He says he's not intelligent but just a few minutes in, you can tell how articulate and self-aware he is. I think he's really underestimating himself. Shame what he went through.
That's how masking works. A lot of your bandwidth is dedicated to appearing articulate and self-aware, but that means that you don't necessarily have bandwidth for something else that doesn't serve to preserve the illusion. A lot like what Dr. K explained about ADHD, where you can feign paying attention by being skilled at picking up context cues that you look like you were paying attention. I'm not saying that he's unintelligent, but it's important to acknowledge that he feels less intelligent and that probably expresses itself in certain fields and, quite frankly, it's OK to be unfamiliar with something and that is part of how Robert can grow. Accepting not knowing how a thing works and just enthusiastically asking for an explanation. That helps me a lot.
happens a lot. its more about being able to communicate it in any given situation and being around others in person is a lot different than speaking to people about things you have prepared yourself to speak about over a call. also probably effected a bit more by different environments than most people are because its likely harder for him to think well in an environment with lots of stimulation
>Take the mask off >Lose most "friends" >Realize the "friends" were a one-way relationship where they relied on you for socializing, therapy, etc who have zero interest in doing the same for others >Now lonely, but at least genuine It just hurts because "wearing the mask" is already an exhausting effort in itself, but then people rely on you for things they would never give in return. It's just one-sided burdens on top of burdens. I'll be civil and polite to peers, but I won't call someone a friend anymore unless they actually are one.
Sorry to hear you've gone through this mate. Wishing you well, and earnest bonds with good people soon. Remember, you deserve real friendship like that.
I now use "is it okay if I take a minute to form my thoughts" as a parenting technique, when it's a difficult moment and I need to come up with the right solution. I say it differently, something like "daddy needs to be quiet for a minute to think." But wow what a radically awesome approach to interacting with people in a caring way. It can make a huge difference.
Also, "normal" isn't even a realistic standard for a way to act, because different social groups expect something different to each other, and "weird" can be "normal" for another group. I think simply being yourself in a conversation is probably enough to be "normal," unless it's a professional setting or something, then of course some sort of social acting is expected.
In high school it really upset me when people had that "token friend" because it was those same people who laughed at my friends, myself, and my friends on the spectrum. I myself am not on the spectrum, but when I was younger with extreme ADHD, the friends I made who were on the spectrum were honestly a blessing. I hope things get better for you Robert.
Why do i find so many of these conversations so relatable, especially this one everything from the start has been so similar to my story. I have been weird, tried to make friends by making them laugh at me or cracking jokes at my own expense. I have been competitive for being liked and always felt that nobody has ever liked me for real. Almost every one or other video has felt something i can relate and understand ky own problems from.
I guess the answer is welcome to humanity , here we all experience the same feelings at different stages and on different levels with a different amount of awareness
The algorithm and similarities you have to this content. I never relate to anything but still get recommended his channel cause some of the click bait titles are really good so I click them.
@@mohamedkamel551 I completely agree, welcome to life. I guarantee you are not the only one struggling. Just don't label yourself and do the best you can.
Thank you Robert for sharing your experience! I could relate to this video a lot. I got my autism diagnosis only at age 24. I've unknowingly been masking my entire life. I made zero friends during my time at university, and I felt isolated and anxious all the time. Since my diagnosis I've been going to therapy, started antidepressant medication, started meditating and journalling... so now I'm slowly rebuilding my own identity and learning to be more social.
I only got my diagnosis at eighteen, after high school burnout and an unsupported transition into university led me to mental illness first. I had friends in high school (teenagers), but adults always felt like a whole other kettle of fish to me and my social anxiety is still so severe that I can't take off the mask in front of other people without feeling like breaking down crying or freezing up. I've learned to take off the mask at home over a couple pf years, but it's still such a fragile state that when the perceived demands of the real world cone into the equation, my self-acceptence shatters and the mask comes on virtually automatically, like I can feel the mental shift of faking it-slipping into a different mental gear-but can't control it, or bring myself back into a feeling of self-connection in that context. It was so routine to have the mask in social contexts (and not knowing I wasn't the mask) that the reflex of wearing it just takes over.
Lucky u.. I still can't afford therapy at 31 due to the lack of jobs here and ppl certainly don't help at all,especially my parents. I hate the world..
61 recently diagnosed and his story was often my story, and now sorting out masking, and the toll it takes with fatigue. Thanks for bringing Robert’s story and thanks to Robert for sharing.
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that you had to live through fifty years of that, and it's awesome that you're learning to deal with it now. Your comment makes me grateful for having autism, and not having had such a bad experience with it as I have always been myself unapologetically, and people seem to like me for it
honestly he sounds like a delightful person to be around, i hate that he was made to feel that way, but i do understand 🥺 i hope he can get past his fears and insecurities and show the world his unfiltered self
My husband and son have autism. He always thought he was too dry and he's attracted to my adhd bubbliness (not always bubbly...but it happens sometimes lol) im attracted to his calm presence. I feel safe with him, im in awe of his intelligence and how his mind works, and i know hes an absolute sweetheart and very gifted at knowing when i need a hug, etc. He has his struggles, which i learn about and do what i can to support him, and he does the same for me with mine. He also understands our little guy on a level i could never...so hes helped me become a better mother, even if he cant bring himself to do too much with our son (they have opposite sensory issues, my son is sensory seeking, hes sensory avoidant so engaging with him too long is extremely overwhelming) regardless, hes a massively important presence and enhances our lives with his insight everyday. All this to say, attributes you may find to be dull, or not that important, are and can be incredibly valuable In friendships, relationships and parenthood.
Funny thing is I feel sort of opposite about most small talk. For me it’s a lot easier because I know it’s not deep and most of the time it’s an automatic thing people do. So I know it’ll end eventually. It’s the constant social interaction that kills me and prevents me from forming relationships and keeping jobs. I can make stupid small talk for like 5 mins but if I have to talk longer than that or have to interact with people everyday, it just makes me very anxious.
Relatable, but most people can take on much more than that and I just can't, and I know how that kills a potential friendship but more than a couple minutes and I've already depleted my social energy
bro i know im 3 weeks late here and you didn't ask for this, but i feel the need to put this somewhere but making a comment wont get attention lol ive had signs of autism when i was in kindergarden (didnt talk, no eye contact). if i do have it as of now, its probably very mild watching this im seeing all these things which are the EXACT same to my current scenario, instead of being autistic (not diagnosed) i would just be labelled as stupid or whatever idk. i havent had it as bad as robert, only the past couple of years id say, not my childhood, i think.. and id like to say im a nice/funny/emotionally intelligent person like robert. he lowkey seems like another version of me. when i have thought of autism ive just thought of the extreme cases. cried alot watching this :o everything makes more sense now... and to think i was going to get therapy 1 hour for $230, i can get this for free and it's better because its dr. k
My mask has grown so strong. Instead of fearing people thinking I'm aloof and angry and don't like people, I've identified with those thoughts so much that I legitimately believe I don't want to see another human being ever again Instead of fearing that people will reject me, I've rejected the world. Maybe that's why I have constant derealization
I recognise Robert's demeanor I think a lot of people must secretly live with this kind of situation. I also think he's right about finding the right workplace, because there are plenty of understanding bosses and potential colleagues, but there are also places with the opposite atmosphere where you aren't safe to share your weaknesses, and where bullying is rife and not addressed properly. I'm yet to be thoroughly diagnosed, but autism is on the table for me these days and has been for some time let's put it that way. When I was in school I was easy going, naturally funny and naturally abnormal and had a happy time, but that did sometimes lead to certain members of a friend group treating me with less respect than is appreciated. His preparedness and thoroughness and self-awareness on the subject is something I relate to a lot, but I'm still a little roadblocked from support and progression.
"there are also places (workplaces) with the opposite atmosphere where you aren't safe to share your weaknesses, and where bullying is rife." Sadly very true. There are a lot of toxic workplaces out there unfortunately. Discovered this the hard way after experiencing back to back abuse from former bosses. Finding the right workplace, job/ career is absolutely crucial IMO.
Robert's story in the beginning really resonated with me. It sucks when people reduce your entire identity to one single aspect and put you in a box you can't get out of. Ive never been diagnosed but definitely labeled as the weird kid that no one takes seriously- just around to laugh at.
Yeeep. And then making your personality more "flat" to not stand out and stop the bullying, but then having literally no personality to speak of bcs of masking so hard and that being the new issue. Developed BPD because of it and only over the past 5 years finally started to re-learn who I am. It's difficult but it's so worth it to start being genuine again.
Exactly why I don't even tell people about my diagnosis unless im already friendly with the person. It's not worth being made fun of for something I didn't intentionally give myself and have only a certain layer of control on.
@@scoutbane1651 when I overcompensate and come across flat everyone and their grandma will point it out which defeats the purpose of masking. I can't even mask properly lol
34:20 Super important. Literally you are your own worst enemy. Your anxiety tells you your worst fear is likely to happen and it stops you from doing what you'd want. I realized in high school that embarrassment only exists inside your own mind. If you don't perceive a situation as embarrassing, then it's not. It's really that simple. Mind over matter
This one is interesting for sure. Robert's story is very relatable and related to today. I appreciate Healthy talking about it as well. Because this is fascinating.
I was vomiting from the stress of masking to work a retail job. The moment the mask came down I'd get told off or coworkers would start to worry about me. In the end I had to quit because they wouldn't make adjustments for me and kinda treated me like crap when I asked for those adjustments to be made. I'm so glad I did, but now, I have to work extra hard to make a special interest of mine into a career- it feels like I have to tread such a niche path just to exist.
Yeah the stomach aches and nearly vomiting when I know I have to mask heavily soon. Tbh it feels so terrible it makes me think about not living anymore.
Hope you’re well, I had this issue but since taking ashwaganda those stomach drop anxiety feelings are COMPLETELY gone and once they go you’ll realise how much anxiety is further created from that stomach drop feeling, it’s a calm tranquil feeling instead.. I’m about to pair it with cbd which is good for autism/anxiety and have tried in the past to quiet the constant monologue in my brain, hope this helps a bit :)
Robert, I hope you read this. You sound like a really good friend that I would need. I don't want a simple, bubbly person. That's good as a buddy. But when I really need a friend, THE FRIEND, I want a smart, honest, thoughtful person, like you. Keep it up, you are amazing, you can sort this out.
when i was a teenager in deep depression i wrote a poem about the mask we wear in order to fit in: As the night breaks, As does my heart, Here without you, I'm falling apart. Lost in my thoughts, With no track of time, These nights feel so endless, Wishing you were mine. As the sun rises, I put on my mask, To hide the nights truth, From the days full bask. All over again, And back to the start, The night takes this mask, Revealing my Heart. Consumed with despair, The blood runs free, Purging this mask, cos it just isn't me.
I highly encourage social skills training. It's like playing D&D, but instead of adventures in a fantasy world, it's real life. That sounds really boring, but I've had roleplaying sessions as part of social skills training where I walked away with enough confidence to do something I was previously terrified of; Calling someone unannounced, even if I might face rejection.
About the "robot" moment, I often say that I perform quite well (in both the "performance" and "doing an impression" sense) in a formal setup, but that I'm really uncomfortable in an informal setup. That being because in a formal setup, it's usually possible to learn the rules and know deterministically how to behave (so yeah, a trained robot...but hopefully is it clear what I mean by that). And so I didn't resonate much with dr. K's comment that "it gets better than that, great !" (I get it was an encouragement, but still, it felt off for me). Because it gets on a qualitatively different level that is impossible to evaluate beforehand. On the other hand, I totally resonated with the "pre-rejection" bit. I learned that in an informal setup, you have to take the risks and that it's not deterministic. And that's what I struggle with, even though I am aware of what I (probably) should do. My immediate reflex is to drive the moment to some sort of pre-known pattern...which works, but flattens the moment and usually makes it extremely boring. And I have no idea how to get out of this vicious circle. Not saying that I got better how Robert felt about that part. It's just my take on it, and I might totally be off (not diagnosed of anything - I just resonate a lot with what neurodivergent people experience).
Yeah, that part really resonated with me too and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t give better advice on it honestly lol. It can totally feel like you’re not being funny or “bubbly” enough in a informal conversation, since that’s what seems to be the correct way to approach it for the “best results,” so you feel like you have to stick to that routine. Consequently when you try to deliver your thoughts in a more considerate and thorough manner it seems like you’re being too boring or “like a robot.” But the reality is it’s perfectly okay to do that sometimes even if it feels like you’re not acting like your true self, or more accurately, what you perceive to be expected of you, i.e being the “funny autistic friend” in the conversation. But yeah, it is really hard to get out of that pattern mindset regardless.
seeing how autism and ADHD have much overlap, and a lot of autistic people get often misdiagnosed with ADHD. I would love to see dr. k futher explore these topics around autism.
yeah i have adhd and i keep trying to see if im on the spectrum because i have some overlapping symptoms, but i really dont identify witg the key ones of autism
@@makkerfelix remember these things arent fully figured out and we are in the infancy of this science so things will continue to change the more we study and learn. it could be that adhd is just a symptom of autism (which is the stance i take) .. it could be entirely diet induced problems for all we know atm. just try to use what info we do know to improve any problems you might have imo.
