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What if they think I'm Boring?
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- Опубликовано: 5 июл 2022
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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19:57 - Reddit Post
21:58 - You don't have to be like this forever
25:00 - Only worth it for 'serious conversations'
28:17 - How do you have fun interactions?
30:14 - Body language and non-verbal signalling
34:03 - Having a good time yourself
38:22 - Projective Empathy
41:58 - Pitfalls
43:45 - You can't make someone have fun
47:15 - Questions
────────────
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My biggest trap is assuming that no one is interested in what I have to talk about. And so I don’t. Trying to allow myself to be open to talking about stuff that interests me while maintaining awareness of how others respond
omfg this is too true
You have to be OK with being yourself and just talking. Sometimes people WILL find you boring and if you notice that then you stop talking so much and don't take it personally. Ask people questions about themselves instead. It's a skill to talk to people, you only get better by practicing.
While I acknowledge that people are here to LEARN how to be ‘better,’ myself included, I think “maintaining awareness of how others respond” is the wrong approach. I would personally rather have that be background information and not at the forefront of my mind. If people don’t like me, that’s on them.
@@thewiseowl8804 I agree that how others perceive you isn't the most important thing but it's good to at least be aware
@@therepublicrestored eh I don’t think it’s that important. As long as you’re not doing something to get you imprisoned or explicitly publicly ridiculed.
this question gets asked so much but i never see the opposite: what if I think THEY’RE boring?
You are responsible for your own emotions. So if you are bored in a certain group, it is your responsibility to maybe ask the group "im bored, wanna do something?" Etc, or exit the group and go do something less boring.
Yeah, I swear half the time I'm being expected to carry the conversation and being judged because I'm not good at talking to someone who replies "yes" and "no" to everything.
same lol.. or they are exited and explain lvl1 layer of something your deep in for years
Lol this was literally my first thought when I saw the title
@@MassMultiplayer Knowledge in topics is not a competition (Unless it is literally a competition). If someone just read the first harry potter book and they are exited about it, and you have read all of the books multiple times, you can either look down on them and think to youself "what a pleb", or "what a n00b, he has only read one HP book, ive read all of them!" or then alternatively you can connect with them and ask them what they liked about the book, who was their favourite charecter etc.
"If your goal is to have fun with people, you have to have fun yourself" -- Absolutely. this is the answer to so many of the social/dating questions I see on the HG subreddit.
So many peeps are focused on orchestrating scenarios for the other person without even considering if they'll be having fun themselves. I'd rather hang with someone enthusiastic about dirt than someone who's bored at a club.
It's easy to fall into that trap, though. So much of social skill training comes down to focusing on the other person. Asking them questions about themselves, showing interest in what they're saying, etc. Just whatever keeps them talking and ensures they have a good time. Not a whole lot about you. It's all about them, them, them, as if your own feelings in the situation don't even matter.
@@shawntco You can also have fun talking about what they want to talk about. If you find a joke amusing about what they're saying then it can make the conversation fun. Also if you never talk about yourself, I find the other person gets bored anyway. It's all about finding balance imo.
Easy to say and harder to say/know how to have fub yourself
Officer, this comment right here,
This is the best one!
@@shawntco True, but! - asking questions you're not interested in hearing the answers to is also kinda silly.
Almost everything my peers find "fun" I find boring and uninteresting, I used to force myself to go to such events but in the end I gave and exactly 3 ppl stuck with me and I'm grateful for that at least now I know who actually is there for me and for some mindless boring "fun"
i agree. this sort of thing can be useful for short talk or save face to not make your self stand out from the crowd but in the end its the people with shared values, interest, mutual understanding and the like who matters most.
This. I tried to be more "outgoing" and went to parties and social events, but there was very little to do there except for getting drunk. And even when I was drunk, I still had very little to do.
With that kind of attitude, I probably wouldn't want to hang out with you either
@@phosspatharios9680
"There was very little to do" sounds like a personal problem. Is talking (and learning) about new people not something to do with almost infinite depth? How many possibilities can open up in a single decent conversation?
@@-Collin yes, provided people are interested in conversating. I'm not the only person who gets one-word responses when trying to talk to people, and when talked to, the conversation dies as soon as the starter topic is exhausted.
But those days are over. I found the perfect venue for interacting with people: churches. Also I suspect God has been taking my internal monologues as prayers, because the amount of Synchronicity I experience is much greater than in my pre-conversion times. I guess I found the perfect conversation partner.
Truly not depending on others validation for your own self worth is irreplaceable. I spent my 20's learning to not be boring and engaging and i generally say it worked, i'm good at engaging with people, i can make them laugh, hold a conversation, maintain eye contact etc. and at least SEEM confident, but it can be very exhausting. Im too scared often to let myself just be - or even know how to do that, so i try and try and may not even deeply connect with anyone, but hey at least they dont think im shy and weird, and it can be rare to truly have fun speaking to someone. After interactions like these i need to retreat to my cave for a week to be on my own before i can do that again. This stops me from regularly seeing people to actually make friends, im afraid the mask will crack and i'll have nothing to say.
congrats for the progress
Watch julien blanc. Learn to drop the front
@@ren.8137 Im sure i'll need more than this, but he has good points, thanks.
