Literally, last night, i was with 3 friends. We wanted to watch a movie, so we voted. It was tied 2-2, and I pushed for the movie I voted for. We started watching that movie, and I immediately thought the other 2 friends were angry at me for 'winning' the movie choice unfairly. I'm 28 years old.
I can likely think of a million similar examples. I'd feel rotten (guilty?) if I was bowling better than my friends. If I finally won a hand at poker. If I got an "A" and other classmates didn't... I can take not getting a job I applied for - brush off and carry on. But if I'm at work and get constructive criticism, I take it like a smiling grown-up, but inside I'm in a hot, heart-racing death spiral and ruminate about it for days.
As someone who grew up the scapegoat in a narcissistic household, I want to personally encourage anyone struggling with rejection, self worth, and in general to give meditation a try. I started 2 years ago with practices I learned on this channel and now, despite taking a long time, I think it was the single greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. It feels like a space that I have built for myself mentally that I can always go to, regardless of a good or bad day, and know that I’m safe and that anyone else’s judgement doesn’t matter. Thank you Dr. K and Healthy Gamer!
@@blaulin when I started, I went through this channel’s playlist on meditation and tried all of them out and found that I work best with mantra meditations or any meditation that requires focused attention (something like mindful breathing or sound meditations). The one piece of advice I have for anyone starting meditation is to set an intention for every meditation session you have, whether it’s for calming your mind or simply just to enjoy the art of meditation. I would recommend starting with any of the videos in the meditation playlist on this channel, they are all good and diverse so you can get a feel on what types of practices work for you best. Good luck!
I remember telling my mom about how sensitive I am about going out with people because of being rejected. She then told me I had too much of an ego. I'm happy RUclipsrs like yourself exist to bring our hopes up.
She's not wrong. Most fears come from being equipped with an overprotective ego. Ego is not a negative tool to possess. We all have one and need one. We just have to practice how to balance it well and reassure our ego that we will be fine shall these situations it fears rise.
@@FeliciationsI wonder, would you say the same to a small child cowering in a corner afraid to be beaten within an inch of their life because they made themselves a bowl of cereal in the morning?
Like sunbeam said, she isn't wrong - but its not the whole story and was told uncompassionately and is thus more hurtful than helpful. What I'd add is that social anxieties are inherently self-centered. The person that is anxious about how people perceive them actually does end up becoming self-obsessed/absorbed. It actually is a personality trait that others can pick up on and be rubbed off by - though they will not necessarily know in all cases that this self absorption is due to this sensitivity. Grandiose narcissists are self-absorbed in their own way because of their own internal vacuousness and insecurity. In y(our) case, the key, that I think you also gleaned from this video, is that we can have compassion for ourselves and how we have come to be. Yes, I actually am self-absorbed, and I'd like not to be - because I think you guys are great and you are my friends and I want to be present with you and have a good time without thinking about myself. So it is okay to feel compassion about yourself having become this way, and this way of thinking can be undone with this understanding and compassion. We got this.
This dude just has a way. Like, he just narrows in on what I feel and does it in a way that’s so casual and matter-of-fact that it really does feel like, “ah, yes! Rejection sensitivity is a really hard thing a lot of people go through and it’s totally something you can fix.”
Watching this made me realize that rejection sensitivity has been the singular guiding force for nearly every decision I have ever made. Thank you Dr. K, for helping me put the pieces together.
@@connorpeppermint8635 He taught me concept of unfair Power Dynamics. Literally 90 percent of you tube videos have no idea that this exists. Very rare YT channels acknowledge external factor - such as Doctor Ramani, Doctor Snipes, Lisa Romano.
@@ranc1977 he taught me about maladaptive day dreaming and how "shower thoughts" are a phenomenon brought on by a busy world that doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day. Both of these ideas are a contributor to my lack of emotional regulation
@@connorpeppermint8635 "doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day" Yeah, Doctor Snipes talked about similar process - inability to process stimuli and sensory gate being flooded with information. Which is similar to those with autism and ADHD. Whenever I ran across such useful concepts I make videos about them and place it in Psychology sections videos, Check it out. The more education we have, the less misdiagnosis there will be.
I grew up with narcissistic self-victimising parent who would criticise anything but perfection. It's really hard to live with a person like that because no matter how hard you try they will do everything in their power to make you feel bad while saying that they're trying to help you. EDIT: Fixed some errors in the comment.
I get that feeling (from the 2nd person pov) that when someone is better than you, you feel attacked, thus try to "correct" them in every detail possible according to what you want them to be, disguised with the saying "this is for your own good" when in reality it's for your own insecurities.
I'm autistic, and I basically learned from the world that no matter what I do, people just don't like me. I'm constantly on edge and anticipating rejection because it happens so frequently. The feeling is that the entire world just hates me. It's unbelievably isolating.
I haven't been diagnosed, but this is how I feel. Just feeling like there's something already inherently wrong with me so I always expect rejection. And when I am actually rejected it hurts 10x worse
I grew up being constantly told that I was doing something wrong because my mother was insecure and lacked empathy, so now I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. I'm doing something wrong at every minutes of the day. I remember being 10 years old and constantly feeling like there's something wrong in everything I say, so I started to overly think about what to say to my friends and developped social anxiety
I have ADHD and I felt like you were describing many of the thoughts I wrestle with in my head. I have somehow managed not to actually act on the feelings so that other people don’t notice, but I can feel the internal toll they take on my happiness. My assessment of where I stand with coworkers and in relationships oscillates between “things are great, they would have a tough time replacing me” (very rare) and “things are beyond repair, start mentally preparing for all your stability to vanish, because you have one to many things wrong with you for any partner or employer to find you worth the headache” My girlfriend will sometimes even find it funny how black and white my thinking can be in even minor areas of life. From the time I was a kid, my brain seems to have two states. Working perfectly, or failing completely.
Grew up with emotionally abusive parents and became a people pleaser to avoid angering them. Once I got kicked out of my family, I learned being a people pleaser at the expense of my own mental health is not the right thing to do. I still find myself people pleasing and being overly self-critical every now and then from years of conditioning from my parents and past narcissistic relationships. But I've learned with much difficulty how to reign back those tendencies to a certain degree. Still working on it though
The other day I got confronted with the fact I just told too much about myself to a specific person in my work environment. All I can tell you is if you like someone at work personally, talk to them, get closer, tell personal stuff. Do not just go to work and tell everybody about whatever is happening in your private life...
One of my friends used to constantly apologize about things that weren't their fault, and looking back, I can see the dots connecting between your talking points and what my friend has gone through. I ended up staying with them and taught them that not everything is their fault, and somewhat getting above the high rejection sensitivity. They're in a much better place than they used to be in this aspect now, and I'm glad I was able to help another person break out of this cycle
I wonder how much of my neurodivergence is just a result of my PTSD of being abused, which led to my rejection sensitivity/body dysmorphia/people-pleasing traits...It all seems circular/unclear what came first, or how much neurodivergence even exists--and how much of it is just trauma/PTSD/rejection sensitivity
For me, I developed severe rejection sensitivity because of both my home life and my school and social experiences. I've made progress, and feel like I'm continuing to make progress, and Dr. K's advice resonated strongly with some things that have helped me. Journaling and developing self-awareness around my anxious expectation has allowed me to detach from it, or at least certainly not let it always dictate my actions - same thing with the "stall" tactic - often if I just pushed myself to wait a bit rather than sending another text or email, the person would then respond and show me that, look, see, they weren't mad at me after all. Also, very much agree with what he said about "creating a new set of data" for the brain - after more neutral interactions that don't lead the way you fear, you begin to no longer slant them so negatively in your mind, and you also begin to associate interaction with many possibilities, not just the outcome of being rejected. Finally, developing close trusting relationships can show you that people can be trusted and safe, and therefore people's reactions have more to do with who THEY are as people, instead of some kind of inherent negative feature in YOU. Great video and topic.
THANK YOU SO MUCH DR. K ❤ Today, I told my girlfriend that the reason Ive had so much anxiety with the relationship is cos of my rejection sensitivity. We had a nice heart-to-heart about everything and she actually came out and made the first move and told ME that she loves me 😢 I've wanted to tell her for months but I've been too scared cos rejection and abandonment scares me. Seriously, I cannot thank you enough, Dr. K. You have helped me understand my issues better than any therapist or counsellor I've had. You are actually a hero man ❤
somewhere along the way my rejection sensitivity and hyper-vigilance became extremely irrational; it’s to the point where i’m *constantly* trying to piece why someone may dislike me - even before they get to know me. i often worry about how awkward or annoying i’ll be. or how i’ll inevitably mess up and then they may never want to be my friend or meet me again. even with my close relationships, i’m constantly searching for an “off” tone/expression or a joke that maybe came off a little too harsh; to then conclude that they must hate me and will leave soon. if i’m not worrying about any specific situation or event, then i worry if i speak to them, they’ll get annoyed because my mere presence is just that much of a burden. but then if i speak less i become boring and awkward and they’ll *still* eventually leave. i’m scared to tell anyone about these insecurities because of the rejection too.
Same and it’s so hard to be afraid of rejection while shaming yourself for it. Thinking about how people may become annoyed or reject you before anything even happens is super taxing mentally too, hope we can deal with this:)
I'm the same as you bro, the moment I see a person break eye contact quickly, I start overthinking and creating infinite solutions on why they could hate me or have a crush on me both of which are only food for anxiety
Recently, after sharing about my insecurities I have had a few friends reflect it back to me with disapproval vibes, which resulted in me going deeper into hiding.They were trying to offer simple solution such as 'don't worry what they think/you worry too much what other people think'. They were not ill-intended and were only frustrated that I was in there eyes hurting needlessly. Even when I consciously and logically understand I am not being rejected it still is so dysregulating and painful. I guess because of the hyper-vigilant/almost extra-sensory perception. And how the message of them appearing frustrated gets priority in my brain/nervous system over 'they are trying to help'.
Writing this in tears and just want to say thank you, this video makes so much sense to me. During all of my childhood and early adult life (29 atm) I've lived with rejection sensitivity and have had difficulties forming relations (friends and/or otherwise). Around christmas 2022 I started meditating, taking walks, working out at home at a very light level cause I wanted to start moving my body more. As of writing this (march 13) I've already seen a pretty substantial improvement in how I interact with people and the funny thing is I didn't even know why that was. It just felt so much more natural somehow, and seeing this video just gave me confirmation I'm finally moving in the right direction. So for me personally, starting with meditation was the way to go, as that made it easier to become your own observer, and not overreacting since you're approaching it from a more collected standpoint mentally. This video is gold and this man spits some real truth here, it's honestly a game changer.
This is one of my struggles. Weirdly, I've been able to help myself out by faking it until I make it. If I'm ever scared or anxious about a potential rejection, I can take a deep breath and say "it's okay if I get rejected" and that'll usually be good enough to carry me through.
It’s really nice to hear someone validate - and break down - our complicated emotions. I have had so many people get mad at me for taking things personally, or even just for having a moment of anxiety “You’re not entitled to closure, stop whining! You feeling these emotions at all is selfish!” Always making me feel ashamed for my traumas Ironically, letting me feel my emotions helps me improve
Just got diagnosed with ADHD and this accompanied it, I’m grateful to come across this video with all these people sharing their experience with RSD - it genuinely ruined some of the best friendships I had(I say best but more like long lasting).
The part where Dr k. Talks about ready perception really hits home for me it's one of my biggest issues. When I get a neutral response from someone I almost always assume the worst and assume that the person hates me or dislikes me I think once I finish uni this year and start making an income again I'm gonna see a therapist and bring up these specific issues. Thanks Dr K.