@@saturationstation1446 yeah i think adhd and autism are definetly two things on a greater spectrum. Most people with adhd ive met are a little weirder and more interesting than neurotypical people. Just like how autistic people are a little weirder and more interesting
This has definitely been eye opening. I have adhd and a lot of the things that he said almost described my social interacts growing up and now to the t. It’s hard to see yourself in a way that’s not negative and not feel inept when majority of you life you’re made to feel that way by your peers. It’s almost like you lose who you truly are while trying so hard to seem normal. Now that I’m stepping into adulthood people *usually* aren’t as judgmental when it comes to having quirks or being a little weird in your own way, but it’s hard to let go of the years of self doubt and anxiety that come being ostracized in your formative years. Sometimes I do feel like a robot that doesn’t know how to open up and be vulnerable because of the years I spent putting up a wall to protect myself. I miss elementary school me that was talkative and energetic and wasn’t afraid to be myself. Even though at the time I did notice how socially awkward I was compared to my classmates, I still was able to be myself, and made some genuine friends. Since then I’ve pretty much pushed everyone away out of fear of rejection. Hopefully I can unlearn masking the things that make me who I am and start making genuine connections with people again because while it is nice to have my alone time I do still get lonely and feel overwhelmed by my own isolation sometimes.
I'm also autistic and I struggled so much with all of this... Telling people that I'm autistic, and what I expect from them and what they can expect from me made a huge difference. I will never be able to look at people's eyes, I explained this to my boss and understood it very well, so he doesn't feel disrespected by that. I finally got a great group of friends who respect and support me. And surely one day I'll find a romantic partner too. Because I keep working on self improvement and every year I'm struggling with less issues, or handling them better. I was literally suicidal and now I feel grateful most of the time. Therapy and listening to other people's experiences were a big part of my learning journey. Hope this gives at least some hope to those struggling, being autistic will never stop anyone from being a great person worth of friendship, love and happiness.
Just reached the point in the video when Robert said he's afraid of people finding out something is wrong with him. I freaking felt that. I know that feeling so well but my dude, there isn't anything wrong with you. There isn't. Being neurodivergent does not mean that something is wrong with you. It means you're different, thats all, and being different, while challenging, is not wrong. And anyone who says it is is arguably the one who needs special handling, js
Dr. K thank you this is exactly the talk I needed to listen to today. I just moved to a new college campus and I've been having some identity issues that are similar to the feelings that Robert explained today. I appreciate both of you
I'm autistic, and obviously my life has been pretty poor since I was born, always fkn locked inside my own head, so like I'd feel alone even when there are people around me, and as I grew up I became less and less consistent at things I supposedly master, even what I'm the best at. Now I'm no longer able to learn sh*t because my mind is in quite a bad state just begging for help. I'm always acting and not being who I truly am, with absolutely everyone and without exception, and even that just doesn't do the trick. I don't even know how to be genuine anymore. I can't consistently feel good anymore and that's understandable given how losery my life is. What I want to do is, work on myself heavily (with help obv because of how gigantic of a task this is), take a fresh start, kinda like a child who grew up in a sect and is discovering the real world super late. Hopefully my therapist finally understands this and redirects me.
I'm a new subscriber because not only does he deliver great advice, but the way he delivers it is perfect! He uses a lot of phrasing that builds everybody up and healthily addresses problems without making anybody feel self conscious. I try to help my friends with things sometimes, but my problem is I don't have such a mastery of wording so I may come off more harsh or accidentally offend when I mean well. Lots to learn from these videos; keep up the good work!
He said that he feels like he's talking like a robot and not being fun/bubbly etc. as if that's a problem, but I think you'd be surprised how many people actually enjoy/are comfortable being around people who are more relax/laid-back and "level". It's easy to get the impression that if we're not being chatty, fun/funny, outgoing, etc. that people aren't gonna be drawn to being with us, but I've had plenty of people by now straight-up tell me that they enjoy spending time with me because I'm more chill/level and a bit quieter overall. Everyone's different, and I think there are just way more people who are drawn to that kind of personality than you might think.
35 and in process of being dx'd. Interesting that I relate to a ton of this but my issue is related to being TOO bubbly, energetic, and most of all "loud in general". I feel like I can never control the volume of my voice. The more excited I get the more amped up and loud I become, and I've been told it comes off as obnoxious and childish. So my masking is to intentionally go robotic, emotionless. This leads to feedback that I'm too short with people, always in a bad mood, and asked "why are you always angry". It's odd because I feel exactly the same but completely opposite. Good luck Robert and thank you for sharing
1. Neurotypical people never try to imagine who they'd be without their neurotypicalness. It's baked into who they are, not an added overlay. The exact same goes for neurodiverse people. We are not "people living with autism". Autism is an inexorable part of who we are. It's baked in. 2. There is nothing wrong with us. Different does not = wrong. We don't owe anything "extra" (super talents) to compensate for being different. I'm sorry Robert would prefer not to be autistic but I completely understand why he feels that way. If we're gong to imagine or wish for different circumstances I would rather Robert (all of us, really) could be exactly who he is and be appreciated; in a wiser, kinder world.
I have ADHD, and I went undiagnosed for a long time because I genuinely could not imagine thinking any other way. It doesn't help that I watched content made by other people who have ADHD as a kid, so that form of thinking was really normalized to me. Like, I'm not sure Neurotypicals even think about the process of how they think well enough to articulate it bc it's just considered the default/norm, so the only discussions about thought patterns I saw were by people with ADHD (Nigahiga), which seemed about right to me. LMAO So I never thought of my brain as different, even if I was a bit 'quirky' sometimes. But I'm an artist, so you can excuse some eccentric-ness as part of an artistic soul. Or at least, that's what I did UNTIL I started struggling to do things that seemed simple to my friends/family. When you become an adult, you get a lot of responsibilities that you never have to think about as a kid, and it was this sudden dysfunction with 'normal' adult tasks that got me to realize that it's not just the unique quirks of being an artist, but rather the mindblowing epiphany that people around me had brains structurally different from my own. It felt like I was learning that other people were seeing 2 more colors than I was, like I'd been colorblind my whole life and had never noticed until now. In that way, I really agree with the first point. We kind of 'diagnose' people on the spectrum, so it kind of feels like ADHD/Autism are mental illnesses that are separate from who we are, the way depression/anxiety are meant to be overcome because they're illnesses different from your normal baseline of thought/behavior. But my baseline is the ADHD, it's not separate from me at all, like I can't fathom thinking 'normally' any more than a neurotypical could fathom thinking on the spectrum. The only reason I got diagnosed was because society is structured around neurotypical patterns of thought, so my pattern of thinking got punished once I was expected to enter society and be productive. So like, I really agree with the second point. I never thought that something was 'wrong' with me until I was expected to do 'easy' things and got ZERO understanding when I struggled with them. Like, my family would give advice on what they thought the issue was, coming from a neurotypical perspective. I'd do the advice and feel like it did nothing, and then they'd blame me for it not working bc they have no other frame of reference for where the problem was coming from. And in a way, they're right that I was the problem for it not working bc I just literally am different from them. For these problems, I really do feel the way ADHD is a negative with no gains, like I should have something to compensate for struggling/being different. BUT I also know that in a world where ADHD is the majority pattern of thought, I would never feel this way because they would have understood me from the start, the same way ADHD subreddits/communities do. So yeah, a little understanding in the world would not be the same as being neurotypical or living in a world where being on the spectrum is the norm, but it would go a long way in helping us not feel like we're wrong/need something to compensate.
Neutorypical people are like in the matrix. Their slumber makes them perfectly fine with being comfortably numb and completely obnoxious to their own suffering. However, neurodiverse people as you call them, get to feel the pain without the artificial suffering. They have a shot at getting out of the matrix if they so wish. Being free from fear.
Wow the last few minutes was like a message from god. There's been drama at work because I'm the top sales person on the team and I get showed favoritism. I like to work from home so A LOT of the times I show up to work late, sometimes I don't even come into the office. My boss doesn't really like me working from home because it gives the rest of the team the impression that they can show up whenever they want. They feel like its messed up that I can basically do what I want and not get fired and they cant. One of my co workers pulled me to the side today so he can understand why I'm so weird and eventually I started to cry because I told him I feel like I cant trust anybody. I lost out on over $13k in commissions in the last 2 months. I passed on some of my clients to the other guys because they didn't have any. The clients I gave them wanted what we were selling so they were super easy to close. So easy to close that they became ungrateful, they didn't appreciate it at all and wanted more and more. not only that but why I feel like I cant really trust them is because my boss had a dinner and the whole team went except for me. I didnt go because most people around me just verbally hurt me or are under achievers so I prefer to be alone as much as I can but anyways, one of my co workers that ended up getting fired on Monday because he sucked told me that our boss was talking bad about me in front of everyone that day. I got really sad because I helped put money in their pockets and they cant be real with me and tell me what my boss said? They acted like nothing happened. On top of that one of my co workers took a massive dump in my toilet, it sounded like he had a beluga whale coming out of his cheeks. Clogged it, I spent around $50 in supplies trying to unclog it and it never worked. I then had to get a plumber to come do it and it was $342.87. He never made an effort to fi it or pay me back for it During the convo with my co worker today I told him how I feel like I cant trust any of them and also pretty much most people because people all my life have talked down on me behind my back and this video has helped me figure out why. Its because making fun of myself to be accepted by others is a very cheap way of being accepted. I make fun of myself to get people to like me but then that builds a relationship where the other person feels like its okay to disrespect you all the time. Dr. K basically saying this at the end has changed my perspective on how to build relationships with a solid foundation. I also make fun of myself because I don't want to outshine others too much and make them feel bad about themselves. I say stuff like "Guys you don't want to be me I have no life I just work" "I cant get girls like you guys" etc. I can feel the jealousy in the air when I close a deal so thats something I'm struggling with almost everyday as well. Thanks Dr.K for the video it has helped a lot!
🥺💔 You sound like such an admirable hard working man in need of compassion, respect, encouragement, and a hug! I hope you continue being a blessing/asset rather than a burden/liability to your employer - but first to YOURSELF! I say all this, since I feel the same a lot of the time. Perhaps first learning/exploring why you are the way you are may begin to help, since that helped me (especially learning my own personality profile on the Big 5 "OCEAN" spectrum as well as the MBTI.) I'm high in openness (empathetic), conscientiousness (organized hard working idealist), and agreeableness (value fairness) ... yet mid range extraversion (so more reclusive and reserved and detest mundane small talk) And am an "INFJ." Learning to value what makes me different, while aware of what such differences are weaknesses, is humbling. Funny enough I'm in a workplace where I constantly either doubt myself or grow annoyed and exhausted of all of the solipsistic extroverts. So my encouragement to you is the encouragement I've been seeking for myself that YOU are a free agent, no matter if you're a W-2 employee or a 1099 independent contractor. Your employer and coworkers are NOT your family. Careful who you open up to- especially at work. Because when they no longer see your value: it goes from "we're a family," to "it's just business." So you giving easy closes to people who didn't work for them and to where now you resent them means you definitely need to hone your own DISAGREEABLENESS and never give away sales again. Just keep being top dog and if they finally see that you are an expert to learn from rather than one to envy or gossip about: teach them how to fish rather than give them the fish! Also keep your resume up to date, and especially with how you've "improved X by Y%" and always be interviewing at other places because who knows you not only will get a higher pay raise, but may just end up being a better environment! YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!
Omg, I hope you never give away clients and commissions like that again! It sounds like you learned from that mistake, though, right? I'm so sorry. I just hate injustice so much! Don't look for friends at work. You can find them elsewhere. You didn't say you're autistic but if you are you'll have better chances among other autistics for friendship. Work from home as much as possible and fuck the losers at the office. Work is for making money. Period. Their resentment is their problem. Forget the idea of them ever being your friends. They're definitely neither worthy nor capable. Never ever feel bad for being good at your job! It sounds like you thought if you give some of what you're good at away they'd feel obligated to pay you back with social clout. You probably know better than anyone how much an imaginary contract is worth. You sound like a great person, but a vulnerable one, too. I hope there are some supportive people in your life. A therapist could be helpful if you can find a good one. Edited for spelling.
@@jessitabonita Thanks! When I read your comment I was thinking you sound so much like me! Lol! I mean, I too call bs on the "work is family" thing and a lot of other capitalist mindfuckery. Have you seen Joshua Fluke on RUclips? You'd probably appreciate his channel in a cathartic way. I've been using that saying for years; "You teach people how to treat you" and also Maya Angelo's "When people show you who they are believe them the first time". I've found MBTI and Jungian cognitive function theory extremely useful for understanding myself and others. I'm a rare type too. I'm INTP. I believe your type (INFJ) is the rarest, if I'm not mistaken. I'm not as impressed with the big 5. It's okay but it doesn't come close to MBTI's level of depth and nuance.
I have no words to muster that could be anywhere near as powerful to help you. But I do have to say, that your situation has me baffled and appalled.. Such a heavy burden, I truly wish I could lift it from your shoulders. I noticed in your behavior and thought process that I suffer something similar myself... I wish you luck in your endeavors and a happy future.
This guy is beating himself for nothing. His voice and his articulation is brilliant. The only thing: he is focusing way too much on his weaknesses. 'you bring a lot to the table' 'you mean it gets better than this?' I hope he hears this one again.
My answer in regards to being fired for being autistic; Most employers are split down between not caring about the personality of their workers or being weirdly obsessed with it. It feels like there's no gray area; Either it's all they think about or it doesn't even enter their mind to care about it. And I would personally much rather work with people who don't care about my personality than people who care intensely about how I present myself. Fuck that noise, I'm 30, I'm both too young and too old for cults like that. I've always told my employer I'm autistic into my third talk with my manager, though sometimes I lead with it. If a manager gets weird about how I'm autistic or tries to show off their virtue for helping me, I'm out. I can't work like that.
How do you handle job interviews? Is it pretty much like having to mask in front of them? Early 20s and I’ve only done a couple. I get hired but I just feel so bad at them. I mean being bad at interviews is not exclusive to some folks on the spectrum, but I feel like my traits do affect the way I do them.
