Now at 25 I've realized that as a child and teen all the friend groups I had, even the close ones, just formed naturally during school. I've never actually had to make the effort to get to know someone it just happened. And now I just don't know where to start as an adult. Edit: I'm sociable, if a little introverted. I can talk to people and they seem to enjoy my company. But it always stays there, enjoyable and friendly coversations that ends without a sign of deeper connection. Is it on me to state an intent to friendship? No one else seem inclined. Then I see people my age who just naturally form strong friendships, just like I did as a teen, and I quietly wonder if I'm the problem.
I don't know I'm 19 never had a deep friendship with someone all the time I had friends but for shot turm like in school when we finish school we lost touch even now in the army I had friends end lost touch with them for me deep friendship is just someone you know from a realy Young age that's it
I think its hard in this modern days and it gets harder as time goes on. With the use of internet its often easy to find groups that you can identify with. The art of making friends with a random person irl feel like a lost art. Maybe the first step is sharing something valuable yourself or even stating the obvious because we can't really make assumptions what other people think unless asking them. Also, we have to remind ourselves we are not entitled to the other's person decision and we must respect their choice after we ask.
For real though i remember in like first grade some kid i never spoke to was just like "you wanna be friends" and i said yea and he was my ride or die for like 3 years
There seems to ALWAYS be that underlying professionalism when meeting people I first get to know. Idk what else to call it but professionalism because it just shows you the polite, office-like conversations where things are always well and you speak kindly with neutral questions. “how are you, oh. awesome.”
One saying I've always liked (I think it might have been Dave Chapelle?) is "when you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative." I've tried to be totally candid and open with people that don't know me very well and they just seem to get confused or put off 90% of the time. It's dumb but it seems like you need to do the little social dance.
I have the exact problem as well, like, why am I talking to them like I am talking to my manager? I beat myself up for it every time but keep repeating the same behavior. With people I know, I am really chill - and some people might even consider me a bit childish. But when I meet someone new, it's like I am in a job interview or something. If I meet someone new in my already existing friend group (which I see very rarely anyways but that's another issue) it's a bit better, but if I go to a place where I don't know anyone, my anxiety makes me act in a way that is not myself at all. If I could just behave like myself instead of putting on this mask everything could be much easier
@@whothefckiskarma100%, I find it so hard to break past that wall and not just come across as a neutral robot, it even happens around my friends when it's 1 to 1 and it sucks
I view the distinction between child made friendships and adult made friendships as between potential vs. actualization. When children make friends, their aren't many perceptual requirements (implicit or explicit) for them. Its as simple as having a single shared interest and then having room to grow in other aspects of personality. They help each other find themselves. In adult friendships, however, their is a perceptual mountain of expectation. Both people have had their entire lives to figure out who/what they are, and more or less their own preconceived notions on how to approach people. Becoming an adult is the process of choosing which lane you want to be in. And, once there, we tend to look for other people that are going the same way as us. Which is a totally different game than kids.
Few minutes in and this is one of the most relatable sessions already "You message someone if they want to play a game, and they're like 'yeah cool', then you ask them when? and they never respond" Wow, that shit hits so close to home, it's insane
@Sanningen Bruh ppl have lives sometimes we don't respond and it's not like your doing anything deep. It's just playing video games. Yeah, it's the start of the relationship but giving up on the person just because they didn't respond is actually so immature. The onus is on you if you want to be friends with the person. Yes, it's a two-way street but that's only after you've established a real relationship. My generation is inundated with so many forms of communication that they don't even realize these forms were meant to supplement our reality not become it. This statement is equivalent to someone not hearing you when you say something then you just say never mind. Then never talk to them again.
I should say if you have ADHD there's a good chance your friends have it as well, whether they're diagnosed or not, and this can cause them to forget that they wanted to hang out with you. When you think about it you've probably done this to your friends too where you're like "yeah I want to play a game with you" and then you forget that they asked you because you had something that you were working on.
It's pretty sad that the internet is so attuned to this fake mask aesthetic where they think someone of Anne's personality is like depressed, or she's forcing shit. I don't really frequent the site much anymore, but I used to dip in and out of her streams BECAUSE she was one of the few who didn't put on some facade and just played games she liked. Hope she can come to peace with that and also find people she can vibe with, without feeling the pressures of all the Twitch bullshit that creates these odd circumstances for the streamer.
I could be wrong but because she's dealing with a lot of internalized pain over not feeling wanted she just tends to put her feelings in a box and push it aside like she mentioned, so she may be feeling more hurt then she comes across but maybe not wanting to admit that. It's the way she copes with rejection perceived or otherwise. I find its one way people with lots of pain or trauma end up coping, at least I know a few people with similar vibes to her. I really hope she can find some non-streamer friends or get lucky finding ones that aren't desperate clout-chasers and tools.
This is now the second interview i've seen Dr. K do where they came to the conclusion that it's not a wall that prevents progression, but it'smore like a tether that's snapping the person back when they stray too far into uncomfortable territory. I love that visualization. Great way to better understand the issue.
A suggestion but people in similar situation as her could try getting into circles where streamers are not recognised or they are not interested in watching streams. That way, you know that when someone talks to you, they are trying to make genuine effort to connect.
The hard part about that is that you'll have a higher chance of finding genuine people, but it's much harder to relate with them on the streaming side of things. Like I have a very solid social circle, however barely any of them know about or do content creation. because of that they can't reciprocate about really cool things that happened in the industry/online or relate with struggles of the job. This leads to a situation where you can have a really strong social life outside, but feel utter loneliness around the thing which you spend most your time doing. This podcast series is very interesting, as it shows that there are quite a lot of genuine people around who struggle with the same issues. How to make a genuine connection between those people is still a problem tho. Before Conventions would be a great place to make that connection to fellow peers, but without the it becomes hard. One day I hope I can come to a good solution to this.
this is great content. I was in therapy from 18yr-22yr old and it helped me immensely. I feel like this public display of therapy is a great way to encourage more introspection and self awareness of ones self!
@@belljo It's not therapy. Therapy is behind closed doors and often times covers more serious issues. What Doctor K is doing with his twich channel is Coaching. This is essentially letting people understand themselves better and letting people figure themselves out. While there is a case to be made for Therapists doing the same, A coach would never take in a PTSD patient, or a schizophrenic patient.
I don't think that this is an issue that is exclusive to streamers, I think this is a millenial problem and it is the result of living this 50/50 life in which we didn't have cellphones, internet, etc and all of sudden we did and everything changed. We went from playing outside and sitting down for coffee to playing games and posting to Instagram. Either way this gave me a lot to think about and relate to.
A lot of us understand the struggle. I don't think I have any friends. People may call me their friend, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It's just good to know you're not alone. I hope Anne can find a new way to deal with this.
During the pandemic I figured out most of my friendships were pretty surface level. At first we would work on online classes together but as the months went on communication completely cut off and we just havent talked in more than a year at this point.
It happened to me too. The weird thing is whenever I feel the urge to reach out I don't have the courage anymore. I automatically think I would annoy or bore them. I say to myself 'Well, they're not reaching out either, so they must not be interested in keeping the friendship.' But who knows... Maybe they think the same about me...
This one was like going out for a picnic and stepping into a landmine...I'm impressed how much dr K has learned about the cascading consequences of what's said on his platform and how he navigates it 😊
I have a confession to make: I don’t have any friends to speak of. I know many people say that, but what they usually mean is that they don’t have a lot of friends. Well, I quite literally have no friends, and although some of it might be due to social anxiety, I don’t think that’s the main problem. I just don’t have very many opportunities to form friendships. I had a falling out with my best friend from high school, so he isn’t a social option. I dropped out of college before I could form a lot of friendships. I know a lot of people make friends at work, but at this stage in my life, I’m self-employed. I’m aware that some people join classes or social groups to make friends, but living in a rural area, the opportunities for such activities are very limited, the pandemic making things even worse. I have formed several online friendships, but most of the time, the people I associate with online live too far away to meet in person. Every day, I try to think of ways I can make friends, but I just don’t know where the opportunities are hiding. I know I can’t be the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't limit your definition of friends to people that you can see irl. Sure it may cut yourself off from experiences, but you can still form firendship with people that you communicate with online.
