As a woman, diagnosed with ADHD at 41, I never realised how lonely I was as a kid until I got my new psychologist and we started talking about how much time I spent alone making up stories in my head as a kid. My parents barely registered my existence, unless I made a mistake, got told off for “being slow”, or forgot to do something they’d asked me to do. I was lonely in my bones, animals were my best friends and still are. I don’t know if it caused the ADHD or whether I always had ADHD and the loneliness just made it harder to get help for.
My nieces and nephews are emotionally neglected by my siblings and they're all showing different signs of ADHD I'm honestly pretty concerned. I also have ADHD but I'm the first one diagnosed in my family so I'm not sure what's being passed down, the emotional neglect or genetics for ADHD.
I've literally had to bite my tongue and remind myself, "My husband is allowed to feel angry/upset/frustrated/annoyed/etc., and he's allowed to express those emotions." I hate that my first reaction is to be upset when he's showing a negative emotion; it's one thing to feel empathy, it's another to let someone else's emotions dictate how I feel. I'm definitely a work in progress.
Thanks for being introspective. I've had a case where a woman went from showing me possible wedding dresses and discussing buying a house with me, to turning ice-cold just because I cried in front of her and expressed anxiety. She dumped me a few months later. Apparently I hadn't learned my lesson, because I then got another girlfriend, who I also cried in front of at some point in time (I've been emotionally neglected and abused during my youth, there's a lot of pain there). And she also dumped me over that. I now understand why men don't want to be emotionally open / vulnerable to their partners, and that men often just drown their emotions in alcohol. It seems innate in women that their unconscious response to a husband / boyfriend showing weakness is hostility or coldness. Kudo's that you're not just following your unconscious response.
@@lightworker2956 I'm sorry you've had to go through those hard experiences. I think a lot of the US' culture is very broken. I hope you'll be able to find someone as self-aware as you are! If you can't express a normal human emotion in front of your significant other... that's a terrible way to live. I know with me, my issues with my hubby showing anger/frustration go back to the men in my family having dramatic rage issues that often turned violent. (Some of my first memories are domestic violence.) So my knee-jerk reaction to that type of emotion being expressed by a dude is always "fight or flight" which... when I'm with my husband whom I love and adore, turns into fight. For no logical reason. I feel like it's amazing how deep childhood trauma goes, and how much personal TLC it takes to heal from it. Here's to healing! And finding the right person who will let you be all of you.
Great point! I generally get scared when my husband gets mad because of my conditioning. I think the problem with male anger is that it often escalates into violence or abandonment. It isn't common for anger to evolve into a coming together of understanding.
@@lightworker2956there's no such thing as something being innate in women (or men). What you described sounds like typical dynamics of attachment disorders, since feeling contempt towards emotional expression is a typical trait of avoidant attachment. Add male "macho" socialization to the mix and you get this. But it's all learned, not innate. I'm glad to hear you, as a guy, are able to express your emotions, don't let anyone change that
@@lightworker2956 Yeah, I was never allowed to express any anger in front of my (often single) mother until I had moved out entirely because of _her_ trauma, which subsequently gave _me_ the trauma of not having a safe way to vent or manage my emotions simply because of being male (and adhd)
“This is spirituality: to have your behaviours not be controlled by your pleasure, or have your behaviours not be controlled by avoidance of pain.” Mind blown.
@@deleted01 its the difference between recognizing self as of the mind or flesh(ego), or as some "thing"(spirit) that is experiencing reality through the means of a mind and flesh. but thats why its called spirituality.. because usually people who believe in it tend to fall on the later and recognize that separation.
@@ohno6325 You should visit a hospital and talk to people with chronic or terminal illness. Tell me if any of their subjective experience is not at all diminished by the loss of good health.
Anyone here think it's effectively impossible to raise children to be well-balanced and emotionally healthy individuals with two parents working full-time? I was watching Dr. K's video on alexithymia, and I feel like barely seeing my parents for only a few hours at most for most of the week for most of my adolescence inevitably led me to feeling neglected without me even realizing it (emotional colorblindness). The socioeconomic catch-22 though is that it is basically impossible for the vast majority of the population to afford to raise children without two incomes.
I wouldn't say it's impossible. But it is difficult, probably depends on the individual as well. Plus being emotionally healthy doesn't mean your childhood is necessarily going to be perfect. But I do agree parents should be able to spend more time with their kids and not be limited to the 40 hour work week regardless of age.
I am a Stay-at-home mom and have been very involved with my children lives from day one of their lives. I am always the homeroom parent, soccer mom, etc. My mom was the same. We live traditionally with fathers/husbands, who are great providers. My mom and I could/can afford to stay at home, though we are frugal people. We have pretty nice upper middle class lives. My husband is a VP for a real estate development company and my father worked his way up the P&G ladder and bought into their stock plan leading to him to be blessed to retire a millionaire. This is amazing because my parents come from rural, poor backgrounds in the Jim Crow South. My parents picked cotton. They were/are very child centered and aren't materialistic or ostentatious. I say this because my children complain that I am too involved. And even though my husband is the sole provider now (there are times I worked part-time jobs, near their school, so I could remain involved) he is pretty involved in their lives during his free time. I think however your parents are, they are NEVER going to be perfect at giving you exactly what you need. Unfortunately parents aren't mind readers and they are evolving beings themselves.
I had both parents working 40 hours weeks but have always been very close with them, and never really felt neglected (rare expections ofc still, but it has never been thing to expect or be long lasting feeling.) I even had a lot of opposite feeling of them still being TOO involved, and felt like sometimes them working overtime (to late evening) was exciting to learn independence (at maybe 9 years old, after like 13, it was more of just nice change and having quiet alone time) Also its nice parents having life thats not focused only on me, so there is possibility of "real" 2-way relationship. And btw, no devices when spending time together. Expect if its TV with something everyone is watching and talking about.
@@symix. Thats interesting. Did your parents have any hobbies or anything that ate up their time or did they just work and come straight home? Did they bring you along to run errands and such? Im just trying to figure out why your situation didn't bother you but it sometimes bothers others.
2:04:08 I was that 17 year old, you got me to go to therapy, stop gaming so much and got my life together. Now I have a 3.7 at uni and am going to law school next. Also not depressed anymore. Thank you for your help and for making that choice. Because I am scared what I would be like now without your channel.
@@deeznuts1494 I game when I have time to, which some days I just don’t have the time. I also prefer play strategy games, so playing for an 1 or 2 just is not worth it. Mostly if I do play it’s for 4-5 hrs on Saturday/Sunday. Or if I’m on break/get more unexpected time than usual.
didn't realise how long this was going to be when i clicked on it, but i had one more low mood low achievement day today, and i started playing it in the background as i tidied my room. now my room is sorted, i've washed my face, had some food, cleared the pile of dishes, prepped some of my breakfast, brushed my teeth, picked out my clothes; and I've finished listening to the stream right as i'm finally ready to sleep knowing i've got what i need to do well tomorrow. great wisdom and great timing!
I love when that happens! Sometimes, I'm like "I'm going to clean the bathroom today" but then I enjoy what I'm listening to. So I go "I guess I'll vacuum too. Also, I've got time so I'll do the dishes, and how about dusting?" Then it's been 4 hours and I got all the chores done. And it feels great to sit down and watch a movie or play a video game. I'm glad Dr. K covered this because I see a lot of people unhappy. I've had my share of struggles (cancer, emotional and sexual trauma, depression and anxiety, autism) but the combination of 1) Being an adult and making my own choices 2) Having a job where I get to excercise and listen to headphones 3) Finding the right combo of antidepressants Has left me feeling consistently happy and productive. I feel good when I work. And because I work hard, I feel good when I do the things I enjoy ❤
@@leahtheanimationfan40 thanks for sharing! it's really encouraging to see how others have managed to find fulfilment despite their own struggles i struggle a lot with motivation and doing things; i think i only artificially coped so far through outside structures like school (pretty sure i've got a really dysfunctional executive function and i really should be tested for adhd), and dr. k is one of the only places where i' ve heard my struggles actually described and taken seriously. it helped me so much in convincing myself it was really a struggle and i'm allowed to seek help for it ; i remember before almost wishing there i actually had a clear disorder so at least i could get help rather than me just acting stupid and makings myself unhappy all on my own. so i'm definitely on my way to finding help, and i now understand better what it is i struggle with and what i can work on. i've also recently done some philosophising/thinking about life(probably aligning with what he described as spirituality) and i actually noticed how it sort of peeled off my first layer of hiding. it's lifted a lot of anxiety which now allows me to stay with myself and actually look at what's happening a little bit more, and be just a bit closer to living in coherence with myself
congrats, that sounds like you were able to transform a potentially crappy day into a great day for youself! Thank you for sharing, keep going! I was on the crappy day side today, but messages like this one give me hope to change my tomorrow for the better. :) I sometimes get myself into this stupid spiral, where I don't have enough energy to do all the things I wanted to do as an absolute minimum of productivity I set for myself for that particular day. Then I start feeling completely useless for not being able do accomplish my bare minimum and then I beat myself up for being such a pathetic loser, which leaves me with even less energy for the next day and so on... It's so dumb, I know... Yet I still fall into that pattern... Sometimes the only thing that takes me out of that spiral is reading a random comment like this with a better outcome and feeling genuinely happy for some stranger on the internet who was able to overcome something that I failed at that day. It remidns me to be a little more kind with myself, because I am able to be kind (instead of envious) to somebody else. "love thy neighbor as thyself" right? If I am capable to cheer someone else on, why is it so difficult to be more positive to myself? Isn't that strange? Blessings to all who are able to break patterns and also to all who feel stuck on their strugglebus! May we all inspire and upiift eachother ;)
@@leahtheanimationfan40 100%. This is my ADHD hack. I can do many things I wouldn't normally as long as I can listen to something stimulating in the background. Unfortunately doesn't work with schoolwork, because the part of my brain I'm distracting is the part I need for critical thinking lol
The topic around 1:45:00 really stood out to me as a male paraeducator. I was seen carrying a student who was having a tantrum and wouldn't walk into a separate room where it would be safe for her to express her emotions without disrupting the class. I was later reported by someone and was made to take time off of work while HR held an investigation. I was only doing what the teacher asked of me. Luckily, I was able to return to work but now there's a mark on my file saying that I was warned for my conduct. I understand the need to protect our children but being falsely accused like that was traumatic.
That reminds me of how my elementary (vice?)principal dragged me out of class while I was having a meltdown. In the moment, it was deeply upsetting but once I had the chance to calm down I was grateful he got me outta there and to a calmer room. That was something I needed and didn't realize because well, meltdowns are as irrational as panic attacks. I considered that (vice?) principal a friend ever since even though I rarely got to be around him.
That is an interesting point about anger. As someone raised with a father who was explosively angry, threw tantrums, and everyone had to handle with kid gloves.... Anger *of that sort* is not negotiable for me in a relationship, but there are absolutely healthy ways to feel anger and passion about the wrongs in the world. I am still healing and learning what those are! But anger is a natural part of our selves, and shouldn't be ignored.
I actually wrote a paper on that exact same topic in high school. Why people keep trying to do the same thing over and over every day just to barely make enough to survive. And it's astonishing. Once I became an adult and had a job and started working how little that bothers me now. I find joy in everyday things and people I talk to and co-workers and stuff like that and all of a sudden the part where you wake up every day to go do that again and again and again becomes bearable because there's some stuff to look forward to beyond just money.
I'm glad that you've found happiness in your life, but "just learn to enjoy it" doesn't seem to be an effective solution Like, what if I don't have any peers my age/etc. at work? What if I'm gay, or black, or trans, and my coworkers are homophobes/racist/transphobic/etc.? What if my job is so absurdly crushing and demeaning that you stop feeling like a human being, because of how you're treated, the physical labour, both, or something else? It would be nice if it was as clean for everyone as it was for you, but it really isn't - I'm not advocating for giving up and being hopeless, but advice like this is only going to alienate and frustrate the truly desperate and hopeless
@@BOSSDONMAN I can guarantee you I did not "enjoy" my work. It's just after a while, things get put in perspective. The working day in and day out doesn't really have the same paralysis as when I was a kid in disbelief about how anyone could ever let themselves be satisfied with it.
