Deep Dive into Asexuality w/ Dr. K
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- Опубликовано: 21 дек 2023
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I just learnt that for the majority of the people, they're the protagonist of a sexual fantasy. I never even thought about this possibility.
yeah that threw me for a loop when he said the question "who do you identify with in the scene" because i don't
It was kinda funny hearing him explain that during the livestream and seeing the sheer number of people in chat who resonated with it. Maybe there's a lot more people on the aro/ace spectrum than most people think.
@@sushiroll3795 makes me wonder if this concept could be applied to other things. Like your preference in video game character gender or maybe even what TV shows you watch. I know a lot of people who self insert into these things and find me strange for not
@@bobowon5450 "who self insert into these things and find me strange for not"
Dude.. same, I never understood self inserting.
I haave also seen other people not feel aanything for other people sexually aand think they aare simply less driven thaan other people, I even thought I waas bi because 1+1=2 when in reaality it was 0+0=0. . .
@@blahblah94897 I love that metaphor: 0+0=0
As an asexual, it’s very funny that the first feature he gives (attraction to fictional characters) is right on the money for me.
Me with Gojo
Amicus :)
Yall aren't asexual lmao
@@HIRAMECLARKEHOPSgo watch a different channel then, clearly Dr k isn't for you
@@HIRAMECLARKEHOPS oh my god, you're so right. Thank you, nascar51523fan, for showing us the truth. We will immediately cease all asexual activities, thanks to you.
I have been identifying as an asexual for years now. My parents have no idea what asexuality even is, but considering that they called people with eating disorders "attention seekers" (nicer term), I didn't want to tell them.
Since I am almost 30, my mother kept hounding me about a partner, even saying that they would be okay if I brought home a girl. I don't even try searching for anyone at this point because I don't want to have sex and that seems to be a deal breaker for men. After months of being mentally drained by my mother's pestering, I snapped at her that if she finds me anyone who would want someone to never have sex with, then to be my guest. Her assumption was that someone "hurt me" since I don't want it. Nobody did. But at least she stopped asking about my relationship, or lack thereof.
My father's responds to my fear of ending up all alone ring in my head on a loop to this day:
"There will always be a guy willing to be with you, if you put out."
So, yeah, not opening that can of worms.
I am sorry that your parents are apparently unwilling or unable to empathize with you. Your experience is absolutely valid and I wish you only the best for your present and future!
If you truly want companionship (meaning not to appease people around you, because there is no problem not wanting a relationshilp!) I would think with the internet it wouldn’t be as much of a problem meeting likeminded people that also want the same kind of relationship? Heck even putting on a dating profile would make it so that the right people could find you instead.
yo too much similar
@@00samira00 Not online dating. Most people either don't care to look past the pictures or deliberately ignore the asexual on your profile, and there are just not enough asexuals on there. I think the whole experience is more harm than good. Frustrating and alienating. But I agree internet might be the answer. Maybe a meetup group just for asexuals? There aren't many options out there (at least where I live) but I'm looking into it.
Wow. Do we have the same parents?
Except my parents know I was hurt because it was my dad that did it.
As a lifelong asexual, I think he gets the right idea of "not committing to the identity" but I think it could be phrased better due to a lot of sexualities (ie bisexuality asexuality) get labeled as temporary. However I found great value in understanding that all identities are fluid and its okay to change at anytime
I was going to say the same thing. I agree with his point, but you wouldn't necessarily say the same thing to a young lesbian, etc.
Personally, I think we aces need more science and more visibility. I feel like a good amount of people feeling distressed by lack of sexual attraction/desire is likely down to society telling us how abnormal we are
He's a Hindu traditionalist from India, which is nationalistic and hyper-conservative. I guarantee you that he's intentionally inserting these dog whistles. Look at the comments he received when talking to a polygamist. Be wary
That is actually the impression I have of "young" people - they seem to change their sexuality as often and easily as their underwear 😮
@@Kingcobra6699 And that's a great development, because it means that they are not afraid to figure out who they are, what they like, and if they learn more or change, they change accordingly in how they represent themselves.
@@Kingcobra6699 which is good.
It’s great to see more people talk about asexuality. If Dr. K ever makes a video about asexuality again it would be nice to have an asexual guest on to explain some things more clearly.
I noticed that Dr. K sometimes confused asexuality with low libido. Asexuality is about having no sexual attraction, not about not being horny.
Also the thing about not immediately identifying as ace isn’t that big of a deal. If you considered yourself ace and at some point and realise that’s not the case that’s fine. Just like it’s fine to think your straight and find out you are bisexual. Labels are there to help you and if they’re not helpful to you there’s no need to use them.
Also aromanticism isn’t a subcategory of asexuality, it’s a separate thing. You can be either aromantic or asexual or neither or both.
Yes this one.
Exactly
This is exactly what I was worried about when I saw this video pop up - just another allo horribly getting it wrong, and worse, backing it with some feeling of authority
Yep he conflates the two for the entire video, very frustrating
Absolutely agree. I’ve been asexual my entire life but had no idea it was a ‘thing’ until I was 30. It was neat to find out there was a word for it.
In hindsight, my mother was asexual too- but society has expectations and she herself felt morally obligated to provide sex and children for her husband, so…
I really like that this topic is being covered. Being asexual can be alienating and lonely in a society where sex is basically worshipped.
Sex has always been "worshipped" by humans since its important for the survival of the human species not only with reproduction but with connection and intimacy too
its bizarro world. Like those "no sex for a year or 100 million$" questions. Im gonna be RICH. Actually, can we just extend that to 30 years?
I desperately wish I could trade places with an asexual who doesn't like being that. I don't gaf what others think and am already a loner so there seems to be no downsides for someone like me.
@@moustachio05 Yes. I'm not saying sex or sexuality is inherently bad or not needed, but because of it being such a central part of humanity, it feels odd to not be part of that experience.
@@AlphaCrucis I like that attitude
Some misconceptions on the autism section of the stream:
Alexithymia being the responsible factor for increased asexuality among autistic people is good as a hypothesis, but claiming that one is the result of the other is jumping to conclusions without enough evidence. I could point out to evidence that autistic people have a jump at the total amount of synaptic connections during childhood that most neurotypicals experience a bit later, during their teenage years, when it's possible for human beings to experience sexuality, and claiming a casual relationship there would be a hypothesis with merit too, but then again we have no evidence that that is the actual reason.
There's also an incomplete picture where we explain that autistic people are more likely to be asexual, without also explaining that autistic people are also more likely to be hypersexual or to have kinks occupy a larger place in their sexuality. The one proven relation between autism and sexuality is a larger deviation from typical sexuality, in no particular direction.
What is often described as "lack of empathy" is actually a difference in the preferred style of communication. The double empathy problem theory has gathered plenty of evidence across the years that communication between autistic people is as solid as communication between non-autistic people, which results in both groups having difficulties to have (instinctive) empathy towards the other, rather than autistic people having difficulty to feel (instinctive or affective) empathy in general. It's also important to avoid falling into the debunked myth that autistic people don't feel empathy, not only because it is false, but because it is often used to dehumanize us and justify discrimination and even violence.
As a kinky autistic guy who has so much empathy it hurts, thank you!!!!
Very true. I (non autistic) am involved in kink and know a number of autistic people who are very kink inclined.
I'm an autistic girl who has tons and tons of empathy.
what is your expirience with empathy? I find this very interesting .
How does the empathy towards autistic and non autistic people differ?
How much of it is the phenomenon, that people like to have an ingroup towards which they have more empathy to and an outgroup towards which they have less empathy to .
This could be to personal, so if it is so, pls dont answer.
The kind of aggression that sometimes comes out of an autistic person. The "typical" autistic temper tantrum.
How should that be understood?
Does it come from a place of frustration?
Whats the mechanic behind it.
I have autistic person in my life and would love to understand this better.
People get confused because there are two types of empathy: emotional and cognitive; cognitive empathy is being able to understand and recognize other people's emotions; emotional empathy is caring about and feeling other people's emotions. People with ASD typically have low cognitive empathy - and some studies show that they might have higher emotional empathy - although not conclusive. This is opposite to those with ASPD who have higher cognitive empathy and low emotional empathy.
Grew up in a super conservative Christian household,. Left handed, irregular periods, suspected neurodivergence, asexual until marriage at mid 30's. I can't imagine being guided by libido and hormones at teenage years. Must be hell, I was just eating popcorn and seeing my school drama from the side.
Hmm I wonder to what extent I may have asexual traits
Did he say somewhere that left-handedness correlates to asexuality ?
@@jameswilkerson4412 correlations in women start from 55:00 onwards, left-handedness specifically at 58:00
Was not all hell. I remember having sex that was so innocent in a way that you hardly could call it sex anymore.
I mean it was beautiful....
@@Kingcobra6699 Sex stopped being beautiful at some point?
I'm almost 35 and so far, still awesome ^^
Even more so the more I learn about it.
I don’t think “young people” are locking into identities with the intention of blocking out other options. From what I’ve seen the idea of identity is shifting to inherently be fluid and expected to change throughout life. So, basically what you encouraged people to do, just wanted to give the youngins more credit because I think they’re doing pretty great!
And from what I’ve seen, as one of the youngins with a ton of friends and acquaintances who are queer, is exactly what he described.
People are set in their ways. Indentities are inflexible, no matter how much evidence to the contrary is presented.
they are locking into their identity. they dont conciously do it but subconciously theire fully identified with their "ego". their unconcious/numb dont see their flaws
main message of every self help video should be youre doing great keep going, have u thought about your problem in that way? u can only show people the way, they still have to go them themselves.
Ive only seen the opposite
Pretty great by what metric? They're pretty much fucked from what I've seen.
Those are some pretty rose tinted glass you got there.
Here is a summary:
*Understanding Asexuality: A Neuroscientific Perspective*
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that refers to a lack of sexual attraction or interest in sex. It is not a disorder, a choice, or a result of trauma. It is a natural variation of human sexuality that affects about 1-3% of adults. In this post, I will explore some of the history, features, causes, and brain mechanisms of asexuality, as well as its implications for spirituality and identity.
*History of Asexuality*
The term asexuality originally described reproduction in single-celled organisms, but it has been used to describe human sexuality since the 20th century. Asexuality has likely existed throughout human history, as evidenced by some lifelong bachelors, spinsters, and celibate monks/nuns who may have been asexual. However, it was not widely recognized or studied until recently, as social norms and expectations often marginalized or ignored asexual individuals.
*Defining Asexuality*
Asexuality is defined by the absence of sexual attraction, not by the absence of sexual behavior. Asexuals can have physical responses to erotic stimuli, but they do not experience psychological arousal or appeal. Asexuality is also distinct from celibacy, which is a conscious decision to abstain from sex, and from hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), which is a distressing condition that affects sexual functioning. Asexuality is a spectrum that includes various subcategories, such as gray-A, demisexual, and aromantic.
*Causes of Asexuality*
There is no definitive answer to what causes asexuality, but there are several possible factors that may contribute to it. Some of these are: normal human variance, genetic influences, prenatal environment, hormonal imbalances, brain structure and function, and psychological factors. Asexuality is not caused by mental illness, trauma, medical disorders, or hormonal deficiencies, although these may co-occur with it. Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation that is determined by a combination of biological and environmental factors.