Totally normal dude, towns are no longer communities, stores are faceless and impersonal, plus more and more people are becoming shitty and self centered, so their are not many high value areas or people to befriend in the first place. You are definitely not alone dude.
@@kingpopaul yes but they will always be inferior. Our bodies are wired for "physical" connection if you will. It's easy to feel like you're not alone when there's the internet and with online gaming it's easy to fake real social interactions. But at the end of the day, you're going to need to meet people face to face to fulfil your bodies desire for social interactions.
Awesome talk and Anne seems super cool! I resonate with the feeling of bothering others and not being included in social events, even though people say that I'm awesome and are happy that I am participating the times I'm actually there. Great stuff! Thanks Dr. K!
Even though Dr k seem to have a harder than usual time during this interview I really enjoyed it anyways. Not only is this content genuinely interesting but it's also pretty cool seeing a legitimate psychiatrist being so graceful under pressure and being so transparent about the situation. Not forgetting the fact that he is only trying to help his patient anyways. Legendary.
Man, I feel Anne on the friend thing, lol. I will work to be friends, but when I realize the other person is not inviting, not reaching out, basically we're 'friends' because I'm the one just keeping it going, I drop it off. If they let it die from there, the friendship drops all the way off. I have even had friends say "our mutual friend wishes you hung out more, you should invite them over, blah blah" to which I reply "that person has never reached out to me, so why would I do that?" I have a small handful of friends, and I decided that's enough.
The problem is that it's really hard to screen the people who arent twitch streamers, which has proved itself to be a problem in the past. And now that Healthygamer is alot bigger than it was a year ago, there is alot of people who would abuse the system or some could come on and do something really damaging.
Resonating with this interview. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I learned how to start friendships but not really maintain them. Also half-Asian, and there can be so much cultural dissonance and disconnection in that experience. I know it was incredibly confusing to me growing up, and shaped my perspectives in an unhelpful way. Working through those things now: being as up-front in my communication and taking people's words as face-value as possible. It's hard.. especially if your personal experience doesn't resemble the people you're trying to connect with. Seconding the advice mentioned elsewhere to socialize in other non-work communities. Cheers and good luck.
I moved around alot too but I never leant to make friends. Friends somehow found me. That's how I've made all my friends. It takes a long time but it works. I'm in my 2nd year of Uni and because of the pandemic I've not been able to make any friends.
ppl underestimate how significantly being mixed can affect your life in ways differently from other poc. I could immediately sense how that affected her feelings as an 'outsider' but glad it seems she is at peace with it
Right when she starts talking about being a bother to other people I already know how that feels and where it comes from. This is more deep than just relationship with other people.
@@ryno4ever433 Sure. Having to deal with bullying and neglect from parents firsthand. In short, it tends to psychologically screw you up. In your mind, no one loves you and it's all your fault for that reason. You didn't do enough or you do too much. When she started to talk about her Dad that is when it all kind of clicked together. The Dad was just a stranger. Which means she was neglected. The only time the Dad was there is when she had money. Now the fear of being annoying is the fear that she will be hated and there is no way to rectify it. Which means either she dealt with jerks like that or her parents were scornful of her. When Those problems are the reason why she can't form connections. She thinks when someone is there to hang out with her it's only because they want to use her for what she has. Then she has that fear that I will just annoy them so she doesn't say anything about it or she does and now she She's afraid of being used so she never connects with others despite her suffering. Others want to but she is afraid. The reason I understand is because I am survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. When you hear people talking like she is, you can sense where it stems from and understand it's not her fault. She was trying her best to survive with what she had to deal with at the time. She seems like a really cool person and understanding and the things that are holding her back from what she wants is the pain and emotions that are sitting in there waiting to come out. I really hope the best for her. She doesn't deserve the pain that she was dealt with.
@Lettermanization for me it never was a neglect from parents it was the entirety of the rest of the family for what I saw as no reason at all. I would literally not talk much or try to bother everyone yet felt like my uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandma's and grandpa(one died before I was born) didn't like me. I felt neglect and outcasted from my whole family so I went into the same "I don't wana bother people" ideology
Loneliness has affected EVERYONE in 2020 and we're still figuring that out in 2021. We're all dealing with a lot of TRAUMA from like, becoming more distant with our friends and family for a year. Everyone experienced SOME sort of trauma from the pandemic and many of our friends (or we ourselves) are more emotionally unavailable than ever. One thing we have to do is acknowledge that some folks: we're gonna see them a LOT less. And with the FEWER friends we still have close to us now, we have to really cherish those relationships and be generous with how we invite them into our lives. I think DrK really focused too hard on, like, the streaming conundrum.
I'm a female and have a ton in common with Ann. Also a streamer, internalize my feelings and have difficulty making friends. I would be happy to be friends with her no strings attached.
I’ve been binge watching these and it had dawned on me that he found his niche. Therapy for streamers and gamers. I had no idea how much of an outsider I was from a community until you guys start talking in gamer code😂 I love to see it.
Very relatable. I'm a 30 year old girl and gamed all my life. I've met lots of 'friends' online but are they really friends? Most of them just want to get into my pants. As for real life friends, well they come and go. You leave college, you leave uni, everyone becomes geographically dispersed and then the friendships disintegrate. Also I don't use social media like facebook, insta or twitter - I only use Discord, Steam, Bnet etc for gaming related hobbies and I wouldn't class those people are my real friends. I always feel incredibly lonely and depressed, because no one genuinely wants to be friends with me and hang out, especially other females. It's like they have their sisters and girl groups already and they just don't want to be friends with me. And male friends...well they either want more or they ditch you when they get a girlfriend. It's super rough. I feel so envious of people who are still friends with their lifelong mates from school, it must feel so soothing and nice to know someone has your back for life, no matter what.
Dr K and his infinite wisdom always comes at the right time. Right now is probably one of the best times for me to get some insights about making genuine friendships because of my own personal situation I have going on right now. There's this girl that I like but she's just getting out of a relationship what she really needs is a friend and I hope watching this interview will help highlight some aspects of friendship and deep close friendships
@ 1:03:57 Man I resonate with that so much. I gotta remember that line "The brain uses the tool that works the best, and then that tool improves with practice" Thanks Doc.
Holy crap...I've never related to someone more in my life, esp when it comes to the friend groups situation and regularly feeling excluded or bothersome. Thanks for bringing her on stream!!
As early as about 10m based on how she describes herself and the way she feels about things, it feels like we're the same person. Now I just wanna be her friend. This video really hits home. Making friends as an adult is so gd hard.
I feel like everyone experienced this as they age and it’s unfortunately rather normal, especially now with the internet. I’m stuck in the same boat where I’m in a new town and having trouble making good friends despite being really social, having almost no social anxiety whatsoever, and being a generally awesome person. And yet I’m still experiencing this same problem. You’re not alone. It’s a sign of the times, and also harder as you age. If you keep putting yourself out there, someone like you will come around and you’ll suddenly have a new friend. Just don’t give up trying, the world is strange right now, but connection can and does happen!
It's a societal problem, after school everyone is on their grind and you are either helping them gain resources (transactional) or not which makes you competition aka the enemy. Socialising is networking now and if it is not then it's seen as a waste of time.
3 minutes in and resonating already. Deep vs surface level friendships. First year university in residence was the loneliest year of my life. Nothing is more lonely than being around a bunch of people and feeling out of place or incompatible.
I've seen some different perspectives in the comments, so I thought it might be useful to someone if I share my side too. The one who most often don't respond back the 'let's play a game together'. Just today I avoided some interactions with friends, and said no twice for one who offered to play something. Today I'm not feeling like interacting much with people who are close to me, I feel angry and tired, and I don't want to say something I would regret later, also, they don't deserve this. When I feel like it, I will say yes (I compromised saying that I would join him tomorrow, or during the week). I know the value of this and that sometimes it is what might make me better, but other times... I just don't want to 'throw this dice'. What I mean to say is: he was not the problem, other friends that I sometimes do this are not the problem. I am not the problem. Just that sometimes I have A problem being close to people. I feel like an outsider, I float between groups without ever creating roots in them, I have a lot of people that, at the very least, I imagine would try to help me if I had a problem or to just... hang out, but I don't feel closeness. I constantly think that life is a ever changing, morphable blob of circumstances, and someday, these people will go their way, and I my own. Like have happened and will continue to happen. This, along with the feeling of abandonment and betrayal I got from some people when I was younger (heck, even a couple years ago) is certainly a part of this... but, the people I said no to... they were not the problem. It was MY problem. So... yea, sometimes there is that. Also... if you are here reading these things and watching these videos... I am fairly confident in saying: you must be lovely, and if you think otherwise... that is ok too.