@@REChronic54 I know this sounds weird, but I love job interviews. It's something you can study for. There's a system calls the STARR method, in which you recall situations and how you reacted to them and what you've since done on reflection to that situation. I was a singer when I was really young, which means that I got to be on stage by the time I was 6 or something. Of course, I do get stage fright like anyone does, but not as much or as strongly. I'm also a public speaker. And that's the thing about being used to being on stage; I can own and control the stage. Nobody can interrupt me or make me feel self-conscious, but it's just me and the audience. Ironically, an audience is much more predictable than individuals. But I transfer a lot of those stage skills into interviews. I'm ready to bomb hard. It's when I get into longer relationships stuff that I get nervous. There's an advice called "Go for no". Basically, go to an interview on the assumption that you're going to be rejected, but selling it well regardless. It's how I aced my driving license; I just assumed I was going to fail, meditated, took a long time to warm up and then just focused on driving and driving well, rather than worrying about whether I was going to succeed or fail.
i just realized that the eyecontact thing is why i became friends with people sitting next to me in class or people that i played videogames with. looking forward at something and just talking that way so they can see the smart and funny me, not the awkward shutting-down-because-of-eyecontact me.
It’s also why I used to love Xbox live with my mates, I was truly happy, every single evening would be laughs n wasn’t exhausting on bit EVER, now I’m older I realised why I loved it so much (no masking/eye contact etc.) but now they’ve grown n moved on it pains me to feel like a child still, as if I’m still an infant socially :(
I was diagnosed with Autism later in life (Age 38), and I had several thoughts that might be of interest to Robert. On the friend group in the beginning that was popular but treated him poorly, I think "transactional with high costs" was more of what he seemed to be getting at rather than co-dependent. I think people of all sorts can find themselves in these interactions, such as in workplaces with high levels of office politics, or the stereotypical fakeness associated with Hollywood and entertainment professions. He mentioned that he was unable to properly mask his autism without becoming boring and uninteresting. While not necessarily a solution, there might be some comfort in knowing that it doesn't really help much or work out very well when you are able to master this ability anyhow. From personal experience it can cause you to buy into your own facade and unfortunately as you age and you lose some of the mental dexterity and speed of youth, you are unable to facilitate the effort required to mask and also still do all the other mental tasks required to be a productive adult. This can set you up for an epic crisis and I believe is the core component to those who are able to blend in until their 30s or 40s and then go through Autistic Burnout. I have additional thoughts in relation to revealing having autism in a work contexts, but I wouldn't want to express them in this format. I'd be happy to expound if Robert or anyone else is interested.
I have a mixed response to this. I'm both ADHD and Autistic and I was late diagnosed at 35 (3 years ago), but I've had the same experiences as the caller growing up and even to now. But the only thing that has helped a little is embracing that identity because it's not something that can be extricated from my core personhood. It's not just simply bullying, it's ABLEISM and it is highly traumatizing. It's so isolating.
As someone who grew up with ADD undiagnosed i always just felt invisible and like a spectator.. so never felt like a character but maybe more like a useless NPC lol.
@@menamgamg That's understandable and is probably more common. Maybe since I would use jokes as a communication method I played myself into the clown role, 🤷🏿♀️. I was never taken serious as a result, but I was heard if I "did the funny stuff". Started being seriously and speaking up for myself, all of my "friends" feel off the face of the earth.
WOW with friends like that, you don't need enemies :/ Happened to me too in highschool, don't worry, don't ruminate. You sound perfectly intelligent and quite eloquent and self conscious too. Things will get better, you'll see.
I relate to feeling like a robot when speaking to people. I cultivated a deadpan persona in school because people seemed to find it funny, but I felt like I couldn't stop, and that hindered my socialising. People just saw me as the 'funny loner', and I sort of embraced it. It's been hard to break out of that and at first felt really cringy to emote to people, and I still find it a little annoying when people are very emotionally open and 'bubbly', but I recently spent the weekend chatting to new people and laughing a bunch with others and it felt like something to be proud of.
I noticed Dr K. smiled when Robert said: “Let me think for a second”, when asked about how he felt about being authistic. I wonder what happened, if he detected something interesting. Perhaps mirroring?
nah because he thought he caught him the reason as to why he has difficulty making friends at the moment; because he feels that his autistic is a shameful aspect of himself. :)
My father is autistic, my partner is autistic, my son is autistic and I have adhd with autistic traits. Most of my friends are on the spectrum. I have found that there is little to no communication barrier between autists when compared to autist-allistic conversation. Part of the difficulty in accepting this is the internalised ableism we often feel. Until we can feel comfortable in ourselves, it's pretty common to see 'not hanging around with the nerds' as the ultimate acceptance and success. Actually... this often ends when we hang out with the popular kids and find no real satisfaction there due to watery conversations (if you pretend to have the same interests and behaviours, the conversations will feel watery and fake) and repeated hurt feelings on both sides. It's perfectly possible to have really meaningful friendships with both autistic people and allistic people, but having a particular social group as a 'goal' that signifies 'success' is really where it all falls apart and the self-hatred and really unhealthy sort of masking can kick in.
This really is what I needed. I can relate to so many things wow.. Now I feel motivated to actually meet some new people. I'm also feeling very lonely at the moment, cause of the same reasons basically, most time of my life I felt like this (and still feel like this). I just have to keeping trying.. Also I feel motivated to spread more autism awareness on social media now, cause we really need this, I hope it will become easier one day.. I think it's so sad and depressing that often it's like autism = feeling incredibly lonely, we have to try to change it. Also to Robert if you read this.. I promise to you, once you feel really comfortable to someone, you can be a lot more like yourself and automatically become more "bubbly" (open). Keep trying you will find these people, I speak from experience. You're a really really cool and nice guy that many people want as a friend.
me too bro. this video widened my eye to something i was already kind of looking at. ive just always thought of the extreme cases of autism so ive never really considered it. this video has made alot of things make sense to me.
Got diagnosed recently at 22 because my parents refused to ever acknowledge that anything could possibly be wrong with me growing up (they’re the type to deny that mental health issues could ever affect *their* son). This video really hit home in a lot of ways, from the difficulty making friends without masking to the “friends” I made later in life using me for their own humor/ benefit and my obliviousness getting in the way. In my case, because I didn’t know I was on the spectrum, I never learned to mask until waaaay later in my life, and it made it all the more obvious for people to notice. It didn’t help that my folks would find any excuse to blame me for struggling socially, even calling me “socially maladjusted” at times because, apparently, being introverted as a result of being bullied is the reason I was being bullied or something. I feel like an alien sometimes because I just don’t understand people most of the time, and like the video said, it feels like I’m either forcing a “neutral” state that comes off as flat, or dialing the humor up to 11 to compensate for not understanding how to interact otherwise.
I love this, I relate to parts and envy the guest's self awareness and is able to articulate himself so well. I really hope he finds some real friends and is able to be himself and accept the limitations we all have. everyone gets dealt a hand, some are worse than others.
TLDR: What a talk. Team Robert all the way. Very human and trying to take this seriously so not to fallback on people pleasing, he's done great work. Societies don't understand psychology terms so with only stereotypes as reference, they cause stacked emotional damage. Forgive if I'm misreading, kind and a light who wants to bring happiness Robert. I heard a lecture and Dr. Nick Bendit was discussing Self Hate. Difficult eye contact to not be seen and quick to acknowledge criticisms yet can't intake true positive statements. So I noticed the similarities. Usually that stems from harsh family units. I think Robert's social peers are the one's who did that kind of damage here. Stereotypes a harmful party which hampers human's social bonding needs in life. Dr. K did mention how kids can be mean effers. Thanks for time, gotta walk off this brain dump. Wonderfully human and honest talk. Source- RUclips. Owl Talks - Self Hatred in Psychotherapy: one of the most difficult things to treat." ANZAP conference 2018.
Autistic eye contact avoidance is rooted in neurology and not the same and should not be equated with self-hatred or shame. While the spirit of the attempt is appreciated, sometimes the truth is you won't be able to relate or imagine what it's like for us. We have the exact same difficulties understanding neurotypicals. The empathy problem is truly a two-way street.
I hate the amount of shame society tries to impose on people who have few to no friends & no romantic partners. This is EXACTLY why we settle for people who have ZERO interest in getting to know us & actively make it known that they merely tolerate you because they pity your solitude. There’s literally nothing shameful in choosing a healthy relationship with yourself. Who cares that you never got laid? Never got a kiss? Don’t have a friend to call? IT’S OKAY!
@@TheIgisas it just makes me mad that we’re collectively expected to waste our time on fake friendships & relationships just to say “hey I promise I’m not a threat to society! See these 3 fake friends and this boyfriend who hates my guts? I’m one of you guys! Please accept me!”
@@Dimitris_Half true but it’s arguably worse being around people who make you feel alone. I see it as a transition state. To change your social environment to something healthier, you might have to cross a desert.
@@Dimitris_Half it is fantastic and enriching to have great friends & a lover. However, if your picker has been off all your life, then you have accumulated a group of toxic people. After getting rid of them, it takes a while to unlearn your own enabling traits, beliefs etc and allowing toxic people in again would be an obstacle. So in order to cultivate HEALTHY relationships, you first have to find peace with your own shameless solitude, otherwise you will cling to & suffocate any new person you meet.
I never ever in my life thought I would see someone who has been through and felt the exact way I have been feeling. It feels like Dr K is directly talking to me in this video.
wow, Robert looks like a chimera between my brother and me. We are both autistic and he has ADHD. Plus, he is on highschool. My brother is suffering with this mask mostly alone, since he loses so much his train of thought every time he tries to explain anything about his experience to me or anyone else(he said he feels very comfortable around me, like noone else, even his therapist). Hopefully this video can put some words on his mouth to help on this situation.
Getting fired or getting discriminated against is also why I avoid telling anyone of my disabilities. As I've been discriminated against in the past often enough because of my disabilities and because I used to not be as good at masking/hiding my disabilities. So I understand his fear,
I'm an aspie, and I've been struggling to make friends since I was in elementary school. I'm now a junior in highschool, I've never been in any friend groups, or had any strong contacts with people who got along with me. Ever since I was 7, I started thinking why I never got any friends, so I shook it off and told myself that's what I was "meant to be." Soon in my life afterwards, I thought I was meant to help other people, and to make the world a better place somehow. Keep in mind that I was always in my own head, causing me to grow a blank expression at any time. I knew I had ADHD and ADD, and that alone caused me to think down of myself because I wasn't "normal." Since I became a freshman, I started exploring myself deeper, and couldn't find out why I wasn't like anyone else, and started becoming more self-aware. I regretted my obsession to act normal. Since then, my self-awareness grew incredibly high, and from then on, after the pandemic, I had a "jolt" of observational skills, logical reasoning, and abnormal creativity. I grew a deep, unnerving fear of people and their thoughts of me. Do they think I'm stupid? Do they think I can't work by myself? Do they know I can't do some things they can and etcetera? Why hasn't anybody approached me yet? These thoughts haunt me in my daily life. Please, you don't have to be friends with us of you don't want to. But please, help them feel comfortable with themselves. Autistic people can't control their mental and social diversity, don't be a bystander.
About getting fired for having autism: In the US, if you disclose such conditions from the beginning (it is considered a disability under legal definitions), it is illegal for them to terminate your employment due to your "disability" in whole or part. Though they may give you another reason, if you suspect they did it because of your "disability," you can take them to court. Of course if you can gather any evidence of it (emails or memos where someone, especially a manager, may have denigrated you for it, or any write ups where they punish you for behaviors that can be attributed to your "disability" for example) is really strong in court. Hell, even if they don't fire you and you still have this evidence you can still take them to court over it. Of course in this sort of thing consult a lawyer. Because the payout can be huge for you and your lawyer, most will be willing to give you a free consultation on the matter.
32:50 Prefacing this by saying that I relate 100% to what Robert said during the discussion and I suspect I'm ND myself, though not formally diagnosed. I feel like it's easier for me to have conversation in the context of a 'professional visit' or consultation like therapy because there are more clear guidelines for the interaction. I have a strong idea of what will happen and the expectation for my response is quite clear. This makes it a lot easier to reduce masking intensity and it doesn't come with the accompanying apprehension of negative emotional reaction or rejection from the person with whom I'm speaking. I.E. I'm not worried that the therapist is going to end the conversation, leave the room, or have an emotional outburst if I say something that is not acceptable by common 'social guidelines.' They have a clearly defined role of "there to help me, without demanding anything of me," which is a dynamic I rarely experience outside of that context -and, it's not one I would assume with an unfamiliar person or even an acquaintance. This is a long way of saying that I act differently in this type of social situation than I would in others. It makes me feel more relaxed and it's easier to be authentic. I have confidence that my genuine self-expression won't be misunderstood or misconstrued and result in some negative consequence, despite having no negative underlying intentions. I think, if Robert felt a similar way, then that's why he was somewhat off-put by Dr. K's assessment and said it was "formal."
