I hope people will give more awareness about CPTSD. It happens in silence and we never know how many undiagnosed adults who thought they came from a "healthy" family are suffering from it.
I was one of them. It took so long to even begin unraveling the reality of my childhood. It is jarring and disorienting trying to examine the past, but can be very healing in the end.
I just wanna thank you all for all the lovely comments. At first I was thinking much about going under the radar, and not even showing in the stream etc etc. I still believe we have some faults in society where you cannot open up fully and things like that. That is the reason why I restrict myself from a lot of things in this talk, but also that I respect the people I talk about in the stream. They are all very precious to me (except my mum lulz) and I don't want to tamper on areas where they cannot speak up or maybe do not even want to share. So please respect that ^_^, I saw some comments not really understanding it and I hope I gave my fair share of explanation on it. So, what do I mean by not opening up fully in this society we live in? Well, I believe people are still people and they judge a lot. What I love about Dr K's doing is to not only doing the AOE Healing but also changing the society structure. Showing that it is ok to have flaws and that not everyone is perfect. Especially when you look at a stream and you only see the good sides of a person, you can easily get deceived as that is what the social medias do. As it is still looked upon as being "Weak" or "instable" or things along those lines in todays society. I have much belief in my country, and the work I am at, but still we are still not there yet where you can open up fully. It is still frowned upon but tides are turning for sure. That is the reason why I did not unleash my true form! I'm not sure if it was smart to reveal myself here now but I guess we'll find out and I have hope in you guys, especially this community as there are only really nice people here from what I've experienced.
Thank you for coming on, CPTSD has affected the quality of my life significantly, so I was thrilled to have you bring your story to Dr. K . In regards to you opening up, I do hope that you are able to discuss the more delicate matters of your life confidentially to Dr. K, without the stream. That way the issues can be addressed, healing can begin, and there is no loss of public face. Best of luck to your journey, you are not alone.
It was a pleasure hearing you talk with Dr. K, and I'm especially impressed by how strong you are even when dealing with your mom. I hope that you continue to live on and have a wonderful life, and please realize there will always be people who are willing to help you when times get rough.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find listening to such a relatable story helps me find closure, because I always find myself going back to my past and never moving on. I hope you're doing better and can find happiness and comfort.
There were things that you said that made my heart sink and my eyes water, because I've experienced the same. I appreciate you going on and talking about this. I want the world to understand what an Nmom is like just so we don't have to feel so alone in our struggles.
I'm always baffled at how IMMENSE the damage inflicted by bad parents can be. Listening to his story broke my heart, seeing the way he talks about it I can feel the strain from the constant struggle, but also a great determination to get all the trauma under control. Hope you're getting better, dude, sending a hug.
I didn't know shadowbanning comments was a thing. I tried to give a really good explanation of my current state and my journey to get there. Guess I'll keep it short with no explanations. I'm doing really good now. Everything has made a 180 turn around and has lasted for quite a while!!!(2 months). So thank you all!
William, I am so happy to hear that you are doing so much better. Congratulations, man! You deserve all the best! And who shadowbanned your explanations on your own video?! Do tell us how you got better! I would love to hear it!
Hey William, was wondering how you were doing I'm happy for you man. im glad you have the strength to have a good fight against cptsd. I am talking to a therapist today hopefully i can express what im going through without getting overwhelmed.
Thank you all really much for all the kind words. I have read every single comments and do come times to times to see what people has to say. The update about current status as I hear many wants to know is that unfortunately I am still very broken. I have to keep having a very good and controllable mindfulness so that my emotions are not taking over. It's really tiring and it's really a struggle still day by day. I have continued to try out a lot of techniques. I now am a dog owner that definitely helps a bit to live more in present and she is just so adorable and happy all the time which is very contagious :3. I have tried EMDR, the WIM Hof method and practicing a lot of things of what science about being happy is. Truth to be told. What you guys have written here also keeps me so much of wanting to continue and give it my best and try to beat this demon. So thank you thank you thank you.
William, your story reached me in a very close and personal place. I'm not usually one to cry but I cried listening to you describe how you felt, especially when the word "human" came up. Thank you so much for going on stream and even coming back to give an update. It's so hard to keep going, let alone try to get better. I still need to reflect on the session I just watched, but I just wanted to say I'm rooting for you.
gotta say I love that dr. K asks "can i collect my thoughts for a moment" etc., I've been to SO many therapists who don't communicate that well and it only leaves me wanting to run away from the office
@@arraikcruor6407 they say nothing and so we just sit in awkward silence and idk what they're thinking, are they thinking? judging me? I don't know why they're silent and it's killing me :)
I was so close to giving up today, but this video may have saved my life today. I too was raised by a narcissistic mother, and after her passing away, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I often feel so lonely and misunderstood. My biological family does not believe me. I have an upcoming EMDR traject, but it is hard to experience hope.
Hey, I understand you. You aren't alone, there are many of us out here in the wild. I hope things get better for you. Healing is a long, long, journey. Best of luck 🤍
Hope you are doing better now this is a year on! I'm the same, narc parents and cptsd (undiagnosed) and it's a tough ride. But again hope you are doing better now!
How courageous to do a psychiatric session for the world to watch. This guy is stronger than he knows, I think he will have success in his journey. Dr. K…amazing, great work.
One. At. A. Time. (It's a slow, but effective (I hope) process) Helping out the more popular streamers sure does help, though :) I kinda wish more psychiatrists/therapists would get into doing this type of stuff on Twitch :/
+Vishal Maraj You're making the false assumption that no other therapist/psychiatrist in the world plays video games in their off-time (so closed-minded :/) All I'm sayin' is "the more help we can get, the better (but hopefully, they do not intend on charging for these services, and just do it out of the kindness of their hearts, because people that work in these fields generally do not make a lot of money unless they have credentials like Dr. K does).
@@VSM101 having the option for more resources is always better for people who need help. Even if Doctor K is the best in your opinion, the second best could still help almost just as much as he could.
These people have every resource to get help... Best thing for YT and twitch? How? Shits dumb AF. Plenty of people out there that ACTUALLY need help... Doesn't pay the bills or make you feel as important though I guess.
Being raised by a narcissistic parent I felt and I feel all the things William did and I'm really glad Dr. K was able to help him and give people like him more insight into who they are. Thank you very much William and I hope you can start healing fully 🙏
Same! My mother wasn't as terrible to me as William's is to him, but I still got pretty deep scars from it, generalized anxiety disorder and anxiously avoidant personality disorder among them. The stream really was amazing and one of my favourites by far!
I understand the way this guy feels too much. The world keeps beating you down every time you try to get out from under the water when you’re drowning. I wish him the best!
What a horrendous childhood to go through. Truly the fact that William has tried so hard to just keep living is amazing. I can relate to his experience but his hope is so beautiful and he’s become such a beautiful person that’s truly doing his best 💗💗
@@Kensumariit is a battle. I also have CPTSD. It's so hard to recondition our brain and nervous system away from our trauma responses. We have to keep putting in different healing repetitions to train our brain and body. You might like Patrick Teahan's channel. His dialoguing technique using dominant/non-dominant hand writing helps rewire the brain. I also found I have to practice regulation skills to help keep myself in my window of tolerance and help expand it. Books by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana on polyvagal theory, regulation skills, and window of tolerance have helped me understand my nervous system better. (I find yoga helpful.) I hope your healing repetitions go well.
Going through that from a young age and his intellect alone kept him alive this long is amazing. Also big credit to his grandma which was his anchor to this world.
Without his grandma he would likely have no self of sense and probably recieve a diagnosis like schizophrenia and have been committed to a mental institution. His grandma really saved his person and his mind. You are so right about his intellect carrying him through, that's what I used to survive my ptsd and emotional agony, using knowledge about the world to try to stay anchored to the world.
@@justaperson9155 That's a good observation, Justaperson - his suffering might have caused his entire mind and perception to collapse into schizophrenia in absence of the minimal sense of self he gained through the relationship with his grandma. This makes me wonder what has stopped me from going into psychosis / schizophrenia, as I have covert narcissistic mother, but no very strong ties to other family members, and thus my sense of self is minimal. I've spent many years in a state of extreme dissociation, feeling like I do not exist, and I could almost certainly be diagnosed with having C-PTSD as a result of covert narcissistic mothering and weak fathering, and also moving house and school every two years due to my father's military career. So I had no physical stability in my childhood, and no emotional stability either because my parents didn't value my existence and I kept having to say goodbye to my friends and home-towns, getting traumatised and grief-stricken again and again, while I never had any emotionally mature adult caregivers to guide me through my grief. The only adults around - my parents - wished I was more like my successful sister, crushing my sense of self even more. So my sense of self is tiny, like a little piece of sweetcorn, but even a little piece of sweetcorn is something, and something is better than nothing! That little something may be what stopped me from going psychotic or schizophrenic. That, and for some reason Spirit entered my life around the time my extreme dissociation came in. Spirit saved me and turned my dissocation into a spiritual awakening, helping me find my formless identity beyond and beneath, and even within all of my trauma. Now I can exist on the world of form and formless at the same time. Pretty miraculous that that happened to me. The world is full of miracles. So unlike Will, who's intellect saved him, my spontaneous and inherent spirituality saved me from utter annhialation and consequently psychosis / schizophrenia. And why do I have inherent spirituality? I dunno, that's a very deep question I might have to reflect upon. Thanks Justaperson and numanumame for inspiring these reflections, and obviously thank Dr. K and Will for the original video. Much love to all who read this
I'm a mother to a 10 year old boy and I cannot imagine doing to him what William's mother has done. I just want to hold William. I hope he gets to feel immense love at some point in his life.
I am also permanently damaged from an narcissistic parent. I found out about my PTSD a few years ago. But I too feel like I am only band aiding it instead of truly heal from it. I really felt the pain when I listened...i was almost about to watch something else. I am very emphatic and In this case I know exactly the feels. Its crushing! And people who never had it cant understand how severe of a debuff this is.
This interview really hit home. At the end of it, I hugged my laptop hoping it was sent through to William (pretty silly, I know). I'm really glad you notice your well being and getting help. And thank you William's grandma for being there for him.
The internet it such a blessing, so people can see things like this. It gives ne faith in humanity seeing responses to this video from people that have never even experienced abuse. These narcissistic people cannot be pleased no matter what you do. Im old and nobody talked about stuff like this when I was young, you just learned you had to keep your mouth shut and turn your emotions off. Expecting anyone to have empathy for you, and if you complained your life would just be much worse. There was no mental health care. Suck it up buttercup. Im so glad to see he is getting help. He deserves a wonderful life.
This one really hit home for me. My mother and father are both narcissists and did very similar things to me throughout my childhood. It really hit when he said, "I'm surprised you're still alive"
This young man looks and sounds like me. In his answers, his posture, his voice. I can completely relate. I can feel his tension. I too feel like an alien, that I never belonged in the world. But looking at him I'm thinking, I don't want to think like that about him. He's a fine smart young man, why would we want to cast him away. Dr K is very perceptive. Feeling like a ghost is exactly it. Staying in the lobby forever is exactly it.
I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD in 2008 because of a lifetime of childhood abuse from my mother, and domestic abuse for years after that. I was told that if I heal 40-50% of it, I'd be in a better place, but to not give up if I don't. At 60 years old, I can say without a doubt that I've healed from it all 10 years ago! I figured out instinctively that I had to heal more than the mind because I knew what was broken in me. I did a lot of research on the various diagnoses I had - C+ PTSD, Agoraphobia, Anxiety attacks, Severe Depression ... the list goes on. Every trigger that brought all of these symptoms - a hell to live through daily - has completely stopped getting me sick. It's doable! Trust in your capacity to heal. Trust in your inner self - that light that wants to shine - WILL SHINE. Best of luck, and you can do this!
Oh, i've grown up worse than that. Like all types of abuse and shit like that. And people are telling me that it's okay cause it made me stronger. I was a child I didn't needed to be stronger
@@flipndip5122 exactly....people don't get that having a parent so abusive and neglectful destroys your ability to actually trust people at all because you're self worth is in the trashcan, and you're waiting for them to leave you.