I guess in that kind of situation it could sometimes be helpful and positive to tell people who ask us to game, "Hey, I'd like to but right now I'm not in the right mood emotionally and I need some time alone to process it without the emotions polluting/effecting having fun with you, so maybe I could let you know when I'm feeling up to being sociable?" edit: also thank you for the kind final sentence in your comment! :) The same to you.
feeling like liability is the worst being an overthinker never helps i just yolo everything in my life if it works, it works if it doesn't, ah well 🤷 i hope her friends will understand her better after watching this her OTV talent performance was so sweet, there's definitely emotions in her she just hasn't found a safe place to express herself
i was actually watching her today and some douchbag said some pretty cruel stuff to her in game, she handled it well. unfortunately this is one of those things that is probably here to stay.
This conversation was extremely helpful for me, I always worry I'm being annoying and pull back if there's no communication even if we've been friends for a while.
I gotta say I'm like the inverse of Anne, I just keep going and going and going I give my everything and leave nothing for myself. After 2 highly destructive relationships I really need to rebuild but I also need to listen to myself.
Hard to get friends if the friends you want are those like myself, not really outgoing and like deeper conversations. I hate parties , loud music and being drunk 24/7, if those things were my interests it would be... not easy, but easier. I really wish there would be a bar or place around my area for people that play video games , watch movies and also there are people that I dont have to try so hard to keep contact, cause quite frankly, as wholesome as some people can be on the internet you will always get ghosted if you ain try your hardest to keep in contact. And if the "try to keep in contact" is only one-sided it gets boring. To have an analogy, I hate to be the "protagonist" that has to hit A or X constantly to initiate the conversation with all those NPC's.
Find someone who is worth that effort. It's near impossible to find someone who will be interested in you as much as you're interested in them. Invite them to do stuff several times, if they agree and don't invite you back, either they have no room for "close friends" or you're not that pleasant or interesting to them. After that you quickly check if there's something alarming about you, and either fix it or move on to the next victim without giving it any unnecessary thoughts
I actually used to think this exact same thing, specifically not liking “loud party, music, drunk”. Currently in my third year of college for reference. I went to one of these parties recently, only 9 people of which none I knew and basically nothing in common. At least, that was what I assumed. After just having constant 1v1 conversations with a lot of these people, the so called “pressing x and y on these npcs”, we randomly broke through at some point and found those deep conversations you and I so much desired. I can’t tell you what made it successful, but I know a few things about how I went about those initial conversations, which was with no expectations and just listening and replying with anything that came to mind. This perspective might help you.
I really appreciate dr k brought a subject like this as this is an actual common occurrence with a lot of people that is facing. I see this as engagement levels that was discussed in this video seeing as how much engagement someone makes with the other person and how much level of interaction they want or has been received to make an outcome of what will happen. The expectancy of having a happy ending in comparison to a bad end ending. Naturally I feel as though people rush into friendships and expect it to work just like that as it is a maths problem. They dont see the true value of having someone there that likes you and instead see what value could that person potentially bring to your life. So that's why there is a lot of confusion of people approaching each other for friendship when their views isn't the right way of going forward with it. Anne needs to revaluate what makes her happy being around others and what difference does it make having others in her life. She doesn't need to change herself but again a better understanding of what makes a good friend as if she is only going after streamers then she is not doing it the right way.
This was pretty relatable. I have often felt like an outsider...I'm definitely not a tier 1 friend. But this talk made me think about the other person's viewpoint as well as my own. Maybe my friends feel like they're bothering me, so I don't get invited to things as much as the other people in the group. I'm an introvert and I do decline invites a lot...but it's nice to get invited anyway.
I like Anne, she seems really down to earth and relatable. I wish we had more like her. Those are the people I want to befriend, they are just not easy to find.
56:31 the way that I laughed at this lol. It’s funny bc my dad is the same way, and I’ve never thought about the relationship I have with my father if I just see him for what he is to me: a stranger. This was a great way to ask this question
Streaming is dangerous especially for women. The unfiltered criticism that they deal with is insane. And at least celebrities can escape it in a way. Streamers HAVE to look at chat to interact and build a fanbase
I think the really tricky thing with friendships is that most people are really bad friends.. no one seems to communicate that directly. It's this guessing game of what the other person is thinking. I rarely feel like they are putting effort into getting to know me or spend time with me. When it doesn't just come naturally they give up. I know I used to be like this as well.. I wouldn't really put any effort in because I was too scared to let people in anyways. I can relate a lot with her struggles. I've been 'ghosted' before, or just ignored when I reached out. One friend always took days to respond.. to the point where I gave up. I had to move around a lot for studying and career and as soon as I'm physically removed from people my friendships usually end. Even before they seem to be based on convenience only. So trying to make friends purely online seems like an impossible task. You can't meet up after all. And rarely do people like to play games at all or even just play the same games I do. I need someone to show me some amount of effort so I feel safe to engage.. but it just never happens. At this point being 'fatalistic' or 'cynical' seems like the only response to handle the sad reality of it. I've also never been more isolated than I am now. Anyways.. I'd give Anne a hug if I could.
I can get along with alot but feel I only vibe or can be friends with specific types. People do alot of things that bug me, talk too much, talk too little, indulge in drugs too often, shit talk people you think you're all friends with. People are weird man
I just wanted to say thank you Doctor K! I feel like I and many other people have this sort of problem and watching you help Anne work through it has shed some light on my own situation. God bless you man!
@@ryno4ever433 I'd like to say it's all my wisdom but I thought of it after reading about John Bowlby's attachment theory, Otto Rank's views on childhood/development and Freud's approach to trauma.
My thoughts: 1. Sometimes being the hero is just showing up. Sometimes it’s as simple as not apologizing for existing and not moving to the back of the bus. 2. I’ve found that I have success when I ask people something like… oh hey, I’ve been looking for a friend to mt. Bike with, we should go! Maybe for you it’s yoga or learning Korean, or hiking or whatever. 3. Realize people have their own anxieties. I’ve had so many situations where I really had fun and invited someone somewhere and they just didn’t show up… then they avoid you. Sometimes it’s them. 4. Oh man… I’ve always had that outsider feeling going too… and Half my family is white and half my family speaks Spanish, which I’ve tried, but don’t.
I was thinking that this type of thing should be on a podcast, and when clicking the show more button, I noticed at the very bottom there is a podcast link!! HOWEVER it sort of sucks that these types of conversations aren't on spotify :/ I always play the video and tend to my normal things, like cleaning up my room, putting my clothes away, etc. so being able to have it on spotify would be totally cool, being able to just play them and go for a walk, or driving to work. PLEASE update the spotify podcast more often!!
Tbus was a wonderful breakdown & I really enjoyed it because me and her are so similar with our "wall." It's invisible, but definitely a REAL thing / issue. Addressing that opens the world up to yourself b/c the wall is inside. Also when we were breathing, doing the reverse kegels essentially, I was just dropping mad farts yo😂 I needed to be opened. Pause💀😂
Well if it's hard to make friends now (I'm 18Y) then I can't imagine trying to get friends in my 20s or 30s.... And so far all of my friends that total 3 have either become drug addicts or just bailed out if Highschool.
I also found it really hard to make friends in high school but I'm 31 and have a few really good friends now. It gets better, a lot of people have a lot of emotional baggage when they're younger, like having no direction in life or feeling insecure, so they might put up walls or behave in a toxic way. Honestly, I was that way, and my friends were too to some extent, but we all got better over the years. It's not good to keep exposing yourself to friends with really unhealthy behavior, but if you're all willing to get better, you can end up helping each other.
I'm only 25 minutes in but can already tell this is one of the best interviews to date. Anne makes a perfect guest: candid, articulate, open book, lots of reference experiences, and is very down to earth. Love it!
