
Every one of these red flags, tantrums, blaming, stonewalling, lack of empathy - all of them - remained present for years. My spouse was unwilling to grow up and get out of childish mode. We did not make it. I was the only one giving hard effort. I worked on me because both my emotional and physical health were at risk. You hit the nail on the head, Samuel. Your red flags became a screaming, flaming banner for me to get out.
I am so sorry you went through that. I can only imagine how hard it is being the only one trying to fix the relationship. I"m glad you put yourself as a priority and focused on getting bettter. Take care!
Me too. My wife cares nothing even I was sleepless for 30 days and lost 40 pounds. Now I am holding on this marriage
I feel the same exact way!
@@georyin872I wouldn’t hold on dude . It isn’t worth it. If she hasn’t acknowledged that she was wrong, then she will never be honest with you. I only know from experience.
@@georyin872you deserve better!😔
I watch your videos every morning since D day ( over a year now) just to keep me sane, Thank you 🙏
I'd be lost without Samuel's videos❤️ and knowledge he shares. He totally gets it!!!
that's such a huge compliment. thank you for sharing that. i'll be thinking about you in the mornings! hahah
@@2753ssbeach incredibly kind of you. thank you
Watch what they do and not what they say. My wife stonewalled, deflected, blamed, and had the occasional tantrum. Here we are 24 years later, still married, and we have a solid relationship. She now dresses conservatively, is focussed on her career (but not overly so), and has contributed nicely to the household finances. Up until menopause she took care of my sexual needs. I won’t lie, her stonewalling has protracted my recovery, but we got there eventually. I know she has remorse, the whole world got to find out about what she did, and she paid a heavy price for her affair and unwanted pregnancy by the affair partner.
Life is just so much easier if you keep your promises.
AA has this thing, "poor poor me, poor poor me, pour me another drink." Yes, I see this poor me thing coming out of my wayward more and more lately. If you are self shaming, you are not telling me, I am shaming myself over this.
Florence…right there with you. My spouse admitted after I separated that his behavior in an affair is the biggest regret of his life. He will struggle with this shame for the rest of his life. Instead of learning how to forgive himself (I have forgiven him), he wears it like a cloak and will not work with anyone to peel it away and leave it behind where it belongs so he can move forward.
Oh my goshhhh I literally said that to my unfaithful husband “sorry to inconvenience you with my emotions” Things did change after that though. He’s actually been pretty great since that one time he got defensive. All of your videos help me so much with my own emotions thank you! ❤
I said that same thing, too! 🤦🏻♀️
All of this saddens me. My husband will be good for a bit with working on himself and our relationship, but he is just checking boxes. Meanwhile, I’m trying so hard and working on my trauma to be a better person and parent. His big load of bs shows and then the energy he gives off is more than enough. It gets tiring being a pail of water sitting next to a raging inferno. There is a point where we have to realize there are just mean people in the world.
What you tolerate you can't change! AMEN!
Interestingly enough, I tolerated for years, always recommending, begging for help for us. After I separated, he claimed he just wasn’t “able to process why I left”. That is either childishness, no self awareness or a personality disorder. All three, I think.
I usually say “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”…which is exactly what my husband always does. It’s exhausting fixing everything by myself.
A huge red flag is when you give them grace after being unfaithful and because I have triggers now he says “ you’re bringing up my past , you don’t know how to forgive “ if anything remotely hurts me or triggers me. I thought of this , this morning after our argument last night; grace is sometimes given and the person will run with it doing what they please , but a real remorseful person who is repentant will receive grace and change. My husband runs from our problems and blames me. How about that for a bright red flag.
Same with my wife. DDay July 1. Since day 1 she says “ I am scared of your anger “. Same thing she said during her affair of why she was out of or marriage. Just an excuse for her behavior.
Avoiding at all costs any conversation.
Same song and dance. She talks to her parents for hours a day because through their eyes - she is blameless in all of this.
She has said “I am sorry a million times “. But literally no actions or behavior change to match her words.
Sad to hear this, Clint. There has to be real remorse to mend the marriage.