I hate the fact that I grew up in a home, where i was walking on egg shels(when it comes to my dad) But at the same time, it made me a more introspective person moving forward in life
This was living at my childhood house. The tension was *so* thick, you could cut it with a knife. Mom would always say, “Don’t tell Dad (fill in the blank), or he’ll blow up.” I also had to be extra careful what I said to my teen older brother, or his bpd self turned 180° on a dime and blew up too-even if he was smiling literally *seconds* ago. Inevitably, someone was always blowing up in that ridiculously volatile environment regardless of how careful we were, and I would often feel somehow responsible for it even though I was only a small child. Mom sometimes openly blamed me. I even got screamed at like a drill sergeant once by my brother, who was 11 years older and 3x my size, for something I don’t remember, “YOU CAUSE ARGUMENTS (my name)!!!!!!!!” **cue in stunned, 7-year-old girl tears** I carried my learned rejection sensitivity into school, where relentless bullying from classmates who sensed my vulnerability made it much, **much** worse. Feeling totally helpless from being unable to connect with anyone, my avoidance and *hurt* added an extra defensive layer of sharp hostility towards others. It was like my ego made this new layer as a weird, last-ditch effort to tell me I was worth something without needing to reach the “unattainable” goal of being accepted by my peers after completely giving up. Fast forward to work now-I’m a people pleaser who is too scared to ask for help, finds looking anyone in the eye difficult, will only sit alone for lunch, and treats fellow employees as meddling npcs who only exist to make me uncomfortable (not proud of it, I know it’s untrue and my inner alarm is overly sensitive). When I get called to my boss, I think “Oh, f_ck!! What did I do wrong *this* time?” instead of “Oh, he’s just giving me something else to do.” When I actually do screw up, all manner of horrible names are involuntarily unleashed on myself (f_cking moron, sad sack, dumbass, waste of skin, useless, pathetic idiot, etc.) and it’s all I can do to stop a litany of apologies and excuses from pouring out of my mouth to my coworkers. When I do things right, enter good ol’ imposter syndrome. I’m trying to get over everything, wear a smile on my face, and stop this BS, as it’s no longer in my best interest to be on high alert and push others away. However, no matter how I act, people *still* see right through me and comment on how quiet and nervous I am… Damn humans. Edits: Added a few more relatable things that could be helpful to someone. Shit, I need to get off these boards and start a diary…lol.
ahh that last part "no matter how i act, people still see right through me" i felt that so hard. i think it's just a journey and process until these new perspectives feel, and come off as genuine. thanks for your words!
@@mouse9831 On behalf of all quiet people, please for the love of God stop remarking on the fact that we are quiet. All it does is stress us the fuck out. Just let us be, okay?
This is the first time I've heard the term "rejection sensitivity" but it definitely reflects how I've navigated the majority of my relationships in life, whether it's family, friends, school, work. You name it. It's tough because I do constantly feel that I'm walking on eggshells. I can almost certainly say my parents caused this through years of overreacting to benign things. My earliest memory was being a kid and telling my mom I didn't like football (the American kind) as much as I liked basketball, baseball, and even bowling. Her reaction was to say she was "disappointed" that I didn't like football. Why I didn't like it as a kid is because my parents would constantly be screaming at the TV whenever the game was on, and if their teams lost, they were in a bad mood for the rest of the day and i was basically left to deal with that emotional baggage. As you mentioned earlier in the video, football games soon became associated with a stressful event, where my parents might get angry. Rather than being able to enjoy the game, I felt that I was just hoping the team would win as a survival mechanism. As I got into my teen years, I developed other hobbies like video games because I just didn't even want to be in the room when the game was going on. I like football now though I don't have a very strong emotional attachment to the sport. I've also inadvertently been working to improve on this. The biggest thing I've done to help with this is to try to change my mindset about it. The mindset I used to have was that i should be responsible for catering to everyone else's feelings. The internal dialogue very much was that I shouldn't be pissing people off, and if there's an issue in the relationship, I need to be the one to make concessions for the sake of the friendship. This is a terrible mindset because you end up conceding on way too much stuff and lose sight of the person that you are. Honestly, I've started looking at it as "well I get pissed off by people all the time, and they don't seem to be willing to make concessions for me" and now I incorporate that mindset more whenever people think it's okay to blatantly disregard my feelings.
As a 38 years undiagnosed ADHD I've ended up realising I was living in a delusion (or even a psychosis) of imagining everyone judging me and thinking about me but I thought it was more of a psychological problem or trauma
This video made me realise that my problem is not that I don't blame myself enough but that I blame myself all the time. 😅 And the solution is not to blame myself even more, but to blame myself less. Thank you Dr. K
Just the other day, I forced myself to not react to the cues I’ve trained myself to respond and shut down on at parties. *I sit down, someone stands up, someone is more interested in someone else’s attention than my own* and it was quite enlightening. I liked when he said giving your brain new data because that was my only objective. It made the pressure of expectation less daunting on me. I think instead of having what others have as a chameleon, that on this track I’ll have something to call my own and share one day.
@@Dimitris_Half well at least you aren’t alone, it felt like he was reading my mind when he said all the thoughts someone with rejection sensitivity goes through in day to day interactions.
Mindfulness helped me lean into the rejection, in a way accept it as not a good or bad thing, just a thing. The book "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels helped.
Fear of rejection is rejecting ones importance in life. Have learnt a lot from this video. I have suffered from rejection sensivity disorder all my life. Never knew it was from my childhood experiences. I am Autistic, ADHD, PTSD and more disorders. Highly intelligent and working on living with my disorders.
Had to listen to this. I am so sensitive to rejection that everytime I got declined for a job apllication (without ever having been interviewed) I would bawl my eyes out for not being good enough. Thankfully I no longer have to deal with that because I have a job; I still fret over my mistakes so yes the "am i going to get fired, is everyone going to hate me?" is accurate.
I can’t reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit, so I always end up ghosting people in shitty and confusing ways. That makes it worse but I just can’t face my fear. To be rejected and to reject others is so damn hard, and that stops me a lot from building new relationships that I want.
the first sentence should be corrected to: "I can't reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit so I reject them" I get ghosted a lot. So I learned to just ghost / reject everyone when I feel just a bit of rejection. Because when I reject first I can't get rejected anymore ... you'll get the point ;) super dumb. But also ... everybody hates me anyways and I learned to live my lonely pathetic life where everything always gets worse every day. Life sucks and then you die.
Thank you for the honest comment. Really bring understanding for those being ghosted in confusing ways haha. But then again, if we're being honest, it's also our own fear of rejection that get triggered when ghosted. I've learnt to not be affected by ghosting anymore, I know it's a maladaptive defence mechanism, that when people know how to function better they do better and just feel some empathy for the person doing so now and peace for myself.
This explains a lot. I behave with women I am interested in and friends the same way I had to behave with my dad as a child or teen. I always felt like walking on eggshells and I was hypersensitive to his unpredictable moods.
As i was watching this i felt so much pain, bc i started looking back at all the times i displayed this kind of behaviour, and realize all the potential and actual relationships i’ve screwed up…also knowing where it comes from is so frustrating, bc there’s nothing you can do about the past now. Hopefully dr. K’s tips will lead to an improvement over time..
Although i grew up with rejection sensativity, which i will be very vague about considering the video, i am proud with myself. I am only 19 and yet ive identified these behaviors (hyper emotion, being invisible, noticing immediate negative stimuli in household, social interaction difficulty, etc). I am commenting on how I am proud of myself because i'd like readers to know that he's 100% right, and ive lived it to say he is! For example: I identified these behaviors, instinctively found his answers in my own experience, and daily enforce safety systems!! He is 100% right on the neutral stimulus, and im so proud that i was able to find the right answers in my own way. I meditate, i let neutrality in my life, and i now can dim my emotions and think rationally when interacting. I thoroughly hope everyone can recover as i have on my own. Many thanks for anyone reading and i hope myself, and the video, escalates your growth!!
The best advice I got was giving other people the opportunity to like me for me. I used to adapt my behaviour and mannerisms to make everyone around me comfortable. I got depressed because I felt like no one knew me. I was lonely. I was not severely rejection sensitive to others, but I was to myself. I think that was because when I was harder on myself than my mother, she knew she didn’t need to express her disappointment for my behaviour to change. But I realised in uni that if I wanted someone to know me, I had to let them know me and not just the part of me that best suited them. I was anxious about it at first, but if I gave them the opportunity to know me and they still stayed around, it was so much easier to relax into myself.
When rejection is all you ever know, & you come to a moment of horrific clarity & you realize it's all you'll ever know? 1) that'll drive anyone mad & 2) it speaks volumes about society. Absolutely none of it good.
i grew up with amazing and supportive and very loving parents, but in grade school to middle school, I was constantly bullied for anything and everything I did almost, which caused me to walk on eggshells constantly in high school. Thankfully CBT really helped me to counter the immediate negative thoughts I had in social situations specifically.
@@crokeyza-team7257 my honest advice is to join clubs and school activities, and actually engage with them. And if you go to a club based on your interest, you have something to talk about. And if hey organize hangouts later on, make an effort to go because it comes across as you being open and willing to spend time with the group which grows a friendship. I'm an introverted person who kinda sucks at social interactions and cues, but I did make a rule for myself to make friends after covid, so I joined my school's queer club, chess club and a black association club. I met others through preexisting friends. And sometimes I muster up the courage to tell people they look nice or their hair's petty or something, and some start to recognize me from it. It gets so overwhelming sometimes when so many people know me but I met my goal at least😭
I hope you'll cover rejection sensitivity over the job/career searching process next. The initial job application stage is absolutely mortifying. I often can't get past this first step because the fear of rejection is so intense.
I've been putting off looking for a job at 21 since I've never done it before. But Im running out of time. My moms the one keeping the apartment afloat by herself with me and my younger brother. I can't be a neet my whole life and not prepare for the future that my mom risked her life to make for me. I just can't shake the fear of rejection and looking like an idiot who dosen't know what hes doing. I'll break down at the slightest inconvenience. I have to before its too late.
@@mokie7421 I hope it doesn't come out as something bad, but... try to think that you're doing this for yourself, first. If you've ever been on a plane, you've probably noticed that the safety instructions tell you that, before trying to help anyone else with the masks or whatever, you have to make sure you've helped yourself first. I know you must be grateful for everything your mom did for you and you probably feel like you have to pay that back. I don't know what 'too late' means, but it looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and that prevents you from doing anything. It's a normal response of the brain when faced with pressure. Fight, flight or freeze. Talk to your mom. Try to make a plan together, let her know that you're trying, you want to do it, but you're struggling with it and that she has your support, but you still need hers in understanding your situation. I don't know, just my opinion. A stranger's point of view, I guess.
@@danaa7425 thanks. I wish I could sympathize with you. I wish I didn't feel alone after just reading a message telling me im not alone. People like me just don't deserve to be alive or should be alive. If only i got luckier and was born stronger than I wouldn't have to mope like the absolute loser that I am. I appreciate your message.
One thing that I think also helps with this is being surrounded by people who aren't rejecting you. Like the group coaching environment or being cherished in a group of friends or one day in a workplace. It's so much easier to apply to jobs when you truly believe in your own intrinsic worth and know on a deep level that you bring value to the job. You know it's their loss if they don't hire you. It stops hurting in that kind of personal rejection way.
This is so helpful to me, I defiantly have rejection sensitivity. Ruined relationships by over apologizing and trying to hard. I just so didn’t know what I was doing hahah. Like wait what? Being overly apologetic over nothing is cringy, clicks now. Thank you!!!
I can’t even watch this all at once it’s like a sack of bricks smacking me in the head describing my own thought patterns better than I can myself and this guys never met me in my life. I guess it is comforting that so many people face the exact same problem
I've been delving into a decade-long research in hopes to figure out "what's wrong with me" and how "I can help myself feel/be better" and never found anything that describes me almost to the T until now. Thank you, Dr K. My searching has finally came to an end
I'm finally learning to have hope that healing can happen. I live in such a dark, negative place in my head constantly battling with the lies i believe hecause of my trauma.... I can never seem to do or say the right thing, everything situation that is negative or ends badly is always my fault, nothing I will ever do or say will ever be right or enough for anyone because I will never be enough. Decades of therapy and I know it's from childhood trauma which then led me into other mentally abusive adult relationships that just fed the lies that lived inside me and made all the chaos I felt harder to deal with. I'm now 43 and am struggling to stay above water everyday of my life. I've never heard of RSD but wow. It makes so much sense. I've been diagnosed with depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, PTSD, panic disorder w/panic attacks, as well as a slight case of agoraphobia... it's exhausting to breathe at times but I'm so willing to find a way to unlearn the nonsense I've been taught to believe about myself. This video is great and im so happy i stumbbled upon the channel. Thank you so much!!!