@@Plain--Jane I never said anything about allowing yourself to stay in a place that has those characteristics. You find joy where you can, for me it happened to be in the people around me. If you aren't happy with the people around you, time to get new people. I get the paralysis, I was in it for many years, and spent multiple years in therapy for it. I didn't like my job, I liked the people there. This isn't even part of the argument I was making anyway. The argument I was making was that as you grow older, you find it much easier to find joy in small things - in whatever things - and those small things happen to become an important part of your life. The prospect of working every single day to experience those small things makes it worth it which was an idea that seemed alien and foreign to me as a kid writing that paper. I never would have believed myself if the old me was hearing the current me. There are plenty of people and places to find happiness. I get that money and environment and resources don't always allow for that, and I hope you and whoever else needs it finds it some day. My point was not to say it's simple to find happiness, but that the weights on the philosophical scale of "why would anyone work just to make enough so that they can pay bills to be healthy enough to work again" shifts as you gain perspective.
@@TheXLAXLimpLungs I see. Tbh, the day to day grind is much more manageable, because I'm WFH and time dilation with age makes the day seem much shorter. W/ that being said, I feel like I'm feeling a sense of paralysis/loss of control just due to how high and persistent inflation is. I know things could be a lot worse, but it just gets demoralizing knowing we are working for less and less.
@@daniellehayes8649 I don't think that was the case. Chat was asked what to talk about, they didn't get there. I wish the title could be changed to reflect that though.
Dr. K is correct when he says that women are usually fine with being single and that (for healthy women at least) a man needs to bring more positives into their lives than negatives/stress/more work before they want to bother. He's also spot on with women not wanting to sign up to be a medic and fix men because it's exhausting even if it does work, but also because fixed men rarely stay with the women who fix them. Also, the issue with women wanting to date a man who makes more than them is more nuanced. It isn't about money for most women. It's that women and women in their friend groups have had way too many bad experiences with men who cannot handle dating or being married to a woman who makes more than them. It spills out in some really insidious ways and is so common that some women just see it as a potential red flag now.
100% my dad was an abusive tyrant when he lost his job and my mom carried us all on her income for a few months. But podcast bros frame it as women fleeing to wealthier men. No, we can't handle men with fragile egos who threaten to unalive us cos he can't regulate his emotions better than a toddler
I think you're right, well said. It's not "I want someone who earns more than me" because that goes against the concept of equality in the workplace and so on... It's just like you said "I want a man who will not become toxic and abusive toward me when I outearn him and he gets jealous and resentful about that. I saw so many men become resentful and hostile in their relationships due to their fragile egos and envy, ruining their relationships, lashing out at their women for no reason, breaking up marriages and families because they were driven by some strange sense of competition against their partner, instead of being appreciative and inspired to aim up, It's very disheartening to watch friends and family members being so immature and vicious over silly matters and trying to bring their partners down for being accomplished and happy. It really reaveals some shadows that they don't even want to admit to. I don't think women should just put up with that or give up on relationships entirely. Men also need to own up to their shadows and confront them, be honest and find ways to change either their circumstances or tgeir thinking for the better. It's not just up to women to heal their relationships, if their partners don't want to put in the work and change for the better, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Better to realise that dynamic sooner than later.
It depends how deliberate it is if you're single because you are rejected or have attachment issues than it can be pretty miserable like for me even though I'm better than when I was in a toxic marriage on the other hand for women who were usually validated and never really got rejected or had to lower their standards I'm sure being single feels more like liberation to them
Oh I never heard a description of spirituality like this before! I love that you called it "personal psychology". Been raised atheist I was always wary of this topic because of how intertwined it is with religion but your explanation is so well done. A very useful conversation.
The one objection I have is that I think his definition is very biased through his own cultural lens. That definition of spirituality bares 0 resemblance to what is commonly understood as spirituality in the West at least, to the point where it almost feels deceitful. I say *almost* because Buddhism, for instance, is a non-theistic religion. For most Western people, though, spirituality is a synonym for superstition.
I’m an atheist, my adoptive family harassed me over my lack of belief in god and unwillingness to go to church - but I ended up leaning towards spirituality/mediumship. Ironically, it was because my birth mum had died before I could meet her, and my sister told me she was religious but would have accepted that I wasn’t. Anyway, I pretty much ignore any of the religious trappings others might try to attach to it.
I felt a real connect to the topic of emotional allowance, for a long period of my life and still to this day in my own time behind the scenes deal with anger issues. While I know my anger can be very dangerous if I don't reign it in, it took Dr.K's videos to learn how to listen to the emotion properly rather than letting it fly off the handle. A good example of the disallowance on anger is in argument. I used to seethe and still find it annoying how those who come off as petty, or speak with venom, won't have their argument judged as harshly as anger. Often the case being that yelling immediately loses you the argument, even if you had the stronger or more objectively correct point.
I've struggled with addiction, making decisions, and trying to find my purpose. I feel like the things I learned here are going to change the game for me! I learned how I can make better choices without abandoning myself, the difference between pleasure and contentment, how to stop being driven by dopamine/pleasure, why social media can make it so hard to know what I want.... so many good things in here. Really grateful for a channel that combines the topics of psychology, neuroscience, spirituality, and mental health in such an artful, evidence-based, and engaging way.
"They become 27 and it is too late." I'm 36. OOOF. I completely agree, though. Like it can be too late at 27 because around 30 some people will off themselves because they feel as if their life is going nowhere and nothing will change. I've known a few people who did it, and I was feeling quite suicidal between the ages of 28-33 myself.. It isn't ever too late to change, but doctors really do need to help people as early as possible tosave lives.
Can relate to that. Sheer pressure of expectations from family and society that you will meet certain goals/milestones by certain ages does it. Due to some heavily traumatic events in early teens, my ability to trust people was shattered, i closed off from society and missed several milestones around late teens/early adulthood. Felt left behind and unable to ever catch up, leading to crushing levels of shame (believe Dr K covered this in another video). Ended up spending my entire 20s feeling useless, hopeless, unwanted and wasting away, thinking I would be dead before 30 so there was no point even trying in life. Honestly surprised I actually didn't off myself. What started to break me out of it was learning there were other people who thought like this who never get out of it. Even if they live past 30, they then move goal posts to 40, and should they make it to 40, go to 50 and so on, ultimately wasting their whole life away. Now 37, things aren't much better for me as I haven't broken through trust issues yet, but I haven't completely given up either.
Easy to be passionate when he sold out a 2 day 200 person trauma workshop costing $200 per person in hours. Who wouldn’t be passionate doing something that can make 40k in a single weekend on a whim😂.
this video made me realize how alone i was as a kid as well, but i definitely enjoyed my childhood. i used to spend all day on my own, playing web browser games, collecting bugs, or studying, & now the HTML i learned coding my neopets pages is going towards a computer science major!💗💗 my only regret is how my parents worked hard to provide for us and i didn't get to spend much time with them as a kid, but we have great relationships now & they do the most for me :)
When I was a kid and I couldn't get what I wanted cause there was some obstacle in the way I always figured out a way around it and I would enjoy doing that, I'd do it for like 3-6 hours based on the obstacle. I'm older now and I feel like Dr. K reminded me of what I used to do well, which was and can still be to not give up. I'm bored of failing at life, bored and tired of it, I'd rather be content and tired of winning at life
I was just talking to my therapist about the whole “men are only allowed to display feelings of sadness” because it’s a safe emotion for others to interact with but can’t express any other emotion. I’m so glad to hear Dr. K talk about this!
I was never allowed to express anger in front of my mom until I had moved out entirely because of _her_ trauma, which subsequently gave _me_ the trauma of not having a safe way to vent or manage my emotions simply because of being male (and adhd)
A Dr. That uses profanity is okay in my book. Highly relatable once again. I'm 42 and jus beginning to unpack who I am thx to your videos. Free content that you should be paid handsomely for. Thank you
As someone who has made a conscious choice to become more vocal about his loneliness, 1:28:28 smashed me in the feels. "Silent" is just one of those fun counter-reverse words Carlin always talked about.
Doc, I don't think we men ever had platonic touch in the west. Parental touch... I've always been physically affectionate with my kids, female and male - which has had an awesome affect. My son is so emotionally regulated that no one can hurt his feelings, he's never acted like a fuckass, and yet he's quite conscientious of others' emotional well being while at the same time not simping.
Yes we did. In older paintings/photos, you have men touch each other casually. Over the course of the 18th century it changed, as the field of sexology arised. It is a huge topic, but in essense it became more important for many to separate gender characteristics, because women and non-white people were slowly gaining human rights. The strict binary gender division became a tool to show how "civilised" you were (civilised meaning a white man). And touching people got to be seen as feminine - as well as something "primitive" people did (meaning mostvnon-whites).
I love seeing my male friends hug. It's good to know they are able to be platonically affectionate and not have their need for affection solely come from their romantic relationships.
There he is once again with top-notch, overly relateable content for the neurodivergents out there! Dr.K has been so helpful to me both personally and in my training as a psychologist. I have no idea yet what my purpose in life is, and this caused me great distress, but now i know that being in the phase of figuring stuff out at age 20 is purpose in itself so im here for the ride
One of my purposes in life is to simply make the world a better place, especially for our future kids and generations. (voting, speaking out against corrupt happening in the current world, being part of a community I call my city, being a positive person online). We all live on this planet, let's just live in peace together. You'll find your dream/goal/point eventually.
For the first reddit question: i used to feel that way,(i mean i still do it but the frequency reduced) why must we live if all there is to it but suffering. And this is going to sound extremely cheezy but the way I learned to deal with it is through the game called Final Fantasy 14. FF14 newest expansion dropped at that time called Endwalker. That expac is the end of the main story arc . The main theme of Endwalker is dealing with overwhelming depair and suffering and despite that fact finding a way moving forward, finding the meaning of life and realizing that the life is worth living. The story conveyed that in a beautiful way. I still watch some of the cutscenes in game when ever i feel down. It got me through my struggles at that time and it my fav game of all time. That's why to this date i recommend people playing ff14 till the Endwalker expac
Men are allowed to feel anger and experiences. But the problem is how they express that anger. Many men don't know how to express their feelings. As you said, they're angry and not good at expressing their emotions. They'll express that anger in ways that are toxic and dangerous for women to be around. This causes women to be more withdrawn and not enter relationships with men since the risk of abuse is too high. Not all men are abusive, but if every woman has experience with abusive men, then theres clearly an issue.
I'm Italo-American, and my relatives in Italy will occasionally yell at each other--loud too. I hate it, but I have to admit, they just let it go after that. It's like a storm that passes over, and then it's gone. It seems healthy. Of course there are some things you can't say, even while you're yelling. There are still rules that you have to abide by.
1:42:50 I love the fact that he gets to the root of both genders difficulties in how it got bad for dating and settling down. How we have not been able to adapt and everyone needs to take responsibility. We all need support.
that was so not the point.... the point was that women don't need to date men anymore to get basic needs met. that's it. it's not "just as bad on both sides" and it's about how it's very reasonable for them to not want to be a medic when they've had to be parents and medics literally their entire lives. men need to work on themselves. then maybe women will date them. sorry!
@@ddalgi-l2owhile you are correct on many facets I think you missed the point of the original comment! People always cry for mens mental health when women are going through he same isolation and people skills issues in the younger generation! It’s being ignored because women aren’t committing incel murder-suicides!
I relate to the first topic a lot, and the answer has given me a lot to think about, reinforcing some conclusions I had already come to myself about living well and living for yourself. But, what it doesn't really address for me: what about people who feel trapped in their current situation? People with mental health disorders who can't afford the help they need, people in abusive situations, people who have toxic social situations where the way out is forcibly kept from you, situations where you feel trapped, where there may not be an obvious way to "just get out of the bad situation"? Like yes, sure, you can change how it affects you personally, but to me it seems counter intuitive that the solution is to change your thought process to "oh boy, I can't wait for the challenge of getting abused again today!" There are just so many situations where it feels like everything has been set up for failure, with the consequence of failure being "you'll probably starve or get beaten to death."
Those are tough situations. People who can't afford the help they need: there's certain well-known things you can do to improve your life (exercise enough, eat well, etc). It doesn't magically solve your problems, but if you keep working on yourself for long enough, eventually things will improve. Also, whenever a "negative" emotion or thought comes up, it helps to just observe it, instead of trying to suppress or change it or judge it.
I discovered your channel by chance when I clicked on a link but thank you, thank you, because I feel like you are speaking with real insight into how our society is suffering right now and you are speaking to the root causes rather than just the symptoms.
He doesn't need an award. If you love his work, learn to be like him, help other like him. He, just like everyone else gonna die someday, continuing the work he done to make the world a better place is the best award you can give.
