Why its Hard to Make Friends as an Adult ft. AnneMunition!

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  • Опубликовано: 23 дек 2024

Комментарии • 441

  • @SimonSays288
    @SimonSays288 3 года назад +980

    Now at 25 I've realized that as a child and teen all the friend groups I had, even the close ones, just formed naturally during school. I've never actually had to make the effort to get to know someone it just happened. And now I just don't know where to start as an adult.
    Edit: I'm sociable, if a little introverted. I can talk to people and they seem to enjoy my company. But it always stays there, enjoyable and friendly coversations that ends without a sign of deeper connection. Is it on me to state an intent to friendship? No one else seem inclined. Then I see people my age who just naturally form strong friendships, just like I did as a teen, and I quietly wonder if I'm the problem.

    • @Maelthorn1337
      @Maelthorn1337 3 года назад +81

      Lemme know if you figure something out.

    • @habcera
      @habcera 3 года назад +73

      26 here, that felt very relatable. I hope we all find that connection again

    • @wrathful8178
      @wrathful8178 3 года назад +21

      I don't know I'm 19 never had a deep friendship with someone all the time I had friends but for shot turm like in school when we finish school we lost touch even now in the army I had friends end lost touch with them for me deep friendship is just someone you know from a realy Young age that's it

    • @vinsonhan21
      @vinsonhan21 3 года назад +33

      I think its hard in this modern days and it gets harder as time goes on. With the use of internet its often easy to find groups that you can identify with. The art of making friends with a random person irl feel like a lost art. Maybe the first step is sharing something valuable yourself or even stating the obvious because we can't really make assumptions what other people think unless asking them. Also, we have to remind ourselves we are not entitled to the other's person decision and we must respect their choice after we ask.

    • @thomasmineo
      @thomasmineo 3 года назад +14

      I don't even have close friends in school, I'm just thinking if this is the easy part what's difficult going to be like 😂.

  • @cam-zl7qk
    @cam-zl7qk 3 года назад +362

    There seems to ALWAYS be that underlying professionalism when meeting people I first get to know. Idk what else to call it but professionalism because it just shows you the polite, office-like conversations where things are always well and you speak kindly with neutral questions. “how are you, oh. awesome.”

    • @Maelthorn1337
      @Maelthorn1337 3 года назад +107

      One saying I've always liked (I think it might have been Dave Chapelle?) is "when you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative." I've tried to be totally candid and open with people that don't know me very well and they just seem to get confused or put off 90% of the time. It's dumb but it seems like you need to do the little social dance.

    • @whothefckiskarma
      @whothefckiskarma 3 года назад +30

      I have the exact problem as well, like, why am I talking to them like I am talking to my manager? I beat myself up for it every time but keep repeating the same behavior. With people I know, I am really chill - and some people might even consider me a bit childish. But when I meet someone new, it's like I am in a job interview or something. If I meet someone new in my already existing friend group (which I see very rarely anyways but that's another issue) it's a bit better, but if I go to a place where I don't know anyone, my anxiety makes me act in a way that is not myself at all. If I could just behave like myself instead of putting on this mask everything could be much easier

    • @naikou1633
      @naikou1633 3 года назад +13

      @@whothefckiskarma The struggle to be yourself is real. I'm having difficulties with the same thing.

    • @h.nqv1939
      @h.nqv1939 3 года назад +5

      @@whothefckiskarma100%, I find it so hard to break past that wall and not just come across as a neutral robot, it even happens around my friends when it's 1 to 1 and it sucks

    • @willis6234
      @willis6234 3 года назад +19

      I view the distinction between child made friendships and adult made friendships as between potential vs. actualization. When children make friends, their aren't many perceptual requirements (implicit or explicit) for them. Its as simple as having a single shared interest and then having room to grow in other aspects of personality. They help each other find themselves. In adult friendships, however, their is a perceptual mountain of expectation. Both people have had their entire lives to figure out who/what they are, and more or less their own preconceived notions on how to approach people. Becoming an adult is the process of choosing which lane you want to be in. And, once there, we tend to look for other people that are going the same way as us. Which is a totally different game than kids.

  • @sondertekken
    @sondertekken 3 года назад +417

    Making friends as a kid be like:
    Hello! Whats your favorite power ranger??
    I like the blue one!!
    Wow me too!! Lets be best friends!!
    Yeahh!!

    • @nudibranch8659
      @nudibranch8659 3 года назад +20

      the good ol days

    • @domitorid177
      @domitorid177 3 года назад +23

      But have you tried the same approach now? Maybe it's still working :D

    • @dickyboi4956
      @dickyboi4956 3 года назад +43

      For real though i remember in like first grade some kid i never spoke to was just like "you wanna be friends" and i said yea and he was my ride or die for like 3 years

    • @sondertekken
      @sondertekken 3 года назад +2

      @@domitorid177 Might work with a couple of people, maybe

    • @Brickinasock
      @Brickinasock 3 года назад +5

      Adults literally do that too. With cars, sports teams... whatever. Jeez, dude.

  • @MichelPostma
    @MichelPostma 3 года назад +374

    Few minutes in and this is one of the most relatable sessions already
    "You message someone if they want to play a game, and they're like 'yeah cool', then you ask them when? and they never respond"
    Wow, that shit hits so close to home, it's insane

    • @fietspompje259
      @fietspompje259 3 года назад +43

      I found that throwing one or two specific dates in helps a lot. "Hey wanna play boardgames sunday or saturday two weeks from now?"

    • @ushift
      @ushift 3 года назад +3

      ​@Sanningen Bruh ppl have lives sometimes we don't respond and it's not like your doing anything deep. It's just playing video games. Yeah, it's the start of the relationship but giving up on the person just because they didn't respond is actually so immature. The onus is on you if you want to be friends with the person. Yes, it's a two-way street but that's only after you've established a real relationship. My generation is inundated with so many forms of communication that they don't even realize these forms were meant to supplement our reality not become it. This statement is equivalent to someone not hearing you when you say something then you just say never mind. Then never talk to them again.

