My late great uncle said to imagine a world where they said “yes,” but didn’t mean it. Would you rather be in a relationship with someone who didn’t really like you, but just said “yes” to please you? Would you rather have the embarrassment of getting a job that you’re not qualified for just because you’re “nice,” only to be fired a month later? Would you rather end up bankrupt because your banker funded your bad idea just because you wished they would? Often rejection is actually saving you from deeper, and harder to recover from pain.
What a wise man. Currently, I’m dealing with rejection b/c of my pessimistic mindset & I'm planning on using this time to change for the better for myself
the timing... I literally confessed my love yesterday and got rejected. Love you and thank you, dr K. I've never experienced anything more helpful than your videos.
Sorry to hear that buddy. Confessing is such a vulnerable spot but it feels necessary. You helped yourself by putting your thoughts out there and not having that constant question "what if?" eating at you. You'll be able to move on soon, even if it doesn't feel like it! You got this
Hope your offer of a relationship was turned down respectfully 🌸. For me, learning to be authentic also meant learning to say no and understanding that does hurt people sometimes, so trust me when I say it can be a painful experience on both sides. Lol I know pain can often narrow your ability to think clearly, but don’t ever put yourself or the person you liked down over of a rejection, because not only can that cause you to develop the fear of asking out someone else or even the same person down the line if circumstances change, but being rejected is actually a process of learning and understanding a critical skill set. There is actually an awesome upside to your courage though. Having the capacity to communicate your feelings, handle negative situations (like a rejection), and honesty are actually all qualities girls like, so whilst there may be some pain and awkwardness now, I know many of my girlfriends are in happy relationships with guys and something that strengthened their attraction to them was because they observed or heard about the time the ‘love of their life’ lol rejected them.
Have been scared of rejection all of my life. The more I go out and socialize with people, and even face tons of rejection is actually a huge relief of pain compared to the pain of living in a bubble and watching other people from the outside
Personally the only solution I've found is to have strict boundaries around rejection. If someone has proven themselves to be unreliable, then I must set a boundary around that. "I will not ask X person to hang out and will only have a casual relationship with them." For as long as I have an ego, which is pretty much always unless I'm tripping or something, I have to have boundaries to protect myself. The whole point of boundaries is to keep myself safe when interacting with other people. And it may be that I need stronger and stricter boundaries than other people due to my own upbringing. I can't allow people to continually and endlessly disappoint me, and there is no way to bullshit my perception around that. Usually when I've reached that point, I've already did everything I could and have had conversations and those conversations don't lead to anything and the best, and at worst end up with other people calling me exhausting. I can't force people to do anything. And yes, even distancing myself from people who reject me is acceptable. I don't owe people anything. I don't need to be an ass, but I don't owe them anything either. I am allowed to be disappointed and hurt
A quick mental skill my counsellor taught me to help manage perception is to come up with 3 reasons why the person did what they did, and one explanation must be whacky. It really helps loosen up the mind and have empathy and curiosity 😊 Hope it helps, champions 🤩
This does a great job of addressing how to tackle the “perception of rejection” i. e. not getting a text back but I was wanting more exploration of actual or clear rejection. For example, if I apply to a job and they get back to me and say: “You’re a great candidate with a great resume but you aren’t what we’re looking for so no.” I ask out a woman and she says “You’re a great guy but I am not attracted to you so no.” I submit a book to a publisher and the publisher says: “This is a great book but we don’t publish books like this so no.” These are rejections, changing my perception or perspective on then will not change anything.
yea this video kind of let me down to be honest, I thought he'd be talking about clear cut rejection as it's a much bigger, widespread issue in my eyes
I love the analogy you gave. It took me a while to realize that being rejected usually doesn't mean something is wrong with me, but that we just have different likes and dislikes or different personalities. We are most likely not compatible and the relationship wouldn't last, so a rejection is the best thing you can get in that situation.
@Clavmoth Thank you for your comment and I respectfully disagree. Thinking about WHY I wasn't hired or WHY I was rejected would not make me feel better. I am the type he described, when I am rejected, I am wrecked for days. And trust me, thinking about WHY or finding out WHY brings no comfort. But I know your comment was not malicious.
Something I noticed as a kid is often people would have a need to put someone else down because they lacked the confidence to accept themselves, so I learned to put myself below someone to make them feel better and so they wouldn’t feel threatened by my personality anymore. I learned it because adults were bigger than me and they could hurt me as much as they wanted until I gave them the personality they wanted me to show. When I was little it was really scary and lonely. Now that I am bigger, when I notice someone feels threatened and is going to start trying to put me down, I remember how I used to feel and think they are using their strategy they learned to stop feeling that way - becoming the oppressor so that they aren’t the victim anymore. Being present with the person and empathizing with their secret inner feelings while they do this has really helped me find new, surprising ways to connect across differences and even transcend the victim-oppressor relationship so we notice stuff we didn’t even realize we had in common and start collaborating to help each other grow.
I would never ask out girls who I wasn't sure 100% would go out with me if I asked. While it's cliché to say that failure helps you grow, putting yourself out there is the most important. Just try to go into dating with an open mind but no expectations - don't think they have to go out with or that they're not into you.
I can’t tell if that’s a double or triple negative so I don’t understand if you’re accepting that not 100% of people will go out with you or if you’re afraid of asking someone out without 100% confidence they won’t say no.
@@newuser689 I’m going to assume he was saying that only asking out girls he was 100% certain about was the wrong approach to have. And that the willingness to put yourself out there despite the odds of being successful not being in your favor is the important part of growing as a person.
@@DoggyDisk yeah, I am near certain you're right. To expand on what they said, your confidence will be boosted a lot by putting yourself out there when you're not certain and getting a good response!
Go into dating without the expectations of dating? Pick one. You cant have both. The act of going in itself is an indicator of expectation. Pick a struggle my guy
"I'm 22 and still feel like such a child" Friend, im a little older, living on my own and working, and mentally I STILL feel like I'm a strange kid, and I always get told that I shouldn't worry about how I don't feel mature, and I know a lot of people who feel the same. You're by no means alone and you're definitely not losing the race of life.
agree. although ive never worried about it, if anything im happy im like this do you feel pressured to grow up by society? because how i see it is; you're a kid for a limited time, you have 70-80 years to do the boring 'growing up'
Lol, just talked to my boss the other day. He’s turning 57, but still claims to have the mind of an 18-year old and he definitely acts it some times, lol. At the end of the day, we’re all just kids to some extent.
I absolutely can’t rave enough about you, this channel, and your coaching program Dr K. You do SO much good for the world my man. Finally making progress after feeling so stagnant for so many years. Y’all if you are having difficulty definitely sign up for his coaching. Shit is amazing 🔥
@@franacha you're placing them way to high on a pedestal dude. Theyre the exact same as you, even the extremely hot ones. They're just people, they like dumb shit and get embarrassed same as you. Just talk to them like people and not like "unattainable goddesses" 👌
"rejection" itself has never been my fear. I also reject people, if I'm not feeling it, and I personally feel the odds of 2 people being 'right' for each other is VERY rare in the first place. So no worries there. My issue is "how" you get rejected, and that's where the fear is. When you finally decide to flirt or ask someone out, and they give a disdainful look and make you feel awful. That may happen mostly in teen years, but when it did happen, it did not feel good and you don't get used to it, lol. For me, I would only ask out women who were good people - and anyone that turned me down in a nice way, it was totally cool and we moved on as friends without issue. I asked out a waitress (very carefully, as I knew her about 2 years and we chatted a lot - just a tiny place), and she was super nice about it, but said no. We texted back and forth that day, made some jokes, and our friendship didn't waver at all. THAT kind of rejection is actually great, because you can remove the question of "is there more here?" and let friendship be the focus. For me personally, that is a great feeling. --this is my brain rambling, sorry if it made little sense or sounds stupid lol!
You're completely right, but the reality is that you're going to meet at least one person who rejects you "poorly" or in a hurtful way, and it's probably going to be someone closer to you than you think. So building the resilience to deal with the manipulative or hurtful stuff is going to serve you better in the long run. It's unfair, and I wish life wasn't this way, but at the same times, sometimes we just have to learn to work with reality.
What helped me a lot in learning to accept rejection by a girl is the simple thought that just as I shouldn't feel compelled to accept an invitation/proposal by someone (despite finding them agreeable), so other people shouldn't feel compelled to accept mine. I've been rejected and I have rejected. We're all just human beings and it's normal that we're not interested in everybody. What we CAN do is raising our chances by taking better care of ourselves and become better, more interesting, funnier, more mature people. But let's never forget that ours (just like anybody else's) is a proposal, an offer, not an imposition or ultimatum.
I never knew "rejection sensitivity" was a thing, I guess it's good to know that I'm not alone. I've only ever asked out two people in my life, and both rejections made me suicidal and depressed. I don't think I can even watch this video, just thinking about this topic is putting me in a bad place...
Slow steady steps cover mountains and valleys whole. Keep on moving forward, and just take the time you need to keep focused on your goals. A fear of rejection blocked me from taking care of myself and developing self-esteem, so I had to progress to a point where rejection wasn't the obstacle for my growth before I acted. This just made me more afraid to learn, and through my love of learning, I've been tilting the scale back over and healing. Slow and steady steps, pilot.
💯 agree @@1videoormore 😊, slow and steady steps. Take the time to understand yourself and take care of yourself. Remember these are skill sets that are actually quite difficult to learn so appreciate that it will take time and some of it will be based on trial and error. Future you (and those that care for you) will be grateful for your efforts. If it’s hard even to watch the video, it maybe worth seeking out health professionals to guide you through this process. Like I said, it’s a “learned” skill, as in, we’re not born with it, so we have to learn from others. And don’t worry you’re definitely not alone, this is all an awkward and somewhat painful part of the human learning experience that most of us fumble through...remember slow steady steps and most importantly .... remember to be kind. Particularly to yourself 😊🌸😊
You can just live your life playing it safe and only ask out girls that make it so painfully obvious they like you that they might as well have it stamped on their foreheads. That’s how I’ve coped with it anyway. Wouldn’t recommend.
Your perception of a "good date" was probably different to theirs and if it's constant then you're probably doing something or behaving in a certain way (probably unconsciously) that is turning your dates off.
Ghosting is borderline mental abuse. I like to think that’s it’s more of a reflection of them, being emotionally immature and insecure. Hope you’re doing good king
This video should be shown to every pre-teen. Dealing with rejection is one of the most important and useful tool that nobody will teach you (except for Dr.K obviously)
I'm so glad Dr. K is here. There are a lot of times where I find myself in such a really bad state but whenever that happen, Dr. K is here to release some videos that are quite similar to my situation. I'm so happy whenever he releases videos, i felt someone could explain how my emotions are doing right now and could guide me to the right path
Thank you so much Dr. K! you hit the nail on the head yet again! When it comes to learning how to be less sensitive to rejection, TELLING PPL TO GET A THICK SKIN DOES NOT WORK! I cant tell you how many times I heard that throughout my childhood/college years in response to me being "overly sensitive". It only made me sadder bc no one around me was willing to show me empathy and validate my feelings in that moment. What eventually helped me become less sensitive was working with my therapist to learn how to accept my feelings as they were and never labeling them as good or bad (i.e. using the RAIN method). Once I got that step down, unlearning a negative self-dialogue and replacing it with a positive one through self-love affirmations, journaling, meditation trained my mind to respond differently to rejection and not internalize it as much. Hope this helps :)
I'm still somewhat recovering from a break-up that happened a little over 3 months ago now, and the part about being triggered by the slightest sign of that thing happening again is so very resonant with me. The relationship seemed to be going well for me before the break-up and so in trying to figure out where things went wrong, I began to reevaluate all of my behavior during the entire relationship. After going through a few rounds of "there is no way to tell if I'm remembering this worse than it was because of my current mental state" and even talking to the person who broke up with me, to no avail, what I got triggered by as being "the earliest sign of rejection" kind of became "starting a relationship". I've been avoiding romantic pursuits and, ironically, rejecting anyone who approaches me, in an effort not to suffer the same debilitating pain again. It's only been very recently that I felt comfortable enough to go on a date or engage in conversations with people I share a mutual attraction with. Honestly, I still think it's too soon for me, but by putting myself out there and calling out my own self-defeating behavior when I notice it, I've made strides in getting over the break-up and feeling more comfortable with the idea of a new relationship. Sorry for oversharing and thanks for reading.
There's nothing wrong with taking time to evaluate. Maybe try to figure out your needs, as well as a way to communicate them to potential dates? That way you get a better grasp for whether the person you're involving yourself with will lead to a similar situation to the one you just suffered.
I know this sounds weird, but your entire way of describing the situation is very egocentric but I think that's good! For sure there is a simple answer in most cases: The other person just has different feelings and expectations for a relationship than you and even if you enjoy it, you can never rule out they might stop doing so at any moment. There are many reasons for this and the key takeaway is to figure out what YOU want out of a relationship. If it was good for YOU then that's awesome, fuck what the other person thought after it, if they don't match your style that's on the other person. If you try to avoid losing people by changing yourself (to an unreasonable degree and out of non self improvement related motivation) even though you are fine with how you are, that's usually a waste of time and the wrong way for most people. And if you have an issue with it being not in your power to make "sure" the person stays with you. Remember: It's not even in your power that you will live to see another year on earth, it's just a natural temporal state and you should make the most of it. And btw. ofc you will usually find plenty of people you can try again with, not like very other person is stuck in a long-term relationship am I right :) And will it hurt every single time? Yes ofc! So what is my advice: You are on the right track by looking at the point of inception, the beginning of the relationship! Your goal should be to figure out who will stick and who won't before you start a relationship, not how you can behave IN THE RELATIONSHIP to make it stick. And ofc that might take trial and error but it is possible to know ahead of time how long your relationship will last if you learn more about how people are. So ask yourself instead of what you did wrong: What would the other person have had to be like to not want to end the relationship.