Thank you, I think it really helped me learn a bit of the right approach to be asking questions to someone. I couldn't help but notice that the girl seems quite troubled. From the way she communicates and the look she got when she tells her own stories, and some of them wow it got dark. I think Dr. K (GO HARVARD!!) has so much patience to try to make sense of how she chooses to be portraying herself to the world , at least online world cuz it's what we're seeing in this vid. She talks in a very avoidant way in my humble opinion. However, Dr. K doesn't spill out the fact but instead chooses to "beat around the bushes" most of the time which seems quite interesting to me, too. I wish the girl sees that all of those problems she's been facing growing up, are not her fault. bythe wayI like wearing black, too. It sometimes does reflect my mood of the day I choose to wear it! Or maybe I just want others to know I'm not easy to mess around lol. Anyway, I enjoyed this vid very much thought I'd let you know that. I've been binging your videos for a while now.
It will be. Growing up implies ppl will find other interests (family above all) and they won't hv the time to be friend with you. It's me at 30 basically.. Oh well I highly doubt I'll reach 40
I struggle making friends outside of high school. I’m very introverted/socially awkward and often don’t know how to respond naturally to basic conversation if i haven’t observed and stolen a “voiceline” from someone else. But if i manage to make a friend online, in the early stages I’ll get very invested in the friendship and supportive but quickly find something I dislike about them and be put off from the friendship
Regarding the talk about people being toxic, that's just the internet. I mute all of my online games. I don't care what callouts people have, I don't care about what others have to say. I'm top frag most of the time because I have ears, decent reaction time, and game sense. If someone tells me to kms, that's great. I can't hear em anyway because they're muted. If the conversation is like, "Hey I notice you're peeking corners way too wide, try this instead...." That's totally a conversation I'm willing to have. But the general toxic sh*t I've heard over and over again isn't something I'm interested in participating in.
I love the "pop up ad" analogy. It's relevant to so many core beliefs and other negative self talk issues too. However, I'm not sure the pop up ads DO stop for everyone; you said "when you feel loved, accepted and valued the pop ups ads should stop", but if someone's pop up ads ALSO tell them that they're unworthy of love and acceptance and they have no value, they are never able to feel that, regardless of how much love and acceptance are given, or how many times they're told that they have value and are valued. :'(
8:54 This is kinda relatable to me. I feel like I can come across as stand-offish just because I don't emote that much. I see people get super hype about game reveals and stuff, and I just can't get to that place. I worry that it's alienating for people to try and read someone like that. I do care greatly about things, and laugh loads to myself, but no-one ever sees it because I'm a very private person like that. I do try to be more affable with people, but it's a real effort to keep up, honestly.
My dad once said, "The closest friends you'll ever have are your family." Felt a little depressing at the time but the 'friendship' that I have with my fiancé is the most pure friendship I could have asked for. As for my actual friends, I always seem to be the guy who invites them out. Maybe I'm the filler friend and that's my burden to carry. It is what it is.
1:13:18 This is an interesting point, because I almost NEVER invite people to do stuff, but I still really value their friendship. It's not because I don't care about people, it's just I'm so used to being the 'invitee' that I don't ever really think about it. Also, I'm quite introverted, and never do stuff anyway, so I worry I won't have anything to offer in an invite. It's almost tragic to think about how many potential friendships could've been missed because two people were both waiting for the other to invite them.
lol true. But if you feel that way about it, then there's probably a good reason for it. You are likely to find great value in watching this as it may give you some much needed answers in your own life for what you're dealing with.
my own experience for friends has just been juggling around places generally the people id be likely to get along with are the types of people to go up and jave a conversation with a dude juggling during his lunch break
Man every time a streamer tells dr k they have issues making friends, it makes me want to hit them up and befriend them. But 1. I'm not a gamer so we wouldn't have much in common and 2. That would probably be creepy.
Game streamers are probably some of the most narcissistic people you'll ever (not) meet. Parasocial interactions and e-fame, combined with seeing their followers as a series of frenzied chat messages and spending long periods of time at home, alone. How could you not become inward-looking and shut off from the world?
Radio silence sucks because you aren't getting any feedback on the other end. I find my mind will interpret the worst in those situations, that the person doesn't care about me at all. One time I asked this girl I'd been chatting with for a few months to hang out and she didn't respond. I ended up smashing my phone out of frustration because that was how I coped with past rejections. A few weeks later I passed her on the street and she smiled and said hi to me. I never saw her again after that point because I felt awkward about reaching out. Upon reflecting I realized that maybe I should have been a bit more explicit, maybe ask why she was ignoring me or if everything was okay, instead of taking it personally and giving up on the relationship.
If anyone is in the comments like me, trying to watch this video to figure out how to form connections… 👋🏼 Hi, I’m Madison or Matty. I’m a girl gamer(TM) and I play a lot of chill casual games like Stardew Valley as well as Overwatch, Valorant, and Apex Legends. I’m passionate about reading, writing, social justice, and my dogs. If you want to strike up a convo, I’m open. I’d LOVE to get together a cute group of girl gamers who can just play and chill together 🥰
Ms. Alex Thymia a little maybe. No hate though! She seems really cool :) just seems like a rarer case in the context of dr. Ks videos. It seemed like that was kind of where he was going for a bit with the black clothing and the idea of her being an "outsider"
I would totally be friends with Anne💖 I'm not just saying that, I mean it. This situation sucks. I had both times when I was popular and when I was left out. I feel you. Once you did it you wonder: what's wrong with me that I can't do it now? There is no amount of experiences that will lift you up when few friends left you recently and you don't understand why is that. I suspect and assume what is irritating about me. But it may be inaccurate and harmful as well.
Now at 25 I've realized that as a child and teen all the friend groups I had, even the close ones, just formed naturally during school. I've never actually had to make the effort to get to know someone it just happened. And now I just don't know where to start as an adult.
Edit: I'm sociable, if a little introverted. I can talk to people and they seem to enjoy my company. But it always stays there, enjoyable and friendly coversations that ends without a sign of deeper connection. Is it on me to state an intent to friendship? No one else seem inclined. Then I see people my age who just naturally form strong friendships, just like I did as a teen, and I quietly wonder if I'm the problem.
Lemme know if you figure something out.
26 here, that felt very relatable. I hope we all find that connection again
I don't know I'm 19 never had a deep friendship with someone all the time I had friends but for shot turm like in school when we finish school we lost touch even now in the army I had friends end lost touch with them for me deep friendship is just someone you know from a realy Young age that's it
I think its hard in this modern days and it gets harder as time goes on. With the use of internet its often easy to find groups that you can identify with. The art of making friends with a random person irl feel like a lost art. Maybe the first step is sharing something valuable yourself or even stating the obvious because we can't really make assumptions what other people think unless asking them. Also, we have to remind ourselves we are not entitled to the other's person decision and we must respect their choice after we ask.
I don't even have close friends in school, I'm just thinking if this is the easy part what's difficult going to be like 😂.
Making friends as a kid be like:
Hello! Whats your favorite power ranger??
I like the blue one!!
Wow me too!! Lets be best friends!!
Yeahh!!
the good ol days
But have you tried the same approach now? Maybe it's still working :D
For real though i remember in like first grade some kid i never spoke to was just like "you wanna be friends" and i said yea and he was my ride or die for like 3 years
@@domitorid177 Might work with a couple of people, maybe
Adults literally do that too. With cars, sports teams... whatever. Jeez, dude.
There seems to ALWAYS be that underlying professionalism when meeting people I first get to know. Idk what else to call it but professionalism because it just shows you the polite, office-like conversations where things are always well and you speak kindly with neutral questions. “how are you, oh. awesome.”
One saying I've always liked (I think it might have been Dave Chapelle?) is "when you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative." I've tried to be totally candid and open with people that don't know me very well and they just seem to get confused or put off 90% of the time. It's dumb but it seems like you need to do the little social dance.
I have the exact problem as well, like, why am I talking to them like I am talking to my manager? I beat myself up for it every time but keep repeating the same behavior. With people I know, I am really chill - and some people might even consider me a bit childish. But when I meet someone new, it's like I am in a job interview or something. If I meet someone new in my already existing friend group (which I see very rarely anyways but that's another issue) it's a bit better, but if I go to a place where I don't know anyone, my anxiety makes me act in a way that is not myself at all. If I could just behave like myself instead of putting on this mask everything could be much easier
@@whothefckiskarma The struggle to be yourself is real. I'm having difficulties with the same thing.
