I have found over time that a noticeable amount of my sayings and mannerisms have come from the people I hang around and stay with me even after I’m not around them as much.
This is very relatable, and as I think about it, I feel like my personality will become a ship of theseus, where over time of me getting influenced and doing these same mannerisms as the people and friends I was with and is still with. I'll ponder if I'm still me, if my personality is still the original me.
That is mirroring and it is ok, but don't overdo it. It's on a verge of losing your identity. No one likes chameleons in human world. You need to be you first. Little mirroring for better social connection is actually helpful. :)
Your true identity is the being who decides which personality traits to "steal" (learn from and grow into). Your true personality is how you respond to circumstances in actuality: the traits underneath the personality traits you've used to adorn your exterior.
This. Trying to grow up in a vacuum with no influence, or trying to find some sort of "authentic" self apart from everyone else seems like the wrong way to go about it.
I used to be oversensitive. What really helped me was watching Star Trek Voyager and my idol was Tuvok. Calm, stoic, logical. I learned how to control my anger and it helped me immensely. I didn't stop being sensitive, though. But learning from a fictional character how to deal with anger was therapeutic.
I love this example. It really shows the truth behind "you can't change what happens to you, only how you react to that stimulus" and by owning and controlling your reactions (or possibly waiting for a safe time and space to let the reactiveness out), you will be a good role model for others as well.
Personally I learned a ton through Terry Prattchets Discworld novel. The guard books especially, had an amazing way to parody and explain how absurdly the world sometimes works. Star Trek TNG was awesome as well for me: Just showing how to solve problems by being reasonable.
@@termitreter6545 TNG is great. It's quite philosophical but man it does a good job without moralising, it just makes you think. And Discworld is awesome - Pratchett was a genius and each of his books is a delight to read.
This is like ep 26 of Evangelion when Shinji creates a world where only he exists, so he starts feeling like he is nothing because he has nothing to contrast himself to. And then the other characters tell him that it's because the way that we find our sense of self is by interacting with others. I know some think Eva has a lot of pseudoscientific Freudian bs but that scene really connected with me tbf. It's natural to be influenced by the personalities in your environment (even fictional ones) and we all do it even if it's subconscious
I recently met a person I was absolutely captivated and fascinated by. They had such an outgoing, nice and warm way of talking and expressing themselves with a beautiful voice and face that I felt something I never did before and still cant express that emotion. All I know is that I'd love to be as kind, open minded and confident in my own abilites as them too, surreal experience.
I love this and totally agree. During high school I would pick up on people’s personality traits around me and “try them on for size”, sometimes it ended with me embarrassing myself, sometimes it felt good and stuck. It’s literally the only way I feel like I can adapt to the outside world, I need to see examples of interactions or emotions. Realizing this gave me an intense feeling of imposter syndrome many years back until I realized I can identify with being good at studying/copying behaviors as well as lots of other things. Now I make art and don’t question myself when I get inspired by things from artists I look up to and use them within my own work.
This is so true, no wonder every time I ask the cool people I know identity related questions like "Are you a gamer?" they always hesitate or even embarrassed to answer, because identity is cringe, and as cool people they know that intuitively, I should stop asking those questions.
Asking if someone is a gamer is a weird question. Idk if you ask it explicitly like that but jsut ask if they play video games. A lot of people play video games but don’t call themselves a “gamer” as it’s label instead of just a hobby people sometimes participate in
Thing is, identities such as these are inherently limiting. To identify as a gamer is, to an extent, simplify yourself into just being one. Hence, why asking someone if they're "something" is uncomfortable and most always is met with hesitation. Yada, yada, acting truthfully to oneself, blah blah social masks, yap yap, careful not to forget that you are more than you dare or are able to present yourself as, you get the point.
The term gamer is for people who are comfortable with, on the face of things, being reduced to a single character trait (even if that's not the only thing they're about). People can be multiple things, even if we start applying labels to them, so I'm not against using labels like that personally. Having an identity is not cringe. It's just that people aren't always comfortable with using a label for themselves even if it could technically apply, or if they know they'll get criticism for applying it when it's not precisely true. Asking someone, "Are you a mother?" doesn't mean you're asking if they're a 1-dimensional character whose existence is solely about being a mother. But it does get awkward if they gave birth but didn't raise the child. The definition of what a "mother" is and what a "gamer" is don't necessarily match the context of the question. A "mom" who never raised her child, a "gamer" who never actually gamed (in the sense of competing intensely and developing tactics to overcome challenges), neither would necessarily be comfortable applying such labels to themselves. But more neutral questions would allow for some easier answers. "Do you play games?" "I do (casually)." "Are you raising any kids?" "No (since they're being raised by someone else)."
- [00:16] 🧠 Personality is how you interpret information, your internal reaction, and your actions. - [01:00] 🎭 Personality is who you are, while identity is who you think you are. - [03:47] 🔄 Adopting personality traits involves understanding and integrating them into your life without confusing them with your identity. - [05:26] 🚫 Identifying with personality traits as your identity can lead to cringe-worthy behavior. - [07:28] 🤔 Comparing yourself to others and adopting certain behaviors is natural, but be wary of making them part of your identity.
I saw Steve Jobs do a quick eyebrow raise during an interview to break the awkwardness while fixing technical issues. I have since adopted this into my personality. I identify as an eyebrow raiser American. Haha
While making eye contact with someone? While someome is waiting for you as you perform a task? While you and another are waiting on a 3rd party? While entertaining yourself? Please tell me the eyebrow raise context i would like to try.
I suppose one other aspect of this would be that trying to imitate a personality/behavior without understanding the underlying attitude that leads to the personality/behavior would be inauthentic, and people tend to notice. Especially if you're trying to adapt traits of someone in your social circle, and people notice you're "copying" them. That can be a blow to your social reputation, I would think.
Omg my (narcissistic) brother said this to me completely unironically 🤦🏾♀️😅 I asked him if he ever thought he had too much pride and he said “I’m genuinely the most humble person you will ever meet, in your LIFE.” 😂😂😂😂
Sharing time: this video reminds me of how during therapy, when I felt and (applying words from that video) identified as downright pathetic, my therapist knowing I was raised by my dad who often referred to Star Wars characters asked me to do a thought experiment, it went something like this: - imagine for a moment that Obi-Wan Kenobi was looking at you right now. Would he tell you to your face, that you're pathetic? - no, never, he wouldn't. - SO WHY DO YOU DO THAT? This may sound stupid as hell, but that absolutely blew my mind and helped me immensely at that time. Another example of what Doc K says here about adopting personae, that hits home for me: when I was joining a completely new work environment - I felt completely overwhelmed and thought that I won't make it there. However, I quickly managed to find my "sensei". I picked a person in the company, from a different team, who was really proficient in our field and decided that I'd try to do exactly what he did. Learned the stuff he learned when he was starting, grinded the same path he grinded and picked up some of his traits (my favorite one was his saying: "I don't know the answer to your question... but I'll find it or the person who knows in the company.") and in a year everyone around me was considering me as a legit AF pro... well, now I'm struggling with impostor syndrome, but hey! At least I made some progress over the years.
If what you did worked and made you happy, you're someone who can make good decisions -- even if they embarrass you a little. And I only think so because you admitted to your struggle. Someone who does that can grow. If you feel like an imposter now, you don't have to forever.
You upgraded from Self-criticism to Imposter syndrome, now that's progress, not in a sarcastic way at all like I've gone through the same thing and gets better from here!
I want to make sure I am understanding things accurately. Personality is how you process and respond to stimulus. Identity is the "I am ..." statements you make to yourself and others.
Yes. Personality is just the way you are, naturally. Shaped by your previous experiences. You don't need to understand it, to be it. And it can change over time. Identity is how you think about yourself. Which often also leads to deciding how to act based on that identity, instead of just being yourself. So essentially: thinking anything about yourself is cringe. Just be who you are in every moment (not easy).
@@FANNIX- I initially was hesitant about the "just be yourself" perspective. I wasn't satisfied with a view that doesn't leave room for improvement. But after some thought I landed on: "I am" == cringe, "I want to be" == aspirational. Example: "I am humble" vs "I want to be humble". Second sounds better to me.