*Neuroscience of Asexuality*
Asexuality is associated with altered brain activity in regions that process reward and sexual salience. Specifically, asexuals show lower activation in the nucleus accumbens and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (VMPFC) when exposed to erotic stimuli. These regions are involved in generating pleasure and motivation for sex. Asexuals may have a higher threshold for triggering these regions, or they may not assign positive value to sexual stimuli. Asexuality may also involve differences in other brain regions, such as the thalamus, the limbic system, the hypothalamus, and the amygdala, that regulate sensory, emotional, and physiological aspects of sexuality.
*Spirituality and Asexuality*
Asexuality may offer a unique perspective on spirituality and identity. Eastern traditions suggest that there is a transcendent self that is beyond the mental constructs of gender and sexuality. Some divine figures, such as the Hindu god Shiva, embody this idea by representing the union of masculine and feminine energies. Asexuality may facilitate the access to this transcendent self, as it reduces the attachment to sensual desire and lust, which are seen as the most basic addictions that reinforce egoic patterns. Asexuality may also foster greater freedom and vitality, as it preserves the subtle energetic essence that builds spiritual potency. Asexuality may thus be seen as an advantage, rather than a disadvantage, on the path of spiritual cultivation.
*Identity and Asexuality*
Asexuality challenges the conventional notions of identity and sexuality that are prevalent in modern society. Asexuality shows that sexuality is not a fixed or essential quality, but a fluid and contextual one. Asexuality also shows that identity is not determined by physical attributes, but by psychological ones. Asexuality invites us to question our assumptions and stereotypes about sexuality, and to embrace the diversity and complexity of human experience. Asexuality also invites us to discover our true nature, which is beyond any labels or categories.
ACE does experience sexual arousal but just not attraction to other ppl.
That's stupid, if you're aroused by someone it means your attracted, it's possible to be aroused but not attracted. Actually that doesn't make sense because if someone arouses you then by that fact you're attracted by something they did or are doing.
@@Roaring2Thunder it isn’t really directed towards someone, it’s pretty random
@@Roaring2Thunder i understand your confusion. it’s not caused by someone, it’s really just randomly getting horny. i can explain by sharing my own personal experience. As a woman, there’s a phase during the menstruation cycle called, “ovulation”. ovulation occurs two weeks before my period starts. during ovulation, i am my most fertile, as eggs are released from my ovaries ready to be fertilized. therefore, my body begins releasing hormones and screaming at me to have a baby. thus, i become sexually aroused or horny. it’s natural and i can not control it. HOWEVER, as an asexual, i don’t want to have sex. i don’t even want to masturbate. i really don’t feel like my body is my own sometimes. it’s annoying having your body want one thing while YOU want another. i experience cognitive dissonance and a lot of frustration during ovulation. i hope this example can better help you understand and see that sexual arousal/being horny isn’t so black and white.
TLDR; people do not make me horny. ovulation makes me horny, it’s natural and i can not control it. however, i don’t want to have sex or masturbate. i experience cognitive dissonance.
Thanks for the great summary!!
"Some people are just asexual, like the rams" may be my favourite sentence of this month! But seriously: Thank you for this video!
Not to reddit to hard but
R/brandnewsentence
I absolutely loved this stream. Here are a couple points I would love for you to dive in further.
1. Autism (not only the lack of empathy but those who feel extreme amounts of empathy, even more than neurotypicals)
2. difference between sexual attraction and sexual drive for asexuals and others.
the #2 is on point!
Heavy on the #2.
It's such an odd feeling, feeling the need and drive for sex, but a lack of any sexual attraction towards anything.
yo, ace here just to answer real briefly:
1. Yes, there have been a few studies finding links between asd and asexuality spectrum - currently needs more research to state the link definitively
2. sexual attraction = urges to touch/have others touch your sexual organs
sexual drive or "libido" = desire to have an orgasm/feel sexual gratification
The two are two separate things and people can feel the urge to masturbate/have an orgasm but not any urges to involve others in that. Hence asexual people can and many do masturbate.
Hope that cleared it up for you a little, it's a frustratingly under-represented identity
I didn't know about autism also having extreme empathy, and now I want to get tested, because I always thought that the one aspect I do not relate with autism is the lack of empathy, which is why I thought that the rest of stuff (which I do relate with) might merely be products of my anxiety, depression, and OCD.
@@nukaghoula it definitely is, awesome to see you here!
Sexual attraction and sexual drive are things people mess up, if you say you are asexual many assume you just dont have sex, so tiring, thanks for the dive
There's one of two things that can change.
1. You describe your situation with different words.
2. Everyone else changes their understanding of a word to understand you.
He does conflate them at several points tho . I'm a bit sad about that
Then change the word. Asexual literally means "without sex". If what you are trying to say doesn't literally mean that, just use another word. It's like if I say I'm atheist but then complain people think I don't believe in a god when I am just unsure of the existance of one. In that case, I would label myself as agnostic, and not atheist.
If when you say that word people get other conclusions, then it's not the right word
@@blulikefriendlyhit1213 Words have elastic definitions and often defy etymological literality. While the raw construction of the word asexual can be deconstructed to 'not sexual', not all instances of 'without sex' are contextually appropriate. You wouldn't use asexual to describe a celibate. Take your example where Atheist (a-, theo, -ist) deconstructs to 'not a follower of god,' but you wouldn't call an agnostic an atheist, even though an agnostic qualifies under that literal definition.
Context is more important to definition than etymology. Consider: what context does 'asexual' exist? Here 'asexual' exists adjacent to terms like like 'heterosexual' and 'homosexual'. These words are not talking about sex drive, but about attraction relative to sex. Since attraction relative to sex is our context, the relationship between 'asexual' and its possible reference to sex drive is irrelevant. The fact that so many people make the logical leap that asexual people have no sex drive is probably because people both don't know many self-described Asexuals, and that the context is novel compared to the hundreds of years of discussion that's honed people's understanding of words like 'atheist' and 'agnostic.'
Regardless. For Asexual people looking to identify with each other, the ambiguity of the label 'asexual' gives people with similar but nonidentical experiences a way to mutually describe themselves, which is far more valuable than the confusion is bothersome.
TL;DR: Definitions are elastic because people define words, not the other way around. Stop bothering people about the words they use to describe themselves. They're for them. Not for you.
@@blulikefriendlyhit1213I love stumbling across a comment that puts a feeling I've always had to words. Very cathartic :)
Being ace aro nobody gets it when I try to explain it to them they just say “you haven’t met the right person” and it’s so frustrating, that’s for putting out a resource for those who don’t understand it
Story of my life. Though the older I get the more ppl say I'm lucky I'm not married or with anyone n that I'm free. Lol I sure feel free. Being in a relationship looks like a headache.
I'm not aro ace, just ace/demi, but to my observation people who DO experience romantic/sexual attraction can't shut up about it or at least can't stop thinking about it since they're literal children, mostly since middle school. Yeah there are some late bloomers or whatever, but nobody ever has to meet the RIGHT person to be attracted to them, it's quite the opposite actually, people get attracted to the wrong people all the freaking time. Also at what age will this stop? Like uh oh, I'm 87 and never wanted to bang someone, but don't worry, I'm totally allo, I just didn't find the right person between the billions of them on the planet! Silly me, with my high standards and stuff! 😂
Yessss same.
@@Anna-yl2lp Realest thing lol. What really gets me is that if they're not trying to peer-pressure you, those same pushy people constantly come to us for relationship & dating advise - somehow, they flip from "how do you know if you haven't tried it" to "you always got the freshest takes". I started considering their pestering for help as reparations.
Same, I never had any feelings of that kind, but I thought I might wait till I turn 18 to call myself aroace, I was afraid might have been a late bloomer, but years passed and things are still the same. I don't see anything desirable in a relationship with friendship can't offer (maybe except writing love letters or poems, it's a pity writing them to friends isn't socially acceptable), and even If I would force myself into a romance to test if it would work out or sth I would have to fake everything and lie about my feeling with would really hurt the other person I imagne
I'm a cis hetero man in my twenties and never felt sexual attraction to people of any kind and I think there's nothing wrong with being an ace, its just how you feel the world, but imo what really sucks about being an ace is that it becomes harder to find a person to be together (romantically). I've been in relationships and every time it always ended the same, due to the lack of sex...
Like look, I'm not aromantic or impotent, I love hugging, spending time together, saying good stuff etc etc , but when it comes to sex... welp I had it a couple of times and every time I had to overcome myself to do that, so eventually my partners would just feel unloved? and broke up with me
Yknow anyway I'm not here to blame anyone, I know I'm the odd one out and this is just how our society works.
Just wanted to tell that if there's fellow ace people around here going through the same experience, ig all that's left for us is to warn our potential partners before we start our "love journey" ;) or you can choose the path of friendship like I did.
Bless and love everyone, and thank you for the stream, Dr. K!
upd: yo its my first post on such a topic and I was a bit unsure whether its worth it to let it all out here, but its so nice to see so many supportive people around here! I love yall ❤
Im aromantic asexual and impotent because of psychiatrc medications
So I wouldn't sat your impotent (unless you actually are because of a medical condition or medication) because that's something diffrent then not being sexually aroused. But I get what you mean liking all the other stuff, my saving grace if you want to call it that, is that I'm a demisexual (which is asexual but with an emotional swich as long as I feel connected to the other person I can perform) but yeah snuggling is the fucking best and I can be the literal most romantic partner ever. I hope you find that someone though so just hang in there.
Ace here! I thought it would be hard to find romantic partners too, but I've found that a lot of allo people are open to having an ace partner. My partner is allo and actually finds it advantageous that I'm ace because it removes the pressure of always having to be "ready" for sex, and our openness about sex has allowed us to set very clear expectations and consensual boundaries for activities. If you feel comfortable talking to potential partners early on about these things I truly believe you'll be pleasantly surprised that a lot of people will be supportive so long as you're communicating!
It's not on you. Sex is important to many people allo or ace, and you might have encounter people to whom it is very important.
Comunication can be helpful in understanding that the lack of sexual attraction doesn't mean a lack of love or want to be with your partner, but it's not a 100% chance of a perfectly healthy relationship (as an ace person).
us ace people just need to find eachother i think lol
Dr. K makes a lot of good points about labels. It can be good to not commit to a label until you’re fully sure of things. But just know, even if you do, and you realize you’re actually something different later, that’s ok. It’s nobody’s business figuring it out but yours. And you don’t owe anybody an explanation.
Personally, I wish labels could be dropped and changed more freely in general. Having a word that encapsulates your current experience is really helpful for finding a community, and if there's a trend for adolescents to go through a sort of transitional asexuality, then I think it should be fine for those youths to be able to join and engage with asexual spaces and form connections with people of similar experiences, then be able to change that label if they feel it no longer applies to them.