I don't know if William will ever see this, but I just wanted to say to him I related exactly to his childhood story and hopefully be an example of something that might give a bit of hope. Only in my case it was my crappy dad, and he picked on me as the older sibling instead of my brother. I too went through the yelling, the constant shaming and insults, and all the different methods of trying to reduce my pain by appeasing my dad all through my life. To top it off I then went straight from an abusive father into abusive relationships. And I couldn't kick that problem for nearly a decade after I moved out of my parent's house in the first place. I too ended up with C-PTSD from childhood memories and memories of physical assault from my own partners. And I too spent years going in and out of therapy, wondering if I was ever going to be able to escape the endless re-living of the worst moments of my life. One of my exes was big into supersticions and said he was going to curse me and all sorts of other shit, but for a long time it really felt to me like he was haunting me just because I couldn't get rid of him from my brain. I attended long term EMDR therapy for PTSD, where I went around addressing issues with that ex and issues from my childhood. For a long time I really didn't feel like I could make it, because I felt just trapped in the same memories and I was just so sick of being in that place. Eventually, after nearly two years of work, I actually managed to change a memory I'd been living through in my head. Like I can't explain how much of a breakthrough that was, because never before had I ever be able to not play it through exactly as it had been every single damn time I'd seen it (probably hundreds of thousands of time by that point). And suddenly I could change the outcome in my head so that I could walk out, or fight back, or even watch my ex get sucked into a black hole or just anything so that the memory was different. And from there, the multiple other memories that had been plauging me, I could change them too. And then the memories stopped making me cry, or in worst cases actually start screaming, and went to just at most, leaving me a bit on edge. And then you know, suddenly I was changing my life as well. Now I could actually start thinking about what I wanted, not what I thought I had to be. And then I started being able to finally seperate myself properly from my toxic dad, address some of my addiction to being in relationships, and eventually to for the first time being geniunely able to trust what my friends were saying to me (I was so used to people turning on me I just couldn't allow myself to really trust that people wanted me around until then). So I guess although as Dr. K says, it's hard to hope when you've been through so much crap, I just wanted to say that I am an example of someone where my flashbacks are now nearly all gone, and my life is just completely different to how it used to be before. I still get moments where I doubt myself and so on, but compared to how it used to be when I was locked in depression for years at a time, and a bad mood would leave me mentally defeated for weeks, now it's just so much more manageable. I feel like I'm finally living my life after all this time. And I hope some day you feel like that too. If anyone is interested in some background about PTSD and C-PTSD, I can recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It definitely has a lot of anecdotal stories which could trigger a wide range of people, but I was hooked from start to finish because it goes deeply into reasons why it starts in the first place and also a wide range of possible solutions, some of which don't involve therapy at all. I've also been looking into "The Rewind Method", which I was thinking of trying for the very last remnants of my problems, and this is something that research has said has had very good results in as little as 6 sessions (which would certainly be faster and thus cheaper than EMDR). An important thing to remember with PTSD is that often it is not helpful to actually talk explictly about your memories that trigger you, as your brain treats the memories as if you are directly re-living them, so by talking through a painful memory without a therapist or method to help distance you from the memory, you will likely just re-traumatise yourself. Both EMDR and the Rewind Method involve methods to keep you actually in the present instead of getting lost in your memory again, and this is important for your brain to process your memory into an actual "distant" memory, instead of processing it as if you're actually living through it again. TLDR: I went through a lot of similar crap to William and also ended up with C-PTSD, but through a lot of EMDR therapy and self-reflection I managed to get to a point where my memories no longer trigger me. In the paragraph above I recommended a book and talked about a method that might be worth a try if you are suffering from traumatic memories. I also warned at the end that often PTSD needs specific therapies like EMDR or The Rewind Method to be treated effectively instead of talking therapies and explained briefly why.
@@Kensumari If you ever wanna talk bro lemme know, I am in the same situation, but seem to be 'stuck' especially figuring out my future, bouncing off ideas would be cool!
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a few years ago (I'm 40 now) and it was a combination of mental and emotional abuse from childhood, and even more severe abuse after I became an adult.
It all sounds awfully familiar. Even those slighty helping attempts to "fix" everything. This endless search for the final puzzle piece is really draining. Thanks Dr. K for being there for us!
Panchakosha is the name of the system Dr. K talks about, for anyone curious. From Wikipedia: "The layers of body that seemingly cover the Atman." This was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you!
I'm only 20mins in and I have to click away because it's too relatable,it's actually really sad hearing this coming out of someone else's mouth..I hope I remember to come back to this another time
I definitely relate to having your body refusing to die... the moment I realized what I was about to do, it's like the movie of the entire history of life on earth played in a flash in my mind and suddenly killing myself was not an option anymore... Whenever I'm in extreme distress, that's what brings me back without a miss.
I have Autism and I’m a visual thinker. I really appreciate the “map” you’ve laid out. Its really hard to heal if you are blindly trying different things and can’t tell if you’re doing it right or what else can be done. This diagram helps me see the whole picture and where I might be missing in my work to heal. Thank you so much.
I never see discussions surrounding CPTSD. Honestly I didn't know what it was until finding it on the internet years later. I was put into foster care at 16 because my therapist reported my mom to CPS. Ever since I've been struggling to understand myself and have felt broken and can't fully relate to others. Thank you for covering this topic.
Are you sure it didn't start when your mom was abusing or neglecting you enough to be worth reporting to CPS and the things leading you to need to be in therapy at age 16. I doubt it started at age 16 with the foster care...
@VioletEmerald I was vaguely aware I was experiencing abuse but my Mom was in my head at the time so I questioned if I was a bad kid or if she took things to far. Ultimately my parents left me at a rest stop at 16 and that's the event that led to me being put into foster care. You're right, things did start before then, but I didn't fully recognize it as abuse until the system stepped in to be honest
I have a narcissistic sister. She controls the house with her judgement, leaves her bedroom door open so I can't talk to my mam without being monitored, she has a room to her own and a personal office and I have to share my bedroom with my brother. I'm so sick of the various complications in my home that I haven't talked to anyone in the last 2 months. And the saddest thing is my emotions haven't been this level in a long time. Especially thanks to Dr K.
I feel you, CPTSD here too. So sorry for the abuse you lived with. Me too, I try my hardest to see others living in hell and show them at least some love and compassion because I know, others that saw me and stepped up even in little ways basically saved me. Live strong in love and memory of your grandma.
You are a genius! Why are more people not exposed to this understanding of the human being? Why are more people not exposed to an understanding of what meditation is, and what it's intended purpose is, beyond just sitting still and trying to not attach to any of your thoughts. If more people got in touch with themselves through this method the world would be a lot better place and there would be a lot less suffering. Thank you so so much for posting this educational and inspirational content on RUclips and for being an amazing teacher! I also want to say thank you William for being brave enough to share your story and experiences with us. I have been going through similar difficulties for a long time. I got so much inspiration and hope from this video. More than just hope I also now have a roadmap and guide for how to heal myself. HealthyGamerGG, I cannot thank you enough for this content. Keep being amazing and creating amazing content like this. Also, William, best of luck to you to you! You seem like a genuinely sweet, smart young man and I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much for this video, I had given up. None of the clinical and spiritual help I pursued was working almost like I was in a plateau. I literally ran out of reasons to keep going, nothing mattered. I'm not even an hour into the video and the contents of it have given me hope again, that I can want to live. It's almost like I've been waiting the entirety of my 23 years of living just to hear some of the things said so far. Like that I'm allowed to exist and the disassociative feeling of being a ghost. Honestly just the recognition of these things without the applicable ways to correct them have given me so much hope and validation that things can actually be better and that it's not that far away. As of right now I firmly believe you saved my life.
I'm lost of words, thank you! I was asked to do this public or not too, thought it could help others. I'm glad that I could be "useful" in some way at least :O. I actually think these things needs to address so much more in this world. It's like you're saying, really hard to find materials about it.
I am so glad I clicked on this video. Thank you William for being so vulnerable. I feel like my story parallels yours a lot. I've too been diagnosed with C-PTSD and been doing treatments and all but nothing seems to help. I know exactly what you mean by "feeling heavy". It's so exhausting. Thank you Dr. K for the amazing analyst.
He seems like such a sweet and wholesome and amazing person. I really hope he will come to realize this is true eventually and be able to perceive himself as such. Virtually sending him and all of you all the hugs in the world. It's been such and inspiring story and experience and OMG, they really came to such relevant conclusions.
I grew up in a similarly abusive situation and "finding puzzle pieces" is such a bad headspace to be in. When I was growing up I became *obsessed* with those Puzzle pieces
@@alexfranklin2898 BY reliving (remembering) horrible memories to try and figure out why you were abused and why it happened why the person would do that. it could make you feel like you deserve the abuse or sympathize for the abuser and feel like what they did was justified. or cause more rage or negative emotions by basically worsening your PTSD trying to figure out your ptsd by being in it and reliving it.
@@alexfranklin2898 I would also like to hear more about this as someone who’s currently obsessed with finding those puzzle pieces and can’t seem to break the thought loops
@@Gyrae so as someone who had a emotionally abusive parent, these puzzle pieces are “imaginary ideas” these pieces are the LOGIC you are looking for. But there is absolutely NO LOGIC in abuse. It is pure emotional rationality that causes the beast within us to do such atrocious acts to others. At the end of the day. The abuser (in my case it was my mom) was hurting and she took it out on me. As I grew older and went to therapy. You realize that it was their problem and not your own. You were NOT RESPONSIBLE for others actions. It took years of pain to realize this.
God damn, Dr. K, thank you for this. It's possible you may never understand how FUCKING IMPORTANT you are. Anad thank you for your guests for having the courage to do this.
This guy. Its a sad story I heavily relate with. Real brave of him to share. I live in a different country speak a different language, but interestingly I talk the same way. Analytical. Pauses and trailing off at the end of a sentence, when I talk to a therapist. Feeling lonely and fake at friends, also very relatable. Also super relatable feeling better during a relationship. Whether its a healthy one or not all that attention just feels great, finally opening our eyes how bad we were feeling.
Thank you so much, William, for sharing this incredible mind-walk. It's hard to overstate how valuable this video was for me. Meditation was what made me want to get treatment for my CPTSD, because it did exactly what Dr. K is hoping it might for William. I was part of a Soto Zen temple/sangha for a year or so, found some relief in trauma work with a therapist, and then my practice sort of fell off. It's been on and off, and I've lost that home base. So I would periodically try a new approach, and for the first few times, it's incredibly eye-opening. And then it becomes harder and harder to connect. The novelty makes it easier to be present, I guess. I can relate to losing hope, and it's really good to hear Dr. K say that it's reasonable to lose hope when the treatments you're trying don't address the type of issue you're dealing with. I gave up on the spiritual piece and just went for the emotional in therapy, and have been losing hope as that's not working. I did the exercise at the end along with the video, and I had the same reactions William did. And everything that came before in the video came together. I was amazed to find that when I did the half-lotus bit with the mudra, and asked myself, "Does this person deserve to live?" the answer was yes. Holy shit. And it was such a gentle yes, like "yes, of course." Metta can be hard, because it can feel grandiose and almost manipulative when I really feel like a piece of shit that shouldn't exist. But body scans alone weren't helpful either, except to fall asleep. This brought it all together. William, I'm with you, brother. The hope will wax and wane, but I hope interactions and moments of inspirations carry you to the next step. 💙
Thank you really for your kind words, I'm glad it can also help others and you actually are helping me too by writing these nice things. I come here times to times to see if people tell their stories and see if they manage to overcome their cptsd, I'm unfortunately still struggling, but reading that people are overcoming it really gives me a huge boost.
Wow. I finally feel compassion for myself after hearing my story from someone else. I can't believe either of us made it. The part about slamming his head against the wall was what got through to me.
