"The person who is 'The One' is going to be okay with the fact that you're not perfect. Because a good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together; it's about two people who are works-in-progress helping each other in a positive way."
A great point. Something I hadn't even been aware of up until very recently - the fact that my parents modeled an absolutely horrific, inauthentic, toxic relationship for me and I just had to assume that that's the way it's done. Good thing I'm able to move forward, also thanks to Dr. K. and his content
I resonate so much with this guy. I literally try to sabotage every connection that I had, whether it be romantic or platonic, because I know how much I invest in the people I love and the possibility that it will eventually go to waste when they leave is just so frightening to me. In romantic relationships, I would always end up thinking I'm not good enough for them and that they deserve better, then I realized that those were just excuses I made up to what I thought was a valid reason to leave. I tried doing that too with my current boyfriend but it didn't work because he knows that it's not me, but my fears speaking up, and he was really willing to work it out with me. Now, I just take it day by day with him. Just focusing on the present makes me appreciate the time I spend with him and makes me less anxious but more excited of what else we could do tomorrow. I try not to think as far ahead because it just ruins the moment. My boyfriend is part of this community and he’s also the reason why I began watching Dr. K and started gaining self-awareness. I’m very thankful to this community because it continuously educates me and helps me articulate my thoughts and feelings better. I can say that I am in a much brighter place right now, and I hope that you are too. But if you feel like you aren’t, just know that it takes time. Just keep going. And to my Gil, You’ll probably watch this video and scroll through the comments when you wake up. Thank you for being patient with me.
I feel like it's important to focus on just having fun with a person first before going balls-to-the-wall commitment. Like yes obviously you're both looking for something long term like most of us are, but if you're going to commit to someone long term you should probably feel comfortable with them first before going in headstrong with the idea of "I might marry this person one day". I know it's dumb to say lighten up and just enjoy the dating rather than the end results, but sometimes it's as simple as just turning your brain off and having fun with a person.
Hahah balls to the wall 🤣 having fun at the beginning is important because when the going gets tough, you’ll both want that fun side of each other again as a goal and to find your way again, re-ignite the flame etc. What you said is super important.
Personally, I can only date someone if I want commitment. I have friends & myself for fun lol, so it's otherwise a waste of time & energy. Has this resulted in commitment for me? No. But I don't need to have an "other" to enjoy life.
i completely relate to this, whenever i find something that I like or am intrested in I just make up random bullshit that would make me give up on said thing.
dont be too hard on yourselves. really think about it: we all have the tools to be successful in this day and age. literally, it’s overwhelming. analysis paralysis is real. we fall into the wrong major. college isnt even 100% necessary. everything is not what it seems. try not to generalize that you sabotage EVERYTHING. I doubt that! we all sabotage a lot in our lives, unintentionally. but we are only human, SO MUCH is out of our control. sorry im rambling but it’s ok to try diff things. change ur mind, w.e. u dont have to box yourself in, ever
I think we use the term sabotage, but in my case it feels like a lot of things that look perfect turn out to be mirages or terrible, I did the same thing, I started dating people I liked, and something weird steps in, but something is off that ruins it. For me it was finding a couple guys that seemed awesome, but they turned out to be total flakes. This has happened over and over. Don't get it.
@@PervertHoover2so, you are dealing with a blindspot. I too tried to connect and grow together with two flakes. Then I undocked, and now I am collaborating with 3 non-flakes. The results are great - I am fixing my financials, building a new career and launching on a long term growth plan. The reason for me to start being friends with flakes was the fact that I used to be a flake myself. I started changing and now I can't be friends with flakes anymore. 2 days ago, a new flake appeared near me and he tried to become friends with me. I politely evaded - again - because I am not a flake anymore. You need to dig deep into your situation and figure out the root cause, which pushed you into networking with those 2 flakes. This is your blind spot sbd you need to shine light on it. Maybe, rhe word "self sabotage" is not correct for all instances of such things. I like the word "blind spot" because it points to the fact that you don't know something about yourself. We are often conditioned to believe that we know ourselves well. This is BS - lots of people don't have a clue, and I am learning to see myself the way I am and keep building the right path.
It's almost scary how fitting all these issues lately are to my situation. Makes me think it's probably pretty common and we might cut a lot of people some slack ^^°
I feel the same but with a career, it was scary how I could relate but in a different situation I can’t choose something to pursue even if it interests me because I keep thinking of the possibilities of failing, and the “red flags” of oh this would be too tiring oh this is not something I think I’ll be good at and so on. And because I don’t have “experiences” in completely failing and trashing my life then it terrifies me to do so
@@iridescentsolace please go fail and fail hard. you come out at the other end of it a new person, not tiptoeing & walking on egg shells. Fully run into that brick wall- like a cartoon, your teeth will shatter and spill out- but they will reappear cuz life just goes on friend u can go fail no one will hate u. that’s another thing- your real friends come out when you’re on your pursuit. ppl will get in your way, you will get in your way. u may even get depressed and lose money. it’s still worth it. life is too short
The level of introspection and honesty here is impressive. This can even be applied to situations that aren't relationships and are thoughts I've seen arise in other areas that I struggle with. This was very useful to listen to
Being 32 soon, its nice to hear from a slightly older member of the community, as i relate a bit more. Definitely in a very similar situation myself where i feel like i've achieved good things, but its not making me anymore confident inside.
Thats the most painfull part. Busting your tail off and against all odds to get where you are today. Only to not feel a shred better for it. Yeah that is saying alot about your ego and self-esteem
@@onnol917 It feels somewhat relieving to know my achievements aren't correlated with confidence, or i'll always feel i need more and more, and that sounds exhausting. Im starting to notice my resistance to negative emotion and a lot of what im shooting for is motivated by fear or avoidance of negative consequences.
@@Balloonbot have you found any motivation from positive aspects of your life? Negative motivation is negative but also very devestating when you don't get what your after
@@rhinoman86 thanks for your story. I am in a similar situation as you. What I found out most is to face the pain, nothing feels better then overcoming the internal barriers.
I just started the video and as per usual scrolled comments and I'm surprised how no one so far didn't mention attachment style where for this guy it SCREAMS avoidant (or fearful avoidant), and I know it because I'm the same and I'm actively working on healing it. Sabotaging your relationships by keeping a distance (with devaluating your partner by seeing mostly bad things in them for instance) is a book example of avoidant attachment style so I'd recommend everyone to read more about it :)
Yesssssss! This is classic fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant attachment style. Check out the Personal Development School, they have courses that help you identify and heal your attachment style. And there are a bunch of videos by Thais Gibson and Heidi Priebe that are super helpful for learning about attachment styles and how to be in relationships.
There's also partial dissociative disorder (PDD) which means you have essentially two people in one brain. One is functional and the other is traumatised. The trauma personality can sabotage the efforts of the functional personality. The guest described what sounds like clarity, which is unusual for avoidants. It's more common with PDD because the lucid and matured aspect recognises the immaturity of the traumatised personality. The traumatised aspect can be avoidant (or attachment) so I'm not discounting your comment. But when someone like this describes their own insecurities and shortcomings so clearly, it's likely they have a part of them which is outside looking in. That's classic PDD.
@@nicjolas if you got to work hard to get people to notice you, it makes you believe that if you were to do nothing then no one would look at you, as if there is nothing in you worth looking at. And if you do put effort and succed at getting attention, then it doesn't feel deserved because you had to work hard for it, they're looking at your efforts, not at you.
Really appreciate this trend of having more people on who have already done much of the work in terms of introspection and self improvement but now need that next level of help to get where they want to be. I still have issues for sure but I've done so much personal work that I struggle to find someone as 'emotionally healthy' or at least as committed to getting there as me which I now know is something I need in a relationship.
How much "emotionally healthy" ppl do u know in general? How confidently do you feel about being "emotionally healthy" yourself? Ppl go through stuff and often have internal battles everyday and don't want to talk about it. I mean, not being compatible partner of someone with certain mental disorders/illness or trauma is fine, but you might find happiness in someone that can give you love and respect for most of time and also, everyone has bad days anyways. (I almost discarded comment, but for the small chance it could be helpful, I'll post. The questions are intended more for engaging thinking than for real conversation. )
@@matijaderetic3565 Just to be clear, by emotionally healthy I don't mean someone who has no emotional issues and is just completely stable all the time, I mean someone who has put in the work to find healthy ways to approach managing their mental health. Because that's where I feel I am at right now. I absolutely still have depressive episodes and occasionally turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I am so much better at noticing that in myself and re-grounding myself than I used to be, and have found it really difficult to communicate effectively with people in romantic relationships who either do not yet see the value in examining their own emotional states and triggers, or simply haven't learned the skills. I really appreciate your point about everyone having bad days, and realise my comment may have come across as dismissive of people still struggling or as having a superiority complex for having gone to therapy and seen positive outcomes, but that certainly wasn't what I was trying to convey. That would certainly make me a massive hypocrite. I just want someone who is on the same page as me, not someone who had finished the book entirely if that makes sense. And I pass no judgement onto those who are still in the earlier chapters because lord knows I've been there.
Same here. I'm in a similar place. My biggest fear is that since I always feel five years behind, it's almost like I don't want therapy if it'll only put me in the right place by the age of 35. I'd rather jam my issues into a closet and try to brute force my way into the pretty cardboard ad successful life I wish I had today at 29.
This was extremely helpful for me personally. I've been single for 10 years now precisely for the same reasons discussed in this video, so this really opened my eyes and even prompted an emotional response from me.
I think the root of Trent's insecurity is that growing up he was unable to "manage" his parent's emotions, for which he felt responsible, as he mentioned around 37:58. Of course, he was unable to succeed at managing this responsibility. The best he could do was be a "good boy". It's possible that for Trent, being a good boy meant, first and foremost, to be a responsible person. He "just got by" in a school, one of the lowest responsibility periods of life, only becoming more responsible "by necessity" when he ventured out into adult life. Perhaps Trent was unconsciously motivated to become more responsible so that he could learn how to manage other people's emotions, or at the very least, become unlike his parents. He wanted to become someone who does not need "reassurance and help" from others; someone whose "very good at being alone". Perhaps he thought he could learn to be responsible for others by becoming responsible for himself, or wanted to avoid placing responsibility for himself upon others at all, unlike his parents did to him. Trent hides his need for reassurance and help, fearing that it will scare others away (because it scares him). Perhaps his parents had, at times, needed reassurance and help, which Trent describes now as being responsible for their emotions. As a child, he didn't know how to provide this reassurance and help, and so was left feeling "not good enough". The red flags Trent sees could simply be potential partners behaving in ways that remind him of his parents when they were emotionally vulnerable, needy or even demanding. This scares him away, because he had been unable to provide his parents adequate reassurances and help, and even believes these needs in himself are so undesirable that he seeks to conceal them from others. Trent's comfort zone is living a life where he is responsible for himself, and I should think that he would regard an ideal partner - "the one" - as a woman who has "put in the work" (on herself); who can handle her side of the relationship; who is, like him, very good at being alone. Trent finds it easier to "trauma bond" and "queue unranked" because in the former scenario, he needs only relate and sympathize over shared experiences, while in the latter situation, he's confident that he won't ever reach a point where he feels a sense of responsibility for someone else; a situation in which he hasn't "put in the work", and so lacks the experience and the confidence to manage a relationship that requires more from him. As a result, he naturally worries that he may "fail" in a relationship where his partner's needs - especially her emotional needs - become partly his responsibility. Interestingly, when Doc hypothesised a woman who mirrored Trent; the "good girl" to his good boy, who is still single(!?)- and asks what Trent would think about her, he says that he would think that something is wrong with her, matching his attitude towards himself, but oddly enough, he puts down the woman's lack of relationship success to "not prioritising being with somebody". He does not see that this describes his own situation perfectly. He has prioritised working on himself, on becoming very good at being alone, rather than becoming very good at being with somebody. The most useful wisdom for Trent imparted by Dr. K came at 39:35. That sums it up pretty well. Other than this, I think a lot of Dr. K's analysis here didn't quite land at the root of the insecurity. I think he sometimes he gets too excited with his narratives and gaming analogies, and projects a pattern on the guest that doesn't really quite seem to hit the nail on the head, in my opinion. He did hit near enough though, I think.
