Anxious Avoidant Breakup | What Your Fearful Avoidant Ex Is Feeling
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- Опубликовано: 23 июл 2024
- Anxious Avoidant Breakup | The anxious avoidant no contact struggle! Anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment style relationships can be volatile. If you think you’re in the anxious avoidant trap and you have a hot and cold ex who makes you wonder “what is my ex thinking during no contact” or “what is my ex doing” then this video is for you. We’ll delve into what your fearful avoidant ex is thinking so that you can understand the anxious avoidant dance.
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-------------------------------------------Contents of this video-------------------------------------------
00:00 - Intro
01:22 - Understanding breakup psychology
02:25 - Confusion wants clarity
03:19 - 3 Phases your FA ex goes through
03:28 - Phase 1 - Freedom
04:47 - Phase 2 - The Alternative Perspective
05:54 - Phase 3 - Reconciliation
07:40 - Why they might NOT reach out to you
08:30 - What’s in your best interest?
09:15 - If they reach out what will you do?
09:55 - What was most helpful for you to hear in this video?
10:35 - Where the real peace of mind lies
• Anxious Avoidant Break...
| Free Guide | 5 Steps To Heal & Find Your Center After A Breakup >> katyamorozova.lpages.co/5-steps-to-heal-and-find-yourself-after-a-breakup/
So very true, I was so confused about the sudden end out of the blue! I know for a fact that I was very good to my ex gf... treated her with total respect, and always there for her. I would do anything for her. Love your videos, thank you!
I have my own theory on anxious/avoidant relationships as someone who's always been securely attached, And meeting an avoidant, I feel that it's the avoidant's behaviour that makes a person anxious. (I know ow this is obvious) but I think a lot of people get tarnished with the anxious brush or is automatically presumed to be anxious because they end up in a relationships with an avoidant. When in reality, the avoidant behaviour is not healthy, and the other partner has a right to have strain expectations in a relationship. If someone is voicing their needs clearly and expressing there's a relationship unbalance and the avoidant refuses to acknowledge their hurt or address the issues then they're not ready to do the work. However is should be emphasised that some never will be ready and no amount of understanding the avoidant, their childhood, they're freeze or flight response, their distance you'll never be able to have a normal relationship with emotional intimacy and closeness. This is not who they are and never will be. If you want a deep meaningful relationship you need to look at the reality if the situation now, not how things could be, not if or when etc.. this is how they are. I am not with an avoidant anymore, I left after explaining that I understand him and his ways but we can not maintain a relationship the way things are. I wasn't asking him to change but I did explain that a noel relationship at this point was unavailable for us the way things are and I was choosing to leave x
@Yusuf Shuaibu I don't want him back, thanks,
It's partly true, in my experience it was what the anxious did that lead me as an avoidant toact more defensive. Example: my anxious get to another man's place to test me which triggered inside me my fears and automatically I became more silent...
You have to check everything to understand what happened to become avoidant
true words, I was a securely attached person, first 10 months, I had no idea she was FA, we were intensly connected, laughed, loved, we were both equally open and intimate with one another, it was perfect, for a time. then the last month or 2, relationship was going a step up, she told she was happy, andcthat she wanted to introduce me to her daughter. she overwhelmed herself, because 2 days later she started going hot and cold, it lasted about 3 weeks before she told me that she loved me, but she wasn't in the right headspace for the pressures of a relationship. And that was that, those last few weeks turned into an anxious pre occupied 100%..
My anxious partner told me her ex fuck buddy made her feel primal and then she made a post thirsting after him publicly, months later the apologies and regrets and tears just doesn't fix it so I broke up with her and I'm fearful avoidant btw
Obviously don't paint everyone under the same brush, it's genuinely dehumanizing, we all get hurt
It's been 7 months since you wrote this, but your comment has helped me greatly. My situation is basically the same except she left me without warning. I was so confused and extremely hurt, but from watching these videos and reading comments I am starting to heal. So thank you!