@@clintdeshazo2171 i am so sorry I truely feel your pain ! It’s very soul crushing when they expect you to work harder for the trauma and devastation they caused to you. It’s far more than insanity and they expect us to act so civil even though they did the opposite. The sad thing is nobody can make them try. They have to be willing and if not then we have to make a choice.
Yes. Yes to all of what you've said.
My wife is remorseful at all. Instead , she is excited and proud to sleep with a guy 16 years younger
Amen! This was so helpful! U find myself trying and he’s stonewalling
Samuel - I'm new to your channel and don't know your personal story but I can see and feel how your past experiences are pushing, maybe forcing you to reach out to help others. I am a betrayed, but my eyes still glass over along with yours as you pour your soul and heart out to help us. I would like to say and point out that your words, thoughts and hard earned wisdom not only applies to those in unfaithful relationships. I applaud you and your journey to the man you are today and thank you for putting yourself out the for the rest of us.
How about this for a "Red Flag" over a year from D-day. Having a mildly intense conversation with my unfaithful and she shuts me up by saying "you know what I loved about my affair partner" "RED FLAG" Uhhhhh SMH
And Thank you Samuel you got me through so much. You are one of God's gifts 🙏
so kind of you. that's awful to hear. i'm so sorry about that. i know it is absolutely humiliating.
What she said makes me angry. My mom would smack me.
Thanks always for your videos , which keep me going since D-day two months ago. I'd love to have a video on a situation where no recovery is envisaged by the unfaithful. My partner who is still cheating on me, evidently doesn't want any recovery, not sincerely in the sense I envisaged it upon my discovery of the betrayal. I thought we could really build anew our relationship, throw our mistakes behind our backs and move on together. It's apparent that's not how she sees things. I've come to painfully realize all she wants is to either stay in this limbo in which we're officially a family (kids are involved) but she can continue to lead her second life with the affair partner or if she cant' then she wants to break up. Now I'd also be for breaking up if it wasn't that she's looking to get something in the process that would leave me loosing. I cannot and don't want to go into details but when I say loosing I mean in terms of assets. I'd really appreciate a video that addressed at least the psychological and emotional aspects of such a dead end (because in my eyes it's a dead end, after that there's no more couple, no more union, family, nothing).
i'm so very sorry. i know that can be gut wrenching for sure. let me see what I can do about a video to help in some way. thank you for watching and sharing.
stay strong friend, im in the same kind of situation and i just dont feel it becoming a better relation than it was before, this redflag vidéo opened my eyes on some things ive been going thru since ive been unfaithful and some also cause im also a betrayed now... theres no easy way to deal with these kind of stuff ! best i can say is, love > fear of losing anything 🙏✌️
Two years later and three out of four are present. Stonewalling he's always done. Miserable. I appreciate your videos.
Yes....me too...two years later and all of what Sam said happens....gave up on " working" on his patterns. So, I just shut up now.
Six years since his affair and he treats me like I was the one who cheated avoiding me. All red flags he had from video. He's been told by the experts and counselors and he still doesn't do it. I just wish they could show EMPATHY and I believe I could move forward but when he plays the victim it causes triggers in me that I can't handle. Good Luck and Hugs as I know your Pain😪
Dawn…after six months of therapy with the same therapist (both as a couple and apart), she took me aside one day and said “you DO NOT have to stay in an unhappy marriage”. That was such a cryptic message- and not helpful or clear.
I wish she had told me what I would be looking at 10 years down the road. She knew. She didn’t warn me. He lied to me and told the truth to her. He went through the motions only.
He went from « I know I am a piece of trash » to « I am a good person »
4/4 here… I tried talking to her yesterday about how I was hurting… didn’t even finish the sentence before the - I’m hurting too
Narcissist at it’s best. Trust me I’m married to one. It’s always you don’t get to feel without me feeling too. 🚩🚩🚩
My physical, mental, and emotional health has suffered so much from it all. I'm just sick and tired of it at this point. I've been in a bad place now for almost an entire year. Our 11th year anniversary is coming up and the redflags are still there. I'm ready to give up soon. I've already emotionally detached to save myself from it all. I'm 108lbs and have heart pain. Enough is enough. I used to be 135 healthy with muscle. It's getting to the point where it's just not worth it anymore.