Good post. I find sort of the mirrored-cause situation to be relevant to myself. I didn't feel responsible for my parents emotions, but rather the opposite, that they couldn't give me reassurance or have time for me, leading to almost the exact same behavior. When I meet someone I like, I feel like a burden and withdraw, thinking the best way that I personally could contribute to their happiness is to remove myself from their life.
@@Krisenaa I'm sorry to hear that. As Dr. K would say, "What I'm hearing is..." it sounds like you may have interpreted your parent's apparent inability or unwillingness to provide you with the reassurance and support you needed as proof that you are unworthy of it; proof that you are nothing but a burden. Perhaps it's a case of preferring the comfort of certainty, as Dr. K has pointed out in some of his videos. It's familiar and comfortable for you to hold onto the belief that you are unworthy of having these needs fulfilled. It's foreign and unsettling to put yourself in a situation where you might find out that you actually are worthy; that you aren't a burden. You might be worried that if you let your guard down and start to let yourself believe you're worthy, and it somehow doesn't end well (the relationship)... Well, that's a scary thought, to have the rug pulled from under you when you just started to trust and let yourself believe it might be true. Does that theme ring a bell, and do you think it might have some relevance to you?
I remember this one line in Good Will Hunting that spoke to me when I watched it. It was Robin William’s character Sean, and he said, “Guess what sport, you’re not perfect. And this girl you’re interested in? She isn’t either. But it doesn’t matter that you’re perfect. What matters is if you’re perfect for each other. And the only way to know for sure is to give it a shot.”
32F and I'm in the exact same rut. This was a great conversation to listen to, and hits closer to home than usual. Kudos to Dr. K and "smooth voice" Trend. XD
I can 100% relate, I am 24 and had 2 opprtunities to get into relationship, but all of a sudden when I realized that, my mind started making up arguments why I should not be with this person and strated to distance myself.
I have the same trust sabotage issues cuz I had to force myself rn in my mid teens to pull away from my parents cuz of how dysfunctional their relationship with me was, so I fear others will not be for me cuz the ones I grew up with aren't.
im catching myself doing that right now. We get along great, there's chemistry, but i keep nitpicking and second-guessing and telling myself there's no chance it lasts because xyz details
It’s not failure I fear; it’s success that terrifies me. Trend is full of potential; but I know man it’s so hard to unlock it. This is a good one; listen to it.
This was a really great call and great respect to Trend opening up like that. One of the main takeaways I got from this call is to beware of "what-if's" getting in the way of taking action, fear of losing a good relationship "because this thing or that thing could go wrong." Ergo overthinking, perfectionism, analysis paralysis. There was a lot to learn from this call, and I appreciate Trend and Dr. K going through this together. There are lot of us men in Trend's place looking to uncomplicate our minds and personal baggage, real or imagined. Thank you for putting this up.
That ranked-unranked analogy is on-point. I don't even accept friend/clan/fireteam requests in games anymore, because what if they want to team up, and they see how much I suck? Or worse, we lose because of me? I guess this is why I always stick to single-player games, or matchmaking lobbies when playing online. And probably why I don't really have any friends. The irony being that some of those requests are probably from people who see how *good* I am at the game, and *want* me on their team. It's also probably why I try to avoid any and all risks in life, especially those that require responsibility, especially managing other people. Damn. I don't always agree with Dr. K, but this analogy has given me something to think about. Maybe I'll take more risks in the future (small ones, to start with).
I act like this but about my education and career progression…the higher I go the more angsty and self sabotaging I get. Then I feel terrified because, of course, I need my job to live…. Thanks so much for being so transparent and allowing us to have this conversation Trend
From my point of view, it's all (mostly) in his head. Sure, there may be some girls who would say "why is he still single? there must be something wrong" but I'm sure there are plenty of others who would say "I like this guy, and he's single, this is awesome!"
Shoutout to Trent for being so insightful/self observing and sharing it with the community ! I believe he represents perfectly what kind of people HGG is helping everyone in the community to become (if that makes sense). Loved the meta conversation at the end on the the idea of "fixing oneself". Will definitely come back to this video, immensely helpful !
I talked in therapy about how I keep self-sabotaging my sleep and my therapist was like "why do you keep using that phrase, you've said it 4 times today" and i guess self-sabotage is just. The phrase this week that a lot of people are really focusing in on... Lol. But yeah I really like the concept of acknowledging that the thing that prevented you from reaching whatever your goal was was.... Your own choices. Sabotage is a verb. It's an active thing you do. You didn't try but fail. It's not who you inherently are that couldn't achieve the end result either. It's just because you chose this one particular action or set of actions that you didn't end up with the result that you yourself wanted. Self-Sabotage is a useful framework for people because instead of "it makes no sense why you would have worked against yourself" it kinda offers an explanation. Like that you purposefully did things because on some level you wanted to sabotage the plans. Because you were afraid of success or dreading something else.
I genuinely can't see myself as someone who is worth it or can offer anything worthwhile to make a person happy, I sincerely have so little in my own life and I am stricken with this inexplicable terror at the thought of dating someone that I let myself be ghosted or abandoned very easily with the few women I've talked with, and even outside of relationships, I struggle to focus with work and writing and I simply don't believe I have much of any benefit as a human being. I don't even know where this hopelessness and lack of self-esteem came from.
THANK YOU so much for this ! (am watching right now) I'm a woman who thinks she might be aromantic and even non-monogamous in the long run. THIS is such an important talk, as many psychologists, at least in my area, might not understand the possible aromanticism (Why am I like this ?? Even though I do have reasons that pertain to tr@uma) and me not necessarily wanting marriage, kids.. I have only had 1 serious relationship and am 30+ , even decently attractive and with a good job, the relationship happened because an attractive and funny guy, friend of a friend, approached me, appreciated me for who I was and was generally a good guy. I'll keep listening.. So far, with his fears and insecurities, Trent is ME ! (I probably have more fears, but they encapture his) this is SO SO important, cause there are nuances that not many therapists understand.. In my area, generally, many people are 'backwards', like, me also being a woman 'How can you not want marriage or kids ?' and very few therapists would know about the existence of aromanticism in itself. But it's all a nuanced thing, because there can be another problem that keeps you from having a relationship. Mine probably pertains to tr@uma with the opposite gender, from childhood in the family + my mom always being unhappy in the marriage and then there was school, too (bu11ies) and I put up a big sign for myself in my mind 'A man will not make me happy' (even though my ex was a good guy, also a bunch of male friends. But the tr@uma was too big and I see them as exceptions, in a way)
Trent, so great you came on and talked so honestly about this. I resonate a lot with what you said. This episode is defenitely going in my "Important Favorites"-playlist. :)
I identify so much with the pain of others saying to you "but you're such a nice guy" "how do you not have a gf? You have so much to offer" "it's not right that you're single, a guy like you should be with someone" people mean well but it just cuts so deep. Anyway I'm sure I've unintentionally said hurtful things to others as well, at the end of the day we have to introspect and not take things too personally. I think it can jar with someone's world view when they see a "good guy" all alone and they rush to blame society or assume something is wrong with you. In reality there's just our own roadblocks that they are not aware of, nor can we expect them to be. Anyway trent I'm in a very similar place as you my guy, thanks for having the courage to come on this show to talk through these things.
Wow... This speech really gave me chills. Im realizing that I was looking for confirmation from others which is why I seeked success and I was trying red flag relationship to continue just for the sake of getting confirmation from other people. In the end it always comes from childhood traumas. Its good that I started working on myself and thank you the girl who broke up with me for opening my eyes and saving from further diseases and problems.
I feel like so much of his fear comes from a misunderstanding on what a relationship actually looks like. And I say this because ita something I struggle with. But when you are in a relationship and like someone you dont end the relationship because you notice a flaw. Everyone is flawed, its unhealthy to expect perfection from yourself or your partner. But i feel like kids from broken homes who have maybe seen a relationship being held onto for too long have an instinct to immediately break off things whenever there is any issue noticed because they dont want in the long run for their relationship to fail once they are too invested like perhaps their parents. Just my 2 cents
I am a Trent, but not the Trent in this video :) I think a big fear of "success" in dating is feeling like everything is on a one-way track to marriage and that every single day things get better, it is just going to hurt more if it ends. I think this is really true for men who don't want to feel like they are leading women on.
I am a Trent too. We don't want to be the bad boy breaking women's hearts. After engineering college I went to Asia and all these college girls wanted to date me and marry me. We would go for dinners and movies etc. I always moved to a new city or something, because if I have a serious relationship with a girl and then break up with her, I'd be doing something immoral. One time a Chinese college girl wanted to have sex and get married and I refused because I have to run my business - she said you can just run my father's factory, you don't need to worry about money. Now I'm 36 and broke, and I don't understand, why am I alone? Where are the college girls? Why are my friends so busy with their families they don't have time to chat to me? Who the hell do I talk to now? It's like some kind of hell, just me by myself in my apartment all day every day, what happened to other people?
@@hufficag just graduated college and in a less dramatic situation but similar. If it helps, I've had to learn how to reach out to people instead of expecting other people to come by like in college classes and stuff. It's been hard, difficult to adjust to since no one teaches you to do that, and forced me to actually learn more about myself instead of who I think I am. So I've had to sacrifice the idea of something immediately paying off for the reality of making the most out of what's possible today to do.
@@francischic7854 Yeah I used to ride my motorcycles and chat to strangers in Chinese and Japanese and it was fun making friends. I never cared about people leaving my life because there were so many new people entering my life every day. But now society changed, everyone seems to be stuck at home, and I only have a bicycle and there's nowhere to go. Well everyone seems happy to be stuck at home alone or with their girlfriend/wife, but I just can't adjust to it. It's madness.
