ramblings of an exhausted aroace
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- (When I say “pretending” I mean fooling myself lol I never literally pretended to have crushes)
(Also I know I say I’m gonna unlist this but I unfortunately crave visibility and maybe my experience will resonate with someone. If I come up with any other disclaimers I’ll update this lol)
Help me afford things ko-fi.com/jazzaiyana
this is the first time i've heard another aroace person express wanting to go back to being unaware. so many ppl breathe a sigh of relief once they discover themself, but for me that joy really only lasted a week or two at best and now i'm just constantly reminded that my aroace identity holds me back from relating to other ppl my age since romance and intimacy is so ingrained into our society
It's so comforting to hear the experience of someone like me. I miss the feeling of being oblivious, too. I miss enjoying the concept of romance even if I didn't truly have it. I guess I can say I understand
Thank you for sharing 💜 it really is comforting, like you think you’re speaking to a void but the void is actually really nice lol
as another aroace person, ive never related to a video more. thanks for putting this up, just know that everything youre going through is valid
I’m 25 and just now accepting that I’m aroace. You’re not alone and I think a lot of us aroace folks have these complicated feelings about it. 💚💜
As an Asexual, I think I get it. On some days, I'm just not up to being different. It's exhausting, it's scary. Sometimes I just wish I didn't have to tell everyone that even though those dreams seem pretty, they won't work out for me. I won't enjoy them like everyone else. And that sometimes hurts, to know that I will never know how it feels like. I hate it when allos are feeling sorry for me, I hate it when I have to acknowledge the difference between us, because it makes me feel like being less.
BUT the truth is: Even though it seems like it, I'm not missing out on anything. Because I can't miss what I don't need. What I need is feeling like I belong, not having sex.
It's just unfair that it makes me feel sorry for declining something I don't even want.
As a young person, I often invalidate myself by saying I'm not ready or I haven't met the right person, but there's always that burning truth. And I totally understand how you feel. I miss being interested in someone without knowing I won't want a "normal" relationship with them.
It kinda feels like going back would be simpler, doesn’t it 😅 I know it’s part of the journey, but like why?? Nostalgia for not really knowing who we were? Anyway, thank you for sharing xx and I hope that truth gets easier.
@@jazzaiyana Thank you! Also, I really appreciate you posting this. So difficult to find aroace videos from a real perspective. You're my new favorite youtuber I must say. ❤
🥺 aaa that’s so sweet!!!
I've been there, trust me it sucks when you do feel lonely. The other day I started crying reading this really beautiful (romantic and sexy) fanfic right in the middle of an intimate scene and I just had a mental breakdown like "I wish I could feel this" 😭😭😭 And of course NOW I feel almost embarrassed because I don't usually want to feel that way, but it just shows that your thoughts and feelings can spring up on you like that sometimes. It's normal to get lonely sometimes. It's normal to have worries about the future. Especially if you don't have other people who can relate to you. Also, I think if you are looking for a companion of some kind like a QPR once you do find someone you can see yourself having that with, you can determine what you both want out of the relationship at that time. You don't have to stress about that now. For now, just chill and realize you are so cool and unique and you deserve someone who loves you and cares for you and respects you for who you are. Good luck with everything! /Angel
Thank you so much for sharing, Angel ❤️ and for the kind words. I wish those moments of wanting things you feel like you shouldn’t weren’t so common, but I think it helps knowing other people have been there as well!
I just want to be at season 5 of my show where I'm happy and at peace with everything. I'm at season 2 or something like that. Season 1 was from middle school to the end of highschool. Seasons irl feel so long.
YO I FEEL THAT SO MUCH I don’t even know what season this is 😅 wishing you that sweet sweet character development and fun feel-good plot!!