    • @jdavis7993
      @jdavis7993 3 года назад +5

      I should say if you have ADHD there's a good chance your friends have it as well, whether they're diagnosed or not, and this can cause them to forget that they wanted to hang out with you.
      When you think about it you've probably done this to your friends too where you're like "yeah I want to play a game with you" and then you forget that they asked you because you had something that you were working on.

    • @HGZMO
      @HGZMO 3 года назад

      Truth

    • @soulkiss1013
      @soulkiss1013 3 года назад +4

      @@ushift so my time is not precious but yours is? If I already made an effort to plan something, the least you could do is say yes or no.

  • @shannonjones8877
    @shannonjones8877 3 года назад +41

    This is now the second interview i've seen Dr. K do where they came to the conclusion that it's not a wall that prevents progression, but it'smore like a tether that's snapping the person back when they stray too far into uncomfortable territory. I love that visualization. Great way to better understand the issue.

  • @belljo
    @belljo 3 года назад +54

    this is great content. I was in therapy from 18yr-22yr old and it helped me immensely. I feel like this public display of therapy is a great way to encourage more introspection and self awareness of ones self!

    • @belljo
      @belljo 3 года назад +5

      @@ryno4ever433 semantics, its obviously "therapeutic"... I mean, it looks like therapy to me - other than the fact that we all are seeing it.

    • @lawofphysx1506
      @lawofphysx1506 3 года назад +2

      @@belljo It's not therapy. Therapy is behind closed doors and often times covers more serious issues. What Doctor K is doing with his twich channel is Coaching. This is essentially letting people understand themselves better and letting people figure themselves out. While there is a case to be made for Therapists doing the same, A coach would never take in a PTSD patient, or a schizophrenic patient.

    • @belljo
      @belljo 3 года назад +1

      @@lawofphysx1506 okay you win, its not therapy.

  • @StumbleBoy
    @StumbleBoy 3 года назад +14

    Awesome talk and Anne seems super cool! I resonate with the feeling of bothering others and not being included in social events, even though people say that I'm awesome and are happy that I am participating the times I'm actually there. Great stuff! Thanks Dr. K!

  • @michaeljagdharry
    @michaeljagdharry 3 года назад +228

    Dr.k : you seen to have a fatalistic approach to things
    Ann: *grins*
    Dr.k : what's the grin
    Ann: I just like the word fatalistic
    Dr.k : there we go
    XD

    • @Respect2theFallen
      @Respect2theFallen 5 месяцев назад

      Same it's a great word 🤣😂🤣🤣 47:50

  • @MagikMikeOFFICIAL
    @MagikMikeOFFICIAL 3 года назад +97

    49:42 mad respect for the point made here

  • @ccovera
    @ccovera 3 года назад +17

    Even though Dr k seem to have a harder than usual time during this interview I really enjoyed it anyways. Not only is this content genuinely interesting but it's also pretty cool seeing a legitimate psychiatrist being so graceful under pressure and being so transparent about the situation. Not forgetting the fact that he is only trying to help his patient anyways.
    Legendary.

  • @darkphoenix2
    @darkphoenix2 3 года назад +23

    A lot of us understand the struggle. I don't think I have any friends. People may call me their friend, but it doesn't feel that way to me.
    It's just good to know you're not alone. I hope Anne can find a new way to deal with this.

  • @frorencenightingale1217
    @frorencenightingale1217 3 года назад +25

    This one was like going out for a picnic and stepping into a landmine...I'm impressed how much dr K has learned about the cascading consequences of what's said on his platform and how he navigates it 😊

  • @sarthakmishra1415
    @sarthakmishra1415 3 года назад +81

    A suggestion but people in similar situation as her could try getting into circles where streamers are not recognised or they are not interested in watching streams. That way, you know that when someone talks to you, they are trying to make genuine effort to connect.

    • @MichelPostma
      @MichelPostma 3 года назад +23

      The hard part about that is that you'll have a higher chance of finding genuine people, but it's much harder to relate with them on the streaming side of things.
      Like I have a very solid social circle, however barely any of them know about or do content creation. because of that they can't reciprocate about really cool things that happened in the industry/online or relate with struggles of the job.
      This leads to a situation where you can have a really strong social life outside, but feel utter loneliness around the thing which you spend most your time doing.
      This podcast series is very interesting, as it shows that there are quite a lot of genuine people around who struggle with the same issues. How to make a genuine connection between those people is still a problem tho. Before Conventions would be a great place to make that connection to fellow peers, but without the it becomes hard. One day I hope I can come to a good solution to this.

    • @AXharoth
      @AXharoth 3 года назад +1

      good idea imo

  • @josephvlogsdon
    @josephvlogsdon 3 года назад +247

    I have a confession to make: I don’t have any friends to speak of. I know many people say that, but what they usually mean is that they don’t have a lot of friends. Well, I quite literally have no friends, and although some of it might be due to social anxiety, I don’t think that’s the main problem. I just don’t have very many opportunities to form friendships. I had a falling out with my best friend from high school, so he isn’t a social option. I dropped out of college before I could form a lot of friendships. I know a lot of people make friends at work, but at this stage in my life, I’m self-employed. I’m aware that some people join classes or social groups to make friends, but living in a rural area, the opportunities for such activities are very limited, the pandemic making things even worse. I have formed several online friendships, but most of the time, the people I associate with online live too far away to meet in person. Every day, I try to think of ways I can make friends, but I just don’t know where the opportunities are hiding. I know I can’t be the only one with this problem.

    • @SuperLotus
      @SuperLotus 3 года назад +20

      Same here. I had a few friends before my chronic illness started, but they were all superficial friendships.

    • @kingpopaul
      @kingpopaul 3 года назад +16

      I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't limit your definition of friends to people that you can see irl. Sure it may cut yourself off from experiences, but you can still form firendship with people that you communicate with online.

    • @douglaslarsen162
      @douglaslarsen162 3 года назад +37

      Totally normal dude, towns are no longer communities, stores are faceless and impersonal, plus more and more people are becoming shitty and self centered, so their are not many high value areas or people to befriend in the first place. You are definitely not alone dude.