1. Freedom
2. Starting to see reality and ur point of view
3. Bid for connection
thanks
"Have you broke up a lot in the relationship?"
Who hasn't with a fearful avoidant...
Its a gain to loose someone who doesn't see your worth.
Agree with all of these points, as a fearful avoidant myself I definitely went through all of these, One thing I would say however, as I was willing to do the work and invest in therapy and myself in my mind and my mental health. I reached back out to my ex to reconnect from a place of hot and cold impulse, but from a place of true understanding and love for him and gave him the space and the ability to walk away if it wasn’t in line with what he wanted. It wasn’t. But I still love him and wish him the best in life
I love this
Respect to you.
I wish other FA’s had your willingness to grow and have accountability. Good for you ❤
My FA ex is also seeing a therapist. I dont feel like she will be reaching out to me though. Even though the breakup was difficult specially for her in the begining of the process (high emotions and beggin from me) that triggered her. Overall we are in good terms. I am now doing no contact to heal but also to let her heal. I do hope she is able to self reflect enough. I am thinking of contacting her in a couple months. How long did it take you to reach out?
@@13thbornpr I reached out after a few months, I wanted to skip over big holidays (christmas, new year's, birthday) in order to force myself through the experience of not "reaching out" just because I was lonely or anything. I reached out about 4/5 months later on the eve of his mother's passing anniversary from a place of authentic and sincere "wishing you and your family the best on this tough day" and the response I got was good. He appreciated the space and the gesture. It felt good to do something from my heart instead of from a place of anxiety. I hope that makes sense
I was deeply committed to an FA. Didn't even know about attachment theory until we went to therapy together. I've definitely learned a lot in the past 4 weeks. I'm securely attached but definitely shifted to a bit towards anxious after being weathered down by the waves she was capable of causing. It was probably the most frustrating experience I've been through. She seemed reluctant to communicate, but I think now more in reality she was simply unable to. I've never been made to feel like I wasn't good enough, but I'll recover.
The strangest thing that didn't hit me until much later was after she had dropped a nuclear bomb on the relationship and attempted to reconcile just a couple days later. I listened to what she had to say. In the back of my mind my inner voice was just repeating "Come on, say it. Say it. Say it." But she never did. In the 8 months we knew each other, I can only distinctly remember a single apology. I declined her wish to reconcile. My trust and confidence was already weathered down paper-thin from previous explosions at that point. This time it didn't even sting. I felt more sympathy than anything. I didn't patronize, but I am really worried about her. I know deep down she's a genuinely good person who deserves to be loved. I love her, and we have shared a lot of great memories together in our short time. My heart breaks for her unlucky dice roll being raised by some truly sick people. She has spent her entire life trying to gain approval from people who are incapable of giving it to her, and will likely continue chasing that pipedream.
Thank you for sharing! Sounds like quite the rollercoaster. Kudos to you for having the strength and wisdom to start to move on.
That sounds exactly like my ex gf. You just put into words exactly how I feel. It's heartbreaking I pray everyday that God would wake her up because I know she loves me but she just spends half of her energy trying to convince herself that I was the problem in the relationship and the other half of her energy she spends dreaming up "logical" reasons to justify breaking up with me. When I listen to her name off all the things she claims that were wrong with me I realize that I'm dealing with someone that is disconnected with reality. I feel sorry for people like that. They will never be happy in a relationship unless they do some serious work on themselves.
@@Mike-wh7nf I got exactly the same treatment, i loved her a lot and deep down i still do but she picked on me for really small things or even things we had been through months before, everything was my fault. I never took it personally because I've had healthy relationships before and I could see she was being avoidant she finished the relationship and blocked me on everything. I was heart broken so many good memories for her to act like I don't exist anymore. It's borderline emotional abuse
@@markc2622 wow that was 11 months ago I wrote that. We are now going on 3 months being married. Hope it works out for you either with or without her brother.
@@Mike-wh7nf so did she wake up to her behaviour in the end?