One of my biggest achievements in life was realizing that it’s okay if I’m not the funniest or wittiest or warmest. My life got infinitely better when I learned how to just let the social situation develop and evolve as it will.
If you have to wear a mask around some people, then these people are not worth being around.
Dr. K talking to chat like they're a bunch of little kids: "What are you doing?"
Me: *starts to smile and laugh.*
The older I get the more I realize that adults need all the the things kids do, they just don't want to admit it.
wdym
This makes me wonder ...is this why kids are great at making friends?
They aren't in their own head wondering if the other person is having fun or not...
They genuinely laugh and ask questions that they don't understand.
@@siddhanthravichandran3245 Yes, but also the key is less judgement: You're a kid of a similar age --> let's do this thing together --> we do this thing together.
As we get older, the response to step 2 isn't so automatic. Lots of objections arise, all surrounding not wanting to do this thing, no matter how good or bad the reason.
P.S. When Doc did the giggly smiley crap, I did not at all feel good. I felt patronized. I don't agree with his theory at all: When I talk about something I'm interested in, it completely depends on the audience. There are open, empathetic people who do generally follow what he describes. But my experience is much more often people demonstrate--whether bluntly or veiled--their disinterest or otherwise squash whatever I said and turn to something else.
Absolutely agree on the side-point about how experience doesn't necessarily make a good doctor. I've regularly gone to the dentist all my life, but not until I got a new and inexperienced dentist did I actually get some very detailed advice on how to maintain my dental health. The older more experienced dentists just seemed to assume that stuff to be common knowledge, or they were just tired of educating people again and again after being active for so many years. It's all about how you apply yourself. As my sport nerd brother once told me, if you train yourself using the wrong technique, you're just going to get better at doing things wrong.
To quote the great Gianni:
“why did they stop talking to me?
Am I boring?”
“Am I *Italian?”*
That is the better question
"Why are you so quiet?"
Why would you ask someone that, it's rude. You don't want to have someone asking you "Why do you talk so much", do you?
@@Dimitris_Half In that case, I think it would be easier and better to just say what you mean. By that I mean, directly ask "Is everything alright?" and "Do you mind introducing yourself?" Despite the good intentions, the question can still be regarded as rude. Why not use the alternatives you came up with? They are less likely to be interpreted badly.
Unfortunately not many friend groups are that nice to ask these questions
lmfao
"Everyone asks introverts to get out of their comfort zone. Nobody asks the extroverts to shut the fuck up for five minutes so the zone is comfortable."
Very good question. Who the fuck thought it's a good idea to normalize asking about reasoning behind being quiet?
I've been watching a lot of Dr.k's videos over the past year and just got in a long term relationship with the help of following the advice and it's been working out so far beyond any of my expectations. Thanks Dr. K!
I have some personal experience
I was with a group of people and just had a small relaxed smile I would barely speak but when I did I spoke in a calm soft voice butI rejected their drinks since I do not drink
At the end I asked them if they had fun and I said "Im glad to hear that"
They went and told everyone how its nice to be with me and how im not actually an ass since Im always quiet
And whats more is when someone said something about me as in whats up with him they would answer them with hes a good dude hes just calm and mature
:)
Aww
sure would've been life changing if these vids (and YT) existed when I was in high school
I had no guidance & was anxious a lot, so I got all the bad rumors 😅
Yet another perfectly timed, perfectly related topic by Dr. K. Love this man, he's helped a lot!
20:11 this is the impossibly difficult part for me, as somebody with adhd and probably asd.
I don't have that magical ability to know what other people are thinking, I don't know the arcane language of tiny facial cues, I have a lot of trouble reading tone of voice.. I do my best to figure that stuff out, but it takes a huge amount of conscious effort and focus - effort and focus that now has to be split between what I'm talking about and trying to decipher the code of other people's reactions to what I'm talking about.
The few times I risk talking about something that interests or excites me, I focus on what I'm saying too much and completely miss all the signs that everyone is just wishing I would shut my mouth already.
The safest option always ends up being just shutting the hell up and letting other people talk, but then it's like what is even the point of me being present in the conversation when I'm not bringing anything of value to it aside from occasional "I'm listening" noises.
(Also adhd)for me even tho i may read well bodylanguage, when i start talking i just switch 100% focus on what im talking and only notice what they are sygnaling me (like "wana say something") in time they started to be little irrytated
Btw i wana ask - how do you feel your not getting bodylanguage corelates with adhd - i dont have much problem other than forgetting about it but i had lot of exp in talking or something so idk
Sounds like you just aren't interested in other people
@@piotrlatuszek171 i'm not sure if it's the adhd or the asd, but _something_ makes it incredibly hard to figure out social cues like that. Other people don't seem to struggle with it nearly as much as I do.
