The social climate getting worse makes me feel like things are hopeless. The irony is that if you're more anti-social, then you spend more time online, but as you spend more time online, losing faith in humanity makes you more anti-social.
Notes to myself for when I inevitably come back to this at some point: No technology an hour before social interaction because pulling yourself away from technology is an emotional drain, and showing up to a social situation already drained will make you hate it Making questions and follow-up questions less fact-oriented and more towards what gets them interested/excited, this avoids conversational dead-ends and creates opportunity to give your own perspective Getting the ball rolling in conversation will allow you to sit back for the rest of it and still seem like part of the group Be a social butterfly for six months, even if it's hard, because meeting more people makes it more likely you'll meet someone you actually enjoy hanging out with. -> Encourage people you know to bring along people _they_ know This is a selective process, we're not trying to make everyone we hang out with over the course of those six months into life-long close friends of ours.
I want to add something. Remember that despite dr. K saying that people suck, and he's not wrong. They are also better than one might seem. Keep that in mind when talking to people.
He says people suck because he knows the vid is aimed at people who are uncomfortable with socializing, and if he agrees with them at the beginning they will be more likely to listen to the whole video.@@Caktusdud.
My strategy as an introvert has been to stop trying to engage with people who are already engaged in group conversation, and instead look for the other person on the fringes or edge of the group who is also not talking to anyone at that moment and go start a conversation with them. It gets the conversation ball rolling and has so much less pressure than trying to figure out how to interject into the middle of the crowd.
@harshnarayan7656 just try to genuinely get to know them. What brings them to the edge of the crowd, to the event to begin with? Finding common interests may or may not happen but it's more likely if you start with a genuine interest in the person.
@@harshnarayan7656 You have these niche interests too, so maybe talk about isolation from others, about loneliness, how good or how bad is to be alone, or how annoying are these babblers in the party, who don't let other people to talk, because want the whole attention to themselves. 😄
perhaps. I consider myself not an introvert and somewhat follow the same rules. The problem is that one can come up with numerous reasons not to talk/approach someone that feels logical.
Phone was the thing helping me cope with loads of shit honestly. I can be social but only for certain type of people. The neutral ones. Everywhere else if I open my mouth I get mocked and disrespected for no reason. Yeah I am nice but I also keep my distance and slowly stop talking, cause I can sense and feel the hostility against me. Doesnt happen if I encounter neutral and open minded people. Suddenly I can talk like a champ and the blockade, shame and fear disappears. Doesn't help that I had tons of shit ""friends"" who would mock me just for their own personal gain in social situations
Worst thing being a lonely person that don´t drink alcohol is: EVERY TIME there is a social event, every one else is drinking and getting so extremely annoying to be around. And they expect you to be the driver since you don´t drink. That is why I hate socialising and quit it all together. I simply can not stand sitting in a chair just listening to all the screaming people who turn up the volume on the music and change song every 5th second. And no one will ever like to go home until late at night, forcing you (as the driver) to stay. I am so done with that
That’s was me in a nut shell, I did drink (3 beers at the max) but stopped 4 + hours before I had to drive home. I’d let some talk me into staying till 4 in the morning, by then I’d have a migraine had to drive to a couple of homes then get myself home. I no longer socialize.
this used to be me but it's just about setting boundaries man. have fun with everyone and if you aren't having fun maybe head outside. you can always go home if you want
This is actually very interesting. I've always thought of myself as antisocial. A couple weeks ago, I went to my friends house to hang out (first time in months) and he invited a few of his friends that I only know online. It was a great time, until I woke up the next day. I was very sad, like I wanted to go back that day. Called my mom, talked it out, and my dad found out so I talked with him too. Honestly feels like I had been wasting my time online, not forming new personal relationships. I felt thoroughly depressed. Then, I figured out a way to ask my friend if he'd be willing to have me over more often when his friends are over. He said yeah. Getting it off my chest and giving myself a few days to process the emotions I was feeling was tough, but I am super happy I did it. Turns out im not anti-social, just socially anxious from a lack of in person connection. If you take anything from this, be the person to reach out and ask to hang out. It'll save you.
the thing that has helped me the most was just thinking about having my own fun and how I can make this experience enjoyable for me instead of "how can I get them to like me?" or "how can I be funny and entertaining" and in that process I end up having a better time and naturally being more conversational and likeable.
Interestingly, this resonates with something I learned back when I was into Red Pill stuff. The idea was that part of attracting a partner was to establish your own mission and recreation, then essentially find someone who is happy to come along with the ride. That way you would weed out incompatible mates and still enjoy yourself.
I hope this doesn't come as insensitive, but I've been calling this mindset in me "autistic rizz". Like I just say what I want to way, ask what I want to ask, give weird but sincere compliments... I find people are, more than anything, attracted to an authentic person that's confident about who they are (unless they are malicious or something). I have a friend that has that sassy personality, and he literally makes people laugh by roasting them to their face. And since he does it to everyone, nobody gets offended.
I haven't had a friend IRL since I was 10 y/o, I'm 22 now. I was bullied/frozen out of social circles as a kid, so that lead to me just not learning how to comfortably socialize. I'm always told I'm very good in other situations like professionally, in school, or just talking to people I meet, but I still don't feel comfortable befriending people. I feel not great due to this isolation, but I'm also not that interested in physically meeting people, most cause I have bad back and neck pain which is horrible whenever I do well, anything other than being at home. Maybe I'll turn things around one day, who knows.
You don't have to be friends with the people you meet. Frankly, I think there's a lot of value in talking to friendly strangers/acquaintances. People you see around town and recognize, say some friendly words and then go on your way. No pressure to stay in touch or make plans. Human connections don't have to be permanent, or super deep, to be meaningful.
ik it's a generic advice, but start working out. I don't think you are but if you're anxious in going to the gym, workout at home too. i bought some dumbbells and works out at home. also if you're anxious about your posture, you can always look up posture corrector stretches in youtube. i promise you, those two things will actually help in your self-esteem
I dont consider myself antisocial. I love a good conversation. The issue is theres no where you can find relationships. Everyone seems so busy with themselves these days and there's barely anywhere left to hangout outside.
Dr. K's advice reminds me of high school. I always thought it was easier to make friends back then cuz you have more energy and you're just surrounded by people. The way I see it is finding friends is kinda like mining for gold on a small individual scale. You put a fistfull of gravel in a screen bowl, you shake the hell out of it and the gold pebbles that are left are your friends but you only meet those friends by sifting through the rubble of many, many people. And by today's standards most people are rubble so I think this metaphor is spot on lol.
Real. "Shake the hell out of it" makes me think that maybe allowing conflict should be part of the process too, so that you can weed out the people who you don't get along with faster.
As a science nut, the analogy that resounded with me was "social Brownian motion". When you bump around society, you'll have a lot of "collisions" with other "social particles", but most of those won't lead to a reaction. In order to facilitate that, you have increase your collision number, and, where possible, the energy with which you bump.
Needed this so bad. I’ve completely isolated myself for years because of CPTSD but I used to be a relatively popular guy who people liked. It’s hard to be around people because I felt so misanthropic for so long due to abuse, but I also feel so lonely and regret losing all my friends. This speaks to me in a way I havent found yet.
You're definitely not alone. It feels so uncomfortable and strange to be social when I've isolated for so long. I'm a girl and have found other women to be difficult to befriend. Flaky and territorial almost, and quick to just leave me in the dust
Social hobbies or volunteering, where you're doing something together, but conversations are a side effect and not the main point. This is the way to get started. Also keeps you off your phone. For me it's group dance classes, board game nights, meetups around shared interests, volunteering, capoeira, acro yoga (not regular yoga - I find that to be devoid of human interaction, makes me feel more alone). Just find groups that share interests and focus on the interests themselves. The positive interactions will happen naturally.
@@NaanFungibull you made some good suggestions, but that's not the point of my comment. Most people are aware of what they "could do" or "should do". They struggle with some form of internal resistance to actually do it.
headphones and music. Perfect way to use technology IMO. You are wearing a tool that literally says don't talk to me. And you can use that same thing to actually think, self reflect, meditate and improve yourself. You don't need to talk with others. Make yourself into someone others want to talk to you. Its the harder way, but it makes those few that approach you truly worth your time.
More than technology, i would say most of social media apps... Instagram, tiktok, Twitter... They suck... IS mostly a group people comparing their lives to other people acting like they have "perfect" lives... And then other group like i said, acting like they have "perfect" lives for attention and external validation
Thank you so much, Dr. It's time to practice. Here are the key concepts: - Stop Comparison: Do not compare your social skills with anyone else's while socializing. If you do, acknowledge the situation, control the comparison, and focus on enjoying the conversation. - Technology fast: Avoid using technology one hour before social interaction. - Get involved in the conversation: Talk to people. Replace interview questions with open ones. A good strategy is to start a conversation.
This was me literally last night at a party I went to. It was a little easier because I was reconnecting with old friends but its very easy to slip into the bad habits/thoughts when out socializing. I plan on going out tonight again though! Thanks for the great advice!
Thank you HealthyGamerGG. I’ve unfortunately put myself in a horrid mental state. I would often hear out peoples’ criticisms of me and it only made me regress more. This video helped me perfectly understand how I feel and what I needed to do. No guilty tripping, no pressure, no fear. I realize how much I was in my own head, analyzing for the perfect scenario to step in, and the perfect thing to say and ask. I shifted my mindset to stop overthinking, just relax! It required me to be aware of my emotions and gain control of my mind. I can say I’m much happier to talk to people. As an introvert who enjoys their peace and quiet away from people, socialization just makes things easier.
Bit of an abstract idea that I think really contributes to this. Conventional parenting methods and social norms teach us how to "stay on track" with the people who are surrounding us; in other words they teach us how to socialize or keep going with our environment. Where western society has really failed in my opinion is that there's no real roadmap in this plan for what you're supposed to do once your environment becomes unhealthy or your longerstanding relationships get toxic. A subset of people feel like they've gotten "off track" and inevitably end up in a very comparitive mindset with other people they perceive are "on track" (which is rarely the case). In reality this kind of thing is way more common than most young adults realize, it's just that nobody prepares or teaches young adults to be young adults. I also think media heavily contributes here because we see so many hollywood/love story romanticizations of high school and college sweethearts, and in real life those kinds of relationships are the exception and not the norm. In the past ten years we've made that problem even worse by promoting "influencer" culture where people are literally monetizing their fake relationships for views. My strong belief is that if we really want this social issue to get better, we have to stop romanticizing the shit we already know doesn't work even if it sounds nice. That's the interpersonal equivalent of binging doughnuts on a fitness plan.
Great advice. Another thing that I learned is learn to *listen*. Don't think all the time about what you're going to say next, just absorb what the person is telling you. People love it when someone listens and they start telling you all sorts of interesting things when they encounter someone who doesn't cut them off and judge every word they said.
my main problem with people is how everyone is always defaulting to alcohol and I can't stand alcohol or its use at all, saw enough of it through chilldhood so I decided to never drink -> people who drink are not fun... after 20 years I don't even know what people do other than go to bars
I was an alcoholic two years ago, I quit and have been good since. However, I have no life anymore. I don't go out, I don't meet girls, I don't meet friends, and it's because the only time people are doing those things is when they are drinking. I also lack the confidence without it and that doesn't help.
Meeting friends thought sport activity is great or asking people around you to go try climbing/ bowling/ painting activity (can be very fun and more "crafty" than artistic), some other workshop, go to open mic, go to listen to community organized musical/ other events, go see some gallery and talk about it (bad art is still a good topic), go shop for books, go to gym or swim together, cook together... I very rarely drink and there's enough of activities what have zero to very little alcohol involved! People would love doing at least some of those things, because it is fun to try, even if it's not their gem
@@comradeweedity1648Good on you! I don't like the taste of alcohol, and in the very rare social events I go to (mostly at my work), I'm always pressured to "try" (guys, I'm in my 30s, just let me live on fruit juice and water 😅). You must be so strong to stay on your ground! Yes, it's very hard to socialize without alcohol...
When dr K says “people suck” I admit I’m definitely one of those people. But that doesn’t make other people who suck also any easier to spend time with.
I've recently ended up in a lonely spot, with my wife passing away and my step-children going to live with their dad. I have been almost nothing but in my own head over the last 6 months, with very few social interactions (friends and family don't come around much) and have seen myself grow more cynical and anti-social. This video is very helpful to me. I am starting to feel like I can get back out into the world and find myself all over again. Thank you, Dr. K, for all the time and energy you have put into this youtube channel in order to spread invaluable knowledge. You have helped me understand myself better in a lot of ways.