My mentality Rejection from job: No worries i can learn from this and see where i can improve Rejection from romance: Promises to keep in touch and slowly distances themself.
I got rejected by a classmate, I told her I respected her wanting to stay friends. But I noticed her energy towards me changed after that, so I’ve been giving her some space, and honesty kind of ignoring her which probably wasn’t the move. But I don’t handle awkwardness well and she’s been very awkward with me.
"Let's just be friends" is her way of politely telling you no. She was nice and let you down easy. You did the right thing by giving her space. I got some bad news for you tho. That 'awkward' vibe is gonna stay.
Honestly I think that's a great call. You handled everything very well my dude I'm surprised someone your age got it down. She's being immature and likely doesn't know how to react in this situation. If she wants to make things awkward that's fine, but let her be awkward by herself. You haven't done anything wrong
@@juiceboxbzrk but she doesn't. Again, "Just be friends" isn't a request for friendship. Its her way of letting you down. Understand the subtext of the situation. Besides, you'll never truly be friends afterwards. Too many emotions that will get in the way. On top of that now she knows your intentions aren't of genuine friendship. There is an underlying desire for something more intimate. Eventually these desires will either sow the seeds of resentment, or you'll both drift apart into apathy. At best you'll be acquaintances who are cordial with one another. At worst you're just playing friends with a lot of underlying covert contracts
18:30 In my experience in dating this usually works. Ignoring a person helps that person to create distance and think about the time they actually are without you. Those who love you will text back. My gf did things sometimes like saying shes tired to get out of a event, sex etc. What i do is i dont get mad. Or talk about it much. I just say okay, understood. Then dont text her back for a bit. Not unrealistically long. Its not punishment or toxic behaviour. Just give them room enough to think about if they actually miss out without you or not. Girls often come back and then text more than before. But if they dont do whatever. Find someone then who cares :)
it's amazing that it took for this guy to explain the process of fear and how to actually take the proper steps to overcome it in less than 30 minutes meanwhile all my therapists or psychiatrists over the last 15 years couldn't and still can't, it's about perception, you send yourself into a thought pattern that shapes how you feel and how you will react, even though you can try and change how you react it doesn't take away how you feel, you're just pushing yourself through something you think is hard at that point in the hopes it will change how you see it, but because you view it as hard it feels hard and therefore you have just reinforced your own belief in that it is hard. so how do you do it? well you have to perceive it differently but that's a big ask for something you have habituated yourself into believing, and so how do you push out beliefs that you can see is not real to others but it is for you? even though you can see it's not real for them it's still real to you. and so there is 2 ways i think you can manage your perception, one is no perception, you simply do not think about it, you will look at it reactively instead of proactively, do not build something that you have no idea if it will happen, you can only manage what has happened so don't assume anything before hand. the other is trying to change the perception to that of positivity, what do you like about it, what about it makes you happy or could possibly make you happy and focusing on that instead of the assumption of "bad things will happen", but yeah it's gonna be hard to stop yourself automatically falling into your own old thought patterns. that took me about 10 years to figure out, took me about 3 more years to figure out that i didn't always think this way and i could simply think of my old self and how i did see it back then which was that it didn't even cross my mind, so my solution is simply don't think about it as simple as that seems but it seems to be working.
My perception of others rejecting me has come a long way, I’m fine with someone saying no, but being open and communicating things important has been a struggle because I feel often times I’m bad at putting things into words. Stepping back looking at things different has been helpful and this video feels like it’s clarified some of the inner workings of my brain lol. I feel often I reject myself too and need to be perfect if anything
Some of my fear of rejection is from getting rejected over and over again and not having any power to change the outcome. If you beat yourself up with every rejection, getting exposed to even more rejection is actually more harmful.
Same here. I can handle rejection in most cases, but if that rejection keeps happening again and again, it breaks me, especially when I need that approval to survive (for example: if I am finding a job after being laid off for almost a year. It’s really hard to handle rejections after keep trying and trying.)
My advice, don’t take it personally. If you’re rejected just keep it moving. Don’t dwell on it, don’t let it beat you down, just pick yourself up and move on. It also helps to improve yourself first, confidence largely comes from competence and skill. Work out, eat better, get your mind right etc,. However most people find self improvement harder.
While your advice is appreciated, I'm fairly certain that the people watching this video *simply cannot do that." I don't know how well that'll work out here.
@@MiketheNerdRanger are you saying that they are not in the mental headspace to start? Because if so I can agree with that. But if you’re suggesting that some people can’t ever get good at talking to the opposite sex, that I can’t at all agree with. Everything is a skill that can be improved upon. Even things like charisma and confidence.
I'm 40 years old and have screwed up literally every relationship in my life due to this fear. I still have hope though. Thanks for this little handbook. So far, I tried to control my reaction. This was not really successful. Focussing on the signal makes much more sense. Thank you so much.
One thing that has helped me is to think of other situations where I've felt scared, yet excited about it - like watching a good horror movie. If I can tell myself that my fear is just part of the fun then I can gather up more courage, since in that situation I can accept the feeling - but also sometimes crave the pay-off to the anticipation I've built up in my mind, as opposed to wanna avoid it.
Dr K you just don't miss! Much love and respect for the HGG team. About a week ago I finally managed to confess to my high school crush after like 6 years and yeah I got turned down because I should have taken a shot way back then and all that. It's a painful experience but all in all it felt great and liberating. 9/10 would get rejected again :D
Taking responsibility for myself is the first step I'm currently in. Once I've gotten a handle on myself, then I feel like putting myself out there will be worth the energy and the rejections will be less severe.
As always amazing content by HealthyGamer. I have semantics issue with English word "Rejection". I've encountered this rejection concept in countless books about social anxiety, self esteem and any kind of emotional inhibitions - but until recently after I learned about ADHD and RSD and Autism etc - and even watching it right now - I realized that Rejection is connected with our perfectionism and inability to initiate parties or meetings or speaking with someone unknown, organizing and planning events. It is associated with ability to make new friends and new acquaintances. For me - Rejection means a technical term in factory where product with fault is rejected and put in 2nd class category to be sold at half price. Rejection for me it connected to applying for some Universe or Lottery game - and our application paper is rejected because it doesn't have certain information which I cannot fill in later on. That is how I imagine rejection in English language - related to some boring, technical, educational or work system. I do not see it connected with personal intimate decisions and the reasons why we have no friends and why we are alone and I do not see it connected to perfectionism and inability to start any initiation or making idea real due to fear of making mistake and being criticized by someone in authority. Since I rejected the rejection concept - I never really concentrated much on it. OR think about it or devote time to ponder about it - and then left alone without my ideas coming to fruition since I would not connect being alone with inability to make my own decisions and propose things - is actually connected with "rejection". I think another word is needed to describe Rejection. Perfectionism and avoidance of life and ideas and initiating and innovation - that would be correct term. If I am rejected because my idea was bad and my idea my result in some harm - I have no problem with rejection. If someone rude rejects me - and in the same time I have alternative ways to do something - I have no problem with such rejection. I do have problem when I am rejected and I have no alternative ways to do something and depend on such person. And then the fear of asking again for the fear of being attacked, mocked - that is the problem, not the actual rejection. Someone being egocentric and unable to listen and understand or care about others - that is what I would fear, not the actual rejection. And this is aligned with what is being said in video - with rejection issue - we are focused on reaction and action and we do not think about perception of what really is rejection. Rejection is seen as something that is happening to us - we are greedy or we want something unrealistic so we need to be humble. But - what happens when other people are greedy and abnormal and antisocial and they reject as a tool to harm and hurt others? Will be explain their intrusion, abuse, aggression and Machiavellianism as our personal fault? Something that we can change by our actions and reaction? We cannot control other people. So this rejection is connected with society in general - something that sociologist, law and police and court must handle as well to regulate the distortions in the system - such as coercive control and pathological liars. If we are in toxic ambient, some kind of Jane Eliot Brown Eyes Exercise - the rejection in form of discrimination will be real. We won't hallucinate the teacher being mean and rude. As kids we have no power to influence or change or punish the teacher. So - we need to know where we are, to be sure it is toxic ambient - and that we stop internalizing the abuse. Otherwise we might interpret the abuse as our own fault. That we are dumb, stupid, abnormal and that we deserve the disrespect and abuse. In healthy environment - we need to take the responsibility and realize if we were antisocial and annoying or irritating - and obviously we need to change our ways. But I believe many empaths who are seeking honest and genuine help with rejection are already empathic and cleaned and pruned of toxic behaviour - and we are actually in toxic ambient and we take a lot of responsibility on ourselves from toxic people as if our own - which are not to take in the first place. Changing perception explained in the video - is being scientist and Sherlock Holmes - to detect, pick up clues, see what is really happening, as if we are in a laboratory, objective, without personal bias to see reality what is happening. This can be dangerous - when we turn to other people to explain our reality - and for example they are prone to hyper-cognition and they label unknown emotions as what they think it is - and we end up with mis-diagnosis and wrong treatment, wrong instructions how to handle certain issues. We can hear other people's explanations - but if we reject our own common sense and intuition - we will be controlled and manipulated by manipulators and toxic people who like to control others to feel good about themselves, that is how narcissists self regulate their panic chaos emotions and take advantage of their prey and targets of their abuse.
I literally had to experience this today, I went out to dinner with my family and the waitress noticed me playing clash of clans (I'm 20), and she commented about how she likes that game too and how it's similar to another game she was thinking about. Then I followed up with "oh you must be thinking of brawl stars haha. And she said "yeah that's the game as she was about to leave, but like lingered for a few seconds longer smiled and gave me a smirk, that made me think she might be interested in me (why not shoot my shot). So after dinner I decided to write my number on a piece of paper and just walk back in and give it to her. Even if she does reject me, I have to learn from my mistakes/rejections and I walked up to her and said "hey, here's my number" and she proceeded to tell me very politely "I'm sorry, but I'm taken" and so I left the restaurant. It hurt me for a few hours, but I am not afraid to walk up to a girl I think is cute and exchange numbers. We all need this to grow and become better mentally, and the longer we better ourselves the higher chance we get a better woman to love. For those who say I can't miss if I don't shoot, I agree. Be willing to accept defeat to enjoy a victory.
I got dumped a week ago after a year long relationship. Getting rejected hurts right now, but I’m glad she didn’t wait till years down the road because that would have hurt even more. It was my first love, but I’ll recover from this even stronger. I’m grateful to have learned a lot about myself and how to love a partner.
@alf3071 pain is not a competition, "I have it worse" is an unhelpful way to see the world unless your intention is to whine about it instead of fixing it if one guy is drowning in 10ft of water and another one in 30, they're both still drowning
A lot videos touch on trauma incidentally, but you really need to do one about the way that abuse makes you feel like everyone is mad at you and judging you. Because (without a lot of help and people who prove themselves to be safe) it is almost impossible to not get caught up on a signal that means violence is incoming.
Cool topic, as usual. Thought it’s worth mentioning that in the personality courses I’ve taken, they’ve always described “Rejection Sensitivity” as being on a spectrum, and that everybody has it to a certain extent, and those that appear to not “have” RS, either are less sensitive in that area or better at managing their feelings/behavior (at least in those settings). I also find it interesting how difficult it is to rethink/reframe or your feelings and behavior in the moment. Takeaway: notice your perceptions and challenge your reactions
sometimes I listen to this and think back and it makes click in my head. This happended to me somewhat on accident, a happy accident. I had serious rejection sensitivity with my overweightness and was highly alert to anything that could target my fat fucks ass. But I remember that I heard of a study which headline was something like "people actually dont think as much about you than you think", in reality way way way less than we think. We think primarily about ourselves or about our immediate environmental triggers. And that helped. That actually helped to hear this for once. In many situations where I felt "judged" or just generally socially anxious I thought about that and that soothed me. And just to end this on a good note, I lost about 40kg (~90lbs) and that all was 6 years back and now I've a beautiful girlfriend despite I gained back about half of that weight in the meantime :)
I had an epiphany recently, when visiting an ex from 10 years ago I was obsessed with. I walked in the door carrying emotional baggage, saw the years added to their face, my perception was instantly altered and the weight of the emotions lifted from my shoulders.
I have BPD and honestly, perception is the biggest reason why I have healthy relationships. Once I realized how to be mindful of that, my life changed. And I'm so less stressed than before.
Being rejected sucks. I was rejected by someone. They seemed cool, and I wanted to be their friend, but they weren’t interested in hanging out or communicating. It hurts.
Your videos in the last few weeks have been absolutely brilliant! Ive been following this channel for a while and maybe it took a bit of time to understand the concepts you talk about but I feel like it is all starting to come together and I feel more equiped to deal with the hard things in life. I do like your interviews with guests, but these one-topic 30-50 minutes you do at the moment are absolutel amazing. The way you break down the struggle and offer solutions is really helpful. Keep it going!
It's not rejection that hurts it's the years of rejection even simply plutonic friendships have been rejected. It's borderline impossible to cope with.