Wow so glad to have something to watch here that refers to C-PTSD! You are a fucking champion William, i believe in you we can do this! This is gonna be the loongest fucking post on youtube ever so creds to those who stick through with it. I will list my discoveries in a list later down for TLDR. Anyway these are some of my experiences and ways of trying to deal with c-ptsd. First of all my c-ptsd got caused by my mom who have narcissistic/borderline traits and father with codependent traits. So the weird and insidious thing with this is that in my case it was not at all that severe(compared to William), it could be quite subtle so it took me until i was around 20 to realize i was being abused and i didn't took it that seriously. Then it took me around 5 years to realize just how severely this "small" abuse had fucked me up and another 5 years to ask for help because I thought objectively because there are other people who have it way worse, who am i to complain. Because i was brainwashed to belive my only purpose in life was to essentially perform and do exactly as the narcissist(and other people) said to me, my small intact self that i had left evaporated when i asked for help. The reason for my existence was to help other people and do as they said, not to ask for help. I experienced huge shame that was almost unbearable by just reaching out and asking for help but i finally did and i am glad i did. This might be a bit exaggerated but the closest i can come to describing the situation is that being raised by a person with these traits probably feels just like being brainwashed in an internment camp for political prisoners. Forget building a healthy ego or an even sense of self. In my case my dad abandoned me when i asked for help and he ignored me so the betrayal was two fold and i got addicted to video games and porn to numb out. My experience with CBT therapy: I started CBT therapy the first time i asked for help and just being listened to helped a bit and staying in the shame and guilt for telling on my abuser made overall shame decrease a bit. I couldn't really follow through with this though to get long lasting effects and i got back to my old habits and eventually started to feel WAY worse because i came into contact with my inner critic for the first time(didn't understand what this was at all until later) and the emotions i started feeling were so intense and impossible to stay in so i couldn't stick with it(i even stopped video games/porn during this period but couldn't keep it eventually). I later found out a probable reason to why CBT didn't really work for me when i read what pete walker writes in his book Complex-PTSD from surviving to thriving: "in my experience until the fight response(the ability to get angry) is restored cptsd clients benefit little from CBT, psychodynamic or mindfulness techniques that encourage us to accept the critic". I find this to be 100% true. My experience with wim hof breathing and ice baths: Sometime after CBT therapy i went to a seminar with wim hof instructors in my hometown, heard a lot of people got better from their depressions/mental disorders when watching online testimonials. The breathing excercises made me come into contact with a lot of stuck emotions in my body and the ice baths amplified this effect like 1000 times. Anger is not a word that can really describe what i felt like. Murdering baby seals or eating newly born toddlers would probably be a happy fantasy when i was in that state. Would also get sad and cry for the first time in maybe 15 years. The anger increased my energy levels around 100 times. I remember it was quite close to my home and during the lunch breaks i could sprint on my bike going 1000% times faster going up a slope that would normally kill me half way without even getting close to tired and i got weird sensations like a hot volcano erupting at the base of my spine and shooting up to the head and it felt like hot steam was blowing out through my eyes(i think this was related to stuck anger and/or "kundalini syndrome"). but eventually i started to lose contact with the anger and would go back to feeling drained and tired and incredibly depressed/apathetic i would get a lot of strange symptoms and incredible pains and aches in my body and i would feel like things were stuck. I did loads of research and managed to get a hold of the following books called the mindbody prescription by John Sarno, Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving and John Bradshaws excellent book: healing the shame that binds you because i wanted to figure out more what had happened to me and i finally did. My experience with regular "talk therapy", which i am still going to right now. After the effects from the wim hof seminar subsided and i had read the books i started going to a regular "talk therapist" via my socialised healthcare provider. I thought it to be a good idea to try the methods listed in the books(mainly C-PTSD one) and to have someone professional to talk to while doing this. It feels quite lonely and disconnected having to talk to a detached therapist just listening to you talking and asking you questions but at least he listens. Also my therapist seems reluctant to give me any advice whatsoever except to "stay in the feelings", and he doesn't seem to be familiar with doing "body work" or the concept of trauma or c-ptsd that i had read about. He was also disagreeing when i told him i was emoting out my anger. According to him you should learn to stay in the emotion and never acting on it even though it meant hitting an inanimate object because if you acted on it eventually you might hurt other people. I find this notion to be quite stupid and tried to point out that it was sort of an emergency solution by me and a step by step approach to even allow myself to be angry because that emotion had been forbidden for me. My goal was to in the end be able to just sit with the emotion but he did not seem to understand at all where i was coming from. I would very much like to have a therapist that is well versed in body work and also the trauma side of things but at least he listens and seems to be good enough. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TLDR C-PTSD RELIEF info I am by no means completely free from this but the things that have worked for me to get in contact with stuck emotions and C-PTSD RELIEF are the following: 1. Buy Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving and read chapters on a regular basis, identify your 4F responses flight/freeze in my case. Follow the tips and instructions. ESPECIALLY 8, 9, 10, 11. 2. emotion journaling,. Put words on what you are feeling in your body and the emotion you think it corresponds to. Read them out loud. "i feel like this in my body, i think it is this emotion and i accept it without shame especially not from what i have been through" Eventually you are going to get better at identifying the emotion and also staying with the emotion and what you are emotionally flashing back to. It gives hope when you can track your progress. I didn't think i had progressed until i read my journal and realized i stayed in a horrible state of apathetic abandonment depression that turned into active suicide fantasies for a few days without resorting to porn, video games or other distractions or dissociative day dreams. Finally snapped out of it when i started to cry while reading some bits in the complex PTSD book that made me understand how abandoned i had been. 3. wim hof breathing + ice baths. 4. TRE excercises. traumaprevention.com/ These are AMAZINGLY POWERFUL. Maybe a bit too powerful. Be careful, don't overdo them in the beginning, find an instructor first if possible. 5. "normal" meditation. although for me very hard until i started wim hof/TRE excercises. 6. talk therapy, although i am disappointed in the experiences i have had because they didn't seem to know very much about trauma i still think it is very worth just talking to someone good enough that will just listen to what you have been through and just daring to ask for help is a huge thing. Just meeting with someone at a regular basis that listens to you gives hope, for me at least. I can't help thinking that there are probably better therapy alternatives for C-PTSD relief compared to socially funded mainstream psychological care in sweden (that in my case offers talk therapy, or CBT) but i don't know of any. Except Dr K obviously ;)
@@AS-ly8tr hey, thanks for taking the time to read the post. Actually i have refused to take medication so far. Have been skeptical about medication and i got even more skeptical after i laid out all my troubles in detail and explained what had happened to me. Got told by the doctor (and i think also psychoterapeut) that i should start with medication right away just after the first visit, because i probably had a "low baseline", and that the meds were gonna help me get through therapy easier. I asked how that worked and they didn't really give me any coherent answer so i refused. I don't know why they try pushing meds so soon without really understanding a persons situation and taking in their story completely, boggles my mind. I also spoke with a friend who had the same experience, got told the exact same thing about having a default "low baseline" and should start with meds right away. I could also function in the regard that i could get up in the morning and do my routines/chores at home. I also knew quite intimately what my problems were and didn't really see how medication could be of help. Also read some stuff from people that had dealt with C-PTSD and claimed that when they laid off the drugs, their symptoms came back even worse cause the drugs just hid the symptoms, also some side effects didn't really seem to be that fun. Maybe if i would be so broken that i would lie in bed for 16+ hours a day before i could get up i would consider medication. TRE-excercises, yoga, physical release work seem to work fine. i suppose some people really get help from meds tho in that they can even start to try to get their life in order and get out of bed. Of course it is great if they accomplish that. but in my case, didn't really see why i should take em.
I also struggle with cPTSD and have made a lot of progress with CBT, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m starting to plateau in my healing and have been feeling more hopeless about when the painful memories and feelings from my childhood will finally stop haunting me. After seeing this video, I also feel hopeful again after realizing that I need to do more spiritual healing too, and it feels good to see actionable steps I can take to feel like I deserve to exist. I’m excited to see how trying out that meditation will work out for me and my journey to healing. Thank you Dr. K and William for making this awesome video!! I hope you continue to make progress on your healing too 😊
I am still watching the video as I make this comment. I wanted to say that I relate so much to you. Your pain, the abuse, how naracsisstic my mom was, and how I was close to my grandmother. How I took the brunt of the abuse, and how my sibling suffered as well. Very complex *hugs*
@@Kensumari for sure. Even in CBT things such as tracking sleep and exercise and downtime are important. Thanks for your reply William, hope you have a great day!
Idk how to express everything I've learned from this channel and how to thank the people behind it but thanks. The whole killing your body thing stood out with the whole wanting to die, having every reason in the world to do so but something inside not letting you and the cheat code for it is to just keep doing the same detrimental shit until it withers you way. Imma try to stop.
I have over 15 years of therapy and psychiatry that I’ve gone through along with 3 hospitalizations and I’ve always felt more and more helpless after each and every one and have a very dismal view on the mental health system as a whole. I always intellectually knew there was more to my healing then the basics && I knew it’ll take some “work” on my part as well. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and major depressive disorder. This was so informative and summarized all of the learnings I’ve gained so far on my journey. Thankyou & Namaste 🙏🏽
I can relate to this so much, I feel so sad and yet strangely happy to know I'm not the only one with these experiences and feelings. I hope you are doing better now and found your reason to live.
Yeah it's great when you realise you're not the only one... I've found the book ''Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving'' super helpful generally, but specifically in that regard, too. Like a lightbulb going off.
This is powerful interview I've been abused and witnessed my mom being abused by other men i still struggle with processing my emotions but watching these really help me feel not being alone
I relate to his experiences and share many of his coping mechanisms. The solution forward for me has been to grieve the loss of childhood. There’s an element of irreparable tragedy to it. It’s similar to accepting when your body has been horribly injured. It will take a long time to heal from a broken leg and you may always have a limp, but if your nervous system has sufficiently processed the trauma and you’ve properly grieved your losses you eventually gain the capacity to feel gratitude for the ability to walk again. You also often develop a profound depth of character and capacity for tremendous empathy through the recovery process. He’s probably got many years ahead of him of relearning how to be a person and feeling overwhelmed and heartbroken as the layers of abuse and their horrific effects continue to reveal themselves, but he seems like a really high quality person with a thoughtful reflectivity that will probably serve him well along the way
I agree, I screeched ^_^. Like what!!!! I RESONATE WITH YOU AND THIS INTERVIEW SO MUCH😂. I am just cackling right now hahaha LOL. Like grieving childhood, reparenting, grounding meditation, and reflecting on both present and past helped me, like you so much. We're awesome🎉
I know this was two years ago, but this really helped me. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, and hearing him explain how he feels is very validating. Helps me believe myself instead if immediately invalidating, just like he said. We help each other 💙
Thank you so much for doing this Dr. K and William. I had basically the exact same childhood experience and as someone currently in high school, it gives me hope knowing that you are still alive and made it through to be an adult. This interview truly helped me so much and I can't thank you enough for sharing your story.
To Dr: Thank you for creating this channel and having these conversations. I ended up with a notepad trying to organize my own treatment progress and recognize which of my sheathes are strong/weak. Excited to bring up my realizations in my next session. To William: thank you for the courage to be on this page and share so much about yourself. I hope knowing that you participating in this to help yourself is also helping others (like myself) who share the ctpsd diagnosis. Your presence, your existence made a positive impact on me!
This resonates so clearly for me I keep coming back to this video to refresh myself on necessary steps I’ve been in a cycle of expensive and slow responses to crisis points in my life - I live in the U.K. and although healthcare is free it is also very dysfunctional and therapy is expensive on top of prescription charges I finally decided to look closely and try to work through my problems with living, and improve my mental and physical health and since that first step slowly things have fallen apart at an accelerated rate Currently, I do not have access to my daughter because I tried to kill myself and the aftermath made me unfit to be a parent in the eyes of the rest of her family as well as the local governmental bodies I was discharged with “substance abuse” from the hospital and had to seek help independently after that My closest friends have distanced themselves from me, my trauma is family orientated and so there isn’t any one to turn to safely there and as I do not have a clear diagnosis or structure from healthcare team my employment is constantly part of the management - as in, I have to be very careful not to lose my livelihood and income It just never seems to end I present myself with ill health, although I try to hide it, it is sometimes obvious in my behaviours and outlook and people either get bored, turn away or internalise it and resent me Dispute the fact that I always try to do no harm, and never take my problems with living out on others As a result of this I am viewed as pathetic, self loathing and selfish As in, to be gentle with others despite it all somehow undermines my case I am lost and over medicated It is so difficult I understand why people give up
The part about having something within that wants to live MORE than wanting to die DESPITE all the reasons to give up really spoke to me.. thank you Dr. K 😢
52:15 when he said ghost i was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS my heart jumped it was like he said my name very prominently we are but a shell of a human and we do not exist because our existence doesn't make any sense this whole video offers unbelievable amounts of comfort
Literally everything in this video is on point. I recently had an episode due to accumulated stress. One of my younger brothers had a graduation from college and my family was going to see him, but did not bother to tell me that's what it was, so I didn't want to go. I took the time while everyone was away to do house cleaning, since I do the most of it anyway, but to also vent my frustrations on my own. I thought I had gotten out all that I was frustrated about but next day I still felt that stress lingering. All I wanted to do at that point was to suppress it with fresh air and some grocery shopping, but my step dad kept trying to talk with me about it when all I wanted was to push out my anger steadily. Instead we got into a yelling match briefly and it ended with him telling me to F off and move away, only making my mood worse. My relationship with my family hasn't been that good for the majority of my life, to the point that I might as well be an unwanted orphan. It constantly drains me mentally and emotionally just thinking on it and watching and listening to all my other siblings get all the love and attention. Having Autism can be both good and bad, it just how you utilize it and have the support of people to help you through your hardships. It's disastrously depressing when you don't have it.
