Dismissive Avoidant Breakup | How to reach out
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- Опубликовано: 23 июл 2024
- Dismissive avoidant breakup! How to reach out to your avoidant ex! Especially if you’d like to make amends with your dismissive-avoidant ex-partner. Is your dismissive-avoidant not responding? This video will support you to break out of the anxious-avoidant trap and get on the path to a healthy relationship especially if you’re in an anxious preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant relationship.
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@Caroline Tinkle Hey Caroline, I'm sorry to hear that you weren't able to process your card. Also, I'm bummed that I'm just now seeing this comment. If you still need support feel free to email me at katya@katyamorozova.me and I can help you out.
This all sounds good however how do you talk with someone who won’t talk to you? How does that work exactly? I have no way in other than by force. Changing my caller I’d, changing email etc. I wish I knew what I was up against before I fell in love with this woman. My life would be so much easier.
Just don’t. A DA is more likely to ghost you completely a second time and string you along. Once they have disconnected from you once, it’s even easier for them to do it again. If you’re a anxious person, this will only prolong your suffering. Why would you want to do this to yourself. Move on, work in your self, and find someone who is more secure and open with their emotions. The only way a DA is going to discuss any of this with you is if they are doing the hard work through therapy. Even then, it’s still going to be a rough road.
I concur
1000 percent.
Perfect. I feel like the only people DA's should date are other DA's everyone else seems to go crazy from their behavior. Another DA would love it.
That's why you get the last word and send a last text telling them.everytjing you said.
@leescuderi8331 / that's a good Theory
I am a secure attachment style and my DA made me feel anxious attachment. Never realized these types until now. Currently in no contact phase and not sure I ever want to talk again.
you both can change to secure, but you have to genuinely want it and take a therapy if you feel you can't handle it by yourself
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's a good learning experience. Now you know the red flags.
Same here. Sa here my da wife bolts after argument 9 yrs marriage and simply ignores all reasonable attempts to discuss our two year old. She turned me into an aa In the last two years as I lost 11 family members now here I am utterly destroyed all alone going into the holidays 6 mths into a separation days away from my dads death anniversary watching praying learning and starting to lose hope
Same here.
Same. Secure attachment type but not for the DA. It was like an out of body experience watching myself be anxious. Weird
Apologise for what? There's nothing to apologise for! Other than being unaware that my ex is a DA. And wanting to progress the partnership.
I love these comments! Good to know I'm not alone. Why would anyone want to reach out to a dismissive avoidant ex? Maybe if you're also a dismissive avoidant and having SO LITTLE is enough for you, but otherwise let that person go.
He was exactly what I was looking for in all aspects, apart from affection, I liked him so much & it felt so good to be around him....I didn't feel like this with anyone FOR YEARS
I reached out to my DA after 6 weeks of no contact, I just asked her if she would like to go for a walk with me in the coming days, she responded very politely and said that she would. I didn't see a need to talk at all about our relationship and I'm glad I didn't. I'll save that for a better time when it needs to be discussed.
How did it end up working out?
@@steel128 We have been together since and our relationship is better than ever. I concentrated on making myself a better person while we were apart (body and mind) and she really responded to that. Thanks so much for asking.
@@indiana091 I'm happy it worked out for ya! I reached out after two weeks, but made the mistake of talking about the relationship. She told me to stop contacting her. I haven't reached out since, been about two months. I didn't know she was an FA until doing research on all her actions. She was still in the dismissive stage when I reached out and I most likely overwhelmed her with relationship talk. Maybe I should give it one last shot and try what you did. I've improved in my time away as well
@@steel128 Never know until you try, I hope it all works out for you.
This gives me hope. Thank you. I hope things are still going well with you and your partner!
My DA ex broke me...I would run from a DA. I wasted time, money and feelings on someone who ghosted me after two years. He told me he had lost interest, I made him unhappy. Then came back like nothing 3 days later and I wanted to talk about it on the phone I was not pressuring him or anything. Then he ghosted me...I went from secure to anxious 😒.
3 days is nothing in a case of DA, we are very sloooooow on processing our emotions - two-three weeks could be ok, sometimes it takes 3 months or more in a case anger or contempt was involved
Funny how you go from thinking you are a stable person till you meet one of these people. Then they make you sound like the crazy one.
@@MaruskaStarshaya It would be helpful to elaborate, please. Why are DA s so wishy washy? My boyfriend kept leaving me for his abusive ex wife. I think it was because he wasn't romantically involved with her. They share an apartment which he loves. He blocked me when he was with her because she's so violent. None of this makes sense to me. Does this sound normal to you?
3 days that is not typical of a DA, the first time she left was 2 months, 2nd time 6 months and now she left again, who knows and Im moving on.
emotions and sincerity. Emotional connection is important atleast to some bit that it allows you to be vulnerable and speak your heart to.