    • @jaco6971
      @jaco6971 3 года назад +24

      @@kingpopaul yes but they will always be inferior. Our bodies are wired for "physical" connection if you will. It's easy to feel like you're not alone when there's the internet and with online gaming it's easy to fake real social interactions. But at the end of the day, you're going to need to meet people face to face to fulfil your bodies desire for social interactions.

    • @bobobsen
      @bobobsen 3 года назад +8

      @@kingpopaul online friends aren't quite as healthy

  • @manumusicmist
    @manumusicmist 3 года назад +540

    Bring our timestamps back!

    • @rp3706
      @rp3706 3 года назад +5

      Yeah lol

    • @skipmanghondarg
      @skipmanghondarg 3 года назад +20

      and CCs too, my adhd can't handle a video alone

    • @RooKangaRoo
      @RooKangaRoo 3 года назад +7

      “Ok but here’s the thing”

    • @Dr.Kornelius
      @Dr.Kornelius 3 года назад +37

      Timestamps are great because you can check out the contents of the conversation before committing to watch it fully 🙏

    • @beevsteve
      @beevsteve 3 года назад

      Yeah i dont end up watching as much of ot

  • @nusoul
    @nusoul 3 года назад +127

    It's pretty sad that the internet is so attuned to this fake mask aesthetic where they think someone of Anne's personality is like depressed, or she's forcing shit. I don't really frequent the site much anymore, but I used to dip in and out of her streams BECAUSE she was one of the few who didn't put on some facade and just played games she liked. Hope she can come to peace with that and also find people she can vibe with, without feeling the pressures of all the Twitch bullshit that creates these odd circumstances for the streamer.

    • @mirage1182
      @mirage1182 3 года назад +9

      I could be wrong but because she's dealing with a lot of internalized pain over not feeling wanted she just tends to put her feelings in a box and push it aside like she mentioned, so she may be feeling more hurt then she comes across but maybe not wanting to admit that. It's the way she copes with rejection perceived or otherwise. I find its one way people with lots of pain or trauma end up coping, at least I know a few people with similar vibes to her. I really hope she can find some non-streamer friends or get lucky finding ones that aren't desperate clout-chasers and tools.

  • @dusk5956
    @dusk5956 3 года назад +5

    I’ve been binge watching these and it had dawned on me that he found his niche. Therapy for streamers and gamers. I had no idea how much of an outsider I was from a community until you guys start talking in gamer code😂 I love to see it.

  • @rogu3dog
    @rogu3dog 3 года назад +52

    During the pandemic I figured out most of my friendships were pretty surface level. At first we would work on online classes together but as the months went on communication completely cut off and we just havent talked in more than a year at this point.

    • @Chaotic4Neutral
      @Chaotic4Neutral 3 года назад +3

      That doesn't necessarily mean you aren't friends, all friendships are different.

    • @rogu3dog
      @rogu3dog 3 года назад +7

      @@Chaotic4Neutral Yeah I guess so, I feel like at this point they have become more of an acquaintance than a friend.

    • @soulkiss1013
      @soulkiss1013 3 года назад +1

      It happened to me too. The weird thing is whenever I feel the urge to reach out I don't have the courage anymore. I automatically think I would annoy or bore them. I say to myself 'Well, they're not reaching out either, so they must not be interested in keeping the friendship.' But who knows... Maybe they think the same about me...

  • @ccovera
    @ccovera 3 года назад +8

    Dr K and his infinite wisdom always comes at the right time.
    Right now is probably one of the best times for me to get some insights about making genuine friendships because of my own personal situation I have going on right now.
    There's this girl that I like but she's just getting out of a relationship what she really needs is a friend and I hope watching this interview will help highlight some aspects of friendship and deep close friendships

  • @chrislee7222
    @chrislee7222 3 года назад +9

    @ 1:03:57 Man I resonate with that so much. I gotta remember that line "The brain uses the tool that works the best, and then that tool improves with practice" Thanks Doc.

  • @pencil6965
    @pencil6965 2 года назад +7

    ppl underestimate how significantly being mixed can affect your life in ways differently from other poc. I could immediately sense how that affected her feelings as an 'outsider' but glad it seems she is at peace with it

  • @JFox4587
    @JFox4587 2 года назад +3

    I feel like everyone experienced this as they age and it’s unfortunately rather normal, especially now with the internet. I’m stuck in the same boat where I’m in a new town and having trouble making good friends despite being really social, having almost no social anxiety whatsoever, and being a generally awesome person. And yet I’m still experiencing this same problem. You’re not alone. It’s a sign of the times, and also harder as you age. If you keep putting yourself out there, someone like you will come around and you’ll suddenly have a new friend. Just don’t give up trying, the world is strange right now, but connection can and does happen!

  • @anonymouse7773
    @anonymouse7773 3 года назад +4

    Holy crap...I've never related to someone more in my life, esp when it comes to the friend groups situation and regularly feeling excluded or bothersome. Thanks for bringing her on stream!!

  • @lolaloliepop
    @lolaloliepop 3 года назад +18

    Wow, most relatable video yet. Especially the part about never being someones first choice.

  • @kennylaysh2776
    @kennylaysh2776 3 года назад +12

    Man, I feel Anne on the friend thing, lol. I will work to be friends, but when I realize the other person is not inviting, not reaching out, basically we're 'friends' because I'm the one just keeping it going, I drop it off. If they let it die from there, the friendship drops all the way off. I have even had friends say "our mutual friend wishes you hung out more, you should invite them over, blah blah" to which I reply "that person has never reached out to me, so why would I do that?" I have a small handful of friends, and I decided that's enough.

  • @themothman3726
    @themothman3726 3 года назад +92

    I don't think that this is an issue that is exclusive to streamers, I think this is a millenial problem and it is the result of living this 50/50 life in which we didn't have cellphones, internet, etc and all of sudden we did and everything changed. We went from playing outside and sitting down for coffee to playing games and posting to Instagram.
    Either way this gave me a lot to think about and relate to.

    • @MaxRamos8
      @MaxRamos8 3 года назад +12

      Gen Z as well dude, at least from 1995-2002

    • @liampett1313
      @liampett1313 2 года назад +1

      @@MaxRamos8 Ya Very Gen Z issue also.

