This is one of the absolute BEST videos I’ve seen that explains the behaviors that are hurtful for the betrayed. Sam, you used a very similar analogy that I have used to try to explain how what my unfaithful husband is doing is harmful not helpful on many occasions, even in counseling sessions. Expecting me to give him sympathy for how hard it is to clean his gun after he unloaded it on me and our children and to comfort him because his finger is sore from pulling the trigger has been one of the hardest things for me to try to get across to him. Infidelity is the only crime I can think of where the victim is supposed to support the perpetrator. Probably one of the worst things is the “ can’t you see how much I’ve changed” or I’m not that person anymore.” If you’re having to try so hard to convince me with words that you’re changing instead of actions that is a huge red flag. Sure wish I could get your message across to more people. Great work guys.
One of the best episodes in this series thus far. As an unfaithful who has benefited by Sam’s coaching and investment in me, I can say he is spot on when discussing how the ‘why’ evolves overtime. It’s critical that the unfaithful get to the bottom of why things played out the way they did. Unfortunately, sometimes one’s betrayed partner won’t understand or won’t be able to fully accept the unfaithful’s ‘why’ and that can be very disappointing to both sides. However, doing the good work, the hard work, the self discovery work - is critical wrapping ones head around how an unfaithful came to this point in their life. Once you understand that, I believe you have a place from which to depart on your healing journey.
Hello. My name is Suzanne & I am healing from betrayal trauma. I learned 2 1/2 yrs ago, my husband cheated 3 yrs after we married. I suspected, details were confirmed by MALE FRIEND WHO SAW HIM, I asked repeatedly & he lied manipulating me for the next 32 yrs. I want to send PERSONAL THANK YOU for creating this channel. Ive discussed many of the topics in your podcasts with my husband in attempt to heal him & NOTHING seems into work, until you produced these. HE, the unfaithful & disrespectful, will listen to a MAN'S point of view much more willingly than listening to the #$%! wife. Seeing a female professional LFMT did not work. He OGLES & GAWKS at women in public in front of me & she was another target. 💔
I'm so sorry you qualify to be here but so glad you found us and honored to be a support to you. I know it's an awful time but hopefully the work we do can support you both and bring healing. Thank you for watching and commenting.
I'll feel safe when I see that my husband has some healing under his belt in his attachment style and emotional intimacy problems and after years of waiting, he has the courage to give a full disclosure. I'm being extremely patient with this situation, probably to my own detriment. It feels horrible.
Not being able to verbalize the "why" wasn't quite so affecting to me because the surface explanations seemed like excuses or an attempt to minimize the issue It personally felt so scary to me because, as I'm always saying to him, you can't hope to ever solve a problem if you don't even know what your problem is! What are you working on, what are you trying to fix and heal if you don't even know what needs to be healed?? And if you aren't healing the wounded parts causing you to make harmful decisions, you're going to keep making them!
Thank you so much for sharing your Life changing advice & wisdom. I have not been able to find those people who have been through this stuff & can really challenge me & support me so I rely heavily on this kind of material. Thank you so much.
PEOPLE CHOOSE TO NOT BELIEVE IN BETRAYAL TRAUMA ……THIS IS VERY SERIOUS “ BUSINESS“ AND VERY SAD TO SEE HOW PEOPLE TAKE IT SO LIGHTLY…..THIS EPISODE DESCRIBES ME SO WELL …..I DO NOT FEEL SAFE AT ALL AND IN THE WORLD , AS A BETRAYED .
My husband is one to not share his feelings. So I do go by his actions and his daily interactions with me. He has never blamed me and takes total responsibility for his actions. He's very remorseful and is very patient with all my questions and meltdowns. I have set boundaries he's completely on board with all of it. The only downside in we are Not getting help from anyone. I myself alone watch your podcast and try to get insight on the WHY. I have just accepted I will never know that reason. And like you have mentioned I pretty much live day to day on waiting for that other shoe to drop.😪 I only have my faith to keep US on the right track.
Then I would suggest, and this may hurt and I am truly sorry for all you have gone through. He’s not on board fully. If your husband isn’t willing to get outside help then he isn’t willing to fully face the responsibility and result of his actions on you and anyone else it has affected. Having been on this road myself for 2 years (longer with being aware of his issues and betrayal situations, nearly 20 years we met and I knew he had stuff from his childhood that needed sorting). I’ve learned a lot and I’ve heard some real tough stuff that I couldn’t face straight away. So what you do with this is completely up to you. Of course. Praying for you and much love.
I love you Sam! I love how you word things. Forgive me if I’m not going to get the pom-poms out for you😂😂😂🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 that’s the one. Been handed to the wood chipper of life. 100%
Interestingly the expectation of validation, often not realised is also not reciprocated to the betrayed. Where is the validation for all that we do? I can self validate, just to be clear. It’s just baffling to me, I love validating people. It’s such a positive thing that so many do need. Yet there is that healthy line, right? But the unaware expectation to have it yet no awareness to them not giving it 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, exactly. That pathetic “me, me, me, poor me” between his sentences just makes me terribly upset. At the same time, there are subliminal insinuations that I don't have enough help. Well, that's actually true, because in our country - apart from normal psychotherapy - there is no help for people in my situation, in contrast to people with his problem. I have to fight through this alone, and I'm doing it as best I can! Nevertheless, I no longer let him verbally entice me. I held his cowardly hand long enough and neglected myself in the process.
