How to deal with an emotionally immature parent
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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Thank you for this. It’s about 53 years too late for me, but am making it as can with an 84 year old (who really is an arrested developed 3 year old) terrorizer. But this is going to save others to claim and carve out their best life earlier on. Keep up the fantastic work! 🙏🏼
54 here. This is my journey too. We can heal the next generations. 😊
May the comfort of God & wisdom garnered help many, thanks to your life.
Definitely never too late but ok hold urself back lol
I Appreciate your comment
52 yes here..same story
This is my Dad. Hes nearly 70 and incapable of controlling his emotions. I spent my whole upbringing being told by him and my mom how terrible I was for making them react the way they do. I could ask a simple question and it would send him into an emotional tail spin. Even last month my mom trotted out the same ol line of "Why must you upset him so." And I just responded "Maybe he should learn to control his emotions." She looked at me as if I was crazy
My mother got gobsmacked when I confronted her with these things one by one after I became an adult. The very idea that I didn't have to stand there and take it, that I had the legally protected autonomy to walk away and shut my door in her face, or just not answer my phone, was world-shattering for her.
The loss of control is life changing for the main character syndrome types
Love to hear it. WILL she learn the lesson from that awful feeling she’s experiencing? Probably not lol but as long as she remains this way, she’ll have to continue to experience it
"its not my fault, you can't handle ur emotions" this hits home.
This was me as a new parent. I had to really get help for my own trauma so I didn’t hurt MY children😢
❤❤
Thank you for realizing and being willing to look at yourself. ❤ It's so so hard, but it's so so vital with young minds around. 🫂❤️🫂 Thank you for being braver and stronger than my parents. 🙏 I'm in therapy now simply because I don't want to project my trauma on my partner. But the healing journey has brought me home to myself and given me my life back.
💙
@@fareebug8439 thank you. 😊 My husband and our sons mean the world to me. I caught myself so casually saying “you’re going to give me a heart attack!” and I had a moment of internal dialogue asking “what are you doing?!” And there were other things, too… I was on my way to irreparably hurting my children when they were simply being normal kids. It was hard to face my past and what I went through … but it wasn’t an option to ignore it anymore.
I left the war zone and became one. It’s a lot of work, self awareness, honesty, balancing of goals and not putting too much unmanageable stuff, pulling it together
My father, he's an almost 70 year old child. He's also been abusive so I have a very hard time dealing with him at all. To help myself and in general, my best solution right now is to just avoid him as much as possible.
For some of us that just is the safer option
I tried off and on to have a relationship with mine. The “off” periods were just too peaceful, healthy, and productive to ignore. So I took the plunge after one of his “we’re Irish we’re gonna argue!” outbursts. (We’re not, and it’s never an argument it’s him having an infected-ego tantrum.)
Haven’t spoken in years. So much better. He chose his actions. I wish you so much peace.
@@elisabethhughes6005 Thank you, and that's exactly how his is. He can't let go of his ego enough to realize he is or has hurt other people, namely me. The more time I spend away to more I realize I'm happy nowhere near him. It's really sad because family is NOT supposed to be this way. But I'm glad you have found peace.
I was in the same situation with my mother until I was around 16/17yrs old but the emotional abuse carried on into my 30’s and it started to effect my life, my relationships with others, I was becoming the same as her, I finally recognised this with help from my partner and things happened that it ended up with my walking away for ever, I haven’t spoken to my mother for around 14yrs but in that time I have had to relearn my life becoming a better version of my previous self and I have evolved now but certain things still effect me and I still struggle with confidence and stepping out of my comfort zone but I believe I will get there bit by bit
No matter what we do, we'll never be good enough for parents who are like this. In my family, a big emphasis was placed on academics. I graduated college at the top of my class with Latin Honors, and that still wasn't enough. They always find other reasons to criticize me / they always find excuses to tear into us. Rather that celebrating my / our accomplishments and supporting us in life
We celebrate You. Great job going to college 😅❤
They got a phd in putting others down.