@@dustinphillips605 Oh so you thaught "just be who you are" left no room for improvement? Interesting, how so? I feel like it is the ultimate foundation for real improvement. Because it stops comparing yourself to others and it stops thinking about what you "should" be able to do. Instead it let's you focus on the moment. Ohhh, because you thought that who you are won't change? I always saw it more like "Just be who you are in this moment". This makes it more clear that your abilities can change over time. The best you can do in any given moment is to be who you are in that moment. You will naturally function to the best of your abilities in this moment. Which includes learning new things that you can't do, as quick as possible for the current you. "I want to be" also sounds perfect! Another way of thinking about yourself in a given moment is "I try to do my best to be kind". Because that can be true and is not cringe 🌱
Dr I need a simple detailed vid on how to actually comeback‽ Comeback with that old authentic confidence we used to have at some point especially our childhood or before we became insecure about smth for any reason... I feel we were the most authentic ourselves and attractive too at that point of life!!!
Is it cringe to say other people think I’m hot? 😂😂. I mean it could go to my head but hasn’t. I love to hear it! 😂😂. I just want to make it hotter for the guy the ! 😂😂. I always loved the Penny’s of the world! We exist except much smarter and classy. 😂😂
Thanks Dr. K! For me I think the healthy personality adaptation that you explained is inner-focused and the way you explained identity shows how it limits. What I mean is, for me, I think to know that I'm engaging personalities and not identity is when I am more inner-focused.
I think Dr k makes a pretty good point with this.. it's one thing to let's say have a favorite anime character like Vegeta or something and try to hone in on some of the positive traits on certain personalities. Having a different personality in different can lead to a different world and opportunities. But if somebody besides that let's say because they have depression doesn't mean that that becomes who they are. "I'm depressed" isn't a personality but a state of mind.
I think its totally fine. The things I take from friends (usually subconsciously) are almost always humor related things like how I do a joke/mocking voice. As long as you can be yourself around people as well which you still can even if you absorb mannerisms
You cannot steal personality traits, you can merely fake them, or put on an act. Changing your personality is quite hard and needs to happen gradually over time. It seems that these examples, looking at the big five, or ocean model mostly touch on neuroticism, and personality is much broader than that.
I think mindfully adopting an identity is a good tool for crafting yourself into who you want to be. If you want to adopt the personality traits of "a tidy person," just do what you think people who identify as "tidy people" would do (though now that I've written the phrase "people who identify as tidy people," which is obviously no one, ever, I realize that identity is definitely something imposed from the outside, enviously looking in). So long as you remain aware of the fact that identity is impermanent, you can basically use it like training wheels so long as you don't start believing your own bullshit and stereotypes.
Emulating someone you admire isn't cringe, it's when you start telling everyone you're a kind person now that's cringe. Practice kindness, don't advertise it.
this literally explains the difference between guys who are nice and "nice guys" there's nothing wrong with having a nice personality, but identifying as nice is self destructive
I can't believe I found this video, because just recently I find myself adopting certain traits from my closest friend who is selfless, kind, charming and cute. I've been questioning myself if it is okay to adopt those traits and I'm glad it is. I'm also learning new things because those new traits give me new perspective in so many things. And as new experiences come in, I further develop the traits I adopted and develop entirely new personality. In short, I feel like I'm growing as a person.
Alden from Super Supportive is one of the most genuinely heroic people I’ve ever read about. He’s kind and considerate to everyone. He listens and tries to help where he can but also knows when he’s out of his depth and when others are better equipped for the situation. He feels fear but when push comes to shove he steps up. He works hard at what he’s passionate about. He sacrifices himself when he needs to but also knows that he needs to care for himself. He is one of the most human characters and I do want to be like him.
0:55 Confounding! New smart-person word up for grabs! 1:05 Note; personality is who you are, identity is who you think you are. 1:07 Fine to craft yourself into who you are, but do not confound it with identity. 2:15 Ah I see! So you got a bad personality if you do stuff like going up to a bear because you think of the TikTok... and how you act, is your personality... Just thinking, what if you find your personality generic like me? Well, that's the wrong way to go about things, that's for certain. 5:36 TRUE! And that's what I do... I'm like "Look at me! I'm not X! Yeah, you can't cancel me! Cause I'm literally not! I'm stating it out loud so that you know! And so that you can't hurt me! HAh! Look, I'm even typing it out for you! Hah my "personality" is so self-aware cause I speak outloud all my thoughts! I'm so genuine cause of that too!!! HAHAHA-". The irony being that, the more I hold people away from figuring out who I REALLY AM via verbally explaining my "personality" and/or hiding away from it via misunderstanding it in an effort to understand it outloud(cause I might say something wrong!!! So I gotta be super perfect in order to explain it all outloud...), the more potential energy there is for me getting hurt more personally and physically when I hold myself to those standards of "having to state ones "personality" outloud to prove it, rather than do any fun activities and all that memorable stuff - which I neglect cause I just don't want to do that nor do I actually want to dedicate myself to a/that friendship with them cause that forces me to do those things... to compromise on my personality in ways I'm not willing to... but then of course I'm too anxious + self-doubting + low on self-esteem to recognize this in the moment"... DAMN! 7:47 Absolutely! How we interpret information and act on it. God if we made our personality our identity we'd just be stating it out in the open all the time like a narcissist... 9:06 TRUE.
I do think that adopting an identity can help in some aspects, though, especially if it's the only way to trick your brain into identity-appropriate behaviors you are trying to adopt. Like the James Clear example of someone who's trying to quit smoking and how it's more successful to say, "I'm not a smoker" than it is to say, "I'm trying not to smoke."
I haven't watched the video yet and I can already tell you he's right. That first 10 seconds is what the younger me learned and did religiously so I be and stay accepted around the group of friends at the time who were cringe and toxic however they were "gamers" and all I had. I've been healing from this and Its so much better when you don't do this. A moment every once in a while can still be fun tho lol
I didnt even watch the video yet i know that we are an amalgamation of things we observe from others, we experiment traits, we get mannerism from people all the time, and eventually we decide the ones that we think it suits better, i had that sentiment before.
Now, what's the difference between having a healthy self-image which includes (as I understand) the identity part. and the sense of identity you are talking about?
The thing about identity that could also be problematic is when you lock yourself into a certain mindset. "Yea, I'm this" and so you would more or less carry on with it becoming part of your personnality, while you could have become someone else just not assuming you are [identity]. However, if you *want* to change certain traits of your personnality, working on identity could become a hugely useful tool... [I have no actual psychological expertise, don't take my word as is. It just seems coherent to me after giving it the minimal required amount of thought]
So basically you just need to become those positive personality traits instead of identifying with/as them. instead of telling people that you are something, just be that something. For example confident people don't need to tell everyone else how confident they are.
this is pretty good, thank you! I used to adopt some characteristics some time ago that I saw in other groups of people that I liked and I wished to be like them. I did it as an identity and not personality, unfortunately. I find it hard to find my way back.
I recenty had the experience of rediscovering the adventurer in me. My gf has been traveling the world for 16 Years and i am a bit jalous but thats okay. From that feeling i realised that i was missing the part of me that was open for adventures. Now i am slowly trying to get into that aspect if my selfe more and explore what it is that i want to do.
It’s not equating personality with identity that’s cringe, it’s ego and thinking you’re special, because it’s clear that you have no idea how you’re coming off (which is cringe). That’s why it’s cringe to brag about how humble you are. It’s not actually cringe to say how depressed you are and to think you can’t get better unless there’s an attitude of “my circumstances are so different from everyone else that’s why I can’t get better” which a lot of times there is that, which is just a form of thinking you’re special. It’s not cringe if you believe that some amount of depression is unbeatable, like if you think some people have a chemical imbalance or that some people spiritually can’t see the purpose of existence, etc. bc then it’s not about feeling special. Had to say that bc Dr. K has been kind of shaming depressed people lately
idk if people tell me theyre special i dont see it as cocky or pretentious, i just see it as normal. Everyone's different, so in some way, everyone's special. It's not an inherently good trait, just means you basically exist. (Even when those people try so hard to "be" someone they're not and copy as many traits as they can they're still gonna be different)
@@ArbitraryCodeExecution I don’t mean special in the sense of thinking you’re unique, I more meant in the sense of thinking you’re better than others and there’s something about you that almost no one can relate to. Maybe a poor choice of wording.
You are not disagreeing with Dr. K. Being depressed and talking about what you believe and how you feel is not cringe. That's your genuin feelings and it's part of being depressed. But saying "I am a depressed person, that is who I am.": that's cringe. For example if someone tries to get to know you. Being (!) depressed and thinking of yourself as a depressed person are two very different things. The latter one is cringe.