@@whothefckiskarma100%, I find it so hard to break past that wall and not just come across as a neutral robot, it even happens around my friends when it's 1 to 1 and it sucks
I view the distinction between child made friendships and adult made friendships as between potential vs. actualization. When children make friends, their aren't many perceptual requirements (implicit or explicit) for them. Its as simple as having a single shared interest and then having room to grow in other aspects of personality. They help each other find themselves. In adult friendships, however, their is a perceptual mountain of expectation. Both people have had their entire lives to figure out who/what they are, and more or less their own preconceived notions on how to approach people. Becoming an adult is the process of choosing which lane you want to be in. And, once there, we tend to look for other people that are going the same way as us. Which is a totally different game than kids.
Few minutes in and this is one of the most relatable sessions already
"You message someone if they want to play a game, and they're like 'yeah cool', then you ask them when? and they never respond"
Wow, that shit hits so close to home, it's insane
I found that throwing one or two specific dates in helps a lot. "Hey wanna play boardgames sunday or saturday two weeks from now?"
@Sanningen Bruh ppl have lives sometimes we don't respond and it's not like your doing anything deep. It's just playing video games. Yeah, it's the start of the relationship but giving up on the person just because they didn't respond is actually so immature. The onus is on you if you want to be friends with the person. Yes, it's a two-way street but that's only after you've established a real relationship. My generation is inundated with so many forms of communication that they don't even realize these forms were meant to supplement our reality not become it. This statement is equivalent to someone not hearing you when you say something then you just say never mind. Then never talk to them again.
I should say if you have ADHD there's a good chance your friends have it as well, whether they're diagnosed or not, and this can cause them to forget that they wanted to hang out with you.
When you think about it you've probably done this to your friends too where you're like "yeah I want to play a game with you" and then you forget that they asked you because you had something that you were working on.
Truth
@@ushift so my time is not precious but yours is? If I already made an effort to plan something, the least you could do is say yes or no.
Dr.k : you seen to have a fatalistic approach to things
Ann: *grins*
Dr.k : what's the grin
Ann: I just like the word fatalistic
Dr.k : there we go
XD
Same it's a great word 🤣😂🤣🤣 47:50
It's pretty sad that the internet is so attuned to this fake mask aesthetic where they think someone of Anne's personality is like depressed, or she's forcing shit. I don't really frequent the site much anymore, but I used to dip in and out of her streams BECAUSE she was one of the few who didn't put on some facade and just played games she liked. Hope she can come to peace with that and also find people she can vibe with, without feeling the pressures of all the Twitch bullshit that creates these odd circumstances for the streamer.
I could be wrong but because she's dealing with a lot of internalized pain over not feeling wanted she just tends to put her feelings in a box and push it aside like she mentioned, so she may be feeling more hurt then she comes across but maybe not wanting to admit that. It's the way she copes with rejection perceived or otherwise. I find its one way people with lots of pain or trauma end up coping, at least I know a few people with similar vibes to her. I really hope she can find some non-streamer friends or get lucky finding ones that aren't desperate clout-chasers and tools.
Bring our timestamps back!
Yeah lol
and CCs too, my adhd can't handle a video alone
“Ok but here’s the thing”
Timestamps are great because you can check out the contents of the conversation before committing to watch it fully 🙏
Yeah i dont end up watching as much of ot
This is now the second interview i've seen Dr. K do where they came to the conclusion that it's not a wall that prevents progression, but it'smore like a tether that's snapping the person back when they stray too far into uncomfortable territory. I love that visualization. Great way to better understand the issue.
A suggestion but people in similar situation as her could try getting into circles where streamers are not recognised or they are not interested in watching streams. That way, you know that when someone talks to you, they are trying to make genuine effort to connect.
The hard part about that is that you'll have a higher chance of finding genuine people, but it's much harder to relate with them on the streaming side of things.
Like I have a very solid social circle, however barely any of them know about or do content creation. because of that they can't reciprocate about really cool things that happened in the industry/online or relate with struggles of the job.
This leads to a situation where you can have a really strong social life outside, but feel utter loneliness around the thing which you spend most your time doing.
This podcast series is very interesting, as it shows that there are quite a lot of genuine people around who struggle with the same issues. How to make a genuine connection between those people is still a problem tho. Before Conventions would be a great place to make that connection to fellow peers, but without the it becomes hard. One day I hope I can come to a good solution to this.
good idea imo
this is great content. I was in therapy from 18yr-22yr old and it helped me immensely. I feel like this public display of therapy is a great way to encourage more introspection and self awareness of ones self!
@@ryno4ever433 semantics, its obviously "therapeutic"... I mean, it looks like therapy to me - other than the fact that we all are seeing it.
@@belljo It's not therapy. Therapy is behind closed doors and often times covers more serious issues. What Doctor K is doing with his twich channel is Coaching. This is essentially letting people understand themselves better and letting people figure themselves out. While there is a case to be made for Therapists doing the same, A coach would never take in a PTSD patient, or a schizophrenic patient.
@@lawofphysx1506 okay you win, its not therapy.
I don't think that this is an issue that is exclusive to streamers, I think this is a millenial problem and it is the result of living this 50/50 life in which we didn't have cellphones, internet, etc and all of sudden we did and everything changed. We went from playing outside and sitting down for coffee to playing games and posting to Instagram.
Either way this gave me a lot to think about and relate to.
Gen Z as well dude, at least from 1995-2002
@@MaxRamos8 Ya Very Gen Z issue also.
A lot of us understand the struggle. I don't think I have any friends. People may call me their friend, but it doesn't feel that way to me.
It's just good to know you're not alone. I hope Anne can find a new way to deal with this.
During the pandemic I figured out most of my friendships were pretty surface level. At first we would work on online classes together but as the months went on communication completely cut off and we just havent talked in more than a year at this point.
That doesn't necessarily mean you aren't friends, all friendships are different.
@@Chaotic4Neutral Yeah I guess so, I feel like at this point they have become more of an acquaintance than a friend.
It happened to me too. The weird thing is whenever I feel the urge to reach out I don't have the courage anymore. I automatically think I would annoy or bore them. I say to myself 'Well, they're not reaching out either, so they must not be interested in keeping the friendship.' But who knows... Maybe they think the same about me...
This one was like going out for a picnic and stepping into a landmine...I'm impressed how much dr K has learned about the cascading consequences of what's said on his platform and how he navigates it 😊
I have a confession to make: I don’t have any friends to speak of. I know many people say that, but what they usually mean is that they don’t have a lot of friends. Well, I quite literally have no friends, and although some of it might be due to social anxiety, I don’t think that’s the main problem. I just don’t have very many opportunities to form friendships. I had a falling out with my best friend from high school, so he isn’t a social option. I dropped out of college before I could form a lot of friendships. I know a lot of people make friends at work, but at this stage in my life, I’m self-employed. I’m aware that some people join classes or social groups to make friends, but living in a rural area, the opportunities for such activities are very limited, the pandemic making things even worse. I have formed several online friendships, but most of the time, the people I associate with online live too far away to meet in person. Every day, I try to think of ways I can make friends, but I just don’t know where the opportunities are hiding. I know I can’t be the only one with this problem.
Same here. I had a few friends before my chronic illness started, but they were all superficial friendships.
I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't limit your definition of friends to people that you can see irl. Sure it may cut yourself off from experiences, but you can still form firendship with people that you communicate with online.
Totally normal dude, towns are no longer communities, stores are faceless and impersonal, plus more and more people are becoming shitty and self centered, so their are not many high value areas or people to befriend in the first place. You are definitely not alone dude.
@@kingpopaul yes but they will always be inferior. Our bodies are wired for "physical" connection if you will. It's easy to feel like you're not alone when there's the internet and with online gaming it's easy to fake real social interactions. But at the end of the day, you're going to need to meet people face to face to fulfil your bodies desire for social interactions.
@@kingpopaul online friends aren't quite as healthy
Awesome talk and Anne seems super cool! I resonate with the feeling of bothering others and not being included in social events, even though people say that I'm awesome and are happy that I am participating the times I'm actually there. Great stuff! Thanks Dr. K!
Even though Dr k seem to have a harder than usual time during this interview I really enjoyed it anyways. Not only is this content genuinely interesting but it's also pretty cool seeing a legitimate psychiatrist being so graceful under pressure and being so transparent about the situation. Not forgetting the fact that he is only trying to help his patient anyways.
