Success-Shame is hard, but i will not give-up. INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity? 'We' could really need more people who attempt to help YT.
@@holeymoley712 I think humility and humiliation pertains to two completely different meanings. Humility is more of an action, to show humbleness despite success, achievements and failure. Humiliation is a feeling. To feel humiliated by the criticism of others, for example.
I spent my whole 20s feeling shame about my lack of progress in life. I watched people I knew in high school go on to start families, etc. and actually achieve something for themselves. It sucks when you can't make that kind of normal progress in life, and your life moves at a standstill compared to other people. I got to the point where I realized I was being unfair to myself. I'd been judging my life based on other people's lives. I'd been judging my progression based on their progression. But the thing is, I've had to deal with things they never had to worry about. I was born with Autism, which has always been a limiting factor for me. I have a learning disability. I have general and social anxiety disorders. These are all things I've had to deal with in addition to normal life, that no-one else I knew had to deal with. In essence, I've been forced to play poker with a stacked deck against me, where they've had normal hands. I reaffirmed to myself that while we're all playing the same game (life), we're not competing, and we do not all have a fair chance, and that's nobody's fault. That's life. It sucks when you're the one who drew the short stick, but that's how it is. It was so hard to let go of that shame - especially with society's attitude toward those who can't provide - and to accept that I'm doing the best that I can. It was hard to let myself be okay with who I am, and where I am in life, because I've always thought I should've been able to do better. But I can't. I'm doing the best I can. And that's not a resignation, that is accepting that there are some things beyond my control, and so I focus on the things that are within my control, as few as those number in life. I don't feel shame about that anymore, because I've accepted these truths, I've accepted myself, and I started focusing on what makes me happy, rather than what I think would please society.
Thank you so much for sharing this! My son is autistic. As I’ve been learning what makes him authentically him, and how to parent him based on that, and what I’ve noticed my hopes for him looks like for when he becomes fully grown, the potential that I see in him isn’t so much based in comparison (how he may stack up to others), but in who is authentically is (who is he naturally when he’s being himself? What might his contribution look like when he’s fully grown?) We all aren’t meant to climb the same ladders, “to compete” with each other. All of our paths are completely unique. Maybe it’s just me, but I believe we all have the capacity to discover a direction for ourselves that fits who we really are.
Agreed to a certain extent. Regardless of where you are you probably aren't as "behind" as you think. You're not just comparing yourself to others. You're comparing yourself to only people you believe are successful. If you really did a genuine comparison, you'd be far more "ahead," then you probably realize. At the end of the day, comparisons are useless like you said. We all live such completely different lives, yet you still think life is a single track. That people are either "better" or "worse" at you in life. We all have our lives and our own goals, there is no better or worse, ahead or behind, it's life, there's no metric except your own, so please don't put yourself down so much.
Takeaways: → Antidote to shame is actually compassion towards self. → Acceptance is not giving up, sometimes it can be taking small steps. → Work on the emotions, catch your thoughts, go to therapy, … → Ego tends to move the goal posts, as you approach it.
"You have the potential, you just choose not to use it." was something I heard over and over again growing up. Why should I have to do something like everyone else when I'm happy with who I am?
Yeah, and furthermore when you were a child, it wasn't a choice. Children haven't yet developed the ability for the kind of critical thinking that leads to what we consider to be informed choices because their brains are still developing.
@@FindingIcarus Isn't it amazing when adults expect the same kind of mental capacity that they have from children when the brain is still underdeveloped. They can give these expectations of what you should be/should do/shouldn't do but might not explain at all the "why" or "how". And thus the child can learn to feel like a failure if it can't live up to those arbitrary expectations set for them by people who are in completely different stage of development. And then with failure to live up to those expectations comes the shame. This goes doubly for kids suffering from undiagnosed mental health challenges since childhood
Getting rid of the "ideal self" (which is a harmful, fictional, nonexistent construct by the way) is one of the best things one can do for their mental health. And only then begin incremental improvements in the other spheres of life, but not for the reason that we want to be "good enough", but so that it's good for us and we feel good/satisfied about it.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 Maybe there's a middleground? Like, letting go of the "ideal self" and instead working towards "ideal situations". So you have something to strive towards to make you motivated, but it's something external, it's not connected to your sense of identity. I don't know, just speculating.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 as an atheist in a 12 step program, I use my ideal self as a higher power. Essentially a "me" that has lived a perfect program. An alternative to "what would Jesus do" basically. It's definitely a balancing act between helpful and toxic though.
@@DrDipsh1t Jordan Peterson offers a "self-authoring program" which is a written and thought exercise that does what you are doing. It doesn't involve God it only involves a place you'd like to be in let's say three years. It ends up being down to earth - "what kind of job would you like to have in three years? What are the intermediate steps to reasonably get there in three years?"
This is almost unavoidable in a global world where we instinctually compare ourselves to everyone else. I feel shame when I have massive failures. I just take one step at a time and focus only on what I need to do right now.
We all started at different places and times, with different resources and abilities. All we can do is play the cards we’ve been dealt. Chase your dreams.
I was a 'failure' my whole life as a person who dealt with adhd and being prone to addiction. But I only became miserable and severely depressed when I started spending more time online learning about how other people live their lives.
I was filled with shame when I couldn’t live up to my peers standards. I remember being racked with anxiety and shame over messing up constantly because of my adhd. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. But now I accept who I am. I stopped trying to be like others and am now working towards being myself. I no longer have shame because I am who I am and I accept it.
god adhd sucks...one of the worst things ever...you can't even get rid of it...people like me who don't wanna take medications find it so hard to cope with it...regular exercise, meditation and good diet just eases it in a way but if you miss them even for a single day BOOM! everything goes haywire once again..
@@Dimitris_Half I don’t. Everyone goes at their own pace, everyone has their own goals and plans. Mines just happen to require focus. Ever heard of the boat analogy? “A man takes a boat to get to an island of gold. He could carry a certain amount on the ride but that would slow him down. Why carry extra weight when he could simply wait to get to the island?” So no, I carry no shame in being single. Unlike most I don’t tie my happiness to others. As for “truly accepting myself” I do. I just want to get my life together before I let others in it.
Apart from being unresolvable through progress, I've found shame to be antithetic to progress. For 26 years of my life I fueled my game development on shame. I believed in the crucible approach of hating myself to success; "I need to finish this project because I'll be a complete failure otherwise. I just need to stop being so lazy and work. If I fail at this, then I'm truly irredeemable." It led me to truly hate myself and my work, but it also hurt my ability to even finish in the first place. I'd work myself into mental breakdowns where I was out for weeks. I never finished any full games that way. Then, last year I refreshed and started on a new project. I had the intention of just working on it when I feel like, and to not be ashamed of feelings of "laziness" when I don't. I'm getting ready to release that project next month. It's the furthest I've ever gotten in any project of this scope, and it was achieved through doing my best to not feel so shitty about myself. Self acceptance is OP, ya'll. Get with it.
@@shastasilverchairsg The biggest thing for me has been understanding that my creativity and motivation isn't always "on." If I don't feel like working on my project one day, I don't work. In fact, I force myself not to work. This really helps me out, because forcing yourself to work often leads to bad outcomes that make you feel worse about yourself. Grounding meditation is also crucial, especially when I feel myself slipping down a road of self-doubt. Also, comparing past work to current work and brushing up on basic skills really helps me feel like I'm getting somewhere with my creative process. You might never be "good enough," but you'll almost always be better than you were a year ago!
Success-Shame is hard, but i will not give-up. INSTEAD i will ask-around in this commentsection here if someone would like to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity? I genuinly wanna propose we go out o our way and searh for problem-content like p-rn and so-called kissing-praks and pseudoscience and maybe climate-change-denial and ask YT calm and civil to delete it. I think this is a number-thing and too many let Doomerism stop them from even trying.
I'm afraid if I let go of my "ideal self," I let go of all my dreams and ambitions, which I still want with all my heart to reach. Yes, I am good enough, but why doesn't that mean I can try to do great things?
i think that 'letting go of trying to do great things' is not the takeaway here. It's just that you don't need to be your 'ideal self' to be a worthy person, as you are, you are enough. But if you want to try and do great things, do them because you want it, not because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you didn't. If you know you are already worthy, and great as you are, then you can do them out of a pure sense of desire and ownership of your own life, not as a mere slave to shame. Climbing a mountain because you like the climb is thrilling, climbing it because you feel like you have to is miserable
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on your dreams, it just means that you are not attached to this goal (it is just a preference) but you still work towards it
This hits home. I'm constantly feeling suicidal, angry, and ashamed that I've ruined my life and that I'm not successful. I'm about to enter my last year of my 20s and I don't have anything I wanted for my life. I have no degree, no property ownership, no career, no marriage, and nothing to be happy about. I have no way to fix this either. I can't ever have the career I wanted because I was stupid and though I had all the time in the world. I never even got the traditional college experience and I never will. I can't get over it. It's all my fault.
It's not too late honestly. You can still go to college if you want at your 30's, since there's others that done it before. Even older, it's not like college has an age requirement for you when to join. Plus if you feel bad on missing out on a degree- remember on you're luckily missing out possibly on student debt anyways (If you live in the US that is). But honestly don't focus too much on age either, focus on what you can do now to achieve your dreams regardless of age while you still have time.
Progress isnt enough because Im still scarred by everything wrong with my life. Everyday and Everything is a constant reminder, its not enough to just turn off linkedin or instagram; you look outside and find people who didnt have the abandonment, abuse, regrets and the loneliness you have. Oh sure you made progress here and there but all you can think about is where you'd be if not for what happened. It never goes away, it just haunts you. No matter how many therapists you sing like a canary to, no matter how many times you get on your knees and pray to Jesus; its there.
"all you can think about is where you'd be if not for what happened" uff right there, that is so toxic and so addictive to ruminate on it. been there, kinda still there, but someday, if you keep trying, something will click, in your mind, heart, body, soul. be kind to yourself, at first you dont even know how tho. this channel is super helpful so you may find just the right message for you in here -i have. sending you love, take care!