@@FANNIX- I don’t think it’s cringe to think of yourself as a depressed person if you’ve been depressed for a long time. Maybe it’s not helpful and it is probably a cognitive distortion, but I think Dr. K isn’t really correct in why something is cringe. It’s cringe if you’re annoying, not self-aware, and ignore social norms, etc. So if you introduce yourself as “Hi I’m Jessica, I’m depressed” that’s cringe bc you’re burdening someone you just met with sad information. But telling your close friends that you feel like being depressed is just a facet of who you are isn’t cringe. It’s sad, not cringe
@@jessicam3707 Yes I totally agree with you. I feel like you don't quite understood the nuance yet. Telling your friends that you feel depressed is not cringe. You are feeling (!) depressed and expressing that. This is natural, if you are depressed. And as you said: if you have been depressed for a while, it is also natural to notice (!) that you are being depressed. But that is still not identifying with it. Identity is when you ask yourself "who am I? What makes me me?". If you ask yourself this question and your answer is "I am a depressed person": that (!) is cringe. Do you understand? :) It is the difference between "I like to play games" and "I am a gamer".
Recap, for homework purposes: -adopting personality traits is okay -don't let your identity make you conceited -identify with traits or experiences, don't identify with a noun (I like gaming > I'm a GAMER)
AHA I KNEW IT!!! I haven't played video games in years because I got a bad vibe from them, almost felt like they were a "supranormal stimulus" tricking my brain making into think I had accomplished something when I really hadn't. I occasionally indulge a game of Homeworld: Remastered simply as brain exercise because its like 3d chess with space ships, but that's about it, and I spend most of my time either earning money, in the gym or learning something new, even though ppl give me the "stink eye" when I say this. *Thanks Dr.K for confirming my suspicion*
For those who strunggle with the humility/charismatic/intelegent/... this problem,for me personally i think, is stemmed from the expiriences they get along whenever you instinctedlly interact with people. This, also with other traits, will always have an ego, and that ego will continue to grow if you let it be, and it will eventually become"cringe". You can control and balance it, no one is perfect, although through personal expirience, this would cause a bit of trouble if you have large social circle.
I guess I understood the difference, I wanted to take an trait I considered a lot sweet from Max that's the main character of Life is Strange, and I wanted to be understanding of everyone's feelings around me, and it became conflicting when I wanted to make this my identity, who I was, and of course, it was unhealthy because we are we, right? We're not a fictional character or something, so it was important to finally understand that, thx Doc
hi dr. k i don’t know if anyone reads the comments on this channel but i wanted to understand: what is a healthy way to interact with the identity? surely if you repeat a behavior enough (because of your personality) you would start to understand that you tend to behave that way. so wouldn’t that mean the trait has crossed over into your identity?
0:15 We often include good personality traits on children's TV. In the hope our children will try to be more like them. I just see this as learning and experimentation :D
"if you are depressed fine you deserve compassion but if you are too depressed than you are cringe" Wtf since when depression is a personality or identity trait?
I think He means when you act out of depression it's fine or to say I have depression for means its period time, but when you say I am depressed u making it your identity and that's what tricks your brain to stay in that depression
@@KiritoDota2 it's like saying "it's ok if you have a flue but if you dare to sneeze you are a peace or s" depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, it's not about willpower or any kind if shit.
My personality changes every time i meet a new person. idk how to stop it, im normal with my family. its probably bc im not confident in my own personality, if i pretend to be someone else and they dont like me i cant take it to heart.
Protip: in the screenshot at 0:20, the word is spelled “Analysing” (UK) or “Analyzing” (US), not “Analising”. That would be a completely different discussion. 😅
In this context, I kind of wonder whether it is really possible to "steal" a personality trait. You said it relates directly to our interpretation of the trait itself and/or the consequences of having it. But this leads to a problem related to a false association due to correlation of the events, i.e., since I'm inspired by a certain person's actions or thoughts on a certain matter, I may end up convincing myself of the presence of a certain trait in them, and then proceed to try and become like that myself, with the result being, well, not as intended. Would you say that it's significant whether or not the process of determining the trait I want to learn from is flawed? I understand you can reach truths through flawed analysis, however, the possibility of not being able to support the claim kind of scares me, if I were to be in a position where I have to take a decision, such as learning about that one trait that may as well be a projection. Thanks for the talk, this one reminded me of many people and the way they speak about others. Keep up the good work, it's really helpful.
focus on just becoming aware of it, and point it out to yourself, the more you point it out, generally the better. when you were aware of it while writing the comment is a great first step. when you are non-judgmentally aware of a thing you do that you don't like, your brain will automatically reduce it. this is why therapy is mostly about unpacking things and exploring, because you don't have to rely on will power or discipline, the brain will just do it for you. it can take a while but likely the least amount of time out of other alternatives
@@misohoney1660 Maybe you dislike the character but you like a trait that you would have as Ganondorf. Smother small pestilence, power, a funny face with a long nose, idk But there has to be some thing which is not the thing. You know?
@@misohoney1660 I think if you reflect on it enough, you will find out why, but it could take a very long time I think it's worth exploring also why do you want to know that, let's assume you just find out right now, what happens next?
Its fucked up how I can be 33 years old and feel like I'm still 15. Because thats how I come off and people my age or older talk to me like they are scolding thier child for not doing something the way they would do it.. my way may be different but not stupid.. whats stupid is that "your way" is the best or only way...
So, personality is what you are, and identity is like what you perceive yourself to be. Identifying as a nice person or a depressed person or a gamer, that’s all cringe. What are you supposed to identify as?
I had a friend that I met and he would start acting like me as we hung out more and more, he started to use my joke and started to steal my past trauma, and how I bought a ring to propose to my ex but thing went south and went as far as telling others in front of me that he was doing that to his ex. From their he used that to be more center of attention. I got bitter perhaps even jealous because I can never do that to him. But as a homie I still did a lot of favor for him. even helped him find his girl who he's married to now. Then I started to lose my mental health he was right there to make sure I was buried. I saw it coming a mile away but I thought that maybe since I've been there for him, helped his career, helped his trauma, helped him become someone better. I got stabbed and buried instead.
@FlyingMonkies325 He did. When i was at my lowest he went in for the kill and lynched me in front of my whole friend group. I remember now. The mfker was talking to my ex too the one I was gonna buy a ring for and marry. I knew and I saw everything happening I chose to believe in innocent. Not only that, my new gf started to act funny when I wasn't hanging out with our friend group one night. My new gf and I later started to get into argument but she would say stupid comment on how my best friend at the time is better than me. Dog eat dog world. He played me like a violin. Used me as status. when I lost everything, my career, my health, my mental, my gf he went in to make sure I was never gonna get up again. Also he's very calculative and patient if you read the 48 laws of power you;ll know what I'm talking, I unfortunately helped him leveled up beyond anything. I fken regretted it. One of my pet peeve was I always want to help people level up. I have never regretted my motto ever in my life until him. When i think about it. I first met him long long ago. He was kinda of wack didn't know how to be center yet. Infact his past gf really liked me when he was trying to get with her, but I was dating her cousin at the time. Since then he always saw that he would out do me but couldn't . It didn't hit me until now. I thought it was in the past but I guess people still be plotting and getting revenge. Now I am healthier. I haven't talked to anyone in 2 years. I enjoy being by myself.... shit, learning to do things for myself is still really hard. But also learning that I as a man had needs that were never met and did have really bad tendencies to meet bad people. No more spending 600$ at the clubs with mkers who are just lined up for drink and use you for what you got. No more drinking every day. No more partying til 4 AM going to work 6AM to train some dumbass people who don't want to be there. I hit rock bottom and I'm learning to build again. Final thought: this world rarely do things out of goodness and when you do you;'ll learn the hard way and get used up and become wiser or more bitter you choose. Even being innocent naive have their tricks up their sleeves, think of kids when they act cute or when they cry. They're seeking something. I learned and got burned really bad. When someone is nice now I look and go what's your angle? I wanted a brother, because I could never had that kind of relationship with my blood family and that was what I desire for so long. That was my angle. Because of that angle I was blind to what was happening.
Hi doctor k im a really big fan of your channel ive learned so much from your videos and it has helped me so much. I wanted to ask maybe in the future if you could talk about atypical depression simce ive been diagnosed with it please
I don't understand. To improve my life I need to become more aware of my perceptions and reactions. But once I am aware it ceases to be a personality and becomes an identity? Also identities are bad? Or "cringe"? I feel very lost here.
I understand it like this: If you start to identify as something you base your actions on this identity; you create an action to support the identity you set up for yourself. And then there is the reverse where you have picked up personality traits that support/influence the actions you do but you dont define yourself as it; its something that happens unconsciously most of the time.
