Sometimes just pausing to think "why don't I want to do this" and realizing "oh, it's entirely my social anxiety" is a great motivator to go "well rationally there's nothing but my own ego holding my back, so screw it - time to commit and do this!"
Yes I'm like that. As soon as I realise I'm hesitant to do something because of 'fear' but there's no actual danger involved, then I will immediately do it exactly because of that.
I feel like the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once does a great job of showing just how little what other people think of you, actually matters. How few things in life legitimately matter, except a few very core things. And if you let go of all the busyness in your head, you can allow yourself to enjoy life, and you can feel lighter and more satisfied.
This movie did absolutely nothing for me, it felt like a load of crap to be honest. I don't get how basically everyone else loved it and found it helpful. I don't get it lol
@@Vivivofi Hmm I guess it just depends on perspective. That movie did a great job at zooming out and showing the bigger picture when it comes to what we tie to our self-worth, family, and life path. I personally think it put in perspective how little the day to day things matter in the scope of the larger things that make life meaningful, like how you treat other people and how you see yourself in spite of external factors like your job, financial situation, success, etc.
Thank you! Everyone always says I’m unmotivated, apathetic, detached, etc. but it’s actually the opposite I care way too much about things that aren’t even worth thinking about. But it isn’t just a simple decision to cap valuing something, you need to actually think about why you value it and why valuing something is holding you back and if it actually matters.
there’s nothing wrong with you buddy. having the skill to ignor and not think about things that cause anxiety is very useful. most people will continue stressing and thinking about a problem even if the thoughts are completely unproductive. to be able to ignore the unproductive stress and focus on what’s important is great. keep working on yourself and one day we’ll all make it!
Yeah, to be honest the hardest part about detaching myself is other people thinking I'm apathetic. Honestly, most of the time I don't really care about what other people think, but it's hard to count how many times my wife started an argument with me because she thought I didn't care about anything. As an example, I'm content with my life, I don't need to buy stuff and want stuff to fill some void in my heart. But she used to think the reason I would be fine with any gift she bought me was because I don't care about anything. No, I'm just happy with how things are, I don't miss things I don't have ;-; that doesn't mean I won't use or won't like anything else I get
@@прогеимс-е3ж not everyone can afford to do that. Me for example I can’t afford to go to college but as long as you know how to correctly do research and fact check things, it’s really easy to study freely on the internet
@@uga3086 you give yourself grace lol. I have ADHD and sometimes my studying is just watching and reading a ton of info and taking notes but not before I have to rewind a bunch lol
@@Carby.J I did that’s how I know he was wrong about it. The yogi’s moved away from the world with detachment, not towards it. A lot of eastern wisdom is about moving away from worldly affairs, hence the monasteries and stuff. How could he get such a basic fact about detachment so wrong.
@@Darkloid21 I think the point he's trying to make is that we should detach from our ego and ourselves to be more present and aware, and not be held back by our automatic thoughts about the world. Not to escape the actual world, and when we detach from ourselves we begin to filter out the world in general because we no longer have an ego holding us back that locks us into how we're supposed to be, which can be very limiting and scary. That's how I interpreted it.
just had a therapy session about this very topic, and my therapist suggested the same thing! He said I should notice the things that excite me (motivate me) and notice the barriers to action (resistances). He didn't put it in "detachment" terms, but it's similar enough for me to be impressed that they both have the same answer.
What if others excite me? This is my problem. I feel like the only thing that makes fun for me is other people. Im not interested in things in particular. Im interested on what impression the thing i do delivers to others. Do you know what i mean?
I find it fascinating how in Dr. K's examples, "loneliness" parallels "ambition." I've always felt that "loneliness" carried a negative connotation while "ambition" carried a positive one. I used to consider myself ambitious, but in the last 2-3 years I've felt like I lost my ambition -- beating myself up for it and wondering where it went. This video makes me realize that maybe I shouldn't be asking "why have I lost ambition?", rather I should ask "why did I ever need ambition?"
" felt that "loneliness" carried a negative connotation while "ambition" carried a positive one." You start to understand "ambition" in negative concept/context when you get fired from long term job - and then you have time to reflect back that you will not get medal for your efforts, that other people can do without you just fine and that nobody will appreciate anything you did no matter how wonderful and helpful it was. Then it makes more sense to do stuff in this world which we really like to do - rather than pleasing image and someone's opinion of us that we have certain level or position which appears acceptable by someone. And instead of chasing other people's impressions and approvals - that we chase our own intrinsic locus of control as ambition, not toxicity just for the sake of pleasing approval of other people.
Wow I almost laughed when he said the loneliness is stronger than the social anxiety because I was a shut in basically but the loneliness sent me into wanting to date and yup first guy I dated I married and he's a narcissist
@@leahflower9924 This is true for so many of us. And we convince ourselves it's not that bad, that we are too sensitive, CBT will enforce belief that toxic people do not exist and that we can change other people by nitpicking our intrusive worry thoughts (via ABC Model) and label our thoughts as abnormal - not the actual abusive person who is causing all the problems.
@@leahflower9924 ambition does something similar. It puts you in places where things dont work. I was calling it impulsive until i saw this video. Makes a lot of sense. I can observe this in other seemingly ambitious ppl too.
Yup, there seems to be both negative and positive things if I say "ambition". But I dont even quite understand why, on a superficial level. Maybe the issue is that "ambition" is a goal onto itself, and therefor kinda empty. Being generally "ambitious" carries a sense of not knowing where you actually want to go, and blindly following a behaviour that has a (weirdly) positive connotation. That would be where awareness helps. If you vaguely know where youd like to be in the long term, but clearly know where you want to be in the short term, why you want to be there, and how to get there, then you dont really need general ambition as a motivator. Seems like a lot of "overworking" and frustration about the meaningless of their own work is comes from this lack of awareness, taking general principles like "ambition" in an attempt to find meaning.
Dr. K was an absolute therapy wizard, always predicting the counter-arguments my brain would make. Right on the money every time, including the indignant clamping down to save myself from the pain of hoping and being burned. I've got a lot to think about. I don't want to, but I think that means I should, so I'm going to try. Thank you.
As simple if a concept comfort is, I feel like it is at the core of almost everything we do. It's status drives our actions, fuels our fears, and forms our biases. From there, I realize that when you really boil everything down, we're all the same. We all want to be heard and validated at one point or another. I dunno. I'm prob just rambling.
"I dunno. I'm prob just rambling." next time you talk, don't write or say this to yourself. You'll feel better. Your original comment is spot on, stop doubt yourself.
6:46 "Detachment is _not_ about detaching from the world, it's actually about detaching from your self." There is the pullquote! Against odds, I have had two NDEs in my life, and a couple of very intentional and healthy entheogen 'trips' to dissociated places, and the greatest gifts I've received from them are an experiential knowledge of the value of detachment from self. I hope that everybody can get to a place where they can conjure that feeling at a moment's notice as well.
I work as a Psychiatric Technician at a mental health hospital. I study Dr.K's videos and take notes so I can lead group therapy sessions. This video with this subject came at the perfect time. Thank you, Dr.K and thank you to the HealthyGamerGG crew.
@@juleslefumiste9204 HG doesn't replace a degree in psychology, but he spreads factual information that can be used in real life. If he already has a formation, I don't see a problem in taking some points from Dr. K videos.
I feel this hard. I'm the kind of person that won't go to an event if I don't know the parking situation in advance, or if I don't know the layout of the building. These things have always had a tight grip on me.
Dude fr. It sucks. But at the same time freeing once you got the courage to face that fear. Your brain’s reaction will be like “see… it wasnt so bad as we thought it is”
Practice it. The first time will be hell, but the more often you are exposed to hell the more comfortable it gets. I too struggle with parking arrangements for example. The other day we went out for dinner with work and I am directionally challenged. So initially I didnt want to go (I was going to make up an excuse) but I decided to just suck it up and go for it. I asked one of my coworkers where I could park, he told me the name of a hotel. I told my coworkers in advance I would probably get lost. Turns out there were 2 hotels with that name, I parked at the wrong one and I ended up getting lost. I told them by phone I got lost, ended up walking 15minutes, found them (thanks google) and we had a good laugh about me being so bad with directions. After dinner one of my coworkers took me (in her car) to the parkinglot that had my car. Moral of the story; eventhough "worst case" scenario did happen it wasn't as bad as I had feared and a good group of people will help you manage the failures.
Recently, a friend of mine from work invited me to go snowboarding with him and I actually went and had the time of my life. This is something I probably would have refused a year ago and because of my practice with detaching from myself and learning to just go with things, it's opened me up to so many opportunities and experiences that I would never have done before.
Personal thought - the word 'guru' has a specific root & a specific meaning - 'one who brings others out from darkness, into light'. For me this creator is 100% worthy of such a descriptor.
i love that dancing example. at some point in everybody's childhood, we were made fun of for something like dancing. everyone that happened to had to make a choice - whether they liked dancing more than they liked being liked by other people or whether other people's opinions mattered more than their own pleasure. most people one way or another have to fight time and time again to be themselves because of other self-conscious people who project their self consciousness outward and shame/judge others. we get to choose whether we want to enjoy our lives by being detached. it's awesome. loooove this video. not caring what other people think is the most freeing thing ever!
This is easier said than done. For me the struggle is that I want to talk out loud, study, laugh and just do my thing but the catch is I don't have my own room. I sleep at the living room since there isn't enough space for my siblings and I in our tiny house. I am a private person and not having privacy has been very challenging for me lately. I have to learn to detach and just do my thing. Anxiety is just winning at the moment. Got to catch up..
"This is easier said than done" HE is not talking about Life is a Rose Garden here. He is not talking that with Detachment suddenly all our life will magically become perfect and without problems and we will bathe in money and have enough of everything. He is talking about mindset - that if we think in a way that we react to toxic people and hard reality of life - without looking it from more than one angle - that the decisions and motivations and paths we take in life will be limited and hence we will miss many chances how to react better in problems we currently have. It is counter-intuitive but when we are in difficult times in life, when we do not have money, when we do not have perfect ambient as you described - not having room for yourself - we tend to numb these realities and chase for quick and easy solutions - which most of the times are wrong and create more problems later on. And the most damaging is that toxic people will always sniff out our default reaction to react to life - and toxic people will always magically offer exactly what we need to help us "solve" our acute problems - but with hidden prices to pay later on. When we are aware and when we let go of chasing what other people think of us - we will notice far more solutions in life that we otherwise be blind. When we cover up our pain and shame and difficulties - we numb it down. When we are numbed - as it is said in this video - we don't resolve anything, we simply react and make horrible decisions in life - based on reaction, quick oversimplifications, and our fears and panic become our masters - and we are not even aware of them being our commanders. The same as Trump idea to build a wall - we invest money into stopping something which could be resolved in better and healthier way other than creating division and hatred in society. Then our wall becomes our focus in life rather than resolving acute issues which we ignore due to our focus in the wall.
Being 22, I realized many of these things a long while ago but even the elucidation of detachment actually meaning removing oneself from the ego and actually coming _closer_ to the world instead of farther, was really poetic and beautiful in an intellectual manner. That was great. What I've always thought is this- you make your life the easiest by establishing paths of least resistance. If you ever go canoeing you'll quickly realize you actually move alot farther on a river if you row with the current, instead of trying to row against it, despite the inverse proportion of effort you are exerting.
I’ve never considered ego as being a barrier towards motivation like this. when I think about pursuing things I want it’s like I try to imagine every reason why it would be laborious or a waste of time or some other excuse not to do it. fear of failure or inadequacy is huge. i think this also connects to how we want to avoid negative emotions whenever possible, we don’t want to consider any setbacks. getting stuck in the middle of an art assignment is so unbelievably painful for me, but i can only finish a piece I like if I push through that discomfort. good things are worth that discomfort. thank you so much for the work that you do.
