I'm sorry but even though it's true it still contributes to an array of mental illnesses. Especially when you've been treated so poorly that you start to believe what they think about yourself (and actually change for the worse). There is a way to make them understand, fucking say something.
Pretty shit takeaway imo since so much of who you 'get to be' is heavily determined by whatever fuckups your parents and family did to you and those problems only get worse as you become more insecure and dependent on validation since you never got any from the people that 'formed' you.
Because of how women are treated in the world, I always make it a point to compliment their personality. I feel like they don't get it enough. Exact opposite for dudes, I tell them how good they look all the time. Because they DEFINITELY don't get it enough
Yes. I also think of it as, women are already desired enough and they know it, they want to feel needed (for reasons other than sex). Men already know they are needed in society, they want to feel desired too.
Can we talk about the female loneliness where you are not considered attractive so people only like you for the things you do for them? In order to feel loved you have to become the caregiver for everyone and everyone just views you as a caregiver robot and not a human. You're somehow responsible for everyones problems but you deal with yours completely alone. Even when you ask for help, people look at you puzzled as if its out of your place to even think you deserve help. I cant stand when i hear people say "women dont know loneliness". Lol people dont even view me as a human most of the time. Im literally a just robot thats expected to do all the work and never speak
This. Especially if you are from a low income family with no education and you are seen as the parent of the family. You look around and get to see what you don't have and that is really sad to me.
I try to explain to people, “Guys like the idea of me. But they don’t actually like me.” And it doesn’t hold up with people. So I feel more isolated. I’m to the point like yeah love exist, but not for me. I rather be alone blissfully loving myself than morph to a hollow gf.
Well you should never be around someone that influences you into being like them. I don't know what that means, but just imagine if someone your age is talking to you, and you randomly imagine being happy and doing things around them. That's sometimes what I feel like.
@connergalles7106 No. I work at a stadium, and I take care of my hygiene and dress presentable. Narturely, people gravitate to me. These are the people I'm surrounded by condition. So when I'm asked out multiple times by different people, it comes to question why I say "no thank you." Guys, see, I'm unattendable. The chase is more intriguing for them. But I was just there for my paycheck.
@@vanessamayorga7780 Well from my experience I go to see Nature and lots of different places usually. Sometimes there will be a girl I talk to because there is something that you would like, like their dog or a bird or something cool. Sometimes they stare at me if they are my age and it makes me Nervous... I actually don't work yet because of my Dad and wanting me to get jobs at certain places. I know working in a Stadium is definitely a little overwhelming for certain people, but I don't know if you have anywhere to vent that anxiety (that's a rude thing to say, maybe just someone to always give you reassurance.)
I'm an ugly woman. I had an ok looking face until a drunk man attacked me and broke my nose so bad that my face is permanently disfigured. Men treat me like dirt just for daring to exist in their presence. It's such a depressing existence but it's interesting to know that the grass isn't much greener on the other side
Average looking man here. I feel sorry for your situation,definetly feel bad and I wish you luck. Im 19 and never had a girlfriend,a have no friends and only faced rejection my whole life and thats fine. You might think that its better over here when no one wants you until you have to change everything about youself but the reality is disappointing. Loneliness is heavy regardless of gender or age,but at least you filter people who only wanted to be with your for your body/face instead of wanting you for who you are as a person. Better be alone than having bad company 👍 keep your head up
It genuinely sucks being an attractive woman who is interested in nerdy/male dominated hobbies. A few years back I was incredibly lonely and had no friends at all. So, I'd go to meetups involving things I liked like anime, video games and motorcycles and stuff. The moment I'd set foot in one of these spaces I'd get swarmed by guys being extra friendly to me. At first I just thought they were being extra welcoming to the shy new girl, but one by one they would start making moves on me. When I couldn't reciprocate they'd drop me like I was absolutely nothing. The only people who would bother with me were people who thought they could get sex out of me. A lot of my friends from back in those days were people I dated or had sex with. I learned that the only way I can get people to like me was through my body. That's an incredibly disempowering and damaging mental process to develop when you already have really terrible self worth issues. Your body becomes a tool for satisfying others, not even really your own.
It really sucks that guys get like that, because it really diminishes our community as a whole. Conversations become far more interesting when genuine female perspective is involved, and I've learned a lot about things I've missed in shows/games because I've just not been in tune with them. I once told my wife that one of the greatest parts of being married is the ability to talk to women. For various reasons I can come off as creepy, but the ring seems to make women generally more at ease with me and we can interact as regular humans. I also feel more at ease, like I don't often think "I hope she doesn't think I'm making moves at her, I'm legitimately just talking to pass the time." With that though, I'm slowly learning how rough it is to be a woman in these spaces. Like sometimes it comes off as legitimately terrifying.
100% when I was in a community for gaming, all the guys would basically take turns crushing on the other girls and when we rejected it (albeit nicely) we were immediately ignored and thrown away and they would just jump to the next available girl. It's so dehumanizing, and now I've formed a community of women (and like 2 genuine guys lol) because we just can't trust most men to not make things weird. It's so frustrating.
@Shazy Shaze. This is so deep and I'm sorry you have to go through such. I can relate with this when it comes to making genuine male friends, just when I think we're on the same page as friends, guys will confess how they truly feel about me, and it has always been sexual interests from the get go, sticking around thinking I'll eventually be on the same page with them. Really gave up on male friends
As a guy myself, It's always off-putting to me when I see guys do that. I always give it a wide berth and go somewhere else. I guess one advantage I have is that when I want to be left alone, it's any easy thing to accomplish. Never been harassed in my life.
Yeah that is a very unlucky situation. But unless those guys made it clear that they only wanted sex, I don't think they should be blamed either (like you didn't which is nice). To me it just sounds like the perfect situation for tons of guys to immediately develop crushes on you which they really can't help. An attractive woman enters a community dominated by men who are most likely even lonelier than the average guy. They were probably drawn to you for many reasons including sexual but also because they might not have many female friends. It just isn't surprising to me that they'd develop feelings towards you especially since you're attractive and were nice towards them. Ofc them "dropping you" isn't a nice thing to do but I also understand that IF the guys had feelings from the get-go. If they approached you wanting to possibly date you, you turning them down would be like any other one of their crushes turning them down. In my experience most people don't like hanging out with the people who've turned them down, especially if they feel like their feelings wouldn't immediately go away after the rejection. It really is a tough situation for everyone
I feel like a lot of guys degrade women who have tons of sex but simultaneously think that women should be happy/grateful to receive tons of sexual attention from men. For women who don’t have sex like myself, male attention does nothing for me most of the time because its usually sexual or shallow. The odds they actually care about me as a person or want a real serious relationship is slim
@@giorgospapoulidis8134I understand your perspective but I think we have conflicting views on what constitutes personal value. I do not believe attracting sexual attention from others adds value to myself. It is, again, very superficial, and has nothing to do with me as a person, just the other person’s sexual desires at the moment. It doesn’t add value in the dating sphere if you are looking for long-term commitment as many people can pretend to be seriously interested for weeks and months just because they think it will lead to sexual access, not because they care about you as an individual. I am not denying that it is a beneficial thing to be physically attractive for both men and women, just offering up a different point of view on how this may contribute to female loneliness as well.
@jane Eyre I can just imagine how awful it would be to invest lots of time and energy building a relationship and in the end see that your partner was only interested in the sex related interaction. But I think there are still some men who are interested in the same type of personal attention and relationship you want, even though it's getting harder and harder.
@@palpitations00 i wrote a whole essay, and just deleted it cause chat doesnt usually end well. I would suggest you go see some kevin samuels, as he often describes what i would like you to understand, regarding womens expectations from men. Generalizing and in my words, men and women look for different things in each other. Your value as a person is different from your value as a woman. The opposite gender is who decides for the value of the other gender. Thus, men decide for your value as a woman. You cant go around expecting men to want to have a deeper connection with you, just because of your personal value. Its your value as a woman that will attract them. Its your responsibility to make want to stay for your personality. Shooting for a man that looks for personality from the beginning, and not in a later stage, is extremely rare, when paired with other requirements like him not being unsocial, him being tall etc. People who go well in life, wont usually settle for someone who doesnt have value according to their gender. They are at an all you can eat buffet. Choices: 1. Try to find a man who is what you want, by getting in many relationships but be prepaired to be heartbroken (not suggested) 2. Do nothing because the chances are against you, and give it up to luck to find someone. This requires being ready to be alone for the rest of your life. I am onto that route and i dont mind that, since i can be happy either way. To give my self as an example, i dont want sex until marriage. I see that as what women like you would want. I care about personality traits more than looks and sex. But why am i like that? Short, low self esteem, socially awkward in certain aspects, hair loss since i turned 18. Just to name a few. I have such issues that would make you go "...nah". Its not that i dont know that i have value as a person/man in other aspects. Its just that i know that i dont have some superficial things that women are attracted to, which do exist, even though certain movements would like you to believe otherwise. You will have to make up for shortcomings, with something else. For example, you can be the type of woman who makes the first move. This way, you multiply your chances of success, because you might have been option 3 or 4 for him, but you are the most available one. But in the end, you can always find yourself heart broken. Accept it, or otherwise you will have to live in fear for ever. I am not saying you should lower your standards, i am saying that you cant expect others to meet your high standards, since 8b people, might not be enough for that. Is it sad that something this obvious is considered high standard? Yes, i believe so. But the matter of the fact is that it is rare. So please dont attack "men", since real masculinity has nothing to do with that. Attack the society we have created and live in. Sorry that i ended up writting an essay anyway, but i think this one is more easily understandable, and you can take the hint, if you read it with good intention. I would like not to respond in any further replies. See this comment as a youtube video, that i just try to give you a piece of my mind.
@@isaacsousa9713 I think there are too, I have a few male friends who aren’t like this. I don’t mean to generalize every single guy on the planet, but I agree dating is a lot harder now with ‘hookup culture’ being so prevalent
Honestly heartbreaking how both men and women want a meaningful and honest relationship but we just cannot find eachother in this mess of a world. Social anxiety and lack of interaction make things even harder
Yes because girls/women go for the top 10% of men who also are very attractive, however those men dont need all the girls so the girls become resentful and hate all men
@bramsteenhoek2674 sure, but if people share their idiotic and destructive ideas online and kids start to adopt that as their own then u get the world we live in today and that was only made possible with the internet. Otherwise it would've been happening 50 years earlier or so
not only this, but there are MANY women who are not considered "attractive" who are lonely, have social issues, trouble making or keeping friends, trouble finding love etc. women are as varied and multi-faceted as men, and to think of women as just "attractive" or to think that things are easy for them is to think of women in a very 2 dimensional way-- to think of only the woman you imagine, instead of the billions of varied women who exist-- varied in looks, personality, etc.
I honestly feel like this has parallels with being "gifted." You're expected to have such an easier time in various ways, and when you struggle you are often made to wonder alone what's wrong with you. Whether mentally or physically "gifted," this can cause incredible loneliness and anxiety. Of course nothing is ever a perfect one-to-one, but the struggles feel somewhat analogous and makes me feel more empathetic about it as well.
The more you deviate from average the more alone you will be. It is worse when you are older as people are less inclined to be exploring who they are and trying new things and meeting new people. Humans get very set in their ways at a young age. If you are a deep thinker you will have a lonely life . At least that is what I think.
autism is very overlooked as a root cause of loneliness in women. I have it and we not only struggle to attract healthy romantic relationships but friendships are really tough too.
Tell me about it. I'm on the spectrum and I feel like I'm too mentally broken to BE in a relationship. Like, what woman in the world wants to date a guy who's on the spectrum of Autism. Answer feels like no one
@@IaconDawnshire They exist, don't give up. My boyfriend is autistic (to be fair, I'm also autistic and enby). But I know two other happy hetero couples where the guys are autistic and the girls are not. One of the girls has ADHD and one is neurotypical. One of the couples just got engaged. All of us have been together with our significant other for at least 2 years. Even if not every girl is into you, you don't need to be in a relationship with every girl :)
Hey mostly its because your surroundings doesnt allow you to grow, so you just need to grow in silence and shift you a place in the world where you will be appreciated enough! Good luck and happy life bro!!@@emiliap8790
"i'm one accident away from having no value" You just hit objectification of woman on the head with a rubber mallet, and my heart is crushed. Love is not love if it's only for the use of decorating yourself with someone else's beauty.
Everythings an accident away of being unloved. We cant do anything but objectify things, what we need to find is someone who objectify us in the way we want them to
@@Meowmeowimthebiggestcat do me a favour and don't ever tell me to do you any favours. Furthermore, if you use feminine shaming tactics instead of having an actual argument, don't bother replying.
I know a woman who was pretty and felt this way. She was constantly sexually harassed and was often scared for her safety. She gained weight as a defense mechanism and now she feels invisible because people look over her constantly. It feels like women can't win.
@@dificulttocure you are invalidating my comment. not a good look my guy. also, I dont think it was something she actually chose. coping with trauma can be a b*tch
@@CloudslnMyCoffee I'm sure that being pretty comes with its own set of challenges, just as being the kid of rich parents does. But someone complaining because they're pretty is just as ludicrous as someone complaining because their parents are rich. Like, how entitled and out of touch you have to be to be complaining about something that is so clearly a net positive? How easy do you expect your life to be? I'm sorry I don't feel empathy towards these people because they don't feel empathy towards others. If you're complaining because you are pretty is because you clearly never talked to an ugly person in your life.
@@dificulttocure i feel for you man. they say "privilege is something you don't know you have", and while most people are privileged in some regard, it feels like in this day and age the limelight is on "male privilege" which is a vast oversimplification of the social issues facing BOTH men and women... Saying women can't win is ridiculous, especially when it comes to dating, where they have vastly more choice. This isn't to say that sexual harassment isn't an issue in and of itself, but as a guy, to be honest, some part of me would trade it with not having any choice at all, in a heartbeat.
@@dificulttocurehey are complaining about their pain n experience not about being pretty, ur experience is as valided as hers when she got both sides where attractiveness n being overweight is both painful. the video is literally talking about to stop judging ppl bc they’ve got something u don’t have, get back n watch 20:00 before commenting
As a woman, I am honestly saddened by the amount of boys and men in the comment section minimizing the experiences of women, like we’re not allowed/unable to feel normal human emotions and problems because of our gender? And if we do they will never be as intense, important or bad as men’s problems because only men can have it bad? Like ffs I swear some of you treat us like we’re a completely different species.
Yea I agree. It's shitty, however men do it because for us, this is the norm. So it stands to reason that when there is a lack of empathy or understanding, this will be the result. Men are treated like a dangerous and disposable species, so men who havent learned about female perspectives, view women as the fair and socially "accepted" species. It's certaintly hard to relate.
@@frostdracohardstyle I get what you mean but just because your struggles have been invalidated in the past, doesn’t give you a free pass to invalidate other people’s struggles. I feel like a lot of men who watch this channel have no experience with actual real life women, so when they say “This is the norm for men” they don’t realize/accept that actually, this is the norm for women too and that in our way, we have it just as bad as men. Life is hard, and what’s between your legs doesn’t suddenly make life easier, believe it or not. Sure there are some advantages and disadvantages to being one gender vs another but entering the oppression olympics and treating half the human population like whiny aliens doesn’t solve anything. The best we can do as a society is listen, acknowledge each other and lift each other up. Also in regards to being dangerous: Just don’t take it personally if a woman crosses the street if you walk behind her. You might be friendly, but she doesn’t know that. She just doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her so she’s playing it safe. It’s nothing against you. Don’t blame women for calling you dangerous, because they don’t, blame the men who made her fear you in the first place.
@@noidea4254 ''real life women'' youre talking like the women we talk to on the net are from a different planet. A girl you see on tinder is the same woman you see outside. Other than that stop complaining.
Man, loneliness sucks and I'm ashamed that I've hyperfocussed on male loneliness because I relate to it more. I never even thought that female loneliness was a thing. I guess life is hard for everyone, and thinking that one group is inherently better off than another is a flawed mentality. I'll be better.
It's not a flawed mentality its completely logical. Women don't experience the same level as loneliness as men and that is just statistically backed up. Any women can find physical affection while men cant find both mental and physical affection. That's why most of these movements are fueled by men such as MGTOW.
It takes effort and practice to have compassion! Be proud of yourself for recognizing your bias and exercising empathy, and the better chance you have at meeting a life long partner because you'll treat them like the human beings you both are 🎉!
I'm a guy who grew up extremely lonely and depressed. Sex is great but more than anything I needed intimacy. It really baffles me sometimes when I run into guys who don't want to be lonely anymore and they think what they need is to get laid on a regular basis. It doesn't make you any less lonely. I started doing significantly better when I got into a real relationship with someone that I could share everything with. We forged a bond that went well beyond sex. Sex may be what you want, but it's not necessarily what you need.
Story of my life, but I'm a woman (happily married today!). I'm considered quite attractive by my culture's standards, but all these dating invitations from other dudes before my partner have done nothing to salve my misery. Oh, and getting friends of both genders along the way helped as well, but a true friend is not easy to find, and I deeply cherish all of them. Casual sex can help with... touch starvation, I guess (I've tried the thing and haven't enjoyed it tbh, but to each their own!), and surface level pals can make you feel more included in the community, but none of these approaches truly solves actual loneliness - the feeling that you're perpetually misunderstood, and can't truly reveal yourself and/or share your values with another person.
@@aimee9478 Touch starvation is really the worst for me. I'm sorry if I mostly talk about men in this comment, but what on the other side applies for women is implicit and can be deduced(it's in the 'unmarked space'). And maybe it's interesting from the woman-perspective. In normal homosocial relationships between men, touch, and more spicifically things like cuddling are still implicitly considered gay, so a man usually doesn't get it here, at least touch in such relationships can never happen in an intented non-sexual but plesurabe context. Unlike in homosocial relationships between women or girls, where it is allowed. So for men the only institution or place for this in the western society is a romantic relationship. But unlike homosocial relationships, romantic relationship are for many men a really scarce good and it's way more complicated. So I think men are not in a good position for touch in a non-sexual plesurable way, because the only place it usually happenes is relationship, which is generally a very exclusive and discriminative institution, especially for some. One could think maybe with female friends, but often not, because the border between friend and romantic or sexual zone can be pretty strict and clear and it's expected from many that cuddling with a man is relationship or sexual zone. But... honestly I just want to love someone and it doesn't have to be romantical. Just someone I can love for who they are(and everything you wrote at the end of your paragraph) and I suffer from the fact that many people are not more emotionally sensible. At average women are emotionally more sensual than men, so chances are higher here. At the same time lower, because if a man in his 20's tries to interact with random women it is expected he wants sex or a relationship. So what to do? Where to do and how to do? I suck especially at the how. Btw. it's very strange. Some women are annoyed from dating invitations while many men think it'd be the best thing in the world. This gender stuff is just stupid and I wish all those differences wouldn't exist. Also I'm kinda sorry if you read this all, because I haven't really replied to the things you wrote... maybe it was still fitting in some way - I hope.
One of the often unspoken things about the loneliness of being an attractive woman is that it’s genuinely difficult sometimes to know if someone wants to be your friend or just wants to sleep with you. There’s a very specific kind of hurt that comes with losing someone who you thought was a friend because as soon as you made it clear you weren’t romantically/sexually interested in them, they disappeared.
Ok, don't listen to Howl cause that's just bs. A guy that is capable of seeing a woman as an actual human being is also capable of being friends with them. And yes, they do actually exist. Some of my best friends, who I've been friends with for years, who I have trusted in a lot of situations, are male.
@@laurinha2892 So girl saying she know guys better than me? Cool. I'm pretty sure huge portion of your "best friends" would gladly accept invite to relationship with you. Why you can't understand that for us, having male friends is just way easier. And I'm not saying you are not human being, but girls are different.
@@howl404 Ok, first things first, sorry. I was rude and I shouldn't have just invalidated your experience, especially given you are a guy and you do know more about males than me. But the reason I reacted the way I did was because I saw a bit of my younger self in your comment and felt frustrated. I actually do understand where you're coming from because I've had a similar mindset before. I didn't think guys and girls could just genuinely be friends because of how different they are from one another. I also thought having girls as friends was way easier and didn't even try seeing boys as possible friends, I didn't have guy friends at all at the time. Boys were basically either possible boyfriend material, life NPCs, or assholes who only care about s3x. Until I found a guy who thought similarly about girls. He had a girlfriend at the time and he was going through some problems I've had before and I tried helping him. We became friends and helped each other realize that guys and girls are more complex than what we thought. *Men aren't all the same and neither are women.* Some people have an easier time having friendships of the same sex while others experience the opposite. Some will look at someone of the opposite sex and immediately consider them a possible romantic and/or s3xual partner, while some won't. Even though men and women are fundamentally different, before being a female or male we are humans. We are capable of really enjoying each other's company, as humans, to the point that we don't care if we're in a romantic or platonic relationship as long as we get to keep being a part of each other's life. I've said all of this only considering heterosexuality btw. Now add all sexualities into the equation and boom. It's become even more complex than before. *TL;DR Hetero guys and gals can genuinely just be friends, without waiting to get into each other's pants, out of appreciation for who the other is as a person*
What annoys me is that when i go through these comments i see people saying women live on easy mode because men are attracted to them and that they shouldn't complain, when that's the problem. I'm lonely as a woman and regardless of how many men find me attractive or want to fuck me, that doesn't help, it actually makes it worse because I'm lonely due to a lack of FRIENDS. i don't care if people want to date me because i don't want to date anyone, but the thought of befriending people who have an end goal of sex or romantic relationship, it... it just makes me paranoid and i look at every person who approaches me with so much suspiciousness that i end up pushing potential friends away BECAUSE of people who value romance and sex as either the end goal and or more valuable than friendship. I'm aromantic and asexual. i don't care about dating or sex. but all that does is make less people want to talk to me and form lasting friendships which just leads to loneliness so severe my heart hurts at the thought of wantings friends so bad, but the only thing people talk to me for is help or advice. it feels like I'm not a person and that no one cares about me other than my parents who still use "you're beautiful" as the highest compliment when i can't even understand or sense beauty all in all, loneliness doesn't just come from not being seen as a potential partner, it's not being seen as someone worthy of genuine friendship. in my experience.
At this point you're self-sabotaging out of fear. Due to a lot of people having shit childhoods we don't know how to be friends since all we learned how to do is fuck. As kid you're just happy seeing somebody wearing the same colored shirt. Then it breaks down to liked hobbies and talents. There was innocence to it, personally I always hated making friends because they never lasted because something happened that caused them and or myself to move. That's when sex started to fill that hole, yet that just ended in more emptiness. There's only so much raunch one can tolerate before they're back at square one. Me? I just find self-sabotaging is out of futility. I want friends yet I was never one to keep up with them
People complain about being friendzoned. The other side of it is getting fuck-zoned. That sounds really shitty and i hope that one day you can heal from shitty past expiriences and hopefully find a group and community you find belongship for.
@@Kuraikoamiki Personally, what would "fix it" is a respect of people's social needs. A lot of people feel locked out of what should be the easiest thing in life. Which is being social with each other. Men need to learn to care of a woman's mental needs and women need to learn to care for man's physical needs. This is more so for straight people yet this is the ROOT of the problem since everybody simply mimics them no matter what they tell themselves. Basically relationships need to get rid of this "win or lose" mentality that people need to "earn" the right to be treated right. Since that very mentality is why they get hurt due to they were in a relationship to get over on somebody. That isn't gonna make you happy. Like money can only do so much, when you're alone and don't know how to be alone it crushes some people. We have a long road when it comes to truly healing humanity's pain.
@@BruceWaynesaysLandBack That’s just it, and that is really what people refuse to admit, even if they correctly identify all the symptoms. It isn’t a vague moral ill, it’s much simpler then that. People in power profit off your misery.
“We started gatekeeping other’s suffering if they have an advantage” is such a perfect fucking quote for half of this comment section… I’m having too much fun replying with this to incels who believe their loneliness is exclusive to them
For me "being pretty" (which I am not even confident I am) meant getting cat called at 13, getting sexually harrassed on my way from school in the bus, getting inappropriate attention from a 32 year old and being subjected to psychological sexual abuse by someone else at 16 . The thing is I never had real interest in dating until I was 16, by 16 I was kind of interested in some guys in my classroom, but my dad's snide comments about me dating someone made me so angry that I almost closed myself off to it. A lot of "pretty" girls have a lot of formative, traumatic experiences by the time they even get interested in boys in any serious capacity. I wish men would know to leave young girls alone, maybe then girls wouldn't be so on the defensive in adulthood. (edit: To anyone replying to this, please keep this comment thread on topic. Men or women, you are welcome to share your similar experiences and give others emotional support and encouragement. If there is any other direction you wish to take this conversation, please kindly make a new comment thread instead of interrupting the conversation here. This space is for people who can relate to experiences like mine to talk to each other and find an outlet or support.)