This is such a huge thing for those of us with ADHD, especially, with late diagnoses. We go our whole lives unable to live up to some neurotypical standard that is forever out of our reach, never allowed to realize that we're just running on different operating systems, and "simply" (ha) need to take a different approach to life in order to discover our *true* potential (which is going to look very different from the ideas neurotypicals may have). Macs aren't inferior because they can't open .exe files (I'd like to see a PC try to match the efficiency of Handoff and Mission Control/Spaces); they just need programs to be packaged in a different format, and then are often able to run them just as well, if not better, than PCs with comparable hardware specs. My Switch can't handle Minecraft anymore, but my Xbox Series X can't use the motion controls needed for Mario Golf or Skyward Sword, either. Letting go of the idea of my "potential" after my diagnosis has been a lengthy (and still ongoing) struggle, but the freedom of allowing myself to accept and embrace the idea that I am enough, that I am a valuable person apart from my achievement or intelligence is indescribable. Yes, I'm 35 and beginning my 3rd year in community college, about halfway to "finally" getting a bachelor's degree, but so what? I learned a ton and figured out who I was and what I wanted during that 15-year summer break, and now I'm *already* halfway to getting my bachelor's degree, with the benefit of those years of experience and personal growth I wouldn't have had if I'd gone to college straight out of high school, and my son wouldn't be able to personally witness my efforts and continued growth, and thus be able to fully appreciate the life lessons that go with it. If I had gotten diagnosed and treated as a kid, I never would have been motivated to become a lay expert on ADHD, and I never would have been so vigilant to catch his at 2 years old or so determined to get him proper treatment starting at 4, and he would've been stuck struggling needlessly during his most formative years instead of being able to bloom and grow on a much more level playing field. If I hadn't been duped into an abusive marriage at a young age, I never would've learned so much about psychology and how to spot and avoid abusive situations in order to pass on that knowledge to others who have needed it. No amount of "failure" or "wasted time" in our lives is truly either of those things, once we let go of "shoulding on ourselves" and embrace our less-than-ideal past experiences for the value they can carry into our future. This is easier said than done, but the core takeaway I've found over the past eight years or so.
On spectrum here, Asperger's. So much shame for just being on spectrum. Life puts that shame into me though. I really don't have ideal self. I have ideal self others impose on me and that is not achievable, it's impossible to achieve. Then I believed no one would accept the real me. I'm told several people now. Some had said they have always suspected. Had people tell me they thing no less of me and tell me they have ADHD. My grade 3 teacher was wrong. People do accept me and I accept myself flaw and all. Accepting my flaws and been great for me. I can accommodate them easier. Took me 11 years to get my education so I hear you. Certainly not easy but acceptance of your self is key.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve been dealing with most of my life. I’m 22 still with no license, car, still don’t know what I want to do with my life but the craving to make my own money has been killing me everyday as I walk into stocking Walmart shelves. These 4-6 months have been the longest streak of depression free I’ve had in my whole life. Just recently I’ve started not to care what other people think. I don’t know what massive personal step I’m about to take next but you have been so helpful to me. I’ve been obsessed with self development, self help, self improvement, psychology content since I was 12 but has taken me this long to improve consciously. Whatever you’re doing is golden.
Society is built on competition. That is the only way the rich gets richer. A billion dollar net worth person might get ashamed knowing there is someone even richer than him. If you understand that hierarchy then shame is just an illusion.
I think it is one thing to have that self-compassion and patience, and a different one to know how to navigate social relations where people do still judge you that way.
@@D_Jilla change how? If you're short you'll never be tall. If you're genetically predisposed to balding you will most likely bald. If you're eyesight is really bad you can't be a pilot. Somethings are beyond our control and no matter how much we change we wont be able to achieve them. We know it's not our fault but we still feel shame that we cant achieve those things. We may compare us with ourselves only but society won't. From the eyes of a university if my grades are worse because of anxiety, adhd etc i will be considered inferior. The world is cruel and sometimes i just feel hopeless
its great how a lot of people is capable of writing such posts, realizing there's a problem, asking for help, explaining stuff congratz dr k youre awesome!
Went through the same thing before I found a job where I stayed for three years. And yes, it is difficult and hits hard on one's self-esteem, at least initially. Stay strong - you are good enough, getting rejected is beyond your control and somewhat random actually. Just keep applying. Also - recruiters are a bunch of really stupid people who have no idea what they are doing, and if they rejected you and seemed at least a bit toxic on an interview, consider that a blessing in disguise. Once you learn not to take the job market too seriously, it starts getting easier.
the job search honestly has to be one of the most defeating aspects of the modern world. It's very hard to detach yourself from, not only a measure of self-worth, but also the seeming inability to change your financial and or work environment situation
@@JustprettytingzI think that there is a number of rejections that is abnormal. It's like how in the boomer generation, minimum wage would have the purchasing power of what a degreed worker makes after building up some years in the position. There is an unstated assumption of how valuable effort and time is, and an assumption that it flows cleanly and leads to clear rewards.
Achievement is not the antidote to achievement Shame is not an emotion. It is a result of the gap between you and your ideal self. When there's no ideal self, there's no shame Success will not fix your shame. It makes you expect more out of yourself, thus you move goal posts and feel like you have more to achieve. Now you realise you can never be your ideal self cause you'll keep expecting the impossible from yourself Be proud of the effort you put in, not your 'progress' Get rid of your ideal self and acknowledge that you're great as you are Accept yourself and improve lil by lil You might wanna go to therapy to work with your shame complex and get to the bottom of where your shame comes from
Why should we accept effort that does not produce results? I desperately exert myself from when I get home to three or four in the morning and get NOTHING done. Every attempt is a gamble that only sorta works a couple times a year, and it looks like I'm not engaging. My family has given up on me, during a very rough time where I feel like I am unraveling, and I was asking to hear about potential opportunities they were angry at me for missing.
When he said, “there’s no ideal self, there’s only you.. at the beginning it’s terrifying..”. It was terrifying, like what and who am I actually chasing and berating myself over for not being held up to? Then he proceeded by saying, “you know what’s even more terrifying? the version of you that is.. is good enough!” I teared up at work. I don’t think any one (family, ex’s) has ever really told me that I’m good enough (always room for improvement, though) … there I go again.. 🙄 We are acceptable for who we are, not who we think we should be. - Anthony Hopkins - Sam, Canada, ex-con, recovering alcohol and cocaine addict. PS thank you so much, your channel is amazing. You’re doing good work.
"One step forward" >> "one step towards an unreachable goal". Wow. Although I wish I knew this simple bit of wisdom years ago, I'm at least grateful to be learning it now!
As a business owner I still kind of struggle with this feeling myself. But one thing I've learned is that being around people who are hustling to build the life they want actually helps you to do it yourself. Don't run away from those people. Also, they have had all the same worries you have, and might still have them now even though you think of them as successful. Every single business owner knows the fear and worry you go through, no one succeeds overnight.
I’m a 24 year old, that’s always held highest expectations of myself. Expectations that are unachievable. I currently work at grocery store and constantly berate myself for not achieving success in my life. I’ve always questioned how is success defined. I’ve tried to warp it away from the traditionally defined metrics of society. Although the only way to feel any emotional regulation is to conform to the universally held standards, that would be money, status and looks. I thought competencies would be the crowning factor of how the world views you. The world doesn’t see it. They only have enough time to look at you from a glance, to determine if that glance makes you important enough to hold attention. By warping the definition of success I have felt, what I think is shame. I have to idea what path to take to achieve success. I suppose I’m currently just marching though life trying to give it my best and praying it falls in my hands. I don’t know how to manipulate circumstances so they become more favourable to me. I crave success, and want to be satisfied in life. At times I feel optimism, when I’m out in the world. Yet, when I come to back home, my parents home, the world seems to bleak pessimistic and lacking promise.
Success is an internal feeling. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, no matter what that life is, you succeeded. Nobody on their deathbed wishes they had a better career or made more money. What really matters in life are the small moments that we experience day to day. Thinking that achivements will lead to happiness is a very dangerous path because there will always be the next achivement that we start to chase when we realize we are still not happy. Consider how many extremely successful people are still unhappy and end up killing themselves.
This is the first video I've watched where I was hanging on every word Dr. K is saying. That "there is no ideal you, there's just you, and you are enough" feels very untrue to me too, although I understand that for someone who doesn't have this problem it might sound evident. I've been holding on to this "ideal self" for about as long as the poster has and identify with him a lot. Good luck to all of us trying to overcome this
My problem is not that I'm trying to achieve what a guy with flash cars and city living has. But I can barely keep up with all of the ordinary people around me. I'm below even the average lifestyle.
Any art I finished as a kid, people would point out little mistakes in my drawings or music, so I would always hide my art and never finish in fear that the final piece would be critiqued badly again. Now as an adult people are shaming me for not finishing my projects, and so I just hide away from everyone. It's just me and this fear that I'm slowly shaking off. Nobody understands me. Because I don't show my work anymore, they think I'm simply a lazy, antisocial, basement dweller... I'm realizing a lot of things from this video... Idk, if I should have more patience with the people in my life or should seriously learn to accept this resentment.
@@h4xi0rek - You're right, I should find some art friends where I can find the morale I desire for my art. RUclips therapy has served me the clarity I need to thrive.
37 years old and I'm nothing but shame and regrets. Life is honestly hell, I'm completely lost. No money on the side, overweight, potentially lung cancer...
you seriously don't know how much this video helped me finally discover what was causing all this. I can finally make a a bit of progress after months of trying to understand myself. Think I got the last piece to the puzzle
This spoke to me. So much. Not just the generic advice. Really validating to hear that childhood part. Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's so comforting to know other people can relate to these concepts. Rooting for all of us; we can do it!!
yeee i used to be so afraid of being pathetic , not challenging myself enough, being lazy etc etc. now i'm like....eh i'm pathetic....whatever that's fine too...and also reminding myself i don't owe anyone to be great.
Having spent my entire life around successful or soon-to-be successful people with high-paying jobs and impossibly high grades, these feelings aren’t unfamiliar to me. I’m not like them. I’m probably one of the only people in my grade that graduated and went into a useless humanities major. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go into law or medicine because I just don’t have the academic abilities nor the mental capacity. I didn’t get into a good college either, and seeing everyone I know study abroad while I’m still in my country at a pay-to-win private university kinda eats at my self-worth. I depend too much on my parents, who I am eternally grateful for for supporting me financially, but and don’t know if I’ll stop having to depend on them any time soon, knowing that my future probably doesn’t hold much good fortune for me anyways.
People ask me how I can love myself and also not feel good enough. The thing is that I do think I'm kinda awesome. But I feel the expectations of me is perfection and does I can never live up to it. Cuz no matter how good I get I'll still not be good enough to be perfect. Which in my mind the world expects from me
My problem with this concept is that shame is sometimes my only motivation to do things - if I wouldn't feel shame I wouldn't even clean or get a job or work on my mental health.