Legendary.
Man, I feel Anne on the friend thing, lol. I will work to be friends, but when I realize the other person is not inviting, not reaching out, basically we're 'friends' because I'm the one just keeping it going, I drop it off. If they let it die from there, the friendship drops all the way off. I have even had friends say "our mutual friend wishes you hung out more, you should invite them over, blah blah" to which I reply "that person has never reached out to me, so why would I do that?" I have a small handful of friends, and I decided that's enough.
Nice the interview sessions are back. I would like him to have more interviews with people who are not twitch streamers though.
The problem is that it's really hard to screen the people who arent twitch streamers, which has proved itself to be a problem in the past. And now that Healthygamer is alot bigger than it was a year ago, there is alot of people who would abuse the system or some could come on and do something really damaging.
Who else would you suggest?
@@Massivecarcrash probably true
@@Massivecarcrash There is a simple solution. Take someone from the coaching program. Reduces the likelihood of a bad actor by a lot
49:42 mad respect for the point made here
Resonating with this interview. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I learned how to start friendships but not really maintain them. Also half-Asian, and there can be so much cultural dissonance and disconnection in that experience. I know it was incredibly confusing to me growing up, and shaped my perspectives in an unhelpful way. Working through those things now: being as up-front in my communication and taking people's words as face-value as possible. It's hard.. especially if your personal experience doesn't resemble the people you're trying to connect with. Seconding the advice mentioned elsewhere to socialize in other non-work communities. Cheers and good luck.
I moved around alot too but I never leant to make friends. Friends somehow found me. That's how I've made all my friends. It takes a long time but it works.
I'm in my 2nd year of Uni and because of the pandemic I've not been able to make any friends.
Omg same :(
ppl underestimate how significantly being mixed can affect your life in ways differently from other poc. I could immediately sense how that affected her feelings as an 'outsider' but glad it seems she is at peace with it
Right when she starts talking about being a bother to other people I already know how that feels and where it comes from. This is more deep than just relationship with other people.
@@ryno4ever433 Sure.
Having to deal with bullying and neglect from parents firsthand. In short, it tends to psychologically screw you up. In your mind, no one loves you and it's all your fault for that reason. You didn't do enough or you do too much.
When she started to talk about her Dad that is when it all kind of clicked together. The Dad was just a stranger. Which means she was neglected. The only time the Dad was there is when she had money.
Now the fear of being annoying is the fear that she will be hated and there is no way to rectify it. Which means either she dealt with jerks like that or her parents were scornful of her. When
Those problems are the reason why she can't form connections. She thinks when someone is there to hang out with her it's only because they want to use her for what she has. Then she has that fear that I will just annoy them so she doesn't say anything about it or she does and now she
She's afraid of being used so she never connects with others despite her suffering. Others want to but she is afraid.
The reason I understand is because I am survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. When you hear people talking like she is, you can sense where it stems from and understand it's not her fault. She was trying her best to survive with what she had to deal with at the time.
She seems like a really cool person and understanding and the things that are holding her back from what she wants is the pain and emotions that are sitting in there waiting to come out. I really hope the best for her. She doesn't deserve the pain that she was dealt with.
@Lettermanization for me it never was a neglect from parents it was the entirety of the rest of the family for what I saw as no reason at all. I would literally not talk much or try to bother everyone yet felt like my uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandma's and grandpa(one died before I was born) didn't like me. I felt neglect and outcasted from my whole family so I went into the same "I don't wana bother people" ideology
Loneliness has affected EVERYONE in 2020 and we're still figuring that out in 2021. We're all dealing with a lot of TRAUMA from like, becoming more distant with our friends and family for a year. Everyone experienced SOME sort of trauma from the pandemic and many of our friends (or we ourselves) are more emotionally unavailable than ever. One thing we have to do is acknowledge that some folks: we're gonna see them a LOT less. And with the FEWER friends we still have close to us now, we have to really cherish those relationships and be generous with how we invite them into our lives. I think DrK really focused too hard on, like, the streaming conundrum.
Wow, most relatable video yet. Especially the part about never being someones first choice.
I'm a female and have a ton in common with Ann. Also a streamer, internalize my feelings and have difficulty making friends. I would be happy to be friends with her no strings attached.
I’ve been binge watching these and it had dawned on me that he found his niche. Therapy for streamers and gamers. I had no idea how much of an outsider I was from a community until you guys start talking in gamer code😂 I love to see it.
Very relatable. I'm a 30 year old girl and gamed all my life. I've met lots of 'friends' online but are they really friends? Most of them just want to get into my pants. As for real life friends, well they come and go. You leave college, you leave uni, everyone becomes geographically dispersed and then the friendships disintegrate. Also I don't use social media like facebook, insta or twitter - I only use Discord, Steam, Bnet etc for gaming related hobbies and I wouldn't class those people are my real friends. I always feel incredibly lonely and depressed, because no one genuinely wants to be friends with me and hang out, especially other females. It's like they have their sisters and girl groups already and they just don't want to be friends with me. And male friends...well they either want more or they ditch you when they get a girlfriend. It's super rough. I feel so envious of people who are still friends with their lifelong mates from school, it must feel so soothing and nice to know someone has your back for life, no matter what.
Any luck finding social groups in town? Stuff like classes, drawing nights, hiking groups, etc?
I 100% relate to this as a 28 year old woman. I hope you’re doing better now ❤️
Dr K and his infinite wisdom always comes at the right time.
Right now is probably one of the best times for me to get some insights about making genuine friendships because of my own personal situation I have going on right now.
There's this girl that I like but she's just getting out of a relationship what she really needs is a friend and I hope watching this interview will help highlight some aspects of friendship and deep close friendships
@ 1:03:57 Man I resonate with that so much. I gotta remember that line "The brain uses the tool that works the best, and then that tool improves with practice" Thanks Doc.
Holy crap...I've never related to someone more in my life, esp when it comes to the friend groups situation and regularly feeling excluded or bothersome. Thanks for bringing her on stream!!
As early as about 10m based on how she describes herself and the way she feels about things, it feels like we're the same person. Now I just wanna be her friend. This video really hits home. Making friends as an adult is so gd hard.
That was great video for me because I got the same mental struggle when I try to make friends where I feel like I bother people too much.
I feel like everyone experienced this as they age and it’s unfortunately rather normal, especially now with the internet. I’m stuck in the same boat where I’m in a new town and having trouble making good friends despite being really social, having almost no social anxiety whatsoever, and being a generally awesome person. And yet I’m still experiencing this same problem. You’re not alone. It’s a sign of the times, and also harder as you age. If you keep putting yourself out there, someone like you will come around and you’ll suddenly have a new friend. Just don’t give up trying, the world is strange right now, but connection can and does happen!
It's a societal problem, after school everyone is on their grind and you are either helping them gain resources (transactional) or not which makes you competition aka the enemy.
Socialising is networking now and if it is not then it's seen as a waste of time.
3 minutes in and resonating already. Deep vs surface level friendships. First year university in residence was the loneliest year of my life. Nothing is more lonely than being around a bunch of people and feeling out of place or incompatible.
I've seen some different perspectives in the comments, so I thought it might be useful to someone if I share my side too. The one who most often don't respond back the 'let's play a game together'.
Just today I avoided some interactions with friends, and said no twice for one who offered to play something. Today I'm not feeling like interacting much with people who are close to me, I feel angry and tired, and I don't want to say something I would regret later, also, they don't deserve this. When I feel like it, I will say yes (I compromised saying that I would join him tomorrow, or during the week). I know the value of this and that sometimes it is what might make me better, but other times... I just don't want to 'throw this dice'. What I mean to say is: he was not the problem, other friends that I sometimes do this are not the problem. I am not the problem. Just that sometimes I have A problem being close to people.
I feel like an outsider, I float between groups without ever creating roots in them, I have a lot of people that, at the very least, I imagine would try to help me if I had a problem or to just... hang out, but I don't feel closeness. I constantly think that life is a ever changing, morphable blob of circumstances, and someday, these people will go their way, and I my own. Like have happened and will continue to happen. This, along with the feeling of abandonment and betrayal I got from some people when I was younger (heck, even a couple years ago) is certainly a part of this... but, the people I said no to... they were not the problem. It was MY problem. So... yea, sometimes there is that.