I feel like they always put all the emphasis on what happened in the home during childhood but the feedback you receive regarding how you relate to your peers and the world can be JUST as damaging as what happens at home. I believe we get a lot of these issues because of experiencing this stuff inside AND outside the home and there being no escape. I don’t disagree with anything here but every time I listen to discussions around trauma and CPTSD there is very little mention about how impactful and damaging other experiences are in addition to having the screwed up home life in childhood. It was a mess at home but going to school was seriously a battlefield. Heaven forbid you are dealing with any -isms then you are even dealing with crap from adults in childhood. Just a thought I’ve been having.
Weeeiirrrddd! You are 100% inside my Psyche and we've never met. No one EVER has described what goes on inside my head... until now. I'm 39! Thank you 🙏
Would love to see a part 2 on this topic, covering how rejection sensitivity affects other parts of one’s life and delving deeper into some solutions. :)
The concept of "learned helplessness" is outdated. The scientists that did the original research on this (Seligman and Maier) have, motivated by insights from neuroscience, completely reversed their stance: Passivity in response to shock is the default, unlearned response and overcoming that passivity is learned.
One thing I love about your videos, you use words like "ours" instead of "them", makes these videos a lot more friendly to people suffering from mental health problems :)
Why does the right video always come out when I need it? I've been struggling with rejection sensitivity all my life, but I've never been able to identify what those feelings were until now. Now I can do something about it.
I dont know where I would be right now without having found your channel and all of your teachings. Every single video is like an "aha!" moment through the entire video of things that i completely identify with and struggle with and have always thought made me a bad or incompetent human, and now I'm learning all these things I've felt have been shared by so many other people, and not only that but they are totally normal and treatable with mental and social exercises or therapy. thank you
Watching your videos I now understand why and how I've screwed up my relationships with people. But that brings up a new level of sadness and self blame, and thoughts about what could have been if I hadn't had those problems then... And also some anger toward my parents.. who I thought I finally had a good relationship with as an adult.. But I also try to acknowledge that they tried their best and they then carried their own trauma..
Thank you so much for creating this awesome community, man. This is, without any doubt, the most wholesome place on the internet. Your videos help me a lot in this journey I've started recently to repair some trauma, and this one has revealed a whole new point of view. I grew up in a home where one parent would punish any little imperfection while the other would not really care at all about anything. Two extremes that are very toxic in their own way. I've been told that I was ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food they gave me and that probably made me feel like I had to earn them (when someone tells you how ungrateful you are for something you start thinking if you are worth getting them). My feelings and opinions were always invalid, so I learned that the best way to get through life is to shut up. This is what anxiety and fear of rejection is and they're really tough to live with. I'm unable to have really close friends, as soon as things get a little bit serious I start thinking I'll eventually screw it up. And I do, usually. It's the same with romantic relationships. Have never kept one for more than a few months. Reading the comments, I realize it's a common experience for people that are (mostly) my age, but the good thing is that now we can all learn together. Our parents were probably fucked up by their parents, so now we can break that chain by discovering ways to do better and be more compassionate. To those who still have doubts about going to therapy... definitely do it. Use these insights in discussing your situation with someone. You'll learn so much about yourself that you had no idea of. Because sometimes (as is my case) this toxic environment prevents you from knowing your true self, being taught you shouldn't ask questions, so you become whatever your caregivers say you are, so you don't upset them. Again, huge thanks Dr. K. Right now, I'll have my next therapy session in 2 hours and I can't wait to talk about this with my therapist. With Love.
Slowly trying to incorporate this advice into my life. I always wanted to fix this problem but never know HOW. Thank you for giving me the tools to solve this. In the past month, my relationships at work are already much better.
Come on, why is the upload timing is so good. I am currently struggling this exact moment right now. I am falling in love again for the first time in the last 7 years of wallowing from my fear of rejections and I'm struggling because I have to also focus on my career (planning to immigrate and will undergo a full reset in life). Debating if I choose to just fuel this emotion as an inspiration and focus all of my energies on my career growth and set boundaries that we can only be friends or embrace this feeling and make an effort to reciprocate her advances and seriously ask her out
I was raised by narcissist, who physically and emotionally abused me and destroyed my self-worth, so now any rejection gives me anxiety and in relationship it's feels like I'm unlovable. I just gave up relationship at this point.
I'm glad I found this video! I started a new job one month ago and constantly felt mentally exhausted after an... actually not very exhausting work day because I was scanning my new co-workers and my boss for little signs of disapproval, dislike or criticism all the time. I finally have a name for it and can put my finger on it. And not only at work, I also realize now why my friendships aren't as fullfilling, or why I react to my boyfriend in invalid ways sometimes. Thank you very much, Dr. K.
My daughter was like this from birth. If anyone else held her besides me, she'd cry and pull to me like I was rejecting her. By the time she was a toddler, if we ever said the word "No" (sternly or calmly), she'd instantly start crying. She's never woken up in the middle of the night to bother us (whereas her brothers do frequently). One time she got sick and threw up on the carpet upstairs. She was so worried about appearing like she made a mistake (at 3!!!), she got toilet paper and tried desperately to clean it up. When that didn't work, she covered it all up with books. When she took her first soccer class at 4, if the moms started laughing about something (their own kids, never her), she would fall to the ground and freeze, refusing to get up and play because she thought they were laughing at her. It's been so heartbreaking to raise someone that is so afraid of being seen as weak, but she's getting stronger with each year. I know how to help her because I was and am the same way! I just hope we can get her to where I am at 35 faster than I got here. Thanks for the video!
4:58 I wonder if there's some element of heredity to this? My mom had a horrible mother and was very rejection sensitive, as am I, as is my daughter. However, me and my daughter were never made to feel like a burden in our homes or that we needed to manage anyone else's emotions.
your daughter sounds alot like younger me lol. Even a simple "No candy" made me bursts into tears, not because i couldn't eat candy but because i took it as a personal rejection towards *me*. Combine with emotional dysregulation they basically had to deal w constant screaming and crying 24/7 (literally)
This is the reason behind why I ghosted many people especially men. I never felt powerful when ghosting people. I did it because I know that to be rejected by somebody is hurtful. I myself is sensitive to rejection because in my life I was rejected a lot. Other form of rejection that I often experienced was people crossed my boundaries or they even lashed out when I said "No". I felt so rejected, I couldn't be my real self around anybody, and I grew with my fear of consequences. I also overreacted in many situations when I felt unsafe. The safest thing I can do is just distancing myself (physically and/or emotionally) from most people. As I am getting older (now 35 y.o.), I become easily irritated by people, especially men.
Another BANGER from Dr. K, I am everything you described in this video and I only recently discovered the concept of emotional maturity and now rejection sensitivity. I've felt a very powerful shift within my own mind ever since learning about how my childhood experiences shaped who I am today, and while I know I still have lots of work to do to become emotionally mature and not as rejection sensitive, I feel more hopeful about my future than I ever have!
This video actually came at a great time bc I have my therapy session today usually. And something we talked about that isn’t part of the video, but I thought people may find helpful, is that some people (like myself) get defensive rather than fawning, because, at least for me, I just got fucking exhausted of apologizing to everyone for everything. I got sick and tired of feeling wrong, so I doubled down on “I’m right, you’re wrong, and now I’m going to prove it to you”. As a caveat my own rejection sensitivity was not primarily caused by my parents, but rather by one extremely bad relationship during my early teen years (which is when most people develop their skills of forming relationships with each other). The more I apologized to them, the more distant they became and I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. And with every relationship after (friends mostly), I got more and more exhausted of blaming myself, so instead I blamed the people around me. Neither of these things are an appropriate reaction. I’ve learned and grown from these experiences, but for people out there who feel like facts 1 and 2 resonate but 3 doesn’t, this might be relevant to your experience.
Thanks for adding that; was looking for it. I rather get devensive too (and offended, in my case. Maybe narcissistic...). But the underlying problem is the same as explained in the video. Do you know of any books, etc. talking about this issue?
Growing up my mother was mentally (and physically ill). "Eggshells" is the perfect description of my childhood. She needed help, and for whatever reason, didn't get it. I have struggled with rejection sensitivity for so much of my life. Inddeed, I fell into a relationship where she started to blame me for everything, and I believed her. I did get out, but that relationship damaged me pretty hard. Now I see that my wife struggles with this. But luckily, she doesn't pull away from me, but from friends and the outside world. Even the slightest whiff of disapproval from someone, no matter how benign, just sets her off for the whole day. I will be sharing this video with her.
This makes so much sense for me. I grew up with narcissistic parents, and I learn how to dissapear from reality so easily and I get used to avoid problems just withdrawing. I always blamed myself because no one told me its a survival mechanism that should be re-learned and how to re-learn it, I only thought about myself I'm lazy and a coward. Now it brought me the level of problems I don't know how to deal with, because I had withdrawn from my friends for years and still think they won't forgive me for that I abandon them. I also always thought how is it possible that my personality traits contradicts to each other. I can easily organize myself, follow schedule, don't miss deadlines etc., but sometimes I gave up for no reason. It's scary to accept that I just learned that somewhere in childhood that "better do not try and dissapear, to not bother others and you bring only problems". It's self distracting behaviour which can bring thoughts about ending life at all.
I really resonate with the conflict emerging from the seemingly contradicting personality traits that you pointed out. Whenever I have a negative episode in which I withdraw, I always wonder how I could be mostly hardworking and conscientious but at times completely drop the ball and disappear. I don't properly trust myself because of this and I realize now that this affects all my relationships as I'm always anticipating that I'll disappoint someone eventually in a big way.
YOH WHAT i think this explains how yea I could be organized so much But then suddenly give up and "disappear" I feel like it is linked to feeling negative and its a coping mechanism I learned somewhere in my childhood
This changed my life. As someone who is always willing the learn and learns a lot of stuff on the internet this is one of the best gems I’ve ever come across thank you so much.
I was hoping this would cover things like job applications, or asking people out; like how there are people who are *way* better at handling that type of rejection than I am. The whole advice of “you just need to get rejected 10,000 times and then you’ll be used to it,” never seemed to work for me. One rejection like that will send me into a depression for weeks! EDIT: I should clarify that I’m not particularly invested in the dating part of my example; I’ve been married for years. What I was trying to talk about was the whole “making yourself emotionally vulnerable” type of rejection scenario. As a composer, I’ve had an extremely difficult time putting my work out for open calls, because the emotional cost of being rejected felt like it was way more to me than it was for my peers. I wasn’t ever able to shrug it off like they were, and would dwell on it for much longer. It sort of ended with me leaving the field because I just wasn’t equipped to put my ego in front of a buzzsaw over and over again every day; I was hoping the video had some kind of explanation/method of coping.
From experience, I agree, getting more rejections don’t actually make it easier to be rejected, it just starts to hurt in different ways. There’s no “one size fits all” answer for “getting over” rejection sensitivity, but I do know that having a support system like friends or family or a therapist helps a lot to work through it. Having a space to be “allowed” to feel upset about rejection is what has helped me face it. I still feel terrible when I’m rejected, such as from jobs or internships. But it no longer harms me by sticking with me for weeks and weeks. Finding a way to feel the full range of emotions without letting it harm the rest of your life is important.
So I'm just a random internet person, so don't take my conclusions as fact; But if I understand correctly it seems that what you're talking about is slightly different than what is being talked about in the video. From my perspective the video is about certain behaviors when socializing. Yet it seems you have a genuine fear of approaching people in the first place. I'm not sure if my experience will carry over, but what has worked for me is to try to maximize confidence while minimizing my perceived risk. I will push myself to periodically take a very small step, no matter how small (even this comment suffices), then focus on that step in order to maximize appreciation. I've found that by doing that I can get a lot of the benefits from making progress, while having to put in the least amount of effort. I believe meditation and mindfulness will work very well with this strategy, but I haven't tried it for myself yet.
Thank you for explaining this in layman's term, less technical/clinical jargon, in a way that a common person will understand. I am glad RUclips let me discover you so now I have an idea of what I am going through. In fact, ticks the boxes about my childhood, and default reaction to rejection or what seems to be rejection. I am now your new subscriber (04/2024).👍👍
I *really* struggle with rejection sensitivity, and have spent my life since childhood learning to read people's emotions and intentions... but I didn't have a bad family growing up! I can't think of any specific people I needed to be careful around as a child... it was just "people in general" that I wanted to learn to please... no idea why. So I relate to all of this, except for where it comes from. Weird!