Queer people have had to fight very hard to have their identities and experiences be seen as legitimate by wider society, and a shitty outcome of this is that label-switching is discouraged in queer spaces because bigots will use transitional label use as 'proof' that queer people are faking or confused. And obviously this is dangerous for queer people because it can be used as justification for erasure and conversion therapy or other mistreatment. It sucks that our society is so unaccepting of groups that stray from the norm, because if people were allowed to be more fluid in their self-identity I think we'd lose this unnecessary pressure to pick the 'correct' label the first time.
Nah, instead of encouraging people not to label, we should be helping people understand that the human animal is not a static rock, and labels can change throughout your life to reflect who you are at that time.
@@the.bloodless.one1312 The same way we have labels pinpointing the stages of our age, phases of hobbies/interests and living circumstances. Nothing stays the exact same forever, there's always change going on every second of every day.
And hopefully people should learn that some of us don't change down the line and that we are perfectly happy the way we are. Both sexual and asexual people alike tend to tell me that I can't say that I will never be interested in sex or romance, and quite frankly, it isn't their business. I'm not going to wait until I'm in a casket to identify who I am. Gay and straight people are allowed to be sure of their sexuality, so what gives? 🤔 Sure other asexuals have romantic attraction to and whatnot, but it's really obvious for those of us that don't have romantic attraction that we aren't going to have the future of sex or biological children or marriage.
I kinda agree but I also understand the idea of using a label as "something for the moment", even if you know it may not be forever, if it helps you currently describe how you feel
The part about the "directionless attraction" in fantasies caught me off guard. It is very interesting to see things one experiences but can't describe explained very clearly.
Yes I am a huge shipper but I don't care to identify with either one. I find Y/N fics really uncomfortable
@@ca-ke9493 ughhh I haaate that format! Gimme third person! Hahahha
@@ca-ke9493 I love y/n fics, but only with fictional characters. Make it an irl person and I either separate myself from y/n and put in an oc or I just drop it all together. I don't really understand it.
I loved hearing your perspective on asexuality. I am asexual. It sounds like you have some stuff to say about being aromantic too and I am very curious about that. I don't have any internal conflict with being asexual, but I have more tension around wanting or not wanting romantic relationships. I hope you'll do a follow-up on that topic!
Same here. I worry about not ever having an offspring (not genetically related is fine, but genetically is better). I'd also want someone to share my thoughts and to be trusted, but it's hard for asexuals to ever have strong motivations to do so. We just go back to doing whatever we think we should be doing.
As a female Asexual who's still interested in romantic relationships, I find it's almost impossible to find guys who are ok with the concept of never having sex while in a relationship. It's tough. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just happier and better off overall being alone.
6:09 Is where the talk starts, for those who already know what the channel is about, otherwise, please read everything.
Bruh
Thanks for doing the Lord's work!
Thanks for the ad skip
Thank you so much
@@handsomebear. "That shit" is very useful and relevant, not an ad.
I am asexual and there is so little public knowledge on the topic, I really appreciate that you chose this theme! Thank you Dr K
This is a weird topic to me because I am an asexual and always felt incrediby alone for it. Like no one seems to relate to my experience of not being interested in sex or genuinely finding it gross, and it makes me feel like I'm an alien and I hate it. I'm really excited to watch this one, thanks Dr. K. If anyone relates please let me know so I know I'm not alone.
I don’t know if I’m an asexual but I get you somehow
I feel the same way, I always thought there's something wrong with me until I did find out I was asexual. Now I feel like it's okay to be how I am, I'm not broken I'm just not the most common form of sexuality.
i feel that way too !! i think what felt particularly isolating for me is i had a couple of friends who also identified as ace, until more time passed and everyone realised that they dont feel that way anymore, and ive been the only one left at this point !! i feel like people see it as childish and immature and sometimes i start to worry its true when you see just how much sexual attraction is a driving force in intimate relationships. but then at the same time i still desire a close connection with a partner, i just personally dont see sex as something that adds to that connection. but people dont seem to get that !!
I think this might be because there's not a lot to relate about when the "shared identity" is not being interested in something. There's really not a lot of actual shared ground there, nor is there anything to discuss. What you do get in cases like this are hate groups though, who take it a step further and gather around their hatred for people who do like the thing they don't like, eg antinatalists. Ie, unless I actively hate people who aren't asexual, I'm not going to dedicate time or energy to exploring and talking about my disinterest in sex, the same way that I haven't any inclination to start a "People who don't have an opinion about Star Trek" club.
I dont know if this is relatable but i used to be disgusted with kissing. It took me a while but i figured out the biggest issue i had was the temperature change in saliva. Once i got over that initial mental block it started to click. I still cringe at the temperature difference but it goes away as i get into it. I blame my autism for the feeling of cringe but im glad i got over it. People are right, kissing is cool
It’s not that aspec people lack the ability to get aroused tho. It’s more that any arousal instantly gets snuffed out once it’s applied to reality or real people. I also wouldn’t say “no interest in sex” it’s more like “no desire to have sex as yourself with a real, tangible other human”
So much this
Why?
@@UwUImShio that’s like asking “why are some people gay?” We don’t know for sure. If there are people who feel sexual attraction there are people who don’t. If someone who loves cake exists there has to be someone who hates it. Maybe that’s just the way our world is
@@jimpickens5936 bruh I'll never understand sexuality
Heavily on this comment. My sex drive is probably weaker than average, but it still exists, and certain concepts can even actually strengthen arousal. But, as you said, the moment it's applied to a real physical person, it's all out the window and I even feel discomfort.
Growing up, I felt sorry for everyone around me who seemed controlled by sexual desire. It’s like they were half-people, half-animals. I understood that *I* was the aberration, and that without sexual drives our species wouldn’t have made it, but it also felt like our progress as a species was forever hobbled by a primitive obsession with rutting. Whenever I see news articles about the birthrate going down, I feel like that’s a good, normal, healthy thing that should be managed (because economy) - but also celebrated.
Doctor K has great hair
Asexuality cured
looks fake af :V
It's the eastern asian genes 😆
Ikr
is in general a very handsome man
Hey, hope Dr K gets to see this. I wish I could have caught this video live, but it ran during a meeting.
I am 39F, married with 3 kids, and only about 2 years ago started identifying with the term aromantic asexuality. I always knew I was different from my peers growing up, but I caved and joined the dating/ seductiveness game because society taught me that it was the only way I was ever going to have meaningful relationships with anyone. My version of happily-ever-after is a found family of close intimate friends doing nerdy things together for life. But as I tried to engage with people in that way, it seemed like no one else had any interest in that kind of relationship. Very much like Will in Stranger Things when the other guys started prioritizing girls over the group of guys.
Anyway, since you asked, there are definitely things stated that the community will take offense to, and thought you should be aware.
First, your response to the question of "Can I be aromantic if I still like touching?" The answer is yes. That is referred to as sensual attraction. They like affection, but they don't associate affection with romantic feelings.
Next, as I understand it, the situations in which someone will become interested in sex tend to fall into one of 3 categories. 1) They encounter someone who has qualities that turn them on, 2) Someone propositions them and they are agreeable. 3) They're just lonely, or their physiology is just right that their drive is active without external stimulus.
When someone describes themselves as asexual, they have told you that they don't, or at least typically don't, experience that first scenario. They have given you no information at all about their experience of the second or third.
For that, we use another spectrum. On one end, there's sex-repulsed. These people have an instinctive physical revulsion to sexual activity. (I have heard testimonials of people who started dating late in life, then finally found someone they thought was everything they wanted, then the first time they tried to kiss, the person had to go throw up.) Further in the spectrum is sex-averse. They don't have the same physiological reaction as sex-repulsed, but still generally associate sex with negative feelings. Then comes sex-indifferent, which is how you described asexuality in this video. Next is sex-positive, where they don't have an allosexual's typical experience, but they still associate sex with positive feelings. Then sex-favorable, where their sexual activity appears quite typical, they just need partners to understand that they will not typically be the cause of arousal
Aromanticism has a corelative spectrum
Given that spectrum, the idea that asexuals are generally not conflicted in their feelings is definitely problematic. Sex-repulsed people often have to go through a serious mourning period for the life they expected to have after they realize their orientation
Also, the community gets offended by people telling them that they should stay open to changing. They typically are open to changing, they just see no reason to expect it to change given everything they've already experienced, and when people tell them that they just don't know what they're missing, they find that deeply invalidating
And in particular it's invalidating, because, sure, we may not experience a dimension of relationships that allos do, but we also get to experience a dimension of relationships that allos don't. We experience "squishes," and put more meaning into friendships, and engage in queer-platonic relationships. Or, we get to enjoy being on our own. I don't think it's fair to tell people to stay open to trying something when they already have something else in mind that is incompatible with staying open
So, hope that makes sense, and don't worry about me or my feelings, I understand where you're coming from, but if you want to engage with this topic further, I figure these are things to be aware of
I completely agree with you. I'm aroace, I've never experienced sexual nor romantic attraction. Theres part of me that wants to conform to the allonormative expectations of society, cus a lot of times being aroace feels like im missing out on something, but in the end of the day no matter how hard I try, i might never experience this kind of attraction. Finding out im aroace has resolved part of my internal conflict about the topic. I'm way more accepting of myself and my feelings, i stopped trying to simulate feelings that aren't there or let people's expectations rule over my actions and words. Yes, sometimes i still do grief at my incapability to form romantic and sexual relationships like most people do, but knowing that there isnt actually anything wrong with me and this is a normal way to feel is comforting
(Also just for clarification, im sex-repulsed, it's not just the lack of attraction, I'm also repulsed by most sexual things)
Hey just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. I thought it was very well written, educational, and came from a place of kindness.
I dont know much about this topic so both the video and your comment are appreciated.
I didn't see anyone else comment yet so I felt obligated to tell you that this comment is appreciated 😅
This comment gave voice to a lot of my abstract musings and expanded my knowledge. Thank you for writing this.
A question for you. If you identify as aromatic and asexual why stay married? I am sure you don’t hate your partner but doesn’t it get tiresome to play a game you have not interest in?
@@Flavor190 In my case, I wouldn't say my interest is non-existent. My found-family doesn't have to exclusively be platonic. I'm somewhat drawn to the idea of pairing off within the group as long as the group is not neglected for it. I regard myself as romance-averse, which my partner has never expressed having a problem with, and on a typical day I am sex-indifferent, but occasionally move into sex-positive. I am not interested as often as he is, but I usually don't mind obliging when he's more interested than I am
Then there's the practical situation to consider. My partner has chronic illness which means he relies on my income and my insurance. I don't want his quality of life to take a nosedive just because I'm not as into that kind of relationship as others are. Then the kids would be affected as well.
Plus, I alluded to queer-platonic relationships in my OP. Sometimes aroace people in a QPR will get married just so they can legally be regarded as family. It makes it easier on insurance, or to adopt together, or to be able to tell the hospital what to do in case their partner becomes unable to express their wishes for themselves, etc.