I feel like after this discussion Trent or Trend (sorry for mispelling!) put it all together and found his person soon after. He knows how to articulate how he feels and willing to learn from his mistakes ....and that's a great start in any relationship dynamic. 👌🏽
Still listening to the video, but as he describes his dating life, it sounds exactly like the profile of someone with avoidant attachment. Down to the pattern of nitpicking partners and finding “flaws” as a reason not to be with them. It’s called deactivation. I know because i was one too and worked to overcome it. Edit: The speech at 22:00 about not wanting people to see his vulnerable side is textbook
Yeah, that's spot on. I've been there. I remember meeting this one girl and after some time I told her that I'm afraid of the relationship. She told me it was ok. It's ok that it might not work out and I should not put pressure on myself. I felt such a relief after hearing that. Although it didn't work out because of my sabotage, being open to trying made me learn a lot of things about myself.
Yes you're absolutely right, he described textbook avoidant attachment style and needs to work on being more secure. He is going to sabotage any good thing that comes his way. It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy, and like Dr. K said if the perfect girl came tomorrow he's. He's not confident or ready for her, really. Not unless he tries extra hard to fight his own instincts. But also it's weird how relatable so much of this video is to be, someone enjoys anxiously attached and has been burned by dating 2 avoidant partners and 1 who was more anxiously attached than me. I don't want to be in that dynamic again so maybe it's caused me to become more avoidant. Idk.
Hey, nice observation! As someone who’s realizing that I’m also most likely a Fearful-Avoidant, knowing that other people like you and Trent are putting yourselves out there gives me hope that I can do the same one day. Also, if you don’t mind me asking, what steps did you take that helped you heal? You don’t have to get specific or anything, just a general idea.
@@PaygunFGC Hi! I'm not OP but I'm also a FA. There are a lot of resources available on r/attachment_theory. From what I've read, Thai Gibson's videos seem to have helped people a lot, along with books such as Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown; Attachment Theory by Thais Gibson; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples (I forgot the author sorry, but it starts with Elizabeth); and there's this one book about anxiety that I read although it's on my laptop rn and I'm cozy in bed lmao! I'll edit this comment tomorrow. I also suggest looking into Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT). There's free workbooks online (I'll edit in the names of the workbooks tmrw as well) if you don't have access to therapy. Other than that, learning how to self-soothe will go a LONG way. I like to journal how I'm feeling when I'm shutting down and meditate afterwards (or just meditate). Learning to communicate how you feel (which imo is a lil scary LOL and might take a while to get used to) when you realize you're about to shut down pushes you to be vulnerable instead of distancing or self sabotaging yourself. You can kind of rewire your brain into developing a healthy process! Best of luck on the healing process ❤️
@@awwzuzu I’m a little late on the response, but thank you so much for all the information! The “shutting down” part seems to make more sense to me the longer I think about it because it describes a feeling I’ve noticed when I start to feel overwhelmed or I get so lost in my own thoughts that it becomes noticeable to other people. And learning to communicate my feelings fully is definitely the most daunting task to me, but ultimately necessary. Thanks again I appreciate it 🙏🏾
Wow, as someone who was bullied a majority of her childhood into adolescence, this hit me. Not in a romantic sense but with real friendship. I just remember not being able to make friends bc others were bullied out of hanging out with me (years later someone finally stood up for me). Anyway, that’s made it difficult for me to see my worth as a friend to other people. I did exactly the same as Trend did. I’m financially independent, fit, educated, etc. and couldn’t help but think someone was going to find me defective. It actually sort of happened again (bullied, but behind closed doors) and I’ve been working with my own therapist. I found that I’ve been avoiding the topic of being bullied for so long that I never figured out how to actually deal with it. Watching this video did help me see that I could have literally been self sabotaging myself after all these years lol! I’m also 28. Guess today is as good a day as any to change!! Thanks for being vulnerable and thanks Dr. for the insight!
Me too! I realize that I’ve been afraid of being physically injured getting into fights with people. I’ve been in several altercations in the last year but that fear of conflict effects almost every part of my life. So, the strongest indicator for doing better is learning self-defense. But, I haven’t found the opportunity to work with somebody on it.
This guy seems like he has a lot going for him objectively. He’s articulate, smart, has a career and friends, etc. What’s holding him back is his mindset. Looks like he’s starting to understand what he has to do, but I haven’t finished the whole video. The whole “being behind his peers” thing isnvery relatable
I'm a 30-year old woman who's never been in a relationship, and this is the conversation I have with myself all the time lol. It would be nice to meet 'the one' or one of the ones tomorrow as a test of how much I've grown lol.
There are more people than people think who get to their late 20s or early 30s and have never been in a relationship, or at least not a very serious or very long lasting one. I know it's not the only option but... I think these people, mostly, need to be dating each other because for me it's too much of a red flag that they're going to leave me at the first slight bump in the road instead of try to work it out. I don't need to deal with that kind of avoidant partner again, I've been there and done that twice as someone's first serious partner. No more. Meet someone roughly equal to where you're at experience wise, somehow, and maybe it'll all go more smoothly.
@@VioletEmerald that’s an interesting idea to have them all date each other but im curious why u equate lack of experience with the tendency to leave instead of work things out. What if they’re someone who’s been working on themselves like the caller after this session? 🤷🏻♂️
How can this be so relatable? The work I see from this channel lately is so helpful. Might be because I started to resonate with it because of my current experience, since not too long ago I didn't spent too much time on the channel. But now man, everything feels so relatable to what younger people are going through. Awesome job!
Relationships for love are overrated. The relationship with yourself is the one that should be worked on first and a priority. When we enjoy our own company and can enjoy time alone, we gain a lot. I don't get lonely and have been single on purpose for the last 4 years. I wanted to work on myself. It was the best thing I ever did is not to look or chase for any type of affection from someone else other then my friends and family and 2.5 years was the pandemic...so there was that as well. I am more fulfilled now then ever in my life at 48 years old. If I meet someone, I do...if not...no big deal because I am very content on my own.
Flashbacks to any guy who’s ever asked me, “So, why are you single?” on a first date/getting to know each other conversations… 😂 On a serious note, this was such an amazing dialogue. It was very thought-provoking to my own life decisions
The whole, "they're older and single so they must have something wrong with them" trope has been beaten into folks through TV and movies. It's a ridiculous notion, but it's repeated over and over, so it gets ingrained in the psyche.
True maybe they should say for chance: they’re older and in miserable or bad relationships so maybe there is sth off with them” something that needs addressing.
Wow this is so accurate almost matching my circumstances, high achiever and sucesser in career, but traumatic non sustainable relationship experiences, and properly childhood issues, lead me to fear and perfection seeking
This guy /does/ have a silky smooth voice haha. Also, I don't think someone not having been in many long term relationships is really that offputting, and if it's partly due to self improvement, that's almost appealing, though I also fall into this camp so maybe I'm biased lol.
I agree. I'm older than the typical audience and watch sometimes for information to understand my son. Anyway, when I married for a second time, my husband was in his forties never married and no kids, and no long term girlfriends since he was an undergrad, because he was busy getting his Phd and achieving success in his career. He has been a wonderful husband and father, and all of our drama was because of my ex! Not having baggage is a bonus!
I feel as though I have the exact opposite of this issue, his parents got divorced so did mine, he feels like he’s scared of ranked, I feel I’m trapped in ranked, he felt like he had to be the good kid, I felt I had to be the bad kid, he feels undeserving I feel almost over deserving, etc. i know this isn’t a substitute for therapy but man would I love to have a chat with dr.k and have a discussion/session on the topic.
My utter lack of interactions on dating apps makes me think there really is a fundamental problem with me. I understand that dating apps don't reflect reality, but going on dating apps and getting next to zero likes, and getting promptly ghosted by the few that like back is a recipe for self loathing. My friends go on dating apps and go on dates whenever they please. Are they necessarily happy? No, but not having a date in like 6 years is tough. Knowing I'm not alone in this keeps me going, I just don't see this ending
It's interesting how things sound differently when you say them, vs. when you hear them. 8:43 when he says "oh great, so [...] why don't I have anybody?" I've caught myself thinking that, but hearing someone else say it it sounds strange. The thought that came is "because you are getting in your own way. If you can stop doing that, you will." And it feels so simple. But if turn that around to apply to myself, my entire being starts resisting the thought again.
I hate my life situation but I'm so used to it that the idea of it changing fills me with anxiety and I self sabotage just to be miserable again. I need so badly to break this cycle.
Maybe your not afraid maybe it's unfamiliar situation. Don't pressure yourself by telling that you have to change your just doing it because you love yourself. That's why your inner self tells you that you don't like what you are now cuz it's not really you.❤
I would love to thank both Dr. K. and Trend. This video was an eye opener for me. This has been a constant topic in my life and relationships. Thank you so much for this video.
I am quite annoyed by this because he's making too many assumptions about what his prospective partner is looking for. I was recently dating a guy who i thought was very boring because he never went in-depth and personal with the conversation even when i did. Later i found out that he thought that the psychological complexities and hardships in his past are unappealing, which is absurd. He turned out to be sensitive and complicated, which to me are the best parts of him, but he only started revealing these things once we were already in a relationship. Can you imagine that? If i weren't like "yeah, romance is overrated, his vibe is nice and that's enough", i wouldn't even have him rn. He is actually so compatible with me, and i would have no idea!
Obviously, not him but can give a personal answer as to why. Most of the time these past issues have just been used against me. Whether it's by family, friends, acquaintances, etc it's basically just used as a bludgeon against us when they're feeling bad. Then to kinda cope with the situation I just relate it to the past issues/sharing of the issues and not that the person is being shitty for trying to drag me down.
I was scared when I realized that I feared success. I was reading the book "The War of Art" and the whole book built up to that point. It struck me like lightning and I stopped reading for a while. So far I haven't been able to solve it. Thanks for exploring this Dr. K
whats helping me atm, not sure if its just a bandaid I am learning to just constantly forgive myself. I have that perfection complex like this guy does, and I'm still very far from getting to relationships. I focused on getting my degree, and surviving my first job. I've taken some L's trying to get into some relationships, but I'm still happy I at least have tried vs not trying at all the last few years. Another thing, is just trying to do things. I even explicitly say do it terribly, or sh*tty. I have to believe in myself that the reason I'm happy with the effort I'm putting in is because this is the road to get to where I want to be. I still self sabo, have anxiety, and depressed like symptoms. This is going to take time to work on. I am happy that these two things I heard in a TED talk seem to at least help me prevent flare ups for anxiety. I definitely feel behind like OP in video, I focused solely on school and my career, and I feel underdeveloped in other areas as a result a difference I have from him, is I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship yet. I definitely want to have some fun, but I don't know if I really am ready to have my life change. I don't agree with being worried about why I havent been in a relationship. I know I had a very clear goal of getting my degree and while I wish I tried to work on this while it was easier in school, like I got my goal. this is just the next grind for me
This helped me a lot actually, back in 2019 I knew what I wanted and it wasn't much, a stable job, my own place, and time to do my music, it was great because despite not having my life figured out I knew where to start, I ended up delaying that plan a year for familiar reasons and then... 2020... It wasn't untill january of this year that I finally had the three things that I wanted, I thought "great, I can finally start now" but then I got very depressed, I hated myself for months "wtf is wrong with me? this is what I wanted", it wasn't untill october that I started to get better and this case in particular has being really helpfull
I have been smiling the entire time because I can relate so much. 28, and at a very similar phase. Also experiencing impostor syndrome at work, trying to improve myself but highly insecure about dating and failing in general. We are living paradoxes haha
Strangely, it happened a bunch of time where I think about a specific issue in my life, and you post a video on it LITERALLY minutes after that has happened
Being a psychiatrist and therapist myself I really like doctor k cognitive behavioural therapy style. Doctor K pointed out that at some point he would need to go into the sources where the insecurities are coming from "his childhood" and that he won't be able to "logic himself out" of the feelings. That's why would have went to the core belief of feeling like "being not good enough"... I would go with getting curious about the belief, the associated emotions when facing the belief and the bodily felt sensations when the emotions are present and hold space to see what comes up for him and go there.
