I did this a lot as a child and in young adulthood because I did not know what to say sometimes when I was so angry and always thought that my feelings were insignificant. As an adult, I realize how damaging this behavior can be and the importance of communicating is with people when you are upset or disagree. Great video! The silent treatment is not a good thing to do.
My husband will do this. He does something mean then doesn't talk or leaves and won't answer the phone. Once I learned to not play into it this slowed down. I also would like to thank you for all the great information. You have really helped me with all the people in my life that bully. I am learning how to stand up for myself and it's not easy to start doing at 55.
It's a favorite narcissist tool, my mother in law and my husband always do this and I've started looking at it like doing me a favor instead of punishment anytime I don't have to hear them talk is heaven on earth. Such a childish manipulative move
I’m getting out of a 10 year relationship with 3 kids that this has happened almost the entire time. I believed I was doing something wrong, that I was causing an issue in the communication. Every time we needed a serious conversation he completely shut down and refused to speak, until I got so worked up and he got to play the victim. It got to the point that silence gives me anxiety and if someone doesn’t respond to me it’s extremely triggering. Thankfully I’m finally getting out of it. But it’s extremely easy to not see it for what it is.
Omg it sounds exactly like my husband he literally shuts down if I ask him to do anything or when we have something planned and the silent treatment can last for months with him and during that time nothing is dealt with not bills, not work around the house and not contributing to finances it's a game so the narcissist can act like a baby and have no responsibility and if you're able to get far away from this person
The only answer I keep receiving in such situations is 'We've already talked and nothing changes. There's no point in talking anymore, cos it's all the same'. I'm depleted now, after so many years of running after and looking into the eyes and asking to stop keeping silent and tell what the problem is and all the things the author of this video doesn't recomment doing... I simply can't cope with it anymore. Relationship worsened immensely. Sometimes I'm afraid they are beyond repair, because the other party doesn't want to even try. I feel so lost...
A very good account indeed and applicable to multiple contexts, not just marital relationships. 👏 I was looking at it from a work perspective. Interestingly, the person said they were grey-rocking but it wasn't as it was ongoing, resulting in mediation. Following this, our working relationship only superficially improved. Ultimately, it's all about overall control in a shared role. An ineffective manager has only served to compound the issue. 🙏
My boyfriend does this when we are arguing or when I'm trying to talk about my feelings when I'm upset, once in awhile I blow up. I hate not being heard
Feeeels! And even though you blow up do you feel heard? Or just feel like you going crazy. Alone, feeling like your feelings are not valid.. I feel you. And I don't know what to do
@@kcbluebutterfly2182. Definitely do not marry this person. He needs reparenting (learn people skills) AND repenting (God changes the person). Someone who doesn’t care about your feelings also doesn’t care about your feelings while he is cheating on you or generally destroying your life. Think about this: who is someone who isn’t with God putting first when he puts himself first? Who is influencing that person if he doesn’t have to answer to a higher power or have a Spirit of Love (Christ) in him? These are the people darkness eventually uses, even if Satan has to play the long con. RUN!
My boyfriend doesn’t necessarily give the silent treatment, but he gets really pensive weeks before a trip. I told him I was excited to restore old furniture and he said “yeah…” like a deflated balloon. When I called him out on it, he was like “I said yeah, I agreed with you!” It’s not like silent treatment, it’s just that he gets really cold and then denies it, and then gets upset at me if I ask “what’s wrong?”
My therapist told me this, since I’m in the middle of it and it’s been driving me nuts. Both of the recent times it’s happened it was because I expressed concerns over his views on aggression and how he reacted when angry. He turned it all around on me, total gaslighting and then stonewalled for 3 days each time. I’m so over it but it’s also my fault because when he “makes up for it” it’s really that he gives me a hug or gift and acts like he forgives me. And I’m afraid to rock the boat and go back into silent treatment mode. So I avoid it. This time when he comes from his trip I will ask him to sit and I will tell him we need to talk about getting into therapy so we can communicate healthily. The silent treatment hurts me and it hasn’t solved the recurring issues that he is tired of too. If that doesn’t go well then best plan an out. I have two young children and no job but I am so exhausted of being disrespected like this and my concerns not being addressed. I can’t live in an angry, egg shell walking home. And I don’t want that for my kids either.
Also after trying to get through to him for two of the days, I gave up. One day later he went back to “acknowledging my existence” basically. Not actually talking about anything that occurred lol.
I’m on a relationship for almost 6 years and whenever we get into any arguments he gaslights me and in the end I apologize to him all the time, and this time i didn’t apologize but I explained my side, he left me on read, I didn’t send anything but after few days I greeted him on his bday and I got a cold “thank you” that’s when I totally decided it’s enough, I went silent after that and now we are on 3rd week without any communication, no calls or message from him
@@temporosadaisy has he said anything yet? I’m dealing with something similar. I get torn between needing him to survive and being ashamed of allowing myself to be treated this way
25yrs coming to an end with this. And it’s still my fault even though I stated my boundaries and intentions. Then can’t believe you don’t love me anymore and are leaving your such a bad person. Guilt and shame you can have it dear. I’ve done everything you could ask of someone other than to give you my soul and that ain’t going to happen. You got one maybe you should find it. You can lead a horse to water but cannot make em drink…….
My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years (we’re 59 years old) does this anytime I want to discuss a problem. She calls me sensitive, talks over me, says she doesn’t have time for this and starts the silence. Thank you for your advice. I believe she is a covert narcissist, and I’m just going to move on. I can’t keep believing my love will heal her
This is so true! I jsut ended a relationship where my boyfriend started shutting down and avoiding me after an argument that happened two months ago. At last when I broke up with him and confronted him he acted like a victim saying that I made life difficult for him and complicated things. It was the most draining experience ever. He always made me feel that it was my fault
I have been living with this exact type of treatment & abuse for 40 years. I can tell you that it definitely damages the relationship and whoever it is done to
They don't understand your kind attitude toward to their nasty behavior. At least people I met didn't open up. So I walked away. My child is experiencing similar stuff with her bully. I told my child not to beg or please the bully so she will be included again. It's a sad world we have to deal with broken people.
Thank you 💛 Yes it's maximal stress when you love the person and get the silent treatment. I went through this lately. Called him out again and again and was willing to leave. I do not want this in my life. The moment were you said it's like a kid holding his breath in order to get what he wants, i had a laugh in spite of all : )
I’m experiencing this now…I love my partner very much but after a few times of him doing this to me…I just don’t know how we can come back from this. It’s torture
My sister does this all the time. I have cut her off for 2-3 years before and decided to forgive her. 4 years later, I have been holding it in for those 4 years and I am deciding to cut her off today. This is my first time finding out the term of what she did. She always started an argument, and I would listen to her piece, but when to came my turn, she refused to hear me out or talk about it. She would get mad when I try to talk about it saying that the conversation is over but to me, it doesn't feel over.
A very good account indeed and applicable to multiple contexts, not just marital relationships. 👏 I was looking at it from a work perspective. Interestingly, the person said they were grey-rocking but it wasn't as it was ongoing, resulting in mediation. Following this, our working relationship only superficially improved. Ultimately, it's all about overall control in a shared role. An ineffective manager has only served to compound the issue. 🙏
My husband and his entire family do this. My husband stopped speaking to me simply for stating my feelings and he did not agree with my feelings….I shit you not, claimed how I feel was not “fair” and stopped speaking to acknowledging me for 19 days. Then he made the fatal mistake of giving my adult son the silent treatment for two whole fucking months and waged psychological warfare on him….did I mention my son is a behavioral health specialist and was speaking to his psych team about this. My son left and cut all ties with him and his side of the family.
My boyfriend is doing this to me right now. I've asked a few times if he can take a walk or go somewhere besides the kitchen during at least one of my lunch breaks during the week. He works next to the kitchen and I feel constantly watched on my breaks which just isn't relaxing. So today I asked if he's taking a walk, he said yes but then played his guitar in the kitchen for about 20 minutes . I *honestly* gently reminded him that I'd like to have one day planned where I can come down for break and make my lunch in solitude...he brought up one of his grievences about living together and left. Then I texted him when I was going back to work to let him know that he can come back whenever he wants. Then I asked via text if he'd like to do a certain hike tomorrow...no response to anything. I know he is giving me the silent treatment now. Your video was helpful thank you but I still don't know how to handle it, it's so awkward because I have to see him and he's just going to ignore me .. again.
Wife of 4 years... She started crying on Sunday and said she was leaving. Within minutes she turned ice cold and hasn't spoken a word to me since. Treats me like a ghost in my house and stays gone as much as possible until bedtime. Then when I enter the bedroom she gets out of the bed and goes and sleeps on the couch until morning and then disappears for the day. Hurts so bad....I don't know how to act in the house with her there. I've not tried to speak with her since she said she wanted out. Excruciating.