All of this advice is probably relevant with the wisdom of hindsight. If the 'victim/recipient' of the DA's treatment had no idea who he/she was dealing with, they would naturally assume that it was their own lack of appeal that was the explanation. It's taken me some five months to realise that it's not my lack of appeal, but rather the DA's inability to show any feelings. This partially restored my confidence but at the same time made me realise that I'm on a hiding to nothing if I want to pursue this - the comments below make me very, very doubtful if it is advisable to go down a one blind alley.
So great, their ego gets stroked meanwhile they will either not respond at all or they will give you a polite friend conversation. They will almost never change or even aknowledge change is needed. DAs are not worth the effort and are honestly toxic and taxing.
DA are not evil people. They’re emotional human beings as well who struggle just like APs. Relationships are tricky and people can work together and make it work. Attachment styles can change
What I don't understand is the partner of the DA has to go out of their way to do these things... but where/when is this reciprocated???
As far as I know, it won't be reciprocated. If you want them back, you have to change and adapt so they can feel comfortable and be themselves. If you broke up with them and they missed you enough and wanted ypu back and wanted to chase you, then they would have to reflect on what they did and what changes they would need to make.
Your video accurately describes my ex so well...I'm completely overwhelmed with this knowledge.
Why would you want a dismissive avoidant back? If they haven't done their work and you're doing yours, you could have a relationship with someone secure.
It seems the emotionally secure healthy dating pool is extremely sparse these days. Isolation abandonment and general bread-crumbing seems to be the fare of the day. I just keep working on my own development. As such I am so much a better person and worthy of something nice. It does make me feel better and provides me with great confidence. As much as it hurts, the pain is getting better and no longer cripples me. It's been such a long time. And I say I will refuse to settle again, while not being sure this is true. I wonder if I may be become dismissive if I were to meet someone who really wanted a healthy relationship.
Exactly. Unless they worked on themselves - there is no point.
@@jjc2323 this would be more directed to the more masculine part of relationships, the feminine part already being nurturing by nature,
Are we unable to develop the capacity to accept and love others as they are and through that love, tolerance and acceptance feed that rejected part of their soul so as to inspiring stepping into a new phase of growth, by choice, without the shame and coercion so prevalent in this time of lost eldership and rites of passage
One need look no farther than the leadership in today's world to see that the father heart has been lost and forgotten
Happy day 🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇
the thing is you can change your partners attachment style, so there is no need to give up on a loved one because of some hardships
Because life and love isn't black and white and that person, despite their attachment style might have still been someone rare and valuable. You don't just abandon someone you really love (but not blindly!) in a mature way, because they've got issues. Otherwise, good luck of forming ANY stable relationship these days. Issues can be worked on if an understanding can be reached. It's all about reaching that point before cutting your losses and moving on.
Wonderfully clear and helpful counsel, as always. Thank you for your work.
You’re welcome. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
You are so so underrated on this algorithm of coaches. You seriously RULE
Thanks so much, Michael!
In time, I will be a friend. But, at 58? And being blocked by him? No, thanks.
Very informative video!! Really appreciate sharing with us!! Thank You!
Glad to hear it. Thanks for commenting.
Are you a mountain person or a beach person?
Really great video!
Thank you, and thanks for commenting.
These avoidant people are such a turn off!! Starting to remind me of a corps!! No life in them! Good for nothing but sex! No emotions! Hardly a chance of reconciliation if godforbid you make a mistake! Cold fish love and affection. Good what are these people good for other than sitting at a desk as a corporate slave serving some selfish purpose in life for the rest of their life LOL. Good God guys leave these people to their demise
Cant agree more...
Corps. Lololol
Never ever reach out!!!! Don't do it you'll regret it.
🤣🤣🤣 i agree
Why do you say that?
@@almy75 Because the cycle never ends. They will discard you again.
agree, let them live a better life with better people :DD
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
My DA went to therapy, therapist sucked and he still sucked in relationship. Their brain is really scrambled in area of vulnerability and trust. You have years to give this person for a very small chance, very very small, of the making improvements…good luck with that
Geez, don’t reach out. Life is way too short. Go get a puppy instead.
Best advice ever
It's really hard not to sometimes. I have to really put forth an effort. Especially because most of us have a trauma bond with the person. I appreciate all these comments that say to just move on and to let it go. Praying for the strength to do so.
I did 😆 and a kitten 🤪 I’m casually dating before committing again- I can’t get anymore pets! Lol.
Well damn....the puppy can actually tell me they love me to lol
What’s the point being here then Jesus
I did this last night and it hit the spot, thank you
You’re very welcome.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
This is exactly what I needed. Wow❤
So glad to hear it!
@@KatyaMorozova I would love to book a one on one!
@@kevinchang2878 Great! I would love to hear from you. : ) You can book a session here >> www.katyamorozova.me/services-2/
You are a good looking woman! And incredibly insightful.