God I love Dr. K and healthy gamer. Such a funny, knowledgeable, and caring guy. Healthy gamer has truly helped me make so much progress in the way that I view my self and my life. It has helped me work through and become aware of the intricacies surrounding emotions and thoughts. I can look back and see in the last few years I’ve learned so much from this Chanel and may not implement everything perfectly, but damn have I made good progress.
I think focusing on your immediate self is usually the best thing to do. Instead of chasing a dream, focus on the current you. And focus not on the end goal, but the path to the goal. Achievement is not having a clean room. It's taking out the trash. Achievement is not having 6pack abs. It's going for a run. Then you can be proud of who you are at the present, and not ashamed that you haven't reached your goals.
But you can have an ideal self without shame. I do. It’s something to strive forward to. & every achievement step towards it feels great because you’re advancing forward. Like completing the next level in a video game.
Thanks Dr. K, this is something that I am still struggling with, even though I get huge swatchs of compassion from my friends & family now. I often still feel behind, because I know my ideal self has endless energy and motivation. Needs no sleep, no emotions, is basically just an efficient robot. It is because I am inefficient. I always need more time for tasks and now in my masters degree I often encounter subjects where I just cannot wrap my head around and I feel incredibly stupid. I know that I do tend to hijack myself into failing as well, because I need to push harder and harder to catch up, but end up burned out faster and faster and I am since a year at a point where I cannot push harder anymore. I totally failed one semestre because I had constant brain fog, and so on. And it made me question really hard my identity and also my well-being. We all have strengths and despite my "lackings" I do have a lot to offer to a future employer (which is my fear of being homeless after my studies, because we were very poor in my childhood). And I now try to distance myself very hard from this "ideal self". There are ideals to be held, if it comes to society or own values and stuff, but humans are not robots. We werent designed to be and we also shouldnt be, because its not "our job". Therefore we have tools and stuff. It got better and now I can even talk to my peers about my struggles and oh wonder, they all felt the same to some degree. I even joined a learning group which I never did, because it would meant that people see me struggle or giving wrong/stupid answers, but I am fine with it now. I accept that I cannot and will not know everything. Shame is such an isolator. Its astounding that we are hardwired to connect and than there are protective systems doing the exact opposite, because of security/survival-issues. Thanks again, love your content!
@@fariii7 Hey there - really appreciate you checking in with me. 🙂 Just started my thesis a month ago and although I am still being slow, probably, I have been very diligent on my literature research etc., so thats also a big plus and I made a very good workflow for my literature notes, so Its easier for me to flesh out the chapters. I think the message is, that those are my strengths here and I am trying to utilize them. Feel free to share your story, I would be interested in listening to you. - until then - take care 🙂
The people in my friend group are actually financial advisors for Amazon’s corporate office in Seattle. I work for Amazon too, I stack boxes at one of their warehouses 😂
15:53 As soon as I heard those words, tears immediately started steaming down my face, because that's something I can't bring to tell myself. This video really spoke out to me and covers everything I've been feeling as I'm also in my 30s, running my own business, and feel underachieved and I'm scrambling to work harder to be more successful
This is something I struggle with , although I don’t think of myself as struggling with shame. I do feel that I am not good enough, but I think that’s more of an objective assessment than a negative frame of mind. I have a life that I want for myself and my family, and, while the life we live is great, it falls short of what I think I can achieve. If that’s the case, then I am per se not good enough, because if I was I would already be where I want to be (the shame gap you talk about). For me, I don’t have a sense of sadness attached to this observation. It does cause me anxiety, but that anxiety is making sure that I am taking the steps necessary to get me from where I am to where I want to be. I feel proud when I take a step forward, and have immense pride in the progress I have made over the course of my life. I write this comment to request Dr. K touch on this balance. On one hand, it’s stressful to hold yourself to this ideal image (as stated in this video), but on the other hand we need an ideal image of ourselves in order to have motivation and direction to improve ourselves. How do we continue to improve ourselves without the negative feeling of falling short of our ideal? Is that negative feeling even something we want to avoid? Or is that our conscious prodding us to stay on track?
but how can you NOT be ashamed if say you're old and living with your parents and you can't hold a job and you are unattractive.. what is there to be proud of?
I know this is super hard and humbling but literally focus on the tiniest improvements you can manage. And literally tell yourself that at leart you're doing better than one day ago.
There's no need to feel ashamed about things you cannot control. It would be absurd to be upset about being unable to breathe water, people are not built to do that. If you are physically unattractive that's okay you are just not built for that. It's frustrating but you just have to accept that you can't live without breathing, cheat death or swallow the sun.
For anyone who also watches Jordan Peterson - Dr.K. mentioned that it's okay to have ideals and also that being good enough doesn't mean apathy or not working on addressing your flaws. I just listened to a JBP lecture where he mentioned that to him "you're fine, accept yourself as you are" was a self-destructive nihilistic idea. But I don't think Peterson would discard the "you're good enough" idea if it was brought in its right context. Dr. K. advocates for self-acceptance as a first step towards improvement not as a last step towards doing nothing. This took time for me to process.
It really is a tricky balance. You need to orient yourself so that you are headed towards something good, while at the same time recognizing that because you are imperfect in many ways, you are going to face many bumps on the road (but it's not necessary to berate yourself over them). The problem is that everytime you stumble it's easy to be disappointed and question whether there's something wrong with you or the path you choose in the first place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I agree with your comment. Trying to be the best version of yourself is a thorny path, and if you have no self acceptance every thorn just hurts that much more.
Peterson always has that vibe of "if I act like I'm sure of myself everyone will think I'm smart." Anyone who acts like he has all the answers is sus because he'll make something up and act like he's fully confident in the information. Plus I've never heard Peterson source actual studies. Dr K will at least tell you where he got his info.
@@kaedatiger I think the books have sources and Peterson often quotes Kirkegaard or Jung but unlike for Solljenyzin I don't remember him following the name with the book title. Except for once - in a video about working on your shadow he mentioned two books by Jung by name one of which was "Aion" (?).
@@destroyerinazuma96 Jung is largely debunked by scientific studies 🤦♀️. And Kirkegaard is a philisopher. Thanks for correcting me though. I don't really listen to Peterson because everything about him bothers me, including that stupid quote comparing people to lobsters.
My parents constantly shame me for being unsuccessful. I feel like there's nothing I can do about that. I know it's not my fault. I had some bad things happen (out of my control). But my parents have their goals set all the way up here and I'm below what the average person would even consider acceptable. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a stabled source of income. So I often have to rely on my parents and that makes the shaming worse. Even when I have job that pays reasonably, they complain about how I should be making more. They expect me to do better. There's always "something wrong" with me. I'm the black sheep of the family, and have been for a good 2-3 years now. We all have ADD, but I'm expected to do better because I "have potential", but I'm actually doing worse than everyone else in my family and my parents are not ok with that. How can I not be ashamed of who I am if I'm constantly being shamed for failing? I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to fail and be shamed for it.
But you are unsuccessful in this part life which your parents want. Maybe you are not successful financial but you have healthy spirit life or something else. I know a lot of my colleagues that have successful financial life but they will be dead in 10-15 years because of stress, overworking and substances usage to relieve stress. So you are maybe less successful is some part but you can thrive in others
Same. I'm 29F. My life had fallen apart in all aspects, tiny amount of money, not many friends, never married (my fiancé left me a few years ago), no idea about the future and what it will hold except more of the same. Everyone else I know is getting married, having kids, surrounded by people and money and loving family. 😐
@@c.karnstein3299 yes bro but not many will keep all that many will fk up bc they werent ready for it, so just keep your head cool and just focus on your path
Bragging about your success and putting other people down in a hypercapitalist society with limited wealth mobility is like bragging about beating a wheelchair bound person in a race when you're Usain Bolt.
I don't agree that there's limited wealth mobility for the average person in North America. There are circumstances where that's the case, but it's an exception,
@@YeetYeetYe You can disagree all you'd like, but the research doesn't bare that out. Upward mobility is lower in the US than in European countries and countries with similar wealth. US social mobility has pretty much remained unchanged or decreased since the 1970s. You're most likely to stay within the economic quartile you're born in. This is a fact of economics called "stickiness at the ends". In fact, the exception is upward mobility. In addition to this, income inequality has increased, which contributes to a reduction in social mobility. There's a mountain of research on this. So disagreeing is fine, but the basis for your disagreement has no foundation of evidence to support it, and, conversely, you'd be contradicting a mountain of economic and socioeconomic research on this. The reality of the situation isn't really up for debate.
Also most wealth mobility happens over generations, expecting to go from rags to riches in one lifetime is virtually impossible. Most of us would be better off making sure our (future?) kids have the best upbringing possible.
@@YeetYeetYe Really rational response there. Ironically, there is research on this misperception as well from the American dream report. The majority of Americans have this misperception despite the reality of the research indicating the opposite. This is largely due to what is called a "civil religion" of the US. Unfortunately, the research indicates that this is a myth.
I feel this video is well informed and actually helps me understand and realise the problem a bit more. I feel ashamed about a lot of things. A lot of deep trauma comes from parenting and my parents expectations to achieve their standards. I did a lot in the past few years but I wouldn't say I'm entirely happy. I've went to uni and dropped out years ago, I worked at several jobs but didn't like many (the job I work now is fine). I feel like I'm one step forward, two steps behind. The thing that hinders me the most is how much I struggle to achieve what I want when I had so much potential and expectation to do those things in the past. I know I am talented at things I like but I'm always stuck in a loop. Now I'm doing things one bit at a time but sometimes think what is the point?
Lol shoutout to the adults in my life who would yell, scream, and insult me to feel shame to do better as a kid. Doesn’t feel so absurd when it’s happened to you all your childhood.
I "failed" in life until i was 40. Seen it all. Poverty, addiction, abuse, hunger. And now i realize that all the successful people got old too. Their bodies hurt too. They dont get laid too. They are depressed too.. We all are on a downwards ride towards death. How high or low you fly on the way there doesn't really matter. Forget your shame, your guilt and your pride. Its all an illusion anyway.