When I saw the stream (where he called in) I was hoping intensely William would agree to do a full public interview. I'm so thankful he decided to do so!
Holy shit William. Please feel free to send a message whenever you need some compassion and can't find any from yourself. Your spirit here is so strong. Thank you for sharing it.
I'm so sorry you had such. a horrible mom. That's so heartbreaking. I grew up with a narc mom too it's awful. You come across like such a sweet person. I hope you get the love and support in life you deserve. I hope you are able to give to yourself too.
Hearing your story right now is helping me through a nightmare. I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD and it's also from my narcissistic mother. It helps to hear you vocalize so many of the same feelings and fears that I remember, especially the hyper-vigilance. My moms footsteps felt like terror was on the way. I was shamed and isolated to the point that I was worried what people would think of her if I committed suicide. She worked at the elementary school I went to and very early on I learned that any personal feelings or embarrassing moments i shared with her would not be kept between us, but would instead be loudly laughed about in the hallways where my classmates would hear and then mock me. I've always been skinny and a common joke is that I have such a fast metabolism, and she would always say "I swear I'm feeding him." when people would notice and it would be a big laugh. I'm 30 years old now and two weeks ago in therapy I realized that I don't have a fast metabolism, she just never fed me breakfast before school, and after school would usually run errands or walk the school track and make me stay in the car. Since then I've always been proud that I'm really good at being hungry, since I can easily push past my hunger and get a 'second wind' or even a third, but I think that's defined as an eating disorder. I am struggling so hard with accepting it all happened and that I haven't just been spoiled this whole time. Theres so much more and your story is helping me feel heard!
this misdirected treatment thing is very validated. I wasted years in therapy getting nearly nowhere.. Also have a narc mom who I cut off 7-8 years ago.
Twenty something minutes in and I'm crying. I really feel for William because I had to be hypervigilant as a child just like him.and when he started to cry I did. 🥺 :'(
Ugh. I remember being mortified when I heard the door slam because it meant my father got home. I still cringe to this day when a door is closed loudly. Coming home and being on guard when I saw his shoes. Feeling sick when I saw his car in the driveway. To this day he makes my skin crawl. Childhood abuse stick with you and it’s fucking horrifying.
@@violetly_ for the longest time the sound of sandals shuffling down a hallway triggered the hell out of me because hearing my mother's footsteps looming down the hall meant she was going to burst through the door in a violent rage and I was about to be hit or beaten. :( I'm 27 and I'm happy to say that the sound no longer affects me. 🖤 Slamming doors are still a work in progress , but that one is more understandable for people . I'm very sorry to hear that you also relate to this. 🥺🖤
Thanks Dr K, I don’t know how many points in my life that I’ve stopped caring about dying. I’m not sure why I don’t want to die, as I don’t feel any reason that I would want to live, other than the feeling that I have the potential for success, and there’s another part of me that’s the slightest bit stronger that wants to be rich enough to have a house big enough to look down on everyone that has wronged me in life. I don’t feel any hope, I’m feeling even worse off since I stopped smoking weed, but I’m still alive so I feel that I may have the potential to do something great in this world. I haven’t finished this video yet, but I know I won’t click off and I am listening to every word each of you say with nearly my full attention, instead of listening to every car that drives by and panicking if they stop near my house or drive really fast. I’ve liked less than 500 videos all up in the 5+ years that I’ve had this account for, and this video is one of them. Thanks again, it means more than the world to me to have seen this, it means my sanity and sense of purpose too. I’m lucky enough to be an Aussie and I’m currently on the waiting list to see a psychologist and dietitian (177 cm tall and 67kg on a good day), and these videos give me a lot of insight into things I can do in the mean time, and not quite a sense of belonging, but a sense of not being alone in this.
I didn't realize my mom, sis, and many of my exes were narcissists until I dated a schizophrenic psychopath. His sadistic torture was like a giant flashback to being the family scapegoat.
@@dilemmablue2494 I thought schizophrenia was about paranoia and even hallucinations but the person isn't less empathetic or less kind or anything... I am confused how the schizophrenia is relevant. I've met some people with schizophrenia and they may have trauma and struggles but they didn't seem at all similar to my narcissistic mother and relatives...
It's so interesting how seemingly everyone else is - or a very high percentage of people are - suicidal when going through trauma like this and yet my story is sorta remarkably similar to his and I've never once felt suicidal. I've been drawn to other traumatized people in my life and been super close to like at least 6 suicidal people and 2 suicide deaths plus some attempts from others have further traumatized me and made me wonder a lot about suicide. I wonder why i have no suicide gene or something. I can feel despair and other emotions at their most intense but never want to die..
Has to do with your role in the family dynamic. People who go through narcissistic abuse in a family, supposedly the “scapegoats” are usually more resilient and mentally strong, and I have to say I also have defo never thought about suicide.
Looks like the algorithm finally found out that all my issues are related to C-PTSD at the core The shame runs deep, glad to have a direction to my spiritual journey again
The illustration of levels/koshas is super helpful and much more granular than the biopsychosocial model. Pretty sure similar models exists in other spiritual systems like levels of the soul, but Dr. K busting out that hard earned med school diagramming skills really put in perspective. This also explains iotorgenic harm of going through mental healthcare system for issues with root spritual/emotional causes.
Bro I am really happy you are alive and well. I hope all the best things for you in life. Just this video shows you have so much value for the world. Tc and carry on the great work
Thank you Dr. K and William for putting your session and vulnerabilities out there. As a person living with complex PTSD and dissociation, many parts of your session resonated with me. Listening to Dr. K’s approach and (tried to) follow his thinking as a distant observer, it unfolded some positive elements to me. Even though I relate more to William’s negative and unfortunate experiences. The interview was extremely insightful Your conversations brought some healing components to me. I know I’m not the only one who benefited from your session. All the best to you both, Dr. K and William!
The five levels are such a cool concept. It seemed like a character profile, like your atributtes, right? And it feels like checking and improving these atributtes could be very motivating, in the vein of the Healthy Gamer: if you have clear objectives (quests) and those have requirements (atribute points), it would be easier to understand the scope of the issue and how to better improve those atributes. Just some ideas for the implementation of it, it could be really useful for a lot of people that have complex issues (pretty much everyone, I'm guessing...)
There's so much clarity. I've learned so much about trauma and did so much trauma release and spiritual work but this pacha macha thing just gave me a whole nother level of clarity. And the inquiry at the end is brilliant as well
Thank you so much for your bravery. At every question you were asked, I felt myself shrinking back with fear, knowing I wouldn’t be able to respond out of fear of being misunderstood. But you were courageous enough to continue on and it is so amazing that you did. ❤ Thank you. I hope you’re doing ok
Challenge for Dr. K: I have health problems and a sleep disorder that overwhelms all the spiritual emotional strength. My body is constantly trying to sleep, struggles to breath, my cognition/memory is affected, etc. this ruins all social support as I can’t sustain/put energy in to relationship and barely any energy in to self. For this I cannot find an answer to living….not on a sad emotional level, but philosophical. Think of a time when your body was so sick that you had to give up everything and just sleep. Imagine that every day of your life and the exhaustion builds. I can’t support myself and live alone in this state so I will soon be burdening others with this problem. It seems like the only option is to let my body sleep and if I can’t do that alone in my own place and instead have to burden people that don’t want the burden of supporting this….what is the point? I cannot find a solution. I’m an optimistic person but I’m stumped. I’m capable of seeing beauty in small things and being content with what’s left of my life, but most days it’s so bad that even the smallest of hobbies are not possible. There is not point to this. Its not about my worth, I understand I have a right to live. Even if I was promised tomorrow would bring the perfect life, but these physical problems with no cure are still here, the perfect life is useless. Where can I go with this? Its not a psychological problem/mental illness, it’s a quality of life/lack of life problem. Then people rally like no you have to live, blah blah blah….only to force you to continue to live in the same situation that has no solution. I’m in my 30’s, there aren’t places to go like an old folks home or an addict recovery house, etc. there are no societal supports for someone in my situation. I’d love to hear your opinion on a situation like this.
I'm my early 40s and have debilitating insomnia and a myriad of health issues because of lack of sleep. All you said here hit home. Non existent societal support for someone in our situation.
I hope people will give more awareness about CPTSD. It happens in silence and we never know how many undiagnosed adults who thought they came from a "healthy" family are suffering from it.
That can be true but not from parents of family. Only outside of family
@@abdullaalteneiji6533 I'm confused by this statement
Whats cptsd?
I was one of them. It took so long to even begin unraveling the reality of my childhood. It is jarring and disorienting trying to examine the past, but can be very healing in the end.
That's me. 42 and only just realizing what happened.
I just wanna thank you all for all the lovely comments. At first I was thinking much about going under the radar, and not even showing in the stream etc etc. I still believe we have some faults in society where you cannot open up fully and things like that. That is the reason why I restrict myself from a lot of things in this talk, but also that I respect the people I talk about in the stream. They are all very precious to me (except my mum lulz) and I don't want to tamper on areas where they cannot speak up or maybe do not even want to share. So please respect that ^_^, I saw some comments not really understanding it and I hope I gave my fair share of explanation on it.
So, what do I mean by not opening up fully in this society we live in? Well, I believe people are still people and they judge a lot. What I love about Dr K's doing is to not only doing the AOE Healing but also changing the society structure. Showing that it is ok to have flaws and that not everyone is perfect. Especially when you look at a stream and you only see the good sides of a person, you can easily get deceived as that is what the social medias do. As it is still looked upon as being "Weak" or "instable" or things along those lines in todays society. I have much belief in my country, and the work I am at, but still we are still not there yet where you can open up fully. It is still frowned upon but tides are turning for sure. That is the reason why I did not unleash my true form!
I'm not sure if it was smart to reveal myself here now but I guess we'll find out and I have hope in you guys, especially this community as there are only really nice people here from what I've experienced.
Thank you!
Thank you for coming on, CPTSD has affected the quality of my life significantly, so I was thrilled to have you bring your story to Dr. K . In regards to you opening up, I do hope that you are able to discuss the more delicate matters of your life confidentially to Dr. K, without the stream. That way the issues can be addressed, healing can begin, and there is no loss of public face. Best of luck to your journey, you are not alone.
It was a pleasure hearing you talk with Dr. K, and I'm especially impressed by how strong you are even when dealing with your mom. I hope that you continue to live on and have a wonderful life, and please realize there will always be people who are willing to help you when times get rough.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find listening to such a relatable story helps me find closure, because I always find myself going back to my past and never moving on. I hope you're doing better and can find happiness and comfort.
There were things that you said that made my heart sink and my eyes water, because I've experienced the same. I appreciate you going on and talking about this. I want the world to understand what an Nmom is like just so we don't have to feel so alone in our struggles.
I'm always baffled at how IMMENSE the damage inflicted by bad parents can be.
Listening to his story broke my heart, seeing the way he talks about it I can feel the strain from the constant struggle, but also a great determination to get all the trauma under control.
Hope you're getting better, dude, sending a hug.
Me too
I've never seen anyone change their headset batteries on the fly like that. Absolute executive behaviour.
10:46
@@numanumame respect
omg you're so right
numanumame not all heroes wear capes
I wish I could do anything in life that well
I didn't know shadowbanning comments was a thing. I tried to give a really good explanation of my current state and my journey to get there. Guess I'll keep it short with no explanations.
I'm doing really good now. Everything has made a 180 turn around and has lasted for quite a while!!!(2 months). So thank you all!
My day got so much better reading this! Good job my bro.
William, I am so happy to hear that you are doing so much better. Congratulations, man! You deserve all the best!
And who shadowbanned your explanations on your own video?! Do tell us how you got better! I would love to hear it!
Hey William, was wondering how you were doing I'm happy for you man. im glad you have the strength to have a good fight against cptsd. I am talking to a therapist today hopefully i can express what im going through without getting overwhelmed.