I wish I had known about this or understood the mechanism and how toxic it is. I guess I am now starting to understand that it is gaslighting (another new term for me) and how susceptible I am to it. I feel absolutely gutted and rejected every time my wife does this. I always felt it was wrong on some level but would question if I did something to deserve it. It gives me some relief to realize I am not crazy and it is manipulative. I think it is time for me to seek out a therapist to help me understand these concepts better. Wish I’d known this when I was younger.
I think you should seek a therapist who is a specialist in narcissism or they will never understand and know how to help you. Your wife is the one with the problem but I've learned by living with my narcissist husband that they will make you look like the problem. These people will not change so unless you want to live your whole life wondering why you're getting the silent treatment instead of running as fast as you can which is what I wish I would have done when I was young enough to leave
My mom does this to me all the time, whenever I want to talk about the family and get to the bottom or anything deep. It cannot be done and she stone walls me whenever she feels like or doesn't want to talk or discuss anything she's a narcissist and throw tantrums too. She always takes it out on me.
Only you can change this by not only understanding why she doing this BUT LEARN HOW NOT TO BE.....Speak your truth to your Mother even though you feel it'll lay on deaf ears....TRUST me that it never does....all they do is pretend it hasn't affected them because they live a unauthentic life
I have been married over 40 years. I react to things my husband do that makes me angry with silent treatment. I have always focused on what he did and, as I am researching, I am learning that I have been wrong too. I didn't realize I employ passive aggressive and controlling tactics all while reacting to what I perceive as him trying to control and be possessive of me. We are both being toxic, not just him. This is bitter truth to swallow. Our whole fight is about him becoming enraged when I don't come home before he goes to bed. I work evenings and he works day shift. But he demands that I be home by his bedtime. A few times he has tracked me down and embarrassed me or he will constantly call and text. I am 63 years old and it infuriates me. But now I see 2 wrongs don't make things right. Yet I don't know what to do
Chances are, he’s reacting to silent treatment by having an affair with another woman, perhaps a close friend of yours. Men don’t cope well with silent treatment and will find other ways to repair the damage, an affair is an escape route
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my husband's mindset. It also solidifies my theory that he has been gaslighting me, but I've never been able to clearly put that into words. Now I can say that it's the constant questioning he put my mind in that was actually gaslighting. I'm happy to say that through therapy of my own, I've risen above the begging for communication and the apologizing. Me expressing my feelings and needs is not something I need to apologize for.
Ah, the silent treatment. I’m often a recipient of that. Good thing I’m an introvert. So, I’m quiet back. 😑 😑 If you’re not going to tell me what I did wrong, well then I’ll never know. And that’s fine with me.
I just ignore him and act like it doesn't bother me because it doesn't anymore it's actually nice not to have to get into a fight every time I have to talk to him. Just look at the silent treatment as a reward instead of a punishment and do what you want without this person go somewhere and use your time for you while they stew in their misery and don't even know why they're giving you the silent treatment. It's not you it's the narcissist and they don't change because they will never believe they have a problem. Don't waste your time
Well I showed this to my wife as she was doing this and she went in to a full meltdown and told me I was being manipulative and crazy then started playing music on her phone to drown out to this video.
I tolerated years of this, thinking I that it was me causing it. After 1 years of trying my best and always being open to dialogue, she never changed. Stonewalling is abuse and evil. NEVER PUT UP WITH IT. Leave the relationship.
i love how you lay it all out with what is and isn't acceptable. You advise on what to say to them and how to get them help. Very helpful indeed. Edit: I was watching a few of your vids. When I do, I have to wear earbuds. There is this loud dinging bell. The pitch and volume makes it quite a bit louder than your voice. I wanted to ask if it were possible to lower that volume? 😄
I've never noticed the sounds you mentioned. That sounds very odd, and it must be disturbing. I will keep my eyes and ears open and see if I can understand what may be happening.
When the caption labels come up, like the green ribbon that says “gaslighting”, there’s a high pitched chime. I noticed it because it hurts my autistic ears
Was just in a complicated, pseudo-relationship: friends with benefits, or whatever my partner wanted at any given time. Was love-bombed in the beginning, slowly I started to notice an eerily subtle form of possession of myself, plus the stonewalling, in addition to other traits of a covert narcissist. And before I knew it, swoosh! I became caught up in everything him and forgot what was reality.
I had silent treatment few times in my life from narcissist. When i identified toxic behaviour, i explosed narcissist totally, said / wrote all the true directly to the narcissist in rough way without doubts and blocked permanently😂 i felt i left the home of bees inside with their demons😂😂😂
What if the person expresses his or her needs and gets ignored, so the person no longer knows how to express it or sees the need to communicate further.
People tend to think that others are robots - once you rewrite program it will work that way. Sadly no. I am not able to do things reliably unless I repeat them 100x times and I have feedback it is correct. Same as my puppy. Took me 4 months to teach him that it is not okay to piss in the house. I was telling him to not do it, why didnt he know the first time he was told? Well maybe it was still convenient to piss at home instead of walking stairs. Maybe walks every 3 hours were just not enough. But he learnt. And now he is perfectly reliable. Point is no one can expect that something that is said once is engraved in the stone. My ex told me he does not like long messages and that he feels he cant express himself if I reply too fast. I said okay I will try to make them shorter and give you space to reply. Then he started to write me in anger I am doing something wrong and I know what. And I was confused. I just told him how was my day and asked him about his and he was upset...? Writing me I know because he told me. And I didn't realize what could be wrong. From my point of view the message was short. Nothing wrong about it and I was waiting for his response. He then proclaimed he won't read what I write. And I asked why and he just said he won't read a wall of text. So I tried to write 2 line messages but he didn't read them. I missed him. Sent like 2 messages in one day, then one second day and then was silent myself. Meanwhile all that could go wrong in my life went wrong. I was in emergency room with gallbladder attack 3 times, my grandma and uncle died, my digestion didn't work. And my bf was not reading what I was writing to him. When he got back after 4 days he said "relax ffs". Every question was replied by "I don't know". When will you arrive? Idk. What option is better for you? Idk. How are you doing? Idk. Three weeks ago he started to threaten me that he will have a war with me because that is what I obviously want. I had a panic attack when he wrote something I was not even daring to read, then after it calmed down and the stress dissappeared (it was not that bad what he wrote) I got another gallbladder attack so 16 hours in pain - again (it can't be stopped just survived). When I tried to explain to him what happened and to seek some better way we can communicate again he said wall of text and that he doesn't care. I asked to call with him then. He was rude and repeated he doesn't care. So i told him we broke up then. He got even more mad at me trying to persuade me that it is again what I want. I said that I do not want that but I can't keep up like that. I asked him how he can show me he cares. Said it will be either his way or high way. And again shut down. You cant expect that anyone in the world will be able to change in blink of an eye and it is ridicullous to perceive the fact people need feedback and encouragement in change as personal attack on you. You need to follow up. You need to mark down when the things are handled well. And you need to provide gentle reminder where it is not like that. Only that way you can help someone learn to change the way that you would like. So no. "I said to someone to do A and they still do B they did for their who life" is pretty bad excuse to come and scream at someone they do not care about you for not being accustomed to your condition. Did you help them to adjust their behaviour? Did you support them as part of the team?
Not giving silent treatment is not easy, why would I want to help and break it? It will end up being my fault, always reaching first and caring more for talking.
My mother has destroyed our relationship doing this to me. I have given up now. I realise I will always be a stranger to her. If I try to connect with her that makes her angry. She wants to bully me in to playing the part she wrote for me with her silent treatments.
I believe the stonewaller does this as if they're punishing a child. It shows how immature they are and that's on them. The Good Lord knows what's in my heart.
I sometimes do that. When? When I'm overwhelmed with the conflict/situation/emotions. I just want conflict to stop. Especially if that conflict is about same thing, over and over again, from time to time. I said that this matter is over for me, for me it is resolved. But my partner, whenever we are in conflict, goes back to that, and suddenly, we are in confrontation about other things, from the distant past. As a person who never brings back old issues, that is fruatrating to me. And can't find any other way than to completely shuts down, because the situation will only get worse if we continue, and everything I say will be used against me. In that case, it is much easier to shut down and let the situation cool off.
Take it from an anxiously attached person trying to become secure. The less f's you give the more they take you seriously. Crying and pouring your heart out does nothing or even makes them resent you.