34:28 Similarly, I feel like a lot of people these days pre-argue online. It's all too common that people tell me what I'm thinking and attack me based on that when I haven't suggested anything like their assumptions
Jobs and disorders that affect forming and maintaining social relationship can affect your work life negatively since workplaces can be incredibely social environments, and/or social interactions can very much affect your stress levels and performance. There is, unfortunately, no possiblity to get a job that does not imply at least a small amount of relationships to maintain. That being said, as neurodivergent people are really diverse, the thing that one has to do is find such a field, and such a company, that does not constantly demand of you your least developed qualities. And that advice is an advice that applies just as much to neurotypical people, so there isn't much of a difference if you know the weaknesses and strengths that your situation bestowed upon you. I find working remotely much more socially accepting than working at the office. That isn't because I don't interact with people - my job quite literally revolves around maintaining client relationships. It's because remote contact is incredibely easy and comfortable to me - no matter if it's a chat or a call, or a video call. In person - not so much. But that's me, another person might be struggling with the reverse problem, and they should find an appropriate job. Another person might be struggling with something entirely different, like the guy in the video - the same advice applies. Every quality of yours can be an advantage in one place and a disadvantage in another. Incredibely social people might seem like having a great advantage, but you won't find me surprised when they get fired from a very easy to do job cause they were too busy networking instead of doing what they applied to be doing.
Since I was a kid. I was always different from my peers. I always got called mature for my age. I never felt mature. I felt different. I felt confused on why I was different. I never knew how to keep friendships. My definition of a friend is so skewed too. I was completely okay being alone and yet I hated it at the same time. I wish I could enjoy being with others. It’s like I have to fake being a normal person to get people to like me. I’m 19. I have my suspicions about me having autism. I’ve always been an emotional kid and now guy. I always was either too emotional for everything. Now it seems I am starting to lose that. But I don’t like that. I don’t get people most of the time. Well I get the actions, but not the why. I feel lonely even with people. I feel left out. I’m rambling on a RUclips video but idk. I wish I could be a normal human who doesn’t have to put on an act for someone to like them. I never feel myself. I feel like an actor
I remember growing up like this but I score really low on the autism scale, I mean this, like I've been tested and scored low with therapists, but then I've had therapists tell me "go get checked for autism".
when I say score low I'm saying like 3 /100 like I don't know if I'm just really good at faking being normal or what, but I feel like when I take the tests, I am being dishonest, I'm not sure though lol.
Yeah that’s the thing I’m afraid of and is why I’m hesitant to get checked. I don’t even know what I have. What if I could have autism but have something else that’s mostly affecting me like trauma, depression, etc. I just don’t know where to start.
Are you coming off as socially awkward or something? Are you perhaps low in empathy? Maybe they are misreading it. Id look for Videos like "how i find out im autistic" etc to see if it clicks But sometimes doctors are just wrong
I think alot of people relate to this, but don't be quick to just assume you have autism, ADHD, etc. Sometimes your just in a rough place in life, sometimes you are just experiencing a tough situation. It's very easy to walk away from videos like these with a complex. Drink water, go excercise, get some sun, stop doing drugs, and start trying to get involved with the world. BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
To those experiencing something similar, I only have one thing to say to you guys: Why fit in when you were born to stand out? Embrace your differences and be who you are. You'll eventually run into people that won't make fun of you for who you are, and those are what we called real friends, because they accept you for who you are and help you through your differences. Cut the toxic people out and move forward in your life. It may be hard at times, but this is what make you grow as a person in the long term too. Don't settle for the wrong group just so you can fit in. Remember that you first have to embrace yourself and your own flaws before others can embrace you. If you hate yourself deep down, then it will brush that off to those around you. It's very obvious to people when you're faking it, especially if it's something you can't relate or have a natural reaction to.
i just wanna say that not everyone is comfy with eye contact, i've got a friend who says it's considered impolite in his culture to "stare down" the other person - so I just got used to not look at them constantly while talking. I don't mind at all. But they actually told me. So sometimes communication is necessary yk. Oh and RIGHT after I wrote this, he's saying it's not about that - but about the hurdle. Okay. Valid point.
I wore a mask my entire life. I was very subdued and didn’t let myself out and felt like nobody knew me. I made a friend in my 20s and she is genuinely my best friend who knew me. I’ve since taken the mask off and even if people found me weird it didn’t matter. Bring me filters out the people who don’t accept me.
I swear Neurotypicals have such high expectations from NDs. This poor dude is talking perfectly normal(maybe even better than some NTs out there) and he's been bullied into thinking he's weird.
The best way I learned how to feel safe with eye contact... Is it's like dipping my toes into a pool. EVERY new social interaction I have, even if I've already been friends with the person for a long time... I always look for a half second in their eyes, then look away. That eye contact usually happens briefly when we first meet up. Within the next 30 seconds to 2 minutes of them talking to me, I look again but this time for a few seconds, and I try to tie in my eye contact with something that I'm saying. Then from that point, I practice giving steady eye contact while listening -- it feels less awkward if I NOD while listening and giving eye contact -- and then I break that eye contact whenever I need to think or stim by looking at other things while listening to the person speak. (So like, a quick peak when we meet up, a short eye contact when convo starts, and practicing steady eye contact while listening - nodding helps)
Considering the topic has to do with masking and difficulties showing ones true self around people, one of the comments from Dr.K ("it gets better than this?") felt a bit strange. I'm sure it was meant as general encouragement and interest in Robert as a person. However (considering the topic), the comment might reinforce and encourage masking in order to be perceived as "better". As in "Your bubbly/funny mask must be better than the one you're currently presenting". I might have misunderstood the context, and I'm usually overthinking things. Furthermore, I do not think Dr.K meant any harm with his comment. This is more a general warning not to phrase different masks or intensities of masking as 'better' than the other as its might reinforce masking in general.
I had the same thought. There were some other moments where he missed the mark a bit, too. Dr K clearly means well but I really wish he reflected more of the wisdom available within the autistic self-advocacy movement. Professionals who propose to help us really need to learn more about us *from us* or they will continue missing the mark. The misunderstandings may appear small on the surface but they run deep in fundamental ways that are significantly impactful to our wellbeing. Neurotypicals struggle to understand us every bit as much as we struggle to understand them.
Robert, 100% you will get a social group. I have faith in you, im autistic myself and you are a really cool guy, you can speak very well. You know urself, people will love that. Also that ur coworkers started to say hello is a hella good sign, if they knew u were autistic and didnt like you they wudnt do that i geus.
The people who don't treat you shitty... they are the good people, like thoose kind of people enjoys hanging out with you and don't play games with you.... like what do you even expect me to say
I’m 26 & I just found out i’m likely autistic, still need a diagnosis but i feel like i have no time, & now i wonder if i was lucky to not be diagnosed? But i was socially outcast & had no way to explain it so idk. I sympathize
I think a diagnosis is ultimately helpful - you still get to decide whether you tell anyone about it, and having no way to explain why you always seem to suck in social situations and why you can't ever seem to quite fit in is so damn exhausting and depressing. Being diagnosed, or even just recognizing that you likely are autistic, suddenly lets you know why. That doesn't neccessarily make it easy, but it gets you a whole lot closer to accepting yourself as you are, and not accepting yourself as you are is such an enormous hindrance on its own in relationships. Who wants to be close friends or romantic with someone who's clearly not at ease with themselves? How could you feel close to someone who can't truly reveal themselves to you? At least that's how it felt for me.
@@ska042 yes, it has made having some of my relationships a lot easier. Some of my family has tried to tell me it isn’t so, but it also put into perspective some of my friendships that ended at one point or another. & now I can see myself when i’m masking, I understand that I don’t need to try so hard to be what i’m not
@@jatelitherius9842Personally I've always hidden behind a mask of raw competence in some subject area and always seeked out niches, communities, positions where that competence would carry me far. That has helped me a lot, looking back it was always my way to fit in, but it's not without its downsides. I always felt very confident in areas where I could fall back on that feeling of being competent at something, I could even be pretty social by connecting with people over those topics and helping people out in those areas. The downside was that I used it to paper over a severe lack of self-confidence in social skills and handling romantic relationships, which lead to me having my first long term relationship only in my late twenties. Before that I had a few one night stands almost by "accident" (being approached, not approaching anyone), but quickly stopped that since I found out sex without emotional connection just felt extremely unfulfilling to me.
Robert has a very beautiful voice, truth be told. No, not the accent. The voice. I always feel that i should understand autism more than I do. It might be the one item in the DSM which is commonly diagnosed which, for the life of me, i can't quite wrap my head around. Oddly enough, this might be because I can relate to them in some specific ways - enough to have a "So, how's this a problem?" reaction. (I have ADHD)
wow, this guy and I are very similar. Ive gone through a similar journey but I have been lucky enough to get help and therapy so I can function and pass as normal. One thing that really helps is looking right above somones eyes at their eyebrows. From any normal distance the person you are looking at is unable to tell, and my friends who I tell them that ive done this freak out because they never notice.
I don’t view “masks” as a bad thing. I believe theirs multiple sides to our personalities and not all of it gets expressed with one single personality. That’s why we love art, because we can live through the media and take on a new perspective. It can become exhausting to always portray yourself as the person everyone thinks you are, playing your own character.
Its not a bad thing if its voluntary. Of course the way you'd speak to a customer at work, an older family member, waiting staff etc. is going to be a bit different than how you you'd be with a friend, however - me included have a mask where we dont know whats underneath or afraid of it. Its something trained from a young age and it feels exhausting to hold up.
Thank you dr. K for bringing awarenesd of the social reality with people on the spectrum. I had no idea how cruelsome it can be to be defined by a tag instead of others treating it as part of you. I think this is a very core thought for people with disabilities in general, who are treated similar. And my first thought is that this might be one of the track of thoughts for People with low self esteem As they themselves start to define themselves with a made up disability or reason why others are better then them. Thank you for the invaluable value
The thing is, the low self esteem doesn't go away if you don't have a label, if anything it's worse. If you're not diagnosed and don't suspect you might be autistic, you'll just keep agonizing about why you can't function socially and form connections in the same way as other people, which is super depressing and harmful to self esteem.
I feel like I've been incredibly fortunate, because in a way, I've been in groups where I was the odd one out because I wasn't autistic enough. Everyone was playing up to their autism with random humor things and that wasn't something I related to. I was more emotionally available, which weirded them out in turn and eventually they asked me to leave. The thing is, the situation was exactly the same as Robert's but reverse across everything except one dimension: I felt like these were my people, so if I was no longer accepted, I'd be on my own. I met another group of autistic people fairly quickly who were much more my speed and I'm friends with them to this day. I also hide my autism, but for kind of the opposite reason; I've never been good at playing the clown in a group of clowns and I highly dislike that dynamic.
I personally don't get the "between the nose" and "eyebrows" thing given their eyes are still well in sight (attention-wise) and you'll still get overwhelmed by your brain involuntarily trying to analyze their expressions. Maybe it works for some, but I haven't been able to do it successfully. Looking away every second or two has still been by go-to.
@@Tocinos You could also try communicating that with them. But regardless, good way (for both of you) to filter out each other since you can't respect their communication deficiency and talk without/in-spite-of it.
He says he's not intelligent but just a few minutes in, you can tell how articulate and self-aware he is. I think he's really underestimating himself. Shame what he went through.
I know huh?
That was my thought too. He’s done his homework. He has emotional awareness and communication skills that exceed many neurotypicals
That's how masking works. A lot of your bandwidth is dedicated to appearing articulate and self-aware, but that means that you don't necessarily have bandwidth for something else that doesn't serve to preserve the illusion. A lot like what Dr. K explained about ADHD, where you can feign paying attention by being skilled at picking up context cues that you look like you were paying attention.
I'm not saying that he's unintelligent, but it's important to acknowledge that he feels less intelligent and that probably expresses itself in certain fields and, quite frankly, it's OK to be unfamiliar with something and that is part of how Robert can grow. Accepting not knowing how a thing works and just enthusiastically asking for an explanation. That helps me a lot.
happens a lot. its more about being able to communicate it in any given situation and being around others in person is a lot different than speaking to people about things you have prepared yourself to speak about over a call. also probably effected a bit more by different environments than most people are because its likely harder for him to think well in an environment with lots of stimulation
Must be exhausting af to mask all the time. Respect.
>Take the mask off
>Lose most "friends"
>Realize the "friends" were a one-way relationship where they relied on you for socializing, therapy, etc who have zero interest in doing the same for others
>Now lonely, but at least genuine
It just hurts because "wearing the mask" is already an exhausting effort in itself, but then people rely on you for things they would never give in return. It's just one-sided burdens on top of burdens. I'll be civil and polite to peers, but I won't call someone a friend anymore unless they actually are one.
Yeah...
story of my life
@@maryg9218 I'm sorry... It sucks and it's awful...
Sorry to hear you've gone through this mate. Wishing you well, and earnest bonds with good people soon. Remember, you deserve real friendship like that.
@@GSPV33 What's funny this person is not alone
I now use "is it okay if I take a minute to form my thoughts" as a parenting technique, when it's a difficult moment and I need to come up with the right solution. I say it differently, something like "daddy needs to be quiet for a minute to think." But wow what a radically awesome approach to interacting with people in a caring way. It can make a huge difference.
That's so great
weak
@@Edsonsaurio what's your definition of strength?
"I tried to be normal and in turn I seemed really weird"
I realize this when I was younger. Normal is the weirdest you can be
Right???
Also, "normal" isn't even a realistic standard for a way to act, because different social groups expect something different to each other, and "weird" can be "normal" for another group.
I think simply being yourself in a conversation is probably enough to be "normal," unless it's a professional setting or something, then of course some sort of social acting is expected.
Normal ≠ Natural
"normal" is more like unreadable. They can read your true self somewhat, with enough effort and experience. Your fake self might hide anything.
Weird is normal❤
In high school it really upset me when people had that "token friend" because it was those same people who laughed at my friends, myself, and my friends on the spectrum. I myself am not on the spectrum, but when I was younger with extreme ADHD, the friends I made who were on the spectrum were honestly a blessing. I hope things get better for you Robert.
