I realized over time that confidence doesn't just come from what you learn, it also comes from what you don't learn, in a weird sense. Picking up healthy habits overall has improved my confidence
Also it does come from many sources but I would say it’s trust and acceptance in one’s self even if your skinny or fat you are still confident despite the situation you just are lik if your a boy your a boy you don’t look for other things you just are
100% true. My grandma has dementia, she lost all memories about her past failures in life. She even can't wipe her arse, but omg she has more confidence in her actions than Tony Robbins.
TLDR- Helping dogs with confidence issues helped me with mine. The reference to dogs is wonderful. I have worked with dogs for over 15 years and working with them has helped ME probably more than some of the therapies I have tried. Puppies are born confident. While some may be more timid or less social, they still have a sense of confidence. It all comes down to teaching a dog who has lost confidence because of abuse, neglect or any other reason that what they are afraid of won't harm them. There is obviously a difference for us humans since we process things differently and can draw out ideas or imagine things about the future. Dogs simply know they were hurt or scared by something, so they don't want to be hurt or scared by it again. As a result, I simplified my fears, insecurities, and anxiety to think about it the way dogs think, and I used the tools that I use to get dogs out of this state of mind (by not coddling the fear, but making things fun that were once scary or demonstrating to them that no matter what I ask them to do, they will be safe if they trust me) and I was able to work through a lot of things my brain could never work through with its complex processing method. Dogs also taught me SO MUCH about forgiveness, living in the present, and really appreciating the little things. My confidence was found by helping dogs to find their confidence again.
The beginning comment is wilddddd "confidence is default, you gain insecurity", which im sure comes right from his monk days. In fact most religion says the same (I.e. you're born perfect). But it's actually wild to think the question isn't, what more do you need of something, it's always, what the hell is in the way of you already being it...
The knowledge and information you get from outside are helpful. But if you actually get to that point with your own thoughts it’s so much more enlightening🙏🏻 I can’t even count how many times I cried and got goosebumps because I truly realized stuff through my own thoughts, even thought I already heard or got told the exact same things hundreds of times. This feeling is just absolutely amazing💪
@@Pimpjit85 Exactly, like Adam and Eve didn't know right from wrong and didn't feel self-conscious about being naked in the garden in the beginning. Kids also act the same way until around age 13, as the Bible says
Caroline Winkler (an interior design youtuber) said something that really helped me shift my perspective on confidence when she said something to the effect of "Confidence isnt always about thinking you're great all the time, sometimes confidence is just trying to show up as your authentic self." I feel like too often we try to mold our personalities into something we think other people will like when in reality we just need to be ourselves. Plus it takes the pressure off of feeling like we constantly need to love ourselves all the time
Omg this is so true! Alongside with this video this really is gold!!!! You literally said what I really needed to hear at this point! So thankyou for that❤❤
Embracing (accepting) our shadow side is key. (Carl Jung’s core teaching). Accepting that we’re just a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses (LIKE EVERY OTHER SINGLE HUMAN BEING on this planet). When I take this perspective it liberates and empowers me to work on my weakness because my starting point is self-compassion ie I have this trait I want to improve on and it’s OK to have it - I can work on it 😃. I’m not a bad person, I’m actually ‘good’ AND I’m deeply flawed. Just like everyone. That also encompasses growth mindset (Carol Dweck). Edit: The shadow is all the things I reject and don’t like about myself - the “dark” qualities. It’s when we reject our shadow elements that we get into strife. We hide them, deny them, ignore them, feel ashamed, judge ourselves etc It can confuse our identity because we don’t know how to conceptualise ourselves (ie am I a “good person” or a “bad person” ?)
Trauma can have a huge impact on how you perceive yourself. Your self esteem gets processed through your external world without that internal value filter. That's seriously what I went through. I couldn't grade my worth anymore based on who I was before. All of a sudden it's like my value was erased. I find comfort in friendship, but I catch that devalued energy and I get scared. I start worrying if im still loved. Life is hard to navigate now, and I'm just trying to grow and adapt. 😭
This seems very relevant for people who deal with social anxiety. The standard treatment seems to be putting people into the social situations they are afraid of (behavioural therapy). But in my experience it mainly helps you to get used to everyday life situations while not really adressing the special situations in your life in which you kinda have to be the best version of yourself, like dates and job interviews. For those situations it's important to actually feel comfortable in your own skin.
Agree! CBT has helped me to "function" better on a day to day level, but without examining the root cause more in depth and consciously, it is a bandaid over a deep wound that will continue to cause distress. CBT can be massively helpful for some and maybe all they need, but for me, without doing trauma work that re-examines the root and deals with it at its beginning, the pain will not resolve and the negative self image will remain under a "better-functioning" surface.
You can definitely fake confidence in operant settings like dates and job interviews but addressing you’re core issues is the healthiest and more stress free option in the long run
Epitectus' "If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." Makes a lot more sense given the idea that confidence is only lost, rather than gained. If you throw out the insecurity of starting something new, then you have less opportunities to grow insecurities
Part of the sadness that comes up, as well as being a tragedy that you've held a belief about yourself that wasn't true, is the fact that someone you cared about treated you like shit for no reason, and never apologized or walked it back.
I think it's quite beautiful that confidence arises once you let go of the trauma and other self-identity aspects of yourself, rather than being "achieved" by accomplishing a goal or reaching a new height. Like a treasure chest that was ignored just because it was in the attic, under a dusty set of badly stitched quilts and outgrown school jackets. It's always been there but life makes most of us forget this beauty that is inside of us. Beyond just the psychological dynamics at play during the confidence restoration process, I am at awe at the poetic path that this takes, from ourselves into ourselves.
That whole thing about the nugget of trauma hits upon an interesting point (for me): As a kid I liked to read a lot, especially highly fantastical stories. Over time I feel like that got me cast as the "outsider" kid who didn't really vibe with the rest of the group. Fast forward a few years (and a lot of affirmation), and as a teenager I started to believe that I was just a natural lone wolf. Fast forward another few years (early 20s) and one light depressive episode later, I noticed that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm one of the "cool" kids, because my friends would just chill with me anyways. That whole insecurity about "I have to pretend to be cooler than I am to fit in" just...disappeared over a handful of weeks, because my friends helped me unlearn that pattern of thought that I hadn't even really considered as "wrong". That being said, talking to strangers at parties or other social events is still fucking weird and will probably require a bunch more unlearning - but progress was made and that genuinely dragged me out of a dark place back when.
Congrats bro, im in a same situation, I thought i was gonna kms when i was a teen due to loneliness and isolation, and now im 22 things kinda went smooth sailing in terms of approaching and meeting new people and having social connections.
This is funny, I remember alwaya thinking I'm not a cool kid and not a populat person, and I accepted the "lone wolf"thing and just started to always befriend the other lonely person in a new environment and give every other "lone wolf" a small circle of supportive people to be with. I never realized how many friends I got until my ex pointed out to me that I don't get his struggle because he doesn't have as many friends as I do and he's not popular like me. I just said "no I'm not popular either" and then kinda realized I have a lot of friends but I was still there thinking I'm the weird loner, and deep down I will never stop feeling like that's who I am, hell. My entire motivation to collect people that seem lonely is because I know what that is like.
@@godwinyo5206 You stop hiding parts of yourself that you think other people will judge you for... I think it's coming to terms with the parts of our mind that we developed to avoid. I still feel that sudden rush of self-consciousness around certain people I see that seem so confident. The thing is we all have insecurities growing up and the ability to get over that is a mind game-- not tolerating the bullshit people have already or will inevitably sling at you (what are their intentions & how ignorant are they) so that we can meander through ourselves to awaken to better things; our confident nature.
@@reyyy8805 Binder donedat. You know there is a gem of knowledge within you. You could probably sense it however briefly or vaguely throughout some moments in your life... You slowly have to dig through the pile of shit that is your subconscious mind, to get there. Well, it is techniquely within your grasp right now, but you have that the pile of shit that keeps showing up. So, you have to figure out on your own now how to pull back the layers of fear that seem to define who you are. Dig through it slowly and methodically until you come to the point where you and life just flow with existence.
Ever since I started watching healthy gamer, I actually get kind of excited when I experience negative emotions because I recognize them as opportunities to grow stronger mentally.
This video floored me as someone who has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADHD. I was bullied since I was 6 after getting sexually assaulted so I was terrified growing up. In my diagnosis they also detailed that I have 0 self esteem. Therapy definitely helps, but I can confidently say(lol) this video has helped me frame my mind so much better about understanding the sum of my scars and how it affects me every day. I truly thought once that I moved past this trauma from my childhood into my teen years but I realize now that I haven't; I just didn't understand how it affects me to this day. I still believe those horrible things people said to me, as hard as it is to admit that. Taking back your life isn't going to happen overnight, but taking a step, even if it's just a small one, is progress nonetheless. If you're reading this, you have value. You are worth it. You are not what people think and say about you. Stay strong for you, not for anyone one else. ❤
As someone with major depressive disorder and ADHD, I can relate to being bullied, I know how awful it is to experience. Nobody deserves to be bullied or assaulted and it takes a lot of courage to speak about these experiences. It’s very true that taking back your life doesn’t happen overnight, I like what you said about small steps and not letting what people think determine your value, I kinda needed that🖤
Dr. K and HG continuing to be THE online mental health resource available out there. The way Dr. K approaches issues such as insecurity and relationships is so refreshing because he challenges our preconceived notions about self-help topics and adds extremely valuable insights (in this video, for example, he changes 'gaining confidence' to 'unlearning insecurity'; 'what makes it hard to be confident?' vs. 'How to be confident'). I don't know exactly what it is, but HG just feels so much more insightful and personal than typical mental health advice out there.
Jordan Peterson is very wise as well. The level of insight they have if we are willing to listen is beyond most people's current level of knowledge and consciousness. \ We can reach that level of insgiht and autonomy ourselves, too.
Same observation, I've never seen anyone on RUclips approach confidence issues and give solutions like this. Usually you'd see advice like: walk this way, don't look down when walking, speak this way, etc, advice that could be useful to people who have small dips of confidence, but are useless to people who have more deeply rooted insecurities, which need to be addressed first. This video is truly eye opening!
What has helped me: it is my obligation to go after what I want. No matter how I view myself. Why? Because if you supress your wants and needs, you will subconsciensusly go after something that looks barely of what you want but never be satsified and will hurt people in the process. Go after what you want with open and honest intentions. Its your duty. How you feel about yourself will evolve overtime.
the idea of confidence the default and insecurities being learned is such an underrated insight, i'm bringing that to anyone i know who feels insecure. thanks, Dr. Alok "Wetbutt" Kanojia
I like the idea that confidence is not something given to you externally but rather something you give yourself whether surviving something difficult or improving upon the person you were before. Speaking or acting confidently is not about being the loudest voice or the showing off but rather talking and acting where you are most needed because you know nothing will threaten your position. Other people cannot give you confidence. They can give gratitude, love, shame, but never confidence. It is your ability to stand amidst the tide of their criticisms that will hone your confidence.
What you're calling "confidence" here is actually self-esteem, if its internal and self-given as you say, because confidence to me is inherently external. But semantics aside, I agree with what you've said.
@@JustaMomentinTime nah, there are a lot of people who are narcisists and jelous of what you can do and will still call you useless no matter how much you outclass them
@@xLuis89x True that. It takes a degree of knowledge and empathy to see the effort someone puts into what they do in order to deconstruct it properly and find what's missing. Those rare egocentric personalities that lack commitment to their own ideals will, rather than construct a solid reasonable criticism, use logical fallacy as a cheap solution to dance around the actual problem while turning it on the opposition or leaving it unanswered. It does get more convoluted than that as there are more traits to narcissism than bad critiques but its a good indicator of bad influence.
This video completly changed the way I look at confidence. It's true. You are totally unskilled as a little child but so full of motivation, confidence, joy and intrinsic ambition. As many videos of you show, Dr. K., we should observe children's behaviour more often and try to reconnect with that internal child of ourselves again. :) Thank you for that enriching change of perspective!
I spent years trying to make myself confident but all I could ever do was put on an act of confidence, it wasn’t until after I burnt out of trying and took some time to myself to really face my insecurities head on that I finally understood what real confidence actually feels like. I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, it really is so freeing to finally let it go, would reccomend.