I'm an asperger and actually tried doing those things. Including being a social butterfly for 2y...sincerely it only made things worst for me. IT doesnt help everyone but there are those whom could benefit from it. So give it try, one never knows truly until they do
Same here. The more i socialized the worst ive felt. Even if i like some people i feel invaded by the demands that come from friendships...the supermarket, church and my parents are enough interaction. I cant get people close because then they will see my autism and it never ends well
@@etcwhatever I can mask it very well but the amount of energy it consumes is unreal. To the point it makes me puke sometimes cuz of the excess of information…it is not worth it but,at the same time, I need it.
@@Gorvak i can mask but i keep burning out. Everytime its more difficult to return to stability and to feel peaceful. I dont want to mask anymore. Even if people think ive gone mad 😆. I understand your feeling some times i came home from the office and i felt like i had to throw up and go in the bath tub. I felt dirty. A few years ago i couldnt keep my lunch in. I lost weight and was getting sick. About my work, i refused to go back to the office. My job is very specific and i have a senior position so they had to suck jt up. I cant handle offices anymore.
It’s probably late but Good luck!! To you before socializing💚 I am curious, its been 5 days and how was it? Dit you enjoying socializing more because you weren’t on technology an hour before? 💚
@@jbelaI added it to my sixth custom "watch later" playlist. Yes, I have subbed to 1k+ channels and yes, I'm somewhat addicted to YT but moreso an isolated depressed perfectionist with a severe case of FOMO missing out on everything all the time..
Went to my work christmas party and it felt like a nightmare. Just felt super awkward and embarrassed the whole time. I couldn't wait to get into my car and leave. At least I actually got myself to go.
Same, I didn't want to go but was proud I got myself to go anyway. I did leave earlier than most people but it was still a good memorable time. Not the best time but good enough experience than not going at all.
Lol, literally me... thing is they're just so over the top, bustling with people, loud music, a lot of alcohol. I don't like ANY of those things. I know Dr. K. is saying socialising is good for you, and I don't doubt that socialising can be a very rewarding and great experience, but not all social gatherings are good. Some are just downright awful.
Its ups and downs to being a loner and Loneliness is one of the downs you just have to deal with don't change because a upside is peace and people will take your peace.
I'm 24 and have only just started socializing this year. This basically sums me up but you are right, recognizing it and catching it does slowly make it easier. I can have some beers with mates now and enjoy the whole thing!
This is extremely relateable. After school I just basically worked for like 4 years before actually interacting with people my age again. It takes time to grease the wheels.
I for one actually started feeling a lot better once i got that ridiculous notion of 'having to attent social interactions regularly' out of my head. There was a point in my life where i (guess?) convinced myself that i was lonely, but that was just in my head as nothing had actually changed since i finished school looong ago. No, the hardest part for me was finding out that people in fact do suck. Up till my 20's i always thought the best of people, or tried to. Ironically, it makes you better at befriending people while also being more susceptible to bullshit, in other words naive. I'm perfectly fine begin alone most of the time and visiting - a friend - once every blue moon. If you are not like me, and you are stuggling, my hearts out to ya (or what's left of it anyways).
i actually enjoy being anti social and lonely, just means people can't force there problems onto me or annoy me, it's the most relaxed and peaceful i've been
@@Yuri_Azarov24 perhaps that will work for you but I feel you gotta not be truthful with yourself as humans are social creatures but best of luck and I hope one day you don’t have a change of heart
@@AiyukIsHim what you say is true but everyone is different, i have to choose who to let into my life carefully as there is too many fake friends and people nowadays that serve no purpose other than dragging you down with them so i learned to vibe on my own or with better people at least and thank you🫡
Yes this is a good short term solution - I know because I lived it for many years. However loneliness WILL keep coming back time and again until it becomes unbearable, and you will need to take action, eventually.
Oh my god, I love, love, love that he said that people suck more nowadays. Whenever I said that, people started their old: "yeah, it was always like this, that people complained a lot about the younger generations." To hear from a professional person this opinion is like a blessing to me. ❤❤❤
Also the starting the conversation as an introvert is key too. I remember sometimes I would ask some random question not expecting people to care, and somehow people take those questions seriously and more conversation emerges
Okay... basically I became a "social butterfly" since August to December so... 5 months now (I think I can stop now cuz I learned my lesson). For a little context my dog (also my best friend) died on April from cancer and I never really felt lonely because of my dog, but after being depressed for almost 3 months I started to develop a NECESSITY of socializing with friends (or anyone really). And I started to send messages to ALL my friends and even people I haven't talk to in YEARS... I wasn't expecting anyone to actually respond, but surprisingly a lot of them messaged me back and agreed to make plans. So I started loosing the social anxiety I've been feeling (basically all my life) cuz the thing I feared the most (being/existing without my dog) had already happened... so I just stoped overthinking everything and every word I say and how I act, etc. And yeah I started to enjoy the social interactions even with the friends of the friends of my friends... something that I would have never even imagined at the beginning of the year. Anyways... I experienced a lot of different situations (that I would have definitely avoided before) and realized it's not that serious... nothing is as important as I thought it was. So now that I have lost the fear of socializing and making new friends (and I don't have the necessity of talking and spending time with someone anymore) I feel like I can go back to being myself (not a social butterfly) and hangout with friends from time to time but not like EVERY weekend. Also... for the record being social requires high maintenance... I spent a LOT of money, time, energy and effort. And I had the luxury to put my personal life on hold to put my social life as a priority, but now I have to get done everything I left on the side... 2024 will be like the complete opposite of this year so far.
I am surprised, every time RUclips suggests HealthyGamer video to me and it’s just the most accurate thing I want listen about. Thank you for the video, I will try to implement at least one of the points into my social interactions, for starters
I’ve been in my school’s theater program for about 3 years now, and I think I can pinpoint the exact moment where my social behaviors started changing. I’ve become more open to talking to people, and though I’m still a little closed off, I’m not as anxious about it anymore. It still takes me a while to crack myself out of my shell in newer situations but the theater has taught me how to come out of that shell knowing the first place.
Im not lonely because Im alone, honestly lockdown was the best year of my life, I realized I didnt miss anybody at all and was content with my self. I am lonely now because I cant achieve my goals because of my antisocial personality. Career improvement, mental improvement, life advices and all the things I need to change require social interactions and I'm just so socially inept to do that. Edit: Mind you I've been like this since I was a kid, pre smartphone times. It's just easier to excel as a loner at school than it is in a job.
"Be a social butterfly to meets lots of people so you can find a few people you like." (paraphrasing) The thing about doing things you don't like to do in order to meet people, is that you meet people who like to do things you don't like to do. I took this advice for a while. I don't like parties and I went to parties to meet people and met people who want to spend all their time at parties. I don't drink and people kept insisting I come to the bar so I went to the bar and met people who like hanging out at a bar. It seems wild to suggest you do things you hate so you can meet other people who are also forcing themselves to do things they hate in order to meet people. I think much better advice is to find things to do that you like, so you can meet other people who like things you like.
The tip "being a social buttlefly" alone raises my stress level. 😅 I started to go to the gym a few monthes ago in order to socialize (and to be healthier, and I enjoy exercizing), but couldn't manage to have one conversation (just "hi" in the changing room).
@@grenade8572 trying to socialize in the gym is dumb. 98% of the people there want to workout, they dont give a F about you. Whoever gave you that advice is also dumb
This makes no sense. When you go to a party you dont just meet people whose sole joy in life is parties. When i go party i meet alot of different people with many different interests and hobbies because imagine that there are people who like warhammer 40k and also like to go to parties. So when i go to parties i meet people who like to draw, who nerd over warhammer 40k, people who wasted their lifes on world of warcraft, people who like horses, people who like cars, people who like to smoke weed whatever. You meet lots of different people. You dont just meet people who like parties and literally nothing else. I dont know why you think it works that way but it doesnt. So imagine you can meet someone at the bar who likes shit that you like but oh god yes he also likes to go to the fucking bar.
@@MrKrustenI mean, 9 times out of 10, if you go to parties or bars, the people you meet are drinkers.. as in, it’s a big part of their life.. since I quit drinking I have 0 interest in hanging out with people who are drinking. For a non-drinker, Trying to make friends with people who drink/party is a conflict of interest
@@MrKrustenYou've missed his point but that's ok because you have a much different perspective based on your life's events. See, You so happened to meet all these different people at parties. Imagine, everyone you've met was at that place at just the right time. You didn't plan it. but it's not luck either or s it a coincidence. In the same way, there are people that would try to do what you did and get a different result even 5 times in a row and conclude that: "this just isn't for me". Some say we attract what we think and that is true to a limit but I reckon that we're all on different paths and it all comes down to who our paths collide with.
Personally, I'm well aware why I'm anti-social, but it wasn't clear until a few years ago, as someone who's very different from the average person in terms of hobbies and what I like, specially living in a community driven country, it's hard to even get people to engage in conversations with you, they judge bluntly, even stop the conversations quick to avoid talking further. When I got to meet a group of people online who somewhat share my likes and what-not, my throat ends up hurting from chatting so much, and here's the thing, I've tried to "fit in" and ask about others likes and topics such as current events that I know are very popular around, but people tend to be less engaging with you if you're not well versed in said topic, they just kind of brush it off with a brief answer, it just seems people are actively less interested in continuing the conversation if they know you're not into it. Sometimes however, there are people who do like to talk about their hobbies and what they're up to, but almost every time this happens is because they themselves run into the same issue I have, and to be honest those are the people I enjoy talking about things the most, even if it's not my thing, because they're happy to share and I get to share mine as well. It's difficult but I try to keep the mindset of not ignoring a social opportunity these days, I used to but not anymore, even if the whole topic ends up feeling awkward. Being yourself in a country where people tend to be like minded so much is very difficult, most people just give in and give up what they like just to be part of something. I personally know what I like and what I don't, sadly, this is mostly the things that people around me like, but it is what it is, doesn't stop me from meeting new people even if I don't end up connecting with them I at least get slightly better at engaging with new people. You don't have to give up what you enjoy to fit in with others, it just makes it more difficult, but every now and then you meet folks who are in the same situation and you can learn from them in the process, also, learning a new language can open a whole other level of social interactions, if you're thinking about learning a new language, do it, it is a interesting topic to talk about with others as well, trust me.
This is random lol but what exactly are your hobbies? This is purely out of curiosity, Im just wondering what type of hobbies could be considered out of the norm in another country
@@Whenwintersleeps Not random at all but thanks for asking lol, to be honest they're not so much "out of the norm" by internet standars but more like what people consider taboo in my country. I'm Hispanic so there's a lot of taboo around here, I remember vividly when I was growing up, had some of my mother's friends came by with their kids and they were upset and made a bit of a fuzz about the video game I was playing calling it "Satanic" for one, and I was just playing Super Mario Bros 3 lol Even today people my age tend to frown upon the fact I tell them I enjoy games a lot, and gets worse when I mention I enjoy Metal, Rock and Punk and such. People here just tend to assume everyone else enjoys the same things because almost everyone grows up with it, soccer, regueton music, strong religious ideas and anime, none of which I'm interested in to be honest. And even if you try to keep a conversation going most cut the conversations short because of it. Not everyone's like this however I've met a few people who endure the same problem and they're a delight to share and talk to, funny thing is that almost all of them go through the same problem of isolation and sort of anti social behavior, thankfully newer generations have broken the mold and I see more variety in hobbies and what people like, so thing are changing.