I get what this gentleman is saying and it IS damaging and hurtful. Contrasting with : My dad used to rage at my mom and was not able to be reasoned with, and would berate her & get more into a rage frenzy when she tried to talk…… so to protect herself, she learned to essentially be silent…& shut down ( the “freeze” response) it was the only way to save her precious energy and reduce the time he raged at her… he would get into a frenzy. A rageaholic. I wouldn’t necessarily call her response “stonewalling” I would call it more the freeze “shut down” and self protection. This video seems to approach from the sense of being a reasonable person trying to have a reasonable conversation, and the other person won’t hear you and gives you the silent treatment (versus what I described …) to me, my mom was appropriate in stonewalling my dad because when she tried to talk, it would only add to more abuse towards her. silent treatment seems reasonable to offer to someone else who is unreasonable and verbally abusing you.
Can you do another video like this but for families? My mother has the entire family supporting her in her victim narrative. I'm the aggressor for TRYING to talk to her. I should have just demonstrated my love by having no visible reaction to her insensitivity to me, agreed that my request for change is a grudge and agree that her pain is real. I have let my mum know that I want to talk to sort out our dynamic but she wants to go back to the old way where I collapsed into her narratives. AS IF SHE WOULD GO TO THERAPY 😞
I think you and I have the same mother !!!! Needed to read that you wrote. It felt so bad for me for the last 4 years, after I spoke a truth about my feelings, then apologised and explained and then was cut off entirely. Made semi progress with mother, but not the rest and then 4 years later, I did an unknown something to cause her to withdraw again and no amount of asking would draw it out, so now I've walked away. After all these years of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells incase I upset someone (this is a complicated family due to my adoption and then finding them), I am done. Totally done. I think I gave it a good run though. And I cannot any longer take the silent treatment, the feeling bad about feeling anything that doesn't align with them, or watching what I say on social media and so on. Like really, I've never said anything nasty or horrible. Only how I felt one time. One time. So like....no. it's childish and honestly, what he says.....if you can't communicate the problem, then I can't help you.
Avoidants, we now they don’t have the tools but they use it as strength and defense. It is abuse but it’s is done by being stuck in childhood. Just because we grow up doesn’t mean we are all adults. I don’t know and answering a question with something that doesn’t answer the question but creates more confusion. Insecurity instead of answering the question straight and honestly………then pouting when there in the wrong.
This is the worst kind of emotional abuse. It's especially difficult when family members do this. It creates a mentally unhealthy environment. What's worse is when a specific family member, my sister, Moms caretaker does this to me. Then, when I speak up my sister uses triangulation tactics by telling my 88 year old Mom and upsetting her and turning most of the family against me. Why can't she just talk to me rather than talk about me? This makes it especially difficult to go visit my Mom. She doesn't understand that I'm being stonewalled and really wants nothing to do with me. I'm tired of this silent treatment. It's so demeaning & cruel that it makes me want to move and leave no forwarding address.
I feel guilty of doing this now. I haven’t talked to my grandma in almost a month. I’d call her once a week, but she is toxic and does like to make back handed comments. There is a lot more to say, but I’d have to write paragraphs. So I decided that I’m not going to call her and that she could call to check up on me. Her and my grandpa talk about everyone behind their back that don’t call for a while, but yet they NEVER call anyone else to check on them. They love to be wanted and needed. Last month my grandma told me she was very upset because it was my moms birthday and mom passed several years ago. So I sent her flowers and called to check on her again. She knows I’ve been having a very difficult time at work and not one time has she picked up the phone to call me to see if I’m ok or how I’m doing. I would communicate this to her, but her and my grandpa are never in the wrong for anything. I’ve tried over several years to communicate feelings and she ignores me or acts like it’s not a big deal. So I thought recently that I’m going to pull back. Is this wrong?
Are you communicating anger through silence? If not, then you're not doing this. If your grandma is toxic and you want to keep her in your life, look at Dr Ramani's advice- she says to gray rock.
I still answer people when spoken to but if someone hurts me I do have trouble communicating my needs and tend to be more standoffish towards them. I see how childish it is now but growing up I was never allowed to voice my needs. We were told to obey and only obey. Having personal needs was a bad thing. Having my own opinion and feelings was shamed and ridiculed by my mom. By family. So I grew up not knowing how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I just isolate or explode. Which isn't healthy. Although my family isn't good at communicating either they just blame and shame. It's a mess all around. Change has to start somewhere I guess and that first comes from admitting to myself the kind of person I have been.
My teen granddaughter stonewalls me now when she does not want to be accountable. She models exactly what her mother does. They act like they don't have to give me the time of day if they don't want to. T h ey are afraid to admit they are wrong. It is disrespectful and hurtful and they know it.
My best friend has given me this video and said this is me. I know I don't have good communication skills, I know that I feel emotionally barren. I don't know how to overcome this. .. and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.. I feel like I don't belong here.
Same here my husband and his mother are silent treatment experts it's just such a form of abuse and manipulation and so infantile it shows how weak they are when they can't open up and except responsibility
When my partner doesn't want me to do a social event with him, he will cross a clear boundary, then not talk about what just happened. It leaves me hurt and I feel somewhat disrespected and vulnerable.
my ex does it pretty often its especially troubling because we have a daughter, the sad thing is daughter is doing it too now shes 17 so i can kinda understand my teen daughter, but i just spent almost 2 months visiting from another state, they initially wanted me to stay and move close by but i wasnt ready because i didnt know anyone and mom n daughter were busy doing their own stuff so i left, havnt heard from either mom or daughter in like 3 weeks, i tried calling texting a few times but i stopping otherwise i might get blocked or accused of harrassment!, the crazy thing is mom was getting close and intimate wen i first got there, then little by little more distant, now suddenly cruel stonewalling, she knows id like to hear how our daughter is at least, i shouldve known shes always been narsictic, but with a kid involved i hard to let go completely, any advise? im just praying for them and stonewalling back for now
@@jenandbarrys5580 if im the narcisist ill gladly accept that, easier to work on myself, but i dont think thats the case here, you dont know the entire story! but thanks for the encouragement! peace!
Things you need to consider are: is this a pattern? Is the person that is giving you the silent treatment valid in doing so? Did you do something where you should put forward the effort to reach out and if you haven't then that's on you. If this isn't a pattern it's likely the other person is so disgusted by something you may have done and they want you to reach out to them and try to resolve it. The worst thing you can do if this isn't a common occurrence is have a competition on who can hold out the longest. Communication is key but sometimes the person needs space to deal with your actions. These therapists like to think they know how the mind works and you can't define what is abuse without having the relative information that caused the issue in the first place. If you did something despicable, you deserve being given the silent treatment.
My girlfriend of five years stopped talking to me three weeks ago. I have no idea what happened or why she is behaving like this. It HURTS me a lot and it is the third time she has treated me like this in the past year. I feel I should just let her go. But it is really sad.
Decades, but the last two weeks absolutely when a close friend passed, my annual diagnostic mammogram results after breast cancer, why the hell would I feel close to this person.
Would it help to show them this video to make them aware of the damage they do the relationship? Sometimes I feel not able to find the right words how to explain to my partner how I feel if being treated like this (if he would even listen to me, as usually all is my fault). You really bring it to the point! Thank you so much.
Specialists say the narcissists don't change. Even when they get insight. Narcissism is personal trait similar to being introvert or extrovert. You can't change this. Very very very few of narcissits change and it's about 60 degrees change, never 180 degree (Dr. Ramani)
@@martaflekova1918 But stonewalling isn't something only a narcissist does. People who are emotionally immature use this bc they don't know how to communicate when they feel hurt.
Well I showed this to my wife as she was doing this and she went in to a full meltdown and told me I was being manipulative and crazy then started playing music on her phone to drown out to this video.
The school I attended claimed white students were damaged and deformed based on student skin color and when I brought this up with the school they refused to discuss it with me. So what is going on there with school organizations stone-walling people.
The context is always important, somebody absolutely disrespected me and I decided to "take-away" my attention from her, of course her 'ego" was absolutely confronted and she was mad at me but again I had the "choice" of not interacting with toxic people . Is my own life and was my personal choice ,more than blaming people for "refusing" to interact the "other" should practice some self-reflection from time to time and don't take anybody for "granted" .
@@nicole2828 I was never abusive and I never insulted neither threat her or played the victim card .I told her straight away my thoughts (something that is almost a sin in our hypocrite society) I just took away what she considered was the "privilege" of my attention, her narcissistic ego which needed a pointless "validation" didn’t get that I can achieve a happy life on my own .
@@jenandbarrys5580 It wasn't any "honor" on the contrary if some people need some "validation" and constant "attention" well that's not my business . If I am the one who needs to apologize all the time and basically rather than a relationship things look like a stressful and painful job I just have to move forward . I can sound "arrogant" and "narcissistic if I want but I don't like to "brag" about my private life.