  • @Lettermanization
    @Lettermanization 3 года назад +12

    Right when she starts talking about being a bother to other people I already know how that feels and where it comes from. This is more deep than just relationship with other people.

    • @Lettermanization
      @Lettermanization 3 года назад +13

      @@ryno4ever433 Sure.
      Having to deal with bullying and neglect from parents firsthand. In short, it tends to psychologically screw you up. In your mind, no one loves you and it's all your fault for that reason. You didn't do enough or you do too much.
      When she started to talk about her Dad that is when it all kind of clicked together. The Dad was just a stranger. Which means she was neglected. The only time the Dad was there is when she had money.
      Now the fear of being annoying is the fear that she will be hated and there is no way to rectify it. Which means either she dealt with jerks like that or her parents were scornful of her. When
      Those problems are the reason why she can't form connections. She thinks when someone is there to hang out with her it's only because they want to use her for what she has. Then she has that fear that I will just annoy them so she doesn't say anything about it or she does and now she
      She's afraid of being used so she never connects with others despite her suffering. Others want to but she is afraid.
      The reason I understand is because I am survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. When you hear people talking like she is, you can sense where it stems from and understand it's not her fault. She was trying her best to survive with what she had to deal with at the time.
      She seems like a really cool person and understanding and the things that are holding her back from what she wants is the pain and emotions that are sitting in there waiting to come out. I really hope the best for her. She doesn't deserve the pain that she was dealt with.

    • @Respect2theFallen
      @Respect2theFallen 5 месяцев назад

      ​@Lettermanization for me it never was a neglect from parents it was the entirety of the rest of the family for what I saw as no reason at all. I would literally not talk much or try to bother everyone yet felt like my uncles, aunts, cousins, and grandma's and grandpa(one died before I was born) didn't like me. I felt neglect and outcasted from my whole family so I went into the same "I don't wana bother people" ideology

  • @loziex7343
    @loziex7343 3 года назад +12

    Very relatable. I'm a 30 year old girl and gamed all my life. I've met lots of 'friends' online but are they really friends? Most of them just want to get into my pants. As for real life friends, well they come and go. You leave college, you leave uni, everyone becomes geographically dispersed and then the friendships disintegrate. Also I don't use social media like facebook, insta or twitter - I only use Discord, Steam, Bnet etc for gaming related hobbies and I wouldn't class those people are my real friends. I always feel incredibly lonely and depressed, because no one genuinely wants to be friends with me and hang out, especially other females. It's like they have their sisters and girl groups already and they just don't want to be friends with me. And male friends...well they either want more or they ditch you when they get a girlfriend. It's super rough. I feel so envious of people who are still friends with their lifelong mates from school, it must feel so soothing and nice to know someone has your back for life, no matter what.

    • @sqwid12
      @sqwid12 Год назад

      Any luck finding social groups in town? Stuff like classes, drawing nights, hiking groups, etc?

    • @UnusAnnus3
      @UnusAnnus3 5 месяцев назад

      I 100% relate to this as a 28 year old woman. I hope you’re doing better now ❤️

  • @vaguelyweird
    @vaguelyweird 3 года назад +42

    Resonating with this interview. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I learned how to start friendships but not really maintain them. Also half-Asian, and there can be so much cultural dissonance and disconnection in that experience. I know it was incredibly confusing to me growing up, and shaped my perspectives in an unhelpful way. Working through those things now: being as up-front in my communication and taking people's words as face-value as possible. It's hard.. especially if your personal experience doesn't resemble the people you're trying to connect with. Seconding the advice mentioned elsewhere to socialize in other non-work communities. Cheers and good luck.

    • @lararys7765
      @lararys7765 3 года назад +2

      I moved around alot too but I never leant to make friends. Friends somehow found me. That's how I've made all my friends. It takes a long time but it works.
      I'm in my 2nd year of Uni and because of the pandemic I've not been able to make any friends.

    • @lalakuma9
      @lalakuma9 2 года назад

      Omg same :(

  • @wasItGmac
    @wasItGmac 3 года назад +8

    Loneliness has affected EVERYONE in 2020 and we're still figuring that out in 2021. We're all dealing with a lot of TRAUMA from like, becoming more distant with our friends and family for a year. Everyone experienced SOME sort of trauma from the pandemic and many of our friends (or we ourselves) are more emotionally unavailable than ever. One thing we have to do is acknowledge that some folks: we're gonna see them a LOT less. And with the FEWER friends we still have close to us now, we have to really cherish those relationships and be generous with how we invite them into our lives. I think DrK really focused too hard on, like, the streaming conundrum.

  • @manumusicmist
    @manumusicmist 3 года назад +83

    Nice the interview sessions are back. I would like him to have more interviews with people who are not twitch streamers though.

    • @Massivecarcrash
      @Massivecarcrash 3 года назад +19

      The problem is that it's really hard to screen the people who arent twitch streamers, which has proved itself to be a problem in the past. And now that Healthygamer is alot bigger than it was a year ago, there is alot of people who would abuse the system or some could come on and do something really damaging.

    • @s3m4jno5w4d
      @s3m4jno5w4d 3 года назад

      Who else would you suggest?

    • @manumusicmist
      @manumusicmist 3 года назад

      @@Massivecarcrash probably true

    • @pentabuzz149
      @pentabuzz149 3 года назад +6

      @@Massivecarcrash There is a simple solution. Take someone from the coaching program. Reduces the likelihood of a bad actor by a lot

  • @flyaway6671
    @flyaway6671 3 года назад +6

    It's a societal problem, after school everyone is on their grind and you are either helping them gain resources (transactional) or not which makes you competition aka the enemy.
    Socialising is networking now and if it is not then it's seen as a waste of time.

  • @Hypoxyk
    @Hypoxyk 3 года назад +8

    As early as about 10m based on how she describes herself and the way she feels about things, it feels like we're the same person. Now I just wanna be her friend. This video really hits home. Making friends as an adult is so gd hard.

  • @HaloSmyth
    @HaloSmyth 3 года назад +19

    I'm a female and have a ton in common with Ann. Also a streamer, internalize my feelings and have difficulty making friends. I would be happy to be friends with her no strings attached.