Legit mind blown at how much sense this makes and how obvious it seems when explained this way. However, in practice I’ve always thought of it as “gaining confidence”. This changes everything
What's helped me: 1. Work out and make slow progress 2. Hone a craft and make slow progress Emphasis on the slow progress. I wasn't confident in myself two years ago but it's not easy at all and it can escape you. Genuinely curious what helped other people
What helped me the most was working through the anxiety and realizing I had an anxiety problem that required professional help. I echo your thought though, allowing yourself to progress slowly helped me gain confidence as well
@@elpsykongroo5660Commentating esports but it's occasional, I used to practice alone watching VODs and record myself. It was cringe but once I finally did offline events, I was great from the get-go
@@kunstderfugueYeah I've been medicated for almost five years now. Determining what's medical and what's self-help is important but they're often intertwined
@@elpsykongroo5660 I recommend thinking about what you enjoy. One can categorize hobbies roughly by "making physical things", "making virtual things", "going places", "competing vs yourself", competing vs other people" etc. Examples would be woodworking, art, hiking, speedrunning, football respectively. Once you know what broad category you want to delve into, it'll be easier to find something you may enjoy. Or if that seems daunting, at least try to figure out which categories you definitely don't want to do. Best of luck!
As someone who grew up in with an a very toxic and emotionally abusive father, a little bit of bullying in school and sadly experincing a lot of workplace bullying and now have CPTSD this is right on the money about confidence and trauma eroding it away. This helps as someone still hunting for a good trauma therapist.
I'm three minutes in and you've already blown my mind. Thank you for doing this channel, it's really good that you're advertising this sort of advice to gamers as many of us tend to struggle with mental illness, underconfidence and intense social rejection anxiety.
I would say that most of the problem stems from the immediate aftermath of traumatic experiences in the past. Let's imagine you've been bullied in school with 13. It made you so insecure back then that you started to become the "quiet kid" if even in only one setting. Your negative beliefs could then get ingrained deeper day after day every time you were in the same setting (e.g. school). At that point, it's not an inaccurate belief anymore because you really WERE the quiet insecure kid, you just didn't have to be because the trigger was somewhat random. I would argue that for those cases (and I think that's most cases) going back to singular experiences doesn't solve the problem, it has to be that hard painful process of collecting new positive experiences through being brave in the exact situations that trigger you.
I think in such a case you have to tell yourself that it was not your fault. That it was not you, why you got to be the quiet kid. I know blaming is not good either, but maybe the bullies also did not know better or even you, nobody is perfect, especially young people. So you have to forgive them and yourself. But I think that is really difficult, idk maybe some other video from Dr. K explains forgiving someone, because I think that is a pretty common problem, especially in abusive relationships that you cannot forgive the other and you keep the grudge and cannot let go. I think it also has to do with regret, that you lost your time, which makes it harder to do so. Just my thoughts I had in mind.
Dr. K actually acknowledged that your technique called exposure therapy do work for a lot of people. This is just an alternative if it doesn't work for you when you just keep getting retraumatized. I think the problem actually starts when you get convinced that something neutral about you is actually wrong and make you unworthy of love and respect. Especially true when you got bullied for something like reserved personality, race, accent, financial status etc. When you get convinced those traits are actually bad, you'd start coming up with unhealthy coping mechanisms to make them less noticable. In my case, i got bullied for being ugly. I ended up coping by locking up myself at home and applying make up everytime i go out. I thought about going out w no makeup to build confidence. Sometimes i'd be lucky and realize barely anyone cares about other people they crossed path with. But sometimes I'd end up meeting people confirming I'm indeed unconventional looking and being rude to me. Can't talk or think straight for the entire day when those days happens. Just trauma all over again. A turning point happened when I started reflecting and realized how I internalized " I don't look normal = I deserve to be insulted when I show them my face.. " I was crying talking to my inner child self that it was not and will never be my fault if people treats me badly. If I haven't done Dr. K's advice I would've been stuck in a loop of retraumatizing myself to anxiety. Now when im back doing the exposure therapy you're suggesting, I'm now equipped with the right mindset that "it's a reflection of other's personality if i ever get insulted and it will never be my fault for just being myself" and now i dont spiral down as bad anymore as i once did. tldr dr k didn't deny the need for exposing yourself to the trigger overtime. That's why he said it would take practice. I think your's and dr k's goes hand in hand.
Gaining confidence can be a huge struggle for some people, including myself. It really takes a whole lot of time and patience to overcome your external and internal fears.
Agreed. True confidence isn't about gaining, but unlearning insecurity rooted in past traumas. Addressing these emotional scars from our past, re-contextualizing them, and understanding their influence can lead us back to our natural, confident selves.
This is unironically now become one of the most important videos for me as so much of myself has been restrained by insecurity that kept me from returning to my default state of being.
Confidence is a process which involves many steps. - Internal dialogue. The way you talk to yourself heavily impacts your self esteem. If you keep thinking things like "i don't know why i even try" "i always fail", "i am a loser", "im an idiot", "i suck with women", "someone like me does not deserve to be liked or loved by women"... All of those thigns you say to yourself in your head will make your less confident in a steady manner. Because you are basically being a bad friend to yourself. If you talked like that to your friends when they fail, they would tell you to fuck off because you are making them feel even more shitty about themsleves. But when you do it with yourself you allow it, you keep attacking yourself and that destroys any self esteem you may have left. - Self acceptance. The problem is not having flaws. The problem is not accepting yourself with those flaws. You might be short, ugly, etc But the main problem here is your attitude about it. Girls are testing your character and strength. For girls the main problem is not that you are short or ugly or whatever flaw you may have, the problem is hating yoruself for having that flaw. That's what the girls notice that you are not comofrtoable in your own skin, you aren't happy with who you are. And that's what turns them off more than anything. And yes girls will test you, they will call out your flaws. If you are fat they will say "you are fat". That's because they need to see your characte, your reaction to see if you truly feel good with yourself or are insecure. The way you react changes everything, if you act with self pity, embarrasment or anger you fail with women. If you choose not to take the "attack seriously" and can see that they are just testing you, then you just joke and say something like "Honey, this body screams sex appeal". You just simply show her words don't affect you, because you choose not to take yourself seriously. You simply are happy being fat and you know they aren't really insulting you, but testing you. I don't take seriously any tests of my character because it's all a game for me. And when girls see that they quit the tests and stop being comfortable around you. - Accepting rejection and not basing your worh on it. The problem is you assume rejection = I'm worthless/inadaquate/loser... This makes you highly insecure since you based your worth on someone else's judgment of yourself, a judgment that carries more weight than the judgment you have on yourself. You don't know your worth or you don't even appreciate your worth, so you base your worth based on what other people decides has value. As if their word was law, as if their criteria was the correct way to measure value, and your own criteria was the incorrect one. Why do you assume a person you know nothing about has a better criteria than you? What makes her qualified to have a better criteria? Nothing, and yet you let her opinion or judgement affect you emotionally. I choose my own criteria and i decide that everything about me is worth a lot, and if others don't see that, i simply assume their criteria is bad. You may think this is a delusion, but you are also deluding yourself if you think their criteria is better than yours when you know nothign about them. So if you are gonna delude yourself, at least delude yourself in a way that benefits you. - Rejection doesnt mean you are undesirable, it just means you don't connect with someone. A girl rejecting you means you are not compatible, and that you don't connect with her emotionally or sexually. That isn't a reflectio of your worth, or desaribility score. It's absrud to imply that because not everyone you like has to like you back then that means you are not likeable. The problem however is that because you hate rejection then as soon as you get a 5 of them, then that's it. That is enough for you to determine that no one in the entire country likes you. But what happens if you learn to deal with rejection? What if you learn to not take it personal so that it no longer affects you? What if getting rejected did not carry any emotional weight on you as if you offered them a chewing gum and rejected it because they don't like it? You would not fear rejection and you would be ok taking more chances. - Silencing your ego. This wierd need to fit in with others, to seek their respect and approval. The need to prove yourself, your worth, your manliness, to other people. The need to project an image of success to other people. The need to make sure that you avoid rejection because then other people would think you are a loser for getting rejected, so you would rather avoid rejection than having your image that you want others to believe destroyed. Your ego wants to be equal ot others, or superior, but never inferior. Your ego cannot accept the idea that you are not as perfect as others, or as smart, or as desirable... Your ego cannot let others to think of you as inferior to them. But you are not your ego, and your needs should not be the needs of your ego. The ego is fake, it's just an abstract image you have of yoruself or which you want others to believe. It's a facade, a front, and that facade has no benefits because it's fake and fragile. - Resilience: Every failure, every rejection is nothing but an ecperienec to learn and do better the next time. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges and adversity, and growing and learning from those rejections, failures. You need to embrace challenges with girls as opportunities for growth and learning. Rather than fairing rejection because you don't want proof that you are not worth anything, seek rejection as an opportunity to learn from the experience and improve your skills for future trials. The same way you would play a videogame. When you play a game, you fail because you are a noob at teh game, but with practice and training you become better at it and lose less times and win more often. Same goes with girls. You only become better the more you practice. Books can teach you skills which helps you to improve hence why i recommended them. And when you improve your skills with girls your results also improve, which has a positive effect on your confidence.
The second paragraph, it ends with "stop being comfortable around you"... just checking, was that on purpose or was it supposed to be "*start being comfortable around you"?
@@SwordWieldingDuck Like i said in last paragraph: Bad results can indeed be your responsibility, the point is that your worth isn’t measured by your results. Your problem is assuming that bad results = i am worthless. Your results can be improved, like any skill. But you need to accept that not being good at something now doesn’t mean you are a loser for it, as being good at something requires practice and growing and failing over and over until you learn and improve your skills. So the problem is not being rejected a dozen times, the problem is taking that as a reflection of your worth rather than taking it for what it is, a defeat in a game. When you play a game and lose a dozen times, you don’t take that as a reflection of your worth, you don’t get depressed about your value as a man, you just accept the challenge and try to improve your skills. Same principle applies in real life.
I already did two years of CBT, so looking at those beliefs and re-evaluating them was not news for me. However, the first few sentences that you can‘t gain confidence because that would be my natural state anyways really was a lightbulb moment for me today. So far I have been feeling like running a marathon with an iron ball on, trying to reach a goal that just was impossible to reach under the given circumstances. The mental picture of having to shed something or dig something up that has been hidden is so, so much more accessible and helpful for me!
This is honestly life changing information. I feel like I have only gotten worse and worse over the years at being confident, and it's largely because I thought I just had to keep repeating difficult things over and over until they became normal. But doing those things (asking friends to hang out, going to events in public, even just going to the store) was really difficult, so most of the time I just avoid it all and don't do it. So I have been beating myself up about not doing that I understood as the only way to heal. But this is such a good point. We are naturally confident. I remember it. And it really is all the bad things that happening piling on, echoing the same original emotions back to me and despite my logical understanding that the bad things weren't my fault, the pain is still there. I learned to integrate the bullying and shame into my own internal monologue, and now I am the one bullying myself. I know it's illogical, I know it's just that it happened so constantly that it is just the pathways my brain made. It makes it so hard to come out of the pain in the moment. But realizing that one way to get better is acknowledging why I feel such dread when I need to do something, thinking of where it comes from, and remembering each time that it makes sense why I think that but also isn't true, is a path to healing. So, thank you.
11:02 That hit me so hard, my eyes literally got teary. Like it's some sort realization. It's not like I didn't know it, it's just it was hard to describe properly
First time I heard it that way. If you research on confidence, be it on books, videos or articles, everyone say it has to be gained but this is the first time I heard it, that you already have it inside you but insecurity is holding it back, which in my opinion makes much more sense. I also believe that confidence is very complex. Although you might have a basic level of confidence, which will help you in your life, you can also be confident in a few areas and insecure in some others. For example I'm confident in certain video games like Rocket League because I played a 1000 hours in it but I'm insecure in MMORPG's because these are not my type of games I love to play. My goal is to reach a basic level of confidence, that I try new stuff first, before I say I'm bad at them, because currently I'm really insecure everytime I have to do something I never did before.
I experienced this grief firsthand awhile ago. It was actually a line you said about ADHD or general mental health stuff about celebrating small wins, and how sometimes responding to a text message in a timely manner is an accomplishment. I realized that I hadn't actually allowed myself to feel like my efforts were worth celebrating or even valid for actual months. In that moment, the reality of how hard I'd actually been on myself and for how long.. came crashing down on me. I'd never ended up sobbing at work before, and thankfully I was in a vacant unit. I had a similar experience the first time I took Adderall as an adult, and suddenly I could just do things and I was so happy... and then I was devastated, because I realized how hard everything had really been my whole life and that it didn't have to be that hard, I could have made it easier. Really odd sensation feeling grief about something good.
