Big ups to Dr K for not doing the whole "everyone is beautiful/handsome" and "beauty is subjective" thing that most people do when someone is honest with their feelings about their appearance. Beyond body dysmorphia, there just are certain things which the vast majority of people wouldn't be "subjectively" attracted to which can't be fixed through lifestyle changes, like facial deformities. Telling people they should love these things that they hate about themselves will only make them feel worse. And for a lot of people, the way they get treated by strangers (and even friends/family) in real life due to their appearance is what reinforces their pain, not independent self-loathing.
everytime there's a dr k video, i always think before he offers advice "if i was dr k, what would i say?" and dr k always pulls some nuggets of gold out of his ass i stg, mans got the largest cerebum
Validating someone's feelings about something is important in trying to make them listen and change their mindset. It's something he's talked about before.
@@Majoraspersona one of the first things I learned working in the mental health sector too. I wish it was more promoted outside of professional MH spaces as well.
the fucked up paradox of dating is that girls aren't interested and are quite intimidated at the thought of dating a man who's source of suffering in his life comes from not having a gf (or so he thinks it does). that's just a lot of pressure. you're lonely and you can't find a gf, and that makes you unlikely to get a gf. it's only when you're fine by yourself do you attract people.
so you are saying that all the people who are in relationships are all fine by themselves, that they have it all figured out. You live in Cuckoo Land mate.
@@nikolas8203 nah lol that's obviously not true. I should've said "good relationship" instead of just relationship. lots of miserable people end up together and make each other more miserable. but the good shit, the shit that makes two people better than the sum of their parts is locked behind being mostly okay w yourself.
I really love how Dr. K is so non-judgemental and also very well-spoken in the way he approaches these people and their issues, it helps so much, makes me wanna be the best version of myself
@@samuelmelendez7566 well, that's what we're doing with him here. And when I when Rugrats first came out when I was a kid in the 90s. This didn't used to exist being able to be with someone who you wouldn't even know could help you out out like this,lol
One of the biggest problems in our culture is the fixation on sexual experience as a determination of self-worth. Four years ago, I was in a similar position as OP, but as a depressed 22 y/o who judged himself based on having no work experience. My first two jobs treated me like garbage. Like sex, work was overhyped -- and I overhyped it even more in my mind and ignored obvious red flags during interviews. Seeing how others treated me made me realize I was treating myself just as badly. Those experiences were truly awful, but they made me grow a spine and value myself.
sexual experience is not determine your self-worth but it's still one of the biggest parts of life and it's important to be happy. At least if you're not an asexual. So, me as one who never got much sex and I'm 33 now - I'm disagreed with modern devaluing of sex - seems like people now just cold to sex. And therefore, people like me who LOVE sex painted as "perverts" which is quite unfair. I mean, you CAN be happy even without sex, without love, without going outside, without anything. It all doesn't determine your worth and self-worth. But at the same time, it does't mean that love, sex and everything else is small, invaluable and "overrated". Not, good sex is STILL underrated, love is VASTLY underrated and so on. No wonder why people being upset of not having this. Moreover, devaluing those things isn't helping them at all, they just stopping to wanting this cuz it's "too hard" and just don't know what they're losing.
@@extropiantranshuman what if you don't base ALL your life on this but it's important part which you desperately want to have in your life? "Just stop being upset of being alone and wanting sex, pervert" :) Me for example is OK and quite happy with my life but it doesn't make me not alone and wanting sex and love. And if I could stop wanting this - why TF am I should even search a gf and sex? What the worth in love and sex if I don't need them? Is it self-delusion or just what?
@@extropiantranshuman of course it all worth only to a person and not to all and there's even no need in bringing on some marxist outdated thing lol. I mean if me personally want to love and be loved, want sex and stuff - yes, it doesn't determine my worth but it's important for me to full experience. And I will literally fight for that
@@spookypoo8813 They're gonna die too some day and nobody will remember them anyway because most people are just cogs in the machine (not to mention our Sun will turn into a red giant and completely annihilate this shit-eating planet and with it every trace of humanity). I hope you can take solace in that, mi amico. ✊
@@laurenguttie I always hear this and as someone who has a platonic support system, I don’t think it’s as comforting to men looking for romantic partners as you seem to think it is.
@@purplesuitman3764 it's not supposed to be comforting, it's advice. you don't have to take it, but people dedicating so much hope and energy into something hypothetical like that is terrible for your mental health
I'm 36 and a virgin. I'm not ugly; I'm perfectly decent looking. I gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship about 10 years ago. I grieved that ideal and moved on. Nobody has ever judged me for being a virgin. Nobody is obligated to pursue a relationship.
I'm 36 and in a happy relationship, but man... I REALLY wish I had someone like Dr K in my life when I was younger. Every time I watch one of his videos, I'm blown away by how well he explains lessons that I learned the hard way.
I am loathe to talk about my age here, because I'm pretty sure I'll get ridiculed... let's just say I'm getting to the point where I want to punch Steve Carrell in the face for making my life a Joke. Men get judged by their worth to women. And some of us are pretty fucking worthless by that metric.
ngl, I've always hated when people say "there's more to life than relationships" or anything similar. I'm not saying there isn't, but let's not pretend love, sex and relationships are not one of the best things you can exprience. If that weren't true, then 99% of all songs wouldn't be about it, it wouldn't be a major part of the plot of every movie or a book no matter the genre and it wouldn't be what everyone around me keeps talking about in some way. I am absolutely missing out on something great (I bet at least) and it's just hard to look past it, no matter how much I try.
I've had a relationship, and there's absolutely things that rival the feeling. the pure bliss of chinese salt and chilli chicken. iced tea on a hot day. mosh pits. going for a long as hell walk then sitting down to admire the view you came all the way out here to see. watching a truly good show.
It's literally the one purpose of life, like on a purely biological level: Procreation, and ensuring that your offspring survive. All of the chemistry and hormones and neurotransmitters or whatever in the brain are evolutionarily designed for that purpose
I think what he's trying to convey here is that in such a situation where you've got 1000 things to do before you feel like you can have a chance, the harder you grasp at that goal at the end of the 1000 things, the more it's going to seem impossible and you're going to end up doing nothing. But if you can reframe your goals and learn to let go of that theoretical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you can actually make more progress towards it than you would otherwise. So instead of saying to yourself "what does it matter if I go to the gym because im still not gonna get a girl?" you go to the gym for the sake of feeling better on a day to day basis, or general health, or your own body image. And in 6 months you look better, you feel better, you have some discipline and something that gets you out of the house on a regular basis. And those are all steps towards that goal.
I also don't like that most of the time the people who say that are people who are in relationships and have never been without one. It's one thing when a fellow person unable to get a relationship tells me that or hell even a monk tells me that, it's another when someone who hasn't experienced never having one tells me that.
"There's more to life than relationships." I agree logically with this, but as someone who hasn't been able to make meaningful connections with anyone (even platonically), I instinctually want to disagree bc I can't really see what value or fulfillment I could derive from my life if I continue to live in isolation. I know if I found things I was passionate about that this would bring me some amount of good feelings, but I think the absolute impact of these good feelings on my life would be extremely limited and minimized if I didn't have other people who I was genuinely close with (not even romantically, just platonically even)
@@porkerpete7722 There's a difference between long-term acquaintanceships and actual meaningful fulfilling friendships though. I've had plenty of acquaintanceships, but nothing beyond really surface-level stuff, ya know?
@@jodiejodiejodie why agree logically? touch starvation slowly destroys people physically and mentally. there may be some outliers who can thrive in isolation, but they're probably as plentiful as people who suffer no adverse effects from only getting ~5 hours of sleep
Honestly I'm kind of proof that it doesn't matter what you do to improve yourself some of us just don't get a shot for whatever reason. I turn 30 this year, I've never been on a date and I'm a virgin. I go to the gym 5 times a week, I look pretty decent to be honest, I have no issue talking/interacting with the opposite sex. I have plenty of confidence in myself that isn't an issue. I've spent years solely focusing on myself and I've spent years also in the "game". I have nothing to show for any of this effort I put in. Not as in I put effort expecting a result, I mean I put effort in to improving myself every moment I get. I have multiple hobbies that take me outside with people and plenty that keep me isolated. It sounds completely resigned to admit but I'm just one of the ones that fell through the cracks. I'll keep forever working on myself because I want to but I know full well my life is deigned to be alone. So be it.
Exactly my dude! Well put. I fixed all my issues too and nothing came of it. So i just removed relationships out of my life's equation and solely focusing on myself. Gotta say it's been a blast so far, compared to my self loathing former self. Always hungry for external validation from the opposite sex. Cheers dude hope life treats you even better!
@@Dimitris_Half You are too focused on the goal and thinking and planning about the future or pining over the past. Learn how to live in the moment and learn how to appreciate the now. Just concentrate on being open, positive, and inquisitive. Stop thinking about accomplishing a target or a goal such as wooing a woman. Your only goal should be to find the beauty and richness in life and sublime feeling of living in the moment. You have to let go and just be. Learn to appreciate what is. Learn to appreciate what occurs in real-time. Go out and make good memories with friends. Be a better friend, neighbor, community member, and stranger. Be a positive light in the world, rejoin the living who are living in the present and not be chasing memories of the past or being overwhelmed about what could occur in the future.
There are 105 men born for every 100 women so even if the market distibution in dating was completly equal which it is not there are going to be men destined to die alone.
it's really no surprise socialization is easier once you get married. it would relieve a massive weight on the psyche because at that point you've already conquered that major goal and know you have someone waiting for you at home, so you can approach social situations from an entirely different angle. it's just like when financial burdens are no more that you feel lighter because you know things are paid for.
this is true beyond a sexual relationship. Just talking to people to even begin a relationship, platonic or not, is nearly impossible when you dont already have someone available to talk to first.
I'm in my 30's and I worry about the nihilistic outlook that a lot of guys in their early 20's have and how resigned they are to having the worst lives imaginable. When you are young, you totally underestimate how much life can change. I spent my entire 20's thinking I was repulsively ugly. Recently, I was looking through old photos and I was actually surprised how good looking I actually was. I have a tonne of regrets now, about how much suffering I put myself through and how many opportunities to meet women. Focus on making yourself the best version you can be with whatever hand of cards you've been dealt. There is almost always something you do to make your situation better. Honestly, I think they should be teaching stoicism to young guys (and women too) in school. It's important to have an honest assessment of how your life is, even if it is bad, but this doomer shit needs to stop.
It takes way too long, I'm almost graduating now but my life has been miserable for many years and it seems impossible at least in Oregon to do much of anything.
@@Soma2501 The ones that Dantieri are the must read classics. There's a pretty good youtube channel called Einzelgänger and he does really good short videos on different philosophies and philosophers (including stoicism) and how they can help various struggles in life. They'd be a great place for a newbie to start. Piggybacking on what Dantieri said about not going down a self help rabbit hole, the most important thing is to apply the principles and insights that you learn in your life. I think many guys here are probably quite smart and are too often stuck in the 'paralysis of analysis', when they need to be applying themselves and taking action.
I'm Brazilian myself and very much glad I understand English, because listening to this man has helped me more than some therapists I've had here in where I live.
Real mano. O Doctor K tem mudado a minha vida e isso só foi possivel por causa de ter como segunda lingua o Inglês. Existe muito conteudo que não encontramos no Brasil até pelos especialistas dentro das áreas.
Primeiro que se foda o Brasil e a cultura brasileira. Agora falando razoavelmente, eu não entendo porque o conteúdo em português é tão diferente do conteúdo sobre psicologia e psiquiatria em inglês. Alguém tem alguma teoria sobre isso?
This is so heartbreaking, and I can sort of relate to the OP. I'm also ugly and sexually undesirable, I'm also getting old (turning 40), never been married and am all but invisible to the opposite sex. I'd love to fix things but its too late for that now. I have no money and no one will hiring despite having a good resumé and work history. Going to be homeless again and frankly when that ultimately happens I'm putting a rope around my neck. 40 years of rejection, isolation, and lack of any love or positivity has completely broken me inside. Not looking for pity or sympathy just wanted to share a part of my story so people can say I did exist and won't be forgotten completely.
Damn man really at 40? Have you dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to get my first kiss. Since 13th July 2023, I started going for some classes to prepare for exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college last week and wanna study MBA next. There in the classes, I got a massive crush on this girl who is also 22 or maybe 23 now. We did handshake on our first class and introduced ourselves and she sometimes tries to initiate convos with me asking whether I had lunch or not and some more she does say me hi but I just answer what she asks or say hi back but I am still shy to initiate further talks with her. I am still kinda shy near girls in person so I don't really feel the confidence to initiate any conversation with her unless she initiates one with me. But yesterday she actually said I am cute as I keep smiling(like a shy smile) almost all the time in class and I blushed hard after she said I am cute and my friends too teased me about it hehe. I also had been chatting with this another girl who is 19 on Instagram since 28th May 2023 and also asked out my childhood friend 3 months ago and she is 21 now turning 22 soon. My childhood friend did agree to meet up but she is so inactive on Instagram that I still don't know when we will meet as she takes weeks or even a month to reply to me whereas I chat with the 19 year old daily about everything and send each other virtual hugs daily. We used to be in the same school but now she is in a different college which is very near to my home tho. I wanna ask her out too but I am nervous as I get rejected by 4 girls recently and it looks like she still sees me as just a friend.
@@Evanpetersno1fan never said I'm too old, just that it's too late. I'm past my breaking point, all hope inside me has been crushed and ground to dust. I don't plan on being here much longer....
@@manosijroy8282 I have dated, had 4 serious relationships in the past and was engaged once. None of worked out and life hasn't been kind to me. Everything just keeps going from bad to worse, to the point I honestly think I might be cursed. Honestly my dude if I were you I'd shoot my shot with the girl in your class and forget the 19 year old. Worse thing she can do is say no, and you move on. Don't let the fear of rejection stop you or hold you back. Yeah it sucks getting rejected been there myself plenty of times, but the way I see it, its just the universes way of filtering out what isn't meant for you. And what is meant for you will always find it's way to you precisely when it means to. You miss every shot you don't take, and nothing good is ever gained without a little risk involved. You got this king. 👑💪
@@GrekeFenris I can't see who you replied to, but don't mean that last sentence. Is that you in the profile picture? If it is, you are far from ugly - in fact, you're very handsome. I'm a bit young to be pretending to give you advise, but I thought I'd put something down anyway. Don't give up. Turn to the Lord; He will comfort you. My great-grandfather was in his 40s when he got married, and had four children. That was back then! And he was not a very good-looking man, truthfully - but then again, neither was his wife... lol Grace and peace to you
I kinda spent my whole life not caring about getting with women, just interacting normally with them, and I'd say being pretty confident in myself. And nothing came out of it. Im still alone, no relationship no nothing, so I disagree with dr k in this one. You have to go get it.
Same. I kinda just try to ignore that sphere of life cause im usually fucked up. But women arent throwing themselves at ne either. So that "it just happens" stuff is bullshit
Well, you at least have to be clear about your intentions. If you’re uncertain about how someone feels, then take care of it and get on the same page. As a woman, one thing I’ve noticed is that guys often put themselves in “the friend zone” by failing to be honest about what they want. Just don’t send mixed signals. And if she is? Then move on to someone who’s clear rather than sit there wasting time.
@@hover97 if you're trying to get a female you have to wait, maybe a year of being your best self and improving and then maybe, just maybe you will get one
Yeah, just ignoring relationships is not the way to go for lots of people. Seems to only work for some people (who are often already decently attractive physically but can come across as difficult socially).
I had a colleague with abnormally deformed face. My initial body reaction when I met him was that deep-seated sadness and regret because of whatever happened to him... But then it turned out that he had that astonishing charisma and confidence in him. He really did not let his appearance define him in any way and it made him soooo admirable. Probably one of the most inspirational peoples I've ever met in my life.
See, that’s the thing. He was ugly so he had to prove himself to you. People on the opposite end of the spectrum (physically attractive people) are the opposite. They are often given praise for nothing, and all they have to do is not lose it, and it’s harder for them to lose it.
@@neverbackdown1918 I feel like you're overestimating the power of being attractive. The guy Kamil talks about might have had to "prove himself", but he did so by being truly himself and being ok with how he is (which does and probably did take work). I'm sure he is happier than a lot of good looking guys.
@@interestingcritter I think you’re underestimating the power of being attractive. You realize that attractive people get lighter jail sentences, right?
@@interestingcritter When I see a 9/10 attractive person it intimidates me. I'm probably not the only person who feels this way. No, they have extremely easy lifes in comparison and people treat them better for nothing. I don't even know why I want to treat them different than unattractive people. It's weird.
14:56 I had this same experience. After my first GF at 26, I also got more female attention due to no longer trying. Even after we broke up - I was getting over her and had no energy for dating, and actually for the first time in my life got approached by girls. The only issue is when I DO want to start dating again, all that coolness goes away, and then i become a nervous wreck again.
Yes, I would say this experience is quite typical for a lot of men but nobody really talks about it. Also, unless you are super successful, that attractiveness bonus from a stable relationships and the resulting emotional stability is probably the only reason most men ever experience being seriously approached by women. Which creates this really weird social dynamic.
"I'm ugly and I'm proud" is the motto. I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship. Trust me I tried everything and failed. It's just life. It's not like people don't like me because they do the love to talk and hang around me but when it comes to relationship stuff it's like a 360 flip and it's like leaving a dog out in the cold with no light and no heat.
I am a guy who turned 22 almost 9 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend and its bothering me so much. I use dating apps but hardly any matches. I got matched with 2 girls 2 weeks ago. One is 18 and another one is 20 turning 21 in April but no plan of first date or anything. I had crush on 2 girls in my college few months ago but both rejected me. I do follow and chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in my school days and they are all 19-22 age range and I started chatting with this girl for 4 days who was my junior in my school days. Now she is 20 about to be 21 after 4 months and we only sent virtual hugs to each other today but she only sees me as a friend so idk whether I have chance with her or not
I dont know, if someone is ugly, why are they sad they wouldn't find anyone? I mean there are a lot of ugly people in the opposite sex too, who wouldn't mind dating someone ugly. Humans date other humans on their league.
I got confused by the "it's like a 360 flip" part. My skater brain was thinking: "Aahh, so you jump, scoop with the back foot, do a slight flick with the front foot and try it again and again until you land it."
Man this sucks so bad, knowing there’s some attractive guy who did nothing and is getting loved for existing, yet im putting my 1000% effort to be attractive and still fail
Unfortunately the next paradox after that is focusing on your goals so much that you don't notice any opportunities presented to you. The idea that one day it will just happen seems just as dismissive as "well, that's just your opinion"
You hold that mindset for long enough, and not only do you completely forget about the whole idea and dismiss it when other point it out, but eventually you realize "Why did I ever need it to begin with? Haven't I been doing great for myself all this time without it?" Then you see the horror stories of various failures and it only reinforces the notion that you dodged a lot of bullets. It'll never "just" happen - because you go from "not needing it" to "not looking for it" to "not wanting it" to "how much do I have to pay you to leave me be".
I've been living on my own, focusing on myself and ignoring what others say to hear my voice and body just to continue doing things I do bc I want to, but, now I'm about to get 19 yrs without 'healthy' friendships and zero relationships, the unwanted loneliness makes you change and wanting to be nicer with people if some day you would get someone special around you. The natural human urge of being social and loved by others fucking sucks and people get lost in the noise.
I might have misread, but as someone who's 22 and went through a phase of "just be nice to people to get them to like you" at your exact age, it doesn't work. People either end up viewing you as weak and inferior, or they don't take you seriously. You're a novelty to them. At best they'll greet you and pretend to care about your existence if you see them while they're out with their real friends. Do yourself a favor and learn from my mistakes. Skip the nice phase. If you're naturally a nice person like I am, only be that way with people who know and love you. Good luck out there. It can get better. Don't give up hope!