I can relate to this. My experience may not be the exact as your. I was sexually harassed (touched on the butt) at 14 but a male classmate, and my breast grouped by a female (kinda) friend at 15. I would get creepy looks from old men since 13 and l dressed very boyish. My father was (still kinda is) abusive towards me my whole life. Especially last year which made me spiral into the worst depression I ever had. My sister and I were cool and kinda friends throughout my teen years up till 17, but as saw through delusions. She smokes weed, is messy, gets into very abusive and toxic relationships every year. One of which put my family and myself in danger as she was dating a gangster and I still resent her for that. She is self aware about her behavior but is not willing to change. My sister had said very hurtful things to me, all out of 'love'. Such as saying I like being depressed and calling me selfish, and a drug addict(ironically she got high on my anxiety medication once). Anyways, last year a classmate reached out to me and l confessed to my personal stuff. This is the first time I was ever honest to a person. Bare in mind I was severely depressed. He would help me with my panic attacks. He would sometimes flirt with me and I would tell him to stop. I eventually developed a crush on him. I was confused at 1st since I never had a crush on anyone before and felt extremely guilty and wanted to self harm. Bc I was supposed to be focused on cxc and getting better. The classmate and I indirectly confessed feelings for each other and he ghosted me 3 weeks later and even didn't talk to me at school. The last real conversation we had was during an online class he told me he had a gf and had to 'be respectful towards her.' I went into an even deeper spiral and was afraid to go to school, but I eventually did and one day I overheard him saying to his friends that he and his gf was dating for a year and she broke up with him and said she didn't loved him. I started to have a panic attack as that was conformation that he never cared about me. I asked my teacher to go to the washroom so I can cry, the teacher followed me and comfort me. And I appreciate her to this day for that. The more l went to school the more l got disgusted of the classmate's personality, such as talking about getting his gf's ass. Anyways I stopped caring about him and on the last day of exams I called him mommy kink and never saw him again. I am currently a lot better now but I would always have a fear of being alone forever and fear of getting abusive (especially sexually) relationship and that they wouldn't actually care about me especially since I am mentally ill with a lot of baggage that I try to get rid of but it's apart of who l am. My mom and sister are in abusive relationships and I am cursed and might get into one. And I am waiting till marriage, it's a personal choice for me for safety reasons please do not judge. So yh that was my autobiography.
@@steamyvegetables1445 Hey, thank you for sharing. What is internet for if not for oversharing to random strangers lol, I do it a lot. First of all I would never judge someone for something like that, you are valid to prefer to wait for however long you want and for whatever reason, personal or religious, moral or even just cause you feel like it. It is not anyone should ever judge about you. I always feel for young girls, it is just so cruel being put through such things when you are just a child. Also that guy was such an asshole, you deserved someone who actually cared about you and supported you. I am sorry you went through that :( And you also didn't deserve the way your sister treated you. It must be hard for someone so close to you to behave so irresponsibly, I really hope from the bottom of my heart that you will meet kind, responsible, caring people who will be there for you when you need them. I also have fears of being alone for a long time, but I don't believe for one second you are cursed. If you are worried your past experiences and traumas might have made you susceptible to get into abusive relationships, you can try and talk to a professional about those worries and learn more about early signs of toxic relationships. Often times bad experiences only has an affect on us until we learn more about them and start working on any issues they have caused us. I wish you all the best
I face intense harassment, I get stalked, chased down streets, harassed in public transportation constantly, I’ve been followed home lots of times and whenever I complained people didn’t understand what I was talking about because no one faced what I faced to that extreme level.
Not only the pretty ones - I was average looking but had big brests even with 13. I got sexually harassed by an old men and deprecating comments from other boys if my brests were "made". It stopped when I gained weight - I felt safe then. So even "average" looking women (or maybe I was attractive, but I didn't felt that way) get harassed. I don't know any women that was free of it.
@@gracejacobs7146 I am really sorry :( That has to be super stressful. I knew someone like that through a friend. I never met her but my friend would tell all these horrifying stories of people being creeps to her. Like she would be getting stalked after getting off a bus and when she confronted her stalker he would be like "I just wanted to tell you you are beautiful". Makes me shiver just thinking about it.
as an autistic and above average looking woman, you have no idea how much I relate to this. And how often people are in shock, when I visibly show my struggle (crying fits as an example). It seems like they can't wrap their heads around that i am disabled, just because I don't look like they expect a disabled person to look like
As a fellow above average autistic woman, I totally relate! People are always shocked to hear that I have never been in a serious relationship, and their shock makes me feel even worse. They seem to assume that attractive people can’t be odd or painfully awkward
I have a friend who struggled with this. She could not find a man that would not only like her, but also not like her because of a fetishisation of her quirks.
I feel like the whole point of her being attractive is a huge red herring in this discussion. We get sidetracked with focusing on that part while the real issue is a very simple case of trauma leading to maladaptive mindsets around romance. The attractiveness (or rather the focus on it) is misleading both her and people around her to pretty much ignoring the underlying issue that needs to be resolved. I'm just as guilty of that dismissive feeling of envy knowing that she gets 'more dice rolls' because of her attractiveness and femininity compared to me but that's actually just shoving the spotlight back on me and my insecurities. The point is that she, just like anyone else, is someone with social anxiety and trauma who needs treatment.
Agreed. Her attractiveness plays a big role in people's reaction to her problems and loneliness, but it doesn't really have anything to do with her problems and loneliness. At worst it just attracts the wrong kind of people that reinforce her mindsets.
Yeah, I was gonna say… I relate to what he said, but unlike her, I have always been open about who I am. I always tried to be A Person, I despised anyone who saw me for my looks when we CLEARLY had completely incompatible personalities. This isn’t to shame her because like you said: she experienced trauma, which probably led her to not easily opening up at all. Which maybe even made seeing through the fakeness of others real hard. Of others "just using you". If it’s always been this way. The "prettiness problem" feels like just a response to this community.
@@mayumayudreams i think its because he knows that a lot of recovering lnceIs and misogynists watch him and when they read the post the only thing they will focus on is the fact that she is attractive. So he wanted to address that aspect and dispel the false idea that her attractiveness will prevent her from being lonely, since a lot fo the audience will have those thoughts
It's so sad to see people just disbelieving her and ragging on her because her experience doesn't line up to their preconceptions. You can have whatever opinions you want about "being a woman is being easy mode" but this person is suffering, can't you just like... chill? Don't pile on if you don't have anything good to say?
Just in general: If you experience an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, please seek help. You can feel lonely regardless of your gender, "attractiveness" or the number/quality of relationships in your life. Also: I really don't understand how people think casual relationships/sex are supposed to fix loneliness. That does not work.
Thank you! I’m tired of people telling me that there’s “better dudes out there” and how I’m “looking for the wrong people” when there’s more than just meeting someone to fill the void
Ngl. As a man, getting In shape and having access to tons of casual sex and relationships definitely fixed my anxieties. As a man of your sexual value is low, women just treat you worse.
As an unattractive girl with pretty nerdy hobbies, life sucks. İ feel like no matter what i do i will always be the weird girl that no one likes. İ was never told i was pretty but was told several times that i am unattractive. İ see so many girls complaining about getting sexualized but i am so lonely at this point i dont care how he treats me i just need him to acknowledge my existence. İ am ashamed to say this but i just need men to see me too and not just be perceived as gross and ugly...
“Nerdy” hobbies is your own mindset; there’s billions of people on this earth. Who cares if you’re not into nail polish and the recent season of dancing with the stars. The issue is men and women can’t just be friends. Men will always want to have sex unless they’re in a committed relationship. You say you’re unattractive; and you wouldn’t care about being treated poorly if a guy just noticed you. And as a guy who has known a lot of guys, there’s literally a guy for every girl (both figuratively and literally). But it would help to put effort in if you’re wanting to attract more partners. But legit, “nerdy” hobbies don’t matter in the slightest; at least to me and many others. That insecurity you feel comes from within; it sucks, I too used to feel that way no matter what I did. Work on yourself and if you’re interested in finding a partner, you’ll find them; don’t sell yourself short.
Men love nerdy girls, why do you think e-girls exist. The only realistic physical attribute is if you are fat are not. And if you don't get attention why don't you do it yourself, i'm sure more than 80% of men would give their number
If it’s that bad, honestly save money and try to get some work done. Of course I believe you should love yourself, but when we live in a world so focused on looks I have to give you practical advise.
As a woman, it is completely demoralizing after you realize half of your relationships were based only on your looks, and not at all on who you are as a person. I've been through my fair share of relationships where I've been objectified, and was only really kept around as "arm candy". It's hard feeling like I have value for my personality or intelligence when the only thing I've ever been noticed for is my looks. Being lonely is a different experience I think for women sometimes, it's the experience of not being seen for who you are. Edit: before commenting on this, please note that nowhere in my comment did I say that women have it harder than men. Lets remember this isn't an oppression or suffering competition, and the Healthy Gamer space is a place for people to share their troubles and find support. No need to shoot down women's issues because men also experience issues. Have a good day ✌️
It's when you're secretly your most lonely and unsure of yourself when you're in your social circle and most unapologetically yourself when you're at home with your cat / with that ONE friend.
@@mrdee2454 dude how would she know the guy just wanted her for her looks? Especially in the beginning, if he acted interested, attentive and friendly? Take a step back and stop immediately blaming the woman.
I think for men the idea that attractiveness solves all problems for women can be a result of them lacking empathy and only seeing women for what society expects you to perceive them as (basically a half human doll), but it usually would come from the fact that people like to act like there is an easy solution to their problem when there really isn't. For example, people tend to lose weight to fix their body dysmorphia, but no matter how close you come to looking like your dream body, you will still hate your body if you can't learn to love yourself without changing. People think "oh if I just looked better than my life would be perfect", so they look at people who look better and assume their theory is true about them too.
Yeah, people want to believe in an easy solution. A lot of men are also actually cripplingly depressed over their looks, but admitting that would make them seem weak and vulnerable, so I suppose this lashing out is an aggressive macho-style coping mechanism. I've met many women and men who seemed to have everything I ever thought I wanted, yet somehow they seem as sad or sadder than I am. Everything comes with its own set of issues.
It's because a lot of men are actually invisible due to how unattractive they are. So, they automatically assume that being attractive will be living on "easy mode" as it solves all of their problems.
Very true. They’re projecting their desires onto women. They want to sleep with her so she must want that too and should stop complaining because she can easily get that.
It’s a mixed bag with a lot of nuance. There is definitely an aspect of projection where men condemn women complaining about anything if they are attractive, because said men are insecure. But there is another aspect in that attractive women do take what they can when they can where they can, leveraging their looks in ways no man on planet earth has the ability to do so. OF girls who just 5 years ago would have had to work relatively hard to get a much smaller market share of money and status, can circumvent that in a matter of weeks or months. Women being elevated past their station at work because they are just women. The difficulty in finding a job because the company in question is only hiring women for the training position. I work for an international Fortune 500 company right now and ALL trainee positions in the company are filled by women, with HR openly saying entire departments will soon only be filled by women. So yes, the insecurities and projections do exist, but legitimate complaints from men do exist and it’s dangerous to blanket the issue in “men insecure nothing else need be said”. EDIT: I’m not saying you’re saying that as I’m 99% you’re not, I’m just trying to add some nuance from the male perspective when it comes to this issue. MOST girls we see who are attractive KNOW they are attractive and use it to their advantage. I think the problem men need to grapple with is in accepting if they were just as attractive, wouldn’t they do the same fucking thing? The answer is probably yes.
@@Zikomo7 Your looks are your only value? Then try having not even that and you have no value, youre alone AND you have to go out and act like a clown to get noticed and end up with straight rejections when youre trying real hard. Welcome to men's life.
This one really hit hard. I'm a 23 year old woman, and I haven't had a single friend IRL since I was in middle school. Crippling social anxiety and autistic. All I've done for years is work and come home and waste my time away gaming. Any time I've tried to open up to someone about how isolated and empty I feel, they don't believe it. It also doesn't help that I am asexual, so when the only attention I get is the sexual advances from men, it leaves me feeling even more empty. After so many years of being in my room I feel like it's impossible for me to make a human connection anymore.
The asexual part is bullshit. I helped an upper middle class girl who had stepfather child sexual abuse and at 18 years old she was in a anarchist camp hippy + lesbian/asexual taking antidepressants. I partly helped her to change. She ended up sleeping with a psychologist and now she's not lesbian anymore but in a polyamorous phase. Repressed sexuality is just how women react to stress. You're 0% asexual. You're just traumatised and without social support and as pregnancy is a huge cost and threat, your biological instinct is to deactivate sexual desire to avoid the massive threat of carrying the burden of pregnancy alone. Get social support and magically your sexual drive will explode. Get a boyfriend under a "I'm damaged material, no sex for now, maybe one day" agreement, choosing someone who has lots of self control and won't jump on you until you're ready.
Loneliness makes people appreciate what they have more. People who are never left alone to wrestle with their thoughts are often shallow and insufferable. Being lonely is a blessing if you are tough enough to make it through.
Thank you💚you made my day better💚Thats exactly how i felt, in 5 years relationship and with abusive best friend... I was very shallow, now I dont feel that happy but i feel myself more and i can connect more with people that suffer
@@radfoo72 That's very difficult but very revealing. You must have something in your relationship with yourself that is good enough to keep living life :) You have accomplished a great thing by simply not letting yourself be crushed by isolation. I admire you for that.
@@fenixleonor I'm happy to have had a positive influence on someone. Thank you. To suffer is to know yourself. You can't choose your trials, but you have full control over yourself while you are in the middle of it. This responsibility is heavy for many people and they blame external factors for their own reactions. The Matthew Effect is real and cannot be ignored but it doesn't condemn us to permanent pain. I'm glad you have overcome the doubts of poor relationships. It is better to be alone than with people who make you feel alone. Be someone you love to hangout with. Cheers!
I feel her loneliness. The few times I've had a chance at a relationship I had to cut it off once it became clear that they just want a girlfriend, not a partner.
women are incapable of being a "partner" a partner doesent just wait at the finish line and fuck the winner a partner is with you the entire way, which women don't do
@@OnyieOnyeabor007 just being someone for the sake of it, for instance I've had my friends constantly complain that they want a girlfriend, because I think they think it'll be a girl that will validate their low self esteem rather than having a person that truly cares for each other
@@OnyieOnyeabor007 feeling of validation of finally having a partner or in other words "finally collecting that piece of the puzzle to make my life look decent to others"
For some reason I believe both processes are the same, it's a two-ways road. when you're average you make average effort to approach people because each one of the persons makes halfway the effort. When you're ugly, you have to effort more to attract them to "compensate", to cross with your personality the gap that looks should cross by itself. On the same note, when you're pretty you also have to effort more to access and keep people around, since your looks already brought them closer, now you have to show you're not just what you look.
Not true, I know a guy who told me he does stuff with girls he thinks are below average just because it is easy. I think most women are pretty and we should not value ourselves based on men's behaviour, some literally fuck goats and do not see women as human beings
I consider myself to be an empathetic person and I will admit that there are times where I just completely fail to relate. In the past this is has been one of those things. It wasn't until I actually made friends with someone who is the stereotypical "hot girl" all her life that I realized that she was one of the loneliest people I had ever met and she had way more emotional baggage than I would have imagined.
My best old friend from high school was an early bloomer and had a very big chest, even more so compared to her small body size. She got sexually harassed and assaulted multiple times from 13 years on. Grown men were following her home multiple times, men in their 40s/50s were hitting on an obvious teenager during festive events, her "best friend" betrayed her and tried to rope her while she was drunk and sleeping and even worse stuff happened. She got anxiety and panic attacks, she can't sleep anywhere else except home and needed years of therapy and lots of medication to get back on track. Thankfully she found a very nice boyfriend, but other than that I think she is pretty lonely...
That's exactly what I was thinking about. My ex gf is a beautiful and nice girl, yet she struggles with loneliness, she only has one or two friends, and she has a lot of emotional baggage, she's taking care of a kid alone at 22 (not mine), her mother is gonna die of cancer soon and she has to take care of her dad and younger brothers and sisters, on top of other emotional struggles, some of which I'm responsible for, sadly. That's something I would have never imagined (outside of what I'm responsible for ofc) if she didn't reach out to check in recently. All I and other people could see is a happy social media "fake" mask. It must be really hard to be told, implicitly or not, that you souldn't complain because you're living life on ez mode, since you look like Barbie and a lot of men are after you. Hearing her tell me she doesn't speak about her problems to anyone, except me apparently, because she doesn't want to bother people was rly sad.. I don't know anyone who could carry such a burden alone..
It is really hard to relate when all I read is that she can't have a deep connection and not doing anything about, not going to therapy or trying to take part in any social activity/ community. Obviously there are past trauma or some other issue that is impeding them in taking action. But I do not have a lot of empathy for people who have natural advantage and resources compared to others and dont do anything about their problem and all they do is complain and have self pity
@@qweasd9153 She is doing stuff about it though. She has gotten a lot more social, she is less obsessive about working out, she seems to be doing better every time I see her. She used to be super depressed and she is actually taking control of her life more and more, it's just really hard for her to build trust in other people when she has been burned so badly. She is trying to build a life that does not revolve around her looks but it is very difficult. On one hand she has been praised for her looks her entire life and her reward system is wired towards that. She believes that now that she is over 30 that she is almost unlovable for instance. Which is absurd but if you believe that and are conditioned in that way than imagine how tough it is to break out of that. She has struggled to let go of all the things that she does to make herself look good (which is a lot of time!) and at the same time break out of her comfort zone and build platonic friendships so she feels value. Also she does have some natural advantages, but it was social conditioning that makes her push those advantages to such extremes. She also has natural disadvantages in her family and how they pushed her in that direction. It is more complicated than genetics!
I can't tell you how much relieved i felt when i read that woman's reddit post, my life is just like hers, word by word. And I'm only 18, turned this year. I've been this way for years and i had rare moments to enjoy my teen years, because of something i couldn't completely control
Learn about red flags, especially for narcissism.. I'm 45, and it took me years to figure it out and now I'm pretty vigilant. Hope you find what you need and don't get burned too much in the process
I had the same revelation as I heard this woman’s story too. I have such a similar life to hers, that hearing that I am not alone almost made me cry. I’m only 18 too, and having so much loneliness and such a need for connection is hard to cope with as a new adult. But at least we aren’t alone. We got this, we can get through it. The happiness we have missed out on in our early years might be waiting for us later, we just have to get there.
The single greatest lesson I've learned in my 20 years of life is that every single person is carrying a tremendous amount of baggage with them, no matter how easy their life looks like from the outside. Rich, poor, beautiful, ugly, social, lonely. Everyone suffers.
Some more than others. No one says that the rich or beautiful don't suffer at all. But we have to make the comparison because the ugly and poor have it way worse in this world we live in.
@@JonasCraftUltimate even the people who dont look like they are suffering may be. You dont know, some people have a calm exterior hiding a raging torrent of awful feelings. There are challenges you will never understand just like there are challenges other people will never understand about you.
@@lolizorz tell me you have no Idea about the life on the other side without telling me you have no idea about the life on the other side. For me, the friends who came from poorer backgrounds suffer less than the ones coming from rich families. It's a different struggle, but a pretty equal one
Dr. K, I appreciate the videos where you talk about people outside the male gaming group. It provides a lot of insight and a different perspective on the community, and with that, I believe comes more understanding. One of my favourite videos that I go back to watch is the interview you did with a parent dealing with a son with a gaming addiction. I hope to see more diverse interviews in the future and as always, keep up the great work.
I often think back to that video as well. It was very eye opening to see the perspective of a parent. Likewise as a cis white Male it's always great to learn how other people think and feel. I love these topics.
The more that Healthy Gamer develops, the more that I think that the name is kinda unfortunate. Dr. K can help(and has helped) a lot more people than just gamers. But I feel like someone who could use some help from Dr. K/the Healthy Gamer community might see the name and think it's just for gamers and be turned away from it.
Agree, shows that issues like the ones Dr.K talks about don't discriminate between people. Also kind of shows how people struggle to find meaningful connections with other people and reach out to new people.
I totally agree. The more we can involve women's voices in this space, the more it will help the men experiencing issues with women. Humanizing women and their issues is a huge step in the right direction to getting out of some of the toxic or "incel" aligned mindsets that may appear in the community. This is great to see.
As a woman, I absolutely appreciate your comment and Dr K. This was someone that self-identifies as attractive, I still want to hear about someone non attractive like me.
As a male college student, realizing this about people really gets me down. I've never dated or held any remote relationship in my 22 years. The closest thing I knew to love was when I was sexually abused as a kid. but people ironically assume me to have a thriving love life or being sexually active because of how I look. The way I act very chill, funny and outgoing socially, people never suspect that I'm in reality spending what feels like my entire life making sense of my broken childhood. And I feel this is just worse for women that are objectified. It's not even just romantically, it can feel like every connection and potential one, even if small if significance, can be an opportunity to be objectified, even if its subtle. Humans have the hardest time recognizing other humans 😢
Thank you for showing empathy here. Sometimes it means a lot. People center romantic relationship as if it was the only source of emotional intimacy. It is pretty normal never having ever had a relationship in the beginning of one's 20s, even when people are good looking, for different reasons. I spent most of my twenties trying to find a way to feel human and connect with others. I hope you'll find a way to heal. I know it is exhausting, it can take many years, decades even. I hope you'll get better :)
We’re listening and I’m sorry. I hope you do well and enjoy your life right more and moving forward. I hope go well for you and wish you luck on your healing journey. 🕊️
Hey, it must’ve been tough to share this story. I sincerely hope that things will eventually turn out better for you. Somewhere far away, I’m cheering for you.❤
I hate that people gatekeep suffering. Even if someone is rich or attractive or seemingly has it all, I hate when people say well f them they have it easy. Life is hard no matter what. We're all different people and we want different things. Just because someone is a genius doesn't mean they can't want a mundane job. Just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they can't feel ugly.
I think we should acknowledge all suffering and loneliness, however we should also acknowledge some people have it harder than others, if your the child of Elon musk or Jeff Bezos you are going to find life easier than a orphan growing up in a poor area with disability.
@@weissrose1081 That doesn't mean they had a hard life, their father is one of the richest people on the planet, money has never and will never be an issue for them
@@kyzantia8884 hmm maybe it's ok to consider different levels of struggle. When it comes to empathizing. An able person whoud never know what it's like to grow up with a disability. But that doesn't mean their struggles can't be valid. It's just different struggles.
@@kyzantia8884 they are a human being and they can have things happen to them like parents divorced,growing up alienated or some other problem. But they wouldn't have to sacrifice their needs to earn money. And general hardships that come with not having enough money and access. That is a struggle they wouldn't have to go thru.
I have a “friend” who humiliated me in front of a bar full of people on purpose. This “friend” apologized by saying “you’re so tall and beautiful and confident that sometimes I forget you have feelings”
Geez hearing then must have hurt. Hope you told her that was not okay in any shape. She seems jealous of you & they can be the nastiest friends to have.
good to see the other perspective. "When you’re ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust"
I'd still rather have some attention instead of none, but only as a man. I know the dangers women have to face every day so unwanted attention for them can be extremely scary
This is interesting because it has a lot of similarities to how people who are fetishized feel in alot of circumstances as well. Me particularly as a black male there is a lot of things people expect of me sex wise and the more I'm pressured into living up to that expectation the less humanizing it feels because I become nothing but an experience and my personality feels like it starts to not matter
idk if you’ve heard of this channel but it’s called F.D. Signifier and he made a really good video about the over-sexualization of black men to the point of objectification
That's a really interesting observation, thanks for sharing your perspective. Keep looking, there are definitely people out there who care about more than one thing about you. Find them, and hold them close.
I'm not sure if I should call you lucky or not, because it sure beats being seen as unattractive due to being a man who belongs in a race that is not deemed as attractive. Let's face it - do women even want to marry an Asian man outside of BTS?
If you want to know what it feels like to realize that a guy just wanted sex out of you and didn't give a fuck about your humanity, it's fairly similar to when your old friend from high school reconnects, then eventually shifts the conversation to the MLM that they want you to join.
@@rossatkinson8621im a woman and i experienced both the typically female experience and the one you attribute to guys. Just being into me because i own 2 houses and have money 😂 theres something called prenup. Yes 😂
What about the female loneliness of all that above, except you’re not pretty. All your life you hear about other people’s issues of getting too much attention and while you try to feel bad, deep down you feel like you’re not even worth mentioning. You also have social anxiety, you’ve been bullied for your looks by peers and adults alike, but this time no one even tries to approach you. You hear about “beauty within” and realize you probably don’t have much of that either since people clearly don’t see it in you. You try to pursue men instead of waiting around, and on top of rejection you’re also told that you come off as improper and desperate. “Girls should wait until a suitor is interested.” When you were young, you also thought that you’d grow up pretty “in your own unique way”. Your family tells you your focus in life should be family and getting a husband. In reality the doctor tells you “don’t worry, we’ll fix your acne so you can find a husband one day” when you’re 11 and haven’t ever been in a relationship yet…and then treatment doesn’t work. As a woman, I feel defined by my looks. Everywhere online you can see that people assume a girl is kind and smart when they are just pretty. Sometimes I wonder, if I had to be repulsive anyway, why couldn’t I have been a guy instead. Then my family might define me by my achievements rather than my looks.
I think the problem is with how women are viewed by society as whole. A fun toy and a boring toy are both still toys, objects you play with and then discard when you’re done. Even the fun and attractive toys get discarded. That’s how I think women are generally viewed by society. They are just toys that are valued for their superficial qualities. This is why I think both attractive and unattractive women feel isolated and alone. When your worth is controlled by shallow qualities, you are bound to feel lonely, whether you are valued or not. And it’s probably especially tortuous because as a human being, you _know_ you have more to offer, but barely anyone cares about that. This could be totally wrong though because I’m not a woman so I don’t have first hand experience with this stuff, and I don’t have any female friends.
@@qwertyasdf4081 No, you are spot on. It just sucks to be reduced to a hallow shell. The only time I feel truly free is on the Internet, when no one knows I'm not a guy. That's when people treat me with respect. The crux of being a man is that you get judged by your achievements - the crux of being a woman is that you are NOT judged by your achievements. Even if you're the most powerful woman in the world, all they will see is your looks. That's just so sad.