Very happy for you!
So so happy to see this, fills me with hope as a CPTSD haver. How are you? Can we be friends?
Thank you all really much for all the kind words. I have read every single comments and do come times to times to see what people has to say.
The update about current status as I hear many wants to know is that unfortunately I am still very broken. I have to keep having a very good and controllable mindfulness so that my emotions are not taking over. It's really tiring and it's really a struggle still day by day. I have continued to try out a lot of techniques.
I now am a dog owner that definitely helps a bit to live more in present and she is just so adorable and happy all the time which is very contagious :3. I have tried EMDR, the WIM Hof method and practicing a lot of things of what science about being happy is.
Truth to be told. What you guys have written here also keeps me so much of wanting to continue and give it my best and try to beat this demon. So thank you thank you thank you.
William, your story reached me in a very close and personal place. I'm not usually one to cry but I cried listening to you describe how you felt, especially when the word "human" came up. Thank you so much for going on stream and even coming back to give an update. It's so hard to keep going, let alone try to get better. I still need to reflect on the session I just watched, but I just wanted to say I'm rooting for you.
Keep going man! Proud of you for how far you've come :)
We are all rooting for you bro, thank you for sharing your story and best wishes ❤️❤️
You'll get there man, hard as it is.
@@-S.L. thanks for sharing! I'll have a look on them!
gotta say I love that dr. K asks "can i collect my thoughts for a moment" etc., I've been to SO many therapists who don't communicate that well and it only leaves me wanting to run away from the office
What do they say instead?
@@arraikcruor6407 they say nothing and so we just sit in awkward silence and idk what they're thinking, are they thinking? judging me? I don't know why they're silent and it's killing me :)
@@rvsalka Wow that sounds really awkward.
@@rvsalka yes! And then I always asked myself "Do they want me to say something? Am I supposed to talk right now?"
@@joschistep3442 they actually do it to get you to talk too lol. as a client i hate it but as a psych student it’s actually something they teach us
I was so close to giving up today, but this video may have saved my life today. I too was raised by a narcissistic mother, and after her passing away, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. I often feel so lonely and misunderstood. My biological family does not believe me. I have an upcoming EMDR traject, but it is hard to experience hope.
Hey, I understand you. You aren't alone, there are many of us out here in the wild. I hope things get better for you. Healing is a long, long, journey. Best of luck 🤍
@@EqraKazi Thank you. Best of luck to you, too. ❤
Oof man good luck
@@darkelwin02 , Thank you, and good luck to you, too. It is sad and awesome at the same time, that videos like this one, exist.
Hope you are doing better now this is a year on! I'm the same, narc parents and cptsd (undiagnosed) and it's a tough ride. But again hope you are doing better now!
How courageous to do a psychiatric session for the world to watch. This guy is stronger than he knows, I think he will have success in his journey. Dr. K…amazing, great work.
Dr K is the best thing that happend to twitch and youtube!
One. At. A. Time. (It's a slow, but effective (I hope) process)
Helping out the more popular streamers sure does help, though :)
I kinda wish more psychiatrists/therapists would get into doing this type of stuff on Twitch :/
+Vishal Maraj You're making the false assumption that no other therapist/psychiatrist in the world plays video games in their off-time (so closed-minded :/) All I'm sayin' is "the more help we can get, the better (but hopefully, they do not intend on charging for these services, and just do it out of the kindness of their hearts, because people that work in these fields generally do not make a lot of money unless they have credentials like Dr. K does).
@@VSM101 having the option for more resources is always better for people who need help. Even if Doctor K is the best in your opinion, the second best could still help almost just as much as he could.
These people have every resource to get help... Best thing for YT and twitch? How? Shits dumb AF. Plenty of people out there that ACTUALLY need help... Doesn't pay the bills or make you feel as important though I guess.
he is probably the best thing that happened to the internet
This broke my heart. I hope this guy is learning compassion for himself and forgiveness, to heal that toxic shame and CPTSD.
Being raised by a narcissistic parent I felt and I feel all the things William did and I'm really glad Dr. K was able to help him and give people like him more insight into who they are. Thank you very much William and I hope you can start healing fully 🙏
Same! My mother wasn't as terrible to me as William's is to him, but I still got pretty deep scars from it, generalized anxiety disorder and anxiously avoidant personality disorder among them. The stream really was amazing and one of my favourites by far!
Ditto
I understand the way this guy feels too much. The world keeps beating you down every time you try to get out from under the water when you’re drowning. I wish him the best!
What a horrendous childhood to go through. Truly the fact that William has tried so hard to just keep living is amazing. I can relate to his experience but his hope is so beautiful and he’s become such a beautiful person that’s truly doing his best 💗💗
Still trying my best, thank you for your kind words! Every day is still a battle unfortunately!
@@Kensumariit is a battle. I also have CPTSD. It's so hard to recondition our brain and nervous system away from our trauma responses.
We have to keep putting in different healing repetitions to train our brain and body. You might like Patrick Teahan's channel. His dialoguing technique using dominant/non-dominant hand writing helps rewire the brain.
I also found I have to practice regulation skills to help keep myself in my window of tolerance and help expand it. Books by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana on polyvagal theory, regulation skills, and window of tolerance have helped me understand my nervous system better. (I find yoga helpful.)
I hope your healing repetitions go well.
Hurt so hard when you said your brother just told you "yeah it's d vitamin" when you opened up to him. I've felt that so many fucking times.
Or the question "How are you?" and either you tell how you actually feel or lie to make things not as awkward.
He specifically said that he was very vague when talking to his brother
He just said light things such as “I’m feeling kinda bad”
Hence why
I just wanna give him a hug man...
felt the same lol
Knowing that he's trying and seeing progress is giving me hope.
@@SocietyKilledTheUnicorn It's not the pain that kills you, it is the hope
@@redond8847 true, but hope in dark places can also be a guide
@@SocietyKilledTheUnicorn Very true, just be careful so it doesn't transfer to an expectation :)
Going through that from a young age and his intellect alone kept him alive this long is amazing.
Also big credit to his grandma which was his anchor to this world.
Without his grandma he would likely have no self of sense and probably recieve a diagnosis like schizophrenia and have been committed to a mental institution. His grandma really saved his person and his mind.
You are so right about his intellect carrying him through, that's what I used to survive my ptsd and emotional agony, using knowledge about the world to try to stay anchored to the world.
@@justaperson9155 That's a good observation, Justaperson - his suffering might have caused his entire mind and perception to collapse into schizophrenia in absence of the minimal sense of self he gained through the relationship with his grandma. This makes me wonder what has stopped me from going into psychosis / schizophrenia, as I have covert narcissistic mother, but no very strong ties to other family members, and thus my sense of self is minimal.
I've spent many years in a state of extreme dissociation, feeling like I do not exist, and I could almost certainly be diagnosed with having C-PTSD as a result of covert narcissistic mothering and weak fathering, and also moving house and school every two years due to my father's military career.
So I had no physical stability in my childhood, and no emotional stability either because my parents didn't value my existence and I kept having to say goodbye to my friends and home-towns, getting traumatised and grief-stricken again and again, while I never had any emotionally mature adult caregivers to guide me through my grief. The only adults around - my parents - wished I was more like my successful sister, crushing my sense of self even more.
So my sense of self is tiny, like a little piece of sweetcorn, but even a little piece of sweetcorn is something, and something is better than nothing! That little something may be what stopped me from going psychotic or schizophrenic.
That, and for some reason Spirit entered my life around the time my extreme dissociation came in. Spirit saved me and turned my dissocation into a spiritual awakening, helping me find my formless identity beyond and beneath, and even within all of my trauma. Now I can exist on the world of form and formless at the same time. Pretty miraculous that that happened to me. The world is full of miracles.
So unlike Will, who's intellect saved him, my spontaneous and inherent spirituality saved me from utter annhialation and consequently psychosis / schizophrenia. And why do I have inherent spirituality? I dunno, that's a very deep question I might have to reflect upon.
Thanks Justaperson and numanumame for inspiring these reflections, and obviously thank Dr. K and Will for the original video. Much love to all who read this
@@iNfliktionDubBass hey, thanks for sharing all this in the comment and i wish you all the best
I'm a mother to a 10 year old boy and I cannot imagine doing to him what William's mother has done.
I just want to hold William. I hope he gets to feel immense love at some point in his life.
I am also permanently damaged from an narcissistic parent. I found out about my PTSD a few years ago. But I too feel like I am only band aiding it instead of truly heal from it. I really felt the pain when I listened...i was almost about to watch something else. I am very emphatic and In this case I know exactly the feels. Its crushing! And people who never had it cant understand how severe of a debuff this is.
This interview really hit home. At the end of it, I hugged my laptop hoping it was sent through to William (pretty silly, I know).
I'm really glad you notice your well being and getting help.
And thank you William's grandma for being there for him.
I teared up reading this comment
How adorable 💖 Not silly at all. True empathy.
I know if he read your comment he would be very happy and appreciate this comment. These type of comments really give hope and make someone’s day.
The internet it such a blessing, so people can see things like this. It gives ne faith in humanity seeing responses to this video from people that have never even experienced abuse. These narcissistic people cannot be pleased no matter what you do. Im old and nobody talked about stuff like this when I was young, you just learned you had to keep your mouth shut and turn your emotions off. Expecting anyone to have empathy for you, and if you complained your life would just be much worse. There was no mental health care. Suck it up buttercup. Im so glad to see he is getting help. He deserves a wonderful life.
This one really hit home for me. My mother and father are both narcissists and did very similar things to me throughout my childhood. It really hit when he said, "I'm surprised you're still alive"
This young man looks and sounds like me. In his answers, his posture, his voice. I can completely relate. I can feel his tension. I too feel like an alien, that I never belonged in the world. But looking at him I'm thinking, I don't want to think like that about him. He's a fine smart young man, why would we want to cast him away. Dr K is very perceptive. Feeling like a ghost is exactly it. Staying in the lobby forever is exactly it.
I have a narcassist parent too, I think being foreign or from a different culture hides a lot of this.
yes... the culture defends and normalizes abuse.
I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD in 2008 because of a lifetime of childhood abuse from my mother, and domestic abuse for years after that. I was told that if I heal 40-50% of it, I'd be in a better place, but to not give up if I don't.
At 60 years old, I can say without a doubt that I've healed from it all 10 years ago!
I figured out instinctively that I had to heal more than the mind because I knew what was broken in me. I did a lot of research on the various diagnoses I had - C+ PTSD, Agoraphobia, Anxiety attacks, Severe Depression ... the list goes on.
Every trigger that brought all of these symptoms - a hell to live through daily - has completely stopped getting me sick.
It's doable! Trust in your capacity to heal. Trust in your inner self - that light that wants to shine - WILL SHINE.
Best of luck, and you can do this!
How did you get better??
Thanks for sharing
@Love09Iry I will come back to respond to this. It's an elaborate answer, and it's bed time here.
This was another beautiful interview. Dr. K is helping me navigate through my 20s immensely. I'm so glad his channel exists.
You from ro, mate?
Man I can't imagine what it's like growing up like that. Stay strong bro.
Oh, i've grown up worse than that. Like all types of abuse and shit like that. And people are telling me that it's okay cause it made me stronger. I was a child I didn't needed to be stronger
@@CreativeKidzDuo that sounds so similiar to me ... if you ever feel like chatting dude, im down ;)
@@Bibituu thanks man, yeah sure we can chat. Maybe it will help you too to talk with someone with similar experiences
It's a nightmare that makes you distrust everyone even when you want to trust
@@flipndip5122 exactly....people don't get that having a parent so abusive and neglectful destroys your ability to actually trust people at all because you're self worth is in the trashcan, and you're waiting for them to leave you.
I don't know if William will ever see this, but I just wanted to say to him I related exactly to his childhood story and hopefully be an example of something that might give a bit of hope. Only in my case it was my crappy dad, and he picked on me as the older sibling instead of my brother. I too went through the yelling, the constant shaming and insults, and all the different methods of trying to reduce my pain by appeasing my dad all through my life. To top it off I then went straight from an abusive father into abusive relationships. And I couldn't kick that problem for nearly a decade after I moved out of my parent's house in the first place.
I too ended up with C-PTSD from childhood memories and memories of physical assault from my own partners. And I too spent years going in and out of therapy, wondering if I was ever going to be able to escape the endless re-living of the worst moments of my life. One of my exes was big into supersticions and said he was going to curse me and all sorts of other shit, but for a long time it really felt to me like he was haunting me just because I couldn't get rid of him from my brain.