@FlyingMonkies325 " learn take it one step at a time rather than worrying about the whole thing" I would add two factors here: 1) External factor - toxic people who put coercive control on us, who are pathological liars and hence give us fake information and mislead us, gaslight us , so we base our decisions on deliberate wrong messages 2) Internal factor such as RSD which is like internalized toxic person inside us which gives us fake wrong messages of fear and urge to care what other people think. Both factors are not easy to overcome but technique explained in this video helps a lot. Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (when criticism hurts) - Being easily embarrassed - Heightened fear of failure - Unrealistically high expectations for self - Assuming people don't like you - Avoiding social settings - Perfectionistic tendencies
I know everyone always says it, but the timing here is out of this world. I was listening to a long philosophy video about this exact concept yesterday. Then I got high AF and was processing it last night. I'm realizing this is one of my core problems right now, letting go is hard
I think I'm never gonna get over this because I can't open up to anyone and even if I could, I doubt I can afford a therapist for the amount of time necessary to make any change.
You're so on point. One day I was at a party, and I was trying to dance with my girlfriend, she was criticizing (with good intent) how I was dancing out of synch. I explained to her that's because I was depersonalizing, I was stressed out. It felt like I was "dettached from myself, from my body". She didn't understand, because for her, If I really were "detached from myself", it would be positive, I wouldn't care. But in fact my "dettachment" was more like an overattachment to myself, I was outside, but i'm was watching myself.
Same, last month or so for me. I had a moment of pure detachment from my creative work and immediately had a powerful sense of the world opening up to me, as if I had permission to enjoy it without worry. My self esteem is going up significantly and Im not idealizing my work as much which is reducing stress and steering me clear of decision paralysis. Its still a journey but now I see that I must detatch my ego from my work. The good and the bad as it all accrues a debt.
@@cory99998 goals. sad part is i had this before but it got corrupted again. it isnt a permanent state once you achieve it, one must continue cultivating it
This channel is exactly what I’ve been looking for!! I have the most apathetic position and I now understand that my addictions have been ways to quiet my ego making my situation worse. I was a completely non functioning alcoholic for nearly 10 years. I have been sober 3 years after treating my inattentive ADD but most issues in my life have continued to decline finding new ways to silence my nagging inner compass. Recently I’ve taken to saying compulsive, self-depreciating things when I reflect on mistakes I’ve made in the past. Now what I know what to focus my attention to, I feel a rush of confidence to realign the trajectory of my life. Hiring a therapist today. Thank you.
I liked the phrase at 16:45 : "Without awareness that there is a problem, they can't really fix it.". It can get really complicated when I am proudful of my problem, and when society encourages the problem saying that it is good.
A lot of the time I'm thinking to myself "Do I really wanna do this" And my mind starts going on about how hard or not worthwhile it would be. So I started asking myself "IF you could do it easily with no effort, would you want to do this?". And if the answer is yes, I know that's something I really want and perhaps the way to get there is to work on removing the resistance. I wouldn't know for sure
Understanding if something is worthwhile is super important though. We don't have a ton of time on earth, so knowing what's worth while before you do it is an incredibly important skill to learnm
Uhh... by that logic, i want pretty much everything. If i could do it easily with no effort, i do want to do so many things in life. From just running down the road to being able to work as a doctor. Is it how it's supposed to be?
>i cant afford to do this or that is an attachment i never thought this was the case until now. i got too caught up in scarcity mindset because im always anxious about the future and financial stability due to fear of not making it. it all really comes down to practicing ones mindset in order to overcome these barriers so that i can function better and thus not fall into the trap of this self-perpetuating negative feedback loop regardless of what happens. its still something i struggle with to this day. I know that trying to evaluate what you want to do is important sometimes, but you really need to just need to change your actions or improvise upon it along the way instead of coming up with the perfect solution or decision at the start, because analysis paralysis is the least productive thing that you want to do. thats how you actually grow as a person. tl;dr just start something as soon as you can when you feel like its really something you want to do.
@@selensewar That's not quite how it's interpreted. The point isn't to underplay difficult things in life, there's a lot that requires lots of effort and time (like becoming a doctor as you said). But it's about finding out what you would like do and what motivates you. Sometimes it's difficult to understand ourselves and find our motivations for small things, because our anxiety barrier is higher than our intrinsic motivation.
What I got from this video is that he's talking about detachment from the ego and worry about all things in relation to self image and self judgement. It is freeing to imagine myself like this. I care about the world and my personal goals, I'm just not judging myself every single step of the way while living life.
It's great. As a psychologist I can tell you that his understanding of what a healthy mind should be is something that is not common in this "profession". He combines his different training and experiences so well... it is very noticeable. Thank you.
I want to sincerely thank you for spending your time talking through this stuff with all of us. It means a lot. Thank you for using the most valuable thing in the universe (Time), to help, teach, and encourage others. I admire you.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🧘 *Detachment, often associated with spiritual traditions, is about removing oneself from their own ego, not from the world.* 01:40 🔄 *Detachment and apathy are opposites; Detachment lowers resistance, enabling motivation beyond relying on ambition or loneliness.* 06:46 🌐 *Detachment is not about giving up attachments but freeing oneself from ego-driven constraints, allowing a more genuine and fulfilling life.* 10:43 🛑 *Attachments to ego, opinions, and fears create resistance; Detachment separates from these, making life's pursuits driven by curiosity and interest.* 13:48 🔍 *Cultivating Detachment involves developing awareness, understanding the mechanics of one's thoughts and actions, making life more effortless.* 18:43 🧘 *Meditation is a key practice for developing detachment by enhancing awareness, not just a solution to specific problems.* 19:39 🤔 *Spending time with oneself helps build awareness of reactions, providing insights into attachments and driving motivators.* 20:35 🔄 *Notice your own reactions, especially skepticism, to the idea of cultivating detachment; skepticism often reveals emotional resistance and attachments.* 22:25 ⚖️ *Resistance to trying detachment methods often stems from negative emotions and attachments; awareness of this resistance is crucial for cultivating detachment.* Made with HARPA AI
My reactions were like this: 1. Saw that Dor. K uploaded a new video: “nice!” 2. Says Detachment is actually good: “OMG I must watch this right away! I’ve been thinking about this all year.” 3. *watches the video* … “YES! This is so reassuring! I mean, my meditation skills are still a disaster, but yes! Detachment does lower that resistance and despair and it does get easier to do things. It even somehow does some woo-woo magic something I don’t know what, and the people who can help you in your path start to show up. No kidding.” 4. “I feel that I can leave a comment sharing all this.” Thank you for what you do Dr. K.
Thanks for your comment! Your comment inspired me to write a comment. Normally i am afraid of commenting on videos because nobody is going to like it it or care about it and i’ll just come off looking silly. Here’s to us practicing detachment!
@@Lestertails2 I've felt that worry a little bit myself, too, but a good response to it might be to think about how bad it really even could be. Usually I can conclude that the worst thing that could really happen is that I'll get no response or that some internet strangers will think it's weird or something, which isn't really so bad, so I might as well just post the comment.
18:03 As a longtime guitar player, I would like to add that motor memory makes a lot of things easy. When it is present, everything is easy. This is what rehearsals are for. That is, an experienced gamer is good not only because he knows the theoretical basis of the game, but also his hands, his eyes and even his thoughts move according to certain patterns and they are used to doing it automatically, instantly and naturally. To exactly repeat all this, a beginner will need an incredible amount of energy and not the fact that this will help.
I am so greatfull I found this channel. You actually explain the theory and explain how to aply it. Other ''self help'' channels and sites sometimes give good insight but then you walk out as if you learnt nothing because they don't show how to use that knoledge. You actually do that. I am learning so much. Thank you. Right now I'm trying to buld up and understanding of myself and my feelings, because I have ''emotional color blindness'' as you put it the other day, which was also a great video.
I was thinking about this description of detachment vs apathy in light of my journey through therapy, it seems to boil down to "what are you detaching from?" Apathy is detaching from meaning and community, while this model of detachment is removing the things that stand in the way of meaning and community. And that's why they're opposites. It's a cool way of understanding this experience, and exactly what I need right now. Thank you!!
This is what I've been trying to understand. I've been trying to understand the meaning of detachment. I've been detached from my ego since a long time ago, but never fully understood the mechanism. Thank you for opening my eyes dr. K!
This is such valuable wisdom. You've posted so many amazing insights, especially the last month. I just want to say thank you. You're really giving me the secret controls of my mind to steer my life on my own. I want to appreciate how clear you now explain the philosophy behind certain ideas. It makes me really get on board with what you're saying because I can choose to assent or dissent on any point, then the other, then the other, ... and by the end I'm fully onboard, and motivated to apply it. This is especially great because it was frustrating to not have this, and instead hear that "everything is one and we're all energy and ...". The people in those spiritual communities were always too vague, and so I dismissed most of it. I wish you'd go even further, and go into detail about how the Buddhists saw the mind exactly, while still relating it to Western psychology if possible, so I can understand the connections, which (edit) I now realise is probably what the guide is about. I'm very likely going to buy this soon, you're videos have proven to me it will be anything but dissappointing. Anyways, I just want to say thank you again, and I wish you continue for a long time.
Dr K has gone into different eastern conceptions of the mind before, I think both in videos here on RUclips and in the guide. I have all of the guide modules, and it’s a great value and the organization is certainly helpful. For anyone who can’t afford the guides, I think he’s talked about most or all of it in the free youtube videos over the years - that’s just a lot of content to go through. He talks about eastern conceptions of the mind and parts of the mind (particularly the ahumkara, manas, and buddhi) in the Meditation module of the guide. To clarify, Dr K is not a Buddhist, from what he’s said in the past. If I understand correctly, his training as a monk was within Advaita Vedanta, which has many similarities but is not a form of Buddhism. I say this because I got interested in the philosophies Dr K talks about when he lets himself get into the spiritual side of things, so if you want to dive in as well it is probably helpful to have the term Advaita Vedanta to start your search. I get the impression that Dr K wants to share useful insights and philosophies without crossing the line into proselytizing or alienating folks who have different religious beliefs but could still benefit greatly from these teachings that aren’t strictly religious in the way we tend to understand religion in the West, especially the US. He always seems very thoughtful about respecting whatever religious beliefs his listeners may have and will even explain if a particular meditation might be classified as more religious in nature, why that would be, and what it would mean culturally to use that practice.
I’ve been dealing with some shitty anxiety due to rejection sensitivity recently, and this video helped me firmly plant my feet on the ground for the time being, cleared my head, and allowed me to think. Thank you Dr. K! You’re giving me the tools I need to improve myself
Just in time for getting over a girl I thought was the one. She was the first girl I had a crush on in 8 years and the first I ever told. It was really hard because of depression, anxiety and Anhedonia along with autism. Thank you
3:38 ambixiuos enough overcome disliking work, but result in burnout 6:01 the more i care for no loneliness the more i motivate myself forward but not healthy 6:54 detach not form the world, from yourself, removal from own ego 8:35 detachment form ego 10:12 resitance compotion of emotion and ego 12:21 atachements related to job 13:07 detachmenet lowers the resistance
This is a great video! I've questioned the value and goal of meditation. I've also struggled with harboring toxic motivation like loneliness because it was how I learned to seek my own improvement. The explanation here was a clear summary about how to move beyond my maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. For me at least, this is one of the most valuable videos on the channel because it puts the reason to seek detachment in one place that I can come back and reference
The dancing example taught me that sometimes you need to make small gains in an area that is safe ie in lessons so that your confidence can help you detach from the ego more easily. It's easier to not care what others think when you can fall back on your own confidence that you've at least gained some skill.
Great video. Actually reinforcing an experience I have been having for the past couple of weeks, that focusing on what I can do for myself in the world in the moment instead of what I envy and expect of my self, really made me more calm and less anxious. Letting go of my Ego driven thoughts and dread, focusing on myself in the here and now in the world, suddenly makes day to day life much less painful, and I can actually get things done and be proud of myself, when I'm not paralyzed.
It works! The compound interest from the time and energy spent to meditate will patch the time and energy wasted when making money or plans and doing tasks with your character.