Hey Trent, If you are reading this, I Really want to thank you for doing this. Everything you said felt so relatable to me and I wish you the best. Also Dr. K is Frinking Awesome !!!
The sheer amount of videos that are being released right now, and the kind of relevance they have makes me think that Dr. K is either doing research on his audience extremely well, or that he is lowkey an enlightened being capable of bilocation, and the monks he was supposed to learn with actually told him to get back out into the world because they had nothing left to teach him.
When he said "what's in the back of your mind when you see a 29-year old who has their stuff together" (20:15) I was like "Why would they need me in the first place?". Don't know what it means though.
Maybe that any love given when they are in place where literally need you could be fake as opposed to actual emotional connection. The relationship was built on flawed foundations in the first place.
He sounds like an INFJ personality, because I'm exactly the same way. Comfortable being alone, but longing for a relationship with a deep connection, but don't want to waste my own (let alone a man's) time and money.
What I thought was so interesting is that this covered so many topics of interest. Self sabotage, importer syndrome, the NEED to be perfect/appear as to feel worthy, the fear of missing out, rejection sensitivity and more. This is one of the most informative videos I think I've listened to so thank you very much Trend & Dr.K.
I've just realized that this is happening to me with my friend I've known since highschool. I love her and have been self sabotaging. We recently got into a relationship and my self sabotaging has been happening. I've never realized this about me till her.
16:18 18:16 - thought milestones would unblock 20:24 - Trent's insecurity, think someone will judge him same way as himself 23:03 - how do you know if you have issues 24:26 - "it's kind of weird because when i ask you like how are you sure you have issues they're like there must be a blind spot because i don't see anything but it's got to be there that in and of itself that conclusion is coming from the insecurity that there's something fundamentally broken" 24:58 - "somewhere along the way you are concerned that despite being a successful good caring human being that there's some part of you that is going to screw up a relationship and that someone would like discover at some point and then break up with you it's like something fundamentally messed up with Trend" fundamental insecurity, which Trend thought he would fix by working on the parts he saw was wrong, but it didn't fix the insecurity now he is confused because he don't know what to fix anymore because he fixed everything that needs fixing but it still didn't fix the insecurity 26:22 - Trend's insecurity of screwing up a relationship --> Trend doesn't know what is off but afraid that the partner will figure it out 27:04 - Trend feels like a broken person acting as a normal person, like an impostor 27:24 - solution: same problem in his work. give the chance to try and learn 28:00 - makes sense why Trend is feeling something is off. he "queueing in unranked", no risk of losing the ranked/the possibility of the perfect relationship but he realized he wants to "play ranked" 28:54 - why Trend notice red flags in a person he is invested in 36:12 - samsakara, when you develop a lack of confidence that comes from 1 part of your life, fixing another part of your life doesn't translate to fixing this insecurity Trend's samsakara = he started believing at some point that he is unlovable by people important to him
This is a great discussion! It’s what I’ve been struggling with for years. Thank you to Trend for putting it into words, couldn’t have said better myself. My lingering question is: 43:47 how do you be confident in asking your partner or person of interest such a vulnerable question? Many people seek confident people. I just assume that by persistently asking this question will be a turn off? Or is it by being open about one’s insecurity a way of becoming confident? It’s a weird mind trap. But it’s probably why we keep wanting to be “the best” in other peoples view.
Honestly, I think society pushes a really toxic narrative with this "people are attracted to confident people, so you need to be super hyper confident all the time in order to have a shot." I think most of us are totally fine if somebody has some insecurities. I think your question is great, because it kind of highlights an interesting assumption: It's my job to not be a turn off for the other person and make myself attractive to them. At the same time, I presume you wouldn't expect that from somebody else in order to find them attractive. Both parties are just people and it's nobody's job do do anything other than to advocate for themself in an authentic and vulnerable way and accept that some people might find that a turn off and that those people are not for them. In my experience, being brave enough to be vulnerable and open is perceived as very confident. And all of these questions become really meaningless when you're close to somebody who loves you and cares about you. I guess the trick is gradually become more vulnerable and only enter an intimate relationship if you have established a base level of trust and know the other person accepts you without judgement.
*I RELATE 100%, and I think I figured myself out!* Ones who did well in school usually never fear success, Ones who didn't do well have this paralyzing fear. SO, I think SCHOOL and SOCIETY has created a Trauma in us, a separation in our personalities: *Worry (Efficient)* and *Reckless (Courage)* -Worry, a sign of efficient decision making skills. We fear a downfall and are patient for success (Weakness?: Failure and time loss) -Reckless, a sign of desire to discover and achieve. We don't fear failure and want success (Weakness?: Ignorance and mediocre outcomes) *The key is identifying both as separate beings (Name them if needed) and using them when necessary. If we only lean on one personality trait, the control on our life results might not appear as we expect.* We need the both benefits from each trait: Worry = To Plan Reckless = To Execute If we name them each as separate personalities, used at separate times, we can finally structure when we take action because we can disassociate the "reckless" side as our own. Whether this possibly breeds mental illness long-term, I'm not sure about but looking back at actors, athletes, ect, it seems that's what they usually do to grow.
Hey, this honestly felt like looking at myself in the future. I am 26 now and currently succesfuĺly working on myself. Tho I do not feel that far as this guy.(by the way, fantastic host) It feels like I am about to hit this wall in near future. So great that I can work on this sooner with given thoughts. Good job with the self improvement by the way and have a great day.
Since I was a child Ive always thought I will have no choice but to kill myself someday because I am just bad at real life/ Every job I have had has been self sabotaged by my depression and anxiety and I know I'm responsible because it's as if I want to force myself into a situation where suicide is the only way out.
He definitely has issues, looks like he has avoidant attachment style. Weird enough, I met couple guys like him, with good career, exercising, but emotionally unhealed. I do believe if they would go to therapy, or support groups like ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - likely he, just like many of us, had dysfunctional family of origin). Dysfunctional family of original prompts a child to create unhealthy attachment style and prevents you from forming healthy attachment. He fixed everything on the outside, but not inside. I am perplexed why Dr. says he has nothing to work on.
39:43 "A good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together; It's about two people who are works in progress, helping each other in a positive way."
I have a friend (an ex who rejected me several times and then broke up with me when he asked to date) who has been self sabotaging. This video was really helpful.
Childhood trauma angle looks strong as well. (The fundamental insecurity.) Had the same reaction as Dr. K when the caller said things about conditional affection (requiring being the best/good kid) and being responsible for one of the parent's emotions (the first seems related to the issue at discussion). Could go past that and skip to actually trying dating ranked, but I'd assume working on both at the same time would be good, as one might be the cause that's preventing the other from moving forward. If the caller chooses to fix the childhood thing first, they could risk going back to their old pattern, which doesn't seem good for progress, so both at the same time or skip.
Watching and using relationship as a metaphor of my business because I get to the point of launch and literally get too tired to perform when I have done this before two times. I'm so stuck though.
Can we appreciate how well-spoken Trend is?
Yes, the voice as well! 🙌
The dude didn’t stutter or stumble once. I’m so envious of his ways of words. Mashallah
@@vidhyareddyn2714 yeah I have a crush on his voice 💀
Thought it was just me! So articulate and got such a smooth voice!
And well thought out
"The person who is 'The One' is going to be okay with the fact that you're not perfect. Because a good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together; it's about two people who are works-in-progress helping each other in a positive way."
Honestly this exactly!
Perfectly said
I'd never even considered that until I heard it out loud. Made me tear up
@@redactado266 You're correct. Self pity isn't attractive
@@redactado266 what makes someone "not attractive"?
A lot of us don’t actually know what a healthy relationship looks like or how it functions and sustains. Especially if we come from a broken family.
Very true. The interviewee did mention his parents are divorced. Good point...
yup yup
A great point. Something I hadn't even been aware of up until very recently - the fact that my parents modeled an absolutely horrific, inauthentic, toxic relationship for me and I just had to assume that that's the way it's done. Good thing I'm able to move forward, also thanks to Dr. K. and his content
So true. Love your Jake profile pic btw
Well, that hit close
I resonate so much with this guy. I literally try to sabotage every connection that I had, whether it be romantic or platonic, because I know how much I invest in the people I love and the possibility that it will eventually go to waste when they leave is just so frightening to me. In romantic relationships, I would always end up thinking I'm not good enough for them and that they deserve better, then I realized that those were just excuses I made up to what I thought was a valid reason to leave. I tried doing that too with my current boyfriend but it didn't work because he knows that it's not me, but my fears speaking up, and he was really willing to work it out with me. Now, I just take it day by day with him. Just focusing on the present makes me appreciate the time I spend with him and makes me less anxious but more excited of what else we could do tomorrow. I try not to think as far ahead because it just ruins the moment.
My boyfriend is part of this community and he’s also the reason why I began watching Dr. K and started gaining self-awareness. I’m very thankful to this community because it continuously educates me and helps me articulate my thoughts and feelings better. I can say that I am in a much brighter place right now, and I hope that you are too. But if you feel like you aren’t, just know that it takes time. Just keep going.
And to my Gil,
You’ll probably watch this video and scroll through the comments when you wake up. Thank you for being patient with me.
happy for you girl!!!!! 🙌🏻
UwU
How long have you been dating?
This is so sweet and awesome!
@@NathanaelNaused We started dating in February this year. :)
I feel like it's important to focus on just having fun with a person first before going balls-to-the-wall commitment. Like yes obviously you're both looking for something long term like most of us are, but if you're going to commit to someone long term you should probably feel comfortable with them first before going in headstrong with the idea of "I might marry this person one day". I know it's dumb to say lighten up and just enjoy the dating rather than the end results, but sometimes it's as simple as just turning your brain off and having fun with a person.
it took me a while to realize this, but yes. this exactly
Well said 👏
Hahah balls to the wall 🤣 having fun at the beginning is important because when the going gets tough, you’ll both want that fun side of each other again as a goal and to find your way again, re-ignite the flame etc. What you said is super important.
the legend has returned to bestow his wisdom!