  • @marek_tarnawski
    @marek_tarnawski 3 года назад +12

    That was great video for me because I got the same mental struggle when I try to make friends where I feel like I bother people too much.

  • @games68775
    @games68775 3 года назад +4

    3 minutes in and resonating already. Deep vs surface level friendships. First year university in residence was the loneliest year of my life. Nothing is more lonely than being around a bunch of people and feeling out of place or incompatible.

  • @Queen_hWitch_Melody
    @Queen_hWitch_Melody 3 года назад +1

    This was pretty relatable. I have often felt like an outsider...I'm definitely not a tier 1 friend. But this talk made me think about the other person's viewpoint as well as my own. Maybe my friends feel like they're bothering me, so I don't get invited to things as much as the other people in the group. I'm an introvert and I do decline invites a lot...but it's nice to get invited anyway.

  • @UnusAnnus3
    @UnusAnnus3 5 месяцев назад +1

    I’m a girl and I relate to her 100%. This video was super helpful! I wish her the best and sending positive vibes her way ❤️

  • @brandonisburied
    @brandonisburied 3 года назад +3

    feeling like liability is the worst
    being an overthinker never helps
    i just yolo everything in my life
    if it works, it works
    if it doesn't, ah well 🤷
    i hope her friends will understand her better after watching this
    her OTV talent performance was so sweet, there's definitely emotions in her
    she just hasn't found a safe place to express herself

  • @_-Ruki-_
    @_-Ruki-_ 3 года назад +2

    This conversation was extremely helpful for me, I always worry I'm being annoying and pull back if there's no communication even if we've been friends for a while.

  • @sahdirmistry557
    @sahdirmistry557 3 года назад +2

    I really appreciate dr k brought a subject like this as this is an actual common occurrence with a lot of people that is facing.
    I see this as engagement levels that was discussed in this video seeing as how much engagement someone makes with the other person and how much level of interaction they want or has been received to make an outcome of what will happen. The expectancy of having a happy ending in comparison to a bad end ending. Naturally I feel as though people rush into friendships and expect it to work just like that as it is a maths problem. They dont see the true value of having someone there that likes you and instead see what value could that person potentially bring to your life. So that's why there is a lot of confusion of people approaching each other for friendship when their views isn't the right way of going forward with it.
    Anne needs to revaluate what makes her happy being around others and what difference does it make having others in her life. She doesn't need to change herself but again a better understanding of what makes a good friend as if she is only going after streamers then she is not doing it the right way.

  • @SuperAussm
    @SuperAussm 3 года назад +4

    I gotta say I'm like the inverse of Anne, I just keep going and going and going I give my everything and leave nothing for myself. After 2 highly destructive relationships I really need to rebuild but I also need to listen to myself.

  • @breezebee
    @breezebee 3 года назад +6

    56:31 the way that I laughed at this lol. It’s funny bc my dad is the same way, and I’ve never thought about the relationship I have with my father if I just see him for what he is to me: a stranger. This was a great way to ask this question

  • @ThatsNotGaming
    @ThatsNotGaming 3 года назад

    I just wanted to say thank you Doctor K! I feel like I and many other people have this sort of problem and watching you help Anne work through it has shed some light on my own situation. God bless you man!

  • @hgzmatt
    @hgzmatt 3 года назад +3

    I think the really tricky thing with friendships is that most people are really bad friends.. no one seems to communicate that directly. It's this guessing game of what the other person is thinking. I rarely feel like they are putting effort into getting to know me or spend time with me. When it doesn't just come naturally they give up. I know I used to be like this as well.. I wouldn't really put any effort in because I was too scared to let people in anyways. I can relate a lot with her struggles. I've been 'ghosted' before, or just ignored when I reached out. One friend always took days to respond.. to the point where I gave up. I had to move around a lot for studying and career and as soon as I'm physically removed from people my friendships usually end. Even before they seem to be based on convenience only. So trying to make friends purely online seems like an impossible task. You can't meet up after all. And rarely do people like to play games at all or even just play the same games I do. I need someone to show me some amount of effort so I feel safe to engage.. but it just never happens. At this point being 'fatalistic' or 'cynical' seems like the only response to handle the sad reality of it. I've also never been more isolated than I am now. Anyways.. I'd give Anne a hug if I could.

    • @vivvy_0
      @vivvy_0 3 года назад +1

      same ✌️😩

  • @demnok_lann1k
    @demnok_lann1k 8 месяцев назад

    This is like the most relatable thing I've seen on the internet. If only I could get someone like Dr. K do go through my shit for me.

  • @darkluigi123456789
    @darkluigi123456789 3 года назад +38

    Hard to get friends if the friends you want are those like myself, not really outgoing and like deeper conversations. I hate parties , loud music and being drunk 24/7, if those things were my interests it would be... not easy, but easier.
    I really wish there would be a bar or place around my area for people that play video games , watch movies and also there are people that I dont have to try so hard to keep contact, cause quite frankly, as wholesome as some people can be on the internet you will always get ghosted if you ain try your hardest to keep in contact. And if the "try to keep in contact" is only one-sided it gets boring.
    To have an analogy, I hate to be the "protagonist" that has to hit A or X constantly to initiate the conversation with all those NPC's.

    • @pocketblue
      @pocketblue 3 года назад +5

      Find someone who is worth that effort. It's near impossible to find someone who will be interested in you as much as you're interested in them.
      Invite them to do stuff several times, if they agree and don't invite you back, either they have no room for "close friends" or you're not that pleasant or interesting to them.
      After that you quickly check if there's something alarming about you, and either fix it or move on to the next victim without giving it any unnecessary thoughts

    • @Btk9500
      @Btk9500 3 года назад +2

      Try visiting a Internet/gaming café and check if they are playing the same game as you and ask to play with them:)

    • @riordanbrown9557
      @riordanbrown9557 3 года назад +7

      I actually used to think this exact same thing, specifically not liking “loud party, music, drunk”. Currently in my third year of college for reference. I went to one of these parties recently, only 9 people of which none I knew and basically nothing in common. At least, that was what I assumed. After just having constant 1v1 conversations with a lot of these people, the so called “pressing x and y on these npcs”, we randomly broke through at some point and found those deep conversations you and I so much desired. I can’t tell you what made it successful, but I know a few things about how I went about those initial conversations, which was with no expectations and just listening and replying with anything that came to mind. This perspective might help you.