@@red_calla_lily Thanks for the reply :) And yeah, I think everyone suffers from it, including men, just in a different way. Really, choosing to value an entire group of people from all walks of life by just one or two factors is detrimental to everyone. Every person out there has tons of worth, just in different places.
im an 18 year old girl. i was bullied heavily in elementary school and middle school for being ugly so i developed anxiety, on top of the fact that i have autism so that makes socializing and making friends harder for me. and then in high school, i started looking very pretty and a guy even had a crush on me. this made me feel flattered, but i had and still have so many mental health issues. i was really bad at controlling my emotions at the time, so i ended up taking out my pain onto people around me. i thought being pretty would magically make my problems in terms of loneliness go away but they didn’t.
Oh no... You have a life that, even with constant "bullying" is infinitely easier than the life of even the most attractive and successful male. Let me pull out the world's smallest violin for you and play you a sad song.
I relate to this so hard!! When I was uglier people saw my autism as just weird and creepy or whatever, but now that I fixed up my appearance a bit people interpret my autistic behaviors as attention seeking, and arrogant, because these are the stereotypes about attractive ppl in our world. It makes me so sad because I'm actually just so bad at making friends from all the bullying and trauma I've been through, and I have a hard time trusting others.
Gosh I can relate to the first OP so much. What makes being like this even harder is the fact that we’re extra susceptible to abusive men. We already isolate and have little support. I genuinely am convinced I attract narcissists / abusers like my parents despite my best efforts not to. Breaking cycles is so lonely. Animals, despite the heartache involved - are the only thing that makes life worth living for me personally.
yes... and my siblings treat me badly because i'm supposedly the privileged one. they have each other; i've always been neglected because i'm the good-looking one... you can't win. stop all this competition, everyone! we are all here to love and be loved. kindness is all that matters.
True. If you're the cutest person around, if you're the "prize" in the eyes of someone like that, you probably are attracting them whether you mean to or not. There are resources online and on youtube to help you spot red flags for abusers and narcissists if you want to search for them. I know it's not your fault that this is happening, but that doesn't mean it would hurt to know how to protect yourself and escape when it happens.
Just know that you’re never alone, keep holding onto yourself and everything that makes you special and eventually you will see the rainbow after the storm. And hey, all the better if you have a cute Golden Retriever to unapologetically shower you with love at any given moment
It's not about who you attract -- even women of below average attractiveness will attract every type of guy -- it's about who you choose. It's about what you're attracted to, not what they're attracted to. Literally women who are well below an average level of attractiveness can easily line a date up for every night of the week on some garbage dating app. That's not even an exaggeration. You're rejecting every other guy because they're not attractive to you. You're not susceptible to abusive men, you're repulsed or bored by the non-abusive ones and into the vortex of invisibility they go where they are never to be heard from ever again.
I'll admit, for a long time it could never click that "pretty women" could ever be lonely, given how our society functions. But when I compared it to the whole "wealthy men get all the female attention" stereotype, I realised that beauty for women is analogous to wealth for men. Wealthy men don't want to be treated like a free meal, just like beautiful women don't want to be treated like a sex doll, or a show piece. Society is so hyper focused on certain narrow aspects of our being, that if you are "pretty" or "wealthy", it overshadows everything else about you.
I'm at the point where i'm so lonely that it almost hurts physically. I have no friends to talk to, hang out with, play games with, etc. I already had bad mental issues before this happened, but this extreme loneliness has only made them 100 times worse. I'm already 32 going on 33 and I feel like the time I had to make friends is all but gone now... If you're a girl/woman/person/boy/man/whatever who also feels horribly alone, rarely leaves their house and has no friends like I do, just know that you aren't alone.
8:35 Absolutely. When the university hired me instead of one male applicant (who I knew personally, he was a good specialist), my parents told me to "be careful" around my boss. Because he might harass me. Five years later, nothing ever happened, but I still remember getting this response instead of being congratulated. It is a weird combination of attributing your own success to looks and still be very insecure about your appearance. Because duh, no woman is ever beautiful/thin/curvy enough
Nonsense, looks plays an integral part in success for both men and women, also finally your comment on "no woman is ever beautiful enough" is retarded, we have literally obese ugly women who make thousands on OnlyFans and statistics show that very unattractive women are more likely to get married and most likely to cheat. Your feelings is your own issue.
Sharing my experience It’s hard to me as a person who is empathetic in general to just talk with someone because I’m afraid with people that perceived me. I automatically acts hypervigilant and fake my expression and it’s tiring, drained me so much.
I can relate to this a lot, but my story has a twist. I had a glow up. I used to be very unattractive when I was younger, due to neglect from my parents and the fact that I have PCOS. My parents never taught me proper hygiene, how to take care of my appearance, no healthy habits when it came to food or exercise, never bought me nice clothes, etc. On top of that, I was obese for a long time and I had excessive hair growth on my body, some acne, my skin was a mess. Anyway, I grew up and I learned how to take care of myself, I lost all the extra weight, and I'm considered quite attractive now. What feels weird to me is that I somehow feel separated from the way I look. I mean, I do realize that I'm more attractive when I see myself in the mirror, but it doesn't match the feedback I receive. First, I don't see myself as attractive as other people tell me I am, as in, even strangers of the street, not just my friends who could coddle me. And second, because I was bullied about my appearance for years, I just learned to separate my sense of self from my appearance so insults wouldn't get to me. I'm just me, but in a more attractive body, and it usually takes me by surprise when someone comments on my appearance and then it leaves me numb because I've just learned to not care about it. I just don't identify with my exterior surface :)). I also never had a relationship, men used to be pretty repulsed by me for many years in the past and now they're only attracted to the way I look, which is boring to me. I'm way more interested in someone I can connect with, but I'm a bit of an introvert and also busy, so I don't get to meet a lot of people. Idk if any of this made sense, I'm honestly quite tired right now.
It is freaky how HARD I relate to this post 😳😳 except my parents weren’t neglectful, I just didn’t win the genetic lottery (acne issues persisting for years after puberty, a little chunky around the edges, slow lame hair growth, etc) , men treating me as ‘last pick’ or being ‘repulsed’ at mere jokes of dating me was a common experience in my formative years leading to a whole gamut of self-esteem issues that I’ve still had to manage as a grown adult. I too had a ‘glow-up’ later in life and experienced the same shit you’re going through. It’s a real catch-22 isn’t it? I wish I had advice on how to fix it, hopefully we’ll both find what we’re searching for.
@@elitenemysis6633 You know im being hyperbolic. Even so, many of us aren't. @Jack Mak is being all facetious suggesting that she's entirely to blame for her failed relationship, and the first comment has four times the likes and is childishly calling him an incel as if the entire video wasn't about understanding other people's loneliness. If this is the healthiest corner of the internet then we've still got a long ways to go.
Seeing a bunch of dudes minimize peoples comments on here…very disappointing. We very rarely get women focused content on this channel and they still made it about themselves.
@@SF-op5ix unfortunately that's true but I believe this video can help men too. At least after a certain stage where they are getting attention and validation for their external capabilities like money, status and wealth.
I just gotta say, I fcking love you, this chanel & the community within it. I'm not a gamer myself, but some of the best ppl I know, are. But more to the point, you are a breath of that crisp, fresh air, and thank fck theres actually a rarity that can think for themselves and see beyond the textbook, b&w basics. You touch on topics, certain views & intricacies, etc, that I've never heard being addressed by anyone else before.. So honestly, thank you 🙏 💓
I have to say that I have mad respect for her for putting this out there. It’s very helpful for people to come out with these experiences because they chip away at the societal beliefs that put people like her in these situations to begin with. Now we just need to work on our ability to listen to such stories. It really isn’t a competition of who suffers more, and stories like this prove that everyone has their own struggles. As someone who is male and not especially attractive, I could never know what it’s like to be the author of this post without her explaining it, and it would be easy without that explanation to assume her life is better than mine. The grass is always greener on the other side, or so it seems. And I’m sure it is better in many ways, but not in all ways. But even if you can’t wrap your head around how someone with something you don’t have can suffer, it’s really not hard to understand if you take the time to actually listen to what they have to say, without thinking up rebuttals and denials as they’re speaking.
My guy, you legit made me hope for humanity again. After seeing all the people missing the point I was deep in the depression hole but if some people get it, then I guess there's still a future for us a species. Thank you, and I hope whatever bullshit you're dealing with lets up.
@@bleachdiet559 But that's besides the point. We should acknowledge that people suffer and we should do what we can to improve, but who suffers more doesn't really matter when you consider the fact that everyone suffers in some way. I'm not denying that anyone suffers, I'm just saying it's not a good mindset to focus so much on comparisons.
I would love if Dr. K did a video exploring mental health with chronic pain. It's very rare that people with chronic pain are included in mental health discussions.
@Bukkie661's Twitch Archive. it cant be cured but im sure it could be helped somehow. to be clear i dont have chronic pain, so i cant relate and i dont want to sound like a dbag. but hope is really the only thing you can hold in a seemingly hopeless situation, key word there is seemingly, as youll never know what revelations in science can come up out of no where. also i wonder if any certain techniques like CBT (but not that one exactly) could help out the pain.
@Bukkie661's Twitch Archive. I think chronic pain SHOULD be included in the mental health discussion though. People with chronic mental illness also deal with pain that will never go away, and as someone with severe chronic depression, adhd, and anxiety (and a few others but you don't need the laundry list), it's often hard for me to explain to people that yes, I probably will be somewhat burnt out for the entirety of my life, I might always be slightly to severely fatigued, I will probably always deal with depressive episodes that vary in their ability to be managed, and meds cannot cure any of it. It can be hard for fully abled people to understand that my mental illness will always be a huge part of my life regardless of if I want it to be or not and I just have to accept that and deal with it. From what I understand, chronic pain can also be like that and so I feel like these should be shared discussions because we're in similar boats with some things. We should be going through this together rather than leaving you guys out completely because chronic pain can also have a huge effect on mental health and mental illness can have drastic effects on physical wellbeing.
Yeah some women are lonely because they’re attractive and are seen as objects, while some women are lonely because they’re not attractive and are barely treated like human beings. Both are bad and just highlight how people only care about women’s appearances.
I feel like for women you can't win regardless if you're considered attractive or not, you just have different problems. i.e. If you're attractive, people say you're taking advantage of simps. If you're not attractive, you're invisible and have no worth. Basically we don't get credit.
Do people really not think women can be lonely? What if you’re a woman who isn’t interested in dating but is struggling to find friends? What if you’re not conventionally attractive? What if it’s hard to find a guy who is kind and sees you as more than just your appearance? And dating someone to me personally wouldn’t solve any kind of loneliness. Friends are who I seek out when I’m lonely, not romantic relationships. To me friendships are more valuable than
Men see it the other way around i think, we can have friends and a good conection with them but that doesn't fill the need of being desired, many men haven't felt wanted in any way their entire lives and we can see that a lot of women, not all of them, are desired, the girl who's a little bit tall and lanky, the more chubby girl still finds a guy that is interested in her and so on. Meanwhile a lot of guys struggle to find anyone that is interested in them, they may have friends but no one wants them romantically.
"" What if you’re a woman who isn’t interested in dating but is struggling to find friends? What if you’re not conventionally attractive?"" That is called life. The idea alot of People have, Men and Women that eveyone can find someone is just nonesense and not based in reality at all. You cna be the best Person, if you are born in the "wrong" Area with the wrong People, you just had bad luck. There are many things that play a Role in things like that.
actually your answer to me makes me think women are way more priviliged. many girls say romantic relationships dont matter to them as much as friendship. and honestly thats cause any woman can have a relationship any second, choosin from 100s of guys. so men really are disposable objects here. when for men even getting any validation from female would mean the world to them.
Takeaways: → One feature doesn’t determines our worth or value. → Artificial relationships can lead you to dangerous paths. → If your struggling, its not entirely your fault, its also a combination of environmental factors. → Don’t judge others because you were judged by others without empathy. → Who you are is not determined by how you are treated. → Methods: spend time with yourself and reach out to others in an authentic way.
Dont judge others because you were judged by others without empathy -- In my case, i didnt, until people start to feel entitled for my empathy while they dont. My superior - whom i used to have good relationship has a view that, if you're their friend, then they can use you and be complaining all day, and accept them the way they were bcs they cant change and cant help themselves about that. I was all good and understand that. I accepted listening all day for thair rant and got nothing of my job done bcs they also technically my boss. Until one day, the another person was appointed as supervisor, and this person was treated so well and got a lot of pity that i suddenly realised, heyyyy did you have double standard?? It is okay for you to treat me this way, and this person not? And when i always being compassionste at the point that i had to sacrifice myself for this job, and i was tired and want this person to take on their job to be responsible for their own team instead of my team had to be responsible on THEIR TASKS, my boss blamed me for not being compassionstr and should treat them nice bcs their job was hard to begin with.
I was like, wait a sec, didnt my team had done even more than what they are supposed to do? And hey, look, did the other team even did the basic things of having the lists right and making real contribution instead of just forwarding other people's answers to our assessment? (The other team supposed to be the coordinator with same basic assessment and planning skiils as my team). And besides, if the job is inhumane THEN IT IS SOMETHING BOSSES SHOULD SOLVE WITH THE DECISION MAKERS, RIGHT? INSTEAD OF SHOVING IT TO THEIR SUBORDINATE?? It's like i've been running 200% and there are this other team that is running 80-90% and i have to be compassionate to them and instead of training this people to be able to run on 100%, i got scolded for even asking for a 100% effort from them WHILE COVERING THEIR LACKINGS AND EVEN TAUGHT THEM HOW TO DO IT, WHICH THEY IGNORE BCS STRUCTURALLY, I WAS NOT THEIR DIRECT SUPERIOR.
isnt it "refreshing" to hear story from the opposite sex? im glad this person post her story on reddit. sometimes, we dwell too much in our bubble that we forget how the other sexes, genders, races feel.
I think it's informative. We often hear a lot of men projecting weird ideas onto women, but rarely do we actually hear women's voices in society. It's a kind of reality check.
I think things like this are a wake up call that life isn't so simple. Because what a person does not understand becomes easy prey to bias and it can seem like they understand it very well. It seems to me that oversimplification of the lives of women is part of what makes incels. Everyone needs to share their stories for a broad understanding to even be possible, if not everyone does, the extrapolation is just a poor substitute that creates all sorts of problems.
I actually had chills during this video, this is the best example of how the cycle of pain is passed around. The effort to understand one another no matter the circumstance is EVERYTHING.
@@mongrel1137 Do you speak to actual women? Female friends or connections of any kind. Stop taking your world view from Twitter and Reddit please, for the benefit of everyone.
@@Balloonbot what does that even have to do with my comment? it's a fact that women don't care for men's issues at a global scale, but they also don't care about the issues and feelings of the men in their lives
Being attractive often makes me feel devalued, like you could replace me with any other pretty face. I can always tell when a man is with me exclusively because I'm attractive, I throw up my shields immediately. It makes it hard to make genuine connections, like nobody actually cares about me and I could be replaced with somebody else in an instant
I felt the same with some women, I get it. I had sex allot on the 1st time meeting some women but some really started demanding for me getting into something serious from the bat, we hardly knew eachother. I used to feel guilty when I was younger but now I noticed thats simply another form of manipulation. I was raised a christian so I always felt bad for engaging in sex while I never forced any of these women. It sure is a thing, if you are deemed attractive people will simply want something for their own benefit in how it suits their perception. I see people who might be deemed less attractive and you know those people are in the relationship for more then just looks. Still due to biology I think its only logical men are focussed allot more on visual attractiveness as how the brain works and due some evolutionary aspects I could list if you want. Best way to do it is to postpone sex and build other ways of emotional connection first but in this modern age we all know how things goes. Hence the reason men are avoiding western women in general when it comes to long term relationships.
U need to have in mind that everyone first impretions is all about looks if u are ugly u recive bad treatments if u are pretty u recive a special treat, now the thing is almost every time we hook up with someone is because of how he or she looks u cant lie, when u choose a guy to be with him u first see how he looks and then u choose if dating with him or not, so knowing this is a little hypocrite to say that, cuz knowing someone and his personality in 100% takes at least 6-3 months so its obvious that always in the beggining guys are going to be with you by how you look and the same applies to women a lot more.
Also its pretty easy to feel better being a good looking person if u feel bad just hang out to any social place or any chat online and people will be always nice to you and will care about you, and a lot more if u are a woman, thats not the same about a men, if u are ugly and u tell a woman how you feel she will tell you empty world for pity, they will ignore you or simply be rude, i am not mid looking but i am not a 10/10 but this is how the world works.
Also its pretty easy to feel better being a good looking person if u feel bad just hang out to any social place or any chat online and people will be always nice to you and will care about you, and a lot more if u are a woman, thats not the same about a men, if u are ugly and u tell a woman how you feel she will tell you empty world for pity, they will ignore you or simply be rude, i am not mid looking but i am not a 10/10 but this is how the world works.
because the amount of women that have this sort of problem are massively outnumbered by young men who cant get a date to save their lives. It's a real shame. This girl has serious issues that need therapy. She needs to resolve her baggage. Best thing she could do is seek therapy and take up social dancing. She needs some sophistication in her life to help build some real self value outside of her looks.
@@polishpimp4233 If I literally had to get a date to save my life, I'd probably find a way lol. I'd go up to girls and will be like, look, I am not looking for sex. It's just that if I don't get a date, I will literally die, so I need your help and I will do anything for you - treat you the way you want - anything, as long as you will be my date so that I don't die.
@@tostitosfritos1748 I think it's just that humans in general spend most of their time prioritizing their own needs. Like you don't go to a grocery store to try and help other people do their own shopping. You're there to figure out what you want and expect others to figure out what they want.
the thing with the ''ability to always find someone to have sex with you'' isn't that hookups are shallow or not enough to some women. What it really is isn't being in the moment with someone but letting some random person use your body as a toy.
Yeah. Someone said that when you have sex with someone who doesn't respect you, you lose a piece of yourself. It isn't enough and for a lot of people is far worse than just being alone.
@@dddragonflyy to add onto this, there's people who genuinely can't enjoy sex unless there's emotional connection. So hookups/one night stands are not an option for those
Right but the vast majority of the attention from men is men wanting a relationship or a partner, not guys who want to start putting their coat on as soon as they ejaculate. Don't get me wrong their are guys out there who just want a booty call, however the majority of men, especially those on nerdy hobby's want a relationship
@@kyzantia8884 if you can’t see the person, you don’t want a relationship. You want a status symbol, a toy you can show off, have s3x with, and you believe will build up your fragile ego… might as well be a fancy car with a fl3shlight
@@kyzantia8884 it's not just about sex, a lot of those men want "some girl" - the only requirement is that she's attractive enough. They don't value the women they hit on as people to connect with, they just see them as "attractive enough" to fill the role of their girlfriend and potentially available. A lot of time when men hit on you, you're painfully aware that they don't find anything particularly interesting about you, they just want SOME girlfriend, and if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.
Female loneliness is just not discussed enough. I really want to see them explored more to open people's minds. I've seen some "nice guys" comments below and i'm baffled with the things they say. I know that not every man is like this, but so many people i've seen irl are like that and it's one of the reason why i'm afraid of interacting with half of the population. I'm extremely introverted and not exactly socially equipped to deal with situations where i could be disregarded just because i'm female.
I seriously never saw a convo like this until now. Any discussion surrounding loneliness is either gender neutral or only really about men, but I think female loneliness is a little different from men's loneliness. While the op commenter was attractive, I think many women could relate to some parts of her story.
@@yaeli_i_guess Women experience depression more often but men kill themselves because of it more often and that is why. I am not trying to invalidate women's depression but that is why it happens. There are more men at the extremes of happiness. So while women may be depressed at higher rates they are less likely to be depressed to the point of suicide. Women are twice as likely to be depressed but men are four times as likely to commit suicide. I hope that both genders can find happiness though. Neither one should invalidate the sadness of the other because of their own.
I can also feel for you. Most men think women cannot be lonely because they see it as much easier for you to get attention from the opposite gender however attention does not mean you will not be lonely. I get a lot of attention from older women(old enough to be my mother usually) that I am not interested in as well so I can relate in that regard. I am personally also very introverted and hate being disregarded and though of as a monster for being male so I empathize even though I cannot fully understand your side of the struggle. I hope that you find happiness in the future but remember that you can't find a man that will accept you if you are not willing to accept them just as we cannot find someone that will accept us if we cannot accept you. I have a strong fear of women but I know I must overcome it and give them a chance to be able to find love for myself.
@@Justsomenerd69 but women attempt suicide at the same rates as men, they just use less violent means so they're less successful. it's not that their depression is less severe than mens'.
Im an ugly woman who is used to being a loner but lowkey feels lonely. It hurts so much realizing that people only talked to me because they felt pity to me. I am that weird,quiet and loner kid in high school. It makes me feel like a loser since the women around me were never lonely (basically the every popular girls in highschool) so now i dont know what to do. I know people dont wanna be near me or even talk to me geniunely. I know its weird to say this but im actually nice to people when they talk to me,its just that im socially awkward so im sure that made people cringe and not talk to me anymore. Kinda glad i see lonely women finally talk about this because i relate so much.
me too. I'm nice to them but i have social anxiety. I'm awkward to people. maybe that's why they don't want me or not interested to be friends with me. It's horrible experience esp when people think you this way. you try your best to interact but people still think your weird or say why your quiet even you try. Its damage my confidence everytime when they say why your quiet? They don't try to even speak to me first, and that's the first time they'll ask to me. I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. maybe because they want to kill my confidence slowly. It's really horrible when people always ask you why your quiet, when they don't even talk to you, don't know you or try to talk to you. sometimes you try to talk to them but they ignore you. And keep asking why your quiet? for me this was a really rude question. It's embarrassing because some people even hear them asking you this. And sometimes i think, maybe thats how people first look at me at first so they assume im quiet even i tried to talk. It's really hard
Now imagine that being weird, quiet loner was a valid excuse to beat the ever living s**t out of you. I remember one guy that cried saying he "didn't know how to fight" and the girls marveling after about "how much blood" there was.
@@NebulaSon bc i actually am. So there's something wrong with being self aware that you are nice to ppl in these days? Im pretty sure understanding and appreciating people is being nice. People had been mean to me but ive never given them the same energy. Isnt that being nice? Stop being on reddit so much
Honestly, as a guy, I've thought that being pretty makes stuff easier for women. But like...there's downsides to it. A lot of downsides, especially if you're pretty and innocent. So many dudes mess up pretty women, and so many guys just value them for their looks. It's kind of like going on a date with a girl, after dressing up, looking great, and then slowly realizing she doesn't like you. She liked the idea of you, your appearance and all, but never the actual person you are. It sucks for women, because while guys are invisible for their 20s, women are only visible in their 20s because of their bodies. The real them, their personalities, are invisible to a world that does not care. I guess one reason why mean always bring up the "but she gets a lot of sexual attention" thing is that guys just get none of that. Like none of that at all. If you're the average lonely man, you're not getting any sexual gratification. If you're the average lonely woman, there's probably a few guys trying to chase tail. But what dudes forget is that (for most people) once a person gets anything often, it loses a lot of value. It's why sexual attention for women is often a nuisance, while for men it is gold.
It's also the fact that, in general, men hold sex to a WAY higher standard than women do. For a lot of men, sex is THE ultimate goal, whereas for a lot of women, an emotional connection is.
Honestly, thank you so much for trying to understand women’s perspective on this game that is dating, it’s truly exhausting. I really wished men didn’t put such an importance on sex, specially with women they don’t have an emotional connection with such as strangers and women they just met…
I feel so validated by literally everything you said. For me my best friend lowkey abandoned me at my lowest because of her expectations of me as an attractive man . I wasn’t accomplishing things at the same rate as her or my peers. I noticed how my emotions got put on the back burner, how my issues were not addressed or explored, and comments that were made to belittle me or compare me to what im not or didn’t do yet. I can’t look at friendships in the same way, hearing her minimize and blame me for a failing relationship with my ex and with her as a friend. She didn’t even let me speak during our last conversation where she officially broke off our friendship. I saw the attention I got from women in a different way, in the same way as OP I couldn’t create platonic relationships with women ( and men( except for 1 )) because sex was always the expected response from me as a Man . I am ignored as a person with emotional needs because society sees me as a man.. its gotten to the point where I want to go by they/them pronouns because I feel like I run into the same prompts from people I just want a deeper connection with. This experience genuinely changed my libido as well as my views on sex/sexuality. I don’t know what I have to be to make friends again
I really like this post because far too often I see callous or dehumanizing generalized views on attractive people that paints them as some kind of alien species devoid of human experience. This couldn't be further from the truth. That very view IS one of the things they struggle with! This post shows so much humanity and is easy to empathize and relate to. I love seeing the deeper side of people. I know everyone has a deeper side no matter what categories or boxes we try to put them in.
@@bike4aday It's hard for me to understand how would attractive people even suffer in their lives when they have everything in life and more. Praise, love, validation, encouragement, relationships, wealth and bountiful DMs everyday? Most people would do just about everything to experience even a second of that!
@@AnimeArchaeologist what you said about love and relationships I'd false. What this woman was saying, was that men would only want her for her beauty and not want a deeper , human connection. Also usually people think pretty=popular, meaning that they assume because you're pretty, you already have friends. She eventually starts to believe that the only way to make relationships, is through her body.