You’re not grieving something good. You’re grieving the version of you that had to struggle unnecessarily. You’re grieving the realisation that it didn’t have to be so difficult for you. You’re grieving the struggling little boy inside you that needed help and no one noticed. I’ve had this experience too, mate. It’s a right fucker! But we got this now. 🤜🤛
@@MrBungle900 Yeah, its basically a newfound sympathy for the person you used to be. The realization that the person you essentially have beaten up and criticized over the smallest thing, didn't deserve any of it, makes a very special dam break. A mix of both relief and regret, like popping a nasty zit.
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 Honestly, isn't that basically the case for so many people? In the case of harassment and bullying, your own psyche eventually joined the bullies in their awful efforts.
Thank you for discussing that last part. Something that's constantly been my experience is death by a thousand cuts. Go out, push through, breakdown eventually, and the cycle continued. I don't doubt I'll still be cut in the future but at least now I learned I can actually patch them up.
I needed to hear this as I struggle with regulating my breathing around strangers and even family members. It robs me of being in the moment of enjoyment and kills my confidence. Best advice I’ve ever heard is not to chase confidence but its to unlearn the insecurity.
This makes a ton of sense. It'd just really difficult for me to process my insecurities. Especially alone and finding a therapist that is a good fit is really difficult
100% agree on the re-traumatization part. I consumed a lot of PUA advice in my late teens and early twenties and then put myself in situations that were very, very uncomfortable for me because of my emotional baggage, but I didn't actually process anything with that approach, I just stuffed down all the anxiety and insecurity that came up because I wanted to follow the advice and come across as cool, strong, attractive etc. Also, getting positive feedback for not being yourself but putting on this kind of performance really does a number on you psychologically. Needless to say, the whole endeavour was terrible for my already shoddy self-esteem, even if it did get me some short-term success with the opposite sex sometimes. I really should've been in therapy, but I didn't know any better at the time and was looking for a solution to my problems with the resources I had access to, and these PUA "gurus" seemed to have it. Of course I now know that these guys prey on insecure people and only care about selling you something, but desperation and naivity can make you blind to that kind of stuff.
It makes sense and I have similar experience. Faking and suppression which lead to some success (desired reaction from people), but I wasn't processing my emotions and beliefs. So it actually slowed down my development in a way. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It was helpful to understand my situation 🙏🏻
Yeah women don’t really like being approached in a pua type of way generally so this can destroy your self esteem. I’ve turned down every man that has approached me randomly (even if I found them attractive) just out immediate fear, social anxiety and being busy
@@Lilah81 You are in the minority PUA if done right is enjoyable for both parties. Of course rejection is the norm but hey comes with the territory. Guys need to be rejected in order to get the girls they want
As soon as I noticed that confidence is literally just accepting and being proud of who you are with all your flaws it helped me tremendously. I look weird eating? Bro, that makes me unique and is cool as fuck. I have a certain walking style? Broo, that's me. THAT'S ME. As soon as you realize that all the quirks you have are actually cool and make you unique no matter how stupid they look, it can actually have the exact opposite effect and make you look less stupid doing so. And even if you look stupid, it's authentic. And authenticity is some of the best characteristics you can have.
This is like the vidoe i was waiting for processing emotions. It's like a skyfailing realizination , the things you said. Thank you Dr.k! I was struggling to process emotions.
I never thought I'd cry watching this video. Just found your channel and I love your content. I'm a father of two young girls and I want to be a good dad for them. I think you'll help me achieve that better. Thanks!
Fascinating! This video just made me realize the missing piece to my worry period. I have been pretty angry at myself and have wondered for a while, but now I know why. Throughout my high school I pretty much repressed all of my feelings in an effort to not get hurt by peers (like bullies and whatnot) but due to trauma I hid it from myself. What you said about feeling that sadness upon realizing what beliefs caused it makes so much sense. Half of my school life was a complete lie and I'm angry at myself and I guess I'm grieving that, because I can't believe they did this and I let it happen.
I am not a gamer and never have been but I'm really glad I found your channel. I've been ruminating a lot recently on these ideas and I really appreciate the clarity your perspective has them.
This is your most important video. The lesson learned in this applies to so many different areas in life. For me, that’s anxiety- this similar lesson was taught in your anxiety video as well. God daaamn Dr K everyone should watch this video. You the man
Thank you so much for this video. I have been thinking about this the last minutes and there is so much stuff that resurfaced from my childhood that I have never really thought about. I tucked away a lot of experiences I had under "bullying" so I never really had to think about what actually happened to me, I could just think "Yeah I was bullied" without thinking about the specifics and move on, but so much of my lack of confidence comes from those experiences. I guess I've got some work to do.
How do you know it was the bullying and not a genetic propensity? How do you know you weren’t already anxious, which caused you to be bullied to begin with, and then went on to catastrophise the experience because you were already disposed to be threat sensitive to begin with. Think!
@@dresdenvisage Thanks! I feel like this realization really has changed something inside me. I made good progress before but somehow I feel like this was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to put in place. I already feel so insanely much more confident simply because of the realization that it is something external that happened to me and not something internal within me.
@@domninin You might consider trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which teaches us how to notice the thoughts behind our feelings and reframe thoughts based on untrue beliefs we may have.
School really fu**ed me up. I was always that calm, silent kid who got into trouble because of who I was. And I also was afraid to open up to someone because I would get beat up again.
I’d say what helped my confidence wasn’t to put pressure on myself to think I’m amazing, but to give myself the same respect I tend to give others. Especially if you’re a people pleaser, it’s kind of baffling how we tend to overlook so many flaws within others yet it’s easy to criticize yourself for the smallest ones. Once I was aware of this, it’s gotten easy to be confident in myself as I no longer put others on a pedestal. Lastly, understanding that a lot of confident people actually had to undergo different kinds of failures and experiences before they got to that point. For me, lack of confidence used to come from the fear of what might happen if I do something. Watching lots of successful people talk about failure and how it actually helped them was what allowed me to start making more decisions and not letting failure be a deterrent.
Pure gold again. They way Dr K presents this helpful information in such a practical way always astonishes me. Deep thanks for that, you literaly make peoples lifes better with that free knowledge
I used to have no confidence, then I started medication for ADHD and now I am pretty confident. Turns out that if your mind isn't constantly thinking about 20 things at once and you can actually focus it's a lot easier
@@yuri-hw1jd if it helps at all I didn't notice much of a difference in amount of thoughts when I had the right dose.. But the kind of thoughts changed. I was overall less stressed out because as things came off my todo list suddenly that wasn't a huge weight making me think I'm wrecking my life and everyone's and letting everyone down etc etc, a couple of the "I need to do that or else I'm an evil awful failure" thoughts get replaced with "ok that's done, maybe food?"
Are you going to be on the meds for the rest of your life? this is why I do not want to get prescribed anything because I don’t want to take a pill to feel normal
@@eridiance9818 hell yeah i can finally have a life Ive been miserable for 25 years with a decade of therapy, aint no way ill ever function without meds Would you let your heart explode instead of taking beta blockers? Or die from cancer instead of doing chemo?
@@eridiance9818 probably. I too would like to not have to take a pill to feel "normal". I'd like to also not wear glasses to be able to see, though, so c'est la vie. I read somewhere that "if you can't make your own neurotransmitters, storebought is fine." The pills saved my life, but I know people who don't take them because they have carved a lifestyle around it. My symptoms are bad, and I can't often work out, but I have a lot of heady work, so I take them.
After hearing the whole story about 'gaining insecurity', I'm starting to look at things from a different angle. I have indeed, gained a ton of insecurities over the years, and while some of them went away (for example I'm no longer afraid that I'll never finish university), some just made a camp and haven't left to this day. I guess what made some of these insecurities go away is the fact that i was somehow able to prove to myself that what i thought wasn't real. Probably by achieving some results! The ones that are still here... well, i haven't been able to prove them wrong. For example, every time i fail to get into a romantic relationship just reaffirms the insecurities i have regarding that. I don't see anything good in there, any kind of lesson to be learned, i just see that i suck and am too unfit for whatever regular people do. So the older i get, the more severe the insecurity gets because i still have no experience. I will hopefully find my way out in due time, I'm working on it and honestly the most difficult thing right now is to stop looking at every situation in a negative light. I think when i succeed in that, that i can truly start living life.
I've been there too, in regards to dating. I thought I would die of old age without experiencing my first kiss. Now I'm doing a lot better, having had plenty experience and currently dating the love of my life. I ended up losing my virginity at age 23, so being late doesn't mean you're doomed. While I can't deny a huge part of it was just having a physical glow-up (growing taller, using accutane and working out), I'd say another part of it is to realize that dating is not an advanced game, there's no special meta you need to figure out. It's the same "equation" to solve as getting someone to like you as a friend. Once you realize that, you partly get over the fear of "am I doing something wrong?". Just try to make the girl like you as if she were a cool dude you liked. "Then how do you progress from friendship to the next stage". Honestly, for guys like us, especially you who's at a stage of low confidence, I suggest to find an outgoing "cool" girl you like and let her take the initiative. For me, taking initiative never worked that well unless the girl was super shy, or until after I gained some confidence through dating experience. If you've never had a girl take initiative before, I can only say: work out, get a good sense of style, keep being a cool intelligent non-toxic dude who watches Dr. K, and focus on girls in your "looks range". It's no garuantee, and may take some time until something happens, but I think it's your best shot.
I would also add to what the other commenter said - getting into a relationship isn’t a litmus test for your self worth. Being lonely sucks and I get wanting to have a partner, but there are plenty of horrible people IN relationships and plenty of good people who are single. It’s not a reflection on you as a person. Most people I know just stumbled into relationships naturally. Just surround yourself with other single women (or men, if that’s what you’re into) and a connection will happen eventually.
This made me remember back when I used to meditate about year ago. I'd put these 15 min guided meditation videos and at the time I didn't really addressed it, but now I really understand the focus these people did around the idea that we were already perfect from the start, we just have to let go of the bad things we learned along the way. Many people keep telling me to "just go and do it". Just go out and ask a girl out. Just get a job! But I didn't manage it, and the idea didn't sit well with me. "Is that really the only way? To face it?" I'd think. Just this change of mindset is already helping a TON to me. It's a way more satisfying idea to think about it as "I actually was always confident and in fact I still AM confident deep down, I just have to process my problems and emotions to bring it to the surface and show it" instead of "I have to FACE this part of me, in order to BECOME more confident, because right now I'm not, I lack it". And this applies for other things. "I am already beautiful". "I am already smart". "I will achieve my dreams". "I am lovable"... You know, perfection doesn't really exist, but ironically I do think we are already perfect in a way. We just have to overcome our own limitations.
When I started the video, I was thinking that the confidence issue doesn't apply to me all that much since I'm pretty confident in my social interactions but then as I watched more of the video, it just hit me that holy shit, this actually does apply to me all too well. I remember a specific instance when I was a teenager when a friend of mine told me that my smile doesn't look nice in photos and that really scarred me and it's made me terrified of the camera to this day, about six years later. I'm thinking about using Dr.K's advice and journaling about this event and my emotions, I'll update on what I learn along the way!
What I found to be helpful is reminding myself that I am "just" a human being, with good traits and weaknesses. Like everyone else. But at least I care to be a better person, whereas many apparently self-confident people are either pretending or are aggressive a-holes. All in all I'm not that bad at all, and I can and will be better (which IMHO means being kinder and articulate in thinking and speaking). We don't need to earn a right to be alive and worthy of love. It's included in the package since we were born!
I believe confidence is an illusion. When we see a confident person it’s not that they have something we don’t. It’s that we hold heavy shame/insecurities and we react negatively to that, the confident person doesn’t. To not only know your capabilities but to know anything you put your mind to will work out, no matter the time or effort it takes
The next level to that is to accept that even when you put your mind to something, it may NOT work out, because there are things beyond your control. And to accept that it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, that simply trying is great, and that it's okay for things not to work out.