Also... if you are here reading these things and watching these videos... I am fairly confident in saying: you must be lovely, and if you think otherwise... that is ok too.
I guess in that kind of situation it could sometimes be helpful and positive to tell people who ask us to game, "Hey, I'd like to but right now I'm not in the right mood emotionally and I need some time alone to process it without the emotions polluting/effecting having fun with you, so maybe I could let you know when I'm feeling up to being sociable?" edit: also thank you for the kind final sentence in your comment! :) The same to you.
feeling like liability is the worst
being an overthinker never helps
i just yolo everything in my life
if it works, it works
if it doesn't, ah well 🤷
i hope her friends will understand her better after watching this
her OTV talent performance was so sweet, there's definitely emotions in her
she just hasn't found a safe place to express herself
i was actually watching her today and some douchbag said some pretty cruel stuff to her in game, she handled it well.
unfortunately this is one of those things that is probably here to stay.
This conversation was extremely helpful for me, I always worry I'm being annoying and pull back if there's no communication even if we've been friends for a while.
I gotta say I'm like the inverse of Anne, I just keep going and going and going I give my everything and leave nothing for myself. After 2 highly destructive relationships I really need to rebuild but I also need to listen to myself.
Hard to get friends if the friends you want are those like myself, not really outgoing and like deeper conversations. I hate parties , loud music and being drunk 24/7, if those things were my interests it would be... not easy, but easier.
I really wish there would be a bar or place around my area for people that play video games , watch movies and also there are people that I dont have to try so hard to keep contact, cause quite frankly, as wholesome as some people can be on the internet you will always get ghosted if you ain try your hardest to keep in contact. And if the "try to keep in contact" is only one-sided it gets boring.
To have an analogy, I hate to be the "protagonist" that has to hit A or X constantly to initiate the conversation with all those NPC's.
Find someone who is worth that effort. It's near impossible to find someone who will be interested in you as much as you're interested in them.
Invite them to do stuff several times, if they agree and don't invite you back, either they have no room for "close friends" or you're not that pleasant or interesting to them.
After that you quickly check if there's something alarming about you, and either fix it or move on to the next victim without giving it any unnecessary thoughts
Try visiting a Internet/gaming café and check if they are playing the same game as you and ask to play with them:)
I actually used to think this exact same thing, specifically not liking “loud party, music, drunk”. Currently in my third year of college for reference. I went to one of these parties recently, only 9 people of which none I knew and basically nothing in common. At least, that was what I assumed. After just having constant 1v1 conversations with a lot of these people, the so called “pressing x and y on these npcs”, we randomly broke through at some point and found those deep conversations you and I so much desired. I can’t tell you what made it successful, but I know a few things about how I went about those initial conversations, which was with no expectations and just listening and replying with anything that came to mind. This perspective might help you.
I really appreciate dr k brought a subject like this as this is an actual common occurrence with a lot of people that is facing.
I see this as engagement levels that was discussed in this video seeing as how much engagement someone makes with the other person and how much level of interaction they want or has been received to make an outcome of what will happen. The expectancy of having a happy ending in comparison to a bad end ending. Naturally I feel as though people rush into friendships and expect it to work just like that as it is a maths problem. They dont see the true value of having someone there that likes you and instead see what value could that person potentially bring to your life. So that's why there is a lot of confusion of people approaching each other for friendship when their views isn't the right way of going forward with it.
Anne needs to revaluate what makes her happy being around others and what difference does it make having others in her life. She doesn't need to change herself but again a better understanding of what makes a good friend as if she is only going after streamers then she is not doing it the right way.
This was pretty relatable. I have often felt like an outsider...I'm definitely not a tier 1 friend. But this talk made me think about the other person's viewpoint as well as my own. Maybe my friends feel like they're bothering me, so I don't get invited to things as much as the other people in the group. I'm an introvert and I do decline invites a lot...but it's nice to get invited anyway.
I like Anne, she seems really down to earth and relatable. I wish we had more like her. Those are the people I want to befriend, they are just not easy to find.
56:31 the way that I laughed at this lol. It’s funny bc my dad is the same way, and I’ve never thought about the relationship I have with my father if I just see him for what he is to me: a stranger. This was a great way to ask this question
Streaming is dangerous especially for women. The unfiltered criticism that they deal with is insane. And at least celebrities can escape it in a way. Streamers HAVE to look at chat to interact and build a fanbase
I think the really tricky thing with friendships is that most people are really bad friends.. no one seems to communicate that directly. It's this guessing game of what the other person is thinking. I rarely feel like they are putting effort into getting to know me or spend time with me. When it doesn't just come naturally they give up. I know I used to be like this as well.. I wouldn't really put any effort in because I was too scared to let people in anyways. I can relate a lot with her struggles. I've been 'ghosted' before, or just ignored when I reached out. One friend always took days to respond.. to the point where I gave up. I had to move around a lot for studying and career and as soon as I'm physically removed from people my friendships usually end. Even before they seem to be based on convenience only. So trying to make friends purely online seems like an impossible task. You can't meet up after all. And rarely do people like to play games at all or even just play the same games I do. I need someone to show me some amount of effort so I feel safe to engage.. but it just never happens. At this point being 'fatalistic' or 'cynical' seems like the only response to handle the sad reality of it. I've also never been more isolated than I am now. Anyways.. I'd give Anne a hug if I could.
same ✌️😩
oh man this hit home.
I feel like I can only get along with a very specific personality type
what type? [just curious]
me too
me too....
I can get along with alot but feel I only vibe or can be friends with specific types. People do alot of things that bug me, talk too much, talk too little, indulge in drugs too often, shit talk people you think you're all friends with. People are weird man
I just wanted to say thank you Doctor K! I feel like I and many other people have this sort of problem and watching you help Anne work through it has shed some light on my own situation. God bless you man!
I’m a girl and I relate to her 100%. This video was super helpful! I wish her the best and sending positive vibes her way ❤️
The armour we build as children become straitjackets which strangle us in adulthood
@@ryno4ever433 I'd like to say it's all my wisdom but I thought of it after reading about John Bowlby's attachment theory, Otto Rank's views on childhood/development and Freud's approach to trauma.
Yes
Oof. 20 minutes in and the "You're so cool, we all think you're so cool, we wanna be friends with you" then nothing happens hits really hard.
I've never watched this streamer, but I respect anyone capable of finishing the UCS Millennium Falcon Lego set.
My thoughts: 1. Sometimes being the hero is just showing up. Sometimes it’s as simple as not apologizing for existing and not moving to the back of the bus. 2. I’ve found that I have success when I ask people something like… oh hey, I’ve been looking for a friend to mt. Bike with, we should go! Maybe for you it’s yoga or learning Korean, or hiking or whatever. 3. Realize people have their own anxieties. I’ve had so many situations where I really had fun and invited someone somewhere and they just didn’t show up… then they avoid you. Sometimes it’s them. 4. Oh man… I’ve always had that outsider feeling going too… and Half my family is white and half my family speaks Spanish, which I’ve tried, but don’t.
I was thinking that this type of thing should be on a podcast, and when clicking the show more button, I noticed at the very bottom there is a podcast link!! HOWEVER it sort of sucks that these types of conversations aren't on spotify :/ I always play the video and tend to my normal things, like cleaning up my room, putting my clothes away, etc. so being able to have it on spotify would be totally cool, being able to just play them and go for a walk, or driving to work. PLEASE update the spotify podcast more often!!
Tbus was a wonderful breakdown & I really enjoyed it because me and her are so similar with our "wall." It's invisible, but definitely a REAL thing / issue. Addressing that opens the world up to yourself b/c the wall is inside.
Also when we were breathing, doing the reverse kegels essentially, I was just dropping mad farts yo😂 I needed to be opened. Pause💀😂
I learn so much from Dr. K and I love it! I hope you keep make these awesome videos man! Cheers
Can u bring back time stamps?
Well if it's hard to make friends now (I'm 18Y) then I can't imagine trying to get friends in my 20s or 30s....
And so far all of my friends that total 3 have either become drug addicts or just bailed out if Highschool.