I'm in a similar way. I am currently hoping I die young. I'm 51. Next year is our 10th year Wedding Anniversary. Yay. An occasion to fake being happy. I'm glad I have no children. I used to dream of a different life. Now I just get through each day as it comes. I don't believe I will ever trust my husband again.
Hang in there
You don’t have to stay. It’s ok to walk away and start anew.
@@evej865I’m right where you are, but we all (right here in this thread) deserve better. We DON’T have to stay.♥️
Hi Sam. I'm watching as many of your videos as possible. Obviously struggling. Been 12.5 years since my wife had an affair, now her latest behaviors resemble/parallel all activities from before. I'm triggered so much. Anyway, lost in whatever. So many red flags and don't have a clue how to deal.
Relay Station: Ouch… Affair Recovery is THE BEST recovery organization, hands down. Learn from Rick, Samuel and Wayne. I took notes! If you’re approaching her with love and tell her you are worried about signs you are seeing, try to have a heart to heart discussion. Don’t hesitate to get help from the videos and seminars that are offered by AR!
Red flag, phone is off limits and deflects saying he’s afraid of my reaction. My reaction has always been come to him as calmly as I can, and say what is this. Even though my body is shaking and my nerves are shot in those moments. Every time he’s been guilty he goes into a fit of rage. Claiming phone access is disrespectful to him, most recently, went off because I accessed his phone without permission. He raged That I don’t have right to the phone because we are separated. He’s been through the program, admits infidelity was wrong, claims he’s not doing it. So why would he react that way? It’s a pattern.
Your body knows.
Six years later after the affair and my life Never going back to normal, lost in thought wondering how did he go from Loving me for 4 years prior like Cinderella until now I wonder was it LOVE or what that after I stayed all of these red flags are still occuring. It's ass backwards I've told him. He treats me like it was I who cheated on him and I'm the one begging to simply be loved or for him to place me back in his life as a PRIORITY. We've done all the counseling and the deflector I'm the reason it isn't working because and I'm not listening. All the GOOD counseling we've had has told him you need to draw close to her when you feel like avoiding her because of what feelings arise in him.
How come he can't understand the damage he has done and still does is by ignoring me. He speaks total words out of his mouth to me in a day 15 minutes of time if that and then he wonders why I'm stuck. We haven't had sex 2 times in the past 2 years with me wanting him and the relationship to him giving me the line for no Sex..."I don't feel Safe!" I sit on the other side of our table and think WTF??? He doesn't feel safe and I've repeatedly said why does YOUR SAFETY come into play with what you did to me? It brings everything all back the trauma. I do the work in counseling I go online and read articles to try n find answers I send him your videos and when I do this Sam he deflects and says ALL I DO is BLAME and SHAME him. I have a pretty bad mouth when I am angry but with this man how you speak about women screaming and saying mean stuff I sit across from him and talk in a normal tone only trying to find out why he continues to hurt me by abandoning me. I stayed and still Love him and show Love but NOTHING from him.How come like him Intelligent as all hell he can't see it's his behavior that doesn't allow me to move forward but to hold on to the past. I said I talk about the past because I'm so confused how 4 years he made me feel like Cinderella to now he doesn't have a care in the 🌎 World to me.
I've asked flat out saying I'm miserable, you obviously are miserable so what is the point to stay married anymore? His answer HE HOPED things would change by now. I told him HOPE is what is going to turn it around that work needs to be done on his part. Now he is in counseling and oh major trigger for me as I do not see any progress and his counselor that took over for the one that left is the Same Culture of the person he cheated on me with like in Indonesia. Then I wonder do you counsel in your session with her or do you two discuss the Culture and the Beauty of Indonesia? He even said to my counselor in his counseling he is working on him and not on items to fix or restore our relationship. What he is working on is becoming more ASSERTIVE in his sessions. Why that so he can learn to tell me off instead of being the Turtle in his Shell?