@@terminaldeity I _am_ interested in other people, the problem is getting them interested in me. There's only so far being a good listener can take me, I have to contribute something to the conversation and I'm not good at that.
i feel that 100%. It takes everything out of me to just properly listen to and digest what they are saying and all the additional layers of how to make a conversation go well is completely thrown out the window when theres no natural intuition from having been the quiet kid no one wanted to hang with for years and years
Seeming rude or disintetested is also something others have flat out told me to my face when i was actually super interested and really wanted to talk to someone more from my perspective because of all this
This is so relevant to me because I feel exactly the same, that people only come to me for deep conversation or to feel heard. It’s how i made most of my friends. One friend in particular, i got really attached to her when we first started talking, because of how well we vibed, I guess. But as time passed, i started feeling stressed whenever she was around, because she once told me that I was an ‘introvert-style’ friend to her, that she’d never experienced that type of friendship before. Since she said that, our friendship became strained (at least on my end), cuz it felt like she’d told me i was only good for the deep stuff. And she had other friends for fun. I definitely withdrew a bit and stopped talking as much to her as i felt i was giving too much. Naturally, she got closer to other people in my friend group, the people to whom fun and ribbing each other come naturally. I started feeling even more alienated because i just couldn’t laugh when everyone around me seemed to be having the time of their lives. I’ve been getting better at relaxing in social situations, but sadly am still unable to reach that level of closeness with her, being one-on-one with feels like I’m being judged and compared to the fun friends and that makes me uncomfortable.
Lol this got so long, but this video has given me a lot of clarity about what changed in our dynamic.
The initial question in the video definitely resonated with me as well. I noticed that it also makes new friendships more difficult as well. In college I had a group of people i hung out with because we were always in the common area and we were a pretty decently close group of people. After i got out of college and we grew apart, i've just kind of been on my own, and i'm fine with that. I've gone to social events and I'm not uncomfortable walking up to people and introducing myself either, and I don't get anxious about it but, as the OP in the video says...nothing comes to mind. I like talking with people and it's a relief when a conversation gets going that finally has some momentum, but it's generally not me who's propelling it, so I'm interested to see what this video has to offer
Big yes to the final point about stimulating conversations being easier when you don't share interests/knowledge. One of my best friends is someone who's hugely into history and religion, so when I first met him, he'd talk about that a lot, and I, being someone with only general knowledge about those subjects, found it immensely interesting. I had some decent knowledge about philosophy and ideology, though, so I were able to connect it with that and teach him some things in return.
To this day, he's still one of my favourite people, partially because some of my fondest memories with him are drinking parties, just the two of us, talking about everything from working out, science, philosophy, religion, history, gaming, esotericism, music to pop culture, comic books, cooking and a bunch of other stuff for 8-10 hours straight. It's some of the most stimulating conversations I've ever had.
I usually just put in practice the best advice I have ever received: "smile" :)
And then go on from there, there's little to lose, just keep smiling.
dr.k you're honestly such a fucking life saver, thank you. as someone who struggles with low self worth and confidence this really made me try and look at it differently and definetely helps. thank you dr. k!
Oof, this one really hits home. A lot of bad experiences with being boring. Can’t wait to dig in!
It's easy to get fall into one of the extremes, which is being either completely self-absorbed, or focusing on others. It's because you fear being one extreme and overcompensate to the other. Eg. you fear that you are selfish, so you tug away all your feelings and only focus trying to make the other person have fun. The problem is that then you are only conforming to others and not really being yourself. The other possibility is that you never learned the social skill and have always been absorbed in your own world (and while it's unbalanced, it's not always bad). Or have some sort of history that creates an overwhelming need to assert yourself and your feelings.
The most balanced way is to do both in a back and forth pattern. This gets into detail that's up to interpretation, but I'd say, you can't be simultaneously both outwardly attentive and self-absorbed very well, or it ends up awkward and hollow. A better way is to kind of oscillate between the states, like have a burst of self-indulgence and then giving the turn to the other "player". Depending on the situation, you don't have to have balanced turns. If the other player doesn't want to take the turn, you may continue taking turns, or you can give the other person most of the turns if it seems like they need it. In the long run, who takes the turns can define the relationship. It doesn't necessarily have to be perfectly balanced, but good rule of thumb is that you should at least try to have both to some capacity.
Hopefully this will help some people…
What’s hard about playing games for a long time and then trying to socialize more irl is that most people don’t give nearly as much of a shit about video games as you do. Not an insult just the truth.
But what makes games so easy to talk about? Why is it easy to have “gamer friends” online? Simple answer, because you all share the experience of gaming together. It’s a common activity you all enjoy.