Dude, theres no better way ive ever heard anyone else describe the complexity of being Aroace. At least in the way I process it in as well. Ive lived the entirety of my life just watching people form intimate/close relationships with others, unable to comprehend how that works or should feel. I get so confused and frustrated, trying to put the puzzle pieces together, only to realize that the parts are not in the set. I often feel like a husk of a person, like I wasnt properly made to function and process sensitive emotions like love. I really dont believe in it in all honestly, ive heard it but ive never had it in my vocabulary or emotional bank. Its so hard to want something you dont fully understand, while the world is forcing you to follow along with it. Its something so fragile that I keep my distance, because I dont want to hurt people with false expectations of intimacy. I spend most of my time alone, trying to find an answer to why I cant connect with others in a way most people do but I always come up empty handed. Finding out im Aroace only solidified the fact I wont be able to naviate the situation in a way most do, or would suggest. Leaving me in a spot where I feel lonely, where I crave the hug of someone or something that isnt there. I hate being touched by people, so that only adds to the problem of it all.
I’m glad I could give you something to relate to, and thank you for sharing that 💜 It’s tricky to navigate for sure and I wish I could say I know it will get easier-I guess we’ll find out together! And I hope you have people who support you, it makes a huge difference especially when things start to feel more lonely than usual. If not, they’re out there and I hope you find them. :)
@@jazzaiyana 😭😭 Thank you so much for the reassuring words, it's certainly a confusing journey at times. Looking forward to your future content!! 💚💚
You are allowed to feel any way you feel at any given moment. You are valid whether you are happy or tired or confused.... I'm still figuring myself out (and I'm a LOT older than you) but we all have our own journey and it's important to take time to reflect. Thanks for sharing. Internet Hugs! 😺Take care and try to have some fun.
Thank you for your reassurance, Kety ✨ I feel like we all need that from time to time no matter where we are in our journey. You take care as well ☺️
This video is so relatable, I'm also aroace and I agreed with practically everything you said. I want to go back to being oblivious, it was so much easier then. Plus I don't have any aroace friends so I also don't have anyone to talk to about this. I really wish I did because I want to be able to comfortably talk about it, and be able to actually realte to someone. I want someone to be able to validate my feelings and let me know that nothings wrong with feeling this way. So, this video is very nice to hear, ty for posting it.
💚 hearts to you pal 💜 thanks for sharing this kind of video journal entry/processing, your feelings are valid and it’s really hard to get to a place of letting yourself just exist when there are reminders everywhere of so many things (I go in and out of letting myself exist as well) but also know you are wonderful exactly as you are :)) and let me know if you ever want to talk (says internet friend haha)
Hello I think knowing who and there you are on the asexual spectrum is so important. This gives you time to meet people, take care 🎉🎉❤
It was both an amazing but somhow sad feeling I got when I realized I was aroace, I was fine with being acesexual but just coming to terms with being armonatic was hard. I´ve never been interested in real people but growing up with romance in tv shows, movies or fictions kinda made be think that maybe that special someone was out there. I totally get you that sometimes it would be nice to just re-live a time where I was unknowing but the more I come to terms with being aroace I realize that I would not trade it if I could. But it gets lonely and its hard with it not being overly represented cause I feel like a part of me that has to protect the aroace label by gaslighting myself that I'm never lonely or that I'm glad that I do not experience love or sexual attractions. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts it really helped me accept my own feelings around being aroace, I wish you a lovely day/night
it's so weird bc listening to this was like listening to myself talking out loud !! Even in your speech pattern lol english is not my native language but it was like hearing an equivalent to how i express myself in my native language...... Then you talked about thinking of yourself as a character going through their arc throughout the seasons of a TV show (with a very much too long Season 2) and....well i guess no matter how lonely and tiring this life might get, it is conforting to know there is probably a lot of people who just articulate and navigate life like you do, despite not even talking the same language or having the same experiences in general. Deep down i always know it, as we are so many living on earth, but things like this video are always a good reminder. Thxs. I don't really know what else to add. Sometimes i wonder if i am fooling myself once again. Sometimes i wish i wasn't the person i am, and some other times, i wouldn't trade myself for anybody else.