I’m an Anxious Preoccupied and my ex was I’m sure an FA. Initially I really wanted to reconnect with him given some time but after watching countless videos and read up on FA’s, it seems that most tend to not want to put in the work. My ex strongly believed he was right when he chose to end things, I unfortunately fed his ego and absorbed all the blame. I went immediately into full on self-reflection/self-growth mode and have made good progress since. Needless to say, as he believed he was right and never once apologized for all the things he put me through, I know he will be no different than before and might be worse off and so I don’t wish to get back to him again.
WOW. THIS SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE ME AND MY SITUATION, I FEEL LIKE I WRITE THIS 🤯
You’re respecting your value and your feelings by doing this. Well done 👏
Same here. I absorbed all the blame
I actually broke up we were both toxic . focused on myself , got my nclex-rn degree back been working as a nurse / security . Getting my brand new car and investing in myself with therapy / coaches / reading 📚 books and working out
That’s awesome Andrew! Honoring you and all of your hard work.
👏👏👏👏
Hyperfocusing on work in order to avoid feeling your feelings lol healthy. As fearful avoidant as it gets lol
Sometimes watching this more than once with an occasional break is helpful in digesting all the valuable information contained in this video 👌😊
The dividing into 3 stages, and the last part suggestion of making a plan - these were most helpful. Thanks! I am securely attached but swung anxious during the last 4 years. I find the structure of the 3 parts helps me acknowledge these things happening in my ex and name them, which helps me feel empowered in the moments of communication (he still calls most days), as well as let go of any outcome. We were engaged 3 separate times.
This is really good! Amazing! In my case I'm doing everything I can to improve myself and control my anxiety, but I'm willing to accept my fearful avoidant ex as she is because I trust her core! I'm not just accepting anything though, I'm just beginning to learn how to see things that go underneath the attachment style for me and for her! I still believe in love!
I can't express how helpful this information is for me! Thank you!!!
You’re very welcome. 🙂
You are amazing at this. As someone who broke up with a fearful avoidant friend, this is great advice - esp the part on temporary assurance etc.
Hey what if the anxious attached broke up with fa because of extremely hard push and pull dynamics after triggering the fa? One day my fa loved me, the next my fa was unsure if she would be happier without me.
The more i was pushing towards her, putting her on a pedestal and tried to make things workout and save the relationship (because i as an anxious was triggered too), the more she pulled away.
I only broke up because i literally couldnt stand it anymore and i was sure our „dynamic“ wouldnt get normal again, just get worse.
No contact for almost 3 month.
2 month my fa ex was posting almost every day some shit and was numbing the feelings, no for about 3 weeks, no posts, didnt see them anymore anywhere.
So yeah i dumped her, but im really sure she wanted me to break up and provocated me to do it because she didnt have the courage to do it.
Expect my fa ex to reach out? Or do i have to reach out? She was the one who didnt appreciate the relationship anymore and threw it away.
So i think she has to reach out, at least indirectly, to show me there is interest in talking.
I wont ever reach out first without receiving signs from my ex that she wants me to reach out.
Otherwise i would be dumb as shit i just run into the knife.
So my question: what if the anxious dumped the fa? Waiting for the fa to indirectly give signs understandable?
Best advice
1 have a strategy for if they reach out
2 best to sort yourself out
Honestly u geniue anxious guys find urself a secure person that will embrace the Best in you..FA are not worth it. Please do yourself a favour. Relationships should be abt communication, understanding, netflix, travel, good sex not FA's hot-cold behawior and dramas they tend to create on purpose just to destroy everything u have build together.
They create things in their mind to diminish the relationship. That's so true. I am tired. Very tired lol Broken up with and just being talked to like I'm beneath her. It's sad
😂😂😂 I feel you on that one
I think they’re narcissists
I believe my ex FA really triggered the anxious in me when I found very descriptive sext messages to another guy 2 years into our relationship. I became more suspicious but also more clingy. She blamed it on me. 2 years, a marriage and 1 kid later I found more. Again, blamed it on me. Got more anxious, more clingy, more suspicious, and snooped around a lot to find more evidence. 3 years later with 2 kids now, she wants a divorce. We’re done and it’s sad. Blames everything on me. If I only had the strength to break up the first sext message then we wouldn’t have a broken family. I wish we tried couples counseling but she refused. Her mind was made up. These attachment styles are an eye opener. If only I knew about them sooner.