Yes I totally agree with you ..who wants to be rejected?? Someone who's parents and siblings rejected them over and over and to this day still do .. then when you meet people and they seem to want to be in your life and you are stand offish because it takes so long to trust ..then when you finally start to relax it's boom ..you find out this person has a bad past , addicted cheating , lying scaming .. financial user . By this time you find this out your attached because you just want someone good in your life. .it's horrendous .. am starting to think there no moral people left or very little
The thing about rejection is that people ask straight up to make a girlfriend or friend and that can easily come off as clingy needy I never really ask anyone anything,I just focus on building good casual relationships with people first. With strangers I might just be nice an ask if their day is going well,if they seem to engage with me we continue talking,if they seem tired or annoyed I quickly move on. I would only ask someone out if I feel their level of engagement is high enough but if rejected,the secret is to Not take it personally There’s billions of possible reasons to reject someone that may not even be personal and I don’t want to ever force people into liking me. It’s silly to be mad people reject you,people are also allowed to not care about you and that’s perfectly reasonable
I've warched this video some time ago, and more recently the short about talking your feelings towards a friend. And since I've watch this video I've confessed to my two last crushes. I'm now comfortable with them, I see them on a daily basis and it's not too akward as I gave myself a chance to talk about my feelings in a mature way. It also helped me a lot to reflect on myself, I now know a lot more to me than previously because I've gone throigh those situations. TL;DR: This video helped me a ton within like 2 months
ive been very sensitive to rejection, particilarly from the first person i ever really loved. their feelings changed and mine didnt. anyway we had mutual friends and it made sense to remain friends but they were awful at replies, and regular contact. it would make me feel awful, i felt like i lost the person closest to me in all ways, and i knew for many reasons it wasnt personal yet it still hurt so much. so i finally built up some courage to tell them how i felt, i articulated my idea of friendship and how i felt let down by them. they apologised, emphasised it wasnt personal and that was that. except they never changed after that convo. just yesterday they replied to me after a month and a half. it was a really heartfelt text but to me it just feels empty. i have loved them for so long, and i know i love them so much more than they do me. i cant help but think giving them the 'cold shoulder' is the best course of action now. anyone have any advice?
In the perspective of dating it’s kind of hard. You are attracted to women that may not be attracted to you. And you may not be attracted to women that will be attracted to you. It’s tough cuz not only are you getting rejected but you also have to do the rejecting. Kind of hard lol. It’s so much harder to do the rejecting but being honest is absolutely important.
When I first asked someone out, it wasn't the rejection that got to me. I was planning to do it the night before, and I was so worked up about it that i literally had stress dreams. I woke up, shot out of bed, and was up to my ears in a tight, terrified feeling that persisted until I actually popped the question. I was fine with the rejection, and tbh I was kind of expecting it, but that stressful feeling really sucked. I wasn't even overthinking or mentally double-taking myself either; it was a physical feeling not dissimilar to dread or pain that WOULD NOT go away no matter how hard I focused. The best way I can describe it was someone holding a tight grip on my heart and lungs.
@@lessname9378 It's just me trying not to be so literal. No need to read into it really. And getting lucky could mean she introduces another friend of hers that has chemistry with you. Who knows. I didn't say anything specific ;)
Giving up is the ultimate rejection. I hope you can get more casual about asking people out. If your quota is 1/100 then you better rush those 100 or learn who is in range I mean I don't know if you only ask people you already love or if you ask out people you COULD love (on a date not for a relationship at first).
I’m watching this a day after I got rejected from prom and honestly I’m actually kind of glad but I’m still sad, I only have a little hurt with me but I haven’t let that get me down there are always other times! Even though it’s my last prom it’s aye okay :)
You made this the day I found out one of my best friends rejected me, more or less. She said that she understands how I feel and that she just got into a relationship. So it was not a hard no, it was just painful. Thank you Dr.k
If it helps you: Instead of telling yourself that she would have if you had been quicker, rather take the (often more common) case that she just avoids hard rejecting you because she thinks it's good for you, aka the classic trying to be nice while making it worse.
Yeah but what if it really is a rejection, especially when the other person is totally conflict avoidant and refuses to communicate about it? I've followed this kind of advice recently with a guy I was friends with who I was attracted to, and I can only conclude now, might have reciprocated the attraction but didn't want a relationship (I found out later he was already in a long distance commitment that was kind of tenuous). I tried not to assume anything from his behaviors and invited him several times to talk and he avoided communication entirely. It led to a gradual disintegration of whatever friendship it seemed like we could have had, and left me feeling really hurt. I guess at that point because of my perception that he didn't even see me as worthy of communication to preserve a relationship.
I'm thinking of an analogy to rejections where you apply for a job or to go to a college and get a literal rejection. It's really not personal rejection but it sure feels like you tried your hardest for them to like you but then they looked at your best and said "nah other people are better". But they don't really know you. It's not personal. Rejection is the default and you could've been great there and they are missing out. It's so hard though. This guy had his own stuff going on. It's not about you. The essence of who you are is not why he rejected you.
Sometimes we do get rejected, there is just no way around that fact. And I agree that it can (and does) really hurt. I both have rejection sensitivity and also have been actually rejected with malicious intent, beneign intent and with indifference. The best (and perhaps the only) thing that you can do, is to accept that this rejection happened and that the other person must have their own reasons to end the relationship. People dont just leave or let a friendship degrade. He probably felt shame for getting involved with another person while being commited in a relationship. And shame can lead to pretty destructive behavior. Sometimes you just need to let the other person unwind and there is nothing to be done there.
To me, it kind of sounds like you needed more communication from him than he was willing to give. Then, as that discrepancy in need became evident, he started to avoid you more and more. Moreover, it sounds like your perception and communication were the catalyst for something that probably would have happened eventually. Not the cause of it.
Frankly, it doesn't really sound like a you thing. You cited him being in a tenuous long distance relationship, that's pretty much your answer. He might have felt real feelings and was concerned about the fidelity of the relationship, might have felt that he had a different understanding of the nature of your friendship prior to your confession, or simply had too much on his plate to additionally address your feelings. Your 'worthiness' of communication in this instance is unrelated. Another commenter cited this, and I've heard this from friends as well, some people simply have different tolerances and needs for communication. You might be someone who needs 5 chats a week, and 3 is low but doable, and 1 marks the end of a friendship. The guy might simply be someone who needs 1, 3 is high but doable, and 5 is too much and would result in less interaction or the termination of the friendship. Attraction does not always or often doesn't lead to relationships, nor is a solid indicator of compatibility. If I had a nickel for every time I've been attracted to someone that either I would be a bad fit for, they would be a bad fit for me, or we would be ready to strangle each other after a week of time together, I'd have at least a half dozen nickels. Also kinda curious, why is this guy conflict avoidant? Did he actively run away when you tried to invite him to talk? Or did he simply hit you with a "oh yeah, thanks for the invitation to talk, I'll let you know"? If it's the former, that makes sense, if it's the latter, you might be misreading him letting you down easy.
I think I am growing a thick skin mentally that it never hurts to ask. Planning to send out massive amount of job applications using a bot once I have concluded my chapter in this country. That will probably get me 99% of rejections. But that 1% is still 4/5 acceptance so it's fine.
What happens if your fear of rejection came from many instances of broken communications, one sided understanding, and leads to expectations of you being the one to initiate problem solving all the time?
Your question is not entirely clear, so maybe the communication issue is the issue you need to work on? And you are never expected to initiate problem solving unless you want to solve the problem. If people expect anything from you you don't want to deliver just say it. If they don't respect that then you are free to not engage with them anymore or you can accept them being ignorant if they offer other stuff you care about. You can't (easily) change others so focus on yourself.
I did this so much that when I started working towards getting better I could feel all of these protective mechanisms be activated automatically. I would not respond for a day or 2 automatically, I would get cold without thinking of it. These protective mechanisms became ingrained into my personality. I’ve worked to change it and things have gotten so much better. I still have barriers to cross but I have gotten rid of a lot of these emotional protective mechanisms and am much more confident
As an introverted person who never started conversation first I want to share my experience during last couple of years. It is one of a few things which I agree with from pop culture of psychology, motivation and etc from social medias. First rejection felt real bad to the point that I could not forget a girl which I saw couple of times for a month or so in the bar. After that I tried to hit on a cashier in a convenient store and got rejected again. Felt anxious for around a week. At some point I just started coming up to girls on street with random ass weird lines and got rejected so often that I cannot recall the exact number now. So the key is just to understand that at most you are just gonna get rejected and you are not going to die from it or something. It will become "just a rejection" after few times. Not gonna say that it won't hurt. No, it still hurts but you won't care so much. So yeah, just go for it and try and keep your head up coz there re huge ton of girls and most likely someone better awaits you in the future if you keep going.
Yes! This is exactly why people talk highly about mindfulness. If we can mindful when we receive the signal of rejection, we can investigate it. How do I feel when this signal is processed? How does my perception of this signal reflect reality? By investigating our perception, we gain the power to change it.
@@Couscous77 Exactly correct. First we have mindfulness (waking up to the present moment) and this allows us to see what's going on. The idea of investigation is separate from mindfulness, but it's what follows-now that we're actually looking at we're doing, is what we're doing wise?
My reframing of my mindset started with the re affirmation of the statement... "No one is obligated to so much as give me the time of day" I was steadily able to refocus onto myself and improve. After the consistent rejections and doing things without letting my anxiousness get the better of me. I learned to seriously stop the g.a.s. Giving A S#
Can you make a video about this for people who have trauma (actual psychiatric trauma / Reoccurring ostracism not emotional wellbeing/maladjustment issues people like to call trauma) but have an anxious response (clinging or unable to hold back vulnerability) rather than a petty or vengeful response when you try to punish the person or give them the taste of their own medicine
I usually love your videos, Dr. K, but in this one you never talk about how to handle actual rejection. If you ask someone on a date and they say no, or if you get actually ghosted, how to not let that affect your self steem? How to not to "take it personally" when someone is actually rejecting your person?
I've noticed this lately... Not actually addressing the issue. Even if you watch other videos and even how Dr K runs his courses. He relies on feedback. When you are rejected or ghosted... You get almost 0 feedback. Women tend to reject for anything they don't like... Which is why being less open and honest is a more successful dating strategy which is why "bad guys" use it. So that the lady has less possible reasons to reject you. This isn't what other women would want to hear but it works! Also another tip, women tend to date on the same level or higher... So avoid saying things that bring your own self-image down in comparison to her even if its the truth. People might respond with.. Oh when she finds out later she will reject you... Perhaps... It's far more effective than doing the opposite. I promise you will have way more success if you are able to understand this. Women create the game, its time to play it.
The thing is, I wasn't always like this. It was only until high school that I started feeling self-aware there were a couple of times in primary School (level before highschool) where some girls that were not from my school but we're from high schools actually would see me going home and make comments to each other about stuff like saying I'm cute and adorable, you know, like how a child would be seen as adorable, and then high School came around, where SO MANY people would make comments on my "ugliness". These comments were way more than the girls from primary school commenting on my cuteness, it was so much more that it's not even comparable. This started to have an effect on me since I was the type of person that, even in high school, didn't know what certain bad stuff were, I was basically innocent, and these comments were so hurtful that not only did I become way more self aware but also I became distrustful to so many people and my friend group went down dramatically. I even stopped associating with my family most of the time and became introverted, not an introvert, but I would do some actions that most introverts would do, stuff like avoiding large crowds and staying by myself in my room, however, the reason why I think it affected me so much was even though my school is boys only, on my way to school and back from school there would be some times where ,girls included, a group would pass me by and someone or all of them would make a comment on my ugliness and from that point forward high School officially changed my life and my perception of it. I'm at the point where I'm even considering not getting a girlfriend. EVER.
I'm gonna be honest: high school is HELL and it's the worst effin' pit of VIPERS you'll ever see. It encourages the worst and meanest human behaviors and the girls get effin' BACKSTABBY there, it's like they're trying to raise their own self-esteem by stomping others down for no real reason. The only thing I can tell you is, if you meet someone once you're an adult who acts like they're a high school bully or a high school girl, RUN. I've honestly never seen a better indicator of that person being an a-hole than acting like a high school bully or mean girl. On the other hand, people who DON'T idolize their high school experience and thought it sucked tend to be more considerate, so if you want to minimize your risks of at least only really talking with girls who aren't Those Girls, asking them innocuous questions about high school and disengaging if they liked the experience or say they "were popular" might help you at least make good friends who have your back.
There’s good advice here for gaining resilience with rejection but how do you come to terms with the shame of no one wanting you at all? Like, coping with living your whole life without a partner.
I think you just have to reimagine your life into a future in which you are happy on your own. That's what I did, anyway. What would it look like for you? Here's my version of that future: I want to live on a houseboat, one that will be my dream home. I want to work my dream job. I have two dreams for that: science teaching, or working at an ngo for poorest families. My life's work will not be just personal relationships; it will be helping other people, or helping shape the next generation. I used to see myself as a sort of semi-nomadic traveller, but now I think a more grounded life would be better for me. One day, maybe, I would like to be a single mother. It's hard for me to imagine myself with a partner anymore - there is little space for them in that future I'm trying to build. But it is easy to see myself living in that houseboat with just a child... so that's an open-ended question. Wish me luck :)
when i was a teenager i was bullied by my classmates, but the deeper wound was made by the girls that always where calling me disgusting and ugly. So when i go and try to talk to a girl i always have to "build up courage" and try to tell myself that this scenario will not appear, and that this is a thing of the past, but the mayority of times i fail to do that and the fear takes over. It's a very exahusting thing to do. But maybe i can think about the signal, and what's actually happening, i don't know, i have to try.