I miss not knowing because back then I still had hope that I was "normal" and would eventually experience the amazing thing called love that everyone gushed about nonstop. Coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to feel those things was the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow. I want a QPR so bad but there's not a single app out there that's designed to connect aromantic people with each other. My person is out there somewhere but I don't know how I'm ever going to find them.
I relate so much to your words...I have very recently begun to accept and process the fact that I am aroace...it feels very lonely, and I too feel abnormal or 'half human' at times...it has caused crippling anxiety for me on and off for the past 15 years, especially when I have tried to enter relationships and then have ultimately ended up having to call it off and hurt the other person (who has inevitably developed bigger feelings than I ever could) - which I know is not my fault but the guilt is just horrible...I too would love to be able to sit down and connect with other people who also identify as aroace, family and friends try to be supportive but ultimately they have not lived my life and so can never truly understand how isolating it is!? Thank you for sharing how you feel, it has really helped me, Emma x
Ugh the thing about having to call it off is all too familiar 😭 it’s a weird thing where you know there are people like you, but it still feels like you’re so alone all the time, like “who in my life could possibly understand?” I’m half glad, half sorry that my experience resonated with you 😅 always looking for reminders that there actually is a community around us 💜
I relate to this sm. I’m usually fine with being aroace but the times when I used to rlly overthink it and looking up stuff about queerplatonic relationships n stuff, was when I was feel super lonely.
i get what you mean, i’m aroace too and it wasn’t until a year ago or so that i realised this, i was always asexual, but then realised i’m aromantic as well, personally i’m quite comfy in my identity but i hate the idea of people thinking i’m broken, or that i’m missing out on something, or that i lack empathy or something, since i’ve figured this out about myself i don’t feel like i’ve missed out on anything, i don’t care what people think but at the same time i do, i just hate the thought of people perceiving me that way, queerplatonic relationships sound interesting but i still think it would be too much, i wish that society didn’t view sexual and romantic attraction as a born human thing and that if you don’t feel that way that something is wrong with you, or that you’re a prude or something, it’s more how people treat me and my label then my actual label y’know? i know it’ll probably never happen but i wish little to no sexual romantic attraction was as normalised as sexual and romantic attraction is, and “pretending” that you feel that can be a way to “cope” with it, i’ve done it before and it sucks, coming to terms with it made me feel good and i’m happy now, with my identity at least, i think since i turned 18 this year as well that relationships are a more booming thing for people my age and it’s so frustrating, in terms the pressure people can put on others about dating and stuff, but yeah, sorry for the ramble lol, i found your video very interesting, it’s comforting to hear about other aroace ppl’s experiences and stuff :))!!💚💜🖤🤍
This video popped uo in my recs and I feel similarly to you! Thank you for this vid! "I hate feeling unnormal" sums me up :')
"i kinda miss not knowing because i felt normal" this is so real to me!! omg sometimes i wish i just thought i was a disinterest pansexual and would "eventually find someone i just have big standards and prefer to be with friends" like 😭 being aroace can be so isolating sometimes
its so comforting to hear someone talk about this because most of my friends are allloromantic and allosexual and i have one aroace friend who's just romance/sex repulsed and doesn't really have the same experience to me. i'm sex positive and i love anything romance (especially queer) related in media i just... don't feel that irl. or want that irl.
its so hard to explain to people that when i get "crushes" or wanting "romantic partners" i'm actually having a "squish" or wanting a "queerplatonic partner" because most people don't know those terms and how can i explain that to someone who's never researched about that or learned about it??? like im afraid of that person being confused or weirded out by some random terms that they've never heard. i wish being aroace was more accepted or talked about.