I watched a ton of X-Files as a kid/teen and saw how people were scripted to react to Mulder and his radical beliefs in really weird shit, vs how much more respected Scully was for her skepticism (as well as how much more seriously people took things when she was like "no, there is definitely something going on here"). I leaned into developing strong critical thinking, taught myself to avoid impulse reactions to things with no evidence, and fostered a genuinely curious spirit that has served me exceptionally well as a scientist myself these days. Absolutely no regrets in wanting to have those traits from a fictional character, especially given my parents were both white bread in terms of personality and just did whatever Fox News told them to. The best thing I got from them was a completely opposite personality. If I didn't look so damn much like my father I'd swear I was adopted.
People are dumb founded when identical twins see the world with different perceptions, from each other. I knew someone who took from everyone she met, what broke the relationship (with me) was the gossip about everyone as well.
4:39 The exact same thing is happening to me She said she cannot date anyone because she promised her parents. But then ends but dating my friend And Kissing him right in front of me. For a long time I've been ignoring and trying to cope with my feelings, but now, after 2 months I've grown all resentful for how unfair life is and everything. Some of those thoughts are really biased but i still, consciously, am thinking about them and really trying to feel that grudge...often times I find myself holding back tears or my head starts to hurt really bad :)
Great video and explanation, especially the cringe part :D The only thing is that i got confused about identity. What is or should be one's identity then? 😅
i used to create a ‘persona’ and live as that persona the way i would speak, clothing aesthetic how extraverted or not, music, interests, opinions, people would say to me, “just be yourself!” i thought “yourself” meant these things i had picked out, what i consciously chose but what they really meant was “act like nothing”
I am so sorry if I misunderstood but, this seems as if identity itself is a bad thing, we need to identify with something right? Can you please give +ve examples of identity which is good. Because the solution can't be to just have personitly and no identity, right? Please correct my understanding if I have misunderstood or missed anything
@@FANNIX-according to the video, identity is how you perceive yourself. You can’t just not perceive or think about yourself. That’s called a complete lack of self-awareness. I believe Dr K didn’t fully flesh out his take on identity here. It isn’t something you can just ignore or dump on the side of the road.
No according to the video, identity is what we think we are. Not what we actually are. It is not about awareness or perception. Identity is "I am a gamer". Or "I am german". Or "I am an anime fan". You can perceive that you live in germany and like to play games without identifying and thinking of yourself as a gamer or a german. @@samsprague3158
Why do you call things 'cringe' rather than reasoning what's wrong with them? I don't cringe when someone identifies with a personality trait, as long as they're sincere and feel good about that trait. It sounds like what you're saying is "It makes me cringe, therefore it's cringe and if you don't feel the same way you're wrong." Painting your personal negative feelings as if they're objective observations is bullying. Cringing at people feeling good about themselves and thinking of themselves in good ways like 'charismatic' or 'humble' is jealousy.
He's describing a common view and explaining the difference between personality and identity. There are demonstrable differences in what constitutes an identity and personality. The reason I see it is actually bad is because if you take pride in a certain personality trait and labelling it as an identity marker, you are pretty much telling other people it's none of their business to question it. Generally it's not other people's job to question your identity, but it is very much their job to question/confirm/answer to your personality traits. When someone says "I am depressed" it comes off as something they see as a definitive marker of them as a person. The reason that's cringe is you close off all doors to work for a better life if you identify with the problem rather than seeing it as a disturbance/temporary state. Likewise identifying with something positive can be cringe because it can make you come off as cocky or nonchalant. Instead of "Why do you act like this? I think it's better to do this." you say "Why do you act like this? I am a humble person, therefore I would do this instead." Do you hear which one is the more obnoxious one?
@@davidekdal7190 When in the video did he actually explain the difference between personality and identity? Anyway, your arguments beg the question of whether people think their identity is fixed. The common sense view is not everyone feels that way, whereas some feel their "personality traits" are fixed. But, if someone does feel e.g. their depression is fixed, by what law are they wrong, and by what law are we not allowed to question it? I didn't sign any job description which precludes me from questioning people's potential self-delusions. Besides, this guy was a Buddhist monk and frequently promotes Buddhist ideas, and Buddhists don't even believe in a fixed self. After all, what aspects of us really are fixed? Well if you just say it's cringe to have an identity full stop, you don't get to cherry-pick which traits and beliefs in others to hate on. And no, I didn't find your example obnoxious. It really depends how things are said/which context.
It’s kinda cringy but I noticed I do this with certain games. I’ve never really played much of the souls games but growing up some of my friends and people I liked watching online played them and I always felt that if I wanted to I could pick them up and play them but there was also another part of me that was kind of intimidated by them because I didn’t want to feel like I was bad if they were too difficult for me. Within the last couple of months though I started playing bloodborne and was able to understand how the game works knowing overall that’s it’s not like most games and that it can feel more defeating to play than rewarding. I was able to beat a couple bosses though and started noticing that I was trying to make it apart of my identity that I can play souls games and that I got gud. There is a genuine appreciation I have for those games though especially bloodborne but I just thought it was weird that it was a little bit of an ego boost knowing that I was capable of playing these games and giving up on them
A personality is "Armor". Your personality is created by mirroring from your environment. If you are alone and neglected, and aren't around other humans, or interact with other humans, you won't develop a personality. You will be very blank/boring/empty. Being able to "Steal personality traits" is a valuable skill. With a personality, you can navigate the social world. A personality is "Armor".
This explains why I find 'alternative'/'hipster' people as cringe, it's because many of them always label themselves as 'alternative' and 'hipster'; personality as identity is so cringe.
So, how would you distinguish Prescriptivism vs Descriptivism, in this realm? For example, I’m a gamer (this is a part of me) vs I’m a game-enjoyer (describing myself); I’m Autistic (describing my neurotype and traits to communicate)
Is there any sort of identity that is not "cringe" then, or is any statement we tell ourselves/others about our personality and ways of being in life "cringe", which I presume means inauthentic or fabricated?
Yeah, i will try to push myself to be more like the people i look up to...but im not gonna try to become them, that's just weird, but i will defintely adopt mannerisms or speech patterns or even hobbies i like
I have found over time that a noticeable amount of my sayings and mannerisms have come from the people I hang around and stay with me even after I’m not around them as much.
"When in Rome..."
Social influence
thats how you form your "true self" as a kid, you are influenced by everyone around you
This is very relatable, and as I think about it, I feel like my personality will become a ship of theseus, where over time of me getting influenced and doing these same mannerisms as the people and friends I was with and is still with. I'll ponder if I'm still me, if my personality is still the original me.
That is mirroring and it is ok, but don't overdo it. It's on a verge of losing your identity. No one likes chameleons in human world. You need to be you first. Little mirroring for better social connection is actually helpful. :)
"Oh my God, you've changed so much!"
A new Ryan Gosling movie came out, of course I changed.
❤️❤️❤️
From Drive to Ken doll? 😂
real human bean
Nah bro, I'm still Sebastian from La La Land except replace jazz with trains
I must ask, do you happen to continue driving, sir?
Your true identity is the being who decides which personality traits to "steal" (learn from and grow into). Your true personality is how you respond to circumstances in actuality: the traits underneath the personality traits you've used to adorn your exterior.
I think it's healthy to think that your identity can actually acquire a new set of core personality traits, with effort and dedication
This. Trying to grow up in a vacuum with no influence, or trying to find some sort of "authentic" self apart from everyone else seems like the wrong way to go about it.
But can we change our true personality in this case?
I used to be oversensitive. What really helped me was watching Star Trek Voyager and my idol was Tuvok. Calm, stoic, logical. I learned how to control my anger and it helped me immensely. I didn't stop being sensitive, though. But learning from a fictional character how to deal with anger was therapeutic.
I love this example. It really shows the truth behind "you can't change what happens to you, only how you react to that stimulus" and by owning and controlling your reactions (or possibly waiting for a safe time and space to let the reactiveness out), you will be a good role model for others as well.
That’s awesome!!! I learned to deal with fear thru baby steps!!! Loved that movie!!!😂😂. That guy drove the narracistic shrink nuts!!😂😂
Personally I learned a ton through Terry Prattchets Discworld novel. The guard books especially, had an amazing way to parody and explain how absurdly the world sometimes works.
Star Trek TNG was awesome as well for me: Just showing how to solve problems by being reasonable.
@@termitreter6545 TNG is great. It's quite philosophical but man it does a good job without moralising, it just makes you think. And Discworld is awesome - Pratchett was a genius and each of his books is a delight to read.
This is like ep 26 of Evangelion when Shinji creates a world where only he exists, so he starts feeling like he is nothing because he has nothing to contrast himself to. And then the other characters tell him that it's because the way that we find our sense of self is by interacting with others. I know some think Eva has a lot of pseudoscientific Freudian bs but that scene really connected with me tbf. It's natural to be influenced by the personalities in your environment (even fictional ones) and we all do it even if it's subconscious
I recently met a person I was absolutely captivated and fascinated by. They had such an outgoing, nice and warm way of talking and expressing themselves with a beautiful voice and face that I felt something I never did before and still cant express that emotion. All I know is that I'd love to be as kind, open minded and confident in my own abilites as them too, surreal experience.