I know this feeling so well & I'm so sorry you feel this way. just know that you are enough & there's something missing within them that makes them feel the need to try to take that pride from you.
That's so sad. You became a high achiever but your parents were too childish to celebrate your results. 💔
Well done on your successes though.
🧡
We have to learn to celebrate our wins for ourselves and get emotional support elsewhere.
🎉
Nuke deployed! I appreciate the responses from the healthy person. This short will get many watches from me until those words sink in.
Thank you, Nicole.
Same!
Same here @spacegirl226
Yes, me too 😮😅
Oh my god! The guilt of disappointing weighs heavy on me and your dialogue about the parent being responsible for their own emotions/ disappointments was massively eye opening!! THANK YOU FOR THIS❤❤❤
She hangs up the phone. I'm okay with not talking to her. This was extremely helpful too
If schools teach Emotional intelligence. We would live in a better place.
Why can't you teach it yourself? School = reading, writing, history, math... Home= emotional , social, ethical lessons. Everybody has a role... everybody. Especially parents.
@@robertbooth3699 It depends on the household, some don't learn it at home. School does not only teach reading, writing science, math, and so on. It teaches all sorts of things, life lessons you will learn and take with you. It can teach communication, hardwork, social skills. But school can also teach emotional intelligence, especially when it comes to interactions. To boil school down to just books and paper and not add life lessons to the mix is silly, especially since most of your young years are IN school. They have played multiple roles for many kids their entire lives. What you don't learn in school, you learn at home, and what you don't learn at home, you learn at school.
@@Ivan_is_still_alive_trust_me having taught school for 23 years I have a few caveats to your comment but don't really wish to pursue it any farther.
@@robertbooth3699 why not? Im open for a discussion. It's like you see how these things are wrong.
See above.
Perfectly encapsulates my relationship with my mother, down to learning that the only thing you can control is the way you respond to the constant need for validation and attempts at manipulation.
This is very timely as many of us want to work on healing our relationships with our parents since we can forgive, yet some things can't be forgotten. Also this is extra hard for those fellow ADHD'ers out there, so big shout out! 💯
I’m glad this works for most. When I stay in observer, and try to keep grounded in objectivity of the situation my mother gets physically violent and incredibly verbally abusive. She is a true NPD so responding in a way that does not feed chaos and conflict actually makes the explosion bigger.
I love you. you really understand us, people with PTSD, C PTSD...❤
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💚Thank you so much for this!!!
Yes I echo most of the comments from this video! Over 50 years of trying to deal with two emotionally delayed parents!
Wow! Your videos are so on point and immensely helpful. Thank you talking about a problem but also what to do about it. 🙏
My father once told me „I calculated that you have cost me $500.000“
I am happy for him that he is able to add numbers. But it was his choice to have a child and his responsibility. His parents also spent money on him. Did he calculate it also?
To God, you are more valuable than any material item. You have a soul & were created amazingly in God's image to BE uniquely you.
One of a kind. A treasure.
My father reminded me about how much he spends everytime for my therapy session whenever I don't behave the way he expected the therapy to have changed me😂 .. 15 years later, irony is , he's having to spend 10 times more on his own therapy (not doing this on his own, but still sits in them ) but has blissfully forgotten what all he spoke/ did..
And I needed half a year of therapy for this. Still getting there.
Empowering 🎉
Such an important topic! 🌟✨ Dealing with emotionally immature parents can be challenging, but understanding their behavior is key to finding healthy ways to cope. Setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and communicating effectively can make a huge difference.
Bravo 👏🏼 we all want to get to this point 💜
It's as if you're in my home. Exactly my life with my mother all the time luckily therapy is helping me see it through different lenses and respond appropriately. Thank you for all you do ❤!
Absolutely love this, my father just lost my mother almost a year ago and I’ve been having to deal with his emotional issues about welcoming a new woman into his life, it’s been exhausting for me, but now I know that his decisions either good or bad shouldn’t impact my life anymore. ❤
I’m emotionally immature, thank you.
