![Ask The Unfaithful](/img/default-banner.jpg)
- Видео 24
- Просмотров 71 372
Ask The Unfaithful
США
Добавлен 4 янв 2024
The Ask The Unfaithful Podcast, is a safe place for both Unfaithful and Betrayed Partners to find hope and healing. This podcast draws on both our personal and professional experience to provide expert insight into the mind of the Unfaithful, and how their behaviors traumatically affect the life, heart and even brain plasticity of Betrayed Partners.
Ask the Unfaithful is hosted by two Unfaithfuls in long-term recovery, James and Sam:
Therapist and coach James Annear who co-owns CORE Relationship Recovery with his wife, Sharon Rinearson. They have been helping couples recover from the traumatic impacts of infidelity, sexually compulsive behaviors and addiction for over a decade.
Formerly with Affair Recovery and now host of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam has been producing videos for almost 10 years and helping to care for those in crisis due to infidelity and addiction for almost 15 years.
Please email AskTheUnfaithful@Gmail.com with questions or to ask for help.
Ask the Unfaithful is hosted by two Unfaithfuls in long-term recovery, James and Sam:
Therapist and coach James Annear who co-owns CORE Relationship Recovery with his wife, Sharon Rinearson. They have been helping couples recover from the traumatic impacts of infidelity, sexually compulsive behaviors and addiction for over a decade.
Formerly with Affair Recovery and now host of Sam's Healing Podcast, Sam has been producing videos for almost 10 years and helping to care for those in crisis due to infidelity and addiction for almost 15 years.
Please email AskTheUnfaithful@Gmail.com with questions or to ask for help.
E23: What are 5 Smokescreens the Unfaithful Use to Deflect?
Have you ever considered the possibility that we, the unfaithful, massively deflect? If you're a betrayed partner, we're quite positive you've seen us utilize a smokescreen time and time again. You may have even laughed or rolled your eyes at the mere question. It's as though we launch smokescreens to deflect, diminish and even disrupt the conversation to alleviate any guilt or responsibility on our part. We also utilize smokescreens in an effort to manipulate and turn attention away from our actions and on to the things you, the betrayed, may have done in our opinion as unfaithful to justify our actions. Yes, we can be that unhealthy and that unsafe. If you're an unfaithful, we hope toda...
Просмотров: 4 015
Видео
What are the 5 Stages of Change for The Unfaithful?
Просмотров 2 тыс.14 дней назад
Did you know there are actual stages of change we as human beings go through before we arrive at true change? Did you also know there are stages we unfaithful partners go through both before, during and after our affair or problematic sexual behaviors? As both an unfaithful and a betrayed, it's imperative we have a knowledge of and understand these stages of change if either we or our partner a...
5 Communication Mistakes the Unfaithful Make
Просмотров 1,6 тыс.21 день назад
Any couple trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction will attest to the difficulty they have had trying to communicate with their partner. From misunderstanding, to defensiveness, to outright anger and rage, this journey of communicating is not for the faint of heart. It's enough pain to make a betrayed partner feel like they are absolutely alone in their wounding from the ...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 20: 10 Reasons Why the Unfaithful Self Sabotage
Просмотров 3,8 тыс.Месяц назад
Have you ever wondered, as an unfaithful, "Why do I keep doing this?" "Why do I keep getting in my own way?" "Why is it that no matter what I do, I eventually just make decisions that sabotage my life?" If you've ever struggled with these thoughts and more just like it, you're in luck as today we dive deep into why we unfaithful self-sabotage. Maybe you're a betrayed and you've been left wonder...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 19: What are the Signs of Denial in the Life of the Unfaithful?
Просмотров 3,2 тыс.Месяц назад
Has your partner ever accused you of being in denial about your choices or the impact of your affair? Maybe your mate continues to communicate to you in a way that makes you feel they are in absolute denial about the impact of their choices or that they have hurt you at all? It can seem as though their use of denial is conscious and even weaponized as a form of coping with their choices interna...
Ask The Unfaithful - Episode 18: What are the Consequences of Betrayal for the Unfaithful?