Clicked for the Emotional neglect, and ADHD. Didn't get my emotional need for that met. Very par for the course as someone who was neglected and had to figure out life on their own while having ADHD.
as a hobby theologist and psychologist I must say I LOVE YOU 😅😅😅 srsly, you're soooooo right with everything you're saying. It's such a joy to listen to somebody so sage. so inspiring and energizing. The way you're not afraid to say what people have been subconsciously thinking but never say out loud As for the AI gf stuff my take on that is that it's become increasingly unsatisfying to live in a "normal" relationship for both men and women because our expectations are increasingly being manipulated by the media. For example, both men and women expect their partner to be overly attractive, successful, well-mannered, in control of every situation etc. such as shown in TV or magazines... I think this is why many men AND women end up giving up on this perceived and frustrating IMPERFECTION that seems to contradict everything we've been fed to believe and expect from life. I honestly am no exception to that. Anyway, as always thank you SO MUCH for your videos. You're a true life saver.
Maybe - but I suspect many of us are looking for healthy partners we can grow and evolve with, and not finding them. I quit dating years ago because of my own issues, but my idea of what would constitute a great partner is certainly way more flexible and very different than the media’s.
This is the best description of religion I've ever heard. I've always understood that there was real value in my Catholic upbringing, despite the issues. Some of it I suspect was in drawing lines on the page in my mind to guide thinking in (hopefully mostly) useful ways. But the massive gap between "the church" and modern life has thrown me. I believe that this is a moment I will look back on as being important in bringing it all closer into one, good whole.
We *should* place more emphasis on sadness over anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. It typically masks fear or sadness. So yes, we should be encouraging folks to express their primary emotions.
Oh yes, I always get angry when I'm scared of being emotionally hurt. Suppress them for years to the point that it was hard to unravel my feelings during therapy 😢
I agree, but an issue is that especially for men (and to a lesser extent for women too) it is safe and culturally acceptable to express anger, but not to express fear or sadness. If you express fear or sadness, you often get judged, or you get given "advice" that's completely unhelpful and and sometimes bulldozes your actual emotions ("cheer up"). To illustrate this, I've twice cried in front of a girlfriend, and been dumped twice by her soon after. It's absolutely not safe for men to cry in front of other people. And these were relatively young, modern, left-wing women -- not the type of traditional women you'd think would be hostile to "weak men."
@@lightworker2956 That's seriously fucked up dude. I can't believe she did that. And yes, I totally agree. It's not safe for men to express sadness given the state of our current culture. That being said my partner and male friends have cried in front of me many a time and I'm always happy to support them. There ARE people out there who will empathize and respect your emotions.
i am currently experiencing a short period of non depression. It feels so calm and soothing for things to slow down to a point where i can think clearly and focus like never before. Its hard to maintain this and sad knowing that it wont last forever. It sucks to say but im beginning to feel like we have less control of ourselves at times than we believe.
1:49:00 I completely agree that the only way we're going to fix any issue in society is by working together... but I'm so tired of saving men. Recently I managed to convince (force really) a man who's in his 40s to go to a therapist about the severe childhood trauma he experienced that affected a large part of his life. He's done so much progress since being in therapy... and I'm proud of him for that. I'm proud of each and every person who faces their pain, fear, etc and heals from it. But I'm so tired of helping men (like the guy I mentioned) who are apathetic towards women's issues, who do nothing until it's too late. And from the women I talk to I can tell they're tired (and angry) as well.
Exactly this! Women have been responsible for "saving" or "fixing" men for generations, and we're TIRED! There has to be some self motivatation from men to get their acts together. We can't do it all for them, but we can be by their side while they do the work.
I haven't lived your life, but can't relate. I have the opposite experience. As a man, I'm constantly being asked to care about women's issues while being told to shut up about men's issues. And in relationships, the man is expected to care about / listen to / comfort / practically help women who are in emotional distress, yet when I'm in emotional distress my girlfriends have turned cold towards me.
Care about vs wanting... wow. How ive been changing my life has followed this and you put it into words. This has been the toughest time in my life and ive been horribly abused. Its the most stable time, but the mismatch inside me and my now stable is being slowly evened out through following your and my psychologists advice. I still have a long way to go, but these videos have already changed my life.
When I first started dating men, my mind was so warped that like Dr. K said, I didn’t think that men had actual feelings like shame. I was also so confused why I was considered confrontational when interacting with them. It wasn’t until I dated a psychologist (lol) when I unlocked this and completely changed my outlook and all my interactions. Making space for men to express themselves has led me to my healthiest relationship :)
I wish this talk could have gone on forever. Meaning and purpose in life and the talk about ai girlfriends being the result, not the reason were amazing conversations. Mostly for lonely men who feel they've lost their reasoning to live while having so many expectations on them regardless of what they look like or any titles are placed on them. Everyone struggles in their own nuanced ways, trying to compare all the time is only going to hurt us, it is on all of us to have the empathy and compassion for anybody if they are struggling to set aside beliefs and expectations to help them out if we truly care for their well being.
Thank you. Just thank you! All your videos seem to be customized for me. Years of therapy, some medication when I was young and just this journey of life you've made the most sense. I'm doing much better understanding myself. Thank you!
As a woman, I just lent an ear to a guy last week who seemed to be having a rough time. He showed me a text where his dad was mad at him and demanding an apology, and started shouting about genitals. He also spit all over me and my food, and repeatedly ignored my growing disinterest until I had to yell at him to stop talking to me. By the way, he came in after me and sat down right next to me at a half empty bar. I promise you that decreased connection to others in modern society is not women’s fault. Motherfuckers be scary.
Sorry that happened to you. Not okay how he treated you. On the other hand, a single anecdote doesn't prove a lot. I'm a man and I have my own anecdotes where I was mistreated by women. Do my personal anecdotes prove that it actually is women's fault? No, you simply can't conclude anything from anecdotes. Obviously one part of the issue is, as you say, specific men who behave atrociously. That's absolutely true. On the other hand, dating a young woman who grew up with social media and internet dating seems almost impossible. I've dated two of them, and both of them were superficial, got bored very quickly and basically expected me to keep them entertained and happy and stimulated. They ultimately treated me and the relationship as disposable, dumping me in a situation where we could have talked it out and I wanted to talk it out. After all, a young woman can find another date in like 20 minutes online, so why actually sit down and have the difficult conversation? You can say "date better women" but then I can say "date / interact with better men" whenever women complain about men. The vast majority of divorces are also initiated by women, and research shows very clearly that this is hugely negative for the child. There's a huge amount of young men who grew up in a single-mom household and then young men are completely lost, because their mom kicked out their father. And sure, sometimes he was abusive, but most often the reason is that she's bored. Then there's the problem where lots of women have a very negative opinion of men and masculinity, and if a mother has such a view, she'll probably raise the kind of non-masculine, inoffensive and completely unexciting young man that no woman wants to date. And those type of men often turn toxic when they're the kind of men that society tells them they should be, yet no woman wants them -- and meanwhile toxic jerks get plenty of sex, because they're hotter / more masculine / more dangerous / "I can fix him" etc.
"I promise you that decreased connection to others in modern society is not women’s fault." Your anecdoctal "evidence" falls apart at the point where that guy had a mother. She's somehow blameless in your opinion? Why is that? Because she shares your gender?
It's not women's fault EXCLUSIVELY. But you are the other half of our society, don't bullshit us that you are somehow above all contribution to its problems.
If you aren't strong enough or empathetic enough to comfort people don't. Men have Years of pent up emotions we've been told to bury. You were allowed to grow emotionally mature without actually being able to guide that emotion. He wasn't even allowed to emotionally grow up. And you think he's the problem?
Wow I am sorry you've had that happen and even more sorry at the comments I've read in response to you, people need to realise nobody else regardless of gender is responsible for your actions. Nothing is so black and white and a lot of people know a little and think that is then the truth of everything. I'm sorry this particular man behaved this way- that's not fair to you and it's nice that you tried to help 😊
So much wisdom here! I do take issue with the idea that women are resentful for "having to have kids after age 30/35" and treating younger women poorly who have kids in their 20s. I was traveling the world in my twenties and having a wonderfully full life working in my 30s. I had my first kid at 38, second at 40 and am now a happy mom/wife/entrepreneur. I do live as a foreigner (US citizen, living in Europe) but can say easily most of my friends chose to have kids 35+ because we live longer/healthier than even our own moms and 60 just isn't "old" like it used to be. You didn't take this into consideration. I personally am encouraging both my daughters to wait to have kids past 30 and be free of the burden children are (let's get real). Kids are irrational, demanding, financially draining and that is before they are teens! I love my kids, am honored to be a part of their lives and do my very best to prepare them for independence... but I wonder how different my life without them would be. I certainly don't wish I had them sooner, I would have resented how much parenting requires (it's endless) Anyway, my point is, I genuinely feel it's a waste to be a young mom. I know young moms have a different perspective - that they have "energy to play"... well, again obese young moms certainly don't. They get to enjoy their adult kids (& grandkids) when they are retired. It's true, I likely won't know my grandkids very long, if at all. But this does really put a fire under my ass to stay healthy and age well. In any case, am loving this video!! So many topics, so thoughtfully discussed and has inspired introspection and change in my life. Thanks!
And why call out obese young women specifically? Of course anyone with any major health concern is not going to have tons of energy, no matter their age. I don't see how it would support the point you are trying to make. Losing and keeping weight off is statistically very difficult. So most of them will have more energy in their 20s vs their 30s same as everyone else. Frankly that comment comes across as you just making yourself feel better by putting them down. It's actually really jarring, especially since the rest of your comment seemed like you are enjoying your life as it is. There's no need to justify your feelings or your life choices, especially not by putting others down. Otherwise I did appreciate the rest of your comment, it was nice to hear about your experiences and how you feel about how they have impacted your life as a counterpoint to the video. I'm sure you aren't the only one who feels that way. I did think it was funny that you go on to say that you think the younger mothers are wasting their lives. Not necessarily an indication of poor treatment but it implies that you think that younger women who choose to become mothers don't make good life choices for themselves. That assumption includes a lack of respect for them. Bit of a mixed message there.
I've watched a lot of Dr. K's Streams / Videos, and I gotta say, this is one of the top ones if not the best one. I'm going to share the video in several different discord groups I'm a part of. Dr. K really hit the nail on the head here. The religion take is one I've been fighting with people for the longest time: that the reason they don't like Religion, and that religious people are not good representatives of religion, and the reason I didn't like Church, is that everyone is missing the plot, and that spirituality and deeper values are the main part of religion as a concept and that is missing in today's age. Also, Dr. K greatly captures the truth behind the male loneliness epidemic, the nuances around it regarding men and women's "faults" in this, why AI Girlfriends and related things are flourishing / will grow further, etc. He even somewhat called out horrible news show for missing the plot on their take on the loneliness epidemic and AI Girlfriends. News, TV, Streamers, RUclipsrs, etc. all miss key parts of that discussion or outright lie / misrepresent it because they don't actually give a shit about Men. It's basically a keystone of Leftist Ideology / Feminism to hate Men / blame Men by default in most if not all issues. That of course leads to horrible outcomes. Great, Great, Great Stream / Video here.
Speaking to the adjustment of expectations re: income dynamics in a relationship... that was definitely something my husband and I discussed during premarital counseling (male/female relationship). I have a bachelors degree in two different subjects, and he has his GED. I'm now in the career track to become CFO of a real estate development company while he works in computer repair. When we talk about whether we will have children, or who will work when/how, we have to flexible. The old ideal would be me staying home and him working, but when I make twice as much as he does... it makes more sense that he would stay home and I would work (since childcare for 2 children costs as much as his full time job brings in in our area). Both partners have to be flexible because the old ideals don't make sense for every situation.
Oof! Real talk here, thank you Dr. K! I am a woman with a friend, who's a doctor herself, who breaks up with her boyfriends if they don't already know how to hold a baby and she is just losing it with not understanding why, succumbing to that societal pressure of career vs baby. Fascinating.
It's more fascinating that a woman would break up with a man over that. Unless he grew up raising younger siblings, works with infants as a nurse or a teach, or if he doesn't already have his own children, why should a man know how to hold a baby? Why should any person of any gender know how to do it?
@@MegaMilenche I definitely surprised at her surprise. I remember being a small child and being pressured to learn to hold babies and love dolls as a little girl and being upset that my little male relatives weren't being given the same lessons.