Man, I have the similiar issue as well...this is quite random too but I need to express how I feel Throughout my 2 years of high school after the quarantine ended... I've become more lonely... Due to the fact that people around me tend to judge me for being who I am... You see... I love video games a lot.. Ever since I was a kid.. There's other niche stuff that I like too... But most people just shrug it off and not interested when I talk about my stuff...They expect me to talk about what most people do... Like sports.. For example... So I ended up spending my 2 years of high school just being an outsider for the most part... They always invite me to do stuff together but I always decline.. Mostly because the stuff that they invite me doesn't interest me.. I did joined one... But it was too exhausting and I didn't even really enjoy on what they're doing....Plus,I always do my own things after school..I didn't find a single person that's worth for me to be fully connect with in school.. I also always skip school events (like sports day or smth like that) cause it feels really retiring.. Even graduation day feels. Like a burden ... It's because I feel that I don't truly belong there... All those people in school... Now that school has ended... I can only truly rely on myself and my family... I have online friends too.. But those friends I feel like really really weird to talk to..and also to meet up with.. They are those neckbeard,perverts and weebs that I feel like will destroy my life if I get any closer to them...And also I only play games with them and join vc whenever I like to.. I still don't feel like I belong with them when I talk to them... Speaking of which.. I made my school and online persona to try to fit with them... But it ended up making me feel more lonely than I was before.. Especially online persona.. I didn't know how perverted, unhinged and cringy they are with stuff sometimes.. Sheesh.... I'm 18 now.. And I have ended my school life just a few months ago...Throughout my life, I always do my own things and haven't really enjoy going out with people, or even hanging out with them.. And I just realised how important social life is after school has ended.. I really didn't pay attention to social life ever in my entire life.. I used to treat school as a place for learning.. Not to socialize.. So I always skip school events.. Now I just realised how important it was... So what can I really say is... Not in my life that I go to meet, hangout and have fun with others except while gaming.. Even so..I still prefer singleplayer games... I remembered crying just from watching a show about friends hanging out together and at the end of the show... They were saying each other goodbyes and parted their ways after being together.. It sounds silly but I cried from that..Due to the fact that I haven't experienced any of those in my life
This is blowing my mind.. Thank you. The past month or so I’ve been totally absorbed by RUclips. I know I need to step away from the device but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. A lot of what you’re saying speaks to the part of me that wants to get away from the overstimulation that is this platform. Ironic. Thanks again.
Acting classes! They helped me so much being comfortable in front of strangers by ridding the fear of judgement. Perfect setting to expose yourself to uncomfortable interactions, and a great way to meet new people there for the same reasons. I have a guy in my class that owns his own successful construction company, and is only there to get better at public speaking.
At first I was gonna say my new years resolution is to make a new friend, but I like this whole socialize for 6 months thing. Play the friend field and see what grows. I hate having two friends who are always busy.
Thank you for confirming that the move is to make sustained repeated efforts on meeting a bunch of new people until finding the cool ones. That's what I thought, but I tend not to trust that my own ideas are good until confirmed by a pro/cool-person ^__^
This is my whole problem! I’ve never been able to articulate it more than “I’m antisocial AND lonely and it’s awful” but it makes sense! Thank you so much!!
I feel you. The smae thing happens to me. But here's the mistake, you don't have to push those feelings down. Noticing them, simply means that, noticing them. Don't engage with them, just notice they are there. Both dwelling on an emotion and trying to push it away is engaging with it.
@@dutoXXXyes this works for me I've been trying this the past few times where I am feeling an emotion or anxious though that can cause me to spiral into shame and anxiety I just sit with it and "look" at it and it loses its power over me. This works though because I am medicated for anxiety so if anyone personally suffers from going 0 to 100 instantly then meds will help you be able to develop skills.
I think what people need to realize that It's good to be alone. You 100% rather to be alone than being with wrong people. It goes both ways. People don't want to waste time with you and you don't want to waste time with them. Most important thing in life that you need to find out is your niche while you're alone. What can you do as an individual to make someone's life better. Then people will automatically come to you. If you can't find your niche then you're going to be alone until you find it.
I’m an introvert and selective about my friends, but I learned to schmooz at parties as a child. I learned that all people are interesting if you ask the right questions. Most people enjoy talking about themselves so you can’t lose. You can also learn to steer the conversation in a positive direction. Don’t worry if at first you get a grumpy response, but if they don’t snap out of it move on.
As an 17-year old Male Autism, All these steps are basically pointless, I don't know if there are ANY women AND men (UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING THEY CAN EXPLOIT FROM YOU) Who are even REMOTELY interested in just being friends, nevermind being in a relationship with me, since people just reject us immediately and labels us as wierdos, loners, and creeps, when in reality, its just that we are more naturally Socially Awkward and Shy. On top of that, we always get rejected, dismissed, abandoned, alienated, back-stabbed, and verbally/physically bullied for being our true Authentic and Autistic selves and expressing our true feelings, especially when we were younger.
I was never diagnosed with anything but l absolutely feel you, this was pretty much how l was treated for the majority of my life. Bur the meassage still holds true, most people suck and in the end it all comes down to you having to find your tribe. Also you're still relatively young, the teen age was my worst time as well but it gets much better once you become older and surround yourself with more experienced, mature and eventually likeminded people. We all have to go through our personal hell at one point, see it as a challenge to master and grow stronger from because once you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
You sound a bit paranoid or perhaps you're making excuses for yourself to avoid having to do anything about your situation. First of all, the easiest thing when you 're neurodivergent is to befriend other neurodivergent people. Pretty much all my friends are diagnosed with either autism or adhd or score really high on online autism tests. Thus, the advice in this video is still solid (if perhaps a bit hard to implement imo). "Just" go out and meet lots of people and hang on to the few that you vibe with (which is most likely going to be neurodivergent people). This is of course infinitely easier if given a convenient social context such as school, so make good use of it while you can.
While this is somewhat true based on statistics (the rejection and alienation), it's also been studied that once you disclose your diagnosis, knowing a reason for behaviours calms people down and makes them see you in a more positive light again. Ofc, I do not always want to bring autism up, if I'm not hanging out with an autistic person or someone I'm close with, but being more open and sharing a bit of vulnerabilities can make a connection easier. Simple "I'm nervous right now" can do wonders, even for people who do professional speeches and are expected to act "correctly". Some people do such and aren't empathetic or don't want to accommodate different communication styles, but there ARE people who are all of that. I'm very slow at befriending people and usually keep people far away (not purposefully, I just can't message people I don't know easily or share facts about myself), but there are few people who have stayed with me and became friends with me, even if it took longer time than usual. There also were teachers and bosses that showed me empathy while I was feeling very vulnerable about opening up. Being social has risks of rejection, but without it there's just loneliness
My son has autism and struggled with the same things as you. He discovered that if he met people who have mutual interests like music, instruments or animals that they can form a common bond. Now he is friends with people who have similar interests and he’s much happier. Keep in mind that maintaining friendships can be awfully hard for everyone at times. As always, do the things that make you happy in this life! Have a great day!
The thing is, comparing ourselves to others and having inferiority complexes are mostly involuntary. You can't really decide to stop; it has to happen organically and indirectly.
@@lucasgill7819 I don't know how you "decide" to stop though. That's like telling someone to decide to stop being sad when someone dies, or stop being happy when something good happens.
@@schw0373 when I say " decide to stop" it's you thinking "I need to stop it", nothing more, nothing less. It's not about the act of stopping it, it's about the acknowledgment that you need to stop. When you start to acknowledge it, you start to seek solutions. I hope I'm being clear. It' s difficult to explain, but it' s one of those things that becomes cristal clear when you feel it
@@lucasgill7819 As someone who has struggled with social comparisons, I've acknowledged years ago that it needs to stop. But it hasn't succeeded, and that's because I don't see any "direct" or obvious solutions.
@@schw0373 maybe because there is no direct solutions, it's more like a path you have to walk. I've been there too (sometimes still am), so I can tell you that it' s not easy or obviuos. Something that helped me a lot is to make a habit of really focus in the other person when I'm talking to someone. That way I'm less in my own head (wich is the place from all my anxieties come) and more in the moment. There are many practical "tricks" to accomplish it, but it's more like exercising a muscle: you have to do it over a period of time until your emotional muscles get accustomed and you start doing it naturally. But yeah, there is no magical solution, it's all work, and you have to find a way that suits your particular personality
Dr. K, I cannot express enough gratitude for this video. It feels like you uploaded it perfectly as I'm about to start a new professional opportunity where I'll certainly have to socialize! I wrote down some of your tips in a google document and feel much more at ease with why I should go about this process! Thanks so much!
i am 29 and at the point of giving up on having a life and career. i got a degree that i cant really use, and i cant fathom the idea of starting from scratch with a 3-5 year long new one, especially because i cannot pick and limit myself to one specialized route, and it seems that is the only way to be interlectually succesful in this western world. i have been depressed and out of work for the most of the last 3.5 years while moved back with my mom after covid, breakup, depression, loss of school, loss of hope in getting a job and succes with my interest. i studied a bachelor in history, but here in denmark its needed to ahve masters and even then the prospects seems sheit. most of all it generally seems like a lot of jobs and careers are based on bs and networking and i am an intp/entp and hate networking and even if i did i feel its dirty and not a worthy way to get jobs, and if that truly is what society thinks is the moral way to ge ta job but being very hypersocial, i cant really see anywhere for me to fit in that system.
I struggle like this as well, almost exactly like you describe. Feeling lost and useless. My mother and grandmother are the reason I haven't ended it all yet.
Hey, I'm Belgian and have a master in french litrerature. My gial was being a teacher... and I became one. but after a few monthes in the professional world, I realized how a mistake this goal was. It's not easy to find a job with such a diplom, but I finally managed to work in the public services (it took me almost 2 years of try and retry befote being accepted), in a job that's absolutely not related to my studies (the requirement was only having at a least a bachelor, no matter the field). I was almost 30 back then, and it's been 3 years. So don't be desesperate, you can find good opportunities without having to study all over again.😊
we win each day my friend. and those two are good reasons to live. its just hard to live in the zoo we call society. just try to realise that the natural world is more real and we should at least try to immitate that, even if its just a national park, still beats a zoo.@@enrikoheringh5520
I actually like people, I just lose energy being around them. I always start off well (talking) but then I start to retreat mentally and my anxiety shoots up. I also withdraw from people that care about me and avoid hanging out with people. The result is that I had no friends in high school and college and was extremely sad/feeling like a loser. I’m going to law school soon and I don’t want to repeat my experience of feeling like a loser and having no friends for a third time.
you get it wrong, i hate socializing if i don't plan for this at least two days in advance. it's a massive time sink that holds you back from doing stuff and keeps your work late
Duuude I can't believe how much on time you are. My Dad helped me to find a new apartment today, which means I'll move into the city, which means I'm gonna have a job and find new people and I literally thought about how I've grown over the past couple years of depression and that I finally believe that opening up and doing courageous things will bear fruits (I live in a small town, most of my friends moved away after graduating and the ones left are mainly interested in booze, weed and gossip). I literally thought about this a couple minutes ago and here's a video about exactly what I'm going through, kinda.
dictionaries grow by the habitual language use of the unwashed masses, antisocial and asocial are noted as synonyms because most people don't care about accurate or nuanced vocabulary. In psychology and psychiatry, there's a clear distinction.
1. Confidence. Do whatever it takes to force yourself into more situations that involves you engaging with the public for example... 2. Fear is a good thing. It's good to get nervous etc. that's how we learn and adapt as people in a good way. You can't progress if you don't accept we will make mistakes and make bad decisions lol. Doesn't mean the World will stop. We have to keep moving forward. 3. Self improvement. Only we can REALLY change ourselves. From negative thinking to keeping more physically fit and changing how/what we eat or drink etc...Get out comfort zones and get familiar with uncomfortable situations lol. Sounds weird but it will build your character so much. Reap the rewards of hard work. 4. You're not alone. Plenty of people all over the World are feeling very similar to yourselves otherwise you wouldn't be watching this video....Ask if you need help. Really is that simple! 5. Mindset is King/Queen. Change the way you think or act. Our brains and bodies will gradually adapt to it's best possible potential depending on ourselves and disabilities/impairments etc.. Also don't be afraid to fail sometimes... that's how we Grow.
Dr. K: “You’re at a party feeling anxious so what do you do?” Me: “leave” Dr. K: “you pull out your phone” Me: “see, you used a half measure when you should’ve used a full measure”
It is scary how well you are describing certain situations i have been in and the emotions i have felt in those moments. Then again i am happy you are here tp help me grow from them now. Thank you
00:00 Why social interactions are painful - People are getting worse due to technology, emotional dysregulation, and radicalization - People make comparisons that damage their self-esteem and engagement - People experience negative emotional rebound after using technology 11:11 How to improve one’s enjoyment of socializing - Avoid technology for an hour before socializing - Ask open-ended and positive questions that show interest - Share one’s own perspective and empathize with others - Steer the conversation in ways that one feels comfortable - Talk about hot button issues that engage people 18:01 How to be a social butterfly for six months - Meet as many people as possible to find the most tolerable and enjoyable ones - Ask one’s core group of friends to invite more people - Start the conversation and then be quiet and listen - Break the cycle of loneliness and socialization Source: Bing AI
When Dr K said people Suck, I immediately could Identify. With my experiece people do suck, interms they don't bother to put any effort to communicate , you always have to be first one to reach out.