Very sensible advice. Will put it to practice when I am ready. Thanks 👍
You’re welcome! Glad you found it helpful.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
NO NO NO.. DONT DO IT.
Omg i started cryyyyying at hearing you say step 4: Before I get into that, I want to let you know I never got to acknowledge you for… 😩🥺😭 I feel soooo bad for the things I didn’t acknowledge bc he was trying to hard but I was such an Anxious attachment reacting from fear of abandonment.
can't be grateful enough to you,
really appreciate your style of explanation, understanding and comprehension
of the DAs ,
just a little suggestion:
if you could make the vedios short,
i understand there's lots of information
but would really help us,
so many other issues to deal with
just not a DA partner😅
My DA recently asked for break because i asked her why she seemed to be pulling back. She said she need to find her self, saying she hadnt been ok since her father passed away. I was there for her during the grieving process. After 6 weeks of me reaching out atleast once a week, she eventually agreed to meet up for breakfast. We spoke for an hour and both agreed our relationship wasn't a bad one, but she insists she doesn't want to be in a relationship at this stage. My anxiety is crazy at this stage because i still want her back but ive done enough apologizing for my faults. Dont know if ill ever hear from her again, but will have to wait till she reaches out. I think ive embarrassed myself enough already lol
wait till she reach out! its tiring if we all do the work and effort so draining lol
So did she ever get back to you? And if yes, how long did it take?
I have nothing to apologize for. He told me he loved me 2 days before he broke up with me. We never had one argument, ever. Then all of a sudden he had a million excuses as to why he needed to take a step back.. it's not me, it's you. I asked if there was any hope he may want a relationship with me and he said he didn't want to string me along. He wants to be friends. After. A. YEAR of dating. I told him if he still felt that way in 90 days, he could reach out to me. Day 60 today. I don't think he will reach out and if he does, I can't go backwards into being his friend after he blindsided me. Ugh. I believe he got scared by his own feelings. He broke up with me on the phone.
I recognize a lot of common points... :(
@@storrmarie5585 Thanks - but I won't beg someone to love me. Either his love comes freely - or I don't want it. Until he gets healed, it would never work. I would always be walking on eggshells that he would leave again.
This sounds similar to mine but we never were official. Once I hinted at turning off dating apps and being intimate - instant friend zone. I know it was because he was scared but I’m not going to wait forever bad be strung along. As I watch her talk it makes me realize I don’t want this type of man in my life ever. I’m a secure attachment and will only search for that. I’ve even dating the anxious attachment type too. Not for me. Tried for 3 years.
@@jjc2323 Better be careful... I have been very secure in many of my previous relationships, but this girl with her dismissive avoidant style has quietly and suddenly made me insecure !?
It didn't take long for my former psychologist, who I went back to see what I was going through, to diagnose that I was in a relationship with someone who had a serious personality disorder.
Same situation, but dumped via text in a long distance relationship, night after the last I love yous :(
A lot of pretty hypocritical comments here sayin "don't get back to them, they will never change!", and then describing themselves as anxiouslu attatched. Don't you see that this very same thing can be said about you? Would you advice someone to never ever date you because YOU are anxiously attatched and "can never change"?
I say evaluate case by case. Some people will be insightful and mature enough to work on themselves, some won't. Give people a chance. We will be hurt regardless of who we love, just make sure you set healthy bounderies and don't tolerate abuse or stuff that breaks your sense of self.
I'd be willing to go back to my DA ex. She never ever hurt me, she was just kind of unavaliable and difficult for me to understand. But our relationship, to me, was wonderful. I was nothing but happy with it. It just demanded some patience and empathy on my part, which I obviously gave. I missed some support from her, but I knew she was working on it, and I have friends and family to go to for support, too. That's what friends are for.
Wooow!
I couldnt agree more, same reason I want to get back with my ex
This is good general communication advice, particularly for secure attachment styles. For me personally, having leaned avoidant for much of my life, I usually felt appalled by heartfelt letters & emails & wouldn’t open them. I’d glance at the preview & if it looked like the person was pouring out emotion, I’d delete it. I’m sorry if that’s upsetting or mean, but I think many DAs/ reformed DAs will agree. We can’t deal with your emotional expressions. It feels like you’re dumping on us & making us a beast of burden to carry your emotions.
If you have been in no contact & want to reconnect with a DA, here are HONEST ways that can work: 1- text a totally “safe” (non-emotional) meme or joke. 2- ask a work question that’s not too in-depth. 3- make a “safe” comment publicly on our social media story/ post.