@rosie I'm waiting to be assessed for autism spectrum disorder, so yeah it totally could stem just from how autistic brains process other people's emotions differently!
You should look at Patrick Teahan's youtube channel I'm sure it'll help you❤. There's something called tricky families where abuse and neglect aren't obvious but still happened. When people recall life with tricky families they believe they weren't traumatized until they engage with their childhood through the lense of a childhood trauma therapist. Also, most people dont remember their childhoods. Patrick has been a wonderful help for me to piece together what happened to me in childhood
@@oggyboggy8692 ooh that feels like it might be true, yeah - I did struggle with getting other kids to like me at first, until I learned to read them better
I vouch for the stalling strategy. Nothing better than just chilling. Feels amazing knowing I'm not consciously contributing to a worsened state of panic. I'm just chilling, and also not making it anyone else's problem.
I have rejection sensitivity hardcore, I'm a full grown adult but have lots of trouble dealing with it. I get anxiety thinking my RSD is screwing up my life in ways I can't fix, long or short term. I also don't really have a lot of money so I can't pay for alot, so I have to do this on my own. Even texting a close friend straight up gives me bad anxiety cause I don't want to piss them off even if I know logically they'll probably think, "Oh, it's Hollywood"(my nickname lol). The struggle in my head is real. Low to no self esteem and I seem to be much better at helping other people dealing with this than I am with my own RSD. I just want out of the loop of hurt.
Not that medication is a silver bullet, but I have found a noticeable improvement with it, to the point where I am able to challenge it and better manage it. Not sure what the guidelines are for talking about specific medications in this context, but I think there are only two main ones that may help RSD according to the current research.
I just learned something new about me with this video, thanks Dr.K. I only wished that I could have seem this video a month ago, it would have avoided some problems that happened in the last weeks, well, can't do much about that now...
This helps me a lot thanks Dr. K! I used to think I had to stay invisible because women in society are supposed to be docile, get along with the group etc but it actually started because my mom has depression and I never wanted her to be upset by anything I said or did and my dad just hated kids entirely and only wanted to know adults who are "functional" ie not children who are learning and growing up to try and be that way eventually so I pretty much avoided people til middle school when the environment was fun and you could goof around a little before high school classes. In my 20s, it came swooping back though. Hopefully I can relax a little around people before my 40th bday in 3 years!~
Wow. This is something I've totally forgotten I have. I have social anxiety and as Dr.K was talking, I realized that rejection is a major part of it. Hell, it's probably THE reason. Thank you for this Doc.
Dr K you know exactly how I feel and then you make a video about that. I am lucky that I have an amazing romantic relationship, but I really struggle with work relationships. And friendships sometimes..
Dude, your content is so incredibly helpful. There are lots of self-help gurus on youtube, therapists, etc, but your videos have a certain quality about them that makes them unique. You're really doing great work and making a difference. Thank you so much, Doc.
The first time I heard the term Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was in connection with ADHD, and then again later with autism. For ADHD, it’s one of the few pretty much universal symptoms, due to a combination of emotional dysregulation and impulsivity (Olympic level conclusion jumping) and the negative life experiences that come with being different and being punished for it, by caregivers and society. It’s further compounded by the nearly universal childhood trauma that comes with this constant actual rejection, which reinforces our brain’s tendency to recognize and respond to those patterns of disapproval and rejection from others, as we’re already at a disadvantage when it comes to social situations for a whole spectrum (ha) of reasons, and thus more likely to trigger disapproval in the first place. Our disproportionately high rates of bullying and abuse victimization are no coincidence. RSD lights up the brain the same way physical pain does, sometimes even at just the *thought* that rejection is looming, apart from any actual evidence of it yet, making us even more prone to reacting in ways that become that self-fulfilling prophecy. Even in very stable, loving, healthy families, the outside world is more than capable of inflicting and enforcing this condition on us neurospicy folks, and it’s so important for everyone to be aware of this, so we can learn to recognize it in ourselves and others and put out the fires in our relationships before they spiral out of control. Understanding and empathy are key to healthy relationships, even more so when RSD is involved. ETA: This hypervigilance and misreading of others’ social cues is also especially difficult for ADHD and autistic folks because of our additional struggles in social interactions, making it even more stressful and difficult to read others due to our own baseline differences in social communication to begin with, and especially for ADHD, the compounding effects of inattention making us miss things altogether.
Trust Dr K to speak straight out of the heart of insecure young men like myself Feeling like you have all this love to give but always holding yourself back because you’re afraid of how others will perceive you has been really crippling in my adult life It’s truly amazing how in a 20 minute video he can give an explanation to the causes and useful advice to help progress away from the self-loathing and self-doubt Thank you for all you do Dr K and keep up the good work
this is so close to home it kinda feels awkward. the only thing that worries me is maybe that rejection sensitivity came from external environments, not from home (school, kindergarten, playground), but idk if that's even possible. even while writing this i'm thinking 'what they're gonna think about me and about my english?' . i'm picky with my words and phrases and this is so, soo tiring thanks for the tips, dr k! i'll definitely keep them in mind
I feel weird because i never thought my parents were abusive in any way, but my dad did compare me and my siblings to other kids often, and was just really hard to impress or get approval from. Sometimes he would yell at us for doing stupid things, or having no common sense (though there’s no way i could have known some things without someone teaching me in the first place). Then my mom was an angel, just the complete opposite, and so I’m confused as to how i ended up with severe rejection therapy. I’m actively avoidant of some people because I’m afraid things will go bad, and now it’s been a month since i’ve spoken with them, I don’t want that, in fact i want to have a great relationship with them. I just felt like speaking this out into the world for some reason so if you read this thanks and have a good day man
This is pretty much my experience summed up perfectly, I was constantly on the alert to try and stop my Dad flying into a rage at me for the tiniest things. Slowly healing in therapy and learning I don’t have to walk eggshells around people
So I feel like a lot of these challenges apply to me. I don't remember my household being that chaotic as a child, but there are some things that mightve contribute to creating my tendency to always worry that I've upset someone. Although after being diagnosed autistic in my 40s, I'm able to see how often I'm misinterpreting information/ situations. And ALL of my romantic relationships I've wondered "am I in trouble?" A lot; doing my best and not understanding why/how I've upset them
The toxic relationships that create this mental programming really are the worst. It isn't just upbringing; bad intimate relationships can create this adaptation too.
True. And there are two commonly extreme reactions. One being overapologetic and appeasing. And another reaction where there is defensive anger. Both extremes are unhelpful and harmful. Like he said, the pause.. Is key. Time to move out of the activated emotional body and into a calm rational emotionally regulated response instead of the toxic quick reaction.
It's a weird thing. After countless years of always being highly sensitive to criticism and such, now I'm actually starting to enjoy experiences where I'm put out of my comfort zone. It makes me feel alive. Yeah, I've had a boring life.
My daughter has been diagnosed with ASD and probably has ADHD, and she suffers from Rejection Sensitivity to the point where she was self harming to cope with the emotional pain. She takes medication, which helps take the edge off her anxiety and has stopped the self harm. She read about RS a few years ago and recognised it in herself, but health workers we have spoken to just reject this as a thing. It is very difficult for people with autism because they experience so much rejection. I had a unhappy childhood, my parents rejected me and my mother would fly into rages, which I didn't understand, so I definitely developed a sensitivity to rejection. Therapy never really helped me, but meditation did and has transformed my life.
@@Dimitris_Half not true. It happens all the time that people spark interest in others without actively asking for it. It is, they get accepted without asking people out.
I experience rejection sensitivity every day. If I look back, there's a ton of memories of me not being good enough for someone to want to listen to me or be with me. Nowadays, I think it's a little better. I'm 24 years old but whenever I'm somewhere, even with my family, and I'm looking at the group and they are not making eye contact with me, I just feel like absolute shit. I really am glad to have discovered this channel so I can keep on putting myself where I can get better with people who want to engage with me, and meditating like I used to do Good luck to you all, you're not alone even though it sometimes feels like you're the only ones going through it. ❤
Thinking on my rejection sensitivity, it's hard when your parental figures were often vacant. But when they were around, I did feel reprimanded for the smallest things. Also relatives commenting on my looks as I was growing older, I'm not sure if the self-esteem stuff goes into it. Definitely sensitive to when others were unhappy, and neutral stimuli like a read message felt so harsh to me. I found a group of people I exercised with in a group class, everyone was older than me but they didn't comment overly positively or negatively when I was around. I realized I really liked being a “fixture” at parties where I could leave and enter conversations or just listen. I remember that I didn't want to be seen at all, and didn't make advancements or withdraw, I tried to just be in the room(I'm usually overly social or I would not attend events). I found the healthy middle naturally, I admire hearing that being neutral is really the way to give us the better data points. By default I don't see relationships as optional, and if they were ruined, it was my fault. Still feel it a little bit, but the more I notice what is my fault and what isn't, the more I see clearly every situation. It's nice...
![Twenty One Pilots - The Line (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Audio]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/XCz7WUotXs8/mqdefault.jpg)
Literally, last night, i was with 3 friends. We wanted to watch a movie, so we voted. It was tied 2-2, and I pushed for the movie I voted for. We started watching that movie, and I immediately thought the other 2 friends were angry at me for 'winning' the movie choice unfairly. I'm 28 years old.
A coinflip would have solved the problem.
I totally get this.
I can likely think of a million similar examples. I'd feel rotten (guilty?) if I was bowling better than my friends. If I finally won a hand at poker. If I got an "A" and other classmates didn't... I can take not getting a job I applied for - brush off and carry on. But if I'm at work and get constructive criticism, I take it like a smiling grown-up, but inside I'm in a hot, heart-racing death spiral and ruminate about it for days.
This is extremely relatable
Definitely relatable. Don’t let it bother you.^^
As someone who grew up the scapegoat in a narcissistic household, I want to personally encourage anyone struggling with rejection, self worth, and in general to give meditation a try. I started 2 years ago with practices I learned on this channel and now, despite taking a long time, I think it was the single greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. It feels like a space that I have built for myself mentally that I can always go to, regardless of a good or bad day, and know that I’m safe and that anyone else’s judgement doesn’t matter. Thank you Dr. K and Healthy Gamer!
Which meditation practices work the best for you? I can't decide which one to try out first
@@blaulin when I started, I went through this channel’s playlist on meditation and tried all of them out and found that I work best with mantra meditations or any meditation that requires focused attention (something like mindful breathing or sound meditations). The one piece of advice I have for anyone starting meditation is to set an intention for every meditation session you have, whether it’s for calming your mind or simply just to enjoy the art of meditation. I would recommend starting with any of the videos in the meditation playlist on this channel, they are all good and diverse so you can get a feel on what types of practices work for you best. Good luck!
❤
@@magi4020 thank you so much
❤
I remember telling my mom about how sensitive I am about going out with people because of being rejected. She then told me I had too much of an ego. I'm happy RUclipsrs like yourself exist to bring our hopes up.
She's not wrong. Most fears come from being equipped with an overprotective ego. Ego is not a negative tool to possess. We all have one and need one. We just have to practice how to balance it well and reassure our ego that we will be fine shall these situations it fears rise.
You do.
You're right, that doesn't sound like a helpful response from your mother.
@@FeliciationsI wonder, would you say the same to a small child cowering in a corner afraid to be beaten within an inch of their life because they made themselves a bowl of cereal in the morning?
Like sunbeam said, she isn't wrong - but its not the whole story and was told uncompassionately and is thus more hurtful than helpful.
What I'd add is that social anxieties are inherently self-centered. The person that is anxious about how people perceive them actually does end up becoming self-obsessed/absorbed. It actually is a personality trait that others can pick up on and be rubbed off by - though they will not necessarily know in all cases that this self absorption is due to this sensitivity. Grandiose narcissists are self-absorbed in their own way because of their own internal vacuousness and insecurity.
In y(our) case, the key, that I think you also gleaned from this video, is that we can have compassion for ourselves and how we have come to be. Yes, I actually am self-absorbed, and I'd like not to be - because I think you guys are great and you are my friends and I want to be present with you and have a good time without thinking about myself. So it is okay to feel compassion about yourself having become this way, and this way of thinking can be undone with this understanding and compassion. We got this.