I am truly sorry for the pain you have endured and received. I hope you find peace.
Thank you for making this mostly about us vs. our ex-partners.. I truly appreciate it.
I'm glad that style resonates with you. Let me know if you have any video requests. : )
Thank you so much for your advice and for what you say at the end, which is true, knowing how my FA ex thinks reassures me for a moment but I should focus on myself and my well-being. 👍
You are so welcome!
Really great and oh so familiar. Well done!
Thanks Peggy!
Thanks so much 🙏 I don't really want them to reach out... because I agree that this would be detrimental. But just to get inside the psychology of it all was so reassuring. I broke up with him because he was so lukewarm and cold... and then cold... never experienced that before till I stumbled upon the anxious/avoidant attachment style. This info has given me peace... but I still feel really sad for anxious/avoidant ppl. I also take my hat off to anyone that can withstand the rejection it takes to be with them. I think it could work if both parties were aware and willing to do the work to heal. I don't think I have what it takes though 🙏❤️
All i can say is that you're awesome! Thank you for helping me understand more!!!!.
Aw well thanks!
Fearful avoidants tend to lean more one way or the other. My husband and I are both fearful avoidants and I lean more anxious while he leans more avoidant. So it’s this push and pull dynamic that we have where after an argument he will avoid and I will be anxious and then once I reach my point of avoiding he becomes anxious.
It's been 5 weeks since the devil FA ex broke up with me out of the blue. He cheated on me then dumped me when I spoke dumped me via text that is. After he was so rude, so cruel, said hurtful things, etc etc. I'm still recovering I'm much better than I was before. At first I always thought I wanted him back, now no I don't want him back thank you and I no longer need answers from them.
My ex boyfriend was very FA, and I was anxious. He broke up with me out of nowhere a couple weeks ago on what seemed like impulse. It was peaceful, really painful but there was no betrayal or resentment. He just said he wasn’t ready for a relationship even though we’d been together for 11 months. I’m going to therapy and really working on my attachment style, I just really hope one day he will reach out and talk things over. I don’t want to smother him again by texting first :(
This was the same for me, the breakup happened 3 weeks ago now and just like yours it was peaceful and there was no big reason for it. She has not reached out since and Im wondering if I will ever hear from her again... I really loved her so much and im back and fourth about reaching out, but maybe 3 weeks is too soon.
My man broke up with me out of blue, we had an amazing relationship for 4 month. However he wouldn’t talk about “relationship” itself, he wouldn’t call me his “girlfriend” yet he would act like my husband and very welcoming. I am just confused by his actions. Till the very moment he was so loving and caring until he called me and said he is not ready for relationship. What lead me to complete confusion. I than learned about FA. Now, it make sense why he had little things of his exs around the house. He won’t throw anything away. Even their shampoos? It make sense why he is saying why he shouldn’t be getting married 2nd time, he knew it was wrong yet he had all of their posts on FB? WTF? That’s is just wrong...
update?
I’m fa and tried to break things off with my da guy but I regret it and said I didn’t mean it . He then said he was tired of me going back and forth so he broke it off with me. Sad thing is I was sad in the first week but now I’m over it so if he came back I wouldn’t want to be with him.
Hi. I'm going through this situation now. Did your partner came back ??
Sometimes there isn't a right or wrong person. I am an FA, and, thankfully looks like I have either worked through or don't have some of the traits mentioned. Whew!
Katya, I think I love you
Hey Katya, can you make a video regarding fearful avoidants and entering rebound relationships? Specifically with partners who have deactivated towards their anxious avoidant ex and have quickly entered a rebound with a partner that offers high validation and reflects their ego/superficiality with high limerance (emboldened by their deactivation/cold mode)
Thanks!