Found that even my best friends who I would do a lot for generally forgot me as time went on. They were there when they needed support but once they didn't they were gone. That's pretty much the way the world works. Being nice to people gets you used and not much else. Which sucks because I enjoy being nice to people. I've found that working customer service has helped with that; it's considered a skill to be a pleasant person to talk to while at the same time it gives you ample experience of why you really shouldn't be a doormat in your own life.
It's been a while, I'm almost 20, kinda unlucky on being in the same state, yet I'm optimistic and I've learned from some experiences, I'm just vibing and If I get lucky w anybody, I'll take the chance but not making me look needy, I realized about I focused too much about my thoughts and making asumptions in others(that crushed me eventually), and I'm still gambling(this shit about relationships is rng eventually ong) About being doormat I'm working on it and seeing some nice results, I just don't ask to help when I should, bad habits smh
i felt unattractive sometimes, but i also indulge in very time consuming hobbies like drawing, gaming, and model kits. so i rarely actually think about relationships
A lot of people find being skilled attractive. Like anytime a girl says "Yeah I draw/used to draw" I'm immediately more engaged with whatever she has to say, even if it has nothing to do with art, because I think art is neat. Even more broadly, if they're really into something that I don't know much about, I want them to go off about it.
those are just distractions. the older you get the more these distractions dont distract you anymore and you have to face your loneliness. Suffering begins there my friend.
@Keckegenkai Yeah but no. It may be true for you and a lot more people but it wont be true for everyone. Some people take their "distractions" to a whole other level, they can be really passionate about them. When you have real hobbies and activities that make you happy you wont ever suffer. Learn to be happy alone, so that you wont need anyone for it. Thats what i like to believe anyway.
Makes sense to me. Im just glad Dr K. Didn’t patronize OP. The worst things that anyone has ever told me, “you’re going to make a lucky woman very happy some day”. I ALWAYS got that from women. I would have to bite my tongue and ask, “why the hell aren’t you that person?” It’s like Dr. K said; just forget about goals that involve other people and focus on yourself.
@@andrewkelley9405 No guys have agree that we have it equally as hard but there are girls that agree that we guys have it harder. So yeah, only girls say the opposite of what you say my friend!
Being unattractive has kinda ruined my life. I avoid socializing because I literally don't want people to see my face, it's not even about finding a relationship for me at this point. I just wish I didn't feel like some kind of hideous monster.
I think you should think about therapy. When you start to avoid things because of discomfort (especially hugely important things like socializing) your life can spiral out of control fast.
@@Teilnehmer do you even know how people treat people who have UGLY FACES? WE ARE MOCKED, rejected, humiliated, met with faces of DiSGUST. This isn’t something therapy can fix.. you can’t THINK YOUR WAY into making people accept you. If you’re ugly you’ll be sociallly rejected that’s how life is. And to COPE with the pain and prevent further rejection from happening we isolate that’s our only means to stay mentally healthy.
@@kobejva I absolutely believe that this is a horrible feeling. However there are therapeutic ways to deal with these heavy emotions and pain. ACT therapy comes to mind. ACT therapy is actually not about "thinking your way out of things" like traditional CBT therapies. It stresses building the ability to feel pain and build psychological flexibility. ACT therapy is specifically helpful for things like experiential avoidance. I think trauma therapy might also be in order. The continued exposure to this phenomenon of being judged so negatively will very likely modify the brain's fear circuits in a very negative way. I know there are a lot of people who associate trauma just with some singular horrible event but the continued, year long exposure to negative social experience is very traumatic in itself and also harder to treat in a lot of cases. I wasn't trying to say "you can just outthink it" - in fact the opposite. A lot of the problems people talk about here are not on the level of actual psychiatric or therapeutic concern but this sort of experiential avoidance will very quickly become very serious if not treated.
Interesting video and a plausible approach, but I've found that this "focus on yourself, not on women or relationships, then the latter will come naturally" approach doesn't work, at least for me. I'm over 40 and still an incel (not in a bad sense of the word, I dont't hate anyone...), was awkward and shy as a child, anxious and all that. In my mid-twenties, as an unathletic type, I discovered endurance sports for myself, the training has done me good mentally, the successes have increased my self-confidence and I have made many friends. Eventually I got so good that I won smaller running races and was able to run a marathon in under 2:40 hours. I was more self-aware than before, had a daily structure and the feelings of inferiority got better, but with women all this did not bring me further, although I became more social and more relaxed in conversations. The reasons for this are, in my opinion, the following: First, the training, the competitions and all that took up a lot of time, I went out less often in the evenings and thus had even less opportunity to meet women (and the ambitious running scene itself didn't help either, as it was pretty male-dominated). In addition, my enhanced social skills in my 30s did me little good because im my teenage years (or early 20s...) I simply had missed the window of opportunity to learn how to approach women. I could talk and be funny, but still didn't know how to then become more intimate. Also, I see a second problem with the idea of focusing on a life without women:: As someone who has studied biology, I know that we are evolutionary programmed to reproduce and that the desire for this also determines our feelings. And to simply switch them off by rational considerations or distraction does not succeed in the long run (haha...), at least not for me.... But despite the criticism many thanks for the interesting video (and sorry for my bad English...)
@@Dimitris_Half Let me try to explain: When you are a teenager, it is "normal" not to know how to initate a kiss, how to become intimate, how to show a girl that you like her and want to make her your girlfriend, because everybody is inexperienced. The girl does´t expect you to be confident, to "know what you do", because she ist probably as inexpierienced as you are. You both have to learn all these things in that limited age span . This is what I mean with "window of opportunity". But while Im am writing this and thinking about the subject, I come to the conclusion that there belongs even more to that concept. As an teenager (or young adult) you also learn how it is to be in a relationship, how to introduce her to your family and friends and all that stuff. But when you are older, things have changed, everything will become more awkward. When you meet a woman in your 30s, she will expect that you have some expierience, that you know how to initiate a kiss, how to behave in a long-term relationship and so on, and because you know about these expectations you become even more nervous ans your self-esteem gets even more damaged. This concept including age-specific "transitions" ist scientifically described by Denise Donnelly et al., you can find some papers online for free. I´d like to add a personal expierience: A few years ago, I was friends with a younger woman, but she already hat a boyfriend. After the relationship ended, I met her one evening, it was a hot summer night, we were sitting outdoors o a bench very closely an had some drinks together. In the retrospective I think that I might have had a chance, but I messed it up because of my total lack of expierience. When I tried kiss her a few days later, I asked for the kiss (a mig mistake) andy failed, because I was´t self-confident enough to read her body language an initiate it (or not) without any words... rhe whole thing ended in a very awkward way, and I am quite sure that was due to my lack of any sexual or romantic expierience. I hope that made the concept understandable... It´s kind of a vicious circle: A lack of expierience produces more anxiety and lower self esteem, that leads to no future success and still no expierience and so on...
@@unfreiwilligsingle2207 I think I'm also struggling with this as a 21 y/o with most/if not all of my friends being more experienced. I have been fine for so long but hearing more and more about how active they are and talk about it, it really sticks in my mind. It feels shameful in a way because I feel like it shouldn't bug me this much
what made me tear up a little wasn't the topic of dating and relationships but the topic of procrastinating due to feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to be done to reach a complex goal.
"Creating an unsolvable problem" makes so much sense. I am not even thinking about the girlfriend part, I am talking about life goals of my own. I don't really have goals and the system we live in makes it rather impossible to be happy. I was thinking even if I try to change some aspects of my life, not much would change, so why try? Now I think what I have been doing was creating an unsolvable problem for myself. Of course I won't do anything if the problem is unsolvable, and it left me stagnant. Thank you for the new point of view Dr. K. You gucci.
Invalidating experiences by changing them from the matter of facts to the mater of feelings is not only shitty, it can be dangerous. Cheers to Dr. K for taking this guy seriously. I was seen by mental health professionals (multiple!) that, when i told them i have problem with understanding others and being understood by them, told me that i was „talking normally”, and all of this is just in my head. Later it turned out to be a mix of being neurodivergent and fallout from being utterly isolated from any influences besides my „family” up till I was 20 and moved out. My problems with communication were real. I have been treated for an illness I don't have for 6 years. With hard drugs.
Bro. You are here because no woman desires you, not because you can't improve. You cannot self improve your recessed hairline, recessed chin and ugly face. You will forever be overshadowed by attractive men who did nothing but be born.
It kinda reminds me of those memes where you're looking for a first job and they require 10+ years of experience. That basically applies to dating. And the worst part is that often venting and being frustrated about it gives you hate.
@@waddledottz It only seems not that deep because its sort of been the norm for most people since a relatively early age. Most people have their first relationships when they're teenagers, and everyone knows those are awkward and messy. If you don't know how to interact with the opposite sex, if you don't know how to date, if you don't know how to be in a relationship, things can be extremely difficult. There are a lot of things that are expected of someone in a relationship that are taken for granted by people who have plenty of experience with them. Things that are utterly foreign and incomprehensible to people who haven't. You fumbling your way through the dating stage and then the relationship itself (if you get that far) like some sort of a teenager isn't endearing, its weird.
@@waddledottz I am going to assume you have at least some experience with dating a romance. I disagree 100% with your take and I think it is/comes from a "fish missing the water around them" situation. Jumping into dating and romance in your early 20s let alone late 20s or even 30s with effectively no romantic experience is more akin to being thrown onto a black diamond skiing trail without ever having learned how to even put your skis in the first place. Furthermore there isnt even the option to start from square one, or in the skiing analogy go back to the beginners slope. When one hasn't naturally/organically learned the courting skills and behaviors that are effectively second nature to your peers, potential partners, and romantic competition it places. Even in the case of therapy or some similar program that teaches the basics (assuming it is even effective) one is still behind on years of practical real world experience in what amounts to a market with ever diminishing options.
@@mycoolhandgiveit Yeah, I had some horrible experienced in dating, but my first boyfriend is now my husband, I would've never found him if I were just being all sad "bohoo dating is hard I'm so sad I'll die alone" No, of course not, I had to get out and try, not just being stupid.
I don't know about "focusing on yourself". I've been focusing my entire life for 28 years and haven't gotten a single relationship. This is because i never chased. You have to chase. You have to take action and put yourself out there in the dating world because I never did , and all I did was focus on myself, my career, my health. Look where that got me.. single to this day.
@@icy5982 Too manny lonely men. Something that translates into giving women too much validation. They post a photo and they'll have an army of horny/desperate men throwing compliments at them. Then women only want the best of the best (who wouldn't?) And of course try to compete agaisnt each other for the 3 6 men. 6 pack, 6 figures, 6 foot tall. This means you either: a) are one of those few men. b) try yo find a partner who will pretty much cheat on you because you are not good enough. People, sex and intimacy just became products on this dating market.
The ironic thing here is that many of these same shallow people have no idea the social consequences they will experience as a result when their own looks head south. You made your bed, now lay down and go to sleep.
"You are letting your motivations be determined by the outcomes and whims of another person." I know I'm a year late, but the relevancy of this message is timeless, and it really spoke to me.
I love that smile you rounded it out with, idk it just seemed so hopeful for folk. And 100% agree spending time alone, and growing mentally is so incredible. I have become very emotionally aware of myself and have become interested other areas of psychology and stuff. 26, also a virgin and I've never felt better in my life honestly. I feel very grounded and happy with myself.
I just came across your videos tonight as I was looking at something unrelated. But the title caught my attention because this is where I'm at -- I'm an ugly guy who women don't pay attention to (in fact, it generally seems I disgust them). There's a lot of really good stuff here that I hadn't considered before, so I found the video helpful and insightful (and I am wanting to get therapy at some point because I definitely need it). The thing is, though, that I have found happiness apart from relationships. I'm a Christian, so a lot of my psychological issues have been tempered by my faith, but I'm also a musician, so I have found meaning in life by performing music for people who generally appreciate it, and I make a part-time income from it. But due to things in my past, especially as a child, being incessantly bullied, having a poor family life, girls constantly rejecting me and even threatening physical violence against me if I so much as accidentally brushed up against them, I have a lousy sense of self-worth (in fact, I really have none). Part of my issues are the fact that women don't find me attractive, so I have no motivation in life to do much of anything. I see my married friends talking about how much of an inspiration their wives are, how much their wives support them, that they couldn't do what they do without them, etc., and all I have for myself *is* myself, and, to be frank, I hate myself, so I can't look to myself for motivation. So I'm not sure how much this advice could help someone in my situation.
From experience, focusing on yourself sometimes isn't enough. You can focus on yourself all you want but still find no attention from women (hence "no guarantees" being the last phrase). It merely increases your chances, although mostly importantly it improves your wellbeing. I like the idea of framing "giving up" differently; living your life as if a relationship might not happen. It doesn't mean you should turn to despair, it's just a logical acceptance of a possibility and staring it in the eyes.
we will cope with gaming, religion, academics, money etc can't expect love when you're short, unattractive and socially stunted over for me honestly. the future is bleak..@@somedudeontheinterwebs45
the fact u can barely comprehend a life without love says it all. It proves you're at least average face and height. For truly ugly people, a life without love is the norm since they graduated from childhood, or even before that. if you're brave enough to investigate, just open your eyes. Are short ugly guys with small narrow receding jaws, hyperpigmented foldy and wrinkly skin, with receding hairlines and deep tear troughs and protruding bug eyes and tiny chins pulling girls? how delusional does a person have to be to reject this reality of lookism. This fact of Lookism which is ingrained into every species that evolved powerful Vision before their powerful Brain @@somedudeontheinterwebs45
The points in this video about goals and procrastination were really eye opening and can be applied to a wide range of situations, so I ended up sharing this video with my friends. They ended up laughing at me for watching a video titled "I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend" ;_;
I send these videos in my friend groups discord and just hope that they click on them just so youtube will recommend them some of this channels content because i know some of them need it. Even if they don't click it hopefully the tracking of data leads youtube to recommend these videos to them
As someone who experiences overwhelm constantly, especially in my work, this video is helpful on a general basis. I end up paralyzed and scrolling through a social media loop that I don’t even enjoy.
The component that was (still is sometimes) hardest for me was that I needed any fixing/improvement at all. Love advice generally amounts to "be yourself, it's about finding someone who loves you for who/what you are." Well if I need to do this huge list of things before that happens, then I just feel demotivated and less than my peers who got laid without any of that stuff. It's not always about knowing what I need to do to fix myself; it's grappling with the notion that I have to do all this stuff to be worthy of love. And if I lose any of those things, I will then also lose love.
I know exactly what you mean, and I feel the same way. It's easy for the dudes who get tons of female attention without even trying to just say "work on your confidence bro", but like... did they ever experience _anything_ that ever shook their confidence in the first place? I highly doubt it. Some of us definitely have to work much harder to even get seen at all, and yeah it feels incredibly unfair to look at that massive list of "changes" and recognize that you'll be doing all of that just to hit the minimum required threshold for romantic consideration.
17:35 "if the answer is no, change it" While i 100% agree with this, i wish you would have added "but if the answer is yes, keep it". This absurd goal of "get a girlfriend" is hurting so many people to the point they are willing to bend themselfes to try to become a person the can't really be. First, think about who you are and then try to find people (yes, more than just a girlfriend!) who want that person in their life. Thats a lot easier than pretending to be someone you are not.
I swear by it, the video titles I seem personally the least interested in on my favourite channels end up being some of their best, most relatable videos. This is a prime example; I do not feel ugly or unlucky getting partners. But I constantly set large goals, get overwhelmed, procrastinate, then abandon dreams. I overwhelm myself. I need to set smaller, more realistic goals if I want to accomplish any goal.
I'm not someone who struggles with being ugly or not being attractive but I have a few friends that do. Thank you for this video I hope I can learn something to help them and I'll make sure to share this to them. I'm scarred to lose them or let them fall deeper into depression
I think what also lends itself to the feelings of being too ugly, are those stories we occasionally see online about a person not going out with someone because because they were wearing certain shoes, or something stupid like that. I think it can lead to a "mean world syndrome" type of effect.
Society has a fixation on negativity, it tends to put that sort of behaviour on spotlight. With the internet, accessing this negativity has not only become easier, the volume of it has increased to the point where seeing it is effortless. The more negativity people are exposed to, the more they believe that other people exemplify that negativity even if it doesn't make sense, because they see it often enough to recognize it. This creates a vicious cycle on both sides. People who are convinced that the world is negative, and people who actively indulge in negativity because they see it as a new norm. We've started seeing some aspects of it, but eventually this will only cause people to disengage, because the "probability" of their effort yielding anything rewarding will only continue to fall. When it seems like the likelihood of failure is massive, and the consequences are severe, then we once again see the same situation that Dr. K brought up with motivation.
oh yeah the tinder dating is really cut throat like that when there is such an excess of options, people keep on scrolling through trying to justify not taking people for even the smallest of reasons in search of this "perfect" match, even if these reasons were something as irrelevant as a cloth item. at the end they pick no one because they are so blinded by options.
The confidence section of this video translates to: "To be good enough to get a stable partner, you already need to be the person who is good enough to get a stable partner." I know this vid is a good attempt at analysis of the situation, but it just nicely reveals the catch 22 of the entire situation. It's all predetermined, and you know into which pile you fell by the time you're 30. The next section, though, is excellent but is still an insanely difficult fight against our nature and biology as social animals.
I want to both rephrase and emphasize a point made in the video. If one has a big problem, such as writing an essay (or writing a long comment as may happen from time to time), break the problem into subgroups. Treat each subgroup as the new main goal of focus. Find motivation on that level. If one can’t succeed there, break the task up further. For writing, one can start by searching for text that one wants to respond to. One can have a doc with just quotes from videos or web articles. Step 2 could be create one main bullet points that one wants to say about that quote. Step 3 could be to give the details. I like to break the writing tasks up until I can do it within 5 minutes on a timer.
As a person who also accepts the fact that they might never find a significant other, I'm still relatively okay with that. Like, a lot of the time when I tell people about my weirdness with my communication issues because of my autism and how for most getting a girlfriend/boyfriend for them is like getting a friend for me, they seem to give me a false hope that I will find that someone when I never even expected or asked for that. The one thing I can tell you I never want in my life is to be alone, it's my biggest fear. Being someone who has to deal with life completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. If I have friends that are at the very least there for me, I am perfectly content with myself. Hell, getting a friend is already the happiest thing that could happen for me considering how hard it is to get friends anyway. And while I don't think OBJECTIVELY I might not find a significant other, I don't think it is at all likely considering how hard it is to get friends. How I view it is, I am not torn up by whether or not I can find that special someone but I think it would be nice if it were to ever happen. Of course, my mindset more aligns with me thinking I won't be a good match for that person rather than me having trust in getting one. It is largely the latter, but like I said I don't think it's impossible. Even if someone I liked felt the same way I would probably still reject them because I would think that they shouldn't settle for me. It's quite weird to say, but for someone with an inferiority complex I just don't see myself as ever living up to someone's standards and again, that's fine. As mentioned before, my main fear in life is being alone and as long as I have friends, you can trust me when I say I am perfectly content with it. And to be honest, being single does have its perks (and obviously vice versa).
You seem like a likable person. Don't worry too much. Everyone has issues with friendships. But always keep your connections going. They could be deep or superficial, but always keep them active in your life. And appreciate every good moment in all your relationships with other people.
There's... I'm not sure if it's therapy or what, but I know that autistic people can get like specialists in autism to help them learn to communicate. My boyfriend is autistic and I only found out a year into the relationship because he had a person like this helping him when he was younger, and apparently it helped him a ton. Maybe try looking into something like this?