Thank you I needed that ❤
Thank you for all of these videos they help so much to validate my childhood experiences and for me to go away and do the work so its not passes down the generations ❤
Thank you very much
I was waiting for the signature mom’s surprised look at the end 😂
Love from Philly!
Yes! My therapist and I had this almost exact conversation about my mother about expectations and setting boundaries!
❤❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤
So hard not to slip in the messiness of it all. But thankful for therapy!
Thank you 😊
Omg I'm 44 and it's 3 am and I can't sleep because I had a fight with my mom today, I needed this video so desperately 😢
Great material! Although I need to find ways to properly respond to a parent who's not explosive but doesn't want to leave me alone for five minutes (including bathroom visits) or cries hysterically... Dealing with an angry one is much easier for me
thank you so much for putting this out there. i grew up with a mom who i love dearly, but we've rarely, if ever, had a conversation where she didn't end up yelling. the most recent one she screamed in my face in front of my partner & we all thought she was going to hit me. little did i know, her & my dad were having issues (they're now in the middle of a divorce), so i think that's where that came from. i'm 22 & still having to learn from my partner that you can settle with disagreements without yelling. i grew up that way & didn't know how else to deal with it. i'm so grateful that i'm learning the healthier ways to deal with things, but it's tough, especially when no matter what i do, i never feel good enough for my mom. i've put myself through college, built a healthy relationship with my partner, i have two beautiful fur babies, and have joined the military & still most of what i hear is judgement. i've learned that the only person i need to make happy is myself.
Yes I have two narcissistic parents and they yell and scream when they both talk and it’s so annoying because they need hearing aids and also psychological help but refuse to go i honestly can’t stand being around them anymore and im in my 50’s and they are in their 70’s
Thank you! Merci! Gracias! Danke!
my mom and mother-in-law are both like this, it's awesome!!!
Yup - this works perfecly and even improves the relationship - these are the boundaries and accountability their inner children are longing for
Thanks for posting this today, I really needed it!
Yo whatup just officially disconnected from/going no contact with my dad whos been like this my whole life at least 🎉🎉 but I hope you all find yourself at a place you feel safe to do that too 💖
I'm 15 and my mom acts this way and tells me to get out of th room when she suddenly starts screaming when I ask sensible questions that she can't answer without admitting that she has done something wrong. How do I deal with her?
You deal with her as little as possible. Try to have empathy for her by looking at her life and learning what it has been like. You may find some reasons that help make sense of why she is the way she is or you may not. Either way you have to have respect for her if she provides for you. It's not your job to fix her and you more than likely cannot effect any changes in her as her minor dependent. Make mental notes of how you do not want to be. She is likely putting you in an environment that caused her to become who she is. It is a cycle like that. Thinking about it and recognizing patterns is the key to avoiding it and creating your own reality and outcome.
@@merdog3190I agree with some of that. But this doesn't necessarily solve the problem. You can learn about what happens to them, empathize with their pain. But then, they hurt you, and it gets harder to do so. Which is why I think you don't have to empathize with them. I've tried for years, and have stopped, because even though I know my mother did what she did, I can't easily find it in myself to empathize. I've become apathetic to her struggles, because what I've learned is that regardless of their struggle, the person they became in the end hurt me. I love my mom to death, and still try sometimes, but it gets nowhere. This is just my thought on the matter though.
@@Ivan_is_still_alive_trust_me this should solve the problem for you as far as your mental state is concerned. It isn't your job, your place, or likely even within your ability to help or solve your mother's emotional problems. The point of looking at their lives is to see if there is any room for empathy based on circumstances. There are some people out there who are just black holes of want and need and you can look at their lives and there's no real reason for them to be psychotic like they are but they just are. Sometimes you have to go completely no contact. You always need to have boundaries in place that protect your mental well-being primarily.