Kinda related but maybe not. A thought came to me about guilt vs shame or at least how I process, experienced, and understand them. At some point I thought I was too guilt driven and worked on removing it and acting out of confidence and a sense of righteousness maybe. But I ended up in a state where I didnt act or often feel guilt but I felt inadequate and confused and empty inside. Its hard to describe but I think I equated guilt and shame as the same but only worked on recognizing actions that were derived from guilt and letting them pass with an exhale. So while a useful practice I was focused on my reactions and not the source. So to sum what I think my comment is about, guilt is a more temporary energy within the body that compels action while shame is tied to identity - how I view myself and how I view others viewing me. Prior to all of this years ago, I made a ton of progress not really caring what others thought of me and realizing Ill never be perfect so why sweat about it but somewhere along the line I became attached to my ideal self and bring about a greater good into the world. So this gets confusing but I came super close or even attained my ideal but the results were not what I exactly imagined and as I got stronger and had more impact, I brought a ton of pain. All this to say is now, I abandoned what worked because I thought it brought pain into the world. So now relearning and better conceptualizing, maybe Im ready to accept myself for the pain I brought in and allow myself to hurt and be hurt again. That maybe Im not all that bad and the effort I now put in is adequate because as said in the video, the harder I work right now the more pain I feel for being inadequate and the times I let go of my identity and thoughts of how Im being perceived, the more relaxed, friendly, engaged, comfortable, and loving I am - which is what I originally wanted to bring into the world. (The problem with my previous self, was that people depended too hard on me for emotional support and needed my direction and energy to do anything it felt - so in my attempt to build them up, I felt unhealthily replied upon so I started telling people what I thought they truly needed to hear and protected myself from getting too involved and ultimately hurt a ton of people.)
My shame comes from not doing the things i wanted to do because I choose short term numbing. I want to go after my dream career, ive even got all the higher education done, i just cant make the portfolio of work needed to apply. Im scarred, alone, and exhausted as hell. I feel like thats a shame only progress can help.
I'm not expecting a reply from anything I say, I feel extremely lonely, exhausted, and really hateful of my life, I'm tired of the pain and loneliness it's crushing and today couldn't hold it in I need an outlet and I feel safe here and I feel like writing down my thoughts will help me feel a little better, I have no friends, no girlfriend, no family I've been disowned and forgotten, and broke with no job even though I've been searching this has been the longest I've gone without a job and I can't seek professional help because people can't be trusted and nothing in this world is free even help I hate my life I've been abandoned my whole life I know others claim to go through what I am going through right now but it's hard to believe everyday feels harder without getting better I feel my hope for something better leaving me I have so much hate for everything I wish can just let go of it I wish I wasn't Born unlovable I wish I didn't want to be deleted from this world and anybody do see this DO NOT RESPOND I DON'T NEED HELP I JUST WANTED TO VENT.
One of the best things I did was delete social media apps from my phone. The choice to browse them is still there on PC, but I'm much less likely to browse it out of boredom. The main downside of social media is that the posts you see are highly perfected and made to look much more appealing than real life. Seeing such perfection on a regular basis may make you feel less of yourself unconsciously.
Oh my god, 12:38 him just dropping truths and insights about how shame works in people who were abused as children. I've spent like 20 years understanding more and more about abuse but i never understood the shame stuff in that light. Wow. So amazingly simple but no one else explains it that way. (I'm 32 years old but an abused 12 year old kinda knows they're being abused)
And of course my abusive mom made me believe that if I behaved just right she wouldn't torture me and my brother the way she did. She insisted over and over and over for years on end that there was a way to achieve stopping the abuse and as long as the abuse was still happening it was because we failed and should be ashamed of ourselves. And even though on some level i always knew i wasn't a bad kid and didn't deserve any of this treatment and no one would deserve it. And i knew early on to not blame myself for the abuse. I still held onto a lot of this ingrained shame habit.
i can outperform most people with most things but no matter how well i do, success is not something that has ever been offered/allowed to me. from some of my earliest memories to the moment im typing this comment, all i have ever experienced was shame and disapproval and its solely because i was born impoverished so i dont deserve to know anything but suffering, shame and disapproval.
Oh boy, and when you have peers from higher income households?? Oof. Not only is it hard to relate to them sometimes, you don't want to ask for help for fear of being seen as a "handout" person. It's horrible.
Also when family shames you, that's a whole another level. Example in my case - 28 n no job, bf, still living with parents. Tried courses to get job but to no avail. Now my mom doesn't talk to me and treats me like garbage. Like bad I feel n try to do stuff but I feel the best thing would be to get a job elsewhere and leave this place. Leave the environment n ol.
If being perfect involved getting a good job, having a good physique, following an established routine, having a great soucial circle, and being able to balance everything atleast at decent level, how is it an unwinnable thing? Furthermore, being ashamed of not reaching this ideal version, won't it act as motivation to work to achieve it?
im 20 and feel practically the same way, yet apart wants to just be free from all this, to do whatever I want and see how life plays out yet the constant pushback from fellow family members who are all successful makes me feel inadquet, like I should be someone, constantly defined by society metrics, its all so annoying and tiring of having to live up to expectations.
One of the few times I simply can not agree. Achievement is the solution. There is a ideal self. Ideal does not mean perfect. Progress is not good enough since it doesnt change the state of what the self is in a meaningful way. Even if your improving without shame or concept of a ideal self, you are moving towards a ideal self through the act of improvement. It can not be avoided. Happiness is either the acceptance of being less than ideal or being ideal. How do you warrant accepting less than ideal when it's both achievable and reasonable.
Success-Shame is hard, but i will not give-up. INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity?! I genuinly wanna propose we go out o our way and searh for problem-content like p-rn and so-called kissing-praks and pseudoscience and maybe climate-change-denial and ask YT calm and civil to delete it. I think this is a number-thing and too many let Doomerism stop them from even trying.
I am not that frequent on this channel but I was just feeling bad and thought maybe dr k has some videos on it and this is the last updated video. Maybe this is a messege from the universe and i am grateful for it.
people often made us ashamed too for lack of success when we at about lowest. So we isolate ourself and feeling more ashamed. It is like nobody cares about your mental or physical health except myself and everyone respect me when I achieve external thing. in America first think they ask you is what you do for living? it means the whole respect they give you is based on financial success and job. I hope someone asked me how is your heart doing?
He's right.. you can't achieve your way out of it. From personal experience, you'll start feeling like a fraud. You'll question anyone's good opinion of you and your competence. And you'll run from your now-peers, which is embarrassing because you always looked up to them.
Wow, haven't watched the video but if the title is right, it came at the right time for me. Recently met someone, we had amazing chemistry, so many similar hobbies and things we liked. In the end after a month she decided to end it because of our earnings difference. Gotta say, it still hurts after a month, and while I try to make a change in my life, I'm still not able to catch her. Hopefully life will find a way.
Success-Shame is hard, but i will not give-up. INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se--al or less clickbaity?
Hard work betrays none, but dreams betray many. working hard alone doesn't assure you that you'll achieve your dreams. actually there are more cases where you don't. even so, working hard and achieving something is some consolation at least. Hikigaya Hachiman
Western philosophy: success brings happiness Oriental philosophies: ceasing to chase success as an end in itself will bring happiness In 2024, we can have the benefits of both philosophies
All guests of healthy gamer are informed of the public , non Merida nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story. What does that mean ??
I was freelancing and doing vfx shit and wanted to continue that as I am afraid of college but current situations pushing me to go there and so I am studying day & nite to pass the entrance
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." -Iroh
I need to rewatch this show.
Drinking my nightly tea in honor of the true fire lord, Iroh.
What about humiliation?
Success-Shame is hard,
but i will not give-up.
INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like
to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT
to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity?
'We' could really need more people who attempt to help YT.
@@holeymoley712 I think humility and humiliation pertains to two completely different meanings. Humility is more of an action, to show humbleness despite success, achievements and failure. Humiliation is a feeling. To feel humiliated by the criticism of others, for example.
I spent my whole 20s feeling shame about my lack of progress in life. I watched people I knew in high school go on to start families, etc. and actually achieve something for themselves. It sucks when you can't make that kind of normal progress in life, and your life moves at a standstill compared to other people.
I got to the point where I realized I was being unfair to myself. I'd been judging my life based on other people's lives. I'd been judging my progression based on their progression. But the thing is, I've had to deal with things they never had to worry about. I was born with Autism, which has always been a limiting factor for me. I have a learning disability. I have general and social anxiety disorders. These are all things I've had to deal with in addition to normal life, that no-one else I knew had to deal with.
In essence, I've been forced to play poker with a stacked deck against me, where they've had normal hands.
I reaffirmed to myself that while we're all playing the same game (life), we're not competing, and we do not all have a fair chance, and that's nobody's fault. That's life. It sucks when you're the one who drew the short stick, but that's how it is.
It was so hard to let go of that shame - especially with society's attitude toward those who can't provide - and to accept that I'm doing the best that I can. It was hard to let myself be okay with who I am, and where I am in life, because I've always thought I should've been able to do better.
But I can't. I'm doing the best I can.
And that's not a resignation, that is accepting that there are some things beyond my control, and so I focus on the things that are within my control, as few as those number in life.
I don't feel shame about that anymore, because I've accepted these truths, I've accepted myself, and I started focusing on what makes me happy, rather than what I think would please society.
Amen!!
Thank you so much for sharing this!
My son is autistic. As I’ve been learning what makes him authentically him, and how to parent him based on that, and what I’ve noticed my hopes for him looks like for when he becomes fully grown, the potential that I see in him isn’t so much based in comparison (how he may stack up to others), but in who is authentically is (who is he naturally when he’s being himself? What might his contribution look like when he’s fully grown?)
We all aren’t meant to climb the same ladders, “to compete” with each other. All of our paths are completely unique. Maybe it’s just me, but I believe we all have the capacity to discover a direction for ourselves that fits who we really are.
Dang same, except I dont seem to actually want anything so I just keep on doing whatever people want
you can go to therapy and work on your anxieties.
Agreed to a certain extent. Regardless of where you are you probably aren't as "behind" as you think. You're not just comparing yourself to others. You're comparing yourself to only people you believe are successful. If you really did a genuine comparison, you'd be far more "ahead," then you probably realize. At the end of the day, comparisons are useless like you said. We all live such completely different lives, yet you still think life is a single track. That people are either "better" or "worse" at you in life. We all have our lives and our own goals, there is no better or worse, ahead or behind, it's life, there's no metric except your own, so please don't put yourself down so much.
Takeaways:
→ Antidote to shame is actually compassion towards self.
→ Acceptance is not giving up, sometimes it can be taking small steps.
→ Work on the emotions, catch your thoughts, go to therapy, …
→ Ego tends to move the goal posts, as you approach it.
"You have the potential, you just choose not to use it." was something I heard over and over again growing up. Why should I have to do something like everyone else when I'm happy with who I am?
/screams in ADHD
Yeah, and furthermore when you were a child, it wasn't a choice. Children haven't yet developed the ability for the kind of critical thinking that leads to what we consider to be informed choices because their brains are still developing.