Good title. Definitely interested in watching this later. Really glad it wasn't "Why you can't handle rejection" or something like that. Good job guys :)
Rejection is the nature of reality for most men. Not just in the realms of dating but life in general. Majority of the great schools you apply for will reject you. Majority or the job offers you apply for will end in rejection. Learning a new skill will initially result in failure. And ofcourse women, majority of whom will reject the average guy. In general you will take more Ls in life than Ws. But if you're so afraid of taking Ls that you avoid all challenges, you will never get a W. As long as you do not allow your failures to chip away at your sense of self, and keep trying again, you will eventually get stronger and succeed. This line of thinking has greatly helped me assuage my fears of failure. Its better to try and fail than never try at all
I mostly agree with your sentiment; however, "it's better to try and fail than never to try at all" is a bit too generalized of a statement, that overlooks context-specific scenarios in which the risk associated with "failure" certainly outweigh the potential rewards of "success", when viewed from the perspective of valuing your own health/ self-preservation/ etc. I would agree if you had started that statement with the qualifier "generally" [*Generally*, it's better to try and fail than never to try at all"] You might think that it goes without saying, but I'd argue it's important in our communication that we don't assume that other people understand the grave importance of "better judgment" in this equation, as there are signs all around us of people demonstrating that they lack that important quality. May the many individuals who failed at working out this equation in the BIGGEST, most unfortunate, way now RIP!
@@Dimitris_Half Some women don't, most women do. Looking at statistics from multiple dating apps and general dating studies, women date up and across social hierarchies, while men date across and down, thats nothing new. Women are much more likely to reject the average man than a man is to reject the average woman.
@@Dimitris_Half No, I never said anything about my experience, you're putting words in my mouth because you don't have an argument. You still have yet to refute a single one of my points. Instead you attack my character. Calling what someone says "random shit" because you can't refute it is not only lazy, but shows your own incompetence. You don't seem to understand what hypocrisy is if you think it's hypocritical to state supported statistical data. You can see data that supports points that you yourself have not experienced, that's why people reference other people's research when writing papers.
I've always tried to imagine rejection as a sort of filter. Echoing what a lot of other comments are saying, it's better to filter out those that reject you than to chase after someone who just isn't interested. Wouldn't you want someone to be as enthusiastic to date you as you are to date them? Rejection sucks and it's okay for it to suck. It means you liked them and what a future with them might have looked like. Feel the things, heal, and get back out there.
I treat all people like I've known them for a decade even if I just met them. So naturally I'm already tired of their shit. New people that I meet are really confused when I just, you know, talk to them normally. This creates a very non-attached and positive vibe and grips people. I already know that I might never see this person again tomorrow, why not to spend some quality time while we are at?
It's quite often not rejection,its just our need to be liked by everyone even when people don't like us for obvious reasons that have nothing to do with rejection, build courage to reject what YOU don't like and you'll see rejection is not scary at all it part of everyday life for everyone
@@Dimitris_Half the risks, emotional investment, the exhaustion that comes with having to support someone else emotionally when you can barely take care of yourself, keeping up with the constant demand for attention, the lack of privacy, living, sleeping, eating, and sharing with some every single day. Tried dating once, ended fairly quickly. The second time i was almost manipulated into it by someone who i thought of as a friend but they wanted more. That also ended quickly. 1/10 wouldnt recommend.
Pretty sure exposure therapy doesn’t work on me. All my tries have been rejections and each rejection have only cemented my negative thoughts about myself. I’m kind of old too. My therapist said I have trauma I need to deal with lol. So just going out and trying it don’t work always. Just sharing so maybe someone find it useful.
That is because exposure therapy is for phobias, not for pain. Exposure therapy would work if you had a fear of rejection, not if you feel excessive pain due to rejection. Just going through painful experiences doesn't make anything better.
What's helped me was acknowledging that I chose the pain of rejection over the pain of being lonely, which I find to be far more painful. When I put myself out there I can say that I gave it an honest effort and the pain of rejection feels almost cathartic in the sense that I gave it my all.
the last thing you said helped me with something completely unrelated to rejection, thanks I guess if you replace rejection with failure, it can apply to a lot of things
Handling Rejection: Alternative Solutions Rejection is challenging and often advised to be faced repeatedly until it no longer bothers us. However, this approach is hard to practice, especially when rejection sensitivity is linked to insecurities and self-judgment. Alternative Strategies Exposure therapy involves gradually facing rejection in controlled situations, which can help reduce sensitivity over time. Positive self-affirmations help by replacing negative beliefs with realistic, positive ones. Communication is crucial, as clear and open communication can address misunderstandings. Altering perception by questioning and reshaping thoughts can change reactions to rejection. Meditation Meditation aids in separating oneself from reactions. Though there are perceived differences between Hindu and Buddhist techniques, both traditions offer effective methods. For individuals with trauma, it’s important to find competent teachers who can provide grounding meditation practices. Additional Tips Avoid passive-aggressive behavior as a protective measure. Instead, focus on clear communication and reshaping perceptions to manage rejection more effectively.
I don't ask many people out, because I don't like how I get when I'm inevitably rejected. I get really moody and irritable to people around me. Hopefully, this video will help
i have subscribed to this channel a long time ago , because sometimes i struggle with stuff and then i try to find handles to cope with that. It been a long time i watched a video but i can say that it was very helpfull and interesting to listen too. The part that he said that humans react on some stuff because they had a bad experience with is very familiar ,thank you doctor for this helpfull video !!
If someone has a fear of rejection and that is caused by their belief that they are rejectable, doesn't getting rejected over and over again actually reinforce that belief? I get the technique when someone has a fear of spiders. They get exposed to some harmless spiders and they learn that they are not dangerous. I wonder if it can work in the same way with rejection since getting rejected actually does hurt, especially if you're rejection sensitive.
I hope a lot of guys can watch this video. Online dating or online interactions in general can get uncomfortable if one person is rejection-sensitive and starts getting passive-aggressive.
There is a girl I like, (looks and her personality, no similar interests, but i still like her) which I'm friends with. she got to observe me from another course from online lectures (back then i didn't know who she was)and I get to meet her cause we can have lectures in auditoriums and apparently in the second semester, we got to be in the same course group. Now we(her and other female friends) regulary walk to the train station and go to our homes. The depressing part is when I see a new guy who is her friend, out of no where, appears in our friend group and after some time I never see them again. I don't know what to think and this video helped me to clear my confusion. In the end, I don't care anymore and I don't want to like her, but my monkey brain won't shut up. That's life I guess.
I was best friends with a girl in college while I was dating someone else for about a year, a year and a half. We made some serious memories together doing things I'm really happy I ever did. At one point I started falling in love. I don't really think the feelings were mutual but at one point she did ask me out. It was like dream come true basically. We dated for a very short period then she changed her mind. It was super heart breaking. Then we weren't really friends anymore after that. I don't think I ever really got over it. It's 12 years later and I still think about it. I don't know like how you "handle" this kind of scenario. I've dated a few women since then but I just don't ever feel anything that strongly to them.
I have a rejection sensibility due to my autism, gifted spectrum and complex ptsd causing a lot of issues socially. I've been bullied, attacked, ignored, harassed, abandonned and twice all my friendgroup turned straight out traitrors from one day to the next. It gave me complex PTSD over decades of rejections, treasons, abandonment, end of engagement after 3 years of relations.... I'm way past just feeling scared of rejection, for me rejection is a fact of life I need to deal with. Worst, the people who cared about me the most and understood me the best all died. I'm thinking of getting a dog, there is no judgment over the uncanny valey of my neurodivergence with them. If anything I'm highly competent with dogs, but they ain't exactly girlfriend materials if you know what I mean XD. I'm 38, tired, wounded physically and mentally, my sexuality is all over the place due to trauma and limited use (not completely but let's say I could probably count those encounters if I thought about it hard enough)... I'm doing better overall now though with the PTSD scars and dealing with the two spectrums is getting easier now that I learned about them and that I was on it, but I feel like I'm too old, with too many issues and I tend to repeat myself so I can be a bore after a few days if your interests don't match mine... What should I do with all that abbandonment at this point? Should I just resign myself and get a dog (or, you know, a robot at some point... once they become decent conversationalists and can walk themselves and help in the house ; ) ) It isn't so much that I react that badly to individual rejections anymore, I'm just too tired to deal with more scars, more trauma, even if they don't hit hard individually. Now I'm a champ at short encounters with random people on the street, I've become an interesting conversationalist in those limited settings, but anything long therm is hard if there is not a d&d game implicated to dull out my repetitive complex thoughts on psychosocial, political, historical, sociological structures that obsess me... I transferred all my trauma into a will to decipher human interactions, but I'm off key, a bit like an alien resident humanologue taking samples and making migratory patern predictions. Sometimes I just go too far into reading people's demons and I try to help compulsively... I know I shouldn't, nuronormative individuals deal poorly with that kind of vulnerability and uncomfortable truths, but this is a compulsion and I just can't stop myself so it gets awkward quick when they are not ready to hear it... or when I use it against those with ill intent like narcisists and the, often, traumatised sociopaths... Anyway, I'm not the easiest guy, I know it, I try to mask part of it, but that's still me inside on a structural level no matter how many interpretation softwares and rerouting I make and do to hide my IP and source code... that won't change, I'm figuratively an alien in human skin... or the closest analogue really, especially with my double neural specificity. I crave social engagement and love like everyone else but I just don't see it comming my way anytime soon... any ideas out there?
I have a girlfriend who loves me a lot, so for my im using this to apply to my job. Being in sales you face a lot of rejection so I'm going to draw the connections and hopefully improve my skills! Dr K. Content can be useful in multiple ways
Top tier content as always. The rise of psychologists on the net is a clear sign that people don't really enjoy being vectorless. Imagine being Nietzsche centuries ago and figuring this out.
I have just got rejected today. I must say, I am so glad about it. Of course it hurts, but it just seemed like the relaionship won't last long even if I was accepted because I was going through depression and she had some red flags as well. I was blindsided as I thought we can be one of those couple in a heroic narrative where we develop together and so on. I also made lots of mistakes which ultimately had to end up in rejection. I was being very clingy and sent shit tone of cringe messages. Last time I saw her, she seemed really annoyed by me tbh. Anyway, there was a lot of pain, I couldn't focus on my academics, and I am glad it is over.
I found your chanel just a few weeks ago and since then i cant stop watching your content. I love the way you break complex behavior down, so anyone can understand it. Please keep it up. :)
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My late great uncle said to imagine a world where they said “yes,” but didn’t mean it. Would you rather be in a relationship with someone who didn’t really like you, but just said “yes” to please you? Would you rather have the embarrassment of getting a job that you’re not qualified for just because you’re “nice,” only to be fired a month later? Would you rather end up bankrupt because your banker funded your bad idea just because you wished they would? Often rejection is actually saving you from deeper, and harder to recover from pain.
This is really good advice actually good bless him
Your uncle understood what life was, wise guy if I may say so
much respect to you and your uncle. What a wise man.
What a wise man. Currently, I’m dealing with rejection b/c of my pessimistic mindset & I'm planning on using this time to change for the better for myself
I would, actually…
the timing... I literally confessed my love yesterday and got rejected. Love you and thank you, dr K. I've never experienced anything more helpful than your videos.
Stay strong brother. On the same boat as you.
Sorry to hear that buddy. Confessing is such a vulnerable spot but it feels necessary. You helped yourself by putting your thoughts out there and not having that constant question "what if?" eating at you. You'll be able to move on soon, even if it doesn't feel like it! You got this
Stay strong bro
Hope your offer of a relationship was turned down respectfully 🌸. For me, learning to be authentic also meant learning to say no and understanding that does hurt people sometimes, so trust me when I say it can be a painful experience on both sides. Lol I know pain can often narrow your ability to think clearly, but don’t ever put yourself or the person you liked down over of a rejection, because not only can that cause you to develop the fear of asking out someone else or even the same person down the line if circumstances change, but being rejected is actually a process of learning and understanding a critical skill set. There is actually an awesome upside to your courage though. Having the capacity to communicate your feelings, handle negative situations (like a rejection), and honesty are actually all qualities girls like, so whilst there may be some pain and awkwardness now, I know many of my girlfriends are in happy relationships with guys and something that strengthened their attraction to them was because they observed or heard about the time the ‘love of their life’ lol rejected them.