I attended long term EMDR therapy for PTSD, where I went around addressing issues with that ex and issues from my childhood. For a long time I really didn't feel like I could make it, because I felt just trapped in the same memories and I was just so sick of being in that place. Eventually, after nearly two years of work, I actually managed to change a memory I'd been living through in my head. Like I can't explain how much of a breakthrough that was, because never before had I ever be able to not play it through exactly as it had been every single damn time I'd seen it (probably hundreds of thousands of time by that point). And suddenly I could change the outcome in my head so that I could walk out, or fight back, or even watch my ex get sucked into a black hole or just anything so that the memory was different. And from there, the multiple other memories that had been plauging me, I could change them too. And then the memories stopped making me cry, or in worst cases actually start screaming, and went to just at most, leaving me a bit on edge.
And then you know, suddenly I was changing my life as well. Now I could actually start thinking about what I wanted, not what I thought I had to be. And then I started being able to finally seperate myself properly from my toxic dad, address some of my addiction to being in relationships, and eventually to for the first time being geniunely able to trust what my friends were saying to me (I was so used to people turning on me I just couldn't allow myself to really trust that people wanted me around until then).
So I guess although as Dr. K says, it's hard to hope when you've been through so much crap, I just wanted to say that I am an example of someone where my flashbacks are now nearly all gone, and my life is just completely different to how it used to be before. I still get moments where I doubt myself and so on, but compared to how it used to be when I was locked in depression for years at a time, and a bad mood would leave me mentally defeated for weeks, now it's just so much more manageable. I feel like I'm finally living my life after all this time. And I hope some day you feel like that too.
If anyone is interested in some background about PTSD and C-PTSD, I can recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It definitely has a lot of anecdotal stories which could trigger a wide range of people, but I was hooked from start to finish because it goes deeply into reasons why it starts in the first place and also a wide range of possible solutions, some of which don't involve therapy at all. I've also been looking into "The Rewind Method", which I was thinking of trying for the very last remnants of my problems, and this is something that research has said has had very good results in as little as 6 sessions (which would certainly be faster and thus cheaper than EMDR). An important thing to remember with PTSD is that often it is not helpful to actually talk explictly about your memories that trigger you, as your brain treats the memories as if you are directly re-living them, so by talking through a painful memory without a therapist or method to help distance you from the memory, you will likely just re-traumatise yourself. Both EMDR and the Rewind Method involve methods to keep you actually in the present instead of getting lost in your memory again, and this is important for your brain to process your memory into an actual "distant" memory, instead of processing it as if you're actually living through it again.
TLDR: I went through a lot of similar crap to William and also ended up with C-PTSD, but through a lot of EMDR therapy and self-reflection I managed to get to a point where my memories no longer trigger me. In the paragraph above I recommended a book and talked about a method that might be worth a try if you are suffering from traumatic memories. I also warned at the end that often PTSD needs specific therapies like EMDR or The Rewind Method to be treated effectively instead of talking therapies and explained briefly why.
Strong stuff !
Thank you for this comment.
I did see it, thank you for sharing
@@Kensumari If you ever wanna talk bro lemme know, I am in the same situation, but seem to be 'stuck' especially figuring out my future, bouncing off ideas would be cool!
@@Kensumari It's no problem, I hope it helped. Really rooting for you, you seem like a good guy and I sincerely hope that things get better for you.
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD a few years ago (I'm 40 now) and it was a combination of mental and emotional abuse from childhood, and even more severe abuse after I became an adult.
I can relate to the pauses and stuttering that people do when telling their stories. It's REALLY HARD to get it out. Thank you Healthy Gamer!
It all sounds awfully familiar. Even those slighty helping attempts to "fix" everything. This endless search for the final puzzle piece is really draining.
Thanks Dr. K for being there for us!
"People say you're a bad person to erase the bad things they have said to your face"
Where was this from? Timestamp?
1:14:34 is when Dr K starts making a chart and explaining specific solutions to specific layers, I found this helpful
11 hours in same bro! 😂😂
xboxfullauto1000 oh shit my bad LMAO
Panchakosha is the name of the system Dr. K talks about, for anyone curious. From Wikipedia: "The layers of body that seemingly cover the Atman." This was incredibly helpful to me. Thank you!
Incredibly helpful!
The more i watch this community interviews the more that I remember that I'm not alone in this.
AOE Healing bro
I'm only 20mins in and I have to click away because it's too relatable,it's actually really sad hearing this coming out of someone else's mouth..I hope I remember to come back to this another time
Did you ever get around to being ready to watch this? :)
I definitely relate to having your body refusing to die... the moment I realized what I was about to do, it's like the movie of the entire history of life on earth played in a flash in my mind and suddenly killing myself was not an option anymore... Whenever I'm in extreme distress, that's what brings me back without a miss.
I have Autism and I’m a visual thinker. I really appreciate the “map” you’ve laid out. Its really hard to heal if you are blindly trying different things and can’t tell if you’re doing it right or what else can be done. This diagram helps me see the whole picture and where I might be missing in my work to heal. Thank you so much.
Well said!
I never see discussions surrounding CPTSD. Honestly I didn't know what it was until finding it on the internet years later. I was put into foster care at 16 because my therapist reported my mom to CPS. Ever since I've been struggling to understand myself and have felt broken and can't fully relate to others. Thank you for covering this topic.
Are you sure it didn't start when your mom was abusing or neglecting you enough to be worth reporting to CPS and the things leading you to need to be in therapy at age 16. I doubt it started at age 16 with the foster care...
@VioletEmerald I was vaguely aware I was experiencing abuse but my Mom was in my head at the time so I questioned if I was a bad kid or if she took things to far. Ultimately my parents left me at a rest stop at 16 and that's the event that led to me being put into foster care. You're right, things did start before then, but I didn't fully recognize it as abuse until the system stepped in to be honest
I have a narcissistic sister. She controls the house with her judgement, leaves her bedroom door open so I can't talk to my mam without being monitored, she has a room to her own and a personal office and I have to share my bedroom with my brother.
I'm so sick of the various complications in my home that I haven't talked to anyone in the last 2 months. And the saddest thing is my emotions haven't been this level in a long time. Especially thanks to Dr K.
Sorry to hear about such a cruddy situation. How are things going lately?
I feel you, CPTSD here too. So sorry for the abuse you lived with. Me too, I try my hardest to see others living in hell and show them at least some love and compassion because I know, others that saw me and stepped up even in little ways basically saved me. Live strong in love and memory of your grandma.
I've been binging on your videos the past 3 months. I struggle with C-PTSD. Thank you so much for this content.
Same.
I struggle too; so helpful!
You are a genius! Why are more people not exposed to this understanding of the human being? Why are more people not exposed to an understanding of what meditation is, and what it's intended purpose is, beyond just sitting still and trying to not attach to any of your thoughts. If more people got in touch with themselves through this method the world would be a lot better place and there would be a lot less suffering. Thank you so so much for posting this educational and inspirational content on RUclips and for being an amazing teacher!
I also want to say thank you William for being brave enough to share your story and experiences with us. I have been going through similar difficulties for a long time. I got so much inspiration and hope from this video. More than just hope I also now have a roadmap and guide for how to heal myself.
HealthyGamerGG, I cannot thank you enough for this content. Keep being amazing and creating amazing content like this. Also, William, best of luck to you to you! You seem like a genuinely sweet, smart young man and I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your sweet words, I wish your journey the best!
Thank you so much for this video, I had given up. None of the clinical and spiritual help I pursued was working almost like I was in a plateau. I literally ran out of reasons to keep going, nothing mattered. I'm not even an hour into the video and the contents of it have given me hope again, that I can want to live. It's almost like I've been waiting the entirety of my 23 years of living just to hear some of the things said so far.
Like that I'm allowed to exist and the disassociative feeling of being a ghost. Honestly just the recognition of these things without the applicable ways to correct them have given me so much hope and validation that things can actually be better and that it's not that far away.
As of right now I firmly believe you saved my life.
I'm lost of words, thank you! I was asked to do this public or not too, thought it could help others. I'm glad that I could be "useful" in some way at least :O. I actually think these things needs to address so much more in this world. It's like you're saying, really hard to find materials about it.
I am so glad I clicked on this video. Thank you William for being so vulnerable. I feel like my story parallels yours a lot. I've too been diagnosed with C-PTSD and been doing treatments and all but nothing seems to help. I know exactly what you mean by "feeling heavy". It's so exhausting. Thank you Dr. K for the amazing analyst.
Feels nice to know that I'm not alone in this. Thank you!
He seems like such a sweet and wholesome and amazing person. I really hope he will come to realize this is true eventually and be able to perceive himself as such. Virtually sending him and all of you all the hugs in the world. It's been such and inspiring story and experience and OMG, they really came to such relevant conclusions.
I grew up in a similarly abusive situation and "finding puzzle pieces" is such a bad headspace to be in. When I was growing up I became *obsessed* with those Puzzle pieces
Can you explain what you mean by that?
@@alexfranklin2898 BY reliving (remembering) horrible memories to try and figure out why you were abused and why it happened why the person would do that. it could make you feel like you deserve the abuse or sympathize for the abuser and feel like what they did was justified. or cause more rage or negative emotions by basically worsening your PTSD trying to figure out your ptsd by being in it and reliving it.
@@alexfranklin2898 I would also like to hear more about this as someone who’s currently obsessed with finding those puzzle pieces and can’t seem to break the thought loops
@@Gyrae so as someone who had a emotionally abusive parent, these puzzle pieces are “imaginary ideas” these pieces are the LOGIC you are looking for. But there is absolutely NO LOGIC in abuse. It is pure emotional rationality that causes the beast within us to do such atrocious acts to others.
At the end of the day. The abuser (in my case it was my mom) was hurting and she took it out on me. As I grew older and went to therapy. You realize that it was their problem and not your own. You were NOT RESPONSIBLE for others actions. It took years of pain to realize this.
@@uberhaxonova thanks for the response!
God damn, Dr. K, thank you for this. It's possible you may never understand how FUCKING IMPORTANT you are. Anad thank you for your guests for having the courage to do this.
This guy. Its a sad story I heavily relate with. Real brave of him to share. I live in a different country speak a different language, but interestingly I talk the same way. Analytical. Pauses and trailing off at the end of a sentence, when I talk to a therapist. Feeling lonely and fake at friends, also very relatable. Also super relatable feeling better during a relationship. Whether its a healthy one or not all that attention just feels great, finally opening our eyes how bad we were feeling.
1:08:20 This book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker has helped me immensely.
I was hoping someone had mentioned this! Such a good book! Plus his 'Tao Of Fully Feeling', expanding on the grieving process.
I'm going through a lot of anxiety right now and I'm so glad there's a channel like this. Thanks Dr. K
Thank you so much, William, for sharing this incredible mind-walk. It's hard to overstate how valuable this video was for me.
Meditation was what made me want to get treatment for my CPTSD, because it did exactly what Dr. K is hoping it might for William. I was part of a Soto Zen temple/sangha for a year or so, found some relief in trauma work with a therapist, and then my practice sort of fell off. It's been on and off, and I've lost that home base.
So I would periodically try a new approach, and for the first few times, it's incredibly eye-opening. And then it becomes harder and harder to connect. The novelty makes it easier to be present, I guess.
I can relate to losing hope, and it's really good to hear Dr. K say that it's reasonable to lose hope when the treatments you're trying don't address the type of issue you're dealing with. I gave up on the spiritual piece and just went for the emotional in therapy, and have been losing hope as that's not working.
I did the exercise at the end along with the video, and I had the same reactions William did. And everything that came before in the video came together. I was amazed to find that when I did the half-lotus bit with the mudra, and asked myself, "Does this person deserve to live?" the answer was yes. Holy shit. And it was such a gentle yes, like "yes, of course."
Metta can be hard, because it can feel grandiose and almost manipulative when I really feel like a piece of shit that shouldn't exist. But body scans alone weren't helpful either, except to fall asleep. This brought it all together.
William, I'm with you, brother. The hope will wax and wane, but I hope interactions and moments of inspirations carry you to the next step. 💙
Thank you really for your kind words, I'm glad it can also help others and you actually are helping me too by writing these nice things. I come here times to times to see if people tell their stories and see if they manage to overcome their cptsd, I'm unfortunately still struggling, but reading that people are overcoming it really gives me a huge boost.