Imagine if someone was in a community of people who only watch curling tournaments all day, and then you talk to them and they either only talk about curling or don’t say anything. Yeah…that wouldn’t be very interesting to you. Not to hate on curling, but if you mostly do and talk about one thing that most people don’t care about as much as you, that’s gonna be the result. Boring.
It doesn’t mean YOU are boring as a person, it means you just need more stuff to talk about.
So the short answer is you have to try other things that you can talk about with others. Maybe listen to a new album, try rock climbing, go on a road trip or something. Things you enjoy that you can also relate to others with.
I’m not saying this to dunk on gamers. I’m only saying this because I went through it myself. Trust me it’s way easier to make friends and have things to talk about if you do so through a shared activity that you can relate to people with outside of your bubble.
Good luck my friends.
Actually really good advice
this is clearly true, but how long does it take to experience enough to have the topics and speaking ability pre-loaded before you ever talk to someone...
answer: only God knows, because you were supposed to experience enough as a child/teen and develop it. Even worse, kids/teens don't have the time burden of a job and have infinitely more opportunities to socialize, and a lot of them STILL struggle, so what makes you think giving anyone this advice this late in the game will matter?
edit: sometimes I forget this channel is mostly 16 year-olds lol. They still have plenty of time but if they're facing these problems they're really behind and should get on it stat.
@@Fallicacy are you ok? The original comment is trying to spread positivity and hope to those in similar situations and you want to bring your doomsday point of view to bring the entire mood down. For what? From what I glean from your comment, you are perpetuating the thought that if kids didn't get enough social interaction growing up, they need to make up for this mistake before it is too late. Did you not watch video above? Dr.K literally says how desire to "catch up" on the experiences we missed out can be the catalyst on why our future encounters don't work out. Your comment is putting pressure on people who aren't that good at talking to people which only does more harm than good. Yet you're the one to talk as if the original comment wasn't giving good advice 🙄
Don't take out your personal issues and project on random people, it's unbecoming.
@@chiderakalaji7206 why did I say that? Because I am hopeless and would like to bring others down with me.
@@Fallicacy Ok.
So when you decide to do something with your life to achieve happiness, try to remember bringing other people down isn't going to do that. But if you want to stay miserable, by all means, keep doing what you are doing.
I'm just reminded of a meme where the person that says English is not his/her first language has the most eloquent vocabulary in an online forum
Read a week ago in Dr. K's video, where a dude had the impeccable wording skills, i found it hard to believe it is his second language
That's because they actually study the language unlike us native speakers. We get the "flow" of our language and understand it instinctually. Non native speakers have to learn how the language works and also a lot more words than what's spoken normally.
So naturally they become better english speakers and writers than native speakers.
@@CaptainGrapifier Neither Danes nor Frenchmen speak English natively. Danes on average have more English proficiency than Frenchmen [I guess specifically more Danes meet or exceed some threshold level, e.g. "can converse in English and make themselves understood", "knows X words", whatever].
_Having_ to put in X amount of effort to reach Y level of proficiency is not the same as _putting_ in the effort. And the required amount of effort probably varies as a function of how English-like your native language is (Danish > French > Russian). How much effort-of-a-sort you put in depends on how much English your hear in your everyday life: more if movies are subbed, less if they're dubbed; more if you're in NATO, less if you're in the Warsaw pact, etc.
I’ve answer this to myself a lot, because it’s not that I’m boring, I’m just weird and people get uncomfortable the more comfortable I get in the environment. I tend to be hyperactive and (this is accidentally) I talk over people and give my opinion when they’re talking about something I was feeling excluded from. I can’t read people well and I tend to overcompensate when I’m trying to make friends, which makes people don’t want to engage with me. Pretty rough, but if the opposite happens and I don’t talk to not annoy them, then I’m boring 🙄
aye a small tipp from someone with adhd when someone speaks listen and breathe conciously when they start talking u have to conciousy have to decide to breathe. this will stop talking over
Learn to shut up
"What if they think I'm boring?"
I'd embrace my "boring"ness, one or two people will stick to me and find my "boring"ness fun and appreciate the same "boring" stuff I do eventually. The hard part is waiting.
?
Absolutely this. I've always had only couple of people I want to spend free time with. Then I went to uni for a second round of studies in a different field. There I found the group I suddenly wasn't boring in anymore. At 30, for the first time ever, I found a large group of my peers that I share a good chunk of interests with, and now I'm constantly getting invited to places and having fun myself.
These videos always come at the PERFECT time for me to reflect on the mistakes I just made
11:25 oh my Gosh, I started smiling and then laughing till I had tears in my eyes. This truly was fun, I loved this sm
Interesting, because it just seemed creepy to me
I've literally been having this thought for the last few days, thank you so much!!