Because, if they had your skills they’d be conquering planets.
@@CatalogK9 Sadly yes, same story here
@@FindingIcarus Isn't it amazing when adults expect the same kind of mental capacity that they have from children when the brain is still underdeveloped. They can give these expectations of what you should be/should do/shouldn't do but might not explain at all the "why" or "how". And thus the child can learn to feel like a failure if it can't live up to those arbitrary expectations set for them by people who are in completely different stage of development. And then with failure to live up to those expectations comes the shame.
This goes doubly for kids suffering from undiagnosed mental health challenges since childhood
Getting rid of the "ideal self" (which is a harmful, fictional, nonexistent construct by the way) is one of the best things one can do for their mental health. And only then begin incremental improvements in the other spheres of life, but not for the reason that we want to be "good enough", but so that it's good for us and we feel good/satisfied about it.
I'd say it should be done in caution. As completely getting rid of ideal self can result in being completely unmotivated.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 Maybe there's a middleground? Like, letting go of the "ideal self" and instead working towards "ideal situations". So you have something to strive towards to make you motivated, but it's something external, it's not connected to your sense of identity.
I don't know, just speculating.
@@nataliep6385 balance, my friend. Neither extreme is not good.
@@letsreadtextbook1687 as an atheist in a 12 step program, I use my ideal self as a higher power. Essentially a "me" that has lived a perfect program. An alternative to "what would Jesus do" basically. It's definitely a balancing act between helpful and toxic though.
@@DrDipsh1t Jordan Peterson offers a "self-authoring program" which is a written and thought exercise that does what you are doing. It doesn't involve God it only involves a place you'd like to be in let's say three years. It ends up being down to earth - "what kind of job would you like to have in three years? What are the intermediate steps to reasonably get there in three years?"
This is almost unavoidable in a global world where we instinctually compare ourselves to everyone else. I feel shame when I have massive failures. I just take one step at a time and focus only on what I need to do right now.
We all started at different places and times, with different resources and abilities. All we can do is play the cards we’ve been dealt.
Chase your dreams.
“Shame, Shame, Shame …”
There is no hope for you …
True
I was a 'failure' my whole life as a person who dealt with adhd and being prone to addiction. But I only became miserable and severely depressed when I started spending more time online learning about how other people live their lives.
Yeah cuz You’re so brilliant right! Stfu
I was filled with shame when I couldn’t live up to my peers standards. I remember being racked with anxiety and shame over messing up constantly because of my adhd. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. But now I accept who I am. I stopped trying to be like others and am now working towards being myself. I no longer have shame because I am who I am and I accept it.
@@Dimitris_Half I am, Please explain to me why waiting to date means I’m not over my shame? Your comment doesn’t make sense here…
god adhd sucks...one of the worst things ever...you can't even get rid of it...people like me who don't wanna take medications find it so hard to cope with it...regular exercise, meditation and good diet just eases it in a way but if you miss them even for a single day BOOM! everything goes haywire once again..
@@nandishsenpai4646 yup, try being in the military with it…🙄
@@Dimitris_Half I don’t. Everyone goes at their own pace, everyone has their own goals and plans. Mines just happen to require focus. Ever heard of the boat analogy?
“A man takes a boat to get to an island of gold. He could carry a certain amount on the ride but that would slow him down. Why carry extra weight when he could simply wait to get to the island?”
So no, I carry no shame in being single. Unlike most I don’t tie my happiness to others. As for “truly accepting myself” I do. I just want to get my life together before I let others in it.
@@Dimitris_Half that’s ok, I don’t care what you think. You are entitled to your own opinion. Have a nice day.
"A man of YOUR talents, FARMING?"
"It's a peaceful life."
I feel that exchange applies here.
I feel like one day I'd like to be able to give such answer to a similar question
where is this from?
@@heythere2480 don't know for sure, search by quote gave me one of the Star Wars movies
@@heythere2480 Rogue One
Apart from being unresolvable through progress, I've found shame to be antithetic to progress. For 26 years of my life I fueled my game development on shame. I believed in the crucible approach of hating myself to success; "I need to finish this project because I'll be a complete failure otherwise. I just need to stop being so lazy and work. If I fail at this, then I'm truly irredeemable." It led me to truly hate myself and my work, but it also hurt my ability to even finish in the first place. I'd work myself into mental breakdowns where I was out for weeks. I never finished any full games that way. Then, last year I refreshed and started on a new project. I had the intention of just working on it when I feel like, and to not be ashamed of feelings of "laziness" when I don't. I'm getting ready to release that project next month. It's the furthest I've ever gotten in any project of this scope, and it was achieved through doing my best to not feel so shitty about myself.
Self acceptance is OP, ya'll. Get with it.
@coyote g. Thanks so much! It's called Fall For You. Plenty of videos and links to demos on my channel if you're interested!
Can you elaborate more on how do you do self-acceptance? I suffer from the same problem with writing.
@@shastasilverchairsg The biggest thing for me has been understanding that my creativity and motivation isn't always "on." If I don't feel like working on my project one day, I don't work. In fact, I force myself not to work. This really helps me out, because forcing yourself to work often leads to bad outcomes that make you feel worse about yourself. Grounding meditation is also crucial, especially when I feel myself slipping down a road of self-doubt. Also, comparing past work to current work and brushing up on basic skills really helps me feel like I'm getting somewhere with my creative process. You might never be "good enough," but you'll almost always be better than you were a year ago!
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Jiddu Krishnamurti
Success-Shame is hard,
but i will not give-up.
INSTEAD i will ask-around in this commentsection here if someone would like
to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT
to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity?
I genuinly wanna propose we go out o our way and searh for problem-content
like p-rn and so-called kissing-praks and pseudoscience and maybe climate-change-denial
and ask YT calm and civil to delete it. I think this is a number-thing and too many
let Doomerism stop them from even trying.
I'm afraid if I let go of my "ideal self," I let go of all my dreams and ambitions, which I still want with all my heart to reach. Yes, I am good enough, but why doesn't that mean I can try to do great things?
i think that 'letting go of trying to do great things' is not the takeaway here. It's just that you don't need to be your 'ideal self' to be a worthy person, as you are, you are enough. But if you want to try and do great things, do them because you want it, not because you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you didn't.
If you know you are already worthy, and great as you are, then you can do them out of a pure sense of desire and ownership of your own life, not as a mere slave to shame. Climbing a mountain because you like the climb is thrilling, climbing it because you feel like you have to is miserable
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on your dreams, it just means that you are not attached to this goal (it is just a preference) but you still work towards it
This hits home. I'm constantly feeling suicidal, angry, and ashamed that I've ruined my life and that I'm not successful. I'm about to enter my last year of my 20s and I don't have anything I wanted for my life. I have no degree, no property ownership, no career, no marriage, and nothing to be happy about. I have no way to fix this either. I can't ever have the career I wanted because I was stupid and though I had all the time in the world. I never even got the traditional college experience and I never will. I can't get over it. It's all my fault.
Hey man, it’s not over! What was your ideal career? What small things can you do right now to move towards it?
I felt this man, im only 27 but i feel the exact same way as you
It's not too late honestly. You can still go to college if you want at your 30's, since there's others that done it before. Even older, it's not like college has an age requirement for you when to join. Plus if you feel bad on missing out on a degree- remember on you're luckily missing out possibly on student debt anyways (If you live in the US that is). But honestly don't focus too much on age either, focus on what you can do now to achieve your dreams regardless of age while you still have time.
I'm 24 and feel the same way, Uni dropout turned bartender and feel like I failed in life. Still got to look towards the future right?
26, never had a job for more than two weeks and flunked three times out of college. If its not too late for me, it won't be for you
Progress isnt enough because Im still scarred by everything wrong with my life. Everyday and Everything is a constant reminder, its not enough to just turn off linkedin or instagram; you look outside and find people who didnt have the abandonment, abuse, regrets and the loneliness you have. Oh sure you made progress here and there but all you can think about is where you'd be if not for what happened. It never goes away, it just haunts you. No matter how many therapists you sing like a canary to, no matter how many times you get on your knees and pray to Jesus; its there.
Yeah that’s a mood I feel too
"all you can think about is where you'd be if not for what happened" uff right there, that is so toxic and so addictive to ruminate on it. been there, kinda still there, but someday, if you keep trying, something will click, in your mind, heart, body, soul. be kind to yourself, at first you dont even know how tho. this channel is super helpful so you may find just the right message for you in here -i have. sending you love, take care!
Progress has always to be defined new on a regulary basis. It cannot be progress if you chopped all the trees from a rain forest.
This is such a huge thing for those of us with ADHD, especially, with late diagnoses. We go our whole lives unable to live up to some neurotypical standard that is forever out of our reach, never allowed to realize that we're just running on different operating systems, and "simply" (ha) need to take a different approach to life in order to discover our *true* potential (which is going to look very different from the ideas neurotypicals may have). Macs aren't inferior because they can't open .exe files (I'd like to see a PC try to match the efficiency of Handoff and Mission Control/Spaces); they just need programs to be packaged in a different format, and then are often able to run them just as well, if not better, than PCs with comparable hardware specs. My Switch can't handle Minecraft anymore, but my Xbox Series X can't use the motion controls needed for Mario Golf or Skyward Sword, either. Letting go of the idea of my "potential" after my diagnosis has been a lengthy (and still ongoing) struggle, but the freedom of allowing myself to accept and embrace the idea that I am enough, that I am a valuable person apart from my achievement or intelligence is indescribable. Yes, I'm 35 and beginning my 3rd year in community college, about halfway to "finally" getting a bachelor's degree, but so what? I learned a ton and figured out who I was and what I wanted during that 15-year summer break, and now I'm *already* halfway to getting my bachelor's degree, with the benefit of those years of experience and personal growth I wouldn't have had if I'd gone to college straight out of high school, and my son wouldn't be able to personally witness my efforts and continued growth, and thus be able to fully appreciate the life lessons that go with it. If I had gotten diagnosed and treated as a kid, I never would have been motivated to become a lay expert on ADHD, and I never would have been so vigilant to catch his at 2 years old or so determined to get him proper treatment starting at 4, and he would've been stuck struggling needlessly during his most formative years instead of being able to bloom and grow on a much more level playing field. If I hadn't been duped into an abusive marriage at a young age, I never would've learned so much about psychology and how to spot and avoid abusive situations in order to pass on that knowledge to others who have needed it. No amount of "failure" or "wasted time" in our lives is truly either of those things, once we let go of "shoulding on ourselves" and embrace our less-than-ideal past experiences for the value they can carry into our future. This is easier said than done, but the core takeaway I've found over the past eight years or so.