I also found it really hard to make friends in high school but I'm 31 and have a few really good friends now. It gets better, a lot of people have a lot of emotional baggage when they're younger, like having no direction in life or feeling insecure, so they might put up walls or behave in a toxic way. Honestly, I was that way, and my friends were too to some extent, but we all got better over the years. It's not good to keep exposing yourself to friends with really unhealthy behavior, but if you're all willing to get better, you can end up helping each other.
I'm only 25 minutes in but can already tell this is one of the best interviews to date. Anne makes a perfect guest: candid, articulate, open book, lots of reference experiences, and is very down to earth. Love it!
To me, the lack of friends itself is not the problem, it's the pressure to have friends that troubles me.
For anyone wondering where the quote comes from on her tattoo, I believe it's based on the Russian novel "A Hero of Our Time" by Mikhail Yurievich.
This is like the most relatable thing I've seen on the internet. If only I could get someone like Dr. K do go through my shit for me.
Thank you, I think it really helped me learn a bit of the right approach to be asking questions to someone. I couldn't help but notice that the girl seems quite troubled. From the way she communicates and the look she got when she tells her own stories, and some of them wow it got dark. I think Dr. K (GO HARVARD!!) has so much patience to try to make sense of how she chooses to be portraying herself to the world , at least online world cuz it's what we're seeing in this vid. She talks in a very avoidant way in my humble opinion. However, Dr. K doesn't spill out the fact but instead chooses to "beat around the bushes" most of the time which seems quite interesting to me, too. I wish the girl sees that all of those problems she's been facing growing up, are not her fault. bythe wayI like wearing black, too. It sometimes does reflect my mood of the day I choose to wear it! Or maybe I just want others to know I'm not easy to mess around lol. Anyway, I enjoyed this vid very much thought I'd let you know that. I've been binging your videos for a while now.
to everyone in the comments section: it's never too late to make friends. It won't be easy but keep trying!
It will be. Growing up implies ppl will find other interests (family above all) and they won't hv the time to be friend with you. It's me at 30 basically.. Oh well I highly doubt I'll reach 40
I'm just really happy I found your channel.
I didn't think "frustrated" was also an umbrella term.
Any term that you use to over shadow other emotions, is an umbrella term
@39:40 Dr K: sounds pretty reasonable and wholesome
@39:50 that escalated quickly *panic glance at twitch chat* oo
I struggle making friends outside of high school. I’m very introverted/socially awkward and often don’t know how to respond naturally to basic conversation if i haven’t observed and stolen a “voiceline” from someone else. But if i manage to make a friend online, in the early stages I’ll get very invested in the friendship and supportive but quickly find something I dislike about them and be put off from the friendship
Regarding the talk about people being toxic, that's just the internet. I mute all of my online games. I don't care what callouts people have, I don't care about what others have to say. I'm top frag most of the time because I have ears, decent reaction time, and game sense. If someone tells me to kms, that's great. I can't hear em anyway because they're muted. If the conversation is like, "Hey I notice you're peeking corners way too wide, try this instead...." That's totally a conversation I'm willing to have. But the general toxic sh*t I've heard over and over again isn't something I'm interested in participating in.
I love the "pop up ad" analogy.
It's relevant to so many core beliefs and other negative self talk issues too.
However, I'm not sure the pop up ads DO stop for everyone; you said "when you feel loved, accepted and valued the pop ups ads should stop", but if someone's pop up ads ALSO tell them that they're unworthy of love and acceptance and they have no value, they are never able to feel that, regardless of how much love and acceptance are given, or how many times they're told that they have value and are valued. :'(
"I'm sniffing at it." I'm using that line every day now lmao.
BRING BACK TIMESTAMPS
Just a reminder that timestamps take a long-time. You could give it time, do it for the rest of us, etc
>doesn't go outside
>can't make friends
>😮
8:54 This is kinda relatable to me. I feel like I can come across as stand-offish just because I don't emote that much. I see people get super hype about game reveals and stuff, and I just can't get to that place. I worry that it's alienating for people to try and read someone like that. I do care greatly about things, and laugh loads to myself, but no-one ever sees it because I'm a very private person like that. I do try to be more affable with people, but it's a real effort to keep up, honestly.
My dad once said, "The closest friends you'll ever have are your family." Felt a little depressing at the time but the 'friendship' that I have with my fiancé is the most pure friendship I could have asked for. As for my actual friends, I always seem to be the guy who invites them out. Maybe I'm the filler friend and that's my burden to carry. It is what it is.
0:33 'been all over the place for a long time...'
And the session begins!😆
Another Very good video👍
1:13:18 This is an interesting point, because I almost NEVER invite people to do stuff, but I still really value their friendship. It's not because I don't care about people, it's just I'm so used to being the 'invitee' that I don't ever really think about it. Also, I'm quite introverted, and never do stuff anyway, so I worry I won't have anything to offer in an invite. It's almost tragic to think about how many potential friendships could've been missed because two people were both waiting for the other to invite them.
Ah yes. Another dose of anxiety I didn't ask for..
lol true. But if you feel that way about it, then there's probably a good reason for it. You are likely to find great value in watching this as it may give you some much needed answers in your own life for what you're dealing with.
@@ThatsNotGaming I'm doing a full immersion on Dr. K's videos. This channel is addictive for me, at least I do not feel alone in certain matters..
my own experience for friends has just been juggling around places
generally the people id be likely to get along with are the types of people to go up and jave a conversation with a dude juggling during his lunch break
I've always liked Anne. Always seemed like such a nice genuine person.
No, u dont personally know her, so u technically are only able to like the internet persona she put up on the internet which is far from her real self
@@cont8155 OK cool
Hard to open up in public like that. Good job anne.
Man every time a streamer tells dr k they have issues making friends, it makes me want to hit them up and befriend them. But 1. I'm not a gamer so we wouldn't have much in common and 2. That would probably be creepy.
I needed to hear this. Also everyone should go watch Anne she is awesome!
Thank you, I needed that
That was a really good one. I loved so much about it.
Game streamers are probably some of the most narcissistic people you'll ever (not) meet. Parasocial interactions and e-fame, combined with seeing their followers as a series of frenzied chat messages and spending long periods of time at home, alone. How could you not become inward-looking and shut off from the world?
Ouch, in that case what is your opinion about introverts who aren't game streamers? :D
Probably something similar
Radio silence sucks because you aren't getting any feedback on the other end. I find my mind will interpret the worst in those situations, that the person doesn't care about me at all. One time I asked this girl I'd been chatting with for a few months to hang out and she didn't respond. I ended up smashing my phone out of frustration because that was how I coped with past rejections. A few weeks later I passed her on the street and she smiled and said hi to me. I never saw her again after that point because I felt awkward about reaching out. Upon reflecting I realized that maybe I should have been a bit more explicit, maybe ask why she was ignoring me or if everything was okay, instead of taking it personally and giving up on the relationship.
If anyone is in the comments like me, trying to watch this video to figure out how to form connections… 👋🏼 Hi, I’m Madison or Matty. I’m a girl gamer(TM) and I play a lot of chill casual games like Stardew Valley as well as Overwatch, Valorant, and Apex Legends. I’m passionate about reading, writing, social justice, and my dogs. If you want to strike up a convo, I’m open. I’d LOVE to get together a cute group of girl gamers who can just play and chill together 🥰
11:40 is the realest shit ive ever fucking heard this is my life
Ms. Alex Thymia a little maybe. No hate though! She seems really cool :) just seems like a rarer case in the context of dr. Ks videos. It seemed like that was kind of where he was going for a bit with the black clothing and the idea of her being an "outsider"
Here's a drinking game: take a shot every time Dr. K says "whaddya think about that?"
You want to kill us all
Yeah, im 30, i have 3 good friends and i met them all before 20.
I would totally be friends with Anne💖 I'm not just saying that, I mean it. This situation sucks. I had both times when I was popular and when I was left out. I feel you. Once you did it you wonder: what's wrong with me that I can't do it now? There is no amount of experiences that will lift you up when few friends left you recently and you don't understand why is that. I suspect and assume what is irritating about me. But it may be inaccurate and harmful as well.
honestly with how widespread the internet is nowadays online freinds should be counted as real freinds. especially if you two bond over a video game.
That meditation made me need to pee... did I pee out all the toxicity from my relationships?
Dr K, bring those time stamps back!
great stuff yet again. gotta listen to solo dolo p3 after this
oh where did the timestamps go, were they taken away? its harder to watch a long video without them