I wouldn't necessarily say an illusion but I mostly agree. I'd say it's more of a privilege. We always love to associate it with things we did because it's better for our ego but usually it's just the end result of how our experiences brought us up. If you've been abused, bullied, mistreated and taken advantage of in the past, I'd consider anyone telling you to be confident insane. Meanwhile the people usually saying these things have had some kind of luck (non-abusive parents, good social circle, healthy support network, good relationship experience, successful therapy, positive experiences etc.) that they won't acknowledge over 'that one time they learned how to play guitar'. It's a pretty depressing concept that just shines how much of our society really is sink or swim in nature. This video is obviously incel/dating related so to use that as an example; Out of everything, most would agree that confidence is king when it comes to being attractive so that means that everyone is being selected for not having been traumatized growing up. That means that you are actively being rejected/dismissed/ignored by dating prospects BECAUSE you, for example, had abusive parents which lead you to be too insecure to get a date/get laid. Maybe the term 'chadsplaining' does have some merit to it.
This blew my mind. I was bullied in school since I was 10 after relocating, it started just for being the English kid. Over time every part of my body, personality and identity was criticized constantly, every day. This could take a while, but at least I have a good idea where to start now.
Anybody else just in a place where you don't even remember how you got there? It could've been any of the million experiences I had that made me the way I am I can't seem to pin point these "nuggets"
this video is actually quite beautiful on a very human level. you are truly helping so many people and in reaction, making the world a better place. thank you Dr. K.
This is such a mindblowing revelation for me. Why was i NEVER TAUGHT THIS? This makes SO much sense when i reflect on my earlier life. Why is this NOT TAUGHT TO US??
I'm gonna post this comment before watching this video, then I'll compare what I said to what Dr. K said. I'm still not as confident as I wish I was, but the way I gained the confidence that I do have was by faking it. I pretended to be confident during puberty and as time progressed I realized how my insecurities and social anxiety were just in my mind, and so the more I put myself out there the more confident I became. Edit after watching: yeah I guess I was able to process my feelings on my own, but watching this video helped me understand how I can get over insecurities more related to my career than with my social life. Also it helped me see what my insecurities really are about. Thanks Dr. K!
Trauma likely lies on a spectrum of intensity. When I was growing up, sometimes people at school talking to me would react negatively to me about my stuttering, like telling me to stop doing it. I’ve already gone back and looked at it from their perspective and formed a healthier way to conceptualize those negative events, but it’s one of the many things that and contributed to my reluctance to interact with people or get a job It’s not on the same intensity as sexual or physical trauma, but it can have some form of psychological impact. These days I don’t even stutter much at all, but it was one factor growing up. I’m certainly open to reflecting on other forms of trauma relating to task performance
Yup. I have some too, but it's much better learned from my girlfriend's case. She is very unconfident about herself, her actions and looks and thinks a lot about what other people would think about it. She stress and worry a lot too. And in reality she has no real reason to, she is very capable, smart, beautiful and kind, she is not perfect, of course, but really amazing. She is going to theraphy and we tried to get to why and it all points out to her mother's parenting. Every single thing, insecurity and complex, all of it, is definetely up to her. She is trying her best to do what she can about it, but it's very hard to see yourself as beautiful when you are told you are not. And she was like 9/10 beautiful as a child and young adult, really amazing. And a lot of other stuff like this. What Dr.K talks about in this video is 100% on point.
Thank you so much Dr K. I think this is your best video so far, and I learnt so much from it. I have always struggled with confidence since primary school, and had so many wrong ideas about 'gaining confidence' like you talk about. This came at the perfect time for me, and I know I can look back on this video and this comment one day from a completely different place. Thank you!
To "gain" confidence I simply walk, alone, around my neighborhood. It may sound funny, but it feels very good to feel that I can walk! and I can do it very well. Also it helps to deal with emotions.
I've watched almost all of your videos but this one was the one I needed the most, Guess timing is also important. Thank you for making these amazing videos ❤
I'll admit here that I'm not a gamer.. so it's interesting that I found this channel.. but despite not being a gamer I always really liked psychology.. and picology I always liked it.. so it makes sense that I found it. . I don't know if anyone will read it.. but I felt like sharing a bit of my story as I've always had issues with trust.. And apparently I'm part of the manoria that can't remember ever being confident.. At school my little self-confidence was so extreme that even though I studied all day I still thought I would fail the tests.. I never felt prepared.. Even when I was a child of 4.5 years old, I was afraid of everything.. I was even afraid of doing somersaults.. Every time I try to do something new, my first thought is that I won't succeed.. I remember that at 6, 7 years old classmates would go to my desk to show that their grades were better than mine and that they would be smarter.. even when I improved my grades I didn't consider myself smart.. because it was like I had to study three times as much as other people to get the same results.. taking better grades than elws.. so my friends, who were already few, I perf di all.. I then concluded that friendships weren't for me.. and I stopped trying to get close to anyone.. even friendship.. so I stopped trying at age 12.. and I went years without even trying.. so I really missed the boat.. |Even at home.. my parents treated me as if I were less capable.. I think that's why my brother once said: "If I was as dumb as Lu (me) nobody would ask me to do anything" I had trouble finding a job because how could I convince someone that I was the right person for the job if I wasn't convinced of it.. I only got it when I was 31. my first job. In my 20s I was really insecure about buying clothes by myself and my mom had to be with me all the time... even though I was technically an adult. And in my 20s I only had virtual friendships.. I only learned to do things on my own when I left my parents' house... and I only managed to do that when I was 31... because before that my economic dependency was total... I felt like sharing
As long as I remember my childhood I was abused and insecure, I only remember some nuggets of confidence, but mostly sadness and hating myself, hating the fucking world. I am more confident now than when I was a child, but I still have lot's of insecurities even when I seemed confident on the outside. But the more I learn how brain works with Dr. K and his guides, the more I blossom. Thanks doc❤
Yes right. I needed to let go of my trauma to retrieve the core essence that I am. The "I am" is initially pure love, pure light, pure confidence, absolutely fearless. But we all, at the kindergarten, came across stupid children who bullied us and made us look for morons although we were not. That's the human game. Outwitting the imbecility of others is the key. Not easy but It's worth trying. The "I am" isn't the trauma, isn't the shame. And the question is : Who are the others? Are they better than me? No. They will die the same anyway therefore there is no need to panic. At the end of the movie everybody dies.
This is brilliant! Mind changing. It explains so much. I have few clear memories of early childhood (I do recall feelings of absolute fear and confusion, though). I can now recollect a time when I was confident and determined. And then there's a gap, and then I can recall doubting myself and feeling bad. I guess I've buried the key memories, but I also realise there was a lot of drip, drip, drip neglect and abuse I do know that I often bring my childhood reactions into contemporary life, but this then gives me clues as to what happened in childhood
One of the main problems with confidence (in my opinion) is that most of us are confident in a lot of aspects, but there are 2 or 3 aspects of ourselves that we arent confident at ALL.
Growing your confident is one thing, but accepting your flaws its also important. For example me, i know im not the best in social skills, making new friends, i never gonna give a speech in front of crowds and many more... But you can't be good with everything, some people are better with something and worse in other things
I teared up watching this video. I didn't think I had trauma because my circumstances were not extreme; kids were generally treating me ok, I had nice parents and while I did have intensely sad moments, I didn't think they were enough; I had little abuse, abandonment, neglect or bullying, but I still felt broken. And yet reviewing the sad moments led me to actually process them and feel the shame and self-isolation that I imposed myself and that just opened the floodgates for me. And yes, all the techniques I've picked up, trying to build discipline, trying to be with other people, psychotherapy, they all very incrementally moved the needle, so that I notice my confidence going up, while still feeling broken.
i love the way dr k breaks this down!!! it makes so much sense. i have a question though; are anxiety and lack of confidence the same thing? for example, i find myself always being anxious at school. i am intelligent and do well in school. i have good time management skills and i am very passionate about the program/subject matters at my university. but whenever i have a project, i get super anxious even tho ik my track record has showed me that i’ve done well.
Confidence is the easiest thing to master once you learned one simple trick : don't give a sh1t about other people. What they do, what they think, how they are ecc...
Confidence is about having value, from what you can do and what you intrinsically are. When you're young and learning how the world works, feel valuable when other people signal acceptance and approval of you. As you get a sense for reality and your values, living up to those values can enable you to be an even stronger source of approval for yourself. You can develop confidence by being exceptional in things that other people approve and admire -- superficial appearance, money, power, prestige, charisma, normality but for a few quirks that make you harmlessly interesting. But, even if you win, you will always be competing directly with a lot of people desperate to please each other. Desperate people are dangerous, and they are rarely happy. You can also develop a confidence that doesn't depend on other people. You do this by developing a rock solid understanding of your ideals and values, and growing to live up to them. You are the arbiter of goodness and quality, and you determine how well you are adhering to those ideals. If you are disciplined, and intellectually honest about yourself, you will get the skills, character, and intrinsic value you truly admire. I think it's nigh-impossible to *not* grow in value and confidence under those driving circumstances.
This video is absolutely mindblowing and completly changed my perspective. Still I am trying to figure out, how we should deal with bullying which is based on physical appearance? Thats certainly a trauma nugget of mine. If you are overweight as a kid and get made fun of, you can't tell yourself that you are not overweight. It's just the reality. But how to let go of the insecurity regarding your physical appearance? How can we reframe that?
yep, it feels like this video is made for people who actually have false ideas about things, so sure you could have false ideas about what people think about your body, but the trauma coming from something real is harder to overcome.
I get this is an old comment but here's a thought: there is nothing inherently wrong with being "overweight" (whatever that means... overweight according to who?). Where the insecurity is to be addressed is in this question: What beliefs does the individual have about themself based on the fact that they are "overweight"? There is some sort of judgment about weight that can be addressed if there is an insecurity. There are plenty of people out there who are on the heavy side when it comes to weight, yet confident because of the meaning they assign to an otherwise benign attribute.
Thanks alot! The moment my sister told me about period of time of which i even dont remember, i started to feel bad, wanna cry etc. Probably it was it. I still dont remember this moment completely, but when i start to imagine what happend, i wanna cry. I feel littel bit better, there is alot of work ahead, but hopefully it will help me to solbe issue with my luck of self confidence ❤
I can say that i never was confident. As far back as kindergarden i was always insecure. So if i was confident one day I have lost it a very long time ago. 22 and it's slowly coming back to me now, tho.
I realized over time that confidence doesn't just come from what you learn, it also comes from what you don't learn, in a weird sense. Picking up healthy habits overall has improved my confidence
Exactly! People think that simply getting out there is directly related to confidence, when in reality it's not.
Also it does come from many sources but I would say it’s trust and acceptance in one’s self even if your skinny or fat you are still confident despite the situation you just are lik if your a boy your a boy you don’t look for other things you just are
making my weiner bigger with a rigorous jelqing routine has made my confidence bigger too
so,,, isnt picking up healthy habits something that you have learned?
Stop this cope
100% true. My grandma has dementia, she lost all memories about her past failures in life. She even can't wipe her arse, but omg she has more confidence in her actions than Tony Robbins.
If I'd list all the instrument that I play. I'd feel like I'd be bragging too much. I'm not confient.
@@Skoopyghost this only means one thing, unlearn them all now
Roflmao God bless you guys
Joe Biden vibes
@@hatoftricks7132 💀
TLDR- Helping dogs with confidence issues helped me with mine.
The reference to dogs is wonderful. I have worked with dogs for over 15 years and working with them has helped ME probably more than some of the therapies I have tried. Puppies are born confident. While some may be more timid or less social, they still have a sense of confidence. It all comes down to teaching a dog who has lost confidence because of abuse, neglect or any other reason that what they are afraid of won't harm them. There is obviously a difference for us humans since we process things differently and can draw out ideas or imagine things about the future. Dogs simply know they were hurt or scared by something, so they don't want to be hurt or scared by it again. As a result, I simplified my fears, insecurities, and anxiety to think about it the way dogs think, and I used the tools that I use to get dogs out of this state of mind (by not coddling the fear, but making things fun that were once scary or demonstrating to them that no matter what I ask them to do, they will be safe if they trust me) and I was able to work through a lot of things my brain could never work through with its complex processing method. Dogs also taught me SO MUCH about forgiveness, living in the present, and really appreciating the little things. My confidence was found by helping dogs to find their confidence again.
hey could you tell me how i can show my dog that random noises in my apartment or neighbours coming home isn't dangerous and scary?
Amazing!!
whooolesome!!
sorry im high on mdma
@@theoofsweden lmao
That was about 5 years of therapy in 20 minutes.
Awesome truths.
The beginning comment is wilddddd "confidence is default, you gain insecurity", which im sure comes right from his monk days. In fact most religion says the same (I.e. you're born perfect). But it's actually wild to think the question isn't, what more do you need of something, it's always, what the hell is in the way of you already being it...