Ultimately, your DA probably left the LTR because it was too emotional/ triggering. So you have to “lower the temperature” & stop triggering us in order to reestablish communication. While I think the advice in this vid is good in general, for many DAs it’ll come across as emotional dumping & neediness, which will just retrigger us & serve as a reminder of “why we couldn’t have nice things” in that LTR. Maybe if your DA is very mature & loves you & sufficient time passed so they’re able to process this email & engage with your emotions.. but then I’d say they’re no longer a DA. So maybe this email’s purpose is to gauge if they’ve changed to a secure attachment? 🤷🏼♀️ 😂
Very honest and insightful
Having emotions and expressing them is not dumping emotions on somebody.
@@entombed_kills agree but they will not see it that way. I had an ex sens me a letter when i was younger which i promptly ripped up and never read. I still don’t regret that, bc i feel like it was just manipulation and did not want them back after playing games with me. I still consider myself a dissmissive avoidant amd im telling you this lady is assuming the very best
When should I reach out? After 6 months or longer? (currently 3 months after the breakup and 2 months into NC)
He asked for space, I gave him space and I checked in on him once a week how he's doing and saw him 2 times to just casually talk and pick up my stuff from him (we were about to move together).
He blocked me and cut off the contact out of love to me on Whatsapp.
He unfollowed me everywhere he could but didn't block me anywhere else, after I expressed my emotions over the breakup after one month, because I couldn't understand how he can be so happy and how it's so easy for him to just move on.
Should I call him? Should I wait until he unblocks me? (he told a friend of ours that he want's to keep me blocked for a temporary time and hopes that we could be friends again) Should I write a letter to him? Should I wait until he reaches out (I don't think he will because he feels guilty and wants me to be happy) Should I go to his place (which is only 3 minutes away) and talk to him in person?
We weren't toxic at all, our relationship was almost perfect, we were always a team, everything was real from his and my side but his fear of not being himself and comparing me to his narc ex, who left him for someone else 3 years ago (still not over her and still in contact, because he's her dog if she needs something) made him do this decision.
Our breakup was face to face and we both cried a lot, it was a very hard breakup for both of us and we parted in a neutral way.
@@MsEqualizaI would say that you should stay in No Contact until he directly and explicitly communicates with you via text, phone, or in person. Even if NC goes many months. All his actions are saying: "You aren't giving me the (emotional) space I need". So, *any* contact by you will go against this. Use NC to process all your feelings of loss and grief. What you had with him is gone. If you ever get back together with him again, it will be a new-born relationship, not a continuation of the past.
You may be thinking "I can't stay in No Contact for 4, 6, or 8 months" or "How can I put my life on hold for that long?". I'd say don't put your life on hold. Don't wait for him to come back. Work on yourself, work on your friendships and community engagement, and -- when you are emotionally open again -- start casual dating. If he contacts you sometime later, then deal with that when it happens. Don't try to make it happen.
Hope this helps.
i owe you my alot more than my thanks for the template. and allowing me to discover and SEE my own faults and how bad i actually treated my love i have alot of work to do on myself as well. i was just unsure ass to how to reach out..just.. THANK you i don't know how to thank you but THANK YOU.
You’re so welcome! I’m glad that you found this video instructive and helpful.
Update...messed up and pushed her away again by getting jealous she was hanging out with another guy, ...I let my emotions get the best of me. 🤦♂️
@@storrmarie5585 im.busy now but I shall. Shes moved on though unfortunately
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
Wow. That landed. Thank you.
You’re welcome. 😊 glad you found it helpful.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
My part? You mean just trying to get her to say Hi, I’m fine? Or just trying to get her to answer a simple question? Nah, I know I’m not the crazy one here. She would go a whole week without any communication and when there was communication it was initiated by me.
Yea man... had a great date with my DA ex, kept it platonic, made her laugh, no pressure amazing day.....11 days later....nothing still. Day 12 I texted "Hey I went to that store we talked about like 2 weeks ago, (gave a short review), miss you and hope all is well".... that was 5 days ago today and I'm not gonna double text just in case my little "miss you" triggered her. F these eggshells i have to walk on honestly. But I love her so much, sigh.... my birthday is in 6 days meaning, it'll be ANOTHER 11 days of nothing and if she forgets my birthday? Oh I'm done for good. Deleting her number, 3 years down the drain and I will NOT look back. I can see she's miserable after our split every time we see each other like once a month if that. But her feelings vs her fears are too deep and she KNOWS I still love her, but she's so goddamn scared to just come back. It's insane!
@@gokuwufei99 omg i got in trouble for double texting once so i didnt do it again, then he tells me 'why didnt you message me again if u wanted to hang out?' ummm cos u told me not to! cant win with them!!!