Hearing him literally say that people suck just makes so much sense to me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but It is true, in my experience. People didn't always suck, though. At least most didn't. It's just that generally people are getting worse and worse with each passing year, and for a lot of different reasons. Social media being just one of them.
My problem is that I have severe social anxiety, and have no idea how to talk to other people. I have no idea what to say, so i just say nothing at all.
You probably have an idea, but haven't put it to practice or had limited results with certain groups. What he says does work, even if a long process. I'd make sure to make eye contact and smile a little at strangers, get familiar with the area before talking. The questions aspect mentioned does work, or jumping into someone's comment on a recent matter (that line could be quicker, that person could've dropped off over there, etc) Reflect and summarize on any new experience you had for conversation fodder (me visiting new theme parks for comparison talk) Overall, do expect a high failure rate as making friends from nothing is naturally hard. Others have family or small friend groups to cling to so they seem socially functional...until they venture on their own. Also harder as adults when we're all busy, and clubs and classes can be attended without socializing or making new friends. I take it in stride to practice being familiar at all, don't expect finding best friends for a long time.
8:00 I'd disagree with that one comment. Gaming is the only thing holding me together emotional these days. I've noticed the best way to start the day is accomplishing one thing in a game before I leave the house. It's effective because I'm starting my day with some actual purpose and enjoyment.
I just need money and im fine being alone, but i don't have money and im forced to socialize in order to get a job to earn money... A real freaking nightmare...
Honestly, even as someone who sucks ass at social situations, I gotta admit it's kinda funny to think that we're being taught basic social skills for the current day but it has been very insightful and helped me reflect on some things I do in a new light. These videos tend to do that for me and I love it. Thank Dr K!
Thank you for suggestions on what questions to ask. It gives at least a direction if not more. I've looked a lot at conversations starters when loneliness got bad enough, but it all showed the same stuff, mainly small talk. You make it sound that these open ended questions can turn out into an interesting conversation. I'm definitely going to give it a try!
On behalf of the introverts and loners, myself included, We like to thank you so much for educating us on this subject. More people should know about this and to help reduce the sourness towards people's attitudes.
100% the social score keeping for those interview questions! I once visited my sister and we were at a diner and talking with the owner who happened to also be pinoy.. She asked us both what we did for work and I said I teach music, my sister said she's a speech pathologist and man the body language was deafening! Did not ask me a single question more nor acknowledge anything more I said
- Try to meet as many people as possible, in order to find around 5 friends in 6 Months - Start the conversation - Try to stay away from technology for at least 1 hour, is better to have a walk or stay with yourself - Don't make comparison, try to be aware when you are comparing yourself to others, in this way your mind will compare less
I’ve got social anxiety. I had it since I was really young. Yeah most people suck but I don’t hate them. And the people I do like, I don’t like because I don’t like who I am when I’m around them.
Doesn’t antisocial refer to traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder? Which is way different from just not liking to socialize. And asocial is for people who just don’t care for social interaction?
Right.. as a healthcare professional I hoped he would have clarified this. To be fair, antisocial could also mean that someone is not social. The problem is that people mislabel themselves as having Antisocial PD without knowing it describes those who have sociopathic behaviors.
The video title doesn't say disorder and he doesn't mention the disorder in the video itself, it should be safe to assume that he's not referring to it.
Hm he does mention losing empathy as a result of burnout and being radicalized in internet echo chambers ... so he actually might be refering to antisocial and not just asocial tendencies
He is often bad at understanding some concepts. He lacks a lot of philosophical knowledge, not just the understanding of general psychological ideas. Not saying he is a bad therapist or anything like that though
I've always seen it that the word Antisocial has two meanings. 1. to not enjoy or feel happy in the company of others/to be somewhat misanthropic but with normal to high empathy. This can be a temporary, long-term or permanent state often caused by depression or general life problems. 2. To be sociopathic with little to no empathy, as in Antisocial Personality Disorder. The term 'asocial' was never used when I was growing up, it seems to be a newer term for the first meaning, probably because the words psychopath and sociopath have been replaced with the term ASPD.
I've been watching your videos for like 2 weeks now (like 4-5 video per day) and in most case you perfectly nail how I feel but not the reason of why it's happening (for me at least). Exemple for this one would be : Yes I am anti social and feel lonely but I do not compare myself to other and I dont use "tech" before meeting pepole IRL (I have a old nokia phone so just sms/calls), in my case i'd say I dont like social interaction because most one i've had in my life felt like a waste of time, either not intresting or strait up bad. Honestly scares me a bit since I've been going to terrapy for 8 years and you're the one that get the closest to how I feel things. Sorry if it's a bit negative, I enjoy your work anyway it help thinking about what I should change (or at least try to)
I want to ask how come most youtubers don't get dark circles? This was a really great content you covered. I hate being with group or at a family event. It is too damn draining but I also feel like I'm lonely and also losing brain cells. I am also quite lazy and socializing requires being provactive and also you are showing your vulnerable side. Like when I am interacting with my relatives all the question being what are you doing now? Oh you are preparing for competitive exam? but isn't it tough? No way you are gonna clear it. Find some job!" Like that.
People would just hurt me, im not really taking the risks. Huge turn off trying to engage with other people with interests like mine or similar. My brain just tells me to be alone and so i can be best protected from people who have a chance to hurt or ruin my life
I have overcome the "gets so lonely you have to force yourself to socialize". It is a lot more resource-efficient than forcing yourself to fit into a mold you're not made for. If you're always the one who has to make an effort to experience socialization positively, it's because you don't belong to this world. The other people are always making gladly making the effort, reaching out, leading conversations and listening each other, except to you. Why? Get the hint. You're not one of them, and you don't have even the potential to become one of them in a way that it won't stop being a struggle eventually. You belong to a better place, with better people.
In a bit of a dark place ATM and I interpreted that wrong at first. Intrusive thoughts. Thought you were talkin about the good people who have left us and joining them.
You would belong to this world regardless of how well you fit in. I can prove it too, unless you have an alien space ship or something else really cool and otherworldly
I am alone, spend most of my days going to medical appointments and am a full time permanent patient and I am oddly happy, I have everything I need and want nothing material beyond the basics and I spend my days learning or consuming educational content on any topic. Growing up I was much the same and in my 20s I pretended to care about the physical world or day to day endeavors mostly because of a hormonal drive to find women that happily faded long ago. I was very sore at this time and I knew my body was a ticking time bomb so I drove it hard as I could hoping to become so strong I would last forever and ate like I would live to 200, but the pain of whatever the fuck is going on with me grew and doctors told me to be more active with supreme levels of gas lighting. Now I struggle to walk and have 6 or more hours of migraines a day but life is good. I had my fun and have the memories to prove it... I also have the memories of my decline both emotionally and physically until I threw my hands in the air and focussed on my health. Since then my smile is real and at least I am honest about my pain now.
10 minutes in and everything makes sense but all I can think about is how I see a bunch of people with their friends and technology is involved but they’re still having fun. Doing snapchat things and filming funny stuff or whatever. As someone who has no friend outside of certain locations like school or work, I still have no answer for myself. Even at work I’ll sit by a group of 3-4 people who I have had good conversations with all but they will all be on their phones texting their friends and I have nobody to text. Then if I try to spark conversation it usually won’t last. Or a lot of times people are already talking about other people that they know so there’s no room for me to butt in because I have no affiliation to the conversation.
Well if I'm being honest, those series of questions, where are you from, where did you study? What’s your job etc are the reasons I stopped socializing. Feels more like a job interview
I have a job that I need to interact constantly with people during 7/8h (patients and collegues) a day. So when I have a pause like for lunch or when Im done with working I cannot (literally) being around people because I fell drained to the bone
So....anytime someone I work with asks me what I "like to do for fun" I sort of freeze up and just can't tell them without being very tense and awkward about it. As Dr. K pointed out, anytime I get asked this it feels like I'm being interviewed, and at times it even feels like I'm being grilled. What can I do about this?
Maybe practice a few responses to have ready for this question. Ie "Oh I love hiking, I'm hoping to walk such and such trail this weekend" or "I'm into jazz so I try to go to jazz nights as often as I can" or "I'm more of a homebody, I love watching old films and baking different types of cakes." Adapt to whatever your hobbies are. It can help you feel less on the spot to have a relaxed, fun response at the ready. I started doing this after a colleague kept putting me on the spot asking what I was doing after work that day (she wasn't inviting me to socialise as she was going out with her partner, I think she was just curious about my life and wondered if I also had a partner). It made me feel a bit uncomfortable so I practiced a few phrases which reduced my worry if she asked again.
What do you like to do for fun? It helps if you actually have an answer you want to talk about, if you just spend all day in bed it's annoying when people ask
The social climate getting worse makes me feel like things are hopeless. The irony is that if you're more anti-social, then you spend more time online, but as you spend more time online, losing faith in humanity makes you more anti-social.
I am currently stuck in a bad spiral like this and it sucks
@@alexanderbezumov3531 same
Exact same.
Flip the coin, if you get better at socializing you will have the upper hand over the majority of people out there and make you seem super charismatic
Dude same ب_ب
Notes to myself for when I inevitably come back to this at some point:
No technology an hour before social interaction
because pulling yourself away from technology is an emotional drain,
and showing up to a social situation already drained will make you hate it
Making questions and follow-up questions less fact-oriented and more towards what gets them interested/excited,
this avoids conversational dead-ends and
creates opportunity to give your own perspective
Getting the ball rolling in conversation will allow you to sit back for the rest of it and still seem like part of the group
Be a social butterfly for six months, even if it's hard,
because meeting more people makes it more likely you'll meet someone you actually enjoy hanging out with.
-> Encourage people you know to bring along people _they_ know
This is a selective process, we're not trying to make everyone we hang out with over the course of those six months into life-long close friends of ours.
You got it
I want to add something.
Remember that despite dr. K saying that people suck, and he's not wrong.
They are also better than one might seem. Keep that in mind when talking to people.
❤
Also don't forget to LOVE YOURSELF
He says people suck because he knows the vid is aimed at people who are uncomfortable with socializing, and if he agrees with them at the beginning they will be more likely to listen to the whole video.@@Caktusdud.
My strategy as an introvert has been to stop trying to engage with people who are already engaged in group conversation, and instead look for the other person on the fringes or edge of the group who is also not talking to anyone at that moment and go start a conversation with them. It gets the conversation ball rolling and has so much less pressure than trying to figure out how to interject into the middle of the crowd.
Seems like a really good idea , but how do you find common ground or things to talk about since they tend to have some niche interests and hobbies
@harshnarayan7656 just try to genuinely get to know them. What brings them to the edge of the crowd, to the event to begin with? Finding common interests may or may not happen but it's more likely if you start with a genuine interest in the person.
@@harshnarayan7656 You have these niche interests too, so maybe talk about isolation from others, about loneliness, how good or how bad is to be alone, or how annoying are these babblers in the party, who don't let other people to talk, because want the whole attention to themselves. 😄
@@flamart9703why start on a negative note lol
perhaps. I consider myself not an introvert and somewhat follow the same rules. The problem is that one can come up with numerous reasons not to talk/approach someone that feels logical.
Loneliness while being antisocial is like being hungry without a mouth.
Watching others gorging themselves becomes the worst
Damn that’s a good analogy
@@GilgameschUruk Facts
Scream is like a whisper
Too real wtf fed
I have no mouth and i must eat
Mom was right, It do be that damn phone.
I shouldve listened 😔
when you thought she was wrong is where we lost in the first place.
Phone was the thing helping me cope with loads of shit honestly. I can be social but only for certain type of people. The neutral ones. Everywhere else if I open my mouth I get mocked and disrespected for no reason. Yeah I am nice but I also keep my distance and slowly stop talking, cause I can sense and feel the hostility against me. Doesnt happen if I encounter neutral and open minded people. Suddenly I can talk like a champ and the blockade, shame and fear disappears. Doesn't help that I had tons of shit ""friends"" who would mock me just for their own personal gain in social situations
Nah being on my phone more is the result of other people
Exactly. It kept me in a bubble of deceptive comfort. I wish I figured this out years ago, but I'm happy I did now.
Worst thing being a lonely person that don´t drink alcohol is: EVERY TIME there is a social event, every one else is drinking and getting so extremely annoying to be around. And they expect you to be the driver since you don´t drink. That is why I hate socialising and quit it all together. I simply can not stand sitting in a chair just listening to all the screaming people who turn up the volume on the music and change song every 5th second. And no one will ever like to go home until late at night, forcing you (as the driver) to stay. I am so done with that
Just say you're drunk. Easy
@@papabird4425one thing drunks notice more than anything is who is ,has been drinking.