Просмотров 8 тыс.Месяц назад
Often times a betrayed partner will wonder if the unfaithful actually suffers any consequences due to their choice(s) to go outside the marriage. Betrayeds will ask us "Are the unfaithful, actually suffering at all? Do you think they've become aware of what they've done to me, to us, to our family?" Our answer is "We're not sure yet....it depends on the work they're doing and who they are doing...
Ask The Unfaithful SHORTS #1 - Change Your Brain to Change Your Life
Просмотров 962Месяц назад
To truly bring real, long term change in their own lives the Unfaithful must change their actual brains. Our behaviors, and the issues that drive those behaviors, are entrenched in "neural pathways." Neural pathways are the highway system of the brain and we can get locked into one route for self-soothing and escaping - for the Unfaithful, that route is problematic sexual and intimacy behaviors...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 17: What is Parental Enmeshment and How Does it Affect Affair Recovery?
Просмотров 1,3 тыс.2 месяца назад
Have you ever heard of 'Parental Enmeshment?' Adult parental enmeshment is a psychological and relational condition where an adult has an excessively close and dependent relationship with their parent, to the extent that it interferes with their ability to develop a separate and autonomous identity. This 'enmeshment' involves blurred boundaries, where the parent's needs, emotions, and opinions ...
Ask the Unfaithful Episode 16: How Do the Unfaithful Invalidate the Betrayed's Feelings?
Просмотров 3,2 тыс.2 месяца назад
Maybe you've said this before or had it said to you, but it's a common yet problematic statement for couples trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction: "I feel like I'm never heard OR that my feelings are always minimized or just plain invalidated." We unfaithful have this masterful ability to quite often minimize or completely invalidate our partner's feelings, leaving the...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 15: 5 Ways the Unfaithful are Defensive and Reactive
Просмотров 3 тыс.2 месяца назад
Have you ever felt like your partner or spouse was consistently defensive and/or overly reactive every time their actions were called into question? It can feel like having a normal conversation with them is impossible as every time their actions are brought up, their reactions are over the top and somehow they find a way to blame everyone else but themselves. It's maddening as one spouse said ...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 14: Why are the Unfaithful Dishonest with Themselves?
Просмотров 4,2 тыс.2 месяца назад
Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful just isn't getting it? It's like they live in this bubble of self deception, seemingly impenetrable, almost as if it's self soothing mechanism. Eventually a betrayed partner will come to the necessary conclusion that many unfaithful have to be dishonest with themselves to justify their actions. Often times, it takes longer for the unfaithful to come to ...
Ask The Unfaithful Episode 13: 6 Ways the Unfaithful Retraumatize the Betrayed Partner
Просмотров 5 тыс.3 месяца назад
In this week's episode James and Sam discuss 6 ways the unfaithful party continues to retraumatize the betrayed partner both knowingly and unknowingly. We'll also discuss how the unfaithful can become more aware of these mistakes as well as stop them and rework your recovery altogether. Contrary to what some days may feel like, It doesn't always have to be a one step forward, three steps back k...
Episode 12: How Can the Unfaithful Stop Draining the Betrayed's Energy?
Просмотров 1,9 тыс.3 месяца назад
Despite being well into a couple's recovery journey, the Unfaithful can drain the Betrayed's energy in a myriad of ways - from asking the betrayed to affirm, encourage, buoy, support and, in many ways, be responsible for the unfaithful's recovery. This approach ends up draining the Betrayed of most if not all of their energy, resilience and overall life force. It's likely this 'draining' has be...
Episode 11: Why is Perfectionism so Dangerous for the Unfaithful?
Просмотров 1,3 тыс.3 месяца назад
In this episode, Sam and I talk about Perfectionism as it applies in every day life as one of the top reasons for relapse. Where does it come from and why is it so common and dangerous in the life of a recovering Unfaithful? What can the Unfaithful do to change the negative power of this unattainable value that leaves us feeling like we aren't good enough at anything and drives us into anxiety,...