@PennyisBananas oh boy do I have a long reply!! She DID message me on my birthday and we had lunch and she even got me a gift. Great conversation, delicious food, good time Yada Yada. It's still 8 or 15 days between hearing from her BUT LISTEN!!! I met the most incredible also AP queen of my dreams about a month ago and idgaf about my ex anymore!! I want to encourage everyone to move on, just from my experience. I met this girl out of nowhere, she is SO gorgeous, we share the same love in music, anime, video games, religion, parenting, YOU NAME IT, and talk daily and it never gets old. Whereas my DA ex is dry, short, may leave me on read, f all that. Please everyone, don't be like me chasing an avoidant for a year, she's cool and beautiful and I wish her the best as we're still friends, but I rarely think of her now like I used to obsess and it's genuinely FREEING! The new love in my life is so much more of a match, she even studied attachment theory and had a knack for being AP loving DA's just like me. I cannot WAIT to see her again this weekend and go to another concert, sing, dance, and be silly (which my DA ex would NEVER do and be resting b face during something exciting 🤣). Please everyone, don't waste your time, keep looking, the next one could be the one. Let the avoidant be alone with their cat, life is too full of possibilities for eggshells and nonsense! Heal and keep looking for a better match my friends! NO CONTACT on a DA really gave me perspective, any of us could die tomorrow tbh, they didn't think of you in a 8 to 15 or more days enough to say hi? Pfffft cmon.
it does work because this is exactly how he eventually will respond to me if i approach in this manner, but the cycle will ALWAYS repeat. And i also get sick of apologising and taking responsibilty, they should too!
Their greatest relational weakness and a MASSIVE sign that you simply cannot move forward with them unless they work extensively on their conflict management skills. Which they won’t. They want easy, it’s what works for them in concept (as they have no other modelling and think relationships should just “flow”) and in practice (as they’re deeply uncommitted to growth).
I got ghosted after over 2yrs..wouldnt respond for over 2weeks..finally responds to a mutual friend ..we are done ..she gave us up..theres no hope..she gave us many chances for it to work..if i listed the behaviour of my chinese DA..you would think i was nuts to stick around at all..i was the giver she was the taker..when i called her out on disrespect and lack of emotion.it was always me not her.
There soul suckers who drain you out..there best for casual hookups..they express little emotion about anything ..worship money..claim they want committed relationship. But market as single on there social media..give you small doses of warm behaviour .followed by withdrawal. Soon after..sex feels transactional...why should anyone kiss there ass to go back to that.
I did this today, and the response was somewhat satisfactory (she didn't lash out on me like she did after breakup, she listened to me and gave me hot and cold replies) she admitted her faults too. But i don't know how is she feeling now. I'm pretty anxious about it. I Don't know if I made any progress or not. And a part of me still feels like she's just done with me. 😞
Hey, did it end up working out for ya?
How did it turn out?
Update?
Excellent explaining . My dismissive avoidant won't talk to me. I like the letter idea.
Glad it was helpful!
Pass lol! You should've included examples, but I did something like this and it got no results. Cutting them off seems to do better.
Whoa 🤯 not so sure about that letter….ugh I have thought about sending a letter though
I've found, now knowing about attachment styles, that an avoidant, will avoid even taking responsibility for words or actions that have upset someone. I've found myself to be the anxious avoidant. All I got was "they're your feelings" and "I don't regret saying bla bla bla".... Yet I've been punished and made an ex, by the avoidant over their feelings being ruptured and probably more I do not know and can't understand. Apart from they don't open up and expect you to understand and just move on. If it was that simple....😕
I think this is the rub. I can understand my avoidant, I can admit when I fuck up and cross their tolerance for intimacy and space, I can get that some of my behaviours will push them away, I can understand that despite my best efforts I am not always and may never be the safe space that they say they desire (if you’re emotionally available that can’t be true for them anyway!). BUT I simply can’t work with someone who won’t talk to you and work with you. That is actually my minimum standard now. It’s not a high bar but it’s the very thing that DA’s cannot do.
The best advise I could give is to stay friends with the DA and tell them you can’t see them as more than friends
Let the DA chase you. It will be good for your growth. Don't wait for it. Just get on with a good life for yourself.
This is just more advice on how to walk on eggshells, and contort yourself to fit with a DA's needs, standards and limitations. And in the end, the likelihood of the DA even remotely reciprocating or appreciating your efforts is slim to nonexistent, even if you do get back together. The cycle will just repeat itself until and unless the DA accepts their own part and works to learn better relationship skills and is actively making efforts to meet YOUR needs as well. The advice given here has you, once again, doing the lion's share of the work in the relationship.
Whats more, if writing is a strength and your best form of communicating, it is dumb to limit yourself. Sure, be respectful, tactful, kind. But say it YOUR way, not according to some youtuber's rules. Surely the DA has the wherewithal to know to read something in chunks if there is more text than their DA brains can handle in one go. Otherwise it is little more than the soft bigotry of low expectations.
Well said
It’s just incompatibility. When you dial down your emotional language to mirror the avoidant you slowly become an inauthentic shell in the relationship. That’s how I felt.
