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What To Do When Your Partner Shuts You Out | Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
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- Опубликовано: 17 авг 2024
- Stonewalling is the 4th of the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse.
Here’s where you can catch the past installments that cover Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt.
Stonewalling is when you shut down, and completely tune your partner out.
You act like you couldn’t care less about what they’re saying.
Men are famous for doing this. Statistics show that 85% of the time, the stonewaller is the man in the relationship.
It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that this is a conscious, antagonistic behavior men use to just push their partner’s buttons… but the reality is that
Stonewalling is a natural reaction to emotional flooding - the feeling of complete overwhelm, and powerlessness to stop the emotional tidal wave.
It’s essentially a human’s way of playing dead in the hopes that a predator will give up the fight.
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#Stonewalling #FourHorsemen #Gottman
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I remember in the previous marriage (before I knew that stonewalling is destructive) I was prone to do stonewalling. It was usually a reaction to criticism and contempt that were uttered in a very loud voice, and my thoughts were like that: "oh no, that kind of argument again, that had been nasty in the past, I don't want that again", so I shut down, and I felt like I am in a flight-fight-freeze mode. At that time my brain felt absolutely empty, it was hard to think anything at all, except "let this thunderstorm wash over me, it will end soon". It's very hard to calm down, if your partner employs the other horsemen of the apocalypse.
Contempt is almost always a response to one of the other horsemen (but sometimes it can just be triggered with something comes up that we're sensitive to).
Criticism tends to be the gateway horseman for the other 3.
@@TheGrowthMarriage it’s so true.. my ex and I are friends and I sent her your videos on all the 4 horseman. Wish we would have seen these a long time ago. What’s crazy is I was aware of it without being aware of it.
One of my biggest things that past partners have done has said “you always, you never.”
So when she would say those things after I’ve told her that it bothered me in multiple occasions. Then the defensive comes up and then I would deploy my contempt and I am not proud of the hurtful things I would say. Then she would stonewall. I would reflect on the fight and be like “what the fuck happened and how did it even get to where it got?”
Eventually it got to her stonewalling me without any indicator at all of what she was upset about. It gave me a lot of anxiety and we were never able to recover. I’m happy I saw your videos because now I can identify and work on it.
@indo_flumps It wasn't stonewalling. Stonewalling is a manipulation.
Was it just criticism or was it a bit of feedback?
@@SusanaXpeace2u Well, criticism is a kind of feedback, but a toxic one, and usually the intended message will not reach the recipient. The same applies to sarcasm/contempt.
I am a stonewaller. I recognize that, unfortunately it has become a habit. I honestly don't see myself coming back in 20 minutes. It stinks to say, but I really need to figure out how to relinquish the anger and frustration so that I can come back finish the conversation. Sometimes I go days without coming back and I know that this is affecting my relationship. By the time I come back my spouse is frustrated because of the silent distance. How does one start breaking the stonewall habit and develop tolerance and compassion to stop leaving a pile of unresolved problems behind?
Ja-know? Travel
I never get back to the conversation. And I can stonewall for weeks, he did too. But bottom line is I will never open up. Have opened up before and the result wasn't favorable. You just need to betray my trust once and you will never see me open up again, sometimes I'll refresh his memory as to why I am shutting down. Sometimes it is not even something serious, something silly and unimportant he can let it go too. I don't need to express everything that going through my mind... we can let it go and it's fine.
What happens if you are not fighting? If you dont know when these moments occur? Im just sensing distance and a reduction in communication. My partner has stopped talking to me. Other than regular stuff. This is just making me want to be silent and wanting to go somewhere else.
My boyfriend stonewalls me and I love & adore him. He’s had terrible past relationships, we actually had a rocky start before our relationship became more solid, and now 8 can’t see my life without him, but I know he has mistrust in me, but I wish he would be more vocal and just talk to me about whats wrong instead of stewing in it and shutting me out.
Stonewalling is a tough thing to deal with because one wrong move can send your partner write into that walled-off space. A few things that could help:
Try talking to him, and take notes on a pad of paper while he talks. Don't defend yourself. Don't correct him. Just see if you can understand him and repeat back to him as close to word-for-word what he says as you can.
Also, try getting curious about what might make him feel unsafe sharing with you what's going on for him. Is there anything you're doing to make the environment feel unsafe? Does he feel respected? Are his experiences valid? If not... start there.
Wow love the cannon ball analogy. It is my mother who does this to me. Ive tried everything though, ive tried matching her silence too
These are so helpful 🎉
This doesn’t really address what you should do if your partner stone walls you, which is what the title suggests. This is what to do if you’re stonewalling people.
I'm realizing that my marriage is at the about to be done due the 4 horsemen.
The good thing is that now you can do something about it!
Any update? Were you able to work on it?
It's not worth it leave the relationship this is a character trait and this person needs help
Wouldn’t it be great if a partner could be open enough to give you the benefit of the doubt and not dismiss your request for a more regulated or emotionally controlled response as immature, hyper sensitive or feminine!?
Do you have a book you'd recommend for developing emotional intelligence / awareness? Great content, Nate!
Some of my favorites are "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie, "Everything Isn't Terrible" by Dr. Kathleen Smith, and anything by Dr. David Scharch.
Those suggestions only work in extremely healthy relationships in the first place.
If a relationship is abusive, these issues are obviously secondary. And the suggestions in this video series exactly what help make an unhealthy relationship healthy again.
If your approach to intense conversations is to stop communicating all together and you lack the emotional maturity to understand your own emotions maybe just stay
I shut down but I don't tune him out. I shut down because he ends up yelling, cussing, name calling etc...I can't get a word in edgewise and I'm just in shock hearing the cruel things he says. I've never called him names or cussed at him. He doesn't care that he hurt me deeply. I told him awhile ago that I'm depressed and want to die. He texted me "die asshole."
My wife is like that, too. She really tries to stab and injure me with her words, and often says whatever she thinks will hurt the most (and is often violent/destructive). I may raise my voice a bit in response, to emphasize a point or speak with emotion, but I am never trying to hurt her with my words. I am just trying to reason with her. She also speaks over me, too, so that I cannot speak. That is usually the worst part.
حلم 💭 ،،،،،،،،،،،،،،،،،حلم حلم 💭 حلم 💭 8
Why do you keep using the word partner? That’s a modern feminist word