Personally, I can only date someone if I want commitment. I have friends & myself for fun lol, so it's otherwise a waste of time & energy. Has this resulted in commitment for me? No. But I don't need to have an "other" to enjoy life.
Needed this, I sabotage LITERALLY everything going well in my life lol
i completely relate to this, whenever i find something that I like or am intrested in I just make up random bullshit that would make me give up on said thing.
dont be too hard on yourselves. really think about it: we all have the tools to be successful in this day and age. literally, it’s overwhelming. analysis paralysis is real. we fall into the wrong major. college isnt even 100% necessary. everything is not what it seems. try not to generalize that you sabotage EVERYTHING. I doubt that! we all sabotage a lot in our lives, unintentionally. but we are only human, SO MUCH is out of our control. sorry im rambling but it’s ok to try diff things. change ur mind, w.e. u dont have to box yourself in, ever
I think we use the term sabotage, but in my case it feels like a lot of things that look perfect turn out to be mirages or terrible, I did the same thing, I started dating people I liked, and something weird steps in, but something is off that ruins it. For me it was finding a couple guys that seemed awesome, but they turned out to be total flakes. This has happened over and over. Don't get it.
@@PervertHoover2 this is the point. You are doing something wrong in your life, and you are not getting what mistakes you are making.
@@PervertHoover2so, you are dealing with a blindspot. I too tried to connect and grow together with two flakes. Then I undocked, and now I am collaborating with 3 non-flakes. The results are great - I am fixing my financials, building a new career and launching on a long term growth plan.
The reason for me to start being friends with flakes was the fact that I used to be a flake myself. I started changing and now I can't be friends with flakes anymore. 2 days ago, a new flake appeared near me and he tried to become friends with me. I politely evaded - again - because I am not a flake anymore.
You need to dig deep into your situation and figure out the root cause, which pushed you into networking with those 2 flakes. This is your blind spot sbd you need to shine light on it.
Maybe, rhe word "self sabotage" is not correct for all instances of such things. I like the word "blind spot" because it points to the fact that you don't know something about yourself. We are often conditioned to believe that we know ourselves well. This is BS - lots of people don't have a clue, and I am learning to see myself the way I am and keep building the right path.
It's almost scary how fitting all these issues lately are to my situation. Makes me think it's probably pretty common and we might cut a lot of people some slack ^^°
dismissive avoidant attachment style
I feel the same but with a career, it was scary how I could relate but in a different situation
I can’t choose something to pursue even if it interests me because I keep thinking of the possibilities of failing, and the “red flags” of oh this would be too tiring oh this is not something I think I’ll be good at and so on. And because I don’t have “experiences” in completely failing and trashing my life then it terrifies me to do so
@@iridescentsolace please go fail and fail hard. you come out at the other end of it a new person, not tiptoeing & walking on egg shells. Fully run into that brick wall- like a cartoon, your teeth will shatter and spill out- but they will reappear cuz life just goes on friend u can go fail no one will hate u. that’s another thing- your real friends come out when you’re on your pursuit. ppl will get in your way, you will get in your way. u may even get depressed and lose money. it’s still worth it. life is too short
"Makes me think it's probably pretty common"
Yep. Most of our issues are pretty common...
The level of introspection and honesty here is impressive. This can even be applied to situations that aren't relationships and are thoughts I've seen arise in other areas that I struggle with. This was very useful to listen to
Trent is just the sweetest. Thank you both for this wonderful coaching!
He is the sweetest thing! No wonder he can't get a girlfriend. Wishing him the best.
I wonder how many people are crushing on him now wondering who he is 😊
@@francischic7854 He can absolutely get a gf. Literally every girl in the comments is simping for him, lol.
Being 32 soon, its nice to hear from a slightly older member of the community, as i relate a bit more. Definitely in a very similar situation myself where i feel like i've achieved good things, but its not making me anymore confident inside.
Same. 39.
Thats the most painfull part. Busting your tail off and against all odds to get where you are today.
Only to not feel a shred better for it. Yeah that is saying alot about your ego and self-esteem
@@onnol917 It feels somewhat relieving to know my achievements aren't correlated with confidence, or i'll always feel i need more and more, and that sounds exhausting. Im starting to notice my resistance to negative emotion and a lot of what im shooting for is motivated by fear or avoidance of negative consequences.
@@Balloonbot have you found any motivation from positive aspects of your life? Negative motivation is negative but also very devestating when you don't get what your after
@@rhinoman86 thanks for your story. I am in a similar situation as you. What I found out most is to face the pain, nothing feels better then overcoming the internal barriers.
I just started the video and as per usual scrolled comments and I'm surprised how no one so far didn't mention attachment style where for this guy it SCREAMS avoidant (or fearful avoidant), and I know it because I'm the same and I'm actively working on healing it. Sabotaging your relationships by keeping a distance (with devaluating your partner by seeing mostly bad things in them for instance) is a book example of avoidant attachment style so I'd recommend everyone to read more about it :)
Yesssssss! This is classic fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant attachment style. Check out the Personal Development School, they have courses that help you identify and heal your attachment style. And there are a bunch of videos by Thais Gibson and Heidi Priebe that are super helpful for learning about attachment styles and how to be in relationships.
There's also partial dissociative disorder (PDD) which means you have essentially two people in one brain. One is functional and the other is traumatised. The trauma personality can sabotage the efforts of the functional personality. The guest described what sounds like clarity, which is unusual for avoidants. It's more common with PDD because the lucid and matured aspect recognises the immaturity of the traumatised personality. The traumatised aspect can be avoidant (or attachment) so I'm not discounting your comment. But when someone like this describes their own insecurities and shortcomings so clearly, it's likely they have a part of them which is outside looking in. That's classic PDD.
@@notbloodylikely4817 I have the same problem with the guy in video. why you think it's dissociative disorder ?
Oh shit bro. Why you calling me out like this?
"being the best kid to get attention reinforces the idea that fundamentally you dont deserve attention" 🎯🎯🎯🤯
i don't understand
@@nicjolas if you got to work hard to get people to notice you, it makes you believe that if you were to do nothing then no one would look at you, as if there is nothing in you worth looking at.
And if you do put effort and succed at getting attention, then it doesn't feel deserved because you had to work hard for it, they're looking at your efforts, not at you.
Really appreciate this trend of having more people on who have already done much of the work in terms of introspection and self improvement but now need that next level of help to get where they want to be. I still have issues for sure but I've done so much personal work that I struggle to find someone as 'emotionally healthy' or at least as committed to getting there as me which I now know is something I need in a relationship.
This I cannot agree with more.
How much "emotionally healthy" ppl do u know in general?
How confidently do you feel about being "emotionally healthy" yourself?
Ppl go through stuff and often have internal battles everyday and don't want to talk about it.
I mean, not being compatible partner of someone with certain mental disorders/illness or trauma is fine, but you might find happiness in someone that can give you love and respect for most of time and also, everyone has bad days anyways.
(I almost discarded comment, but for the small chance it could be helpful, I'll post.
The questions are intended more for engaging thinking than for real conversation. )
@@matijaderetic3565 Just to be clear, by emotionally healthy I don't mean someone who has no emotional issues and is just completely stable all the time, I mean someone who has put in the work to find healthy ways to approach managing their mental health. Because that's where I feel I am at right now. I absolutely still have depressive episodes and occasionally turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I am so much better at noticing that in myself and re-grounding myself than I used to be, and have found it really difficult to communicate effectively with people in romantic relationships who either do not yet see the value in examining their own emotional states and triggers, or simply haven't learned the skills. I really appreciate your point about everyone having bad days, and realise my comment may have come across as dismissive of people still struggling or as having a superiority complex for having gone to therapy and seen positive outcomes, but that certainly wasn't what I was trying to convey. That would certainly make me a massive hypocrite. I just want someone who is on the same page as me, not someone who had finished the book entirely if that makes sense. And I pass no judgement onto those who are still in the earlier chapters because lord knows I've been there.
Same here. I'm in a similar place. My biggest fear is that since I always feel five years behind, it's almost like I don't want therapy if it'll only put me in the right place by the age of 35. I'd rather jam my issues into a closet and try to brute force my way into the pretty cardboard ad successful life I wish I had today at 29.
Wow I cannot agree more with this
This was extremely helpful for me personally. I've been single for 10 years now precisely for the same reasons discussed in this video, so this really opened my eyes and even prompted an emotional response from me.
Definitely
AoE Healing doing all the work. Wish you all the best!
I think the root of Trent's insecurity is that growing up he was unable to "manage" his parent's emotions, for which he felt responsible, as he mentioned around 37:58. Of course, he was unable to succeed at managing this responsibility. The best he could do was be a "good boy". It's possible that for Trent, being a good boy meant, first and foremost, to be a responsible person.
He "just got by" in a school, one of the lowest responsibility periods of life, only becoming more responsible "by necessity" when he ventured out into adult life. Perhaps Trent was unconsciously motivated to become more responsible so that he could learn how to manage other people's emotions, or at the very least, become unlike his parents. He wanted to become someone who does not need "reassurance and help" from others; someone whose "very good at being alone". Perhaps he thought he could learn to be responsible for others by becoming responsible for himself, or wanted to avoid placing responsibility for himself upon others at all, unlike his parents did to him.
Trent hides his need for reassurance and help, fearing that it will scare others away (because it scares him). Perhaps his parents had, at times, needed reassurance and help, which Trent describes now as being responsible for their emotions. As a child, he didn't know how to provide this reassurance and help, and so was left feeling "not good enough".
The red flags Trent sees could simply be potential partners behaving in ways that remind him of his parents when they were emotionally vulnerable, needy or even demanding. This scares him away, because he had been unable to provide his parents adequate reassurances and help, and even believes these needs in himself are so undesirable that he seeks to conceal them from others.
Trent's comfort zone is living a life where he is responsible for himself, and I should think that he would regard an ideal partner - "the one" - as a woman who has "put in the work" (on herself); who can handle her side of the relationship; who is, like him, very good at being alone.
Trent finds it easier to "trauma bond" and "queue unranked" because in the former scenario, he needs only relate and sympathize over shared experiences, while in the latter situation, he's confident that he won't ever reach a point where he feels a sense of responsibility for someone else; a situation in which he hasn't "put in the work", and so lacks the experience and the confidence to manage a relationship that requires more from him. As a result, he naturally worries that he may "fail" in a relationship where his partner's needs - especially her emotional needs - become partly his responsibility.
Interestingly, when Doc hypothesised a woman who mirrored Trent; the "good girl" to his good boy, who is still single(!?)- and asks what Trent would think about her, he says that he would think that something is wrong with her, matching his attitude towards himself, but oddly enough, he puts down the woman's lack of relationship success to "not prioritising being with somebody". He does not see that this describes his own situation perfectly. He has prioritised working on himself, on becoming very good at being alone, rather than becoming very good at being with somebody.