I would love to reach out. But she left me on read after I apologized for what I thought I did wrong. Literally beat myself up for weeks as to who the what it could have been. It’s almost been six months. Only noticed small changes from her side on social media.
Stopped even looking now. Looks like she went back or chased a guy she knows.
I do miss her. She pushed me to try new things.
Are you a mountain person or a beach person
Loyal to friend and family. Sounds like big coward to me ! Love is to be loyal too not convenient.
What about "no contact".. isn't this contact? She reached out to me after 3 weeks to get something of hers back that I still have (sending it out today). However, it was a cold and distant message. We've had some texts since then (a week ago) and agreed to remain friends. Not sure where to take it from here and don't know if I would get back together at this point...Not without some changes anyway. Any suggestions?
So how long can the letter be? A few sentences apologising and acknowledging there was good things about the relationship? Its been 1 year NC after being dumped for analysing her
It’s intimidating to see your own attachment flaws in someone you admire so much….We are both DA ….how to restart contact? …I started no contact over a month ago after we kept going hot and cold everyday and we were becoming slightly flaky
Update !!
Very helpful thk u
So glad!
Dont ever reach out first and kiss your leavers arse..with complimenting letter on there half ass treament of you in the relationship..you gave everything they gave the minimal..but took everything they could get from you...if you reach out first your risking hearing what you dont want to hear.
Let her go off and screw other guys..you dont need to know and should not care anyway..the new guy wont be getting a better relationship from her than you got..trust me..she will repeat everything over again..DAs are best short term or hook ups only.
To much growth and maturity needed in the relationship they back away and sabotage the whole thing for the preservation of the holy independence..they want the benefits of connection..but not the responsibility or accountability of a true partner...
He said I kept blowing up his phone and I kept messaging should I apologize for that?
Can this advice apply to an FA as well? I'm thinking of writing a letter to her.
Yes. You just want to make sure it makes sense based on your unique situation.
I reached out to my DA ex bf after 36 days of nc I send him this
"I apologize for all the disrespectful words and things I ever said to you .
I was very toxic and pushy I pushed you to do things you're not comfortable with.
I forced myself on you .
This is not love , this is sickness
I gave you anxiety and stress instead of peace ,comfort and love .
You were so kind , gentle, caring and loving boyfriend.
I wish you all the peace and love in your life and I hope you will find the woman who can appreciate you.
And thank you for all the memories. "
And he answered me an hour later (which was very good)
"Don't blame yourself it's ok I. Apoligise for everything too thanks for good memories"
I don't know what to do next 😞
I want him back
Any progress since then?
Move on, people and get a life. It’s called a break up because it’s broken
@@evaollie9208 if it's easy for you it's not for me ok! I don't have magic switch button
@@darkmoon1951 you better dig hard to find the switch because you are gonna get burned guaranteed…I promise you it’s gonna get worse and eventually you will be left more broken than you are now…unless you think so highly of yourself that you can fix issues with your “love “ that have been there from infancy. Never gonna happen, honey. So you need to work hard on that switch and loving yourself enough to walk away from someone that will never love you the way you need ….I’ll even make an official bet on it lol
@@evaollie9208 thank you
I wrote a letter. Admitting where I came short and accountability. And what I missed from her perspective. I also put some emotions as well.
@Talhahashmi2533 how did this play out for you?
@@sewwyyy0929 i had the same idea...did that really work?
How long after a break up would you want to wait before sending this???
If my ex never comes back. I'm hoping me and you work out 😅😅🤪
Had me till the letter
Lol right! I was just trying to send a text
I fear rejection or no response . I wud move. I am not returning to work. I wud put in investment cuz I love you and I actually see things you talked about. Sorry
My DA partner dumped me via txt on Monday. I had done nothing wrong except love him unconditionally. He said i had problems. But he had caused them! The relationship was all on his terms. Never answered a txt. Or read it and not replied. Id go a wk not hearing from him. Said my anxiety was my problem, even though it was caused by him. Im a secure attached person but my anxiety went through the roof. I sent a nice response back to him. Hes read it but not replied 😔 feel like I ment nothing to him. We were due to get married in September 😢
does this apply to either gender? or is this more about an ex girlfriend reaching out to their avoidant ex boyfriend?
Thanks for the question. Yes, this advice is gender neutral.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Whatzapp him now......
I have to reach out I’m pregnant with his child he left and won’t reach out or text me unless I reach out first
NEVER HAVE BABIES WITH DA they only care about themselves
It’s a hard situation sister. ❤ I’m sorry to hear this. The best way to reopen communication to DA is to gently lower the “temperature” meaning don’t be too emotional. Try to send “safe” texts like jokes or memes or whatever y’all vibed about besides the relationship/ bedroom.