The knowledge and information you get from outside are helpful.
But if you actually get to that point with your own thoughts it’s so much more enlightening🙏🏻
I can’t even count how many times I cried and got goosebumps because I truly realized stuff through my own thoughts, even thought I already heard or got told the exact same things hundreds of times.
This feeling is just absolutely amazing💪
@@ElectricDubZz that is true understanding. Keep seeking my friend.
@@Pimpjit85 Exactly, like Adam and Eve didn't know right from wrong and didn't feel self-conscious about being naked in the garden in the beginning. Kids also act the same way until around age 13, as the Bible says
Caroline Winkler (an interior design youtuber) said something that really helped me shift my perspective on confidence when she said something to the effect of "Confidence isnt always about thinking you're great all the time, sometimes confidence is just trying to show up as your authentic self." I feel like too often we try to mold our personalities into something we think other people will like when in reality we just need to be ourselves. Plus it takes the pressure off of feeling like we constantly need to love ourselves all the time
i love caroline!! shes the GOAT.
Omg yes! This video plus Caroline's video on confidence has been SOOO insightful and very helpful
It’s nearly impossible to be confident by someone else’s metric,
It has to be by your own
Omg this is so true! Alongside with this video this really is gold!!!! You literally said what I really needed to hear at this point! So thankyou for that❤❤
Embracing (accepting) our shadow side is key. (Carl Jung’s core teaching).
Accepting that we’re just a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses (LIKE EVERY OTHER SINGLE HUMAN BEING on this planet).
When I take this perspective it liberates and empowers me to work on my weakness because my starting point is self-compassion ie I have this trait I want to improve on and it’s OK to have it - I can work on it 😃. I’m not a bad person, I’m actually ‘good’ AND I’m deeply flawed. Just like everyone.
That also encompasses growth mindset (Carol Dweck).
Edit:
The shadow is all the things I reject and don’t like about myself - the “dark” qualities.
It’s when we reject our shadow elements that we get into strife. We hide them, deny them, ignore them, feel ashamed, judge ourselves etc It can confuse our identity because we don’t know how to conceptualise ourselves (ie am I a “good person” or a “bad person” ?)
Trauma can have a huge impact on how you perceive yourself. Your self esteem gets processed through your external world without that internal value filter. That's seriously what I went through. I couldn't grade my worth anymore based on who I was before. All of a sudden it's like my value was erased. I find comfort in friendship, but I catch that devalued energy and I get scared. I start worrying if im still loved. Life is hard to navigate now, and I'm just trying to grow and adapt. 😭
This seems very relevant for people who deal with social anxiety. The standard treatment seems to be putting people into the social situations they are afraid of (behavioural therapy). But in my experience it mainly helps you to get used to everyday life situations while not really adressing the special situations in your life in which you kinda have to be the best version of yourself, like dates and job interviews. For those situations it's important to actually feel comfortable in your own skin.
Agree! CBT has helped me to "function" better on a day to day level, but without examining the root cause more in depth and consciously, it is a bandaid over a deep wound that will continue to cause distress. CBT can be massively helpful for some and maybe all they need, but for me, without doing trauma work that re-examines the root and deals with it at its beginning, the pain will not resolve and the negative self image will remain under a "better-functioning" surface.
Maybe I should do therapy before haveing a coach as I can't help but wonder if I have bpd but with family it's complicated so idk exactly what to do
Can confirm!
I never feel comfortable in my own skin. There's always a flaw I have to correct.
You can definitely fake confidence in operant settings like dates and job interviews but addressing you’re core issues is the healthiest and more stress free option in the long run
Epitectus' "If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." Makes a lot more sense given the idea that confidence is only lost, rather than gained. If you throw out the insecurity of starting something new, then you have less opportunities to grow insecurities
Part of the sadness that comes up, as well as being a tragedy that you've held a belief about yourself that wasn't true, is the fact that someone you cared about treated you like shit for no reason, and never apologized or walked it back.
I think it's quite beautiful that confidence arises once you let go of the trauma and other self-identity aspects of yourself, rather than being "achieved" by accomplishing a goal or reaching a new height. Like a treasure chest that was ignored just because it was in the attic, under a dusty set of badly stitched quilts and outgrown school jackets. It's always been there but life makes most of us forget this beauty that is inside of us.
Beyond just the psychological dynamics at play during the confidence restoration process, I am at awe at the poetic path that this takes, from ourselves into ourselves.
That whole thing about the nugget of trauma hits upon an interesting point (for me): As a kid I liked to read a lot, especially highly fantastical stories. Over time I feel like that got me cast as the "outsider" kid who didn't really vibe with the rest of the group. Fast forward a few years (and a lot of affirmation), and as a teenager I started to believe that I was just a natural lone wolf. Fast forward another few years (early 20s) and one light depressive episode later, I noticed that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm one of the "cool" kids, because my friends would just chill with me anyways. That whole insecurity about "I have to pretend to be cooler than I am to fit in" just...disappeared over a handful of weeks, because my friends helped me unlearn that pattern of thought that I hadn't even really considered as "wrong".
That being said, talking to strangers at parties or other social events is still fucking weird and will probably require a bunch more unlearning - but progress was made and that genuinely dragged me out of a dark place back when.
Congrats bro, im in a same situation, I thought i was gonna kms when i was a teen due to loneliness and isolation, and now im 22 things kinda went smooth sailing in terms of approaching and meeting new people and having social connections.
This is funny, I remember alwaya thinking I'm not a cool kid and not a populat person, and I accepted the "lone wolf"thing and just started to always befriend the other lonely person in a new environment and give every other "lone wolf" a small circle of supportive people to be with. I never realized how many friends I got until my ex pointed out to me that I don't get his struggle because he doesn't have as many friends as I do and he's not popular like me. I just said "no I'm not popular either" and then kinda realized I have a lot of friends but I was still there thinking I'm the weird loner, and deep down I will never stop feeling like that's who I am, hell. My entire motivation to collect people that seem lonely is because I know what that is like.
@@godwinyo5206 How did you improve and manage to make things better ? I feel like I’m stuck in isolation and have no idea how to get out
@@godwinyo5206 You stop hiding parts of yourself that you think other people will judge you for...
I think it's coming to terms with the parts of our mind that we developed to avoid. I still feel that sudden rush of self-consciousness around certain people I see that seem so confident. The thing is we all have insecurities growing up and the ability to get over that is a mind game-- not tolerating the bullshit people have already or will inevitably sling at you (what are their intentions & how ignorant are they) so that we can meander through ourselves to awaken to better things; our confident nature.
@@reyyy8805 Binder donedat.
You know there is a gem of knowledge within you.
You could probably sense it however briefly or vaguely throughout some moments in your life...
You slowly have to dig through the pile of shit that is your subconscious mind, to get there. Well, it is techniquely within your grasp right now, but you have that the pile of shit that keeps showing up.
So, you have to figure out on your own now how to pull back the layers of fear that seem to define who you are.
Dig through it slowly and methodically until you come to the point where you and life just flow with existence.
Ever since I started watching healthy gamer, I actually get kind of excited when I experience negative emotions because I recognize them as opportunities to grow stronger mentally.
This video floored me as someone who has been recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADHD. I was bullied since I was 6 after getting sexually assaulted so I was terrified growing up. In my diagnosis they also detailed that I have 0 self esteem. Therapy definitely helps, but I can confidently say(lol) this video has helped me frame my mind so much better about understanding the sum of my scars and how it affects me every day. I truly thought once that I moved past this trauma from my childhood into my teen years but I realize now that I haven't; I just didn't understand how it affects me to this day. I still believe those horrible things people said to me, as hard as it is to admit that. Taking back your life isn't going to happen overnight, but taking a step, even if it's just a small one, is progress nonetheless.
If you're reading this, you have value. You are worth it. You are not what people think and say about you. Stay strong for you, not for anyone one else. ❤
As someone with major depressive disorder and ADHD, I can relate to being bullied, I know how awful it is to experience. Nobody deserves to be bullied or assaulted and it takes a lot of courage to speak about these experiences. It’s very true that taking back your life doesn’t happen overnight, I like what you said about small steps and not letting what people think determine your value, I kinda needed that🖤
God bless you, buddy! I hope you get better
Dr. K and HG continuing to be THE online mental health resource available out there. The way Dr. K approaches issues such as insecurity and relationships is so refreshing because he challenges our preconceived notions about self-help topics and adds extremely valuable insights (in this video, for example, he changes 'gaining confidence' to 'unlearning insecurity'; 'what makes it hard to be confident?' vs. 'How to be confident').
I don't know exactly what it is, but HG just feels so much more insightful and personal than typical mental health advice out there.
Jordan Peterson is very wise as well.
The level of insight they have if we are willing to listen is beyond most people's current level of knowledge and consciousness. \
We can reach that level of insgiht and autonomy ourselves, too.
I would like this but it has 69 likes and I'm not gonna break it.
hello, may i know who is HG you are talking about?
@@nathanwarner3383 healthyganer (dr.k the person, and healthygamer the channel)
Same observation, I've never seen anyone on RUclips approach confidence issues and give solutions like this. Usually you'd see advice like: walk this way, don't look down when walking, speak this way, etc, advice that could be useful to people who have small dips of confidence, but are useless to people who have more deeply rooted insecurities, which need to be addressed first.
This video is truly eye opening!
What has helped me: it is my obligation to go after what I want. No matter how I view myself. Why? Because if you supress your wants and needs, you will subconsciensusly go after something that looks barely of what you want but never be satsified and will hurt people in the process.
Go after what you want with open and honest intentions.
Its your duty.
How you feel about yourself will evolve overtime.
You’ve really helped in teaching me to accept myself, and helped me see life in a new perspective. Love what you do for the community and me.
the idea of confidence the default and insecurities being learned is such an underrated insight, i'm bringing that to anyone i know who feels insecure. thanks, Dr. Alok "Wetbutt" Kanojia
I like the idea that confidence is not something given to you externally but rather something you give yourself whether surviving something difficult or improving upon the person you were before. Speaking or acting confidently is not about being the loudest voice or the showing off but rather talking and acting where you are most needed because you know nothing will threaten your position.
Other people cannot give you confidence. They can give gratitude, love, shame, but never confidence. It is your ability to stand amidst the tide of their criticisms that will hone your confidence.
What you're calling "confidence" here is actually self-esteem, if its internal and self-given as you say, because confidence to me is inherently external. But semantics aside, I agree with what you've said.
General rule of thumb; if you have to convince someone you have something then you don’t have it for real.
@@JustaMomentinTime nah, there are a lot of people who are narcisists and jelous of what you can do and will still call you useless no matter how much you outclass them
@@xLuis89x True that. It takes a degree of knowledge and empathy to see the effort someone puts into what they do in order to deconstruct it properly and find what's missing. Those rare egocentric personalities that lack commitment to their own ideals will, rather than construct a solid reasonable criticism, use logical fallacy as a cheap solution to dance around the actual problem while turning it on the opposition or leaving it unanswered. It does get more convoluted than that as there are more traits to narcissism than bad critiques but its a good indicator of bad influence.
This video completly changed the way I look at confidence. It's true. You are totally unskilled as a little child but so full of motivation, confidence, joy and intrinsic ambition. As many videos of you show, Dr. K., we should observe children's behaviour more often and try to reconnect with that internal child of ourselves again. :)
Thank you for that enriching change of perspective!
I spent years trying to make myself confident but all I could ever do was put on an act of confidence, it wasn’t until after I burnt out of trying and took some time to myself to really face my insecurities head on that I finally understood what real confidence actually feels like. I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, it really is so freeing to finally let it go, would reccomend.
wait, how did you do that?
I need answers bro
Bro is now too confident to answer the comments
Legit mind blown at how much sense this makes and how obvious it seems when explained this way. However, in practice I’ve always thought of it as “gaining confidence”. This changes everything
What's helped me:
1. Work out and make slow progress
2. Hone a craft and make slow progress
Emphasis on the slow progress. I wasn't confident in myself two years ago but it's not easy at all and it can escape you. Genuinely curious what helped other people
What craft did you work on? I really want to pick up a hobby that isn't just consuming.