I related to this comment a lot. I, too, no longer desire or prioritize getting into a committed, loving relationship. I used to CRAVE female-platonic friendships, bc loneliness used to be a fear of mine, too. It still is, to some extent, but that’s because I’ve realized that’s what’s going to happen to me, regardless. The one friend I have is in a relationship and I know she’ll marry one day and maybe have kids, and she won’t have time for me. Which I understand, but it’s annoying knowing I have a good 60-70 years ahead of me of nothing but me being good to not even have a community. But, ooh well.
what i dont understand about society in the past say 10 or 20 years is that i feel like im being forced to not care about the things i want in life..if i want friends.. "YOURE BEING NEEDY" or if i want a girlfriend "DONT BE DESPERATE JUST WORK ON YOURSELF AND THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME" what happened to uplifting each other? what happened to motivating one another? i feel like ive always been a deep lover/romantic whatever you want to call it and as i get older and as I've been sold the lie of "working on myself, girls will come to you" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her... I think this is a large reason why im 25 and never had a gf and why so many men will relate....everyone is great at giving solutions but sometimes we want sympathy for how hard life is...unfortunately we have to play with the cards we're dealt and the harsh reality is that some people are dealt better cards than others. Also it's easy for dr k to say to be happy on your own if he's already married. he says he got married right away in residency so he doesn't have to go through the anxiety of being scared to make friends that are women because they know he wont try anything on them...i am a good person and try to make friends with women but women nowadays are just scared i think that every guy tries to flirt with them and yea i take that into account but at the same time i cannot be a people pleaser my whole life and not be a burden..the older i get the less single women i meet..everyone is already taken or in a relationship or something man idk this is tough changing all the things the reddit poster needs to change isn't going to get him a girlfriend and that's the tough thing i've learnt through my own adversities...people always say to work on yourself but the people that have easily accessed relationships, have they worked on themsleves or not? im willing to bet some dont...life isn't truly fair so good luck to op and anyone reading this also the most toxic things people can say is "just be confident" like wtf does that mean dr k? it's like saying "have you tried turning it off and on again?"
" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her..." i find this interesting, have you worked on yourself yet though? it sounds like you're jumping to a conclusion based on what you think will happen and not what will actually happen. you are pre-empting a problem that hasnt even happened yet. try to work on yourself first then see what happens. dont back out of it cause of an imaginary situation that may never happen. live in the moment i know what you want cause sometimes i want it too, sometimes you just want people to coddle you. genuinely. to agree that yeah this world is fucked and you're treated so terribly and you have every right to wanna give up. which is true, you actually do. I'm sorry you feel this way, but definitely try giving yourself a shot by working on yourself too. Good luck
I relate to this so much as an unattractive woman the amount of rejection I have gone through is so unbearable I can't believe am in the same world with blondes who men worship everywhere and seem to get far ahead in life by using their beauty I wish I was them the amount of jealousy I have for beautiful women is just astronomical they are living all my dreams and am here a prison of my own body it hurts like hell
I also think media has a responsibility in this too. 30 years ago, he would have been able to find someone who he could pair up with and date. They would probably live a relatively happy life together. But media today has women & men chasing very unrealistic goals and expectations. I considered myself a broken man in my late teens, im now almost 40 and have been married for 18 years. The other side to this is both partners have gotta be willing to work with one another, not just leave the second one person is mildly unhappy. Thats what talking to your partner and open communication is for and compromises are a must. Marriage and relationships are serious work, if you're not willing to put in the work...don't even make yourself available because its not fair to the other party.
I have bit different option, let's say more positive, it is speeding up evolution and forces people to do and achieve more than they would do otherwise.
That's what I thought, but isn't the difference here he's saying to first reach acceptance that the bigger task is not achievable and no longer a goal?
My issue is that I enjoy my hobbies, but at the same time I'm miserable that I'm nowhere near getting a girlfriend. I just don't think the girls I'm into would find me attractive because of my hobbies. I don't even think my hobbies could get me a job. So I sometimes just feel like I'm wasting my time at my hobbies. Too bad my hobbies are the only things I'm motivated to do.
That mountains analogy is so beautiful, the mountain is an ultimate goal but the view doesn't change each step you take. But you can always focus on the smaller goals like taking a walk to the next stoplight first and chain those together because then your view changes rapidly and motivation renews along with it.
I really like the phrase "*there's more to life than relationship*" and that is very logical. I'm 25, had no sexual experiences, chosen the wrong college career path and had terrible relationship with family and some friends. I am grateful that I have found something I'm passionate about, which is drawing. And I'm holding onto this even if my parents doesn't support it! But, you know what? Even if I have this passion for something, there's still this lingering thing inside me saying: " I wish someone is here to support me along the way." I know it's wrong to think like this when I know that I'm doing it for myself, but part of me is saying that it wants to be in a relationship .
There is nothing wrong in seeking validation and support from others, especially when those you expect to support, your parents, don't. Your mind is presenting you the ordering issue, what you value more. If that's your passion, you should focus on it but not be completely blind to opportunities. By valuing your passion above relationship, you are already accepting a chance (however small or big) that you might not end up with someone, because you have something you are more devoted to. Nikola Tesla did similar thing, although he actively avoided romantic relationship, as he believed that would distract him from his passion. Other option is to acknowledge that you value support from others more, that you don't fully trust in yourself to do it alone. Which means you'll have to rearrange your efforts. Either way, what's bugging your mind, it's analogical to physical pain - something is wrong with your body and you should devout some effort to your needs.
It’s not wrong to think that way, don’t let these morons tell you that it is wrong to feel lonely. They have never struggled with loneliness and self esteem issues clearly
@@Chaz1871 being a better human being for myself, yes! But not necessarily for others. Dunno. Hearing this just makes my mind go ,,why should I be a better human for others if others are trash humans to me. I’m fine with them being trash, but why should I be better then“. A very troublesome and shallow thought there, I know. Unnecessarily hateful and generalizing. Tho its what comes first to my mind
@@Domenic1407 I think it's most important to work on improving yourself for your own benefit. As you become better, you will uplift those around you as a side effect and attract people who are not trash, then those people will uplift you in turn.
Ya i am starting to realize a lot of solutions to problems relating immutable characteristics is just massive mental gymnastics and victim blaming. Telling them to continually improve and not care about core human experiences like relationships. I fucking hate living
I'm starting to learn to not put my value as a person and as a young man through how many women I can pull. I've never had a girlfriend and that does get the gears turning and you start to not like yourself. It gets to the point where you believe you wont be happy until you get a gf. Now I'm starting to carry myself like I should which is loving myself, and really embracing who I am. Here's to a better year.
It's true. "Just work on yourself" has become one of the most overused statements. People are scared to acknowledge the dark truths (black pills) of the world. Its hard to be honest and talk about uncomfortable truths. Its easy to say a generic thing like: "Hang in there!" or "Just be confident!" Being Fake is easier then being real. Which is why so many people choose to be fake.
Wall of text incoming: It's really hard to let go of that goal. Partly because I don't want to. I don't want to miss out on such great experiences and I want to find a great partner for myself. I think for me it'll be easier and more effective to accept that if I work towards that goal the mountain won't look like it's coming closer and that's fine and I will still continue to work on it nontheless. And here's the thing: If I have relationship as my long term goal then I will be more motivated towards improving myself. That goal is already locked in, I want it, it motivates me. Why give it up? And it gives my self improvement a direction. And if I talk to people I'm attracted to I'll see them as a person regardless of their gender. Because I need to and have partly already accepted that relationships don't come fast or easily (if that were the case I would already be in one) and instead I have to talk to that person first for a long time and get to know them all the while seeing them as a person and not as a member of a gender that I'm attracted to. That will also lead to a more healthy relationship. And it will give me the chance to realize if I even want to be with that person because even if they are physically attrative that doesn't mean that I want to be with them.
I am 35 and have chosen the give up route years ago, I have bad genetics many health issues (that cannot be fixed) and don't wish to have kids and pass them on, it would be cruel imo, it's mentally tough for me so I'm sure it would be for others. I still get depressive feelings watching certain movie genre's or seeing a happy couple in RL, when I think what relationship life would be like or even sex to put it simply. I love life have many hobby's but almost feel I am burying those feelings and trying to hide behind those hobbies put on a brave face as such. I just build a bridge till the pile gets higher then re suppress those feelings and move on again for a while rinse and repeat, don't know if that's healthy or not tho hehehe Love your content Dr K, I appreciate you approach in an online environment, it's great to see you get results and not pressure people into a place they don't want to go. Keep it up mate!
Sorry to hear that. What i realized is lot of therapy for immutable characteristics is mental gymnastics to the point where you wont kys over it but never actually address the issue.
@@ree6487 If it never addresses the issue is it really worth doing...? I figure I don't have suicidal thoughts, so it would be wasting a therapists time.
I clicked on this video as background noise while I played a game, and while I don't relate to OP necessarily (I can generally get into relationships), there's a ridiculous amount of good advice here for motivation in general. Needed to hear some of this. That bit about everything being overwhelming which leads to demotivation is really a great conclusion.
The difference between conventionally unattractive and unconventionally attractive often times is just confidence and self love/respect. Me like most people know people who are conventionally unattractive are attractive because of their personality, fashion, hobbies, career and etc. Instead of focusing on things which they can't change, they put their minds to things that they enjoy and are good at. A girl with a butterface great at baking. A guy whose face looks like it went one evolutionary step down running a marathon and cycling. I have a friend, who has a burned arm and facial deformity (Split lip, massive underbite) and he has no problem dating. He owns his own business, he does body exercises no matter the rain outside, and he has a really gentle soul. He knows that some women find him repulsive, and he does accept that he gets ocassional episodes of self-doubt and loathing. But he accepts the predicament he's in and just tries to make the best of it.
Some medical conditions that cause a bit of ugliness cause a bigger toll on the body which restricts your ability to do a lot of activities and cause fatigue. If someone's problem is just literally being 'ugly' then yeah that doesn't sound very crippling in itself.
@@Alan_the_Red It is crippling. Being stared at, being constnatly rejected. Hell, it even limits your employment opportunities. All of that takes a toll on your mental health, which in turn, takes a toll on the body itself. So it's not okay to devalue just physical atractiveness, since it is important. But at the same time, it's also not okay to put all the blame just on to physical unattractiveness.
@@Envojus Ah true I know how that stuff is actually I used to be way uglier than I am right now, I just hid in my room for a long time :p It really depends on what though, like in my case it was massive red bumps on my eyelid and other nasty skin issues and goblin like movement lmao like I have had it real bad. If you just have like a big nose or a plain looking face or something, I don't really get it.
@@NourD-r4i Not really, at least in my own experience. Being attractive doesn’t work if you have a bad personality and it’s exhausting to constantly have to reassure someone who’s insecure. Maybe desperate women do that, but not women who are looking for a healthy dynamic. Being an exhausting person isn’t attractive, period.
After watching the video and reading some of the top-liked comments, I am in a confusion but I also know that I don't need to be alone in doing what I want. It's not wrong to want relationships or just being yourself. The term "healthy relationships" is a generic term and the people involved in the relationship defines it. The things in a healthy relationship can be common across a vast majority of relationships. I had a very tough childhood. I had neglectful parents and I always struggled with self-love, body dysmorphia and social anxiety. On the top of that, I don't even perform good in academics or sport. I am sure I am the special needs child Dr. K mentioned in one of his videos recently. I went outside of my city for college - and the time I spent with my friends accross those 4 years is does not even come close to the horrifying experience I had till the age of 18. The only thing that kept me going was the people around. I used to sleep like a baby during my college while I used to get nightmares in my house everyday since I don't know when. My parents didn't give me enough money in college for rent and food and me and my roommates sometimes struggled to have food for some days but I remember those days living happily - why? because I had people around. and there are so many examples I can write but that would be too long for this comment for everyone to read (which is already way too long, lol). The thing I am trying to communicate is that we human beings are social creatures and we need people around and sometimes we need intimate relationships to feel good and that does not make us losers or codependent. That makes us human, period. And the OP mentioning the rejection he faced is extremely valid and he doesn't need to suffer alone. Yes, he needs to get his hopes up( which Dr. K mentioned), but he doesn't need to reach a hypothetical body Weight/appearance to do that. I would recommend him to get therapy and figure out self-love and self-compassion. It is doable.
Yes, there is more to life than relationships. But maybe Dr. K should have emphasized that there is more to life than romantic relationships. Human beings are social creatures. When I look back on my life, the times when I was the happiest were times I remember being with friends, family, or girlfriends. A lot of our happiness in this world comes from our interactions with other people. Can someone that is completely alone be happy? I think it would be very difficult. Also, I would encourage this guy to work on himself. His crooked nose and lazy eye could probably be fixed with surgery. And he could get in the gym, build some muscle, and lose weight.
Humans can transcend their animal nature of being social creatures. Having a social life greatly increases happiness but will you just kill yourself if at one point in your life everyone left your side? The only things you can control are your own actions so the alternative is to accept reality and do what little you can everyday.
Idk bro, I have a great group of friends and a great family but i am almost 20 and have zero experience with relationships. Though i enjoy the people around me, the lack of intimacy and companionship leaves me feeling empty and hopeless and I feel lonely every single day
The problem is that letting go doesn't help. I knew as soon as I got into puberty that I would never have a girlfriend. But the problem is that there's simply no other goal to live for. There are no desires, goals, no objective to pursue at life at all. Everything is so tedious and boring. I tried to go to college but it absolutely destroyed me, there goes any hope for any good job ever in life. I did exercise and I got into a great physical shape, only to still be a failure of a human being inside. There are no creative goals in me either. There's just nothing. I am literally noone, just the empty carcass of a male human body, existing without reason. I am nothing, just flesh. I just wish I have had the chance not to be born. I can't understand how people can enjoy all this crap we call life.
@@Dimitris_Half So just to sumarise, it has always been, is, and forever will be impossible for me. Sheerly because of who and what I am. And somehow I already knew that even before puberty. I just can't stress enough how much I wish I had have the chance not to be born. I've never had even a single day worth living.
@@Dimitris_Half No one told me that, no one had to, it was obvious by just looking at my environment. Girls could only react to me in two ways: disgust or laughing at me. No one came and specifically told I would ever have a girlfriend, it was just impossible not to see, not to notice, as clear as the sky being blue above us.
@@Dimitris_Half I was referring to something that was clear, a brick wall is harder than your fist for example, that is less relative and doesn't need to be explained. But yes, it's no secret, it was my father, anger issues and frustrated with life himself. He taught me that I deserved to be bullied, although no intentionally and despite always claiming opposites things like he believed in me. So I accepted my place in the world. Naturally this made life insufferable by itself, but it carried a secondary tragedy of knowing that I would never had any female contact (whether just for friendship, lust, or, God forbade it, love!). From my perspective I could understand why I would like a girl, both in a physical way or in personality way. Or both. How could a lowly being who was lacking in the fundamental aspect of personality attract any person of the opposite sex? If a girl ever looked at me (because at the very least God let me not be ugly) it would only until they learned how I truly was. Why would I ever even want to go through the process of approaching girls? Not only I can't but the only possible outcome is atrocious. And also, and maybe even more important. Why would I want to drag any poor woman into the pit of despair I exist in. Or rather that I am?
@@Dimitris_Half My father was right tho, college destroyed me, two times. I didn't accomplished anything in life. I was truly destined to be a loser. Academically, socially, romantically. I would say that a girlfriend began being impossible but became even more so as time went by. Now not even a miracle could fix the waste that my life has become. But well, if something positive can be said about it, is that the sheer impossibility of love is the last of my problems. 2022, another dreadful wasted year stands before me. Another unreachable peak I will slowly see fading with time. I'm tired of even existing.
I’ve done some of this. Lost weight, gained it back when nothing changed. Accomplished things I can be proud of, which was rewarding while doing it, but unsatisfying after it’s passed. It all feels like distractions that temporarily elevate mood. Escapism. Would interacting with others non-romantically work? But if I help others, I’ll be valued for what I can do for them, never for who I am. Useful to have around rather than desired whether useful or not. Can I feel self-valued even if no one values me?
@@j.d.o5709 If you watch the entire video he definitely does not say it's over for you in that case. He suggests he works on himself and finds happiness outside of a relationship first, and then a relationship may or may not happen. The expectation of a relationship fixing everything is unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on someone else. Also few people are Chads or Staceys, but then so many of the people that don't fit those roles still find relationships. But it's also true that many people are superficial, so one may start with a disadvantage in terms of looks, but then one can make up for it in other ways, and some men and women don't care that much about looks. Don't blame people for being superficial if you're as superficial or even more so. And that's another important part. I see some men shame women for being superficial, while they themselves are often more superficial, specifically deselecting most women and only going for those they consider very beautiful. It makes no sense. So another way to get into a relationship besides self development is taking a critical look at who one is trying to get to know, and whether it's heavily based on looks. If you only go for those people not only are you contributing to the superficiality problem, you also limit your chances of success heavily, because the amount of people you're interested in drastically drops. And not only that: If the persons are superficially beautiful by the current standards of society, SO many people will be trying to get into relationships with them so you're like 1/1000 applying for a job. Also for this same reason those same people are likely very tired of people constantly trying to chat them up + also tired of people being interested in them only for their looks. They have to filter away so many people to even find the ones who appreciate them for who they are. For those of us not being that beautiful we already know that if most people are interested in us it's likely not based on looks or at least not solely. Plus we can generally be left alone when we want to. I appreciate that. A downside for us are the major dating apps that cater to people's superficiality, where people make split second decisions on interest or not, and rarely read profile information. So chances are better in apps that cater less to superficiality + AFK. Fx. meeting people through shared interests.
@@j.d.o5709 People exist in various states of looks among both men and women. Regardless of gender people of certain looks have a more challenging time finding a partner, all other things being equal. Women considered ugly are in a similar challenging situation. Don't overhaul your life for a partner but for yourself. It is entirely possible to be happy without a relationship, and if plagued by sadness a relationship wouldn't fix it anyway. Why was doing all the things you did a waste of time? Aren't just doing something for yourself worth the effort? Maybe that particular therapist wasn't a good fit? Tried any of the ones related to HealthyGamer incidentally? Most dating apps generally are designed for people to be superficial. It's unfortunate. Then again when people find each other from looks alone many of those relationships are not likely to last. It can work better to find someone through hobbies, work, shared friends etc. IMO. This way you can get to know people slowly and they can get to know you, without there being anything about dating involved. Maybe it will happen in some cases, but "worst" case - which is not bad at all - it's a way to get friends, both men and women. Sad to hear rejection happened AFK too. It can take quite a while there too. I think it's a bit strange that women are talked about as some monolithic entity instead of individuals - behaviour and what they seek varies from man to man and woman to woman. If someone treats you like trash they aren't worth your time anyway. Some women don't want someone vulnerable, others do. As gender norms change I think we're likely to see much more acceptance of men showing vulnerability. While I find superficiality nonsensical, it's still people's own business and choice if they want to be so, don't be angry with them. One can't ever be entitled to romantic attention. But if one is hoping for success with a relationship it could be worth personally looking into how one actually picks the people to go for, and whether it's primarily looks or not. I.e. examine one's OWN superficiality. It's honestly saddening to read that you're putting yourself down to such an extent, and likely believe it to be some objective truth.
Incel here, before there was a "modern" term for it. Im 56. Tall, but awkward tall. most of it is my legs making my torso look odd, like a mismatched lego min-fig top with twice as long legs. Face is below average....always was. "going to the gym" gave me some light muscle definition after YEARS. I stopped going. Disappeared almost overnight. Melted away. I weight 150 soaking wet. Yes, I have cool hobbies. Yes, I do have an okay job for my age. Yes, I am well traveled, and I speak a foreign language fluently. There comes a time, and it was around the age of 40 when I realized that all the "game" and "going-to-the-gym" and supposed "confidence" techniques and "being funny" just dont work. I advise all Incels to not give up hope and keep trying......but....YOU must accept at some point "the game" is over. You get past a certain age, nothing is really going to work. I do admit I did fall into a spell of drinking heavily and cocaine use....but thankfully I got out of that. I encourage you to not follow in my footsteps there, and with those things. Get a decent job. Travel. Press on....and there is a point and I cannot explain it. It gets easier. It really does....accepting your Inceldom. I wish I had better advise, and I dont think a younger man should give up....but lets be real here. You're a virgin at 30-something. You never had a date or GF (and I am sorry, a gf in fifth grade doesnt count)....you really need to change your own game and quit this "game" that has been rigged against you from day one.