I know u gotta talk about the baby eventually, but what can he really do for you right now? Honestly, I say this as a former DA myself, giving him some space is the best way to get him back. Good luck & God bless ❤
Coach Lee does a video on how to have contact if you are pregnant. It's really basic bare bones contact and only surrounds topics of the baby's important appointments and key moments. Other than that you don't contact them.
You are so wrong for teaching people to compromise with a person who deliberately hurt others all because they can’t handle their own brokenness. That’s not fair to the rest of us who had nothing to do with their hardship as a child . I will NOT chase nor compromise with anyone who’s hell bent on hurting me for no good reason. 🙄
Thanks for stopping by. I never said anything about "compromising with people who deliberately hurt you". This video is about taking responsibility "if it's warranted". There are situations when it's not. I explicitly say in my video don't apologize if you did nothing wrong or have nothing to be sorry for.
@@KatyaMorozova 👍🏽
DAs are not trying to hurt anyone.
@@casket8530 Though in my experience having dated two, they seem to be a bit too self-focused to know how to try NOT to hurt anyone.
My ex DA has me blocked for over a month, I’ve written letters she sends them back. She hates me. Haven’t spoken to her since the break up. How do you talk to someone who won’t talk. It’s a bit immature. As well as emotional abuse. How would they react if the tables were turned.
How do I approach her and when? We never used any social media. I can’t call or text or email. I never had an opportunity to apologize or account for anything. She never allowed me to
Going through the same
In one word mate….DON’T!
I’m 52 & going through the same thing. They are emotionally immature, childish, spiteful & completely lacking in empathy, so there is no possible way to “make” them understand because they don’t want to. They have most likely salted the earth, gaslighted you & run you down to everyone they know, so even if they do have a moment of reflection it’s now impossible for them to try to do the adult thing & work through issues with you as they have now cannot do that & “save-face”. It hurts mate, I know, but you will eventually be able to get over their crap, while they will always live with what they’ve done to you & the relationship & unfortunately, themselves & their decisions. Unless, of course, if you cheated on them or worse. But if you didn’t, then hold your kind, caring, nurturing head high my man!
She doesn’t hate you I promise. She’s overwhelmed, burnt out and she deactivated her feelings for you. And fled to safety. They have a low tolerance for emotional situations and disharmony so they release the pressure by running. It has nothing to do with their actual feelings for you.
My D.A partner said he doesn't want to commit into a relationship ever after dating for 4 months. So, I set my boundaries and broke it off with no contact ( currently 1 week ). Should I reach out to him ever again or wait till he makes a decision (if any) ?
My DA partner told me she couldnt commit to me after 3 months of dating. She reached out to me after 3 weeks wanting to talk about everything. Basically she just told me she cant commit, but wants to stay friends ( and also have the benefits). So basically, no commitment but still having the sex. We hooked up that day, and I realised I cant continue. After all I knew, she needs to get therapy before she can commit to a serious relationship. You should be aware about your needs. If you still want a relationship with that person, you should move on, because they will most likely just long for you for a short amount of time until they realise they are not able to further commit. It is gonna hurt, knowing they will keep being distant. They will not change that fast. You broke it off, so it kinda is in your hands, but I personally wouldnt bother, no matter how much you miss that person.
Same here, I'm so confused. Please share what did you do with him
@@mennaayman7804 I cut him off permanently ! It was never meant to work.
I had the same situation. My DA and I dated for 4 months, he said he didn’t want to commit until he could change his ways. I recommended therapy but he still hasn’t reached out. I know I said “we should probably let each other go” but I still want him to apologize and give me closure.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together
Mine ended us because i because i spoke to her about the intimacy she was lacking to give emotionally and physically she called me a narsasist and an abuser for telling her she was selfish and everything is about her they do love to shut coversation down its so imature but im kinda just realising what was going on for her as it was all new to me been a month she has me blocked but not on the fone so I don't actually know what I would ve apologising for anyone see her point as it seams I was having a normal discussion with her
Your needs weren’t being met. Regardless of how she took how you said it that’s an issue that will continue. I just ended my relationship for the same reason
You triggered the core wound. It’s as simple as that. Even using the softest language typically still activates them.
What if I did all of those things when we were breaking up? Is it necessary to do it again? I love her but I’m not going to beg
No, friend please don’t send this email. I’m a former DA myself. I promise you this email will come across as needy to the DA & will be triggering. When I’d get stuff like this I wouldn’t even open it. I’d read the preview in notifications & if it looked emotional, I’d delete it. I’m sorry that’s bad but it’s true.
If you want to reconnect with your DA, the best ways are to send totally “safe” non-emotional texts like memes, jokes, work questions, restaurant recommendation, etc. I promise you, this works to reopen communication, just don’t be too frequent with it.