Episode 10 - How does the Unfaithful Make Amends Early on in Recovery
Просмотров 1,3 тыс.3 месяца назад
The Unfaithful can live in such a way that our life is an amends for the damage we've done. Every day, we can say things and do things that continue to trigger and hurt our Betrayed and those need to be handled immediately to reduce the hurt and pain they cause. This is done by making amends. And there is a process for that. While this video is not about how to make amends for the life changing...
Episode 9: What Are the Biggest Red Flags in the Unfaithful's Early Relational Recovery?
Просмотров 2,2 тыс.4 месяца назад
Episode 9: What Are the Biggest Red Flags in the Unfaithful's Early Relational Recovery?
Episode 8: How Can the Unfaithful Begin to Rebuild Trust in Early Recovery
Просмотров 1,9 тыс.4 месяца назад
Episode 8: How Can the Unfaithful Begin to Rebuild Trust in Early Recovery
Episode 7 - Are All Unfaithfuls Intimacy Avoidant?
Просмотров 2,6 тыс.4 месяца назад
Episode 7 - Are All Unfaithfuls Intimacy Avoidant?
Episode 6 - How is the Unfaithful's Progress in Recovery Measured?
Просмотров 1,5 тыс.4 месяца назад
Episode 6 - How is the Unfaithful's Progress in Recovery Measured?
Episode 5: Why is Resentment so Destructive in the Life of the Unfaithful?
Просмотров 2,3 тыс.5 месяцев назад
Episode 5: Why is Resentment so Destructive in the Life of the Unfaithful?
Episode 4: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?
Просмотров 1,5 тыс.5 месяцев назад
Episode 4: Is Relapse a Part of Recovery?
Episode 3: What Does Being "All-In" in Recovery Work After Infidelity Look Like?
Просмотров 2,4 тыс.5 месяцев назад
Episode 3: What Does Being "All-In" in Recovery Work After Infidelity Look Like?
Episode 2: Why Do the Unfaithful Disparage the Betrayed to their Affair Partner?
Просмотров 6 тыс.5 месяцев назад
Episode 2: Why Do the Unfaithful Disparage the Betrayed to their Affair Partner?
Episode 1: Why are the Unfaithful so Angry?
Просмотров 7 тыс.6 месяцев назад
Episode 1: Why are the Unfaithful so Angry?
why don't they divorce instead of cheating and being dishonest?
If his perception of reality is a fantasy and he is blaming me for being controlling. Then is he just being defensive to be allowed to continue to live in his fantasy. Then what can I do to bring him back to reality? Without making him run away.
There are no real consequences. Cheaters are the scum of the earth. They lack basic human decency. As soon as they feel unhappy they just go out and find some superficial band aid to make themselves feel better even if it hurts others. It's like they are either too stupid or brain damaged in spme way. They do not change fundamentally. They will always do it again so long as they think they can get away with it. It's alway about the cheater's needs and wants. As he said he can only be faithful when he focuses on whats in it for him. Not because his actions would harm his partner. Cheaters are fundamentally selfish and they NEVER change.
I am an unfaithful that relapsed with mistress after 3 months of recovery after a 4 year long affair! I reached out to her via phone, txt, and emails. Wife found out from mistress I did so. I am on week 4 of being out through the meat grinder again. The highs and lows of wife being sweet and loving minute to daggers the next or rest of the day are agonizing!!! What’s my best move in these times of hatred and lashing out at me? I have been calm watching you gentlemen, and continuing to see therapist, and owning the entire situation. Is my best course continuing to do the work of recovery, therapy, and continue to show wife through my actions that I will change and am changing for good?
I was wondering where you got to Sam. Your AR videos got me through the hardest time of my life. 6 months on from D-Day 1 of many, and I can see the light, occasionally. Thank you 😊
It's an absolute honor. thank you for the kind words that mean so much. so glad you found the podcast and I hope it's a great gift of encouragement and perspective for you. your message means so much.