Some of us go silent to avoid saying the wrong thing and upsetting or annoying people. Let’s face it whatever you do in relationships is usually wrong, so why bother.
My husband says this is why he does it. I’m not an irrational woman and I don’t rage on him or go into emotional fits etc. I constantly praise him, love him adore him, admire him, respect him, and fully love him. He often comments on how surprisingly logical I am. Yet he still does this and claims what you wrote. BECAUSE he does this, he is single-handedly destroying our otherwise great marriage and during this bout of his silence, I’m mentally preparing myself to live without him and making plans to be able to leave in a year or anytime thereafter if it ever happens again. Him saying the “wrong thing” in a mutual conversation would have been much, much better. What I’ve just learned by his behavior that I didn’t know before is that he is a coward and this is a cop out.
I understand what you're saying, but in reality , this is a cop out way to deal with things. We don't have to always agree to get along. And it's much more important to say how you feel. That's growth. I hope you can feel safer about talking soon
After years of being treated contemptuously by my boyfriend. I stonewalled him. I don’t see this as the form of a “victim”. I feel like I’ve loss my voice after being verbally abused. I’ve shut down. This video isn’t accurate. I don’t want a reaction or to gaslight. I’m genuinely hurt and tired of expressing myself and asking him to respect me. I’m just done at this point. My ex- boyfriend is narcissistic and I’ve went silent from him treating me contemptuously.
Good for you. In the case of abuse, not making yourself vulnerable is appropriate, sometimes people call it the "grey rock" approach. If someone is abusive, you need to protect yourself, and not let the abuser weapon eyes your vulnerability. The best thing to do is to leave. Best of luck to you.
@@jimbrillon I totally agree sometimes you need to free yourself from someone who isn't capable of communicating or caring to work on the relationship it's not worth it and I don't blame you for being done
I too totally agree. When on the receiving end with a narcissist…after years of suffering emotionally and mentally, seeking help from councillors and educating myself about narcissism….I took the difficult, brave and totally necessary step of NO CONTACT. I stepped out of the family pattern and off the chess board…not playing and have moved on.
So if someone is being very passive aggressive or directly attacking you and/or your interest, or trying to turn the arguement around to make it all your fault, is it stonewalling to walk away then?
My girlfriend does this. I dont understand it really. She would start a play fight then all of a sudden she wont talk for days. Like a toddler fr. Eventually ill hug or ask for one and then we restart but im getting kinda tired of it.
So this guy deleted my comment without answering my question first so ill ask again. Most of the people in this common section are victims of the Stone walling. They've also said that they tried to FORCE a conversation that ended in THEY THEMSELVES blowing up. So like I said, I wanna know which one is the 1 in the right and which 1 is the 1 in the wrong? The one who tried to stay silent or the one who kept pushing for a conversation that they knew would end up in a fight?
& do you really disagree that it makes them look desperate, clingy, not independent. Some of these people in the comment section have literally said that they get anxiety when they don't get a response as if people are required to give them a response. Nobody's required to give you their time a day & you getting Anxiety about it means you're mentally unhealthy to be with to begin with.
Can someone stonewall you while pretending to listen.. like you speak and it just didn't do anything but they seem like playing the card of .. ok talk I will listen
Doesn't anyone think sometimes, silent treatment can be a form of defence against any arguments. Sometimes it's not worth opening your mouth because you're probably better off speaking to a brickwall and for your own sanity.
Depends what you label an argument. If somebody telling you how your behaviour made them feel is an "argument", then the silent treatment is wrong. My mother thinks like this. Any small bit of feedback provokes another silent treatment.
@@SusanaXpeace2u I had a boyfriend when I was 20 who would do this every time I brought up an issue that needed to be resolved. I would talk about how something he said made me feel and he would react by standing up and leaving. For a while he got me to look at the way I communicated with him by essentially saying that it distressed him or was aggressive but no matter how hard I tried, he reacted the same way. He didn't come back after a few hours. He would stay away until I contacted him. This could go on for days until I gave in. Over time, trying to live up to his idea of speaking 'reasonably' got more difficult and stressful for me because the issues were piling up unresolved and the fear of being walked out on was putting me on edge. I shake my head that I put up with this for 6 months until I got out. The truth is he wanted someone who never questioned anything he did. He saw me as an extension of himself and walking out with the excuse that I wasn't stating my case in a calm way was him trying to control me by making me too afraid to speak up or challenge anything he did for fear of him walking out. He was a narcissistic monster. I think he must done this about 5 - 6 times. It was completely unacceptable and one of the main reasons I dumped him. I would be there right at the point of having the courage to ask him to think about how he was treating me when he would shut down the discussion by walking out and then me being left in tears. I have never experienced anything like it in all the years since and I would never have allowed anyone to disrespect and manipulate me like that again.
That's what all my narcs said. I was "creating arguments" by communicating ny feelings. As God, the man didn't want to talk about that, and as God's subject, I was wrong to push it, abusive even. So I deserved all the silent treatment, because his feelings matter amd mine don't. Can't I just understand that? 🤣
Yes in a normal situation but not when a person continues to do this all the time without warrant and use it to manipulate you should be able to tell the difference
I'd say so, yes. My husband did this for so long that I divorced him. He couldn't express himself in an emotionally intelligent way, just like Jim explained. You can only offer someone help and support, but you also have to support yourself and your own emotional state first.
Probably but it's not going to keep happening over and over and you don't even know the reason they're mad. It isn't appropriate reaction and you will probably be able to tell if it is this person's go to tool and used in even the most ridiculous of situations
I'd put up with it for a couple days then I'd tell him to leave. I'm not paying for crimes I didn't commit and he doesn't need an excuse to leave right, ? He just can. Well, then he'd play victim and act like he didn't do it. And it was obvious he was just trying to have power... In a really ugly way.
My mom did this to me as a little kid. As a child (someone dependent on their parent to survive), this was terrifying. Please never do this.
that's horrific
im so sorry
❤I’m sorry for your childhood experience. I send positive vibes on your healing journey
Me too
My mother did it to me as a child too-now my husband’s family does it when they don’t get their way. It’s sick.
Same here,it’s a horrible feeling and abusive!!!
I did this a lot as a child and in young adulthood because I did not know what to say sometimes when I was so angry and always thought that my feelings were insignificant. As an adult, I realize how damaging this behavior can be and the importance of communicating is with people when you are upset or disagree. Great video! The silent treatment is not a good thing to do.
My husband will do this. He does something mean then doesn't talk or leaves and won't answer the phone. Once I learned to not play into it this slowed down. I also would like to thank you for all the great information. You have really helped me with all the people in my life that bully. I am learning how to stand up for myself and it's not easy to start doing at 55.
Thanks for your Post
It feels good to stand up to them at any age
It's a favorite narcissist tool, my mother in law and my husband always do this and I've started looking at it like doing me a favor instead of punishment anytime I don't have to hear them talk is heaven on earth. Such a childish manipulative move
How did it work out a year later
Are you leaving him?
I’m getting out of a 10 year relationship with 3 kids that this has happened almost the entire time. I believed I was doing something wrong, that I was causing an issue in the communication. Every time we needed a serious conversation he completely shut down and refused to speak, until I got so worked up and he got to play the victim. It got to the point that silence gives me anxiety and if someone doesn’t respond to me it’s extremely triggering. Thankfully I’m finally getting out of it. But it’s extremely easy to not see it for what it is.
Exactly what happened to me. That anxiety makes you react in a worse way.
Absolutely traumatic. Nothing got solved, I was only devalued.
Omg it sounds exactly like my husband he literally shuts down if I ask him to do anything or when we have something planned and the silent treatment can last for months with him and during that time nothing is dealt with not bills, not work around the house and not contributing to finances it's a game so the narcissist can act like a baby and have no responsibility and if you're able to get far away from this person
@@sherisanchez4334I hope you left him... that's terrible abuse
❤
Im the same. 1 years of putting up with that BS. Its evil and abusive.
The only answer I keep receiving in such situations is 'We've already talked and nothing changes. There's no point in talking anymore, cos it's all the same'. I'm depleted now, after so many years of running after and looking into the eyes and asking to stop keeping silent and tell what the problem is and all the things the author of this video doesn't recomment doing... I simply can't cope with it anymore. Relationship worsened immensely. Sometimes I'm afraid they are beyond repair, because the other party doesn't want to even try. I feel so lost...