Hope that all makes sense
In general I liked the stream and thought there was some good information. However, at one point Dr. K seems to imply that "you can't know if you don't try" or that asexuals are missing out. I agree that people across the LGBTQ+ spectrum tend to label themselves prematurely and that anyone curious, unhappy, or uncertain of their sexuality should explore options. However, the implication that all asexuals should seek treatment or test drive sexual experiences is damaging. If you're happy without sex that's totally valid and doesn't need to be fixed unless it distresses you. Just because other people feel their life would be less fulfilling without something be that sex, alcohol, anime, videogames, whatever... doesn't mean that is true universally. No one should feel obligated or pressured to explore sexually.
its especially concerning tbh because no one would say that for heterosexual individuals, no ones breathing down their neck to go out and have partners to really explore their sexuality when they say they don't feel like dating or having sex yet. I think if someone labels themselves as asexual they surely can't be rushing into labels because in that moment its clearly important for them to not try it, thats the point of the term for them i guess. If they aren't ace anyway it still doesn't matter because they shouldn't be pressured into doing things they don't want to regardless of what others tell them to try!
100%.
I don't think anyone should try sex if the thought is very repulsive, causes fear, or if there has never been any sexual arousal to begin with. But if sexual interest exists in general and the issue is just lack of interest with another person then I do recommend trying it out with someone you trust. I had no interest in sex initially and found out through trial and error that I'm demi. There were times I was really bored but I wasn't damaged by them.
Yeah, I usually find the comments under Dr. K's videos far more helpful/insightful/whatever than the videos themselves lol
I guess this is trauma related but also just being in survival mode or really stressed like anything feels dangerous or anxiety provoking will turn off sexuality usually
First and foremost, thank you for addressing asexuality! As someone who currently identifies as asexual, I'm delighted to see one of my favourite content creators discuss this misunderstood sexual orientation at length. For me, the most contentious points of the video are the following (no shade to Mr K 😉)
1. defining aromanticism as a subset of asexuality, which does not match the experience of allosexual aromantics
2. confounding sexual attraction (desire for sexual activity with a particular individual) and libido (untargeted desire for sexual activity). Generally, asexuals can experience the latter but not the former. Some asexuals, namely gray asexuals and demisexuals, experience sexual attraction under exceptional circumstances
3. recommending that teenagers should abstain from labeling their sexual orientation, which is more a matter of opinion than scientific fact. The usefulness of labels may be difficult to grasp for heterosexual, heteromantic individuals, since their sexual and romantic orientations are widely considered the default. This is problematic in that young asexuals tend to label themselves as hetero based on prevailing societal expectations, even if they are not. Is that kind of labeling more acceptable because it doesn't close the door to sexual experiences in teenagehood? I don't think so. In my opinion, sexual experiences are no more valuable for a teenager as they are for an adult, so the potential that "asexual" label has of delaying such experiences is irrelevant.
4. implying that a lack of sexual interest as a result of biological processes doesn't make someone asexual. In my mind, if an individual functionally presents as asexual, meaning they don't experience sexual attraction or interest in sexual relationships, they are free to define themself as asexual, no matter the cause. The sense of belonging provided by the "asexual" label often outweighs the uncertainty that surrounds its causes. It does for me anyway
To be clear, this is still top-tier content! I especially liked the section on the process of sexual arousal and what makes some sexual experiences enjoyable and some not. To get more personal about point 3., I personally struggle to reconcile the inherent fluidity of my identity with my desire for absolute certainty, which is probably a cope for anxiety. Hence, I prefer labeling myself as asexual than leaving it up in the air!
I love this response, thank you! I like Dr K but I agree with your comment completely, I think these points definitely needed a bit more nuance than he gave them. Good on you too for being so clear and concise in your explanations, as well as respectful.
As a fellow aroace person I find we are often misrepresented and misunderstood, so seeing these nuances pointed out so considerably is really heartwarming to see.
@@lucisangelum Thank you so much for your kind reply! 💛 It made my day (if not my week)
I agree with this comment completely, I'm ace and these things also bothered me about the video. I'm all for ace education but unfortunately these are very common misconceptions and I wouldn't want them to spread even more
I was also looking for someone making this comment, the last hour or so of this dive seems to have really gone off the rails in terms of the ace experience. I've shared this to my Ace friends but warned them that the video more or less ends at 1:30;00
Well, one could easily argue, literally every human development is a consequence of a biological development.
Finding exactly where and when on the chain of events happens is the problem 🙃
As an asexual myself (im 22), i do think that a lot of us might have joined the church and never understood that humans are supposed to want to have sex and thus never considered that it might be hard for other ppl and where just like "okay then stop being weak and don't do it"
ETA : I have a very normal period though... infact the abnormality about my period is that is very normal. No cramps - like ever. Although it was very heavy when i was an adolescent. Also yes i did get my puberty 1 year after my peers did. Also I'm the first child.
One thing I wish dr. K researched a bit more before talking about it was aromantism. As an aro-allo, and I would say most of the aro community as a whole, we don't really consider aromantism to be a variant of asexuality; in fact the complete opposite! We usually assume sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate (look up split attraction model).
Lastly, this kind of makes sense that even dr. K would make this mistake if even the scientific community still assumes aromantism and asexuality are the same.
I mean, just because a community assumes something about themselves and the rest of humanity, it doesn't make it scientifically true.
@@frangild It's quite simple, if you assume that asexuality is the same as aromanticism, then you will agree with what dr. k said. However, if you go by the logic that they are separate, then you will agree with my first statement. One more thing, we don't 'assume' these things just because. It's taken years and years of grass-roots data gathering and even scientific study.
@@frangildI mean taxonomy is all arbitrary anyway so there is no "absolute truth" when it comes to the correct categorization.
Can you give an example of the difference?
As an asexual who grew up around mega-christians, who gave meditation an honest try for years, who gave homeopathic spiritual healing a try, and found all of them to fall completely flat, I find the idea of "asexuality gives you a +100 to spirituality" to be hilarious. The closest thing to spirituality that I am any good at is lucid dreaming, which I seem to be MUCH better at than 99% of people, but I view my dreaming in a purely secular, non-spiritual way.
that's so strange - in Christianity, being celibate is a very good thing. maybe you mean to say you grew up around American evangelicals. in American evangelicalism, there's almost a notion of being defective if you're celibate. it's in such sharp contrast to the early Church. just read 1 Corinthians 7, for example.
as someone who leans asexual (i usually say "gray-ace" is a fitting label), i've never found my Christian faith to be in conflict with my preference to remain single/celibate. it's really an added plus - following the Lord Jesus is already 100% worth it; it's so cool that i don't have to worry myself with getting married if that's not what's meant to happen
@@addisonbreton965 Oh, don't underestimate how close-minded religious people can be. As soon as you show signs of being different than the rest (in any way, shape or form), something must be wrong with you. Even if it's asexuality. You'd be surprised at how many people think asexuality is wrong and try to cure it!
I'm ace and I found that I hated everyone else's spiritually, but I have a deep need for spiritually myself, I'm just incredibly particular about one that fits me. I had to make my own to be happy. I'm mostly inspired by indigenous american aspects. (I don't know much, but what I do know feels closer to what it should be. in the sense of treating humans as a part of the system. Zen buddhism gets close too, but what I like about native american religions is the everyday ways they remind themselves they are a part of nature. Calling animals in their myths, brother, thanking the land when they take something from it (I've seen a few ways they do this from literally thanking, to returning a little back to the land).
Then I've found bits and pieces that I just like from elsewhere. And that's right for me.
I suspect yours might be different, but maybe you can give it a try.
@mikatheperson7721 i certainly don't underestimate it; unfortunately, it is human nature to be close-minded. if people are unfamiliar with others experiencing a lack of sexual attraction and cannot fit it into their schema of typical human experience, they will conclude something is wrong with them.
fortunately, there is a lot of precedence for asexual leanings in the Christian religion. when addressing the issue of who should marry and who should not, the Apostle Paul says that it is better to remain single if possible so that you can be more focused on God, but if you are going to be attracted to others, "it is better to marry than to burn with passion". the healthy, productive, and fruitful expression of such desires is marriage, which is also beautiful! but personally, i am glad that celibacy is also seen as very valuable. as the Apostle Paul says in his letter, "I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another."
growing up, i definitely got different impressions from the culture around me about this topic. but upon searching the Scriptures on it (when i was an older teenager and did not want to necessarily marry as an adult), i found a lot of peace and rest about it!
@@mikatheperson peak Christian fundamentalist's logic =
"Sex bad"
Alright, I just so happen to not be sexual in any way shape or form
"NO, NOT LIKE THAT"
Actually nearly 50% of the ace community wants to be a parent and yes a much smaller percentage already is a parent but a good number of us are parents. It's a lot like gay men or lesbians becoming parents but there is also even more complexity to the ace variable for that.
This is so true. Ace parent here.
After I watched this stream I'm not sure I can count myself as part of the ace community. But if I am, being a parent been my life long dream since pretty much middle school.
I also know of a couple ace couples or singles that are raising children.
I'm an ace parent. I wanted to have 2-3 kids. (but my daughter was so colicky I was afraid to have #2). Now I would be ok with a second child but I'm too broke to do it solo. I can afford my current life but I wouldn't be able to handle child care as it would be 30 to 40% of my income (and more than my mortgage).
where is this statistic from?
@XingAoShen The Ace Community Census /Ace Community Survey 2019 report :) 40.8% wanted to experience parenthood so not quite 50% but more than I expected.
I remember when I was a teenager and I told my friends that I never thought about sex and how much I disliked kissing or anything sexual they all thought I was lying. It led me to question myself and my sexuality a lot. I’m lucky that I found a husband who tries his best to understand and goes above and beyond to make our relationship work despite our differences.
Yeah I remember telling a friend that kept wanting to try dating that I wasn't attracted to men. And his conclusion was, oh you are a lesbian! I wasn't but I didn't know what Ace was (actually I don't think it existed back then as a named thing yet) so I just moved on without pointing it out. Helped take the pressure off or friendship either way.
The fact he's understanding and actively trying is a green flag
Do you guys do it? If so, how does that work?
I am super interested in learning this. As I've gotten older I come to the realization that I'm clearly different from most other people, I have no drive to start a relationship.
Asexuality isn't about relationships though
@@abcdefzhij I feel nothing toward people (romantic/se*ual) so I have not drive to start a relationship. Granted relationships can be made from other things than attraction.
Maybe you are also under the aromantic umbrella. Im aroace myself, if you want to talk in the comments for a bit. Or just to say hi even 😊😊
@@mariapaz6379 em heyy I’ve just turned 20 and I’m starting to realise that the way I view romantic and physical relationships is different from my peers. I enjoy pleasure but only in relation to other people, never involving myself. I get aroused but don’t desire anyone in any way. Moreover the only erotic or romantic media that interest me are gay doujinshis and fanfics(I’m biologically and mentally female). Could I be aroace or something else??
Side note: I’ve always been comfortable with how I am and have never had a relationship or wanted one no matter how I was pressured to.
@@ionana0219 I'm close to your age and basically in the same situation as you, I consider myself asexual and i've been questioning if aromantic too because I have 0 interest in a relationship, I believe the reason I only enjoy BL content is because that's the furthest content away from my identity, if I watch romantic/sexual content with girls on it I cannot help it but see myself in them and I don't really like that idea.