Over a year since D day and I am still waiting for accountability from my unfaithful. It's so heart breaking 💔
You had me at pompoms
Great to see Samuel again. Hope all is well. Curious as to what happened at AR that he left? But none of my beeswax. Probably just time to strike out for new opportunities - season of economic seismic shifts and changes upon us and all. Praying for the success of each biz. Grateful for works like this! Sam’s videos were the best, most hard hitting when we were going through it… or I was. So on point with the experience. Grateful for your wisdom and insights, gentlemen!
Thank you! What a great idea for a show!
Looking for external validation that you’re improving….that’s where my unfaithful is stuck. Still stuck on that external validation. And the relapse looks like defensiveness, anger and frustration. He was addicted to his affair partner. He used alcohol, drugs, work and none of it gave him that validation like she did. And he was enmeshed and addicted to her.
Great video. Filled w some great nuggets!
We appreciate these podcasts so much! And you guys are always 🎯!! This is my unfaithful husband 💯, 6 months post Dday, and half-a$$ in his recovery efforts. It’s painful, exhausting and soooo crazy-making!😩
#4 Negotiation My unfaithful husband still uses this 5 yrs into recovery. "From the Beginning" - you cant see what i said from the beginning - you cant see that i tried from the beginning - you wont except what i wrote from the beginning -you never heard what i said from the beginning - you cant see what i offered from the beginning - you cant see that i wasnt ANGRY from the beginning -empathic, working on it, etc.... 10 seconds or 10 mins of work from the beginning constitutes a 14 day tantrum, of anger or silent treatment! I used to cry, never again. Thank you for this education. We the betrayed are not crazy!
OMG I have said these things almost verbatim for almost a year. My husband because of s boundary reached out to Sam in his request for help he stated that I have mental illness issues talk about manipulation. I wish with all my heart he understood that I can no longer be manipulated in this way. Together for 40 years... and he truly believes that I will accept his excuses and not listen to my intuition
Yup it’s sickening
I am so sorry😢
My unfaithful wife reached out to Sam for help also. She completely manipulated the situation. She lied about her best friend encouraging her affair. I actually have the message from the AP, where he was asking my wife who this friend was(after receiving a FB friend request from the friend). So, not only did my wife talk to her about her AP, but told her his name and location, so she could send him a friend request. Totally disgusting that she manipulated people. .
Please send me the information for the intensives that James & Sharon do.
To some degree they maybe aware they are distancing from what is at home. They don’t like parts of the self so dissassociate somehow drugs sex ct.!
Oh yeah.... it ends up feeling degrading. When we as the betrayed say hey I came across this video, ect and they're like ok I'll watch it when I have time.
agreed 100 percent. I'm sorry for that.
As a Betrayed, a lot of the content in this episode didn't resonate with me. Maybe it helps listening Unfaithfuls better. If any other Betrayeds feel different, please comment on that. I may not have been open enough.
Dude, the self awareness and the accountability you expressed, the strength, vulnerability and self acceptance AND self compassion that was delivered by means of tough love, just changed my belief that it is possible for the unfaithful to actually reach a point of authentic understanding of what they have done, and what they have done to others. Thank you so much.
messages like that encourage us so much. I'm so thankful for the comment and taking the time to share those thoughts. Thanks so much.
My husband wants to better himself, is individual counciling alone enough? He says he doesn’t have an addiction, but he’s had an affair twice now in our 20 years of marriage. One in the beginning and then recently. He’s also flirted and texted other woman throughout our marriage. He says he developing a more mature mindset. I just feel like he should be doing more than just individual counseling. We did 10 sessions of marriage counciling but I think we did it too soon because he was still lying and in contact with his AP over the phone during that time. He claims that’s when he was having a hard time letting the AP go but he no longer feels the lust for her that he once did and that it was a process he had to go through.
I'm terribly sorry. That's incredibly wounding to you. I think coaching is a good start, but it has to be something that sticks and is consistent. Without consistency and hard work, he's not going to find much healing, self awareness or even be able to develop a relapse prevention plan.
I would love these videos get to more people that need to hear them. I think the titles could be better, as I think those particular people who don't adintify, because of denial, withe the title of "unfaithful" ♥ 🙏
Thanks for sharing. Doing our very best.