"I am a bear lover"
~Dr. Alok Kanoja, 1.3. 2024
True BG3 player
3/1/24***
2024-03-01
@@ArchetypeLabsdas dumb..
Month-Day-Year?
Medium-Small-Large
@@Classified141 it is.
it's been a long drive.
we're not going down anytime soon.
I love this and totally agree. During high school I would pick up on people’s personality traits around me and “try them on for size”, sometimes it ended with me embarrassing myself, sometimes it felt good and stuck. It’s literally the only way I feel like I can adapt to the outside world, I need to see examples of interactions or emotions. Realizing this gave me an intense feeling of imposter syndrome many years back until I realized I can identify with being good at studying/copying behaviors as well as lots of other things. Now I make art and don’t question myself when I get inspired by things from artists I look up to and use them within my own work.
This is so true, no wonder every time I ask the cool people I know identity related questions like "Are you a gamer?" they always hesitate or even embarrassed to answer, because identity is cringe, and as cool people they know that intuitively, I should stop asking those questions.
Asking if someone is a gamer is a weird question. Idk if you ask it explicitly like that but jsut ask if they play video games. A lot of people play video games but don’t call themselves a “gamer” as it’s label instead of just a hobby people sometimes participate in
@@colinb8332 right. It's like asking someone if they're a stoner vs. if they smoke weed.
Thing is, identities such as these are inherently limiting.
To identify as a gamer is, to an extent, simplify yourself into just being one.
Hence, why asking someone if they're "something" is uncomfortable and most always is met with hesitation.
Yada, yada, acting truthfully to oneself, blah blah social masks, yap yap, careful not to forget that you are more than you dare or are able to present yourself as, you get the point.
The term gamer is for people who are comfortable with, on the face of things, being reduced to a single character trait (even if that's not the only thing they're about). People can be multiple things, even if we start applying labels to them, so I'm not against using labels like that personally.
Having an identity is not cringe. It's just that people aren't always comfortable with using a label for themselves even if it could technically apply, or if they know they'll get criticism for applying it when it's not precisely true.
Asking someone, "Are you a mother?" doesn't mean you're asking if they're a 1-dimensional character whose existence is solely about being a mother. But it does get awkward if they gave birth but didn't raise the child. The definition of what a "mother" is and what a "gamer" is don't necessarily match the context of the question.
A "mom" who never raised her child, a "gamer" who never actually gamed (in the sense of competing intensely and developing tactics to overcome challenges), neither would necessarily be comfortable applying such labels to themselves. But more neutral questions would allow for some easier answers. "Do you play games?" "I do (casually)." "Are you raising any kids?" "No (since they're being raised by someone else)."
@@Ventryx I suppose so.
- [00:16] 🧠 Personality is how you interpret information, your internal reaction, and your actions.
- [01:00] 🎭 Personality is who you are, while identity is who you think you are.
- [03:47] 🔄 Adopting personality traits involves understanding and integrating them into your life without confusing them with your identity.
- [05:26] 🚫 Identifying with personality traits as your identity can lead to cringe-worthy behavior.
- [07:28] 🤔 Comparing yourself to others and adopting certain behaviors is natural, but be wary of making them part of your identity.
Thanks goat
I saw Steve Jobs do a quick eyebrow raise during an interview to break the awkwardness while fixing technical issues. I have since adopted this into my personality. I identify as an eyebrow raiser American. Haha
I thought you were cool until you said the last sentence. Then it became cringe 😂 "I am such an eyebrow raiser"
@@FANNIX- I think he meant the ironically…hopefully.
@@FANNIX- *raises eyebrow*
While making eye contact with someone? While someome is waiting for you as you perform a task? While you and another are waiting on a 3rd party? While entertaining yourself?
Please tell me the eyebrow raise context i would like to try.
I just got mind *ucked, entered into this video and went to respond "raises eyebrow" only to find out I already did exactly that 2 months ago wtf
I suppose one other aspect of this would be that trying to imitate a personality/behavior without understanding the underlying attitude that leads to the personality/behavior would be inauthentic, and people tend to notice. Especially if you're trying to adapt traits of someone in your social circle, and people notice you're "copying" them. That can be a blow to your social reputation, I would think.
I'm the most humble person in the world
You're so awesome I'm gonna be just like you
Cringe : P
im the most egotistical person in the world, but genuinely good for you
Omg my (narcissistic) brother said this to me completely unironically 🤦🏾♀️😅 I asked him if he ever thought he had too much pride and he said “I’m genuinely the most humble person you will ever meet, in your LIFE.” 😂😂😂😂
I'm more humbler
Sharing time: this video reminds me of how during therapy, when I felt and (applying words from that video) identified as downright pathetic, my therapist knowing I was raised by my dad who often referred to Star Wars characters asked me to do a thought experiment, it went something like this:
- imagine for a moment that Obi-Wan Kenobi was looking at you right now. Would he tell you to your face, that you're pathetic?
- no, never, he wouldn't.
- SO WHY DO YOU DO THAT?
This may sound stupid as hell, but that absolutely blew my mind and helped me immensely at that time.
Another example of what Doc K says here about adopting personae, that hits home for me: when I was joining a completely new work environment - I felt completely overwhelmed and thought that I won't make it there. However, I quickly managed to find my "sensei". I picked a person in the company, from a different team, who was really proficient in our field and decided that I'd try to do exactly what he did. Learned the stuff he learned when he was starting, grinded the same path he grinded and picked up some of his traits (my favorite one was his saying: "I don't know the answer to your question... but I'll find it or the person who knows in the company.") and in a year everyone around me was considering me as a legit AF pro... well, now I'm struggling with impostor syndrome, but hey! At least I made some progress over the years.
Even if you "stole" those traits, it seems like you're being efficient at your job and doing things right, so keep it up :)
If what you did worked and made you happy, you're someone who can make good decisions -- even if they embarrass you a little. And I only think so because you admitted to your struggle. Someone who does that can grow. If you feel like an imposter now, you don't have to forever.
You upgraded from Self-criticism to Imposter syndrome, now that's progress, not in a sarcastic way at all like I've gone through the same thing and gets better from here!
I want to make sure I am understanding things accurately. Personality is how you process and respond to stimulus. Identity is the "I am ..." statements you make to yourself and others.
Yes. Personality is just the way you are, naturally. Shaped by your previous experiences. You don't need to understand it, to be it. And it can change over time. Identity is how you think about yourself. Which often also leads to deciding how to act based on that identity, instead of just being yourself. So essentially: thinking anything about yourself is cringe. Just be who you are in every moment (not easy).
@@FANNIX- I initially was hesitant about the "just be yourself" perspective. I wasn't satisfied with a view that doesn't leave room for improvement. But after some thought I landed on: "I am" == cringe, "I want to be" == aspirational.
Example: "I am humble" vs "I want to be humble". Second sounds better to me.
@@dustinphillips605 I like you're way of putting it.
@@dustinphillips605 Oh so you thaught "just be who you are" left no room for improvement? Interesting, how so? I feel like it is the ultimate foundation for real improvement. Because it stops comparing yourself to others and it stops thinking about what you "should" be able to do. Instead it let's you focus on the moment. Ohhh, because you thought that who you are won't change? I always saw it more like "Just be who you are in this moment". This makes it more clear that your abilities can change over time. The best you can do in any given moment is to be who you are in that moment. You will naturally function to the best of your abilities in this moment. Which includes learning new things that you can't do, as quick as possible for the current you. "I want to be" also sounds perfect! Another way of thinking about yourself in a given moment is "I try to do my best to be kind". Because that can be true and is not cringe 🌱
love this. You explained it perfectly. Thanks.@@FANNIX-
This is great advice I never thought of it that way.
He’s delivery saying “that’s cringe” was also hilarious 💀
Dr I need a simple detailed vid on how to actually comeback‽ Comeback with that old authentic confidence we used to have at some point especially our childhood or before we became insecure about smth for any reason... I feel we were the most authentic ourselves and attractive too at that point of life!!!
"Do not destroy the part of you that is cringe, destroy the part that cringes"
I think this applies to living ur life rather than ur identity, at least imo
Pfffft, I embraced the cringe and amplify it just to upset others lol
or don’t destroy but balance
Is it cringe to say other people think I’m hot? 😂😂. I mean it could go to my head but hasn’t. I love to hear it! 😂😂. I just want to make it hotter for the guy the ! 😂😂.