I joined a 15 day driving class nearby my locality from a boring, annoying driving instructor, I completed 1 theory class and 14 days of classes continuously. He didn't let me steer the car on my own, trainer DIDN'T even teach me Reverse parking
But I learned the basics really well and I didn't damage anything or anyone, followed rules. I'm 20 y.o now, I'm trying to learn more by trying to join a new driving class or through a second hand rented car or something as soon as I get my learner's licence
My Parents ARE NOT ALLOWING TO LEARN DRIVING A CAR or a two wheeler, they're not proud of my achievements so far or having me as their kid 😢😢
I am STRIVING TO LIVE BETTER, ADAPT, LEARN NEW SKILLS to beat my depression, anxiety and my lack of social skills
Driving gave me a sense of achievement, huge boost of motivation to learn and have a positive outlook of life.
MY PARENTS ARE SABOTAGING MY LIFE 😡😡😡😡😤😤😤😰😰😫😫😫😭😭
I'm sorry, some parents need to feel above someone else just to feel better themselves. Some of those kind of parents often don't have any friends to talk to. They are a mess, but very skilled in putting blame and responsibilities over their kid's shoulders.
You do you, and be proud to survive the madness. We know many people with similar struggles don't.
Best wishes for you, you have good instincts. Trust them. ❤
I left home at 18-it’s worth it to distance from their controlling behaviour. And didn’t get my license until 21 (yes: freedom! )
These videos are so useful and healing to me. Thank you so much for your work ❤ They show me there's another way, another pattern of how things can be said. I listen to them over and over until these words are mine and I can say them from a place of peace and inner strength. Even sometimes I stand out without conviction and it works!!🎉
I really needed this tonight. Thank you.
Thank you. You're amazing ❤
How about dealing with entitled emotionally immature adult offspring?
You helped me heal in ways I never knew I could.
We’re all dealing with this because our parents are baby boomers.
What is a soul to do when THIS example is a MSW degree 'professional' who once 'served' as a president of a national psychology organization...
???
Thank you for this ❤. Both my parents are like this, unfortunately. This was very helpful!
Holistic psychologists is the best❤
This also applies to emotionally immature spouses.
This!! But instead of shutting down I get filled with rage and explode back. I feel the need to match energy to prove they can’t always be right… but then I guess it makes me no better. Vicious cycle.
My parents got divorced around June of this year (2024). I wrote a letter to my mom saying that this situation was gonna get bad for people and I didn't like it. At the beginning of the letter, I told her my intention that the letter was to inform her and not hurt her. The crazy thing is that she got upset and decided to cry and told me that I should live with my dad instead of her (even though I made the decision to live with her). She started crying and acted as if I hurt her with the letter I said shouldn't hurt her. I started to please her by saying I messed up and said I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. From now on, I'll say my opinions without remorse. Including my own family. I've always had to compromise to my families bull crap and it's getting frustrating. Thank you for this.
This was so beautiful and reassuring to listen to. Thank you so much!
"Mum, is that you?"
Having an emotionally immature mother sounds and acts exactly like this. This is absolutely spot on.
If I showed this to my Dad he’d probably scream a mix of curse word salad at me remind me of every dollar he’s ever spent on me. Then he’d start on a long list of everything he thinks I’ve done wrong in my life.
Fortunately I’m an adult now, and he can’t force me to sit and listen to his poison.
Assuming your parents will actually listen to your opinion without going insane.
How do you respond when your parent makes a false accusation, without defending yourself?
... And then I got tired of constantly playing these senseless games and just break this connection, finally breathing out relieved
It all boils down to people who never wanted and/or were never qualified to be parents having to be parents. Being forced to be parents by their situation, their family, their community, religion, partner, access to safe and legal abortion, etc.
Becoming a parent was that pivotal moment their lives that, quite essentially, ruined it. Trapped in a life, not of their choosing, seething in resentment and envy at others living so freely, like they once did.