This dude just has a way. Like, he just narrows in on what I feel and does it in a way that’s so casual and matter-of-fact that it really does feel like, “ah, yes! Rejection sensitivity is a really hard thing a lot of people go through and it’s totally something you can fix.”
Watching this made me realize that rejection sensitivity has been the singular guiding force for nearly every decision I have ever made. Thank you Dr. K, for helping me put the pieces together.
Watching this comments - tells me that this is spot on topic and this guy is expert. He knows his stuff.
@@ranc1977 100%. He's illuminated topics that I had no idea were a problem to begin with
@@connorpeppermint8635 He taught me concept of unfair Power Dynamics.
Literally 90 percent of you tube videos have no idea that this exists.
Very rare YT channels acknowledge external factor - such as Doctor Ramani, Doctor Snipes, Lisa Romano.
@@ranc1977 he taught me about maladaptive day dreaming and how "shower thoughts" are a phenomenon brought on by a busy world that doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day.
Both of these ideas are a contributor to my lack of emotional regulation
@@connorpeppermint8635 "doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day"
Yeah,
Doctor Snipes talked about similar process - inability to process stimuli and sensory gate being flooded with information. Which is similar to those with autism and ADHD.
Whenever I ran across such useful concepts I make videos about them and place it in Psychology sections videos,
Check it out.
The more education we have, the less misdiagnosis there will be.
I grew up with narcissistic self-victimising parent who would criticise anything but perfection. It's really hard to live with a person like that because no matter how hard you try they will do everything in their power to make you feel bad while saying that they're trying to help you.
EDIT: Fixed some errors in the comment.
I can completely relate, it's emotionally exhausting
I feel you.
I get that feeling (from the 2nd person pov) that when someone is better than you, you feel attacked, thus try to "correct" them in every detail possible according to what you want them to be, disguised with the saying "this is for your own good" when in reality it's for your own insecurities.
Come on, you know perfection garnered criticism as well.
Love that way of phrasing exactly how my abusive parent was.
I'm autistic, and I basically learned from the world that no matter what I do, people just don't like me. I'm constantly on edge and anticipating rejection because it happens so frequently. The feeling is that the entire world just hates me. It's unbelievably isolating.
The world is wrong, and you are right.
And it feels like no one is gonna love you because you keep being abandoned?
people might just not understand you, but it doesnt mean they hate you. its hard but please dont shut the world out. you have too much to offer! ♥
I haven't been diagnosed, but this is how I feel. Just feeling like there's something already inherently wrong with me so I always expect rejection. And when I am actually rejected it hurts 10x worse
Damin I feel the same feeling
I swear, this channel is like a crystal clear mirror to every dynamic that’s been keeping me imprisoned within myself
Best way I’ve seen it described
@@samc3567 the timing of this notification bringing back the video to attention right now is impeccable 🤯
I grew up being constantly told that I was doing something wrong because my mother was insecure and lacked empathy, so now I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. I'm doing something wrong at every minutes of the day. I remember being 10 years old and constantly feeling like there's something wrong in everything I say, so I started to overly think about what to say to my friends and developped social anxiety
I relate to that. I feel like I just don't understand how to say the right things, and there is always something weird in what I say
yea
@@mokie7421 yee
I know exactly how this feels 😢 You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤
@@unionunicorn6776 im trying to figure out how to fix it. I'm tired of being insecure
I have ADHD and I felt like you were describing many of the thoughts I wrestle with in my head. I have somehow managed not to actually act on the feelings so that other people don’t notice, but I can feel the internal toll they take on my happiness.
My assessment of where I stand with coworkers and in relationships oscillates between “things are great, they would have a tough time replacing me” (very rare) and “things are beyond repair, start mentally preparing for all your stability to vanish, because you have one to many things wrong with you for any partner or employer to find you worth the headache”
My girlfriend will sometimes even find it funny how black and white my thinking can be in even minor areas of life. From the time I was a kid, my brain seems to have two states. Working perfectly, or failing completely.
Grew up with emotionally abusive parents and became a people pleaser to avoid angering them. Once I got kicked out of my family, I learned being a people pleaser at the expense of my own mental health is not the right thing to do.
I still find myself people pleasing and being overly self-critical every now and then from years of conditioning from my parents and past narcissistic relationships. But I've learned with much difficulty how to reign back those tendencies to a certain degree. Still working on it though
How are you dealing with it?
same bruh. Keep struggling, we got this
you are already a king for that
This happened to me in the workplace. I was called mysterious, hard to get to know, and disengaged, isolating. It has been heartbreaking.
Somebody at my job thought I was a mute. I laughed at it because I came to work for a check, not friends lol
How did you deal with these accusations at work?
I told my coworker that I was losing my voice the other day... He said "well it's not like you have much to say anyways" ouch.
The other day I got confronted with the fact I just told too much about myself to a specific person in my work environment. All I can tell you is if you like someone at work personally, talk to them, get closer, tell personal stuff. Do not just go to work and tell everybody about whatever is happening in your private life...
One of my friends used to constantly apologize about things that weren't their fault, and looking back, I can see the dots connecting between your talking points and what my friend has gone through. I ended up staying with them and taught them that not everything is their fault, and somewhat getting above the high rejection sensitivity. They're in a much better place than they used to be in this aspect now, and I'm glad I was able to help another person break out of this cycle
I think it's really cool that you saw this pattern in your friend and did something to help. Thanks for sharing ❤️
Very common to have rejection sensivitity with neurodivergence as well. Very few professionals know how to deal with that sadly.
Very good point. I made a response to Klaudia above re: energetic therapy. It's a shame that it's not more widespread or known about.
@@rejectionisprotection4448What’s energetic therapy?
Feels like your world falls apart, hope it gets better, I know it sucks a lot!
I wonder how much of my neurodivergence is just a result of my PTSD of being abused, which led to my rejection sensitivity/body dysmorphia/people-pleasing traits...It all seems circular/unclear what came first, or how much neurodivergence even exists--and how much of it is just trauma/PTSD/rejection sensitivity
🎯
Yet again, when the student is ready the teacher appears. Blessings to you, and warm wishes to all.
For me, I developed severe rejection sensitivity because of both my home life and my school and social experiences. I've made progress, and feel like I'm continuing to make progress, and Dr. K's advice resonated strongly with some things that have helped me. Journaling and developing self-awareness around my anxious expectation has allowed me to detach from it, or at least certainly not let it always dictate my actions - same thing with the "stall" tactic - often if I just pushed myself to wait a bit rather than sending another text or email, the person would then respond and show me that, look, see, they weren't mad at me after all. Also, very much agree with what he said about "creating a new set of data" for the brain - after more neutral interactions that don't lead the way you fear, you begin to no longer slant them so negatively in your mind, and you also begin to associate interaction with many possibilities, not just the outcome of being rejected. Finally, developing close trusting relationships can show you that people can be trusted and safe, and therefore people's reactions have more to do with who THEY are as people, instead of some kind of inherent negative feature in YOU. Great video and topic.
THANK YOU SO MUCH DR. K ❤ Today, I told my girlfriend that the reason Ive had so much anxiety with the relationship is cos of my rejection sensitivity.
We had a nice heart-to-heart about everything and she actually came out and made the first move and told ME that she loves me 😢 I've wanted to tell her for months but I've been too scared cos rejection and abandonment scares me.
Seriously, I cannot thank you enough, Dr. K. You have helped me understand my issues better than any therapist or counsellor I've had. You are actually a hero man ❤
somewhere along the way my rejection sensitivity and hyper-vigilance became extremely irrational; it’s to the point where i’m *constantly* trying to piece why someone may dislike me - even before they get to know me. i often worry about how awkward or annoying i’ll be. or how i’ll inevitably mess up and then they may never want to be my friend or meet me again. even with my close relationships, i’m constantly searching for an “off” tone/expression or a joke that maybe came off a little too harsh; to then conclude that they must hate me and will leave soon. if i’m not worrying about any specific situation or event, then i worry if i speak to them, they’ll get annoyed because my mere presence is just that much of a burden. but then if i speak less i become boring and awkward and they’ll *still* eventually leave.
i’m scared to tell anyone about these insecurities because of the rejection too.
Same and it’s so hard to be afraid of rejection while shaming yourself for it.
Thinking about how people may become annoyed or reject you before anything even happens is super taxing mentally too, hope we can deal with this:)
I'm the same as you bro, the moment I see a person break eye contact quickly, I start overthinking and creating infinite solutions on why they could hate me or have a crush on me both of which are only food for anxiety
Bruh same, Im glad i didnt tell anyone tho, cuz i dont think normies would be able to help unlike psychologists or like dr K
One of the best RSD explanations I’ve watched thus far. Well done! Thank you!
Recently, after sharing about my insecurities I have had a few friends reflect it back to me with disapproval vibes, which resulted in me going deeper into hiding.They were trying to offer simple solution such as 'don't worry what they think/you worry too much what other people think'. They were not ill-intended and were only frustrated that I was in there eyes hurting needlessly. Even when I consciously and logically understand I am not being rejected it still is so dysregulating and painful. I guess because of the hyper-vigilant/almost extra-sensory perception. And how the message of them appearing frustrated gets priority in my brain/nervous system over 'they are trying to help'.
Writing this in tears and just want to say thank you, this video makes so much sense to me. During all of my childhood and early adult life (29 atm) I've lived with rejection sensitivity and have had difficulties forming relations (friends and/or otherwise). Around christmas 2022 I started meditating, taking walks, working out at home at a very light level cause I wanted to start moving my body more. As of writing this (march 13) I've already seen a pretty substantial improvement in how I interact with people and the funny thing is I didn't even know why that was. It just felt so much more natural somehow, and seeing this video just gave me confirmation I'm finally moving in the right direction.
So for me personally, starting with meditation was the way to go, as that made it easier to become your own observer, and not overreacting since you're approaching it from a more collected standpoint mentally.
This video is gold and this man spits some real truth here, it's honestly a game changer.
This is one of my struggles. Weirdly, I've been able to help myself out by faking it until I make it. If I'm ever scared or anxious about a potential rejection, I can take a deep breath and say "it's okay if I get rejected" and that'll usually be good enough to carry me through.
You are strong
Good brave job!
I did that as well. Worked wonders for me. One step at a time, till eventually I could find evidence of my negative thoughts being bs.
W attitude
It’s really nice to hear someone validate - and break down - our complicated emotions. I have had so many people get mad at me for taking things personally, or even just for having a moment of anxiety
“You’re not entitled to closure, stop whining! You feeling these emotions at all is selfish!” Always making me feel ashamed for my traumas
Ironically, letting me feel my emotions helps me improve
Just got diagnosed with ADHD and this accompanied it, I’m grateful to come across this video with all these people sharing their experience with RSD - it genuinely ruined some of the best friendships I had(I say best but more like long lasting).
The part where Dr k. Talks about ready perception really hits home for me it's one of my biggest issues. When I get a neutral response from someone I almost always assume the worst and assume that the person hates me or dislikes me I think once I finish uni this year and start making an income again I'm gonna see a therapist and bring up these specific issues. Thanks Dr K.
I hate the fact that I grew up in a home, where i was walking on egg shels(when it comes to my dad)
But at the same time, it made me a more introspective person moving forward in life
This was living at my childhood house. The tension was *so* thick, you could cut it with a knife. Mom would always say, “Don’t tell Dad (fill in the blank), or he’ll blow up.” I also had to be extra careful what I said to my teen older brother, or his bpd self turned 180° on a dime and blew up too-even if he was smiling literally *seconds* ago. Inevitably, someone was always blowing up in that ridiculously volatile environment regardless of how careful we were, and I would often feel somehow responsible for it even though I was only a small child. Mom sometimes openly blamed me. I even got screamed at like a drill sergeant once by my brother, who was 11 years older and 3x my size, for something I don’t remember, “YOU CAUSE ARGUMENTS (my name)!!!!!!!!” **cue in stunned, 7-year-old girl tears**
I carried my learned rejection sensitivity into school, where relentless bullying from classmates who sensed my vulnerability made it much, **much** worse. Feeling totally helpless from being unable to connect with anyone, my avoidance and *hurt* added an extra defensive layer of sharp hostility towards others. It was like my ego made this new layer as a weird, last-ditch effort to tell me I was worth something without needing to reach the “unattainable” goal of being accepted by my peers after completely giving up.