Most of the women I have dated were very lonely, isolated people. I kind of am too, so it's partially how we bonded. Unfortunately, my social issues make it difficult to hold a relationship. I just simply cannot spend hours a day around someone, I just can't (I figure ppl will just assume I'm a terrible human due to my failed relationships, so ancillary context was needed). Setting my story aside, Being with women like this and especially due to their being sexually desirable I got to understand the phenomenon in a way incels and others among the "lonely male community" don't get. They are sad, they are isolated, and the fact that most people see them as nothing more than the "hot, quirky, nerdy girl" that gets objectified and put on a pedestal compounds the isolation. No one wants to be objectified, and for dudes that wish they were are suffering the "grass is greener" problem. Men's and women's issues are unique, but we suffer nonetheless for our own reasons. I truly wish each side of the isle on the gender war would just listen to each other, but it's never going to happen so long as we envy the other. Women think men are all happy go lucky on top of the world cuz they look up at men like Trump or Bezos, and assume that's the male experience. Men look up at the most beautiful women and the power they have with their bodies, the numerous men that dote on and compete for them and assume that's some desirable experience. We've all been fooled by our own biases.
i dont know mn , they seem pretty happy on social media , plus i thought that female comardeire thing applied there, people have explained that its a myth but i dont get it , people claim its not and women are so happy so i dont get it
@@urevya Actually, he made an interesting point. I think these woman conflate loneliness with being objectified, which I must say, does not sound like a joyfull experience, in fact we know objectification leads to a type of isolation. And isolation can feel like loneliness, so its not loneliness perse but more a type of isolation an reduction in self word do to being objectified. Woman may have it easier but at the end of the day, being proud of what you can earn as a man, what you can do and provide and your own competence, is much easier than being roud of something that you were born with and did not in fact earn.
I have no experience talking to girls about stuff like this but what you're saying sounds like what I think is the way it is, you definitely put it well in the last paragraph.
Therapist, they are there for a reason, or talk with random people with similar problems, i bet the dude in question was a hot dude that didnt care for you right? Thought so!
Sorry about that. If you can, find a therapist. Opening up is pretty risky especially to people who don't understand mental issues. Their responses can really hurt you☹️
@Mpj Mpj 0 compasion for women, they out here ruining mens lifes left and right for the sake of it, dont care what she went threw, and neither shoudl you
The comment about "failing on life on easy mode" was something i have never considered before with how crushing that would be. This helps me empathize more than anything i have ever seen about women have a hard time. Thank you for that Excellent video by the way
I'd imagine that being considered conventionally attractive would make it harder to find love in some ways. Plenty of people will want you, but only because you are physically attractive and nothing more. I'd imagine it's a learning curve to decipher who loves you for you, and who wants you just because you are hot. Also, generally being seen as a sex object and a lot of people not really caring about who you are as a person sounds depressing af.
cmon, that's like saying "its harder to be happy when you are rich" Yes attractive people have receive lots and lots of attention from people who only care about them because of their looks, however unattractive people don't get any attention.
@@kyzantia8884 just bc unattractive ppl receive less attention doesn’t mean attractive people can’t be upset that most of the attention they receive are from users… a real comparison is a rich man wanting to find true love but most women he comes in contact with just wants to use him for his money and trap him… that’s a very difficult and potentially depressing position to be in. stop viewing life as the struggle Olympics and just learn empathy and let go of self pity…. Attention isn’t as valuable as people want to make it seem. You should be focusing on how much attention you give your body and your spirit. This is the real world… being an adult… you shouldn’t be craving attention and crying when you don’t get it. Heal your inner child bc no one owes you attention… it’s like being a celebrity and paparazzi follows you everywhere… it seems glamorous but when you don’t have any privacy and just want to shop or go to the beach but you have cameras and fans following all the time…. It’s draining and dehumanizing… quit the grass is greener perspective. Seriously let it go and get real. Unattractive women get this but most men seem to struggle with not comparing their experiences to women on a strange level. You want ppl to be empathetic to you but don’t even offer it yourself… a lot of men have that issue. Both sexes and sides of the attractiveness spectrum’s experiences are valid…
@@kyzantia8884 trust me it just gives you a shallowest sense of validation. And clouds your judgement to not seek meaningful connections. That you have to grow out of eventually. But I would say maybe being attractive can bring you more experience. That a person not conventionaly attractive would have to work hard to get. And that is not fair as well.
The first few seconds kinda reminded me of the disadvantages of being a gifted kid that Dr. K has talked about before, where getting praised for your gifts rather than your hard work causes you to value your 'gifts' over hard work and ultimately get behind in life when you feel like you're entitled to success with no uncomfortable struggles and failures. Not sure if it quite applies the same way here haha
I think that you brought up a really good point! I feel like it ties into what Dr K said about feeling like you're ugly on the inside and that only the outside is what's beautiful about you. It creates this notion that your whole self worth depends on your attractiveness and not what you can actually give to other people as a human being. So it kind of alienates you from yourself since in your head you feel like you have nothing to give to other people other than your looks (hence feeling lonely because you can't genuinely connect with other people).
I think it does, both scenarios invalidate someone in some way, for attractiveness we tend to invalidate their problems and mainly praise their attractiveness, ignoring their personality and other traits. For being gifted we put expectations on them that they shouldn't have problems or if they do they can solve it rather quickly because they are gifted, when they do something amazing it's easy to attribute all that to their gift rather than the hours they spent training and working hard to achieve it.
I think the important thing to remember is that you won’t know for sure what the reason is: gifts or true qualities until you actually open your mouth and ask people. We can get stuck in our own heads too easily and assume one thing is the case when it might not be.
People who downplay others suffering only give clues to their mindset and the people who see others as the source of their suffering also do the same. As a person who suffers from anxiety and depression for a long time I came to understand that my mindset and habits were reinforcing my view of the world, like a conspiracy theorist who can't stop seeing patterns everywhere. I know it's hard for those who suffered trauma in the past to take risk and expose themselves to failure but sometimes you have to go through hell to make it to heaven. The longer you go isolating yourself, the more your social skills decay, which will make reintegrating socially more difficult. Take it one step at a time. Little by little build habits that will force you to be more social. The world is, what you think it is
Men and women are doing it to eachother. Some men can make women feel unsafe but then those women don't give any men a chance as a result and then everyone ends up lonely.
@@Failzz8 It's not just "tinder" it's megacorporations utilizing psychology in order to prey on consumers and bend them into the most profitable circumstance. Single people pay more taxes, accumulate more debt, and spend on more products they think will get them further in life or maybe more matches or more happiness. People who are depressed might buy more alcohol, might purchase more cigarretes. A car being crashed gets people to buy another car, sales sales sales. The same people have held power for years.
I feel for this women, this loneliness has nothing to do with gender, it can be so crippling and I hope that she did find a community she can belong to and be herself. This generalization of attractive people being social, and having an easy life is wrong.
Man tells opposite gender their loneliness can be in no way related to their gender even whilst gender-specific aspects of loneliness are discussed in hundreds of comments🤦♀️
Loneliness does have to do with gender, because women ( and sometimes men) are often rejected based on sexist standards. E.g. if you don't shave your legs as a woman, you are very likely to get rejected by men. Loneliness is also associated with gender in other ways: e.g., not fitting in with girl groups because you do not adhere to expectations of femininity. And you can even feel lonely in relationships, because your male partner migth be thinking of you as an object or fantasy, as opposed to a real person.
jesus christ, it feels like I ghost wrote that reddit post....I also have trouble making friends, falling in love and keeping relationships. I often feel misunderstood. Damn....I also cant connect with people online....It makes me sad how many of us go through this 😢
Same. It’s weird how we are “connected” but we aren’t exactly connecting. Reason why I deleted all of my social media accounts. It is pointless. I rather communicate verbally, it’s an effective way of truly getting that connection you deserve. Is it easy thou? Hell no.
Its exactly how I feel, i had a friend, my best friend, i connected so well with her, but she betrayed me. I've been trying to have more friends, I have a few, but i dont connect with them, I like them they are fun and everything, but I don't feel connected with them. I thought it was dumb, and that I just have to ignore that feeling but I can't, and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I'm ugly and lonely. I wish I was pretty and lonely. Atleast then I wouldn't be treated like radioactive object. Life as a pretty person is hard, but you don't really have to deal with the discriminations that comes with being an ugly woman. If your value as a woman is placed only on your looks, what value do ugly women have?
i get why you are saying this, this whole video is based around a post online about someone struggling after all, but you aren’t contributing anything to the conversation. even though i haven’t experienced what you have, and therefore i don’t truly understand it, i do know what you’re going through, and the fact that you’re struggling in a certain way or for a certain reason doesn’t mean others can’t struggle similarly but because of different factors. the fact that you suffer because you are lonely and ugly doesn’t mean that other people can’t suffer because they’re lonely and attractive, you’re just invalidating their experience and assuming that because they have what you think is the solution to your problems they are incapable of suffering they way you do (which, to be honest, is kind of true. they don’t suffer exactly the way you do, they suffer in a different way, and trying to compare it just makes it worst for both sides because invalidating someone else’s feelings and experiences doesn’t solve anything for anyone), and this is all stuff discussed in the video.
I am lonely, and I crave so much for physical touch. Not necessarily in a sexual way, just between two people who trust and like/love each other. Sometimes this lack of touch hurts physically.
try to give love to your self and the rest will come as u deserve it. in how you are as a person i used to be in the same position but when the right people were put in my life i didnt knew how to take care of those relationships is just not about craving you are just being selfish, but its like are you ready for those types of relationships? or you just want them to fill that emptiness on you because they cant you are the only one that can do that
"You have to open yourself up to rejection if you want to be accepted." Facts. I'm not a lonely attractive woman but there was a lot of good info from this and I appreciate the perspective. Another great line that stuck out to me was at the end, Dr K says he defaults to support mode instead of advice mode. I want to improve at that, because I ALWAYS do the opposite of Dr K, and I annoy people with my unsolicited advice who were just venting.
In my situation, I feel that offering a support doesn’t feel genuine because the people I interact with the offers me support(I can’t remember those people) isn’t enough for me. Question: Does offering support means the way you connect with people while they’re rewiring their issue then they feel okay again? I didn’t have this kind of feeling(or as far as I can remember in my life)
Minus the "above average attractive" part, I totally feel this woman. When you say that you don't have friends boys tend to disbelieve you and think you're being over dramatic. I don't have any friends and I'm incredibly introverted. I think this woman needs female friends. Keep searching my sisters!
@@ifirespondiamstupid7750 A lot of the time women who have had bad experiences with men don't trust them. They might think "He's only hanging ou with me because he wants to sleep witj me" and that's not them flattering themselves, that's a fear they have. With female friends, that's not something women have to worry about.
@@ifirespondiamstupid7750 Actually, I would disagree, being a pick me girls is worse. In a lot of cases pick me girls who don't like women rarely actually having trauma with women. When a woman has all female friends/avoids men, the case is often her having trauma from men. I think pick me girls are often sexist and judgemental of other women, when women who have trauma of men are just scared. True, both are not good, but having trauma isn't your fault, being a sexist is.
@@Cello10131 Im not? Infact thats precisely what im saying not to do. Look at this comment section full of peeps comparing and devalueing others hardship. Dont even gotta scroll far.
@@TheBeastInBlack I prooobably would discredit this one... one situation: a person says to empty space "Im lonely I want to kms" other situation: a person says to OTHER PERSON. FAMILIAR PERSON, NOT AN ALIEN. MAYBE NOT EVEN ONE PERSON. SHE SAYS: OMG I SO LONELYYYYY WHY CANT I FIND THE RIGHT ONEEE 😭. AND THEY ARE FUCKING REPLYING "girl this is so saaaad, lets drink and fun together". Na-ah, I just can't put it in the one line, girls take it easier
@@TheBeastInBlackIt can always be worse. Best to not focus on other people's lives and stick to your own. Especially online where nothing is real and the points don't matter.
This reminds me of “Komi Can't Communicate”. It's an anime about a girl that has breathtaking looks and incredible academic skills, but has insane social anxiety and as a result is incredibly lonely. It's really heartwarming (and kind of educational) to see her make friends and slowly open up to people as the show progresses.
@@pamperedmaster8690 what makes him different from everyone else? To me he always seemed like a self insert character which u have to admit he kinda is. Yes its so realistic that a guy just comes and saves you from being lonely and helps u overcome ur anxiety and helps u make friends/s. Wouldnt that just be lovely. But lets be fr in real life most people with extreme SA are overlooked and go on through life alone. Ur attractiveness plays a big part in how ur social anxiety is perceived by others.
@@cynthiavasquez4010 Tadano is shy and awkward and perhaps “average” but he does have tremendous empathy - whenever Komi goes mega-awkward/nervous, Tadano is usually the first one to sort it out and be selflessly helpful - and he was always happy to be Komi’s genuine friend. It’s impossible to know, but I can imagine Tadano becoming a equally genuine friend to a non-beautiful version of Komi.
@@warrenfygp5326 yeah but my point was that he wouldnt notice her in the first place if she wasnt hot and sexy but also not too intimidating for him to approach her. He was like "omg i sitting next to the prettiest girl in school and she looked at me." Anyway i also personally dont like the fact the show is in tadanos pov and not komis. She shouldve been the main character imo shes a queen. Edit: also i forgot they end up together!!! Its all just a nice guy fantasy
As a young woman I used to be above average as well. But I had terrible childhood with physically abusive father and emotionally abusive mother and bullies at school. I was deeply depressed and at times even suicidal. At the same time I was pretty good at faking being fun and easygoing. My first psychiatrist, a middle-aged man, asked "how such a pretty girl can have such issues?" Like being pretty has something to do with the fact that my father is a psychopath and my mom is processing me mentally not to act against my situation because it would embarrass her. I was raised believing I'm worthless and should be ashamed by my situation. I had no social skills how to have close relationship, and 20 years later I still have those issues. Fortunately I'm not young and pretty anymore, now I can be old, fat, sad and lonely without my emotions and experiences being cancelled by shallow individuals.
The idea that such a dismissing, biased comment would come from a mental health professional of all people is disgusting. And I feel for you on all other aspects of your story. I know words like that can sound empty but still, there isn't much a stranger on the internet can do so I'm really wishing you the best.
My mother had to endure unspeakable trauma in her life, from unfortunate childhood experiences to things no one should ever experience. Yet, for some stupid, shallow reason, she was shamed for her trauma because she was a woman? She was quite a looker back then, but that should never discount the pain she had endured. Though your experiences are different, I can't help but connect you to my mother in terms of being dismissed. I'd fight all the shallow people who would dare belittle your pain.
I am not sure that it's strictly better to now be old and ugly while retaining the exact same problems. I am certain you're being sarcastic, but still, it's a sad sentence.
People usually say that if you tell others you're lonely and struggle, you'll be off putting to them because of the cynicism. But to me, because of how relatable it is, I would never dismiss a person as a potential friend because of it, my first instinct would be a desire to help actually, because I can feel what they're dealing with when they say this, and tyou shouldn't be dismissed for being honest about your struggle.
Maybe, for the first few. Then when you discover everyone struggles, you will run out of energy to help other people, and someone will get turned away, and that someone will learn that sharing negative things is exhausting for other people to hear so they have to bottle it up to appear presentable. Nobody wants to be a therapist all the time.
@@ordinarytree4678 I'm not advocating for anyone to be a 247 therapist. You have no obligation to and personally I prefer helping my friends out but I limit the amount of people I invest in so it doesn't get exhausting.
My parents really never showed emotion or vulnerability growing up and my siblings and I were shamed whenever we did. Fast forward I’m 20 and my biggest struggle is connecting to others. I don’t know how to process emotion or to show them bc it’s unfamiliar to me. I’ve always thought it was admirable to be unchanged it made me feel safe? But now I don’t know how to open up idk how to have casual conversations or to even just talk about myself. I feel like being quiet and going through the motions is all I’ve ever done. I’m working on myself tho and I’m getting okay at faking it but I want genuine connection but I never feel safe enough to be honest in my fear of rejection. I’ll potentially update y’all after 1 year of actively trying. Wish me luck🍀
Luck is wished. Congratulations on actively trying to solve your problems. Even if you don't know how to go about it, recognising that you have an issue and consciously trying to solve it is already a major achievement! Not to say you should stop there though. Wishing you all the best!! Edit: If you haven't already or are looking for where to start, Learning about attachment theory might be a good place to start (Thais Gibson and Heidi Prieb are well informed and really good at explaining it). Sounds like you're facing DA problems. Learning about it was a major breakthrough for me as I struggled with some of what you mentioned about never really showing emotion or vulnerability. I hope this helps you too 😇 Once more, all the best m8
Tho my case wasn’t that extreme my parents didn’t shame me per day but they would freak out or not have the capacity to handle big emotions. My brother during his youth had extreme mood swings and he would get severely punished if he lashed out too much tho. Luckily my parents never shamed him for crying tho i felt I had to be the strong one and not ever cry or show weakness bc I thought they dealt with it enough with my brother. Unfortunately the consequences of that is now that I’m over 30 I struggle dealing with my emotions and I feel like I’ve become even. More emotional unstable over the years but im working hard on it. Improvements are minimum but perhaps in another 20 years if I work at it I’ll finally be mature at the right age lol
when she said „It‘s like I don‘t even exist“, I felt that. I hope she will be seen for the person she is. I think you need a lot of honesty, reflection, and even strength to tell your story like that.
im a south korean guy in a predominantly white country and i feel pretty similar. all the people who have ever shown interest in me did so solely because of my race. after this happened 3 or four times ive had to begin vetting peoples favourite songs, shows, and graphic novels for anything korean. ive been conditioned to cringe at the sight of anything that connects me to my culture. worse than when korean culture wasnt as big and i would get bullied for the food i brought to school and the haircuts my mum would give me.
Why are you uncomfortable with being connected to your culture? Or seeing other people enjoy aspects of it? Genuinely curious--I can understand the fetishization to a degree but for me, that's different from someone who has a genuine interest in things of my culture. I'd rather that then a racist or someone who's not open to other cultures at all..
With the virality of Korean culture right now, I get what you mean. I hope you find people who really see your personality and not your race, man. Also, the haircut thing hahah I'm also Asian so I relate a lot to the short bob hairstyle every Asian kid had 😂
“Who you are is not determined by how you’re treated” is such a big takeaway
Imagine explaining this to the entirety of your surroundings. We are still living in a society after all.
Not true
I'm sorry but even though it's true it still contributes to an array of mental illnesses. Especially when you've been treated so poorly that you start to believe what they think about yourself (and actually change for the worse).
There is a way to make them understand, fucking say something.
Pretty shit takeaway imo since so much of who you 'get to be' is heavily determined by whatever fuckups your parents and family did to you and those problems only get worse as you become more insecure and dependent on validation since you never got any from the people that 'formed' you.
@@zad0k91 ratio
Because of how women are treated in the world, I always make it a point to compliment their personality. I feel like they don't get it enough. Exact opposite for dudes, I tell them how good they look all the time. Because they DEFINITELY don't get it enough
I can't stress enough how awesome your comment is!
That's amazing
Doing god's work man
I go one step above. Appreciate both things in both sexes
Yes. I also think of it as, women are already desired enough and they know it, they want to feel needed (for reasons other than sex). Men already know they are needed in society, they want to feel desired too.
Can we talk about the female loneliness where you are not considered attractive so people only like you for the things you do for them? In order to feel loved you have to become the caregiver for everyone and everyone just views you as a caregiver robot and not a human. You're somehow responsible for everyones problems but you deal with yours completely alone. Even when you ask for help, people look at you puzzled as if its out of your place to even think you deserve help. I cant stand when i hear people say "women dont know loneliness". Lol people dont even view me as a human most of the time. Im literally a just robot thats expected to do all the work and never speak
Bruh that is so me
Ladies good diet and exercise routine anyone can become attractive
same
@@mrdee2454 lmaooo, yeah thats TOTALLY what she was talking about.
This. Especially if you are from a low income family with no education and you are seen as the parent of the family. You look around and get to see what you don't have and that is really sad to me.
I try to explain to people, “Guys like the idea of me. But they don’t actually like me.” And it doesn’t hold up with people. So I feel more isolated. I’m to the point like yeah love exist, but not for me. I rather be alone blissfully loving myself than morph to a hollow gf.
Well you should never be around someone that influences you into being like them. I don't know what that means, but just imagine if someone your age is talking to you, and you randomly imagine being happy and doing things around them. That's sometimes what I feel like.
@connergalles7106 No. I work at a stadium, and I take care of my hygiene and dress presentable. Narturely, people gravitate to me. These are the people I'm surrounded by condition. So when I'm asked out multiple times by different people, it comes to question why I say "no thank you." Guys, see, I'm unattendable. The chase is more intriguing for them. But I was just there for my paycheck.
@@vanessamayorga7780 Well from my experience I go to see Nature and lots of different places usually. Sometimes there will be a girl I talk to because there is something that you would like, like their dog or a bird or something cool. Sometimes they stare at me if they are my age and it makes me Nervous... I actually don't work yet because of my Dad and wanting me to get jobs at certain places. I know working in a Stadium is definitely a little overwhelming for certain people, but I don't know if you have anywhere to vent that anxiety (that's a rude thing to say, maybe just someone to always give you reassurance.)
Honestly, I feel like a lot of women go through this experience because men see us as fantasies.
I get that, people see me and think I'm physically attractive, but once they get to know me they want me to be less talkative and think like them.
I'm an ugly woman. I had an ok looking face until a drunk man attacked me and broke my nose so bad that my face is permanently disfigured. Men treat me like dirt just for daring to exist in their presence. It's such a depressing existence but it's interesting to know that the grass isn't much greener on the other side
Average looking man here.
I feel sorry for your situation,definetly feel bad and I wish you luck.
Im 19 and never had a girlfriend,a have no friends and only faced rejection my whole life and thats fine.
You might think that its better over here when no one wants you until you have to change everything about youself but the reality is disappointing.
Loneliness is heavy regardless of gender or age,but at least you filter people who only wanted to be with your for your body/face instead of wanting you for who you are as a person.
Better be alone than having bad company 👍 keep your head up
Wtf. Nooo way, I'm so sorry that happened to you
Im sorry that happened. Karma is real and he’ll get what’s coming for him. Sending a hug
I feel so sorry for you.
The grass is not sure greener the other side. Time passes, hope it affects your life less and less
It genuinely sucks being an attractive woman who is interested in nerdy/male dominated hobbies. A few years back I was incredibly lonely and had no friends at all. So, I'd go to meetups involving things I liked like anime, video games and motorcycles and stuff. The moment I'd set foot in one of these spaces I'd get swarmed by guys being extra friendly to me. At first I just thought they were being extra welcoming to the shy new girl, but one by one they would start making moves on me. When I couldn't reciprocate they'd drop me like I was absolutely nothing. The only people who would bother with me were people who thought they could get sex out of me. A lot of my friends from back in those days were people I dated or had sex with. I learned that the only way I can get people to like me was through my body. That's an incredibly disempowering and damaging mental process to develop when you already have really terrible self worth issues. Your body becomes a tool for satisfying others, not even really your own.
It really sucks that guys get like that, because it really diminishes our community as a whole. Conversations become far more interesting when genuine female perspective is involved, and I've learned a lot about things I've missed in shows/games because I've just not been in tune with them.
I once told my wife that one of the greatest parts of being married is the ability to talk to women. For various reasons I can come off as creepy, but the ring seems to make women generally more at ease with me and we can interact as regular humans. I also feel more at ease, like I don't often think "I hope she doesn't think I'm making moves at her, I'm legitimately just talking to pass the time." With that though, I'm slowly learning how rough it is to be a woman in these spaces. Like sometimes it comes off as legitimately terrifying.
100% when I was in a community for gaming, all the guys would basically take turns crushing on the other girls and when we rejected it (albeit nicely) we were immediately ignored and thrown away and they would just jump to the next available girl. It's so dehumanizing, and now I've formed a community of women (and like 2 genuine guys lol) because we just can't trust most men to not make things weird. It's so frustrating.
@Shazy Shaze. This is so deep and I'm sorry you have to go through such.
I can relate with this when it comes to making genuine male friends, just when I think we're on the same page as friends, guys will confess how they truly feel about me, and it has always been sexual interests from the get go, sticking around thinking I'll eventually be on the same page with them. Really gave up on male friends
As a guy myself, It's always off-putting to me when I see guys do that. I always give it a wide berth and go somewhere else. I guess one advantage I have is that when I want to be left alone, it's any easy thing to accomplish. Never been harassed in my life.
Yeah that is a very unlucky situation. But unless those guys made it clear that they only wanted sex, I don't think they should be blamed either (like you didn't which is nice). To me it just sounds like the perfect situation for tons of guys to immediately develop crushes on you which they really can't help. An attractive woman enters a community dominated by men who are most likely even lonelier than the average guy. They were probably drawn to you for many reasons including sexual but also because they might not have many female friends. It just isn't surprising to me that they'd develop feelings towards you especially since you're attractive and were nice towards them. Ofc them "dropping you" isn't a nice thing to do but I also understand that IF the guys had feelings from the get-go. If they approached you wanting to possibly date you, you turning them down would be like any other one of their crushes turning them down. In my experience most people don't like hanging out with the people who've turned them down, especially if they feel like their feelings wouldn't immediately go away after the rejection. It really is a tough situation for everyone
I feel like a lot of guys degrade women who have tons of sex but simultaneously think that women should be happy/grateful to receive tons of sexual attention from men. For women who don’t have sex like myself, male attention does nothing for me most of the time because its usually sexual or shallow. The odds they actually care about me as a person or want a real serious relationship is slim
@@giorgospapoulidis8134I understand your perspective but I think we have conflicting views on what constitutes personal value. I do not believe attracting sexual attention from others adds value to myself. It is, again, very superficial, and has nothing to do with me as a person, just the other person’s sexual desires at the moment. It doesn’t add value in the dating sphere if you are looking for long-term commitment as many people can pretend to be seriously interested for weeks and months just because they think it will lead to sexual access, not because they care about you as an individual. I am not denying that it is a beneficial thing to be physically attractive for both men and women, just offering up a different point of view on how this may contribute to female loneliness as well.