@MegaMilenche agreed but this is a reflection of a fractured, isolated world. We're supposed to live in tribes. We need intergenerational longterm communities. A lot of people are antisocial and feel strong resistance to socializing because there's never an investment. People are disposable and replaceable. We're constantly starting over, uprooted and exhausted. The early investment building a relationship is the hardest part. To care before you care, on principle, knowing something better will come of it. But people don't do this. They don't fight to escape the Matrix or even notice the world we walk around in has been built and handed to us, while our neighbors remain strangers. This woman's response is an example of the antisocial behavior that perpetuates this desolate world. If anybody wants it to change, we need to start investing in local relationships so later on we can identify our tribe, and create our community. Not be pawns in a Matrix, but creators in the game of life.
@@Authentistic-ism My hypothesis is that people who are fundamentally unhappy or insecure or don't value themselves, become incredibly and sometimes unreasonably picky when it comes to partners, because subconsciously they feel they need a great partner, who perfectly fits in their mental picture, in order to be happy. Whereas a person who is fundamentally happy with himself or herself isn't as picky, because they don't need a partner to make them happy.
Good to finally see someone outside of the red pill speak to the issues affecting men with such resolution and clarity. In the public discourse, there's too much "just gym, bro" or the opposite: "just be a woman" for any intelligent progress to be made.
@@MegaMilenche Doesn’t change the fact that it’s impact is way overblown in pop culture dude. You’re talking to someone who’s lifted weights (on and off, tbf) for 15 years. Is there community in lifting? Sure. Can engaging the body be helpful in de-stressing? Sure. Dr K has spoken about this stuff a lot, and recently (“why therapy sucks for men” video). But the stuff he gets into in this video is way past the impact of lifting. Societal pressures, double standards, limited access to resources, etc. Lifting weights is something that *you* can do to feel better *now* and later on, but it doesn’t *fix* anything.
53:09 - "Satisfying your internal desires is a source of suffering.", Dr.K 53:51 Not all desires are the same. There's desires and there is duty. Isn't it duty what I should do ? No. Duty is what you feel you should do. Not what someone else feels you should do. So it is a Should but a should that comes the inside not from the outside. 57:31 - Problems with listening to the shoulds of others. Making a value judgment of them behind above you. 57:50 - Desires : Wants VS Care "There are base desires that comes from the sense organs: taste, smell, sex, emotional engagements. And there's the stuff that matter to you. There's the stuff that you want and the stuff you care about. And the more that you live towards what you care about, the happier you will be.", Dr.K 58:32 - Neurology : Dopamine • Renforcing chasing pleasure NOT being comptent with your life : Eudonic VS Eudie-monics Suffering/Pleasure VS Satisfaction Prefrontal Cortex ? Not pineal. Maaaaybe it comes from the thingy that Huberman talks about often. Oh no just everything else than the nucleus accumbens (siege of the dopamine circuitry) 01:01:37 - *_"This is Spiritually"_* ° "To have your behaviors not by your plaisir." ° "Or your behaviors not be controlled by avoidance of pleasure." ° "To be contempt in spite of pleasure or pain." 01:02:37 - What to do in life *_"What do in life : WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!"_* , This is my prefered fucking Dr.K moment all time. 01:04:38 - CHOOSING is the way to happiness; Exercice choice in life. Greatest way to be in control, to be happy, choose in spite of pain or pleasure, choose for YOUR DUTIES don't choose the ones of OTHERS, or worse being influence by their DESIRES. ---PAUSE AT --01:07:00------ DID NOT LISTEN BEFORE 58:00 ~
1:30:00. 👏 say it louder for the ppl in the back! Women have been conplaining about being "bangmaids" and the science says single women are happier than being "married single mothers". This is why women generally initiate divorece after the birth of their first child. Thank you, Dr K, for all your insight.
Heh, as soon as you brought up the topic of why we keep living, I immediately said, "SPITE!" It's not great to rely on all the time, but it's handy in those places dark and deep. Probably the best analogy for it is to a pilot light.
I see suffering differently. I see suffering as inherent to life and the order of the universe which is very difficult to understand. One thing I do know, is if we try, we can learn immensely from suffering. Strangely suffering can generate beauty which is very difficult to comprehend but out of suffering we can find things like strength and heroism. I would argue that living well, means living in the moment and accepting what is. But yes one of the most fundamental questions is why do bad things happen to good people or why do good people suffer.
01:40 - The *GREATEST* (and I'm weighing my words extremely there) EXPLANATION FOR GENRES WARS : MALE VS FEMALE. Simply the best resume and explanation I've seen in my life. Soral peut aller se rhabiller (même si il avait en partie raison, il décrivait un symptôme de ces problèmes plus grands). (L'extrait commence encore plus tôt que 01:40:00 , sur le marketing et la société du désir)
The point about male touch and men relying strictly on sexual/romantic relationships for emotional labour is great. I'm female and these days I'm really reluctant to get into relationships with men because I was heavily parentified by a single father with BPD (also helped raise my younger siblings) and now, in my 30s, I don't want to have to manage someone else's emotions without reciprocation. If it's shared emotional intimacy that's one thing, I'm just not going to do your work for you. I'm a teacher and I don't mind helping children, but as an adult? You're on your own my guy.
So thankful to the Creator that your parents came together, you chose them, had the resources you needed and all that fell into place for you to sit here and teach us what we need to understand. Stay blessed Dr.K
Just my opinion ofc, but i think a lot of women why say they want men to earn more than they do are actually saying "i don't want to be punished for earning more". Just as many tall girls, as it turns out, do not care if boys are taller or not, but they have bad experiences with shorter boys holding a grudge that gets worse with time
This!! The women I know, myself included, don't really care about the money. They just don't want to have manage men's feelings of inadequacy for earning less even though money doesn't make the man so to speak. Same with women being intolerant of men's anger. Men's anger KILLS US! Of course we aren't going readily accept it. When men are willing to work on themselves and channel their feelings in a healthy way then maybe women will be willing to take them back. Until that happens, we're safer and happier alone.
This, right here! For me, if a man has serious anger issues or makes less than me, those are deal breakers for this *very* reason. I don’t give a care what he makes or how tall he is, but if his feelings of inadequacy about such things are inconsolable and present a *danger* to me, I want nothing to do with him. My mother endured a **horrifically** abusive marriage with someone with these same self esteem issues, and I refuse to continue the cycle by taking up the mantle of being an adult male’s emotional “babysitter.” I have better things to do with my time and energy-and I like my eyes not being black and my teeth where they are in my head, thank you very much!
I think it's useful to understand that people have a rational brain and a more unconscious brain. Sure, women's rational brain says "it no problem if he earns less than me." But that's not what a lot of women's unconscious brain says.
@kaitlynroush6518 im still listening to see if he addresses it but this is exactly what I was thinking about the anger. Angry men are terrifying because in their anger many of them don't stop themselves from becoming physical. Or screaming in your face and sayings hurtful things. Its hard for me to think of someone being angry while also not being outwardly destructive. I have learned to recognize when my boyfriends anger is him expressing a need to be heard and that he is dealing with something difficult. But I never ever will put up with outwardly destructive anger directed at me as a valid way to express that. I need to be able to trust the men in my life not to do that after growing up with a very angry abusive father.
I dont have the best relationship with my family. My parents spent more time buying several houses and trying to put a roof over our heads that they neglected to teach us how to put roofs over our own heads.
feels like my energy is sucked out forcing myself to do the things i dont wanna do... wake up early work.8 hours a day 5 days a week. i just wanna not have to work for a year or more and get to WANT to try new things, learn what i actually enjoy and if i HAVE to work, then it will actually be at something i enjoy...something that doesnt feel like work , but is something that makes me excited to get outta bed in the morning. right now i have NO idea what that is. of what i can do to make money to afford housing, food ,travel, etc and live a life i love
I was looking forward to Dr. K talking through the post in the thumbnail. It's what spoke to me and drew me to click on the vid. It's a little disappointing seeing it's a different video
I just started watching, and hearing doctor K say “I’m hoping to talk about something that’s going to improve your life’s today. Well that’s the goal” made me smile cheek to cheek; what a selfless, amazing person. An amazing role model. Thank you, doctor!
You should definitely try to interview Neil Newbon. His life story is fascinating. I got to meet him at Fan Expo Philly, and when I tell you it was a life changing experience, I mean it. Such a deeply humble and dedicated person who knows what it is like to go through a very very dark path to get to where he is today. You would not be disappointed and your community would love the interview.
Around the 40 minute mark, Dr. K is talking about Sensuality - and it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the senses - it's feeling with the body.
Dr.K is the most brilliant man alive on Earth. I would follow him religiously. The amount that he has done for my life is incredible. Thank you so much for all of what you do.
Easily one of the most perceptive, engaging and insightful-not to mention thought-provoking two hours and five minutes I’ve watched on RUclips, perhaps ever. Thank you for this one, especially-much to digest and share…
As a woman, diagnosed with ADHD at 41, I never realised how lonely I was as a kid until I got my new psychologist and we started talking about how much time I spent alone making up stories in my head as a kid. My parents barely registered my existence, unless I made a mistake, got told off for “being slow”, or forgot to do something they’d asked me to do. I was lonely in my bones, animals were my best friends and still are. I don’t know if it caused the ADHD or whether I always had ADHD and the loneliness just made it harder to get help for.
aS a wOMaN
My nieces and nephews are emotionally neglected by my siblings and they're all showing different signs of ADHD I'm honestly pretty concerned. I also have ADHD but I'm the first one diagnosed in my family so I'm not sure what's being passed down, the emotional neglect or genetics for ADHD.
@@deleted01 someone needs to watch more dr k vids 😷
@@deleted01Grow up.
❤️🤗 I was raised the same way. My best friend was a horse.
I've literally had to bite my tongue and remind myself, "My husband is allowed to feel angry/upset/frustrated/annoyed/etc., and he's allowed to express those emotions." I hate that my first reaction is to be upset when he's showing a negative emotion; it's one thing to feel empathy, it's another to let someone else's emotions dictate how I feel. I'm definitely a work in progress.
Thanks for being introspective.
I've had a case where a woman went from showing me possible wedding dresses and discussing buying a house with me, to turning ice-cold just because I cried in front of her and expressed anxiety. She dumped me a few months later.
Apparently I hadn't learned my lesson, because I then got another girlfriend, who I also cried in front of at some point in time (I've been emotionally neglected and abused during my youth, there's a lot of pain there). And she also dumped me over that.
I now understand why men don't want to be emotionally open / vulnerable to their partners, and that men often just drown their emotions in alcohol.
It seems innate in women that their unconscious response to a husband / boyfriend showing weakness is hostility or coldness. Kudo's that you're not just following your unconscious response.
@@lightworker2956 I'm sorry you've had to go through those hard experiences. I think a lot of the US' culture is very broken. I hope you'll be able to find someone as self-aware as you are! If you can't express a normal human emotion in front of your significant other... that's a terrible way to live.
I know with me, my issues with my hubby showing anger/frustration go back to the men in my family having dramatic rage issues that often turned violent. (Some of my first memories are domestic violence.) So my knee-jerk reaction to that type of emotion being expressed by a dude is always "fight or flight" which... when I'm with my husband whom I love and adore, turns into fight. For no logical reason.
I feel like it's amazing how deep childhood trauma goes, and how much personal TLC it takes to heal from it. Here's to healing! And finding the right person who will let you be all of you.
Great point! I generally get scared when my husband gets mad because of my conditioning. I think the problem with male anger is that it often escalates into violence or abandonment. It isn't common for anger to evolve into a coming together of understanding.
@@lightworker2956there's no such thing as something being innate in women (or men). What you described sounds like typical dynamics of attachment disorders, since feeling contempt towards emotional expression is a typical trait of avoidant attachment. Add male "macho" socialization to the mix and you get this. But it's all learned, not innate. I'm glad to hear you, as a guy, are able to express your emotions, don't let anyone change that
@@lightworker2956 Yeah, I was never allowed to express any anger in front of my (often single) mother until I had moved out entirely because of _her_ trauma, which subsequently gave _me_ the trauma of not having a safe way to vent or manage my emotions simply because of being male (and adhd)
“This is spirituality: to have your behaviours not be controlled by your pleasure, or have your behaviours not be controlled by avoidance of pain.” Mind blown.
not possible
@@deleted01 yes it is
@@deleted01 its the difference between recognizing self as of the mind or flesh(ego), or as some "thing"(spirit) that is experiencing reality through the means of a mind and flesh. but thats why its called spirituality.. because usually people who believe in it tend to fall on the later and recognize that separation.
@@ohno6325 You should visit a hospital and talk to people with chronic or terminal illness. Tell me if any of their subjective experience is not at all diminished by the loss of good health.
@@ohno6325 There is only the flesh. All elae is cope.