That’s was me in a nut shell, I did drink (3 beers at the max) but stopped 4 + hours before I had to drive home. I’d let some talk me into staying till 4 in the morning, by then I’d have a migraine had to drive to a couple of homes then get myself home. I no longer socialize.
this used to be me but it's just about setting boundaries man. have fun with everyone and if you aren't having fun maybe head outside. you can always go home if you want
When you don't drink and don't want to be around people who do. You better make friends with solitude.
This is actually very interesting. I've always thought of myself as antisocial. A couple weeks ago, I went to my friends house to hang out (first time in months) and he invited a few of his friends that I only know online. It was a great time, until I woke up the next day. I was very sad, like I wanted to go back that day. Called my mom, talked it out, and my dad found out so I talked with him too. Honestly feels like I had been wasting my time online, not forming new personal relationships. I felt thoroughly depressed. Then, I figured out a way to ask my friend if he'd be willing to have me over more often when his friends are over. He said yeah. Getting it off my chest and giving myself a few days to process the emotions I was feeling was tough, but I am super happy I did it. Turns out im not anti-social, just socially anxious from a lack of in person connection.
If you take anything from this, be the person to reach out and ask to hang out. It'll save you.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this
Believe Jesus get saved read kjv watch gene Kim go to good church with real born again believers
I relate to this
I feel that. I always thought I was introverted even though I loved being in public. Turns out I just had social anxiety and poor social skills.
the thing that has helped me the most was just thinking about having my own fun and how I can make this experience enjoyable for me instead of "how can I get them to like me?" or "how can I be funny and entertaining" and in that process I end up having a better time and naturally being more conversational and likeable.
Interestingly, this resonates with something I learned back when I was into Red Pill stuff. The idea was that part of attracting a partner was to establish your own mission and recreation, then essentially find someone who is happy to come along with the ride. That way you would weed out incompatible mates and still enjoy yourself.
This is true. When you have fun by yourself, people will join to you who resonate.
I love this approach ❤️
I hope this doesn't come as insensitive, but I've been calling this mindset in me "autistic rizz". Like I just say what I want to way, ask what I want to ask, give weird but sincere compliments... I find people are, more than anything, attracted to an authentic person that's confident about who they are (unless they are malicious or something). I have a friend that has that sassy personality, and he literally makes people laugh by roasting them to their face. And since he does it to everyone, nobody gets offended.
lol youre still driven by acceptance tho lmaoo😂😂
I haven't had a friend IRL since I was 10 y/o, I'm 22 now. I was bullied/frozen out of social circles as a kid, so that lead to me just not learning how to comfortably socialize. I'm always told I'm very good in other situations like professionally, in school, or just talking to people I meet, but I still don't feel comfortable befriending people. I feel not great due to this isolation, but I'm also not that interested in physically meeting people, most cause I have bad back and neck pain which is horrible whenever I do well, anything other than being at home. Maybe I'll turn things around one day, who knows.
You don't have to be friends with the people you meet. Frankly, I think there's a lot of value in talking to friendly strangers/acquaintances. People you see around town and recognize, say some friendly words and then go on your way. No pressure to stay in touch or make plans. Human connections don't have to be permanent, or super deep, to be meaningful.
You got this. I believe in you.
Depression creates/worsens physical pain. If your pain is chronic, maybe look into a support group?
ik it's a generic advice, but start working out. I don't think you are but if you're anxious in going to the gym, workout at home too. i bought some dumbbells and works out at home. also if you're anxious about your posture, you can always look up posture corrector stretches in youtube. i promise you, those two things will actually help in your self-esteem
@@ayanabeads1614then what happens if groups are impossible to join
I dont consider myself antisocial. I love a good conversation. The issue is theres no where you can find relationships. Everyone seems so busy with themselves these days and there's barely anywhere left to hangout outside.
Dr. K's advice reminds me of high school. I always thought it was easier to make friends back then cuz you have more energy and you're just surrounded by people. The way I see it is finding friends is kinda like mining for gold on a small individual scale. You put a fistfull of gravel in a screen bowl, you shake the hell out of it and the gold pebbles that are left are your friends but you only meet those friends by sifting through the rubble of many, many people. And by today's standards most people are rubble so I think this metaphor is spot on lol.
Real. "Shake the hell out of it" makes me think that maybe allowing conflict should be part of the process too, so that you can weed out the people who you don't get along with faster.
As a science nut, the analogy that resounded with me was "social Brownian motion". When you bump around society, you'll have a lot of "collisions" with other "social particles", but most of those won't lead to a reaction. In order to facilitate that, you have increase your collision number, and, where possible, the energy with which you bump.
Another analogy is weeding out the bad people
Needed this so bad. I’ve completely isolated myself for years because of CPTSD but I used to be a relatively popular guy who people liked. It’s hard to be around people because I felt so misanthropic for so long due to abuse, but I also feel so lonely and regret losing all my friends. This speaks to me in a way I havent found yet.
❤
Your ability to articulate that gives me confidence you will overcome it!
i relate to this so much, trent
Duuuude literally exact same situation
You're definitely not alone. It feels so uncomfortable and strange to be social when I've isolated for so long. I'm a girl and have found other women to be difficult to befriend. Flaky and territorial almost, and quick to just leave me in the dust
I feel that I actually prefer staying lonely for my entire life than trying to become a social butterfly, that's kinda insane for an antisocial
"Be a social butterfly" - Dr.K, these are not the validating hacks I was looking for 👀
Yeah my brain immediately says no no no
@JudahSixteen11 good advice in general
Yeah, as more i watch this channel then more I see a sort of advices like “…just buy a house”😅
Social hobbies or volunteering, where you're doing something together, but conversations are a side effect and not the main point. This is the way to get started. Also keeps you off your phone. For me it's group dance classes, board game nights, meetups around shared interests, volunteering, capoeira, acro yoga (not regular yoga - I find that to be devoid of human interaction, makes me feel more alone). Just find groups that share interests and focus on the interests themselves. The positive interactions will happen naturally.
@@NaanFungibull you made some good suggestions, but that's not the point of my comment. Most people are aware of what they "could do" or "should do". They struggle with some form of internal resistance to actually do it.
Every day I keep finding more reasons to stay off technology, through the use of technology.....
It's similar to 'I used stones to destroy stones. ' lol (Thanos reference)
headphones and music. Perfect way to use technology IMO.
You are wearing a tool that literally says don't talk to me.
And you can use that same thing to actually think, self reflect, meditate and improve yourself.
You don't need to talk with others.
Make yourself into someone others want to talk to you.
Its the harder way, but it makes those few that approach you truly worth your time.
Using it, rather than being used by it.
More than technology, i would say most of social media apps... Instagram, tiktok, Twitter... They suck... IS mostly a group people comparing their lives to other people acting like they have "perfect" lives... And then other group like i said, acting like they have "perfect" lives for attention and external validation
All my jobs on technology, can’t quit it…
Thank you so much, Dr. It's time to practice. Here are the key concepts:
- Stop Comparison: Do not compare your social skills with anyone else's while socializing. If you do, acknowledge the situation, control the comparison, and focus on enjoying the conversation.
- Technology fast: Avoid using technology one hour before social interaction.
- Get involved in the conversation: Talk to people. Replace interview questions with open ones. A good strategy is to start a conversation.
Finally, Dr K makes us feel less lonely with his video and voice.
And that's what we call para-social
😂😂
yeah just eat ice cream lol like tf how is that difficult
@BangerContent how do you live with yourself
@@irrelevanttwatit’s easy, they’re 10
This was me literally last night at a party I went to. It was a little easier because I was reconnecting with old friends but its very easy to slip into the bad habits/thoughts when out socializing. I plan on going out tonight again though! Thanks for the great advice!
Heck yeah. Kick@ss!
Thank you HealthyGamerGG. I’ve unfortunately put myself in a horrid mental state. I would often hear out peoples’ criticisms of me and it only made me regress more. This video helped me perfectly understand how I feel and what I needed to do. No guilty tripping, no pressure, no fear. I realize how much I was in my own head, analyzing for the perfect scenario to step in, and the perfect thing to say and ask. I shifted my mindset to stop overthinking, just relax! It required me to be aware of my emotions and gain control of my mind. I can say I’m much happier to talk to people. As an introvert who enjoys their peace and quiet away from people, socialization just makes things easier.
Bit of an abstract idea that I think really contributes to this. Conventional parenting methods and social norms teach us how to "stay on track" with the people who are surrounding us; in other words they teach us how to socialize or keep going with our environment. Where western society has really failed in my opinion is that there's no real roadmap in this plan for what you're supposed to do once your environment becomes unhealthy or your longerstanding relationships get toxic. A subset of people feel like they've gotten "off track" and inevitably end up in a very comparitive mindset with other people they perceive are "on track" (which is rarely the case). In reality this kind of thing is way more common than most young adults realize, it's just that nobody prepares or teaches young adults to be young adults. I also think media heavily contributes here because we see so many hollywood/love story romanticizations of high school and college sweethearts, and in real life those kinds of relationships are the exception and not the norm. In the past ten years we've made that problem even worse by promoting "influencer" culture where people are literally monetizing their fake relationships for views.
My strong belief is that if we really want this social issue to get better, we have to stop romanticizing the shit we already know doesn't work even if it sounds nice. That's the interpersonal equivalent of binging doughnuts on a fitness plan.
Great advice. Another thing that I learned is learn to *listen*. Don't think all the time about what you're going to say next, just absorb what the person is telling you. People love it when someone listens and they start telling you all sorts of interesting things when they encounter someone who doesn't cut them off and judge every word they said.
my main problem with people is how everyone is always defaulting to alcohol and I can't stand alcohol or its use at all, saw enough of it through chilldhood so I decided to never drink -> people who drink are not fun... after 20 years I don't even know what people do other than go to bars
I was an alcoholic two years ago, I quit and have been good since. However, I have no life anymore. I don't go out, I don't meet girls, I don't meet friends, and it's because the only time people are doing those things is when they are drinking. I also lack the confidence without it and that doesn't help.
Meeting friends thought sport activity is great or asking people around you to go try climbing/ bowling/ painting activity (can be very fun and more "crafty" than artistic), some other workshop, go to open mic, go to listen to community organized musical/ other events, go see some gallery and talk about it (bad art is still a good topic), go shop for books, go to gym or swim together, cook together... I very rarely drink and there's enough of activities what have zero to very little alcohol involved! People would love doing at least some of those things, because it is fun to try, even if it's not their gem
@@comradeweedity1648Good on you! I don't like the taste of alcohol, and in the very rare social events I go to (mostly at my work), I'm always pressured to "try" (guys, I'm in my 30s, just let me live on fruit juice and water 😅). You must be so strong to stay on your ground!
Yes, it's very hard to socialize without alcohol...
^^ relatable af
My exact problem, whenever I have entered new social groups even sports, people are like: "Let's go drinking" Fuck my life.
When dr K says “people suck” I admit I’m definitely one of those people. But that doesn’t make other people who suck also any easier to spend time with.
I've recently ended up in a lonely spot, with my wife passing away and my step-children going to live with their dad. I have been almost nothing but in my own head over the last 6 months, with very few social interactions (friends and family don't come around much) and have seen myself grow more cynical and anti-social. This video is very helpful to me. I am starting to feel like I can get back out into the world and find myself all over again.
Thank you, Dr. K, for all the time and energy you have put into this youtube channel in order to spread invaluable knowledge. You have helped me understand myself better in a lot of ways.
That sounds rough, but I'm glad you aren't giving up and feeling hopeful! I'm sure you can find yourself and your people again
Hm you may be bored more than lonely. There are many engaging things to do in the world you can experience by yourself.
I'm an asperger and actually tried doing those things. Including being a social butterfly for 2y...sincerely it only made things worst for me. IT doesnt help everyone but there are those whom could benefit from it. So give it try, one never knows truly until they do
Yeah social group settings are like drowning while everyone else is treading water easily and stare at you for not swimming correctly.
@@PinkPulpito You get it. Then comes the feelings of inadequacy and the self hatred...
Same here. The more i socialized the worst ive felt. Even if i like some people i feel invaded by the demands that come from friendships...the supermarket, church and my parents are enough interaction. I cant get people close because then they will see my autism and it never ends well
@@etcwhatever I can mask it very well but the amount of energy it consumes is unreal. To the point it makes me puke sometimes cuz of the excess of information…it is not worth it but,at the same time, I need it.