@jane Eyre I can just imagine how awful it would be to invest lots of time and energy building a relationship and in the end see that your partner was only interested in the sex related interaction. But I think there are still some men who are interested in the same type of personal attention and relationship you want, even though it's getting harder and harder.
@@palpitations00 that's because as a ♀you have no value besides what is between your 🦵🦵s
@@palpitations00 i wrote a whole essay, and just deleted it cause chat doesnt usually end well. I would suggest you go see some kevin samuels, as he often describes what i would like you to understand, regarding womens expectations from men. Generalizing and in my words, men and women look for different things in each other. Your value as a person is different from your value as a woman. The opposite gender is who decides for the value of the other gender. Thus, men decide for your value as a woman. You cant go around expecting men to want to have a deeper connection with you, just because of your personal value. Its your value as a woman that will attract them. Its your responsibility to make want to stay for your personality. Shooting for a man that looks for personality from the beginning, and not in a later stage, is extremely rare, when paired with other requirements like him not being unsocial, him being tall etc. People who go well in life, wont usually settle for someone who doesnt have value according to their gender. They are at an all you can eat buffet. Choices: 1. Try to find a man who is what you want, by getting in many relationships but be prepaired to be heartbroken (not suggested) 2. Do nothing because the chances are against you, and give it up to luck to find someone. This requires being ready to be alone for the rest of your life. I am onto that route and i dont mind that, since i can be happy either way. To give my self as an example, i dont want sex until marriage. I see that as what women like you would want. I care about personality traits more than looks and sex. But why am i like that? Short, low self esteem, socially awkward in certain aspects, hair loss since i turned 18. Just to name a few. I have such issues that would make you go "...nah". Its not that i dont know that i have value as a person/man in other aspects. Its just that i know that i dont have some superficial things that women are attracted to, which do exist, even though certain movements would like you to believe otherwise. You will have to make up for shortcomings, with something else. For example, you can be the type of woman who makes the first move. This way, you multiply your chances of success, because you might have been option 3 or 4 for him, but you are the most available one. But in the end, you can always find yourself heart broken. Accept it, or otherwise you will have to live in fear for ever. I am not saying you should lower your standards, i am saying that you cant expect others to meet your high standards, since 8b people, might not be enough for that. Is it sad that something this obvious is considered high standard? Yes, i believe so. But the matter of the fact is that it is rare. So please dont attack "men", since real masculinity has nothing to do with that. Attack the society we have created and live in. Sorry that i ended up writting an essay anyway, but i think this one is more easily understandable, and you can take the hint, if you read it with good intention. I would like not to respond in any further replies. See this comment as a youtube video, that i just try to give you a piece of my mind.
@@isaacsousa9713 I think there are too, I have a few male friends who aren’t like this. I don’t mean to generalize every single guy on the planet, but I agree dating is a lot harder now with ‘hookup culture’ being so prevalent
Honestly heartbreaking how both men and women want a meaningful and honest relationship but we just cannot find eachother in this mess of a world. Social anxiety and lack of interaction make things even harder
Technology, erosion of community, superficial culture, they've all abandoned the spiritual needs of people for artificial simulacrums of fulfilment.
Yes because girls/women go for the top 10% of men who also are very attractive, however those men dont need all the girls so the girls become resentful and hate all men
social media is responsible
@@kylnpilln19 cultural values are and social media impacts them, but not solely
@bramsteenhoek2674 sure, but if people share their idiotic and destructive ideas online and kids start to adopt that as their own then u get the world we live in today and that was only made possible with the internet. Otherwise it would've been happening 50 years earlier or so
not only this, but there are MANY women who are not considered "attractive" who are lonely, have social issues, trouble making or keeping friends, trouble finding love etc. women are as varied and multi-faceted as men, and to think of women as just "attractive" or to think that things are easy for them is to think of women in a very 2 dimensional way-- to think of only the woman you imagine, instead of the billions of varied women who exist-- varied in looks, personality, etc.
Well, for certain misogynistic men, the only women they pay attention to are the ones they would want to have sex with.
EXACTLY
Yes, thank you for your empathetic view.
Most women have trouble making friends
If a women is ACTUALLY "attractive" and still lonely. Then it her own doing my guy
I honestly feel like this has parallels with being "gifted." You're expected to have such an easier time in various ways, and when you struggle you are often made to wonder alone what's wrong with you. Whether mentally or physically "gifted," this can cause incredible loneliness and anxiety.
Of course nothing is ever a perfect one-to-one, but the struggles feel somewhat analogous and makes me feel more empathetic about it as well.
this is a really great insight
Well said
Being gifted only gives you burdens, expectations are a burden and socially, intelligence is not a trait that leads to success unlike looks.
Indeed, you could probably also extend this to the financially "gifted" too.
The more you deviate from average the more alone you will be. It is worse when you are older as people are less inclined to be exploring who they are and trying new things and meeting new people. Humans get very set in their ways at a young age. If you are a deep thinker you will have a lonely life . At least that is what I think.
autism is very overlooked as a root cause of loneliness in women. I have it and we not only struggle to attract healthy romantic relationships but friendships are really tough too.
this comment should be pinned
Very very true
Me too
Tell me about it. I'm on the spectrum and I feel like I'm too mentally broken to BE in a relationship. Like, what woman in the world wants to date a guy who's on the spectrum of Autism. Answer feels like no one
@@IaconDawnshire They exist, don't give up. My boyfriend is autistic (to be fair, I'm also autistic and enby). But I know two other happy hetero couples where the guys are autistic and the girls are not. One of the girls has ADHD and one is neurotypical. One of the couples just got engaged. All of us have been together with our significant other for at least 2 years. Even if not every girl is into you, you don't need to be in a relationship with every girl :)
"Failing at life in easy mode destroys who you are"
Man how can you be so accurate?
Yeah...
It doesn’t destroy who you are. It destroys your ability to see it. Dare to challenge society for it is not reality unless you make it so.
This hit me like a truck
Hey mostly its because your surroundings doesnt allow you to grow, so you just need to grow in silence and shift you a place in the world where you will be appreciated enough! Good luck and happy life bro!!@@emiliap8790
its not easy mode you psycho
"i'm one accident away from having no value" You just hit objectification of woman on the head with a rubber mallet, and my heart is crushed. Love is not love if it's only for the use of decorating yourself with someone else's beauty.
Or gaining access to their resources.
Everyone is one accident away from having no value if humans have value like that
Aww,so sad, men don't have that AT ALL, now,do we hun?
Everythings an accident away of being unloved. We cant do anything but objectify things, what we need to find is someone who objectify us in the way we want them to
@@Meowmeowimthebiggestcat do me a favour and don't ever tell me to do you any favours. Furthermore, if you use feminine shaming tactics instead of having an actual argument, don't bother replying.
I know a woman who was pretty and felt this way. She was constantly sexually harassed and was often scared for her safety. She gained weight as a defense mechanism and now she feels invisible because people look over her constantly. It feels like women can't win.
"Feeling invisible because people look over you" is how 99% of men feel their entire lives. At least she's on that state by choice.
@@dificulttocure you are invalidating my comment. not a good look my guy.
also, I dont think it was something she actually chose. coping with trauma can be a b*tch
@@CloudslnMyCoffee I'm sure that being pretty comes with its own set of challenges, just as being the kid of rich parents does. But someone complaining because they're pretty is just as ludicrous as someone complaining because their parents are rich. Like, how entitled and out of touch you have to be to be complaining about something that is so clearly a net positive? How easy do you expect your life to be?
I'm sorry I don't feel empathy towards these people because they don't feel empathy towards others. If you're complaining because you are pretty is because you clearly never talked to an ugly person in your life.
@@dificulttocure i feel for you man. they say "privilege is something you don't know you have", and while most people are privileged in some regard, it feels like in this day and age the limelight is on "male privilege" which is a vast oversimplification of the social issues facing BOTH men and women... Saying women can't win is ridiculous, especially when it comes to dating, where they have vastly more choice. This isn't to say that sexual harassment isn't an issue in and of itself, but as a guy, to be honest, some part of me would trade it with not having any choice at all, in a heartbeat.
@@dificulttocurehey are complaining about their pain n experience not about being pretty, ur experience is as valided as hers when she got both sides where attractiveness n being overweight is both painful. the video is literally talking about to stop judging ppl bc they’ve got something u don’t have, get back n watch 20:00 before commenting
As a woman, I am honestly saddened by the amount of boys and men in the comment section minimizing the experiences of women, like we’re not allowed/unable to feel normal human emotions and problems because of our gender? And if we do they will never be as intense, important or bad as men’s problems because only men can have it bad?
Like ffs I swear some of you treat us like we’re a completely different species.
Ugly liberal women are subhuman and will burn in hell. You asked for the anti-christ dont forget that.
No going back.
That is why we call them incels. They are insufferable and self centered as fuck
Yea I agree. It's shitty, however men do it because for us, this is the norm. So it stands to reason that when there is a lack of empathy or understanding, this will be the result.
Men are treated like a dangerous and disposable species, so men who havent learned about female perspectives, view women as the fair and socially "accepted" species. It's certaintly hard to relate.
@@frostdracohardstyle I get what you mean but just because your struggles have been invalidated in the past, doesn’t give you a free pass to invalidate other people’s struggles.
I feel like a lot of men who watch this channel have no experience with actual real life women, so when they say “This is the norm for men” they don’t realize/accept that actually, this is the norm for women too and that in our way, we have it just as bad as men. Life is hard, and what’s between your legs doesn’t suddenly make life easier, believe it or not. Sure there are some advantages and disadvantages to being one gender vs another but entering the oppression olympics and treating half the human population like whiny aliens doesn’t solve anything. The best we can do as a society is listen, acknowledge each other and lift each other up.
Also in regards to being dangerous: Just don’t take it personally if a woman crosses the street if you walk behind her. You might be friendly, but she doesn’t know that. She just doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her so she’s playing it safe. It’s nothing against you. Don’t blame women for calling you dangerous, because they don’t, blame the men who made her fear you in the first place.
@@noidea4254 ''real life women'' youre talking like the women we talk to on the net are from a different planet. A girl you see on tinder is the same woman you see outside. Other than that stop complaining.
Man, loneliness sucks and I'm ashamed that I've hyperfocussed on male loneliness because I relate to it more. I never even thought that female loneliness was a thing. I guess life is hard for everyone, and thinking that one group is inherently better off than another is a flawed mentality. I'll be better.
It's not a flawed mentality its completely logical. Women don't experience the same level as loneliness as men and that is just statistically backed up. Any women can find physical affection while men cant find both mental and physical affection. That's why most of these movements are fueled by men such as MGTOW.
It takes effort and practice to have compassion! Be proud of yourself for recognizing your bias and exercising empathy, and the better chance you have at meeting a life long partner because you'll treat them like the human beings you both are 🎉!
I’m so proud of you for reassessing your initial beliefs while using your initial experiences to empathise with the op
Loneliness is a human experience, esp in our current society. Misogyny and objectification however are generally aimed at women.
Honestly couldn’t have said it better myself
I'm a guy who grew up extremely lonely and depressed. Sex is great but more than anything I needed intimacy. It really baffles me sometimes when I run into guys who don't want to be lonely anymore and they think what they need is to get laid on a regular basis. It doesn't make you any less lonely. I started doing significantly better when I got into a real relationship with someone that I could share everything with. We forged a bond that went well beyond sex. Sex may be what you want, but it's not necessarily what you need.
This is the truth.
Story of my life, but I'm a woman (happily married today!). I'm considered quite attractive by my culture's standards, but all these dating invitations from other dudes before my partner have done nothing to salve my misery. Oh, and getting friends of both genders along the way helped as well, but a true friend is not easy to find, and I deeply cherish all of them.
Casual sex can help with... touch starvation, I guess (I've tried the thing and haven't enjoyed it tbh, but to each their own!), and surface level pals can make you feel more included in the community, but none of these approaches truly solves actual loneliness - the feeling that you're perpetually misunderstood, and can't truly reveal yourself and/or share your values with another person.
@@aimee9478 Touch starvation is really the worst for me. I'm sorry if I mostly talk about men in this comment, but what on the other side applies for women is implicit and can be deduced(it's in the 'unmarked space'). And maybe it's interesting from the woman-perspective. In normal homosocial relationships between men, touch, and more spicifically things like cuddling are still implicitly considered gay, so a man usually doesn't get it here, at least touch in such relationships can never happen in an intented non-sexual but plesurabe context. Unlike in homosocial relationships between women or girls, where it is allowed.
So for men the only institution or place for this in the western society is a romantic relationship. But unlike homosocial relationships, romantic relationship are for many men a really scarce good and it's way more complicated. So I think men are not in a good position for touch in a non-sexual plesurable way, because the only place it usually happenes is relationship, which is generally a very exclusive and discriminative institution, especially for some. One could think maybe with female friends, but often not, because the border between friend and romantic or sexual zone can be pretty strict and clear and it's expected from many that cuddling with a man is relationship or sexual zone.
But... honestly I just want to love someone and it doesn't have to be romantical. Just someone I can love for who they are(and everything you wrote at the end of your paragraph) and I suffer from the fact that many people are not more emotionally sensible. At average women are emotionally more sensual than men, so chances are higher here. At the same time lower, because if a man in his 20's tries to interact with random women it is expected he wants sex or a relationship. So what to do? Where to do and how to do? I suck especially at the how.
Btw. it's very strange. Some women are annoyed from dating invitations while many men think it'd be the best thing in the world. This gender stuff is just stupid and I wish all those differences wouldn't exist. Also I'm kinda sorry if you read this all, because I haven't really replied to the things you wrote... maybe it was still fitting in some way - I hope.
so glad you're doing well now friend,well said!
I just want someone who’s willing to spend their time with me. That’s enough for me at least. But I can’t even seem to manage that.
One of the often unspoken things about the loneliness of being an attractive woman is that it’s genuinely difficult sometimes to know if someone wants to be your friend or just wants to sleep with you. There’s a very specific kind of hurt that comes with losing someone who you thought was a friend because as soon as you made it clear you weren’t romantically/sexually interested in them, they disappeared.
Maybe because thats how males work... We are friends with other males
bro if ur incapable of being friends with half the population simply because of their gender...thats a u problem
Ok, don't listen to Howl cause that's just bs. A guy that is capable of seeing a woman as an actual human being is also capable of being friends with them.
And yes, they do actually exist. Some of my best friends, who I've been friends with for years, who I have trusted in a lot of situations, are male.
@@laurinha2892 So girl saying she know guys better than me? Cool. I'm pretty sure huge portion of your "best friends" would gladly accept invite to relationship with you. Why you can't understand that for us, having male friends is just way easier. And I'm not saying you are not human being, but girls are different.
@@howl404 Ok, first things first, sorry. I was rude and I shouldn't have just invalidated your experience, especially given you are a guy and you do know more about males than me.
But the reason I reacted the way I did was because I saw a bit of my younger self in your comment and felt frustrated. I actually do understand where you're coming from because I've had a similar mindset before.
I didn't think guys and girls could just genuinely be friends because of how different they are from one another. I also thought having girls as friends was way easier and didn't even try seeing boys as possible friends, I didn't have guy friends at all at the time. Boys were basically either possible boyfriend material, life NPCs, or assholes who only care about s3x.
Until I found a guy who thought similarly about girls. He had a girlfriend at the time and he was going through some problems I've had before and I tried helping him. We became friends and helped each other realize that guys and girls are more complex than what we thought.
*Men aren't all the same and neither are women.* Some people have an easier time having friendships of the same sex while others experience the opposite. Some will look at someone of the opposite sex and immediately consider them a possible romantic and/or s3xual partner, while some won't. Even though men and women are fundamentally different, before being a female or male we are humans.
We are capable of really enjoying each other's company, as humans, to the point that we don't care if we're in a romantic or platonic relationship as long as we get to keep being a part of each other's life.
I've said all of this only considering heterosexuality btw. Now add all sexualities into the equation and boom. It's become even more complex than before.
*TL;DR Hetero guys and gals can genuinely just be friends, without waiting to get into each other's pants, out of appreciation for who the other is as a person*
What annoys me is that when i go through these comments i see people saying women live on easy mode because men are attracted to them and that they shouldn't complain, when that's the problem. I'm lonely as a woman and regardless of how many men find me attractive or want to fuck me, that doesn't help, it actually makes it worse because I'm lonely due to a lack of FRIENDS. i don't care if people want to date me because i don't want to date anyone, but the thought of befriending people who have an end goal of sex or romantic relationship, it... it just makes me paranoid and i look at every person who approaches me with so much suspiciousness that i end up pushing potential friends away BECAUSE of people who value romance and sex as either the end goal and or more valuable than friendship. I'm aromantic and asexual. i don't care about dating or sex. but all that does is make less people want to talk to me and form lasting friendships which just leads to loneliness so severe my heart hurts at the thought of wantings friends so bad, but the only thing people talk to me for is help or advice. it feels like I'm not a person and that no one cares about me other than my parents who still use "you're beautiful" as the highest compliment when i can't even understand or sense beauty
all in all, loneliness doesn't just come from not being seen as a potential partner, it's not being seen as someone worthy of genuine friendship. in my experience.
At this point you're self-sabotaging out of fear.
Due to a lot of people having shit childhoods we don't know how to be friends since all we learned how to do is fuck. As kid you're just happy seeing somebody wearing the same colored shirt. Then it breaks down to liked hobbies and talents. There was innocence to it, personally I always hated making friends because they never lasted because something happened that caused them and or myself to move. That's when sex started to fill that hole, yet that just ended in more emptiness. There's only so much raunch one can tolerate before they're back at square one.
Me? I just find self-sabotaging is out of futility. I want friends yet I was never one to keep up with them
@@ExeErdna Relatable. Being so guarded all the time can become a defense mechanism because of past trauma
People complain about being friendzoned.
The other side of it is getting fuck-zoned.
That sounds really shitty and i hope that one day you can heal from shitty past expiriences and hopefully find a group and community you find belongship for.
@@cosmicmist2020 Yup, history repeats because a lot of us guard ourselves from pain than confronting it.
@@Kuraikoamiki Personally, what would "fix it" is a respect of people's social needs. A lot of people feel locked out of what should be the easiest thing in life. Which is being social with each other. Men need to learn to care of a woman's mental needs and women need to learn to care for man's physical needs.
This is more so for straight people yet this is the ROOT of the problem since everybody simply mimics them no matter what they tell themselves.
Basically relationships need to get rid of this "win or lose" mentality that people need to "earn" the right to be treated right. Since that very mentality is why they get hurt due to they were in a relationship to get over on somebody. That isn't gonna make you happy. Like money can only do so much, when you're alone and don't know how to be alone it crushes some people.
We have a long road when it comes to truly healing humanity's pain.
Male loneliness, female loneliness. We need to just own that we suck at "society"
You just need to learn how to lie.
Can anybody show me these lonely single women?
Yes! This! Our isolating society sucks!
Colonial capitalism views ppl as meat and teaches ppl to view eachother as meat
@@BruceWaynesaysLandBack
That’s just it, and that is really what people refuse to admit, even if they correctly identify all the symptoms. It isn’t a vague moral ill, it’s much simpler then that. People in power profit off your misery.
Nothing hurts more as a lonely woman than to constantly hear men gripe online about how loneliness is an exclusively male experience.
Right
Now try imagining life as a lonely man reading comments like yours.
@@mjanny6330 don’t care
Yeah idk why gender is brought into this
“We started gatekeeping other’s suffering if they have an advantage” is such a perfect fucking quote for half of this comment section… I’m having too much fun replying with this to incels who believe their loneliness is exclusive to them
For me "being pretty" (which I am not even confident I am) meant getting cat called at 13, getting sexually harrassed on my way from school in the bus, getting inappropriate attention from a 32 year old and being subjected to psychological sexual abuse by someone else at 16 . The thing is I never had real interest in dating until I was 16, by 16 I was kind of interested in some guys in my classroom, but my dad's snide comments about me dating someone made me so angry that I almost closed myself off to it.
A lot of "pretty" girls have a lot of formative, traumatic experiences by the time they even get interested in boys in any serious capacity. I wish men would know to leave young girls alone, maybe then girls wouldn't be so on the defensive in adulthood.
(edit: To anyone replying to this, please keep this comment thread on topic. Men or women, you are welcome to share your similar experiences and give others emotional support and encouragement. If there is any other direction you wish to take this conversation, please kindly make a new comment thread instead of interrupting the conversation here. This space is for people who can relate to experiences like mine to talk to each other and find an outlet or support.)
I can relate to this. My experience may not be the exact as your. I was sexually harassed (touched on the butt) at 14 but a male classmate, and my breast grouped by a female (kinda) friend at 15. I would get creepy looks from old men since 13 and l dressed very boyish. My father was (still kinda is) abusive towards me my whole life. Especially last year which made me spiral into the worst depression I ever had. My sister and I were cool and kinda friends throughout my teen years up till 17, but as saw through delusions. She smokes weed, is messy, gets into very abusive and toxic relationships every year. One of which put my family and myself in danger as she was dating a gangster and I still resent her for that. She is self aware about her behavior but is not willing to change. My sister had said very hurtful things to me, all out of 'love'. Such as saying I like being depressed and calling me selfish, and a drug addict(ironically she got high on my anxiety medication once).
Anyways, last year a classmate reached out to me and l confessed to my personal stuff. This is the first time I was ever honest to a person. Bare in mind I was severely depressed. He would help me with my panic attacks. He would sometimes flirt with me and I would tell him to stop. I eventually developed a crush on him. I was confused at 1st since I never had a crush on anyone before and felt extremely guilty and wanted to self harm. Bc I was supposed to be focused on cxc and getting better. The classmate and I indirectly confessed feelings for each other and he ghosted me 3 weeks later and even didn't talk to me at school. The last real conversation we had was during an online class he told me he had a gf and had to 'be respectful towards her.'
I went into an even deeper spiral and was afraid to go to school, but I eventually did and one day I overheard him saying to his friends that he and his gf was dating for a year and she broke up with him and said she didn't loved him. I started to have a panic attack as that was conformation that he never cared about me. I asked my teacher to go to the washroom so I can cry, the teacher followed me and comfort me. And I appreciate her to this day for that. The more l went to school the more l got disgusted of the classmate's personality, such as talking about getting his gf's ass. Anyways I stopped caring about him and on the last day of exams I called him mommy kink and never saw him again.
I am currently a lot better now but I would always have a fear of being alone forever and fear of getting abusive (especially sexually) relationship and that they wouldn't actually care about me especially since I am mentally ill with a lot of baggage that I try to get rid of but it's apart of who l am. My mom and sister are in abusive relationships and I am cursed and might get into one. And I am waiting till marriage, it's a personal choice for me for safety reasons please do not judge. So yh that was my autobiography.
@@steamyvegetables1445 Hey, thank you for sharing. What is internet for if not for oversharing to random strangers lol, I do it a lot. First of all I would never judge someone for something like that, you are valid to prefer to wait for however long you want and for whatever reason, personal or religious, moral or even just cause you feel like it. It is not anyone should ever judge about you.
I always feel for young girls, it is just so cruel being put through such things when you are just a child. Also that guy was such an asshole, you deserved someone who actually cared about you and supported you. I am sorry you went through that :( And you also didn't deserve the way your sister treated you. It must be hard for someone so close to you to behave so irresponsibly, I really hope from the bottom of my heart that you will meet kind, responsible, caring people who will be there for you when you need them.
I also have fears of being alone for a long time, but I don't believe for one second you are cursed. If you are worried your past experiences and traumas might have made you susceptible to get into abusive relationships, you can try and talk to a professional about those worries and learn more about early signs of toxic relationships. Often times bad experiences only has an affect on us until we learn more about them and start working on any issues they have caused us.
I wish you all the best
I face intense harassment, I get stalked, chased down streets, harassed in public transportation constantly, I’ve been followed home lots of times and whenever I complained people didn’t understand what I was talking about because no one faced what I faced to that extreme level.
Not only the pretty ones - I was average looking but had big brests even with 13. I got sexually harassed by an old men and deprecating comments from other boys if my brests were "made". It stopped when I gained weight - I felt safe then. So even "average" looking women (or maybe I was attractive, but I didn't felt that way) get harassed. I don't know any women that was free of it.
@@gracejacobs7146 I am really sorry :( That has to be super stressful. I knew someone like that through a friend. I never met her but my friend would tell all these horrifying stories of people being creeps to her. Like she would be getting stalked after getting off a bus and when she confronted her stalker he would be like "I just wanted to tell you you are beautiful". Makes me shiver just thinking about it.
"How many people does it take to ruin your day" is such an important thing to understand in human behaviors. That's going to stick with me. Thank you!
I kept on answering with "Frik'n one ."
Depends on who it is.
@@Fullyautomagic as well as the receptivity and sensitivity of the receiver too, particularly on their worst days
It's not the amount of people. It's the things they do to you
Important to remember how easy we can be that one person as well.
as an autistic and above average looking woman, you have no idea how much I relate to this. And how often people are in shock, when I visibly show my struggle (crying fits as an example). It seems like they can't wrap their heads around that i am disabled, just because I don't look like they expect a disabled person to look like
Same for me, but with chronic illness :(
As a fellow above average autistic woman, I totally relate! People are always shocked to hear that I have never been in a serious relationship, and their shock makes me feel even worse. They seem to assume that attractive people can’t be odd or painfully awkward
You are not above average looking
I have a friend who struggled with this. She could not find a man that would not only like her, but also not like her because of a fetishisation of her quirks.
same
I feel like the whole point of her being attractive is a huge red herring in this discussion. We get sidetracked with focusing on that part while the real issue is a very simple case of trauma leading to maladaptive mindsets around romance. The attractiveness (or rather the focus on it) is misleading both her and people around her to pretty much ignoring the underlying issue that needs to be resolved.