This is quite powerful. The concept didn’t click for me until the conclusion. I think it’s analogous to a chemical reaction, instead of increasing the energy of the system to create a reaction, lower the activation energy.
I treat everything I do as a meditation and try to practice a nonjudgmental curiosity to everything whether comfortable or uncomfortable. It's been instrumental in how I live my life which is happy and fulfilled for the most part. But happiness isn't even pleasure pleasure pleasure, it's the feeling of being with instead of being against
So in my case; I feel like I've always been doing this and noticed that it HAS been working. Interestingly enough; I've always been my own "devil's advocate" when observing my own reaction to things. That started from first spending so much time by myself; in my own head, debating myself on random things and then it just started happening on its own, in realtime in the midst of consuming something -- like this video. And then it flickered back in my mind - that one video about the guy on Reddit who struggled with feeling too smart and how I felt similar to him; but then I wondered if this itself; was a form of my own ego, attaching to this? I've always felt similar to that guy in that segment; however, not for the same reasons. Instead; it was just because I did nothing more than "buff-up" my own awareness from an early age by observing and being critical of my own reaction to things; by debating myself on thoughts I stumbled across randomly (which I recall from a Big Think video is how meditation is somewhat supposed to actually work; where you separate yourself from a thought a disect it). Constantly doing this for the last 20+ years have made me self-aware but unaware that many people never did; so I felt as if something was wrong with me or "I'm too smart" whereas others were just doing things in blissful ignorance and I'm still trying to tackle the feelings and thoughts surrounding that. It always made me fear interacting with others; because I'd worried about not being understood yet; being envious of them because they could easily make meaningful connections and relationships and felt understood. For what it's worth, my relationship life has been going swell within the last 2-3 years as I've even - surprisingly - gotten married about 6 months ago! Also; ironically, because of lowering those same resistances. All of this is just to say; I'm still battling with the "Maybe I'm too smart" issue, but I definitely understand and full-heartedly agree with everything said here. Albeit; I don't think it applies to me -- at least; not in everything (I definitely still have some resistances to lower with some social interactions).
"Too smart" is a strange way to put it. I don't think you can be too smart, it must be something else. Overthinking, maybe? I relate to you though, I grew up debating my own thoughts and still do, but in my adulthood that technique alone doesn't cut it sometimes. Eventually I learned to lie to myself in order to protect my ego.
Interesting! Been dealing with the same kind of feeling for as long as I can remember - not feeling like you get other people and that they wouldn't get you - which has been putting some serious constraints on my drive to interact with other people. However, the more I've noticed myself detaching from my ego, the less the resistance has become. Now, rather than feeling judged and that I have something to prove, I view meeting new people as a chance to learn about them, expand my empathy and connect over small things. Even if they'll never get me completely, shallow connections become meaningful in themselves. It's definitely hard to put into words, but not letting your ego get in the way, or distance yourself by letting the "I'm too smart" manifest itself, feeling included and connected to others has become a lot easier.
I really liked this video bc I can relate to this a lot. Ofc here’s little 6 grader me, awkward and nervous. I don’t know what clicked in my brain but I detached before I even knew what I was actually doing. Detaching gave me a sense of confidence, and stride to step to and ever sense I felt like a free bird. I literally just stop caring what people thought. Even deeper thought, I logically walked myself through that by reminding myself, if I’m in my head, others may also be in their head too, therefore, distracted by what I’m doing. So that beg me the question, why should I care what others think if Ik that their too distracted with themselves to care what I look or sound like.
Note to self > detach yourself from expecting great results just because you put effort instead put effort, follow a routine, do what you need to do and use the result as a tool to analyse your growth and nothing else. And maintain thie without expecting amazing results or appreciation.
This is making something very complicated seem easy. You have to be aware of your own faults and in this mind space they will become less of an obstacle
As someone that has been struggling for almost two decades now with lack of motivation/apathy/meaninglessness/boredom/whatever you wanna call it, this video hit very close to home. I had heard/read a few things about these eastern philosophies that promote detachment, meditation, letting go of desire etc and didn't make any sense. I mean here I am, with very few attachments, desires or motivations, just floating through life without a direction. And yet I feel nothing like enlightenment or happiness, what am I missing? Dr K explaining the difference between detachment and apathy was eye-opening so thank you for this 🙏
07:21 'Removing yourself from your own ego is detachment.' Now that is a beautiful sentense! It thought the title of your movie must meant something more deep, and here we have it.
Has this channel ever considered a sort of course-style, long formatted videos on the topic of creativity? I know you’ve made plenty of videos. But like, anything that is a sort of guideline for “gifted kids” to achieve their creative dreams, mannn I’d buy that.
YES! This is exactly how I feel. I value plenty of things, but I've often wondered whether being "detached" is a good thing. I've ended up detaching myself naturally, I didn't really have to try. Everything I do has an overtone of "Huh, OK." I love learning things, but the reaction I give is more of a "Huh, that's neat," than anything else. It's not that I don't care. I really do. It just doesn't go to my ego. Thank you for validating my situation. So few people seem to act this way, I wasn't sure if I was doing something helpful or sinking into a dangerous behavior.
I have a personal request for content that hopefully others would also benefit from as well! Can you please make some videos addressing how to get over an ex and perhaps specifically how to not let the experience of rejection make you jaded and less trusting of love or expecting similar rejection in the future? I find myself terrified of being vulnerable with women because I feel that whenever I expressed emotional vulnerability with my ex I was met with distancing and even if I got support I felt that I was viewed as less sexually attractive. Now I walk around with resentment (that I’m aware is an issue of mine and unattractive, that I’d like to shake and let go of) that to be sexually attractive I can’t really express any genuine negative emotion unless it is very short lived and it can’t be about having sexual trauma or loss of confidence around this very issue. It feels like a twisted paradox where I cannot express to a woman the very need I have which is sexual validation and trust that she is genuinely attracted to me because I now view a lack of confidence around that to be fundamentally unattractive to women. I think it is a super common thing in our community but very difficult to talk about, and is also the sexual core of your videos on “why men feel rejected”. Your talk with Sweet Anita I think was missing this element that is central to the discussion: so many men are expected to be confident and sexually/romantically confident but on what grounds? Doesn’t that confidence need to be developed experientially with a partner who appreciates and supports you? So then what if a lack of having that to begin with is fundamentally unattractive to most women and viewed as “needy”? I think this leads to men not feeling safe to be authentically vulnerable and instead pretend to be more macho and stereotypically “masculine” than they really feel because it seems that a lot of women these days are not willing to help a man to build up his confidence. In my relationship, early on I had the courage to ask for what I needed, just a few weeks for her to be patient with me while I got more comfortable with her because I was having performance anxiety as she was the woman of my dreams and I was terrified to lose her due to losing my erection. I was confident that if she would commit to me for just a few weeks to see, to put some trust in me (or heck, even encourage me) that it would be a non issue. Instead, she told me explicitly (albeit very politely because she is a great person) that that wasn’t “exciting” or attractive to her. I was still confident enough through that to continue pursuing her and even won her over another man, and we dated for 2 years after that. But still, I never could feel safe with her and from then on I felt I was on my own with this, and ended up taking viagra and had shame about it, and put a wall up where I would never get close to my authentic feelings around our intimate life together. Sometimes we had great sex, but every now and then anxiety would creep into the bedroom and I would remember that I could not ever be “weak” in this way because having a need for emotional and sexual reassurance or validation, as she’d been explicit, was not attractive or exciting and I might lose her. Fast forward in the relationship, and over time I was building more and more pain over working on this on my own, trying to stop masturbating and watching porn, all the while what I now have come to realize after a lot of work, what I really needed was to be able to have a healthy conversation around this. Her parents ended up getting divorced, and she got depressed, lost some of her libido, and I unfortunately took that personally. Instead of being able to talk to her about feelings of inadequacy (because of course in my mind that would only be pouring gasoline on the fire to admit and talk about that, I’d be exposed for the weak man I felt like (and I only felt like this after this occurred, at first when I authentically and vulnerably asked for what I needed, a bit of time and commitment, I was actually super confident that it was a non issue and trusted her and myself both to overcome that together.) but instead of talking to her about the feelings of inadequacy and not having as much sex lately, I ended up just weaponizing my sadness and walking around like some martyr, subtlety guilting her for not wanting to have sex and me being such a good guy for not pressuring her into it and taking all the emotional rejection. Then she broke up with me, citing “control” and “pressure” as the key issues. I now understand how I WAS controlling her and pressuring her with my sadness, and not communicating with courage, directness, and vulnerability anymore. I ended up in the hospital twice after our breakup for overdosing and both times I was masturbating on amphetamines trying to cope with the huge emotional whole and sexual inadequacy I felt I was left for, and with this in my past, I fear future relationships and can think only of her. I am afraid that I won’t ever be able to trust a woman again with emotional vulnerability or having need for sexual validation or feelings inadequacy in that domain. I find myself (and hate to find myself) resenting women for wanting men to be confidence when I feel like men’s confidence does not happen in a vacuum. I can (and DO) kick ass in other areas of my life; I have a six pack, am working towards my doctorate, am breaking free from my social anxiety, and I’m in therapy working on this, but I feel that the only thing that can really help me is a healing experience with a woman who can accept me for this. Yet I am walking around thinking that to the extent I talk about any of this with a woman, it is to that very extent I’m viewed as “needy” and unattractive. The answer from girls I’ve talked to that I’m not interested in is “just have confidence in yourself, you’re a great guy!” But I can’t seem to trust a girl I’m interested in with this stuff for the real healing I think I probably need because I’m not sure I can bear another sexual rejection and watch her “friend zone” me and go have sex with some guy who is more confident. I wrote all this because I’ve heard you get close to some of this stuff, but maybe because it’s closer to the topic of actual sex you have not been very direct in addressing it. I really hope someone at healthygamer has the time to read this, and maybe some others in the community can thumbs up or reply/comment their thoughts or experiences, both men and women. Love you guys, thanks for all the helpful content ✌️
And here I thought I would need constant ambition! This approach to life makes much more sense, especially since i started taking meditation and my health more seriously. As always, thank you, Dr. K!
For me, detachment means I can spin and pivot all I want and my world stays in one place so I can view multiple perspectives with relative ease. When you're enmeshed, attached, overly invested in outcome... when you move, the world moves and you can't shift your perspective. IMO. The real challenge is keeping that up despite setbacks and challenges and not going back to emotionally attached habits our human/animal brains thirst for under stress.
I also see it that way! When I am not attached to the outcome, I give everything the benefit of the doubt and not make it about me. Then I can just accept that it is what it is. Sure, it may be sad sometimes and then I cry about it, but it wouldn't matter that much! The challenge is real. Sometimes when we are under stress, we tend to lose our awareness to our internal world. And because of that, we might not act the way we would if we were detached/aware. I guess the movie Inception and its idea of having a totem, to recognize if we are in an aware state, is not a bad idea. XD
An easy for me to not care what others think of me is realizing that people think just as much about what others think of them and very little time is spent judging you. What is a really embarrassing moment for you is just a blur to them. So just do your thing.
I've watched a lot of these videos discussing these different topics of mental health for the past year, and the many of the interviews as well. These have helped me start seeing a therapist regularly, which has been the most helpful thing I feel I could have done. Thank you so much for all of the help you've provided that helps challenge the stigma of pursuing the stigma that I've felt for getting help for where I've been. Since starting therapy I've noticed so many thought processes and ways I've distracted or disassociated with my feelings, and it'd been incredible all of the change that this has helped all the relationships in my life. It's still a journey for a lot of my interactions with my family, but I've never felt more hopeful for the future and I feel happier in my day to day. I struggle to put it into words, but life has been so much more positive and I wanted to express the benefit I've received from this type of content being available for free that has helped me pursue further help that I don't know I would have felt possible for myself to go after without this
Hmm most of this advice seems fine and I enjoyed the clear explanation of the difference between detachment and empathy. However, I would take some of the suggestions here with a grain of salt, especially when it comes to careers. For example, the person who feels stuck in their job because they're afraid of losing a source of income probably shouldn't "detach" from from that worry and quit. That's not attachment to ego; that's just basic survival...