  • @reusablecatmilk.2325
    @reusablecatmilk.2325 3 года назад

    I learn so much from Dr. K and I love it! I hope you keep make these awesome videos man! Cheers

  • @soulserrated
    @soulserrated 2 года назад +5

    i was actually watching her today and some douchbag said some pretty cruel stuff to her in game, she handled it well.
    unfortunately this is one of those things that is probably here to stay.

  • @oSamiSrzo
    @oSamiSrzo 2 года назад +2

    I've never watched this streamer, but I respect anyone capable of finishing the UCS Millennium Falcon Lego set.

  • @robinferdous9164
    @robinferdous9164 3 года назад +21

    The armour we build as children become straitjackets which strangle us in adulthood

    • @robinferdous9164
      @robinferdous9164 3 года назад +4

      @@ryno4ever433 I'd like to say it's all my wisdom but I thought of it after reading about John Bowlby's attachment theory, Otto Rank's views on childhood/development and Freud's approach to trauma.

    • @thatman6916
      @thatman6916 3 года назад

      Yes

  • @FamousByFriday
    @FamousByFriday 3 года назад +2

    My thoughts: 1. Sometimes being the hero is just showing up. Sometimes it’s as simple as not apologizing for existing and not moving to the back of the bus. 2. I’ve found that I have success when I ask people something like… oh hey, I’ve been looking for a friend to mt. Bike with, we should go! Maybe for you it’s yoga or learning Korean, or hiking or whatever. 3. Realize people have their own anxieties. I’ve had so many situations where I really had fun and invited someone somewhere and they just didn’t show up… then they avoid you. Sometimes it’s them. 4. Oh man… I’ve always had that outsider feeling going too… and Half my family is white and half my family speaks Spanish, which I’ve tried, but don’t.

  • @pauldarthurs
    @pauldarthurs 3 года назад +2

    For anyone wondering where the quote comes from on her tattoo, I believe it's based on the Russian novel "A Hero of Our Time" by Mikhail Yurievich.

  • @hgzmatt
    @hgzmatt 3 года назад +10

    I like Anne, she seems really down to earth and relatable. I wish we had more like her. Those are the people I want to befriend, they are just not easy to find.

  • @rudrod95_41
    @rudrod95_41 3 года назад +18

    Streaming is dangerous especially for women. The unfiltered criticism that they deal with is insane. And at least celebrities can escape it in a way. Streamers HAVE to look at chat to interact and build a fanbase

  • @ReleasePeas
    @ReleasePeas 3 года назад

    I struggle making friends outside of high school. I’m very introverted/socially awkward and often don’t know how to respond naturally to basic conversation if i haven’t observed and stolen a “voiceline” from someone else. But if i manage to make a friend online, in the early stages I’ll get very invested in the friendship and supportive but quickly find something I dislike about them and be put off from the friendship

  • @cappu7121
    @cappu7121 3 года назад +26

    oh man this hit home.
    I feel like I can only get along with a very specific personality type

    • @hanarielgodlike9283
      @hanarielgodlike9283 3 года назад +2

      what type? [just curious]

    • @doudounea9698
      @doudounea9698 3 года назад

      me too

    • @sunshinegirl8488
      @sunshinegirl8488 3 года назад

      me too....

    • @Respect2theFallen
      @Respect2theFallen 5 месяцев назад

      I can get along with alot but feel I only vibe or can be friends with specific types. People do alot of things that bug me, talk too much, talk too little, indulge in drugs too often, shit talk people you think you're all friends with. People are weird man

  • @cadmium_red
    @cadmium_red 3 года назад +1

    I'm just really happy I found your channel.

  • @dogzilla8you
    @dogzilla8you 3 года назад +2

    Oof. 20 minutes in and the "You're so cool, we all think you're so cool, we wanna be friends with you" then nothing happens hits really hard.

  • @33lightyears
    @33lightyears 3 года назад +2

    I was thinking that this type of thing should be on a podcast, and when clicking the show more button, I noticed at the very bottom there is a podcast link!! HOWEVER it sort of sucks that these types of conversations aren't on spotify :/ I always play the video and tend to my normal things, like cleaning up my room, putting my clothes away, etc. so being able to have it on spotify would be totally cool, being able to just play them and go for a walk, or driving to work. PLEASE update the spotify podcast more often!!

  • @wanderingrandomer
    @wanderingrandomer 3 года назад

    1:13:18 This is an interesting point, because I almost NEVER invite people to do stuff, but I still really value their friendship. It's not because I don't care about people, it's just I'm so used to being the 'invitee' that I don't ever really think about it. Also, I'm quite introverted, and never do stuff anyway, so I worry I won't have anything to offer in an invite. It's almost tragic to think about how many potential friendships could've been missed because two people were both waiting for the other to invite them.

  • @neongreen3232
    @neongreen3232 3 года назад +1

    To me, the lack of friends itself is not the problem, it's the pressure to have friends that troubles me.

  • @Kaitlyn-e4h
    @Kaitlyn-e4h 3 года назад

    Thank you, I think it really helped me learn a bit of the right approach to be asking questions to someone. I couldn't help but notice that the girl seems quite troubled. From the way she communicates and the look she got when she tells her own stories, and some of them wow it got dark. I think Dr. K (GO HARVARD!!) has so much patience to try to make sense of how she chooses to be portraying herself to the world , at least online world cuz it's what we're seeing in this vid. She talks in a very avoidant way in my humble opinion. However, Dr. K doesn't spill out the fact but instead chooses to "beat around the bushes" most of the time which seems quite interesting to me, too. I wish the girl sees that all of those problems she's been facing growing up, are not her fault. bythe wayI like wearing black, too. It sometimes does reflect my mood of the day I choose to wear it! Or maybe I just want others to know I'm not easy to mess around lol. Anyway, I enjoyed this vid very much thought I'd let you know that. I've been binging your videos for a while now.