I always loved the Penny’s of the world! We exist except much smarter and classy. 😂😂
Thanks Dr. K!
For me I think the healthy personality adaptation that you explained is inner-focused and the way you explained identity shows how it limits.
What I mean is, for me, I think to know that I'm engaging personalities and not identity is when I am more inner-focused.
This is so funny yet so eye opening. One of your best videos. I love it 😂
I think Dr k makes a pretty good point with this.. it's one thing to let's say have a favorite anime character like Vegeta or something and try to hone in on some of the positive traits on certain personalities. Having a different personality in different can lead to a different world and opportunities.
But if somebody besides that let's say because they have depression doesn't mean that that becomes who they are. "I'm depressed" isn't a personality but a state of mind.
I love your green couch against the black wall!!!!!!the whole thing looks amazing
I think its totally fine. The things I take from friends (usually subconsciously) are almost always humor related things like how I do a joke/mocking voice. As long as you can be yourself around people as well which you still can even if you absorb mannerisms
You cannot steal personality traits, you can merely fake them, or put on an act. Changing your personality is quite hard and needs to happen gradually over time.
It seems that these examples, looking at the big five, or ocean model mostly touch on neuroticism, and personality is much broader than that.
I think mindfully adopting an identity is a good tool for crafting yourself into who you want to be. If you want to adopt the personality traits of "a tidy person," just do what you think people who identify as "tidy people" would do (though now that I've written the phrase "people who identify as tidy people," which is obviously no one, ever, I realize that identity is definitely something imposed from the outside, enviously looking in).
So long as you remain aware of the fact that identity is impermanent, you can basically use it like training wheels so long as you don't start believing your own bullshit and stereotypes.
Speaking of anime, it may be cringe but when I saw tanjiro being so kind to others, I really wanted that.
being kind is not cringe. even though that show is
@user-up4wj9vi3w Therefore he is cringe by proxy
@@user-up4wj9vi3w You identify as an Anime critique it seems like. Time to rewatch the video 😂
Emulating someone you admire isn't cringe, it's when you start telling everyone you're a kind person now that's cringe. Practice kindness, don't advertise it.
@@seekingfinding6204isnt cringe just the feeling of awkwardness? I dont get it
So this is what I do and react, versus who I think I am. “I do humble acts versus I am a humble person.”
How can I be humble (in this moment)? How can I be a better listener? How can I be more curious? :3
this literally explains the difference between guys who are nice and "nice guys"
there's nothing wrong with having a nice personality, but identifying as nice is self destructive
what an interesting topic. i've been thinking about this for the past year and here it is, being talked about. good stuffs doc
That's socializing. You just need to be true to yourself.
"just"
@skycrafter1509 “just” implies it’s simple, not that it’s easy, which I agree with
I can't believe I found this video, because just recently I find myself adopting certain traits from my closest friend who is selfless, kind, charming and cute. I've been questioning myself if it is okay to adopt those traits and I'm glad it is. I'm also learning new things because those new traits give me new perspective in so many things. And as new experiences come in, I further develop the traits I adopted and develop entirely new personality. In short, I feel like I'm growing as a person.
Alden from Super Supportive is one of the most genuinely heroic people I’ve ever read about. He’s kind and considerate to everyone. He listens and tries to help where he can but also knows when he’s out of his depth and when others are better equipped for the situation. He feels fear but when push comes to shove he steps up. He works hard at what he’s passionate about. He sacrifices himself when he needs to but also knows that he needs to care for himself. He is one of the most human characters and I do want to be like him.
0:55 Confounding! New smart-person word up for grabs!
1:05 Note; personality is who you are, identity is who you think you are.
1:07 Fine to craft yourself into who you are, but do not confound it with identity.
2:15 Ah I see! So you got a bad personality if you do stuff like going up to a bear because you think of the TikTok... and how you act, is your personality... Just thinking, what if you find your personality generic like me? Well, that's the wrong way to go about things, that's for certain.
5:36 TRUE! And that's what I do... I'm like "Look at me! I'm not X! Yeah, you can't cancel me! Cause I'm literally not! I'm stating it out loud so that you know! And so that you can't hurt me! HAh! Look, I'm even typing it out for you! Hah my "personality" is so self-aware cause I speak outloud all my thoughts! I'm so genuine cause of that too!!! HAHAHA-". The irony being that, the more I hold people away from figuring out who I REALLY AM via verbally explaining my "personality" and/or hiding away from it via misunderstanding it in an effort to understand it outloud(cause I might say something wrong!!! So I gotta be super perfect in order to explain it all outloud...), the more potential energy there is for me getting hurt more personally and physically when I hold myself to those standards of "having to state ones "personality" outloud to prove it, rather than do any fun activities and all that memorable stuff - which I neglect cause I just don't want to do that nor do I actually want to dedicate myself to a/that friendship with them cause that forces me to do those things... to compromise on my personality in ways I'm not willing to... but then of course I'm too anxious + self-doubting + low on self-esteem to recognize this in the moment"... DAMN!
7:47 Absolutely! How we interpret information and act on it. God if we made our personality our identity we'd just be stating it out in the open all the time like a narcissist... 9:06 TRUE.
Also, are you saying it’s not ideal to have an “identity” in general? Like just acting and not think much about who we feel we are?
Your videos are so helpful btw! I hope my questions don’t come across as critical, just seeking understanding :)
I hate how noticeable it is for me after a movie with really good characters.
@@TheLucidChiba off topic but could you suggest some films with good characters?
Hey Dr. K!, i was wondering how i could reach out to you about a personal question to try and get some insight, ask on stream? Or email?
Great vid, Dr.
This is going to be a good one not only do I do this I see a lot of people who do this
Just found you, loving your work!
I do think that adopting an identity can help in some aspects, though, especially if it's the only way to trick your brain into identity-appropriate behaviors you are trying to adopt. Like the James Clear example of someone who's trying to quit smoking and how it's more successful to say, "I'm not a smoker" than it is to say, "I'm trying not to smoke."
“I don’t smoke.” 🚭 it’s a never
If it’s something abstaining in this season but not a never “I’m not eating that right now.”
Found this one helpful and thought-provoking.
I haven't watched the video yet and I can already tell you he's right. That first 10 seconds is what the younger me learned and did religiously so I be and stay accepted around the group of friends at the time who were cringe and toxic however they were "gamers" and all I had. I've been healing from this and Its so much better when you don't do this. A moment every once in a while can still be fun tho lol
i used to have this problem but i stopped socialising with people, isolated myself and became a shut in and then it went away 👍10/10 would recommend 😊
I didnt even watch the video yet i know that we are an amalgamation of things we observe from others, we experiment traits, we get mannerism from people all the time, and eventually we decide the ones that we think it suits better, i had that sentiment before.
Now, what's the difference between having a healthy self-image which includes (as I understand) the identity part. and the sense of identity you are talking about?
The thing about identity that could also be problematic is when you lock yourself into a certain mindset. "Yea, I'm this" and so you would more or less carry on with it becoming part of your personnality, while you could have become someone else just not assuming you are [identity].
However, if you *want* to change certain traits of your personnality, working on identity could become a hugely useful tool...
[I have no actual psychological expertise, don't take my word as is. It just seems coherent to me after giving it the minimal required amount of thought]
So basically you just need to become those positive personality traits instead of identifying with/as them. instead of telling people that you are something, just be that something.
For example confident people don't need to tell everyone else how confident they are.
this is pretty good, thank you! I used to adopt some characteristics some time ago that I saw in other groups of people that I liked and I wished to be like them. I did it as an identity and not personality, unfortunately. I find it hard to find my way back.
I recenty had the experience of rediscovering the adventurer in me. My gf has been traveling the world for 16 Years and i am a bit jalous but thats okay. From that feeling i realised that i was missing the part of me that was open for adventures. Now i am slowly trying to get into that aspect if my selfe more and explore what it is that i want to do.
This is just unbelievably brilliant
Great Video 👍
It’s not equating personality with identity that’s cringe, it’s ego and thinking you’re special, because it’s clear that you have no idea how you’re coming off (which is cringe). That’s why it’s cringe to brag about how humble you are. It’s not actually cringe to say how depressed you are and to think you can’t get better unless there’s an attitude of “my circumstances are so different from everyone else that’s why I can’t get better” which a lot of times there is that, which is just a form of thinking you’re special. It’s not cringe if you believe that some amount of depression is unbeatable, like if you think some people have a chemical imbalance or that some people spiritually can’t see the purpose of existence, etc. bc then it’s not about feeling special. Had to say that bc Dr. K has been kind of shaming depressed people lately
idk if people tell me theyre special i dont see it as cocky or pretentious, i just see it as normal. Everyone's different, so in some way, everyone's special. It's not an inherently good trait, just means you basically exist. (Even when those people try so hard to "be" someone they're not and copy as many traits as they can they're still gonna be different)
@@ArbitraryCodeExecution I don’t mean special in the sense of thinking you’re unique, I more meant in the sense of thinking you’re better than others and there’s something about you that almost no one can relate to. Maybe a poor choice of wording.