You're confusing detachment with apathy. If you're detached, you'll organically choose to prioritize survival because it's necessary. You aren't bumbling around on autopilot, it's more about not being controlled by assumptions about what you're 'supposed' to do. You fall in line with your true desires, and yes survival is one of those desires. If you detach, do you think you would stop eating and die?
I randomly stumbled on to your channel and I can see what you’re doing for others. You don’t need my respect but you have it 100%! Keep doing what you’re doing.
I have autism, I struggle with apathy and depression. I find it hard to do the things I feel I desperately want to do. When I meditate on my feelings I can see the attachment to things and feel them in my chest. Like weeds with long stalks and wide leaves. For some reason in spite of me doing this the weed of my attachment remains blocking my progress. I do not know how to move beyond it.
I sometimes visualize things in meditation, and for me they are usually important to some kind of internal growth and healing. I love that you see weeds. Next time you see the weeds, maybe you can directly ask yourself “how do I heal the wounds from these weeds?” and listen/feel for some guidance? I kept coming across this advice many different places that I am not seeing my true inner strength and the answers to most struggles are already inside me. I would get frustrated because even if that’s true, how the heck do I tap into some inner wellspring of personal strength when I’m struggling? If I could, wouldn’t I not be struggling? Suddenly I realized I could just… ask myself. In my head. It feels absolutely ridiculous writing it out, but it’s helped me immensely. Maybe you need to visualize pulling the weeds out and what each one stands for, then amending/nurturing the soil so other things can grow. Maybe you need to reframe things and see the weeds as plants that you can cultivate like a garden. Maybe you need to see what the weeds are trying to hold together under the surface, like a crumbling foundation that hasn’t pulled apart because a plant’s root system is very precariously holding it all together. My hope for you is that you’ll be able to ask yourself, and gain some insight. Good luck!
Thank you for the video. Most people don't care about other people's opinions because of a large ego rather than the lack of it. That is, they think high / superior of themselves. So people's opinions dont matter to them. Only when the people's opinions start to matter to them, their ego hinders their progress (towards material gains, mostly). From there on, only letting go off the ego and progress in the spiritual path will work.
Hi Dr. K, I just started watching your videos. I really, really benefit from your choice of language -- I'm a long time listener of J. Krishnamurti's talks, and I've heard him say often things to the effect of 'don't meditate with a goal in mind' or 'as a means to an end,' but until this video, I couldn't take action. I was too skeptical about meditation as a practice -- but I ALWAYS try to remain aware in every moment of my daily life. I think now I have enough detachment to actually try sit-down meditation again and cultivate even further awareness. My dream is to have the same level of peace and clarity that I have when using stimulant medication (ADHD/CPTSD). ❤
This is essentially what going to HG Coaching was able to give me. A sense of detachment that allowed me to break down my personal resistances and develop ways to maintain things as well. It’s a freeing feeling that I wish I could help more of my loved ones to experience.
One of the most valuable videos yet for me. One little error I noticed was at 16:26 you say "Awareness precedes control" but the words above say "Awareness perceives control". It changed what I heard at first but going back, it made much more sense. Don't think it merits a re-upload but for anyone that sees this comment, I hope it helps. Keep up the great work!
As always, your timing is impeccable. Just a couple of days ago I journaled on whether I'm becoming naive / complacent or if instead I'm in the (healthy?) process of letting go. Thank you!
17:50 video games felt effortless and now the same is for gym. Because I learn and apply. Will do the same for working more and not getting distracted, procrastinating in getting started, getting back to work. I am detached need to just build up the work.
So what I struggle with is finding a balance between the EGO and Life. I would love to detach from everything, but I am afraid that will result in my ADHD self eating all the ice cream, playing all the video games, not working, and probably starving to death on the street in a couple of months. I feel like my EGO is what is keeping me alive and planning ahead.
You missed the point. Your ego is also part of the reason why you're resisting life to unfold. Practice meditation and observe your awareness to your reactions.
@@TheXello You seem to have an absolute view on detachment. It doesnt mean to let yourself go and be homeless, be unhealthy,etc. Like you said your struggle is balance and Im suggesting you just meditate and watch your thoughts. The watcher in your meditation allows you to practice detachment from your thoughts. In time, you will know who is the real you once you persist that practice.
@@IsaLang so, how do you watch your thoughts? do you helicopter view your self? how you react in certain situations to other people? how you feel ashamed or sad or anxious and how do you deal with that? you already know that it happened because it made you sad but how would meditation exactly help with that?
I never understood detachment and the difference with apathy. I thought it was just not caring about anything in life and got into not wanting to do anything because I was already happy, even though it would lead to problems in the future. I dare say knowing this is essential to my life, thank you very much.
That'd be a great video, just another example of how black or white thinking can be detrimental, too much optimism has slapped me in the face in the past many times
I think so far I actually mastered detachment. It took several painful years for me to somehow evolve to be detached. I didn't even have a name for it before this video. It's so freeing When I'm scared to apply for a job, I let myself feel scared and without a fight where emotions would have to double down to be felt, it just passes! I just feel scared, and then I don't I had so much cool experiences thanks to this. One time I spontaneously showed up at a party in a full silly unicorn costume. It turned out to be a blast. Earlier I would've been scared. I wouldn't even go to that party at all! Yet I still remember this experience fondly Some life inconveniences, like when I travel to some far away shop and it turns out they don't have the thing I wanted, even though it said they had it online - I allow myself to be sad and just let it go. Then I still take pleasure from the trip home, because then I get time to be in my head and imagine some cool scenarios, or listen to music, or draw in a lil notebook I really recommend trying this. It's been a nail in the coffin of my lifelong depression. Thanks for giving it a name for me, Dr. K :)
This was a very difficult topic to digest. many seemingly detached concepts was being put together. I appreciate you for always brining different perspectives to things Alok
Stoicism is a school of philosophy, right? And it teaches detachment. There are many eastern philosophies that resemble and complement stoicism. Like Zen buddhism in Japan or Taoism in China
I love watching your content every day Dr. K and I can't tell you how much this video in particular helped me realize what I needed. Thank you for all you do. I appreciate it and I am grateful for what you do.
You will pay the cost of being different if you are "too different" and don't conform. Sure, you can be free from your own anxiety, but the costs and rejections remain.
Wow... thank you for making this. I needed it so badly. I've been struggling with the social anxiety / loneliness loop, and the loneliness is getting dire. I went from seeing friends once a week or more, down to once every month or less. I didn't leave my house. Haven't dated since my last relationship ended 3 years ago. Social anxiety has been a life long struggle, but I kept remembering that it was easier around my late teens and early 20's. Why?.... I was deep into meditation then. Didn't figure it out til I watched your video, and so much more info! So thank you again. ❤
I’ve never felt more sure about the truth of the ego and this lesson. Here’s my story: I was in an abusive job situation where the boss would denigrate the employees which resulted in me attaching myself to my ego super tight to protect myself. Then after leaving the job I struggled with comparing myself and my success to others, not being able to take criticism, depression and a lack of joy. I knew that I just needed to enjoy myself and my days for what they are and not focus on accomplishing things. I could feel the detachment and the joy return to life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is the first time I've ever heard something spoken so clearly and concisely to what I struggle with. You are helping so many people and loving so many hearts with facts and intention. This was such a blessing to hear. Thank you for helping inspire me.
I just stumbled onto this MD yesterday, and so far the channel and content-as well as the doctor’s presentation-is excellent. Really good production value, … this guy has it all going on!
I am so glad that even as a teen I didn't give a shit what other people thought about me. Walked my own path to the beat of my own drum. The people who like me will gravitate to me and the people who don't I won't waste my time on.
@20:35 I feel this particular, specific advice isn't applicable to myself. That isn't to dismiss what you're suggesting, but an admission that I already do these things. In my situation, the more I actually understand something (not just wander about it), the less attachment I have towards it. I'm more considerate and understanding towards people and topics I know less about because I appreciate that I am not knowledgeable on why they are the way they are. It's when I am confident in my knowledge of something that I become indifferent towards it and lose any emotional feelings for it, positive or negative. It just becomes neutral. I'm only passionate about the things I am excited to learn about and lose all energy and motivation the more I feel I've come to fully understand it as there is nothing left to learn, nothing left to invest emotional and mental effort into trying to understand or figure out. Though I've also been diagnosed with anxiety, complex PTSD, and just last year with inattentive ADHD, waiting for May to be evaluated for personality disorders. These disorders could very well influence my attachments.
I mean, I am sure most people would like to believe and claim that they are self-aware, but I've had to consciously focus my attention onto things that everybody else just seems to naturally understand and accept. I had to not only be conscious of my own body language and facial expressions just so I wouldn't be a stiff board just moving my jaw up and down like a primitive robot, but pay careful attention to others' body language, expressions, tone, the context of the interaction, what the individual is currently living through and how it could effect their attitude and behaviour, like a dozen different processes I'm consciously thinking about and trying to work with without becoming too fixated or lost, just to have normal conversations with others. It certainly helps with acting and voice acting, I'll admit.
Sometimes just pausing to think "why don't I want to do this" and realizing "oh, it's entirely my social anxiety" is a great motivator to go "well rationally there's nothing but my own ego holding my back, so screw it - time to commit and do this!"
i think you're on the right path. self realization is the key in "solving" your struggles.
Yes I'm like that.
As soon as I realise I'm hesitant to do something because of 'fear' but there's no actual danger involved, then I will immediately do it exactly because of that.
Or you realize that it's just not your thing, and try to look for something you actually want instead
@@iluxa-4000 that's what social anxiety wants you to think.
Thats an amazing thought I love that
Inshort: Don't kill the part of you that is cringe, kill the part of you that cringes.
What if the part of you that cringes is also the part itself that wants to kill 🤔
Wow beautifully said.
hell nah not this thought
I feel like the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once does a great job of showing just how little what other people think of you, actually matters. How few things in life legitimately matter, except a few very core things. And if you let go of all the busyness in your head, you can allow yourself to enjoy life, and you can feel lighter and more satisfied.
Lmao
@@slamkam07 lol
This movie did absolutely nothing for me, it felt like a load of crap to be honest. I don't get how basically everyone else loved it and found it helpful. I don't get it lol
@@Vivivofi It wasn't 'helpful'- it was entertaining, at least to me.
@@Vivivofi Hmm I guess it just depends on perspective. That movie did a great job at zooming out and showing the bigger picture when it comes to what we tie to our self-worth, family, and life path. I personally think it put in perspective how little the day to day things matter in the scope of the larger things that make life meaningful, like how you treat other people and how you see yourself in spite of external factors like your job, financial situation, success, etc.
Thank you! Everyone always says I’m unmotivated, apathetic, detached, etc. but it’s actually the opposite I care way too much about things that aren’t even worth thinking about. But it isn’t just a simple decision to cap valuing something, you need to actually think about why you value it and why valuing something is holding you back and if it actually matters.
This is literally me 😭
there’s nothing wrong with you buddy. having the skill to ignor and not think about things that cause anxiety is very useful. most people will continue stressing and thinking about a problem even if the thoughts are completely unproductive. to be able to ignore the unproductive stress and focus on what’s important is great. keep working on yourself and one day we’ll all make it!
Yeah, to be honest the hardest part about detaching myself is other people thinking I'm apathetic. Honestly, most of the time I don't really care about what other people think, but it's hard to count how many times my wife started an argument with me because she thought I didn't care about anything. As an example, I'm content with my life, I don't need to buy stuff and want stuff to fill some void in my heart. But she used to think the reason I would be fine with any gift she bought me was because I don't care about anything. No, I'm just happy with how things are, I don't miss things I don't have ;-; that doesn't mean I won't use or won't like anything else I get
@@SirZelean Damn, that sucks. I hope she realizes what you're feeling and doesn't create unbased reasons for it.