You are aware I have trauma from the past with being sexually abused by a pastor and it took 5 years to let Justice prevail for me. He met me at the end of it ALL. In the dating I came out and told hlm my Baggage yet he lied to me and the reason he and his wife divorced is because he did the exact same thing to her just like me. How would you like to find out that Lie after when I asked him if that was what he did and he LIED? I see Childhood Emotional Neglect and trauma he has endured and NEVER brought to the surface to see the WHY he has behaved this way and because I Love so hard I know all the Good he has and that is why I just don't walk is because I want so much more for him!!! I want him to realize he can TRUST me and I'm not his parents or the kids that bullied him as a child. However, I don't think I can hold on much longer as now thoughts of Suicide are surfacing like when I went through the Pastoral Abuse and was going to end my life.
Is there anymore HOPE for me to try? I'm on vacation now n told him marriage counseling has to occur when I get back or it's going to have to be over because it is making me unhealthy and to cry n have thoughts of exiting this Earth again isn't good at all.
Can you plz message me Sam and let me know if Affair Recovery would work with you guys or if someone like him nothing gonna work??? I've asked him why did you spend all the money with counseling and Experts if you don't use the information they give you. Thanks Sam
Im so sorry you are going through this hope your mental health is intact … I’m going through the same thing right now and I just lost all hope in my relationship
Samantha, I am so very sorry that you are still being treated as though YOU are the one with the problem. You described my husband’s exact response and actions as your husband’s. It’s been almost 8 years for me and I am still very stuck because of my husband not having empathy for the HUGE trauma he has brought into my life. My story is the same as yours. Only difference is we had been married for 38 years on the first Dday. Many more Ddays occurred over the next few weeks. 2 additional lengthy affairs and his porn use was revealed. When God exposed his secret sexual sin life, he was in a 2 1/2 year affair with a girl half his age. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My husband has the same attitude and is constantly telling me that it’s been almost 8 years ago. I’ve never healed because of his belief that once he repented and I forgave him, I am never to bring up his infidelities again. We did resume our sexual relationship after a few months but gradually dwindled down to zero! I always had to initiate sex, always for years. I decided I had allowed this man to humiliate and disrespect me long enough and about 2 years ago I vowed to myself that I would never again initiate sex. Well 2 years later, still no sex. So I confronted him about 6 months ago and he told me he has no interest in a sexual relationship with me. Really??? I know that you will completely understand just how humiliating that is. He surely was interested in sex with all of his affair partners. That’s all I hear when I need to feel loved and worthy is him reacting sarcastically and telling me it’s been almost 8 years ago. That it’s in the past and should remain in the past. Well just maybe if he responded the right way, my heart would be healed. You are not alone! We are in the same boat. I constantly question myself. Why am I still in love with this man and how in the heck could I desire to be intimate with such a heartless man. I am very sorry you are experiencing the same as I am. I just wanted to assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with YOU! You are responding in the very same way that any woman who really loves their husbands would respond! Sending prayers your way🙏🙏🙏
OMG! 💯!!! I am going through (like right this second) absolutely everything you just described. My husband did every single thing on this list. Thank you so much. You’ve given me back some of my peace of mind in knowing that I’m not crazy and it’s not my fault. ♥️
I no longer tolerated it and he just cheated more and blamed me
Are there any videos how to handle knowing that the unfaithful still has to work with his unfaithful subject and talk to them daily?
Good morning- my husband sounds like todays message; I try to discuss it and he tells me he can’t have a conversation with me because I’m irrational!
I think he is talking to someone and trying to self isolate to create distance to condone whomever he is talking to; I believe in intuition and something feels off; I trust it now- but I’m 5 years out and it feels like the same for me/ nothing changed for him- except I cry more and he ignores me more - once the marriage counselor told my husband he punished me throughout our marriage because of what his mother did to him - we never went back!
My emotions are bankrupt and my feelings are numb!
Please do a segment on how to deal with this- thank you so much
God Bless🙏
Dear Samuel
Thank you for such a good content. Right now i am 4 months past DD. I am a man, where my wife had an affair for 3 months. I have never felt so lost in my life.
We have been going to therapy for 5 months now.
I have been able to forgive her, but the moment i forgive her, she said that she has doubts about our marriage. It felt like the biggest hit ever. Like all i have worked towards was in vain. I honestly feel like giving up. It does not seem like she is fighting for me.
By the way 10 years of anniversary today, i kinda feel like just forgetting all the years.
Do you have any advice?