On spectrum here, Asperger's. So much shame for just being on spectrum. Life puts that shame into me though. I really don't have ideal self. I have ideal self others impose on me and that is not achievable, it's impossible to achieve. Then I believed no one would accept the real me. I'm told several people now. Some had said they have always suspected. Had people tell me they thing no less of me and tell me they have ADHD. My grade 3 teacher was wrong. People do accept me and I accept myself flaw and all. Accepting my flaws and been great for me. I can accommodate them easier. Took me 11 years to get my education so I hear you. Certainly not easy but acceptance of your self is key.
This is EXACTLY what I’ve been dealing with most of my life. I’m 22 still with no license, car, still don’t know what I want to do with my life but the craving to make my own money has been killing me everyday as I walk into stocking Walmart shelves. These 4-6 months have been the longest streak of depression free I’ve had in my whole life. Just recently I’ve started not to care what other people think. I don’t know what massive personal step I’m about to take next but you have been so helpful to me. I’ve been obsessed with self development, self help, self improvement, psychology content since I was 12 but has taken me this long to improve consciously. Whatever you’re doing is golden.
Good luck to you bro. I'm 21 and I see myself in you.
I'm 21 at the same place
Society is built on competition. That is the only way the rich gets richer. A billion dollar net worth person might get ashamed knowing there is someone even richer than him. If you understand that hierarchy then shame is just an illusion.
I think it is one thing to have that self-compassion and patience, and a different one to know how to navigate social relations where people do still judge you that way.
I don't get. Cause wouldn't they see you're changing in time and stop thinking of you that way?
@@D_Jilla change how? If you're short you'll never be tall. If you're genetically predisposed to balding you will most likely bald. If you're eyesight is really bad you can't be a pilot. Somethings are beyond our control and no matter how much we change we wont be able to achieve them. We know it's not our fault but we still feel shame that we cant achieve those things. We may compare us with ourselves only but society won't. From the eyes of a university if my grades are worse because of anxiety, adhd etc i will be considered inferior. The world is cruel and sometimes i just feel hopeless
if they don't have compassion or appreciation for you because you're not successful, you're not a bad person, they're a bad person
its great how a lot of people is capable of writing such posts, realizing there's a problem, asking for help, explaining stuff
congratz dr k youre awesome!
After going through job interviews and being constantly rejected, it's hard to feel adequate
Went through the same thing before I found a job where I stayed for three years. And yes, it is difficult and hits hard on one's self-esteem, at least initially. Stay strong - you are good enough, getting rejected is beyond your control and somewhat random actually. Just keep applying. Also - recruiters are a bunch of really stupid people who have no idea what they are doing, and if they rejected you and seemed at least a bit toxic on an interview, consider that a blessing in disguise. Once you learn not to take the job market too seriously, it starts getting easier.
the job search honestly has to be one of the most defeating aspects of the modern world. It's very hard to detach yourself from, not only a measure of self-worth, but also the seeming inability to change your financial and or work environment situation
@@h4xi0rek do you think it's normal to be rejected when applying for jobs
@@JustprettytingzI think that there is a number of rejections that is abnormal.
It's like how in the boomer generation, minimum wage would have the purchasing power of what a degreed worker makes after building up some years in the position.
There is an unstated assumption of how valuable effort and time is, and an assumption that it flows cleanly and leads to clear rewards.
Achievement is not the antidote to achievement
Shame is not an emotion. It is a result of the gap between you and your ideal self.
When there's no ideal self, there's no shame
Success will not fix your shame. It makes you expect more out of yourself, thus you move goal posts and feel like you have more to achieve.
Now you realise you can never be your ideal self cause you'll keep expecting the impossible from yourself
Be proud of the effort you put in, not your 'progress'
Get rid of your ideal self and acknowledge that you're great as you are
Accept yourself and improve lil by lil
You might wanna go to therapy to work with your shame complex and get to the bottom of where your shame comes from
Why should we accept effort that does not produce results? I desperately exert myself from when I get home to three or four in the morning and get NOTHING done. Every attempt is a gamble that only sorta works a couple times a year, and it looks like I'm not engaging. My family has given up on me, during a very rough time where I feel like I am unraveling, and I was asking to hear about potential opportunities they were angry at me for missing.
When he said, “there’s no ideal self, there’s only you.. at the beginning it’s terrifying..”. It was terrifying, like what and who am I actually chasing and berating myself over for not being held up to?
Then he proceeded by saying, “you know what’s even more terrifying? the version of you that is.. is good enough!”
I teared up at work. I don’t think any one (family, ex’s) has ever really told me that I’m good enough (always room for improvement, though) … there I go again.. 🙄
We are acceptable for who we are, not who we think we should be. - Anthony Hopkins
- Sam, Canada, ex-con, recovering alcohol and cocaine addict.
PS thank you so much, your channel is amazing. You’re doing good work.
"One step forward" >> "one step towards an unreachable goal". Wow. Although I wish I knew this simple bit of wisdom years ago, I'm at least grateful to be learning it now!
As a business owner I still kind of struggle with this feeling myself. But one thing I've learned is that being around people who are hustling to build the life they want actually helps you to do it yourself. Don't run away from those people. Also, they have had all the same worries you have, and might still have them now even though you think of them as successful. Every single business owner knows the fear and worry you go through, no one succeeds overnight.
I’m a 24 year old, that’s always held highest expectations of myself. Expectations that are unachievable.
I currently work at grocery store and constantly berate myself for not achieving success in my life.
I’ve always questioned how is success defined. I’ve tried to warp it away from the traditionally defined metrics of society. Although the only way to feel any emotional regulation is to conform to the universally held standards, that would be money, status and looks.
I thought competencies would be the crowning factor of how the world views you. The world doesn’t see it. They only have enough time to look at you from a glance, to determine if that glance makes you important enough to hold attention.
By warping the definition of success I have felt, what I think is shame. I have to idea what path to take to achieve success. I suppose I’m currently just marching though life trying to give it my best and praying it falls in my hands. I don’t know how to manipulate circumstances so they become more favourable to me.
I crave success, and want to be satisfied in life. At times I feel optimism, when I’m out in the world. Yet, when I come to back home, my parents home, the world seems to bleak pessimistic and lacking promise.
Success is an internal feeling. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, no matter what that life is, you succeeded.
Nobody on their deathbed wishes they had a better career or made more money. What really matters in life are the small moments that we experience day to day.
Thinking that achivements will lead to happiness is a very dangerous path because there will always be the next achivement that we start to chase when we realize we are still not happy. Consider how many extremely successful people are still unhappy and end up killing themselves.
This is the first video I've watched where I was hanging on every word Dr. K is saying. That "there is no ideal you, there's just you, and you are enough" feels very untrue to me too, although I understand that for someone who doesn't have this problem it might sound evident. I've been holding on to this "ideal self" for about as long as the poster has and identify with him a lot. Good luck to all of us trying to overcome this
My problem is not that I'm trying to achieve what a guy with flash cars and city living has. But I can barely keep up with all of the ordinary people around me. I'm below even the average lifestyle.
@@ezaf5989 Anime is really your best insult? Can't you put a bit more effort in?
@@ezaf5989 ahem, it's not a child, and it's a vtuber 🤓
Any art I finished as a kid, people would point out little mistakes in my drawings or music, so I would always hide my art and never finish in fear that the final piece would be critiqued badly again. Now as an adult people are shaming me for not finishing my projects, and so I just hide away from everyone. It's just me and this fear that I'm slowly shaking off. Nobody understands me. Because I don't show my work anymore, they think I'm simply a lazy, antisocial, basement dweller... I'm realizing a lot of things from this video... Idk, if I should have more patience with the people in my life or should seriously learn to accept this resentment.
When people show you how shitty they are they offer you a blessing in disguise - now you know who to avoid and that you need to find a better crowd ;)
@@h4xi0rek - You're right, I should find some art friends where I can find the morale I desire for my art. RUclips therapy has served me the clarity I need to thrive.
@@h4xi0rek facts. I wrote a song about someone that made me feel unworthy. Your own suffering can sometimes be a gift to inspirational art.
37 years old and I'm nothing but shame and regrets. Life is honestly hell, I'm completely lost. No money on the side, overweight, potentially lung cancer...
you seriously don't know how much this video helped me finally discover what was causing all this. I can finally make a a bit of progress after months of trying to understand myself. Think I got the last piece to the puzzle
This spoke to me. So much. Not just the generic advice. Really validating to hear that childhood part. Thank you. Thank you so much. And it's so comforting to know other people can relate to these concepts. Rooting for all of us; we can do it!!
yeee i used to be so afraid of being pathetic , not challenging myself enough, being lazy etc etc. now i'm like....eh i'm pathetic....whatever that's fine too...and also reminding myself i don't owe anyone to be great.
Having spent my entire life around successful or soon-to-be successful people with high-paying jobs and impossibly high grades, these feelings aren’t unfamiliar to me. I’m not like them. I’m probably one of the only people in my grade that graduated and went into a useless humanities major. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go into law or medicine because I just don’t have the academic abilities nor the mental capacity. I didn’t get into a good college either, and seeing everyone I know study abroad while I’m still in my country at a pay-to-win private university kinda eats at my self-worth. I depend too much on my parents, who I am eternally grateful for for supporting me financially, but and don’t know if I’ll stop having to depend on them any time soon, knowing that my future probably doesn’t hold much good fortune for me anyways.
People ask me how I can love myself and also not feel good enough. The thing is that I do think I'm kinda awesome. But I feel the expectations of me is perfection and does I can never live up to it. Cuz no matter how good I get I'll still not be good enough to be perfect.
Which in my mind the world expects from me
almost in tears over this one 🥺 it just hit different
Are you OK buddy?
@@nielskorpel8860 Yeah, I am now. I appreciate you.
My problem with this concept is that shame is sometimes my only motivation to do things - if I wouldn't feel shame I wouldn't even clean or get a job or work on my mental health.
God I love Dr. K and healthy gamer. Such a funny, knowledgeable, and caring guy. Healthy gamer has truly helped me make so much progress in the way that I view my self and my life. It has helped me work through and become aware of the intricacies surrounding emotions and thoughts. I can look back and see in the last few years I’ve learned so much from this Chanel and may not implement everything perfectly, but damn have I made good progress.
I think focusing on your immediate self is usually the best thing to do. Instead of chasing a dream, focus on the current you. And focus not on the end goal, but the path to the goal. Achievement is not having a clean room. It's taking out the trash. Achievement is not having 6pack abs. It's going for a run. Then you can be proud of who you are at the present, and not ashamed that you haven't reached your goals.