Doesn't sound like a comment made from watching the video but reading the title 🤨
Im studying psychology and watching your videos is one of my favorite hobbies. An inspiration to me!
Studying in actual psychological college or university?
@@прогеимс-е3ж not everyone can afford to do that. Me for example I can’t afford to go to college but as long as you know how to correctly do research and fact check things, it’s really easy to study freely on the internet
@@jenana6882It’s hard to stay motivated when self studying, how do you do it? In any case, I hope you achieve your goals!
@@uga3086 you give yourself grace lol. I have ADHD and sometimes my studying is just watching and reading a ton of info and taking notes but not before I have to rewind a bunch lol
@@jenana6882 do you take meds?
We appreciate your effort and hard work on this channel. Bless you.
Literally, watch everyday. Thank you
let's appreciate the effort he puts inside us
I appreciate your amogus pfp
@@MilkerTony *come* again?
"When we detach, we are actually moving away from ourselves and towards the world". Brilliantly said. Excellent video as always Dr K.
I always thought I'm just detached and this video shown me that I'm actually apathetic, and that's why I'm stuck in life
That’s not true though when you detach you are moving away from the world.
@@Darkloid21 sounds like you didn't watch the video to me.
@@Carby.J I did that’s how I know he was wrong about it. The yogi’s moved away from the world with detachment, not towards it. A lot of eastern wisdom is about moving away from worldly affairs, hence the monasteries and stuff.
How could he get such a basic fact about detachment so wrong.
@@Darkloid21 I think the point he's trying to make is that we should detach from our ego and ourselves to be more present and aware, and not be held back by our automatic thoughts about the world. Not to escape the actual world, and when we detach from ourselves we begin to filter out the world in general because we no longer have an ego holding us back that locks us into how we're supposed to be, which can be very limiting and scary.
That's how I interpreted it.
just had a therapy session about this very topic, and my therapist suggested the same thing! He said I should notice the things that excite me (motivate me) and notice the barriers to action (resistances). He didn't put it in "detachment" terms, but it's similar enough for me to be impressed that they both have the same answer.
If I may ask, what style of therapy is it?
Hey, now you have one (more) reason to rest assured that you have a good therapist!
What if others excite me? This is my problem. I feel like the only thing that makes fun for me is other people. Im not interested in things in particular. Im interested on what impression the thing i do delivers to others. Do you know what i mean?
@@poohdini2392 Do you practice any performing arts? Sounds like it'd be perfect
@@LiberMentis-LM hm more like a people person.
I find it fascinating how in Dr. K's examples, "loneliness" parallels "ambition." I've always felt that "loneliness" carried a negative connotation while "ambition" carried a positive one.
I used to consider myself ambitious, but in the last 2-3 years I've felt like I lost my ambition -- beating myself up for it and wondering where it went. This video makes me realize that maybe I shouldn't be asking "why have I lost ambition?", rather I should ask "why did I ever need ambition?"
" felt that "loneliness" carried a negative connotation while "ambition" carried a positive one."
You start to understand "ambition" in negative concept/context when you get fired from long term job - and then you have time to reflect back that you will not get medal for your efforts, that other people can do without you just fine and that nobody will appreciate anything you did no matter how wonderful and helpful it was.
Then it makes more sense to do stuff in this world which we really like to do - rather than pleasing image and someone's opinion of us that we have certain level or position which appears acceptable by someone. And instead of chasing other people's impressions and approvals - that we chase our own intrinsic locus of control as ambition, not toxicity just for the sake of pleasing approval of other people.
Wow I almost laughed when he said the loneliness is stronger than the social anxiety because I was a shut in basically but the loneliness sent me into wanting to date and yup first guy I dated I married and he's a narcissist
@@leahflower9924 This is true for so many of us.
And we convince ourselves it's not that bad, that we are too sensitive, CBT will enforce belief that toxic people do not exist and that we can change other people by nitpicking our intrusive worry thoughts (via ABC Model) and label our thoughts as abnormal - not the actual abusive person who is causing all the problems.
@@leahflower9924 ambition does something similar. It puts you in places where things dont work. I was calling it impulsive until i saw this video. Makes a lot of sense. I can observe this in other seemingly ambitious ppl too.
Yup, there seems to be both negative and positive things if I say "ambition". But I dont even quite understand why, on a superficial level.
Maybe the issue is that "ambition" is a goal onto itself, and therefor kinda empty. Being generally "ambitious" carries a sense of not knowing where you actually want to go, and blindly following a behaviour that has a (weirdly) positive connotation.
That would be where awareness helps. If you vaguely know where youd like to be in the long term, but clearly know where you want to be in the short term, why you want to be there, and how to get there, then you dont really need general ambition as a motivator.
Seems like a lot of "overworking" and frustration about the meaningless of their own work is comes from this lack of awareness, taking general principles like "ambition" in an attempt to find meaning.
Dr. K was an absolute therapy wizard, always predicting the counter-arguments my brain would make. Right on the money every time, including the indignant clamping down to save myself from the pain of hoping and being burned.
I've got a lot to think about. I don't want to, but I think that means I should, so I'm going to try. Thank you.
As simple if a concept comfort is, I feel like it is at the core of almost everything we do. It's status drives our actions, fuels our fears, and forms our biases. From there, I realize that when you really boil everything down, we're all the same. We all want to be heard and validated at one point or another. I dunno. I'm prob just rambling.
nice comment, thank you :)
"I dunno. I'm prob just rambling." next time you talk, don't write or say this to yourself. You'll feel better. Your original comment is spot on, stop doubt yourself.
yep. its true.
@@tme98 beautiful reply to a beautiful comment
6:46 "Detachment is _not_ about detaching from the world, it's actually about detaching from your self."
There is the pullquote!
Against odds, I have had two NDEs in my life, and a couple of very intentional and healthy entheogen 'trips' to dissociated places, and the greatest gifts I've received from them are an experiential knowledge of the value of detachment from self. I hope that everybody can get to a place where they can conjure that feeling at a moment's notice as well.
I work as a Psychiatric Technician at a mental health hospital.
I study Dr.K's videos and take notes so I can lead group therapy sessions.
This video with this subject came at the perfect time.
Thank you, Dr.K and thank you to the HealthyGamerGG crew.
you basically you're like that doctor from family guy who reads wikipedia before going to do the surgery lol
@@juleslefumiste9204 it's not even remotely comparable...
@@xLuis89x if you're flat-headed nothing's comparable
@@juleslefumiste9204 HG doesn't replace a degree in psychology, but he spreads factual information that can be used in real life. If he already has a formation, I don't see a problem in taking some points from Dr. K videos.
@@juleslefumiste9204 better than the people who are full of themselves. Learning never ends
I feel this hard. I'm the kind of person that won't go to an event if I don't know the parking situation in advance, or if I don't know the layout of the building. These things have always had a tight grip on me.
Im the same way, its brutal lol. Its gotten worse over the years so I feel like I cant just blame my brain on it
Dude fr. It sucks. But at the same time freeing once you got the courage to face that fear. Your brain’s reaction will be like “see… it wasnt so bad as we thought it is”
Practice it. The first time will be hell, but the more often you are exposed to hell the more comfortable it gets.
I too struggle with parking arrangements for example. The other day we went out for dinner with work and I am directionally challenged.
So initially I didnt want to go (I was going to make up an excuse) but I decided to just suck it up and go for it.
I asked one of my coworkers where I could park, he told me the name of a hotel.
I told my coworkers in advance I would probably get lost.
Turns out there were 2 hotels with that name, I parked at the wrong one and I ended up getting lost.
I told them by phone I got lost, ended up walking 15minutes, found them (thanks google) and we had a good laugh about me being so bad with directions.
After dinner one of my coworkers took me (in her car) to the parkinglot that had my car.
Moral of the story; eventhough "worst case" scenario did happen it wasn't as bad as I had feared and a good group of people will help you manage the failures.
Recently, a friend of mine from work invited me to go snowboarding with him and I actually went and had the time of my life. This is something I probably would have refused a year ago and because of my practice with detaching from myself and learning to just go with things, it's opened me up to so many opportunities and experiences that I would never have done before.
I'm screenshoting this comment and putting it on my current blog about social anxiety - as motivation.
👆👍💘
Through meditation?
Personal thought - the word 'guru' has a specific root & a specific meaning - 'one who brings others out from darkness, into light'.
For me this creator is 100% worthy of such a descriptor.
i love that dancing example. at some point in everybody's childhood, we were made fun of for something like dancing. everyone that happened to had to make a choice - whether they liked dancing more than they liked being liked by other people or whether other people's opinions mattered more than their own pleasure. most people one way or another have to fight time and time again to be themselves because of other self-conscious people who project their self consciousness outward and shame/judge others. we get to choose whether we want to enjoy our lives by being detached. it's awesome. loooove this video. not caring what other people think is the most freeing thing ever!
This is easier said than done. For me the struggle is that I want to talk out loud, study, laugh and just do my thing but the catch is I don't have my own room. I sleep at the living room since there isn't enough space for my siblings and I in our tiny house. I am a private person and not having privacy has been very challenging for me lately. I have to learn to detach and just do my thing. Anxiety is just winning at the moment. Got to catch up..
Same here.
Same over here. I have to talk to myself out loud to reflect and make my life on the right track. But I can't afford to move out and live by myself.
"This is easier said than done"
HE is not talking about Life is a Rose Garden here.
He is not talking that with Detachment suddenly all our life will magically become perfect and without problems and we will bathe in money and have enough of everything.
He is talking about mindset - that if we think in a way that we react to toxic people and hard reality of life - without looking it from more than one angle - that the decisions and motivations and paths we take in life will be limited and hence we will miss many chances how to react better in problems we currently have.
It is counter-intuitive but when we are in difficult times in life, when we do not have money, when we do not have perfect ambient as you described - not having room for yourself - we tend to numb these realities and chase for quick and easy solutions - which most of the times are wrong and create more problems later on. And the most damaging is that toxic people will always sniff out our default reaction to react to life - and toxic people will always magically offer exactly what we need to help us "solve" our acute problems - but with hidden prices to pay later on.
When we are aware and when we let go of chasing what other people think of us - we will notice far more solutions in life that we otherwise be blind.
When we cover up our pain and shame and difficulties - we numb it down. When we are numbed - as it is said in this video - we don't resolve anything, we simply react and make horrible decisions in life - based on reaction, quick oversimplifications, and our fears and panic become our masters - and we are not even aware of them being our commanders.
The same as Trump idea to build a wall - we invest money into stopping something which could be resolved in better and healthier way other than creating division and hatred in society. Then our wall becomes our focus in life rather than resolving acute issues which we ignore due to our focus in the wall.
@@ranc1977 thats actually really wise
That's just being a kid
This is weirdly perfectly timed
He's 4D chessing all of us. It's been a slow progression of videos, we're all being lead in the right direction as a community
We all need it
@@Jhawk_2k just wait in 30 years he'll post a video about how to deal with a midlife crisis
Being 22, I realized many of these things a long while ago but even the elucidation of detachment actually meaning removing oneself from the ego and actually coming _closer_ to the world instead of farther, was really poetic and beautiful in an intellectual manner. That was great. What I've always thought is this- you make your life the easiest by establishing paths of least resistance. If you ever go canoeing you'll quickly realize you actually move alot farther on a river if you row with the current, instead of trying to row against it, despite the inverse proportion of effort you are exerting.
"canoeing you'll quickly realize you actually move alot farther on a river if you row with the current"
That is literal definition of Wu Wei concept.
@@ranc1977 true, it’s like a synchronicity between mind, body, soul in relation to the world.
@@TheBanjoShowOfficial It makes sense with psychology - that when we resist - things will persist, as Jung said.
I’ve never considered ego as being a barrier towards motivation like this. when I think about pursuing things I want it’s like I try to imagine every reason why it would be laborious or a waste of time or some other excuse not to do it. fear of failure or inadequacy is huge.
i think this also connects to how we want to avoid negative emotions whenever possible, we don’t want to consider any setbacks. getting stuck in the middle of an art assignment is so unbelievably painful for me, but i can only finish a piece I like if I push through that discomfort. good things are worth that discomfort.
thank you so much for the work that you do.