Idk how I feel about deeming aversion to romantic relationships as always being a result of trauma. I know many aromantic people would disagree but for myself it’s hard to differentiate.
What is romance actually?
1:17:59
I gotta disagree there. I knew i was ace at 14 and now im 19, it hasnt changed. if id spent those years being uncertain and telling myself i wasnt really asexual, it would have only increased my feelings of alienation.
Its also not wrong to change your label later. If it suits at the time, regardless of the cause or if it's permanent, it can help you feel less alone. I just dont see as many negative consequences even if you get it wrong
Edit: im only over halfway thru, so ill update again when im done watching
Theres also just alot of misinformation in this video so far.. sexual attraction and drive are not the same thing and id say many if not most aces do have the latter to some degree.
Even though a lot dont, many aces do have sex, so asexuality isnt the same as not wanting sex.
Also aromanticism is not on the ace spectrum. Its a romantic orientation not a sexual one. You can be homoromantic and asexual or aromantic and heterosexual.. its just that for most allosexuals (non-aces) these feelings (romantic, sexual attractions, libido,) all line up so you lump them together, where for many asexuals there is a clearer distinction
Idk if some patreon requested this video, but asexuality is already misunderstood and although ur video has lots of valuable info, it perpetuates a lot of misinformation too (within the first few minutes too).
25 aroace here. i might add abt nothing changed part - things might get change still, I only experienced change in libido when I was 24, when it got up from almost nonexistent to more noticeable. funnily enough it gave me more insight into asexuality bc before that I just assumed it means necessarily zero libido, which was the case for me and now I'm more certain in being ace then ever before bc now I have some frame of reference. 15, even 20 might be too early to say for sure but I would say if person has a hunch there is very high probability they would be right. even if they wouldn't in future it wouldn't matter given the fluidity of whole thing.
I don't think he phrased it the best. I would say it's more a matter of continuing introspection and self reflection throughout your life vs declaring your label and never thinking about it again. I have never changed my asexual label but I have changed my relationship with my label over the years. Early on, I used it more as a shield. Something I could use to defend myself and hide behind against a world that wanted me to be normal. High school was hell for me and made me hide a lot about myself, even from myself, so I could be left alone and live peacefully.
As I grew older, I learned more about the world, myself and tools and language developed by the ace and aro communities. You don't master all these things in a day, it takes time. I developed my romantic label. I figured out my views on certain matters. Things that terrified me as a teen stopped being so scary for me. My asexual label became a way I could understand the world and to be understood by the world.
And some people do change their labels. I know a number of people who also used asexuality as a shield so they didn't have to think about their sexuality further. As they grew older, they realized their asexuality stemmed from repression and rejection of their sexuality and leave the ace community to find more about themselves.
i think he isnt telling you to doubt yourself but to be more pensive in fully committing to a label. live your life and be aware of your feelings but dont put yourself in a box too early.
i dont think hes ever told someone to doubt themselves
Yeah I have to agree, as an aro-allo, there's already a lot of misinformation that leads to misunderstandings when it comes to the a-spec community as a whole, it doesn't help when dr. k also repeats some of that where instead he could've looked up some info on AVEN or AUREA to better understand the topic.
@loreelaiii When I came out to my dad at 19 he responded the same way: don't be so quick to put yourself in a box. It was really fucking invalidating actually. I had been attracted to the same sex for 5+ years already, and participated in compulsory heterosexual relationships for just as long. I've been gay married for 10 years and have a child now. Still in that "box". My dad has since reflected on his reaction and expressed regret about how he phrased it. Not an apology, per se, but a "wow I was more ignorant than I realized" admission. It's now pretty well known to NOT argue or express doubt or hesitation with someone's coming out, regardless of age, experience, or maturity level. I don't see why asexuals coming to terms with their identity should be treated any differently.
Love these deep dive streams. I'm not even asexual but it's still interesting to get a doctor's perspective
I'm fascinated by the subject.
@@acegikm I’m fascinated by how many comments someone who accused others of advertising explicitly leaves on the same channel *sips tea*
They’re ideal for anyone who has ears and a mind fr
as an ace person, this was a great talk and just what i needed
Ace? Blace!
While there are so many wonderful things said in this deep dive, I feel like it is still plagued with the typical disparages put against asexual people.
Especially how the final thesis of main lecture seemed to be "don't identify as acesexual. You might be wrong"
That is what most of society tells us and it is so harmful. You even brought up examples of this but then perpetuate the myth yourself.
I think in general recognizing that identity is fluid and can change and evolve is important for everyone. However, there are so many people that believe that cce people either don't or can't exist it is staggering.
Calling asexual people out like this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Even the language in some of the studies is so harmful to aces. Things like saying "asexuality resolved" how does that even happen when it isn't a problem.
If they mean have sex with a partner than that isn't asexuallity resolving because cce people can do anything sexually and still be ace. You can have a medical problem and still be ace. You can have trauma and still be ace. You can do and be anything and still be ace. Just as with any faucet of identity it is a part of you.
To anyone who might be considering if they are ace, try it on and see how it fits. If your wrong, no harm done. If your right... well just like coming to terms with any other part of your identity it is a beautiful and transformative thing ❤
I have struggled with my asexuallity for years and coming to terms with it has been so important in my journey. Sometimes I hate it but most of the time it does feel like a super power. I just wish more people knew what it actually meant to be ace. I am proud to be an asexual!
Yessss! I think that's the healthiest way to view asexuality: as an identity (may be passing, may be not) that can be or not related to health problems, but isn't a health problem itself. Therapy/medicine can treat a sexual drive malfunction, a trauma, etc, but not "cure" asexuality bcs asexuality isn't a malfunction itself, it's a way to understand oneself and find others alike and put one's experiences into words
Thank you for doing this! I’m in my late 50’s, I remember when I was fifteen thinking how sad it was that aren’t Protestant nuns because I could have rocked being a nun. I ended up married and Miserable. I remember thinking that if I liked sex, or would even have sex, my marriage would be better. I didn’t even have to think about it. I’m happy the way I am, I don’t want to change. Thank you, again!
I feel called out by the fictional character bit right off the bat🤣🤣🤣I’m Demisexual. Not Asexual, but it falls under the umbrella of Asexuality, and I thought for a while that I may be asexual(as did my parents) until I finally did experience attraction to someone…But I’m 24 in a few days and have only been attracted sexually to two people, and only been physically involved with the second…The love of my life🥰 Absolutely adore him! I could go on and on about him, but the point is that sometimes I basically feel like I’m asexual at times simply because I go through life not attracted to even people I would objectively say are good looking…It’s weird I know😂
Edit: Btw demisexual basically means that you don’t feel any sexual attraction to people off the bat, but once some sort of emotional connection is formed with a person you MIGHT experience sexual attraction to them after the fact. It does not determine if you are straight or not. Some demisexual people need just a small amount of emotional connection, others need a lot of it. And an emotional connection doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will happen even if that person finds you physically appealing. Some will be attracted to a lot of people in their lifetime with a lot of people that they connect with…While others like me will go years without be sexually interested in anyone😅
Fellow demisexual here, it takes me at least 6 months to feel any sort of sexual attraction. Granted, I've only been sexually attracted to a handful of guys in my life, but that's my small frame of reference. I've wondered if I'm demiromantic as well, I never really payed attention to it, though. Hope you and your partner keep on being the best for one another!
I love his speech cadence. He always allows time for the listener to process what he’s said. Also, I find it difficult to speak as I think, so I admire his ability to do so. It feels effortless.
How do you know if you want sex or is just the media telling you you should want sex? Like, When I was a teenager I thought when I grew up I would be very "liberal" in sexuality but as I grew up I didn't realize everyone was already sexually active (in college) and Me being a pretty girl with many suitors had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone yet and it didn't seem to bother me at all. Also, they use sex in the media to sell you a car or even a hamburger, I just don't get it.
thank you for covering this topic! as someone who's asexual+biromantic I find this all to be very spot on!
I’m not inhuman… I simply have no such weaknesses
Awesome video, I have thoughts on the bit about not defining yourself as asexual as an adolescent. I think that asexuality is not such a restrictive and definitive label. Many people who identify with asexuality are not necessarily concerned with finding an exact neurological and social explanation for the way they experience sexuality. We are more interested in finding some kind of word to relate to other people how our personally noticeable experience of sexuality affects us. Like other queer labels, “asexual” can be used as a way to describe how we interact with the world and ourselves in a non-heterosexual way rather than a strictly scientific term. Even if someone’s lack of sexual interest is influenced by trauma, some sort of benign hormonal imbalance or “late blooming,” if the sexual attraction to specific real people is absent from their lives, they are arguably still *functionally* and socially asexual, and might wish to inform other people of any of those things in simple terms. Also like other forms of queerness, asexuality may sometimes simply be fluid, not strictly present or absent in a person. Many people experience sexual attraction only to the opposite sex for a portion of their lives, and later develop an attraction to others. Even if we assume bisexuality was inevitable, is it accurate to say they were always bisexual but something was wrong with them that prevented them from experiencing their sexuality normally? Or were they straight when they only had interest and relationships with the opposite sex? I don’t personally call myself asexual, but I am a sixteen year old with no sexual attraction or desire for sexual experiences, even though almost all my peers my age are sexual in some way. I don’t get anything out of labels, and I am very open to the idea that I my orientation will change when I get older, but even if it does, I don’t think it would be incorrect for me to call myself ace, or even say that I used to be.
I am asexual myself. I have never experienced sexual attraction, being horny or "wanting someone". To be honest for me it is sometimes hard to imagine that people actually feel something like that or think about these things. Best way I can explain it is when I say that someone is hot or sexy Im saying it objectively, but with someone else they actually feel someting and can mean it on a sexual level, which I will never understand. The funny thing about this is that most people don't understand how someone can be asexual but for me it is the other way around haha.
I find the idea of sex extremly disgusting and have also never watched any content in that direction. I even skip kissing scenes because they make me feel repulsed and extremly uncomfortable.
Many people pitty me for this but I'm honestly glad, sexual desires are such a weird concept to me and honestly seem stressful. I really don't wanna experience something like this tbh.
And yes I don't mind dying a virgin, it's kinda cool haha.
Its also interesting because I have never felt an attraction towards any fictional character in my life (and tbh also not anyone in real life) but I still really hope to eventually have a girlfriend and a really wholesome relationship.
Alright enough TMI for today, just wanted to share my experience :)
Love that for you. I sometimes wish I was Ace, sexuality kinda sucks
@@kirayoshikage1491 Thanks ^^ but what do you mean sexuality sucks?
Man, saaame. But I did read some sexual content (visual novels) because plot is good. But I can't imagine that characters do enjoy sex, they have such painful faces. It's messed up somehow.
I'm okay with my asexuality I just don't want to die lonely....
My experience is that high functioning autistic people have more empathy than normally disturbed people because we know more about the differences humans can have and we are constantly told about how normally disturbed people function and how to act like a normally disturbed person. We just can’t be empathetic verbally like ND’s can or “at the right moment”. We have to think a lot more about the situation. We are more practical, we want do activities like cooking for that person or go to a museum with that person, an amusement park.