Fast forward to work now-I’m a people pleaser who is too scared to ask for help, finds looking anyone in the eye difficult, will only sit alone for lunch, and treats fellow employees as meddling npcs who only exist to make me uncomfortable (not proud of it, I know it’s untrue and my inner alarm is overly sensitive). When I get called to my boss, I think “Oh, f_ck!! What did I do wrong *this* time?” instead of “Oh, he’s just giving me something else to do.” When I actually do screw up, all manner of horrible names are involuntarily unleashed on myself (f_cking moron, sad sack, dumbass, waste of skin, useless, pathetic idiot, etc.) and it’s all I can do to stop a litany of apologies and excuses from pouring out of my mouth to my coworkers. When I do things right, enter good ol’ imposter syndrome.
I’m trying to get over everything, wear a smile on my face, and stop this BS, as it’s no longer in my best interest to be on high alert and push others away. However, no matter how I act, people *still* see right through me and comment on how quiet and nervous I am…
Damn humans.
Edits: Added a few more relatable things that could be helpful to someone. Shit, I need to get off these boards and start a diary…lol.
Dude!! that's my story word to word.
@@shivakrishna1743 You have my sympathy.^^
@@richerDiLefto Thanks! Let's hope we overcome it soon.
ahh that last part "no matter how i act, people still see right through me" i felt that so hard. i think it's just a journey and process until these new perspectives feel, and come off as genuine. thanks for your words!
@@mouse9831 On behalf of all quiet people, please for the love of God stop remarking on the fact that we are quiet. All it does is stress us the fuck out. Just let us be, okay?
This is the first time I've heard the term "rejection sensitivity" but it definitely reflects how I've navigated the majority of my relationships in life, whether it's family, friends, school, work. You name it. It's tough because I do constantly feel that I'm walking on eggshells.
I can almost certainly say my parents caused this through years of overreacting to benign things. My earliest memory was being a kid and telling my mom I didn't like football (the American kind) as much as I liked basketball, baseball, and even bowling. Her reaction was to say she was "disappointed" that I didn't like football.
Why I didn't like it as a kid is because my parents would constantly be screaming at the TV whenever the game was on, and if their teams lost, they were in a bad mood for the rest of the day and i was basically left to deal with that emotional baggage.
As you mentioned earlier in the video, football games soon became associated with a stressful event, where my parents might get angry. Rather than being able to enjoy the game, I felt that I was just hoping the team would win as a survival mechanism. As I got into my teen years, I developed other hobbies like video games because I just didn't even want to be in the room when the game was going on. I like football now though I don't have a very strong emotional attachment to the sport.
I've also inadvertently been working to improve on this. The biggest thing I've done to help with this is to try to change my mindset about it.
The mindset I used to have was that i should be responsible for catering to everyone else's feelings. The internal dialogue very much was that I shouldn't be pissing people off, and if there's an issue in the relationship, I need to be the one to make concessions for the sake of the friendship. This is a terrible mindset because you end up conceding on way too much stuff and lose sight of the person that you are.
Honestly, I've started looking at it as "well I get pissed off by people all the time, and they don't seem to be willing to make concessions for me" and now I incorporate that mindset more whenever people think it's okay to blatantly disregard my feelings.
As a 38 years undiagnosed ADHD I've ended up realising I was living in a delusion (or even a psychosis) of imagining everyone judging me and thinking about me but I thought it was more of a psychological problem or trauma
YUUUUP!
I feel ya! I lost everyone from thinking this way. I'm sad for myself.
@@peterfusinski4102 ADHD can be nasty, underrated actually
Feel you
Dr.K just read the fuck outta me. But I’m honestly very grateful for it. Here’s to being becoming a more secure and healthy individual! Thank you!!!
This video made me realise that my problem is not that I don't blame myself enough but that I blame myself all the time. 😅 And the solution is not to blame myself even more, but to blame myself less. Thank you Dr. K
Just the other day, I forced myself to not react to the cues I’ve trained myself to respond and shut down on at parties. *I sit down, someone stands up, someone is more interested in someone else’s attention than my own* and it was quite enlightening. I liked when he said giving your brain new data because that was my only objective. It made the pressure of expectation less daunting on me. I think instead of having what others have as a chameleon, that on this track I’ll have something to call my own and share one day.
So I guess I’ve got rejection sensitivity, I can tell whether my dad is in a bad mood by the sound of him coming inside from work.
@@Dimitris_Half well at least you aren’t alone, it felt like he was reading my mind when he said all the thoughts someone with rejection sensitivity goes through in day to day interactions.
That's exactly my life but in my case is my mom
Saaame
I can relate. I could also anticipate my mom's mood based on the sound she made going up the stairs towards our flat. It is insane.
I cant wait to watch this later. The title almost made me cry because it hits home so well and I didn’t even know there was a term for it.
Mindfulness helped me lean into the rejection, in a way accept it as not a good or bad thing, just a thing. The book "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels helped.
Fear of rejection is rejecting ones importance in life. Have learnt a lot from this video. I have suffered from rejection sensivity disorder all my life. Never knew it was from my childhood experiences.
I am Autistic, ADHD, PTSD and more disorders. Highly intelligent and working on living with my disorders.
Had to listen to this.
I am so sensitive to rejection that everytime I got declined for a job apllication (without ever having been interviewed) I would bawl my eyes out for not being good enough. Thankfully I no longer have to deal with that because I have a job; I still fret over my mistakes so yes the "am i going to get fired, is everyone going to hate me?" is accurate.
I can’t reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit, so I always end up ghosting people in shitty and confusing ways.
That makes it worse but I just can’t face my fear. To be rejected and to reject others is so damn hard, and that stops me a lot from building new relationships that I want.
the first sentence should be corrected to: "I can't reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit so I reject them"
I get ghosted a lot. So I learned to just ghost / reject everyone when I feel just a bit of rejection. Because when I reject first I can't get rejected anymore ... you'll get the point ;) super dumb. But also ... everybody hates me
anyways and I learned to live my lonely pathetic life where everything always gets worse every day. Life sucks and then you die.
Ghosting is sometimes way worse than rejection. At least with rejection you get some form of closure.
Ghosting someone in a shitty way is 10x worse than a straight up honest rejection.
Thank you for the honest comment. Really bring understanding for those being ghosted in confusing ways haha. But then again, if we're being honest, it's also our own fear of rejection that get triggered when ghosted. I've learnt to not be affected by ghosting anymore, I know it's a maladaptive defence mechanism, that when people know how to function better they do better and just feel some empathy for the person doing so now and peace for myself.
@SecretXBL How do you ghost in non-shitty way? When will you know if you ghost in a way that is shitty?
This explains a lot. I behave with women I am interested in and friends the same way I had to behave with my dad as a child or teen. I always felt like walking on eggshells and I was hypersensitive to his unpredictable moods.
You can’t control what people think of you nor how they’ll respond to you, but you can control your attitude 😎 don’t sweat the small stuff
As i was watching this i felt so much pain, bc i started looking back at all the times i displayed this kind of behaviour, and realize all the potential and actual relationships i’ve screwed up…also knowing where it comes from is so frustrating, bc there’s nothing you can do about the past now. Hopefully dr. K’s tips will lead to an improvement over time..
Although i grew up with rejection sensativity, which i will be very vague about considering the video, i am proud with myself. I am only 19 and yet ive identified these behaviors (hyper emotion, being invisible, noticing immediate negative stimuli in household, social interaction difficulty, etc). I am commenting on how I am proud of myself because i'd like readers to know that he's 100% right, and ive lived it to say he is! For example: I identified these behaviors, instinctively found his answers in my own experience, and daily enforce safety systems!! He is 100% right on the neutral stimulus, and im so proud that i was able to find the right answers in my own way. I meditate, i let neutrality in my life, and i now can dim my emotions and think rationally when interacting. I thoroughly hope everyone can recover as i have on my own. Many thanks for anyone reading and i hope myself, and the video, escalates your growth!!
The best advice I got was giving other people the opportunity to like me for me. I used to adapt my behaviour and mannerisms to make everyone around me comfortable. I got depressed because I felt like no one knew me. I was lonely.
I was not severely rejection sensitive to others, but I was to myself. I think that was because when I was harder on myself than my mother, she knew she didn’t need to express her disappointment for my behaviour to change.
But I realised in uni that if I wanted someone to know me, I had to let them know me and not just the part of me that best suited them. I was anxious about it at first, but if I gave them the opportunity to know me and they still stayed around, it was so much easier to relax into myself.
When rejection is all you ever know, & you come to a moment of horrific clarity & you realize it's all you'll ever know?
1) that'll drive anyone mad
&
2) it speaks volumes about society. Absolutely none of it good.
i grew up with amazing and supportive and very loving parents, but in grade school to middle school, I was constantly bullied for anything and everything I did almost, which caused me to walk on eggshells constantly in high school. Thankfully CBT really helped me to counter the immediate negative thoughts I had in social situations specifically.
I rejected myself last week with your last video about friendzone. Was a great decision , it went well.
First comment pog
I'm looking into learning how to meet people. Right now i'm in college and i'm not doing anything new, not meeting anyone
What???
@@OMAR-vk9pi maybe not the best way to say it . I mean i talked to the about it and i knew they didnt like me before.
@@crokeyza-team7257 my honest advice is to join clubs and school activities, and actually engage with them. And if you go to a club based on your interest, you have something to talk about. And if hey organize hangouts later on, make an effort to go because it comes across as you being open and willing to spend time with the group which grows a friendship.
I'm an introverted person who kinda sucks at social interactions and cues, but I did make a rule for myself to make friends after covid, so I joined my school's queer club, chess club and a black association club. I met others through preexisting friends. And sometimes I muster up the courage to tell people they look nice or their hair's petty or something, and some start to recognize me from it. It gets so overwhelming sometimes when so many people know me but I met my goal at least😭
I hope you'll cover rejection sensitivity over the job/career searching process next. The initial job application stage is absolutely mortifying. I often can't get past this first step because the fear of rejection is so intense.
I've been putting off looking for a job at 21 since I've never done it before. But Im running out of time. My moms the one keeping the apartment afloat by herself with me and my younger brother. I can't be a neet my whole life and not prepare for the future that my mom risked her life to make for me. I just can't shake the fear of rejection and looking like an idiot who dosen't know what hes doing. I'll break down at the slightest inconvenience. I have to before its too late.
@@mokie7421 I hope it doesn't come out as something bad, but... try to think that you're doing this for yourself, first. If you've ever been on a plane, you've probably noticed that the safety instructions tell you that, before trying to help anyone else with the masks or whatever, you have to make sure you've helped yourself first. I know you must be grateful for everything your mom did for you and you probably feel like you have to pay that back. I don't know what 'too late' means, but it looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and that prevents you from doing anything. It's a normal response of the brain when faced with pressure. Fight, flight or freeze. Talk to your mom. Try to make a plan together, let her know that you're trying, you want to do it, but you're struggling with it and that she has your support, but you still need hers in understanding your situation.
I don't know, just my opinion. A stranger's point of view, I guess.
@@mokie7421 if it makes you feel any better i am in almost the exact place you're in. You are not alone
@@danaa7425 thanks. I wish I could sympathize with you. I wish I didn't feel alone after just reading a message telling me im not alone. People like me just don't deserve to be alive or should be alive. If only i got luckier and was born stronger than I wouldn't have to mope like the absolute loser that I am. I appreciate your message.
One thing that I think also helps with this is being surrounded by people who aren't rejecting you. Like the group coaching environment or being cherished in a group of friends or one day in a workplace. It's so much easier to apply to jobs when you truly believe in your own intrinsic worth and know on a deep level that you bring value to the job. You know it's their loss if they don't hire you. It stops hurting in that kind of personal rejection way.
This is so helpful to me, I defiantly have rejection sensitivity. Ruined relationships by over apologizing and trying to hard. I just so didn’t know what I was doing hahah. Like wait what? Being overly apologetic over nothing is cringy, clicks now. Thank you!!!
This issue has ruined my life and honestly I just want to hop in my car and drive away and never talk to anyone i have ever known ever again
You can do that, it may not help but don't discount it. It will lead to more opportunities in ways you might not imagine
Man I feel that.