Our spectral brethren
Why do i find so many of these conversations so relatable, especially this one everything from the start has been so similar to my story. I have been weird, tried to make friends by making them laugh at me or cracking jokes at my own expense. I have been competitive for being liked and always felt that nobody has ever liked me for real.
Almost every one or other video has felt something i can relate and understand ky own problems from.
My thoughts You mentioned
I guess the answer is
welcome to humanity , here we all experience the same feelings at different stages and on different levels with a different amount of awareness
The algorithm and similarities you have to this content. I never relate to anything but still get recommended his channel cause some of the click bait titles are really good so I click them.
Exactly dude I do the same thing.
@@mohamedkamel551 I completely agree, welcome to life. I guarantee you are not the only one struggling. Just don't label yourself and do the best you can.
Thank you Robert for sharing your experience! I could relate to this video a lot. I got my autism diagnosis only at age 24. I've unknowingly been masking my entire life. I made zero friends during my time at university, and I felt isolated and anxious all the time. Since my diagnosis I've been going to therapy, started antidepressant medication, started meditating and journalling... so now I'm slowly rebuilding my own identity and learning to be more social.
Hope You will find some friends who accepts You.
I only got my diagnosis at eighteen, after high school burnout and an unsupported transition into university led me to mental illness first. I had friends in high school (teenagers), but adults always felt like a whole other kettle of fish to me and my social anxiety is still so severe that I can't take off the mask in front of other people without feeling like breaking down crying or freezing up. I've learned to take off the mask at home over a couple pf years, but it's still such a fragile state that when the perceived demands of the real world cone into the equation, my self-acceptence shatters and the mask comes on virtually automatically, like I can feel the mental shift of faking it-slipping into a different mental gear-but can't control it, or bring myself back into a feeling of self-connection in that context. It was so routine to have the mask in social contexts (and not knowing I wasn't the mask) that the reflex of wearing it just takes over.
Lucky u.. I still can't afford therapy at 31 due to the lack of jobs here and ppl certainly don't help at all,especially my parents. I hate the world..
holy shiiiiiiiit bro i havent been diagnosed, but ive always had symptoms. and just like you this is soooo relatable.
How are you doing now, Niel?
61 recently diagnosed and his story was often my story, and now sorting out masking, and the toll it takes with fatigue.
Thanks for bringing Robert’s story and thanks to Robert for sharing.
Yeah it's amazing how good this session was
Recently diagnosed with what? As autistic?
I'm 50 and also recently diagnosed! I have had the exact experience as Robert!
I always thought you couldn’t diagnose beyond childhood. I’m glad they’re changing this.
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear that you had to live through fifty years of that, and it's awesome that you're learning to deal with it now.
Your comment makes me grateful for having autism, and not having had such a bad experience with it as I have always been myself unapologetically, and people seem to like me for it
honestly he sounds like a delightful person to be around, i hate that he was made to feel that way, but i do understand 🥺
i hope he can get past his fears and insecurities and show the world his unfiltered self
My husband and son have autism. He always thought he was too dry and he's attracted to my adhd bubbliness (not always bubbly...but it happens sometimes lol)
im attracted to his calm presence. I feel safe with him, im in awe of his intelligence and how his mind works, and i know hes an absolute sweetheart and very gifted at knowing when i need a hug, etc. He has his struggles, which i learn about and do what i can to support him, and he does the same for me with mine.
He also understands our little guy on a level i could never...so hes helped me become a better mother, even if he cant bring himself to do too much with our son (they have opposite sensory issues, my son is sensory seeking, hes sensory avoidant so engaging with him too long is extremely overwhelming) regardless, hes a massively important presence and enhances our lives with his insight everyday.
All this to say, attributes you may find to be dull, or not that important, are and can be incredibly valuable In friendships, relationships and parenthood.
Funny thing is I feel sort of opposite about most small talk. For me it’s a lot easier because I know it’s not deep and most of the time it’s an automatic thing people do. So I know it’ll end eventually. It’s the constant social interaction that kills me and prevents me from forming relationships and keeping jobs. I can make stupid small talk for like 5 mins but if I have to talk longer than that or have to interact with people everyday, it just makes me very anxious.
Relatable, but most people can take on much more than that and I just can't, and I know how that kills a potential friendship but more than a couple minutes and I've already depleted my social energy
My heart goes out to this guy
Indeed...
bro i know im 3 weeks late here and you didn't ask for this, but i feel the need to put this somewhere but making a comment wont get attention lol
ive had signs of autism when i was in kindergarden (didnt talk, no eye contact). if i do have it as of now, its probably very mild
watching this im seeing all these things which are the EXACT same to my current scenario, instead of being autistic (not diagnosed) i would just be labelled as stupid or whatever idk. i havent had it as bad as robert, only the past couple of years id say, not my childhood, i think.. and id like to say im a nice/funny/emotionally intelligent person like robert. he lowkey seems like another version of me. when i have thought of autism ive just thought of the extreme cases.
cried alot watching this :o everything makes more sense now...
and to think i was going to get therapy 1 hour for $230, i can get this for free and it's better because its dr. k
My mask has grown so strong.
Instead of fearing people thinking I'm aloof and angry and don't like people, I've identified with those thoughts so much that I legitimately believe I don't want to see another human being ever again
Instead of fearing that people will reject me, I've rejected the world.
Maybe that's why I have constant derealization
I have similar pattern. Its like I no longer know how to connect with people. Its just like that.
hru now?
Instead of fearing that people will reject me, I've rejected the world.
What a quote.
@@AnoAno777 Ive mostly grown past it but I still keep to myself
I don't automatically reject the world now though
@@monajandali3489 better
What a well spoken, intelligent, careful person. It’s interesting how I view him versus how he views himself. I’d be your friend mate.
I recognise Robert's demeanor I think a lot of people must secretly live with this kind of situation. I also think he's right about finding the right workplace, because there are plenty of understanding bosses and potential colleagues, but there are also places with the opposite atmosphere where you aren't safe to share your weaknesses, and where bullying is rife and not addressed properly.
I'm yet to be thoroughly diagnosed, but autism is on the table for me these days and has been for some time let's put it that way. When I was in school I was easy going, naturally funny and naturally abnormal and had a happy time, but that did sometimes lead to certain members of a friend group treating me with less respect than is appreciated. His preparedness and thoroughness and self-awareness on the subject is something I relate to a lot, but I'm still a little roadblocked from support and progression.
"there are also places (workplaces) with the opposite atmosphere where you aren't safe to share your weaknesses, and where bullying is rife." Sadly very true. There are a lot of toxic workplaces out there unfortunately. Discovered this the hard way after experiencing back to back abuse from former bosses.
Finding the right workplace, job/ career is absolutely crucial IMO.
Robert's story in the beginning really resonated with me. It sucks when people reduce your entire identity to one single aspect and put you in a box you can't get out of. Ive never been diagnosed but definitely labeled as the weird kid that no one takes seriously- just around to laugh at.
Same especially with him putting on a mask which I’ve done for my entire life even with my family so I relate so much with this
Yeeep. And then making your personality more "flat" to not stand out and stop the bullying, but then having literally no personality to speak of bcs of masking so hard and that being the new issue. Developed BPD because of it and only over the past 5 years finally started to re-learn who I am. It's difficult but it's so worth it to start being genuine again.
Exactly why I don't even tell people about my diagnosis unless im already friendly with the person. It's not worth being made fun of for something I didn't intentionally give myself and have only a certain layer of control on.
@@scoutbane1651 when I overcompensate and come across flat everyone and their grandma will point it out which defeats the purpose of masking. I can't even mask properly lol
Same
34:20 Super important. Literally you are your own worst enemy. Your anxiety tells you your worst fear is likely to happen and it stops you from doing what you'd want. I realized in high school that embarrassment only exists inside your own mind. If you don't perceive a situation as embarrassing, then it's not. It's really that simple. Mind over matter
Yeah...
This one is interesting for sure. Robert's story is very relatable and related to today. I appreciate Healthy talking about it as well. Because this is fascinating.
I was vomiting from the stress of masking to work a retail job. The moment the mask came down I'd get told off or coworkers would start to worry about me. In the end I had to quit because they wouldn't make adjustments for me and kinda treated me like crap when I asked for those adjustments to be made. I'm so glad I did, but now, I have to work extra hard to make a special interest of mine into a career- it feels like I have to tread such a niche path just to exist.
Yeah the stomach aches and nearly vomiting when I know I have to mask heavily soon. Tbh it feels so terrible it makes me think about not living anymore.
Hope you’re well, I had this issue but since taking ashwaganda those stomach drop anxiety feelings are COMPLETELY gone and once they go you’ll realise how much anxiety is further created from that stomach drop feeling, it’s a calm tranquil feeling instead.. I’m about to pair it with cbd which is good for autism/anxiety and have tried in the past to quiet the constant monologue in my brain, hope this helps a bit :)
- says he's not intelligent
- sounds more intelligent than most people I know.
this guy sounds kind, wise and smart. I'd love to be his friend.
By the way, Robert; You do come across as emotive, even if you're not aware of it.
Robert, I hope you read this. You sound like a really good friend that I would need. I don't want a simple, bubbly person. That's good as a buddy. But when I really need a friend, THE FRIEND, I want a smart, honest, thoughtful person, like you. Keep it up, you are amazing, you can sort this out.
when i was a teenager in deep depression i wrote a poem about the mask we wear in order to fit in:
As the night breaks,
As does my heart,
Here without you,
I'm falling apart.
Lost in my thoughts,
With no track of time,
These nights feel so endless,
Wishing you were mine.
As the sun rises,
I put on my mask,
To hide the nights truth,
From the days full bask.
All over again,
And back to the start,
The night takes this mask,
Revealing my Heart.
Consumed with despair,
The blood runs free,
Purging this mask,
cos it just isn't me.
Great work, I really liked the structure! :'(
I could really picture the person who narrates it! :)
@@eafesaf6934 what did they look like
I highly encourage social skills training. It's like playing D&D, but instead of adventures in a fantasy world, it's real life. That sounds really boring, but I've had roleplaying sessions as part of social skills training where I walked away with enough confidence to do something I was previously terrified of; Calling someone unannounced, even if I might face rejection.
I swear dnd is so versatile. I saw a post on Reddit about a dad teaching his kids life lessons with dnd. It can be used for a lot of things.
I'm proud of you man. Well done
don't know how to do that.
@@thepersonyouknow1714 Social skills training requires a trainer. It's ok if you don't know how to do it yet.
It’s so exhausting though
About the "robot" moment, I often say that I perform quite well (in both the "performance" and "doing an impression" sense) in a formal setup, but that I'm really uncomfortable in an informal setup. That being because in a formal setup, it's usually possible to learn the rules and know deterministically how to behave (so yeah, a trained robot...but hopefully is it clear what I mean by that).
And so I didn't resonate much with dr. K's comment that "it gets better than that, great !" (I get it was an encouragement, but still, it felt off for me). Because it gets on a qualitatively different level that is impossible to evaluate beforehand. On the other hand, I totally resonated with the "pre-rejection" bit.
I learned that in an informal setup, you have to take the risks and that it's not deterministic. And that's what I struggle with, even though I am aware of what I (probably) should do. My immediate reflex is to drive the moment to some sort of pre-known pattern...which works, but flattens the moment and usually makes it extremely boring. And I have no idea how to get out of this vicious circle.
Not saying that I got better how Robert felt about that part. It's just my take on it, and I might totally be off (not diagnosed of anything - I just resonate a lot with what neurodivergent people experience).
Yeah, that part really resonated with me too and I’m kind of disappointed he didn’t give better advice on it honestly lol. It can totally feel like you’re not being funny or “bubbly” enough in a informal conversation, since that’s what seems to be the correct way to approach it for the “best results,” so you feel like you have to stick to that routine. Consequently when you try to deliver your thoughts in a more considerate and thorough manner it seems like you’re being too boring or “like a robot.”
But the reality is it’s perfectly okay to do that sometimes even if it feels like you’re not acting like your true self, or more accurately, what you perceive to be expected of you, i.e being the “funny autistic friend” in the conversation. But yeah, it is really hard to get out of that pattern mindset regardless.
seeing how autism and ADHD have much overlap, and a lot of autistic people get often misdiagnosed with ADHD. I would love to see dr. k futher explore these topics around autism.
Same! This is interesting to me as well
yeah i have adhd and i keep trying to see if im on the spectrum because i have some overlapping symptoms, but i really dont identify witg the key ones of autism
@@makkerfelix same
@@makkerfelix remember these things arent fully figured out and we are in the infancy of this science so things will continue to change the more we study and learn. it could be that adhd is just a symptom of autism (which is the stance i take) .. it could be entirely diet induced problems for all we know atm. just try to use what info we do know to improve any problems you might have imo.
@@saturationstation1446 yeah i think adhd and autism are definetly two things on a greater spectrum. Most people with adhd ive met are a little weirder and more interesting than neurotypical people. Just like how autistic people are a little weirder and more interesting
This has definitely been eye opening. I have adhd and a lot of the things that he said almost described my social interacts growing up and now to the t. It’s hard to see yourself in a way that’s not negative and not feel inept when majority of you life you’re made to feel that way by your peers. It’s almost like you lose who you truly are while trying so hard to seem normal. Now that I’m stepping into adulthood people *usually* aren’t as judgmental when it comes to having quirks or being a little weird in your own way, but it’s hard to let go of the years of self doubt and anxiety that come being ostracized in your formative years.