Damn man really at 56? Did you have a gf before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to even get my first kiss. I started going some classes to prepare for exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college in last week of July and planning to study MBA next and there I got crush on this girl who is also 22 or maybe 23. She does sometimes try to initiate conversations with me or just say me hi with a smile daily but I just answer what she asks or just say her hi back and I am still shy to initiate any further conversations with her. 3 weeks ago she did say she finds me cute and that made me blush hard and my friends too teased me about it hehe and last week I also gave her a chocolate and she smiled and thanked me and we did a handshake but I feel worried as I see her having 3-4 male friends so I feel scared that what if she goes for either of them. Also next Saturday, me and this girl who is 19 year old did plan to meet up in Mcdonalds. We used to be in the same school but didn't know each other those days. We had been chatting on Instagram for several months and finally decided to meet but I am nervous whether she is serious about the meet up or not because I got rejected by 4 girls previously. I am excited but also afraid as I have never really hanged out with a girl before. I hope the plan doesn't get cancelled. I also asked out my childhood friend 3 months ago who is 21 now turning 22 next month and she did agree to meet up one day but I still don't know when exactly we will meet because she isn't really active on Instagram so she takes weeks or even a month to reply to my messages.
Best of luck to you! I wish I had some advice. I dont :-) I am usually better with just helping men in my situation........over 35, dateless, and the like, Incel. Because I have seen such destruction of men like this as they older.....drugs, drink......suicide. I cant make them "not ugly" and I cant fix some deep psychological scars....but I can let them know yes, "life will and does go" even if you are a good looking guy or not. @@manosijroy8282
DUDE! Wtf happened to you? I was following your videos and then your channel just disappeared. I looked everywhere for you. Here I am scrolling through the comments on this old video and I recognized your name. I need more of your relatable videos again. Man this life can suck after 30. lol.
Yet you're still here. I don't want to tell you to not give up. I'm not sure what to tell you as a 28 year old awkward obese guy, but who knows? Perhaps the answer is not in your own country. However, I want to talk to you in chat/email. I want to learn more about you. Not pity, just aroused my curiosity.
I've been rejected by females and told that I'm ugly all my life. I've cried, talk to pastors, talked with my best friend, and nothing has ever helped me. I'm going to try this an abondone my hearts desire to find a girl friend/wife and try to go on with my life. If God himself wan't help me in this area of my life, then it's up to me to do so.
The confidence section is nearly identical to what I learned in rehab to stay sober. Focusing on being a better human being is the cure for a lot of our ailments.
It doesn't help you live linger, but the other 2 are true. Being chubby helps prevents you from decreasing you max lifespan (and recent studies show it helps balance your immune system*), while being skinny or rocketing between losing and gaining weight WILL decrease your max lifespan. The only thing proven to increase your max lifespan is owning and loving pets. Keeps you alive upto 5 years longer than you would have lived. Barring things like smoking/drinking/drugs or violent accidents, your maximum lifespan is determined by your genes. Its really just how long your cells can regeneration themselves before giving out or becoming cancerous. How long you'll live is already set in stone, more or less. Working out just determines how good your body looks in the morgue, or how bad your joints are in old age. *you don't want a "strong" immune system . That means you have more allergies more likely to be deadly. A strong immune system means rheumatoid arthritis or excema. A weak immune system means the common cold becomes fatal. A balanced immune system is ideal. Truly, immunology is one of the more mysterious physiological realms of study. Every year a paper is published in a journal that more or less could be titled "the immune system is at it again!"
The description of being overwhelmed by having too many different steps towards a goal is super accurate for me. However the part that I can't follow is where Dr. K says that you should give up on the goal and grieve. The context for saying that and the whole point of this video is that someone wants to get into a relationship. No matter how hard I might tell myself that I really should give up on that goal, grieve over the fact that I'm going to be alone and accept it - there's ALWAYS going to be the thought in the back of my mind that "I'm doing this with the goal of getting into a relationship". It seems completely paradoxical to me: in order to achieve my goal, I have to give up on it. I don't know how it's possible for my brain to do that. It's kind of similar to when people say that you should meditate "for its own sake", i.e. you shouldn't meditate with the specific goal in mind of "I'm going to meditate so that I become happier". I understand the sentiment to a degree, but at the same time I just don't comprehend how else I'm supposed to think about it. Human beings as far as I can tell do the things they do for a REASON - maybe I can tell myself "I'm just meditating to see what happens", but really I'm motivated by the idea or hope that it will improve my happiness, wellbeing or mental health.
There was actually someone in Twitch who said something similar: "How am I supposed to give up something with the intention of tricking myself into getting it????? That doesn't make sense"
@Hemlocker Yup. What's even worse is that by the time you do become that person, you're no longer as interested in a relationship anymore and have become busy with many other things. You no longer have the energy and drive for a relationship like you used to have. It's like you won't get what you want when you actually want it, but you will get what you wanted when you don't want it. It's the fucked up reality of the situation. What's even worse is you can't even blame anyone for it. It's just how attractiveness works in the human brain. The reason I would want a relationship earlier isn't because I believe it will fix everything, not at all. It's simply because I wish to share my life with someone who will love me unconditionally regardless of my issues or what problems I may face. Once you get to a spot where people are attracted to your confidence and such, you are no longer as interested because you have realized that you could do just fine without a relationship, but still end up feeling lonely overall. The whole thing is just a big fucked up paradox....
"Grieve it and find something else to do". This might be the most brilliant advice I've seen on this channel so far. If the problem is insurmountable - let it go, even if it is very important to you. Grieve for some time, but try to find joy and peace somewhere else. And as the energy consumption reroutes to a different goal, and you start seeing results, it is game changing
It's interesting that this is basically the premise of MGTOW, before it was hijacked by youtubers looking for clips. Go your own way. Either girls will come, or (more likely) they will not. But who cares?
For me it’s more of a low self-esteem. I look at people on Instagram and there’s a lot of handsome men that I wish I could be but sadly I’m stuck in this body
This is how I've been living my life for the last six months, and I'm really proud of what I've done. Five months nic-free, moved to working a job I actually enjoy, started learning a second language. A lot of people in my life have been judgmental of me in this time, but *I* know I'm working towards my own goals. I've just been trying to find what my best self really is.
It's all too real the impossibility it is to have a woman be attracted to you when you have a lazy eye. "He's nice and i like his personality, but his eye creeps me out." Or just the sheer amount of women who say no and then proceed to shame me for thinking they'd go out with someone like me. It really makes me upset and even angry that people are born beautiful and take it for granted, and even use that beauty to take a higher status and hurt others.
Maybe try wearing an eye patch? After someone gets over that fact about you, maybe they could learn to love that part of you after falling for your personality.
@@bohemianprince7944 Train with me, Boss! Seriously though, that must really suck, and I totally get not feeling confident enough to pull off a certain look. That's the same reason I tend to just dress comfortably and try not to worry about fashion, cause I tend to look weird no matter what I wear. That being said... Big Boss wouldn't give a singular fuck about whether or not he can pull off wearing an eye patch. He just wears that shit anyways. I think even without that level of confidence, we can both still aspire to stop giving a shit about how other people see us in terms of physical attractiveness.
Hey, a lazy eye dude here! I do not recommend eye surgery, it's quick but it can lead to some serious problems. The success percentage is astonishingly low, I don't know exactly what number it is though, got told about it a few years ago, you could ever end worse or become blind. Instead I improved my issue with eye exercising and proper sleep rutine, it's not 100% solved but I gained some strength and now can focus the eye on command. Hope you find this useful!
I love your approach to arguments. You take a big step back and use relativity and objective logic along with some individuality depending on the case. You make sure not to invalidate the person you're trying to help but also find the issue between the lines. I just love it all. I'd love to be one of your patients.
24:16 This is something I've actually experienced in the past days. Because if YOU use OTHER people as a motivation, you risk loosing that motivation as THEY just want to continue with THEIR lives. The moment you use YOURSELF as a motivation, you will most likely never loose it, because YOU will always be with the person which motivated you (which is YOURSELF). And that, in my opinion, is why SELF-LOVE is so important, as it helps you getting comfortable with yourself at all time (including when beeing alone).
I was what you'd call an incel for the first 30 years of my life, and was a 30 year old virgin who thought myself a loser etc. I was what you'd call an incel today. Focus on yourself IS the answer. When I truly gave up on ever having a girlfriend, and focussed on myself, bettering myself for myself, I suddenly had women interested in me (and it took me a long while to notice because I wasn't looking for it anymore). When I did realize women were now chasing me, I could not understand why. Dr. K is correct that the answer is focus on yourself.
"Stop chasing it and it will get to you" Then why would i need it by that time? And yes, i can let go of the relationship thing, but what if that's not the only thing? What if your entire life is this problem? What if you as a whole is a problem?
You already kind of answered all of these yourself. Well? Do you need it by that time? This is up to you to decide, maybe you don't, asexual people exist, aromantic people exist but you don't even need to be either, many people don't care about this and it doesn't bother them in their life. Remember that marriage is a social construct just like most of our life, it's not a supremely natural thing that we as a species strive for, thats mostly a marketing campaign to sell more diamonds and make more money, animals in nature rarely have relationships similar to those that marriage sells. Humans however are by nature social animals, we create socities and make up random rules, these may not always make sense even to us, so at this point instead of asking these questions you already did, try to ask yourself if this is in fact something that you need and remember that its okay if you dont.
@@saulesalejos4483 Easy to say when you've lived a cushy modern life. Civilization collapsing won't be pretty, you'll see the most vile side of humanity before it all goes up in smoke. The bronze age collapse will look like child's play in terms of overall suffering and horrific atrocities.
u have no idea how much u have helped other people. watching videos of you, your mindset, how u approach problems, how you assess situations has helped me help so many people, including myself. you are wise.
I would like to point out that there is no "boat to miss" with dating. I had my first date at age 34, other people even much later. Your boat is still waiting for you, it's your own and it does not sail away without you. People still find love in the retirement home at age 90. Though I think it's great advice to stop actively searching for a relationship and instead searching for activities, goals and other things which can make you enjoy life, there is no age limit for love.
Yes life is unfair guys. If you're ugly the only woman that will "want" you are the single moms looking for a sucker to raise her kids. Just give up on the pursuit guys trust me it's not worth it instead of being sad and depressed get some Hobbies so what I did was I picked up tennis and swimming. I also got two dogs a German shepherd and a husky to keep me company and so could I can take to the park and play without looking like some sort of weirdo. Happiness is one step away you just got to want it.
I teared up watching this. Thank you Dr. K! Fuck the view of the mountain but the view of that one step! a step towards being confident and loving myself instead of depending too much on landing a relationship. This is it. Thank you!
I typically like this guy's content, and find most of it very inspirational. But, I just don't agree with this one. I resonate pretty hard with the reddit post personally, and I have 'given up' on the goal like Dr K explains here. All that did is make everything worse and made me more depressed, even though I was constantly working on myself. I believe for some people, including myself, it's a deeper rooted issue. I am also under the belief that the internet and media really makes the situation worse. I have friends of both genders, and the women of the group get validation daily from numerous random people online through social media etc. The men of the group do not get the same treatment from women online. Back before the internet, the women around you would have a selection of men in their general area and vice versa to pick from, giving everyone more of a chance. That's completely changed, very rapidly may I add, and in my opinion based on my observations, people have, due to the internet's influence, set absurdly high standards for themselves and the people around them, which has really fucked up the dating market and made everything much more difficult and complicated, especially for men. Though, everyone's problems and lives are different, and if you disagree with my take that's completely fine. If you're following Dr K's advice here and it's working for you, that's great, and I'm happy for you. Though, for me and my situation, it isn't. And I thought I'd share this for anyone who watched this and thought to themselves that this solution hasn't worked for them, and was confused by it.
But have you given up entirely, as in, contemplated what being alone forever means for the future and accepted that fact? If you haven't, try it out. I fixed everything in my life(obesity, financially broke and shit ton of acne scars) and i still wasn't able to get a girl. So i accepted the fact that, relationships will never happen and am at peace with it. There are so many things the world has to offer besides relationships.
@@uwuowo5406 Yeah that's exactly what I've done. All I'm saying is, I had problems with it in the past and know plenty of people who still do. For a lot of people, giving up on a goal can be pretty depressing, and for a lot of the same people, being around others is a big part in life and we would rather not spend our lives alone but it seems we more or less have no choice.
@@devildeals. my bad, your original comment gave me the impression, that you were still invested heavily in the prospects of a relationship and was displeased about the outcome. Ex) because of technology, women are choosier.
@@devildeals. even if the prognosis is true, it shouldn't affect people that have given up on relationships and accepted it. Let bygones be bygones. Hope you'll be happier my guy.
No one will proudly admit this but me and any who looks down on this is absolutely never going to find love, I was defeated and I was broken but I looked at my Anime Statues and went "I will always be alone but I will be a man worthy of them and who they could love" and I started a small workout routine to help maintain and lose some weight but also get my stats back. Depression and retail job nerfed my stats! Thus I'm just improving myself so I can be someone my Anime WAIFUS would be proud to marry.
“I am too ugly for a girlfriend” - *recommended to you*
nothing personal x3
As if I wasn't suicidal enough as it was. Google wants to kill me
algorithm getting too personal
you are the things you watch or read on the internet...
"show me your yt/tiktok recommendations and i will tell you who you are"
@@cozymoggele I’m 6’3 btw
Big ups to Dr K for not doing the whole "everyone is beautiful/handsome" and "beauty is subjective" thing that most people do when someone is honest with their feelings about their appearance. Beyond body dysmorphia, there just are certain things which the vast majority of people wouldn't be "subjectively" attracted to which can't be fixed through lifestyle changes, like facial deformities. Telling people they should love these things that they hate about themselves will only make them feel worse. And for a lot of people, the way they get treated by strangers (and even friends/family) in real life due to their appearance is what reinforces their pain, not independent self-loathing.
everytime there's a dr k video, i always think before he offers advice "if i was dr k, what would i say?" and dr k always pulls some nuggets of gold out of his ass i stg, mans got the largest cerebum
Proof that therapy is gazillion times better than friends opinion
Spot on
Validating someone's feelings about something is important in trying to make them listen and change their mindset. It's something he's talked about before.
@@Majoraspersona one of the first things I learned working in the mental health sector too. I wish it was more promoted outside of professional MH spaces as well.
the fucked up paradox of dating is that girls aren't interested and are quite intimidated at the thought of dating a man who's source of suffering in his life comes from not having a gf (or so he thinks it does). that's just a lot of pressure. you're lonely and you can't find a gf, and that makes you unlikely to get a gf. it's only when you're fine by yourself do you attract people.
so you are saying that all the people who are in relationships are all fine by themselves, that they have it all figured out. You live in Cuckoo Land mate.
@@nikolas8203 nah lol that's obviously not true. I should've said "good relationship" instead of just relationship. lots of miserable people end up together and make each other more miserable. but the good shit, the shit that makes two people better than the sum of their parts is locked behind being mostly okay w yourself.
Well said.
Most well-adjusted people don't want to be the hinge on which another adult's entire sense of self worth hangs
Vicious cycle... the more you want it the harder it is to get it
"Be happy without a relationship" -A married man
he fucking knows.
"Money doesn't buy happiness" - A man in a Ferrari.
Lmao this guy is so full of shit.
Bro...just like...be happy
Yeah, he's a gaslighter.
I really love how Dr. K is so non-judgemental and also very well-spoken in the way he approaches these people and their issues, it helps so much, makes me wanna be the best version of myself
Ikr I wish I had him as a teacher or a life coach
I think he is pretty judgemental, but he has a good control of how his judgement doesnt interfere with his action and reaction.
Then in contrast, you have the chat being there like **abandon all hope**
@@samuelmelendez7566 well, that's what we're doing with him here. And when I when Rugrats first came out when I was a kid in the 90s. This didn't used to exist being able to be with someone who you wouldn't even know could help you out out like this,lol
Well no crap lmao he has to be in order to be successful in his profession.
One of the biggest problems in our culture is the fixation on sexual experience as a determination of self-worth. Four years ago, I was in a similar position as OP, but as a depressed 22 y/o who judged himself based on having no work experience. My first two jobs treated me like garbage. Like sex, work was overhyped -- and I overhyped it even more in my mind and ignored obvious red flags during interviews. Seeing how others treated me made me realize I was treating myself just as badly. Those experiences were truly awful, but they made me grow a spine and value myself.
sexual experience is not determine your self-worth but it's still one of the biggest parts of life and it's important to be happy. At least if you're not an asexual. So, me as one who never got much sex and I'm 33 now - I'm disagreed with modern devaluing of sex - seems like people now just cold to sex. And therefore, people like me who LOVE sex painted as "perverts" which is quite unfair.
I mean, you CAN be happy even without sex, without love, without going outside, without anything. It all doesn't determine your worth and self-worth. But at the same time, it does't mean that love, sex and everything else is small, invaluable and "overrated". Not, good sex is STILL underrated, love is VASTLY underrated and so on.
No wonder why people being upset of not having this.
Moreover, devaluing those things isn't helping them at all, they just stopping to wanting this cuz it's "too hard" and just don't know what they're losing.
@@extropiantranshuman what if you don't base ALL your life on this but it's important part which you desperately want to have in your life?
"Just stop being upset of being alone and wanting sex, pervert" :)
Me for example is OK and quite happy with my life but it doesn't make me not alone and wanting sex and love.
And if I could stop wanting this - why TF am I should even search a gf and sex? What the worth in love and sex if I don't need them?
Is it self-delusion or just what?
@@extropiantranshuman oh no, here we ended up in conspiracy theories
@@extropiantranshuman of course it all worth only to a person and not to all and there's even no need in bringing on some marxist outdated thing lol.
I mean if me personally want to love and be loved, want sex and stuff - yes, it doesn't determine my worth but it's important for me to full experience. And I will literally fight for that
@@extropiantranshuman I thought it's self-evident that it's all personal, not judgemental)
"Im still going to die alone but people at least would be able to lift the casket" You gotme good, Dr K. GG well played.
Why would I care if people can lift the casket? I'll be dead🤣🤣🤣🤣
@@BillClinton228 I’d rather die knowing people cared for me then living a lonely and hated life
@@spookypoo8813 They're gonna die too some day and nobody will remember them anyway because most people are just cogs in the machine (not to mention our Sun will turn into a red giant and completely annihilate this shit-eating planet and with it every trace of humanity).
I hope you can take solace in that, mi amico. ✊
@@BillClinton228 LOL! Ikr? Like, what do I give a crap what happens to my corpse after I'm dead? Throw it to the garbage for all I care.
Holy f*ck I read this comment at the start of the video and it was still f\*cking hilarious when he said it lmao
"Get used to the idea of being alone."
I hear that and can't help but remember that there's a reason solitary confinement is considered torture.
I think he only meant that for romantic relationships
you have to get used to the idea of being alone ROMANTICALLY. people forget the importance of a platonic support system
@@laurenguttie I always hear this and as someone who has a platonic support system, I don’t think it’s as comforting to men looking for romantic partners as you seem to think it is.
@@laurenguttie nobody wants that. Stop deluding yourself and others
@@purplesuitman3764 it's not supposed to be comforting, it's advice. you don't have to take it, but people dedicating so much hope and energy into something hypothetical like that is terrible for your mental health
I'm 36 and a virgin. I'm not ugly; I'm perfectly decent looking. I gave up on the idea of ever having a relationship about 10 years ago. I grieved that ideal and moved on. Nobody has ever judged me for being a virgin. Nobody is obligated to pursue a relationship.
why did u give up on the idea of ever having a relationship?