Oooh sorry I think dr.k feels like you're a brother to him
Have been scared of rejection all of my life. The more I go out and socialize with people, and even face tons of rejection is actually a huge relief of pain compared to the pain of living in a bubble and watching other people from the outside
true
Personally the only solution I've found is to have strict boundaries around rejection. If someone has proven themselves to be unreliable, then I must set a boundary around that. "I will not ask X person to hang out and will only have a casual relationship with them." For as long as I have an ego, which is pretty much always unless I'm tripping or something, I have to have boundaries to protect myself. The whole point of boundaries is to keep myself safe when interacting with other people. And it may be that I need stronger and stricter boundaries than other people due to my own upbringing. I can't allow people to continually and endlessly disappoint me, and there is no way to bullshit my perception around that. Usually when I've reached that point, I've already did everything I could and have had conversations and those conversations don't lead to anything and the best, and at worst end up with other people calling me exhausting. I can't force people to do anything. And yes, even distancing myself from people who reject me is acceptable. I don't owe people anything. I don't need to be an ass, but I don't owe them anything either. I am allowed to be disappointed and hurt
A quick mental skill my counsellor taught me to help manage perception is to come up with 3 reasons why the person did what they did, and one explanation must be whacky. It really helps loosen up the mind and have empathy and curiosity 😊 Hope it helps, champions 🤩
This does a great job of addressing how to tackle the “perception of rejection” i. e. not getting a text back but I was wanting more exploration of actual or clear rejection. For example, if I apply to a job and they get back to me and say: “You’re a great candidate with a great resume but you aren’t what we’re looking for so no.” I ask out a woman and she says “You’re a great guy but I am not attracted to you so no.” I submit a book to a publisher and the publisher says: “This is a great book but we don’t publish books like this so no.” These are rejections, changing my perception or perspective on then will not change anything.
Hope you get published though dude ❤️ keep grinding
@@juiceboxbzrk thanks, I was trying to come up with a artistic example, but thanks for the well wishes.
yea this video kind of let me down to be honest, I thought he'd be talking about clear cut rejection as it's a much bigger, widespread issue in my eyes
I love the analogy you gave. It took me a while to realize that being rejected usually doesn't mean something is wrong with me, but that we just have different likes and dislikes or different personalities. We are most likely not compatible and the relationship wouldn't last, so a rejection is the best thing you can get in that situation.
@Clavmoth Thank you for your comment and I respectfully disagree. Thinking about WHY I wasn't hired or WHY I was rejected would not make me feel better. I am the type he described, when I am rejected, I am wrecked for days. And trust me, thinking about WHY or finding out WHY brings no comfort. But I know your comment was not malicious.
"You gotta be rejected over and over again."
So far so good, this part I got down to a tee. I just really wish at least once I would not be...
Your comment reads like a poem
I didn't reject your comment
This is where I’m at. At a certain point I have to conclude I am wasting my time, need to change something I’m doing.
Something I noticed as a kid is often people would have a need to put someone else down because they lacked the confidence to accept themselves, so I learned to put myself below someone to make them feel better and so they wouldn’t feel threatened by my personality anymore. I learned it because adults were bigger than me and they could hurt me as much as they wanted until I gave them the personality they wanted me to show.
When I was little it was really scary and lonely. Now that I am bigger, when I notice someone feels threatened and is going to start trying to put me down, I remember how I used to feel and think they are using their strategy they learned to stop feeling that way - becoming the oppressor so that they aren’t the victim anymore.
Being present with the person and empathizing with their secret inner feelings while they do this has really helped me find new, surprising ways to connect across differences and even transcend the victim-oppressor relationship so we notice stuff we didn’t even realize we had in common and start collaborating to help each other grow.
I would never ask out girls who I wasn't sure 100% would go out with me if I asked. While it's cliché to say that failure helps you grow, putting yourself out there is the most important. Just try to go into dating with an open mind but no expectations - don't think they have to go out with or that they're not into you.
I can’t tell if that’s a double or triple negative so I don’t understand if you’re accepting that not 100% of people will go out with you or if you’re afraid of asking someone out without 100% confidence they won’t say no.
@@newuser689 agreed. He's phrased it poorly, though I suspect the former, given context
@@newuser689 I’m going to assume he was saying that only asking out girls he was 100% certain about was the wrong approach to have. And that the willingness to put yourself out there despite the odds of being successful not being in your favor is the important part of growing as a person.
@@DoggyDisk yeah, I am near certain you're right. To expand on what they said, your confidence will be boosted a lot by putting yourself out there when you're not certain and getting a good response!
Go into dating without the expectations of dating? Pick one. You cant have both. The act of going in itself is an indicator of expectation. Pick a struggle my guy
"I'm 22 and still feel like such a child"
Friend, im a little older, living on my own and working, and mentally I STILL feel like I'm a strange kid, and I always get told that I shouldn't worry about how I don't feel mature, and I know a lot of people who feel the same. You're by no means alone and you're definitely not losing the race of life.
agree. although ive never worried about it, if anything im happy im like this
do you feel pressured to grow up by society? because how i see it is; you're a kid for a limited time, you have 70-80 years to do the boring 'growing up'
Dude I'm almost 30 and I still feel this way
I just turned 18 this year and I'm still learning how to be an adult and I already hate it lol.
Lol, just talked to my boss the other day. He’s turning 57, but still claims to have the mind of an 18-year old and he definitely acts it some times, lol. At the end of the day, we’re all just kids to some extent.
im 34, an engineer, playing guitar pretty well and still am the most unsecure guy you can imagine
I absolutely can’t rave enough about you, this channel, and your coaching program Dr K. You do SO much good for the world my man. Finally making progress after feeling so stagnant for so many years. Y’all if you are having difficulty definitely sign up for his coaching. Shit is amazing 🔥
You mean group or solo coaching in your case?
@@Aurius-r4l I went the solo route, my anxiety would make group pretty difficult. I’ll probably work my way up to it.
I'm happy for you man!
@@Ken_9000 thanks dude! Positive vibes your way as well
Never got rejected because I never ask out in the first place
Keep on the grind boys
1000 IQ gameplay here
@@franacha you're placing them way to high on a pedestal dude. Theyre the exact same as you, even the extremely hot ones. They're just people, they like dumb shit and get embarrassed same as you. Just talk to them like people and not like "unattainable goddesses" 👌
Sad flex bro, maybe nut up
Can't miss a shot if you don't take it
Exactly why I'll never be asking out the girl out I like so much. This way I won't be getting rejected. Um smort. \/
"rejection" itself has never been my fear. I also reject people, if I'm not feeling it, and I personally feel the odds of 2 people being 'right' for each other is VERY rare in the first place. So no worries there. My issue is "how" you get rejected, and that's where the fear is. When you finally decide to flirt or ask someone out, and they give a disdainful look and make you feel awful. That may happen mostly in teen years, but when it did happen, it did not feel good and you don't get used to it, lol. For me, I would only ask out women who were good people - and anyone that turned me down in a nice way, it was totally cool and we moved on as friends without issue. I asked out a waitress (very carefully, as I knew her about 2 years and we chatted a lot - just a tiny place), and she was super nice about it, but said no. We texted back and forth that day, made some jokes, and our friendship didn't waver at all. THAT kind of rejection is actually great, because you can remove the question of "is there more here?" and let friendship be the focus. For me personally, that is a great feeling.
--this is my brain rambling, sorry if it made little sense or sounds stupid lol!
I totally agree with this it's just how they do it that actually matters, but you won't always find people like that so what should u do?
You're completely right, but the reality is that you're going to meet at least one person who rejects you "poorly" or in a hurtful way, and it's probably going to be someone closer to you than you think. So building the resilience to deal with the manipulative or hurtful stuff is going to serve you better in the long run. It's unfair, and I wish life wasn't this way, but at the same times, sometimes we just have to learn to work with reality.
@@ryanbarker3978reality is such an evil place
@@ryanbarker3978 I always have to think back on what happened to being decent or civil.
What helped me a lot in learning to accept rejection by a girl is the simple thought that just as I shouldn't feel compelled to accept an invitation/proposal by someone (despite finding them agreeable), so other people shouldn't feel compelled to accept mine. I've been rejected and I have rejected. We're all just human beings and it's normal that we're not interested in everybody. What we CAN do is raising our chances by taking better care of ourselves and become better, more interesting, funnier, more mature people. But let's never forget that ours (just like anybody else's) is a proposal, an offer, not an imposition or ultimatum.
I never knew "rejection sensitivity" was a thing, I guess it's good to know that I'm not alone. I've only ever asked out two people in my life, and both rejections made me suicidal and depressed. I don't think I can even watch this video, just thinking about this topic is putting me in a bad place...
Slow steady steps cover mountains and valleys whole.
Keep on moving forward, and just take the time you need to keep focused on your goals.
A fear of rejection blocked me from taking care of myself and developing self-esteem, so I had to progress to a point where rejection wasn't the obstacle for my growth before I acted. This just made me more afraid to learn, and through my love of learning, I've been tilting the scale back over and healing.
Slow and steady steps, pilot.
💯 agree @@1videoormore 😊, slow and steady steps. Take the time to understand yourself and take care of yourself. Remember these are skill sets that are actually quite difficult to learn so appreciate that it will take time and some of it will be based on trial and error. Future you (and those that care for you) will be grateful for your efforts. If it’s hard even to watch the video, it maybe worth seeking out health professionals to guide you through this process. Like I said, it’s a “learned” skill, as in, we’re not born with it, so we have to learn from others. And don’t worry you’re definitely not alone, this is all an awkward and somewhat painful part of the human learning experience that most of us fumble through...remember slow steady steps and most importantly .... remember to be kind. Particularly to yourself 😊🌸😊
You can just live your life playing it safe and only ask out girls that make it so painfully obvious they like you that they might as well have it stamped on their foreheads. That’s how I’ve coped with it anyway. Wouldn’t recommend.
bruh
@@Astrothunder_ yeah that sounds awfull.
Honestly the rejections I can handle, it's the constant ghosting after a good date that messes me up mentally.
Im right now in this position and its the reason I watch the video...
I would argue that ghosting isn't rejection. Its ignoring alltogether which imo is on another level. Ghosting also does not provide closure.
Your perception of a "good date" was probably different to theirs and if it's constant then you're probably doing something or behaving in a certain way (probably unconsciously) that is turning your dates off.
Ghosting is borderline mental abuse. I like to think that’s it’s more of a reflection of them, being emotionally immature and insecure. Hope you’re doing good king
This video should be shown to every pre-teen. Dealing with rejection is one of the most important and useful tool that nobody will teach you (except for Dr.K obviously)
I'm so glad Dr. K is here. There are a lot of times where I find myself in such a really bad state but whenever that happen, Dr. K is here to release some videos that are quite similar to my situation. I'm so happy whenever he releases videos, i felt someone could explain how my emotions are doing right now and could guide me to the right path
While Dr. K is a great addition, like I am sure he would agree, you should seek professional help if you really have issues.
Thank you so much Dr. K! you hit the nail on the head yet again! When it comes to learning how to be less sensitive to rejection, TELLING PPL TO GET A THICK SKIN DOES NOT WORK! I cant tell you how many times I heard that throughout my childhood/college years in response to me being "overly sensitive". It only made me sadder bc no one around me was willing to show me empathy and validate my feelings in that moment.
What eventually helped me become less sensitive was working with my therapist to learn how to accept my feelings as they were and never labeling them as good or bad (i.e. using the RAIN method). Once I got that step down, unlearning a negative self-dialogue and replacing it with a positive one through self-love affirmations, journaling, meditation trained my mind to respond differently to rejection and not internalize it as much. Hope this helps :)
I'm still somewhat recovering from a break-up that happened a little over 3 months ago now, and the part about being triggered by the slightest sign of that thing happening again is so very resonant with me.
The relationship seemed to be going well for me before the break-up and so in trying to figure out where things went wrong, I began to reevaluate all of my behavior during the entire relationship. After going through a few rounds of "there is no way to tell if I'm remembering this worse than it was because of my current mental state" and even talking to the person who broke up with me, to no avail, what I got triggered by as being "the earliest sign of rejection" kind of became "starting a relationship".
I've been avoiding romantic pursuits and, ironically, rejecting anyone who approaches me, in an effort not to suffer the same debilitating pain again. It's only been very recently that I felt comfortable enough to go on a date or engage in conversations with people I share a mutual attraction with.
Honestly, I still think it's too soon for me, but by putting myself out there and calling out my own self-defeating behavior when I notice it, I've made strides in getting over the break-up and feeling more comfortable with the idea of a new relationship.
Sorry for oversharing and thanks for reading.
There's nothing wrong with taking time to evaluate. Maybe try to figure out your needs, as well as a way to communicate them to potential dates? That way you get a better grasp for whether the person you're involving yourself with will lead to a similar situation to the one you just suffered.
You dont have to be ashame of sharing.
I know this sounds weird, but your entire way of describing the situation is very egocentric but I think that's good! For sure there is a simple answer in most cases: The other person just has different feelings and expectations for a relationship than you and even if you enjoy it, you can never rule out they might stop doing so at any moment. There are many reasons for this and the key takeaway is to figure out what YOU want out of a relationship. If it was good for YOU then that's awesome, fuck what the other person thought after it, if they don't match your style that's on the other person. If you try to avoid losing people by changing yourself (to an unreasonable degree and out of non self improvement related motivation) even though you are fine with how you are, that's usually a waste of time and the wrong way for most people. And if you have an issue with it being not in your power to make "sure" the person stays with you. Remember: It's not even in your power that you will live to see another year on earth, it's just a natural temporal state and you should make the most of it. And btw. ofc you will usually find plenty of people you can try again with, not like very other person is stuck in a long-term relationship am I right :) And will it hurt every single time? Yes ofc!
So what is my advice: You are on the right track by looking at the point of inception, the beginning of the relationship! Your goal should be to figure out who will stick and who won't before you start a relationship, not how you can behave IN THE RELATIONSHIP to make it stick. And ofc that might take trial and error but it is possible to know ahead of time how long your relationship will last if you learn more about how people are. So ask yourself instead of what you did wrong: What would the other person have had to be like to not want to end the relationship.