Your DA probably left bc the relationship felt too triggering, bc we have past trauma that makes us afraid. Think of the emotional stuff as heat that’s burning them. So the way to gently coax them back is to lower the temperature so they feel safe. Good luck ❤
@@scarletsletter4466 I appreciate the feedback! Question…would you be open to a 1-on-1? I’m really intrigued to understand DAs
@@scarletsletter4466 What if i texted her already to reopen the communication with a non emotional text but i felt her cold and distant? It was 3 weeks after she dumped me (blindside) and now i'm at week 7 post BU. Stopped all contact with her after those texts, even her IG stories after that.
@@scarletsletter4466yup I can see this 💯
Dial down the emotional temperature big time.
Like a thousand percent.
That’s the inherent problem for anxious attachers, or let’s just diplomatically say people with a higher emotional bandwidth, we struggle to meet them where they need to be when WE’RE triggered.
Have self compassion, don’t beat yourself up for being an emotional person and, if you want any kind of relationship with the DA moving forward, respect their differences.
But honour your needs! They have a sneaky way of projecting onto you such as they adopt the victim mode.
She's blocked me on everything. I don't have her new address...I do know where she works. Do I go see her in person since this is the only way to contact her?
You’re 🤩
You're 🥤
I tried this and did not have a good outcome.
Thanks for sharing. Curious to hear what didn’t work for you?
@@KatyaMorozova He wasn't receptive and immediately responded and shut me down. I think it's great advice and was hoping for a different outcome. I think he is just way too closed off. He was open and super vulnerable with me the day before which makes it even more confusing
My ex was like that it's been 2 weeks since we spoke, he was super sweet for a few days then told me he knows I'm sad and missing him but messaging makes him feel horrible and to stop, I'm so in love with him and he said he can't be friends with me it hurts him too much, so now I'm just stuck here loving someone and he's not contacting me and I'm too scared to contact him even tho my whole body is telling me to still try, how did everything turn out?
@@itsbritneybitch69 heed this advice: They are not worth the effort. They're not even putting in effort to be the person you need them to be. Leave them alone, because ultimately, being alone is what they claim to want and if you really love them you'd respect that.
No thanks. If the DA isn’t interested in working on themselves get out. They might not be ill intended like narcissists but they sure have a similar sting.
Confusing, I don't know if she is one.... She says I sounded like I am 'running away' in text. Then when I try to message more, she says I am pressuring her to text more.
So what exactly is she? Or is she gaslighting me?
I guess I messed up too. I texted a whole chunk because it felt like it could be the final time I will send a message. Since she didn't even read the previous one, haha.
@@FuzzyAason
That's my issue. I tried to send in small chunks to not overwhelm her, but she was anyway. Said her part for her ego, and gave a bs reason to block me. Its only bc theyre overwhelmed. I sent my part anyway, while fresh in my mind, even though she wont get it. Then in group chats I was civil, she unblocked me, but didn't say anything. Im tempted to just say everything while I can, lol. But I'll just say I know why, and that it's immature.
@@dankline9162 Are you still in a relationship with her?
@@FuzzyAason
No. Lol. She broke up with me 2 1/2 years ago, bc of a conflict caused by miscommunication. She was unwilling to work it out, moved on quickly, and jumped into rebounds. Ive just been working on myself so that I dont repeat this pain ever again. I'm trying to justify it by telling myself that if they left at the first real conflict and couldn't deal, it was inevitable, and better to know that sooner than later. I cant MAKE anyone learn anything. It will be hard to find anyone I find so attractive and have such a connection with, so I held a lot of hope I could attract her back enough to want to try, but she has committed with her previous friend. I can't be friends with her either. I just want mutual respect and understanding.
@@dankline9162 I can completely relate to you. And your comments about the inevitability also rings a bell with me... I am having better days now but still have days where I get really down...
Do you feel almost totally "cured" now?
Never reach out for goodness sake. It’ll just turn into a vicious cycle and ultimately you’ll never receive the love, attention and emotional connection that you need. It’s a slow boil to mental implosion.
Agreed. It's like touching a hot stove over and over think I t the next time it won't hurt.
I can not see anything here that is modified communication for a DA! Wtf, send a letter?! This alone is too much emotion and will almost always overwhelm them! What is your advice if you were always the one taking responsability, but the DA never did, like in my case? I also don't have to apologize for anything, I was not even criticizing her for her bad behavior...but she heard criticism out of almost nothing!
This is no good advice, and this way you will not make it better with your avoidant ex. Sorry.
Very good video, I spent hours writing the letter, trying to take responsibility for putting pressure on him to commit and moving too fast. But I realise he was just as keen for me to move in as I was. We both were jumping the gun, getting into commitment mode before he had actioned his divorce. I wont send that letter. I think I dodged a bullet, actually. I can't trust a man who makes repeated promises about something so important as getting his divorce finalised, and then breaking each problem. This is a character trait which is not desirable in a partner.
They tend to break promises a lot... All talk no action.
Are you a mountain person or a beach person?