Wow. I finally feel compassion for myself after hearing my story from someone else. I can't believe either of us made it. The part about slamming his head against the wall was what got through to me.
I wish you more and more healing
The moment he starts to cry I can't hold back my tears as well. This guy's story breaks my heart
Wow so glad to have something to watch here that refers to C-PTSD! You are a fucking champion William, i believe in you we can do this!
This is gonna be the loongest fucking post on youtube ever so creds to those who stick through with it. I will list my discoveries in a list later down for TLDR. Anyway these are some of my experiences and ways of trying to deal with c-ptsd.
First of all my c-ptsd got caused by my mom who have narcissistic/borderline traits and father with codependent traits. So the weird and insidious thing with this is that in my case it was not at all that severe(compared to William), it could be quite subtle so it took me until i was around 20 to realize i was being abused and i didn't took it that seriously. Then it took me around 5 years to realize just how severely this "small" abuse had fucked me up and another 5 years to ask for help because I thought objectively because there are other people who have it way worse, who am i to complain. Because i was brainwashed to belive my only purpose in life was to essentially perform and do exactly as the narcissist(and other people) said to me, my small intact self that i had left evaporated when i asked for help. The reason for my existence was to help other people and do as they said, not to ask for help. I experienced huge shame that was almost unbearable by just reaching out and asking for help but i finally did and i am glad i did. This might be a bit exaggerated but the closest i can come to describing the situation is that being raised by a person with these traits probably feels just like being brainwashed in an internment camp for political prisoners. Forget building a healthy ego or an even sense of self. In my case my dad abandoned me when i asked for help and he ignored me so the betrayal was two fold and i got addicted to video games and porn to numb out.
My experience with CBT therapy:
I started CBT therapy the first time i asked for help and just being listened to helped a bit and staying in the shame and guilt for telling on my abuser made overall shame decrease a bit. I couldn't really follow through with this though to get long lasting effects and i got back to my old habits and eventually started to feel WAY worse because i came into contact with my inner critic for the first time(didn't understand what this was at all until later) and the emotions i started feeling were so intense and impossible to stay in so i couldn't stick with it(i even stopped video games/porn during this period but couldn't keep it eventually). I later found out a probable reason to why CBT didn't really work for me when i read what pete walker writes in his book Complex-PTSD from surviving to thriving: "in my experience until the fight response(the ability to get angry) is restored cptsd clients benefit little from CBT, psychodynamic or mindfulness techniques that encourage us to accept the critic". I find this to be 100% true.
My experience with wim hof breathing and ice baths:
Sometime after CBT therapy i went to a seminar with wim hof instructors in my hometown, heard a lot of people got better from their depressions/mental disorders when watching online testimonials. The breathing excercises made me come into contact with a lot of stuck emotions in my body and the ice baths amplified this effect like 1000 times. Anger is not a word that can really describe what i felt like. Murdering baby seals or eating newly born toddlers would probably be a happy fantasy when i was in that state. Would also get sad and cry for the first time in maybe 15 years. The anger increased my energy levels around 100 times. I remember it was quite close to my home and during the lunch breaks i could sprint on my bike going 1000% times faster going up a slope that would normally kill me half way without even getting close to tired and i got weird sensations like a hot volcano erupting at the base of my spine and shooting up to the head and it felt like hot steam was blowing out through my eyes(i think this was related to stuck anger and/or "kundalini syndrome"). but eventually i started to lose contact with the anger and would go back to feeling drained and tired and incredibly depressed/apathetic i would get a lot of strange symptoms and incredible pains and aches in my body and i would feel like things were stuck. I did loads of research and managed to get a hold of the following books called the mindbody prescription by John Sarno, Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving and John Bradshaws excellent book: healing the shame that binds you because i wanted to figure out more what had happened to me and i finally did.
My experience with regular "talk therapy", which i am still going to right now.
After the effects from the wim hof seminar subsided and i had read the books i started going to a regular "talk therapist" via my socialised healthcare provider. I thought it to be a good idea to try the methods listed in the books(mainly C-PTSD one) and to have someone professional to talk to while doing this. It feels quite lonely and disconnected having to talk to a detached therapist just listening to you talking and asking you questions but at least he listens. Also my therapist seems reluctant to give me any advice whatsoever except to "stay in the feelings", and he doesn't seem to be familiar with doing "body work" or the concept of trauma or c-ptsd that i had read about. He was also disagreeing when i told him i was emoting out my anger. According to him you should learn to stay in the emotion and never acting on it even though it meant hitting an inanimate object because if you acted on it eventually you might hurt other people. I find this notion to be quite stupid and tried to point out that it was sort of an emergency solution by me and a step by step approach to even allow myself to be angry because that emotion had been forbidden for me. My goal was to in the end be able to just sit with the emotion but he did not seem to understand at all where i was coming from. I would very much like to have a therapist that is well versed in body work and also the trauma side of things but at least he listens and seems to be good enough.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TLDR C-PTSD RELIEF info
I am by no means completely free from this but the things that have worked for me to get in contact with stuck emotions and C-PTSD RELIEF are the following:
1. Buy Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving and read chapters on a regular basis, identify your 4F responses flight/freeze in my case. Follow the tips and instructions. ESPECIALLY 8, 9, 10, 11.
2. emotion journaling,. Put words on what you are feeling in your body and the emotion you think it corresponds to. Read them out loud. "i feel like this in my body, i think it is this emotion and i accept it without shame especially not from what i have been through" Eventually you are going to get better at identifying the emotion and also staying with the emotion and what you are emotionally flashing back to. It gives hope when you can track your progress. I didn't think i had progressed until i read my journal and realized i stayed in a horrible state of apathetic abandonment depression that turned into active suicide fantasies for a few days without resorting to porn, video games or other distractions or dissociative day dreams. Finally snapped out of it when i started to cry while reading some bits in the complex PTSD book that made me understand how abandoned i had been.
3. wim hof breathing + ice baths.
4. TRE excercises. traumaprevention.com/
These are AMAZINGLY POWERFUL. Maybe a bit too powerful. Be careful, don't overdo them in the beginning, find an instructor first if possible.
5. "normal" meditation. although for me very hard until i started wim hof/TRE excercises.
6. talk therapy, although i am disappointed in the experiences i have had because they didn't seem to know very much about trauma i still think it is very worth just talking to someone good enough that will just listen to what you have been through and just daring to ask for help is a huge thing. Just meeting with someone at a regular basis that listens to you gives hope, for me at least. I can't help thinking that there are probably better therapy alternatives for C-PTSD relief compared to socially funded mainstream psychological care in sweden (that in my case offers talk therapy, or CBT) but i don't know of any. Except Dr K obviously ;)
First of all thanks for posting this publicly. May I ask if you took medication and whether it helped or not? Kind Regards
@@AS-ly8tr hey, thanks for taking the time to read the post. Actually i have refused to take medication so far. Have been skeptical about medication and i got even more skeptical after i laid out all my troubles in detail and explained what had happened to me. Got told by the doctor (and i think also psychoterapeut) that i should start with medication right away just after the first visit, because i probably had a "low baseline", and that the meds were gonna help me get through therapy easier. I asked how that worked and they didn't really give me any coherent answer so i refused. I don't know why they try pushing meds so soon without really understanding a persons situation and taking in their story completely, boggles my mind. I also spoke with a friend who had the same experience, got told the exact same thing about having a default "low baseline" and should start with meds right away.
I could also function in the regard that i could get up in the morning and do my routines/chores at home. I also knew quite intimately what my problems were and didn't really see how medication could be of help. Also read some stuff from people that had dealt with C-PTSD and claimed that when they laid off the drugs, their symptoms came back even worse cause the drugs just hid the symptoms, also some side effects didn't really seem to be that fun. Maybe if i would be so broken that i would lie in bed for 16+ hours a day before i could get up i would consider medication. TRE-excercises, yoga, physical release work seem to work fine.
i suppose some people really get help from meds tho in that they can even start to try to get their life in order and get out of bed. Of course it is great if they accomplish that. but in my case, didn't really see why i should take em.
@@jake_with_the_BIG_snake taking meds is like gambling. Some people get major improvements some end up worse unfortunately. Take care 👍
I also struggle with cPTSD and have made a lot of progress with CBT, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m starting to plateau in my healing and have been feeling more hopeless about when the painful memories and feelings from my childhood will finally stop haunting me. After seeing this video, I also feel hopeful again after realizing that I need to do more spiritual healing too, and it feels good to see actionable steps I can take to feel like I deserve to exist.
I’m excited to see how trying out that meditation will work out for me and my journey to healing.
Thank you Dr. K and William for making this awesome video!! I hope you continue to make progress on your healing too 😊
How has it gone in your end? Curious to hear and thank you :).
I am still watching the video as I make this comment. I wanted to say that I relate so much to you. Your pain, the abuse, how naracsisstic my mom was, and how I was close to my grandmother. How I took the brunt of the abuse, and how my sibling suffered as well. Very complex *hugs*
This stream was really something else man. I could relate to the guy so much.
hey wanna talk about it. text me at @jk3k_5535 on insta
The 5 sheaths is the answer I've needed since late 2018. Thank you so much Dr.K and William
Agreed, that part was super interesting. I think it definitely is the objective truth out there.
@@Kensumari for sure. Even in CBT things such as tracking sleep and exercise and downtime are important. Thanks for your reply William, hope you have a great day!
Wow. I can relate so much with William. I wanna give him a big hug. He’s such an amazing person.
This is still one of your best videos!
Idk how to express everything I've learned from this channel and how to thank the people behind it but thanks. The whole killing your body thing stood out with the whole wanting to die, having every reason in the world to do so but something inside not letting you and the cheat code for it is to just keep doing the same detrimental shit until it withers you way. Imma try to stop.
I have over 15 years of therapy and psychiatry that I’ve gone through along with 3 hospitalizations and I’ve always felt more and more helpless after each and every one and have a very dismal view on the mental health system as a whole. I always intellectually knew there was more to my healing then the basics && I knew it’ll take some “work” on my part as well. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and major depressive disorder. This was so informative and summarized all of the learnings I’ve gained so far on my journey.
Thankyou & Namaste 🙏🏽
I can relate to this so much, I feel so sad and yet strangely happy to know I'm not the only one with these experiences and feelings. I hope you are doing better now and found your reason to live.
Still struggling but thanks for the kind words!
Yeah it's great when you realise you're not the only one... I've found the book ''Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving'' super helpful generally, but specifically in that regard, too. Like a lightbulb going off.
This is powerful interview I've been abused and witnessed my mom being abused by other men i still struggle with processing my emotions but watching these really help me feel not being alone
I relate to his experiences and share many of his coping mechanisms. The solution forward for me has been to grieve the loss of childhood. There’s an element of irreparable tragedy to it. It’s similar to accepting when your body has been horribly injured. It will take a long time to heal from a broken leg and you may always have a limp, but if your nervous system has sufficiently processed the trauma and you’ve properly grieved your losses you eventually gain the capacity to feel gratitude for the ability to walk again. You also often develop a profound depth of character and capacity for tremendous empathy through the recovery process. He’s probably got many years ahead of him of relearning how to be a person and feeling overwhelmed and heartbroken as the layers of abuse and their horrific effects continue to reveal themselves, but he seems like a really high quality person with a thoughtful reflectivity that will probably serve him well along the way
I agree, I screeched ^_^.
Like what!!!! I RESONATE WITH YOU AND THIS INTERVIEW SO MUCH😂. I am just cackling right now hahaha LOL. Like grieving childhood, reparenting, grounding meditation, and reflecting on both present and past helped me, like you so much. We're awesome🎉
I know this was two years ago, but this really helped me. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, and hearing him explain how he feels is very validating. Helps me believe myself instead if immediately invalidating, just like he said. We help each other 💙
Thank you so much for doing this Dr. K and William. I had basically the exact same childhood experience and as someone currently in high school, it gives me hope knowing that you are still alive and made it through to be an adult. This interview truly helped me so much and I can't thank you enough for sharing your story.
To Dr: Thank you for creating this channel and having these conversations. I ended up with a notepad trying to organize my own treatment progress and recognize which of my sheathes are strong/weak. Excited to bring up my realizations in my next session.
To William: thank you for the courage to be on this page and share so much about yourself. I hope knowing that you participating in this to help yourself is also helping others (like myself) who share the ctpsd diagnosis. Your presence, your existence made a positive impact on me!