I'm just as guilty of that dismissive feeling of envy knowing that she gets 'more dice rolls' because of her attractiveness and femininity compared to me but that's actually just shoving the spotlight back on me and my insecurities. The point is that she, just like anyone else, is someone with social anxiety and trauma who needs treatment.
I'm glad you summarised in the end otherwise I was gonna ask you to explain that to me like I'm a 5 year old 🤡
Agreed. Her attractiveness plays a big role in people's reaction to her problems and loneliness, but it doesn't really have anything to do with her problems and loneliness. At worst it just attracts the wrong kind of people that reinforce her mindsets.
This 1000% attractiveness was just a very small and minuscule part of the discussion- but he made it the focal point to talk about :/
Yeah, I was gonna say… I relate to what he said, but unlike her, I have always been open about who I am. I always tried to be A Person, I despised anyone who saw me for my looks when we CLEARLY had completely incompatible personalities. This isn’t to shame her because like you said: she experienced trauma, which probably led her to not easily opening up at all. Which maybe even made seeing through the fakeness of others real hard. Of others "just using you". If it’s always been this way.
The "prettiness problem" feels like just a response to this community.
@@mayumayudreams i think its because he knows that a lot of recovering lnceIs and misogynists watch him and when they read the post the only thing they will
focus on is the fact that she is attractive.
So he wanted to address that aspect and dispel the false idea that her attractiveness will prevent her from being lonely, since a lot fo the audience will have those thoughts
It's so sad to see people just disbelieving her and ragging on her because her experience doesn't line up to their preconceptions. You can have whatever opinions you want about "being a woman is being easy mode" but this person is suffering, can't you just like... chill? Don't pile on if you don't have anything good to say?
Also it's not "an easy mode" to live as a woman. Quite the opposite I'd say
@@DorneysHouseofGames Its hard mode for everyone, but different things are hard, and some things are absolutely easier lol
Are the comments under her post that way? That makes me sad.
@@DorneysHouseofGames Depends on the country, in places like the USA, Canada or any developed country it is way easier for women.
Its hard to keep beaten dogs silenced when they have been fed nothing more than hatred and the suffering of their same species.
Just in general: If you experience an overwhelming feeling of loneliness, please seek help. You can feel lonely regardless of your gender, "attractiveness" or the number/quality of relationships in your life.
Also: I really don't understand how people think casual relationships/sex are supposed to fix loneliness. That does not work.
As a conventionally "attractive" woman, yeah. 10000%
Casual sex feel like putting a little bandage on a huge wound
Thank you! I’m tired of people telling me that there’s “better dudes out there” and how I’m “looking for the wrong people” when there’s more than just meeting someone to fill the void
@@Alice-un3kq k but why is it wrong to care about someone's looks
Ngl. As a man, getting In shape and having access to tons of casual sex and relationships definitely fixed my anxieties.
As a man of your sexual value is low, women just treat you worse.
As an unattractive girl with pretty nerdy hobbies, life sucks. İ feel like no matter what i do i will always be the weird girl that no one likes. İ was never told i was pretty but was told several times that i am unattractive. İ see so many girls complaining about getting sexualized but i am so lonely at this point i dont care how he treats me i just need him to acknowledge my existence. İ am ashamed to say this but i just need men to see me too and not just be perceived as gross and ugly...
“Nerdy” hobbies is your own mindset; there’s billions of people on this earth. Who cares if you’re not into nail polish and the recent season of dancing with the stars.
The issue is men and women can’t just be friends. Men will always want to have sex unless they’re in a committed relationship.
You say you’re unattractive; and you wouldn’t care about being treated poorly if a guy just noticed you.
And as a guy who has known a lot of guys, there’s literally a guy for every girl (both figuratively and literally). But it would help to put effort in if you’re wanting to attract more partners.
But legit, “nerdy” hobbies don’t matter in the slightest; at least to me and many others.
That insecurity you feel comes from within; it sucks, I too used to feel that way no matter what I did. Work on yourself and if you’re interested in finding a partner, you’ll find them; don’t sell yourself short.
Men love nerdy girls, why do you think e-girls exist. The only realistic physical attribute is if you are fat are not. And if you don't get attention why don't you do it yourself, i'm sure more than 80% of men would give their number
If it’s that bad, honestly save money and try to get some work done. Of course I believe you should love yourself, but when we live in a world so focused on looks I have to give you practical advise.
i get you! cant relate to any of these women ive never gotten attention at all. But I relate to this comment
Hey girl! I'm also an unattractive girl with nerdy hobbies (drawing, crocheting, knitting) etc. What are your hobbies?
As a woman, it is completely demoralizing after you realize half of your relationships were based only on your looks, and not at all on who you are as a person. I've been through my fair share of relationships where I've been objectified, and was only really kept around as "arm candy". It's hard feeling like I have value for my personality or intelligence when the only thing I've ever been noticed for is my looks. Being lonely is a different experience I think for women sometimes, it's the experience of not being seen for who you are.
Edit: before commenting on this, please note that nowhere in my comment did I say that women have it harder than men. Lets remember this isn't an oppression or suffering competition, and the Healthy Gamer space is a place for people to share their troubles and find support. No need to shoot down women's issues because men also experience issues. Have a good day ✌️
It's when you're secretly your most lonely and unsure of yourself when you're in your social circle and most unapologetically yourself when you're at home with your cat / with that ONE friend.
so would you rather be ugly and not get any attention from men and die alone?
So you chose people who objectified you.
@@mrdee2454 Bruh
@@mrdee2454 dude how would she know the guy just wanted her for her looks? Especially in the beginning, if he acted interested, attentive and friendly? Take a step back and stop immediately blaming the woman.
I think for men the idea that attractiveness solves all problems for women can be a result of them lacking empathy and only seeing women for what society expects you to perceive them as (basically a half human doll), but it usually would come from the fact that people like to act like there is an easy solution to their problem when there really isn't. For example, people tend to lose weight to fix their body dysmorphia, but no matter how close you come to looking like your dream body, you will still hate your body if you can't learn to love yourself without changing. People think "oh if I just looked better than my life would be perfect", so they look at people who look better and assume their theory is true about them too.
Yeah, people want to believe in an easy solution. A lot of men are also actually cripplingly depressed over their looks, but admitting that would make them seem weak and vulnerable, so I suppose this lashing out is an aggressive macho-style coping mechanism. I've met many women and men who seemed to have everything I ever thought I wanted, yet somehow they seem as sad or sadder than I am. Everything comes with its own set of issues.
It's because a lot of men are actually invisible due to how unattractive they are. So, they automatically assume that being attractive will be living on "easy mode" as it solves all of their problems.
Very true. They’re projecting their desires onto women. They want to sleep with her so she must want that too and should stop complaining because she can easily get that.
It’s a mixed bag with a lot of nuance. There is definitely an aspect of projection where men condemn women complaining about anything if they are attractive, because said men are insecure.
But there is another aspect in that attractive women do take what they can when they can where they can, leveraging their looks in ways no man on planet earth has the ability to do so. OF girls who just 5 years ago would have had to work relatively hard to get a much smaller market share of money and status, can circumvent that in a matter of weeks or months. Women being elevated past their station at work because they are just women.
The difficulty in finding a job because the company in question is only hiring women for the training position. I work for an international Fortune 500 company right now and ALL trainee positions in the company are filled by women, with HR openly saying entire departments will soon only be filled by women.
So yes, the insecurities and projections do exist, but legitimate complaints from men do exist and it’s dangerous to blanket the issue in “men insecure nothing else need be said”.
EDIT: I’m not saying you’re saying that as I’m 99% you’re not, I’m just trying to add some nuance from the male perspective when it comes to this issue. MOST girls we see who are attractive KNOW they are attractive and use it to their advantage. I think the problem men need to grapple with is in accepting if they were just as attractive, wouldn’t they do the same fucking thing? The answer is probably yes.
@@Zikomo7 Your looks are your only value? Then try having not even that and you have no value, youre alone AND you have to go out and act like a clown to get noticed and end up with straight rejections when youre trying real hard. Welcome to men's life.
This one really hit hard. I'm a 23 year old woman, and I haven't had a single friend IRL since I was in middle school. Crippling social anxiety and autistic. All I've done for years is work and come home and waste my time away gaming. Any time I've tried to open up to someone about how isolated and empty I feel, they don't believe it. It also doesn't help that I am asexual, so when the only attention I get is the sexual advances from men, it leaves me feeling even more empty. After so many years of being in my room I feel like it's impossible for me to make a human connection anymore.
Same, literally same and it fucking sucks
that sucks, here is hoping things get better for both of you.
The asexual part is bullshit. I helped an upper middle class girl who had stepfather child sexual abuse and at 18 years old she was in a anarchist camp hippy + lesbian/asexual taking antidepressants.
I partly helped her to change. She ended up sleeping with a psychologist and now she's not lesbian anymore but in a polyamorous phase.
Repressed sexuality is just how women react to stress. You're 0% asexual. You're just traumatised and without social support and as pregnancy is a huge cost and threat, your biological instinct is to deactivate sexual desire to avoid the massive threat of carrying the burden of pregnancy alone.
Get social support and magically your sexual drive will explode. Get a boyfriend under a "I'm damaged material, no sex for now, maybe one day" agreement, choosing someone who has lots of self control and won't jump on you until you're ready.
@@Bvic3I find the third paragraph very spot on, I've observed similar situations in my life. If you don't mind me asking, are you a man or woman?
@@hydratejsn I'm a man
Loneliness makes people appreciate what they have more. People who are never left alone to wrestle with their thoughts are often shallow and insufferable. Being lonely is a blessing if you are tough enough to make it through.
I'm a love camel.
I've gone 12yrs without
but somehow I survive.
Thank you💚you made my day better💚Thats exactly how i felt, in 5 years relationship and with abusive best friend... I was very shallow, now I dont feel that happy but i feel myself more and i can connect more with people that suffer
@@radfoo72 That's very difficult but very revealing. You must have something in your relationship with yourself that is good enough to keep living life :) You have accomplished a great thing by simply not letting yourself be crushed by isolation. I admire you for that.
@@fenixleonor I'm happy to have had a positive influence on someone. Thank you. To suffer is to know yourself. You can't choose your trials, but you have full control over yourself while you are in the middle of it. This responsibility is heavy for many people and they blame external factors for their own reactions. The Matthew Effect is real and cannot be ignored but it doesn't condemn us to permanent pain. I'm glad you have overcome the doubts of poor relationships. It is better to be alone than with people who make you feel alone. Be someone you love to hangout with. Cheers!
@radfoo72 aww! A love camel 🐫
I feel her loneliness. The few times I've had a chance at a relationship I had to cut it off once it became clear that they just want a girlfriend, not a partner.
Been there done that. My title of boyfriend was more important than me being their partner.
What's the difference?
women are incapable of being a "partner"
a partner doesent just wait at the finish line and fuck the winner
a partner is with you the entire way, which women don't do
@@OnyieOnyeabor007 just being someone for the sake of it, for instance I've had my friends constantly complain that they want a girlfriend, because I think they think it'll be a girl that will validate their low self esteem rather than having a person that truly cares for each other
@@OnyieOnyeabor007 feeling of validation of finally having a partner or in other words "finally collecting that piece of the puzzle to make my life look decent to others"
This is where being ugly has a perk. If someone likes you, you know it's true love and not just physical attraction.
For some reason I believe both processes are the same, it's a two-ways road. when you're average you make average effort to approach people because each one of the persons makes halfway the effort. When you're ugly, you have to effort more to attract them to "compensate", to cross with your personality the gap that looks should cross by itself. On the same note, when you're pretty you also have to effort more to access and keep people around, since your looks already brought them closer, now you have to show you're not just what you look.
That's not completely true. Some people perceive ugly people to be desperate and easy and try to take advantage of them.
Not true, I know a guy who told me he does stuff with girls he thinks are below average just because it is easy. I think most women are pretty and we should not value ourselves based on men's behaviour, some literally fuck goats and do not see women as human beings
Unless you are ugly but rich!!!
IF someone likes you. IF. That is a really huge IF
I consider myself to be an empathetic person and I will admit that there are times where I just completely fail to relate. In the past this is has been one of those things. It wasn't until I actually made friends with someone who is the stereotypical "hot girl" all her life that I realized that she was one of the loneliest people I had ever met and she had way more emotional baggage than I would have imagined.
My best old friend from high school was an early bloomer and had a very big chest, even more so compared to her small body size.
She got sexually harassed and assaulted multiple times from 13 years on. Grown men were following her home multiple times, men in their 40s/50s were hitting on an obvious teenager during festive events, her "best friend" betrayed her and tried to rope her while she was drunk and sleeping and even worse stuff happened.
She got anxiety and panic attacks, she can't sleep anywhere else except home and needed years of therapy and lots of medication to get back on track. Thankfully she found a very nice boyfriend, but other than that I think she is pretty lonely...
That's exactly what I was thinking about.
My ex gf is a beautiful and nice girl, yet she struggles with loneliness, she only has one or two friends, and she has a lot of emotional baggage, she's taking care of a kid alone at 22 (not mine), her mother is gonna die of cancer soon and she has to take care of her dad and younger brothers and sisters, on top of other emotional struggles, some of which I'm responsible for, sadly.
That's something I would have never imagined (outside of what I'm responsible for ofc) if she didn't reach out to check in recently. All I and other people could see is a happy social media "fake" mask.
It must be really hard to be told, implicitly or not, that you souldn't complain because you're living life on ez mode, since you look like Barbie and a lot of men are after you.
Hearing her tell me she doesn't speak about her problems to anyone, except me apparently, because she doesn't want to bother people was rly sad.. I don't know anyone who could carry such a burden alone..
It is really hard to relate when all I read is that she can't have a deep connection and not doing anything about, not going to therapy or trying to take part in any social activity/ community. Obviously there are past trauma or some other issue that is impeding them in taking action. But I do not have a lot of empathy for people who have natural advantage and resources compared to others and dont do anything about their problem and all they do is complain and have self pity
@@qweasd9153 She is doing stuff about it though. She has gotten a lot more social, she is less obsessive about working out, she seems to be doing better every time I see her. She used to be super depressed and she is actually taking control of her life more and more, it's just really hard for her to build trust in other people when she has been burned so badly.
She is trying to build a life that does not revolve around her looks but it is very difficult. On one hand she has been praised for her looks her entire life and her reward system is wired towards that. She believes that now that she is over 30 that she is almost unlovable for instance. Which is absurd but if you believe that and are conditioned in that way than imagine how tough it is to break out of that. She has struggled to let go of all the things that she does to make herself look good (which is a lot of time!) and at the same time break out of her comfort zone and build platonic friendships so she feels value.
Also she does have some natural advantages, but it was social conditioning that makes her push those advantages to such extremes. She also has natural disadvantages in her family and how they pushed her in that direction. It is more complicated than genetics!
Let's start feeling sorry for attractive people T_T
I can't tell you how much relieved i felt when i read that woman's reddit post, my life is just like hers, word by word. And I'm only 18, turned this year. I've been this way for years and i had rare moments to enjoy my teen years, because of something i couldn't completely control
Learn about red flags, especially for narcissism.. I'm 45, and it took me years to figure it out and now I'm pretty vigilant. Hope you find what you need and don't get burned too much in the process
I had the same revelation as I heard this woman’s story too. I have such a similar life to hers, that hearing that I am not alone almost made me cry. I’m only 18 too, and having so much loneliness and such a need for connection is hard to cope with as a new adult. But at least we aren’t alone. We got this, we can get through it. The happiness we have missed out on in our early years might be waiting for us later, we just have to get there.
so, you are a narcissism that complains for everything, grow up
i relate to all of you
18:46
This part may help you with your endless cycle of lonliness.
The single greatest lesson I've learned in my 20 years of life is that every single person is carrying a tremendous amount of baggage with them, no matter how easy their life looks like from the outside. Rich, poor, beautiful, ugly, social, lonely. Everyone suffers.
Not really true, not everyone has a lot of baggage. But a fair share, yes. I know plenty of people in my life who barely ever suffer
Some more than others. No one says that the rich or beautiful don't suffer at all. But we have to make the comparison because the ugly and poor have it way worse in this world we live in.
@@JonasCraftUltimate even the people who dont look like they are suffering may be. You dont know, some people have a calm exterior hiding a raging torrent of awful feelings. There are challenges you will never understand just like there are challenges other people will never understand about you.
@@JonasCraftUltimate then you don't know them enough
@@lolizorz tell me you have no Idea about the life on the other side without telling me you have no idea about the life on the other side.
For me, the friends who came from poorer backgrounds suffer less than the ones coming from rich families. It's a different struggle, but a pretty equal one
Dr. K, I appreciate the videos where you talk about people outside the male gaming group. It provides a lot of insight and a different perspective on the community, and with that, I believe comes more understanding. One of my favourite videos that I go back to watch is the interview you did with a parent dealing with a son with a gaming addiction. I hope to see more diverse interviews in the future and as always, keep up the great work.
I often think back to that video as well. It was very eye opening to see the perspective of a parent.
Likewise as a cis white Male it's always great to learn how other people think and feel. I love these topics.
The more that Healthy Gamer develops, the more that I think that the name is kinda unfortunate. Dr. K can help(and has helped) a lot more people than just gamers. But I feel like someone who could use some help from Dr. K/the Healthy Gamer community might see the name and think it's just for gamers and be turned away from it.
Agree, shows that issues like the ones Dr.K talks about don't discriminate between people. Also kind of shows how people struggle to find meaningful connections with other people and reach out to new people.
I totally agree. The more we can involve women's voices in this space, the more it will help the men experiencing issues with women. Humanizing women and their issues is a huge step in the right direction to getting out of some of the toxic or "incel" aligned mindsets that may appear in the community. This is great to see.
As a woman, I absolutely appreciate your comment and Dr K. This was someone that self-identifies as attractive, I still want to hear about someone non attractive like me.
As a male college student, realizing this about people really gets me down. I've never dated or held any remote relationship in my 22 years. The closest thing I knew to love was when I was sexually abused as a kid. but people ironically assume me to have a thriving love life or being sexually active because of how I look. The way I act very chill, funny and outgoing socially, people never suspect that I'm in reality spending what feels like my entire life making sense of my broken childhood.
And I feel this is just worse for women that are objectified. It's not even just romantically, it can feel like every connection and potential one, even if small if significance, can be an opportunity to be objectified, even if its subtle.
Humans have the hardest time recognizing other humans 😢
Thank you for showing empathy here. Sometimes it means a lot. People center romantic relationship as if it was the only source of emotional intimacy. It is pretty normal never having ever had a relationship in the beginning of one's 20s, even when people are good looking, for different reasons. I spent most of my twenties trying to find a way to feel human and connect with others. I hope you'll find a way to heal. I know it is exhausting, it can take many years, decades even. I hope you'll get better :)
We’re listening and I’m sorry. I hope you do well and enjoy your life right more and moving forward. I hope go well for you and wish you luck on your healing journey. 🕊️
Hey, it must’ve been tough to share this story. I sincerely hope that things will eventually turn out better for you.
Somewhere far away, I’m cheering for you.❤
This made me really sad. The human condition is so complicated. I think we all need to start having a bit more empathy towards each other.
You just said a whole lot of nothing lol
Being attractive isn't the key to every door, but being unattractive f*ckin seals every door shut
Loneliness in each gender are rooted in deep societal issues. It’s hard to fix these types of issues without serious shifts in culture.
Sadly, I don't think it's gonna change for the better anytime soon.
No. Is rooted in whimin wanting Chad only.
@@ROForeverMan
Nice bait, m8.
@@crowqueenamps Cope.
@@ROForeverMan
You, too! Thanks! :)
I hate that people gatekeep suffering. Even if someone is rich or attractive or seemingly has it all, I hate when people say well f them they have it easy. Life is hard no matter what. We're all different people and we want different things. Just because someone is a genius doesn't mean they can't want a mundane job. Just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they can't feel ugly.
I think we should acknowledge all suffering and loneliness, however we should also acknowledge some people have it harder than others, if your the child of Elon musk or Jeff Bezos you are going to find life easier than a orphan growing up in a poor area with disability.
@@kyzantia8884 Tell that to the kid of Elon Musk who legally changed her name just to not be associated with him anymore lol
@@weissrose1081 That doesn't mean they had a hard life, their father is one of the richest people on the planet, money has never and will never be an issue for them
@@kyzantia8884 hmm maybe it's ok to consider different levels of struggle. When it comes to empathizing. An able person whoud never know what it's like to grow up with a disability. But that doesn't mean their struggles can't be valid. It's just different struggles.
@@kyzantia8884 they are a human being and they can have things happen to them like parents divorced,growing up alienated or some other problem. But they wouldn't have to sacrifice their needs to earn money. And general hardships that come with not having enough money and access. That is a struggle they wouldn't have to go thru.
I have a “friend” who humiliated me in front of a bar full of people on purpose. This “friend” apologized by saying “you’re so tall and beautiful and confident that sometimes I forget you have feelings”
Wow what a crapy person.
Girl run away from that person! This is such a horrible thing to say-
That's no friend at all
Geez hearing then must have hurt. Hope you told her that was not okay in any shape. She seems jealous of you & they can be the nastiest friends to have.
That's disgusting, honestly. I hope you cut ties with this person.
If you're a shy and sensitive person who is kind of a loner, but happens to be attractive people will just assume you're a snob. 😶🌫️
good to see the other perspective.
"When you’re ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust"
99% of ugly people will never get laid tho
and if they do its because of their money
i d rather get laid cuz of my looks rather than my money honestly
As hunchback dwarf that was in relationship with literally elven goddess I can say that quote can do wild flip sometimes
I'd still rather have some attention instead of none, but only as a man. I know the dangers women have to face every day so unwanted attention for them can be extremely scary
Inb4 someone says "Being liked only for your looks is still better than never being liked at all".
@@phosspatharios9680 not saying it's better, because it isn't, but I would personally take it over nothing
This is interesting because it has a lot of similarities to how people who are fetishized feel in alot of circumstances as well. Me particularly as a black male there is a lot of things people expect of me sex wise and the more I'm pressured into living up to that expectation the less humanizing it feels because I become nothing but an experience and my personality feels like it starts to not matter
idk if you’ve heard of this channel but it’s called F.D. Signifier and he made a really good video about the over-sexualization of black men to the point of objectification
That's a really interesting observation, thanks for sharing your perspective. Keep looking, there are definitely people out there who care about more than one thing about you. Find them, and hold them close.
I'm not sure if I should call you lucky or not, because it sure beats being seen as unattractive due to being a man who belongs in a race that is not deemed as attractive. Let's face it - do women even want to marry an Asian man outside of BTS?
You are hella attractive though ;)
@@starrychips6483 I was just thinking abt this
If you want to know what it feels like to realize that a guy just wanted sex out of you and didn't give a fuck about your humanity, it's fairly similar to when your old friend from high school reconnects, then eventually shifts the conversation to the MLM that they want you to join.
Unfortunately some men go through the same...
Ooof. From experience, that is a GREAT metaphor.
It's basically the female version of the guy who thinks the girl loves him but she's really just out for his money. It's a depressing situation
@@rossatkinson8621im a woman and i experienced both the typically female experience and the one you attribute to guys. Just being into me because i own 2 houses and have money 😂 theres something called prenup. Yes 😂
Damn
Being lonely and detached from people leads to the inability to get close to others no matter what the scenario
Makes things easy instead of trying to like and get along with everyone in the name of social cohesion
What about the female loneliness of all that above, except you’re not pretty. All your life you hear about other people’s issues of getting too much attention and while you try to feel bad, deep down you feel like you’re not even worth mentioning. You also have social anxiety, you’ve been bullied for your looks by peers and adults alike, but this time no one even tries to approach you. You hear about “beauty within” and realize you probably don’t have much of that either since people clearly don’t see it in you. You try to pursue men instead of waiting around, and on top of rejection you’re also told that you come off as improper and desperate. “Girls should wait until a suitor is interested.”
When you were young, you also thought that you’d grow up pretty “in your own unique way”. Your family tells you your focus in life should be family and getting a husband. In reality the doctor tells you “don’t worry, we’ll fix your acne so you can find a husband one day” when you’re 11 and haven’t ever been in a relationship yet…and then treatment doesn’t work.
As a woman, I feel defined by my looks. Everywhere online you can see that people assume a girl is kind and smart when they are just pretty. Sometimes I wonder, if I had to be repulsive anyway, why couldn’t I have been a guy instead. Then my family might define me by my achievements rather than my looks.
Lol if you are using loneliness as a basis to reject your gender , I advice you stay a woman
you're clearly very introspective
I think the problem is with how women are viewed by society as whole. A fun toy and a boring toy are both still toys, objects you play with and then discard when you’re done. Even the fun and attractive toys get discarded. That’s how I think women are generally viewed by society. They are just toys that are valued for their superficial qualities.
This is why I think both attractive and unattractive women feel isolated and alone. When your worth is controlled by shallow qualities, you are bound to feel lonely, whether you are valued or not. And it’s probably especially tortuous because as a human being, you _know_ you have more to offer, but barely anyone cares about that.
This could be totally wrong though because I’m not a woman so I don’t have first hand experience with this stuff, and I don’t have any female friends.