What helped me the most was working through the anxiety and realizing I had an anxiety problem that required professional help. I echo your thought though, allowing yourself to progress slowly helped me gain confidence as well
@@elpsykongroo5660Commentating esports but it's occasional, I used to practice alone watching VODs and record myself. It was cringe but once I finally did offline events, I was great from the get-go
@@kunstderfugueYeah I've been medicated for almost five years now. Determining what's medical and what's self-help is important but they're often intertwined
@@elpsykongroo5660 I recommend thinking about what you enjoy. One can categorize hobbies roughly by "making physical things", "making virtual things", "going places", "competing vs yourself", competing vs other people" etc. Examples would be woodworking, art, hiking, speedrunning, football respectively. Once you know what broad category you want to delve into, it'll be easier to find something you may enjoy. Or if that seems daunting, at least try to figure out which categories you definitely don't want to do. Best of luck!
As someone who grew up in with an a very toxic and emotionally abusive father, a little bit of bullying in school and sadly experincing a lot of workplace bullying and now have CPTSD this is right on the money about confidence and trauma eroding it away. This helps as someone still hunting for a good trauma therapist.
I'm three minutes in and you've already blown my mind. Thank you for doing this channel, it's really good that you're advertising this sort of advice to gamers as many of us tend to struggle with mental illness, underconfidence and intense social rejection anxiety.
This made me realise that i've never been confident. I was always a very anxious, nervous child huh
I am not confident. But I learn to act like a confident guy.
I would say that most of the problem stems from the immediate aftermath of traumatic experiences in the past. Let's imagine you've been bullied in school with 13. It made you so insecure back then that you started to become the "quiet kid" if even in only one setting. Your negative beliefs could then get ingrained deeper day after day every time you were in the same setting (e.g. school). At that point, it's not an inaccurate belief anymore because you really WERE the quiet insecure kid, you just didn't have to be because the trigger was somewhat random. I would argue that for those cases (and I think that's most cases) going back to singular experiences doesn't solve the problem, it has to be that hard painful process of collecting new positive experiences through being brave in the exact situations that trigger you.
I think in such a case you have to tell yourself that it was not your fault. That it was not you, why you got to be the quiet kid. I know blaming is not good either, but maybe the bullies also did not know better or even you, nobody is perfect, especially young people. So you have to forgive them and yourself. But I think that is really difficult, idk maybe some other video from Dr. K explains forgiving someone, because I think that is a pretty common problem, especially in abusive relationships that you cannot forgive the other and you keep the grudge and cannot let go. I think it also has to do with regret, that you lost your time, which makes it harder to do so.
Just my thoughts I had in mind.
Dr. K actually acknowledged that your technique called exposure therapy do work for a lot of people. This is just an alternative if it doesn't work for you when you just keep getting retraumatized.
I think the problem actually starts when you get convinced that something neutral about you is actually wrong and make you unworthy of love and respect. Especially true when you got bullied for something like reserved personality, race, accent, financial status etc. When you get convinced those traits are actually bad, you'd start coming up with unhealthy coping mechanisms to make them less noticable.
In my case, i got bullied for being ugly. I ended up coping by locking up myself at home and applying make up everytime i go out. I thought about going out w no makeup to build confidence. Sometimes i'd be lucky and realize barely anyone cares about other people they crossed path with. But sometimes I'd end up meeting people confirming I'm indeed unconventional looking and being rude to me. Can't talk or think straight for the entire day when those days happens. Just trauma all over again. A turning point happened when I started reflecting and realized how I internalized " I don't look normal = I deserve to be insulted when I show them my face.. " I was crying talking to my inner child self that it was not and will never be my fault if people treats me badly. If I haven't done Dr. K's advice I would've been stuck in a loop of retraumatizing myself to anxiety. Now when im back doing the exposure therapy you're suggesting, I'm now equipped with the right mindset that "it's a reflection of other's personality if i ever get insulted and it will never be my fault for just being myself" and now i dont spiral down as bad anymore as i once did.
tldr dr k didn't deny the need for exposing yourself to the trigger overtime. That's why he said it would take practice. I think your's and dr k's goes hand in hand.
Gaining confidence can be a huge struggle for some people, including myself. It really takes a whole lot of time and patience to overcome your external and internal fears.
@@agrippa1772 fr
You choice what you fear
Thanks
Agreed. True confidence isn't about gaining, but unlearning insecurity rooted in past traumas. Addressing these emotional scars from our past, re-contextualizing them, and understanding their influence can lead us back to our natural, confident selves.
This is unironically now become one of the most important videos for me as so much of myself has been restrained by insecurity that kept me from returning to my default state of being.
Confidence is a process which involves many steps.
- Internal dialogue. The way you talk to yourself heavily impacts your self esteem. If you keep thinking things like "i don't know why i even try" "i always fail", "i am a loser", "im an idiot", "i suck with women", "someone like me does not deserve to be liked or loved by women"... All of those thigns you say to yourself in your head will make your less confident in a steady manner. Because you are basically being a bad friend to yourself. If you talked like that to your friends when they fail, they would tell you to fuck off because you are making them feel even more shitty about themsleves. But when you do it with yourself you allow it, you keep attacking yourself and that destroys any self esteem you may have left.
- Self acceptance. The problem is not having flaws. The problem is not accepting yourself with those flaws. You might be short, ugly, etc But the main problem here is your attitude about it. Girls are testing your character and strength. For girls the main problem is not that you are short or ugly or whatever flaw you may have, the problem is hating yoruself for having that flaw. That's what the girls notice that you are not comofrtoable in your own skin, you aren't happy with who you are. And that's what turns them off more than anything. And yes girls will test you, they will call out your flaws. If you are fat they will say "you are fat". That's because they need to see your characte, your reaction to see if you truly feel good with yourself or are insecure. The way you react changes everything, if you act with self pity, embarrasment or anger you fail with women. If you choose not to take the "attack seriously" and can see that they are just testing you, then you just joke and say something like "Honey, this body screams sex appeal". You just simply show her words don't affect you, because you choose not to take yourself seriously. You simply are happy being fat and you know they aren't really insulting you, but testing you. I don't take seriously any tests of my character because it's all a game for me. And when girls see that they quit the tests and stop being comfortable around you.
- Accepting rejection and not basing your worh on it. The problem is you assume rejection = I'm worthless/inadaquate/loser... This makes you highly insecure since you based your worth on someone else's judgment of yourself, a judgment that carries more weight than the judgment you have on yourself. You don't know your worth or you don't even appreciate your worth, so you base your worth based on what other people decides has value. As if their word was law, as if their criteria was the correct way to measure value, and your own criteria was the incorrect one. Why do you assume a person you know nothing about has a better criteria than you? What makes her qualified to have a better criteria? Nothing, and yet you let her opinion or judgement affect you emotionally. I choose my own criteria and i decide that everything about me is worth a lot, and if others don't see that, i simply assume their criteria is bad. You may think this is a delusion, but you are also deluding yourself if you think their criteria is better than yours when you know nothign about them. So if you are gonna delude yourself, at least delude yourself in a way that benefits you.
- Rejection doesnt mean you are undesirable, it just means you don't connect with someone. A girl rejecting you means you are not compatible, and that you don't connect with her emotionally or sexually. That isn't a reflectio of your worth, or desaribility score. It's absrud to imply that because not everyone you like has to like you back then that means you are not likeable. The problem however is that because you hate rejection then as soon as you get a 5 of them, then that's it. That is enough for you to determine that no one in the entire country likes you. But what happens if you learn to deal with rejection? What if you learn to not take it personal so that it no longer affects you? What if getting rejected did not carry any emotional weight on you as if you offered them a chewing gum and rejected it because they don't like it? You would not fear rejection and you would be ok taking more chances.
- Silencing your ego. This wierd need to fit in with others, to seek their respect and approval. The need to prove yourself, your worth, your manliness, to other people. The need to project an image of success to other people. The need to make sure that you avoid rejection because then other people would think you are a loser for getting rejected, so you would rather avoid rejection than having your image that you want others to believe destroyed. Your ego wants to be equal ot others, or superior, but never inferior. Your ego cannot accept the idea that you are not as perfect as others, or as smart, or as desirable... Your ego cannot let others to think of you as inferior to them. But you are not your ego, and your needs should not be the needs of your ego. The ego is fake, it's just an abstract image you have of yoruself or which you want others to believe. It's a facade, a front, and that facade has no benefits because it's fake and fragile.
- Resilience: Every failure, every rejection is nothing but an ecperienec to learn and do better the next time. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges and adversity, and growing and learning from those rejections, failures. You need to embrace challenges with girls as opportunities for growth and learning. Rather than fairing rejection because you don't want proof that you are not worth anything, seek rejection as an opportunity to learn from the experience and improve your skills for future trials. The same way you would play a videogame. When you play a game, you fail because you are a noob at teh game, but with practice and training you become better at it and lose less times and win more often. Same goes with girls. You only become better the more you practice. Books can teach you skills which helps you to improve hence why i recommended them. And when you improve your skills with girls your results also improve, which has a positive effect on your confidence.
@@thegamingguy1 agreed, he dropped some nuggets of truth!
That was the best comment I've seen on youtube. Thank you for that.
The second paragraph, it ends with "stop being comfortable around you"... just checking, was that on purpose or was it supposed to be "*start being comfortable around you"?
ABout rejection part. What if dozens of girls rejected me and no one accepted me, what then? Hard to not think it is not your fault.
@@SwordWieldingDuck Like i said in last paragraph: Bad results can indeed be your responsibility, the point is that your worth isn’t measured by your results.
Your problem is assuming that bad results = i am worthless.
Your results can be improved, like any skill.
But you need to accept that not being good at something now doesn’t mean you are a loser for it, as being good at something requires practice and growing and failing over and over until you learn and improve your skills.
So the problem is not being rejected a dozen times, the problem is taking that as a reflection of your worth rather than taking it for what it is, a defeat in a game.
When you play a game and lose a dozen times, you don’t take that as a reflection of your worth, you don’t get depressed about your value as a man, you just accept the challenge and try to improve your skills. Same principle applies in real life.
I already did two years of CBT, so looking at those beliefs and re-evaluating them was not news for me. However, the first few sentences that you can‘t gain confidence because that would be my natural state anyways really was a lightbulb moment for me today. So far I have been feeling like running a marathon with an iron ball on, trying to reach a goal that just was impossible to reach under the given circumstances. The mental picture of having to shed something or dig something up that has been hidden is so, so much more accessible and helpful for me!
This is honestly life changing information. I feel like I have only gotten worse and worse over the years at being confident, and it's largely because I thought I just had to keep repeating difficult things over and over until they became normal. But doing those things (asking friends to hang out, going to events in public, even just going to the store) was really difficult, so most of the time I just avoid it all and don't do it. So I have been beating myself up about not doing that I understood as the only way to heal.
But this is such a good point. We are naturally confident. I remember it. And it really is all the bad things that happening piling on, echoing the same original emotions back to me and despite my logical understanding that the bad things weren't my fault, the pain is still there. I learned to integrate the bullying and shame into my own internal monologue, and now I am the one bullying myself. I know it's illogical, I know it's just that it happened so constantly that it is just the pathways my brain made. It makes it so hard to come out of the pain in the moment.
But realizing that one way to get better is acknowledging why I feel such dread when I need to do something, thinking of where it comes from, and remembering each time that it makes sense why I think that but also isn't true, is a path to healing.
So, thank you.
11:02 That hit me so hard, my eyes literally got teary. Like it's some sort realization. It's not like I didn't know it, it's just it was hard to describe properly
First time I heard it that way. If you research on confidence, be it on books, videos or articles, everyone say it has to be gained but this is the first time I heard it, that you already have it inside you but insecurity is holding it back, which in my opinion makes much more sense.
I also believe that confidence is very complex. Although you might have a basic level of confidence, which will help you in your life, you can also be confident in a few areas and insecure in some others. For example I'm confident in certain video games like Rocket League because I played a 1000 hours in it but I'm insecure in MMORPG's because these are not my type of games I love to play. My goal is to reach a basic level of confidence, that I try new stuff first, before I say I'm bad at them, because currently I'm really insecure everytime I have to do something I never did before.
I experienced this grief firsthand awhile ago. It was actually a line you said about ADHD or general mental health stuff about celebrating small wins, and how sometimes responding to a text message in a timely manner is an accomplishment. I realized that I hadn't actually allowed myself to feel like my efforts were worth celebrating or even valid for actual months. In that moment, the reality of how hard I'd actually been on myself and for how long.. came crashing down on me. I'd never ended up sobbing at work before, and thankfully I was in a vacant unit.