You are not disagreeing with Dr. K. Being depressed and talking about what you believe and how you feel is not cringe. That's your genuin feelings and it's part of being depressed. But saying "I am a depressed person, that is who I am.": that's cringe. For example if someone tries to get to know you. Being (!) depressed and thinking of yourself as a depressed person are two very different things. The latter one is cringe.
@@FANNIX- I don’t think it’s cringe to think of yourself as a depressed person if you’ve been depressed for a long time. Maybe it’s not helpful and it is probably a cognitive distortion, but I think Dr. K isn’t really correct in why something is cringe. It’s cringe if you’re annoying, not self-aware, and ignore social norms, etc. So if you introduce yourself as “Hi I’m Jessica, I’m depressed” that’s cringe bc you’re burdening someone you just met with sad information. But telling your close friends that you feel like being depressed is just a facet of who you are isn’t cringe. It’s sad, not cringe
@@jessicam3707 Yes I totally agree with you. I feel like you don't quite understood the nuance yet. Telling your friends that you feel depressed is not cringe. You are feeling (!) depressed and expressing that. This is natural, if you are depressed. And as you said: if you have been depressed for a while, it is also natural to notice (!) that you are being depressed. But that is still not identifying with it. Identity is when you ask yourself "who am I? What makes me me?". If you ask yourself this question and your answer is "I am a depressed person": that (!) is cringe. Do you understand? :) It is the difference between "I like to play games" and "I am a gamer".
Im currently halfway through acquiring all of your traits, Dr k
Adding this to "tools for re parenting"
Recap, for homework purposes:
-adopting personality traits is okay
-don't let your identity make you conceited
-identify with traits or experiences, don't identify with a noun (I like gaming > I'm a GAMER)
"Don't be sorry, be better" Kratos words - seems to be very related to the video somehow
Precious words, thank you for sharing them!
I think this is a really good lesson
AHA I KNEW IT!!!
I haven't played video games in years because I got a bad vibe from them, almost felt like they were a "supranormal stimulus" tricking my brain making into think I had accomplished something when I really hadn't. I occasionally indulge a game of Homeworld: Remastered simply as brain exercise because its like 3d chess with space ships, but that's about it, and I spend most of my time either earning money, in the gym or learning something new, even though ppl give me the "stink eye" when I say this. *Thanks Dr.K for confirming my suspicion*
For those who strunggle with the humility/charismatic/intelegent/... this problem,for me personally i think, is stemmed from the expiriences they get along whenever you instinctedlly interact with people.
This, also with other traits, will always have an ego, and that ego will continue to grow if you let it be, and it will eventually become"cringe".
You can control and balance it, no one is perfect, although through personal expirience, this would cause a bit of trouble if you have large social circle.
God, this guy has the most sophisticated methods of calling someone cringe and I love it
I guess I understood the difference, I wanted to take an trait I considered a lot sweet from Max that's the main character of Life is Strange, and I wanted to be understanding of everyone's feelings around me, and it became conflicting when I wanted to make this my identity, who I was, and of course, it was unhealthy because we are we, right? We're not a fictional character or something, so it was important to finally understand that, thx Doc
hi dr. k i don’t know if anyone reads the comments on this channel but i wanted to understand: what is a healthy way to interact with the identity? surely if you repeat a behavior enough (because of your personality) you would start to understand that you tend to behave that way. so wouldn’t that mean the trait has crossed over into your identity?
Like my grandpa always said "it's hard to be humble when you know you're the best."
Wise words!
Don't fake it til you make it. Make it, don't fake it.
0:15
We often include good personality traits on children's TV. In the hope our children will try to be more like them.
I just see this as learning and experimentation :D
"if you are depressed fine you deserve compassion but if you are too depressed than you are cringe"
Wtf since when depression is a personality or identity trait?
I think He means when you act out of depression it's fine or to say I have depression for means its period time, but when you say I am depressed u making it your identity and that's what tricks your brain to stay in that depression
@@KiritoDota2 it's like saying "it's ok if you have a flue but if you dare to sneeze you are a peace or s" depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, it's not about willpower or any kind if shit.
My personality changes every time i meet a new person. idk how to stop it, im normal with my family. its probably bc im not confident in my own personality, if i pretend to be someone else and they dont like me i cant take it to heart.
Protip: in the screenshot at 0:20, the word is spelled “Analysing” (UK) or “Analyzing” (US), not “Analising”.
That would be a completely different discussion. 😅
In this context, I kind of wonder whether it is really possible to "steal" a personality trait. You said it relates directly to our interpretation of the trait itself and/or the consequences of having it. But this leads to a problem related to a false association due to correlation of the events, i.e., since I'm inspired by a certain person's actions or thoughts on a certain matter, I may end up convincing myself of the presence of a certain trait in them, and then proceed to try and become like that myself, with the result being, well, not as intended. Would you say that it's significant whether or not the process of determining the trait I want to learn from is flawed? I understand you can reach truths through flawed analysis, however, the possibility of not being able to support the claim kind of scares me, if I were to be in a position where I have to take a decision, such as learning about that one trait that may as well be a projection.
Thanks for the talk, this one reminded me of many people and the way they speak about others. Keep up the good work, it's really helpful.
How do I stop stealing personality characteristics that I hate? Or rather, how do I stop loving personalities that I hate being?
focus on just becoming aware of it, and point it out to yourself, the more you point it out, generally the better. when you were aware of it while writing the comment is a great first step. when you are non-judgmentally aware of a thing you do that you don't like, your brain will automatically reduce it.
this is why therapy is mostly about unpacking things and exploring, because you don't have to rely on will power or discipline, the brain will just do it for you. it can take a while but likely the least amount of time out of other alternatives
@@glorytoarstotzka330 right but like
Why do I wanna be Ganondorf
I don't even like Ganondorf
@@misohoney1660 ganondorf is based and you SHOULD want to be him
@@misohoney1660 Maybe you dislike the character but you like a trait that you would have as Ganondorf.
Smother small pestilence, power, a funny face with a long nose, idk
But there has to be some thing which is not the thing. You know?
@@misohoney1660 I think if you reflect on it enough, you will find out why, but it could take a very long time
I think it's worth exploring also why do you want to know that, let's assume you just find out right now, what happens next?
In that case - how do you describe yourself without being cringe? I don't quite get it
Basically don’t be cloud strife in a way
Is the conclusion here to not have an identity? What do you allow to be part of the identity?
Its fucked up how I can be 33 years old and feel like I'm still 15. Because thats how I come off and people my age or older talk to me like they are scolding thier child for not doing something the way they would do it.. my way may be different but not stupid.. whats stupid is that "your way" is the best or only way...
great stuff!
If how you interpreat, react and act to your environment is personality and should not be your identify, what even is identity ?
So, personality is what you are, and identity is like what you perceive yourself to be. Identifying as a nice person or a depressed person or a gamer, that’s all cringe. What are you supposed to identify as?
I had a friend that I met and he would start acting like me as we hung out more and more, he started to use my joke and started to steal my past trauma, and how I bought a ring to propose to my ex but thing went south and went as far as telling others in front of me that he was doing that to his ex. From their he used that to be more center of attention. I got bitter perhaps even jealous because I can never do that to him. But as a homie I still did a lot of favor for him. even helped him find his girl who he's married to now. Then I started to lose my mental health he was right there to make sure I was buried. I saw it coming a mile away but I thought that maybe since I've been there for him, helped his career, helped his trauma, helped him become someone better. I got stabbed and buried instead.
@FlyingMonkies325 He did. When i was at my lowest he went in for the kill and lynched me in front of my whole friend group. I remember now. The mfker was talking to my ex too the one I was gonna buy a ring for and marry. I knew and I saw everything happening I chose to believe in innocent. Not only that, my new gf started to act funny when I wasn't hanging out with our friend group one night. My new gf and I later started to get into argument but she would say stupid comment on how my best friend at the time is better than me. Dog eat dog world. He played me like a violin. Used me as status. when I lost everything, my career, my health, my mental, my gf he went in to make sure I was never gonna get up again. Also he's very calculative and patient if you read the 48 laws of power you;ll know what I'm talking, I unfortunately helped him leveled up beyond anything. I fken regretted it. One of my pet peeve was I always want to help people level up. I have never regretted my motto ever in my life until him.