I'm so deeply touched by this. I've seen both sides of this and I'm filled with compassion and understanding for myself and my ex boyfriend. I'm so glad I found you, your work is incredible! Thank you so much 👏❤
Means so much to read messages like that. Thank you for taking the time to encourage us.
At what age do people stop having affairs
tough to say.....every situation is so different and so unique that it's a tough answer my friend.
Never!
My unfaithful is 50 years old. A grandfather. He's a disgusting old man to me right now.
@@MichelleNixon-mi9nb why do stay with him?? For his money?
@@Gotoworkkk No. I think I'm trauma bonded.
Did you k ow Ledzeplin has been reincarnated...check out Greta Vanfleet ❤
Thanks for the roadmap. It’s a really helpful. Keeps hope afloat.
We're so glad. Thank you for commenting.
God bless you sir. I pray, once my prodigal is restored, he will also reach back and help the lost. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
I wanted intimacy but he gave it to someone else. Now I try to avoid it with him. I don’t have much left for him after knowing how long he played his emotional affair game. 40 years down the drain for 9 years of a game at church. She played it with any married men who were weak and selfish. Sad but he turned me completely off playing this game for so long. We’re together because we have no where else to go. She was a joke, he’s just too much of an idiot to have figured that out early on. Blind as a bat, now ruined our marriage. He wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend all is well. Is that enough avoidance for you? I’ve never received one bit of sympathy for being broken. He’s tired of my drama and you need to get over it, are his two favorite terms of endearment for me.
I understand I’m sorry you feel that way. What if I change it to I’m sorry I made you feel that way? I’m sorry I keep making you feel this way?
meh....watch the video again and use those examples and that insight as it can be more heartfelt and kind, respectively of course.
As a betrayed, I've been listening to all these things for years now. The more I learn the more impossible it seems that my spouse will ever heal. He has 5 or 6 diagnosis. I want to hope but it will be 6 yrs in Aug and he still claims there's nothing wrong and just keeps woman hoping. Which is now showing up in our 13 yr old. 😢
They don't care. It's called hypergamy. Justified in their minds.
What does it take for an unfaithful/actor to seek help
When they finally realize the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.
This is great! Thanks brother Sam!
My pleasure. Thanks for commenting.
When I try to talk about it with him, He lays back on the couch with his eyes shut while I’m talking to him. Says “are you done yet? “ And that is all he does and says. What is that about?
Sadly, that's about him being in control and deciding what healing looks like. It's painful to read that you are being subjected to that type of treatment.
Work at being an independent girl. 🙏
so heartening you guys!! really get it
Means a ton to read that. Thank you so much.
The time limit on conversions are used by my unfaithful wife to filibuster. She would deflect for 25 of the 30 minutes then insist we’re out of time. I have now stop the timer until she answered my original question. If she takes 10 minutes to answer (yes she has actually taken over 10 minutes to answer) that 10 minutes is added to the end. She also demands that I answer her questions before she answers mine. I ask her a question and I literally get 15 minutes of her questioning me about the question I asked her…
That’s a really creative strategy to problem solve that issue- thank you for sharing!
The unfaithful partner, can handle their emotions just fine, if they can take anger, shame, and turn it in to justifications to become entitled, then they can handle the betrayeds feelings. If they felt entitled enough to give themselves permission to cheat, which required the ability to make their partner the bad guy, then it’s an issue of what they have trained their subconscious mind to believe about their partner. So just like with being able to justify their actions and give them selves permission to cheat by making the partner the bad guy. any interaction with their partner will set off the neurological path ways that they have spent tons of time strengthening. If the betrayed does or says anything that triggers any negative emotions, then off it goes following the same path ways, with the same thoughts, justifications, and entitlement. Only instead of suppressing any physical reaction, that is then released while cheating, it’s now directed outwardly towards their betrayed partner. They dismiss, and diminish the betrayeds emotions because they are still acting out their self assigned entitlement over their partner.
Shockingly insightful, nothing even close to this on all of yt. This is a great body of work you have here, ty ❤
Listening to you two brings tears to my eyes, while offering hope at the same moment. Your thoughts, words and personal growth are in abundance
Brilliant points. As the betrayed, looking for better understanding, this video, well all of your videos, have shown that there's a path forward.