Normally disturbed?
@@minder5066just equalizing the playing field, methinks
Where in the video is autism mentioned?
I am better being verbally empathetic over text but also awful at cooking for someone or asking to do activities lol
Autochorisexuality. That's not a term I've heard before, but I think it describes me quite well. I've never pursued anyone IRL and usually get off on writing smut stories between characters I invent. Been like this since I was a teenager. Thanks for this video. I've never had a word to describe this experience
I am like this also, the most popular term is aegosexual, and can also work for romantic attraction, then is called aegoromantic, I am both
@@katerinaptrv Actually ended up finding out about the term "aegosexual" after reading up on what was mentioned in this video. I recommend anyone else interested does so too. Thanks for sharing
I've actually read the definition before a bunch of times but this is the first time I begin to understand the meaning. I'm grateful for his explanation
I always thought I’d just… fall in love with someone and be attracted to them, but I’ve yet to fall in love when everyone else seems to do so very easily. I’ll stick to the fictional characters I guess
well the irregular menstrual cycle thing sure checks out. i always said its a good thing I'm rarely sexually active because I'd have no clue were I pregnant
Omfg same!!! Too funny
I'm very excited to watch Dr. K speak on this topic, there isn't much good material out there on yt on the subject of asexuality ♥️
whats wild to me is that even in lgbt spaces asexuality is almost shunned. you'd think there would be some acceptance but rarely do i see it. so its nice to see someone talk about it
I’m glad you did this stream! I didn’t discover I was asexual until maybe around 5 or so years ago. Before then, I just had no interest in sex or relationships in general. I thought it was just a me thing. I did have crushes, but I never felt like I wanted to be in a relationship with those people. More like I just wanted to see them and spend time around them. When I started getting older and people around started becoming more sexually active, I learned a lot about sex but again, I didn’t really particularly see myself doing that. Whenever my friends asked me if I ever felt attracted to anyone, if I ever got like horny and stuff, my answer was usually a variation of “I want them like I want to see a painting or listen to music” or “my attraction feels more like I want to sculpt them, draw them or make something with their essence”. I know it sounded weird but I had no idea how else to explain it. Like my attraction was NEVER sexual, it always involved creating something for them, doing something for them, seeing them happy and loving them in my own way. When I found out about asexuality, it all of sudden made all the sense. Especially relatable when people explained that they were mainly attracted to fictional characters lol.
I just started calling myself asexual now at 22 simply from the exhaustion of trying to explain this apparently alien idea of not being interested in partners nor sexual relationships so that at least I can get to choose the label I'm trapped inside of (because people have tried to define my problem and/or sexual orientation since forever without my permission). It's an interesting topic but it does feel annoying and displacing to have to "choose" a box to fit into. The social pressure pushed me to the point of forcibly (by myself) engaging in sexual situations with both men and women just to end up feeling an absolute lack of lust or expectation (despite feeling pleasure) and going home instead before anything truly happened and then feeling horrible and shameful for literally forcing myself to things I didn't want to do at all. At least I can say I tried.
This video is truly the first time I feel understood and backed up, whether I'm asexual or not, and it was very healing to watch.
I identify as a sex-positive gray ace. 99% of the time I do not feel sexual attraction, I do not think about sex in my day-to-day life, but I can become aroused and have an can enjoy sexual contact. I just explain it to people as I don't have "SEX" as a sim meter I need to fill. I don't become depressed or desperate in dry spells (though I do have history with GAD/panic and depression), masturbation is a tool to either relax or relieve so I can concentrate when the rare appetite arises. My fantasies are not pointed at specific people generally, just on sensations. And the bit about fictional characters is REAL LOL - I tell folks it's because the idea is more attractive than the reality, as that's most often the case in my reflection.
My therapist holds the theory that, because I often feel more sexual attraction when I am in a committed relationship where I feel safe, that some of my aceness may be, to a degree, a downstream effect of childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse. Sexual subjects were met with fear and shame in my formative years, and my emotional needs were more often a burden, which became unhealthy self-esteem and disregard for my own needs as an adult.
I offer these as data points to you, as someone in the Ace community and a therapy patient, to help academically or for anyone reading trying to understand themselves. I am more than willing to chat 💜🤍🖤 You are valid and you are not alone!
As a woman I want to let other women know that hormonal birth control (HBC) can decrease libido so much in some women, that they think they are asexual. So if you think you're asexual and also taking HBC, you might want to try quitting HBC first.
(Unless you were already asexual before taking HBC.)
Asexuality isn’t really about sex, but attraction
@@ganymede libido directly affects that
Or HRT?
Thanks for saying this, I used to be a horndog and then developed some unrelated health problems, like hormonal inbalance and thyroid problems (runs in the family) and one of the meds I was given for that, which worked great btw, was HBC, I went from having sex 5-6 times a week and masturbating the day off to maybe masturbating once and having no desire for anything else.
I was never told this could happen with HBC but have since come to find is a big factor, it costed me my relationship at the time but oh well, I sorted a lof of problems out, so it was worth it I think, but we really need to talk about this more often
Antidepressants, finasteride, lupron, isotretinoin cause same problem. It could be permanent.
Haven’t seen the vid yet but something that’s always missing from ace discourse is a template for how to live a long fulfilling life. What will my living situation be? Will I live with multiple roommates forever? Will I live with another ace person so that we can be mutually compatible? Will I marry a non-ace and let them be in an open relationship so they can have their needs met? All of these have pros and cons.
Those seem like odd questions to me as an ace, maybe because I'm also aromantic. But you can presume that your situation will be the same as that of a person who simply cannot find a permanent partner. Generally, that means living with family or roommates if you can't finance a solitary living. Those roommates may themselves not be asexual, who cares? Also, open relationships are a very personal thing, but I do wanna point out that sex is a want, not a need.
@@HunterTracks I don’t think it’s odd to want to think about your future. Remember that the allos and the straights especially already have a roadmap baked into their brains through socialisation. We have to do all this groundwork ourselves. I don’t know if I will be able to afford living alone first and foremost, and I don’t think we should spend a lot of time alone even as an aroace. I need regular human contact to be happy. We should be around people if we have an emergency too, we won’t be young and resilient forever.
And it completely matters that the roommates be ace too or else they’ll move out when they settle on a partner.
I have thought about all of these questions at some point. I came to the conclusion that if, at some point, I find my life to be lacking or somehow not as enjoyable with my current lifestyle (either living with a roommate, romantic partner, qpr, or alone), then I will want to change that. It's not something I can personally foresee with 100% accuracy, therefore what I feel in the future is not something I can account for and thereby nothing I need to intrinsically worry about now. One major question that garners that level of attention is whether or not you want to have biological children, as both men and women have a biological clock on that, but that's quite unrelated.
The problem with having this discourse on a broad scope is that it's such a personal thing. No one can tell you what will work for you based solely on your sexuality. Allo people don't all live the same way; why would ace? What's fulfilling to you is going to be very different than someone else, even if you check a few of the same identity boxes. There are so many factors at play, and pretty much all of them are on a spectrum.
i'm in my 40ties and haven't found an answer yet. the bank wouldn't give me and my sister (also ace and my best friend) a loan to buy a house together, because our relationship wasn't 'sustainable'. ooooh scary to think what would happen if one of us (both with a steady income) would want to leave! however two people who get horny about eachother and dive into marriage can get a loan immediately. as if the real chance of divorce doesn't matter.
I survived domestic abuse and my sex drive completely went. Ican't even think about it 😢
perfectly understandable. if you ever wish to experience it again i hope you find ways to become more okay with it. otherwise i hope things go alright for you, i'm glad you got out of that :)
So sorry to hear that. I wish you healing ❤ but just for the record, that doesn’t make you asexual. Asexuality is something you’re born with, it doesn’t stem from trauma.
I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist to help you move through your trauma. Wish you the best!
Then don't think about it
I have autism and I’m asexual and nonbinary. What Dr. K is saying is very true to my experience.
I found this channel a few days ago through a RUclips Short and I'm hooked. I love psychology and psychotherapy and this channel makes me love it more. You're very informative and I've been binge watching your videos since I discovered this channel. Thank you so much.
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. Libido may still be present. I like to explain libido without sexual desire with this metaphor. Imaging feeling hungry, but seeing food as unappetizing.
Many factors play into this and some of us have trauma, but it is important to note that asexuality is not Caused by trauma. Correlation vs Causation
I use food to try and explain asexuality to others also. Most people can understand that, and it is something I used to try and understand what others were experiencing when they talked about finding someone "hot" etc.
This was great. I grew up _highly_ religious & thinking I was asexual. I long battled with _aimless_ "same-sex sensuality," but it wasn't directed toward overt sexuality (yuck) & had no romantic dimension. In my mid 20's everything changed-I realized I was gay, emotionally isolated, ashamed of my attractions, & terrified of rejection. It wasn't until I acknowledged my latent desire & _accidently fell in love_ that literally _everything_ clicked together perfectly and every light turned on.
Oh man I truly hope I get through the shame and isolation of my same sex attractions. You give me hope. It’s not talked about how strong these emotions are and how they alter your brain, body and life.
@@mattb1568 I hope this for you too! There is light at the end of this tunnel. If you like books at all, there's a slender one called “Denial” by Jonathan Rauch I read last year. I'm not an emotional guy, but with every chapter I openly wept-it was the first time I had felt seen; it was the first time I had even seen myself. I still have issues, but my orientation is not one of them-it simply “is.” As with most people, attraction can be bittersweet, but thankfully now I see it to be the soul's hope of home. Be kind to yourself, let yourself appreciate without judgement, and when you’re comfortable, things will work themselves out.
I dated an asexual girl for a few years. When Dr. K said the bit about how they fantasize over fictional characters, he wasn’t lying. She constantly compared me to her book characters, it was almost creepy. She even wrote books with fictionalizations of who I was in real life. I never understood it. I look back on that relationship sometimes and wonder if it should’ve ended, but ultimately think that I was right in parting ways. She was an amazing human being, but I think the different ways in which we looked at our own relationship were very skewed and that made it hard. I wanted a loving, long-lasting, sexual relationship, while she wanted something more, as I would describe it, fictional. And there are people who can fit that bill for her, much better than I.
I would just die if anyone saw my fan fics. They are the only thing I really love but even I can understand that normal people find them too weird. for a relationship to work you both must be on the same page (ya its a pun, fan fics have pages! get it? Im sorry)
@@user-ec4yw5hj3r In what way is it a cope?
Because reality ist too dull for some people.
I'm asexual and I fantasize over fictional characters too, but that's just so weirdo behavior on her part. It's important to realize the difference between fiction and reality. That's also why it's generally accepted by everyone that it's creepy to write fan fiction shipping real people. Cus this kind of thing has caused real problems on the people they're writing
@@Bread_bread01 I still can't get over it how a fanfic nearly cancelled Xiao Zhan
this is an incredibly important conversation and I'm really thankful for this well-informed deep dive. I don't think enough people realize how vital the idea that asexuality is a valid variant of human sexuality is. I have talked to too many people who never even heard of the term growing up and who suffered for it because they thought something was fundamentally wrong with them- this can lead to massive dehumanization by your social circle, you're more vulnerable to sexual exploitation and there are even "ace conversion" camps out there, similar to gay conversion camps. I personally faced way more discrimination for being openly asexual than for my romantic attraction to all genders. My conservative mother took the latter relatively well, but when I told her I was asexual, she started crying. She still bugs me about it, 8 years later. It baffles me how obsessed allosexual people are with the lack of a sex life of other people- but I see huge potential for the normalization of asexuality in society going forward.