Anyone here think it's effectively impossible to raise children to be well-balanced and emotionally healthy individuals with two parents working full-time? I was watching Dr. K's video on alexithymia, and I feel like barely seeing my parents for only a few hours at most for most of the week for most of my adolescence inevitably led me to feeling neglected without me even realizing it (emotional colorblindness).
The socioeconomic catch-22 though is that it is basically impossible for the vast majority of the population to afford to raise children without two incomes.
I wouldn't say it's impossible. But it is difficult, probably depends on the individual as well. Plus being emotionally healthy doesn't mean your childhood is necessarily going to be perfect. But I do agree parents should be able to spend more time with their kids and not be limited to the 40 hour work week regardless of age.
Literally, yes. As we progress through history, we tend to solve some problems then make more problems. Maybe there's a next step past capitalism.
I am a Stay-at-home mom and have been very involved with my children lives from day one of their lives. I am always the homeroom parent, soccer mom, etc. My mom was the same. We live traditionally with fathers/husbands, who are great providers. My mom and I could/can afford to stay at home, though we are frugal people. We have pretty nice upper middle class lives. My husband is a VP for a real estate development company and my father worked his way up the P&G ladder and bought into their stock plan leading to him to be blessed to retire a millionaire. This is amazing because my parents come from rural, poor backgrounds in the Jim Crow South. My parents picked cotton. They were/are very child centered and aren't materialistic or ostentatious.
I say this because my children complain that I am too involved. And even though my husband is the sole provider now (there are times I worked part-time jobs, near their school, so I could remain involved) he is pretty involved in their lives during his free time.
I think however your parents are, they are NEVER going to be perfect at giving you exactly what you need. Unfortunately parents aren't mind readers and they are evolving beings themselves.
I had both parents working 40 hours weeks but have always been very close with them, and never really felt neglected (rare expections ofc still, but it has never been thing to expect or be long lasting feeling.)
I even had a lot of opposite feeling of them still being TOO involved, and felt like sometimes them working overtime (to late evening) was exciting to learn independence (at maybe 9 years old, after like 13, it was more of just nice change and having quiet alone time)
Also its nice parents having life thats not focused only on me, so there is possibility of "real" 2-way relationship.
And btw, no devices when spending time together.
Expect if its TV with something everyone is watching and talking about.
@@symix. Thats interesting. Did your parents have any hobbies or anything that ate up their time or did they just work and come straight home? Did they bring you along to run errands and such? Im just trying to figure out why your situation didn't bother you but it sometimes bothers others.
22:58 Why on earth should I live?
25:09 Basics: Survival
30:04 Where spirituality comes in
34:46 Why we suffer
51:18 Duty + desire = happiness
thank you
Thanks bruh
Love your pfp
XC3 is one of my top favorite games
do you have discord? want to chat? :)
thank you
2:04:08 I was that 17 year old, you got me to go to therapy, stop gaming so much and got my life together. Now I have a 3.7 at uni and am going to law school next. Also not depressed anymore. Thank you for your help and for making that choice. Because I am scared what I would be like now without your channel.
I'm very proud of you
Congrats man!
Do you still find gaming enjoyable, or did it get dropped entirely? Asking out of curiosity and I'm happy for your new life
@@deeznuts1494 I game when I have time to, which some days I just don’t have the time. I also prefer play strategy games, so playing for an 1 or 2 just is not worth it. Mostly if I do play it’s for 4-5 hrs on Saturday/Sunday. Or if I’m on break/get more unexpected time than usual.
Great job!
didn't realise how long this was going to be when i clicked on it, but i had one more low mood low achievement day today, and i started playing it in the background as i tidied my room. now my room is sorted, i've washed my face, had some food, cleared the pile of dishes, prepped some of my breakfast, brushed my teeth, picked out my clothes; and I've finished listening to the stream right as i'm finally ready to sleep knowing i've got what i need to do well tomorrow. great wisdom and great timing!
I love when that happens! Sometimes, I'm like "I'm going to clean the bathroom today" but then I enjoy what I'm listening to. So I go "I guess I'll vacuum too. Also, I've got time so I'll do the dishes, and how about dusting?" Then it's been 4 hours and I got all the chores done. And it feels great to sit down and watch a movie or play a video game.
I'm glad Dr. K covered this because I see a lot of people unhappy. I've had my share of struggles (cancer, emotional and sexual trauma, depression and anxiety, autism) but the combination of
1) Being an adult and making my own choices
2) Having a job where I get to excercise and listen to headphones
3) Finding the right combo of antidepressants
Has left me feeling consistently happy and productive. I feel good when I work. And because I work hard, I feel good when I do the things I enjoy ❤
@@leahtheanimationfan40 thanks for sharing! it's really encouraging to see how others have managed to find fulfilment despite their own struggles
i struggle a lot with motivation and doing things; i think i only artificially coped so far through outside structures like school (pretty sure i've got a really dysfunctional executive function and i really should be tested for adhd), and dr. k is one of the only places where i' ve heard my struggles actually described and taken seriously. it helped me so much in convincing myself it was really a struggle and i'm allowed to seek help for it ; i remember before almost wishing there i actually had a clear disorder so at least i could get help rather than me just acting stupid and makings myself unhappy all on my own. so i'm definitely on my way to finding help, and i now understand better what it is i struggle with and what i can work on.
i've also recently done some philosophising/thinking about life(probably aligning with what he described as spirituality) and i actually noticed how it sort of peeled off my first layer of hiding. it's lifted a lot of anxiety which now allows me to stay with myself and actually look at what's happening a little bit more, and be just a bit closer to living in coherence with myself
congrats, that sounds like you were able to transform a potentially crappy day into a great day for youself!
Thank you for sharing, keep going! I was on the crappy day side today, but messages like this one give me hope to change my tomorrow for the better. :)
I sometimes get myself into this stupid spiral, where I don't have enough energy to do all the things I wanted to do as an absolute minimum of productivity I set for myself for that particular day. Then I start feeling completely useless for not being able do accomplish my bare minimum and then I beat myself up for being such a pathetic loser, which leaves me with even less energy for the next day and so on... It's so dumb, I know... Yet I still fall into that pattern... Sometimes the only thing that takes me out of that spiral is reading a random comment like this with a better outcome and feeling genuinely happy for some stranger on the internet who was able to overcome something that I failed at that day. It remidns me to be a little more kind with myself, because I am able to be kind (instead of envious) to somebody else.
"love thy neighbor as thyself" right? If I am capable to cheer someone else on, why is it so difficult to be more positive to myself? Isn't that strange?
Blessings to all who are able to break patterns and also to all who feel stuck on their strugglebus! May we all inspire and upiift eachother ;)
@@leahtheanimationfan40 100%. This is my ADHD hack. I can do many things I wouldn't normally as long as I can listen to something stimulating in the background. Unfortunately doesn't work with schoolwork, because the part of my brain I'm distracting is the part I need for critical thinking lol
Wow! Go you
The topic around 1:45:00 really stood out to me as a male paraeducator. I was seen carrying a student who was having a tantrum and wouldn't walk into a separate room where it would be safe for her to express her emotions without disrupting the class. I was later reported by someone and was made to take time off of work while HR held an investigation. I was only doing what the teacher asked of me. Luckily, I was able to return to work but now there's a mark on my file saying that I was warned for my conduct. I understand the need to protect our children but being falsely accused like that was traumatic.
This is why I avoid interactions, and why I've noticed myself being cautious with everything I do. For some reason, being a man is seen as dangerous.
What a privilege, right?
That’s weird and irreplaceable for the HR’s part, what else were you supposed to do?
That reminds me of how my elementary (vice?)principal dragged me out of class while I was having a meltdown. In the moment, it was deeply upsetting but once I had the chance to calm down I was grateful he got me outta there and to a calmer room. That was something I needed and didn't realize because well, meltdowns are as irrational as panic attacks. I considered that (vice?) principal a friend ever since even though I rarely got to be around him.
@@--...--...--...that’s not how privilege works
That is an interesting point about anger.
As someone raised with a father who was explosively angry, threw tantrums, and everyone had to handle with kid gloves....
Anger *of that sort* is not negotiable for me in a relationship, but there are absolutely healthy ways to feel anger and passion about the wrongs in the world.
I am still healing and learning what those are! But anger is a natural part of our selves, and shouldn't be ignored.
I actually wrote a paper on that exact same topic in high school. Why people keep trying to do the same thing over and over every day just to barely make enough to survive. And it's astonishing. Once I became an adult and had a job and started working how little that bothers me now. I find joy in everyday things and people I talk to and co-workers and stuff like that and all of a sudden the part where you wake up every day to go do that again and again and again becomes bearable because there's some stuff to look forward to beyond just money.
I think that only works if you enjoy your work
I'm glad that you've found happiness in your life, but "just learn to enjoy it" doesn't seem to be an effective solution
Like, what if I don't have any peers my age/etc. at work? What if I'm gay, or black, or trans, and my coworkers are homophobes/racist/transphobic/etc.? What if my job is so absurdly crushing and demeaning that you stop feeling like a human being, because of how you're treated, the physical labour, both, or something else?
It would be nice if it was as clean for everyone as it was for you, but it really isn't - I'm not advocating for giving up and being hopeless, but advice like this is only going to alienate and frustrate the truly desperate and hopeless
@@BOSSDONMAN I can guarantee you I did not "enjoy" my work. It's just after a while, things get put in perspective. The working day in and day out doesn't really have the same paralysis as when I was a kid in disbelief about how anyone could ever let themselves be satisfied with it.
@@Plain--Jane I never said anything about allowing yourself to stay in a place that has those characteristics. You find joy where you can, for me it happened to be in the people around me. If you aren't happy with the people around you, time to get new people. I get the paralysis, I was in it for many years, and spent multiple years in therapy for it. I didn't like my job, I liked the people there.
This isn't even part of the argument I was making anyway. The argument I was making was that as you grow older, you find it much easier to find joy in small things - in whatever things - and those small things happen to become an important part of your life. The prospect of working every single day to experience those small things makes it worth it which was an idea that seemed alien and foreign to me as a kid writing that paper. I never would have believed myself if the old me was hearing the current me.
There are plenty of people and places to find happiness. I get that money and environment and resources don't always allow for that, and I hope you and whoever else needs it finds it some day. My point was not to say it's simple to find happiness, but that the weights on the philosophical scale of "why would anyone work just to make enough so that they can pay bills to be healthy enough to work again" shifts as you gain perspective.
@@TheXLAXLimpLungs I see. Tbh, the day to day grind is much more manageable, because I'm WFH and time dilation with age makes the day seem much shorter. W/ that being said, I feel like I'm feeling a sense of paralysis/loss of control just due to how high and persistent inflation is. I know things could be a lot worse, but it just gets demoralizing knowing we are working for less and less.
I was hoping for a lecture on the relationship between adhd symptoms and neglect. Great talk anyway. Hopefully the next one will cover it.
Same 😭
Yea, feeling the click bait n switch. 😢
@@daniellehayes8649 I don't think that was the case. Chat was asked what to talk about, they didn't get there. I wish the title could be changed to reflect that though.
Dr. K, the world is a better place because you are in it. Thank you for all that you do.
I always get such a kick out of Dr. K when he slides into Indian Guru Mode. Cracks me up. 😄
And that is also mainly when he does the "Indian hand gestures" for emphasis.
It is really interesting how his whole body language changes.
Me too! He’s so genuine and quirky - ALL of his personalities 😂
Love it 😊
Could you please do a live about that topic, that is in the image and the title: Emotional neglect and ADHD.
I really need it!
Please dr K that would be really helpful
Seriously. This had absolutely nothing to do with ADHD and emotional neglect
Yeah seriously
Just in case you haven't seen it, his recent stream 'The Shame of ADHD' is fully dedicated to that disorder. It's a blast to watch/listen as well!
Where’s the other 30% of women that watch healthy gamer at? 🥲
Me!
Here lol
😊
💅👋
Hi 👋
This was an awesome talk but please revisit the adhd and emotional neglect, thanks y’all
Yes!
This!
Yes please!
Aye, please and thank you
Pleaseeee!!!
Me waiting for the adhd part till I forgot why I'm watching this
Dr. K is correct when he says that women are usually fine with being single and that (for healthy women at least) a man needs to bring more positives into their lives than negatives/stress/more work before they want to bother. He's also spot on with women not wanting to sign up to be a medic and fix men because it's exhausting even if it does work, but also because fixed men rarely stay with the women who fix them. Also, the issue with women wanting to date a man who makes more than them is more nuanced. It isn't about money for most women. It's that women and women in their friend groups have had way too many bad experiences with men who cannot handle dating or being married to a woman who makes more than them. It spills out in some really insidious ways and is so common that some women just see it as a potential red flag now.