My mentality
Rejection from job: No worries i can learn from this and see where i can improve
Rejection from romance: Promises to keep in touch and slowly distances themself.
I got rejected by a classmate, I told her I respected her wanting to stay friends. But I noticed her energy towards me changed after that, so I’ve been giving her some space, and honesty kind of ignoring her which probably wasn’t the move. But I don’t handle awkwardness well and she’s been very awkward with me.
"Let's just be friends" is her way of politely telling you no. She was nice and let you down easy. You did the right thing by giving her space. I got some bad news for you tho. That 'awkward' vibe is gonna stay.
Unfortunately that space is only gonna get bigger and bigger.
Honestly I think that's a great call. You handled everything very well my dude I'm surprised someone your age got it down. She's being immature and likely doesn't know how to react in this situation. If she wants to make things awkward that's fine, but let her be awkward by herself. You haven't done anything wrong
@@inquisitionagent9052 read it again, he said he wanted to stay friends
@@juiceboxbzrk but she doesn't. Again, "Just be friends" isn't a request for friendship. Its her way of letting you down. Understand the subtext of the situation.
Besides, you'll never truly be friends afterwards. Too many emotions that will get in the way. On top of that now she knows your intentions aren't of genuine friendship. There is an underlying desire for something more intimate. Eventually these desires will either sow the seeds of resentment, or you'll both drift apart into apathy. At best you'll be acquaintances who are cordial with one another. At worst you're just playing friends with a lot of underlying covert contracts
18:30 In my experience in dating this usually works. Ignoring a person helps that person to create distance and think about the time they actually are without you. Those who love you will text back. My gf did things sometimes like saying shes tired to get out of a event, sex etc. What i do is i dont get mad. Or talk about it much. I just say okay, understood. Then dont text her back for a bit. Not unrealistically long. Its not punishment or toxic behaviour. Just give them room enough to think about if they actually miss out without you or not. Girls often come back and then text more than before. But if they dont do whatever. Find someone then who cares :)
it's amazing that it took for this guy to explain the process of fear and how to actually take the proper steps to overcome it in less than 30 minutes meanwhile all my therapists or psychiatrists over the last 15 years couldn't and still can't, it's about perception, you send yourself into a thought pattern that shapes how you feel and how you will react, even though you can try and change how you react it doesn't take away how you feel, you're just pushing yourself through something you think is hard at that point in the hopes it will change how you see it, but because you view it as hard it feels hard and therefore you have just reinforced your own belief in that it is hard.
so how do you do it? well you have to perceive it differently but that's a big ask for something you have habituated yourself into believing, and so how do you push out beliefs that you can see is not real to others but it is for you? even though you can see it's not real for them it's still real to you.
and so there is 2 ways i think you can manage your perception, one is no perception, you simply do not think about it, you will look at it reactively instead of proactively, do not build something that you have no idea if it will happen, you can only manage what has happened so don't assume anything before hand.
the other is trying to change the perception to that of positivity, what do you like about it, what about it makes you happy or could possibly make you happy and focusing on that instead of the assumption of "bad things will happen", but yeah it's gonna be hard to stop yourself automatically falling into your own old thought patterns.
that took me about 10 years to figure out, took me about 3 more years to figure out that i didn't always think this way and i could simply think of my old self and how i did see it back then which was that it didn't even cross my mind, so my solution is simply don't think about it as simple as that seems but it seems to be working.
My perception of others rejecting me has come a long way, I’m fine with someone saying no, but being open and communicating things important has been a struggle because I feel often times I’m bad at putting things into words. Stepping back looking at things different has been helpful and this video feels like it’s clarified some of the inner workings of my brain lol. I feel often I reject myself too and need to be perfect if anything
Some of my fear of rejection is from getting rejected over and over again and not having any power to change the outcome. If you beat yourself up with every rejection, getting exposed to even more rejection is actually more harmful.
Same here. I can handle rejection in most cases, but if that rejection keeps happening again and again, it breaks me, especially when I need that approval to survive (for example: if I am finding a job after being laid off for almost a year. It’s really hard to handle rejections after keep trying and trying.)
My advice, don’t take it personally. If you’re rejected just keep it moving. Don’t dwell on it, don’t let it beat you down, just pick yourself up and move on. It also helps to improve yourself first, confidence largely comes from competence and skill. Work out, eat better, get your mind right etc,. However most people find self improvement harder.
Its hard but better than being co dependent on a partner for value.
You're right. But damn if it doesn't hurt. Its so easy to let it beat you down and break your sense of self worth
Stay strong bros
While your advice is appreciated, I'm fairly certain that the people watching this video *simply cannot do that."
I don't know how well that'll work out here.
@@MiketheNerdRanger are you saying that they are not in the mental headspace to start? Because if so I can agree with that. But if you’re suggesting that some people can’t ever get good at talking to the opposite sex, that I can’t at all agree with. Everything is a skill that can be improved upon. Even things like charisma and confidence.
It’s only bad when you don’t have a replacement
I'm 40 years old and have screwed up literally every relationship in my life due to this fear. I still have hope though. Thanks for this little handbook. So far, I tried to control my reaction. This was not really successful. Focussing on the signal makes much more sense. Thank you so much.
One thing that has helped me is to think of other situations where I've felt scared, yet excited about it - like watching a good horror movie. If I can tell myself that my fear is just part of the fun then I can gather up more courage, since in that situation I can accept the feeling - but also sometimes crave the pay-off to the anticipation I've built up in my mind, as opposed to wanna avoid it.
Dr K you just don't miss! Much love and respect for the HGG team.
About a week ago I finally managed to confess to my high school crush after like 6 years and yeah I got turned down because I should have taken a shot way back then and all that. It's a painful experience but all in all it felt great and liberating. 9/10 would get rejected again :D
lmao
Taking responsibility for myself is the first step I'm currently in. Once I've gotten a handle on myself, then I feel like putting myself out there will be worth the energy and the rejections will be less severe.
As always amazing content by HealthyGamer.
I have semantics issue with English word "Rejection".
I've encountered this rejection concept in countless books about social anxiety, self esteem and any kind of emotional inhibitions - but until recently after I learned about ADHD and RSD and Autism etc - and even watching it right now - I realized that Rejection is connected with our perfectionism and inability to initiate parties or meetings or speaking with someone unknown, organizing and planning events. It is associated with ability to make new friends and new acquaintances.
For me - Rejection means a technical term in factory where product with fault is rejected and put in 2nd class category to be sold at half price. Rejection for me it connected to applying for some Universe or Lottery game - and our application paper is rejected because it doesn't have certain information which I cannot fill in later on. That is how I imagine rejection in English language - related to some boring, technical, educational or work system. I do not see it connected with personal intimate decisions and the reasons why we have no friends and why we are alone and I do not see it connected to perfectionism and inability to start any initiation or making idea real due to fear of making mistake and being criticized by someone in authority.
Since I rejected the rejection concept - I never really concentrated much on it. OR think about it or devote time to ponder about it - and then left alone without my ideas coming to fruition since I would not connect being alone with inability to make my own decisions and propose things - is actually connected with "rejection".
I think another word is needed to describe Rejection. Perfectionism and avoidance of life and ideas and initiating and innovation - that would be correct term.
If I am rejected because my idea was bad and my idea my result in some harm - I have no problem with rejection. If someone rude rejects me - and in the same time I have alternative ways to do something - I have no problem with such rejection.
I do have problem when I am rejected and I have no alternative ways to do something and depend on such person. And then the fear of asking again for the fear of being attacked, mocked - that is the problem, not the actual rejection. Someone being egocentric and unable to listen and understand or care about others - that is what I would fear, not the actual rejection.
And this is aligned with what is being said in video - with rejection issue - we are focused on reaction and action and we do not think about perception of what really is rejection. Rejection is seen as something that is happening to us - we are greedy or we want something unrealistic so we need to be humble. But - what happens when other people are greedy and abnormal and antisocial and they reject as a tool to harm and hurt others? Will be explain their intrusion, abuse, aggression and Machiavellianism as our personal fault? Something that we can change by our actions and reaction? We cannot control other people. So this rejection is connected with society in general - something that sociologist, law and police and court must handle as well to regulate the distortions in the system - such as coercive control and pathological liars.
If we are in toxic ambient, some kind of Jane Eliot Brown Eyes Exercise - the rejection in form of discrimination will be real. We won't hallucinate the teacher being mean and rude. As kids we have no power to influence or change or punish the teacher.
So - we need to know where we are, to be sure it is toxic ambient - and that we stop internalizing the abuse. Otherwise we might interpret the abuse as our own fault. That we are dumb, stupid, abnormal and that we deserve the disrespect and abuse.
In healthy environment - we need to take the responsibility and realize if we were antisocial and annoying or irritating - and obviously we need to change our ways. But I believe many empaths who are seeking honest and genuine help with rejection are already empathic and cleaned and pruned of toxic behaviour - and we are actually in toxic ambient and we take a lot of responsibility on ourselves from toxic people as if our own - which are not to take in the first place.
Changing perception explained in the video - is being scientist and Sherlock Holmes - to detect, pick up clues, see what is really happening, as if we are in a laboratory, objective, without personal bias to see reality what is happening.
This can be dangerous - when we turn to other people to explain our reality - and for example they are prone to hyper-cognition and they label unknown emotions as what they think it is - and we end up with mis-diagnosis and wrong treatment, wrong instructions how to handle certain issues. We can hear other people's explanations - but if we reject our own common sense and intuition - we will be controlled and manipulated by manipulators and toxic people who like to control others to feel good about themselves, that is how narcissists self regulate their panic chaos emotions and take advantage of their prey and targets of their abuse.
I literally had to experience this today, I went out to dinner with my family and the waitress noticed me playing clash of clans (I'm 20), and she commented about how she likes that game too and how it's similar to another game she was thinking about. Then I followed up with "oh you must be thinking of brawl stars haha. And she said "yeah that's the game as she was about to leave, but like lingered for a few seconds longer smiled and gave me a smirk, that made me think she might be interested in me (why not shoot my shot). So after dinner I decided to write my number on a piece of paper and just walk back in and give it to her. Even if she does reject me, I have to learn from my mistakes/rejections and I walked up to her and said "hey, here's my number" and she proceeded to tell me very politely "I'm sorry, but I'm taken" and so I left the restaurant. It hurt me for a few hours, but I am not afraid to walk up to a girl I think is cute and exchange numbers. We all need this to grow and become better mentally, and the longer we better ourselves the higher chance we get a better woman to love. For those who say I can't miss if I don't shoot, I agree. Be willing to accept defeat to enjoy a victory.
I got dumped a week ago after a year long relationship. Getting rejected hurts right now, but I’m glad she didn’t wait till years down the road because that would have hurt even more. It was my first love, but I’ll recover from this even stronger. I’m grateful to have learned a lot about myself and how to love a partner.
lol u last a year with a girl my relationships last a few days to a few weeks
@alf3071 pain is not a competition, "I have it worse" is an unhelpful way to see the world unless your intention is to whine about it instead of fixing it
if one guy is drowning in 10ft of water and another one in 30, they're both still drowning
A lot videos touch on trauma incidentally, but you really need to do one about the way that abuse makes you feel like everyone is mad at you and judging you. Because (without a lot of help and people who prove themselves to be safe) it is almost impossible to not get caught up on a signal that means violence is incoming.
Cool topic, as usual.
Thought it’s worth mentioning that in the personality courses I’ve taken, they’ve always described “Rejection Sensitivity” as being on a spectrum, and that everybody has it to a certain extent, and those that appear to not “have” RS, either are less sensitive in that area or better at managing their feelings/behavior (at least in those settings). I also find it interesting how difficult it is to rethink/reframe or your feelings and behavior in the moment.
Takeaway: notice your perceptions and challenge your reactions
sometimes I listen to this and think back and it makes click in my head. This happended to me somewhat on accident, a happy accident. I had serious rejection sensitivity with my overweightness and was highly alert to anything that could target my fat fucks ass. But I remember that I heard of a study which headline was something like "people actually dont think as much about you than you think", in reality way way way less than we think. We think primarily about ourselves or about our immediate environmental triggers. And that helped. That actually helped to hear this for once. In many situations where I felt "judged" or just generally socially anxious I thought about that and that soothed me.
And just to end this on a good note, I lost about 40kg (~90lbs) and that all was 6 years back and now I've a beautiful girlfriend despite I gained back about half of that weight in the meantime :)
I had an epiphany recently, when visiting an ex from 10 years ago I was obsessed with. I walked in the door carrying emotional baggage, saw the years added to their face, my perception was instantly altered and the weight of the emotions lifted from my shoulders.
I have BPD and honestly, perception is the biggest reason why I have healthy relationships. Once I realized how to be mindful of that, my life changed. And I'm so less stressed than before.
"You may be the sweetest peach on the tree, but some people just don't like peaches."
I agree about the perception thing. It really is a game changer. And looking at it critically is a good point.
Being rejected sucks. I was rejected by someone. They seemed cool, and I wanted to be their friend, but they weren’t interested in hanging out or communicating. It hurts.
Your videos in the last few weeks have been absolutely brilliant! Ive been following this channel for a while and maybe it took a bit of time to understand the concepts you talk about but I feel like it is all starting to come together and I feel more equiped to deal with the hard things in life. I do like your interviews with guests, but these one-topic 30-50 minutes you do at the moment are absolutel amazing. The way you break down the struggle and offer solutions is really helpful. Keep it going!