I had a similar experience the first time I took Adderall as an adult, and suddenly I could just do things and I was so happy... and then I was devastated, because I realized how hard everything had really been my whole life and that it didn't have to be that hard, I could have made it easier.
Really odd sensation feeling grief about something good.
You’re not grieving something good. You’re grieving the version of you that had to struggle unnecessarily. You’re grieving the realisation that it didn’t have to be so difficult for you. You’re grieving the struggling little boy inside you that needed help and no one noticed. I’ve had this experience too, mate. It’s a right fucker! But we got this now. 🤜🤛
@@MrBungle900 Yeah, its basically a newfound sympathy for the person you used to be. The realization that the person you essentially have beaten up and criticized over the smallest thing, didn't deserve any of it, makes a very special dam break. A mix of both relief and regret, like popping a nasty zit.
@@Akrilloth Yoooo... have we been bullying ourselves FOR being bullied?!?!
@@alexandramaclachlan7597 Honestly, isn't that basically the case for so many people? In the case of harassment and bullying, your own psyche eventually joined the bullies in their awful efforts.
@@MrBungle900 absolutely, friend. It was very much a "wait it didn't have to be like this the whole time?" type experience.
Thank you for discussing that last part. Something that's constantly been my experience is death by a thousand cuts. Go out, push through, breakdown eventually, and the cycle continued. I don't doubt I'll still be cut in the future but at least now I learned I can actually patch them up.
I needed to hear this as I struggle with regulating my breathing around strangers and even family members. It robs me of being in the moment of enjoyment and kills my confidence. Best advice I’ve ever heard is not to chase confidence but its to unlearn the insecurity.
This makes a ton of sense. It'd just really difficult for me to process my insecurities. Especially alone and finding a therapist that is a good fit is really difficult
100% agree on the re-traumatization part. I consumed a lot of PUA advice in my late teens and early twenties and then put myself in situations that were very, very uncomfortable for me because of my emotional baggage, but I didn't actually process anything with that approach, I just stuffed down all the anxiety and insecurity that came up because I wanted to follow the advice and come across as cool, strong, attractive etc. Also, getting positive feedback for not being yourself but putting on this kind of performance really does a number on you psychologically. Needless to say, the whole endeavour was terrible for my already shoddy self-esteem, even if it did get me some short-term success with the opposite sex sometimes.
I really should've been in therapy, but I didn't know any better at the time and was looking for a solution to my problems with the resources I had access to, and these PUA "gurus" seemed to have it. Of course I now know that these guys prey on insecure people and only care about selling you something, but desperation and naivity can make you blind to that kind of stuff.
this is why I will never take anyone that says any variant of "fake it till you make it" seriously
It makes sense and I have similar experience. Faking and suppression which lead to some success (desired reaction from people), but I wasn't processing my emotions and beliefs. So it actually slowed down my development in a way. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It was helpful to understand my situation 🙏🏻
Yeah women don’t really like being approached in a pua type of way generally so this can destroy your self esteem. I’ve turned down every man that has approached me randomly (even if I found them attractive) just out immediate fear, social anxiety and being busy
PUA is great if you don't have self esteem issues but I don't think it helps you solve them unless you were "nearly there"
@@Lilah81 You are in the minority PUA if done right is enjoyable for both parties. Of course rejection is the norm but hey comes with the territory. Guys need to be rejected in order to get the girls they want
As soon as I noticed that confidence is literally just accepting and being proud of who you are with all your flaws it helped me tremendously. I look weird eating? Bro, that makes me unique and is cool as fuck. I have a certain walking style? Broo, that's me. THAT'S ME. As soon as you realize that all the quirks you have are actually cool and make you unique no matter how stupid they look, it can actually have the exact opposite effect and make you look less stupid doing so. And even if you look stupid, it's authentic. And authenticity is some of the best characteristics you can have.
Dr. K you are a wealth of knowledge -- thank you for being a pillar of support for people that don't have the resources to!
Thanks!
This is like the vidoe i was waiting for processing emotions.
It's like a skyfailing realizination , the things you said.
Thank you Dr.k!
I was struggling to process emotions.
I'm just at 15:27, and some strong memories are already flooding my head. I think I might need your coaching.
I never thought I'd cry watching this video. Just found your channel and I love your content. I'm a father of two young girls and I want to be a good dad for them. I think you'll help me achieve that better. Thanks!
Fascinating! This video just made me realize the missing piece to my worry period. I have been pretty angry at myself and have wondered for a while, but now I know why. Throughout my high school I pretty much repressed all of my feelings in an effort to not get hurt by peers (like bullies and whatnot) but due to trauma I hid it from myself. What you said about feeling that sadness upon realizing what beliefs caused it makes so much sense. Half of my school life was a complete lie and I'm angry at myself and I guess I'm grieving that, because I can't believe they did this and I let it happen.
I am not a gamer and never have been but I'm really glad I found your channel. I've been ruminating a lot recently on these ideas and I really appreciate the clarity your perspective has them.
This is your most important video. The lesson learned in this applies to so many different areas in life. For me, that’s anxiety- this similar lesson was taught in your anxiety video as well. God daaamn Dr K everyone should watch this video. You the man
Thank you so much for this video. I have been thinking about this the last minutes and there is so much stuff that resurfaced from my childhood that I have never really thought about. I tucked away a lot of experiences I had under "bullying" so I never really had to think about what actually happened to me, I could just think "Yeah I was bullied" without thinking about the specifics and move on, but so much of my lack of confidence comes from those experiences. I guess I've got some work to do.
You can do it!
How do you know it was the bullying and not a genetic propensity? How do you know you weren’t already anxious, which caused you to be bullied to begin with, and then went on to catastrophise the experience because you were already disposed to be threat sensitive to begin with. Think!
@@gunners4hire Excuse me, are you the licensed professional?
@@dresdenvisage Thanks! I feel like this realization really has changed something inside me. I made good progress before but somehow I feel like this was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to put in place. I already feel so insanely much more confident simply because of the realization that it is something external that happened to me and not something internal within me.
@@domninin You might consider trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which teaches us how to notice the thoughts behind our feelings and reframe thoughts based on untrue beliefs we may have.
School really fu**ed me up. I was always that calm, silent kid who got into trouble because of who I was. And I also was afraid to open up to someone because I would get beat up again.
I’d say what helped my confidence wasn’t to put pressure on myself to think I’m amazing, but to give myself the same respect I tend to give others.
Especially if you’re a people pleaser, it’s kind of baffling how we tend to overlook so many flaws within others yet it’s easy to criticize yourself for the smallest ones. Once I was aware of this, it’s gotten easy to be confident in myself as I no longer put others on a pedestal.
Lastly, understanding that a lot of confident people actually had to undergo different kinds of failures and experiences before they got to that point. For me, lack of confidence used to come from the fear of what might happen if I do something. Watching lots of successful people talk about failure and how it actually helped them was what allowed me to start making more decisions and not letting failure be a deterrent.
Confidence come from two sources on my view: Suffering & healing and accomplishing/achieving "things"(inner/outer) you value.
Pure gold again. They way Dr K presents this helpful information in such a practical way always astonishes me. Deep thanks for that, you literaly make peoples lifes better with that free knowledge
I used to have no confidence, then I started medication for ADHD and now I am pretty confident. Turns out that if your mind isn't constantly thinking about 20 things at once and you can actually focus it's a lot easier
Can you detail before and after? I Just started medication but still have like 3 or 4 thoughts in few seconds
@@yuri-hw1jd if it helps at all I didn't notice much of a difference in amount of thoughts when I had the right dose.. But the kind of thoughts changed. I was overall less stressed out because as things came off my todo list suddenly that wasn't a huge weight making me think I'm wrecking my life and everyone's and letting everyone down etc etc, a couple of the "I need to do that or else I'm an evil awful failure" thoughts get replaced with "ok that's done, maybe food?"
Are you going to be on the meds for the rest of your life? this is why I do not want to get prescribed anything because I don’t want to take a pill to feel normal
@@eridiance9818 hell yeah i can finally have a life
Ive been miserable for 25 years with a decade of therapy, aint no way ill ever function without meds
Would you let your heart explode instead of taking beta blockers? Or die from cancer instead of doing chemo?
@@eridiance9818 probably. I too would like to not have to take a pill to feel "normal". I'd like to also not wear glasses to be able to see, though, so c'est la vie.
I read somewhere that "if you can't make your own neurotransmitters, storebought is fine."
The pills saved my life, but I know people who don't take them because they have carved a lifestyle around it. My symptoms are bad, and I can't often work out, but I have a lot of heady work, so I take them.
After hearing the whole story about 'gaining insecurity', I'm starting to look at things from a different angle. I have indeed, gained a ton of insecurities over the years, and while some of them went away (for example I'm no longer afraid that I'll never finish university), some just made a camp and haven't left to this day. I guess what made some of these insecurities go away is the fact that i was somehow able to prove to myself that what i thought wasn't real. Probably by achieving some results!
The ones that are still here... well, i haven't been able to prove them wrong. For example, every time i fail to get into a romantic relationship just reaffirms the insecurities i have regarding that. I don't see anything good in there, any kind of lesson to be learned, i just see that i suck and am too unfit for whatever regular people do. So the older i get, the more severe the insecurity gets because i still have no experience. I will hopefully find my way out in due time, I'm working on it and honestly the most difficult thing right now is to stop looking at every situation in a negative light. I think when i succeed in that, that i can truly start living life.
I've been there too, in regards to dating. I thought I would die of old age without experiencing my first kiss. Now I'm doing a lot better, having had plenty experience and currently dating the love of my life. I ended up losing my virginity at age 23, so being late doesn't mean you're doomed.
While I can't deny a huge part of it was just having a physical glow-up (growing taller, using accutane and working out), I'd say another part of it is to realize that dating is not an advanced game, there's no special meta you need to figure out. It's the same "equation" to solve as getting someone to like you as a friend. Once you realize that, you partly get over the fear of "am I doing something wrong?". Just try to make the girl like you as if she were a cool dude you liked.
"Then how do you progress from friendship to the next stage". Honestly, for guys like us, especially you who's at a stage of low confidence, I suggest to find an outgoing "cool" girl you like and let her take the initiative. For me, taking initiative never worked that well unless the girl was super shy, or until after I gained some confidence through dating experience.
If you've never had a girl take initiative before, I can only say: work out, get a good sense of style, keep being a cool intelligent non-toxic dude who watches Dr. K, and focus on girls in your "looks range". It's no garuantee, and may take some time until something happens, but I think it's your best shot.
I would also add to what the other commenter said - getting into a relationship isn’t a litmus test for your self worth. Being lonely sucks and I get wanting to have a partner, but there are plenty of horrible people IN relationships and plenty of good people who are single. It’s not a reflection on you as a person. Most people I know just stumbled into relationships naturally. Just surround yourself with other single women (or men, if that’s what you’re into) and a connection will happen eventually.
This made me remember back when I used to meditate about year ago. I'd put these 15 min guided meditation videos and at the time I didn't really addressed it, but now I really understand the focus these people did around the idea that we were already perfect from the start, we just have to let go of the bad things we learned along the way.
Many people keep telling me to "just go and do it". Just go out and ask a girl out. Just get a job! But I didn't manage it, and the idea didn't sit well with me. "Is that really the only way? To face it?" I'd think.
Just this change of mindset is already helping a TON to me. It's a way more satisfying idea to think about it as "I actually was always confident and in fact I still AM confident deep down, I just have to process my problems and emotions to bring it to the surface and show it" instead of "I have to FACE this part of me, in order to BECOME more confident, because right now I'm not, I lack it".
And this applies for other things. "I am already beautiful". "I am already smart". "I will achieve my dreams". "I am lovable"...
You know, perfection doesn't really exist, but ironically I do think we are already perfect in a way. We just have to overcome our own limitations.
When I started the video, I was thinking that the confidence issue doesn't apply to me all that much since I'm pretty confident in my social interactions but then as I watched more of the video, it just hit me that holy shit, this actually does apply to me all too well. I remember a specific instance when I was a teenager when a friend of mine told me that my smile doesn't look nice in photos and that really scarred me and it's made me terrified of the camera to this day, about six years later. I'm thinking about using Dr.K's advice and journaling about this event and my emotions, I'll update on what I learn along the way!
Is Dr. K an angel? I am SO grateful having found your videos and ideas a week ago.
What I found to be helpful is reminding myself that I am "just" a human being, with good traits and weaknesses. Like everyone else. But at least I care to be a better person, whereas many apparently self-confident people are either pretending or are aggressive a-holes.