I was raised by a single mother who had the maturity of a 16-year-old. It was pure hell, because I missed out on having a MOTHER. I hated it so much that, to this day, nothing turns me off more than young, youthful women. I find it literally disgusting and as cringe as it gets. Meanwhile, my mother is in her late 60s now and STILL has the mindset of a 16-year-old. It's even sadder now than it was when she was raising me. I know not all women are like her-some are just 'fun'-but I see it, and I can't shake it. I'm only attracted to women in their mid-to-late 30s and older. I can't stand dating younger women because of what I went through. For context, I'm in my late 30s now, and this has stuck with me my entire life.
You don't even have to do this stuff. If you're at risk of being retraumatised, you can just go NC (for those who can - i know it's not always possible.)
My mom grew up in a 1960s orphanage, she's stuck at about 13. It's been really weird to watch my own kids age out of her mentality and distance. Makes me sad for her but she also chose never to seek more than a few therapy sessions in order to progress. When I interact with her I remind myself I'm pretty much talking to a teenager and to try and keep my cool.
Been there for so many years, finally stood up to the emotional abuse, taught myself how to manage it without getting backlash and eventually moved away, limited contact and now haven’t spoken to my mother for around 12-14yrs it was hard at first but it’s better than being in a toxic relationship with her.
I was hoping this was a perspective on how to deal with an emotionally immature co-parent, then I realised it was from the child's point of view.
It’s even worse when they’re like this and a raging alcoholic…
It's hard to implement, as we have become almost hardwired to react like that, but we can definitely try the ways suggested in the video
This is exactly what I did. And set the boundary that if you dont respect me I dont have to be around.
Bro this is so my mom. I never fell into the whole people pleaser mode or any of that tho. I always ended up just screaming right back at her because legit I was just sitting here eating lunch and she comes in screaming about how I’m cold and self centered because I didn’t ask about her day???
When your parents are Boomer or older, you should expect this sort of thing. They (as well as Gen X and elder Millenials) were raised in the "children should be soon and not heard" as well as the "spare the rod, spoil the child" era.
In short, they're overly emotional adults because they were emotionally repressed children, and the dam is broken.
How about dealing with a mental ill parent? Alhamdullilah anyways, God give me power to deal with them, after all they are my parents, but I learned that im not responsible for their own behaviour i only can change myself and my actions, sometimes I try to change them and force them to behave in a certain way, but not everything we want we get in this life, just accepting them the way they are and stop playing the oarent role to them is enaugh for me to be comfortable with myself❤
I don't know if you relate to my story guys?
I literally cut my mom's phone few minutes ago as she started getting mad
This is a terrifying "monster" that "came at me" in the 'family' room.
To a 2 year old, it looks like insanity under the guise of 'mommy.'
oho! I was reminded of the generational trauma my mother inherited from my gradfather and from his ancestors. Good thing I was finally able to decipher that code and learned their behaviors the hard way.
My mother all my life. Still today even though I’m 48. I told her more or less what you said and she behaved like a child… still
This is too convenient. The phones are listening...
I learnt this over the years because i refused to let her completely ruin my mental health 😅
Wow this is a classic scene from my life. This is my mom.
Well.
Wait it isn't normal?😂 I'm so cooked😂
THIS! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
As a once upon a time kid id agree as a parent way to give em the idea they know wtf their doing yet. I mean unless your talking about an adult person dealing with their parents then id have ask why havent they already stood up to their parent
This right here is my relationship with my poor mother
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AWESOME. Thank you!❤❤❤
I needed to hear this!!! Thank you 🙏🏻
Dont say i never do anything for you
this is the story of my life with my mom
Bro why this show up on my feed when I’m visiting my mother?
I needed this, thank you! 😁
I needed this so much...
Oh bless u. Thank u..
Woah hit the nail right on
This is fantastic!!
This is so helpful ❤
This was awesome. ❤
Honestly, with the price of college nowadays, if a parent puts you through school…give them grace. Heh
Not really. Especially when they become demanding. Giving them grace is not putting up with their nonsense. They stuck their neck out for you, and that's something, but it doesn't mean they get to do whatever. It's like if you have a friend that does that. You don't gotta put up with their nonsense either.
Needed to see this