When i think about it. I first met him long long ago. He was kinda of wack didn't know how to be center yet. Infact his past gf really liked me when he was trying to get with her, but I was dating her cousin at the time. Since then he always saw that he would out do me but couldn't . It didn't hit me until now. I thought it was in the past but I guess people still be plotting and getting revenge.
Now I am healthier. I haven't talked to anyone in 2 years. I enjoy being by myself.... shit, learning to do things for myself is still really hard. But also learning that I as a man had needs that were never met and did have really bad tendencies to meet bad people. No more spending 600$ at the clubs with mkers who are just lined up for drink and use you for what you got. No more drinking every day. No more partying til 4 AM going to work 6AM to train some dumbass people who don't want to be there. I hit rock bottom and I'm learning to build again.
Final thought: this world rarely do things out of goodness and when you do you;'ll learn the hard way and get used up and become wiser or more bitter you choose. Even being innocent naive have their tricks up their sleeves, think of kids when they act cute or when they cry. They're seeking something. I learned and got burned really bad. When someone is nice now I look and go what's your angle? I wanted a brother, because I could never had that kind of relationship with my blood family and that was what I desire for so long. That was my angle. Because of that angle I was blind to what was happening.
Hi doctor k im a really big fan of your channel ive learned so much from your videos and it has helped me so much. I wanted to ask maybe in the future if you could talk about atypical depression simce ive been diagnosed with it please
smiling so much during this video
I don't understand. To improve my life I need to become more aware of my perceptions and reactions. But once I am aware it ceases to be a personality and becomes an identity? Also identities are bad? Or "cringe"? I feel very lost here.
I understand it like this: If you start to identify as something you base your actions on this identity; you create an action to support the identity you set up for yourself. And then there is the reverse where you have picked up personality traits that support/influence the actions you do but you dont define yourself as it; its something that happens unconsciously most of the time.
I watched a ton of X-Files as a kid/teen and saw how people were scripted to react to Mulder and his radical beliefs in really weird shit, vs how much more respected Scully was for her skepticism (as well as how much more seriously people took things when she was like "no, there is definitely something going on here"). I leaned into developing strong critical thinking, taught myself to avoid impulse reactions to things with no evidence, and fostered a genuinely curious spirit that has served me exceptionally well as a scientist myself these days. Absolutely no regrets in wanting to have those traits from a fictional character, especially given my parents were both white bread in terms of personality and just did whatever Fox News told them to. The best thing I got from them was a completely opposite personality. If I didn't look so damn much like my father I'd swear I was adopted.
5:56 with no context is hilarious
People are dumb founded when identical twins see the world with different perceptions, from each other.
I knew someone who took from everyone she met, what broke the relationship (with me) was the gossip about everyone as well.
4:39 The exact same thing is happening to me
She said she cannot date anyone because she promised her parents. But then ends but dating my friend And Kissing him right in front of me.
For a long time I've been ignoring and trying to cope with my feelings, but now, after 2 months I've grown all resentful for how unfair life is and everything. Some of those thoughts are really biased but i still, consciously, am thinking about them and really trying to feel that grudge...often times I find myself holding back tears or my head starts to hurt really bad :)
Great video and explanation, especially the cringe part :D
The only thing is that i got confused about identity. What is or should be one's identity then? 😅
i used to create a ‘persona’ and live as that persona
the way i would speak,
clothing aesthetic
how extraverted or not,
music,
interests,
opinions,
people would say to me, “just be yourself!”
i thought “yourself” meant these things i had picked out, what i consciously chose
but what they really meant was
“act like nothing”
what does act like nothing mean in your words?
Interesting take but I didn't understand, could you explain?
Most of my personality is stolen! I find things I like in others and adopt them.
I am so sorry if I misunderstood but, this seems as if identity itself is a bad thing, we need to identify with something right?
Can you please give +ve examples of identity which is good. Because the solution can't be to just have personitly and no identity, right?
Please correct my understanding if I have misunderstood or missed anything
Why do we need to identify with something?
@@FANNIX-according to the video, identity is how you perceive yourself. You can’t just not perceive or think about yourself. That’s called a complete lack of self-awareness. I believe Dr K didn’t fully flesh out his take on identity here. It isn’t something you can just ignore or dump on the side of the road.
No according to the video, identity is what we think we are. Not what we actually are. It is not about awareness or perception. Identity is "I am a gamer". Or "I am german". Or "I am an anime fan". You can perceive that you live in germany and like to play games without identifying and thinking of yourself as a gamer or a german. @@samsprague3158
I wish you went into more detail what identity is. You showed a lot of examples of what identity isnt
Whenever i watch a show i take personality traits from characters for a few weeks or even months 💀
Why do you call things 'cringe' rather than reasoning what's wrong with them? I don't cringe when someone identifies with a personality trait, as long as they're sincere and feel good about that trait. It sounds like what you're saying is "It makes me cringe, therefore it's cringe and if you don't feel the same way you're wrong." Painting your personal negative feelings as if they're objective observations is bullying. Cringing at people feeling good about themselves and thinking of themselves in good ways like 'charismatic' or 'humble' is jealousy.
He's describing a common view and explaining the difference between personality and identity. There are demonstrable differences in what constitutes an identity and personality. The reason I see it is actually bad is because if you take pride in a certain personality trait and labelling it as an identity marker, you are pretty much telling other people it's none of their business to question it. Generally it's not other people's job to question your identity, but it is very much their job to question/confirm/answer to your personality traits. When someone says "I am depressed" it comes off as something they see as a definitive marker of them as a person. The reason that's cringe is you close off all doors to work for a better life if you identify with the problem rather than seeing it as a disturbance/temporary state. Likewise identifying with something positive can be cringe because it can make you come off as cocky or nonchalant. Instead of "Why do you act like this? I think it's better to do this." you say "Why do you act like this? I am a humble person, therefore I would do this instead." Do you hear which one is the more obnoxious one?
@@davidekdal7190 When in the video did he actually explain the difference between personality and identity? Anyway, your arguments beg the question of whether people think their identity is fixed. The common sense view is not everyone feels that way, whereas some feel their "personality traits" are fixed. But, if someone does feel e.g. their depression is fixed, by what law are they wrong, and by what law are we not allowed to question it? I didn't sign any job description which precludes me from questioning people's potential self-delusions.
Besides, this guy was a Buddhist monk and frequently promotes Buddhist ideas, and Buddhists don't even believe in a fixed self. After all, what aspects of us really are fixed? Well if you just say it's cringe to have an identity full stop, you don't get to cherry-pick which traits and beliefs in others to hate on.
And no, I didn't find your example obnoxious. It really depends how things are said/which context.
It’s kinda cringy but I noticed I do this with certain games. I’ve never really played much of the souls games but growing up some of my friends and people I liked watching online played them and I always felt that if I wanted to I could pick them up and play them but there was also another part of me that was kind of intimidated by them because I didn’t want to feel like I was bad if they were too difficult for me. Within the last couple of months though I started playing bloodborne and was able to understand how the game works knowing overall that’s it’s not like most games and that it can feel more defeating to play than rewarding. I was able to beat a couple bosses though and started noticing that I was trying to make it apart of my identity that I can play souls games and that I got gud. There is a genuine appreciation I have for those games though especially bloodborne but I just thought it was weird that it was a little bit of an ego boost knowing that I was capable of playing these games and giving up on them
A personality is "Armor". Your personality is created by mirroring from your environment. If you are alone and neglected, and aren't around other humans, or interact with other humans, you won't develop a personality. You will be very blank/boring/empty. Being able to "Steal personality traits" is a valuable skill. With a personality, you can navigate the social world. A personality is "Armor".
This would support the fact that identity is internally who we are, while personality is like an outer coating that others see, like armor.
This explains why I find 'alternative'/'hipster' people as cringe, it's because many of them always label themselves as 'alternative' and 'hipster'; personality as identity is so cringe.
I anxiety is a part of identity for a person with genralized anxiety disorder 🤷
So, how would you distinguish Prescriptivism vs Descriptivism, in this realm? For example, I’m a gamer (this is a part of me) vs I’m a game-enjoyer (describing myself); I’m Autistic (describing my neurotype and traits to communicate)
Is there any sort of identity that is not "cringe" then, or is any statement we tell ourselves/others about our personality and ways of being in life "cringe", which I presume means inauthentic or fabricated?
Yeah, i will try to push myself to be more like the people i look up to...but im not gonna try to become them, that's just weird, but i will defintely adopt mannerisms or speech patterns or even hobbies i like
This is like that new movie Hit Man