It's not rejection that hurts it's the years of rejection even simply plutonic friendships have been rejected.
It's borderline impossible to cope with.
Yes I totally agree with you ..who wants to be rejected??
Someone who's parents and siblings rejected them over and over and to this day still do .. then when you meet people and they seem to want to be in your life and you are stand offish because it takes so long to trust ..then when you finally start to relax it's boom ..you find out this person has a bad past , addicted cheating , lying scaming .. financial user . By this time you find this out your attached because you just want someone good in your life. .it's horrendous .. am starting to think there no moral people left or very little
You are saving my life at a rocket speed DR.K! This much of realizations would take me yeeeaarrss all by myself! Thanks for being with us! Take care!
The thing about rejection is that people ask straight up to make a girlfriend or friend and that can easily come off as clingy needy
I never really ask anyone anything,I just focus on building good casual relationships with people first.
With strangers I might just be nice an ask if their day is going well,if they seem to engage with me we continue talking,if they seem tired or annoyed I quickly move on.
I would only ask someone out if I feel their level of engagement is high enough but if rejected,the secret is to Not take it personally
There’s billions of possible reasons to reject someone that may not even be personal and I don’t want to ever force people into liking me.
It’s silly to be mad people reject you,people are also allowed to not care about you and that’s perfectly reasonable
Best comment no doubt.
I've warched this video some time ago, and more recently the short about talking your feelings towards a friend. And since I've watch this video I've confessed to my two last crushes. I'm now comfortable with them, I see them on a daily basis and it's not too akward as I gave myself a chance to talk about my feelings in a mature way. It also helped me a lot to reflect on myself, I now know a lot more to me than previously because I've gone throigh those situations.
TL;DR: This video helped me a ton within like 2 months
ive been very sensitive to rejection, particilarly from the first person i ever really loved. their feelings changed and mine didnt. anyway we had mutual friends and it made sense to remain friends but they were awful at replies, and regular contact. it would make me feel awful, i felt like i lost the person closest to me in all ways, and i knew for many reasons it wasnt personal yet it still hurt so much. so i finally built up some courage to tell them how i felt, i articulated my idea of friendship and how i felt let down by them. they apologised, emphasised it wasnt personal and that was that. except they never changed after that convo. just yesterday they replied to me after a month and a half. it was a really heartfelt text but to me it just feels empty. i have loved them for so long, and i know i love them so much more than they do me. i cant help but think giving them the 'cold shoulder' is the best course of action now. anyone have any advice?
In the perspective of dating it’s kind of hard. You are attracted to women that may not be attracted to you. And you may not be attracted to women that will be attracted to you. It’s tough cuz not only are you getting rejected but you also have to do the rejecting. Kind of hard lol. It’s so much harder to do the rejecting but being honest is absolutely important.
Women don't ask out men so you can't reject
When I first asked someone out, it wasn't the rejection that got to me. I was planning to do it the night before, and I was so worked up about it that i literally had stress dreams. I woke up, shot out of bed, and was up to my ears in a tight, terrified feeling that persisted until I actually popped the question. I was fine with the rejection, and tbh I was kind of expecting it, but that stressful feeling really sucked. I wasn't even overthinking or mentally double-taking myself either; it was a physical feeling not dissimilar to dread or pain that WOULD NOT go away no matter how hard I focused. The best way I can describe it was someone holding a tight grip on my heart and lungs.
no expectation = no pressure. be friends with her and you might get lucky
@@howardlam6181 that's not being a good friend if you are waiting for her to choose you. so NO
@@lessname9378 I said no expectation. If she show signs of interest all in a sudden and you're still available then why not.
@@howardlam6181 yea but u also said at the end "you might get lucky" which shows you have expectation of her choosing you.
@@lessname9378 It's just me trying not to be so literal. No need to read into it really. And getting lucky could mean she introduces another friend of hers that has chemistry with you. Who knows. I didn't say anything specific ;)
This is very helpful for me who has been rejected so many times that he has given up on dating forever.
Giving up is the ultimate rejection. I hope you can get more casual about asking people out. If your quota is 1/100 then you better rush those 100 or learn who is in range I mean I don't know if you only ask people you already love or if you ask out people you COULD love (on a date not for a relationship at first).
I’m watching this a day after I got rejected from prom and honestly I’m actually kind of glad but I’m still sad, I only have a little hurt with me but I haven’t let that get me down there are always other times! Even though it’s my last prom it’s aye okay :)
It’s not necessarily about fearing rejection
It’s more to do with having a much greater chance of being rejected than the average person is
You made this the day I found out one of my best friends rejected me, more or less. She said that she understands how I feel and that she just got into a relationship. So it was not a hard no, it was just painful. Thank you Dr.k
If it helps you: Instead of telling yourself that she would have if you had been quicker, rather take the (often more common) case that she just avoids hard rejecting you because she thinks it's good for you, aka the classic trying to be nice while making it worse.
Yeah but what if it really is a rejection, especially when the other person is totally conflict avoidant and refuses to communicate about it? I've followed this kind of advice recently with a guy I was friends with who I was attracted to, and I can only conclude now, might have reciprocated the attraction but didn't want a relationship (I found out later he was already in a long distance commitment that was kind of tenuous). I tried not to assume anything from his behaviors and invited him several times to talk and he avoided communication entirely. It led to a gradual disintegration of whatever friendship it seemed like we could have had, and left me feeling really hurt. I guess at that point because of my perception that he didn't even see me as worthy of communication to preserve a relationship.
It seems like you should've given him space. Pressing him for a conversation he didn't want because you needed closure wasn't the move
I'm thinking of an analogy to rejections where you apply for a job or to go to a college and get a literal rejection. It's really not personal rejection but it sure feels like you tried your hardest for them to like you but then they looked at your best and said "nah other people are better". But they don't really know you. It's not personal. Rejection is the default and you could've been great there and they are missing out. It's so hard though.
This guy had his own stuff going on. It's not about you. The essence of who you are is not why he rejected you.
Sometimes we do get rejected, there is just no way around that fact.
And I agree that it can (and does) really hurt. I both have rejection sensitivity and also have been actually rejected with malicious intent, beneign intent and with indifference.
The best (and perhaps the only) thing that you can do, is to accept that this rejection happened and that the other person must have their own reasons to end the relationship. People dont just leave or let a friendship degrade.
He probably felt shame for getting involved with another person while being commited in a relationship. And shame can lead to pretty destructive behavior. Sometimes you just need to let the other person unwind and there is nothing to be done there.
To me, it kind of sounds like you needed more communication from him than he was willing to give. Then, as that discrepancy in need became evident, he started to avoid you more and more. Moreover, it sounds like your perception and communication were the catalyst for something that probably would have happened eventually. Not the cause of it.
Frankly, it doesn't really sound like a you thing. You cited him being in a tenuous long distance relationship, that's pretty much your answer. He might have felt real feelings and was concerned about the fidelity of the relationship, might have felt that he had a different understanding of the nature of your friendship prior to your confession, or simply had too much on his plate to additionally address your feelings. Your 'worthiness' of communication in this instance is unrelated. Another commenter cited this, and I've heard this from friends as well, some people simply have different tolerances and needs for communication. You might be someone who needs 5 chats a week, and 3 is low but doable, and 1 marks the end of a friendship. The guy might simply be someone who needs 1, 3 is high but doable, and 5 is too much and would result in less interaction or the termination of the friendship. Attraction does not always or often doesn't lead to relationships, nor is a solid indicator of compatibility. If I had a nickel for every time I've been attracted to someone that either I would be a bad fit for, they would be a bad fit for me, or we would be ready to strangle each other after a week of time together, I'd have at least a half dozen nickels.
Also kinda curious, why is this guy conflict avoidant? Did he actively run away when you tried to invite him to talk? Or did he simply hit you with a "oh yeah, thanks for the invitation to talk, I'll let you know"? If it's the former, that makes sense, if it's the latter, you might be misreading him letting you down easy.
I think I am growing a thick skin mentally that it never hurts to ask. Planning to send out massive amount of job applications using a bot once I have concluded my chapter in this country. That will probably get me 99% of rejections. But that 1% is still 4/5 acceptance so it's fine.
What happens if your fear of rejection came from many instances of broken communications, one sided understanding, and leads to expectations of you being the one to initiate problem solving all the time?
Your question is not entirely clear, so maybe the communication issue is the issue you need to work on? And you are never expected to initiate problem solving unless you want to solve the problem. If people expect anything from you you don't want to deliver just say it. If they don't respect that then you are free to not engage with them anymore or you can accept them being ignorant if they offer other stuff you care about. You can't (easily) change others so focus on yourself.
Always precisely on time Dr.K, always on time
Any success in life, no matter the definition, requires energy to do so. The more energy you have the higher your ceiling.
we meet again
I did this so much that when I started working towards getting better I could feel all of these protective mechanisms be activated automatically. I would not respond for a day or 2 automatically, I would get cold without thinking of it. These protective mechanisms became ingrained into my personality. I’ve worked to change it and things have gotten so much better. I still have barriers to cross but I have gotten rid of a lot of these emotional protective mechanisms and am much more confident
As an introverted person who never started conversation first I want to share my experience during last couple of years. It is one of a few things which I agree with from pop culture of psychology, motivation and etc from social medias. First rejection felt real bad to the point that I could not forget a girl which I saw couple of times for a month or so in the bar. After that I tried to hit on a cashier in a convenient store and got rejected again. Felt anxious for around a week. At some point I just started coming up to girls on street with random ass weird lines and got rejected so often that I cannot recall the exact number now. So the key is just to understand that at most you are just gonna get rejected and you are not going to die from it or something. It will become "just a rejection" after few times. Not gonna say that it won't hurt. No, it still hurts but you won't care so much.
So yeah, just go for it and try and keep your head up coz there re huge ton of girls and most likely someone better awaits you in the future if you keep going.
Yes! This is exactly why people talk highly about mindfulness. If we can mindful when we receive the signal of rejection, we can investigate it. How do I feel when this signal is processed? How does my perception of this signal reflect reality? By investigating our perception, we gain the power to change it.
@@Couscous77 Exactly correct. First we have mindfulness (waking up to the present moment) and this allows us to see what's going on. The idea of investigation is separate from mindfulness, but it's what follows-now that we're actually looking at we're doing, is what we're doing wise?
My reframing of my mindset started with the re affirmation of the statement...
"No one is obligated to so much as give me the time of day" I was steadily able to refocus onto myself and improve. After the consistent rejections and doing things without letting my anxiousness get the better of me.
I learned to seriously stop the g.a.s. Giving A S#
Can you make a video about this for people who have trauma (actual psychiatric trauma /
Reoccurring ostracism not emotional wellbeing/maladjustment issues people like to call trauma) but have an anxious response (clinging or unable to hold back vulnerability) rather than a petty or vengeful response when you try to punish the person or give them the taste of their own medicine
I usually love your videos, Dr. K, but in this one you never talk about how to handle actual rejection. If you ask someone on a date and they say no, or if you get actually ghosted, how to not let that affect your self steem? How to not to "take it personally" when someone is actually rejecting your person?
I've noticed this lately... Not actually addressing the issue. Even if you watch other videos and even how Dr K runs his courses. He relies on feedback. When you are rejected or ghosted... You get almost 0 feedback. Women tend to reject for anything they don't like... Which is why being less open and honest is a more successful dating strategy which is why "bad guys" use it. So that the lady has less possible reasons to reject you. This isn't what other women would want to hear but it works! Also another tip, women tend to date on the same level or higher... So avoid saying things that bring your own self-image down in comparison to her even if its the truth. People might respond with.. Oh when she finds out later she will reject you... Perhaps... It's far more effective than doing the opposite. I promise you will have way more success if you are able to understand this. Women create the game, its time to play it.
The thing is, I wasn't always like this. It was only until high school that I started feeling self-aware there were a couple of times in primary School (level before highschool) where some girls that were not from my school but we're from high schools actually would see me going home and make comments to each other about stuff like saying I'm cute and adorable, you know, like how a child would be seen as adorable, and then high School came around, where SO MANY people would make comments on my "ugliness". These comments were way more than the girls from primary school commenting on my cuteness, it was so much more that it's not even comparable. This started to have an effect on me since I was the type of person that, even in high school, didn't know what certain bad stuff were, I was basically innocent, and these comments were so hurtful that not only did I become way more self aware but also I became distrustful to so many people and my friend group went down dramatically. I even stopped associating with my family most of the time and became introverted, not an introvert, but I would do some actions that most introverts would do, stuff like avoiding large crowds and staying by myself in my room, however, the reason why I think it affected me so much was even though my school is boys only, on my way to school and back from school there would be some times where ,girls included, a group would pass me by and someone or all of them would make a comment on my ugliness and from that point forward high School officially changed my life and my perception of it. I'm at the point where I'm even considering not getting a girlfriend. EVER.
I'm gonna be honest: high school is HELL and it's the worst effin' pit of VIPERS you'll ever see. It encourages the worst and meanest human behaviors and the girls get effin' BACKSTABBY there, it's like they're trying to raise their own self-esteem by stomping others down for no real reason.
The only thing I can tell you is, if you meet someone once you're an adult who acts like they're a high school bully or a high school girl, RUN.
I've honestly never seen a better indicator of that person being an a-hole than acting like a high school bully or mean girl.