Do you also follow Stardusk, Colttaine etc..? 😏
@@merisskenderovic1030 It was obvious that I'd never have one.
@@movement2contact No, but I googled them and suspect that they might be trash
@@joshparker5779 Oh no... 🙄
This video is gold for every procrastinator, not only ugly ones
Indeed!
me
This video hit me in a very surprising way since I didn't consider myself the audience when clicking it, the AOE Healing can be pretty OP
Also great advice for people like me that despair of setting too difficult goals for themselves.
Same!
And I'm also an INTJ
I'm 36 and in a happy relationship, but man... I REALLY wish I had someone like Dr K in my life when I was younger. Every time I watch one of his videos, I'm blown away by how well he explains lessons that I learned the hard way.
Very much the same
You just should have not play eve lol
Yeah big difference between knowledge your learn from book/videos and knowledge your learn from life
born just in time to experience dr k
I am loathe to talk about my age here, because I'm pretty sure I'll get ridiculed... let's just say I'm getting to the point where I want to punch Steve Carrell in the face for making my life a Joke. Men get judged by their worth to women. And some of us are pretty fucking worthless by that metric.
ngl, I've always hated when people say "there's more to life than relationships" or anything similar. I'm not saying there isn't, but let's not pretend love, sex and relationships are not one of the best things you can exprience. If that weren't true, then 99% of all songs wouldn't be about it, it wouldn't be a major part of the plot of every movie or a book no matter the genre and it wouldn't be what everyone around me keeps talking about in some way. I am absolutely missing out on something great (I bet at least) and it's just hard to look past it, no matter how much I try.
I've had a relationship, and there's absolutely things that rival the feeling. the pure bliss of chinese salt and chilli chicken. iced tea on a hot day. mosh pits. going for a long as hell walk then sitting down to admire the view you came all the way out here to see. watching a truly good show.
Literally, how the fuck does a licensed therapist not know what Mazlow’s Hierarchy is??
It's literally the one purpose of life, like on a purely biological level: Procreation, and ensuring that your offspring survive. All of the chemistry and hormones and neurotransmitters or whatever in the brain are evolutionarily designed for that purpose
I think what he's trying to convey here is that in such a situation where you've got 1000 things to do before you feel like you can have a chance, the harder you grasp at that goal at the end of the 1000 things, the more it's going to seem impossible and you're going to end up doing nothing.
But if you can reframe your goals and learn to let go of that theoretical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow you can actually make more progress towards it than you would otherwise.
So instead of saying to yourself "what does it matter if I go to the gym because im still not gonna get a girl?" you go to the gym for the sake of feeling better on a day to day basis, or general health, or your own body image. And in 6 months you look better, you feel better, you have some discipline and something that gets you out of the house on a regular basis. And those are all steps towards that goal.
I also don't like that most of the time the people who say that are people who are in relationships and have never been without one. It's one thing when a fellow person unable to get a relationship tells me that or hell even a monk tells me that, it's another when someone who hasn't experienced never having one tells me that.
"There's more to life than relationships." I agree logically with this, but as someone who hasn't been able to make meaningful connections with anyone (even platonically), I instinctually want to disagree bc I can't really see what value or fulfillment I could derive from my life if I continue to live in isolation. I know if I found things I was passionate about that this would bring me some amount of good feelings, but I think the absolute impact of these good feelings on my life would be extremely limited and minimized if I didn't have other people who I was genuinely close with (not even romantically, just platonically even)
Not even platonically? How I mean at work it's inevitable.
@@porkerpete7722 There's a difference between long-term acquaintanceships and actual meaningful fulfilling friendships though. I've had plenty of acquaintanceships, but nothing beyond really surface-level stuff, ya know?
@@jodiejodiejodie why agree logically? touch starvation slowly destroys people physically and mentally. there may be some outliers who can thrive in isolation, but they're probably as plentiful as people who suffer no adverse effects from only getting ~5 hours of sleep
@@porkerpete7722 idk maybe if you're neurotypical
Can relate. Sure, there might be some value in isolation, but I hate it and it makes me want to quit life.
The guy that wrote "Nah they won't be able to lift the casket cause I'm getting SWOLE" in chat made me laugh harder than I expected.
This is the way 😂
21:21
That joke is as old as time
@@bloodnivel70 this is the whey
Honestly I'm kind of proof that it doesn't matter what you do to improve yourself some of us just don't get a shot for whatever reason. I turn 30 this year, I've never been on a date and I'm a virgin.
I go to the gym 5 times a week, I look pretty decent to be honest, I have no issue talking/interacting with the opposite sex. I have plenty of confidence in myself that isn't an issue. I've spent years solely focusing on myself and I've spent years also in the "game". I have nothing to show for any of this effort I put in. Not as in I put effort expecting a result, I mean I put effort in to improving myself every moment I get. I have multiple hobbies that take me outside with people and plenty that keep me isolated.
It sounds completely resigned to admit but I'm just one of the ones that fell through the cracks. I'll keep forever working on myself because I want to but I know full well my life is deigned to be alone.
So be it.
@@Dimitris_Half It's over.
Exactly my dude! Well put. I fixed all my issues too and nothing came of it. So i just removed relationships out of my life's equation and solely focusing on myself. Gotta say it's been a blast so far, compared to my self loathing former self. Always hungry for external validation from the opposite sex. Cheers dude hope life treats you even better!
@@Dimitris_Half You are too focused on the goal and thinking and planning about the future or pining over the past. Learn how to live in the moment and learn how to appreciate the now. Just concentrate on being open, positive, and inquisitive. Stop thinking about accomplishing a target or a goal such as wooing a woman. Your only goal should be to find the beauty and richness in life and sublime feeling of living in the moment. You have to let go and just be. Learn to appreciate what is. Learn to appreciate what occurs in real-time. Go out and make good memories with friends. Be a better friend, neighbor, community member, and stranger. Be a positive light in the world, rejoin the living who are living in the present and not be chasing memories of the past or being overwhelmed about what could occur in the future.
There are 105 men born for every 100 women so even if the market distibution in dating was completly equal which it is not there are going to be men destined to die alone.
have you ever, i dont know, like, considered, maybe, approaching a girl and display the value that you have?
"5 years from now I might suicide, but people will be able to lift the casket, because I wont be morbidly obese". That is so metal. I love it.
With astronomia music in the background... 🎵 🎶 🎶..
Cannibal Corpse lyrics
It's not really "self deletion" when society literally gives you no choice. its murd3r
🤟
@@dragorn3212 wat
it's really no surprise socialization is easier once you get married. it would relieve a massive weight on the psyche because at that point you've already conquered that major goal and know you have someone waiting for you at home, so you can approach social situations from an entirely different angle. it's just like when financial burdens are no more that you feel lighter because you know things are paid for.
Socialisation? What do you mean by that in this context? Easier to make friends?
@@muzzyb2012 Talking to people like friendly small talk and stuff. The daily random encounters. Hello. How are you? Nice scrubs!
this is true beyond a sexual relationship. Just talking to people to even begin a relationship, platonic or not, is nearly impossible when you dont already have someone available to talk to first.
I'm in my 30's and I worry about the nihilistic outlook that a lot of guys in their early 20's have and how resigned they are to having the worst lives imaginable. When you are young, you totally underestimate how much life can change. I spent my entire 20's thinking I was repulsively ugly. Recently, I was looking through old photos and I was actually surprised how good looking I actually was. I have a tonne of regrets now, about how much suffering I put myself through and how many opportunities to meet women. Focus on making yourself the best version you can be with whatever hand of cards you've been dealt. There is almost always something you do to make your situation better. Honestly, I think they should be teaching stoicism to young guys (and women too) in school. It's important to have an honest assessment of how your life is, even if it is bad, but this doomer shit needs to stop.
Christianity needs to be taught!
What do you recommend for learning stoicism?
It takes way too long, I'm almost graduating now but my life has been miserable for many years and it seems impossible at least in Oregon to do much of anything.
@@Soma2501 The ones that Dantieri are the must read classics. There's a pretty good youtube channel called Einzelgänger and he does really good short videos on different philosophies and philosophers (including stoicism) and how they can help various struggles in life. They'd be a great place for a newbie to start. Piggybacking on what Dantieri said about not going down a self help rabbit hole, the most important thing is to apply the principles and insights that you learn in your life. I think many guys here are probably quite smart and are too often stuck in the 'paralysis of analysis', when they need to be applying themselves and taking action.
Whats usually the point if you feel like your life goals one after one after one just fall through?
I'm Brazilian myself and very much glad I understand English, because listening to this man has helped me more than some therapists I've had here in where I live.
Real mano. O Doctor K tem mudado a minha vida e isso só foi possivel por causa de ter como segunda lingua o Inglês. Existe muito conteudo que não encontramos no Brasil até pelos especialistas dentro das áreas.
gangue dos brasileiros
Primeiro que se foda o Brasil e a cultura brasileira. Agora falando razoavelmente, eu não entendo porque o conteúdo em português é tão diferente do conteúdo sobre psicologia e psiquiatria em inglês. Alguém tem alguma teoria sobre isso?
@@ric8167 Men, Garotas are one o the most beatiful women
This is so heartbreaking, and I can sort of relate to the OP. I'm also ugly and sexually undesirable, I'm also getting old (turning 40), never been married and am all but invisible to the opposite sex. I'd love to fix things but its too late for that now. I have no money and no one will hiring despite having a good resumé and work history. Going to be homeless again and frankly when that ultimately happens I'm putting a rope around my neck. 40 years of rejection, isolation, and lack of any love or positivity has completely broken me inside. Not looking for pity or sympathy just wanted to share a part of my story so people can say I did exist and won't be forgotten completely.
Damn man really at 40? Have you dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to get my first kiss. Since 13th July 2023, I started going for some classes to prepare for exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college last week and wanna study MBA next. There in the classes, I got a massive crush on this girl who is also 22 or maybe 23 now. We did handshake on our first class and introduced ourselves and she sometimes tries to initiate convos with me asking whether I had lunch or not and some more she does say me hi but I just answer what she asks or say hi back but I am still shy to initiate further talks with her. I am still kinda shy near girls in person so I don't really feel the confidence to initiate any conversation with her unless she initiates one with me. But yesterday she actually said I am cute as I keep smiling(like a shy smile) almost all the time in class and I blushed hard after she said I am cute and my friends too teased me about it hehe.
I also had been chatting with this another girl who is 19 on Instagram since 28th May 2023 and also asked out my childhood friend 3 months ago and she is 21 now turning 22 soon. My childhood friend did agree to meet up but she is so inactive on Instagram that I still don't know when we will meet as she takes weeks or even a month to reply to me whereas I chat with the 19 year old daily about everything and send each other virtual hugs daily. We used to be in the same school but now she is in a different college which is very near to my home tho. I wanna ask her out too but I am nervous as I get rejected by 4 girls recently and it looks like she still sees me as just a friend.
wdym ur getting too old tho? u can still meet, date and marry women who are in the same age group as u, they wont reject u
@@Evanpetersno1fan never said I'm too old, just that it's too late. I'm past my breaking point, all hope inside me has been crushed and ground to dust. I don't plan on being here much longer....
@@manosijroy8282 I have dated, had 4 serious relationships in the past and was engaged once. None of worked out and life hasn't been kind to me. Everything just keeps going from bad to worse, to the point I honestly think I might be cursed. Honestly my dude if I were you I'd shoot my shot with the girl in your class and forget the 19 year old. Worse thing she can do is say no, and you move on. Don't let the fear of rejection stop you or hold you back. Yeah it sucks getting rejected been there myself plenty of times, but the way I see it, its just the universes way of filtering out what isn't meant for you. And what is meant for you will always find it's way to you precisely when it means to. You miss every shot you don't take, and nothing good is ever gained without a little risk involved. You got this king. 👑💪
@@GrekeFenris I can't see who you replied to, but don't mean that last sentence. Is that you in the profile picture? If it is, you are far from ugly - in fact, you're very handsome. I'm a bit young to be pretending to give you advise, but I thought I'd put something down anyway. Don't give up. Turn to the Lord; He will comfort you. My great-grandfather was in his 40s when he got married, and had four children. That was back then! And he was not a very good-looking man, truthfully - but then again, neither was his wife... lol
Grace and peace to you
I kinda spent my whole life not caring about getting with women, just interacting normally with them, and I'd say being pretty confident in myself.
And nothing came out of it. Im still alone, no relationship no nothing, so I disagree with dr k in this one. You have to go get it.
Same. I kinda just try to ignore that sphere of life cause im usually fucked up. But women arent throwing themselves at ne either. So that "it just happens" stuff is bullshit
Well, you at least have to be clear about your intentions. If you’re uncertain about how someone feels, then take care of it and get on the same page. As a woman, one thing I’ve noticed is that guys often put themselves in “the friend zone” by failing to be honest about what they want. Just don’t send mixed signals. And if she is? Then move on to someone who’s clear rather than sit there wasting time.
@@hover97 if you're trying to get a female you have to wait, maybe a year of being your best self and improving and then maybe, just maybe you will get one
Yeah, just ignoring relationships is not the way to go for lots of people. Seems to only work for some people (who are often already decently attractive physically but can come across as difficult socially).
@@gameonyolo1 well im always gonna be garbage so its obvious nothing is gonna go on. I just dont know how to actually accept it
I had a colleague with abnormally deformed face. My initial body reaction when I met him was that deep-seated sadness and regret because of whatever happened to him... But then it turned out that he had that astonishing charisma and confidence in him. He really did not let his appearance define him in any way and it made him soooo admirable. Probably one of the most inspirational peoples I've ever met in my life.
See, that’s the thing. He was ugly so he had to prove himself to you. People on the opposite end of the spectrum (physically attractive people) are the opposite. They are often given praise for nothing, and all they have to do is not lose it, and it’s harder for them to lose it.
@@neverbackdown1918 I feel like you're overestimating the power of being attractive. The guy Kamil talks about might have had to "prove himself", but he did so by being truly himself and being ok with how he is (which does and probably did take work). I'm sure he is happier than a lot of good looking guys.
@@interestingcritter I think you’re underestimating the power of being attractive. You realize that attractive people get lighter jail sentences, right?
@@neverbackdown1918 This. He has to prove himself and go above and beyond just to get basic respect.
@@interestingcritter When I see a 9/10 attractive person it intimidates me. I'm probably not the only person who feels this way. No, they have extremely easy lifes in comparison and people treat them better for nothing. I don't even know why I want to treat them different than unattractive people. It's weird.
14:56 I had this same experience. After my first GF at 26, I also got more female attention due to no longer trying. Even after we broke up - I was getting over her and had no energy for dating, and actually for the first time in my life got approached by girls. The only issue is when I DO want to start dating again, all that coolness goes away, and then i become a nervous wreck again.
Yes, I would say this experience is quite typical for a lot of men but nobody really talks about it. Also, unless you are super successful, that attractiveness bonus from a stable relationships and the resulting emotional stability is probably the only reason most men ever experience being seriously approached by women. Which creates this really weird social dynamic.
@@Teilnehmer Approached how? I hardly even see them lol
i totally get where your comming from every time i get into a relationship woman seem to flock to me. then the second im out im invisible again.
Its cause bitches are like money to need some to get more. Also this is proof women are a hivemind.
If you were approached you are chad in looks. Or high tier normie
"I'm ugly and I'm proud" is the motto. I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship. Trust me I tried everything and failed. It's just life. It's not like people don't like me because they do the love to talk and hang around me but when it comes to relationship stuff it's like a 360 flip and it's like leaving a dog out in the cold with no light and no heat.
I am a guy who turned 22 almost 9 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend and its bothering me so much. I use dating apps but hardly any matches. I got matched with 2 girls 2 weeks ago. One is 18 and another one is 20 turning 21 in April but no plan of first date or anything. I had crush on 2 girls in my college few months ago but both rejected me.
I do follow and chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in my school days and they are all 19-22 age range and I started chatting with this girl for 4 days who was my junior in my school days. Now she is 20 about to be 21 after 4 months and we only sent virtual hugs to each other today but she only sees me as a friend so idk whether I have chance with her or not
@@manosijroy8282 learn about blackpill, then you will know whether you will get a girlfriend or not.
I dont know, if someone is ugly, why are they sad they wouldn't find anyone? I mean there are a lot of ugly people in the opposite sex too, who wouldn't mind dating someone ugly.
Humans date other humans on their league.
I got confused by the "it's like a 360 flip" part.
My skater brain was thinking: "Aahh, so you jump, scoop with the back foot, do a slight flick with the front foot and try it again and again until you land it."
Man this sucks so bad, knowing there’s some attractive guy who did nothing and is getting loved for existing, yet im putting my 1000% effort to be attractive and still fail
Unfortunately the next paradox after that is focusing on your goals so much that you don't notice any opportunities presented to you. The idea that one day it will just happen seems just as dismissive as "well, that's just your opinion"
You took the thoughts right out of my mind and plastered them back on the screen
You hold that mindset for long enough, and not only do you completely forget about the whole idea and dismiss it when other point it out, but eventually you realize "Why did I ever need it to begin with? Haven't I been doing great for myself all this time without it?" Then you see the horror stories of various failures and it only reinforces the notion that you dodged a lot of bullets.
It'll never "just" happen - because you go from "not needing it" to "not looking for it" to "not wanting it" to "how much do I have to pay you to leave me be".
@@bleung2274 so basically, train yourself to enjoy being forever alone? Sounds like a great solution...
Easy for Dr. K to say to just give up on relationships and accept you might be alone forever when he has a wife and children lmao
@@ponternal ikr lmao. "After i got married i didnt care about any of that stuff" well no shit
I've been living on my own, focusing on myself and ignoring what others say to hear my voice and body just to continue doing things I do bc I want to, but, now I'm about to get 19 yrs without 'healthy' friendships and zero relationships, the unwanted loneliness makes you change and wanting to be nicer with people if some day you would get someone special around you. The natural human urge of being social and loved by others fucking sucks and people get lost in the noise.
I might have misread, but as someone who's 22 and went through a phase of "just be nice to people to get them to like you" at your exact age, it doesn't work. People either end up viewing you as weak and inferior, or they don't take you seriously. You're a novelty to them. At best they'll greet you and pretend to care about your existence if you see them while they're out with their real friends.
Do yourself a favor and learn from my mistakes. Skip the nice phase. If you're naturally a nice person like I am, only be that way with people who know and love you.
Good luck out there. It can get better. Don't give up hope!
Found that even my best friends who I would do a lot for generally forgot me as time went on. They were there when they needed support but once they didn't they were gone. That's pretty much the way the world works. Being nice to people gets you used and not much else. Which sucks because I enjoy being nice to people. I've found that working customer service has helped with that; it's considered a skill to be a pleasant person to talk to while at the same time it gives you ample experience of why you really shouldn't be a doormat in your own life.
It's been a while, I'm almost 20, kinda unlucky on being in the same state, yet I'm optimistic and I've learned from some experiences, I'm just vibing and If I get lucky w anybody, I'll take the chance but not making me look needy, I realized about I focused too much about my thoughts and making asumptions in others(that crushed me eventually), and I'm still gambling(this shit about relationships is rng eventually ong)
About being doormat I'm working on it and seeing some nice results, I just don't ask to help when I should, bad habits smh
i felt unattractive sometimes, but i also indulge in very time consuming hobbies like drawing, gaming, and model kits. so i rarely actually think about relationships
suffer
A lot of people find being skilled attractive. Like anytime a girl says "Yeah I draw/used to draw" I'm immediately more engaged with whatever she has to say, even if it has nothing to do with art, because I think art is neat. Even more broadly, if they're really into something that I don't know much about, I want them to go off about it.