@@Gorvak i can mask but i keep burning out. Everytime its more difficult to return to stability and to feel peaceful. I dont want to mask anymore. Even if people think ive gone mad 😆. I understand your feeling some times i came home from the office and i felt like i had to throw up and go in the bath tub. I felt dirty. A few years ago i couldnt keep my lunch in. I lost weight and was getting sick. About my work, i refused to go back to the office. My job is very specific and i have a senior position so they had to suck jt up. I cant handle offices anymore.
I loved this, will I do it?
The world may never know…
Find out next time on dragon ball Z!
update?
Update?
Perfect timing, been feeling super antisocial and lonely and I'm meeting with friends in a few hours. 1 hour walk it is! Wish me luck
It’s probably late but Good luck!! To you before socializing💚
I am curious, its been 5 days and how was it?
Dit you enjoying socializing more because you weren’t on technology an hour before? 💚
@@Lazydaisy123 thanks! Not sure if the technology thing made a difference, but I did have a good time
@@Jhawk_2kI don't have any friends and been isolated for 8 inq half months I like and hate it
you literally said lonely and meeting with friendS in the same sentence
@@eskaban_edits_beats_and_more good catch! It was exactly what I meant to write!
Dr K just doesn't miss. I don't remember the last time I've watched one of these and didn't put it on my 'rewatch every now and then' playlist
I too have a similar kind of playlist!😀
Lmao I have the same playlist. With how many Dr. K / Self-help videos I have in there I really need to change the title of it.
I have same Playlist too!! 😂 seems like I put every one I watch into it
This was added on my watch later, and in my favorites
@@jbelaI added it to my sixth custom "watch later" playlist. Yes, I have subbed to 1k+ channels and yes, I'm somewhat addicted to YT but moreso an isolated depressed perfectionist with a severe case of FOMO missing out on everything all the time..
Went to my work christmas party and it felt like a nightmare. Just felt super awkward and embarrassed the whole time. I couldn't wait to get into my car and leave. At least I actually got myself to go.
Same, I didn't want to go but was proud I got myself to go anyway. I did leave earlier than most people but it was still a good memorable time. Not the best time but good enough experience than not going at all.
@@jeffreypaula2739not going and do more useful things would be better
@@144tysachiglaz7yeah just hustle and don't live, sounds great
At least you went. I didn’t go to mine
Lol, literally me... thing is they're just so over the top, bustling with people, loud music, a lot of alcohol. I don't like ANY of those things. I know Dr. K. is saying socialising is good for you, and I don't doubt that socialising can be a very rewarding and great experience, but not all social gatherings are good. Some are just downright awful.
Its ups and downs to being a loner and Loneliness is one of the downs you just have to deal with don't change because a upside is peace and people will take your peace.
That so true 🙌
I'm 24 and have only just started socializing this year. This basically sums me up but you are right, recognizing it and catching it does slowly make it easier. I can have some beers with mates now and enjoy the whole thing!
This is extremely relateable. After school I just basically worked for like 4 years before actually interacting with people my age again. It takes time to grease the wheels.
good on you man, keep it up and i hope the best for you brosky
i love hanging out with people. i usually feel not horrible when im with people. problem is, no one wants to hangout with me.
I for one actually started feeling a lot better once i got that ridiculous notion of 'having to attent social interactions regularly' out of my head. There was a point in my life where i (guess?) convinced myself that i was lonely, but that was just in my head as nothing had actually changed since i finished school looong ago. No, the hardest part for me was finding out that people in fact do suck. Up till my 20's i always thought the best of people, or tried to. Ironically, it makes you better at befriending people while also being more susceptible to bullshit, in other words naive.
I'm perfectly fine begin alone most of the time and visiting - a friend - once every blue moon. If you are not like me, and you are stuggling, my hearts out to ya (or what's left of it anyways).
i actually enjoy being anti social and lonely, just means people can't force there problems onto me or annoy me, it's the most relaxed and peaceful i've been
Good for you
Thanks, it is🙂@@IPutFishInAWashingMachine
@@Yuri_Azarov24 perhaps that will work for you but I feel you gotta not be truthful with yourself as humans are social creatures but best of luck and I hope one day you don’t have a change of heart
@@AiyukIsHim what you say is true but everyone is different, i have to choose who to let into my life carefully as there is too many fake friends and people nowadays that serve no purpose other than dragging you down with them so i learned to vibe on my own or with better people at least and thank you🫡
Yes this is a good short term solution - I know because I lived it for many years. However loneliness WILL keep coming back time and again until it becomes unbearable, and you will need to take action, eventually.
I have learned more from two videos from this channel than I did in 3 years of psychotherapy. It is quite sad, and at the same time gives hope.
Oh my god, I love, love, love that he said that people suck more nowadays. Whenever I said that, people started their old: "yeah, it was always like this, that people complained a lot about the younger generations."
To hear from a professional person this opinion is like a blessing to me. ❤❤❤
Also the starting the conversation as an introvert is key too. I remember sometimes I would ask some random question not expecting people to care, and somehow people take those questions seriously and more conversation emerges
Okay... basically I became a "social butterfly" since August to December so... 5 months now (I think I can stop now cuz I learned my lesson).
For a little context my dog (also my best friend) died on April from cancer and I never really felt lonely because of my dog, but after being depressed for almost 3 months I started to develop a NECESSITY of socializing with friends (or anyone really). And I started to send messages to ALL my friends and even people I haven't talk to in YEARS... I wasn't expecting anyone to actually respond, but surprisingly a lot of them messaged me back and agreed to make plans. So I started loosing the social anxiety I've been feeling (basically all my life) cuz the thing I feared the most (being/existing without my dog) had already happened... so I just stoped overthinking everything and every word I say and how I act, etc. And yeah I started to enjoy the social interactions even with the friends of the friends of my friends... something that I would have never even imagined at the beginning of the year. Anyways... I experienced a lot of different situations (that I would have definitely avoided before) and realized it's not that serious... nothing is as important as I thought it was.
So now that I have lost the fear of socializing and making new friends (and I don't have the necessity of talking and spending time with someone anymore) I feel like I can go back to being myself (not a social butterfly) and hangout with friends from time to time but not like EVERY weekend.
Also... for the record being social requires high maintenance... I spent a LOT of money, time, energy and effort. And I had the luxury to put my personal life on hold to put my social life as a priority, but now I have to get done everything I left on the side... 2024 will be like the complete opposite of this year so far.
I cried for ur dog
I feel for you, I lost my dog 4 weeks ago and I felt like my life had no use to it anymore.
"In my professional opinion people suck more than they used to." 🤣💜🙏
Me: What are you looking for next year?
Other person: Idk
Conversation died again
I swear I'm also always the one who needs to start conversations and the other person doesn't even try.
@@Electivedrop samee broo
Then I feel like I am way boring for them, that's why they aren't having enthusiasm in answering
@@SanataniGiga no clue but it's annoying the other side doesn't even try
@@Electivedrop yeahh mann seriously annoying!!
I am surprised, every time RUclips suggests HealthyGamer video to me and it’s just the most accurate thing I want listen about. Thank you for the video, I will try to implement at least one of the points into my social interactions, for starters
I’ve been in my school’s theater program for about 3 years now, and I think I can pinpoint the exact moment where my social behaviors started changing. I’ve become more open to talking to people, and though I’m still a little closed off, I’m not as anxious about it anymore. It still takes me a while to crack myself out of my shell in newer situations but the theater has taught me how to come out of that shell knowing the first place.
The technology part is so refreshing. Never heard of that perspective. But its so right.
Thanks for your videos.
Im not lonely because Im alone, honestly lockdown was the best year of my life, I realized I didnt miss anybody at all and was content with my self. I am lonely now because I cant achieve my goals because of my antisocial personality. Career improvement, mental improvement, life advices and all the things I need to change require social interactions and I'm just so socially inept to do that.
Edit: Mind you I've been like this since I was a kid, pre smartphone times. It's just easier to excel as a loner at school than it is in a job.
I was just wondering if you might be able to find a career that better suits your personality, and your introversion?
I feel the same way
"Be a social butterfly to meets lots of people so you can find a few people you like." (paraphrasing)
The thing about doing things you don't like to do in order to meet people, is that you meet people who like to do things you don't like to do. I took this advice for a while. I don't like parties and I went to parties to meet people and met people who want to spend all their time at parties. I don't drink and people kept insisting I come to the bar so I went to the bar and met people who like hanging out at a bar. It seems wild to suggest you do things you hate so you can meet other people who are also forcing themselves to do things they hate in order to meet people.
I think much better advice is to find things to do that you like, so you can meet other people who like things you like.
The tip "being a social buttlefly" alone raises my stress level. 😅
I started to go to the gym a few monthes ago in order to socialize (and to be healthier, and I enjoy exercizing), but couldn't manage to have one conversation (just "hi" in the changing room).
@@grenade8572 trying to socialize in the gym is dumb. 98% of the people there want to workout, they dont give a F about you. Whoever gave you that advice is also dumb
This makes no sense. When you go to a party you dont just meet people whose sole joy in life is parties. When i go party i meet alot of different people with many different interests and hobbies because imagine that there are people who like warhammer 40k and also like to go to parties. So when i go to parties i meet people who like to draw, who nerd over warhammer 40k, people who wasted their lifes on world of warcraft, people who like horses, people who like cars, people who like to smoke weed whatever. You meet lots of different people. You dont just meet people who like parties and literally nothing else. I dont know why you think it works that way but it doesnt. So imagine you can meet someone at the bar who likes shit that you like but oh god yes he also likes to go to the fucking bar.
@@MrKrustenI mean, 9 times out of 10, if you go to parties or bars, the people you meet are drinkers.. as in, it’s a big part of their life.. since I quit drinking I have 0 interest in hanging out with people who are drinking. For a non-drinker, Trying to make friends with people who drink/party is a conflict of interest
@@MrKrustenYou've missed his point but that's ok because you have a much different perspective based on your life's events. See, You so happened to meet all these different people at parties. Imagine, everyone you've met was at that place at just the right time. You didn't plan it. but it's not luck either or s it a coincidence. In the same way, there are people that would try to do what you did and get a different result even 5 times in a row and conclude that: "this just isn't for me". Some say we attract what we think and that is true to a limit but I reckon that we're all on different paths and it all comes down to who our paths collide with.
Personally, I'm well aware why I'm anti-social, but it wasn't clear until a few years ago, as someone who's very different from the average person in terms of hobbies and what I like, specially living in a community driven country, it's hard to even get people to engage in conversations with you, they judge bluntly, even stop the conversations quick to avoid talking further.
When I got to meet a group of people online who somewhat share my likes and what-not, my throat ends up hurting from chatting so much, and here's the thing, I've tried to "fit in" and ask about others likes and topics such as current events that I know are very popular around, but people tend to be less engaging with you if you're not well versed in said topic, they just kind of brush it off with a brief answer, it just seems people are actively less interested in continuing the conversation if they know you're not into it.
Sometimes however, there are people who do like to talk about their hobbies and what they're up to, but almost every time this happens is because they themselves run into the same issue I have, and to be honest those are the people I enjoy talking about things the most, even if it's not my thing, because they're happy to share and I get to share mine as well.
It's difficult but I try to keep the mindset of not ignoring a social opportunity these days, I used to but not anymore, even if the whole topic ends up feeling awkward. Being yourself in a country where people tend to be like minded so much is very difficult, most people just give in and give up what they like just to be part of something. I personally know what I like and what I don't, sadly, this is mostly the things that people around me like, but it is what it is, doesn't stop me from meeting new people even if I don't end up connecting with them I at least get slightly better at engaging with new people.
You don't have to give up what you enjoy to fit in with others, it just makes it more difficult, but every now and then you meet folks who are in the same situation and you can learn from them in the process, also, learning a new language can open a whole other level of social interactions, if you're thinking about learning a new language, do it, it is a interesting topic to talk about with others as well, trust me.
This is random lol but what exactly are your hobbies? This is purely out of curiosity, Im just wondering what type of hobbies could be considered out of the norm in another country
@@Whenwintersleeps Not random at all but thanks for asking lol, to be honest they're not so much "out of the norm" by internet standars but more like what people consider taboo in my country.
I'm Hispanic so there's a lot of taboo around here, I remember vividly when I was growing up, had some of my mother's friends came by with their kids and they were upset and made a bit of a fuzz about the video game I was playing calling it "Satanic" for one, and I was just playing Super Mario Bros 3 lol
Even today people my age tend to frown upon the fact I tell them I enjoy games a lot, and gets worse when I mention I enjoy Metal, Rock and Punk and such.