On the other hand, people who DON'T idolize their high school experience and thought it sucked tend to be more considerate, so if you want to minimize your risks of at least only really talking with girls who aren't Those Girls, asking them innocuous questions about high school and disengaging if they liked the experience or say they "were popular" might help you at least make good friends who have your back.
Man I love you and the stuff you're doing.
Found you lately and every video I watch makes me feel better about myself.
Cheers.
There’s good advice here for gaining resilience with rejection but how do you come to terms with the shame of no one wanting you at all? Like, coping with living your whole life without a partner.
I was asking myself the same thing.
I think you just have to reimagine your life into a future in which you are happy on your own. That's what I did, anyway.
What would it look like for you? Here's my version of that future:
I want to live on a houseboat, one that will be my dream home. I want to work my dream job. I have two dreams for that: science teaching, or working at an ngo for poorest families. My life's work will not be just personal relationships; it will be helping other people, or helping shape the next generation. I used to see myself as a sort of semi-nomadic traveller, but now I think a more grounded life would be better for me. One day, maybe, I would like to be a single mother. It's hard for me to imagine myself with a partner anymore - there is little space for them in that future I'm trying to build. But it is easy to see myself living in that houseboat with just a child... so that's an open-ended question. Wish me luck :)
@@weareallbornmad410 Best of luck to you in realizing your dreams! I raised a child on my own and it was difficult but also the best thing in my life.
when i was a teenager i was bullied by my classmates, but the deeper wound was made by the girls that always where calling me disgusting and ugly. So when i go and try to talk to a girl i always have to "build up courage" and try to tell myself that this scenario will not appear, and that this is a thing of the past, but the mayority of times i fail to do that and the fear takes over. It's a very exahusting thing to do. But maybe i can think about the signal, and what's actually happening, i don't know, i have to try.
Good title. Definitely interested in watching this later. Really glad it wasn't "Why you can't handle rejection" or something like that. Good job guys :)
dr k videos always hit the nail on the head with timing
This is precisely what happened today and exactly the information i needed. Thank you so much!!
Rejection is the nature of reality for most men. Not just in the realms of dating but life in general. Majority of the great schools you apply for will reject you. Majority or the job offers you apply for will end in rejection. Learning a new skill will initially result in failure. And ofcourse women, majority of whom will reject the average guy.
In general you will take more Ls in life than Ws. But if you're so afraid of taking Ls that you avoid all challenges, you will never get a W. As long as you do not allow your failures to chip away at your sense of self, and keep trying again, you will eventually get stronger and succeed. This line of thinking has greatly helped me assuage my fears of failure. Its better to try and fail than never try at all
I mostly agree with your sentiment; however, "it's better to try and fail than never to try at all" is a bit too generalized of a statement, that overlooks context-specific scenarios in which the risk associated with "failure" certainly outweigh the potential rewards of "success", when viewed from the perspective of valuing your own health/ self-preservation/ etc.
I would agree if you had started that statement with the qualifier "generally" [*Generally*, it's better to try and fail than never to try at all"] You might think that it goes without saying, but I'd argue it's important in our communication that we don't assume that other people understand the grave importance of "better judgment" in this equation, as there are signs all around us of people demonstrating that they lack that important quality. May the many individuals who failed at working out this equation in the BIGGEST, most unfortunate, way now RIP!
You know, I take too much L that's sometimes, I don't feel I want to do it anymore....
@@Dimitris_Half Some women don't, most women do. Looking at statistics from multiple dating apps and general dating studies, women date up and across social hierarchies, while men date across and down, thats nothing new. Women are much more likely to reject the average man than a man is to reject the average woman.
@@Dimitris_Half I'm not talking about myself, don't ad hominem me because you don't have an argument.
@@Dimitris_Half No, I never said anything about my experience, you're putting words in my mouth because you don't have an argument. You still have yet to refute a single one of my points. Instead you attack my character. Calling what someone says "random shit" because you can't refute it is not only lazy, but shows your own incompetence.
You don't seem to understand what hypocrisy is if you think it's hypocritical to state supported statistical data. You can see data that supports points that you yourself have not experienced, that's why people reference other people's research when writing papers.
I've always tried to imagine rejection as a sort of filter. Echoing what a lot of other comments are saying, it's better to filter out those that reject you than to chase after someone who just isn't interested. Wouldn't you want someone to be as enthusiastic to date you as you are to date them? Rejection sucks and it's okay for it to suck. It means you liked them and what a future with them might have looked like. Feel the things, heal, and get back out there.
I treat all people like I've known them for a decade even if I just met them. So naturally I'm already tired of their shit. New people that I meet are really confused when I just, you know, talk to them normally. This creates a very non-attached and positive vibe and grips people. I already know that I might never see this person again tomorrow, why not to spend some quality time while we are at?
Watching these Dr. K videos is really showing me that our brains work against us not for for us.
It's quite often not rejection,its just our need to be liked by everyone even when people don't like us for obvious reasons that have nothing to do with rejection, build courage to reject what YOU don't like and you'll see rejection is not scary at all it part of everyday life for everyone
personally i have no interest in dating. but im terrified of random judgement.
@@Dimitris_Half i guess. Its not like i dont want sex, just not all the extras it comes with lol
@@Dimitris_Half the risks, emotional investment, the exhaustion that comes with having to support someone else emotionally when you can barely take care of yourself, keeping up with the constant demand for attention, the lack of privacy, living, sleeping, eating, and sharing with some every single day.
Tried dating once, ended fairly quickly. The second time i was almost manipulated into it by someone who i thought of as a friend but they wanted more. That also ended quickly.
1/10 wouldnt recommend.
Pretty sure exposure therapy doesn’t work on me. All my tries have been rejections and each rejection have only cemented my negative thoughts about myself. I’m kind of old too. My therapist said I have trauma I need to deal with lol. So just going out and trying it don’t work always. Just sharing so maybe someone find it useful.
That is because exposure therapy is for phobias, not for pain. Exposure therapy would work if you had a fear of rejection, not if you feel excessive pain due to rejection. Just going through painful experiences doesn't make anything better.
I've come to believe that if I have my shit together according to my own (reasonable) expectations, rejection won't be crushing.
I want to not hold back from putting myself in positions where rejection is possible. I want to not act in fear of rejection.
What's helped me was acknowledging that I chose the pain of rejection over the pain of being lonely, which I find to be far more painful. When I put myself out there I can say that I gave it an honest effort and the pain of rejection feels almost cathartic in the sense that I gave it my all.
the last thing you said helped me with something completely unrelated to rejection, thanks
I guess if you replace rejection with failure, it can apply to a lot of things
That’s a nice way to think of it. Seems I lean toward a pretty balanced mixture of loneliness and rejection.
Handling Rejection: Alternative Solutions
Rejection is challenging and often advised to be faced repeatedly until it no longer bothers us. However, this approach is hard to practice, especially when rejection sensitivity is linked to insecurities and self-judgment.
Alternative Strategies
Exposure therapy involves gradually facing rejection in controlled situations, which can help reduce sensitivity over time. Positive self-affirmations help by replacing negative beliefs with realistic, positive ones. Communication is crucial, as clear and open communication can address misunderstandings. Altering perception by questioning and reshaping thoughts can change reactions to rejection.
Meditation
Meditation aids in separating oneself from reactions. Though there are perceived differences between Hindu and Buddhist techniques, both traditions offer effective methods. For individuals with trauma, it’s important to find competent teachers who can provide grounding meditation practices.
Additional Tips
Avoid passive-aggressive behavior as a protective measure. Instead, focus on clear communication and reshaping perceptions to manage rejection more effectively.
I don't ask many people out, because I don't like how I get when I'm inevitably rejected. I get really moody and irritable to people around me. Hopefully, this video will help
Wow this just hits the nails in my heart 😔😔😭 thank you dr. k!
i have subscribed to this channel a long time ago , because sometimes i struggle with stuff and then i try to find handles to cope with that. It been a long time i watched a video but i can say that it was very helpfull and interesting to listen too. The part that he said that humans react on some stuff because they had a bad experience with is very familiar ,thank you doctor for this helpfull video !!
If someone has a fear of rejection and that is caused by their belief that they are rejectable, doesn't getting rejected over and over again actually reinforce that belief?
I get the technique when someone has a fear of spiders. They get exposed to some harmless spiders and they learn that they are not dangerous. I wonder if it can work in the same way with rejection since getting rejected actually does hurt, especially if you're rejection sensitive.
Thank you Dr K
I really needed to hear this, I've been struggling with this issue for years
I hope a lot of guys can watch this video. Online dating or online interactions in general can get uncomfortable if one person is rejection-sensitive and starts getting passive-aggressive.
There is a girl I like, (looks and her personality, no similar interests, but i still like her) which I'm friends with. she got to observe me from another course from online lectures (back then i didn't know who she was)and I get to meet her cause we can have lectures in auditoriums and apparently in the second semester, we got to be in the same course group. Now we(her and other female friends) regulary walk to the train station and go to our homes. The depressing part is when I see a new guy who is her friend, out of no where, appears in our friend group and after some time I never see them again. I don't know what to think and this video helped me to clear my confusion. In the end, I don't care anymore and I don't want to like her, but my monkey brain won't shut up. That's life I guess.
I’ve gotten used to rejection but as a result (idk if there’s a correlation) I feel like I’ve lost the ability to love.
I really needed this video
14:55 15:49 17:35 18:30 intres 19:05
I was best friends with a girl in college while I was dating someone else for about a year, a year and a half. We made some serious memories together doing things I'm really happy I ever did. At one point I started falling in love. I don't really think the feelings were mutual but at one point she did ask me out. It was like dream come true basically. We dated for a very short period then she changed her mind. It was super heart breaking. Then we weren't really friends anymore after that. I don't think I ever really got over it. It's 12 years later and I still think about it. I don't know like how you "handle" this kind of scenario. I've dated a few women since then but I just don't ever feel anything that strongly to them.
I have a rejection sensibility due to my autism, gifted spectrum and complex ptsd causing a lot of issues socially. I've been bullied, attacked, ignored, harassed, abandonned and twice all my friendgroup turned straight out traitrors from one day to the next. It gave me complex PTSD over decades of rejections, treasons, abandonment, end of engagement after 3 years of relations.... I'm way past just feeling scared of rejection, for me rejection is a fact of life I need to deal with. Worst, the people who cared about me the most and understood me the best all died. I'm thinking of getting a dog, there is no judgment over the uncanny valey of my neurodivergence with them. If anything I'm highly competent with dogs, but they ain't exactly girlfriend materials if you know what I mean XD. I'm 38, tired, wounded physically and mentally, my sexuality is all over the place due to trauma and limited use (not completely but let's say I could probably count those encounters if I thought about it hard enough)... I'm doing better overall now though with the PTSD scars and dealing with the two spectrums is getting easier now that I learned about them and that I was on it, but I feel like I'm too old, with too many issues and I tend to repeat myself so I can be a bore after a few days if your interests don't match mine... What should I do with all that abbandonment at this point? Should I just resign myself and get a dog (or, you know, a robot at some point... once they become decent conversationalists and can walk themselves and help in the house ; ) )
It isn't so much that I react that badly to individual rejections anymore, I'm just too tired to deal with more scars, more trauma, even if they don't hit hard individually. Now I'm a champ at short encounters with random people on the street, I've become an interesting conversationalist in those limited settings, but anything long therm is hard if there is not a d&d game implicated to dull out my repetitive complex thoughts on psychosocial, political, historical, sociological structures that obsess me... I transferred all my trauma into a will to decipher human interactions, but I'm off key, a bit like an alien resident humanologue taking samples and making migratory patern predictions. Sometimes I just go too far into reading people's demons and I try to help compulsively... I know I shouldn't, nuronormative individuals deal poorly with that kind of vulnerability and uncomfortable truths, but this is a compulsion and I just can't stop myself so it gets awkward quick when they are not ready to hear it... or when I use it against those with ill intent like narcisists and the, often, traumatised sociopaths...
Anyway, I'm not the easiest guy, I know it, I try to mask part of it, but that's still me inside on a structural level no matter how many interpretation softwares and rerouting I make and do to hide my IP and source code... that won't change, I'm figuratively an alien in human skin... or the closest analogue really, especially with my double neural specificity. I crave social engagement and love like everyone else but I just don't see it comming my way anytime soon... any ideas out there?
Oh wow you're so quirky
@@thebigstick5540 yep, no doubt about that... no wonder I'm past the 30 years mark in therapy...
I have a girlfriend who loves me a lot, so for my im using this to apply to my job. Being in sales you face a lot of rejection so I'm going to draw the connections and hopefully improve my skills! Dr K. Content can be useful in multiple ways
Top tier content as always. The rise of psychologists on the net is a clear sign that people don't really enjoy being vectorless. Imagine being Nietzsche centuries ago and figuring this out.
I have just got rejected today. I must say, I am so glad about it. Of course it hurts, but it just seemed like the relaionship won't last long even if I was accepted because I was going through depression and she had some red flags as well. I was blindsided as I thought we can be one of those couple in a heroic narrative where we develop together and so on.
I also made lots of mistakes which ultimately had to end up in rejection. I was being very clingy and sent shit tone of cringe messages. Last time I saw her, she seemed really annoyed by me tbh.
Anyway, there was a lot of pain, I couldn't focus on my academics, and I am glad it is over.
Dr K needs to sell a "Yall Get That?" Bumper sticker
I found your chanel just a few weeks ago and since then i cant stop watching your content. I love the way you break complex behavior down, so anyone can understand it. Please keep it up. :)