Yup all life is in present
But you can have an ideal self without shame. I do. It’s something to strive forward to. & every achievement step towards it feels great because you’re advancing forward. Like completing the next level in a video game.
Thanks Dr. K, this is something that I am still struggling with, even though I get huge swatchs of compassion from my friends & family now. I often still feel behind, because I know my ideal self has endless energy and motivation. Needs no sleep, no emotions, is basically just an efficient robot. It is because I am inefficient. I always need more time for tasks and now in my masters degree I often encounter subjects where I just cannot wrap my head around and I feel incredibly stupid. I know that I do tend to hijack myself into failing as well, because I need to push harder and harder to catch up, but end up burned out faster and faster and I am since a year at a point where I cannot push harder anymore. I totally failed one semestre because I had constant brain fog, and so on. And it made me question really hard my identity and also my well-being. We all have strengths and despite my "lackings" I do have a lot to offer to a future employer (which is my fear of being homeless after my studies, because we were very poor in my childhood). And I now try to distance myself very hard from this "ideal self". There are ideals to be held, if it comes to society or own values and stuff, but humans are not robots. We werent designed to be and we also shouldnt be, because its not "our job". Therefore we have tools and stuff. It got better and now I can even talk to my peers about my struggles and oh wonder, they all felt the same to some degree. I even joined a learning group which I never did, because it would meant that people see me struggle or giving wrong/stupid answers, but I am fine with it now. I accept that I cannot and will not know everything. Shame is such an isolator. Its astounding that we are hardwired to connect and than there are protective systems doing the exact opposite, because of security/survival-issues. Thanks again, love your content!
Love this comment, I relate to your life. Hope you're doing well.
@@fariii7 Hey there - really appreciate you checking in with me. 🙂
Just started my thesis a month ago and although I am still being slow, probably, I have been very diligent on my literature research etc., so thats also a big plus and I made a very good workflow for my literature notes, so Its easier for me to flesh out the chapters. I think the message is, that those are my strengths here and I am trying to utilize them.
Feel free to share your story, I would be interested in listening to you. - until then
- take care 🙂
The people in my friend group are actually financial advisors for Amazon’s corporate office in Seattle. I work for Amazon too, I stack boxes at one of their warehouses 😂
That's messed up
Why? You are the backbone of Amazon.
15:53 As soon as I heard those words, tears immediately started steaming down my face, because that's something I can't bring to tell myself. This video really spoke out to me and covers everything I've been feeling as I'm also in my 30s, running my own business, and feel underachieved and I'm scrambling to work harder to be more successful
This is something I struggle with , although I don’t think of myself as struggling with shame. I do feel that I am not good enough, but I think that’s more of an objective assessment than a negative frame of mind. I have a life that I want for myself and my family, and, while the life we live is great, it falls short of what I think I can achieve. If that’s the case, then I am per se not good enough, because if I was I would already be where I want to be (the shame gap you talk about). For me, I don’t have a sense of sadness attached to this observation. It does cause me anxiety, but that anxiety is making sure that I am taking the steps necessary to get me from where I am to where I want to be. I feel proud when I take a step forward, and have immense pride in the progress I have made over the course of my life.
I write this comment to request Dr. K touch on this balance. On one hand, it’s stressful to hold yourself to this ideal image (as stated in this video), but on the other hand we need an ideal image of ourselves in order to have motivation and direction to improve ourselves. How do we continue to improve ourselves without the negative feeling of falling short of our ideal? Is that negative feeling even something we want to avoid? Or is that our conscious prodding us to stay on track?
but how can you NOT be ashamed if say you're old and living with your parents and you can't hold a job and you are unattractive.. what is there to be proud of?
Dude a lot of people are living with their parents even in their 20s these days. The economy is going to crap anyways, nothing to be ashamed of there.
Pride is not the opposite of shame
I know this is super hard and humbling but literally focus on the tiniest improvements you can manage. And literally tell yourself that at leart you're doing better than one day ago.
There's no need to feel ashamed about things you cannot control. It would be absurd to be upset about being unable to breathe water, people are not built to do that. If you are physically unattractive that's okay you are just not built for that. It's frustrating but you just have to accept that you can't live without breathing, cheat death or swallow the sun.
I envy that your parents care enough to house you. Mine dgaf so I had to compromise my caution and morals to avoid homelessness.
15:27 when actual progress makes you feel ashamed lol. Know that feeling
For anyone who also watches Jordan Peterson - Dr.K. mentioned that it's okay to have ideals and also that being good enough doesn't mean apathy or not working on addressing your flaws. I just listened to a JBP lecture where he mentioned that to him "you're fine, accept yourself as you are" was a self-destructive nihilistic idea. But I don't think Peterson would discard the "you're good enough" idea if it was brought in its right context. Dr. K. advocates for self-acceptance as a first step towards improvement not as a last step towards doing nothing. This took time for me to process.
It really is a tricky balance. You need to orient yourself so that you are headed towards something good, while at the same time recognizing that because you are imperfect in many ways, you are going to face many bumps on the road (but it's not necessary to berate yourself over them). The problem is that everytime you stumble it's easy to be disappointed and question whether there's something wrong with you or the path you choose in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I agree with your comment. Trying to be the best version of yourself is a thorny path, and if you have no self acceptance every thorn just hurts that much more.
Peterson always has that vibe of "if I act like I'm sure of myself everyone will think I'm smart." Anyone who acts like he has all the answers is sus because he'll make something up and act like he's fully confident in the information. Plus I've never heard Peterson source actual studies. Dr K will at least tell you where he got his info.
@@kaedatiger I think the books have sources and Peterson often quotes Kirkegaard or Jung but unlike for Solljenyzin I don't remember him following the name with the book title. Except for once - in a video about working on your shadow he mentioned two books by Jung by name one of which was "Aion" (?).
@@destroyerinazuma96 Jung is largely debunked by scientific studies 🤦♀️. And Kirkegaard is a philisopher. Thanks for correcting me though. I don't really listen to Peterson because everything about him bothers me, including that stupid quote comparing people to lobsters.
My parents constantly shame me for being unsuccessful. I feel like there's nothing I can do about that. I know it's not my fault. I had some bad things happen (out of my control). But my parents have their goals set all the way up here and I'm below what the average person would even consider acceptable. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a stabled source of income. So I often have to rely on my parents and that makes the shaming worse. Even when I have job that pays reasonably, they complain about how I should be making more. They expect me to do better.
There's always "something wrong" with me. I'm the black sheep of the family, and have been for a good 2-3 years now. We all have ADD, but I'm expected to do better because I "have potential", but I'm actually doing worse than everyone else in my family and my parents are not ok with that.
How can I not be ashamed of who I am if I'm constantly being shamed for failing? I feel like no matter what I do I'm going to fail and be shamed for it.
But you are unsuccessful in this part life which your parents want. Maybe you are not successful financial but you have healthy spirit life or something else.
I know a lot of my colleagues that have successful financial life but they will be dead in 10-15 years because of stress, overworking and substances usage to relieve stress.
So you are maybe less successful is some part but you can thrive in others
I turned 30 this year. My life is pretty upsidedown and...I feel like such a failure all the time.
U have failed maybe yes, doesn't mean you are a failure, u are still alive and trying
Same. I'm 29F. My life had fallen apart in all aspects, tiny amount of money, not many friends, never married (my fiancé left me a few years ago), no idea about the future and what it will hold except more of the same. Everyone else I know is getting married, having kids, surrounded by people and money and loving family. 😐
@@c.karnstein3299 yes bro but not many will keep all that many will fk up bc they werent ready for it, so just keep your head cool and just focus on your path
@@senoow4215 This concept of 'failure' by societal standards is deeply harmful, arbitrary, and toxic. It needs to stop.
@@XXgamemaster i agree bro, everyone is trying to win a game only 0,001% "win"
Bragging about your success and putting other people down in a hypercapitalist society with limited wealth mobility is like bragging about beating a wheelchair bound person in a race when you're Usain Bolt.
I don't agree that there's limited wealth mobility for the average person in North America. There are circumstances where that's the case, but it's an exception,
@@YeetYeetYe You can disagree all you'd like, but the research doesn't bare that out. Upward mobility is lower in the US than in European countries and countries with similar wealth. US social mobility has pretty much remained unchanged or decreased since the 1970s. You're most likely to stay within the economic quartile you're born in. This is a fact of economics called "stickiness at the ends". In fact, the exception is upward mobility. In addition to this, income inequality has increased, which contributes to a reduction in social mobility. There's a mountain of research on this. So disagreeing is fine, but the basis for your disagreement has no foundation of evidence to support it, and, conversely, you'd be contradicting a mountain of economic and socioeconomic research on this. The reality of the situation isn't really up for debate.
@@myjciskate4 All I hear is cope. Work your ass off and achieve your dreams. Don't be a quitter.
Also most wealth mobility happens over generations, expecting to go from rags to riches in one lifetime is virtually impossible.
Most of us would be better off making sure our (future?) kids have the best upbringing possible.
@@YeetYeetYe Really rational response there. Ironically, there is research on this misperception as well from the American dream report. The majority of Americans have this misperception despite the reality of the research indicating the opposite. This is largely due to what is called a "civil religion" of the US. Unfortunately, the research indicates that this is a myth.
I feel this video is well informed and actually helps me understand and realise the problem a bit more. I feel ashamed about a lot of things. A lot of deep trauma comes from parenting and my parents expectations to achieve their standards. I did a lot in the past few years but I wouldn't say I'm entirely happy. I've went to uni and dropped out years ago, I worked at several jobs but didn't like many (the job I work now is fine). I feel like I'm one step forward, two steps behind. The thing that hinders me the most is how much I struggle to achieve what I want when I had so much potential and expectation to do those things in the past. I know I am talented at things I like but I'm always stuck in a loop. Now I'm doing things one bit at a time but sometimes think what is the point?
Lol shoutout to the adults in my life who would yell, scream, and insult me to feel shame to do better as a kid.
Doesn’t feel so absurd when it’s happened to you all your childhood.
I "failed" in life until i was 40. Seen it all. Poverty, addiction, abuse, hunger. And now i realize that all the successful people got old too. Their bodies hurt too. They dont get laid too. They are depressed too..