@@NightWing1800 A lot of people are attracted to bones
those are just distractions. the older you get the more these distractions dont distract you anymore and you have to face your loneliness. Suffering begins there my friend.
@Keckegenkai Yeah but no. It may be true for you and a lot more people but it wont be true for everyone. Some people take their "distractions" to a whole other level, they can be really passionate about them. When you have real hobbies and activities that make you happy you wont ever suffer. Learn to be happy alone, so that you wont need anyone for it. Thats what i like to believe anyway.
I mean this with full sincerity: You are exactly what young, introverted people need right now. You are doing such good work.
Bunch of useless nonsense to pad view time... He could started with "you might be right", and cut the rest of crap.
@@VadimBolshakovplenty of useful information in this
@@VadimBolshakovi personally gain a lot of knowledge from his videos, and confidence. One of the things that has partly stopped my suicidal thoughts
Makes sense to me. Im just glad Dr K. Didn’t patronize OP. The worst things that anyone has ever told me, “you’re going to make a lucky woman very happy some day”. I ALWAYS got that from women. I would have to bite my tongue and ask, “why the hell aren’t you that person?” It’s like Dr. K said; just forget about goals that involve other people and focus on yourself.
Always a bad idea to take advice from women on this, they simply can’t relate so anything they say will come across as patronizing
@@Trynottoblink well and they have it so much easier when it comes to picking dates; and idgaf what anyone else says, that is 100% correct.
@@Trynottoblink > they simply can’t relate so anything they say will come across as patronizing
Yep! Couldn't had said it better.
@@andrewkelley9405 No guys have agree that we have it equally as hard but there are girls that agree that we guys have it harder. So yeah, only girls say the opposite of what you say my friend!
Being unattractive has kinda ruined my life. I avoid socializing because I literally don't want people to see my face, it's not even about finding a relationship for me at this point. I just wish I didn't feel like some kind of hideous monster.
I think you should think about therapy. When you start to avoid things because of discomfort (especially hugely important things like socializing) your life can spiral out of control fast.
@@Teilnehmer do you even know how people treat people who have UGLY FACES? WE ARE MOCKED, rejected, humiliated, met with faces of DiSGUST.
This isn’t something therapy can fix.. you can’t THINK YOUR WAY into making people accept you. If you’re ugly you’ll be sociallly rejected that’s how life is. And to COPE with the pain and prevent further rejection from happening we isolate that’s our only means to stay mentally healthy.
@@kobejva Well have you tried every solution that is out there? And I mean EVERY solution for atleast 5 months to a year?
@@kobejva I absolutely believe that this is a horrible feeling. However there are therapeutic ways to deal with these heavy emotions and pain. ACT therapy comes to mind. ACT therapy is actually not about "thinking your way out of things" like traditional CBT therapies. It stresses building the ability to feel pain and build psychological flexibility. ACT therapy is specifically helpful for things like experiential avoidance. I think trauma therapy might also be in order. The continued exposure to this phenomenon of being judged so negatively will very likely modify the brain's fear circuits in a very negative way. I know there are a lot of people who associate trauma just with some singular horrible event but the continued, year long exposure to negative social experience is very traumatic in itself and also harder to treat in a lot of cases.
I wasn't trying to say "you can just outthink it" - in fact the opposite. A lot of the problems people talk about here are not on the level of actual psychiatric or therapeutic concern but this sort of experiential avoidance will very quickly become very serious if not treated.
@@Teilnehmer bullshit. Socialising are for normies with above 5 looks. Many men meet neither of those criteria
Interesting video and a plausible approach, but I've found that this "focus on yourself, not on women or relationships, then the latter will come naturally" approach doesn't work, at least for me. I'm over 40 and still an incel (not in a bad sense of the word, I dont't hate anyone...), was awkward and shy as a child, anxious and all that. In my mid-twenties, as an unathletic type, I discovered endurance sports for myself, the training has done me good mentally, the successes have increased my self-confidence and I have made many friends. Eventually I got so good that I won smaller running races and was able to run a marathon in under 2:40 hours. I was more self-aware than before, had a daily structure and the feelings of inferiority got better, but with women all this did not bring me further, although I became more social and more relaxed in conversations. The reasons for this are, in my opinion, the following: First, the training, the competitions and all that took up a lot of time, I went out less often in the evenings and thus had even less opportunity to meet women (and the ambitious running scene itself didn't help either, as it was pretty male-dominated). In addition, my enhanced social skills in my 30s did me little good because im my teenage years (or early 20s...) I simply had missed the window of opportunity to learn how to approach women. I could talk and be funny, but still didn't know how to then become more intimate. Also, I see a second problem with the idea of focusing on a life without women:: As someone who has studied biology, I know that we are evolutionary programmed to reproduce and that the desire for this also determines our feelings. And to simply switch them off by rational considerations or distraction does not succeed in the long run (haha...), at least not for me....
But despite the criticism many thanks for the interesting video (and sorry for my bad English...)
@@Dimitris_Half Let me try to explain: When you are a teenager, it is "normal" not to know how to initate a kiss, how to become intimate, how to show a girl that you like her and want to make her your girlfriend, because everybody is inexperienced. The girl does´t expect you to be confident, to "know what you do", because she ist probably as inexpierienced as you are. You both have to learn all these things in that limited age span . This is what I mean with "window of opportunity". But while Im am writing this and thinking about the subject, I come to the conclusion that there belongs even more to that concept. As an teenager (or young adult) you also learn how it is to be in a relationship, how to introduce her to your family and friends and all that stuff. But when you are older, things have changed, everything will become more awkward. When you meet a woman in your 30s, she will expect that you have some expierience, that you know how to initiate a kiss, how to behave in a long-term relationship and so on, and because you know about these expectations you become even more nervous ans your self-esteem gets even more damaged. This concept including age-specific "transitions" ist scientifically described by Denise Donnelly et al., you can find some papers online for free.
I´d like to add a personal expierience: A few years ago, I was friends with a younger woman, but she already hat a boyfriend. After the relationship ended, I met her one evening, it was a hot summer night, we were sitting outdoors o a bench very closely an had some drinks together. In the retrospective I think that I might have had a chance, but I messed it up because of my total lack of expierience. When I tried kiss her a few days later, I asked for the kiss (a mig mistake) andy failed, because I was´t self-confident enough to read her body language an initiate it (or not) without any words... rhe whole thing ended in a very awkward way, and I am quite sure that was due to my lack of any sexual or romantic expierience.
I hope that made the concept understandable... It´s kind of a vicious circle: A lack of expierience produces more anxiety and lower self esteem, that leads to no future success and still no expierience and so on...
@@unfreiwilligsingle2207 I think I'm also struggling with this as a 21 y/o with most/if not all of my friends being more experienced. I have been fine for so long but hearing more and more about how active they are and talk about it, it really sticks in my mind. It feels shameful in a way because I feel like it shouldn't bug me this much
@@exo.dus.1180 i feel exactly like you
you just havent worked hard enough on you bro
just be yourself bro
this is what people who looked to Andrew Tate for help need. Actual positvity and good, self empowering advice.
This is what Andrew Tate says he's just louder and more rude about it lol
@@comebackqing8452 i didnt take it that way but icl i wasnt really listening lol
Real men don’t cry
Tate still living rent free in the female conscious lol.
Y'all just don't like a masculine man who helps young boys become more masculine right?
@@comebackqing8452 no Andrew tate is sexist, and objectifies the women around him including his own grandmother, and underage women
what made me tear up a little wasn't the topic of dating and relationships but the topic of procrastinating due to feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to be done to reach a complex goal.
"Creating an unsolvable problem" makes so much sense. I am not even thinking about the girlfriend part, I am talking about life goals of my own. I don't really have goals and the system we live in makes it rather impossible to be happy. I was thinking even if I try to change some aspects of my life, not much would change, so why try? Now I think what I have been doing was creating an unsolvable problem for myself. Of course I won't do anything if the problem is unsolvable, and it left me stagnant. Thank you for the new point of view Dr. K. You gucci.
Invalidating experiences by changing them from the matter of facts to the mater of feelings is not only shitty, it can be dangerous. Cheers to Dr. K for taking this guy seriously.
I was seen by mental health professionals (multiple!) that, when i told them i have problem with understanding others and being understood by them, told me that i was „talking normally”, and all of this is just in my head.
Later it turned out to be a mix of being neurodivergent and fallout from being utterly isolated from any influences besides my „family” up till I was 20 and moved out.
My problems with communication were real.
I have been treated for an illness I don't have for 6 years. With hard drugs.
Technically that would mean it’s all in your head…
proper skitzo coping @@kaekae1782
Bro. You are here because no woman desires you, not because you can't improve. You cannot self improve your recessed hairline, recessed chin and ugly face.
You will forever be overshadowed by attractive men who did nothing but be born.
It kinda reminds me of those memes where you're looking for a first job and they require 10+ years of experience. That basically applies to dating.
And the worst part is that often venting and being frustrated about it gives you hate.
Explains how guys get rapped up in red pill
I don't think you need experience for dating, just basic common sense and not being a weirdo, having social awareness, it's not that deep
@@waddledottz It only seems not that deep because its sort of been the norm for most people since a relatively early age. Most people have their first relationships when they're teenagers, and everyone knows those are awkward and messy. If you don't know how to interact with the opposite sex, if you don't know how to date, if you don't know how to be in a relationship, things can be extremely difficult. There are a lot of things that are expected of someone in a relationship that are taken for granted by people who have plenty of experience with them. Things that are utterly foreign and incomprehensible to people who haven't. You fumbling your way through the dating stage and then the relationship itself (if you get that far) like some sort of a teenager isn't endearing, its weird.
@@waddledottz I am going to assume you have at least some experience with dating a romance. I disagree 100% with your take and I think it is/comes from a "fish missing the water around them" situation. Jumping into dating and romance in your early 20s let alone late 20s or even 30s with effectively no romantic experience is more akin to being thrown onto a black diamond skiing trail without ever having learned how to even put your skis in the first place. Furthermore there isnt even the option to start from square one, or in the skiing analogy go back to the beginners slope. When one hasn't naturally/organically learned the courting skills and behaviors that are effectively second nature to your peers, potential partners, and romantic competition it places. Even in the case of therapy or some similar program that teaches the basics (assuming it is even effective) one is still behind on years of practical real world experience in what amounts to a market with ever diminishing options.
@@mycoolhandgiveit Yeah, I had some horrible experienced in dating, but my first boyfriend is now my husband, I would've never found him if I were just being all sad "bohoo dating is hard I'm so sad I'll die alone" No, of course not, I had to get out and try, not just being stupid.
I don't know about "focusing on yourself". I've been focusing my entire life for 28 years and haven't gotten a single relationship. This is because i never chased. You have to chase. You have to take action and put yourself out there in the dating world because I never did , and all I did was focus on myself, my career, my health. Look where that got me.. single to this day.
The dating market IS rigged....
@@rijusnar1994 how is it rigged?
@@icy5982
Too manny lonely men.
Something that translates into giving women too much validation.
They post a photo and they'll have an army of horny/desperate men throwing compliments at them.
Then women only want the best of the best (who wouldn't?) And of course try to compete agaisnt each other for the 3 6 men.
6 pack, 6 figures, 6 foot tall.
This means you either:
a) are one of those few men.
b) try yo find a partner who will pretty much cheat on you because you are not good enough.
People, sex and intimacy just became products on this dating market.
Agreed, you need to take action -coming from a single introvert
@@icy5982it is rigged against men
Why are we trying to act like better-looking people don't get treated better by society simply for being better looking? People are shallow.
We're not lol. Everybody knows that. What helps is to respect that fact and move on with your life
Perspective is everything. They need to walk in the persons shoes to understand. We live in a shallow world, indeed.
I mean people are aware just they lie it is not to deal with it better
Nobody here said that wasn't the case. Now get over it and stop being resentful about things you can't change.
The ironic thing here is that many of these same shallow people have no idea the social consequences they will experience as a result when their own looks head south. You made your bed, now lay down and go to sleep.
Imagine if he just posted a 10 second video saying “yes.”
rip XD
It would kill his career but would be incredibly based
@dcard228 it would probably kill the OP as well 💀
Yeah let me be brutally blackpill honest for once
It would make for a great shitpost status
"You are letting your motivations be determined by the outcomes and whims of another person."
I know I'm a year late, but the relevancy of this message is timeless, and it really spoke to me.
I procrastinate my work by listening dr.K talk about procrastination.
I love that smile you rounded it out with, idk it just seemed so hopeful for folk.
And 100% agree spending time alone, and growing mentally is so incredible. I have become very emotionally aware of myself and have become interested other areas of psychology and stuff. 26, also a virgin and I've never felt better in my life honestly. I feel very grounded and happy with myself.
Can't imagine Dr K not being a nice and warm person at work
I just came across your videos tonight as I was looking at something unrelated. But the title caught my attention because this is where I'm at -- I'm an ugly guy who women don't pay attention to (in fact, it generally seems I disgust them). There's a lot of really good stuff here that I hadn't considered before, so I found the video helpful and insightful (and I am wanting to get therapy at some point because I definitely need it). The thing is, though, that I have found happiness apart from relationships. I'm a Christian, so a lot of my psychological issues have been tempered by my faith, but I'm also a musician, so I have found meaning in life by performing music for people who generally appreciate it, and I make a part-time income from it. But due to things in my past, especially as a child, being incessantly bullied, having a poor family life, girls constantly rejecting me and even threatening physical violence against me if I so much as accidentally brushed up against them, I have a lousy sense of self-worth (in fact, I really have none). Part of my issues are the fact that women don't find me attractive, so I have no motivation in life to do much of anything. I see my married friends talking about how much of an inspiration their wives are, how much their wives support them, that they couldn't do what they do without them, etc., and all I have for myself *is* myself, and, to be frank, I hate myself, so I can't look to myself for motivation. So I'm not sure how much this advice could help someone in my situation.
From experience, focusing on yourself sometimes isn't enough. You can focus on yourself all you want but still find no attention from women (hence "no guarantees" being the last phrase). It merely increases your chances, although mostly importantly it improves your wellbeing.
I like the idea of framing "giving up" differently; living your life as if a relationship might not happen. It doesn't mean you should turn to despair, it's just a logical acceptance of a possibility and staring it in the eyes.
That's brutal
It abso*lutely* means you turn to despair. What??? A life with NO ONE to love? Are you nuts?
we will cope with gaming, religion, academics, money etc
can't expect love when you're short, unattractive and socially stunted
over for me honestly. the future is bleak..@@somedudeontheinterwebs45
the fact u can barely comprehend a life without love says it all. It proves you're at least average face and height.
For truly ugly people, a life without love is the norm since they graduated from childhood, or even before that.
if you're brave enough to investigate, just open your eyes. Are short ugly guys with small narrow receding jaws, hyperpigmented foldy and wrinkly skin, with receding hairlines and deep tear troughs and protruding bug eyes and tiny chins pulling girls? how delusional does a person have to be to reject this reality of lookism. This fact of Lookism which is ingrained into every species that evolved powerful Vision before their powerful Brain
@@somedudeontheinterwebs45
The points in this video about goals and procrastination were really eye opening and can be applied to a wide range of situations, so I ended up sharing this video with my friends. They ended up laughing at me for watching a video titled "I Am Too Ugly for a Girlfriend" ;_;
sometimes it's better to keep wisdom to yourself
@@liviasilva3333 Yeah, though it's better to share it most of the times, but if they don't want a help. Grant them.
That's so sad but hilarious at the same time. dw bro, in my book you're a legend.
I send these videos in my friend groups discord and just hope that they click on them just so youtube will recommend them some of this channels content because i know some of them need it. Even if they don't click it hopefully the tracking of data leads youtube to recommend these videos to them
Sounds like you need some new friends. Smh some people 😔
As someone who experiences overwhelm constantly, especially in my work, this video is helpful on a general basis. I end up paralyzed and scrolling through a social media loop that I don’t even enjoy.
The component that was (still is sometimes) hardest for me was that I needed any fixing/improvement at all. Love advice generally amounts to "be yourself, it's about finding someone who loves you for who/what you are." Well if I need to do this huge list of things before that happens, then I just feel demotivated and less than my peers who got laid without any of that stuff. It's not always about knowing what I need to do to fix myself; it's grappling with the notion that I have to do all this stuff to be worthy of love. And if I lose any of those things, I will then also lose love.
I know exactly what you mean, and I feel the same way. It's easy for the dudes who get tons of female attention without even trying to just say "work on your confidence bro", but like... did they ever experience _anything_ that ever shook their confidence in the first place? I highly doubt it. Some of us definitely have to work much harder to even get seen at all, and yeah it feels incredibly unfair to look at that massive list of "changes" and recognize that you'll be doing all of that just to hit the minimum required threshold for romantic consideration.
17:35 "if the answer is no, change it" While i 100% agree with this, i wish you would have added "but if the answer is yes, keep it". This absurd goal of "get a girlfriend" is hurting so many people to the point they are willing to bend themselfes to try to become a person the can't really be. First, think about who you are and then try to find people (yes, more than just a girlfriend!) who want that person in their life.
Thats a lot easier than pretending to be someone you are not.
This channel is literally reading me and honestly I'm not following every advice but accepting my failures
It all starts with noticing and accepting. The rest will follow gradually almost as a natural consequences of doing the first two
@@j.d.o5709 💀🤦
I swear by it, the video titles I seem personally the least interested in on my favourite channels end up being some of their best, most relatable videos. This is a prime example; I do not feel ugly or unlucky getting partners. But I constantly set large goals, get overwhelmed, procrastinate, then abandon dreams. I overwhelm myself. I need to set smaller, more realistic goals if I want to accomplish any goal.
I'm not someone who struggles with being ugly or not being attractive but I have a few friends that do. Thank you for this video I hope I can learn something to help them and I'll make sure to share this to them. I'm scarred to lose them or let them fall deeper into depression
I wish I had a friend like you
Help get them some bitches and their perspective will change
Maybe the deep rooted issue is the depression not the fact that they are not convencionally "atrractive"
I think what also lends itself to the feelings of being too ugly, are those stories we occasionally see online about a person not going out with someone because because they were wearing certain shoes, or something stupid like that. I think it can lead to a "mean world syndrome" type of effect.
Society has a fixation on negativity, it tends to put that sort of behaviour on spotlight. With the internet, accessing this negativity has not only become easier, the volume of it has increased to the point where seeing it is effortless. The more negativity people are exposed to, the more they believe that other people exemplify that negativity even if it doesn't make sense, because they see it often enough to recognize it.
This creates a vicious cycle on both sides. People who are convinced that the world is negative, and people who actively indulge in negativity because they see it as a new norm. We've started seeing some aspects of it, but eventually this will only cause people to disengage, because the "probability" of their effort yielding anything rewarding will only continue to fall. When it seems like the likelihood of failure is massive, and the consequences are severe, then we once again see the same situation that Dr. K brought up with motivation.
It's because women do tiktoks in which they talk about from how many guys they got laid and how they still haven't found the right one.
Or they can just be ugly it isn't always made up
oh yeah the tinder dating is really cut throat like that
when there is such an excess of options, people keep on scrolling through trying to justify not taking people for even the smallest of reasons in search of this "perfect" match, even if these reasons were something as irrelevant as a cloth item.
at the end they pick no one because they are so blinded by options.
The confidence section of this video translates to: "To be good enough to get a stable partner, you already need to be the person who is good enough to get a stable partner." I know this vid is a good attempt at analysis of the situation, but it just nicely reveals the catch 22 of the entire situation. It's all predetermined, and you know into which pile you fell by the time you're 30. The next section, though, is excellent but is still an insanely difficult fight against our nature and biology as social animals.
I want to both rephrase and emphasize a point made in the video.
If one has a big problem, such as writing an essay (or writing a long comment as may happen from time to time), break the problem into subgroups. Treat each subgroup as the new main goal of focus. Find motivation on that level. If one can’t succeed there, break the task up further.