People here just tend to assume everyone else enjoys the same things because almost everyone grows up with it, soccer, regueton music, strong religious ideas and anime, none of which I'm interested in to be honest. And even if you try to keep a conversation going most cut the conversations short because of it.
Not everyone's like this however I've met a few people who endure the same problem and they're a delight to share and talk to, funny thing is that almost all of them go through the same problem of isolation and sort of anti social behavior, thankfully newer generations have broken the mold and I see more variety in hobbies and what people like, so thing are changing.
Man, I have the similiar issue as well...this is quite random too but I need to express how I feel
Throughout my 2 years of high school after the quarantine ended... I've become more lonely... Due to the fact that people around me tend to judge me for being who I am... You see... I love video games a lot.. Ever since I was a kid.. There's other niche stuff that I like too... But most people just shrug it off and not interested when I talk about my stuff...They expect me to talk about what most people do... Like sports.. For example... So I ended up spending my 2 years of high school just being an outsider for the most part... They always invite me to do stuff together but I always decline.. Mostly because the stuff that they invite me doesn't interest me.. I did joined one... But it was too exhausting and I didn't even really enjoy on what they're doing....Plus,I always do my own things after school..I didn't find a single person that's worth for me to be fully connect with in school.. I also always skip school events (like sports day or smth like that) cause it feels really retiring.. Even graduation day feels. Like a burden ... It's because I feel that I don't truly belong there... All those people in school... Now that school has ended... I can only truly rely on myself and my family... I have online friends too.. But those friends I feel like really really weird to talk to..and also to meet up with.. They are those neckbeard,perverts and weebs that I feel like will destroy my life if I get any closer to them...And also I only play games with them and join vc whenever I like to.. I still don't feel like I belong with them when I talk to them...
Speaking of which.. I made my school and online persona to try to fit with them... But it ended up making me feel more lonely than I was before.. Especially online persona.. I didn't know how perverted, unhinged and cringy they are with stuff sometimes.. Sheesh....
I'm 18 now.. And I have ended my school life just a few months ago...Throughout my life, I always do my own things and haven't really enjoy going out with people, or even hanging out with them.. And I just realised how important social life is after school has ended.. I really didn't pay attention to social life ever in my entire life.. I used to treat school as a place for learning.. Not to socialize.. So I always skip school events.. Now I just realised how important it was...
So what can I really say is... Not in my life that I go to meet, hangout and have fun with others except while gaming.. Even so..I still prefer singleplayer games...
I remembered crying just from watching a show about friends hanging out together and at the end of the show... They were saying each other goodbyes and parted their ways after being together.. It sounds silly but I cried from that..Due to the fact that I haven't experienced any of those in my life
@@smashdatnailwtf bro you are so relatable. im 19 now and i still dont get it
This is blowing my mind.. Thank you.
The past month or so I’ve been totally absorbed by RUclips. I know I need to step away from the device but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. A lot of what you’re saying speaks to the part of me that wants to get away from the overstimulation that is this platform. Ironic. Thanks again.
Acting classes! They helped me so much being comfortable in front of strangers by ridding the fear of judgement. Perfect setting to expose yourself to uncomfortable interactions, and a great way to meet new people there for the same reasons. I have a guy in my class that owns his own successful construction company, and is only there to get better at public speaking.
At first I was gonna say my new years resolution is to make a new friend, but I like this whole socialize for 6 months thing. Play the friend field and see what grows. I hate having two friends who are always busy.
"People are getting worse." THANK YOU! ❤️
Thank you for confirming that the move is to make sustained repeated efforts on meeting a bunch of new people until finding the cool ones. That's what I thought, but I tend not to trust that my own ideas are good until confirmed by a pro/cool-person ^__^
This is my whole problem! I’ve never been able to articulate it more than “I’m antisocial AND lonely and it’s awful” but it makes sense! Thank you so much!!
Once I notice comparison, it does not stop it. The effort of pushing those feelings down causes shame.
I feel you. The smae thing happens to me. But here's the mistake, you don't have to push those feelings down. Noticing them, simply means that, noticing them. Don't engage with them, just notice they are there. Both dwelling on an emotion and trying to push it away is engaging with it.
@@dutoXXXyes this works for me I've been trying this the past few times where I am feeling an emotion or anxious though that can cause me to spiral into shame and anxiety I just sit with it and "look" at it and it loses its power over me. This works though because I am medicated for anxiety so if anyone personally suffers from going 0 to 100 instantly then meds will help you be able to develop skills.
I think what people need to realize that It's good to be alone. You 100% rather to be alone than being with wrong people. It goes both ways. People don't want to waste time with you and you don't want to waste time with them. Most important thing in life that you need to find out is your niche while you're alone. What can you do as an individual to make someone's life better. Then people will automatically come to you. If you can't find your niche then you're going to be alone until you find it.
Thank you for making this video I've been taking a few notes
Share plss
I’m an introvert and selective about my friends, but I learned to schmooz at parties as a child. I learned that all people are interesting if you ask the right questions. Most people enjoy talking about themselves so you can’t lose. You can also learn to steer the conversation in a positive direction. Don’t worry if at first you get a grumpy response, but if they don’t snap out of it move on.
As an 17-year old Male Autism, All these steps are basically pointless, I don't know if there are ANY women AND men (UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING THEY CAN EXPLOIT FROM YOU) Who are even REMOTELY interested in just being friends, nevermind being in a relationship with me, since people just reject us immediately and labels us as wierdos, loners, and creeps, when in reality, its just that we are more naturally Socially Awkward and Shy. On top of that, we always get rejected, dismissed, abandoned, alienated, back-stabbed, and verbally/physically bullied for being our true Authentic and Autistic selves and expressing our true feelings, especially when we were younger.
Well, he's talking to neurotypicals.
I was never diagnosed with anything but l absolutely feel you, this was pretty much how l was treated for the majority of my life. Bur the meassage still holds true, most people suck and in the end it all comes down to you having to find your tribe.
Also you're still relatively young, the teen age was my worst time as well but it gets much better once you become older and surround yourself with more experienced, mature and eventually likeminded people.
We all have to go through our personal hell at one point, see it as a challenge to master and grow stronger from because once you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
You sound a bit paranoid or perhaps you're making excuses for yourself to avoid having to do anything about your situation.
First of all, the easiest thing when you 're neurodivergent is to befriend other neurodivergent people. Pretty much all my friends are diagnosed with either autism or adhd or score really high on online autism tests.
Thus, the advice in this video is still solid (if perhaps a bit hard to implement imo). "Just" go out and meet lots of people and hang on to the few that you vibe with (which is most likely going to be neurodivergent people). This is of course infinitely easier if given a convenient social context such as school, so make good use of it while you can.
While this is somewhat true based on statistics (the rejection and alienation), it's also been studied that once you disclose your diagnosis, knowing a reason for behaviours calms people down and makes them see you in a more positive light again. Ofc, I do not always want to bring autism up, if I'm not hanging out with an autistic person or someone I'm close with, but being more open and sharing a bit of vulnerabilities can make a connection easier. Simple "I'm nervous right now" can do wonders, even for people who do professional speeches and are expected to act "correctly". Some people do such and aren't empathetic or don't want to accommodate different communication styles, but there ARE people who are all of that. I'm very slow at befriending people and usually keep people far away (not purposefully, I just can't message people I don't know easily or share facts about myself), but there are few people who have stayed with me and became friends with me, even if it took longer time than usual. There also were teachers and bosses that showed me empathy while I was feeling very vulnerable about opening up. Being social has risks of rejection, but without it there's just loneliness
My son has autism and struggled with the same things as you. He discovered that if he met people who have mutual interests like music, instruments or animals that they can form a common bond. Now he is friends with people who have similar interests and he’s much happier.
Keep in mind that maintaining friendships can be awfully hard for everyone at times. As always, do the things that make you happy in this life! Have a great day!
The thing is, comparing ourselves to others and having inferiority complexes are mostly involuntary. You can't really decide to stop; it has to happen organically and indirectly.
I would argue that the first step to allowing the organic change to happen is to be aware of the issue and decide to stop
@@lucasgill7819 I don't know how you "decide" to stop though. That's like telling someone to decide to stop being sad when someone dies, or stop being happy when something good happens.
@@schw0373 when I say " decide to stop" it's you thinking "I need to stop it", nothing more, nothing less. It's not about the act of stopping it, it's about the acknowledgment that you need to stop. When you start to acknowledge it, you start to seek solutions. I hope I'm being clear. It' s difficult to explain, but it' s one of those things that becomes cristal clear when you feel it
@@lucasgill7819 As someone who has struggled with social comparisons, I've acknowledged years ago that it needs to stop. But it hasn't succeeded, and that's because I don't see any "direct" or obvious solutions.
@@schw0373 maybe because there is no direct solutions, it's more like a path you have to walk. I've been there too (sometimes still am), so I can tell you that it' s not easy or obviuos.
Something that helped me a lot is to make a habit of really focus in the other person when I'm talking to someone. That way I'm less in my own head (wich is the place from all my anxieties come) and more in the moment.
There are many practical "tricks" to accomplish it, but it's more like exercising a muscle: you have to do it over a period of time until your emotional muscles get accustomed and you start doing it naturally.
But yeah, there is no magical solution, it's all work, and you have to find a way that suits your particular personality
Dr. K, I cannot express enough gratitude for this video. It feels like you uploaded it perfectly as I'm about to start a new professional opportunity where I'll certainly have to socialize! I wrote down some of your tips in a google document and feel much more at ease with why I should go about this process! Thanks so much!
i am 29 and at the point of giving up on having a life and career. i got a degree that i cant really use, and i cant fathom the idea of starting from scratch with a 3-5 year long new one, especially because i cannot pick and limit myself to one specialized route, and it seems that is the only way to be interlectually succesful in this western world. i have been depressed and out of work for the most of the last 3.5 years while moved back with my mom after covid, breakup, depression, loss of school, loss of hope in getting a job and succes with my interest. i studied a bachelor in history, but here in denmark its needed to ahve masters and even then the prospects seems sheit. most of all it generally seems like a lot of jobs and careers are based on bs and networking and i am an intp/entp and hate networking and even if i did i feel its dirty and not a worthy way to get jobs, and if that truly is what society thinks is the moral way to ge ta job but being very hypersocial, i cant really see anywhere for me to fit in that system.
I struggle like this as well, almost exactly like you describe. Feeling lost and useless. My mother and grandmother are the reason I haven't ended it all yet.
Hey, I'm Belgian and have a master in french litrerature. My gial was being a teacher... and I became one. but after a few monthes in the professional world, I realized how a mistake this goal was. It's not easy to find a job with such a diplom, but I finally managed to work in the public services (it took me almost 2 years of try and retry befote being accepted), in a job that's absolutely not related to my studies (the requirement was only having at a least a bachelor, no matter the field). I was almost 30 back then, and it's been 3 years. So don't be desesperate, you can find good opportunities without having to study all over again.😊
thanks for sharing. appreaciate. are you happy wiht your work now, at least to an acceptable level?@@grenade8572
we win each day my friend. and those two are good reasons to live. its just hard to live in the zoo we call society. just try to realise that the natural world is more real and we should at least try to immitate that, even if its just a national park, still beats a zoo.@@enrikoheringh5520
I was expecting advice for antisocial personality disorder but this is a good video.
Yeah, very misleading title.
yup, pretty sure this is describing asocial instead of antisocial
Dr. K himself distinguished between asocial and antisocial in the past, so I'm surprised he conflated the two in this video.
Burnout->lack of empathy2:24
ego and comparison3:32
indian aunts impression12:51 13:07
The internet has made people so much worse
I actually like people, I just lose energy being around them. I always start off well (talking) but then I start to retreat mentally and my anxiety shoots up. I also withdraw from people that care about me and avoid hanging out with people. The result is that I had no friends in high school and college and was extremely sad/feeling like a loser. I’m going to law school soon and I don’t want to repeat my experience of feeling like a loser and having no friends for a third time.
you get it wrong, i hate socializing if i don't plan for this at least two days in advance.
it's a massive time sink that holds you back from doing stuff and keeps your work late
I do not experience loneliness or boredom.
I see this as an incredible advantage!
Me trying to start a conversation in a room full of strangers who have their own groups from the beginning: 🗿
Duuude I can't believe how much on time you are.