Sometimes I do feel like a robot that doesn’t know how to open up and be vulnerable because of the years I spent putting up a wall to protect myself. I miss elementary school me that was talkative and energetic and wasn’t afraid to be myself. Even though at the time I did notice how socially awkward I was compared to my classmates, I still was able to be myself, and made some genuine friends. Since then I’ve pretty much pushed everyone away out of fear of rejection.
Hopefully I can unlearn masking the things that make me who I am and start making genuine connections with people again because while it is nice to have my alone time I do still get lonely and feel overwhelmed by my own isolation sometimes.
The thing about eye contact made me feel so validated. No one makes constant eye contact after the first couple interactions.
He is a kind, reflective, caring human being. I would love to have a friend like this. It was a pleasure to listen to conversation.
I am so happy somebody could put how I felt half my life as an autistic person into words. THANK YOU !
I don't feel like I'm talking to a robot. I feel like I'm talking to a Robert💛
I'm also autistic and I struggled so much with all of this... Telling people that I'm autistic, and what I expect from them and what they can expect from me made a huge difference. I will never be able to look at people's eyes, I explained this to my boss and understood it very well, so he doesn't feel disrespected by that. I finally got a great group of friends who respect and support me. And surely one day I'll find a romantic partner too. Because I keep working on self improvement and every year I'm struggling with less issues, or handling them better. I was literally suicidal and now I feel grateful most of the time. Therapy and listening to other people's experiences were a big part of my learning journey. Hope this gives at least some hope to those struggling, being autistic will never stop anyone from being a great person worth of friendship, love and happiness.
Just reached the point in the video when Robert said he's afraid of people finding out something is wrong with him. I freaking felt that. I know that feeling so well but my dude, there isn't anything wrong with you. There isn't. Being neurodivergent does not mean that something is wrong with you. It means you're different, thats all, and being different, while challenging, is not wrong. And anyone who says it is is arguably the one who needs special handling, js
Exactly. There's nothing wrong with being autistic.
Dr. K thank you this is exactly the talk I needed to listen to today. I just moved to a new college campus and I've been having some identity issues that are similar to the feelings that Robert explained today. I appreciate both of you
Good luck at college! Healthy is great!
I'm autistic, and obviously my life has been pretty poor since I was born, always fkn locked inside my own head, so like I'd feel alone even when there are people around me, and as I grew up I became less and less consistent at things I supposedly master, even what I'm the best at. Now I'm no longer able to learn sh*t because my mind is in quite a bad state just begging for help.
I'm always acting and not being who I truly am, with absolutely everyone and without exception, and even that just doesn't do the trick. I don't even know how to be genuine anymore. I can't consistently feel good anymore and that's understandable given how losery my life is.
What I want to do is, work on myself heavily (with help obv because of how gigantic of a task this is), take a fresh start, kinda like a child who grew up in a sect and is discovering the real world super late. Hopefully my therapist finally understands this and redirects me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I relate to this word for word, so just know your not alone in this :)
I'm a new subscriber because not only does he deliver great advice, but the way he delivers it is perfect! He uses a lot of phrasing that builds everybody up and healthily addresses problems without making anybody feel self conscious. I try to help my friends with things sometimes, but my problem is I don't have such a mastery of wording so I may come off more harsh or accidentally offend when I mean well. Lots to learn from these videos; keep up the good work!
Exactly! Love these videos!
He said that he feels like he's talking like a robot and not being fun/bubbly etc. as if that's a problem, but I think you'd be surprised how many people actually enjoy/are comfortable being around people who are more relax/laid-back and "level". It's easy to get the impression that if we're not being chatty, fun/funny, outgoing, etc. that people aren't gonna be drawn to being with us, but I've had plenty of people by now straight-up tell me that they enjoy spending time with me because I'm more chill/level and a bit quieter overall. Everyone's different, and I think there are just way more people who are drawn to that kind of personality than you might think.
35 and in process of being dx'd.
Interesting that I relate to a ton of this but my issue is related to being TOO bubbly, energetic, and most of all "loud in general".
I feel like I can never control the volume of my voice. The more excited I get the more amped up and loud I become, and I've been told it comes off as obnoxious and childish.
So my masking is to intentionally go robotic, emotionless. This leads to feedback that I'm too short with people, always in a bad mood, and asked "why are you always angry".
It's odd because I feel exactly the same but completely opposite.
Good luck Robert and thank you for sharing
1. Neurotypical people never try to imagine who they'd be without their neurotypicalness. It's baked into who they are, not an added overlay. The exact same goes for neurodiverse people. We are not "people living with autism". Autism is an inexorable part of who we are. It's baked in.
2. There is nothing wrong with us. Different does not = wrong. We don't owe anything "extra" (super talents) to compensate for being different.
I'm sorry Robert would prefer not to be autistic but I completely understand why he feels that way. If we're gong to imagine or wish for different circumstances I would rather Robert (all of us, really) could be exactly who he is and be appreciated; in a wiser, kinder world.
I have ADHD, and I went undiagnosed for a long time because I genuinely could not imagine thinking any other way. It doesn't help that I watched content made by other people who have ADHD as a kid, so that form of thinking was really normalized to me. Like, I'm not sure Neurotypicals even think about the process of how they think well enough to articulate it bc it's just considered the default/norm, so the only discussions about thought patterns I saw were by people with ADHD (Nigahiga), which seemed about right to me. LMAO
So I never thought of my brain as different, even if I was a bit 'quirky' sometimes. But I'm an artist, so you can excuse some eccentric-ness as part of an artistic soul. Or at least, that's what I did UNTIL I started struggling to do things that seemed simple to my friends/family. When you become an adult, you get a lot of responsibilities that you never have to think about as a kid, and it was this sudden dysfunction with 'normal' adult tasks that got me to realize that it's not just the unique quirks of being an artist, but rather the mindblowing epiphany that people around me had brains structurally different from my own. It felt like I was learning that other people were seeing 2 more colors than I was, like I'd been colorblind my whole life and had never noticed until now.
In that way, I really agree with the first point. We kind of 'diagnose' people on the spectrum, so it kind of feels like ADHD/Autism are mental illnesses that are separate from who we are, the way depression/anxiety are meant to be overcome because they're illnesses different from your normal baseline of thought/behavior. But my baseline is the ADHD, it's not separate from me at all, like I can't fathom thinking 'normally' any more than a neurotypical could fathom thinking on the spectrum. The only reason I got diagnosed was because society is structured around neurotypical patterns of thought, so my pattern of thinking got punished once I was expected to enter society and be productive.
So like, I really agree with the second point. I never thought that something was 'wrong' with me until I was expected to do 'easy' things and got ZERO understanding when I struggled with them. Like, my family would give advice on what they thought the issue was, coming from a neurotypical perspective. I'd do the advice and feel like it did nothing, and then they'd blame me for it not working bc they have no other frame of reference for where the problem was coming from. And in a way, they're right that I was the problem for it not working bc I just literally am different from them. For these problems, I really do feel the way ADHD is a negative with no gains, like I should have something to compensate for struggling/being different. BUT I also know that in a world where ADHD is the majority pattern of thought, I would never feel this way because they would have understood me from the start, the same way ADHD subreddits/communities do.
So yeah, a little understanding in the world would not be the same as being neurotypical or living in a world where being on the spectrum is the norm, but it would go a long way in helping us not feel like we're wrong/need something to compensate.
Neutorypical people are like in the matrix. Their slumber makes them perfectly fine with being comfortably numb and completely obnoxious to their own suffering. However, neurodiverse people as you call them, get to feel the pain without the artificial suffering. They have a shot at getting out of the matrix if they so wish. Being free from fear.
At least you won't get covid
bu dun tish
😂
W comment
W comment
@@DaroLinguiniJohnson Same comment
Wow the last few minutes was like a message from god. There's been drama at work because I'm the top sales person on the team and I get showed favoritism.
I like to work from home so A LOT of the times I show up to work late, sometimes I don't even come into the office. My boss doesn't really like me working from home because it gives the rest of the team the impression that they can show up whenever they want. They feel like its messed up that I can basically do what I want and not get fired and they cant.
One of my co workers pulled me to the side today so he can understand why I'm so weird and eventually I started to cry because I told him I feel like I cant trust anybody. I lost out on over $13k in commissions in the last 2 months. I passed on some of my clients to the other guys because they didn't have any. The clients I gave them wanted what we were selling so they were super easy to close. So easy to close that they became ungrateful, they didn't appreciate it at all and wanted more and more.
not only that but why I feel like I cant really trust them is because my boss had a dinner and the whole team went except for me. I didnt go because most people around me just verbally hurt me or are under achievers so I prefer to be alone as much as I can but anyways, one of my co workers that ended up getting fired on Monday because he sucked told me that our boss was talking bad about me in front of everyone that day. I got really sad because I helped put money in their pockets and they cant be real with me and tell me what my boss said? They acted like nothing happened.
On top of that one of my co workers took a massive dump in my toilet, it sounded like he had a beluga whale coming out of his cheeks. Clogged it, I spent around $50 in supplies trying to unclog it and it never worked. I then had to get a plumber to come do it and it was $342.87. He never made an effort to fi it or pay me back for it
During the convo with my co worker today I told him how I feel like I cant trust any of them and also pretty much most people because people all my life have talked down on me behind my back and this video has helped me figure out why. Its because making fun of myself to be accepted by others is a very cheap way of being accepted. I make fun of myself to get people to like me but then that builds a relationship where the other person feels like its okay to disrespect you all the time. Dr. K basically saying this at the end has changed my perspective on how to build relationships with a solid foundation.
I also make fun of myself because I don't want to outshine others too much and make them feel bad about themselves. I say stuff like "Guys you don't want to be me I have no life I just work" "I cant get girls like you guys" etc. I can feel the jealousy in the air when I close a deal so thats something I'm struggling with almost everyday as well.
Thanks Dr.K for the video it has helped a lot!
🥺💔
You sound like such an admirable hard working man in need of compassion, respect, encouragement, and a hug!
I hope you continue being a blessing/asset rather than a burden/liability to your employer - but first to YOURSELF!
I say all this, since I feel the same a lot of the time.
Perhaps first learning/exploring why you are the way you are may begin to help, since that helped me (especially learning my own personality profile on the Big 5 "OCEAN" spectrum as well as the MBTI.)
I'm high in openness (empathetic), conscientiousness (organized hard working idealist), and agreeableness (value fairness) ... yet mid range extraversion (so more reclusive and reserved and detest mundane small talk)
And am an "INFJ."
Learning to value what makes me different, while aware of what such differences are weaknesses, is humbling.
Funny enough I'm in a workplace where I constantly either doubt myself or grow annoyed and exhausted of all of the solipsistic extroverts. So my encouragement to you is the encouragement I've been seeking for myself that YOU are a free agent, no matter if you're a W-2 employee or a 1099 independent contractor. Your employer and coworkers are NOT your family. Careful who you open up to- especially at work. Because when they no longer see your value: it goes from "we're a family," to "it's just business."
So you giving easy closes to people who didn't work for them and to where now you resent them means you definitely need to hone your own DISAGREEABLENESS and never give away sales again. Just keep being top dog and if they finally see that you are an expert to learn from rather than one to envy or gossip about: teach them how to fish rather than give them the fish!
Also keep your resume up to date, and especially with how you've "improved X by Y%" and always be interviewing at other places because who knows you not only will get a higher pay raise, but may just end up being a better environment!
YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!
Omg, I hope you never give away clients and commissions like that again! It sounds like you learned from that mistake, though, right? I'm so sorry. I just hate injustice so much! Don't look for friends at work. You can find them elsewhere. You didn't say you're autistic but if you are you'll have better chances among other autistics for friendship. Work from home as much as possible and fuck the losers at the office. Work is for making money. Period. Their resentment is their problem. Forget the idea of them ever being your friends. They're definitely neither worthy nor capable. Never ever feel bad for being good at your job! It sounds like you thought if you give some of what you're good at away they'd feel obligated to pay you back with social clout. You probably know better than anyone how much an imaginary contract is worth. You sound like a great person, but a vulnerable one, too. I hope there are some supportive people in your life. A therapist could be helpful if you can find a good one.
Edited for spelling.
@@JENTHINKSO Well said!
@@jessitabonita Thanks! When I read your comment I was thinking you sound so much like me! Lol!
I mean, I too call bs on the "work is family" thing and a lot of other capitalist mindfuckery. Have you seen Joshua Fluke on RUclips? You'd probably appreciate his channel in a cathartic way.
I've been using that saying for years; "You teach people how to treat you" and also Maya Angelo's "When people show you who they are believe them the first time".
I've found MBTI and Jungian cognitive function theory extremely useful for understanding myself and others. I'm a rare type too. I'm INTP. I believe your type (INFJ) is the rarest, if I'm not mistaken. I'm not as impressed with the big 5. It's okay but it doesn't come close to MBTI's level of depth and nuance.
I have no words to muster that could be anywhere near as powerful to help you.
But I do have to say, that your situation has me baffled and appalled.. Such a heavy burden, I truly wish I could lift it from your shoulders.
I noticed in your behavior and thought process that I suffer something similar myself...
I wish you luck in your endeavors and a happy future.
This guy is beating himself for nothing. His voice and his articulation is brilliant. The only thing: he is focusing way too much on his weaknesses. 'you bring a lot to the table' 'you mean it gets better than this?' I hope he hears this one again.
18:52
That little smile that Dr.K gives here.
He’s like “I do that too.” 😂
My answer in regards to being fired for being autistic; Most employers are split down between not caring about the personality of their workers or being weirdly obsessed with it. It feels like there's no gray area; Either it's all they think about or it doesn't even enter their mind to care about it. And I would personally much rather work with people who don't care about my personality than people who care intensely about how I present myself. Fuck that noise, I'm 30, I'm both too young and too old for cults like that.