Thanks for the question! I'm not sure I quite understand the question. Do you want to know why the FA decides to rebound? If you could clarify that would be lovely.
As well, if you're more comfortable providing more details via email instead of youtube you can submit the question to katya@katyamorozova.me
Thankyou for this video
You're welcome! Thanks for watching!
I think your emphasis of the dynamic character of human beings is of the greatest importance, since some might be tempted to harbour inordinately simplified expectations as a result of the apparent compartmentalisation of human types implied by the attachment style categories, which must, at least to a degree, exist on a continuum and be in flux, owing to the uniqueness and particularity of individual experience. Your metaphor, « The map is not the terrain », is likewise very helpful and succinctly reinforces this. I find your channel very interesting. I had been unaware of the existence of attachment styles until I began to seek understanding in the wake of a largely incomprehensible break up, hence my gratitude for your opening up these avenues of enquiry. A small number of other online coaches provide comparably useful insights; few are as lucid.
Wow, that hanging plant holder is exactly what my mom used to make in the 70s.
Oh fun! I bet hers were pretty cool. I got mine off of Amazon. 😏
I was thinking the same thing, except I had a white one in my room in the 70's. Man, they were everywhere and so were the macrame owls perched on a stick!
“Years”
Me: heart stops
yeah, had a feeling that one might burst some bubbles.
@@KatyaMorozova I didn’t give up and I respectfully tried to do what I could but it’s time to work on me. 🙇🏻♂️
@@vtchevalier Yess! That's the best thing that you can do for yourself!
Lol 😂
I think we are two FAs but I leaned towards anxious with him as a partner and we have had an on and off again relationship for almost 3 years. I was left confused and feeling like he never had true feelings for me but believed he loved me at some point . When he broke up with me, he was cold and emotional (angry) towards me and said he doesn't see himself with me anymore so I made the call to breakup - I can't be/stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me. But I feel like he is confused and was impulsive and I believe he will come back but I really don't know if I can take it again. Can you do a video on strategy if they come back to protect my healing process?
You always hit the nail on the head ......but you never speak about kids in the relationship....my wife is a fearful avoidant an am the other...How do you deal with safe avoidance an still making time to be in your kids lives
Very helpful. Relationship w an FA i have been on and off w for 1 and half years.
Thanks for sharing! Glad you found it helpful.
Same here only she is FA and we are broke up now after a year and a half. She told me “you deserve better” and “I don’t feel worthy of love” she has a lot of past relationship trauma and childhood trauma. She said she needs to work on herself and love herself first and then maybe if it’s meant to be? She wanted to stay in touch as friends. I said I can’t that would be too hard for me clinging to hope we could get back together. I said goodbye and gave her a hug and a kiss on her forehead. Sucks but I think I’m just gonna move on. She use to tell me how much she loved me... I don’t get it?
How has your situation been since?
In the section "Why they might NOT reach out to you" around the 7:40 mark, does the unforgivable action/lying/cheating apply if the FA was the one who committed that, or if it was the non-FA partner who did that but the FA was on the receiving end of it? In my case (me, the non-FA) this was the first time we have separated - not sure if that's important.
Best video thank you . He has been coming back for years then leaves when things are going perfect / I feel broken
4 yrs for me! I feel I am addicted to this abuse! Oh if we all could meet and tell our stories in depth! I'm sure they would be a lot alike! How are you doing now! I've heard things like off again on again could last 20yrs! Scary!
#1 They acted cold and distant. Probably deactivating.
#2 I voiced I was upset with this behavior so they blocked me.
#3 Two weeks later of no contact I find out they deleted their social media.
#4 A little over a month and they've started seeing someone new 😟 It feels like starting all over again with the heartbreak
#5 ?
New relationship is likely a rebound. How are things going now?
Gotta say it seems like making videos for anxiously-attached people about what their exes are [better: may be] feeling seems to reinforce the tendency to anxious attachment.