I feel for you my situation is almost exactly the same.
yes, get help. use a course on our site, or intensive. forgiving too soon can cause some serious problems as well. forgiveness often times comes in layers and at some level, just because we choose to forgive doesn't make it all work out simple and easy. here is a timeline to look over for insight about what things may look like the first two years: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-long-to-heal-recover-from-infidelity-affairs also, it's good she's expressing doubts about the marriage. better to hear it now, then a year down the road. don't wing it. don't do this on your own. use our free bootcamp to get started: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I truely appreciate it.
Just read through that link and ohhh boy. I’ve literally rushed the timeline. I feel so stuck 😭
I needed to hear this, I've been dealing with this with husband for a while now. Thank you for sharing this message. ❤
It's like you are here in my house and hear my husband! 1 thing he says over and over is that it's all because of his "sick sense of humour" talking to other women in a sexual way. Guess that includes going to meet these women in other places! He is so used to lying that he refuses to ever be honest - even when he is caught red-handed! 30 yrs for nothing :(
I’d look at him and say “what you are doing is wrong and is unfaithful and painful to me. When will you realize that?” And walk away.
He needs boundaries. He is supposed to protect your marriage.
How can I get in touch with someone from your company? I would like to inquire about maybe getting myself some help. My wife left me for a week a year and a half ago to live with some other man. We had been trying to work it out but on Feb 04,2023 she took her own life
All of them . In my ex unfaithful ... Every time we communicate and we communicate only because we have a kid . 🤷 God may help him because for sure him doesn't even want to help him self. So sad . He did terrible things ..he is living with his affair he did the worst things to me and my kid and even after 3,5 years he still is in that mood
That's so so miserable its sad a old story and so the last decision is commynicating by sms only . 🤷.
What about when the AP is a neighbor?
Yalls videos have been so helpful to me right now. Though, unfortunately, we are not going through recovery together like I would like to, as the betrayed these have been extremely uplifting and helping me on my journey on my own
My unfaithful spouse does all of these. 7 years post affair and we still have no trust or intimacy.
Same after 5 years
@@christyjohnson5618Why do you stay? Seems plenty of time to heal or move on
After 6 years of initial afdair, the last few years have been ok. Then he started lying about having dinner with women while traveling for work for the past 5 months. I'm so tired
Brother Samuel, if your able please dont stop the videos you post , they are a tremendous blessing not only what you share but when i read comments i dont feel so alone thru this and helps me to find some comfort soemtines at my most desperate moments , thank you 🙏
And what if the unfaithful displays most of these red flags but doesn’t think they need help and doesn’t believe in therapy? Is the healing still possible?
Every one of these happens every time I try to have a constructive conversation about my wife’s repeated contact with her old boyfriend. The most ridiculous is her insistence about two of the incidents that I gave her permission to see him. I’ve shown her these videos, and pleaded for her to face her responsibility honestly, but she always reverts to these ploys and tactics, and there simply is no way forward. I will not leave her or divorce her, but the pain has been ever present for the past 14 years, and no end is in sight.
This is beautiful information, even for singles.
Omg to read they these comments. The pain, I could not bear.
I’d def be OUT of the marriage if I didn’t feel they take this work continuously & seriously.
It’s business after all,
Blaming and Deflecting (or “Justifying” as the women I betrayed calls it) is my go to for some reason. I dislike this about myself but I hate the hurt it has caused (I have caused) to the woman I say I love (but I didn’t show he love with my actions)!
Excellent! Thank you!
God this is so true. She just won’t show any humility.
Is there any way to contact you privately? Through messenger or something?
It’s a ministry question
About 4.45 in he says the UF say let's go into debt? Why? Wouldn't that just add to the stress?
I'd rather be in debt, saving my relationship than not wanting to spend money on recovery work, living in turmoil, no hope, no help winging it on my own. Saving a family and/or a relationship is worth going into some debt to do. However, should you feel otherwise, that's certainly your choice and who am I to tell you what to do.
4/4 😭🤮😭🤮😭
Sam your delivery of the wished for sympathetic Unfaithful empathy - is just what betrayed spouses feel hope and cared about … thank you - you saved me. I am soooo grateful to have found this recovery help…🙏🏽💜 deep gratitude you did the work and honored your wife and family and give the rest of us hope.