More often than not, if others think that you are boring, it is because you think that conversations should be all about you. You think being interesting is that you have to witty, intelligent, well informed. This does not make other people think that you are interesting. To be interesting, an individual has to show genuine interest in others. Ask about the people you know or meet open ended questions, questions where the answer is not yes or no. Even asking why someone is interested in a particular sport, or why they most like one season of the year, or what kind of books or movies they like can yield very interesting results. Or if the individuals are on a more cerebral level, ask about what they love about their major or the period of history that they find most interesting. The surprising thing is that most people do have very interesting stories to tell once you stop trying to be the center of attention. Listen to the answer and follow up with more questions and then start to talk about yourself. This is not rocket science.
My trick is:
I just imagine that out of the perspective of a giant, everyone is just like a little chip munk.
This perspective helps me reduce social anxiety because I feel like everything matters less (in a good way).
I have trouble in this area for a few reasons:
1. People see me as lame/virgin. About 80% of conversations in the past has ended with people calling me “lame” or they ask if I’m a virgin.
2. I don’t feel good enough right now to be in “normal relationships.” Despite slowly working towards improvement I currently have nothing going for me.
3. I don’t feel like interacting most of the time.
4. If I do talk about something I’m interested in like philosophy I ramble and that annoys some people.
Mostly this is because you're not hanging around with the right people. You got to find people who value you for what you can offer - philosophical/intelligent conversation. I'm the same. These days I'm confident enough to not speak a single word in work socialize situation because I know I don't find their conversation about soccer/love island interesting and I got nothing to offer in that kind of conversation. I accept that I'm considered "boring" in that environment. Key word = environment. Find an environment / people that enjoy that same conversation and you'll have a good time. Find people who accept you that don't enjoy the other stuffs.
Finding good friends in modern day is difficult. That's the truth. And the only way to do that is expose yourself somewhat. Online is a good way I guess, but if you crave for physical friendship, then you just have to brace yourself for rejection in real life, but you'll also reject others as well, for the lack of compatibility. This is important to remember. Compatibility. If there is no potential for good compatibility, you should move on and find someone else.
People tell you you are lame... To your face?!?!?!
honestly I think the problem isn't entirely on you, I've never met a group of friends that would unironically call other people lame or even ask if they're a virgin. But then again I don't know what kind of conversation you guys were having.
@@novictim mainly behind my back but yes I can remember once or twice to my face
you're just in the wrong environment or with the wrong people to talk about these stuff with and thats ok, don't beat yourself up about this. you just have to find the right type of people, friends to connect and be happy with it. i've already tried to shape myself to adapt in certain kind of groups but that affects you negatively in the long run.
hope this little advice helps you
Oh my, that laughter at 17:10 is gonna haunt me. Good topic
Thank you very much for this talk as it highlights the responsibility of yourself to any conversation, developing your skill and perspective to participate and insure mentally available to engage people in a both meaningful but also 'fun way'
Stay out of my brain with these uploads lmaooo
But nah for real I love your work plz don’t ever stop
The curse of being raised as the family Mascot: our job was to entertain in order to manage the emotions of the adults around us, not to have fun for ourselves... now we're not exactly sure what fun is...
I've always seen myself as shy and introvert and always wondered why I was bad at talking. But one time I took a IQ-test and the results told me both IQ and how long time it took for me to get an answer compared to others. The result told me that it took longer time for me to get a conclusion than others. That was truly mind-blowing. Suddenly all the pieces came together : i was "bad" at talking because I was still processing what other people was saying when others were done and kept the conversation going. They were done processing, I was not. It all made sense, I guess I always knew that I wasn't done processing it all but I thought everyone else was the same. Once I got the results it made it more easy to working on my social skills and at the same time to be kind to myself.
What i learned early in my social quest is everyone loves a good story. So whenever I see someone I'm interested in or wanna be friends with, I always have some kind of anecdote, joke or cool story when I see them. Doesn't matter if u tell the same story multiple times, make sure it gets better everytime u tell it. Always come in with big energy and they will return it. "In order to receive love, you must first learn to give it"
I had the most biggest smile at 11:30. Had not smiled like that in a while
I needed this, thank you 😊
I find boredom in a thing way more tolerable if I tell myself I am experimenting and say I wanted to give it a try.
I also think it helps a lot to justify or explain why I had fun/boredom, done in a measurable and more precise way.
11:20 was scary man. I wasn’t even looking at the video, I was listening to it as if it was an audio book, but I could *hear* him smiling, and I too, smiled. Human beings are weird
Ive tried that before, asking people about what they like but even then it sounded awkward to them, like it should have been something I should already know. And asking too much is detrimental too. So you have to know what "too much" is.
I often end up going into social gatherings thinking I'll hate them and almost expecting to, so it's a self-fulfillling thing. These settings are inherrently stressful and trigger my anxiety, so it can be hard to even fake an interest in anything anyone is saying.