I think I just hate having to share my personal space in general that the thought of spending time with someone for the rest of my life is a commitment I don't want to partake in ever. That thought is just ingrained to me that I might see someone from the opposite gender as interesting but anything sexual is just an immediate no for me (due to the future implications that I don't want to deal with).
when he says stuff like ~you may not be asexual yet, get help you might can get fixed, its not too late to change, you should experience all aspects~ Is really harmful to the actual Asexuals so you are saying we are broken? Why are we framing it this way? Sex isn't a vital function of living for a singular human, why does it matter.. i'm just not interested, what is the big deal, I feel nothing to fix (From a romantic married(10yrs) asexual male)
I'm at the very beginning so I might edit this but so far in his presentation on how he is going to make this "deep dive" on the topic, I see a major issue. He seems to confuse libido and asexuality (lack of sexual ATTRACTION). I am sexual, I have a lot of libido. I self stimulate. What I don't have is sexual attraction towards people (or things). I do feel and I've been romantically attracted, but I am not attracted when they are there physically. I hopefully am wrong and he is going to talk about that but so far I'm skeptical...
EDIT: Yup, he is definitely wrong. He thinks some pathologies like hormonal imbalances (which I do have since I'm intersex) cause "lack of sexual attraction" but it is completely wrong. Yes, lack of libido is a symptom of different pathologies and even side effect for some medications but as stated earlier, this is NOT the same as "sexual attraction".
EDIT 2: I am autistic with alexithymia. I am a victim of sexual abuse and was sexually abused as a child. I am curious to how he is tying it to me being asexual...
EDIT 3: Dear doctor, you really need to learn more about autism because you are saying a lot of things that are very untrue. We do not lack empathy at all. You need to learn about the double empathy issue.
EDIT 4: The "explore" thing is valid for all kinds of sexuality. Just getting stuck in labels because we are afraid to explore isn't healthy. But why do you recommend it for asexuality and not heterosexuality, homosexuality, etc.? This is where you might be unaware you have cognitive bias.
EDIT 5: Spirituality isn't compatible with science as spirituality (and organized ones through religions) lies on Faith, which is belief without proof. Imho I don't get a person calling themselves a scientist and at the same time "spiritual". This just seems like cognitive dissonance.
EDIT 6: What causes the most problems in the world is greed and apathy, not lust.
High functioning autism was a weirdly dated term to trot out too. I haven't heard that since the 00s primarily as layman shorthand to describe people who are better as masking and therefore seen a more capable to neurotypical folks who cannot be bothered. In crueler circumstances, it was a more different shorthand for "but you don't look r-word" 💀
Was looking for a comment like this (rather boosting an existing one)
Hope he comes back to this after all of these comments.
I see the ace community being quite vocal here :)
Same with any relation between asexuality and autism. Above someone had a good comment about autism being linked with, in general, 'atypical' sexuality.
Yup. 100% @@stephanieok5365 Even the 3 support levels have been criticized. Because even though we might appear as lower or higher support need, it doesn't mean we can do (or not do) some things and it widely fluctuates and is different from one person to another.
nice to know you wrote a book for me! since finding out ADHD label covers most my issues and explains my 8yo behaviors. i've been scouring the innerwebs to find any help with my kid i can, so thanks! perfect timing for me and my kid.
For a community about mental health and uplifting others, the amount of shit being thrown at asexuals in these comments is wild
literally
What kind of things are being said?
@@Vextrove seems like about 1 in 20 comments are "lol this is just incel cope"
I have been identifying as asexual for around 10 years now, and I have sometimes wondered if labeling myself as that sometimes hurt more than helped because I would use it to try to explain to partners how I felt in a simple way, and sometimes I would fall short with it when it came to actual experience. But I have to say the asexual community is lovely and has helped me understand myself better, always reminding me that asexual is a wide term that includes so many different people, and its okay if you end up not being asexual, you have to be kind to yourself and let yourself be unashamed of how you feel sexually at the moment. My sexuality has definitely changed with the years and if at some point I find myself leaving the label behind it will be with a lot of gratitute, its given me space to grow a lot.
Ace person here! Ty for the explanations for those who arent aware of it, and being so patient and thorough. I think this is a great 101 video
Love the last 30 minutes especially... Fuck them tiktoks 😂😅
"Asexuals are better at dual wielding" is the best sentence i've heard, thank you
This is my first video of yours, and I love the way you combine the scientific/clinical perspective with a more human/natural form of communication. Incredible stuff and I'm excited to watch more. Thanks for the work you do!
I love these deep dives and really appreciate all the work that goes into them! They're fascinating. Thank you and happy holidays Dr. K
I think we need to be carefull about the argument that “if you are distress by it you might not be asexual and have something else” because my conclusion it is like when you are gay and you live in a lest say a very anti gay religious community, I believe you would be distress internally about thinking you are gay? Correct? For me I feel like asexuality can feel this way because we live in a world where as Dr K commented, seems to have difficulty understanding anything that is not sexual. If feels like a very lonely expierence and you can feel distress just wishing things were different because it would be so much easier. To be “normal”
Hey, fellow ace here. I think the reason Dr. K decided to go that route was in reference to the study where 3/25 (12%) people that were sampled remained Ace, and I believe for clinicians a "best practice" is whatever works for the largest group of people it's aimed at. Especially given that there are other potential parallels to asexuality that have shared experiences (HSDD, Hormonal imbalances, Trauma, etc).
However I'd agree that he should have used better rhetoric when exploring that question but in fairness he admits he is not an expert on asexuality. Ideally someone would emphasize your point while still covering the points I referenced. Anyway I hope you have a nice holiday & best wishes.
Yes he briefly hinted it is more complicated than that but that disorder may itself be biased to be anti-ace and the Psychiatric community may remove it from the DSM entirely in the form it is now one day. Having the exception for if you identify as asexual is a pretty recent development after all and it's an obvious issue because so many people just don't know identifying with asexuality is even an option.
Hello fellow asexual rams
Asexuality is nothing to do with libido or sexual desire. All my life I have never understood what made people attractive or not. I never understood teenage crushes on famous boy bands, I couldn't see what the fuss was about. Back then I didn't know much about the different categorisations. All I knew was girls got together with boys to get married and have babies. As I had absolutely no interest in having babies I never really felt the need to have a boyfriend. Males were attracted to me but I wasn't particularly attracted to them. So I didn't have many. I did get married but it didn't last long mainly because of my disinterest. People might say ... oh perhaps you are interested in women? Nope, not interested in them either. I have no interest in either. It was several decades later that I discovered the name for the way I felt, Asexual. Since discovering this, it has been very freeing and comfortable. I no longer feel the societal need for "must have a partner" of some kind and have been comfortably celibate once I found the name for the type of person I am. I no longer have to apologise for not having an interest or wanting any kind of sexual experience.
I would appreciate it if Dr. K used the term “the norm” instead of “normal” for allo people. It just comes off as saying us aces are abnormal.
That or 'typical' and 'atypical' I've also found better :)
(Hopefully also work for you)
bell curve
Man I just love to see so muhc content about asexuality! I hope this helps many people find out more about themselves, be it that they are or are not ace and understand it!
So, first of all, thanks for talking about this. Ace people don't get nearly enough representation, and it's cool to hear about all the scientific parts of it.
But... I didn't really like how you phrased some things. Especially when you said, "asexuality can be resolved." I don't deny that some people can think they're ace, but later find they aren't, or it can change or something. But we hear things like "oh you just have to find the right man/woman," or "you should go to the doctor, it's not normal", or "I can change you" every freaking day. A lot of ace people go through conversion therapy, and a lot of straight people think this is ok. And I think saying things like "asexuality can be *resolved*", while not technically untrue, enables this kind of behavior towards ace people.
Being ace doesn't mean you're taking an oath of celibacy. It's just a label, and it can be changed. The awfulness of conversion therapy can't.
I am late to this video and would like to say that although there is a lot of interesting information in it (especially about the theory of the mental wiring and process happening for arousal in people who are not asexual), there is quite a bit of misinformation or misrepresentation of the Ace community. So much that it would take me a very long time to go over it all.
I personally identify as somewhere on the Ace spectrum. My best guess at this point in time AFTER OVER A DECADE of self-reflection and research looking into Ace experiences is that I am demiromantic and demisexual (and pan for both of those). I figured I was Ace over ten years ago (that didn’t change) it’s just that my understanding of it refined over time and I added more specifics. I could explain how I came to this conclusion but that would also take me a long time and this comment is so long already.
One thing I will say is that I find it poor advice to say those who think they might be asexual should be more hesitant about labeling themselves as such because it “might change.” I know Dr. K said this while saying he doesn’t believe Ace identities are less valid, but that is what it implies. Would that same advice be given to people who have identified as gay, lesbian, straight, or anything else..? That they should wait before identifying with their label because it might change? Their labels could also change for several reasons after all and that one study about adolescents is not sufficient reasoning for this advice when Dr. K himself explained that there is extremely limited and poor research done on asexuality to begin with.
I would say the problem is gatekeeping personal labels (ANY LABELS) individuals make in good faith. Sexuality CAN be fluid, but it is not always and it definitely isn’t fluid for everybody. People label themselves the best they can at that point in their life based on the experiences and information they have. There is no reason to hesitate, except perhaps for safety reasons, if you feel your label is right. Neither should you be ashamed if your situation or the information you have to work with changes and you adjust your label accordingly. It would be immoral to invalidate the Ace community specifically by telling people they should hesitate about their label. Especially so if this advice is not given to any other sexual identity.
I think he was coming in from a spiritual perspective that all and any hard "labels" (not even just sexual orientation ones) can be transient and not fixed, and many brains can inadvertently end up tell stories about themselves that do not necessarily align with themselves, and that this bears further introspection. He talks about this all the time and it's not specifically saying that ace people should be more hesitant than others, and he straights up talk about "the flip side" where the reverse plays out (asexual person labels himself otherwise) in this video
For some people, it may be very black and white, but I personally don't see ace as equivalent to other orientations at all because hormones won't make you gay but they can make you ace. And some of us do like sex. We just don't feel sexual attraction. For me that was very confusing to figure out because of all the types of attraction and the fact that my ace friends were not sexual at all, so I didn't think I was one of them for years.
I also feel like most of his audience is young and don't necessarily understand themselves that well. Certainly not all of them. Hell, I'm 30, and I'm still learning every day.
@@carmandirda There is basically little to no evidence that hormones can make someone Ace anymore than they can make other people gay... As Dr. K explained there is a difference between Ace as an orientation and someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction due to other things going on in their body like past trauma, hormones, depression, etc. The behavior on the outside may look similar, but it is not generally considered the same thing as being Ace.