For writing, one can start by searching for text that one wants to respond to. One can have a doc with just quotes from videos or web articles. Step 2 could be create one main bullet points that one wants to say about that quote. Step 3 could be to give the details. I like to break the writing tasks up until I can do it within 5 minutes on a timer.
As a person who also accepts the fact that they might never find a significant other, I'm still relatively okay with that. Like, a lot of the time when I tell people about my weirdness with my communication issues because of my autism and how for most getting a girlfriend/boyfriend for them is like getting a friend for me, they seem to give me a false hope that I will find that someone when I never even expected or asked for that. The one thing I can tell you I never want in my life is to be alone, it's my biggest fear. Being someone who has to deal with life completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. If I have friends that are at the very least there for me, I am perfectly content with myself. Hell, getting a friend is already the happiest thing that could happen for me considering how hard it is to get friends anyway. And while I don't think OBJECTIVELY I might not find a significant other, I don't think it is at all likely considering how hard it is to get friends. How I view it is, I am not torn up by whether or not I can find that special someone but I think it would be nice if it were to ever happen. Of course, my mindset more aligns with me thinking I won't be a good match for that person rather than me having trust in getting one. It is largely the latter, but like I said I don't think it's impossible. Even if someone I liked felt the same way I would probably still reject them because I would think that they shouldn't settle for me. It's quite weird to say, but for someone with an inferiority complex I just don't see myself as ever living up to someone's standards and again, that's fine. As mentioned before, my main fear in life is being alone and as long as I have friends, you can trust me when I say I am perfectly content with it. And to be honest, being single does have its perks (and obviously vice versa).
@@metaphysicalparadox It's aight, you don't have to. :b
I love you. I wish you the best
You seem like a likable person. Don't worry too much. Everyone has issues with friendships. But always keep your connections going. They could be deep or superficial, but always keep them active in your life. And appreciate every good moment in all your relationships with other people.
There's... I'm not sure if it's therapy or what, but I know that autistic people can get like specialists in autism to help them learn to communicate. My boyfriend is autistic and I only found out a year into the relationship because he had a person like this helping him when he was younger, and apparently it helped him a ton. Maybe try looking into something like this?
I related to this comment a lot.
I, too, no longer desire or prioritize getting into a committed, loving relationship. I used to CRAVE female-platonic friendships, bc loneliness used to be a fear of mine, too. It still is, to some extent, but that’s because I’ve realized that’s what’s going to happen to me, regardless. The one friend I have is in a relationship and I know she’ll marry one day and maybe have kids, and she won’t have time for me. Which I understand, but it’s annoying knowing I have a good 60-70 years ahead of me of nothing but me being good to not even have a community. But, ooh well.
what i dont understand about society in the past say 10 or 20 years is that i feel like im being forced to not care about the things i want in life..if i want friends.. "YOURE BEING NEEDY" or if i want a girlfriend "DONT BE DESPERATE JUST WORK ON YOURSELF AND THE RIGHT ONE WILL COME" what happened to uplifting each other? what happened to motivating one another? i feel like ive always been a deep lover/romantic whatever you want to call it and as i get older and as I've been sold the lie of "working on myself, girls will come to you" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her...
I think this is a large reason why im 25 and never had a gf and why so many men will relate....everyone is great at giving solutions but sometimes we want sympathy for how hard life is...unfortunately we have to play with the cards we're dealt and the harsh reality is that some people are dealt better cards than others. Also it's easy for dr k to say to be happy on your own if he's already married. he says he got married right away in residency so he doesn't have to go through the anxiety of being scared to make friends that are women because they know he wont try anything on them...i am a good person and try to make friends with women but women nowadays are just scared i think that every guy tries to flirt with them and yea i take that into account but at the same time i cannot be a people pleaser my whole life and not be a burden..the older i get the less single women i meet..everyone is already taken or in a relationship or something man idk this is tough
changing all the things the reddit poster needs to change isn't going to get him a girlfriend and that's the tough thing i've learnt through my own adversities...people always say to work on yourself but the people that have easily accessed relationships, have they worked on themsleves or not? im willing to bet some dont...life isn't truly fair so good luck to op and anyone reading this
also the most toxic things people can say is "just be confident" like wtf does that mean dr k? it's like saying "have you tried turning it off and on again?"
" that i love less and less..because i feel forced by society to not care about wanting friends or a girlfriend and this scares me because when i do get a girlfriend what if i just dont care enough to show interest/ be committed to the relationship because I've been "working on myself" for too long? then she might think im just not into her..."
i find this interesting, have you worked on yourself yet though? it sounds like you're jumping to a conclusion based on what you think will happen and not what will actually happen. you are pre-empting a problem that hasnt even happened yet. try to work on yourself first then see what happens. dont back out of it cause of an imaginary situation that may never happen. live in the moment
i know what you want cause sometimes i want it too, sometimes you just want people to coddle you. genuinely. to agree that yeah this world is fucked and you're treated so terribly and you have every right to wanna give up. which is true, you actually do. I'm sorry you feel this way, but definitely try giving yourself a shot by working on yourself too. Good luck
I relate to this so much as an unattractive woman the amount of rejection I have gone through is so unbearable I can't believe am in the same world with blondes who men worship everywhere and seem to get far ahead in life by using their beauty I wish I was them the amount of jealousy I have for beautiful women is just astronomical they are living all my dreams and am here a prison of my own body it hurts like hell
I also think media has a responsibility in this too. 30 years ago, he would have been able to find someone who he could pair up with and date. They would probably live a relatively happy life together. But media today has women & men chasing very unrealistic goals and expectations. I considered myself a broken man in my late teens, im now almost 40 and have been married for 18 years. The other side to this is both partners have gotta be willing to work with one another, not just leave the second one person is mildly unhappy. Thats what talking to your partner and open communication is for and compromises are a must. Marriage and relationships are serious work, if you're not willing to put in the work...don't even make yourself available because its not fair to the other party.
I have bit different option, let's say more positive, it is speeding up evolution and forces people to do and achieve more than they would do otherwise.
@@MrToradragon thats part of the cycle as well.
@@MrToradragon Nice social darwinism bro. I see the general point though. Weak men create hard times, hard times create strong men...
@@MrToradragon Ad to this that only Chads can reproduce so only the good genes live further and all ugly man's genes die with them. What a fuc***
What I mainly took away from this video is Dr K's "Pornography! Woohoo, here we go!" which is now my wake up alarm sound.
Basically a description of "breaking a big task up into smaller parts/goals".
That's what I thought, but isn't the difference here he's saying to first reach acceptance that the bigger task is not achievable and no longer a goal?
@@zeethree Yeah, there are multiple ways of "breaking a big task up into smaller goals" and that's one of the various approaches.
My issue is that I enjoy my hobbies, but at the same time I'm miserable that I'm nowhere near getting a girlfriend. I just don't think the girls I'm into would find me attractive because of my hobbies. I don't even think my hobbies could get me a job. So I sometimes just feel like I'm wasting my time at my hobbies. Too bad my hobbies are the only things I'm motivated to do.
That mountains analogy is so beautiful, the mountain is an ultimate goal but the view doesn't change each step you take. But you can always focus on the smaller goals like taking a walk to the next stoplight first and chain those together because then your view changes rapidly and motivation renews along with it.
You got more female attention after becoming a doctor and being married? Wow! What a surprise!
Just do 10 years of study in a medical school bro
Its not cause he is a doctor its cause he is indian
@@ponternal lol
I mean women like men with status. What can a man who plays the ps4 all day provide for a family other than dust and despair ? $What’s the problem?
@@katsu2014 He can teach the child to absolutely shred the other kids in fortnite.
I really like the phrase "*there's more to life than relationship*" and that is very logical. I'm 25, had no sexual experiences, chosen the wrong college career path and had terrible relationship with family and some friends.
I am grateful that I have found something I'm passionate about, which is drawing. And I'm holding onto this even if my parents doesn't support it!
But, you know what?
Even if I have this passion for something, there's still this lingering thing inside me saying: " I wish someone is here to support me along the way."
I know it's wrong to think like this when I know that I'm doing it for myself, but part of me is saying that it wants to be in a relationship .
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. You’ll probably have one at some point. Life is long.
It’s OvER
@@timmancillas8326 Cope
There is nothing wrong in seeking validation and support from others, especially when those you expect to support, your parents, don't.
Your mind is presenting you the ordering issue, what you value more.
If that's your passion, you should focus on it but not be completely blind to opportunities. By valuing your passion above relationship, you are already accepting a chance (however small or big) that you might not end up with someone, because you have something you are more devoted to. Nikola Tesla did similar thing, although he actively avoided romantic relationship, as he believed that would distract him from his passion.
Other option is to acknowledge that you value support from others more, that you don't fully trust in yourself to do it alone. Which means you'll have to rearrange your efforts.
Either way, what's bugging your mind, it's analogical to physical pain - something is wrong with your body and you should devout some effort to your needs.
It’s not wrong to think that way, don’t let these morons tell you that it is wrong to feel lonely. They have never struggled with loneliness and self esteem issues clearly
,,be a better human being for other people“ this sentence makes me mad for some reason and I can’t figure out why…
Maybe because it's also important to be better for yourself?
@@Chaz1871 being a better human being for myself, yes! But not necessarily for others. Dunno. Hearing this just makes my mind go ,,why should I be a better human for others if others are trash humans to me. I’m fine with them being trash, but why should I be better then“. A very troublesome and shallow thought there, I know. Unnecessarily hateful and generalizing. Tho its what comes first to my mind
@@Domenic1407 I think it's most important to work on improving yourself for your own benefit. As you become better, you will uplift those around you as a side effect and attract people who are not trash, then those people will uplift you in turn.
It means be happy with people being entilted to your kindness
Ya i am starting to realize a lot of solutions to problems relating immutable characteristics is just massive mental gymnastics and victim blaming. Telling them to continually improve and not care about core human experiences like relationships. I fucking hate living
I'm starting to learn to not put my value as a person and as a young man through how many women I can pull. I've never had a girlfriend and that does get the gears turning and you start to not like yourself. It gets to the point where you believe you wont be happy until you get a gf. Now I'm starting to carry myself like I should which is loving myself, and really embracing who I am. Here's to a better year.
how is it going after a year?
@@freevipservers i wanna know too
"Just work on yourself bro" is probably the worse advice anyone could give. I've been working on myself for the last 10 years, still alone.
Defeatism is one of the least attractive traits. That mindset is shooting you in the foot.
It's true. "Just work on yourself" has become one of the most overused statements.
People are scared to acknowledge the dark truths (black pills) of the world.
Its hard to be honest and talk about uncomfortable truths.
Its easy to say a generic thing like: "Hang in there!" or "Just be confident!"
Being Fake is easier then being real.
Which is why so many people choose to be fake.
That's literally step one. Did you move on to the next steps?
Escorts or sugarbaby. You can complain about the cards you're delt or work with them. Focus on what you can do
Yup, and if you try to say something they gaslight you by saying:" You just haven't worked on yourself! Keep grinding!"
Wall of text incoming:
It's really hard to let go of that goal. Partly because I don't want to. I don't want to miss out on such great experiences and I want to find a great partner for myself.
I think for me it'll be easier and more effective to accept that if I work towards that goal the mountain won't look like it's coming closer and that's fine and I will still continue to work on it nontheless.
And here's the thing: If I have relationship as my long term goal then I will be more motivated towards improving myself. That goal is already locked in, I want it, it motivates me. Why give it up? And it gives my self improvement a direction.
And if I talk to people I'm attracted to I'll see them as a person regardless of their gender. Because I need to and have partly already accepted that relationships don't come fast or easily (if that were the case I would already be in one) and instead I have to talk to that person first for a long time and get to know them all the while seeing them as a person and not as a member of a gender that I'm attracted to.
That will also lead to a more healthy relationship. And it will give me the chance to realize if I even want to be with that person because even if they are physically attrative that doesn't mean that I want to be with them.
I am 35 and have chosen the give up route years ago, I have bad genetics many health issues (that cannot be fixed) and don't wish to have kids and pass them on, it would be cruel imo, it's mentally tough for me so I'm sure it would be for others. I still get depressive feelings watching certain movie genre's or seeing a happy couple in RL, when I think what relationship life would be like or even sex to put it simply. I love life have many hobby's but almost feel I am burying those feelings and trying to hide behind those hobbies put on a brave face as such. I just build a bridge till the pile gets higher then re suppress those feelings and move on again for a while rinse and repeat, don't know if that's healthy or not tho hehehe
Love your content Dr K, I appreciate you approach in an online environment, it's great to see you get results and not pressure people into a place they don't want to go. Keep it up mate!
Sorry to hear that. What i realized is lot of therapy for immutable characteristics is mental gymnastics to the point where you wont kys over it but never actually address the issue.
@@ree6487 If it never addresses the issue is it really worth doing...? I figure I don't have suicidal thoughts, so it would be wasting a therapists time.
I clicked on this video as background noise while I played a game, and while I don't relate to OP necessarily (I can generally get into relationships), there's a ridiculous amount of good advice here for motivation in general. Needed to hear some of this. That bit about everything being overwhelming which leads to demotivation is really a great conclusion.
The difference between conventionally unattractive and unconventionally attractive often times is just confidence and self love/respect. Me like most people know people who are conventionally unattractive are attractive because of their personality, fashion, hobbies, career and etc. Instead of focusing on things which they can't change, they put their minds to things that they enjoy and are good at. A girl with a butterface great at baking. A guy whose face looks like it went one evolutionary step down running a marathon and cycling.
I have a friend, who has a burned arm and facial deformity (Split lip, massive underbite) and he has no problem dating. He owns his own business, he does body exercises no matter the rain outside, and he has a really gentle soul. He knows that some women find him repulsive, and he does accept that he gets ocassional episodes of self-doubt and loathing. But he accepts the predicament he's in and just tries to make the best of it.
Some medical conditions that cause a bit of ugliness cause a bigger toll on the body which restricts your ability to do a lot of activities and cause fatigue. If someone's problem is just literally being 'ugly' then yeah that doesn't sound very crippling in itself.
@@Alan_the_Red It is crippling. Being stared at, being constnatly rejected. Hell, it even limits your employment opportunities.
All of that takes a toll on your mental health, which in turn, takes a toll on the body itself. So it's not okay to devalue just physical atractiveness, since it is important.
But at the same time, it's also not okay to put all the blame just on to physical unattractiveness.
@@Envojus Ah true I know how that stuff is actually I used to be way uglier than I am right now, I just hid in my room for a long time :p
It really depends on what though, like in my case it was massive red bumps on my eyelid and other nasty skin issues and goblin like movement lmao like I have had it real bad.
If you just have like a big nose or a plain looking face or something, I don't really get it.
@@NourD-r4i Not really, at least in my own experience. Being attractive doesn’t work if you have a bad personality and it’s exhausting to constantly have to reassure someone who’s insecure. Maybe desperate women do that, but not women who are looking for a healthy dynamic. Being an exhausting person isn’t attractive, period.
THIS IS A PSYOP
After watching the video and reading some of the top-liked comments, I am in a confusion but I also know that I don't need to be alone in doing what I want. It's not wrong to want relationships or just being yourself. The term "healthy relationships" is a generic term and the people involved in the relationship defines it. The things in a healthy relationship can be common across a vast majority of relationships.
I had a very tough childhood. I had neglectful parents and I always struggled with self-love, body dysmorphia and social anxiety. On the top of that, I don't even perform good in academics or sport. I am sure I am the special needs child Dr. K mentioned in one of his videos recently. I went outside of my city for college - and the time I spent with my friends accross those 4 years is does not even come close to the horrifying experience I had till the age of 18. The only thing that kept me going was the people around. I used to sleep like a baby during my college while I used to get nightmares in my house everyday since I don't know when. My parents didn't give me enough money in college for rent and food and me and my roommates sometimes struggled to have food for some days but I remember those days living happily - why? because I had people around. and there are so many examples I can write but that would be too long for this comment for everyone to read (which is already way too long, lol).
The thing I am trying to communicate is that we human beings are social creatures and we need people around and sometimes we need intimate relationships to feel good and that does not make us losers or codependent. That makes us human, period. And the OP mentioning the rejection he faced is extremely valid and he doesn't need to suffer alone. Yes, he needs to get his hopes up( which Dr. K mentioned), but he doesn't need to reach a hypothetical body Weight/appearance to do that. I would recommend him to get therapy and figure out self-love and self-compassion. It is doable.
Yes, there is more to life than relationships. But maybe Dr. K should have emphasized that there is more to life than romantic relationships. Human beings are social creatures. When I look back on my life, the times when I was the happiest were times I remember being with friends, family, or girlfriends. A lot of our happiness in this world comes from our interactions with other people. Can someone that is completely alone be happy? I think it would be very difficult. Also, I would encourage this guy to work on himself. His crooked nose and lazy eye could probably be fixed with surgery. And he could get in the gym, build some muscle, and lose weight.
Agreed
Agreed.
Humans can transcend their animal nature of being social creatures. Having a social life greatly increases happiness but will you just kill yourself if at one point in your life everyone left your side? The only things you can control are your own actions so the alternative is to accept reality and do what little you can everyday.
Idk bro, I have a great group of friends and a great family but i am almost 20 and have zero experience with relationships. Though i enjoy the people around me, the lack of intimacy and companionship leaves me feeling empty and hopeless and I feel lonely every single day
@@kachowsimpson2886 If the presence of people, yet lack of relationship makes you unhappy, maybe you should try to be less around a people.
Probbably the best video so far. Noticed this myself, when you stop trying to control everything you start to get ahead of everything
The problem is that letting go doesn't help. I knew as soon as I got into puberty that I would never have a girlfriend.
But the problem is that there's simply no other goal to live for. There are no desires, goals, no objective to pursue at life at all. Everything is so tedious and boring.
I tried to go to college but it absolutely destroyed me, there goes any hope for any good job ever in life. I did exercise and I got into a great physical shape, only to still be a failure of a human being inside.
There are no creative goals in me either. There's just nothing. I am literally noone, just the empty carcass of a male human body, existing without reason. I am nothing, just flesh.
I just wish I have had the chance not to be born. I can't understand how people can enjoy all this crap we call life.
@@Dimitris_Half So just to sumarise, it has always been, is, and forever will be impossible for me. Sheerly because of who and what I am. And somehow I already knew that even before puberty.
I just can't stress enough how much I wish I had have the chance not to be born. I've never had even a single day worth living.
@@Dimitris_Half No one told me that, no one had to, it was obvious by just looking at my environment. Girls could only react to me in two ways: disgust or laughing at me.
No one came and specifically told I would ever have a girlfriend, it was just impossible not to see, not to notice, as clear as the sky being blue above us.
@@Dimitris_Half I was referring to something that was clear, a brick wall is harder than your fist for example, that is less relative and doesn't need to be explained.
But yes, it's no secret, it was my father, anger issues and frustrated with life himself. He taught me that I deserved to be bullied, although no intentionally and despite always claiming opposites things like he believed in me. So I accepted my place in the world.
Naturally this made life insufferable by itself, but it carried a secondary tragedy of knowing that I would never had any female contact (whether just for friendship, lust, or, God forbade it, love!).
From my perspective I could understand why I would like a girl, both in a physical way or in personality way. Or both. How could a lowly being who was lacking in the fundamental aspect of personality attract any person of the opposite sex? If a girl ever looked at me (because at the very least God let me not be ugly) it would only until they learned how I truly was.
Why would I ever even want to go through the process of approaching girls? Not only I can't but the only possible outcome is atrocious.
And also, and maybe even more important. Why would I want to drag any poor woman into the pit of despair I exist in. Or rather that I am?
@@Dimitris_Half My father was right tho, college destroyed me, two times. I didn't accomplished anything in life. I was truly destined to be a loser. Academically, socially, romantically. I would say that a girlfriend began being impossible but became even more so as time went by. Now not even a miracle could fix the waste that my life has become. But well, if something positive can be said about it, is that the sheer impossibility of love is the last of my problems.