It's so frustrating, painful and a worst kind of lonely
A very good account indeed and applicable to multiple contexts, not just marital relationships. 👏 I was looking at it from a work perspective. Interestingly, the person said they were grey-rocking but it wasn't as it was ongoing, resulting in mediation. Following this, our working relationship only superficially improved. Ultimately, it's all about overall control in a shared role. An ineffective manager has only served to compound the issue. 🙏
I have suffered this for years and this is why l will not marry. He never has a conversation
@@rathernotsay8715Don’t. Don’t even waste your time dating him. Tell him that’s why. Perhaps if all women start lifting, we can raise the bar on this.
My boyfriend does this when we are arguing or when I'm trying to talk about my feelings when I'm upset, once in awhile I blow up. I hate not being heard
Run
@kathforbes1724 Unfortunately it's not that easy to get up and run.
Feeeels!
And even though you blow up do you feel heard? Or just feel like you going crazy.
Alone, feeling like your feelings are not valid..
I feel you.
And I don't know what to do
It’s best you walk away
@@kcbluebutterfly2182. Definitely do not marry this person. He needs reparenting (learn people skills) AND repenting (God changes the person). Someone who doesn’t care about your feelings also doesn’t care about your feelings while he is cheating on you or generally destroying your life. Think about this: who is someone who isn’t with God putting first when he puts himself first? Who is influencing that person if he doesn’t have to answer to a higher power or have a Spirit of Love (Christ) in him? These are the people darkness eventually uses, even if Satan has to play the long con. RUN!
Thank you for telling us that our feeling of being invisible and excluded by a supposed partner is REAL and not acceptable.
My boyfriend doesn’t necessarily give the silent treatment, but he gets really pensive weeks before a trip. I told him I was excited to restore old furniture and he said “yeah…” like a deflated balloon. When I called him out on it, he was like “I said yeah, I agreed with you!” It’s not like silent treatment, it’s just that he gets really cold and then denies it, and then gets upset at me if I ask “what’s wrong?”
My last relationship ended because of this . And I made it worse by non stop trying to get through
My therapist told me this, since I’m in the middle of it and it’s been driving me nuts. Both of the recent times it’s happened it was because I expressed concerns over his views on aggression and how he reacted when angry. He turned it all around on me, total gaslighting and then stonewalled for 3 days each time. I’m so over it but it’s also my fault because when he “makes up for it” it’s really that he gives me a hug or gift and acts like he forgives me. And I’m afraid to rock the boat and go back into silent treatment mode. So I avoid it. This time when he comes from his trip I will ask him to sit and I will tell him we need to talk about getting into therapy so we can communicate healthily. The silent treatment hurts me and it hasn’t solved the recurring issues that he is tired of too. If that doesn’t go well then best plan an out. I have two young children and no job but I am so exhausted of being disrespected like this and my concerns not being addressed. I can’t live in an angry, egg shell walking home. And I don’t want that for my kids either.
Also after trying to get through to him for two of the days, I gave up. One day later he went back to “acknowledging my existence” basically. Not actually talking about anything that occurred lol.
I’m on a relationship for almost 6 years and whenever we get into any arguments he gaslights me and in the end I apologize to him all the time, and this time i didn’t apologize but I explained my side, he left me on read, I didn’t send anything but after few days I greeted him on his bday and I got a cold “thank you” that’s when I totally decided it’s enough, I went silent after that and now we are on 3rd week without any communication, no calls or message from him
@@temporosadaisy has he said anything yet? I’m dealing with something similar. I get torn between needing him to survive and being ashamed of allowing myself to be treated this way
25yrs coming to an end with this. And it’s still my fault even though I stated my boundaries and intentions. Then can’t believe you don’t love me anymore and are leaving your such a bad person. Guilt and shame you can have it dear. I’ve done everything you could ask of someone other than to give you my soul and that ain’t going to happen. You got one maybe you should find it. You can lead a horse to water but cannot make em drink…….
Thank you for the kindness in your voice while presenting this analyses. Very informative.
My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years (we’re 59 years old) does this anytime I want to discuss a problem. She calls me sensitive, talks over me, says she doesn’t have time for this and starts the silence. Thank you for your advice. I believe she is a covert narcissist, and I’m just going to move on. I can’t keep believing my love will heal her
This is so true! I jsut ended a relationship where my boyfriend started shutting down and avoiding me after an argument that happened two months ago. At last when I broke up with him and confronted him he acted like a victim saying that I made life difficult for him and complicated things. It was the most draining experience ever. He always made me feel that it was my fault
Thank you this was incredibly validating
I have been living with this exact type of treatment & abuse for 40 years. I can tell you that it definitely damages the relationship and whoever it is done to
Why for 40 years?
its good to know im not the problem and will thrive with or without my favorite narcissist
They don't understand your kind attitude toward to their nasty behavior. At least people I met didn't open up. So I walked away. My child is experiencing similar stuff with her bully. I told my child not to beg or please the bully so she will be included again. It's a sad world we have to deal with broken people.
Thank you 💛
Yes it's maximal stress when you love the person and get the silent treatment. I went through this lately. Called him out again and again and was willing to leave. I do not want this in my life.
The moment were you said it's like a kid holding his breath in order to get what he wants, i had a laugh in spite of all : )
I’m experiencing this now…I love my partner very much but after a few times of him doing this to me…I just don’t know how we can come back from this. It’s torture
They know what they’re doing. My sisters do this to me whenever we have conflicts
Run and don’t look back.
He won’t change. Ever.
Run
15 years down the drain for me. LEAVE ASAP.
Going through this now... Thank you for your post.
I was devastated with stone walling its so toxic!
My sister does this all the time. I have cut her off for 2-3 years before and decided to forgive her. 4 years later, I have been holding it in for those 4 years and I am deciding to cut her off today. This is my first time finding out the term of what she did. She always started an argument, and I would listen to her piece, but when to came my turn, she refused to hear me out or talk about it. She would get mad when I try to talk about it saying that the conversation is over but to me, it doesn't feel over.
A very good account indeed and applicable to multiple contexts, not just marital relationships. 👏 I was looking at it from a work perspective. Interestingly, the person said they were grey-rocking but it wasn't as it was ongoing, resulting in mediation. Following this, our working relationship only superficially improved. Ultimately, it's all about overall control in a shared role. An ineffective manager has only served to compound the issue. 🙏
Absolutely comes across as emotional punishment. Tantrum.
My husband and his entire family do this. My husband stopped speaking to me simply for stating my feelings and he did not agree with my feelings….I shit you not, claimed how I feel was not “fair” and stopped speaking to acknowledging me for 19 days. Then he made the fatal mistake of giving my adult son the silent treatment for two whole fucking months and waged psychological warfare on him….did I mention my son is a behavioral health specialist and was speaking to his psych team about this. My son left and cut all ties with him and his side of the family.
My boyfriend is doing this to me right now. I've asked a few times if he can take a walk or go somewhere besides the kitchen during at least one of my lunch breaks during the week. He works next to the kitchen and I feel constantly watched on my breaks which just isn't relaxing. So today I asked if he's taking a walk, he said yes but then played his guitar in the kitchen for about 20 minutes . I *honestly* gently reminded him that I'd like to have one day planned where I can come down for break and make my lunch in solitude...he brought up one of his grievences about living together and left. Then I texted him when I was going back to work to let him know that he can come back whenever he wants. Then I asked via text if he'd like to do a certain hike tomorrow...no response to anything. I know he is giving me the silent treatment now. Your video was helpful thank you but I still don't know how to handle it, it's so awkward because I have to see him and he's just going to ignore me .. again.
This was a super good explanation of the behavior, very very well described and easy to understand. Thank you for sharing!
Wife of 4 years...
She started crying on Sunday and said she was leaving. Within minutes she turned ice cold and hasn't spoken a word to me since. Treats me like a ghost in my house and stays gone as much as possible until bedtime. Then when I enter the bedroom she gets out of the bed and goes and sleeps on the couch until morning and then disappears for the day. Hurts so bad....I don't know how to act in the house with her there. I've not tried to speak with her since she said she wanted out. Excruciating.
I wish I had known about this or understood the mechanism and how toxic it is. I guess I am now starting to understand that it is gaslighting (another new term for me) and how susceptible I am to it. I feel absolutely gutted and rejected every time my wife does this. I always felt it was wrong on some level but would question if I did something to deserve it. It gives me some relief to realize I am not crazy and it is manipulative.
I think it is time for me to seek out a therapist to help me understand these concepts better. Wish I’d known this when I was younger.
I think you should seek a therapist who is a specialist in narcissism or they will never understand and know how to help you. Your wife is the one with the problem but I've learned by living with my narcissist husband that they will make you look like the problem. These people will not change so unless you want to live your whole life wondering why you're getting the silent treatment instead of running as fast as you can which is what I wish I would have done when I was young enough to leave
@@sherisanchez4334 ur never too old to care for yourself.