I can’t even watch this all at once it’s like a sack of bricks smacking me in the head describing my own thought patterns better than I can myself and this guys never met me in my life. I guess it is comforting that so many people face the exact same problem
I've been delving into a decade-long research in hopes to figure out "what's wrong with me" and how "I can help myself feel/be better" and never found anything that describes me almost to the T until now.
Thank you, Dr K. My searching has finally came to an end
Guess what past me, we got diagnosed with bpd and cptsd LMAO
I'm finally learning to have hope that healing can happen. I live in such a dark, negative place in my head constantly battling with the lies i believe hecause of my trauma.... I can never seem to do or say the right thing, everything situation that is negative or ends badly is always my fault, nothing I will ever do or say will ever be right or enough for anyone because I will never be enough. Decades of therapy and I know it's from childhood trauma which then led me into other mentally abusive adult relationships that just fed the lies that lived inside me and made all the chaos I felt harder to deal with. I'm now 43 and am struggling to stay above water everyday of my life. I've never heard of RSD but wow. It makes so much sense. I've been diagnosed with depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, PTSD, panic disorder w/panic attacks, as well as a slight case of agoraphobia... it's exhausting to breathe at times but I'm so willing to find a way to unlearn the nonsense I've been taught to believe about myself. This video is great and im so happy i stumbbled upon the channel. Thank you so much!!!
I feel like they always put all the emphasis on what happened in the home during childhood but the feedback you receive regarding how you relate to your peers and the world can be JUST as damaging as what happens at home. I believe we get a lot of these issues because of experiencing this stuff inside AND outside the home and there being no escape. I don’t disagree with anything here but every time I listen to discussions around trauma and CPTSD there is very little mention about how impactful and damaging other experiences are in addition to having the screwed up home life in childhood. It was a mess at home but going to school was seriously a battlefield. Heaven forbid you are dealing with any -isms then you are even dealing with crap from adults in childhood. Just a thought I’ve been having.
And during adolescence too
100% doesn't get talked about enough. I grew up in a very supportive home until I was 11 then sent to boarding school so yeah.... Fucked up stuff.
Weeeiirrrddd! You are 100% inside my Psyche and we've never met. No one EVER has described what goes on inside my head... until now. I'm 39! Thank you 🙏
Would love to see a part 2 on this topic, covering how rejection sensitivity affects other parts of one’s life and delving deeper into some solutions. :)
Would be glad if you talked about Learned helplessness.
Agreed^^ it would be very useful
The concept of "learned helplessness" is outdated. The scientists that did the original research on this (Seligman and Maier) have, motivated by insights from neuroscience, completely reversed their stance: Passivity in response to shock is the default, unlearned response and overcoming that passivity is learned.
@@Howitchewstofeel5gum thx for the info.
Agreed
One thing I love about your videos, you use words like "ours" instead of "them", makes these videos a lot more friendly to people suffering from mental health problems :)
So glad I found this video! It explains ME, my reaction to criticism and rejection (perceived). Thank you
Why does the right video always come out when I need it? I've been struggling with rejection sensitivity all my life, but I've never been able to identify what those feelings were until now. Now I can do something about it.
I dont know where I would be right now without having found your channel and all of your teachings. Every single video is like an "aha!" moment through the entire video of things that i completely identify with and struggle with and have always thought made me a bad or incompetent human, and now I'm learning all these things I've felt have been shared by so many other people, and not only that but they are totally normal and treatable with mental and social exercises or therapy. thank you
Watching your videos I now understand why and how I've screwed up my relationships with people. But that brings up a new level of sadness and self blame, and thoughts about what could have been if I hadn't had those problems then... And also some anger toward my parents.. who I thought I finally had a good relationship with as an adult.. But I also try to acknowledge that they tried their best and they then carried their own trauma..
and you tried your best to cope with a difficult situation
Thank you so much for creating this awesome community, man. This is, without any doubt, the most wholesome place on the internet. Your videos help me a lot in this journey I've started recently to repair some trauma, and this one has revealed a whole new point of view. I grew up in a home where one parent would punish any little imperfection while the other would not really care at all about anything. Two extremes that are very toxic in their own way. I've been told that I was ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food they gave me and that probably made me feel like I had to earn them (when someone tells you how ungrateful you are for something you start thinking if you are worth getting them). My feelings and opinions were always invalid, so I learned that the best way to get through life is to shut up. This is what anxiety and fear of rejection is and they're really tough to live with. I'm unable to have really close friends, as soon as things get a little bit serious I start thinking I'll eventually screw it up. And I do, usually. It's the same with romantic relationships. Have never kept one for more than a few months.
Reading the comments, I realize it's a common experience for people that are (mostly) my age, but the good thing is that now we can all learn together. Our parents were probably fucked up by their parents, so now we can break that chain by discovering ways to do better and be more compassionate. To those who still have doubts about going to therapy... definitely do it. Use these insights in discussing your situation with someone. You'll learn so much about yourself that you had no idea of. Because sometimes (as is my case) this toxic environment prevents you from knowing your true self, being taught you shouldn't ask questions, so you become whatever your caregivers say you are, so you don't upset them.
Again, huge thanks Dr. K. Right now, I'll have my next therapy session in 2 hours and I can't wait to talk about this with my therapist.
With Love.
👆👍💘
Slowly trying to incorporate this advice into my life. I always wanted to fix this problem but never know HOW. Thank you for giving me the tools to solve this. In the past month, my relationships at work are already much better.
Come on, why is the upload timing is so good. I am currently struggling this exact moment right now. I am falling in love again for the first time in the last 7 years of wallowing from my fear of rejections and I'm struggling because I have to also focus on my career (planning to immigrate and will undergo a full reset in life).
Debating if I choose to just fuel this emotion as an inspiration and focus all of my energies on my career growth and set boundaries that we can only be friends
or embrace this feeling and make an effort to reciprocate her advances and seriously ask her out
i'm so glad young men have access to online content that's informative and helpful and not toxic.
I was raised by narcissist, who physically and emotionally abused me and destroyed my self-worth, so now any rejection gives me anxiety and in relationship it's feels like I'm unlovable. I just gave up relationship at this point.
In a similar situation, it’s rough as hell.
Same
Look up anxious attachment and secure attachment
@@Jesamisus look up anxious attachment
@@zoeazsss5035 look up attachment styles, specifically anxious
I'm glad I found this video! I started a new job one month ago and constantly felt mentally exhausted after an... actually not very exhausting work day because I was scanning my new co-workers and my boss for little signs of disapproval, dislike or criticism all the time. I finally have a name for it and can put my finger on it. And not only at work, I also realize now why my friendships aren't as fullfilling, or why I react to my boyfriend in invalid ways sometimes. Thank you very much, Dr. K.
My daughter was like this from birth. If anyone else held her besides me, she'd cry and pull to me like I was rejecting her. By the time she was a toddler, if we ever said the word "No" (sternly or calmly), she'd instantly start crying. She's never woken up in the middle of the night to bother us (whereas her brothers do frequently). One time she got sick and threw up on the carpet upstairs. She was so worried about appearing like she made a mistake (at 3!!!), she got toilet paper and tried desperately to clean it up. When that didn't work, she covered it all up with books. When she took her first soccer class at 4, if the moms started laughing about something (their own kids, never her), she would fall to the ground and freeze, refusing to get up and play because she thought they were laughing at her. It's been so heartbreaking to raise someone that is so afraid of being seen as weak, but she's getting stronger with each year. I know how to help her because I was and am the same way! I just hope we can get her to where I am at 35 faster than I got here. Thanks for the video!
4:58 I wonder if there's some element of heredity to this? My mom had a horrible mother and was very rejection sensitive, as am I, as is my daughter. However, me and my daughter were never made to feel like a burden in our homes or that we needed to manage anyone else's emotions.
your daughter sounds alot like younger me lol. Even a simple "No candy" made me bursts into tears, not because i couldn't eat candy but because i took it as a personal rejection towards *me*. Combine with emotional dysregulation they basically had to deal w constant screaming and crying 24/7 (literally)
This literally explains so much. Now I can be more self aware, than you for the valuable information 🙂
It would be great to learn about Dr K's perspective about rejection sensitivity developed as a result of peer ostracization and how to overcome it.
This is the reason behind why I ghosted many people especially men. I never felt powerful when ghosting people. I did it because I know that to be rejected by somebody is hurtful. I myself is sensitive to rejection because in my life I was rejected a lot. Other form of rejection that I often experienced was people crossed my boundaries or they even lashed out when I said "No". I felt so rejected, I couldn't be my real self around anybody, and I grew with my fear of consequences. I also overreacted in many situations when I felt unsafe. The safest thing I can do is just distancing myself (physically and/or emotionally) from most people. As I am getting older (now 35 y.o.), I become easily irritated by people, especially men.
Another BANGER from Dr. K, I am everything you described in this video and I only recently discovered the concept of emotional maturity and now rejection sensitivity. I've felt a very powerful shift within my own mind ever since learning about how my childhood experiences shaped who I am today, and while I know I still have lots of work to do to become emotionally mature and not as rejection sensitive, I feel more hopeful about my future than I ever have!
your timing on these new videos are unreal 😭😭 i needed this
This video actually came at a great time bc I have my therapy session today usually. And something we talked about that isn’t part of the video, but I thought people may find helpful, is that some people (like myself) get defensive rather than fawning, because, at least for me, I just got fucking exhausted of apologizing to everyone for everything. I got sick and tired of feeling wrong, so I doubled down on “I’m right, you’re wrong, and now I’m going to prove it to you”.
As a caveat my own rejection sensitivity was not primarily caused by my parents, but rather by one extremely bad relationship during my early teen years (which is when most people develop their skills of forming relationships with each other). The more I apologized to them, the more distant they became and I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. And with every relationship after (friends mostly), I got more and more exhausted of blaming myself, so instead I blamed the people around me. Neither of these things are an appropriate reaction. I’ve learned and grown from these experiences, but for people out there who feel like facts 1 and 2 resonate but 3 doesn’t, this might be relevant to your experience.
Thanks for adding that; was looking for it. I rather get devensive too (and offended, in my case. Maybe narcissistic...). But the underlying problem is the same as explained in the video. Do you know of any books, etc. talking about this issue?
Growing up my mother was mentally (and physically ill). "Eggshells" is the perfect description of my childhood. She needed help, and for whatever reason, didn't get it. I have struggled with rejection sensitivity for so much of my life. Inddeed, I fell into a relationship where she started to blame me for everything, and I believed her. I did get out, but that relationship damaged me pretty hard. Now I see that my wife struggles with this. But luckily, she doesn't pull away from me, but from friends and the outside world. Even the slightest whiff of disapproval from someone, no matter how benign, just sets her off for the whole day. I will be sharing this video with her.
This makes so much sense for me.
I grew up with narcissistic parents, and I learn how to dissapear from reality so easily and I get used to avoid problems just withdrawing. I always blamed myself because no one told me its a survival mechanism that should be re-learned and how to re-learn it, I only thought about myself I'm lazy and a coward. Now it brought me the level of problems I don't know how to deal with, because I had withdrawn from my friends for years and still think they won't forgive me for that I abandon them.
I also always thought how is it possible that my personality traits contradicts to each other. I can easily organize myself, follow schedule, don't miss deadlines etc., but sometimes I gave up for no reason. It's scary to accept that I just learned that somewhere in childhood that "better do not try and dissapear, to not bother others and you bring only problems". It's self distracting behaviour which can bring thoughts about ending life at all.
I really resonate with the conflict emerging from the seemingly contradicting personality traits that you pointed out. Whenever I have a negative episode in which I withdraw, I always wonder how I could be mostly hardworking and conscientious but at times completely drop the ball and disappear. I don't properly trust myself because of this and I realize now that this affects all my relationships as I'm always anticipating that I'll disappoint someone eventually in a big way.
YOH WHAT
i think this explains how yea I could be organized so much
But then suddenly give up and "disappear"
I feel like it is linked to feeling negative and its a coping mechanism I learned somewhere in my childhood
This changed my life. As someone who is always willing the learn and learns a lot of stuff on the internet this is one of the best gems I’ve ever come across thank you so much.