2022, another dreadful wasted year stands before me. Another unreachable peak I will slowly see fading with time.
I'm tired of even existing.
@@Dimitris_Half And thank you for listening to me.
Yes, my sisters, my mother, three therapists. And some ocasional random people on youtube.
I’ve done some of this. Lost weight, gained it back when nothing changed. Accomplished things I can be proud of, which was rewarding while doing it, but unsatisfying after it’s passed. It all feels like distractions that temporarily elevate mood. Escapism. Would interacting with others non-romantically work? But if I help others, I’ll be valued for what I can do for them, never for who I am. Useful to have around rather than desired whether useful or not. Can I feel self-valued even if no one values me?
man this is so spot on
nice to see you here as well
Nice to see you here man
@@j.d.o5709 If you watch the entire video he definitely does not say it's over for you in that case. He suggests he works on himself and finds happiness outside of a relationship first, and then a relationship may or may not happen. The expectation of a relationship fixing everything is unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on someone else.
Also few people are Chads or Staceys, but then so many of the people that don't fit those roles still find relationships.
But it's also true that many people are superficial, so one may start with a disadvantage in terms of looks, but then one can make up for it in other ways, and some men and women don't care that much about looks. Don't blame people for being superficial if you're as superficial or even more so.
And that's another important part. I see some men shame women for being superficial, while they themselves are often more superficial, specifically deselecting most women and only going for those they consider very beautiful. It makes no sense.
So another way to get into a relationship besides self development is taking a critical look at who one is trying to get to know, and whether it's heavily based on looks.
If you only go for those people not only are you contributing to the superficiality problem, you also limit your chances of success heavily, because the amount of people you're interested in drastically drops.
And not only that: If the persons are superficially beautiful by the current standards of society, SO many people will be trying to get into relationships with them so you're like 1/1000 applying for a job.
Also for this same reason those same people are likely very tired of people constantly trying to chat them up + also tired of people being interested in them only for their looks. They have to filter away so many people to even find the ones who appreciate them for who they are.
For those of us not being that beautiful we already know that if most people are interested in us it's likely not based on looks or at least not solely. Plus we can generally be left alone when we want to. I appreciate that.
A downside for us are the major dating apps that cater to people's superficiality, where people make split second decisions on interest or not, and rarely read profile information. So chances are better in apps that cater less to superficiality + AFK. Fx. meeting people through shared interests.
@@j.d.o5709 People exist in various states of looks among both men and women. Regardless of gender people of certain looks have a more challenging time finding a partner,
all other things being equal. Women considered ugly are in a similar challenging situation.
Don't overhaul your life for a partner but for yourself.
It is entirely possible to be happy without a relationship, and if plagued by sadness a relationship wouldn't fix it
anyway.
Why was doing all the things you did a waste of time? Aren't just doing something for yourself worth the effort?
Maybe that particular therapist wasn't a good fit? Tried any of the ones related to HealthyGamer incidentally?
Most dating apps generally are designed for people to be superficial. It's unfortunate.
Then again when people find each other from looks alone many of those relationships are not likely to last.
It can work better to find someone through hobbies, work, shared friends etc. IMO. This way you can get to know people
slowly and they can get to know you, without there being anything about dating involved. Maybe it will happen in some cases,
but "worst" case - which is not bad at all - it's a way to get friends, both men and women.
Sad to hear rejection happened AFK too. It can take quite a while there too.
I think it's a bit strange that women are talked about as some monolithic entity instead of individuals - behaviour and
what they seek varies from man to man and woman to woman.
If someone treats you like trash they aren't worth your time anyway.
Some women don't want someone vulnerable, others do. As gender norms change I think we're likely to see much more acceptance
of men showing vulnerability.
While I find superficiality nonsensical, it's still people's own business and choice if they want to be so, don't be
angry with them. One can't ever be entitled to romantic attention.
But if one is hoping for success with a relationship it could be worth personally looking into how one actually picks the people to go for, and whether it's primarily looks or not. I.e. examine one's OWN superficiality.
It's honestly saddening to read that you're putting yourself down to such an extent, and likely believe it to be some
objective truth.
"Why would you let your motivation be determined by another human being?"
Because I don't feel like a cause worth being motivated for.
Incel here, before there was a "modern" term for it. Im 56. Tall, but awkward tall. most of it is my legs making my torso look odd, like a mismatched lego min-fig top with twice as long legs. Face is below average....always was. "going to the gym" gave me some light muscle definition after YEARS. I stopped going. Disappeared almost overnight. Melted away. I weight 150 soaking wet. Yes, I have cool hobbies. Yes, I do have an okay job for my age. Yes, I am well traveled, and I speak a foreign language fluently. There comes a time, and it was around the age of 40 when I realized that all the "game" and "going-to-the-gym" and supposed "confidence" techniques and "being funny" just dont work. I advise all Incels to not give up hope and keep trying......but....YOU must accept at some point "the game" is over. You get past a certain age, nothing is really going to work. I do admit I did fall into a spell of drinking heavily and cocaine use....but thankfully I got out of that. I encourage you to not follow in my footsteps there, and with those things. Get a decent job. Travel. Press on....and there is a point and I cannot explain it. It gets easier. It really does....accepting your Inceldom. I wish I had better advise, and I dont think a younger man should give up....but lets be real here. You're a virgin at 30-something. You never had a date or GF (and I am sorry, a gf in fifth grade doesnt count)....you really need to change your own game and quit this "game" that has been rigged against you from day one.
Damn man really at 56? Did you have a gf before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to even get my first kiss. I started going some classes to prepare for exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college in last week of July and planning to study MBA next and there I got crush on this girl who is also 22 or maybe 23. She does sometimes try to initiate conversations with me or just say me hi with a smile daily but I just answer what she asks or just say her hi back and I am still shy to initiate any further conversations with her. 3 weeks ago she did say she finds me cute and that made me blush hard and my friends too teased me about it hehe and last week I also gave her a chocolate and she smiled and thanked me and we did a handshake but I feel worried as I see her having 3-4 male friends so I feel scared that what if she goes for either of them.
Also next Saturday, me and this girl who is 19 year old did plan to meet up in Mcdonalds. We used to be in the same school but didn't know each other those days. We had been chatting on Instagram for several months and finally decided to meet but I am nervous whether she is serious about the meet up or not because I got rejected by 4 girls previously. I am excited but also afraid as I have never really hanged out with a girl before. I hope the plan doesn't get cancelled. I also asked out my childhood friend 3 months ago who is 21 now turning 22 next month and she did agree to meet up one day but I still don't know when exactly we will meet because she isn't really active on Instagram so she takes weeks or even a month to reply to my messages.
Best of luck to you! I wish I had some advice. I dont :-) I am usually better with just helping men in my situation........over 35, dateless, and the like, Incel. Because I have seen such destruction of men like this as they older.....drugs, drink......suicide. I cant make them "not ugly" and I cant fix some deep psychological scars....but I can let them know yes, "life will and does go" even if you are a good looking guy or not. @@manosijroy8282
DUDE! Wtf happened to you?
I was following your videos and then your channel just disappeared. I looked everywhere for you. Here I am scrolling through the comments on this old video and I recognized your name. I need more of your relatable videos again.
Man this life can suck after 30. lol.
As someone who is short and also an incel and just started working out at almost 30
this was hard to read
Yet you're still here. I don't want to tell you to not give up.
I'm not sure what to tell you as a 28 year old awkward obese guy, but who knows? Perhaps the answer is not in your own country.
However, I want to talk to you in chat/email. I want to learn more about you. Not pity, just aroused my curiosity.
I've been rejected by females and told that I'm ugly all my life. I've cried, talk to pastors, talked with my best friend, and nothing has ever helped me. I'm going to try this an abondone my hearts desire to find a girl friend/wife and try to go on with my life. If God himself wan't help me in this area of my life, then it's up to me to do so.
The confidence section is nearly identical to what I learned in rehab to stay sober. Focusing on being a better human being is the cure for a lot of our ailments.
Weight and getting fit is a major part of it. It builds confidence, lowers stress, and helps you live longer
this is really good point, working out begins to address multiple problems simultaneously
It doesn't help you live linger, but the other 2 are true.
Being chubby helps prevents you from decreasing you max lifespan (and recent studies show it helps balance your immune system*), while being skinny or rocketing between losing and gaining weight WILL decrease your max lifespan.
The only thing proven to increase your max lifespan is owning and loving pets. Keeps you alive upto 5 years longer than you would have lived.
Barring things like smoking/drinking/drugs or violent accidents, your maximum lifespan is determined by your genes. Its really just how long your cells can regeneration themselves before giving out or becoming cancerous. How long you'll live is already set in stone, more or less. Working out just determines how good your body looks in the morgue, or how bad your joints are in old age.
*you don't want a "strong" immune system . That means you have more allergies more likely to be deadly. A strong immune system means rheumatoid arthritis or excema. A weak immune system means the common cold becomes fatal. A balanced immune system is ideal. Truly, immunology is one of the more mysterious physiological realms of study. Every year a paper is published in a journal that more or less could be titled "the immune system is at it again!"
@@Nunyo-Bizznez i mean i dont think not being overweight means being skinny it just means being fit but idk im dumb
@@Nunyo-Bizznez He said getting fit, not getting skinny or crash dieting.
@@Nunyo-Bizznez Everything you wrote is wrong. Jeez.
The description of being overwhelmed by having too many different steps towards a goal is super accurate for me. However the part that I can't follow is where Dr. K says that you should give up on the goal and grieve. The context for saying that and the whole point of this video is that someone wants to get into a relationship. No matter how hard I might tell myself that I really should give up on that goal, grieve over the fact that I'm going to be alone and accept it - there's ALWAYS going to be the thought in the back of my mind that "I'm doing this with the goal of getting into a relationship". It seems completely paradoxical to me: in order to achieve my goal, I have to give up on it. I don't know how it's possible for my brain to do that.
It's kind of similar to when people say that you should meditate "for its own sake", i.e. you shouldn't meditate with the specific goal in mind of "I'm going to meditate so that I become happier". I understand the sentiment to a degree, but at the same time I just don't comprehend how else I'm supposed to think about it. Human beings as far as I can tell do the things they do for a REASON - maybe I can tell myself "I'm just meditating to see what happens", but really I'm motivated by the idea or hope that it will improve my happiness, wellbeing or mental health.
There was actually someone in Twitch who said something similar: "How am I supposed to give up something with the intention of tricking myself into getting it????? That doesn't make sense"
@@Hemlocker Therapists don't have to make sense. They're just there to brainwash you.
yup, i also dont get it
@Hemlocker Yup. What's even worse is that by the time you do become that person, you're no longer as interested in a relationship anymore and have become busy with many other things. You no longer have the energy and drive for a relationship like you used to have. It's like you won't get what you want when you actually want it, but you will get what you wanted when you don't want it. It's the fucked up reality of the situation. What's even worse is you can't even blame anyone for it. It's just how attractiveness works in the human brain. The reason I would want a relationship earlier isn't because I believe it will fix everything, not at all. It's simply because I wish to share my life with someone who will love me unconditionally regardless of my issues or what problems I may face. Once you get to a spot where people are attracted to your confidence and such, you are no longer as interested because you have realized that you could do just fine without a relationship, but still end up feeling lonely overall. The whole thing is just a big fucked up paradox....
"Grieve it and find something else to do". This might be the most brilliant advice I've seen on this channel so far. If the problem is insurmountable - let it go, even if it is very important to you. Grieve for some time, but try to find joy and peace somewhere else. And as the energy consumption reroutes to a different goal, and you start seeing results, it is game changing
It's interesting that this is basically the premise of MGTOW, before it was hijacked by youtubers looking for clips.
Go your own way. Either girls will come, or (more likely) they will not. But who cares?
For me it’s more of a low self-esteem. I look at people on Instagram and there’s a lot of handsome men that I wish I could be but sadly I’m stuck in this body
This is how I've been living my life for the last six months, and I'm really proud of what I've done. Five months nic-free, moved to working a job I actually enjoy, started learning a second language. A lot of people in my life have been judgmental of me in this time, but *I* know I'm working towards my own goals. I've just been trying to find what my best self really is.
It's all too real the impossibility it is to have a woman be attracted to you when you have a lazy eye.
"He's nice and i like his personality, but his eye creeps me out."
Or just the sheer amount of women who say no and then proceed to shame me for thinking they'd go out with someone like me.
It really makes me upset and even angry that people are born beautiful and take it for granted, and even use that beauty to take a higher status and hurt others.
The fact that you have a lazy eye proves that guys with lazy eyes can get laid. It wouldn’t exist in the gene pool otherwise.
They're mean >:(
Maybe try wearing an eye patch? After someone gets over that fact about you, maybe they could learn to love that part of you after falling for your personality.
@@DrawinskyMoon thought about it. I already have the eye patch for therapy. I need the confidence to think i can pull it off lol
@@bohemianprince7944 Train with me, Boss!
Seriously though, that must really suck, and I totally get not feeling confident enough to pull off a certain look. That's the same reason I tend to just dress comfortably and try not to worry about fashion, cause I tend to look weird no matter what I wear.
That being said... Big Boss wouldn't give a singular fuck about whether or not he can pull off wearing an eye patch. He just wears that shit anyways. I think even without that level of confidence, we can both still aspire to stop giving a shit about how other people see us in terms of physical attractiveness.
Hey, a lazy eye dude here!
I do not recommend eye surgery, it's quick but it can lead to some serious problems. The success percentage is astonishingly low, I don't know exactly what number it is though, got told about it a few years ago, you could ever end worse or become blind.
Instead I improved my issue with eye exercising and proper sleep rutine, it's not 100% solved but I gained some strength and now can focus the eye on command.
Hope you find this useful!
I love your approach to arguments. You take a big step back and use relativity and objective logic along with some individuality depending on the case. You make sure not to invalidate the person you're trying to help but also find the issue between the lines. I just love it all. I'd love to be one of your patients.
24:16 This is something I've actually experienced in the past days. Because if YOU use OTHER people as a motivation, you risk loosing that motivation as THEY just want to continue with THEIR lives.
The moment you use YOURSELF as a motivation, you will most likely never loose it, because YOU will always be with the person which motivated you (which is YOURSELF).
And that, in my opinion, is why SELF-LOVE is so important, as it helps you getting comfortable with yourself at all time (including when beeing alone).
i am amazed that someone is out here talking realtalk about issues like this. huge respect. this was real, deeply true advice.
I was what you'd call an incel for the first 30 years of my life, and was a 30 year old virgin who thought myself a loser etc. I was what you'd call an incel today. Focus on yourself IS the answer. When I truly gave up on ever having a girlfriend, and focussed on myself, bettering myself for myself, I suddenly had women interested in me (and it took me a long while to notice because I wasn't looking for it anymore). When I did realize women were now chasing me, I could not understand why. Dr. K is correct that the answer is focus on yourself.
"Stop chasing it and it will get to you"
Then why would i need it by that time?
And yes, i can let go of the relationship thing, but what if that's not the only thing? What if your entire life is this problem? What if you as a whole is a problem?
You already kind of answered all of these yourself.
Well? Do you need it by that time? This is up to you to decide, maybe you don't, asexual people exist, aromantic people exist but you don't even need to be either, many people don't care about this and it doesn't bother them in their life.
Remember that marriage is a social construct just like most of our life, it's not a supremely natural thing that we as a species strive for, thats mostly a marketing campaign to sell more diamonds and make more money, animals in nature rarely have relationships similar to those that marriage sells.
Humans however are by nature social animals, we create socities and make up random rules, these may not always make sense even to us, so at this point instead of asking these questions you already did, try to ask yourself if this is in fact something that you need and remember that its okay if you dont.
I think it's okay to continue to be interested in women, just don't let that be the motivation for bettering yourself.
@@ignemuton5500 That type of thinking leads to the end of civilizations.
@@ForeverShadowBanned
Good, about time.
@@saulesalejos4483 Easy to say when you've lived a cushy modern life. Civilization collapsing won't be pretty, you'll see the most vile side of humanity before it all goes up in smoke. The bronze age collapse will look like child's play in terms of overall suffering and horrific atrocities.
u have no idea how much u have helped other people. watching videos of you, your mindset, how u approach problems, how you assess situations has helped me help so many people, including myself. you are wise.
I would like to point out that there is no "boat to miss" with dating. I had my first date at age 34, other people even much later. Your boat is still waiting for you, it's your own and it does not sail away without you. People still find love in the retirement home at age 90. Though I think it's great advice to stop actively searching for a relationship and instead searching for activities, goals and other things which can make you enjoy life, there is no age limit for love.
Yes life is unfair guys. If you're ugly the only woman that will "want" you are the single moms looking for a sucker to raise her kids. Just give up on the pursuit guys trust me it's not worth it instead of being sad and depressed get some Hobbies so what I did was I picked up tennis and swimming. I also got two dogs a German shepherd and a husky to keep me company and so could I can take to the park and play without looking like some sort of weirdo. Happiness is one step away you just got to want it.
I think the guy who wrote this is probably closer to offing himself then motivating himself after hearing all of this
So called self help gurus are a scam.
I teared up watching this. Thank you Dr. K! Fuck the view of the mountain but the view of that one step! a step towards being confident and loving myself instead of depending too much on landing a relationship. This is it. Thank you!
I typically like this guy's content, and find most of it very inspirational. But, I just don't agree with this one. I resonate pretty hard with the reddit post personally, and I have 'given up' on the goal like Dr K explains here. All that did is make everything worse and made me more depressed, even though I was constantly working on myself. I believe for some people, including myself, it's a deeper rooted issue. I am also under the belief that the internet and media really makes the situation worse. I have friends of both genders, and the women of the group get validation daily from numerous random people online through social media etc. The men of the group do not get the same treatment from women online. Back before the internet, the women around you would have a selection of men in their general area and vice versa to pick from, giving everyone more of a chance. That's completely changed, very rapidly may I add, and in my opinion based on my observations, people have, due to the internet's influence, set absurdly high standards for themselves and the people around them, which has really fucked up the dating market and made everything much more difficult and complicated, especially for men. Though, everyone's problems and lives are different, and if you disagree with my take that's completely fine. If you're following Dr K's advice here and it's working for you, that's great, and I'm happy for you. Though, for me and my situation, it isn't. And I thought I'd share this for anyone who watched this and thought to themselves that this solution hasn't worked for them, and was confused by it.
I fail to see what point you're specifically disagreeing with
But have you given up entirely, as in, contemplated what being alone forever means for the future and accepted that fact? If you haven't, try it out. I fixed everything in my life(obesity, financially broke and shit ton of acne scars) and i still wasn't able to get a girl. So i accepted the fact that, relationships will never happen and am at peace with it. There are so many things the world has to offer besides relationships.
@@uwuowo5406 Yeah that's exactly what I've done. All I'm saying is, I had problems with it in the past and know plenty of people who still do. For a lot of people, giving up on a goal can be pretty depressing, and for a lot of the same people, being around others is a big part in life and we would rather not spend our lives alone but it seems we more or less have no choice.
@@devildeals. my bad, your original comment gave me the impression, that you were still invested heavily in the prospects of a relationship and was displeased about the outcome. Ex) because of technology, women are choosier.
@@devildeals. even if the prognosis is true, it shouldn't affect people that have given up on relationships and accepted it. Let bygones be bygones. Hope you'll be happier my guy.
No one will proudly admit this but me and any who looks down on this is absolutely never going to find love, I was defeated and I was broken but I looked at my Anime Statues and went "I will always be alone but I will be a man worthy of them and who they could love" and I started a small workout routine to help maintain and lose some weight but also get my stats back. Depression and retail job nerfed my stats! Thus I'm just improving myself so I can be someone my Anime WAIFUS would be proud to marry.