The most useful wisdom for Trent imparted by Dr. K came at 39:35. That sums it up pretty well. Other than this, I think a lot of Dr. K's analysis here didn't quite land at the root of the insecurity. I think he sometimes he gets too excited with his narratives and gaming analogies, and projects a pattern on the guest that doesn't really quite seem to hit the nail on the head, in my opinion. He did hit near enough though, I think.
Good post. I find sort of the mirrored-cause situation to be relevant to myself. I didn't feel responsible for my parents emotions, but rather the opposite, that they couldn't give me reassurance or have time for me, leading to almost the exact same behavior. When I meet someone I like, I feel like a burden and withdraw, thinking the best way that I personally could contribute to their happiness is to remove myself from their life.
@@Krisenaa I'm sorry to hear that. As Dr. K would say, "What I'm hearing is..." it sounds like you may have interpreted your parent's apparent inability or unwillingness to provide you with the reassurance and support you needed as proof that you are unworthy of it; proof that you are nothing but a burden.
Perhaps it's a case of preferring the comfort of certainty, as Dr. K has pointed out in some of his videos. It's familiar and comfortable for you to hold onto the belief that you are unworthy of having these needs fulfilled. It's foreign and unsettling to put yourself in a situation where you might find out that you actually are worthy; that you aren't a burden. You might be worried that if you let your guard down and start to let yourself believe you're worthy, and it somehow doesn't end well (the relationship)... Well, that's a scary thought, to have the rug pulled from under you when you just started to trust and let yourself believe it might be true.
Does that theme ring a bell, and do you think it might have some relevance to you?
@@VimDoozy Yes, lol, that is me
@@VimDoozy Love how articulate you are 🙌✨
Bruh this is literally me
I remember this one line in Good Will Hunting that spoke to me when I watched it. It was Robin William’s character Sean, and he said, “Guess what sport, you’re not perfect. And this girl you’re interested in? She isn’t either. But it doesn’t matter that you’re perfect. What matters is if you’re perfect for each other. And the only way to know for sure is to give it a shot.”
So much deep philosophy and life truths in that film ;)
I was just thinking of that quote :’)
Robin ❤
32F and I'm in the exact same rut. This was a great conversation to listen to, and hits closer to home than usual. Kudos to Dr. K and "smooth voice" Trend. XD
🙄
I can 100% relate, I am 24 and had 2 opprtunities to get into relationship, but all of a sudden when I realized that, my mind started making up arguments why I should not be with this person and strated to distance myself.
I have the same trust sabotage issues cuz I had to force myself rn in my mid teens to pull away from my parents cuz of how dysfunctional their relationship with me was, so I fear others will not be for me cuz the ones I grew up with aren't.
im catching myself doing that right now. We get along great, there's chemistry, but i keep nitpicking and second-guessing and telling myself there's no chance it lasts because xyz details
It’s not failure I fear; it’s success that terrifies me.
Trend is full of potential; but I know man it’s so hard to unlock it.
This is a good one; listen to it.
This was a really great call and great respect to Trend opening up like that. One of the main takeaways I got from this call is to beware of "what-if's" getting in the way of taking action, fear of losing a good relationship "because this thing or that thing could go wrong." Ergo overthinking, perfectionism, analysis paralysis.
There was a lot to learn from this call, and I appreciate Trend and Dr. K going through this together. There are lot of us men in Trend's place looking to uncomplicate our minds and personal baggage, real or imagined. Thank you for putting this up.
That ranked-unranked analogy is on-point. I don't even accept friend/clan/fireteam requests in games anymore, because what if they want to team up, and they see how much I suck? Or worse, we lose because of me?
I guess this is why I always stick to single-player games, or matchmaking lobbies when playing online. And probably why I don't really have any friends.
The irony being that some of those requests are probably from people who see how *good* I am at the game, and *want* me on their team.
It's also probably why I try to avoid any and all risks in life, especially those that require responsibility, especially managing other people.
Damn. I don't always agree with Dr. K, but this analogy has given me something to think about. Maybe I'll take more risks in the future (small ones, to start with).
Trend i think you did something amazing showing to all this community your vulnerability. Thank you for being so brave 🙏
I act like this but about my education and career progression…the higher I go the more angsty and self sabotaging I get. Then I feel terrified because, of course, I need my job to live….
Thanks so much for being so transparent and allowing us to have this conversation Trend
From my point of view, it's all (mostly) in his head. Sure, there may be some girls who would say "why is he still single? there must be something wrong" but I'm sure there are plenty of others who would say "I like this guy, and he's single, this is awesome!"
What an amazing conversation. One can tell the caller has been very introspective of himself, and is well practiced in articulating his thoughts.
Yes, you too! It's rare to find people who are this articulate!
To me it feels like he's being dishonest
I just talked about this in therapy 10 minutes ago. What is your secret?🧙🏽♂️
Exactly. Had my coaching session. This is up an hour later. Amazing.
People aren't that different after all...
Shoutout to Trent for being so insightful/self observing and sharing it with the community ! I believe he represents perfectly what kind of people HGG is helping everyone in the community to become (if that makes sense). Loved the meta conversation at the end on the the idea of "fixing oneself". Will definitely come back to this video, immensely helpful !
I’ve just about had it with Dr K posting these suspiciously relevant videos to my life lol
Right!! Too spot on
I talked in therapy about how I keep self-sabotaging my sleep and my therapist was like "why do you keep using that phrase, you've said it 4 times today" and i guess self-sabotage is just. The phrase this week that a lot of people are really focusing in on... Lol.
But yeah I really like the concept of acknowledging that the thing that prevented you from reaching whatever your goal was was.... Your own choices. Sabotage is a verb. It's an active thing you do. You didn't try but fail. It's not who you inherently are that couldn't achieve the end result either. It's just because you chose this one particular action or set of actions that you didn't end up with the result that you yourself wanted. Self-Sabotage is a useful framework for people because instead of "it makes no sense why you would have worked against yourself" it kinda offers an explanation. Like that you purposefully did things because on some level you wanted to sabotage the plans. Because you were afraid of success or dreading something else.
I genuinely can't see myself as someone who is worth it or can offer anything worthwhile to make a person happy, I sincerely have so little in my own life and I am stricken with this inexplicable terror at the thought of dating someone that I let myself be ghosted or abandoned very easily with the few women I've talked with, and even outside of relationships, I struggle to focus with work and writing and I simply don't believe I have much of any benefit as a human being. I don't even know where this hopelessness and lack of self-esteem came from.
Really impressed by how well spoken and introspective Trent is. Great video.
THANK YOU so much for this ! (am watching right now) I'm a woman who thinks she might be aromantic and even non-monogamous in the long run. THIS is such an important talk, as many psychologists, at least in my area, might not understand the possible aromanticism (Why am I like this ?? Even though I do have reasons that pertain to tr@uma) and me not necessarily wanting marriage, kids.. I have only had 1 serious relationship and am 30+ , even decently attractive and with a good job, the relationship happened because an attractive and funny guy, friend of a friend, approached me, appreciated me for who I was and was generally a good guy. I'll keep listening.. So far, with his fears and insecurities, Trent is ME !
(I probably have more fears, but they encapture his)
this is SO SO important, cause there are nuances that not many therapists understand.. In my area, generally, many people are 'backwards', like, me also being a woman 'How can you not want marriage or kids ?' and very few therapists would know about the existence of aromanticism in itself. But it's all a nuanced thing, because there can be another problem that keeps you from having a relationship. Mine probably pertains to tr@uma with the opposite gender, from childhood in the family + my mom always being unhappy in the marriage and then there was school, too (bu11ies) and I put up a big sign for myself in my mind 'A man will not make me happy' (even though my ex was a good guy, also a bunch of male friends. But the tr@uma was too big and I see them as exceptions, in a way)
Trent, so great you came on and talked so honestly about this. I resonate a lot with what you said. This episode is defenitely going in my "Important Favorites"-playlist. :)
I identify so much with the pain of others saying to you "but you're such a nice guy" "how do you not have a gf? You have so much to offer" "it's not right that you're single, a guy like you should be with someone" people mean well but it just cuts so deep. Anyway I'm sure I've unintentionally said hurtful things to others as well, at the end of the day we have to introspect and not take things too personally. I think it can jar with someone's world view when they see a "good guy" all alone and they rush to blame society or assume something is wrong with you. In reality there's just our own roadblocks that they are not aware of, nor can we expect them to be. Anyway trent I'm in a very similar place as you my guy, thanks for having the courage to come on this show to talk through these things.
this video actually helped me realize a lot of things, appreciate the dive into this topic, he's so relateable
Wow... This speech really gave me chills. Im realizing that I was looking for confirmation from others which is why I seeked success and I was trying red flag relationship to continue just for the sake of getting confirmation from other people. In the end it always comes from childhood traumas. Its good that I started working on myself and thank you the girl who broke up with me for opening my eyes and saving from further diseases and problems.
Is there any chance to get a follow up on Trend? To see what’s been going on a year after this video came out. I really resonated with him a lot
I feel like so much of his fear comes from a misunderstanding on what a relationship actually looks like. And I say this because ita something I struggle with. But when you are in a relationship and like someone you dont end the relationship because you notice a flaw. Everyone is flawed, its unhealthy to expect perfection from yourself or your partner. But i feel like kids from broken homes who have maybe seen a relationship being held onto for too long have an instinct to immediately break off things whenever there is any issue noticed because they dont want in the long run for their relationship to fail once they are too invested like perhaps their parents. Just my 2 cents
I am a Trent, but not the Trent in this video :)
I think a big fear of "success" in dating is feeling like everything is on a one-way track to marriage and that every single day things get better, it is just going to hurt more if it ends. I think this is really true for men who don't want to feel like they are leading women on.
I am a Trent too. We don't want to be the bad boy breaking women's hearts. After engineering college I went to Asia and all these college girls wanted to date me and marry me. We would go for dinners and movies etc. I always moved to a new city or something, because if I have a serious relationship with a girl and then break up with her, I'd be doing something immoral. One time a Chinese college girl wanted to have sex and get married and I refused because I have to run my business - she said you can just run my father's factory, you don't need to worry about money. Now I'm 36 and broke, and I don't understand, why am I alone? Where are the college girls? Why are my friends so busy with their families they don't have time to chat to me? Who the hell do I talk to now? It's like some kind of hell, just me by myself in my apartment all day every day, what happened to other people?
@@hufficag just graduated college and in a less dramatic situation but similar. If it helps, I've had to learn how to reach out to people instead of expecting other people to come by like in college classes and stuff. It's been hard, difficult to adjust to since no one teaches you to do that, and forced me to actually learn more about myself instead of who I think I am. So I've had to sacrifice the idea of something immediately paying off for the reality of making the most out of what's possible today to do.