My mom does this to me all the time, whenever I want to talk about the family and get to the bottom or anything deep. It cannot be done and she stone walls me whenever she feels like or doesn't want to talk or discuss anything she's a narcissist and throw tantrums too. She always takes it out on me.
Only you can change this by not only understanding why she doing this BUT LEARN HOW NOT TO BE.....Speak your truth to your Mother even though you feel it'll lay on deaf ears....TRUST me that it never does....all they do is pretend it hasn't affected them because they live a unauthentic life
Why do you have anything to do with her?
Hey sis, we could be related bc it sounds like we grew up together sharing the same two pair of shoes...
I have been married over 40 years. I react to things my husband do that makes me angry with silent treatment. I have always focused on what he did and, as I am researching, I am learning that I have been wrong too. I didn't realize I employ passive aggressive and controlling tactics all while reacting to what I perceive as him trying to control and be possessive of me. We are both being toxic, not just him. This is bitter truth to swallow. Our whole fight is about him becoming enraged when I don't come home before he goes to bed. I work evenings and he works day shift. But he demands that I be home by his bedtime. A few times he has tracked me down and embarrassed me or he will constantly call and text. I am 63 years old and it infuriates me. But now I see 2 wrongs don't make things right. Yet I don't know what to do
Chances are, he’s reacting to silent treatment by having an affair with another woman, perhaps a close friend of yours. Men don’t cope well with silent treatment and will find other ways to repair the damage, an affair is an escape route
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my husband's mindset. It also solidifies my theory that he has been gaslighting me, but I've never been able to clearly put that into words. Now I can say that it's the constant questioning he put my mind in that was actually gaslighting. I'm happy to say that through therapy of my own, I've risen above the begging for communication and the apologizing. Me expressing my feelings and needs is not something I need to apologize for.
Ah, the silent treatment. I’m often a recipient of that. Good thing I’m an introvert. So, I’m quiet back. 😑 😑
If you’re not going to tell me what I did wrong, well then I’ll never know. And that’s fine with me.
I just ignore him and act like it doesn't bother me because it doesn't anymore it's actually nice not to have to get into a fight every time I have to talk to him. Just look at the silent treatment as a reward instead of a punishment and do what you want without this person go somewhere and use your time for you while they stew in their misery and don't even know why they're giving you the silent treatment. It's not you it's the narcissist and they don't change because they will never believe they have a problem. Don't waste your time
Well I showed this to my wife as she was doing this and she went in to a full meltdown and told me I was being manipulative and crazy then started playing music on her phone to drown out to this video.
I'm sorry she treats you that way.
I’m so sorry. You are worth being seen and heard. Never forget it!
I tolerated years of this, thinking I that it was me causing it. After 1 years of trying my best and always being open to dialogue, she never changed. Stonewalling is abuse and evil. NEVER PUT UP WITH IT. Leave the relationship.
i love how you lay it all out with what is and isn't acceptable. You advise on what to say to them and how to get them help.
Very helpful indeed.
Edit: I was watching a few of your vids. When I do, I have to wear earbuds. There is this loud dinging bell. The pitch and volume makes it quite a bit louder than your voice. I wanted to ask if it were possible to lower that volume? 😄
I Noticed that as well.
I've never noticed the sounds you mentioned. That sounds very odd, and it must be disturbing. I will keep my eyes and ears open and see if I can understand what may be happening.
When the caption labels come up, like the green ribbon that says “gaslighting”, there’s a high pitched chime.
I noticed it because it hurts my autistic ears
Was just in a complicated, pseudo-relationship: friends with benefits, or whatever my partner wanted at any given time. Was love-bombed in the beginning, slowly I started to notice an eerily subtle form of possession of myself, plus the stonewalling, in addition to other traits of a covert narcissist. And before I knew it, swoosh! I became caught up in everything him and forgot what was reality.
They Are Out Here Putting People In The Cobra Clutch, Then They Wake Us Up Asking Us What Happened?
I had silent treatment few times in my life from narcissist. When i identified toxic behaviour, i explosed narcissist totally, said / wrote all the true directly to the narcissist in rough way without doubts and blocked permanently😂 i felt i left the home of bees inside with their demons😂😂😂
What if the person expresses his or her needs and gets ignored, so the person no longer knows how to express it or sees the need to communicate further.
People tend to think that others are robots - once you rewrite program it will work that way. Sadly no. I am not able to do things reliably unless I repeat them 100x times and I have feedback it is correct.
Same as my puppy. Took me 4 months to teach him that it is not okay to piss in the house. I was telling him to not do it, why didnt he know the first time he was told? Well maybe it was still convenient to piss at home instead of walking stairs. Maybe walks every 3 hours were just not enough. But he learnt. And now he is perfectly reliable.
Point is no one can expect that something that is said once is engraved in the stone.
My ex told me he does not like long messages and that he feels he cant express himself if I reply too fast. I said okay I will try to make them shorter and give you space to reply.
Then he started to write me in anger I am doing something wrong and I know what. And I was confused. I just told him how was my day and asked him about his and he was upset...? Writing me I know because he told me. And I didn't realize what could be wrong. From my point of view the message was short. Nothing wrong about it and I was waiting for his response. He then proclaimed he won't read what I write. And I asked why and he just said he won't read a wall of text.
So I tried to write 2 line messages but he didn't read them. I missed him. Sent like 2 messages in one day, then one second day and then was silent myself. Meanwhile all that could go wrong in my life went wrong. I was in emergency room with gallbladder attack 3 times, my grandma and uncle died, my digestion didn't work. And my bf was not reading what I was writing to him. When he got back after 4 days he said "relax ffs".
Every question was replied by "I don't know". When will you arrive? Idk. What option is better for you? Idk. How are you doing? Idk.
Three weeks ago he started to threaten me that he will have a war with me because that is what I obviously want. I had a panic attack when he wrote something I was not even daring to read, then after it calmed down and the stress dissappeared (it was not that bad what he wrote) I got another gallbladder attack so 16 hours in pain - again (it can't be stopped just survived).
When I tried to explain to him what happened and to seek some better way we can communicate again he said wall of text and that he doesn't care.
I asked to call with him then. He was rude and repeated he doesn't care. So i told him we broke up then. He got even more mad at me trying to persuade me that it is again what I want. I said that I do not want that but I can't keep up like that. I asked him how he can show me he cares. Said it will be either his way or high way. And again shut down.
You cant expect that anyone in the world will be able to change in blink of an eye and it is ridicullous to perceive the fact people need feedback and encouragement in change as personal attack on you.
You need to follow up. You need to mark down when the things are handled well. And you need to provide gentle reminder where it is not like that. Only that way you can help someone learn to change the way that you would like.
So no. "I said to someone to do A and they still do B they did for their who life" is pretty bad excuse to come and scream at someone they do not care about you for not being accustomed to your condition. Did you help them to adjust their behaviour? Did you support them as part of the team?
Then leave. Don’t use it as an excuse to act like a child.
Not giving silent treatment is not easy, why would I want to help and break it? It will end up being my fault, always reaching first and caring more for talking.
My mother has destroyed our relationship doing this to me. I have given up now. I realise I will always be a stranger to her. If I try to connect with her that makes her angry. She wants to bully me in to playing the part she wrote for me with her silent treatments.
I completely relate to you. I'm so sorry you've been thru and are still going thru it. 💞
I too @ 59 have a pointless relationship with my Sadistically Catholic Not'Her as well.
When someone shuts us out they teach us to live without them ❤
I believe the stonewaller does this as if they're punishing a child. It shows how immature they are and that's on them.
The Good Lord knows what's in my heart.
So relatable.
I sometimes do that. When? When I'm overwhelmed with the conflict/situation/emotions. I just want conflict to stop. Especially if that conflict is about same thing, over and over again, from time to time. I said that this matter is over for me, for me it is resolved. But my partner, whenever we are in conflict, goes back to that, and suddenly, we are in confrontation about other things, from the distant past. As a person who never brings back old issues, that is fruatrating to me. And can't find any other way than to completely shuts down, because the situation will only get worse if we continue, and everything I say will be used against me. In that case, it is much easier to shut down and let the situation cool off.
I thought I was alone in feeling this way.
Take it from an anxiously attached person trying to become secure. The less f's you give the more they take you seriously. Crying and pouring your heart out does nothing or even makes them resent you.
I get what this gentleman is saying and it IS damaging and hurtful.