My Dad helped me to find a new apartment today, which means I'll move into the city, which means I'm gonna have a job and find new people and I literally thought about how I've grown over the past couple years of depression and that I finally believe that opening up and doing courageous things will bear fruits (I live in a small town, most of my friends moved away after graduating and the ones left are mainly interested in booze, weed and gossip). I literally thought about this a couple minutes ago and here's a video about exactly what I'm going through, kinda.
ANTI-social refers to harmful actions aimed at others
A-social refers to disliking and/or evading social interaction
Thank you! I hoped someone else had said it.
Uh, check literally any dictionary. Antisocial does not just mean antisocial personality disorder
dictionaries grow by the habitual language use of the unwashed masses, antisocial and asocial are noted as synonyms because most people don't care about accurate or nuanced vocabulary. In psychology and psychiatry, there's a clear distinction.
@@backseatslidepuzzle indeed, and this youtuber, claiming to even treat people (& a therapist?) is adding to this confusion!
@@PhoenixtheII because it just doesnt really matter
1. Confidence. Do whatever it takes to force yourself into more situations that involves you engaging with the public for example...
2. Fear is a good thing. It's good to get nervous etc. that's how we learn and adapt as people in a good way. You can't progress if you don't accept we will make mistakes and make bad decisions lol. Doesn't mean the World will stop. We have to keep moving forward.
3. Self improvement. Only we can REALLY change ourselves. From negative thinking to keeping more physically fit and changing how/what we eat or drink etc...Get out comfort zones and get familiar with uncomfortable situations lol. Sounds weird but it will build your character so much. Reap the rewards of hard work.
4. You're not alone. Plenty of people all over the World are feeling very similar to yourselves otherwise you wouldn't be watching this video....Ask if you need help. Really is that simple!
5. Mindset is King/Queen. Change the way you think or act. Our brains and bodies will gradually adapt to it's best possible potential depending on ourselves and disabilities/impairments etc.. Also don't be afraid to fail sometimes... that's how we Grow.
Dr. K: “You’re at a party feeling anxious so what do you do?”
Me: “leave”
Dr. K: “you pull out your phone”
Me: “see, you used a half measure when you should’ve used a full measure”
It is scary how well you are describing certain situations i have been in and the emotions i have felt in those moments. Then again i am happy you are here tp help me grow from them now. Thank you
00:00 Why social interactions are painful
- People are getting worse due to technology, emotional dysregulation, and radicalization
- People make comparisons that damage their self-esteem and engagement
- People experience negative emotional rebound after using technology
11:11 How to improve one’s enjoyment of socializing
- Avoid technology for an hour before socializing
- Ask open-ended and positive questions that show interest
- Share one’s own perspective and empathize with others
- Steer the conversation in ways that one feels comfortable
- Talk about hot button issues that engage people
18:01 How to be a social butterfly for six months
- Meet as many people as possible to find the most tolerable and enjoyable ones
- Ask one’s core group of friends to invite more people
- Start the conversation and then be quiet and listen
- Break the cycle of loneliness and socialization
Source: Bing AI
Brought to you by adhd gang
good use of ai nice 👍
@BangerContent and that's why you're in the comment section trying to steal viewers, embarrassing
I hope we can all get through this phase quickly. The future could be amazing.
When Dr K said people Suck, I immediately could Identify. With my experiece people do suck, interms they don't bother to put any effort to communicate , you always have to be first one to reach out.
Hearing him literally say that people suck just makes so much sense to me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but It is true, in my experience.
People didn't always suck, though. At least most didn't. It's just that generally people are getting worse and worse with each passing year, and for a lot of different reasons. Social media being just one of them.
My problem is that I have severe social anxiety, and have no idea how to talk to other people. I have no idea what to say, so i just say nothing at all.
You probably have an idea, but haven't put it to practice or had limited results with certain groups.
What he says does work, even if a long process. I'd make sure to make eye contact and smile a little at strangers, get familiar with the area before talking. The questions aspect mentioned does work, or jumping into someone's comment on a recent matter (that line could be quicker, that person could've dropped off over there, etc) Reflect and summarize on any new experience you had for conversation fodder (me visiting new theme parks for comparison talk)
Overall, do expect a high failure rate as making friends from nothing is naturally hard. Others have family or small friend groups to cling to so they seem socially functional...until they venture on their own. Also harder as adults when we're all busy, and clubs and classes can be attended without socializing or making new friends. I take it in stride to practice being familiar at all, don't expect finding best friends for a long time.
Ego and Comparison!!! You nailed it. Thank you!!!!
8:00
I'd disagree with that one comment.
Gaming is the only thing holding me together emotional these days.
I've noticed the best way to start the day is accomplishing one thing in a game before I leave the house.
It's effective because I'm starting my day with some actual purpose and enjoyment.
I feel that.
Only it isn't actual purpose is it - it's virtual
This explains the escapism of gaming so well! Gaming has kept me sane. I do own a treadmill. There is hope.
I just need money and im fine being alone, but i don't have money and im forced to socialize in order to get a job to earn money...
A real freaking nightmare...
Honestly, even as someone who sucks ass at social situations, I gotta admit it's kinda funny to think that we're being taught basic social skills for the current day but it has been very insightful and helped me reflect on some things I do in a new light. These videos tend to do that for me and I love it. Thank Dr K!
Thank you for suggestions on what questions to ask. It gives at least a direction if not more. I've looked a lot at conversations starters when loneliness got bad enough, but it all showed the same stuff, mainly small talk. You make it sound that these open ended questions can turn out into an interesting conversation. I'm definitely going to give it a try!
On behalf of the introverts and loners,
myself included,
We like to thank you so much for educating us on this subject.
More people should know about this and to help reduce the sourness towards people's attitudes.
100% the social score keeping for those interview questions! I once visited my sister and we were at a diner and talking with the owner who happened to also be pinoy.. She asked us both what we did for work and I said I teach music, my sister said she's a speech pathologist and man the body language was deafening! Did not ask me a single question more nor acknowledge anything more I said
- Try to meet as many people as possible, in order to find around 5 friends in 6 Months
- Start the conversation
- Try to stay away from technology for at least 1 hour, is better to have a walk or stay with yourself
- Don't make comparison, try to be aware when you are comparing yourself to others, in this way your mind will compare less
What about the situations in which person has avoidant personality disorder.
I’ve got social anxiety. I had it since I was really young. Yeah most people suck but I don’t hate them. And the people I do like, I don’t like because I don’t like who I am when I’m around them.
Doesn’t antisocial refer to traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder? Which is way different from just not liking to socialize. And asocial is for people who just don’t care for social interaction?
Right.. as a healthcare professional I hoped he would have clarified this. To be fair, antisocial could also mean that someone is not social. The problem is that people mislabel themselves as having Antisocial PD without knowing it describes those who have sociopathic behaviors.
The video title doesn't say disorder and he doesn't mention the disorder in the video itself, it should be safe to assume that he's not referring to it.
Hm he does mention losing empathy as a result of burnout and being radicalized in internet echo chambers ... so he actually might be refering to antisocial and not just asocial tendencies
He is often bad at understanding some concepts. He lacks a lot of philosophical knowledge, not just the understanding of general psychological ideas. Not saying he is a bad therapist or anything like that though
I've always seen it that the word Antisocial has two meanings. 1. to not enjoy or feel happy in the company of others/to be somewhat misanthropic but with normal to high empathy. This can be a temporary, long-term or permanent state often caused by depression or general life problems. 2. To be sociopathic with little to no empathy, as in Antisocial Personality Disorder.
The term 'asocial' was never used when I was growing up, it seems to be a newer term for the first meaning, probably because the words psychopath and sociopath have been replaced with the term ASPD.
I've been watching your videos for like 2 weeks now (like 4-5 video per day) and in most case you perfectly nail how I feel but not the reason of why it's happening (for me at least). Exemple for this one would be : Yes I am anti social and feel lonely but I do not compare myself to other and I dont use "tech" before meeting pepole IRL (I have a old nokia phone so just sms/calls), in my case i'd say I dont like social interaction because most one i've had in my life felt like a waste of time, either not intresting or strait up bad. Honestly scares me a bit since I've been going to terrapy for 8 years and you're the one that get the closest to how I feel things. Sorry if it's a bit negative, I enjoy your work anyway it help thinking about what I should change (or at least try to)
I want to ask how come most youtubers don't get dark circles? This was a really great content you covered. I hate being with group or at a family event. It is too damn draining but I also feel like I'm lonely and also losing brain cells. I am also quite lazy and socializing requires being provactive and also you are showing your vulnerable side. Like when I am interacting with my relatives all the question being what are you doing now? Oh you are preparing for competitive exam? but isn't it tough? No way you are gonna clear it. Find some job!" Like that.
People would just hurt me, im not really taking the risks. Huge turn off trying to engage with other people with interests like mine or similar. My brain just tells me to be alone and so i can be best protected from people who have a chance to hurt or ruin my life
I have overcome the "gets so lonely you have to force yourself to socialize". It is a lot more resource-efficient than forcing yourself to fit into a mold you're not made for.
If you're always the one who has to make an effort to experience socialization positively, it's because you don't belong to this world. The other people are always making gladly making the effort, reaching out, leading conversations and listening each other, except to you. Why? Get the hint. You're not one of them, and you don't have even the potential to become one of them in a way that it won't stop being a struggle eventually. You belong to a better place, with better people.
Hahaha literally me
In a bit of a dark place ATM and I interpreted that wrong at first. Intrusive thoughts. Thought you were talkin about the good people who have left us and joining them.
You would belong to this world regardless of how well you fit in. I can prove it too, unless you have an alien space ship or something else really cool and otherworldly
I am alone, spend most of my days going to medical appointments and am a full time permanent patient and I am oddly happy, I have everything I need and want nothing material beyond the basics and I spend my days learning or consuming educational content on any topic. Growing up I was much the same and in my 20s I pretended to care about the physical world or day to day endeavors mostly because of a hormonal drive to find women that happily faded long ago. I was very sore at this time and I knew my body was a ticking time bomb so I drove it hard as I could hoping to become so strong I would last forever and ate like I would live to 200, but the pain of whatever the fuck is going on with me grew and doctors told me to be more active with supreme levels of gas lighting. Now I struggle to walk and have 6 or more hours of migraines a day but life is good. I had my fun and have the memories to prove it... I also have the memories of my decline both emotionally and physically until I threw my hands in the air and focussed on my health. Since then my smile is real and at least I am honest about my pain now.
i live a life of complete solitude
Same... Wanna be friends?
Friends in solitude?
10 minutes in and everything makes sense but all I can think about is how I see a bunch of people with their friends and technology is involved but they’re still having fun. Doing snapchat things and filming funny stuff or whatever. As someone who has no friend outside of certain locations like school or work, I still have no answer for myself.
Even at work I’ll sit by a group of 3-4 people who I have had good conversations with all but they will all be on their phones texting their friends and I have nobody to text. Then if I try to spark conversation it usually won’t last. Or a lot of times people are already talking about other people that they know so there’s no room for me to butt in because I have no affiliation to the conversation.
Well if I'm being honest, those series of questions, where are you from, where did you study? What’s your job etc are the reasons I stopped socializing. Feels more like a job interview
I've made quite some strides through these methods already. And I appreciate those neat conversation starters. All the best Doctor.
I have a job that I need to interact constantly with people during 7/8h (patients and collegues) a day. So when I have a pause like for lunch or when Im done with working I cannot (literally) being around people because I fell drained to the bone
So....anytime someone I work with asks me what I "like to do for fun" I sort of freeze up and just can't tell them without being very tense and awkward about it. As Dr. K pointed out, anytime I get asked this it feels like I'm being interviewed, and at times it even feels like I'm being grilled. What can I do about this?
Maybe practice a few responses to have ready for this question. Ie "Oh I love hiking, I'm hoping to walk such and such trail this weekend" or "I'm into jazz so I try to go to jazz nights as often as I can" or "I'm more of a homebody, I love watching old films and baking different types of cakes." Adapt to whatever your hobbies are. It can help you feel less on the spot to have a relaxed, fun response at the ready. I started doing this after a colleague kept putting me on the spot asking what I was doing after work that day (she wasn't inviting me to socialise as she was going out with her partner, I think she was just curious about my life and wondered if I also had a partner). It made me feel a bit uncomfortable so I practiced a few phrases which reduced my worry if she asked again.
What do you like to do for fun? It helps if you actually have an answer you want to talk about, if you just spend all day in bed it's annoying when people ask