This resonates so clearly for me
I keep coming back to this video to refresh myself on necessary steps
I’ve been in a cycle of expensive and slow responses to crisis points in my life - I live in the U.K. and although healthcare is free it is also very dysfunctional and therapy is expensive on top of prescription charges
I finally decided to look closely and try to work through my problems with living, and improve my mental and physical health and since that first step slowly things have fallen apart at an accelerated rate
Currently, I do not have access to my daughter because I tried to kill myself and the aftermath made me unfit to be a parent in the eyes of the rest of her family as well as the local governmental bodies
I was discharged with “substance abuse” from the hospital and had to seek help independently after that
My closest friends have distanced themselves from me, my trauma is family orientated and so there isn’t any one to turn to safely there and as I do not have a clear diagnosis or structure from healthcare team my employment is constantly part of the management - as in, I have to be very careful not to lose my livelihood and income
It just never seems to end
I present myself with ill health, although I try to hide it, it is sometimes obvious in my behaviours and outlook and people either get bored, turn away or internalise it and resent me
Dispute the fact that I always try to do no harm, and never take my problems with living out on others
As a result of this I am viewed as pathetic, self loathing and selfish
As in, to be gentle with others despite it all somehow undermines my case
I am lost and over medicated
It is so difficult
I understand why people give up
The part about having something within that wants to live MORE than wanting to die DESPITE all the reasons to give up really spoke to me.. thank you Dr. K 😢
28:36 - Him: "I'm 29"
Me, thinking he was in his early 20s at best: :0
52:15 when he said ghost i was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
my heart jumped it was like he said my name very prominently
we are but a shell of a human and we do not exist because our existence doesn't make any sense
this whole video offers unbelievable amounts of comfort
I'm so impressed with his ability with the meditation. Dr. K seemed excited too.
Literally everything in this video is on point. I recently had an episode due to accumulated stress. One of my younger brothers had a graduation from college and my family was going to see him, but did not bother to tell me that's what it was, so I didn't want to go. I took the time while everyone was away to do house cleaning, since I do the most of it anyway, but to also vent my frustrations on my own.
I thought I had gotten out all that I was frustrated about but next day I still felt that stress lingering. All I wanted to do at that point was to suppress it with fresh air and some grocery shopping, but my step dad kept trying to talk with me about it when all I wanted was to push out my anger steadily. Instead we got into a yelling match briefly and it ended with him telling me to F off and move away, only making my mood worse.
My relationship with my family hasn't been that good for the majority of my life, to the point that I might as well be an unwanted orphan. It constantly drains me mentally and emotionally just thinking on it and watching and listening to all my other siblings get all the love and attention.
Having Autism can be both good and bad, it just how you utilize it and have the support of people to help you through your hardships. It's disastrously depressing when you don't have it.
When I saw the stream (where he called in) I was hoping intensely William would agree to do a full public interview. I'm so thankful he decided to do so!
also being halfway through, William is one of the most likable people I've ever seen on the streams.
@@leiasart4610 You are far too kind. Thank you!
@@Kensumari Ahh only seeing this now! I gotta thank you! :) Also got the Pete Walker book and it's making me feel all the things
Holy shit William. Please feel free to send a message whenever you need some compassion and can't find any from yourself.
Your spirit here is so strong.
Thank you for sharing it.
33:07 "Can I collect my thoughts for a moment?"... What a disappointment, I was ready for "can I think for a second"
haha, that phrase is gonna be iconic once HealthyGamer becomes even more successful
@@leiasart4610 it already is, my friend.
he said it later, let me think about that for a second :P
He´s evolving
I'm so sorry you had such. a horrible mom. That's so heartbreaking. I grew up with a narc mom too it's awful. You come across like such a sweet person. I hope you get the love and support in life you deserve. I hope you are able to give to yourself too.
What a great guy, so honest and open. Love this interview.
Hearing your story right now is helping me through a nightmare. I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD and it's also from my narcissistic mother. It helps to hear you vocalize so many of the same feelings and fears that I remember, especially the hyper-vigilance. My moms footsteps felt like terror was on the way. I was shamed and isolated to the point that I was worried what people would think of her if I committed suicide. She worked at the elementary school I went to and very early on I learned that any personal feelings or embarrassing moments i shared with her would not be kept between us, but would instead be loudly laughed about in the hallways where my classmates would hear and then mock me. I've always been skinny and a common joke is that I have such a fast metabolism, and she would always say "I swear I'm feeding him." when people would notice and it would be a big laugh. I'm 30 years old now and two weeks ago in therapy I realized that I don't have a fast metabolism, she just never fed me breakfast before school, and after school would usually run errands or walk the school track and make me stay in the car. Since then I've always been proud that I'm really good at being hungry, since I can easily push past my hunger and get a 'second wind' or even a third, but I think that's defined as an eating disorder. I am struggling so hard with accepting it all happened and that I haven't just been spoiled this whole time. Theres so much more and your story is helping me feel heard!
this misdirected treatment thing is very validated. I wasted years in therapy getting nearly nowhere.. Also have a narc mom who I cut off 7-8 years ago.
Twenty something minutes in and I'm crying. I really feel for William because I had to be hypervigilant as a child just like him.and when he started to cry I did. 🥺 :'(
Ugh. I remember being mortified when I heard the door slam because it meant my father got home. I still cringe to this day when a door is closed loudly. Coming home and being on guard when I saw his shoes. Feeling sick when I saw his car in the driveway. To this day he makes my skin crawl. Childhood abuse stick with you and it’s fucking horrifying.
@@violetly_ for the longest time the sound of sandals shuffling down a hallway triggered the hell out of me because hearing my mother's footsteps looming down the hall meant she was going to burst through the door in a violent rage and I was about to be hit or beaten.
:(
I'm 27 and I'm happy to say that the sound no longer affects me. 🖤 Slamming doors are still a work in progress , but that one is more understandable for people .
I'm very sorry to hear that you also relate to this. 🥺🖤
Thanks Dr K, I don’t know how many points in my life that I’ve stopped caring about dying. I’m not sure why I don’t want to die, as I don’t feel any reason that I would want to live, other than the feeling that I have the potential for success, and there’s another part of me that’s the slightest bit stronger that wants to be rich enough to have a house big enough to look down on everyone that has wronged me in life. I don’t feel any hope, I’m feeling even worse off since I stopped smoking weed, but I’m still alive so I feel that I may have the potential to do something great in this world. I haven’t finished this video yet, but I know I won’t click off and I am listening to every word each of you say with nearly my full attention, instead of listening to every car that drives by and panicking if they stop near my house or drive really fast. I’ve liked less than 500 videos all up in the 5+ years that I’ve had this account for, and this video is one of them. Thanks again, it means more than the world to me to have seen this, it means my sanity and sense of purpose too. I’m lucky enough to be an Aussie and I’m currently on the waiting list to see a psychologist and dietitian (177 cm tall and 67kg on a good day), and these videos give me a lot of insight into things I can do in the mean time, and not quite a sense of belonging, but a sense of not being alone in this.
May I ask why you stop smoking weed?
I didn't realize my mom, sis, and many of my exes were narcissists until I dated a schizophrenic psychopath. His sadistic torture was like a giant flashback to being the family scapegoat.
Wow. Same.. except it was my mom & brother. But I dated a guy with schizophrenia and had the same realization... pure evil. :(
@@dilemmablue2494 I thought schizophrenia was about paranoia and even hallucinations but the person isn't less empathetic or less kind or anything... I am confused how the schizophrenia is relevant. I've met some people with schizophrenia and they may have trauma and struggles but they didn't seem at all similar to my narcissistic mother and relatives...
I feel for this guy, thanks Dr.K for talking to him
It's so interesting how seemingly everyone else is - or a very high percentage of people are - suicidal when going through trauma like this and yet my story is sorta remarkably similar to his and I've never once felt suicidal. I've been drawn to other traumatized people in my life and been super close to like at least 6 suicidal people and 2 suicide deaths plus some attempts from others have further traumatized me and made me wonder a lot about suicide. I wonder why i have no suicide gene or something. I can feel despair and other emotions at their most intense but never want to die..
Has to do with your role in the family dynamic. People who go through narcissistic abuse in a family, supposedly the “scapegoats” are usually more resilient and mentally strong, and I have to say I also have defo never thought about suicide.
@@maximusthegoat8034Interesting thought. Hmm.
Looks like the algorithm finally found out that all my issues are related to C-PTSD at the core
The shame runs deep, glad to have a direction to my spiritual journey again
You do not know how much this help means to guys with diagnosed severe mental health issues. Thank you
Sometimes I don't know if I love someone or I'm just desperate and afraid of being alone
The illustration of levels/koshas is super helpful and much more granular than the biopsychosocial model. Pretty sure similar models exists in other spiritual systems like levels of the soul, but Dr. K busting out that hard earned med school diagramming skills really put in perspective.
This also explains iotorgenic harm of going through mental healthcare system for issues with root spritual/emotional causes.
Right? So incredibly helpful. This is like the roadmap I needed to ubderstand this stuff better! I totally agree with you
Bro I am really happy you are alive and well. I hope all the best things for you in life. Just this video shows you have so much value for the world. Tc and carry on the great work
Thank you Dr. K and William for putting your session and vulnerabilities out there. As a person living with complex PTSD and dissociation, many parts of your session resonated with me.
Listening to Dr. K’s approach and (tried to) follow his thinking as a distant observer, it unfolded some positive elements to me. Even though I relate more to William’s negative and unfortunate experiences.
The interview was extremely insightful Your conversations brought some healing components to me. I know I’m not the only one who benefited from your session.
All the best to you both, Dr. K and William!
Loved this conversation. So helpful and relateable. Thank you💖🇸🇪
The five levels are such a cool concept. It seemed like a character profile, like your atributtes, right? And it feels like checking and improving these atributtes could be very motivating, in the vein of the Healthy Gamer: if you have clear objectives (quests) and those have requirements (atribute points), it would be easier to understand the scope of the issue and how to better improve those atributes. Just some ideas for the implementation of it, it could be really useful for a lot of people that have complex issues (pretty much everyone, I'm guessing...)
There's so much clarity. I've learned so much about trauma and did so much trauma release and spiritual work but this pacha macha thing just gave me a whole nother level of clarity. And the inquiry at the end is brilliant as well
Pancha Kosha (पंचकोष:)
Thank you to this man for sharing. Stay strong, the world needs smart minds like yours now more than ever. Dr. K, you're a legend.
Thank you so much for your bravery. At every question you were asked, I felt myself shrinking back with fear, knowing I wouldn’t be able to respond out of fear of being misunderstood. But you were courageous enough to continue on and it is so amazing that you did. ❤ Thank you. I hope you’re doing ok
I really want to hug this guy
Fantastic work both, thanks for sharing this and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to help others. Beautiful.
Challenge for Dr. K: I have health problems and a sleep disorder that overwhelms all the spiritual emotional strength. My body is constantly trying to sleep, struggles to breath, my cognition/memory is affected, etc. this ruins all social support as I can’t sustain/put energy in to relationship and barely any energy in to self. For this I cannot find an answer to living….not on a sad emotional level, but philosophical. Think of a time when your body was so sick that you had to give up everything and just sleep. Imagine that every day of your life and the exhaustion builds. I can’t support myself and live alone in this state so I will soon be burdening others with this problem. It seems like the only option is to let my body sleep and if I can’t do that alone in my own place and instead have to burden people that don’t want the burden of supporting this….what is the point? I cannot find a solution. I’m an optimistic person but I’m stumped. I’m capable of seeing beauty in small things and being content with what’s left of my life, but most days it’s so bad that even the smallest of hobbies are not possible. There is not point to this. Its not about my worth, I understand I have a right to live. Even if I was promised tomorrow would bring the perfect life, but these physical problems with no cure are still here, the perfect life is useless. Where can I go with this? Its not a psychological problem/mental illness, it’s a quality of life/lack of life problem. Then people rally like no you have to live, blah blah blah….only to force you to continue to live in the same situation that has no solution. I’m in my 30’s, there aren’t places to go like an old folks home or an addict recovery house, etc. there are no societal supports for someone in my situation. I’d love to hear your opinion on a situation like this.
I'm my early 40s and have debilitating insomnia and a myriad of health issues because of lack of sleep. All you said here hit home. Non existent societal support for someone in our situation.