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why don't they divorce instead of cheating and being dishonest?

If his perception of reality is a fantasy and he is blaming me for being controlling. Then is he just being defensive to be allowed to continue to live in his fantasy. Then what can I do to bring him back to reality? Without making him run away.

There are no real consequences. Cheaters are the scum of the earth. They lack basic human decency. As soon as they feel unhappy they just go out and find some superficial band aid to make themselves feel better even if it hurts others. It's like they are either too stupid or brain damaged in spme way. They do not change fundamentally. They will always do it again so long as they think they can get away with it. It's alway about the cheater's needs and wants. As he said he can only be faithful when he focuses on whats in it for him. Not because his actions would harm his partner. Cheaters are fundamentally selfish and they NEVER change.

I am an unfaithful that relapsed with mistress after 3 months of recovery after a 4 year long affair! I reached out to her via phone, txt, and emails. Wife found out from mistress I did so. I am on week 4 of being out through the meat grinder again. The highs and lows of wife being sweet and loving minute to daggers the next or rest of the day are agonizing!!! What’s my best move in these times of hatred and lashing out at me? I have been calm watching you gentlemen, and continuing to see therapist, and owning the entire situation. Is my best course continuing to do the work of recovery, therapy, and continue to show wife through my actions that I will change and am changing for good?

I was wondering where you got to Sam. Your AR videos got me through the hardest time of my life. 6 months on from D-Day 1 of many, and I can see the light, occasionally. Thank you 😊

Over a year since D day and I am still waiting for accountability from my unfaithful. It's so heart breaking 💔

You had me at pompoms

Great to see Samuel again. Hope all is well. Curious as to what happened at AR that he left? But none of my beeswax. Probably just time to strike out for new opportunities - season of economic seismic shifts and changes upon us and all. Praying for the success of each biz. Grateful for works like this! Sam’s videos were the best, most hard hitting when we were going through it… or I was. So on point with the experience. Grateful for your wisdom and insights, gentlemen!

Thank you! What a great idea for a show!

Looking for external validation that you’re improving….that’s where my unfaithful is stuck. Still stuck on that external validation. And the relapse looks like defensiveness, anger and frustration. He was addicted to his affair partner. He used alcohol, drugs, work and none of it gave him that validation like she did. And he was enmeshed and addicted to her.

Great video. Filled w some great nuggets!

We appreciate these podcasts so much! And you guys are always 🎯!! This is my unfaithful husband 💯, 6 months post Dday, and half-a$$ in his recovery efforts. It’s painful, exhausting and soooo crazy-making!😩

#4 Negotiation My unfaithful husband still uses this 5 yrs into recovery. "From the Beginning" - you cant see what i said from the beginning - you cant see that i tried from the beginning - you wont except what i wrote from the beginning -you never heard what i said from the beginning - you cant see what i offered from the beginning - you cant see that i wasnt ANGRY from the beginning -empathic, working on it, etc.... 10 seconds or 10 mins of work from the beginning constitutes a 14 day tantrum, of anger or silent treatment! I used to cry, never again. Thank you for this education. We the betrayed are not crazy!

OMG I have said these things almost verbatim for almost a year. My husband because of s boundary reached out to Sam in his request for help he stated that I have mental illness issues talk about manipulation. I wish with all my heart he understood that I can no longer be manipulated in this way. Together for 40 years... and he truly believes that I will accept his excuses and not listen to my intuition

Please send me the information for the intensives that James & Sharon do.

To some degree they maybe aware they are distancing from what is at home. They don’t like parts of the self so dissassociate somehow drugs sex ct.!

Oh yeah.... it ends up feeling degrading. When we as the betrayed say hey I came across this video, ect and they're like ok I'll watch it when I have time.

As a Betrayed, a lot of the content in this episode didn't resonate with me. Maybe it helps listening Unfaithfuls better. If any other Betrayeds feel different, please comment on that. I may not have been open enough.

Dude, the self awareness and the accountability you expressed, the strength, vulnerability and self acceptance AND self compassion that was delivered by means of tough love, just changed my belief that it is possible for the unfaithful to actually reach a point of authentic understanding of what they have done, and what they have done to others. Thank you so much.

My husband wants to better himself, is individual counciling alone enough? He says he doesn’t have an addiction, but he’s had an affair twice now in our 20 years of marriage. One in the beginning and then recently. He’s also flirted and texted other woman throughout our marriage. He says he developing a more mature mindset. I just feel like he should be doing more than just individual counseling. We did 10 sessions of marriage counciling but I think we did it too soon because he was still lying and in contact with his AP over the phone during that time. He claims that’s when he was having a hard time letting the AP go but he no longer feels the lust for her that he once did and that it was a process he had to go through.

I would love these videos get to more people that need to hear them. I think the titles could be better, as I think those particular people who don't adintify, because of denial, withe the title of "unfaithful" ♥ 🙏

I'm so deeply touched by this. I've seen both sides of this and I'm filled with compassion and understanding for myself and my ex boyfriend. I'm so glad I found you, your work is incredible! Thank you so much 👏❤

At what age do people stop having affairs

Did you k ow Ledzeplin has been reincarnated...check out Greta Vanfleet ❤

Thanks for the roadmap. It’s a really helpful. Keeps hope afloat.

God bless you sir. I pray, once my prodigal is restored, he will also reach back and help the lost. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜

I wanted intimacy but he gave it to someone else. Now I try to avoid it with him. I don’t have much left for him after knowing how long he played his emotional affair game. 40 years down the drain for 9 years of a game at church. She played it with any married men who were weak and selfish. Sad but he turned me completely off playing this game for so long. We’re together because we have no where else to go. She was a joke, he’s just too much of an idiot to have figured that out early on. Blind as a bat, now ruined our marriage. He wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend all is well. Is that enough avoidance for you? I’ve never received one bit of sympathy for being broken. He’s tired of my drama and you need to get over it, are his two favorite terms of endearment for me.