I was hoping this would cover things like job applications, or asking people out; like how there are people who are *way* better at handling that type of rejection than I am. The whole advice of “you just need to get rejected 10,000 times and then you’ll be used to it,” never seemed to work for me. One rejection like that will send me into a depression for weeks!
EDIT: I should clarify that I’m not particularly invested in the dating part of my example; I’ve been married for years. What I was trying to talk about was the whole “making yourself emotionally vulnerable” type of rejection scenario. As a composer, I’ve had an extremely difficult time putting my work out for open calls, because the emotional cost of being rejected felt like it was way more to me than it was for my peers. I wasn’t ever able to shrug it off like they were, and would dwell on it for much longer. It sort of ended with me leaving the field because I just wasn’t equipped to put my ego in front of a buzzsaw over and over again every day; I was hoping the video had some kind of explanation/method of coping.
He didn't even say that you should learn how to get rejected by getting rejected
From experience, I agree, getting more rejections don’t actually make it easier to be rejected, it just starts to hurt in different ways. There’s no “one size fits all” answer for “getting over” rejection sensitivity, but I do know that having a support system like friends or family or a therapist helps a lot to work through it. Having a space to be “allowed” to feel upset about rejection is what has helped me face it. I still feel terrible when I’m rejected, such as from jobs or internships. But it no longer harms me by sticking with me for weeks and weeks. Finding a way to feel the full range of emotions without letting it harm the rest of your life is important.
So I'm just a random internet person, so don't take my conclusions as fact; But if I understand correctly it seems that what you're talking about is slightly different than what is being talked about in the video. From my perspective the video is about certain behaviors when socializing. Yet it seems you have a genuine fear of approaching people in the first place. I'm not sure if my experience will carry over, but what has worked for me is to try to maximize confidence while minimizing my perceived risk. I will push myself to periodically take a very small step, no matter how small (even this comment suffices), then focus on that step in order to maximize appreciation. I've found that by doing that I can get a lot of the benefits from making progress, while having to put in the least amount of effort. I believe meditation and mindfulness will work very well with this strategy, but I haven't tried it for myself yet.
It does cover that
Same! Anyone know what can be done with job application fear?
Thank you for explaining this in layman's term, less technical/clinical jargon, in a way that a common person will understand. I am glad RUclips let me discover you so now I have an idea of what I am going through. In fact, ticks the boxes about my childhood, and default reaction to rejection or what seems to be rejection. I am now your new subscriber (04/2024).👍👍
I *really* struggle with rejection sensitivity, and have spent my life since childhood learning to read people's emotions and intentions... but I didn't have a bad family growing up! I can't think of any specific people I needed to be careful around as a child... it was just "people in general" that I wanted to learn to please... no idea why. So I relate to all of this, except for where it comes from. Weird!
@rosie I'm waiting to be assessed for autism spectrum disorder, so yeah it totally could stem just from how autistic brains process other people's emotions differently!
You should look at Patrick Teahan's youtube channel I'm sure it'll help you❤. There's something called tricky families where abuse and neglect aren't obvious but still happened. When people recall life with tricky families they believe they weren't traumatized until they engage with their childhood through the lense of a childhood trauma therapist. Also, most people dont remember their childhoods. Patrick has been a wonderful help for me to piece together what happened to me in childhood
ADHD then
Maybe you had a hard time with classmates? I did, wasn't bullied but outcast. Good parents, though my dad also I rejection sensitive!
@@oggyboggy8692 ooh that feels like it might be true, yeah - I did struggle with getting other kids to like me at first, until I learned to read them better
I vouch for the stalling strategy. Nothing better than just chilling. Feels amazing knowing I'm not consciously contributing to a worsened state of panic. I'm just chilling, and also not making it anyone else's problem.
I have rejection sensitivity hardcore, I'm a full grown adult but have lots of trouble dealing with it. I get anxiety thinking my RSD is screwing up my life in ways I can't fix, long or short term. I also don't really have a lot of money so I can't pay for alot, so I have to do this on my own. Even texting a close friend straight up gives me bad anxiety cause I don't want to piss them off even if I know logically they'll probably think, "Oh, it's Hollywood"(my nickname lol). The struggle in my head is real. Low to no self esteem and I seem to be much better at helping other people dealing with this than I am with my own RSD. I just want out of the loop of hurt.
Not that medication is a silver bullet, but I have found a noticeable improvement with it, to the point where I am able to challenge it and better manage it. Not sure what the guidelines are for talking about specific medications in this context, but I think there are only two main ones that may help RSD according to the current research.
I just learned something new about me with this video, thanks Dr.K.
I only wished that I could have seem this video a month ago, it would have avoided some problems that happened in the last weeks, well, can't do much about that now...
This helps me a lot thanks Dr. K! I used to think I had to stay invisible because women in society are supposed to be docile, get along with the group etc but it actually started because my mom has depression and I never wanted her to be upset by anything I said or did and my dad just hated kids entirely and only wanted to know adults who are "functional" ie not children who are learning and growing up to try and be that way eventually so I pretty much avoided people til middle school when the environment was fun and you could goof around a little before high school classes. In my 20s, it came swooping back though. Hopefully I can relax a little around people before my 40th bday in 3 years!~
Wow. This is something I've totally forgotten I have.
I have social anxiety and as Dr.K was talking, I realized that rejection is a major part of it. Hell, it's probably THE reason.
Thank you for this Doc.
Dr K you know exactly how I feel and then you make a video about that. I am lucky that I have an amazing romantic relationship, but I really struggle with work relationships. And friendships sometimes..
Dude, your content is so incredibly helpful. There are lots of self-help gurus on youtube, therapists, etc, but your videos have a certain quality about them that makes them unique. You're really doing great work and making a difference. Thank you so much, Doc.
The first time I heard the term Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was in connection with ADHD, and then again later with autism. For ADHD, it’s one of the few pretty much universal symptoms, due to a combination of emotional dysregulation and impulsivity (Olympic level conclusion jumping) and the negative life experiences that come with being different and being punished for it, by caregivers and society. It’s further compounded by the nearly universal childhood trauma that comes with this constant actual rejection, which reinforces our brain’s tendency to recognize and respond to those patterns of disapproval and rejection from others, as we’re already at a disadvantage when it comes to social situations for a whole spectrum (ha) of reasons, and thus more likely to trigger disapproval in the first place. Our disproportionately high rates of bullying and abuse victimization are no coincidence. RSD lights up the brain the same way physical pain does, sometimes even at just the *thought* that rejection is looming, apart from any actual evidence of it yet, making us even more prone to reacting in ways that become that self-fulfilling prophecy. Even in very stable, loving, healthy families, the outside world is more than capable of inflicting and enforcing this condition on us neurospicy folks, and it’s so important for everyone to be aware of this, so we can learn to recognize it in ourselves and others and put out the fires in our relationships before they spiral out of control. Understanding and empathy are key to healthy relationships, even more so when RSD is involved.
ETA: This hypervigilance and misreading of others’ social cues is also especially difficult for ADHD and autistic folks because of our additional struggles in social interactions, making it even more stressful and difficult to read others due to our own baseline differences in social communication to begin with, and especially for ADHD, the compounding effects of inattention making us miss things altogether.
Trust Dr K to speak straight out of the heart of insecure young men like myself
Feeling like you have all this love to give but always holding yourself back because you’re afraid of how others will perceive you has been really crippling in my adult life
It’s truly amazing how in a 20 minute video he can give an explanation to the causes and useful advice to help progress away from the self-loathing and self-doubt
Thank you for all you do Dr K and keep up the good work
this is so close to home it kinda feels awkward.
the only thing that worries me is maybe that rejection sensitivity came from external environments, not from home (school, kindergarten, playground), but idk if that's even possible.
even while writing this i'm thinking 'what they're gonna think about me and about my english?' . i'm picky with my words and phrases and this is so, soo tiring
thanks for the tips, dr k! i'll definitely keep them in mind
You described the relationship with one of my parents! Exactly! They are never wrong.
I feel weird because i never thought my parents were abusive in any way, but my dad did compare me and my siblings to other kids often, and was just really hard to impress or get approval from. Sometimes he would yell at us for doing stupid things, or having no common sense (though there’s no way i could have known some things without someone teaching me in the first place). Then my mom was an angel, just the complete opposite, and so I’m confused as to how i ended up with severe rejection therapy.
I’m actively avoidant of some people because I’m afraid things will go bad, and now it’s been a month since i’ve spoken with them, I don’t want that, in fact i want to have a great relationship with them. I just felt like speaking this out into the world for some reason so if you read this thanks and have a good day man
You were bullied by your father… That would definitely contribute to the rejection sensitivity
This is pretty much my experience summed up perfectly, I was constantly on the alert to try and stop my Dad flying into a rage at me for the tiniest things. Slowly healing in therapy and learning I don’t have to walk eggshells around people
So I feel like a lot of these challenges apply to me. I don't remember my household being that chaotic as a child, but there are some things that mightve contribute to creating my tendency to always worry that I've upset someone. Although after being diagnosed autistic in my 40s, I'm able to see how often I'm misinterpreting information/ situations. And ALL of my romantic relationships I've wondered "am I in trouble?" A lot; doing my best and not understanding why/how I've upset them
I was able to overcome rejection sensitivity temporarily. My ego led me back to it. It's key that detachment and awareness are developed.
The toxic relationships that create this mental programming really are the worst. It isn't just upbringing; bad intimate relationships can create this adaptation too.
True. And there are two commonly extreme reactions. One being overapologetic and appeasing. And another reaction where there is defensive anger.
Both extremes are unhelpful and harmful.
Like he said, the pause.. Is key. Time to move out of the activated emotional body and into a calm rational emotionally regulated response instead of the toxic quick reaction.
To hear my issues so eloquently described and the positivity in there actually being a tangible solution has done wonders for my inner monologue.
It's a weird thing. After countless years of always being highly sensitive to criticism and such, now I'm actually starting to enjoy experiences where I'm put out of my comfort zone. It makes me feel alive. Yeah, I've had a boring life.
My daughter has been diagnosed with ASD and probably has ADHD, and she suffers from Rejection Sensitivity to the point where she was self harming to cope with the emotional pain. She takes medication, which helps take the edge off her anxiety and has stopped the self harm. She read about RS a few years ago and recognised it in herself, but health workers we have spoken to just reject this as a thing. It is very difficult for people with autism because they experience so much rejection.
I had a unhappy childhood, my parents rejected me and my mother would fly into rages, which I didn't understand, so I definitely developed a sensitivity to rejection. Therapy never really helped me, but meditation did and has transformed my life.
You can never get rejected if you never ask people out :')
Like a ship being safest in the harbour
that's what I did!
@@Dimitris_Half Fortunately (or unfortunately), arranged marriage is still a thing in India.
but then it leads to regrets, which is worst. learning this the hard way
@@Dimitris_Half not true. It happens all the time that people spark interest in others without actively asking for it. It is, they get accepted without asking people out.
I experience rejection sensitivity every day. If I look back, there's a ton of memories of me not being good enough for someone to want to listen to me or be with me.
Nowadays, I think it's a little better. I'm 24 years old but whenever I'm somewhere, even with my family, and I'm looking at the group and they are not making eye contact with me, I just feel like absolute shit. I really am glad to have discovered this channel so I can keep on putting myself where I can get better with people who want to engage with me, and meditating like I used to do
Good luck to you all, you're not alone even though it sometimes feels like you're the only ones going through it. ❤
Thinking on my rejection sensitivity, it's hard when your parental figures were often vacant. But when they were around, I did feel reprimanded for the smallest things.
Also relatives commenting on my looks as I was growing older, I'm not sure if the self-esteem stuff goes into it.
Definitely sensitive to when others were unhappy, and neutral stimuli like a read message felt so harsh to me.
I found a group of people I exercised with in a group class, everyone was older than me but they didn't comment overly positively or negatively when I was around.
I realized I really liked being a “fixture” at parties where I could leave and enter conversations or just listen. I remember that I didn't want to be seen at all, and didn't make advancements or withdraw, I tried to just be in the room(I'm usually overly social or I would not attend events).
I found the healthy middle naturally, I admire hearing that being neutral is really the way to give us the better data points.
By default I don't see relationships as optional, and if they were ruined, it was my fault. Still feel it a little bit, but the more I notice what is my fault and what isn't, the more I see clearly every situation. It's nice...