Can doc read my mind wtf. I was thinking about this problem and he dropped a vid on it. Thanks
my advice for those who struggle with receptive empathy: keep what you say to the most salient points. Let the other person ask for details if they're way into what you're talking about. Like, in general, just let those questions drive the conversation. Otherwise just quit while you're ahead.
Could you maybe elaborate that a little more? I feel pretty socially inexperienced so a big part of the struggle is finding "the right moment" to ask questions about the others or to stop talking about what interests me. Because of the lack of intuition it's difficult to keep track of stuff like this and notice it while paying attention and digesting what the other person is generally saying to me
I think (not a psychologist) that your doing really well by trying to take in and digest what everyone is saying, but if your worried about where to come in or if you’re saying too much, the stressed out cues will come up to everyone around you as you’re trying to think of what to do. I would suggest, at your next social function, to play the quiet and somewhat reclusive card, so that you can sit back and observe how better adapted socialites preform in a group scenario (you might even be surprised, people may come up to you with questions). It’s definitely going to feel weird, but try to learn what you can and don’t give up!
@@rowanmcintosh5641 I always thought that i was quiet but turns out I picked bad moments to speak. In general, I do better not talking and paying the shy card. But I decided to sound dumb anyways when speaking. Honestly they both are bad strategy because people either think I'm dumb or quiet. So I learned that I needed to learned the social norms better. Now I fair alot better and I can think of things to say that makes since in convo
Yeah, I know it changes from person to person, but I wonder if there's been any scientific studies on a sentence/word count where people's attention most commonly drops
I guess there's always the One Punch Man standard of 20 words or less
@@Rhodair it's based on how engaging you are.
17:18: This gave me flashbacks from every "fun" company event I was forced to attend
OH, that reminds me: how the heck do I commiserate with and comfort others by more than just saying “that sucks”
As soon as he started smiling, only then did I realise why family and old friends always told me to smile more.
Thank you, dr K, for videos about communication, they teach me how to be a proper human being
The worst is when you genuinely want to learn something about an interest you don't share with a group and the consensus you get back when you ask them to explain it is "idk Google it lmao"
That's mad rude. Especially if you're open-minded about a different you not used to enjoy
Man I can relate to that person a lot, just that many people find me, boring so they do not give chance to form deeper connection.
This talk changed my life
ooh I love seeing all the lamps turned on in the background, that warm glow of just the right color temperature and wattage of LED bulbs
That thumbnail is pure terror. I’ll take a night in a haunted mausoleum over standing in that crowd😱
This entire video reminds me of the Nathan For You episode where Nathan tracks how much fun a guy is having to prove that he's his friend.
Thanks for covering this!
Your videos are talking about most of my biggest problems and insecurities, so it's been a lot easier to get rid of them now!
Just wanted to say, you had a huge impact in my life (for the better). Thank you so much
These thumbnails are always so spot-on xD
Number one way to trigger someone who is quiet or introverted is to ask "why are you so quiet"
Because I am. You're loud. I'm quiet. They're tall, I'm short. We all built different lads.
The correct response is "Well, I can't plan a murder out loud can I?" :D
@@shawntco with a creepy smile ,,🙂
this was such a helpful video and I think the title does it a misjustice I almost didn't click it
Lol I learned that I'm funny when I'm just me I make people laugh when they get the hang of my persona (sarcasm) . So I don't bother making joke I just comment on dumb questions they ask and give sarcastic answers and they find it funny to the point that they even try predicting what I'm going to say half the time after giving a statement , and it make me laugh because half the time I wasn't even going to saying anything.
So just be yourself, and learn social skill if needed because being social is something you learn it doesn't come naturally .
Having fun yourself - I can see why streaming became a thing. Most streamers start out just playing games or doing their own thing but make it available for people to join in if they want, thus filtering out those conflict (between the streamer who is having fun, and those who don't find that activity fun). It is a good way to network and find friends, albeit online, with those who enjoy the same thing, and share that fun (with the right people).
Oh the silent was so good I laughed out loud
Boring is subjective.
"It's possible to learn something substantial from every single person you meet"
This assumes that people are willing to share information that you deem interesting.
In most cases of reality, they will only share surface level information in order to not "try to hard"/out of comfort, trust, security, other situational factors.
Dr. K says you shouldn't be trying to hard as well so this paradoxically results in no "interesting" information being presentable to both parties.
Unfortunately, he never addresses this.
This assumes that the only way you can learn something from someone is by explicitly asking them a question. Chances are, you can probably learn something from how they talk and move, what they choose to focus on with their eyes or in conversation, or what choice of words they use, etc
Okay this was really cool, how do I relax idk 😂
Dr K assumes I would get bored of listening to him talk about space turtles and their little legs
It doesn't matter if they think you're boring. Do you think you're boring? Then do something, if not, then don't. Don't change for the sake of other people's opinions.