All in all I'm not that bad at all, and I can and will be better (which IMHO means being kinder and articulate in thinking and speaking).
We don't need to earn a right to be alive and worthy of love. It's included in the package since we were born!
Love this. People are ways looking to ADD something to their life to help them and they almost always need to reduce something.
I believe confidence is an illusion. When we see a confident person it’s not that they have something we don’t. It’s that we hold heavy shame/insecurities and we react negatively to that, the confident person doesn’t. To not only know your capabilities but to know anything you put your mind to will work out, no matter the time or effort it takes
The next level to that is to accept that even when you put your mind to something, it may NOT work out, because there are things beyond your control. And to accept that it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, that simply trying is great, and that it's okay for things not to work out.
I wouldn't necessarily say an illusion but I mostly agree. I'd say it's more of a privilege. We always love to associate it with things we did because it's better for our ego but usually it's just the end result of how our experiences brought us up.
If you've been abused, bullied, mistreated and taken advantage of in the past, I'd consider anyone telling you to be confident insane. Meanwhile the people usually saying these things have had some kind of luck (non-abusive parents, good social circle, healthy support network, good relationship experience, successful therapy, positive experiences etc.) that they won't acknowledge over 'that one time they learned how to play guitar'.
It's a pretty depressing concept that just shines how much of our society really is sink or swim in nature. This video is obviously incel/dating related so to use that as an example; Out of everything, most would agree that confidence is king when it comes to being attractive so that means that everyone is being selected for not having been traumatized growing up. That means that you are actively being rejected/dismissed/ignored by dating prospects BECAUSE you, for example, had abusive parents which lead you to be too insecure to get a date/get laid.
Maybe the term 'chadsplaining' does have some merit to it.
@@99sins 100% agree with this point.
We're mostly conditioned by our environment
Wow. I’m so deeply thankful this is so accessible. Thanks for this!
This blew my mind. I was bullied in school since I was 10 after relocating, it started just for being the English kid. Over time every part of my body, personality and identity was criticized constantly, every day. This could take a while, but at least I have a good idea where to start now.
Wish you the best on the recovery. Ive been on similar situation also. Its very tough.
@@Crakygamez Thanks, you too
I wish you the best! I wish bullies understood the longterm consequences of their actions…
Thanks
Anybody else just in a place where you don't even remember how you got there? It could've been any of the million experiences I had that made me the way I am I can't seem to pin point these "nuggets"
this video is actually quite beautiful on a very human level. you are truly helping so many people and in reaction, making the world a better place. thank you Dr. K.
This is such a mindblowing revelation for me. Why was i NEVER TAUGHT THIS? This makes SO much sense when i reflect on my earlier life. Why is this NOT TAUGHT TO US??
Watch "Julien Himself" about Letting Go.
I'm gonna post this comment before watching this video, then I'll compare what I said to what Dr. K said.
I'm still not as confident as I wish I was, but the way I gained the confidence that I do have was by faking it. I pretended to be confident during puberty and as time progressed I realized how my insecurities and social anxiety were just in my mind, and so the more I put myself out there the more confident I became.
Edit after watching: yeah I guess I was able to process my feelings on my own, but watching this video helped me understand how I can get over insecurities more related to my career than with my social life. Also it helped me see what my insecurities really are about.
Thanks Dr. K!
I don't know how someone couldn't like Dr. K, hes always so helpful.
Trauma likely lies on a spectrum of intensity. When I was growing up, sometimes people at school talking to me would react negatively to me about my stuttering, like telling me to stop doing it. I’ve already gone back and looked at it from their perspective and formed a healthier way to conceptualize those negative events, but it’s one of the many things that and contributed to my reluctance to interact with people or get a job
It’s not on the same intensity as sexual or physical trauma, but it can have some form of psychological impact. These days I don’t even stutter much at all, but it was one factor growing up. I’m certainly open to reflecting on other forms of trauma relating to task performance
Yup. I have some too, but it's much better learned from my girlfriend's case.
She is very unconfident about herself, her actions and looks and thinks a lot about what other people would think about it. She stress and worry a lot too.
And in reality she has no real reason to, she is very capable, smart, beautiful and kind, she is not perfect, of course, but really amazing.
She is going to theraphy and we tried to get to why and it all points out to her mother's parenting. Every single thing, insecurity and complex, all of it, is definetely up to her.
She is trying her best to do what she can about it, but it's very hard to see yourself as beautiful when you are told you are not. And she was like 9/10 beautiful as a child and young adult, really amazing. And a lot of other stuff like this.
What Dr.K talks about in this video is 100% on point.
Thanks Dr K, thanks for your contents, you are the hero of our community 🤝
Thanks!
Thank you so much Dr K. I think this is your best video so far, and I learnt so much from it. I have always struggled with confidence since primary school, and had so many wrong ideas about 'gaining confidence' like you talk about. This came at the perfect time for me, and I know I can look back on this video and this comment one day from a completely different place. Thank you!
i really needed this, it feels like i can process things better now that i have a better understanding of what is in my heart
To "gain" confidence I simply walk, alone, around my neighborhood. It may sound funny, but it feels very good to feel that I can walk! and I can do it very well.
Also it helps to deal with emotions.
I've watched almost all of your videos but this one was the one I needed the most, Guess timing is also important. Thank you for making these amazing videos ❤
I'll admit here that I'm not a gamer.. so it's interesting that I found this channel.. but despite not being a gamer I always really liked psychology.. and picology I always liked it.. so it makes sense that I found it. .
I don't know if anyone will read it.. but I felt like sharing a bit of my story as I've always had issues with trust..
And apparently I'm part of the manoria that can't remember ever being confident..
At school my little self-confidence was so extreme that even though I studied all day I still thought I would fail the tests.. I never felt prepared..
Even when I was a child of 4.5 years old, I was afraid of everything.. I was even afraid of doing somersaults.. Every time I try to do something new, my first thought is that I won't succeed..
I remember that at 6, 7 years old classmates would go to my desk to show that their grades were better than mine and that they would be smarter..
even when I improved my grades I didn't consider myself smart.. because it was like I had to study three times as much as other people to get the same results.. taking better grades than elws.. so my friends, who were already few, I perf di all..
I then concluded that friendships weren't for me.. and I stopped trying to get close to anyone.. even friendship.. so I stopped trying at age 12.. and I went years without even trying.. so I really missed the boat..
|Even at home.. my parents treated me as if I were less capable.. I think that's why my brother once said: "If I was as dumb as Lu (me) nobody would ask me to do anything"
I had trouble finding a job because how could I convince someone that I was the right person for the job if I wasn't convinced of it.. I only got it when I was 31. my first job.
In my 20s I was really insecure about buying clothes by myself and my mom had to be with me all the time... even though I was technically an adult. And in my 20s I only had virtual friendships..
I only learned to do things on my own when I left my parents' house... and I only managed to do that when I was 31... because before that my economic dependency was total...
I felt like sharing
As long as I remember my childhood I was abused and insecure, I only remember some nuggets of confidence, but mostly sadness and hating myself, hating the fucking world. I am more confident now than when I was a child, but I still have lot's of insecurities even when I seemed confident on the outside. But the more I learn how brain works with Dr. K and his guides, the more I blossom. Thanks doc❤
Yes right. I needed to let go of my trauma to retrieve the core essence that I am. The "I am" is initially pure love, pure light, pure confidence, absolutely fearless. But we all, at the kindergarten, came across stupid children who bullied us and made us look for morons although we were not. That's the human game. Outwitting the imbecility of others is the key. Not easy but It's worth trying. The "I am" isn't the trauma, isn't the shame. And the question is : Who are the others? Are they better than me? No. They will die the same anyway therefore there is no need to panic. At the end of the movie everybody dies.
This is brilliant! Mind changing. It explains so much. I have few clear memories of early childhood (I do recall feelings of absolute fear and confusion, though).
I can now recollect a time when I was confident and determined. And then there's a gap, and then I can recall doubting myself and feeling bad.
I guess I've buried the key memories, but I also realise there was a lot of drip, drip, drip neglect and abuse
I do know that I often bring my childhood reactions into contemporary life, but this then gives me clues as to what happened in childhood
One of the main problems with confidence (in my opinion) is that most of us are confident in a lot of aspects, but there are 2 or 3 aspects of ourselves that we arent confident at ALL.
I never thought of insecurities/confidence that way.... thank Dr.
Forgiving yourself is the most alpha move.
Growing your confident is one thing, but accepting your flaws its also important.
For example me, i know im not the best in social skills, making new friends, i never gonna give a speech in front of crowds and many more...
But you can't be good with everything, some people are better with something and worse in other things
So gaining confidence is about letting things go
"Don't gain confidence, unlearn insecurity." damn bro, I never thought about that
The more you are yourself the more confident you will be.
I teared up watching this video. I didn't think I had trauma because my circumstances were not extreme; kids were generally treating me ok, I had nice parents and while I did have intensely sad moments, I didn't think they were enough; I had little abuse, abandonment, neglect or bullying, but I still felt broken. And yet reviewing the sad moments led me to actually process them and feel the shame and self-isolation that I imposed myself and that just opened the floodgates for me.
And yes, all the techniques I've picked up, trying to build discipline, trying to be with other people, psychotherapy, they all very incrementally moved the needle, so that I notice my confidence going up, while still feeling broken.
i love the way dr k breaks this down!!! it makes so much sense. i have a question though; are anxiety and lack of confidence the same thing? for example, i find myself always being anxious at school. i am intelligent and do well in school. i have good time management skills and i am very passionate about the program/subject matters at my university. but whenever i have a project, i get super anxious even tho ik my track record has showed me that i’ve done well.
ty
Confidence is the easiest thing to master once you learned one simple trick : don't give a sh1t about other people.
What they do, what they think, how they are ecc...
Confidence is about having value, from what you can do and what you intrinsically are. When you're young and learning how the world works, feel valuable when other people signal acceptance and approval of you. As you get a sense for reality and your values, living up to those values can enable you to be an even stronger source of approval for yourself.
You can develop confidence by being exceptional in things that other people approve and admire -- superficial appearance, money, power, prestige, charisma, normality but for a few quirks that make you harmlessly interesting. But, even if you win, you will always be competing directly with a lot of people desperate to please each other. Desperate people are dangerous, and they are rarely happy.
You can also develop a confidence that doesn't depend on other people. You do this by developing a rock solid understanding of your ideals and values, and growing to live up to them. You are the arbiter of goodness and quality, and you determine how well you are adhering to those ideals. If you are disciplined, and intellectually honest about yourself, you will get the skills, character, and intrinsic value you truly admire. I think it's nigh-impossible to *not* grow in value and confidence under those driving circumstances.
This video is absolutely mindblowing and completly changed my perspective.
Still I am trying to figure out, how we should deal with bullying which is based on physical appearance? Thats certainly a trauma nugget of mine.
If you are overweight as a kid and get made fun of, you can't tell yourself that you are not overweight. It's just the reality.
But how to let go of the insecurity regarding your physical appearance? How can we reframe that?
yep, it feels like this video is made for people who actually have false ideas about things, so sure you could have false ideas about what people think about your body, but the trauma coming from something real is harder to overcome.
I get this is an old comment but here's a thought: there is nothing inherently wrong with being "overweight" (whatever that means... overweight according to who?). Where the insecurity is to be addressed is in this question: What beliefs does the individual have about themself based on the fact that they are "overweight"? There is some sort of judgment about weight that can be addressed if there is an insecurity. There are plenty of people out there who are on the heavy side when it comes to weight, yet confident because of the meaning they assign to an otherwise benign attribute.
Thanks alot! The moment my sister told me about period of time of which i even dont remember, i started to feel bad, wanna cry etc. Probably it was it. I still dont remember this moment completely, but when i start to imagine what happend, i wanna cry. I feel littel bit better, there is alot of work ahead, but hopefully it will help me to solbe issue with my luck of self confidence ❤
I can say that i never was confident. As far back as kindergarden i was always insecure. So if i was confident one day I have lost it a very long time ago.
22 and it's slowly coming back to me now, tho.
You're the best... this thing about regaining confidence is absolute true. Thank you
I feel that the more difficult question is how to distinguish between an invalid assumption about yourself and a valid assumption about yourself.
True
don't be dead serious to distinguish, just live, accept the absurdity of this world
even if it’s valid there are better ways to process it in a healthy way
Bro you don't know how much this hit home... I definitely appreciate what you do keep on it