  • @user-pl4yq1oc1y
    @user-pl4yq1oc1y 3 года назад +28

    Can u bring back time stamps?

  • @wanderingrandomer
    @wanderingrandomer 3 года назад

    8:54 This is kinda relatable to me. I feel like I can come across as stand-offish just because I don't emote that much. I see people get super hype about game reveals and stuff, and I just can't get to that place. I worry that it's alienating for people to try and read someone like that. I do care greatly about things, and laugh loads to myself, but no-one ever sees it because I'm a very private person like that. I do try to be more affable with people, but it's a real effort to keep up, honestly.

  • @platinumheart2505
    @platinumheart2505 3 года назад +10

    Well if it's hard to make friends now (I'm 18Y) then I can't imagine trying to get friends in my 20s or 30s....
    And so far all of my friends that total 3 have either become drug addicts or just bailed out if Highschool.

    • @lalakuma9
      @lalakuma9 2 года назад

      I also found it really hard to make friends in high school but I'm 31 and have a few really good friends now. It gets better, a lot of people have a lot of emotional baggage when they're younger, like having no direction in life or feeling insecure, so they might put up walls or behave in a toxic way. Honestly, I was that way, and my friends were too to some extent, but we all got better over the years. It's not good to keep exposing yourself to friends with really unhealthy behavior, but if you're all willing to get better, you can end up helping each other.

  • @KnightZephyr
    @KnightZephyr 3 года назад +22

    I've seen some different perspectives in the comments, so I thought it might be useful to someone if I share my side too. The one who most often don't respond back the 'let's play a game together'.
    Just today I avoided some interactions with friends, and said no twice for one who offered to play something. Today I'm not feeling like interacting much with people who are close to me, I feel angry and tired, and I don't want to say something I would regret later, also, they don't deserve this. When I feel like it, I will say yes (I compromised saying that I would join him tomorrow, or during the week). I know the value of this and that sometimes it is what might make me better, but other times... I just don't want to 'throw this dice'. What I mean to say is: he was not the problem, other friends that I sometimes do this are not the problem. I am not the problem. Just that sometimes I have A problem being close to people.
    I feel like an outsider, I float between groups without ever creating roots in them, I have a lot of people that, at the very least, I imagine would try to help me if I had a problem or to just... hang out, but I don't feel closeness. I constantly think that life is a ever changing, morphable blob of circumstances, and someday, these people will go their way, and I my own. Like have happened and will continue to happen. This, along with the feeling of abandonment and betrayal I got from some people when I was younger (heck, even a couple years ago) is certainly a part of this... but, the people I said no to... they were not the problem. It was MY problem. So... yea, sometimes there is that.
    Also... if you are here reading these things and watching these videos... I am fairly confident in saying: you must be lovely, and if you think otherwise... that is ok too.

    • @-S.L.
      @-S.L. 3 года назад +3

      I guess in that kind of situation it could sometimes be helpful and positive to tell people who ask us to game, "Hey, I'd like to but right now I'm not in the right mood emotionally and I need some time alone to process it without the emotions polluting/effecting having fun with you, so maybe I could let you know when I'm feeling up to being sociable?" edit: also thank you for the kind final sentence in your comment! :) The same to you.

  • @esm6049
    @esm6049 3 года назад

    Thank you, I needed that

  • @jamescanjuggle
    @jamescanjuggle 3 года назад +2

    my own experience for friends has just been juggling around places
    generally the people id be likely to get along with are the types of people to go up and jave a conversation with a dude juggling during his lunch break

  • @ShortenMonteCristo
    @ShortenMonteCristo 3 года назад +2

    I'm only 25 minutes in but can already tell this is one of the best interviews to date. Anne makes a perfect guest: candid, articulate, open book, lots of reference experiences, and is very down to earth. Love it!

  • @anxietyebriety6553
    @anxietyebriety6553 3 года назад +2

    Tbus was a wonderful breakdown & I really enjoyed it because me and her are so similar with our "wall." It's invisible, but definitely a REAL thing / issue. Addressing that opens the world up to yourself b/c the wall is inside.
    Also when we were breathing, doing the reverse kegels essentially, I was just dropping mad farts yo😂 I needed to be opened. Pause💀😂

  • @hologrms
    @hologrms 3 года назад +5

    to everyone in the comments section: it's never too late to make friends. It won't be easy but keep trying!

    • @lucadesanctis563
      @lucadesanctis563 3 года назад +1

      It will be. Growing up implies ppl will find other interests (family above all) and they won't hv the time to be friend with you. It's me at 30 basically.. Oh well I highly doubt I'll reach 40

  • @GabrielGodatt
    @GabrielGodatt 3 года назад +4

    @39:40 Dr K: sounds pretty reasonable and wholesome
    @39:50 that escalated quickly *panic glance at twitch chat* oo

  • @thegamingguy1
    @thegamingguy1 3 года назад +3

    11:40 is the realest shit ive ever fucking heard this is my life

  • @beevsteve
    @beevsteve 3 года назад +39

    BRING BACK TIMESTAMPS

    • @japhalpha
      @japhalpha 3 года назад +4

      Just a reminder that timestamps take a long-time. You could give it time, do it for the rest of us, etc

  • @VioletEmerald
    @VioletEmerald 2 года назад

    That was a really good one. I loved so much about it.

  • @michaelhanford8139
    @michaelhanford8139 2 года назад

    0:33 'been all over the place for a long time...'
    And the session begins!😆
    Another Very good video👍

  • @manumusicmist
    @manumusicmist 3 года назад +7

    I didn't think "frustrated" was also an umbrella term.

    • @demetrifrost2546
      @demetrifrost2546 3 года назад +4

      Any term that you use to over shadow other emotions, is an umbrella term

  • @LiminalThought
    @LiminalThought 4 месяца назад

    Regarding the talk about people being toxic, that's just the internet. I mute all of my online games. I don't care what callouts people have, I don't care about what others have to say. I'm top frag most of the time because I have ears, decent reaction time, and game sense. If someone tells me to kms, that's great. I can't hear em anyway because they're muted. If the conversation is like, "Hey I notice you're peeking corners way too wide, try this instead...." That's totally a conversation I'm willing to have. But the general toxic sh*t I've heard over and over again isn't something I'm interested in participating in.