We all are on a downwards ride towards death. How high or low you fly on the way there doesn't really matter. Forget your shame, your guilt and your pride. Its all an illusion anyway.
cope
Kinda related but maybe not. A thought came to me about guilt vs shame or at least how I process, experienced, and understand them. At some point I thought I was too guilt driven and worked on removing it and acting out of confidence and a sense of righteousness maybe. But I ended up in a state where I didnt act or often feel guilt but I felt inadequate and confused and empty inside. Its hard to describe but I think I equated guilt and shame as the same but only worked on recognizing actions that were derived from guilt and letting them pass with an exhale. So while a useful practice I was focused on my reactions and not the source. So to sum what I think my comment is about, guilt is a more temporary energy within the body that compels action while shame is tied to identity - how I view myself and how I view others viewing me.
Prior to all of this years ago, I made a ton of progress not really caring what others thought of me and realizing Ill never be perfect so why sweat about it but somewhere along the line I became attached to my ideal self and bring about a greater good into the world. So this gets confusing but I came super close or even attained my ideal but the results were not what I exactly imagined and as I got stronger and had more impact, I brought a ton of pain. All this to say is now, I abandoned what worked because I thought it brought pain into the world. So now relearning and better conceptualizing, maybe Im ready to accept myself for the pain I brought in and allow myself to hurt and be hurt again. That maybe Im not all that bad and the effort I now put in is adequate because as said in the video, the harder I work right now the more pain I feel for being inadequate and the times I let go of my identity and thoughts of how Im being perceived, the more relaxed, friendly, engaged, comfortable, and loving I am - which is what I originally wanted to bring into the world. (The problem with my previous self, was that people depended too hard on me for emotional support and needed my direction and energy to do anything it felt - so in my attempt to build them up, I felt unhealthily replied upon so I started telling people what I thought they truly needed to hear and protected myself from getting too involved and ultimately hurt a ton of people.)
My shame comes from not doing the things i wanted to do because I choose short term numbing.
I want to go after my dream career, ive even got all the higher education done, i just cant make the portfolio of work needed to apply. Im scarred, alone, and exhausted as hell.
I feel like thats a shame only progress can help.
Accept that scared, exhausted, alone is normal feeling when we go and try do something new. Just it means that you are progressing
I'm not expecting a reply from anything I say, I feel extremely lonely, exhausted, and really hateful of my life, I'm tired of the pain and loneliness it's crushing and today couldn't hold it in I need an outlet and I feel safe here and I feel like writing down my thoughts will help me feel a little better, I have no friends, no girlfriend, no family I've been disowned and forgotten, and broke with no job even though I've been searching this has been the longest I've gone without a job and I can't seek professional help because people can't be trusted and nothing in this world is free even help I hate my life I've been abandoned my whole life I know others claim to go through what I am going through right now but it's hard to believe everyday feels harder without getting better I feel my hope for something better leaving me I have so much hate for everything I wish can just let go of it I wish I wasn't Born unlovable I wish I didn't want to be deleted from this world and anybody do see this DO NOT RESPOND I DON'T NEED HELP I JUST WANTED TO VENT.
Thank you for this, so helpful
One of the best things I did was delete social media apps from my phone.
The choice to browse them is still there on PC, but I'm much less likely to browse it out of boredom.
The main downside of social media is that the posts you see are highly perfected and made to look much more appealing than real life. Seeing such perfection on a regular basis may make you feel less of yourself unconsciously.
Anyone else sometimes watching Dr. K videos that don't relate to their problems, but then you realize it's exactly what you're experiencing?
Perfect timing as always, Dr.!
Really needed this one today. Thanks so much for sharing this :)
EI = unemployment insurance in Canada.
We call it employment insurance here.
Oh my god, 12:38 him just dropping truths and insights about how shame works in people who were abused as children. I've spent like 20 years understanding more and more about abuse but i never understood the shame stuff in that light. Wow. So amazingly simple but no one else explains it that way. (I'm 32 years old but an abused 12 year old kinda knows they're being abused)
And of course my abusive mom made me believe that if I behaved just right she wouldn't torture me and my brother the way she did. She insisted over and over and over for years on end that there was a way to achieve stopping the abuse and as long as the abuse was still happening it was because we failed and should be ashamed of ourselves.
And even though on some level i always knew i wasn't a bad kid and didn't deserve any of this treatment and no one would deserve it. And i knew early on to not blame myself for the abuse. I still held onto a lot of this ingrained shame habit.
I wish this video addressed other people wanting you to feel shame for being "worthless"
Beautiful. Best psychology channel out there. Cheers from Belgium !
i can outperform most people with most things but no matter how well i do, success is not something that has ever been offered/allowed to me. from some of my earliest memories to the moment im typing this comment, all i have ever experienced was shame and disapproval and its solely because i was born impoverished so i dont deserve to know anything but suffering, shame and disapproval.
Oh boy, and when you have peers from higher income households?? Oof. Not only is it hard to relate to them sometimes, you don't want to ask for help for fear of being seen as a "handout" person. It's horrible.
The ideal self is created by the ego. The true self is happy, loving and peaceful.
Dr. K is my questionably mortal hero
Shame ---> disgust ----> change ----> move goal posts ---> Anxiety
Also when family shames you, that's a whole another level. Example in my case - 28 n no job, bf, still living with parents. Tried courses to get job but to no avail. Now my mom doesn't talk to me and treats me like garbage. Like bad
I feel n try to do stuff but I feel the best thing would be to get a job elsewhere and leave this place. Leave the environment n ol.
If being perfect involved getting a good job, having a good physique, following an established routine, having a great soucial circle, and being able to balance everything atleast at decent level, how is it an unwinnable thing? Furthermore, being ashamed of not reaching this ideal version, won't it act as motivation to work to achieve it?
I wish I didn't have this loophole in high-school. It feels weird hearing this years from then
im 20 and feel practically the same way, yet apart wants to just be free from all this, to do whatever I want and see how life plays out yet the constant pushback from fellow family members who are all successful makes me feel inadquet, like I should be someone, constantly defined by society metrics, its all so annoying and tiring of having to live up to expectations.
One of the few times I simply can not agree. Achievement is the solution.
There is a ideal self. Ideal does not mean perfect. Progress is not good enough since it doesnt change the state of what the self is in a meaningful way.
Even if your improving without shame or concept of a ideal self, you are moving towards a ideal self through the act of improvement. It can not be avoided.
Happiness is either the acceptance of being less than ideal or being ideal. How do you warrant accepting less than ideal when it's both achievable and reasonable.
Success-Shame is hard,
but i will not give-up.
INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like
to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT
to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se-ual or less clickbaity?!
I genuinly wanna propose we go out o our way and searh for problem-content like p-rn and so-called kissing-praks and pseudoscience and maybe climate-change-denial and ask YT calm and civil to delete it. I think this is a number-thing and too many let Doomerism stop them from even trying.
I am not that frequent on this channel but I was just feeling bad and thought maybe dr k has some videos on it and this is the last updated video. Maybe this is a messege from the universe and i am grateful for it.
people often made us ashamed too for lack of success when we at about lowest. So we isolate ourself and feeling more ashamed. It is like nobody cares about your mental or physical health except myself and everyone respect me when I achieve external thing. in America first think they ask you is what you do for living? it means the whole respect they give you is based on financial success and job. I hope someone asked me how is your heart doing?
I rather say what I enjoy doing in life than what I have to
Because it's easiest thing to compare, he got car for 10k and he got for 100k, easy and simple
He's right.. you can't achieve your way out of it. From personal experience, you'll start feeling like a fraud. You'll question anyone's good opinion of you and your competence. And you'll run from your now-peers, which is embarrassing because you always looked up to them.
oh yeah this has been a constant for me for years, havent really tackled it so i appreciate the video
Thanks doc, I live in 3rd world country and I couldn't afford therapist. This is the most helpful channel in my life.
I'm confused about this concept, if you accept who you are won't you be less motivated to improve and get lazy mentally?
Wow, haven't watched the video but if the title is right, it came at the right time for me. Recently met someone, we had amazing chemistry, so many similar hobbies and things we liked. In the end after a month she decided to end it because of our earnings difference. Gotta say, it still hurts after a month, and while I try to make a change in my life, I'm still not able to catch her. Hopefully life will find a way.
I'm a late bloomer who had a case of Arrested Development , at 32 yo this one really hit.
Can I ask what was it about your development you thought was arrested?
@@theeternalgus9119 I spent too many years living for others without knowing what my own purpose was.
Loser life is the way:
• No expectations
• No effort
• everything good is a Bonus
If you don't want to feel ashamed, you need to let go of your pride.
Success-Shame is hard,
but i will not give-up.
INSTEAD i will ask-around in this comment-section here if someone would like
to help me with a Project of mine: Using the long-forgotten report-option of YT
to make the plattform healthier and less hateful or less se--al or less clickbaity?
@@loturzelrestaurant there is no success in shame, maybe I misunderstand what you are saying.
That sounds so weird cause it’s a cognitive strategy not an emotional one. It’s hard to identify pride
@@POPDATA I can identify it, letting go is a different story
Hard work betrays none, but dreams betray many. working hard alone doesn't assure you that you'll achieve your dreams. actually there are more cases where you don't. even so, working hard and achieving something is some consolation at least.
Hikigaya Hachiman
Working hard, getting little to nothing done, and having only failure to show for it gets demoralizing after a couple of decades.
There is no shame in defeat as long the spririt is unconquered
Western philosophy: success brings happiness
Oriental philosophies: ceasing to chase success as an end in itself will bring happiness
In 2024, we can have the benefits of both philosophies
I searched gaming. RUclips's algorithm is terrifyingly accurate.
All guests of healthy gamer are informed of the public , non Merida nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
What does that mean ??
My issue is that I KNOW I can be doing better, and I’m just not 😂
I was freelancing and doing vfx shit and wanted to continue that as I am afraid of college but current situations pushing me to go there and so I am studying day & nite to pass the entrance
12:36 ugh THIS. Not a fun combo with late(ish) diagnosed ADHD either
dude I seriously love you sm, thank you
thank you dr. K. I now have a quarterly life crisis
Being me isn't good enough. Not with the expectations society places on you. I don't fit in that mold but I don't feel like I can live outside of it.
A simple life with free time is my success. Of course while taking care of responsibilities.
I really like falling asleep to your videos, this one definitely helps a lot.
Thank u Dr.😊
Hehe boi
hearing this person feel ashamed of such accomplishments actually upset me due to my jealousy.
13:53 - Almost spat my coffee out there 😂
😘
Wowowow. This hits super hard.
The ideal version of yourself is smarter, stronger and faster than you. So they'll always be ahead of you and you'll never catch up to them.
Thanks for sharing another one. It is quite insightful.