I've always told my employer I'm autistic into my third talk with my manager, though sometimes I lead with it. If a manager gets weird about how I'm autistic or tries to show off their virtue for helping me, I'm out. I can't work like that.
How do you handle job interviews? Is it pretty much like having to mask in front of them? Early 20s and I’ve only done a couple. I get hired but I just feel so bad at them. I mean being bad at interviews is not exclusive to some folks on the spectrum, but I feel like my traits do affect the way I do them.
@@REChronic54 I know this sounds weird, but I love job interviews. It's something you can study for. There's a system calls the STARR method, in which you recall situations and how you reacted to them and what you've since done on reflection to that situation.
I was a singer when I was really young, which means that I got to be on stage by the time I was 6 or something. Of course, I do get stage fright like anyone does, but not as much or as strongly. I'm also a public speaker.
And that's the thing about being used to being on stage; I can own and control the stage. Nobody can interrupt me or make me feel self-conscious, but it's just me and the audience. Ironically, an audience is much more predictable than individuals.
But I transfer a lot of those stage skills into interviews. I'm ready to bomb hard. It's when I get into longer relationships stuff that I get nervous. There's an advice called "Go for no". Basically, go to an interview on the assumption that you're going to be rejected, but selling it well regardless. It's how I aced my driving license; I just assumed I was going to fail, meditated, took a long time to warm up and then just focused on driving and driving well, rather than worrying about whether I was going to succeed or fail.
Robert sounds so lovely. It broke my heart to hear Robert thought he came off as robotic.
i just realized that the eyecontact thing is why i became friends with people sitting next to me in class or people that i played videogames with. looking forward at something and just talking that way so they can see the smart and funny me, not the awkward shutting-down-because-of-eyecontact me.
Yes!!!!!!!! And why being in a common therapy setting (chairs facing each other) is so uncomfortable
It’s also why I used to love Xbox live with my mates, I was truly happy, every single evening would be laughs n wasn’t exhausting on bit EVER, now I’m older I realised why I loved it so much (no masking/eye contact etc.) but now they’ve grown n moved on it pains me to feel like a child still, as if I’m still an infant socially :(
Learning how to accept a compliment is really difficult when you’re constantly doubting yourself and denying your value.
I was diagnosed with Autism later in life (Age 38), and I had several thoughts that might be of interest to Robert. On the friend group in the beginning that was popular but treated him poorly, I think "transactional with high costs" was more of what he seemed to be getting at rather than co-dependent. I think people of all sorts can find themselves in these interactions, such as in workplaces with high levels of office politics, or the stereotypical fakeness associated with Hollywood and entertainment professions.
He mentioned that he was unable to properly mask his autism without becoming boring and uninteresting. While not necessarily a solution, there might be some comfort in knowing that it doesn't really help much or work out very well when you are able to master this ability anyhow. From personal experience it can cause you to buy into your own facade and unfortunately as you age and you lose some of the mental dexterity and speed of youth, you are unable to facilitate the effort required to mask and also still do all the other mental tasks required to be a productive adult. This can set you up for an epic crisis and I believe is the core component to those who are able to blend in until their 30s or 40s and then go through Autistic Burnout.
I have additional thoughts in relation to revealing having autism in a work contexts, but I wouldn't want to express them in this format. I'd be happy to expound if Robert or anyone else is interested.
I have a mixed response to this. I'm both ADHD and Autistic and I was late diagnosed at 35 (3 years ago), but I've had the same experiences as the caller growing up and even to now. But the only thing that has helped a little is embracing that identity because it's not something that can be extricated from my core personhood. It's not just simply bullying, it's ABLEISM and it is highly traumatizing. It's so isolating.
I have lost every job I've ever had due to my Neurodivergence
It's the same with ADHD, there's no respect you just get viewed as a character of sorts.
As someone who grew up with ADD undiagnosed i always just felt invisible and like a spectator.. so never felt like a character but maybe more like a useless NPC lol.
@@menamgamg That's understandable and is probably more common. Maybe since I would use jokes as a communication method I played myself into the clown role, 🤷🏿♀️. I was never taken serious as a result, but I was heard if I "did the funny stuff". Started being seriously and speaking up for myself, all of my "friends" feel off the face of the earth.
WOW with friends like that, you don't need enemies :/ Happened to me too in highschool, don't worry, don't ruminate.
You sound perfectly intelligent and quite eloquent and self conscious too. Things will get better, you'll see.
I relate to feeling like a robot when speaking to people. I cultivated a deadpan persona in school because people seemed to find it funny, but I felt like I couldn't stop, and that hindered my socialising. People just saw me as the 'funny loner', and I sort of embraced it.
It's been hard to break out of that and at first felt really cringy to emote to people, and I still find it a little annoying when people are very emotionally open and 'bubbly', but I recently spent the weekend chatting to new people and laughing a bunch with others and it felt like something to be proud of.
I noticed Dr K. smiled when Robert said: “Let me think for a second”, when asked about how he felt about being authistic.
I wonder what happened, if he detected something interesting.
Perhaps mirroring?
Could be!
nah because he thought he caught him the reason as to why he has difficulty making friends at the moment; because he feels that his autistic is a shameful aspect of himself. :)
My father is autistic, my partner is autistic, my son is autistic and I have adhd with autistic traits. Most of my friends are on the spectrum. I have found that there is little to no communication barrier between autists when compared to autist-allistic conversation. Part of the difficulty in accepting this is the internalised ableism we often feel. Until we can feel comfortable in ourselves, it's pretty common to see 'not hanging around with the nerds' as the ultimate acceptance and success. Actually... this often ends when we hang out with the popular kids and find no real satisfaction there due to watery conversations (if you pretend to have the same interests and behaviours, the conversations will feel watery and fake) and repeated hurt feelings on both sides. It's perfectly possible to have really meaningful friendships with both autistic people and allistic people, but having a particular social group as a 'goal' that signifies 'success' is really where it all falls apart and the self-hatred and really unhealthy sort of masking can kick in.
This really is what I needed. I can relate to so many things wow.. Now I feel motivated to actually meet some new people. I'm also feeling very lonely at the moment, cause of the same reasons basically, most time of my life I felt like this (and still feel like this). I just have to keeping trying.. Also I feel motivated to spread more autism awareness on social media now, cause we really need this, I hope it will become easier one day.. I think it's so sad and depressing that often it's like autism = feeling incredibly lonely, we have to try to change it.
Also to Robert if you read this.. I promise to you, once you feel really comfortable to someone, you can be a lot more like yourself and automatically become more "bubbly" (open). Keep trying you will find these people, I speak from experience. You're a really really cool and nice guy that many people want as a friend.
me too bro. this video widened my eye to something i was already kind of looking at. ive just always thought of the extreme cases of autism so ive never really considered it. this video has made alot of things make sense to me.
Got diagnosed recently at 22 because my parents refused to ever acknowledge that anything could possibly be wrong with me growing up (they’re the type to deny that mental health issues could ever affect *their* son). This video really hit home in a lot of ways, from the difficulty making friends without masking to the “friends” I made later in life using me for their own humor/ benefit and my obliviousness getting in the way. In my case, because I didn’t know I was on the spectrum, I never learned to mask until waaaay later in my life, and it made it all the more obvious for people to notice. It didn’t help that my folks would find any excuse to blame me for struggling socially, even calling me “socially maladjusted” at times because, apparently, being introverted as a result of being bullied is the reason I was being bullied or something. I feel like an alien sometimes because I just don’t understand people most of the time, and like the video said, it feels like I’m either forcing a “neutral” state that comes off as flat, or dialing the humor up to 11 to compensate for not understanding how to interact otherwise.
I love this, I relate to parts and envy the guest's self awareness and is able to articulate himself so well. I really hope he finds some real friends and is able to be himself and accept the limitations we all have. everyone gets dealt a hand, some are worse than others.
TLDR: What a talk. Team Robert all the way. Very human and trying to take this seriously so not to fallback on people pleasing, he's done great work. Societies don't understand psychology terms so with only stereotypes as reference, they cause stacked emotional damage.
Forgive if I'm misreading, kind and a light who wants to bring happiness Robert. I heard a lecture and Dr. Nick Bendit was discussing Self Hate. Difficult eye contact to not be seen and quick to acknowledge criticisms yet can't intake true positive statements. So I noticed the similarities. Usually that stems from harsh family units. I think Robert's social peers are the one's who did that kind of damage here. Stereotypes a harmful party which hampers human's social bonding needs in life. Dr. K did mention how kids can be mean effers.
Thanks for time, gotta walk off this brain dump. Wonderfully human and honest talk.
Source- RUclips. Owl Talks - Self Hatred in Psychotherapy: one of the most difficult things to treat." ANZAP conference 2018.
Autistic eye contact avoidance is rooted in neurology and not the same and should not be equated with self-hatred or shame.
While the spirit of the attempt is appreciated, sometimes the truth is you won't be able to relate or imagine what it's like for us. We have the exact same difficulties understanding neurotypicals. The empathy problem is truly a two-way street.
I hate the amount of shame society tries to impose on people who have few to no friends & no romantic partners.
This is EXACTLY why we settle for people who have ZERO interest in getting to know us &
actively make it known that they merely tolerate you because they pity your solitude.
There’s literally nothing shameful in choosing a healthy relationship with yourself.
Who cares that you never got laid? Never got a kiss? Don’t have a friend to call?
IT’S OKAY!
Wow! You're so passionate about it!
@@TheIgisas it just makes me mad that we’re collectively expected to waste our time on fake friendships & relationships just to say “hey I promise I’m not a threat to society! See these 3 fake friends and this boyfriend who hates my guts? I’m one of you guys! Please accept me!”
@@maryg9218 That's a lot to take into one person's mind. We all are connected yet apart from one another. We as in people I mean.
@@Dimitris_Half true but it’s arguably worse being around people who make you feel alone. I see it as a transition state. To change your social environment to something healthier, you might have to cross a desert.
@@Dimitris_Half it is fantastic and enriching to have great friends & a lover. However, if your picker has been off all your life, then you have accumulated a group of toxic people. After getting rid of them, it takes a while to unlearn your own enabling traits, beliefs etc and allowing toxic people in again would be an obstacle.
So in order to cultivate HEALTHY relationships, you first have to find peace with your own shameless solitude, otherwise you will cling to & suffocate any new person you meet.
I never ever in my life thought I would see someone who has been through and felt the exact way I have been feeling. It feels like Dr K is directly talking to me in this video.
wow, Robert looks like a chimera between my brother and me. We are both autistic and he has ADHD. Plus, he is on highschool. My brother is suffering with this mask mostly alone, since he loses so much his train of thought every time he tries to explain anything about his experience to me or anyone else(he said he feels very comfortable around me, like noone else, even his therapist). Hopefully this video can put some words on his mouth to help on this situation.
Getting fired or getting discriminated against is also why I avoid telling anyone of my disabilities. As I've been discriminated against in the past often enough because of my disabilities and because I used to not be as good at masking/hiding my disabilities. So I understand his fear,
I'm Autistic and I've lost 13 jobs and now get SSI/SSDI.
Dang!
i've lost a ton of jobs too but dont get any kind of help. glad you have found some tho ! the jobs thing is really common for us from what i know
I'm an aspie, and I've been struggling to make friends since I was in elementary school.
I'm now a junior in highschool, I've never been in any friend groups, or had any strong contacts with people who got along with me. Ever since I was 7, I started thinking why I never got any friends, so I shook it off and told myself that's what I was "meant to be." Soon in my life afterwards, I thought I was meant to help other people, and to make the world a better place somehow. Keep in mind that I was always in my own head, causing me to grow a blank expression at any time.
I knew I had ADHD and ADD, and that alone caused me to think down of myself because I wasn't "normal." Since I became a freshman, I started exploring myself deeper, and couldn't find out why I wasn't like anyone else, and started becoming more self-aware. I regretted my obsession to act normal.
Since then, my self-awareness grew incredibly high, and from then on, after the pandemic, I had a "jolt" of observational skills, logical reasoning, and abnormal creativity.
I grew a deep, unnerving fear of people and their thoughts of me. Do they think I'm stupid? Do they think I can't work by myself? Do they know I can't do some things they can and etcetera? Why hasn't anybody approached me yet? These thoughts haunt me in my daily life. Please, you don't have to be friends with us of you don't want to. But please, help them feel comfortable with themselves. Autistic people can't control their mental and social diversity, don't be a bystander.
About getting fired for having autism:
In the US, if you disclose such conditions from the beginning (it is considered a disability under legal definitions), it is illegal for them to terminate your employment due to your "disability" in whole or part. Though they may give you another reason, if you suspect they did it because of your "disability," you can take them to court. Of course if you can gather any evidence of it (emails or memos where someone, especially a manager, may have denigrated you for it, or any write ups where they punish you for behaviors that can be attributed to your "disability" for example) is really strong in court. Hell, even if they don't fire you and you still have this evidence you can still take them to court over it.
Of course in this sort of thing consult a lawyer. Because the payout can be huge for you and your lawyer, most will be willing to give you a free consultation on the matter.
The "don't paywall the DLC" got me hahaha W!
These genuinely beautiful connections is why I keep coming back to this channel. Much love to you both
32:50
Prefacing this by saying that I relate 100% to what Robert said during the discussion and I suspect I'm ND myself, though not formally diagnosed.