Think about what’s best for you first. Thank you. Also if you can stick to no contact to heal yourself you won’t want to put yourself through this again.💕
You're welcome! And totally agree!
It’s been 6 weeks since I’ve been broken up from fearful avoidant I did no contact and reached out 3 times but they’ve taken it all wrong I feel and told me to never message them again. I’ve only just found out that she is a FA. We was together for 2 years and was loving. She’s totally changed when she left me and ignored me and may feel I’ve moved in but I can’t message her no more. My accountability letter did nothing. Just a text saying stop contacting me. She’s only just unfollowed me on all socials. Is that over
That must be really tough. It seems like her messages are pretty clear. I would honor what she's asking you to do. I know it's probably really painful... and sometimes people don't want to stay in communication and we must respect their wishes.
I apologize in advance, as this comment with be extremely triggering for any FA’s out there…but this attachment style is toxic AF, and should stay away from romantic partners until they finally take a good look at themselves and realize they continue to hurt and break people over and over. A Fearful Avoidant can turn even a very secure person to anxious, with their toxic ambivalence. Unfortunately, in my age group (50+), the men in the dating pool are mostly FA and completely unaware. There is little hope at this point that I’ll ever find anyone capable and willing to have a healthy relationship, and I’ll likely spend the rest of my life alone. It’s not what I would choose for myself, and it breaks my heart.
I’m in the same boat. I give up. My FA was wonderful, attentive, put me on a pedestal and everything was great. About a month in I told him I like to smoke a cigarette with my coffee in the morning. Not proud of it but would never do it in front of anyone. Mind you this guy smokes pot daily. He acted like I’d lied and betrayed him. Dumped me 2wks later. I quit the day I told him but that wasn’t good enough. Such a small thing to walk away from someone. Hot and cold for a couple months until I told him it was confusing and had to stop communicating 🙄
Yeah, my ex anxious attachment partner keeps check-in my Instagram. I have to make it private. We split up over 3 days ago and I kept wanting her to come back. :(
Edit we back after 2 days as usual lol. Lockdown in Sydney where we live.
My FA ended our relationship with no warning after chasing me and love bombing me. At around the 12 month mark, ( after semi detaching days after I surrendered to the relationship he said was his last as we were going to be together forever). We are in our early 60s. He told me he didn’t love me about 6 weeks ago. I tried to go No Contact . Hard to do as I moved to a new State and have no friends here. Why is he contacting me - sometimes up to 4 times a day on the basis of trivial excuses. He manages to reinforce that he only has platonic feelings. So do I as he shattered my trust. I am hurting badly. Keep getting re-triggered. I feel so hurt & sad. The void is huge for me. Against my better judgment, I can’t resist speaking with him sometimes. Confused Anxious attachment person here ❤
Apols for unloading here…. You probs won’t find my message given your RUclips is from 2 yrs ago.
Love from Australia
Would appreciate if there is some videos about FA and when it’s not exactly a breakup but we are separated due to work. So the relationship status were not discussed. How do we handle this situation when he’s not exactly an ex but it feels like an ex kind of situation and how should we reach out to them?
This is accurate for my experience
Female FA here. Was broken up with by male A. P. I've moved through all of these 3 stages incredibly fast-my therapists say I'm very self-aware. Is this a good sign? I openly admit the breakup was my fault due to self-sabotage and fear of intimacy. I regret everything.
How are you processing the break up now?
@@titos6799 I've learned a lot. ATM I seem to be going backwards and that's scary. Continuing to work on myself. I don't wanna get too specific cause of stigma people say unhelpful cliche stuff. But I've discovered he is in fact FA too, I didn't see it cause I didn't know about the 2 FA polarizing phenomenon. Anyway. Highly confusing.
Have you told HIM that it was your fault? Maybe if a FA ever admitted fault for THEIR own actions they wouldn't be lonely and alone.
@PB-md3nt Yes. I sent him apology roses & bear. Turns out he was FA too with an AP lean. & I don't take offense to your comment cause absolutely, we can be very difficult. I'm in therapy. Best wishes to you.