Also, the research on sexuality and sexual identities is still very far behind, but there have been some studies exploring the influence hormones have on several sexual identities, not just Ace people.
For example, a small number of trans people report experiencing a change in their orientation after going through hormone therapy. There is a potential correlation for sexual minority women to have more testosterone than their straight counterparts. Even research into how sexual identities develop has explored the influence of the hormonal environment that a fetus is exposed to in their mother’s womb. The little research done shows that hormones MAY play a part in developing or changing sexuality, but this so far has not been shown to be a unique experience only related to Ace people… Until that day comes (if it ever does), Ace identities should be considered just as valid as and equivalent to any other mainstream sexual identity. Period.
No one has a duty to have sex, even if they're in a relationship. You may have an obligation to at least try and get yourself in the mood at times but if that doesn't work, then you don't have to. If it bothers you to have sex then you absolutely shouldn't, and no one should enjoy sex knowing the other doesn't enjoy it.
Great video, very interesting subject, but I didn't agree with that part.
...you have not been in a relationship have you, buddy?
@@alphakowaclips probably not they accused me of advertising for commenting on another video I think they are bitter because they are not chasing something they want tbh
@@alphakowaclips you don't own sex to your partner either if you genuinely don't want to have sex lol. If it's not coming from a mutual agreement (either to have sex or to contribute to another one's pleasure), it's a violation. You are dating a real person, not a sex toy.
@@kymbbm that's fine of course as long as you don't have an expectation that your partner won't end the relationship as a result. If 97-99% of people aren't ace, you can kind of expect those same people to not be interested in a sexless relationship realistically (maybe some fringe cases of course).
@@kymbbmNobody ever thinks like that though. You're fighting ghosts. Some people want sex from their partners and that's okay. If you can't provide that, then don't be surprised if and when I leave you. Am I wrong?
The view in 1:16:20 about experiencing what life has to offer is interesting, and I respect it. On the other hand, as someone who has identified as asexual for almost 20 years, my personal taste is that I find it simpler to just not have to worry about strong desires that appear to cause a lot of disharmony for people whether acted upon or not.
I don't know if this has been covered on this channel before but I'd LOVE a deep dive into the different types of attraction (sexual, romantic, aesthetic, etc), therefore also difference between for example asexual and aromantic because those terms are not synonyms. Also that libido is a term on it's own (there are asexual people with high libido just as there are heterosexual people with low libido). Just from listening to what he said on stream about spirituality and him reaching higher spirituality, to me it sounded more like he was talking about lower libido than actual asexuality. BUT that's obviously just what I personally gathered, I don't know his actual experience, that could be fun and super interesting to talk about some more :D If thats okay with his ego ofc
Another thing I would like to add specifically to the Asexuality Deep Dive is that if you are asexual that doesn't necessarily mean that you do not have sex. I'm adding this because even tho the jokes about making an ad for a parenting book in a stream about asexuality are super funny, people who really know nothing about asexuality might not know about the nuances.
Sexuality just is about sexual attraction, meaning Asexuality is the experience of little to no sexual attraction. What you actually do with that can differ. The most common thing I have heard of in the ace community are that there are probably three types of asexual people: positive towards sex, neutral towards it, or repulsed by it. The latter would mean that you rather not, neutral that you are okay with it, for example if you are in a relationship with an allo person, and positive if you actively seek it yourself cause to you it's a fun activity and brings quite some dopamine, let's be real :D
That being said, the stream was so much fun I loved the neuroscientific part! Also I absolutely agree that sticking to labels can be quite damaging and you could start holding youself back. While it's nice to know that there are people out there who feel the same or similar way like you it's also important to allow change for yourself and your identity.
Oh and "I'm asexual, just like some rams!" will definitely be used in a future conversation 😂😂
I am very thankful for your hard work and effort you put into each video of yours. There is something lingering in my head for a long time now but because of work and Other responsobilities i wasnt able to deal with it.
For a few years i struggled to find something Worth living for.
Or to put it in different words i feel like there is no Extertal trigger to wake me up and giving me a reason to flourish and living up to my full potential. I feel like there are always paths to walk on but they were already used by others. I am not able to feel that i am doing something meaningful when there is always a guide out there who had gone through it already.
There is no surge in Dopamine and therefore motivation to continue.
Seems accurate. In my ace experience I kinda just don't care. I'm ok with it, but I'm never like "yes, this person. Let's go" . Not depressed, not anxious. Have hella ADHD but it's controlled. It's just, I dunno I like hugs and physical content and most people are pretty enough it's just most of the time no one really strikes any hunger drive. (I get the impression horny is like hungry for most)
Thanks for recommending exploration. After some struggles, my husband found out through a blood test that his hormones were completely off, and he had a pituitary tumor.
I enjoyed this, but I really hated how "everyone else" was referred to repeatedly as "normal". There's nothing more "normal". We all exist on a spectrum of variance in human sexuality. Authority figures really need to be more careful with how they are wording things. Even "People considered to have 'normal' sexual attraction/behaviour" would have been better. At least there is actual pause for reflection.
This was such a great video. The list of features and correlations was very eye opening. I'm 40 now and have struggled with this my whole life, with no name for it until the last few years. Now seeing this list of features that fits me to a T, wow. It's so reassuring.
I was just looking for a vid about this from you! I really enjoy your deep dives and having one on something I've discovered about myself only recently is really cool!
I'm only 43 minutes into the video, but I'm a little disappointed over the lack of inclusive language regarding the subject.
Using "normal" to describe sexually active people.
Describing pathological reasons to a 'lack' of sexual attraction as "what is wrong with us", while a common experience for asexuals is feeling broken or guilty about this. Describing having sex against one's own desires as "performing your duty" to a partner.
Mentioning not asking his patients "what turns them on", because that would be invasive, but asking "what do you fantasize during 'self love'?" instead. (Feels much more like an invasive question to me.)
Ngl, the vibes feel a little off for me on this one. Feels like some more research would've been great for a video that is introduced as educational.
Normal is only an issue if you accept the premise that different = bad
Yeah, all those 30 hours of research and no sensitivity reader/listener to run it by first to catch the most obvious whoopsies. 💀
Oddly, the best wording I've ever heard was from burlesque communities, which often do parody of sexual expression: what brings you pleasure? Pleasure can exist with or without sexual aspects.
agree
I was frustrated too by his lack of understanding about the meaning of the identities he names. It feels as though he did not feel that those identities are valid enough to spend time learning about.
I’ve been avoiding this one because I’m a little scared that this will be the one video where Dr K messes up because asexuality is such a difficult topic for non-aces to get right… let’s go 🤞🏻
How was it?
Been waiting for this.
I'd be happy to see a deep dive about autism, but not about interpersonal issues, but how to live with it and not burn out, how the autistic brain works and how to make it work. It's very hard to relate to Temple Grandin for a high functioning person who didn't even get more time on exams for dyslexia. What I find puzzling is how we receive instructions how to make everyday life work that work for neurotypical people, but never for a person who has an autistic brain. Lots of advice is also very behavioural, I have a very high IQ, I figured it all out already, how I'm supposed to act and tbh I've never had major social problems, but I repeatedly burn out. I feel like social problems are being talked about a lot in general but not how to feel okay and make your brain work. It has made a huge difference for me in every aspect of my life to try to address sensory overwhelm e.g. avoid crowd, get ANC headphones and use them, but I'm still not quite there yet. I was told I have anxiety and was subject to CBT that had negative impact on me repeatedly. I couldn't manage the emotions that result from sensory overwelm and they ate me from the inside. Also how is it possible to fulfil all of the repetitive behaviour criteria and almost none of the social? It's not even that I mask or try very hard, I do have empathy, maybe too much of it. I'm actually very skilled with people. Unless there is a crowd around me and I can't hear a thing and panic about bumping into someone. I have tried various hearing aids atm and none of them seem to help.
I'm glad there was mention of how to be charismatic in another video without making it about eye contact, though, I appreciate and found it helpful :)
So great to hear Dr K tackle this topic. Being asexual, I have to consciously remind myself that other people are sexual beings since that doesn't come naturally to me. I definitely prefer thinking about fictional characters and don't really fantasise about real people. Being asexual adds to feeling of being an alien but I never had a problem with that. It's who I am and I'm happy with it ❤
I'm not sure if I agree with the sentiment of not telling others the achievements you have, specifically for progressing your career, because there are very few industries where pure meritocracy progresses you. In my company, bosses are usually oblivious because they're so busy. So you can be the best performer in the team, but if you don't tell them how awesome you are, you don't get promoted. So I don't think holding positive stuff inside will compound it, not always. Sometimes to sow the seed of success you have to broadcast your wants to the world.
Yeah, I think keeping things to yourself will only work if it's about something you already have all the tools to achieve in isolation and you wouldn't benefit from collaboration or networking. And only a small percentage of things are like that.
Lots of career advice to women is to tell your boss what you have accomplished rather than wait and hope they notice. So I agree you want to “toot your own horn”, and I’m sure there is research about this topic out there.
I'm a trans girl. I take anti androgens. I'm definitely not asexual, but I'm temporarily graysexual. I want sexual activity but it just doesn't drive me that much. I don't feel that spontaneous arousal.
I'm a trans guy. I have always been ace. I have never had any of the tingling down under until starting T at 20, (46 now). IT WAS HORRID! I still never had random attractions that led to becoming physically aroused but I'd get "hard-on's" that would last for hrs, stop for a couple hrs, then come back full force. No amount of self-service could qwelch it. I am assuming that what I experienced was how a "naturally" developing male would feel with the onset of puberty, as after 6 months of adjusting to T, I was back to being ace. I'm just not attracted to anyone upon looking at them. I have discovered also that I am demi and do not experience any physical attraction to a person until AFTER I know the person. I'm more attracted to the personality of someone than their physicality. And if I am to be attracted to someone physically, the intellectual and emotional conection components have to come first.
@@overlordfemto7523 > "little girl"
> dude literally wrote he's 46
@@overlordfemto7523 me when i know nothing about a topic and project my weird fantasies onto other people:
great content as always thanks DrK
I was talking to my friend about sex drive, sexuality and relationships. I talked about how I have the vague interest to be in an intimate relationship with someone, but I don't have any drive to make anything happen with anyone I'm interested in. even if we start talking, I often just stop caring after a time. the topic eventually moved to masturbation and I explained how fairly infrequently I engage in said activity, or how sometimes I'll "get bored" halfway through and won't finish. He asked if I was asexual. the question got me thinking. it might explain some stuff. there definitely were quite a few things that resonated with me in this video.
It's really something to spend your whole life wondering if there's something wrong with you and then have you immediately mention things I've never told anyone about right off the bat lmfao. Fantastic video, loved this. Thank you.
Thanks for the incredible info Dr. K!
Thank you so much for this deep dive! it's so interesting as a demisexual which has become so confused through various situations hahah, lots of people ask me how that works on the brain and I say honestly "I have no idea" so it helps me understand myself a little bit better.
I would really really love a deep dive into derealization/depersonalization!