@FlyingMonkies325 " learn take it one step at a time rather than worrying about the whole thing"
I would add two factors here:
1) External factor - toxic people who put coercive control on us, who are pathological liars and hence give us fake information and mislead us, gaslight us , so we base our decisions on deliberate wrong messages
2) Internal factor such as RSD which is like internalized toxic person inside us which gives us fake wrong messages of fear and urge to care what other people think.
Both factors are not easy to overcome but technique explained in this video helps a lot.
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
I know everyone always says it, but the timing here is out of this world. I was listening to a long philosophy video about this exact concept yesterday.
Then I got high AF and was processing it last night. I'm realizing this is one of my core problems right now, letting go is hard
hey, could you share the link to that video? or share the name?
Also jumping in cause I want to know haha
@@moira_cat6835 yeah ima need that link too fr
I think I'm never gonna get over this because I can't open up to anyone and even if I could, I doubt I can afford a therapist for the amount of time necessary to make any change.
I gotta get this link
You're so on point. One day I was at a party, and I was trying to dance with my girlfriend, she was criticizing (with good intent) how I was dancing out of synch. I explained to her that's because I was depersonalizing, I was stressed out. It felt like I was "dettached from myself, from my body". She didn't understand, because for her, If I really were "detached from myself", it would be positive, I wouldn't care. But in fact my "dettachment" was more like an overattachment to myself, I was outside, but i'm was watching myself.
Maybe you could describe that as being self-conscious.
@@thederpydude2088 I was literary seeing myself from the outside. When I'm self conscious, it's not always from the outside :)
Doctor K answering stuff I've been pondering for the last 3-4 days. Here's to you, sir!
Same
Same, last month or so for me. I had a moment of pure detachment from my creative work and immediately had a powerful sense of the world opening up to me, as if I had permission to enjoy it without worry.
My self esteem is going up significantly and Im not idealizing my work as much which is reducing stress and steering me clear of decision paralysis.
Its still a journey but now I see that I must detatch my ego from my work. The good and the bad as it all accrues a debt.
@@cory99998 goals. sad part is i had this before but it got corrupted again. it isnt a permanent state once you achieve it, one must continue cultivating it
This channel is exactly what I’ve been looking for!! I have the most apathetic position and I now understand that my addictions have been ways to quiet my ego making my situation worse. I was a completely non functioning alcoholic for nearly 10 years. I have been sober 3 years after treating my inattentive ADD but most issues in my life have continued to decline finding new ways to silence my nagging inner compass. Recently I’ve taken to saying compulsive, self-depreciating things when I reflect on mistakes I’ve made in the past. Now what I know what to focus my attention to, I feel a rush of confidence to realign the trajectory of my life. Hiring a therapist today. Thank you.
I liked the phrase at 16:45 : "Without awareness that there is a problem, they can't really fix it.". It can get really complicated when I am proudful of my problem, and when society encourages the problem saying that it is good.
Dr. K, could you make a video about EndeavorRx? It’s an FDA-authorized prescription video game for pediatric ADHD. 🎮
A lot of the time I'm thinking to myself "Do I really wanna do this" And my mind starts going on about how hard or not worthwhile it would be.
So I started asking myself "IF you could do it easily with no effort, would you want to do this?". And if the answer is yes, I know that's something I really want and perhaps the way to get there is to work on removing the resistance. I wouldn't know for sure
Same...is it worth it? Will it even work? Will I even be motivated to even doing it in the first place?
Understanding if something is worthwhile is super important though. We don't have a ton of time on earth, so knowing what's worth while before you do it is an incredibly important skill to learnm
Uhh... by that logic, i want pretty much everything. If i could do it easily with no effort, i do want to do so many things in life. From just running down the road to being able to work as a doctor. Is it how it's supposed to be?
>i cant afford to do this or that is an attachment
i never thought this was the case until now. i got too caught up in scarcity mindset because im always anxious about the future and financial stability due to fear of not making it. it all really comes down to practicing ones mindset in order to overcome these barriers so that i can function better and thus not fall into the trap of this self-perpetuating negative feedback loop regardless of what happens. its still something i struggle with to this day.
I know that trying to evaluate what you want to do is important sometimes, but you really need to just need to change your actions or improvise upon it along the way instead of coming up with the perfect solution or decision at the start, because analysis paralysis is the least productive thing that you want to do. thats how you actually grow as a person.
tl;dr just start something as soon as you can when you feel like its really something you want to do.
@@selensewar That's not quite how it's interpreted. The point isn't to underplay difficult things in life, there's a lot that requires lots of effort and time (like becoming a doctor as you said). But it's about finding out what you would like do and what motivates you. Sometimes it's difficult to understand ourselves and find our motivations for small things, because our anxiety barrier is higher than our intrinsic motivation.
What I got from this video is that he's talking about detachment from the ego and worry about all things in relation to self image and self judgement. It is freeing to imagine myself like this. I care about the world and my personal goals, I'm just not judging myself every single step of the way while living life.
It's great. As a psychologist I can tell you that his understanding of what a healthy mind should be is something that is not common in this "profession". He combines his different training and experiences so well... it is very noticeable. Thank you.
I want to sincerely thank you for spending your time talking through this stuff with all of us. It means a lot. Thank you for using the most valuable thing in the universe (Time), to help, teach, and encourage others. I admire you.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:00 🧘 *Detachment, often associated with spiritual traditions, is about removing oneself from their own ego, not from the world.*
01:40 🔄 *Detachment and apathy are opposites; Detachment lowers resistance, enabling motivation beyond relying on ambition or loneliness.*
06:46 🌐 *Detachment is not about giving up attachments but freeing oneself from ego-driven constraints, allowing a more genuine and fulfilling life.*
10:43 🛑 *Attachments to ego, opinions, and fears create resistance; Detachment separates from these, making life's pursuits driven by curiosity and interest.*
13:48 🔍 *Cultivating Detachment involves developing awareness, understanding the mechanics of one's thoughts and actions, making life more effortless.*
18:43 🧘 *Meditation is a key practice for developing detachment by enhancing awareness, not just a solution to specific problems.*
19:39 🤔 *Spending time with oneself helps build awareness of reactions, providing insights into attachments and driving motivators.*
20:35 🔄 *Notice your own reactions, especially skepticism, to the idea of cultivating detachment; skepticism often reveals emotional resistance and attachments.*
22:25 ⚖️ *Resistance to trying detachment methods often stems from negative emotions and attachments; awareness of this resistance is crucial for cultivating detachment.*
Made with HARPA AI
My reactions were like this:
1. Saw that Dor. K uploaded a new video: “nice!”
2. Says Detachment is actually good: “OMG I must watch this right away! I’ve been thinking about this all year.”
3. *watches the video* … “YES! This is so reassuring! I mean, my meditation skills are still a disaster, but yes! Detachment does lower that resistance and despair and it does get easier to do things. It even somehow does some woo-woo magic something I don’t know what, and the people who can help you in your path start to show up. No kidding.”
4. “I feel that I can leave a comment sharing all this.”
Thank you for what you do Dr. K.
Gud Comment.
Thanks for your comment! Your comment inspired me to write a comment. Normally i am afraid of commenting on videos because nobody is going to like it it or care about it and i’ll just come off looking silly. Here’s to us practicing detachment!
@@Lestertails2 I've felt that worry a little bit myself, too, but a good response to it might be to think about how bad it really even could be. Usually I can conclude that the worst thing that could really happen is that I'll get no response or that some internet strangers will think it's weird or something, which isn't really so bad, so I might as well just post the comment.
18:03 As a longtime guitar player, I would like to add that motor memory makes a lot of things easy. When it is present, everything is easy. This is what rehearsals are for. That is, an experienced gamer is good not only because he knows the theoretical basis of the game, but also his hands, his eyes and even his thoughts move according to certain patterns and they are used to doing it automatically, instantly and naturally. To exactly repeat all this, a beginner will need an incredible amount of energy and not the fact that this will help.
I am so greatfull I found this channel. You actually explain the theory and explain how to aply it. Other ''self help'' channels and sites sometimes give good insight but then you walk out as if you learnt nothing because they don't show how to use that knoledge. You actually do that. I am learning so much. Thank you.
Right now I'm trying to buld up and understanding of myself and my feelings, because I have ''emotional color blindness'' as you put it the other day, which was also a great video.
Dancing Fool and Disco Boy songs by Frank Zappa came to mind when you brought up dancing!!!!!
Incredible vid ty dr k. I had the concept of detachment completely wrong until now, and i 100% agree detachment from one's ego is necessary .
Thanks!
I was thinking about this description of detachment vs apathy in light of my journey through therapy, it seems to boil down to "what are you detaching from?" Apathy is detaching from meaning and community, while this model of detachment is removing the things that stand in the way of meaning and community. And that's why they're opposites.
It's a cool way of understanding this experience, and exactly what I need right now. Thank you!!
This is what I've been trying to understand. I've been trying to understand the meaning of detachment. I've been detached from my ego since a long time ago, but never fully understood the mechanism. Thank you for opening my eyes dr. K!
This is such valuable wisdom. You've posted so many amazing insights, especially the last month. I just want to say thank you. You're really giving me the secret controls of my mind to steer my life on my own.
I want to appreciate how clear you now explain the philosophy behind certain ideas. It makes me really get on board with what you're saying because I can choose to assent or dissent on any point, then the other, then the other, ... and by the end I'm fully onboard, and motivated to apply it.
This is especially great because it was frustrating to not have this, and instead hear that "everything is one and we're all energy and ...". The people in those spiritual communities were always too vague, and so I dismissed most of it.
I wish you'd go even further, and go into detail about how the Buddhists saw the mind exactly, while still relating it to Western psychology if possible, so I can understand the connections, which (edit) I now realise is probably what the guide is about. I'm very likely going to buy this soon, you're videos have proven to me it will be anything but dissappointing.
Anyways, I just want to say thank you again, and I wish you continue for a long time.
Dr K has gone into different eastern conceptions of the mind before, I think both in videos here on RUclips and in the guide. I have all of the guide modules, and it’s a great value and the organization is certainly helpful. For anyone who can’t afford the guides, I think he’s talked about most or all of it in the free youtube videos over the years - that’s just a lot of content to go through. He talks about eastern conceptions of the mind and parts of the mind (particularly the ahumkara, manas, and buddhi) in the Meditation module of the guide.
To clarify, Dr K is not a Buddhist, from what he’s said in the past. If I understand correctly, his training as a monk was within Advaita Vedanta, which has many similarities but is not a form of Buddhism. I say this because I got interested in the philosophies Dr K talks about when he lets himself get into the spiritual side of things, so if you want to dive in as well it is probably helpful to have the term Advaita Vedanta to start your search. I get the impression that Dr K wants to share useful insights and philosophies without crossing the line into proselytizing or alienating folks who have different religious beliefs but could still benefit greatly from these teachings that aren’t strictly religious in the way we tend to understand religion in the West, especially the US. He always seems very thoughtful about respecting whatever religious beliefs his listeners may have and will even explain if a particular meditation might be classified as more religious in nature, why that would be, and what it would mean culturally to use that practice.
I’ve been dealing with some shitty anxiety due to rejection sensitivity recently, and this video helped me firmly plant my feet on the ground for the time being, cleared my head, and allowed me to think. Thank you Dr. K! You’re giving me the tools I need to improve myself
Thank you for making this video! You are a mentor to me
Thanks!
These topics are really needed.
You really know what people think and how they should think.
It's a great work done by you.
Hats off!
This is one of your most important videos, in my opinion.