I understand I’m sorry you feel that way. What if I change it to I’m sorry I made you feel that way? I’m sorry I keep making you feel this way?

As a betrayed, I've been listening to all these things for years now. The more I learn the more impossible it seems that my spouse will ever heal. He has 5 or 6 diagnosis. I want to hope but it will be 6 yrs in Aug and he still claims there's nothing wrong and just keeps woman hoping. Which is now showing up in our 13 yr old. 😢

They don't care. It's called hypergamy. Justified in their minds.

What does it take for an unfaithful/actor to seek help

This is great! Thanks brother Sam!

When I try to talk about it with him, He lays back on the couch with his eyes shut while I’m talking to him. Says “are you done yet? “ And that is all he does and says. What is that about?

so heartening you guys!! really get it

The time limit on conversions are used by my unfaithful wife to filibuster. She would deflect for 25 of the 30 minutes then insist we’re out of time. I have now stop the timer until she answered my original question. If she takes 10 minutes to answer (yes she has actually taken over 10 minutes to answer) that 10 minutes is added to the end. She also demands that I answer her questions before she answers mine. I ask her a question and I literally get 15 minutes of her questioning me about the question I asked her…

The unfaithful partner, can handle their emotions just fine, if they can take anger, shame, and turn it in to justifications to become entitled, then they can handle the betrayeds feelings. If they felt entitled enough to give themselves permission to cheat, which required the ability to make their partner the bad guy, then it’s an issue of what they have trained their subconscious mind to believe about their partner. So just like with being able to justify their actions and give them selves permission to cheat by making the partner the bad guy. any interaction with their partner will set off the neurological path ways that they have spent tons of time strengthening. If the betrayed does or says anything that triggers any negative emotions, then off it goes following the same path ways, with the same thoughts, justifications, and entitlement. Only instead of suppressing any physical reaction, that is then released while cheating, it’s now directed outwardly towards their betrayed partner. They dismiss, and diminish the betrayeds emotions because they are still acting out their self assigned entitlement over their partner.

Shockingly insightful, nothing even close to this on all of yt. This is a great body of work you have here, ty ❤

Listening to you two brings tears to my eyes, while offering hope at the same moment. Your thoughts, words and personal growth are in abundance

Brilliant points. As the betrayed, looking for better understanding, this video, well all of your videos, have shown that there's a path forward.

I love the honesty of these two men! They tell it like it is from experience! If you have been the victim of betrayal takes notes from what they telling you! We always ask the question why! How in the world could he have been so deceptive and manipulating? How is it that I saw a few signs but just didn’t want to believe them until the betrayal became a reality!!! Absolutely shocking to the core!

I'm the betrayed spouse listening to this..I am desperate to not just throw in the towel on our marriage. Denial, being a victim, justifying, villainizing..etc. If hes doing these things, what does that mean for my marriage? Should I walk?

See this in our marriage with my husband's family. But also now looks like we have repeated some of the crap with our kids. What does a healthy relationship between adults and parents look like? What does a healthy teen/parent relationship look like? What does a deep family relationship look like?

“Is it always going to be like this”? My response was-you had 9!years I know of, to play your texting games with her, I get at least that long. But you can leave anytime you want. I already figure you left part of me during this time so if you want to play games with someone else fine, you’re free to go. Did he leave? No, he (his personality is not leaving security). Do I want him to stay, doesn’t matter. I’ve become stronger these last few years and am prepared if he stays to try and make it better or deal with myself alone in my house. I realized that if I was single, met him, liked him and then found out he did to his wife, what he has done to me, I would run the other way. Now What do I do with that kind of feeling?

Not being able to verbalize the "why" wasn't quite so affecting to me because the surface explanations seemed like excuses or an attempt to minimize the issue It personally felt so scary to me because, as I'm always saying to him, you can't hope to ever solve a problem if you don't even know what your problem is! What are you working on, what are you trying to fix and heal if you don't even know what needs to be healed?? And if you aren't healing the wounded parts causing you to make harmful decisions, you're going to keep making them!

Interestingly the expectation of validation, often not realised is also not reciprocated to the betrayed. Where is the validation for all that we do? I can self validate, just to be clear. It’s just baffling to me, I love validating people. It’s such a positive thing that so many do need. Yet there is that healthy line, right? But the unaware expectation to have it yet no awareness to them not giving it 🤷🏻‍♀️

How about are you ever going to let it go?. Is it going to be like this for 3 more years 5 more years. That was the past.

It takes too long. I can’t wait for him to come out of this selfishness and thoughtlessness. I am giving him a trophy for the Greatest Stonewaller in History. He forgets how to talk when we try to work through this and discuss it. I have watched all of Sam’s other videos and they’ve been good, I learned so much, but when after 2.5 years you can’t get the offender to help themselves there is no hope left in me for him. It’s day to day survival to just keep moving on with life, whatever that looks like for that day.

I love you Sam! I love how you word things. Forgive me if I’m not going to get the pom-poms out for you😂😂😂🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 that’s the one. Been handed to the wood chipper of life. 100%

Another informative episode! Thank you Sam and James.

Thank you again, very helpful information for both unfaithful and betrayed. Could you one day do a video focussing on helping us help our children who discover their parents infidelity? Our son at 12 saw photos of his dad on porn site chat rooms and his involvement in sexually explicit talk on chat rooms, he is now 20, and is not talking to his dad. He refuses to go to counselling. We all live together in the same house and as his mother, it breaks my heart that my son has been exposed to these destructive choices my husband made. My son doesn’t want to talk about it.