100% my dad was an abusive tyrant when he lost his job and my mom carried us all on her income for a few months. But podcast bros frame it as women fleeing to wealthier men. No, we can't handle men with fragile egos who threaten to unalive us cos he can't regulate his emotions better than a toddler
I think you're right, well said. It's not "I want someone who earns more than me" because that goes against the concept of equality in the workplace and so on... It's just like you said "I want a man who will not become toxic and abusive toward me when I outearn him and he gets jealous and resentful about that. I saw so many men become resentful and hostile in their relationships due to their fragile egos and envy, ruining their relationships, lashing out at their women for no reason, breaking up marriages and families because they were driven by some strange sense of competition against their partner, instead of being appreciative and inspired to aim up, It's very disheartening to watch friends and family members being so immature and vicious over silly matters and trying to bring their partners down for being accomplished and happy. It really reaveals some shadows that they don't even want to admit to.
I don't think women should just put up with that or give up on relationships entirely. Men also need to own up to their shadows and confront them, be honest and find ways to change either their circumstances or tgeir thinking for the better. It's not just up to women to heal their relationships, if their partners don't want to put in the work and change for the better, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Better to realise that dynamic sooner than later.
It depends how deliberate it is if you're single because you are rejected or have attachment issues than it can be pretty miserable like for me even though I'm better than when I was in a toxic marriage on the other hand for women who were usually validated and never really got rejected or had to lower their standards I'm sure being single feels more like liberation to them
Tldr: nothing is women's fault. Women can do no wrong. All mens fault. Please dont date and get help
@@sirprize5191Rather convenient interpretation of the comment
Starts 7:20
Thank you 🙏
Bless u
Thank you, my friend
God bless u
thanks !!
Oh I never heard a description of spirituality like this before! I love that you called it "personal psychology". Been raised atheist I was always wary of this topic because of how intertwined it is with religion but your explanation is so well done. A very useful conversation.
The one objection I have is that I think his definition is very biased through his own cultural lens. That definition of spirituality bares 0 resemblance to what is commonly understood as spirituality in the West at least, to the point where it almost feels deceitful. I say *almost* because Buddhism, for instance, is a non-theistic religion. For most Western people, though, spirituality is a synonym for superstition.
I’m an atheist, my adoptive family harassed me over my lack of belief in god and unwillingness to go to church - but I ended up leaning towards spirituality/mediumship. Ironically, it was because my birth mum had died before I could meet her, and my sister told me she was religious but would have accepted that I wasn’t.
Anyway, I pretty much ignore any of the religious trappings others might try to attach to it.
I felt a real connect to the topic of emotional allowance, for a long period of my life and still to this day in my own time behind the scenes deal with anger issues. While I know my anger can be very dangerous if I don't reign it in, it took Dr.K's videos to learn how to listen to the emotion properly rather than letting it fly off the handle. A good example of the disallowance on anger is in argument. I used to seethe and still find it annoying how those who come off as petty, or speak with venom, won't have their argument judged as harshly as anger. Often the case being that yelling immediately loses you the argument, even if you had the stronger or more objectively correct point.
I've struggled with addiction, making decisions, and trying to find my purpose. I feel like the things I learned here are going to change the game for me! I learned how I can make better choices without abandoning myself, the difference between pleasure and contentment, how to stop being driven by dopamine/pleasure, why social media can make it so hard to know what I want.... so many good things in here. Really grateful for a channel that combines the topics of psychology, neuroscience, spirituality, and mental health in such an artful, evidence-based, and engaging way.
"They become 27 and it is too late."
I'm 36. OOOF. I completely agree, though. Like it can be too late at 27 because around 30 some people will off themselves because they feel as if their life is going nowhere and nothing will change. I've known a few people who did it, and I was feeling quite suicidal between the ages of 28-33 myself.. It isn't ever too late to change, but doctors really do need to help people as early as possible tosave lives.
My brother ended up leaving this life himself because of the same issue. It’s really unfortunate how we limit ourselves based off age.
Can relate to that. Sheer pressure of expectations from family and society that you will meet certain goals/milestones by certain ages does it.
Due to some heavily traumatic events in early teens, my ability to trust people was shattered, i closed off from society and missed several milestones around late teens/early adulthood.
Felt left behind and unable to ever catch up, leading to crushing levels of shame (believe Dr K covered this in another video).
Ended up spending my entire 20s feeling useless, hopeless, unwanted and wasting away, thinking I would be dead before 30 so there was no point even trying in life. Honestly surprised I actually didn't off myself.
What started to break me out of it was learning there were other people who thought like this who never get out of it. Even if they live past 30, they then move goal posts to 40, and should they make it to 40, go to 50 and so on, ultimately wasting their whole life away.
Now 37, things aren't much better for me as I haven't broken through trust issues yet, but I haven't completely given up either.
“Where does the experience of liking the apples happen”
Dr K over here reawakening the Buddhist scriptures in my heart
I love how passionate you are. Love your channel Dr K
Easy to be passionate when he sold out a 2 day 200 person trauma workshop costing $200 per person in hours. Who wouldn’t be passionate doing something that can make 40k in a single weekend on a whim😂.
this video made me realize how alone i was as a kid as well, but i definitely enjoyed my childhood. i used to spend all day on my own, playing web browser games, collecting bugs, or studying, & now the HTML i learned coding my neopets pages is going towards a computer science major!💗💗 my only regret is how my parents worked hard to provide for us and i didn't get to spend much time with them as a kid, but we have great relationships now & they do the most for me :)
I love this view point. Take pride in the happiness you had. I love it. Take care
When I was a kid and I couldn't get what I wanted cause there was some obstacle in the way I always figured out a way around it and I would enjoy doing that, I'd do it for like 3-6 hours based on the obstacle. I'm older now and I feel like Dr. K reminded me of what I used to do well, which was and can still be to not give up. I'm bored of failing at life, bored and tired of it, I'd rather be content and tired of winning at life
you have opened my eyes recently and at 39 i have seen my life so clearly through your lens. Thank You
i teach children about addiction. i start with games but i draw honest connections. yes parents are often addicts and not especially honest about it.
I was just talking to my therapist about the whole “men are only allowed to display feelings of sadness” because it’s a safe emotion for others to interact with but can’t express any other emotion. I’m so glad to hear Dr. K talk about this!
I was never allowed to express anger in front of my mom until I had moved out entirely because of _her_ trauma, which subsequently gave _me_ the trauma of not having a safe way to vent or manage my emotions simply because of being male (and adhd)
A Dr. That uses profanity is okay in my book. Highly relatable once again. I'm 42 and jus beginning to unpack who I am thx to your videos. Free content that you should be paid handsomely for. Thank you
You spoke to me so directly at the end of the video about not waiting and improving thru ruthless improvement
As someone who has made a conscious choice to become more vocal about his loneliness, 1:28:28 smashed me in the feels. "Silent" is just one of those fun counter-reverse words Carlin always talked about.
RIP George Carlin, comedic genius and always said what needed to be said, he will be missed.
Euphemism is the word BTW, I forget it too.
I love Carlin but this "coubter-reverse" words doesnt ring a bell. Was is part of 7 words you can't say??
Doc, I don't think we men ever had platonic touch in the west. Parental touch... I've always been physically affectionate with my kids, female and male - which has had an awesome affect. My son is so emotionally regulated that no one can hurt his feelings, he's never acted like a fuckass, and yet he's quite conscientious of others' emotional well being while at the same time not simping.
Yes we did. In older paintings/photos, you have men touch each other casually.
Over the course of the 18th century it changed, as the field of sexology arised.
It is a huge topic, but in essense it became more important for many to separate gender characteristics, because women and non-white people were slowly gaining human rights.
The strict binary gender division became a tool to show how "civilised" you were (civilised meaning a white man).
And touching people got to be seen as feminine - as well as something "primitive" people did (meaning mostvnon-whites).
Have you ever seen an italian? A kiss on each cheek is a greeting!
I love seeing my male friends hug. It's good to know they are able to be platonically affectionate and not have their need for affection solely come from their romantic relationships.
women experience that same thing
I (a straight guy) do platonically hug my straight male friends. But yeah, most men don't.
There he is once again with top-notch, overly relateable content for the neurodivergents out there! Dr.K has been so helpful to me both personally and in my training as a psychologist. I have no idea yet what my purpose in life is, and this caused me great distress, but now i know that being in the phase of figuring stuff out at age 20 is purpose in itself so im here for the ride
One of my purposes in life is to simply make the world a better place, especially for our future kids and generations. (voting, speaking out against corrupt happening in the current world, being part of a community I call my city, being a positive person online). We all live on this planet, let's just live in peace together.
You'll find your dream/goal/point eventually.
everyone is neurodivergent.
@@jlllxyeah it’s a spectrum but he was talking about people leaning more into it.
@@jlllxno they're not. Do some research
Life is a constant state of: "I just need to get through this".
Thinking about how up until I was 20 I told myself I didn't experience loneliness but really I'd just never known anything else
“The whole problem in life is that we are driven by the avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure” Dr. K SPITTING!!!
Dr K you have truly changed my life i really hope you feel how loved you are
I really appreciate the way you discuss women’s issues
For the first reddit question: i used to feel that way,(i mean i still do it but the frequency reduced) why must we live if all there is to it but suffering. And this is going to sound extremely cheezy but the way I learned to deal with it is through the game called Final Fantasy 14. FF14 newest expansion dropped at that time called Endwalker. That expac is the end of the main story arc . The main theme of Endwalker is dealing with overwhelming depair and suffering and despite that fact finding a way moving forward, finding the meaning of life and realizing that the life is worth living. The story conveyed that in a beautiful way. I still watch some of the cutscenes in game when ever i feel down. It got me through my struggles at that time and it my fav game of all time. That's why to this date i recommend people playing ff14 till the Endwalker expac
I swear FFXIV is loved by everyone that plays it
Maybe it’s time
@@simariocrossing 🤣 well, there is only one way to find out.
@@simariocrossing listen and look up the lyrics to the song called answers from ff14. Thats basically the whole theme of the expansion
Men are allowed to feel anger and experiences. But the problem is how they express that anger. Many men don't know how to express their feelings. As you said, they're angry and not good at expressing their emotions. They'll express that anger in ways that are toxic and dangerous for women to be around. This causes women to be more withdrawn and not enter relationships with men since the risk of abuse is too high. Not all men are abusive, but if every woman has experience with abusive men, then theres clearly an issue.
I'm Italo-American, and my relatives in Italy will occasionally yell at each other--loud too. I hate it, but I have to admit, they just let it go after that. It's like a storm that passes over, and then it's gone. It seems healthy. Of course there are some things you can't say, even while you're yelling. There are still rules that you have to abide by.
1:42:50 I love the fact that he gets to the root of both genders difficulties in how it got bad for dating and settling down. How we have not been able to adapt and everyone needs to take responsibility. We all need support.
that was so not the point.... the point was that women don't need to date men anymore to get basic needs met. that's it. it's not "just as bad on both sides" and it's about how it's very reasonable for them to not want to be a medic when they've had to be parents and medics literally their entire lives. men need to work on themselves. then maybe women will date them. sorry!
@@ddalgi-l2owhile you are correct on many facets I think you missed the point of the original comment! People always cry for mens mental health when women are going through he same isolation and people skills issues in the younger generation! It’s being ignored because women aren’t committing incel murder-suicides!
I relate to the first topic a lot, and the answer has given me a lot to think about, reinforcing some conclusions I had already come to myself about living well and living for yourself.
But, what it doesn't really address for me: what about people who feel trapped in their current situation? People with mental health disorders who can't afford the help they need, people in abusive situations, people who have toxic social situations where the way out is forcibly kept from you, situations where you feel trapped, where there may not be an obvious way to "just get out of the bad situation"? Like yes, sure, you can change how it affects you personally, but to me it seems counter intuitive that the solution is to change your thought process to "oh boy, I can't wait for the challenge of getting abused again today!" There are just so many situations where it feels like everything has been set up for failure, with the consequence of failure being "you'll probably starve or get beaten to death."
Those are tough situations.
People who can't afford the help they need: there's certain well-known things you can do to improve your life (exercise enough, eat well, etc). It doesn't magically solve your problems, but if you keep working on yourself for long enough, eventually things will improve. Also, whenever a "negative" emotion or thought comes up, it helps to just observe it, instead of trying to suppress or change it or judge it.