@@francischic7854 Yeah I used to ride my motorcycles and chat to strangers in Chinese and Japanese and it was fun making friends. I never cared about people leaving my life because there were so many new people entering my life every day. But now society changed, everyone seems to be stuck at home, and I only have a bicycle and there's nowhere to go. Well everyone seems happy to be stuck at home alone or with their girlfriend/wife, but I just can't adjust to it. It's madness.
Terence Trent D'Arby?🤣
I’m a Trent here too ✌🏻 it’s a cool name
I feel like after this discussion Trent or Trend (sorry for mispelling!) put it all together and found his person soon after. He knows how to articulate how he feels and willing to learn from his mistakes ....and that's a great start in any relationship dynamic. 👌🏽
Still listening to the video, but as he describes his dating life, it sounds exactly like the profile of someone with avoidant attachment. Down to the pattern of nitpicking partners and finding “flaws” as a reason not to be with them. It’s called deactivation.
I know because i was one too and worked to overcome it.
Edit: The speech at 22:00 about not wanting people to see his vulnerable side is textbook
Yeah, that's spot on. I've been there. I remember meeting this one girl and after some time I told her that I'm afraid of the relationship. She told me it was ok. It's ok that it might not work out and I should not put pressure on myself. I felt such a relief after hearing that. Although it didn't work out because of my sabotage, being open to trying made me learn a lot of things about myself.
Yes you're absolutely right, he described textbook avoidant attachment style and needs to work on being more secure. He is going to sabotage any good thing that comes his way. It'll be a self fulfilling prophecy, and like Dr. K said if the perfect girl came tomorrow he's. He's not confident or ready for her, really. Not unless he tries extra hard to fight his own instincts.
But also it's weird how relatable so much of this video is to be, someone enjoys anxiously attached and has been burned by dating 2 avoidant partners and 1 who was more anxiously attached than me. I don't want to be in that dynamic again so maybe it's caused me to become more avoidant. Idk.
Hey, nice observation! As someone who’s realizing that I’m also most likely a Fearful-Avoidant, knowing that other people like you and Trent are putting yourselves out there gives me hope that I can do the same one day.
Also, if you don’t mind me asking, what steps did you take that helped you heal? You don’t have to get specific or anything, just a general idea.
@@PaygunFGC Hi! I'm not OP but I'm also a FA. There are a lot of resources available on r/attachment_theory. From what I've read, Thai Gibson's videos seem to have helped people a lot, along with books such as Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown; Attachment Theory by Thais Gibson; Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples (I forgot the author sorry, but it starts with Elizabeth); and there's this one book about anxiety that I read although it's on my laptop rn and I'm cozy in bed lmao! I'll edit this comment tomorrow. I also suggest looking into Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT). There's free workbooks online (I'll edit in the names of the workbooks tmrw as well) if you don't have access to therapy. Other than that, learning how to self-soothe will go a LONG way. I like to journal how I'm feeling when I'm shutting down and meditate afterwards (or just meditate). Learning to communicate how you feel (which imo is a lil scary LOL and might take a while to get used to) when you realize you're about to shut down pushes you to be vulnerable instead of distancing or self sabotaging yourself. You can kind of rewire your brain into developing a healthy process! Best of luck on the healing process ❤️
@@awwzuzu I’m a little late on the response, but thank you so much for all the information! The “shutting down” part seems to make more sense to me the longer I think about it because it describes a feeling I’ve noticed when I start to feel overwhelmed or I get so lost in my own thoughts that it becomes noticeable to other people. And learning to communicate my feelings fully is definitely the most daunting task to me, but ultimately necessary.
Thanks again I appreciate it 🙏🏾
Wow, as someone who was bullied a majority of her childhood into adolescence, this hit me. Not in a romantic sense but with real friendship. I just remember not being able to make friends bc others were bullied out of hanging out with me (years later someone finally stood up for me).
Anyway, that’s made it difficult for me to see my worth as a friend to other people. I did exactly the same as Trend did. I’m financially independent, fit, educated, etc. and couldn’t help but think someone was going to find me defective. It actually sort of happened again (bullied, but behind closed doors) and I’ve been working with my own therapist. I found that I’ve been avoiding the topic of being bullied for so long that I never figured out how to actually deal with it. Watching this video did help me see that I could have literally been self sabotaging myself after all these years lol! I’m also 28. Guess today is as good a day as any to change!! Thanks for being vulnerable and thanks Dr. for the insight!
Me too! I realize that I’ve been afraid of being physically injured getting into fights with people. I’ve been in several altercations in the last year but that fear of conflict effects almost every part of my life. So, the strongest indicator for doing better is learning self-defense. But, I haven’t found the opportunity to work with somebody on it.
Whoever reads this I love you don’t sabotage yourself :(
This is like saying "If you're reading this, I love you, stop being depressed" lol
@@Papacarrot haha yeah I guess you’re right
This guy seems like he has a lot going for him objectively. He’s articulate, smart, has a career and friends, etc. What’s holding him back is his mindset. Looks like he’s starting to understand what he has to do, but I haven’t finished the whole video. The whole “being behind his peers” thing isnvery relatable
I'm a 30-year old woman who's never been in a relationship, and this is the conversation I have with myself all the time lol. It would be nice to meet 'the one' or one of the ones tomorrow as a test of how much I've grown lol.
If it's not rude to ask, what are some things you like to see in people you want to get to know?
There are more people than people think who get to their late 20s or early 30s and have never been in a relationship, or at least not a very serious or very long lasting one. I know it's not the only option but... I think these people, mostly, need to be dating each other because for me it's too much of a red flag that they're going to leave me at the first slight bump in the road instead of try to work it out. I don't need to deal with that kind of avoidant partner again, I've been there and done that twice as someone's first serious partner. No more. Meet someone roughly equal to where you're at experience wise, somehow, and maybe it'll all go more smoothly.
@@VioletEmerald that’s an interesting idea to have them all date each other but im curious why u equate lack of experience with the tendency to leave instead of work things out. What if they’re someone who’s been working on themselves like the caller after this session? 🤷🏻♂️
Sister!! Welcome to the club! xd Dear God, I long for my "the One." Or one of the Ones. I'm 32 and still shyly experimenting with the idea of love...
No wonder with those tattoos
How can this be so relatable? The work I see from this channel lately is so helpful. Might be because I started to resonate with it because of my current experience, since not too long ago I didn't spent too much time on the channel. But now man, everything feels so relatable to what younger people are going through. Awesome job!
Relationships for love are overrated. The relationship with yourself is the one that should be worked on first and a priority. When we enjoy our own company and can enjoy time alone, we gain a lot. I don't get lonely and have been single on purpose for the last 4 years. I wanted to work on myself. It was the best thing I ever did is not to look or chase for any type of affection from someone else other then my friends and family and 2.5 years was the pandemic...so there was that as well. I am more fulfilled now then ever in my life at 48 years old. If I meet someone, I do...if not...no big deal because I am very content on my own.
Flashbacks to any guy who’s ever asked me, “So, why are you single?” on a first date/getting to know each other conversations… 😂
On a serious note, this was such an amazing dialogue. It was very thought-provoking to my own life decisions
I'm already crying, this hits so hard lol
Thank you for speaking on things I actually suffer from. I had this happen in two different professions to prove this is real!!
The whole, "they're older and single so they must have something wrong with them" trope has been beaten into folks through TV and movies. It's a ridiculous notion, but it's repeated over and over, so it gets ingrained in the psyche.
True maybe they should say for chance: they’re older and in miserable or bad relationships so maybe there is sth off with them” something that needs addressing.
Wow this is so accurate almost matching my circumstances, high achiever and sucesser in career, but traumatic non sustainable relationship experiences, and properly childhood issues, lead me to fear and perfection seeking
This guy /does/ have a silky smooth voice haha.
Also, I don't think someone not having been in many long term relationships is really that offputting, and if it's partly due to self improvement, that's almost appealing, though I also fall into this camp so maybe I'm biased lol.
"silly smooth" hahaha
@@Papacarrot smh haha
I agree. I'm older than the typical audience and watch sometimes for information to understand my son. Anyway, when I married for a second time, my husband was in his forties never married and no kids, and no long term girlfriends since he was an undergrad, because he was busy getting his Phd and achieving success in his career. He has been a wonderful husband and father, and all of our drama was because of my ex! Not having baggage is a bonus!
I feel as though I have the exact opposite of this issue, his parents got divorced so did mine, he feels like he’s scared of ranked, I feel I’m trapped in ranked, he felt like he had to be the good kid, I felt I had to be the bad kid, he feels undeserving I feel almost over deserving, etc. i know this isn’t a substitute for therapy but man would I love to have a chat with dr.k and have a discussion/session on the topic.
My utter lack of interactions on dating apps makes me think there really is a fundamental problem with me. I understand that dating apps don't reflect reality, but going on dating apps and getting next to zero likes, and getting promptly ghosted by the few that like back is a recipe for self loathing.
My friends go on dating apps and go on dates whenever they please. Are they necessarily happy? No, but not having a date in like 6 years is tough. Knowing I'm not alone in this keeps me going, I just don't see this ending
It's interesting how things sound differently when you say them, vs. when you hear them. 8:43 when he says "oh great, so [...] why don't I have anybody?" I've caught myself thinking that, but hearing someone else say it it sounds strange. The thought that came is "because you are getting in your own way. If you can stop doing that, you will." And it feels so simple.
But if turn that around to apply to myself, my entire being starts resisting the thought again.
I resonate with Trend's story....It IS perfectionism and fear of failure talking 🤗
I hate my life situation but I'm so used to it that the idea of it changing fills me with anxiety and I self sabotage just to be miserable again. I need so badly to break this cycle.
Maybe your not afraid maybe it's unfamiliar situation. Don't pressure yourself by telling that you have to change your just doing it because you love yourself. That's why your inner self tells you that you don't like what you are now cuz it's not really you.❤
I would love to thank both Dr. K. and Trend. This video was an eye opener for me. This has been a constant topic in my life and relationships. Thank you so much for this video.
I am quite annoyed by this because he's making too many assumptions about what his prospective partner is looking for. I was recently dating a guy who i thought was very boring because he never went in-depth and personal with the conversation even when i did. Later i found out that he thought that the psychological complexities and hardships in his past are unappealing, which is absurd. He turned out to be sensitive and complicated, which to me are the best parts of him, but he only started revealing these things once we were already in a relationship. Can you imagine that? If i weren't like "yeah, romance is overrated, his vibe is nice and that's enough", i wouldn't even have him rn. He is actually so compatible with me, and i would have no idea!
Obviously, not him but can give a personal answer as to why. Most of the time these past issues have just been used against me. Whether it's by family, friends, acquaintances, etc it's basically just used as a bludgeon against us when they're feeling bad. Then to kinda cope with the situation I just relate it to the past issues/sharing of the issues and not that the person is being shitty for trying to drag me down.
@@grillmaster95 :( that's sad, but very insightful. Thank you, it really helps me see a new side to this.
I don't think I have ever related to a video of yours as much as this one, that was extremely insightful, thank you both.