Just in time for getting over a girl I thought was the one. She was the first girl I had a crush on in 8 years and the first I ever told. It was really hard because of depression, anxiety and Anhedonia along with autism. Thank you
3:38 ambixiuos enough overcome disliking work, but result in burnout
6:01 the more i care for no loneliness the more i motivate myself forward but not healthy
6:54 detach not form the world, from yourself, removal from own ego
8:35 detachment form ego
10:12 resitance compotion of emotion and ego
12:21 atachements related to job
13:07 detachmenet lowers the resistance
This is a great video! I've questioned the value and goal of meditation. I've also struggled with harboring toxic motivation like loneliness because it was how I learned to seek my own improvement.
The explanation here was a clear summary about how to move beyond my maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. For me at least, this is one of the most valuable videos on the channel because it puts the reason to seek detachment in one place that I can come back and reference
The dancing example taught me that sometimes you need to make small gains in an area that is safe ie in lessons so that your confidence can help you detach from the ego more easily. It's easier to not care what others think when you can fall back on your own confidence that you've at least gained some skill.
My biggest problem right now, is not wanting to work but not wanting to work 40 hours a week and only having 2 days off.
same here
I used to be the same way but I worked my way up, now I do 40 hours production work at Tesla and Landscaping (my passion) part time.
Same. I get paid well and all but i never have the energy to study the things i want to in my free time due to exhaustion and the need of escapism
Great video. Actually reinforcing an experience I have been having for the past couple of weeks, that focusing on what I can do for myself in the world in the moment instead of what I envy and expect of my self, really made me more calm and less anxious. Letting go of my Ego driven thoughts and dread, focusing on myself in the here and now in the world, suddenly makes day to day life much less painful, and I can actually get things done and be proud of myself, when I'm not paralyzed.
This channel is gold for understanding emotions.
It works! The compound interest from the time and energy spent to meditate will patch the time and energy wasted when making money or plans and doing tasks with your character.
This is quite powerful. The concept didn’t click for me until the conclusion. I think it’s analogous to a chemical reaction, instead of increasing the energy of the system to create a reaction, lower the activation energy.
I treat everything I do as a meditation and try to practice a nonjudgmental curiosity to everything whether comfortable or uncomfortable. It's been instrumental in how I live my life which is happy and fulfilled for the most part. But happiness isn't even pleasure pleasure pleasure, it's the feeling of being with instead of being against
Detachment is a superpower, I can honestly attest to it.
So in my case; I feel like I've always been doing this and noticed that it HAS been working. Interestingly enough; I've always been my own "devil's advocate" when observing my own reaction to things. That started from first spending so much time by myself; in my own head, debating myself on random things and then it just started happening on its own, in realtime in the midst of consuming something -- like this video.
And then it flickered back in my mind - that one video about the guy on Reddit who struggled with feeling too smart and how I felt similar to him; but then I wondered if this itself; was a form of my own ego, attaching to this? I've always felt similar to that guy in that segment; however, not for the same reasons. Instead; it was just because I did nothing more than "buff-up" my own awareness from an early age by observing and being critical of my own reaction to things; by debating myself on thoughts I stumbled across randomly (which I recall from a Big Think video is how meditation is somewhat supposed to actually work; where you separate yourself from a thought a disect it).
Constantly doing this for the last 20+ years have made me self-aware but unaware that many people never did; so I felt as if something was wrong with me or "I'm too smart" whereas others were just doing things in blissful ignorance and I'm still trying to tackle the feelings and thoughts surrounding that. It always made me fear interacting with others; because I'd worried about not being understood yet; being envious of them because they could easily make meaningful connections and relationships and felt understood. For what it's worth, my relationship life has been going swell within the last 2-3 years as I've even - surprisingly - gotten married about 6 months ago! Also; ironically, because of lowering those same resistances.
All of this is just to say; I'm still battling with the "Maybe I'm too smart" issue, but I definitely understand and full-heartedly agree with everything said here. Albeit; I don't think it applies to me -- at least; not in everything (I definitely still have some resistances to lower with some social interactions).
"Too smart" is a strange way to put it. I don't think you can be too smart, it must be something else. Overthinking, maybe? I relate to you though, I grew up debating my own thoughts and still do, but in my adulthood that technique alone doesn't cut it sometimes. Eventually I learned to lie to myself in order to protect my ego.
Interesting! Been dealing with the same kind of feeling for as long as I can remember - not feeling like you get other people and that they wouldn't get you - which has been putting some serious constraints on my drive to interact with other people. However, the more I've noticed myself detaching from my ego, the less the resistance has become.
Now, rather than feeling judged and that I have something to prove, I view meeting new people as a chance to learn about them, expand my empathy and connect over small things. Even if they'll never get me completely, shallow connections become meaningful in themselves. It's definitely hard to put into words, but not letting your ego get in the way, or distance yourself by letting the "I'm too smart" manifest itself, feeling included and connected to others has become a lot easier.
Love Dr. K. He’s able to articulate so well down to the root of a problem while staying true to the methods of inquiry.
I really liked this video bc I can relate to this a lot. Ofc here’s little 6 grader me, awkward and nervous. I don’t know what clicked in my brain but I detached before I even knew what I was actually doing. Detaching gave me a sense of confidence, and stride to step to and ever sense I felt like a free bird. I literally just stop caring what people thought. Even deeper thought, I logically walked myself through that by reminding myself, if I’m in my head, others may also be in their head too, therefore, distracted by what I’m doing. So that beg me the question, why should I care what others think if Ik that their too distracted with themselves to care what I look or sound like.
Note to self
> detach yourself from expecting great results just because you put effort instead put effort, follow a routine, do what you need to do and use the result as a tool to analyse your growth and nothing else. And maintain thie without expecting amazing results or appreciation.
This is making something very complicated seem easy. You have to be aware of your own faults and in this mind space they will become less of an obstacle
As someone that has been struggling for almost two decades now with lack of motivation/apathy/meaninglessness/boredom/whatever you wanna call it, this video hit very close to home. I had heard/read a few things about these eastern philosophies that promote detachment, meditation, letting go of desire etc and didn't make any sense. I mean here I am, with very few attachments, desires or motivations, just floating through life without a direction. And yet I feel nothing like enlightenment or happiness, what am I missing? Dr K explaining the difference between detachment and apathy was eye-opening so thank you for this 🙏
Feels like a group project with someone I don’t like (me) and don’t trust to do their bit (also me). But this project is the only way I graduate.
07:21 'Removing yourself from your own ego is detachment.'
Now that is a beautiful sentense! It thought the title of your movie must meant something more deep, and here we have it.
Has this channel ever considered a sort of course-style, long formatted videos on the topic of creativity? I know you’ve made plenty of videos. But like, anything that is a sort of guideline for “gifted kids” to achieve their creative dreams, mannn I’d buy that.
He has plenty of videos about the topic you pertained to.
YES! This is exactly how I feel. I value plenty of things, but I've often wondered whether being "detached" is a good thing. I've ended up detaching myself naturally, I didn't really have to try. Everything I do has an overtone of "Huh, OK."
I love learning things, but the reaction I give is more of a "Huh, that's neat," than anything else. It's not that I don't care. I really do. It just doesn't go to my ego.
Thank you for validating my situation. So few people seem to act this way, I wasn't sure if I was doing something helpful or sinking into a dangerous behavior.
I have a personal request for content that hopefully others would also benefit from as well! Can you please make some videos addressing how to get over an ex and perhaps specifically how to not let the experience of rejection make you jaded and less trusting of love or expecting similar rejection in the future? I find myself terrified of being vulnerable with women because I feel that whenever I expressed emotional vulnerability with my ex I was met with distancing and even if I got support I felt that I was viewed as less sexually attractive. Now I walk around with resentment (that I’m aware is an issue of mine and unattractive, that I’d like to shake and let go of) that to be sexually attractive I can’t really express any genuine negative emotion unless it is very short lived and it can’t be about having sexual trauma or loss of confidence around this very issue. It feels like a twisted paradox where I cannot express to a woman the very need I have which is sexual validation and trust that she is genuinely attracted to me because I now view a lack of confidence around that to be fundamentally unattractive to women. I think it is a super common thing in our community but very difficult to talk about, and is also the sexual core of your videos on “why men feel rejected”. Your talk with Sweet Anita I think was missing this element that is central to the discussion: so many men are expected to be confident and sexually/romantically confident but on what grounds? Doesn’t that confidence need to be developed experientially with a partner who appreciates and supports you? So then what if a lack of having that to begin with is fundamentally unattractive to most women and viewed as “needy”? I think this leads to men not feeling safe to be authentically vulnerable and instead pretend to be more macho and stereotypically “masculine” than they really feel because it seems that a lot of women these days are not willing to help a man to build up his confidence. In my relationship, early on I had the courage to ask for what I needed, just a few weeks for her to be patient with me while I got more comfortable with her because I was having performance anxiety as she was the woman of my dreams and I was terrified to lose her due to losing my erection. I was confident that if she would commit to me for just a few weeks to see, to put some trust in me (or heck, even encourage me) that it would be a non issue. Instead, she told me explicitly (albeit very politely because she is a great person) that that wasn’t “exciting” or attractive to her. I was still confident enough through that to continue pursuing her and even won her over another man, and we dated for 2 years after that. But still, I never could feel safe with her and from then on I felt I was on my own with this, and ended up taking viagra and had shame about it, and put a wall up where I would never get close to my authentic feelings around our intimate life together. Sometimes we had great sex, but every now and then anxiety would creep into the bedroom and I would remember that I could not ever be “weak” in this way because having a need for emotional and sexual reassurance or validation, as she’d been explicit, was not attractive or exciting and I might lose her. Fast forward in the relationship, and over time I was building more and more pain over working on this on my own, trying to stop masturbating and watching porn, all the while what I now have come to realize after a lot of work, what I really needed was to be able to have a healthy conversation around this. Her parents ended up getting divorced, and she got depressed, lost some of her libido, and I unfortunately took that personally. Instead of being able to talk to her about feelings of inadequacy (because of course in my mind that would only be pouring gasoline on the fire to admit and talk about that, I’d be exposed for the weak man I felt like (and I only felt like this after this occurred, at first when I authentically and vulnerably asked for what I needed, a bit of time and commitment, I was actually super confident that it was a non issue and trusted her and myself both to overcome that together.) but instead of talking to her about the feelings of inadequacy and not having as much sex lately, I ended up just weaponizing my sadness and walking around like some martyr, subtlety guilting her for not wanting to have sex and me being such a good guy for not pressuring her into it and taking all the emotional rejection. Then she broke up with me, citing “control” and “pressure” as the key issues. I now understand how I WAS controlling her and pressuring her with my sadness, and not communicating with courage, directness, and vulnerability anymore. I ended up in the hospital twice after our breakup for overdosing and both times I was masturbating on amphetamines trying to cope with the huge emotional whole and sexual inadequacy I felt I was left for, and with this in my past, I fear future relationships and can think only of her. I am afraid that I won’t ever be able to trust a woman again with emotional vulnerability or having need for sexual validation or feelings inadequacy in that domain. I find myself (and hate to find myself) resenting women for wanting men to be confidence when I feel like men’s confidence does not happen in a vacuum. I can (and DO) kick ass in other areas of my life; I have a six pack, am working towards my doctorate, am breaking free from my social anxiety, and I’m in therapy working on this, but I feel that the only thing that can really help me is a healing experience with a woman who can accept me for this. Yet I am walking around thinking that to the extent I talk about any of this with a woman, it is to that very extent I’m viewed as “needy” and unattractive. The answer from girls I’ve talked to that I’m not interested in is “just have confidence in yourself, you’re a great guy!” But I can’t seem to trust a girl I’m interested in with this stuff for the real healing I think I probably need because I’m not sure I can bear another sexual rejection and watch her “friend zone” me and go have sex with some guy who is more confident. I wrote all this because I’ve heard you get close to some of this stuff, but maybe because it’s closer to the topic of actual sex you have not been very direct in addressing it. I really hope someone at healthygamer has the time to read this, and maybe some others in the community can thumbs up or reply/comment their thoughts or experiences, both men and women. Love you guys, thanks for all the helpful content ✌️
And here I thought I would need constant ambition! This approach to life makes much more sense, especially since i started taking meditation and my health more seriously. As always, thank you, Dr. K!