  • @Maelthorn1337
    @Maelthorn1337 3 года назад +29

    I've always liked Anne. Always seemed like such a nice genuine person.

    • @cont8155
      @cont8155 3 года назад +6

      No, u dont personally know her, so u technically are only able to like the internet persona she put up on the internet which is far from her real self

    • @Maelthorn1337
      @Maelthorn1337 3 года назад +31

      @@cont8155 OK cool

  • @potterfanz6780
    @potterfanz6780 3 года назад +10

    Here's a drinking game: take a shot every time Dr. K says "whaddya think about that?"

    • @s3m4jno5w4d
      @s3m4jno5w4d 3 года назад +3

      You want to kill us all

  • @ambientlightofdarknesss4245
    @ambientlightofdarknesss4245 3 года назад

    honestly with how widespread the internet is nowadays online freinds should be counted as real freinds. especially if you two bond over a video game.

  • @LiminalThought
    @LiminalThought 4 месяца назад

    My dad once said, "The closest friends you'll ever have are your family." Felt a little depressing at the time but the 'friendship' that I have with my fiancé is the most pure friendship I could have asked for. As for my actual friends, I always seem to be the guy who invites them out. Maybe I'm the filler friend and that's my burden to carry. It is what it is.

  • @handymannie
    @handymannie 3 года назад +2

    I needed to hear this. Also everyone should go watch Anne she is awesome!

  • @emanate0
    @emanate0 3 года назад

    great stuff yet again. gotta listen to solo dolo p3 after this

  • @MrScientifictutor
    @MrScientifictutor 3 года назад +1

    Hard to open up in public like that. Good job anne.

  • @traceyadixon
    @traceyadixon 3 года назад +14

    I love the "pop up ad" analogy.
    It's relevant to so many core beliefs and other negative self talk issues too.
    However, I'm not sure the pop up ads DO stop for everyone; you said "when you feel loved, accepted and valued the pop ups ads should stop", but if someone's pop up ads ALSO tell them that they're unworthy of love and acceptance and they have no value, they are never able to feel that, regardless of how much love and acceptance are given, or how many times they're told that they have value and are valued. :'(

  • @Brickinasock
    @Brickinasock 3 года назад +18

    Game streamers are probably some of the most narcissistic people you'll ever (not) meet. Parasocial interactions and e-fame, combined with seeing their followers as a series of frenzied chat messages and spending long periods of time at home, alone. How could you not become inward-looking and shut off from the world?

    • @scscyou
      @scscyou 3 года назад

      Ouch, in that case what is your opinion about introverts who aren't game streamers? :D

    • @StraighTMurkZ
      @StraighTMurkZ 3 года назад

      Probably something similar

  • @lucadesanctis563
    @lucadesanctis563 3 года назад +13

    Ah yes. Another dose of anxiety I didn't ask for..

    • @ThatsNotGaming
      @ThatsNotGaming 3 года назад

      lol true. But if you feel that way about it, then there's probably a good reason for it. You are likely to find great value in watching this as it may give you some much needed answers in your own life for what you're dealing with.

    • @lucadesanctis563
      @lucadesanctis563 3 года назад +2

      @@ThatsNotGaming I'm doing a full immersion on Dr. K's videos. This channel is addictive for me, at least I do not feel alone in certain matters..

  • @thenecessitarian
    @thenecessitarian 3 года назад +23

    pink is just an optimist's word to describe the color: "Salmon". Now THERE is a person worth getting to know.

  • @cdiessner711
    @cdiessner711 3 года назад +1

    Radio silence sucks because you aren't getting any feedback on the other end. I find my mind will interpret the worst in those situations, that the person doesn't care about me at all. One time I asked this girl I'd been chatting with for a few months to hang out and she didn't respond. I ended up smashing my phone out of frustration because that was how I coped with past rejections. A few weeks later I passed her on the street and she smiled and said hi to me. I never saw her again after that point because I felt awkward about reaching out. Upon reflecting I realized that maybe I should have been a bit more explicit, maybe ask why she was ignoring me or if everything was okay, instead of taking it personally and giving up on the relationship.

  • @tylernobles3157
    @tylernobles3157 2 года назад

    Dr K, bring those time stamps back!

  • @brooo4219
    @brooo4219 3 года назад +3

    >doesn't go outside
    >can't make friends
    >😮

  • @robertsemail5695
    @robertsemail5695 3 года назад

    I have no drive to interact with others, but I still feel horrible having no-one in my life.

  • @spennypayne
    @spennypayne 3 года назад +1

    I have a question. Why is it we often focus in these conversations on the negative relationships than the positive ones? For example, we spent a lot of time talking about her father, but not her mother or siblings? Is it because negative experiences are more formative?

    • @lekjov6170
      @lekjov6170 3 года назад +12

      Probably is related to the fact that those negative experiences could be the root of problems that planted a seed that could still affect your current self, so if you work them out and get to the core you might find unexpected answers that could explain a lot about you current self, and it also would make it easier to know how to improve from there.

  • @hdshjs
    @hdshjs 10 месяцев назад

    I would totally be friends with Anne💖 I'm not just saying that, I mean it. This situation sucks. I had both times when I was popular and when I was left out. I feel you. Once you did it you wonder: what's wrong with me that I can't do it now? There is no amount of experiences that will lift you up when few friends left you recently and you don't understand why is that. I suspect and assume what is irritating about me. But it may be inaccurate and harmful as well.

  • @MS-ov9sv
    @MS-ov9sv 3 месяца назад

    Great guest

  • @Arejen03
    @Arejen03 3 года назад +1

    Yeah, im 30, i have 3 good friends and i met them all before 20.

  • @3ngan498
    @3ngan498 4 месяца назад

    1:13:10 I hate this type of friend the most
    "They don't let you live, they don't let you die"

  • @jamescanjuggle
    @jamescanjuggle 3 года назад +1

    oh where did the timestamps go, were they taken away? its harder to watch a long video without them