Contrasting with : My dad used to rage at my mom and was not able to be reasoned with, and would berate her & get more into a rage frenzy when she tried to talk…… so to protect herself, she learned to essentially be silent…& shut down ( the “freeze” response) it was the only way to save her precious energy and reduce the time he raged at her… he would get into a frenzy. A rageaholic. I wouldn’t necessarily call her response “stonewalling” I would call it more the freeze “shut down” and self protection.
This video seems to approach from the sense of being a reasonable person trying to have a reasonable conversation, and the other person won’t hear you and gives you the silent treatment (versus what I described …)
to me, my mom was appropriate in stonewalling my dad because when she tried to talk, it would only add to more abuse towards her.
silent treatment seems reasonable to offer to someone else who is unreasonable and verbally abusing you.
Can you do another video like this but for families? My mother has the entire family supporting her in her victim narrative. I'm the aggressor for TRYING to talk to her. I should have just demonstrated my love by having no visible reaction to her insensitivity to me, agreed that my request for change is a grudge and agree that her pain is real. I have let my mum know that I want to talk to sort out our dynamic but she wants to go back to the old way where I collapsed into her narratives. AS IF SHE WOULD GO TO THERAPY 😞
I think you and I have the same mother !!!! Needed to read that you wrote. It felt so bad for me for the last 4 years, after I spoke a truth about my feelings, then apologised and explained and then was cut off entirely. Made semi progress with mother, but not the rest and then 4 years later, I did an unknown something to cause her to withdraw again and no amount of asking would draw it out, so now I've walked away. After all these years of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells incase I upset someone (this is a complicated family due to my adoption and then finding them), I am done. Totally done. I think I gave it a good run though. And I cannot any longer take the silent treatment, the feeling bad about feeling anything that doesn't align with them, or watching what I say on social media and so on. Like really, I've never said anything nasty or horrible. Only how I felt one time. One time. So like....no. it's childish and honestly, what he says.....if you can't communicate the problem, then I can't help you.
Very enlightening thank you
You helped a lot!! But I DID vacillate between getting mad and begging and pleading. No good.
Avoidants, we now they don’t have the tools but they use it as strength and defense. It is abuse but it’s is done by being stuck in childhood. Just because we grow up doesn’t mean we are all adults. I don’t know and answering a question with something that doesn’t answer the question but creates more confusion. Insecurity instead of answering the question straight and honestly………then pouting when there in the wrong.
Spoken like a true Bowenian therapist
This is the worst kind of emotional abuse. It's especially difficult when family members do this. It creates a mentally unhealthy environment. What's worse is when a specific family member, my sister, Moms caretaker does this to me.
Then, when I speak up my sister uses triangulation tactics by telling my 88 year old Mom and upsetting her and turning most of the family against me.
Why can't she just talk to me rather than talk about me? This makes it especially difficult to go visit my Mom.
She doesn't understand that I'm being stonewalled and really wants nothing to do with me. I'm tired of this silent treatment. It's so demeaning & cruel that it makes me want to move and leave no forwarding address.
I feel guilty of doing this now.
I haven’t talked to my grandma in almost a month. I’d call her once a week, but she is toxic and does like to make back handed comments. There is a lot more to say, but I’d have to write paragraphs. So I decided that I’m not going to call her and that she could call to check up on me. Her and my grandpa talk about everyone behind their back that don’t call for a while, but yet they NEVER call anyone else to check on them. They love to be wanted and needed. Last month my grandma told me she was very upset because it was my moms birthday and mom passed several years ago. So I sent her flowers and called to check on her again. She knows I’ve been having a very difficult time at work and not one time has she picked up the phone to call me to see if I’m ok or how I’m doing. I would communicate this to her, but her and my grandpa are never in the wrong for anything. I’ve tried over several years to communicate feelings and she ignores me or acts like it’s not a big deal. So I thought recently that I’m going to pull back. Is this wrong?
Are you communicating anger through silence? If not, then you're not doing this. If your grandma is toxic and you want to keep her in your life, look at Dr Ramani's advice- she says to gray rock.
No contact with toxic people is somethong else. It is not wrong
I still answer people when spoken to but if someone hurts me I do have trouble communicating my needs and tend to be more standoffish towards them. I see how childish it is now but growing up I was never allowed to voice my needs. We were told to obey and only obey. Having personal needs was a bad thing. Having my own opinion and feelings was shamed and ridiculed by my mom. By family. So I grew up not knowing how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I just isolate or explode. Which isn't healthy. Although my family isn't good at communicating either they just blame and shame. It's a mess all around. Change has to start somewhere I guess and that first comes from admitting to myself the kind of person I have been.
Womdering what the difference is between stomewalling and greyrock ?
Thank you so much.
My teen granddaughter stonewalls me now when she does not want to be accountable. She models exactly what her mother does. They act like they don't have to give me the time of day if they don't want to. T h ey are afraid to admit they are wrong. It is disrespectful and hurtful and they know it.
This looks s all about power control and manipulation. For me I should have exited early during relationship with narcissist. It gets worse.
My best friend has given me this video and said this is me.
I know I don't have good communication skills, I know that I feel emotionally barren. I don't know how to overcome this. .. and I feel like I don't belong anywhere.. I feel like I don't belong here.
after listening you .,I noticed that i use stone walling to save myself from narcesstis family members,is that okay?
My mother in law did this, my husband does it.
Same here my husband and his mother are silent treatment experts it's just such a form of abuse and manipulation and so infantile it shows how weak they are when they can't open up and except responsibility
When my partner doesn't want me to do a social event with him, he will cross a clear boundary, then not talk about what just happened. It leaves me hurt and I feel somewhat disrespected and vulnerable.
I love jim❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Me too!
my ex does it pretty often its especially troubling because we have a daughter, the sad thing is daughter is doing it too now shes 17 so i can kinda understand my teen daughter, but i just spent almost 2 months visiting from another state, they initially wanted me to stay and move close by but i wasnt ready because i didnt know anyone and mom n daughter were busy doing their own stuff so i left, havnt heard from either mom or daughter in like 3 weeks, i tried calling texting a few times but i stopping otherwise i might get blocked or accused of harrassment!, the crazy thing is mom was getting close and intimate wen i first got there, then little by little more distant, now suddenly cruel stonewalling, she knows id like to hear how our daughter is at least, i shouldve known shes always been narsictic, but with a kid involved i hard to let go completely, any advise? im just praying for them and stonewalling back for now
It sounds like you need to accept that you're a narcissist and these women are getting away from you. Good for them
@@jenandbarrys5580 if im the narcisist ill gladly accept that, easier to work on myself, but i dont think thats the case here, you dont know the entire story! but thanks for the encouragement! peace!
Things you need to consider are: is this a pattern? Is the person that is giving you the silent treatment valid in doing so? Did you do something where you should put forward the effort to reach out and if you haven't then that's on you. If this isn't a pattern it's likely the other person is so disgusted by something you may have done and they want you to reach out to them and try to resolve it. The worst thing you can do if this isn't a common occurrence is have a competition on who can hold out the longest. Communication is key but sometimes the person needs space to deal with your actions. These therapists like to think they know how the mind works and you can't define what is abuse without having the relative information that caused the issue in the first place. If you did something despicable, you deserve being given the silent treatment.
My girlfriend of five years stopped talking to me three weeks ago. I have no idea what happened or why she is behaving like this. It HURTS me a lot and it is the third time she has treated me like this in the past year. I feel I should just let her go. But it is really sad.
Decades, but the last two weeks absolutely when a close friend passed, my annual diagnostic mammogram results after breast cancer, why the hell would I feel close to this person.
Well explained, 👍 cheers
my ex... he can kick rocks. I didn't realize what was happening until i finally left and i realized, oh wow i was in an abusive relationship...
Would it help to show them this video to make them aware of the damage they do the relationship? Sometimes I feel not able to find the right words how to explain to my partner how I feel if being treated like this (if he would even listen to me, as usually all is my fault). You really bring it to the point! Thank you so much.
Maybe. I think people who do this, are not aware and not ready to work on themselves.
Specialists say the narcissists don't change. Even when they get insight. Narcissism is personal trait similar to being introvert or extrovert. You can't change this. Very very very few of narcissits change and it's about 60 degrees change, never 180 degree (Dr. Ramani)
@@martaflekova1918 But stonewalling isn't something only a narcissist does. People who are emotionally immature use this bc they don't know how to communicate when they feel hurt.
Well I showed this to my wife as she was doing this and she went in to a full meltdown and told me I was being manipulative and crazy then started playing music on her phone to drown out to this video.
Best thing you could do is leave. I tried for 3 yrs but never ever did she change or even talked to me or communicated. Leave if you still can.