For me, detachment means I can spin and pivot all I want and my world stays in one place so I can view multiple perspectives with relative ease. When you're enmeshed, attached, overly invested in outcome... when you move, the world moves and you can't shift your perspective. IMO.
The real challenge is keeping that up despite setbacks and challenges and not going back to emotionally attached habits our human/animal brains thirst for under stress.
I also see it that way! When I am not attached to the outcome, I give everything the benefit of the doubt and not make it about me. Then I can just accept that it is what it is. Sure, it may be sad sometimes and then I cry about it, but it wouldn't matter that much!
The challenge is real. Sometimes when we are under stress, we tend to lose our awareness to our internal world. And because of that, we might not act the way we would if we were detached/aware. I guess the movie Inception and its idea of having a totem, to recognize if we are in an aware state, is not a bad idea. XD
An easy for me to not care what others think of me is realizing that people think just as much about what others think of them and very little time is spent judging you. What is a really embarrassing moment for you is just a blur to them. So just do your thing.
This struck a lot of chords for me. Thank you
I've watched a lot of these videos discussing these different topics of mental health for the past year, and the many of the interviews as well. These have helped me start seeing a therapist regularly, which has been the most helpful thing I feel I could have done. Thank you so much for all of the help you've provided that helps challenge the stigma of pursuing the stigma that I've felt for getting help for where I've been. Since starting therapy I've noticed so many thought processes and ways I've distracted or disassociated with my feelings, and it'd been incredible all of the change that this has helped all the relationships in my life. It's still a journey for a lot of my interactions with my family, but I've never felt more hopeful for the future and I feel happier in my day to day. I struggle to put it into words, but life has been so much more positive and I wanted to express the benefit I've received from this type of content being available for free that has helped me pursue further help that I don't know I would have felt possible for myself to go after without this
Hmm most of this advice seems fine and I enjoyed the clear explanation of the difference between detachment and empathy. However, I would take some of the suggestions here with a grain of salt, especially when it comes to careers. For example, the person who feels stuck in their job because they're afraid of losing a source of income probably shouldn't "detach" from from that worry and quit. That's not attachment to ego; that's just basic survival...
You're confusing detachment with apathy. If you're detached, you'll organically choose to prioritize survival because it's necessary. You aren't bumbling around on autopilot, it's more about not being controlled by assumptions about what you're 'supposed' to do. You fall in line with your true desires, and yes survival is one of those desires. If you detach, do you think you would stop eating and die?
I randomly stumbled on to your channel and I can see what you’re doing for others. You don’t need my respect but you have it 100%! Keep doing what you’re doing.
I have autism, I struggle with apathy and depression. I find it hard to do the things I feel I desperately want to do. When I meditate on my feelings I can see the attachment to things and feel them in my chest. Like weeds with long stalks and wide leaves. For some reason in spite of me doing this the weed of my attachment remains blocking my progress. I do not know how to move beyond it.
I feel very similary
I sometimes visualize things in meditation, and for me they are usually important to some kind of internal growth and healing. I love that you see weeds. Next time you see the weeds, maybe you can directly ask yourself “how do I heal the wounds from these weeds?” and listen/feel for some guidance?
I kept coming across this advice many different places that I am not seeing my true inner strength and the answers to most struggles are already inside me. I would get frustrated because even if that’s true, how the heck do I tap into some inner wellspring of personal strength when I’m struggling? If I could, wouldn’t I not be struggling? Suddenly I realized I could just… ask myself. In my head. It feels absolutely ridiculous writing it out, but it’s helped me immensely.
Maybe you need to visualize pulling the weeds out and what each one stands for, then amending/nurturing the soil so other things can grow. Maybe you need to reframe things and see the weeds as plants that you can cultivate like a garden. Maybe you need to see what the weeds are trying to hold together under the surface, like a crumbling foundation that hasn’t pulled apart because a plant’s root system is very precariously holding it all together. My hope for you is that you’ll be able to ask yourself, and gain some insight. Good luck!
Thank you for the video.
Most people don't care about other people's opinions because of a large ego rather than the lack of it. That is, they think high / superior of themselves. So people's opinions dont matter to them. Only when the people's opinions start to matter to them, their ego hinders their progress (towards material gains, mostly). From there on, only letting go off the ego and progress in the spiritual path will work.
i love how this comes out right as i derank in my competitive game lmao
Hi Dr. K,
I just started watching your videos. I really, really benefit from your choice of language -- I'm a long time listener of J. Krishnamurti's talks, and I've heard him say often things to the effect of 'don't meditate with a goal in mind' or 'as a means to an end,' but until this video, I couldn't take action. I was too skeptical about meditation as a practice -- but I ALWAYS try to remain aware in every moment of my daily life. I think now I have enough detachment to actually try sit-down meditation again and cultivate even further awareness. My dream is to have the same level of peace and clarity that I have when using stimulant medication (ADHD/CPTSD).
❤
This is essentially what going to HG Coaching was able to give me. A sense of detachment that allowed me to break down my personal resistances and develop ways to maintain things as well. It’s a freeing feeling that I wish I could help more of my loved ones to experience.
One of the most valuable videos yet for me.
One little error I noticed was at 16:26 you say "Awareness precedes control" but the words above say "Awareness perceives control".
It changed what I heard at first but going back, it made much more sense.
Don't think it merits a re-upload but for anyone that sees this comment, I hope it helps.
Keep up the great work!
As always, your timing is impeccable. Just a couple of days ago I journaled on whether I'm becoming naive / complacent or if instead I'm in the (healthy?) process of letting go.
Thank you!
17:50 video games felt effortless and now the same is for gym. Because I learn and apply. Will do the same for working more and not getting distracted, procrastinating in getting started, getting back to work. I am detached need to just build up the work.
Awareness. how things work (information/ implementation of the knowledge). actions
mediation. awareness/ observing the reaction/ spend time with self
21:46 limiting beliefs content for gr
So what I struggle with is finding a balance between the EGO and Life. I would love to detach from everything, but I am afraid that will result in my ADHD self eating all the ice cream, playing all the video games, not working, and probably starving to death on the street in a couple of months. I feel like my EGO is what is keeping me alive and planning ahead.
You missed the point. Your ego is also part of the reason why you're resisting life to unfold. Practice meditation and observe your awareness to your reactions.
@@IsaLang Which point specifically?
I agree my ego is preventing me from doing things I would like to do, but there has to be a limit to that, right?
@@TheXello You seem to have an absolute view on detachment. It doesnt mean to let yourself go and be homeless, be unhealthy,etc. Like you said your struggle is balance and Im suggesting you just meditate and watch your thoughts. The watcher in your meditation allows you to practice detachment from your thoughts. In time, you will know who is the real you once you persist that practice.
@@IsaLang so, how do you watch your thoughts? do you helicopter view your self? how you react in certain situations to other people? how you feel ashamed or sad or anxious and how do you deal with that? you already know that it happened because it made you sad but how would meditation exactly help with that?
@@jimskeuh its like watching a movie. You dont take things personal.
I never understood detachment and the difference with apathy. I thought it was just not caring about anything in life and got into not wanting to do anything because I was already happy, even though it would lead to problems in the future. I dare say knowing this is essential to my life, thank you very much.
could you do an episode where you discuss the positive effect pessimism can have ?
You won't ever be disappointed.
That'd be a great video, just another example of how black or white thinking can be detrimental, too much optimism has slapped me in the face in the past many times
So on point with what troubles my mind lately, great timing.
I think so far I actually mastered detachment. It took several painful years for me to somehow evolve to be detached. I didn't even have a name for it before this video. It's so freeing
When I'm scared to apply for a job, I let myself feel scared and without a fight where emotions would have to double down to be felt, it just passes! I just feel scared, and then I don't
I had so much cool experiences thanks to this. One time I spontaneously showed up at a party in a full silly unicorn costume. It turned out to be a blast. Earlier I would've been scared. I wouldn't even go to that party at all! Yet I still remember this experience fondly
Some life inconveniences, like when I travel to some far away shop and it turns out they don't have the thing I wanted, even though it said they had it online - I allow myself to be sad and just let it go. Then I still take pleasure from the trip home, because then I get time to be in my head and imagine some cool scenarios, or listen to music, or draw in a lil notebook
I really recommend trying this. It's been a nail in the coffin of my lifelong depression. Thanks for giving it a name for me, Dr. K :)
This was a very difficult topic to digest. many seemingly detached concepts was being put together. I appreciate you for always brining different perspectives to things Alok
detachment and stoicism go hand in hand.
Stoicism is a school of philosophy, right? And it teaches detachment. There are many eastern philosophies that resemble and complement stoicism. Like Zen buddhism in Japan or Taoism in China
I love watching your content every day Dr. K and I can't tell you how much this video in particular helped me realize what I needed. Thank you for all you do. I appreciate it and I am grateful for what you do.
You will pay the cost of being different if you are "too different" and don't conform.
Sure, you can be free from your own anxiety, but the costs and rejections remain.
Wow... thank you for making this. I needed it so badly. I've been struggling with the social anxiety / loneliness loop, and the loneliness is getting dire. I went from seeing friends once a week or more, down to once every month or less. I didn't leave my house. Haven't dated since my last relationship ended 3 years ago. Social anxiety has been a life long struggle, but I kept remembering that it was easier around my late teens and early 20's. Why?.... I was deep into meditation then. Didn't figure it out til I watched your video, and so much more info! So thank you again. ❤
I've been been out here thinking apathy and detachment are the same thing
i think people could think you're anti-social or apatic (is that a word) if you are "carefree" maybe that is the reason why people are confused
I’ve never felt more sure about the truth of the ego and this lesson. Here’s my story: I was in an abusive job situation where the boss would denigrate the employees which resulted in me attaching myself to my ego super tight to protect myself. Then after leaving the job I struggled with comparing myself and my success to others, not being able to take criticism, depression and a lack of joy. I knew that I just needed to enjoy myself and my days for what they are and not focus on accomplishing things. I could feel the detachment and the joy return to life.
Dr. K. I appreciate your message on the detachment from the ego.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is the first time I've ever heard something spoken so clearly and concisely to what I struggle with. You are helping so many people and loving so many hearts with facts and intention. This was such a blessing to hear. Thank you for helping inspire me.
I just stumbled onto this MD yesterday, and so far the channel and content-as well as the doctor’s presentation-is excellent. Really good production value, … this guy has it all going on!
I am so glad that even as a teen I didn't give a shit what other people thought about me. Walked my own path to the beat of my own drum. The people who like me will gravitate to me and the people who don't I won't waste my time on.
@20:35 I feel this particular, specific advice isn't applicable to myself. That isn't to dismiss what you're suggesting, but an admission that I already do these things.
In my situation, the more I actually understand something (not just wander about it), the less attachment I have towards it. I'm more considerate and understanding towards people and topics I know less about because I appreciate that I am not knowledgeable on why they are the way they are. It's when I am confident in my knowledge of something that I become indifferent towards it and lose any emotional feelings for it, positive or negative. It just becomes neutral. I'm only passionate about the things I am excited to learn about and lose all energy and motivation the more I feel I've come to fully understand it as there is nothing left to learn, nothing left to invest emotional and mental effort into trying to understand or figure out.
Though I've also been diagnosed with anxiety, complex PTSD, and just last year with inattentive ADHD, waiting for May to be evaluated for personality disorders. These disorders could very well influence my attachments.
I mean, I am sure most people would like to believe and claim that they are self-aware, but I've had to consciously focus my attention onto things that everybody else just seems to naturally understand and accept. I had to not only be conscious of my own body language and facial expressions just so I wouldn't be a stiff board just moving my jaw up and down like a primitive robot, but pay careful attention to others' body language, expressions, tone, the context of the interaction, what the individual is currently living through and how it could effect their attitude and behaviour, like a dozen different processes I'm consciously thinking about and trying to work with without becoming too fixated or lost, just to have normal conversations with others.
It certainly helps with acting and voice acting, I'll admit.