Absolutely 100% with people not being familiar with the terminology!! I just use the allo language with my friends bc I know they know what I mean-I’m vocal enough about my identity with people I trust, but with everyone else… it definitely makes things hard. Thank you for sharing, your individual experience is super valid and super beautiful and I hope these things become more mainstream knowledge, things are tricky enough without having to give people vocabulary lessons every time we want to be understood 😂
As a cis/ace guy I can totally relate... first of all, you don't NEED anyone. Be the person YOU need to be and realize that is what makes you whole!
When someone comes into your life, you will be in that place you need to be if that is a direction YOU want to go...
Just to add I would love to be part of your aroace community - having aroace friends sounds like a dream! ❤️ Emma
Thank you for posting this! I can quite relate. Also, back when I didn't know my feelings weren't romantic, I didn't feel uncomfortable when someone liked me. Now I feel slightly disgusted and then feel bad for feeling like that.
I’m so glad you make this video, if anything for yourself. Its good to just speak your frustrations sometimes, even if no one is listening.
I’m ace aro as well, having realized I was ace near the end of high school and realizing I was aro in my early twenties. I wish I could be like those aromantics that don’t want romantic relationships, because then I would be happy by myself. But I know I need companionship and I have always wanted to get married and start a family. I started dating someone shortly before I found out I was ace and even though he isn’t, I’m lucky that he still wants to be with me. But now that I realize that we love eachother in different ways, I’m afraid what he would think about that. I don’t want him to think that I’m lying to him, or worse, that he thinks its because he isn’t doing enough. He’s such a worrywort and I don’t want him to overthink it.
It’s definitely cathartic in a way :) sometimes speaking into a sort of void is more comfortable than having a real time conversation about this stuff but I’m glad there are still people on the other end hehe
This may be unsolicited and you can choose to take it or not-I was in a particular position with someone a while ago where I was just barely discovering that I might be aro, and I wish I’d gotten the chance to talk to them about it. I know that conversation seems scary but maybe it’s worth having? Whatever ways you love each other, it is love regardless and I think that lends itself to understanding. I hope you’re able to navigate that in a way that works for both of you!
I related to a lot of your points. Thanks so much for putting this online.
I’m aroace and I have never related to something so much. I know it’s okay but at the same time it feels so alienating. Sometimes I feel so alone for no good reason. It can be exhausting but this video makes me realize that there are others and feel this. I’ll definitely come back to this when I feel exhausted from being me.
cisheteronormativity is easier in a lot of ways; but it shouldn't be, and by simply existing authentically, we're doing the work so that it isn't for the people after us!
Thank you for sharing this. The comments, your words and explansions, it makes me feel not so alone. I've only met one other Aroace in my life, but they live in a whole different state and it can feel alienating. Recently my roommate brought their girlfriend over and although I wasn't jealous or envious of them, I longed to understand and or feel what they felt because the most I want out of a relationship is a QPR, but I'm also really resvered and I find it very hard to read others and express to others how I'm feeling. Anyway, what I'm trying to say, thank you and you're not alone. Also, if you like cartoons, give The Owl House a try. Lilith, one of the main characters, she's Aroace and is friends with an Owl. How cool is that?
So true jazz aiyana
You’re describing exactly how I feel what
Take it from a late X'er who's seen plenty of normal people: normalcy is overrated.
Also, you're still young yet, so you haven't seen as many people fuck their lives up in the name of love. Someday you may be more glad about your orientation. I know I sure am.
2 years ago I read about the possibility of me being a aromantic and like more than 8 years ago I thought to myself that I am asexual, well until this moment I don’t want to fully identify myself as an aroace due to me not being able to relate or feel comfortable relating to something until I actually experience it and I have 3 crushes but it didn’t feel that much except with one of them where I felt both the romantic and sexual attraction but it was after a really long time knowing her so that made me think of the possibility of me being just a Demi more than an aroace but I still don’t know if I want to be defined even tho when I figured about being aroace I was thrilled and very much happy but then it turned into more deeper sadness and loneliness tbh due to many reasons, what makes me personally unable to settle within myself is the fact I really love the idea of connecting with another human, just this idea is something I noticed myself always seeking in my interactions with ppl so yeah.