I was scared when I realized that I feared success. I was reading the book "The War of Art" and the whole book built up to that point. It struck me like lightning and I stopped reading for a while. So far I haven't been able to solve it. Thanks for exploring this Dr. K
whats helping me atm, not sure if its just a bandaid
I am learning to just constantly forgive myself. I have that perfection complex like this guy does, and I'm still very far from getting to relationships. I focused on getting my degree, and surviving my first job. I've taken some L's trying to get into some relationships, but I'm still happy I at least have tried vs not trying at all the last few years.
Another thing, is just trying to do things. I even explicitly say do it terribly, or sh*tty. I have to believe in myself that the reason I'm happy with the effort I'm putting in is because this is the road to get to where I want to be.
I still self sabo, have anxiety, and depressed like symptoms. This is going to take time to work on. I am happy that these two things I heard in a TED talk seem to at least help me prevent flare ups for anxiety.
I definitely feel behind like OP in video, I focused solely on school and my career, and I feel underdeveloped in other areas as a result
a difference I have from him, is I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship yet. I definitely want to have some fun, but I don't know if I really am ready to have my life change. I don't agree with being worried about why I havent been in a relationship. I know I had a very clear goal of getting my degree and while I wish I tried to work on this while it was easier in school, like I got my goal. this is just the next grind for me
This helped me a lot actually, back in 2019 I knew what I wanted and it wasn't much, a stable job, my own place, and time to do my music, it was great because despite not having my life figured out I knew where to start, I ended up delaying that plan a year for familiar reasons and then... 2020... It wasn't untill january of this year that I finally had the three things that I wanted, I thought "great, I can finally start now" but then I got very depressed, I hated myself for months "wtf is wrong with me? this is what I wanted", it wasn't untill october that I started to get better and this case in particular has being really helpfull
Hehe, 28. You're good bro, I was on last month and I'm pushin' 40.
What do you mean “I was on last month”
@@PatrickStar914 He was on HealthyGamerGG?
I have been smiling the entire time because I can relate so much. 28, and at a very similar phase. Also experiencing impostor syndrome at work, trying to improve myself but highly insecure about dating and failing in general. We are living paradoxes haha
Strangely, it happened a bunch of time where I think about a specific issue in my life, and you post a video on it LITERALLY minutes after that has happened
Being a psychiatrist and therapist myself I really like doctor k cognitive behavioural therapy style. Doctor K pointed out that at some point he would need to go into the sources where the insecurities are coming from "his childhood" and that he won't be able to "logic himself out" of the feelings. That's why would have went to the core belief of feeling like "being not good enough"... I would go with getting curious about the belief, the associated emotions when facing the belief and the bodily felt sensations when the emotions are present and hold space to see what comes up for him and go there.
Hey Trent, If you are reading this, I Really want to thank you for doing this. Everything you said felt so relatable to me and I wish you the best. Also Dr. K is Frinking Awesome !!!
The sheer amount of videos that are being released right now, and the kind of relevance they have makes me think that Dr. K is either doing research on his audience extremely well, or that he is lowkey an enlightened being capable of bilocation, and the monks he was supposed to learn with actually told him to get back out into the world because they had nothing left to teach him.
I think it's the research lol 😂
Lol but i kinda know what you mean. It's very impressive regardless of the why
Why not both?
Enlightened for sure!
Damn that voice is so smooth and soothing.
He was litteraly stealing the words out of my mouth, powerful thanks for sharing
When he said "what's in the back of your mind when you see a 29-year old who has their stuff together" (20:15) I was like "Why would they need me in the first place?". Don't know what it means though.
Maybe that any love given when they are in place where literally need you could be fake as opposed to actual emotional connection. The relationship was built on flawed foundations in the first place.
Trent is solid now, he can just show the girl this episode and boom trust is built
He sounds like an INFJ personality, because I'm exactly the same way. Comfortable being alone, but longing for a relationship with a deep connection, but don't want to waste my own (let alone a man's) time and money.
I feel like a younger version of Trend and this video was very enlightening
What I thought was so interesting is that this covered so many topics of interest. Self sabotage, importer syndrome, the NEED to be perfect/appear as to feel worthy, the fear of missing out, rejection sensitivity and more. This is one of the most informative videos I think I've listened to so thank you very much Trend & Dr.K.
I've just realized that this is happening to me with my friend I've known since highschool. I love her and have been self sabotaging. We recently got into a relationship and my self sabotaging has been happening. I've never realized this about me till her.
Thank you for this post. This man sounds exactly like my boyfriend. So good to know what this is about overall.
Thanks for being a part of the community
16:18
18:16 - thought milestones would unblock
20:24 - Trent's insecurity, think someone will judge him same way as himself
23:03 - how do you know if you have issues
24:26 - "it's kind of weird because when i ask you like how are you sure you have issues they're like there must be a blind spot because i don't see anything but it's got to be there that in and of itself that conclusion is coming from the insecurity that there's something fundamentally broken"
24:58 - "somewhere along the way you are concerned that despite being a successful good caring human being that there's some part of you that is going to screw up a relationship and that someone would like discover at some point and then break up with you it's like something fundamentally messed up with Trend"
fundamental insecurity, which Trend thought he would fix by working on the parts he saw was wrong, but it didn't fix the insecurity
now he is confused because he don't know what to fix anymore because he fixed everything that needs fixing but it still didn't fix the insecurity
26:22 - Trend's insecurity of screwing up a relationship --> Trend doesn't know what is off but afraid that the partner will figure it out
27:04 - Trend feels like a broken person acting as a normal person, like an impostor
27:24 - solution: same problem in his work. give the chance to try and learn
28:00 - makes sense why Trend is feeling something is off. he "queueing in unranked", no risk of losing the ranked/the possibility of the perfect relationship but he realized he wants to "play ranked"
28:54 - why Trend notice red flags in a person he is invested in
36:12 - samsakara, when you develop a lack of confidence that comes from 1 part of your life, fixing another part of your life doesn't translate to fixing this insecurity
Trend's samsakara = he started believing at some point that he is unlovable by people important to him
As someone that feels like they may have met "the one" this video has been so helpful. I feel like Dr.K reads my mind sometimes haha
I actually would like to sit down and have a drink with this dude, I can relate to a lot what he has say
This is a great discussion! It’s what I’ve been struggling with for years. Thank you to Trend for putting it into words, couldn’t have said better myself. My lingering question is:
43:47 how do you be confident in asking your partner or person of interest such a vulnerable question? Many people seek confident people. I just assume that by persistently asking this question will be a turn off? Or is it by being open about one’s insecurity a way of becoming confident?
It’s a weird mind trap. But it’s probably why we keep wanting to be “the best” in other peoples view.
Honestly, I think society pushes a really toxic narrative with this "people are attracted to confident people, so you need to be super hyper confident all the time in order to have a shot." I think most of us are totally fine if somebody has some insecurities. I think your question is great, because it kind of highlights an interesting assumption: It's my job to not be a turn off for the other person and make myself attractive to them. At the same time, I presume you wouldn't expect that from somebody else in order to find them attractive. Both parties are just people and it's nobody's job do do anything other than to advocate for themself in an authentic and vulnerable way and accept that some people might find that a turn off and that those people are not for them. In my experience, being brave enough to be vulnerable and open is perceived as very confident. And all of these questions become really meaningless when you're close to somebody who loves you and cares about you. I guess the trick is gradually become more vulnerable and only enter an intimate relationship if you have established a base level of trust and know the other person accepts you without judgement.
This might as well have been me. 1 to 1 on everything here, super helpful
Who else was freaked out in the beginning how EXACTLY same compared to him their lives are??!
Yes
*I RELATE 100%, and I think I figured myself out!*
Ones who did well in school usually never fear success, Ones who didn't do well have this paralyzing fear.
SO, I think SCHOOL and SOCIETY has created a Trauma in us, a separation in our personalities:
*Worry (Efficient)* and *Reckless (Courage)*
-Worry, a sign of efficient decision making skills. We fear a downfall and are patient for success (Weakness?: Failure and time loss)
-Reckless, a sign of desire to discover and achieve. We don't fear failure and want success (Weakness?: Ignorance and mediocre outcomes)
*The key is identifying both as separate beings (Name them if needed) and using them when necessary. If we only lean on one personality trait, the control on our life results might not appear as we expect.*
We need the both benefits from each trait:
Worry = To Plan
Reckless = To Execute
If we name them each as separate personalities, used at separate times, we can finally structure when we take action because we can disassociate the "reckless" side as our own. Whether this possibly breeds mental illness long-term, I'm not sure about but looking back at actors, athletes, ect, it seems that's what they usually do to grow.
Hey, this honestly felt like looking at myself in the future. I am 26 now and currently succesfuĺly working on myself. Tho I do not feel that far as this guy.(by the way, fantastic host)
It feels like I am about to hit this wall in near future. So great that I can work on this sooner with given thoughts.
Good job with the self improvement by the way and have a great day.
Can we have more of the Indian mom personalization?? Absolutely adorable, spot on and relatable. ❤
Since I was a child Ive always thought I will have no choice but to kill myself someday because I am just bad at real life/ Every job I have had has been self sabotaged by my depression and anxiety and I know I'm responsible because it's as if I want to force myself into a situation where suicide is the only way out.
Bruhh have u found any way to improve your life?
He definitely has issues, looks like he has avoidant attachment style. Weird enough, I met couple guys like him, with good career, exercising, but emotionally unhealed. I do believe if they would go to therapy, or support groups like ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - likely he, just like many of us, had dysfunctional family of origin). Dysfunctional family of original prompts a child to create unhealthy attachment style and prevents you from forming healthy attachment. He fixed everything on the outside, but not inside.
I am perplexed why Dr. says he has nothing to work on.
You have NO IDEA how much I needed this today.
39:43 "A good relationship is not about two perfect people getting together;
It's about two people who are works in progress, helping each other in a positive way."
The algorithms are getting too smart
As an unmarried 29 year old that call out to the judgement hit me hard!
Right?! Me too. Damn it, I was hoping for a different answer...
I have a friend (an ex who rejected me several times and then broke up with me when he asked to date) who has been self sabotaging. This video was really helpful.
The “Oh…me…” made me cry. I sympathize with that so much
28 is still a younger member of the audience. Signed, a 40 year old senior citizen of the audience. 😊
This was incredible! Thank you so much for tackling this subject.
Childhood trauma angle looks strong as well. (The fundamental insecurity.) Had the same reaction as Dr. K when the caller said things about conditional affection (requiring being the best/good kid) and being responsible for one of the parent's emotions (the first seems related to the issue at discussion). Could go past that and skip to actually trying dating ranked, but I'd assume working on both at the same time would be good, as one might be the cause that's preventing the other from moving forward. If the caller chooses to fix the childhood thing first, they could risk going back to their old pattern, which doesn't seem good for progress, so both at the same time or skip.
Watching and using relationship as a metaphor of my business because I get to the point of launch and literally get too tired to perform when I have done this before two times. I'm so stuck though.