I discovered your channel by chance when I clicked on a link but thank you, thank you, because I feel like you are speaking with real insight into how our society is suffering right now and you are speaking to the root causes rather than just the symptoms.
More people should know you and you should get a prize or award of some sort for your work. I deeply thank you!
He doesn't need an award. If you love his work, learn to be like him, help other like him. He, just like everyone else gonna die someday, continuing the work he done to make the world a better place is the best award you can give.
Clicked for the Emotional neglect, and ADHD. Didn't get my emotional need for that met. Very par for the course as someone who was neglected and had to figure out life on their own while having ADHD.
Oof 😂 I'm in this comment
as a hobby theologist and psychologist I must say I LOVE YOU 😅😅😅 srsly, you're soooooo right with everything you're saying. It's such a joy to listen to somebody so sage. so inspiring and energizing. The way you're not afraid to say what people have been subconsciously thinking but never say out loud
As for the AI gf stuff my take on that is that it's become increasingly unsatisfying to live in a "normal" relationship for both men and women because our expectations are increasingly being manipulated by the media. For example, both men and women expect their partner to be overly attractive, successful, well-mannered, in control of every situation etc. such as shown in TV or magazines... I think this is why many men AND women end up giving up on this perceived and frustrating IMPERFECTION that seems to contradict everything we've been fed to believe and expect from life. I honestly am no exception to that.
Anyway, as always thank you SO MUCH for your videos. You're a true life saver.
Maybe - but I suspect many of us are looking for healthy partners we can grow and evolve with, and not finding them. I quit dating years ago because of my own issues, but my idea of what would constitute a great partner is certainly way more flexible and very different than the media’s.
This is the best description of religion I've ever heard. I've always understood that there was real value in my Catholic upbringing, despite the issues. Some of it I suspect was in drawing lines on the page in my mind to guide thinking in (hopefully mostly) useful ways. But the massive gap between "the church" and modern life has thrown me. I believe that this is a moment I will look back on as being important in bringing it all closer into one, good whole.
We *should* place more emphasis on sadness over anger. Anger is a secondary emotion. It typically masks fear or sadness.
So yes, we should be encouraging folks to express their primary emotions.
Oh yes, I always get angry when I'm scared of being emotionally hurt. Suppress them for years to the point that it was hard to unravel my feelings during therapy 😢
@@tina1061😢
I agree, but an issue is that especially for men (and to a lesser extent for women too) it is safe and culturally acceptable to express anger, but not to express fear or sadness. If you express fear or sadness, you often get judged, or you get given "advice" that's completely unhelpful and and sometimes bulldozes your actual emotions ("cheer up").
To illustrate this, I've twice cried in front of a girlfriend, and been dumped twice by her soon after. It's absolutely not safe for men to cry in front of other people. And these were relatively young, modern, left-wing women -- not the type of traditional women you'd think would be hostile to "weak men."
@@lightworker2956 That's seriously fucked up dude. I can't believe she did that.
And yes, I totally agree. It's not safe for men to express sadness given the state of our current culture.
That being said my partner and male friends have cried in front of me many a time and I'm always happy to support them.
There ARE people out there who will empathize and respect your emotions.
i am currently experiencing a short period of non depression. It feels so calm and soothing for things to slow down to a point where i can think clearly and focus like never before.
Its hard to maintain this and sad knowing that it wont last forever. It sucks to say but im beginning to feel like we have less control of ourselves at times than we believe.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE split out the section here on cognitive reframing because it’s one of the most powerful things I’ve ever heard
Accurate stream title: "Talking about Finding Your Purpose, AI Girlfriends, and Male Loneliness"
LOL
Yeah what the heck I wanted to learn about what the title says!
More like "endless babbling that has nothing to do with what you wanted to watch"
@@siyanoqu can’t be serious lol
I'm thinking it's pretty good, so far. But then again, I really listen to most of his streams. Many of them h Ave information that is helpful.
1:49:00 I completely agree that the only way we're going to fix any issue in society is by working together... but I'm so tired of saving men.
Recently I managed to convince (force really) a man who's in his 40s to go to a therapist about the severe childhood trauma he experienced that affected a large part of his life. He's done so much progress since being in therapy... and I'm proud of him for that. I'm proud of each and every person who faces their pain, fear, etc and heals from it.
But I'm so tired of helping men (like the guy I mentioned) who are apathetic towards women's issues, who do nothing until it's too late. And from the women I talk to I can tell they're tired (and angry) as well.
Exactly this! Women have been responsible for "saving" or "fixing" men for generations, and we're TIRED! There has to be some self motivatation from men to get their acts together. We can't do it all for them, but we can be by their side while they do the work.
sumps are gonna sump
I haven't lived your life, but can't relate. I have the opposite experience. As a man, I'm constantly being asked to care about women's issues while being told to shut up about men's issues. And in relationships, the man is expected to care about / listen to / comfort / practically help women who are in emotional distress, yet when I'm in emotional distress my girlfriends have turned cold towards me.
@@lightworker2956 and now you know how women actually have felt for years!
Care about vs wanting... wow. How ive been changing my life has followed this and you put it into words. This has been the toughest time in my life and ive been horribly abused. Its the most stable time, but the mismatch inside me and my now stable is being slowly evened out through following your and my psychologists advice. I still have a long way to go, but these videos have already changed my life.
When I first started dating men, my mind was so warped that like Dr. K said, I didn’t think that men had actual feelings like shame. I was also so confused why I was considered confrontational when interacting with them. It wasn’t until I dated a psychologist (lol) when I unlocked this and completely changed my outlook and all my interactions. Making space for men to express themselves has led me to my healthiest relationship :)
I feel like I'm having a spiritual shift in how I value relationships
I wish this talk could have gone on forever. Meaning and purpose in life and the talk about ai girlfriends being the result, not the reason were amazing conversations. Mostly for lonely men who feel they've lost their reasoning to live while having so many expectations on them regardless of what they look like or any titles are placed on them. Everyone struggles in their own nuanced ways, trying to compare all the time is only going to hurt us, it is on all of us to have the empathy and compassion for anybody if they are struggling to set aside beliefs and expectations to help them out if we truly care for their well being.
This guy's sense of humor is very healthy
Thank you Dr K for all this. From the bottom of my heart.
I wish i hadn't heard these same eye opening truths a hundred times over now and it still cut just as deep.
Thank you. Just thank you! All your videos seem to be customized for me. Years of therapy, some medication when I was young and just this journey of life you've made the most sense. I'm doing much better understanding myself. Thank you!
58:30 hedonics vs. eudaimonics 1:01:20 To be content in spite of pleasure or pain = spirituality
Then you are not driven, you can choose.
As a woman, I just lent an ear to a guy last week who seemed to be having a rough time. He showed me a text where his dad was mad at him and demanding an apology, and started shouting about genitals. He also spit all over me and my food, and repeatedly ignored my growing disinterest until I had to yell at him to stop talking to me.
By the way, he came in after me and sat down right next to me at a half empty bar.
I promise you that decreased connection to others in modern society is not women’s fault. Motherfuckers be scary.
Sorry that happened to you. Not okay how he treated you.
On the other hand, a single anecdote doesn't prove a lot. I'm a man and I have my own anecdotes where I was mistreated by women. Do my personal anecdotes prove that it actually is women's fault? No, you simply can't conclude anything from anecdotes.
Obviously one part of the issue is, as you say, specific men who behave atrociously. That's absolutely true.
On the other hand, dating a young woman who grew up with social media and internet dating seems almost impossible. I've dated two of them, and both of them were superficial, got bored very quickly and basically expected me to keep them entertained and happy and stimulated. They ultimately treated me and the relationship as disposable, dumping me in a situation where we could have talked it out and I wanted to talk it out. After all, a young woman can find another date in like 20 minutes online, so why actually sit down and have the difficult conversation?
You can say "date better women" but then I can say "date / interact with better men" whenever women complain about men.
The vast majority of divorces are also initiated by women, and research shows very clearly that this is hugely negative for the child. There's a huge amount of young men who grew up in a single-mom household and then young men are completely lost, because their mom kicked out their father. And sure, sometimes he was abusive, but most often the reason is that she's bored.
Then there's the problem where lots of women have a very negative opinion of men and masculinity, and if a mother has such a view, she'll probably raise the kind of non-masculine, inoffensive and completely unexciting young man that no woman wants to date. And those type of men often turn toxic when they're the kind of men that society tells them they should be, yet no woman wants them -- and meanwhile toxic jerks get plenty of sex, because they're hotter / more masculine / more dangerous / "I can fix him" etc.
"I promise you that decreased connection to others in modern society is not women’s fault."
Your anecdoctal "evidence" falls apart at the point where that guy had a mother. She's somehow blameless in your opinion? Why is that? Because she shares your gender?
It's not women's fault EXCLUSIVELY. But you are the other half of our society, don't bullshit us that you are somehow above all contribution to its problems.
If you aren't strong enough or empathetic enough to comfort people don't. Men have Years of pent up emotions we've been told to bury. You were allowed to grow emotionally mature without actually being able to guide that emotion. He wasn't even allowed to emotionally grow up. And you think he's the problem?
Wow I am sorry you've had that happen and even more sorry at the comments I've read in response to you, people need to realise nobody else regardless of gender is responsible for your actions. Nothing is so black and white and a lot of people know a little and think that is then the truth of everything. I'm sorry this particular man behaved this way- that's not fair to you and it's nice that you tried to help 😊
So much wisdom here! I do take issue with the idea that women are resentful for "having to have kids after age 30/35" and treating younger women poorly who have kids in their 20s.
I was traveling the world in my twenties and having a wonderfully full life working in my 30s. I had my first kid at 38, second at 40 and am now a happy mom/wife/entrepreneur.
I do live as a foreigner (US citizen, living in Europe) but can say easily most of my friends chose to have kids 35+ because we live longer/healthier than even our own moms and 60 just isn't "old" like it used to be.
You didn't take this into consideration. I personally am encouraging both my daughters to wait to have kids past 30 and be free of the burden children are (let's get real).
Kids are irrational, demanding, financially draining and that is before they are teens! I love my kids, am honored to be a part of their lives and do my very best to prepare them for independence... but I wonder how different my life without them would be. I certainly don't wish I had them sooner, I would have resented how much parenting requires (it's endless)
Anyway, my point is, I genuinely feel it's a waste to be a young mom. I know young moms have a different perspective - that they have "energy to play"... well, again obese young moms certainly don't.
They get to enjoy their adult kids (& grandkids) when they are retired. It's true, I likely won't know my grandkids very long, if at all.
But this does really put a fire under my ass to stay healthy and age well.
In any case, am loving this video!! So many topics, so thoughtfully discussed and has inspired introspection and change in my life. Thanks!
This video didn't account for...your personal experience??
And why call out obese young women specifically? Of course anyone with any major health concern is not going to have tons of energy, no matter their age. I don't see how it would support the point you are trying to make. Losing and keeping weight off is statistically very difficult. So most of them will have more energy in their 20s vs their 30s same as everyone else. Frankly that comment comes across as you just making yourself feel better by putting them down. It's actually really jarring, especially since the rest of your comment seemed like you are enjoying your life as it is. There's no need to justify your feelings or your life choices, especially not by putting others down. Otherwise I did appreciate the rest of your comment, it was nice to hear about your experiences and how you feel about how they have impacted your life as a counterpoint to the video. I'm sure you aren't the only one who feels that way. I did think it was funny that you go on to say that you think the younger mothers are wasting their lives. Not necessarily an indication of poor treatment but it implies that you think that younger women who choose to become mothers don't make good life choices for themselves. That assumption includes a lack of respect for them. Bit of a mixed message there.
empty egg carton 🥚 🥚
I've watched a lot of Dr. K's Streams / Videos, and I gotta say, this is one of the top ones if not the best one. I'm going to share the video in several different discord groups I'm a part of. Dr. K really hit the nail on the head here. The religion take is one I've been fighting with people for the longest time: that the reason they don't like Religion, and that religious people are not good representatives of religion, and the reason I didn't like Church, is that everyone is missing the plot, and that spirituality and deeper values are the main part of religion as a concept and that is missing in today's age.
Also, Dr. K greatly captures the truth behind the male loneliness epidemic, the nuances around it regarding men and women's "faults" in this, why AI Girlfriends and related things are flourishing / will grow further, etc.