I feel like it's easier for me to have conversation in the context of a 'professional visit' or consultation like therapy because there are more clear guidelines for the interaction. I have a strong idea of what will happen and the expectation for my response is quite clear. This makes it a lot easier to reduce masking intensity and it doesn't come with the accompanying apprehension of negative emotional reaction or rejection from the person with whom I'm speaking. I.E. I'm not worried that the therapist is going to end the conversation, leave the room, or have an emotional outburst if I say something that is not acceptable by common 'social guidelines.' They have a clearly defined role of "there to help me, without demanding anything of me," which is a dynamic I rarely experience outside of that context -and, it's not one I would assume with an unfamiliar person or even an acquaintance. This is a long way of saying that I act differently in this type of social situation than I would in others. It makes me feel more relaxed and it's easier to be authentic. I have confidence that my genuine self-expression won't be misunderstood or misconstrued and result in some negative consequence, despite having no negative underlying intentions.
I think, if Robert felt a similar way, then that's why he was somewhat off-put by Dr. K's assessment and said it was "formal."
I've been in a somewhat similar situation. I have now learned that being part of a friend group like that is not worth it.
Much respect for Robert. Sounds like he'd make a great friend.
34:28 Similarly, I feel like a lot of people these days pre-argue online. It's all too common that people tell me what I'm thinking and attack me based on that when I haven't suggested anything like their assumptions
Yeah...
Jobs and disorders that affect forming and maintaining social relationship can affect your work life negatively since workplaces can be incredibely social environments, and/or social interactions can very much affect your stress levels and performance. There is, unfortunately, no possiblity to get a job that does not imply at least a small amount of relationships to maintain.
That being said, as neurodivergent people are really diverse, the thing that one has to do is find such a field, and such a company, that does not constantly demand of you your least developed qualities. And that advice is an advice that applies just as much to neurotypical people, so there isn't much of a difference if you know the weaknesses and strengths that your situation bestowed upon you.
I find working remotely much more socially accepting than working at the office. That isn't because I don't interact with people - my job quite literally revolves around maintaining client relationships. It's because remote contact is incredibely easy and comfortable to me - no matter if it's a chat or a call, or a video call. In person - not so much. But that's me, another person might be struggling with the reverse problem, and they should find an appropriate job. Another person might be struggling with something entirely different, like the guy in the video - the same advice applies. Every quality of yours can be an advantage in one place and a disadvantage in another. Incredibely social people might seem like having a great advantage, but you won't find me surprised when they get fired from a very easy to do job cause they were too busy networking instead of doing what they applied to be doing.
Since I was a kid. I was always different from my peers. I always got called mature for my age. I never felt mature. I felt different. I felt confused on why I was different. I never knew how to keep friendships. My definition of a friend is so skewed too. I was completely okay being alone and yet I hated it at the same time. I wish I could enjoy being with others. It’s like I have to fake being a normal person to get people to like me. I’m 19. I have my suspicions about me having autism. I’ve always been an emotional kid and now guy. I always was either too emotional for everything. Now it seems I am starting to lose that. But I don’t like that. I don’t get people most of the time. Well I get the actions, but not the why. I feel lonely even with people. I feel left out. I’m rambling on a RUclips video but idk. I wish I could be a normal human who doesn’t have to put on an act for someone to like them. I never feel myself. I feel like an actor
I remember growing up like this but I score really low on the autism scale, I mean this, like I've been tested and scored low with therapists, but then I've had therapists tell me "go get checked for autism".
when I say score low I'm saying like 3 /100 like I don't know if I'm just really good at faking being normal or what, but I feel like when I take the tests, I am being dishonest, I'm not sure though lol.
Yeah that’s the thing I’m afraid of and is why I’m hesitant to get checked. I don’t even know what I have. What if I could have autism but have something else that’s mostly affecting me like trauma, depression, etc. I just don’t know where to start.
Are you coming off as socially awkward or something? Are you perhaps low in empathy? Maybe they are misreading it.
Id look for Videos like "how i find out im autistic" etc to see if it clicks
But sometimes doctors are just wrong
Thank you for sharing, Robert.
"Kids can be so cruel."
"We can?! Wow, thanks mom!"
I think alot of people relate to this, but don't be quick to just assume you have autism, ADHD, etc. Sometimes your just in a rough place in life, sometimes you are just experiencing a tough situation.
It's very easy to walk away from videos like these with a complex. Drink water, go excercise, get some sun, stop doing drugs, and start trying to get involved with the world. BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
More importantly, get help. You won't be able to know if you're autistic watching a couple of RUclips videos. Work with a professional.
To those experiencing something similar, I only have one thing to say to you guys: Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
Embrace your differences and be who you are. You'll eventually run into people that won't make fun of you for who you are, and those are what we called real friends, because they accept you for who you are and help you through your differences. Cut the toxic people out and move forward in your life. It may be hard at times, but this is what make you grow as a person in the long term too. Don't settle for the wrong group just so you can fit in.
Remember that you first have to embrace yourself and your own flaws before others can embrace you. If you hate yourself deep down, then it will brush that off to those around you. It's very obvious to people when you're faking it, especially if it's something you can't relate or have a natural reaction to.
i just wanna say that not everyone is comfy with eye contact, i've got a friend who says it's considered impolite in his culture to "stare down" the other person - so I just got used to not look at them constantly while talking. I don't mind at all. But they actually told me. So sometimes communication is necessary yk. Oh and RIGHT after I wrote this, he's saying it's not about that - but about the hurdle. Okay. Valid point.
This is so relatable, I’m almost 30 and I still struggle with these things on a daily basis.
I wore a mask my entire life. I was very subdued and didn’t let myself out and felt like nobody knew me. I made a friend in my 20s and she is genuinely my best friend who knew me. I’ve since taken the mask off and even if people found me weird it didn’t matter. Bring me filters out the people who don’t accept me.
I swear Neurotypicals have such high expectations from NDs. This poor dude is talking perfectly normal(maybe even better than some NTs out there) and he's been bullied into thinking he's weird.
Or nobody bullied him. He felt he was odd. Or he realized he was odd. He is afraid he will be seen as odd if he unmasks. That’s the challenge
This guy is relatable af.
He says he is not intelligent, yet he is probably the most coherently speaking guest ever to come here.
The best way I learned how to feel safe with eye contact... Is it's like dipping my toes into a pool. EVERY new social interaction I have, even if I've already been friends with the person for a long time... I always look for a half second in their eyes, then look away. That eye contact usually happens briefly when we first meet up. Within the next 30 seconds to 2 minutes of them talking to me, I look again but this time for a few seconds, and I try to tie in my eye contact with something that I'm saying. Then from that point, I practice giving steady eye contact while listening -- it feels less awkward if I NOD while listening and giving eye contact -- and then I break that eye contact whenever I need to think or stim by looking at other things while listening to the person speak. (So like, a quick peak when we meet up, a short eye contact when convo starts, and practicing steady eye contact while listening - nodding helps)
Me, someone on the spectrum reading that title
... *INHALES
*EXHALES
Hooooo BOI
Considering the topic has to do with masking and difficulties showing ones true self around people, one of the comments from Dr.K ("it gets better than this?") felt a bit strange. I'm sure it was meant as general encouragement and interest in Robert as a person. However (considering the topic), the comment might reinforce and encourage masking in order to be perceived as "better". As in "Your bubbly/funny mask must be better than the one you're currently presenting".
I might have misunderstood the context, and I'm usually overthinking things. Furthermore, I do not think Dr.K meant any harm with his comment. This is more a general warning not to phrase different masks or intensities of masking as 'better' than the other as its might reinforce masking in general.
I had the same thought. There were some other moments where he missed the mark a bit, too. Dr K clearly means well but I really wish he reflected more of the wisdom available within the autistic self-advocacy movement.
Professionals who propose to help us really need to learn more about us *from us* or they will continue missing the mark. The misunderstandings may appear small on the surface but they run deep in fundamental ways that are significantly impactful to our wellbeing.
Neurotypicals struggle to understand us every bit as much as we struggle to understand them.
Robert, 100% you will get a social group. I have faith in you, im autistic myself and you are a really cool guy, you can speak very well. You know urself, people will love that.
Also that ur coworkers started to say hello is a hella good sign, if they knew u were autistic and didnt like you they wudnt do that i geus.
Honestly most of people having this problem is simply around bad people and this is what happens when you try to be friend with the bad people
Exactly...
Okay then who are the "good people".
The people who don't treat you shitty... they are the good people, like thoose kind of people enjoys hanging out with you and don't play games with you.... like what do you even expect me to say
@@thesevenkingswelove9554 People who just accept you for you and don't make you feel like you have to change yourself in order to get along with them
Robert comes across so genuine in this video. Thank you Dr. K and Robert for this conversation.
I’m 26 & I just found out i’m likely autistic, still need a diagnosis but i feel like i have no time, & now i wonder if i was lucky to not be diagnosed? But i was socially outcast & had no way to explain it so idk. I sympathize
I think a diagnosis is ultimately helpful - you still get to decide whether you tell anyone about it, and having no way to explain why you always seem to suck in social situations and why you can't ever seem to quite fit in is so damn exhausting and depressing. Being diagnosed, or even just recognizing that you likely are autistic, suddenly lets you know why. That doesn't neccessarily make it easy, but it gets you a whole lot closer to accepting yourself as you are, and not accepting yourself as you are is such an enormous hindrance on its own in relationships. Who wants to be close friends or romantic with someone who's clearly not at ease with themselves? How could you feel close to someone who can't truly reveal themselves to you? At least that's how it felt for me.
@@ska042 yes, it has made having some of my relationships a lot easier. Some of my family has tried to tell me it isn’t so, but it also put into perspective some of my friendships that ended at one point or another. & now I can see myself when i’m masking, I understand that I don’t need to try so hard to be what i’m not
@@jatelitherius9842Personally I've always hidden behind a mask of raw competence in some subject area and always seeked out niches, communities, positions where that competence would carry me far. That has helped me a lot, looking back it was always my way to fit in, but it's not without its downsides. I always felt very confident in areas where I could fall back on that feeling of being competent at something, I could even be pretty social by connecting with people over those topics and helping people out in those areas. The downside was that I used it to paper over a severe lack of self-confidence in social skills and handling romantic relationships, which lead to me having my first long term relationship only in my late twenties. Before that I had a few one night stands almost by "accident" (being approached, not approaching anyone), but quickly stopped that since I found out sex without emotional connection just felt extremely unfulfilling to me.
Robert has a very beautiful voice, truth be told. No, not the accent. The voice.
I always feel that i should understand autism more than I do. It might be the one item in the DSM which is commonly diagnosed which, for the life of me, i can't quite wrap my head around. Oddly enough, this might be because I can relate to them in some specific ways - enough to have a "So, how's this a problem?" reaction. (I have ADHD)
wow, this guy and I are very similar. Ive gone through a similar journey but I have been lucky enough to get help and therapy so I can function and pass as normal. One thing that really helps is looking right above somones eyes at their eyebrows. From any normal distance the person you are looking at is unable to tell, and my friends who I tell them that ive done this freak out because they never notice.
I don’t view “masks” as a bad thing. I believe theirs multiple sides to our personalities and not all of it gets expressed with one single personality. That’s why we love art, because we can live through the media and take on a new perspective. It can become exhausting to always portray yourself as the person everyone thinks you are, playing your own character.
yes! my therapist says masks can be protective and helpful
Its not a bad thing if its voluntary. Of course the way you'd speak to a customer at work, an older family member, waiting staff etc. is going to be a bit different than how you you'd be with a friend, however - me included have a mask where we dont know whats underneath or afraid of it. Its something trained from a young age and it feels exhausting to hold up.
Thank you dr. K for bringing awarenesd of the social reality with people on the spectrum.
I had no idea how cruelsome it can be to be defined by a tag instead of others treating it as part of you.
I think this is a very core thought for people with disabilities in general, who are treated similar.
And my first thought is that this might be one of the track of thoughts for People with low self esteem
As they themselves start to define themselves with a made up disability or reason why others are better then them.
Thank you for the invaluable value
The thing is, the low self esteem doesn't go away if you don't have a label, if anything it's worse. If you're not diagnosed and don't suspect you might be autistic, you'll just keep agonizing about why you can't function socially and form connections in the same way as other people, which is super depressing and harmful to self esteem.
I can't form relationships cos I am very scared to be myself, but also I don't even know who I am. The anxiety is huge.
I feel like I've been incredibly fortunate, because in a way, I've been in groups where I was the odd one out because I wasn't autistic enough. Everyone was playing up to their autism with random humor things and that wasn't something I related to. I was more emotionally available, which weirded them out in turn and eventually they asked me to leave.
The thing is, the situation was exactly the same as Robert's but reverse across everything except one dimension: I felt like these were my people, so if I was no longer accepted, I'd be on my own. I met another group of autistic people fairly quickly who were much more my speed and I'm friends with them to this day. I also hide my autism, but for kind of the opposite reason; I've never been good at playing the clown in a group of clowns and I highly dislike that dynamic.
You can cheat a little and look towards someone's nose instead, if eye contact feels too intense or uncomfortable
Or between their eyebrows
I personally don't get the "between the nose" and "eyebrows" thing given their eyes are still well in sight (attention-wise) and you'll still get overwhelmed by your brain involuntarily trying to analyze their expressions. Maybe it works for some, but I haven't been able to do it successfully. Looking away every second or two has still been by go-to.
@@KingButcher Exactly, doesnt work for me either lmao
@@Tocinos You could also try communicating that with them. But regardless, good way (for both of you) to filter out each other since you can't respect their communication deficiency and talk without/in-spite-of it.
People seem to think I'm rude or unintelligent (I'm female). I resonate a lot with what this guy has said.
If I think that I am on the spectrum but I am in my late 20s, would it be beneficial to get tested?
Of course!