@@qwertyasdf4081 No, you are spot on. It just sucks to be reduced to a hallow shell. The only time I feel truly free is on the Internet, when no one knows I'm not a guy. That's when people treat me with respect. The crux of being a man is that you get judged by your achievements - the crux of being a woman is that you are NOT judged by your achievements. Even if you're the most powerful woman in the world, all they will see is your looks. That's just so sad.
@@red_calla_lily Thanks for the reply :)
And yeah, I think everyone suffers from it, including men, just in a different way. Really, choosing to value an entire group of people from all walks of life by just one or two factors is detrimental to everyone. Every person out there has tons of worth, just in different places.
im an 18 year old girl. i was bullied heavily in elementary school and middle school for being ugly so i developed anxiety, on top of the fact that i have autism so that makes socializing and making friends harder for me. and then in high school, i started looking very pretty and a guy even had a crush on me. this made me feel flattered, but i had and still have so many mental health issues. i was really bad at controlling my emotions at the time, so i ended up taking out my pain onto people around me. i thought being pretty would magically make my problems in terms of loneliness go away but they didn’t.
You sound like me 🤓. Also have ASD and went through decades of bullying for different things, earliest being the ugly weird kid.
Being a pretty girl is so over estimated, especially by men.
Oh no... You have a life that, even with constant "bullying" is infinitely easier than the life of even the most attractive and successful male. Let me pull out the world's smallest violin for you and play you a sad song.
Your worth is way more than your looks, im sure things will get better glad you dont get bullied anymore🥰
I relate to this so hard!! When I was uglier people saw my autism as just weird and creepy or whatever, but now that I fixed up my appearance a bit people interpret my autistic behaviors as attention seeking, and arrogant, because these are the stereotypes about attractive ppl in our world. It makes me so sad because I'm actually just so bad at making friends from all the bullying and trauma I've been through, and I have a hard time trusting others.
Gosh I can relate to the first OP so much. What makes being like this even harder is the fact that we’re extra susceptible to abusive men. We already isolate and have little support. I genuinely am convinced I attract narcissists / abusers like my parents despite my best efforts not to. Breaking cycles is so lonely. Animals, despite the heartache involved - are the only thing that makes life worth living for me personally.
yes... and my siblings treat me badly because i'm supposedly the privileged one. they have each other; i've always been neglected because i'm the good-looking one... you can't win. stop all this competition, everyone! we are all here to love and be loved. kindness is all that matters.
True. If you're the cutest person around, if you're the "prize" in the eyes of someone like that, you probably are attracting them whether you mean to or not.
There are resources online and on youtube to help you spot red flags for abusers and narcissists if you want to search for them. I know it's not your fault that this is happening, but that doesn't mean it would hurt to know how to protect yourself and escape when it happens.
Just know that you’re never alone, keep holding onto yourself and everything that makes you special and eventually you will see the rainbow after the storm. And hey, all the better if you have a cute Golden Retriever to unapologetically shower you with love at any given moment
It's not about who you attract -- even women of below average attractiveness will attract every type of guy -- it's about who you choose. It's about what you're attracted to, not what they're attracted to. Literally women who are well below an average level of attractiveness can easily line a date up for every night of the week on some garbage dating app. That's not even an exaggeration. You're rejecting every other guy because they're not attractive to you. You're not susceptible to abusive men, you're repulsed or bored by the non-abusive ones and into the vortex of invisibility they go where they are never to be heard from ever again.
Same, seriously...
I'll admit, for a long time it could never click that "pretty women" could ever be lonely, given how our society functions. But when I compared it to the whole "wealthy men get all the female attention" stereotype, I realised that beauty for women is analogous to wealth for men. Wealthy men don't want to be treated like a free meal, just like beautiful women don't want to be treated like a sex doll, or a show piece. Society is so hyper focused on certain narrow aspects of our being, that if you are "pretty" or "wealthy", it overshadows everything else about you.
It’s so deeply engraded to society since Greek era, where unnattractive people are considered straight evil or witch.
I'm at the point where i'm so lonely that it almost hurts physically. I have no friends to talk to, hang out with, play games with, etc. I already had bad mental issues before this happened, but this extreme loneliness has only made them 100 times worse. I'm already 32 going on 33 and I feel like the time I had to make friends is all but gone now...
If you're a girl/woman/person/boy/man/whatever who also feels horribly alone, rarely leaves their house and has no friends like I do, just know that you aren't alone.
Same
I have experienced the "hurts physically" part. Best wishes ❤️
Same 100%... Right down to the age.
😢same. I’m 32 going 33
On the side note, I love your profile picture
8:35 Absolutely. When the university hired me instead of one male applicant (who I knew personally, he was a good specialist), my parents told me to "be careful" around my boss. Because he might harass me. Five years later, nothing ever happened, but I still remember getting this response instead of being congratulated. It is a weird combination of attributing your own success to looks and still be very insecure about your appearance. Because duh, no woman is ever beautiful/thin/curvy enough
Congratulations for job!
Congrats on the job yo
What a wholesome community 😊 thank you very much guys
Nonsense, looks plays an integral part in success for both men and women, also finally your comment on "no woman is ever beautiful enough" is retarded, we have literally obese ugly women who make thousands on OnlyFans and statistics show that very unattractive women are more likely to get married and most likely to cheat.
Your feelings is your own issue.
Congrats on your hard work, not your looks only, getting your the job!!
"Well if you've never been apart of a community, you're welcome here" was such a lovely statement ♥
Sharing my experience
It’s hard to me as a person who is empathetic in general to just talk with someone because I’m afraid with people that perceived me. I automatically acts hypervigilant and fake my expression and it’s tiring, drained me so much.
I can relate to this a lot, but my story has a twist. I had a glow up. I used to be very unattractive when I was younger, due to neglect from my parents and the fact that I have PCOS. My parents never taught me proper hygiene, how to take care of my appearance, no healthy habits when it came to food or exercise, never bought me nice clothes, etc. On top of that, I was obese for a long time and I had excessive hair growth on my body, some acne, my skin was a mess.
Anyway, I grew up and I learned how to take care of myself, I lost all the extra weight, and I'm considered quite attractive now.
What feels weird to me is that I somehow feel separated from the way I look. I mean, I do realize that I'm more attractive when I see myself in the mirror, but it doesn't match the feedback I receive.
First, I don't see myself as attractive as other people tell me I am, as in, even strangers of the street, not just my friends who could coddle me.
And second, because I was bullied about my appearance for years, I just learned to separate my sense of self from my appearance so insults wouldn't get to me. I'm just me, but in a more attractive body, and it usually takes me by surprise when someone comments on my appearance and then it leaves me numb because I've just learned to not care about it. I just don't identify with my exterior surface :)).
I also never had a relationship, men used to be pretty repulsed by me for many years in the past and now they're only attracted to the way I look, which is boring to me. I'm way more interested in someone I can connect with, but I'm a bit of an introvert and also busy, so I don't get to meet a lot of people.
Idk if any of this made sense, I'm honestly quite tired right now.
It is freaky how HARD I relate to this post 😳😳 except my parents weren’t neglectful, I just didn’t win the genetic lottery (acne issues persisting for years after puberty, a little chunky around the edges, slow lame hair growth, etc) , men treating me as ‘last pick’ or being ‘repulsed’ at mere jokes of dating me was a common experience in my formative years leading to a whole gamut of self-esteem issues that I’ve still had to manage as a grown adult.
I too had a ‘glow-up’ later in life and experienced the same shit you’re going through.
It’s a real catch-22 isn’t it? I wish I had advice on how to fix it, hopefully we’ll both find what we’re searching for.
I had the same experience as you. I now realize that there are people like me.
@@juliuscaesar8163 I'm 25, almost 26.
100% my story
I've just never learned how to take care of myself even now. I'm really so disgusted by myself most of the time.
This woman is so brave. Her loneliness is painful to simply hear.
she states it SO accurately and so well for a lot of women who really fall into loneliness and confused pain for years at a time.
We are all so horrifically lonely that we're not listening to eachother in the comments, its a shame
We’re “all” not listening?
@@elitenemysis6633 You know im being hyperbolic. Even so, many of us aren't. @Jack Mak is being all facetious suggesting that she's entirely to blame for her failed relationship, and the first comment has four times the likes and is childishly calling him an incel as if the entire video wasn't about understanding other people's loneliness. If this is the healthiest corner of the internet then we've still got a long ways to go.
Seeing a bunch of dudes minimize peoples comments on here…very disappointing. We very rarely get women focused content on this channel and they still made it about themselves.
@@SF-op5ix It unfortunately happens almost every time the topic of discussion is about anything other than cis straight guys.
@@SF-op5ix unfortunately that's true but I believe this video can help men too. At least after a certain stage where they are getting attention and validation for their external capabilities like money, status and wealth.
I just gotta say, I fcking love you, this chanel & the community within it.
I'm not a gamer myself, but some of the best ppl I know, are. But more to the point, you are a breath of that crisp, fresh air, and thank fck theres actually a rarity that can think for themselves and see beyond the textbook, b&w basics.
You touch on topics, certain views & intricacies, etc, that I've never heard being addressed by anyone else before.. So honestly, thank you 🙏 💓
I have to say that I have mad respect for her for putting this out there. It’s very helpful for people to come out with these experiences because they chip away at the societal beliefs that put people like her in these situations to begin with. Now we just need to work on our ability to listen to such stories. It really isn’t a competition of who suffers more, and stories like this prove that everyone has their own struggles. As someone who is male and not especially attractive, I could never know what it’s like to be the author of this post without her explaining it, and it would be easy without that explanation to assume her life is better than mine. The grass is always greener on the other side, or so it seems. And I’m sure it is better in many ways, but not in all ways. But even if you can’t wrap your head around how someone with something you don’t have can suffer, it’s really not hard to understand if you take the time to actually listen to what they have to say, without thinking up rebuttals and denials as they’re speaking.
I couldn't agree more with this comment. I hate it when people engage in Oppression Olympics.
My guy, you legit made me hope for humanity again. After seeing all the people missing the point I was deep in the depression hole but if some people get it, then I guess there's still a future for us a species. Thank you, and I hope whatever bullshit you're dealing with lets up.
@@bleachdiet559 But that's besides the point. We should acknowledge that people suffer and we should do what we can to improve, but who suffers more doesn't really matter when you consider the fact that everyone suffers in some way. I'm not denying that anyone suffers, I'm just saying it's not a good mindset to focus so much on comparisons.
@@dingus_maximus Ok, Im now acknowledging that she suffers... now what?
@@DenerWitt Something tells me you don’t really mean that.
I would love if Dr. K did a video exploring mental health with chronic pain. It's very rare that people with chronic pain are included in mental health discussions.
yes! this would be so helpfull for many people!!
@Bukkie661's Twitch Archive. it cant be cured but im sure it could be helped somehow. to be clear i dont have chronic pain, so i cant relate and i dont want to sound like a dbag. but hope is really the only thing you can hold in a seemingly hopeless situation, key word there is seemingly, as youll never know what revelations in science can come up out of no where. also i wonder if any certain techniques like CBT (but not that one exactly) could help out the pain.
Iii
I think the Ironmouse healthygamer video delved into her and her chronic illness if youre interested
@Bukkie661's Twitch Archive. I think chronic pain SHOULD be included in the mental health discussion though. People with chronic mental illness also deal with pain that will never go away, and as someone with severe chronic depression, adhd, and anxiety (and a few others but you don't need the laundry list), it's often hard for me to explain to people that yes, I probably will be somewhat burnt out for the entirety of my life, I might always be slightly to severely fatigued, I will probably always deal with depressive episodes that vary in their ability to be managed, and meds cannot cure any of it. It can be hard for fully abled people to understand that my mental illness will always be a huge part of my life regardless of if I want it to be or not and I just have to accept that and deal with it. From what I understand, chronic pain can also be like that and so I feel like these should be shared discussions because we're in similar boats with some things. We should be going through this together rather than leaving you guys out completely because chronic pain can also have a huge effect on mental health and mental illness can have drastic effects on physical wellbeing.
Can we also acknowledge not all women are "attractive" and still don't get treated like human beings
Yeah some women are lonely because they’re attractive and are seen as objects, while some women are lonely because they’re not attractive and are barely treated like human beings. Both are bad and just highlight how people only care about women’s appearances.
This^
Exactly this. I think this could be another video in itself and I'm sure most men could also relate to the topic
He specifically talked about that on the video
I feel like for women you can't win regardless if you're considered attractive or not, you just have different problems. i.e. If you're attractive, people say you're taking advantage of simps. If you're not attractive, you're invisible and have no worth. Basically we don't get credit.
Do people really not think women can be lonely? What if you’re a woman who isn’t interested in dating but is struggling to find friends? What if you’re not conventionally attractive? What if it’s hard to find a guy who is kind and sees you as more than just your appearance?
And dating someone to me personally wouldn’t solve any kind of loneliness. Friends are who I seek out when I’m lonely, not romantic relationships. To me friendships are more valuable than
Men see it the other way around i think, we can have friends and a good conection with them but that doesn't fill the need of being desired, many men haven't felt wanted in any way their entire lives and we can see that a lot of women, not all of them, are desired, the girl who's a little bit tall and lanky, the more chubby girl still finds a guy that is interested in her and so on. Meanwhile a lot of guys struggle to find anyone that is interested in them, they may have friends but no one wants them romantically.
@@JuliAuditore I see your point, I guess people want what they don’t have the most
"" What if you’re a woman who isn’t interested in dating but is struggling to find friends? What if you’re not conventionally attractive?""
That is called life. The idea alot of People have, Men and Women that eveyone can find someone is just nonesense and not based in reality at all. You cna be the best Person, if you are born in the "wrong" Area with the wrong People, you just had bad luck.
There are many things that play a Role in things like that.
actually your answer to me makes me think women are way more priviliged. many girls say romantic relationships dont matter to them as much as friendship. and honestly thats cause any woman can have a relationship any second, choosin from 100s of guys. so men really are disposable objects here. when for men even getting any validation from female would mean the world to them.
Yes I do think women can't be lonely, at least not involuntarily, like men are.
Takeaways:
→ One feature doesn’t determines our worth or value.
→ Artificial relationships can lead you to dangerous paths.
→ If your struggling, its not entirely your fault, its also a combination of environmental factors.
→ Don’t judge others because you were judged by others without empathy.
→ Who you are is not determined by how you are treated.
→ Methods: spend time with yourself and reach out to others in an authentic way.
Thanks for the summary, i journaled your points for when I need them.
Dont judge others because you were judged by others without empathy --
In my case, i didnt, until people start to feel entitled for my empathy while they dont.
My superior - whom i used to have good relationship has a view that, if you're their friend, then they can use you and be complaining all day, and accept them the way they were bcs they cant change and cant help themselves about that.
I was all good and understand that. I accepted listening all day for thair rant and got nothing of my job done bcs they also technically my boss.
Until one day, the another person was appointed as supervisor, and this person was treated so well and got a lot of pity that i suddenly realised, heyyyy did you have double standard?? It is okay for you to treat me this way, and this person not? And when i always being compassionste at the point that i had to sacrifice myself for this job, and i was tired and want this person to take on their job to be responsible for their own team instead of my team had to be responsible on THEIR TASKS, my boss blamed me for not being compassionstr and should treat them nice bcs their job was hard to begin with.
I was like, wait a sec, didnt my team had done even more than what they are supposed to do? And hey, look, did the other team even did the basic things of having the lists right and making real contribution instead of just forwarding other people's answers to our assessment? (The other team supposed to be the coordinator with same basic assessment and planning skiils as my team).
And besides, if the job is inhumane THEN IT IS SOMETHING BOSSES SHOULD SOLVE WITH THE DECISION MAKERS, RIGHT? INSTEAD OF SHOVING IT TO THEIR SUBORDINATE??
It's like i've been running 200% and there are this other team that is running 80-90% and i have to be compassionate to them and instead of training this people to be able to run on 100%, i got scolded for even asking for a 100% effort from them WHILE COVERING THEIR LACKINGS AND EVEN TAUGHT THEM HOW TO DO IT, WHICH THEY IGNORE BCS STRUCTURALLY, I WAS NOT THEIR DIRECT SUPERIOR.
I'm sorry, it just doesnt sit well with me hahaa. I dont judge people, until i do.
@@ameliasyifa4332 Damn this seems frustrating. At the same time it feels like you're hurting yourself over the mistakes of others.
isnt it "refreshing" to hear story from the opposite sex? im glad this person post her story on reddit. sometimes, we dwell too much in our bubble that we forget how the other sexes, genders, races feel.
human equality begins at birth and ends at death. we are all here experiencing life as a human being.
I think it's informative. We often hear a lot of men projecting weird ideas onto women, but rarely do we actually hear women's voices in society. It's a kind of reality check.
@@Sluppie When "i dont need no scrubs", "all men trash", and "kill all men" backfire lmao
I think things like this are a wake up call that life isn't so simple. Because what a person does not understand becomes easy prey to bias and it can seem like they understand it very well. It seems to me that oversimplification of the lives of women is part of what makes incels. Everyone needs to share their stories for a broad understanding to even be possible, if not everyone does, the extrapolation is just a poor substitute that creates all sorts of problems.
It's because you don't actually search for their story. A lot of subreddits are female centric.
I actually had chills during this video, this is the best example of how the cycle of pain is passed around. The effort to understand one another no matter the circumstance is EVERYTHING.
right cause women try to understand male only issues soo much
@@mongrel1137 Do you speak to actual women? Female friends or connections of any kind. Stop taking your world view from Twitter and Reddit please, for the benefit of everyone.
@@Balloonbot what does that even have to do with my comment?
it's a fact that women don't care for men's issues at a global scale, but they also don't care about the issues and feelings of the men in their lives
@@mongrel1137 No bitches?
@@Balloonbot It's one thing if it's just those two websites. Sadly, it's way more widespread than we think.
Being attractive often makes me feel devalued, like you could replace me with any other pretty face. I can always tell when a man is with me exclusively because I'm attractive, I throw up my shields immediately. It makes it hard to make genuine connections, like nobody actually cares about me and I could be replaced with somebody else in an instant
Exactly
I felt the same with some women, I get it. I had sex allot on the 1st time meeting some women but some really started demanding for me getting into something serious from the bat, we hardly knew eachother. I used to feel guilty when I was younger but now I noticed thats simply another form of manipulation. I was raised a christian so I always felt bad for engaging in sex while I never forced any of these women.
It sure is a thing, if you are deemed attractive people will simply want something for their own benefit in how it suits their perception. I see people who might be deemed less attractive and you know those people are in the relationship for more then just looks. Still due to biology I think its only logical men are focussed allot more on visual attractiveness as how the brain works and due some evolutionary aspects I could list if you want.
Best way to do it is to postpone sex and build other ways of emotional connection first but in this modern age we all know how things goes. Hence the reason men are avoiding western women in general when it comes to long term relationships.
U need to have in mind that everyone first impretions is all about looks if u are ugly u recive bad treatments if u are pretty u recive a special treat, now the thing is almost every time we hook up with someone is because of how he or she looks u cant lie, when u choose a guy to be with him u first see how he looks and then u choose if dating with him or not, so knowing this is a little hypocrite to say that, cuz knowing someone and his personality in 100% takes at least 6-3 months so its obvious that always in the beggining guys are going to be with you by how you look and the same applies to women a lot more.
Also its pretty easy to feel better being a good looking person if u feel bad just hang out to any social place or any chat online and people will be always nice to you and will care about you, and a lot more if u are a woman, thats not the same about a men, if u are ugly and u tell a woman how you feel she will tell you empty world for pity, they will ignore you or simply be rude, i am not mid looking but i am not a 10/10 but this is how the world works.
Also its pretty easy to feel better being a good looking person if u feel bad just hang out to any social place or any chat online and people will be always nice to you and will care about you, and a lot more if u are a woman, thats not the same about a men, if u are ugly and u tell a woman how you feel she will tell you empty world for pity, they will ignore you or simply be rude, i am not mid looking but i am not a 10/10 but this is how the world works.
I've knew alot of women who feel this way. It's strange that there isn't really a narrative for this kind of experience.
There is, and there has been, you've just been blind to it "good enough to fuck, not enough to marry"
because the amount of women that have this sort of problem are massively outnumbered by young men who cant get a date to save their lives. It's a real shame. This girl has serious issues that need therapy. She needs to resolve her baggage. Best thing she could do is seek therapy and take up social dancing. She needs some sophistication in her life to help build some real self value outside of her looks.
@@polishpimp4233 If I literally had to get a date to save my life, I'd probably find a way lol. I'd go up to girls and will be like, look, I am not looking for sex. It's just that if I don't get a date, I will literally die, so I need your help and I will do anything for you - treat you the way you want - anything, as long as you will be my date so that I don't die.
There is. But most young men choose to ignore it and discredit them.
@@tostitosfritos1748 I think it's just that humans in general spend most of their time prioritizing their own needs. Like you don't go to a grocery store to try and help other people do their own shopping. You're there to figure out what you want and expect others to figure out what they want.
the thing with the ''ability to always find someone to have sex with you'' isn't that hookups are shallow or not enough to some women. What it really is isn't being in the moment with someone but letting some random person use your body as a toy.
Yeah. Someone said that when you have sex with someone who doesn't respect you, you lose a piece of yourself. It isn't enough and for a lot of people is far worse than just being alone.
@@dddragonflyy to add onto this, there's people who genuinely can't enjoy sex unless there's emotional connection. So hookups/one night stands are not an option for those
Right but the vast majority of the attention from men is men wanting a relationship or a partner, not guys who want to start putting their coat on as soon as they ejaculate. Don't get me wrong their are guys out there who just want a booty call, however the majority of men, especially those on nerdy hobby's want a relationship
@@kyzantia8884 if you can’t see the person, you don’t want a relationship. You want a status symbol, a toy you can show off, have s3x with, and you believe will build up your fragile ego… might as well be a fancy car with a fl3shlight
@@kyzantia8884 it's not just about sex, a lot of those men want "some girl" - the only requirement is that she's attractive enough. They don't value the women they hit on as people to connect with, they just see them as "attractive enough" to fill the role of their girlfriend and potentially available. A lot of time when men hit on you, you're painfully aware that they don't find anything particularly interesting about you, they just want SOME girlfriend, and if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.
Kindness = don't invalidate people's experiences regardless of their situations and advantages
Oh, so you mean not a single human in 30 years of life has been "kind" to me? Huh.
nope. we live in a judgmental world so fk kindness :))
Healthy Gamer must be disappointed in some of his “fans”
it's a toxic habit, so you either learn (kindness) it. or try to unlearn to think like that. out of context, cute chimmy pfp ✨
@@desireesmith862 who cares incel
These people are acting as if Marilyn Monroe didn't exist... Her entire career is basically this poster's experience multiplied by 1000.
Female loneliness is just not discussed enough. I really want to see them explored more to open people's minds. I've seen some "nice guys" comments below and i'm baffled with the things they say. I know that not every man is like this, but so many people i've seen irl are like that and it's one of the reason why i'm afraid of interacting with half of the population. I'm extremely introverted and not exactly socially equipped to deal with situations where i could be disregarded just because i'm female.
I seriously never saw a convo like this until now. Any discussion surrounding loneliness is either gender neutral or only really about men, but I think female loneliness is a little different from men's loneliness.
While the op commenter was attractive, I think many women could relate to some parts of her story.
@@seraphim108 agreed, also women experience twice the rates of depression! and depression is seen as a male problem.
@@yaeli_i_guess Women experience depression more often but men kill themselves because of it more often and that is why. I am not trying to invalidate women's depression but that is why it happens. There are more men at the extremes of happiness. So while women may be depressed at higher rates they are less likely to be depressed to the point of suicide. Women are twice as likely to be depressed but men are four times as likely to commit suicide. I hope that both genders can find happiness though. Neither one should invalidate the sadness of the other because of their own.
I can also feel for you. Most men think women cannot be lonely because they see it as much easier for you to get attention from the opposite gender however attention does not mean you will not be lonely. I get a lot of attention from older women(old enough to be my mother usually) that I am not interested in as well so I can relate in that regard. I am personally also very introverted and hate being disregarded and though of as a monster for being male so I empathize even though I cannot fully understand your side of the struggle. I hope that you find happiness in the future but remember that you can't find a man that will accept you if you are not willing to accept them just as we cannot find someone that will accept us if we cannot accept you. I have a strong fear of women but I know I must overcome it and give them a chance to be able to find love for myself.
@@Justsomenerd69 but women attempt suicide at the same rates as men, they just use less violent means so they're less successful. it's not that their depression is less severe than mens'.
Im an ugly woman who is used to being a loner but lowkey feels lonely. It hurts so much realizing that people only talked to me because they felt pity to me. I am that weird,quiet and loner kid in high school. It makes me feel like a loser since the women around me were never lonely (basically the every popular girls in highschool) so now i dont know what to do. I know people dont wanna be near me or even talk to me geniunely. I know its weird to say this but im actually nice to people when they talk to me,its just that im socially awkward so im sure that made people cringe and not talk to me anymore. Kinda glad i see lonely women finally talk about this because i relate so much.
me too. I'm nice to them but i have social anxiety. I'm awkward to people. maybe that's why they don't want me or not interested to be friends with me.
It's horrible experience esp when people think you this way. you try your best to interact but people still think your weird or say why your quiet even you try.
Its damage my confidence everytime when they say why your quiet?
They don't try to even speak to me first, and that's the first time they'll ask to me.
I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. maybe because they want to kill my confidence slowly.
It's really horrible when people always ask you why your quiet, when they don't even talk to you, don't know you or try to talk to you. sometimes you try to talk to them but they ignore you.