The think is that It does matter. No one wants to be around people who feel forced to listen to them. Sometimes, you gotta find an enviroment in which you fit and other times, you have to make a concious change.
Wish it were that easy
Adulting is boring
I would really love to have a link to any of those studies on doctors not being good based on their experience. It very much agrees with my own experience and I would like to read more.
Your advices are always on point,tysm Dr K
17:22 Lmao I had FFX Tidus laughing flashbacks
when you said you have to have fun for it to be fun i felt kind of sick in my stomach because interaction is not fun for me anymore.i 'm boring and people are boring. i am good at being emotionally understanding so people like me sometimes but i'm realising its hard for me to like people.
38:15 There are moments where I feel like I'll get judged for not knowing something or people will look down on me. I've had lots of circumstances where this has happened. How can I tell if this is a problem with me or just people being too judgemental?
There's always going to be something someone doesn't know about. Never let that define your worth as far as the worry of people looking down on you goes. The cool people usually won't care if theres something you aren't knowledgeable about and just talk about it if its something you seem interesting in. Saying things like "I heard something about that. Whats that about?" Can go a long way into keeping a conversation going and expanding to different talking points.
The best way to increase your chances of not knowing stuff is to always be learning, but you'll never know everything there is to talk about, and I'd avoid pretentious people that look down on you for not knowing about shit they like to talk about.
I don't think I'm boring, I just think there's a lot of different factors to what makes people interesting. If the person thinks you're boring, that's more on them. Most people don't understand the concept of common interests and lack of general compatability when first investing time/energy into someone and will generally tend to project that insecurity on to others by calling them "boring" when they themselves just don't want you to think that they are. I've accepted and have empowered the idea that 99% of the time I'm doing normal "boring" every day adult tasks that revolve around my own personal responsibilities so I've started to improve my personality around those types of subjects as that's what I spend the majority of my time doing.
every topic i try to bring up to people always gets shot down because im an autist and i dont like what they do, it just makes me look like a geek, not a fun guy, it also really dosent help with the whole "being empathetic" thing when your brain is literally wired to not do that well
ive needed this video for a long, long time
When i am drunk
It is easy to express my thoughts
That laugh made me think of the infamous Tidus and Yuna laughing scene.
Whether your life or interests is boring to someone else entirely depends on the person you are talking to in my opinion. People have interest themselves and are therefore preconditioned to be interested in certain parts of your life more so than others, as well as may not find any of your interests interesting or your life interesting. Generally, though, the feeling of interest is relatable. So while you might be interested in other things, people can still relate to your level of interest, and they can still appreciate it the fact that you are interested. I think the concept of boring comes about in the sensation that nothing comes to mind we could add to an conversation that would be off interest. We imagine ourselves to be bored, but the sheer lack of what we have to say. To want to be interesting may just be a craving for acceptance and respect. That's my 2 cents at least
This was quite educational Dr. K, thank you
talking about "Vibing" there is something I forgot about my circle. I'm in the wrong circle, I'm not vibing with their tihngs and they're not vibing with my things. It's so true that the only way is to walk away.There are friends whom I tried to correct them because my "obligation" or you can called it "ego" tell me that I should help them. But the fact that they're not willing to listen and always come up with excuses is enough to proved that they "don't need" my assistance. I should focus on myself and vibing with myself until I found a circle that would vibing with me later on.
Alan Watts said something like "A person who is interesting is a person that is interested"
Man, oh man, oh man… would I have loved to have THIS video available when I was in college!! Unfortunately, I had to figure this shit out on my own, but eventually it all fell into place.
This thumbnail’s hilarious tho
What if people have been telling me I'm boring my whole life? My nickname in high school was a world that rhymes with my last name and means "dull", "uninspiring", and "stupid", "foolish".
I'd play it off like you're in on the joke. My last name was also made fun of and I did the same thing. But the trick is to play it off only when it's relevant to the conversation and don't overuse it. I'll joke about my last name once every few months with my friends and that's it.
@@rivervaughanmusicstuff5771 if you do that there are two options: It works (unlikely), then they find something else to nag you with, or it doesn't work, then they'll just stick with it. Even if you genuinely don't provide them any satisfaction, it would take months to make them stop. Because in either case they'll try harder if something doesn't work. You never get bullied for the reasons the bullies tell you. It's always about you. Mostly your neurodivergence, lack of social skills, minority status, whatever.
Being boring is a reliable way to get bullied. And you need to see it from their perspective, you are doing harm to them if they don't try to cast you out. It was the same for me in my childhood. Back then I thought how horrible those children (more than half of the class, of course) were to me, without realizing how I horrible I was to them...
Do people actually think they’re boring that often?
I always thought the issue was that most men had a little bit too much to say and hence they had to suppress it.
As in the “I realise I’m weird so I will shut the fuck up“ kind of way.