I love the honesty of these two men! They tell it like it is from experience! If you have been the victim of betrayal takes notes from what they telling you! We always ask the question why! How in the world could he have been so deceptive and manipulating? How is it that I saw a few signs but just didn’t want to believe them until the betrayal became a reality!!! Absolutely shocking to the core!
I'm the betrayed spouse listening to this..I am desperate to not just throw in the towel on our marriage. Denial, being a victim, justifying, villainizing..etc. If hes doing these things, what does that mean for my marriage? Should I walk?
See this in our marriage with my husband's family. But also now looks like we have repeated some of the crap with our kids. What does a healthy relationship between adults and parents look like? What does a healthy teen/parent relationship look like? What does a deep family relationship look like?
“Is it always going to be like this”? My response was-you had 9!years I know of, to play your texting games with her, I get at least that long. But you can leave anytime you want. I already figure you left part of me during this time so if you want to play games with someone else fine, you’re free to go. Did he leave? No, he (his personality is not leaving security). Do I want him to stay, doesn’t matter. I’ve become stronger these last few years and am prepared if he stays to try and make it better or deal with myself alone in my house. I realized that if I was single, met him, liked him and then found out he did to his wife, what he has done to me, I would run the other way. Now What do I do with that kind of feeling?
Not being able to verbalize the "why" wasn't quite so affecting to me because the surface explanations seemed like excuses or an attempt to minimize the issue It personally felt so scary to me because, as I'm always saying to him, you can't hope to ever solve a problem if you don't even know what your problem is! What are you working on, what are you trying to fix and heal if you don't even know what needs to be healed?? And if you aren't healing the wounded parts causing you to make harmful decisions, you're going to keep making them!
Interestingly the expectation of validation, often not realised is also not reciprocated to the betrayed. Where is the validation for all that we do? I can self validate, just to be clear. It’s just baffling to me, I love validating people. It’s such a positive thing that so many do need. Yet there is that healthy line, right? But the unaware expectation to have it yet no awareness to them not giving it 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, exactly. That pathetic “me, me, me, poor me” between his sentences just makes me terribly upset. At the same time, there are subliminal insinuations that I don't have enough help. Well, that's actually true, because in our country - apart from normal psychotherapy - there is no help for people in my situation, in contrast to people with his problem. I have to fight through this alone, and I'm doing it as best I can! Nevertheless, I no longer let him verbally entice me. I held his cowardly hand long enough and neglected myself in the process.
How about are you ever going to let it go?. Is it going to be like this for 3 more years 5 more years. That was the past.
“That’s in the past” I hear that every time BUT it was the PRESENT babe when you were doing this to me, humiliating me to this person every time you text them. It was the PRESENT when I found out. It is the PRESENT now when my heart is broken.
It takes too long. I can’t wait for him to come out of this selfishness and thoughtlessness. I am giving him a trophy for the Greatest Stonewaller in History. He forgets how to talk when we try to work through this and discuss it. I have watched all of Sam’s other videos and they’ve been good, I learned so much, but when after 2.5 years you can’t get the offender to help themselves there is no hope left in me for him. It’s day to day survival to just keep moving on with life, whatever that looks like for that day.
I love you Sam! I love how you word things. Forgive me if I’m not going to get the pom-poms out for you😂😂😂🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 that’s the one. Been handed to the wood chipper of life. 100%
Another informative episode! Thank you Sam and James.
Thank you again, very helpful information for both unfaithful and betrayed. Could you one day do a video focussing on helping us help our children who discover their parents infidelity? Our son at 12 saw photos of his dad on porn site chat rooms and his involvement in sexually explicit talk on chat rooms, he is now 20, and is not talking to his dad. He refuses to go to counselling. We all live together in the same house and as his mother, it breaks my heart that my son has been exposed to these destructive choices my husband made. My son doesn’t want to talk about it.
My son also discovered the same thing with ny husband and they are not taking either. My son is 26 years old and thinks cheating is the worse thing you can do to a partner