And keep asking why your quiet?
for me this was a really rude question.
It's embarrassing because some people even hear them asking you this. And sometimes i think, maybe thats how people first look at me at first so they assume im quiet even i tried to talk. It's really hard
@@allinworldwillfadeawaysome4245 worse is when they ask you that,people start looking at you like a weirdo. Now i feel even worse and more awkward
Now imagine that being weird, quiet loner was a valid excuse to beat the ever living s**t out of you. I remember one guy that cried saying he "didn't know how to fight" and the girls marveling after about "how much blood" there was.
"I'm actually nice to people"
Nope! I'm not going to say anything.
@@NebulaSon bc i actually am. So there's something wrong with being self aware that you are nice to ppl in these days? Im pretty sure understanding and appreciating people is being nice. People had been mean to me but ive never given them the same energy. Isnt that being nice? Stop being on reddit so much
Honestly, as a guy, I've thought that being pretty makes stuff easier for women. But like...there's downsides to it. A lot of downsides, especially if you're pretty and innocent. So many dudes mess up pretty women, and so many guys just value them for their looks. It's kind of like going on a date with a girl, after dressing up, looking great, and then slowly realizing she doesn't like you. She liked the idea of you, your appearance and all, but never the actual person you are.
It sucks for women, because while guys are invisible for their 20s, women are only visible in their 20s because of their bodies. The real them, their personalities, are invisible to a world that does not care.
I guess one reason why mean always bring up the "but she gets a lot of sexual attention" thing is that guys just get none of that. Like none of that at all. If you're the average lonely man, you're not getting any sexual gratification. If you're the average lonely woman, there's probably a few guys trying to chase tail. But what dudes forget is that (for most people) once a person gets anything often, it loses a lot of value. It's why sexual attention for women is often a nuisance, while for men it is gold.
It's also the fact that, in general, men hold sex to a WAY higher standard than women do. For a lot of men, sex is THE ultimate goal, whereas for a lot of women, an emotional connection is.
@@llGemini19 exactly. I was thinking this as I was reading original comment. Men and women just have different values.
Honestly, thank you so much for trying to understand women’s perspective on this game that is dating, it’s truly exhausting. I really wished men didn’t put such an importance on sex, specially with women they don’t have an emotional connection with such as strangers and women they just met…
All women started out innocent. There isn't someone that is pretty and wasn't at some point innocent and taken advantage of.
Also, women don't want sexual attention. It's something that gets pushed onto them without them being able to stop it.
I feel so validated by literally everything you said. For me my best friend lowkey abandoned me at my lowest because of her expectations of me as an attractive man . I wasn’t accomplishing things at the same rate as her or my peers. I noticed how my emotions got put on the back burner, how my issues were not addressed or explored, and comments that were made to belittle me or compare me to what im not or didn’t do yet. I can’t look at friendships in the same way, hearing her minimize and blame me for a failing relationship with my ex and with her as a friend. She didn’t even let me speak during our last conversation where she officially broke off our friendship. I saw the attention I got from women in a different way, in the same way as OP I couldn’t create platonic relationships with women ( and men( except for 1 )) because sex was always the expected response from me as a Man . I am ignored as a person with emotional needs because society sees me as a man.. its gotten to the point where I want to go by they/them pronouns because I feel like I run into the same prompts from people I just want a deeper connection with. This experience genuinely changed my libido as well as my views on sex/sexuality. I don’t know what I have to be to make friends again
I really like this post because far too often I see callous or dehumanizing generalized views on attractive people that paints them as some kind of alien species devoid of human experience. This couldn't be further from the truth. That very view IS one of the things they struggle with! This post shows so much humanity and is easy to empathize and relate to. I love seeing the deeper side of people. I know everyone has a deeper side no matter what categories or boxes we try to put them in.
It really seems that it's just another deviation from the norm that people feel needs to be kept in check.
Are you telling me that attractive women actually suffer? How is them being showered with praise, validation and DMs a form of suffering?
@@AnimeArchaeologist The heart longs for something deeper, much deeper.
@@bike4aday It's hard for me to understand how would attractive people even suffer in their lives when they have everything in life and more. Praise, love, validation, encouragement, relationships, wealth and bountiful DMs everyday? Most people would do just about everything to experience even a second of that!
@@AnimeArchaeologist what you said about love and relationships I'd false. What this woman was saying, was that men would only want her for her beauty and not want a deeper , human connection. Also usually people think pretty=popular, meaning that they assume because you're pretty, you already have friends. She eventually starts to believe that the only way to make relationships, is through her body.
Most of the women I have dated were very lonely, isolated people. I kind of am too, so it's partially how we bonded. Unfortunately, my social issues make it difficult to hold a relationship. I just simply cannot spend hours a day around someone, I just can't (I figure ppl will just assume I'm a terrible human due to my failed relationships, so ancillary context was needed).
Setting my story aside, Being with women like this and especially due to their being sexually desirable I got to understand the phenomenon in a way incels and others among the "lonely male community" don't get. They are sad, they are isolated, and the fact that most people see them as nothing more than the "hot, quirky, nerdy girl" that gets objectified and put on a pedestal compounds the isolation. No one wants to be objectified, and for dudes that wish they were are suffering the "grass is greener" problem.
Men's and women's issues are unique, but we suffer nonetheless for our own reasons. I truly wish each side of the isle on the gender war would just listen to each other, but it's never going to happen so long as we envy the other. Women think men are all happy go lucky on top of the world cuz they look up at men like Trump or Bezos, and assume that's the male experience. Men look up at the most beautiful women and the power they have with their bodies, the numerous men that dote on and compete for them and assume that's some desirable experience. We've all been fooled by our own biases.
i dont know mn , they seem pretty happy on social media , plus i thought that female comardeire thing applied there, people have explained that its a myth but i dont get it , people claim its not and women are so happy so i dont get it
''lonely'' while having 1000 unread msgs. XD?
@@urevya yes
@@urevya Actually, he made an interesting point. I think these woman conflate loneliness with being objectified, which I must say, does not sound like a joyfull experience, in fact we know objectification leads to a type of isolation. And isolation can feel like loneliness, so its not loneliness perse but more a type of isolation an reduction in self word do to being objectified.
Woman may have it easier but at the end of the day, being proud of what you can earn as a man, what you can do and provide and your own competence, is much easier than being roud of something that you were born with and did not in fact earn.
I have no experience talking to girls about stuff like this but what you're saying sounds like what I think is the way it is, you definitely put it well in the last paragraph.
I had a friend tell me I'm too pretty to be depressed.....felt absolutely invisible and stopped talking about my feelings and got so much worst.
Therapist, they are there for a reason, or talk with random people with similar problems, i bet the dude in question was a hot dude that didnt care for you right? Thought so!
Hope it was just a poorly measured quip. I'd be hard pressed to call a person who denied my feelings a friend.
That’s not how depression works.
Sorry about that. If you can, find a therapist. Opening up is pretty risky especially to people who don't understand mental issues. Their responses can really hurt you☹️
@Mpj Mpj 0 compasion for women, they out here ruining mens lifes left and right for the sake of it, dont care what she went threw, and neither shoudl you
The comment about "failing on life on easy mode" was something i have never considered before with how crushing that would be.
This helps me empathize more than anything i have ever seen about women have a hard time.
Thank you for that
Excellent video by the way
I'd imagine that being considered conventionally attractive would make it harder to find love in some ways. Plenty of people will want you, but only because you are physically attractive and nothing more. I'd imagine it's a learning curve to decipher who loves you for you, and who wants you just because you are hot. Also, generally being seen as a sex object and a lot of people not really caring about who you are as a person sounds depressing af.
Yes women are loved for who they are while men nobody cares about, depressing really.
cmon, that's like saying "its harder to be happy when you are rich" Yes attractive people have receive lots and lots of attention from people who only care about them because of their looks, however unattractive people don't get any attention.
@@kyzantia8884 just bc unattractive ppl receive less attention doesn’t mean attractive people can’t be upset that most of the attention they receive are from users… a real comparison is a rich man wanting to find true love but most women he comes in contact with just wants to use him for his money and trap him… that’s a very difficult and potentially depressing position to be in. stop viewing life as the struggle Olympics and just learn empathy and let go of self pity…. Attention isn’t as valuable as people want to make it seem. You should be focusing on how much attention you give your body and your spirit. This is the real world… being an adult… you shouldn’t be craving attention and crying when you don’t get it. Heal your inner child bc no one owes you attention… it’s like being a celebrity and paparazzi follows you everywhere… it seems glamorous but when you don’t have any privacy and just want to shop or go to the beach but you have cameras and fans following all the time…. It’s draining and dehumanizing… quit the grass is greener perspective. Seriously let it go and get real. Unattractive women get this but most men seem to struggle with not comparing their experiences to women on a strange level. You want ppl to be empathetic to you but don’t even offer it yourself… a lot of men have that issue. Both sexes and sides of the attractiveness spectrum’s experiences are valid…
isnt it worse than if nobody cares about u?
@@kyzantia8884 trust me it just gives you a shallowest sense of validation. And clouds your judgement to not seek meaningful connections. That you have to grow out of eventually. But I would say maybe being attractive can bring you more experience. That a person not conventionaly attractive would have to work hard to get. And that is not fair as well.
"it's not about the statistics, it about how we treat each other" is one of my favorite quotes from Dr. K.
The first few seconds kinda reminded me of the disadvantages of being a gifted kid that Dr. K has talked about before, where getting praised for your gifts rather than your hard work causes you to value your 'gifts' over hard work and ultimately get behind in life when you feel like you're entitled to success with no uncomfortable struggles and failures. Not sure if it quite applies the same way here haha
I think that you brought up a really good point! I feel like it ties into what Dr K said about feeling like you're ugly on the inside and that only the outside is what's beautiful about you. It creates this notion that your whole self worth depends on your attractiveness and not what you can actually give to other people as a human being. So it kind of alienates you from yourself since in your head you feel like you have nothing to give to other people other than your looks (hence feeling lonely because you can't genuinely connect with other people).
It fits perfectly
I think it does, both scenarios invalidate someone in some way, for attractiveness we tend to invalidate their problems and mainly praise their attractiveness, ignoring their personality and other traits. For being gifted we put expectations on them that they shouldn't have problems or if they do they can solve it rather quickly because they are gifted, when they do something amazing it's easy to attribute all that to their gift rather than the hours they spent training and working hard to achieve it.
I think the important thing to remember is that you won’t know for sure what the reason is: gifts or true qualities until you actually open your mouth and ask people.
We can get stuck in our own heads too easily and assume one thing is the case when it might not be.
The worst scenario is being a unattractive and gifted girl. Try it.
People who downplay others suffering only give clues to their mindset and the people who see others as the source of their suffering also do the same. As a person who suffers from anxiety and depression for a long time I came to understand that my mindset and habits were reinforcing my view of the world, like a conspiracy theorist who can't stop seeing patterns everywhere. I know it's hard for those who suffered trauma in the past to take risk and expose themselves to failure but sometimes you have to go through hell to make it to heaven. The longer you go isolating yourself, the more your social skills decay, which will make reintegrating socially more difficult. Take it one step at a time. Little by little build habits that will force you to be more social. The world is, what you think it is
It’s actually insane how many people are lonely and feel empty it breaks my heart 😢
"Unwanted attention"
Men and women are doing it to eachother. Some men can make women feel unsafe but then those women don't give any men a chance as a result and then everyone ends up lonely.
@@Justsomenerd69 I'd put a lot of blame on stuff like tinder tbh
@@Failzz8 It's not just "tinder" it's megacorporations utilizing psychology in order to prey on consumers and bend them into the most profitable circumstance. Single people pay more taxes, accumulate more debt, and spend on more products they think will get them further in life or maybe more matches or more happiness. People who are depressed might buy more alcohol, might purchase more cigarretes. A car being crashed gets people to buy another car, sales sales sales. The same people have held power for years.
I feel for this women, this loneliness has nothing to do with gender, it can be so crippling and I hope that she did find a community she can belong to and be herself. This generalization of attractive people being social, and having an easy life is wrong.
"loneliness has nothing to do with gender" yes it does
@@alexw6849 no it doesn't
Man tells opposite gender their loneliness can be in no way related to their gender even whilst gender-specific aspects of loneliness are discussed in hundreds of comments🤦♀️
Loneliness does have to do with gender, because women ( and sometimes men) are often rejected based on sexist standards. E.g. if you don't shave your legs as a woman, you are very likely to get rejected by men. Loneliness is also associated with gender in other ways: e.g., not fitting in with girl groups because you do not adhere to expectations of femininity. And you can even feel lonely in relationships, because your male partner migth be thinking of you as an object or fantasy, as opposed to a real person.
@@maryjack3830Yes..... It.......does.
jesus christ, it feels like I ghost wrote that reddit post....I also have trouble making friends, falling in love and keeping relationships. I often feel misunderstood. Damn....I also cant connect with people online....It makes me sad how many of us go through this 😢
Same...
I feel like this is what the world has truly become this day in time. I am so glad that I am not alone
Same. It’s weird how we are “connected” but we aren’t exactly connecting. Reason why I deleted all of my social media accounts. It is pointless. I rather communicate verbally, it’s an effective way of truly getting that connection you deserve. Is it easy thou? Hell no.
Its exactly how I feel, i had a friend, my best friend, i connected so well with her, but she betrayed me. I've been trying to have more friends, I have a few, but i dont connect with them, I like them they are fun and everything, but I don't feel connected with them. I thought it was dumb, and that I just have to ignore that feeling but I can't, and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way.
@@classyme7533 connections are becoming quantity over quality
I'm ugly and lonely. I wish I was pretty and lonely. Atleast then I wouldn't be treated like radioactive object. Life as a pretty person is hard, but you don't really have to deal with the discriminations that comes with being an ugly woman. If your value as a woman is placed only on your looks, what value do ugly women have?
Who forces you to pick Chad only ?
@@ROForeverMan I can't get a Chad or anyone man. But I wouldn't classify myself as an incel. I'm rather, involuntarily unlovable.
@@straw1berry11 You cant get, but you pick them. How about you pick a Melvin for a change ?
i get why you are saying this, this whole video is based around a post online about someone struggling after all, but you aren’t contributing anything to the conversation. even though i haven’t experienced what you have, and therefore i don’t truly understand it, i do know what you’re going through, and the fact that you’re struggling in a certain way or for a certain reason doesn’t mean others can’t struggle similarly but because of different factors. the fact that you suffer because you are lonely and ugly doesn’t mean that other people can’t suffer because they’re lonely and attractive, you’re just invalidating their experience and assuming that because they have what you think is the solution to your problems they are incapable of suffering they way you do (which, to be honest, is kind of true. they don’t suffer exactly the way you do, they suffer in a different way, and trying to compare it just makes it worst for both sides because invalidating someone else’s feelings and experiences doesn’t solve anything for anyone), and this is all stuff discussed in the video.
@@sanstheskeleton9689 There is one thing to suffer of starvation, there is another to suffer because they have no caviar in the shop today.
I am lonely, and I crave so much for physical touch. Not necessarily in a sexual way, just between two people who trust and like/love each other. Sometimes this lack of touch hurts physically.
You are a woman. It's literally easy mode for you to find a boyfriend. If you can't it's probably your own fault for having insane standards
No joke, get a Great Dane or any very affectionate animal. Helps my mental health sooo much!
@@nicksmith4924 ... or a Siamese cat, or a golden retriever.
@@nicksmith4924true !
try to give love to your self and the rest will come as u deserve it. in how you are as a person i used to be in the same position but when the right people were put in my life i didnt knew how to take care of those relationships is just not about craving you are just being selfish, but its like are you ready for those types of relationships? or you just want them to fill that emptiness on you because they cant you are the only one that can do that
"You have to open yourself up to rejection if you want to be accepted." Facts. I'm not a lonely attractive woman but there was a lot of good info from this and I appreciate the perspective.
Another great line that stuck out to me was at the end, Dr K says he defaults to support mode instead of advice mode. I want to improve at that, because I ALWAYS do the opposite of Dr K, and I annoy people with my unsolicited advice who were just venting.
good that u realised advice is annoying ...they just telll u the typucal shit over and over again.
In my situation, I feel that offering a support doesn’t feel genuine because the people I interact with the offers me support(I can’t remember those people) isn’t enough for me.
Question:
Does offering support means the way you connect with people while they’re rewiring their issue then they feel okay again?
I didn’t have this kind of feeling(or as far as I can remember in my life)
Minus the "above average attractive" part, I totally feel this woman.
When you say that you don't have friends boys tend to disbelieve you and think you're being over dramatic. I don't have any friends and I'm incredibly introverted.
I think this woman needs female friends. Keep searching my sisters!
This is a nice comment :D - I hope she will read that
What good does female friends do? I think she just needs friends in general.
@@ifirespondiamstupid7750 A lot of the time women who have had bad experiences with men don't trust them. They might think "He's only hanging ou with me because he wants to sleep witj me" and that's not them flattering themselves, that's a fear they have. With female friends, that's not something women have to worry about.
@@succacactus1135 Eh. Kinda true. But it wont help the person overall. This is the exact opposite behaviour of a 'pick me up girl'. And both are bad.
@@ifirespondiamstupid7750 Actually, I would disagree, being a pick me girls is worse. In a lot of cases pick me girls who don't like women rarely actually having trauma with women. When a woman has all female friends/avoids men, the case is often her having trauma from men. I think pick me girls are often sexist and judgemental of other women, when women who have trauma of men are just scared. True, both are not good, but having trauma isn't your fault, being a sexist is.
"I have no one to talk to" vs "I can't find the right person for friendship or relationship" is a big difference
One isnt lesser than the other. Dont descredit what others goes through just cuz of preconceived notion that the other has it worse.
@@TheBeastInBlack Stop trying to devalue problems by comparing them. This shouldn't even be a debate.
@@Cello10131 Im not? Infact thats precisely what im saying not to do. Look at this comment section full of peeps comparing and devalueing others hardship. Dont even gotta scroll far.
@@TheBeastInBlack I prooobably would discredit this one...
one situation: a person says to empty space "Im lonely I want to kms"
other situation: a person says to OTHER PERSON. FAMILIAR PERSON, NOT AN ALIEN. MAYBE NOT EVEN ONE PERSON. SHE SAYS: OMG I SO LONELYYYYY WHY CANT I FIND THE RIGHT ONEEE 😭. AND THEY ARE FUCKING REPLYING "girl this is so saaaad, lets drink and fun together".
Na-ah, I just can't put it in the one line, girls take it easier
@@TheBeastInBlackIt can always be worse. Best to not focus on other people's lives and stick to your own. Especially online where nothing is real and the points don't matter.
This reminds me of “Komi Can't Communicate”. It's an anime about a girl that has breathtaking looks and incredible academic skills, but has insane social anxiety and as a result is incredibly lonely. It's really heartwarming (and kind of educational) to see her make friends and slowly open up to people as the show progresses.
But then again do you notice that all the people who become her friends are weirdly obsessed with her and think shes cool just bc she pretty?
@@cynthiavasquez4010 Except Chadano.
@@pamperedmaster8690 what makes him different from everyone else? To me he always seemed like a self insert character which u have to admit he kinda is. Yes its so realistic that a guy just comes and saves you from being lonely and helps u overcome ur anxiety and helps u make friends/s. Wouldnt that just be lovely. But lets be fr in real life most people with extreme SA are overlooked and go on through life alone. Ur attractiveness plays a big part in how ur social anxiety is perceived by others.
@@cynthiavasquez4010 Tadano is shy and awkward and perhaps “average” but he does have tremendous empathy - whenever Komi goes mega-awkward/nervous, Tadano is usually the first one to sort it out and be selflessly helpful - and he was always happy to be Komi’s genuine friend. It’s impossible to know, but I can imagine Tadano becoming a equally genuine friend to a non-beautiful version of Komi.
@@warrenfygp5326 yeah but my point was that he wouldnt notice her in the first place if she wasnt hot and sexy but also not too intimidating for him to approach her. He was like "omg i sitting next to the prettiest girl in school and she looked at me." Anyway i also personally dont like the fact the show is in tadanos pov and not komis. She shouldve been the main character imo shes a queen.
Edit: also i forgot they end up together!!! Its all just a nice guy fantasy
As a young woman I used to be above average as well. But I had terrible childhood with physically abusive father and emotionally abusive mother and bullies at school. I was deeply depressed and at times even suicidal. At the same time I was pretty good at faking being fun and easygoing. My first psychiatrist, a middle-aged man, asked "how such a pretty girl can have such issues?" Like being pretty has something to do with the fact that my father is a psychopath and my mom is processing me mentally not to act against my situation because it would embarrass her. I was raised believing I'm worthless and should be ashamed by my situation. I had no social skills how to have close relationship, and 20 years later I still have those issues. Fortunately I'm not young and pretty anymore, now I can be old, fat, sad and lonely without my emotions and experiences being cancelled by shallow individuals.
The idea that such a dismissing, biased comment would come from a mental health professional of all people is disgusting. And I feel for you on all other aspects of your story. I know words like that can sound empty but still, there isn't much a stranger on the internet can do so I'm really wishing you the best.
My mother had to endure unspeakable trauma in her life, from unfortunate childhood experiences to things no one should ever experience.
Yet, for some stupid, shallow reason, she was shamed for her trauma because she was a woman? She was quite a looker back then, but that should never discount the pain she had endured.
Though your experiences are different, I can't help but connect you to my mother in terms of being dismissed.
I'd fight all the shallow people who would dare belittle your pain.
pretty much had the same life... sad how common it is ...
That last sentence was a really strong punch. It shows how ridiculous it is to assume that looks have anything to do with mental well-being.
I am not sure that it's strictly better to now be old and ugly while retaining the exact same problems. I am certain you're being sarcastic, but still, it's a sad sentence.
People usually say that if you tell others you're lonely and struggle, you'll be off putting to them because of the cynicism. But to me, because of how relatable it is, I would never dismiss a person as a potential friend because of it, my first instinct would be a desire to help actually, because I can feel what they're dealing with when they say this, and tyou shouldn't be dismissed for being honest about your struggle.
Yes, if not cynicism, then condescension down the line.
Maybe, for the first few. Then when you discover everyone struggles, you will run out of energy to help other people, and someone will get turned away, and that someone will learn that sharing negative things is exhausting for other people to hear so they have to bottle it up to appear presentable.
Nobody wants to be a therapist all the time.
@@ordinarytree4678 I'm not advocating for anyone to be a 247 therapist. You have no obligation to and personally I prefer helping my friends out but I limit the amount of people I invest in so it doesn't get exhausting.
Just listening to these videos makes me feel like I’m more part of a community. So thanks for sharing these stories Dr. K! 👍🙏👏
My parents really never showed emotion or vulnerability growing up and my siblings and I were shamed whenever we did. Fast forward I’m 20 and my biggest struggle is connecting to others. I don’t know how to process emotion or to show them bc it’s unfamiliar to me. I’ve always thought it was admirable to be unchanged it made me feel safe? But now I don’t know how to open up idk how to have casual conversations or to even just talk about myself. I feel like being quiet and going through the motions is all I’ve ever done. I’m working on myself tho and I’m getting okay at faking it but I want genuine connection but I never feel safe enough to be honest in my fear of rejection. I’ll potentially update y’all after 1 year of actively trying. Wish me luck🍀
Luck is wished. Congratulations on actively trying to solve your problems. Even if you don't know how to go about it, recognising that you have an issue and consciously trying to solve it is already a major achievement! Not to say you should stop there though. Wishing you all the best!!
Edit: If you haven't already or are looking for where to start, Learning about attachment theory might be a good place to start (Thais Gibson and Heidi Prieb are well informed and really good at explaining it). Sounds like you're facing DA problems. Learning about it was a major breakthrough for me as I struggled with some of what you mentioned about never really showing emotion or vulnerability. I hope this helps you too 😇
Once more, all the best m8
Tho my case wasn’t that extreme my parents didn’t shame me per day but they would freak out or not have the capacity to handle big emotions. My brother during his youth had extreme mood swings and he would get severely punished if he lashed out too much tho. Luckily my parents never shamed him for crying tho i felt I had to be the strong one and not ever cry or show weakness bc I thought they dealt with it enough with my brother. Unfortunately the consequences of that is now that I’m over 30 I struggle dealing with my emotions and I feel like I’ve become even. More emotional unstable over the years but im working hard on it. Improvements are minimum but perhaps in another 20 years if I work at it I’ll finally be mature at the right age lol
update?
Same
when she said „It‘s like I don‘t even exist“, I felt that. I hope she will be seen for the person she is. I think you need a lot of honesty, reflection, and even strength to tell your story like that.
im a south korean guy in a predominantly white country and i feel pretty similar. all the people who have ever shown interest in me did so solely because of my race. after this happened 3 or four times ive had to begin vetting peoples favourite songs, shows, and graphic novels for anything korean. ive been conditioned to cringe at the sight of anything that connects me to my culture. worse than when korean culture wasnt as big and i would get bullied for the food i brought to school and the haircuts my mum would give me.
Why are you uncomfortable with being connected to your culture? Or seeing other people enjoy aspects of it? Genuinely curious--I can understand the fetishization to a degree but for me, that's different from someone who has a genuine interest in things of my culture. I'd rather that then a racist or someone who's not open to other cultures at all..
With the virality of Korean culture right now, I get what you mean. I hope you find people who really see your personality and not your race, man. Also, the haircut thing hahah I'm also Asian so I relate a lot to the short bob hairstyle every Asian kid had 😂
"How many people does it take to ruin your day/life"
Exactly one person. No more, no less. Me.
Absolutely true and it sucks!