Which is, like, pretty problematic by itself but also sort of the exact opposite of “being boring”.
want to be fun around people ? Have fun with yourself. The first dozens times it was cringey and there was silence. Then I kept going. It became natural. The best experiences I had with people is when I had fun. When I was at parties and expect other people to make the fun for me was the time I had a shit time.
Say the stupidest thing. Say whatever crosses your mind and BE absolutely completly unapologetic.
Social interactions is a learning process. Men who were bullied young have a hard time doing so.
Don't be nice. Be real. Have fun for you ! You don't give a shit about others people's perceptions. It'll work. Keep pushing.
this practise by talking to a kid about random stuff they find interesting is a god-tier practise tool (unless you are a stranger lmao) - learnt so much about how to approach people and start a conversation from my two nieces, literally mind boggling
Maybe you need to study the topics most people are interested in some more. Helps with not asking stupid ass questions almost nobody would ask...
When ur at social events and ur the type of person who gets in their own head and forgets what they’re interested in and therefore struggles to start and maintain conversations. Just remind yourself that you’re there to have fun. Does wonders and helps me let go of all that self-inflicted and self-limiting anxiety. Also, just keep a few recent events on the back burner, so if u choke at the critical moment you just pull one out the archives. Also remember that you’re probably no more boring then the other people there; you’re just assuming they’re doing better then you because they look more comfortable then your feel.
This is great advice bro 👍🏿
Exactly.. i think social media is also Influencing this a lot....
You see ppl constantly travelling , doing adventure sports , partying etc.
You come to think that most ppl out there are leading some high octane action packed lifestyle.
Accept that most others are NORMAL ...just like you.
And most of them are mundane ppl
Charisma on command
What if you can have fun with people. But generally many times you need something to do, like playing a game with them, walking in the nature, doing something except only talking?
Relax
Don't do it
When you want to go to it
Relax
Don't do it
When you want to have FUN!
Suggesting the topic about hardships building any relationships with smb who dosen't want to learn, nor little things, nor big ones, like own emotions and reactions
Just have fun 🙂
This is one of the few videos from Dr. K that doesn't apply to me.
I'm extremely confident they won't find me boring.
Entertaining? Eccentric? Hilarious? Oftentimes, yes.
Off-putting/too brooding? Occasionally.
An edgy asshole that's too irreverent and doesn't actually care about their boring bullshit? Maybe, if they're really perceptive.
Someone else already mentioned it, but the problem that arises far far more often is that I'm bored by other people, and while I can pretend I'm not, and can go along and make other people feel like they're smart & funny in social situations for the sake of politeness, no actual bond is being formed and I struggle to care about people if they're too much of the same or boring/shallow.
I feel you brother
@@Vegetoyesh Thanks.
It's kinda difficult to know what to do about it.
I'll try and double down on being patient and giving people a chance to get more comfortable over time, and I'll succeed in making them enjoy being around me or have fun when I'm around, but I'll be fucking bored out of my skull.
idk what to do about it.
after trying so many times it's extremely difficult to resist giving up.
Honestly, the only way to solve this is look for different people, eventually you'll find someone who is fun and engaging, right?
@@oniichanmk7346 Perhaps, but the odds seem quite depressingly low.
Even once found, they'd then need to have enough mental issues to able to like me, but not so many that they're too dysfunctional to maintain any kind of relationship.
I'm like, 2 for 2 on those people leaving me.
And the only potential people I've found since after expanding the search via the internet are streamers so, that's not gonna work.
idk my dude
kinda just feel like I have to keep trying because the alternative is to accept hopelessness.
not going to lie, the simple fact that he is clearly faking it at 17:09 makes it inadvertently funny
And also that it reminded me of the Tidus Laugh from Final Fantasy 10
Love how this background from a classic Jimmy Tatro vid has really become a meme lol
I would like to know why would someone thing of this, is it that they find themselves boring? And how they... "cope" for the lack of a better word, with this themselves?
17:02 I laughed at it, I may have some issues
The parts where you demonstrate not being fun are actually Mister Bean or Louis De Funés kind of fun😅
What if my favorite topics are politics, religion, and finances?
I've come to the realization it's not me it's them. I have worked customer service jobs for 15 years and could have a conversation with a tree. Yet I still find myself worried when things sort of feel stale, slow or awkward. I have really started to notice this now that I've been in the dating world again.
Keep this in mind, sometimes it's the other person who's unable to hit that tennis ball back to your side of the court. It takes two to tango and you can't always be someone's entertainment.
That being said, how's everyone doing? Got anything exciting coming up?
Im pretty good honestly im in hawaii rn so im good way better than being back in wasjington USA. Where r you from?
"Human beings are empathic"... one of the reasons I feel barely Human at all...
So you can't sense if someone is pissed off or in a good mood (based on the example in the video)? Do other people's moods not affect you at all? Just curious