He even somewhat called out horrible news show for missing the plot on their take on the loneliness epidemic and AI Girlfriends. News, TV, Streamers, RUclipsrs, etc. all miss key parts of that discussion or outright lie / misrepresent it because they don't actually give a shit about Men. It's basically a keystone of Leftist Ideology / Feminism to hate Men / blame Men by default in most if not all issues. That of course leads to horrible outcomes.
Great, Great, Great Stream / Video here.
Its like someone knows me personally and set up the video specifically for me. I really appreciate this chanel!
Speaking to the adjustment of expectations re: income dynamics in a relationship... that was definitely something my husband and I discussed during premarital counseling (male/female relationship). I have a bachelors degree in two different subjects, and he has his GED. I'm now in the career track to become CFO of a real estate development company while he works in computer repair. When we talk about whether we will have children, or who will work when/how, we have to flexible. The old ideal would be me staying home and him working, but when I make twice as much as he does... it makes more sense that he would stay home and I would work (since childcare for 2 children costs as much as his full time job brings in in our area). Both partners have to be flexible because the old ideals don't make sense for every situation.
i have adhd and now as a teacher i use my experience as a way to stop children from hating themselves
Oof! Real talk here, thank you Dr. K! I am a woman with a friend, who's a doctor herself, who breaks up with her boyfriends if they don't already know how to hold a baby and she is just losing it with not understanding why, succumbing to that societal pressure of career vs baby. Fascinating.
It's more fascinating that a woman would break up with a man over that. Unless he grew up raising younger siblings, works with infants as a nurse or a teach, or if he doesn't already have his own children, why should a man know how to hold a baby? Why should any person of any gender know how to do it?
@@MegaMilenche I definitely surprised at her surprise. I remember being a small child and being pressured to learn to hold babies and love dolls as a little girl and being upset that my little male relatives weren't being given the same lessons.
@MegaMilenche agreed but this is a reflection of a fractured, isolated world. We're supposed to live in tribes. We need intergenerational longterm communities. A lot of people are antisocial and feel strong resistance to socializing because there's never an investment. People are disposable and replaceable. We're constantly starting over, uprooted and exhausted. The early investment building a relationship is the hardest part. To care before you care, on principle, knowing something better will come of it. But people don't do this. They don't fight to escape the Matrix or even notice the world we walk around in has been built and handed to us, while our neighbors remain strangers.
This woman's response is an example of the antisocial behavior that perpetuates this desolate world. If anybody wants it to change, we need to start investing in local relationships so later on we can identify our tribe, and create our community. Not be pawns in a Matrix, but creators in the game of life.
@@Authentistic-ism My hypothesis is that people who are fundamentally unhappy or insecure or don't value themselves, become incredibly and sometimes unreasonably picky when it comes to partners, because subconsciously they feel they need a great partner, who perfectly fits in their mental picture, in order to be happy. Whereas a person who is fundamentally happy with himself or herself isn't as picky, because they don't need a partner to make them happy.
She is doing her ex-boyfriends a huge favor of letting them go. Hopefully they will find better partners next time!
43:16 COGNITIVE REFRAMING: changing the way we see problems internally❤.
One of the best transmissions of lately
Good to finally see someone outside of the red pill speak to the issues affecting men with such resolution and clarity. In the public discourse, there's too much "just gym, bro" or the opposite: "just be a woman" for any intelligent progress to be made.
Don't underestimate how much physical exercise and physical well-being help with mental stuff. Plus, gym is a good way to find friends.
@@MegaMilenche While your statement is true, the Red Pill mainly talks about the gym for the ego of getting ripped rather than the physical well being
@@MegaMilenche Doesn’t change the fact that it’s impact is way overblown in pop culture dude. You’re talking to someone who’s lifted weights (on and off, tbf) for 15 years.
Is there community in lifting? Sure. Can engaging the body be helpful in de-stressing? Sure. Dr K has spoken about this stuff a lot, and recently (“why therapy sucks for men” video).
But the stuff he gets into in this video is way past the impact of lifting. Societal pressures, double standards, limited access to resources, etc. Lifting weights is something that *you* can do to feel better *now* and later on, but it doesn’t *fix* anything.
@@MegaMilenchebut it sucks
red pill > Dr K > blue pill
53:09 - "Satisfying your internal desires is a source of suffering.", Dr.K
53:51
Not all desires are the same.
There's desires and there is duty.
Isn't it duty what I should do ? No. Duty is what you feel you should do.
Not what someone else feels you should do.
So it is a Should but a should that comes the inside not from the outside.
57:31 - Problems with listening to the shoulds of others.
Making a value judgment of them behind above you.
57:50 - Desires : Wants VS Care
"There are base desires that comes from the sense organs: taste, smell, sex, emotional engagements.
And there's the stuff that matter to you.
There's the stuff that you want and the stuff you care about.
And the more that you live towards what you care about, the happier you will be.", Dr.K
58:32 - Neurology : Dopamine
• Renforcing chasing pleasure NOT being comptent with your life : Eudonic VS Eudie-monics
Suffering/Pleasure VS Satisfaction
Prefrontal Cortex ? Not pineal.
Maaaaybe it comes from the thingy that Huberman talks about often.
Oh no just everything else than the nucleus accumbens (siege of the dopamine circuitry)
01:01:37 - *_"This is Spiritually"_*
° "To have your behaviors not by your plaisir."
° "Or your behaviors not be controlled by avoidance of pleasure."
° "To be contempt in spite of pleasure or pain."
01:02:37 - What to do in life
*_"What do in life : WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!"_* ,
This is my prefered fucking Dr.K moment all time.
01:04:38 - CHOOSING is the way to happiness;
Exercice choice in life.
Greatest way to be in control, to be happy, choose in spite of pain or pleasure, choose for YOUR DUTIES don't choose the ones of OTHERS, or worse being influence by their DESIRES.
---PAUSE AT --01:07:00------
DID NOT LISTEN BEFORE 58:00 ~
fascinating conversation, thank you, & yes we actually are all in this together
for better or for worse
(“I’m beautiful & I deserve it” I laughed lol)
Was a hilarious in livestream also=) But In all honesty, I was like "gimme me two" until it. Not great selling point for anyone.
1:30:00. 👏 say it louder for the ppl in the back! Women have been conplaining about being "bangmaids" and the science says single women are happier than being "married single mothers". This is why women generally initiate divorece after the birth of their first child.
Thank you, Dr K, for all your insight.
Heh, as soon as you brought up the topic of why we keep living, I immediately said, "SPITE!" It's not great to rely on all the time, but it's handy in those places dark and deep.
Probably the best analogy for it is to a pilot light.
I see suffering differently. I see suffering as inherent to life and the order of the universe which is very difficult to understand. One thing I do know, is if we try, we can learn immensely from suffering. Strangely suffering can generate beauty which is very difficult to comprehend but out of suffering we can find things like strength and heroism. I would argue that living well, means living in the moment and accepting what is. But yes one of the most fundamental questions is why do bad things happen to good people or why do good people suffer.
It is not a silent epidemic, but a silenced epidemic.
Yeah, great point.
Try to discuss male issues, and you still get told to shut up by enough people that effectively you can't speak out.
01:40 - The *GREATEST* (and I'm weighing my words extremely there) EXPLANATION FOR GENRES WARS : MALE VS FEMALE.
Simply the best resume and explanation I've seen in my life.
Soral peut aller se rhabiller (même si il avait en partie raison, il décrivait un symptôme de ces problèmes plus grands).
(L'extrait commence encore plus tôt que 01:40:00 , sur le marketing et la société du désir)
The point about male touch and men relying strictly on sexual/romantic relationships for emotional labour is great. I'm female and these days I'm really reluctant to get into relationships with men because I was heavily parentified by a single father with BPD (also helped raise my younger siblings) and now, in my 30s, I don't want to have to manage someone else's emotions without reciprocation. If it's shared emotional intimacy that's one thing, I'm just not going to do your work for you. I'm a teacher and I don't mind helping children, but as an adult? You're on your own my guy.
So thankful to the Creator that your parents came together, you chose them, had the resources you needed and all that fell into place for you to sit here and teach us what we need to understand. Stay blessed Dr.K
Just my opinion ofc, but i think a lot of women why say they want men to earn more than they do are actually saying "i don't want to be punished for earning more". Just as many tall girls, as it turns out, do not care if boys are taller or not, but they have bad experiences with shorter boys holding a grudge that gets worse with time
This!! The women I know, myself included, don't really care about the money. They just don't want to have manage men's feelings of inadequacy for earning less even though money doesn't make the man so to speak. Same with women being intolerant of men's anger. Men's anger KILLS US! Of course we aren't going readily accept it. When men are willing to work on themselves and channel their feelings in a healthy way then maybe women will be willing to take them back. Until that happens, we're safer and happier alone.
This, right here! For me, if a man has serious anger issues or makes less than me, those are deal breakers for this *very* reason. I don’t give a care what he makes or how tall he is, but if his feelings of inadequacy about such things are inconsolable and present a *danger* to me, I want nothing to do with him. My mother endured a **horrifically** abusive marriage with someone with these same self esteem issues, and I refuse to continue the cycle by taking up the mantle of being an adult male’s emotional “babysitter.” I have better things to do with my time and energy-and I like my eyes not being black and my teeth where they are in my head, thank you very much!
@steeldon6620 🤣 happily married with no cats, but go off I guess
I think it's useful to understand that people have a rational brain and a more unconscious brain.
Sure, women's rational brain says "it no problem if he earns less than me." But that's not what a lot of women's unconscious brain says.
@kaitlynroush6518 im still listening to see if he addresses it but this is exactly what I was thinking about the anger. Angry men are terrifying because in their anger many of them don't stop themselves from becoming physical. Or screaming in your face and sayings hurtful things. Its hard for me to think of someone being angry while also not being outwardly destructive.
I have learned to recognize when my boyfriends anger is him expressing a need to be heard and that he is dealing with something difficult. But I never ever will put up with outwardly destructive anger directed at me as a valid way to express that. I need to be able to trust the men in my life not to do that after growing up with a very angry abusive father.
You have changed my life! Thank you so much!!
I dont have the best relationship with my family. My parents spent more time buying several houses and trying to put a roof over our heads that they neglected to teach us how to put roofs over our own heads.
Every Gen X and Millenial it seems. And then they complain that we are not good at what they didn't teach us.
feels like my energy is sucked out forcing myself to do the things i dont wanna do... wake up early work.8 hours a day 5 days a week.
i just wanna not have to work for a year or more and get to WANT to try new things, learn what i actually enjoy and if i HAVE to work, then it will actually be at something i enjoy...something that doesnt feel like work , but is something that makes me excited to get outta bed in the morning.
right now i have NO idea what that is. of what i can do to make money to afford housing, food ,travel, etc and live a life i love
I was looking forward to Dr. K talking through the post in the thumbnail. It's what spoke to me and drew me to click on the vid. It's a little disappointing seeing it's a different video
I just started watching, and hearing doctor K say “I’m hoping to talk about something that’s going to improve your life’s today. Well that’s the goal” made me smile cheek to cheek; what a selfless, amazing person.
An amazing role model. Thank you, doctor!
So many people need to hear this about men and women and privilege etc!!! Thank you so much for this.
"The Ruining of Men" sounds like the key event in a fantasy setting before the MC is introduced
Thank you! You keep so many people alive and hopeful!! You are a true gift to this world!!!!
I really think the title should be changed. There was zero attention on ADHD and hardly and on emotional neglect.
He always gets sidetracked when the topic of lonely men gets brought up, which I appreciate but the emotional neglect needs to get talked about more
This!!! I want the emotional neglect talk.
You should definitely try to interview Neil Newbon. His life story is fascinating. I got to meet him at Fan Expo Philly, and when I tell you it was a life changing experience, I mean it. Such a deeply humble and dedicated person who knows what it is like to go through a very very dark path to get to where he is today. You would not be disappointed and your community would love the interview.
Around the 40 minute mark, Dr. K is talking about Sensuality - and it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the senses - it's feeling with the body.
This is life changing. I kept pausing and asking myself where do I do this and what do I want to do instead.
I will buy a “Y’all get that?!” mug.
Dr.K is the most brilliant man alive on Earth. I would follow him religiously. The amount that he has done for my life is incredible. Thank you so much for all of what you do.
person: *drowning*
dr k: “yes, you are correct”
What do you mean?
Easily one of the most perceptive, engaging and insightful-not to mention thought-provoking two hours and five minutes I’ve watched on RUclips, perhaps ever. Thank you for this one, especially-much to digest and share…
Love your approach. Thank you for all your valuable contributions!