Hope things got better emotionally for you and yeah criminal minds is just a very lovely show i enjoyed it a lot and thank you for this video.
god this is so incredibly relatable
Thank you for making this! Started to realize I was ace (aro is still on the back burner) when I turned 26 around a year ago. And it completely turned my world upside down. Coming out as Queer in my early 20s was a cake walk by comparison, liberating. Asexuality has not been that. It’s been cycles of feeling wrong and broken and alien and empty and hopeless. I always thought I’d want that stuff eventually then it became “wow I wish I wanted it.” I want to want. But I can’t. I’m also shy and introverted and neurodivergent and probably touch averse. Then I go back and question everything and what my capacity is. It’s one thing to have not done something but to learn you aren’t capable? I want to be positive and affirmative and accepting of myself but it’s just been so hard to see a future, to grieve that future. It just feels insurmountable at this point.
It feels impossible to begin that journey by not feeling broken or wrong, when the world around us celebrates other identities while questioning and doubting ours. We aren’t given the same grace as people who want the “traditional” types of relationships-would we be feeling that wrongness if those ideas weren’t pushed onto us so aggressively?? All I can say is it’s okay to grieve a life you thought you would have, even if realistically you don’t want it. I’ve been there and continue to be there. I hope it helps to know there’s a whole community of people that have your back and know exactly what you’re going through 💜
@@jazzaiyana Even though this video is from 10 months ago, I do really appreciate you replying. Been back in therapy for the past few months and we're just now getting to this facet of my identity. Never really had a community before, as a pretty solitary person. Guess the only way to feel less alone is to share, like you've done for us in the comments. Thanks again! 🖤🤍💜
Yeah, this is really good at explaining it all, and I'd say I'm in my season 1 finally
43M Ace here. I can definitely relate. It took me many years to begin to know why I felt the exact same way. First there's nothing wrong. The world is full of differences and it's supposed to be that way. Secondly, you might consider looking into Alexithymia. It's been a game changer for me. Still Ace but understanding that has helped me understand more about why. Don't worry about being broken. We're comparing ourselves against a relatively new standard of what love looks like. This is why we had matchmakers and arranged marriages that develop over time. It's not ramblings. It's trying to understand it with dialogue. You're good. Don't stress it.
I can relate to this so much, thanks for talking about this! 💜💚
I'm aroace in a happy relationship (with someone ace but not aro) for more than 10 years so I can tell it's possible to be in a (amatonormarive-looking) relationship even being aro. I'm really sorry you feel sad and i know everyone's life is different. I hope you can find the kind(s) of relationships that happy.
You're truly so sweet, thank you for all your comments 💜 it does make me hopeful to hear that and I'm so glad you have been going strong in such a happy relationship for so long!!
💜
I feel you 🥲
totally get it
You are beautiful.
Consider the possibility that you are not what you think you are. Labels are a prison.
Labels can be super helpful for some people. If I decide to identify a different way in the future I will do so, but for now I’m very happy expressing the truth of my experiences. :)
Good video 👍
Aqueerplatonic relationship is an acquired taste.👌🏼
As a project I’m assigning birds to all the LGBTQ+ flags. I’m thinking it may be easier for people to dip their toes in the water after this and then even use birds as a way to stick their nose out of the closet.
Question: Do you ever feel like romance is a pseudoscience?
Idk. Aro-ness is more of a philosophical venture for me.
I’d say I’m kinda Dimilithromantic Because it’s not like I don’t have crushes on people after time but generally I don’t like to be romanticized myself.
I’ve had to acclimate out of my romance a version a bit. I’ve been watching romance is awkward. Gives me too much emotion, even if I enjoy it. That’s why I like the side ones that remind us that love isn’t dictated by fate.
Anyhow hope that some of this was comforting. Cheers.🧋