The school I attended claimed white students were damaged and deformed based on student skin color and when I brought this up with the school they refused to discuss it with me. So what is going on there with school organizations stone-walling people.
The context is always important, somebody absolutely disrespected me and I decided to "take-away" my attention from her, of course her 'ego" was absolutely confronted and she was mad at me but again I had the "choice" of not interacting with toxic people . Is my own life and was my personal choice ,more than blaming people for "refusing" to interact the "other" should practice some self-reflection from time to time and don't take anybody for "granted" .
@@nicole2828 I was never abusive and I never insulted neither threat her or played the victim card .I told her straight away my thoughts (something that is almost a sin in our hypocrite society) I just took away what she considered was the "privilege" of my attention, her narcissistic ego which needed a pointless "validation" didn’t get that I can achieve a happy life on my own .
Sergio sounds like the narcissist, she "disrespected" you and you took away the immense honor of your presence? 🤣🤣🤣 good riddance , I'm happy for her
@@jenandbarrys5580 It wasn't any "honor" on the contrary if some people need some "validation" and constant "attention" well that's not my business . If I am the one who needs to apologize all the time and basically rather than a relationship things look like a stressful and painful job I just have to move forward . I can sound "arrogant" and "narcissistic if I want but I don't like to "brag" about my private life.
Some of us go silent to avoid saying the wrong thing and upsetting or annoying people. Let’s face it whatever you do in relationships is usually wrong, so why bother.
My husband says this is why he does it. I’m not an irrational woman and I don’t rage on him or go into emotional fits etc. I constantly praise him, love him adore him, admire him, respect him, and fully love him. He often comments on how surprisingly logical I am. Yet he still does this and claims what you wrote. BECAUSE he does this, he is single-handedly destroying our otherwise great marriage and during this bout of his silence, I’m mentally preparing myself to live without him and making plans to be able to leave in a year or anytime thereafter if it ever happens again.
Him saying the “wrong thing” in a mutual conversation would have been much, much better.
What I’ve just learned by his behavior that I didn’t know before is that he is a coward and this is a cop out.
I understand what you're saying, but in reality , this is a cop out way to deal with things. We don't have to always agree to get along. And it's much more important to say how you feel. That's growth. I hope you can feel safer about talking soon
I’m currently being stonewalled and it’s f*king painful. Blocked on email, phone, facebook, etc.
After years of being treated contemptuously by my boyfriend. I stonewalled him. I don’t see this as the form of a “victim”. I feel like I’ve loss my voice after being verbally abused. I’ve shut down. This video isn’t accurate. I don’t want a reaction or to gaslight. I’m genuinely hurt and tired of expressing myself and asking him to respect me. I’m just done at this point. My ex- boyfriend is narcissistic and I’ve went silent from him treating me contemptuously.
Good for you. In the case of abuse, not making yourself vulnerable is appropriate, sometimes people call it the "grey rock" approach. If someone is abusive, you need to protect yourself, and not let the abuser weapon eyes your vulnerability. The best thing to do is to leave. Best of luck to you.
@@jimbrillon
I totally agree sometimes you need to free yourself from someone who isn't capable of communicating or caring to work on the relationship it's not worth it and I don't blame you for being done
I too totally agree. When on the receiving end with a narcissist…after years of suffering emotionally and mentally, seeking help from councillors and educating myself about narcissism….I took the difficult, brave and totally necessary step of NO CONTACT. I stepped out of the family pattern and off the chess board…not playing and have moved on.
Richard Grannon was a great help in relation to going no contact…
ruclips.net/video/02yDlyRA0rc/видео.htmlsi=Q7jz_iqRgwTCHUkC
I'm dealing with this in my own house. My girlfriend is withdrawing communication also she also stopped cooking.
A FAMILY trait that has 59 years in the making.
Omg same as my in laws and my husband they are all narcissists and his mother is the queen of the silent treatment
Well-said
That's the new culture practiced by everyone who claims to cherish social
People can only treat you like a doormat if you lay down and let them!!!
So if someone is being very passive aggressive or directly attacking you and/or your interest, or trying to turn the arguement around to make it all your fault, is it stonewalling to walk away then?
Thank you
Avoidents do this also because of fear
My girlfriend does this. I dont understand it really. She would start a play fight then all of a sudden she wont talk for days. Like a toddler fr. Eventually ill hug or ask for one and then we restart but im getting kinda tired of it.
I went no contact with my sister and she thinks that I'm stonewalling her.... This is so confusing.
what if the person is your mother and lives with you?
Just run and never look back
My mother, my ex husband and my daughter do this. It drives me nuts.
So true.
I know it's a coping tactic but it's damaging for sure.
My mother does this and now my fiance is doing this
He says he doesn’t want to deal with the drama
What is gaslighting?
What if the person that does This is a therapist?
Brand new to therapy?
They are not my therapist they Just graduated to become a therapist.
So this guy deleted my comment without answering my question first so ill ask again. Most of the people in this common section are victims of the Stone walling. They've also said that they tried to FORCE a conversation that ended in THEY THEMSELVES blowing up. So like I said, I wanna know which one is the 1 in the right and which 1 is the 1 in the wrong? The one who tried to stay silent or the one who kept pushing for a conversation that they knew would end up in a fight?
& do you really disagree that it makes them look desperate, clingy, not independent. Some of these people in the comment section have literally said that they get anxiety when they don't get a response as if people are required to give them a response. Nobody's required to give you their time a day & you getting Anxiety about it means you're mentally unhealthy to be with to begin with.
Lol i hope i get a response & not just deleted 🤣
Lmao, watch me get stonewalled❣️
I don't agree necessarily, when someone is constantly gaslighting by the abuser, what are you supposed to go back for more, sorry I don't agree
very good info, suscribed
Can someone stonewall you while pretending to listen.. like you speak and it just didn't do anything but they seem like playing the card of .. ok talk I will listen
Not new.
Doesn't anyone think sometimes, silent treatment can be a form of defence against any arguments. Sometimes it's not worth opening your mouth because you're probably better off speaking to a brickwall and for your own sanity.
Depends what you label an argument. If somebody telling you how your behaviour made them feel is an "argument", then the silent treatment is wrong. My mother thinks like this. Any small bit of feedback provokes another silent treatment.
@@SusanaXpeace2u I had a boyfriend when I was 20 who would do this every time I brought up an issue that needed to be resolved. I would talk about how something he said made me feel and he would react by standing up and leaving. For a while he got me to look at the way I communicated with him by essentially saying that it distressed him or was aggressive but no matter how hard I tried, he reacted the same way. He didn't come back after a few hours. He would stay away until I contacted him. This could go on for days until I gave in. Over time, trying to live up to his idea of speaking 'reasonably' got more difficult and stressful for me because the issues were piling up unresolved and the fear of being walked out on was putting me on edge. I shake my head that I put up with this for 6 months until I got out. The truth is he wanted someone who never questioned anything he did. He saw me as an extension of himself and walking out with the excuse that I wasn't stating my case in a calm way was him trying to control me by making me too afraid to speak up or challenge anything he did for fear of him walking out. He was a narcissistic monster. I think he must done this about 5 - 6 times. It was completely unacceptable and one of the main reasons I dumped him. I would be there right at the point of having the courage to ask him to think about how he was treating me when he would shut down the discussion by walking out and then me being left in tears. I have never experienced anything like it in all the years since and I would never have allowed anyone to disrespect and manipulate me like that again.
That's what all my narcs said. I was "creating arguments" by communicating ny feelings. As God, the man didn't want to talk about that, and as God's subject, I was wrong to push it, abusive even. So I deserved all the silent treatment, because his feelings matter amd mine don't. Can't I just understand that? 🤣
@@jenandbarrys5580 I haven't the slightest what you mean ,and if you're trying to be sarcastic it's not really working for me. Please explain.
Yes in a normal situation but not when a person continues to do this all the time without warrant and use it to manipulate you should be able to tell the difference
Can someone exhibit this style of behavior when they are mad at you but not necessarily be a narcissist?
I'd say so, yes. My husband did this for so long that I divorced him. He couldn't express himself in an emotionally intelligent way, just like Jim explained. You can only offer someone help and support, but you also have to support yourself and your own emotional state first.
Yes.
Probably but it's not going to keep happening over and over and you don't even know the reason they're mad. It isn't appropriate reaction and you will probably be able to tell if it is this person's go to tool and used in even the most ridiculous of situations
I'd put up with it for a couple days then I'd tell him to leave. I'm not paying for crimes I didn't commit and he doesn't need an excuse to leave right, ? He just can. Well, then he'd play victim and act like he didn't do it. And it was obvious he was just trying to have power... In a really ugly way.