This is one of the absolute BEST videos I’ve seen that explains the behaviors that are hurtful for the betrayed. Sam, you used a very similar analogy that I have used to try to explain how what my unfaithful husband is doing is harmful not helpful on many occasions, even in counseling sessions. Expecting me to give him sympathy for how hard it is to clean his gun after he unloaded it on me and our children and to comfort him because his finger is sore from pulling the trigger has been one of the hardest things for me to try to get across to him. Infidelity is the only crime I can think of where the victim is supposed to support the perpetrator. Probably one of the worst things is the “ can’t you see how much I’ve changed” or I’m not that person anymore.” If you’re having to try so hard to convince me with words that you’re changing instead of actions that is a huge red flag.
Sure wish I could get your message across to more people. Great work guys.
100% aligned. Words vs action….and they don’t seem to align which speaks to the level of integrity of their authenticity.
Omg that analogy is gruesome but so so so true! I'm 2 mo out from D-day
Great
Job James !
One of the best episodes in this series thus far. As an unfaithful who has benefited by Sam’s coaching and investment in me, I can say he is spot on when discussing how the ‘why’ evolves overtime. It’s critical that the unfaithful get to the bottom of why things played out the way they did. Unfortunately, sometimes one’s betrayed partner won’t understand or won’t be able to fully accept the unfaithful’s ‘why’ and that can be very disappointing to both sides. However, doing the good work, the hard work, the self discovery work - is critical wrapping ones head around how an unfaithful came to this point in their life. Once you understand that, I believe you have a place from which to depart on your healing journey.
This is a great video!
thanks so much for watching and leaving a comment.
Hello. My name is Suzanne & I am healing from betrayal trauma. I learned 2 1/2 yrs ago, my husband cheated 3 yrs after we married. I suspected, details were confirmed by MALE FRIEND WHO SAW HIM, I asked repeatedly & he lied manipulating me for the next 32 yrs.
I want to send PERSONAL THANK YOU for creating this channel. Ive discussed many of the topics in your podcasts with my husband in attempt to heal him & NOTHING seems into work, until you produced these. HE, the unfaithful & disrespectful, will listen to a MAN'S point of view much more willingly than listening to the #$%! wife.
Seeing a female professional LFMT did not work. He OGLES & GAWKS at women in public in front of me & she was another target. 💔
I'm so sorry you qualify to be here but so glad you found us and honored to be a support to you. I know it's an awful time but hopefully the work we do can support you both and bring healing. Thank you for watching and commenting.
I'll feel safe when I see that my husband has some healing under his belt in his attachment style and emotional intimacy problems and after years of waiting, he has the courage to give a full disclosure. I'm being extremely patient with this situation, probably to my own detriment. It feels horrible.
Informative video. So good to see Sam again and obtaining wisdom from 2 men that travelled this road.
Not being able to verbalize the "why" wasn't quite so affecting to me because the surface explanations seemed like excuses or an attempt to minimize the issue It personally felt so scary to me because, as I'm always saying to him, you can't hope to ever solve a problem if you don't even know what your problem is! What are you working on, what are you trying to fix and heal if you don't even know what needs to be healed?? And if you aren't healing the wounded parts causing you to make harmful decisions, you're going to keep making them!
Thank you so much for sharing your Life changing advice & wisdom. I have not been able to find those people who have been through this stuff & can really challenge me & support me so I rely heavily on this kind of material. Thank you so much.
You had me at pompoms
PEOPLE CHOOSE TO NOT BELIEVE IN BETRAYAL TRAUMA ……THIS IS VERY SERIOUS “ BUSINESS“ AND VERY SAD TO SEE HOW PEOPLE TAKE IT SO LIGHTLY…..THIS EPISODE DESCRIBES ME SO WELL …..I DO NOT FEEL SAFE AT ALL AND IN THE WORLD , AS A BETRAYED .
My husband is one to not share his feelings. So I do go by his actions and his daily interactions with me. He has never blamed me and takes total responsibility for his actions. He's very remorseful and is very patient with all my questions and meltdowns. I have set boundaries he's completely on board with all of it. The only downside in we are Not getting help from anyone. I myself alone watch your podcast and try to get insight on the WHY. I have just accepted I will never know that reason. And like you have mentioned I pretty much live day to day on waiting for that other shoe to drop.😪 I only have my faith to keep US on the right track.
Exactly my experience
Then I would suggest, and this may hurt and I am truly sorry for all you have gone through. He’s not on board fully. If your husband isn’t willing to get outside help then he isn’t willing to fully face the responsibility and result of his actions on you and anyone else it has affected. Having been on this road myself for 2 years (longer with being aware of his issues and betrayal situations, nearly 20 years we met and I knew he had stuff from his childhood that needed sorting). I’ve learned a lot and I’ve heard some real tough stuff that I couldn’t face straight away. So what you do with this is completely up to you. Of course. Praying for you and much love.
I love you Sam! I love how you word things. Forgive me if I’m not going to get the pom-poms out for you😂😂😂🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 that’s the one. Been handed to the wood chipper of life. 100%
Interestingly the expectation of validation, often not realised is also not reciprocated to the betrayed. Where is the validation for all that we do? I can self validate, just to be clear. It’s just baffling to me, I love validating people. It’s such a positive thing that so many do need. Yet there is that healthy line, right? But the unaware expectation to have it yet no awareness to them not giving it 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, exactly.
That pathetic “me, me, me, poor me” between his sentences just makes me terribly upset.
At the same time, there are subliminal insinuations that I don't have enough help.
Well, that's actually true, because in our country - apart from normal psychotherapy - there is no help for people in my situation, in contrast to people with his problem.
I have to fight through this alone, and I'm doing it as best I can!
Nevertheless, I no longer let him verbally entice me. I held his cowardly hand long enough and neglected myself in the process.
So good! Thank you!
EXACTLY! It’s absurd they should get gold stars for what?
Feeling all of this
so glad. thank you for watching and commenting.