What should i think if they broke up with me, but won't return my clothes, and freak out if I say goodbye, or stop being friends on FB. They don't reach out to me, but want to keep this connection. They said " Quite a confrontational message you left earlier implying that we are never going to see each other ever again for the rest of our lives if you insist upon me mailing you your stuff. Gee, I wonder why it didn't make me want to reply immediately which you always demand.
Do you realize how much it hurt to read that or don't you care?" Anytime I acknowledge their breaking up with me and say "ok, goodbye", this type of thing happens.
Well, first I think it's very disrespectful that they're not giving you your things back. It seems like they're holding a part of you hostage in a way and sounds like they're in denial about the breakup and their actions. If I were you I wouldn't expect that you'll ever get your things back. I don't know if it's worth it emotionally for you to keep re-opening that conversation.
I wish I saw this before accepting reconciliation from my ex a month ago after no contacting her for three weeks. It’s just been an emotional nightmare for me between finally getting real apologies for gaslighting and cheating on me but then to very vague expressions of her feelings these days and still talking to the guy she cheated on me with. And having sex with me and him 2 weeks apart. I shouldn’t have over her back in. I was feeling like there was life after her and now in catching myself stuck in these patterns I was beginning rid myself from her. We have two kids together she’s its difficult enough over that, but I feel like she’s having her cake and eating it too. At my expense. So I’m taking steps back from her again, and I feel her trying to suck me back in with gestures and whatnot. I’m developing a strategy for myself to better handle all of this because it’s too much rn
Feel for you!
Is there any point in ever explaining your FA ex why they do what they do? Or will they simply react defensively and reject it.
Well, I would always perspective first. If someone explained to you “why you do what you do” what would your reaction be?
People have to walk their journey in their own time... and you can’t make them see things faster. The only thing you CAN do is share your experience and how they impact you.
My FA and I broke up a week ago after 3.5 years of being together. It was a very mutual decision. I’m an anxious-attachment type and we were both very self aware so we saw the issues. My anxiety made her depression worse and vice versa. We both want to stay friends but don’t know how. We continued to talk for the first day but both decided to go two weeks with no contact and then move on to one small conversation per week. Any tips for surviving the no contact stage because I have a feeling two weeks won’t be enough for us but I miss my friend so much.
very similar to my situation, but we were together 4.5 years. i've been in no contact for eight months; i've given up. try to stay busy. work on yourself. don't break no contact - FOR ANY REASON! let her come to you. best of luck.
It definitely would not be in my best interest for my ex FA to reach out to me. He monkey branched his new love in before breaking up with me. He offered me "friendship". I said " NO". I am moving on and have no desire to see him again.
I was able to create a really safe environment to the point my FA was able to open up and be more vulnerable.
However, I broke her trust with a lie. Something that could be seeing as small but still, it was a lie. I liked someone’s picture I shouldn’t and carried the lie for months. When I came clean she broke up with me. I see it as something that can be worked on but she thought it was a deal breaker.
Absolutely. 💯
🙌
Would you define anxious, fearful, and dismissive avoidant traits or provide a link? Thanks
Thais Gibson is on Utube and really knowledgeable about attachment styles.
This woman I knew was just a friend. I watched this video for assurance that she won't contact me anytime soon. I'm in a much better place and I don't her to drag me back to Hell.
Glad to hear you’re in a better place!
Let these people go and never look back. You can love them from a distance, but they rarely change unless they are aware and in therapy or show commitment.
Most don’t change, and when they come back it’s just to get their own validation, not give anything to the relationship…. Just take.
After 2.5 years my FA ex fiancé ended things pretty abruptly.
It’s funny since she’s the one that proposed and everything, after much reflection I’ve realized I made her avoidant side come out and it completely shut her down.
I’m going to break NC sometime in the future. I’ll make updates for everybody here that’s curious.
Reached out at 3 weeks, she was very passive aggressive.
Reached out at 2 weeks, she just told me didn’t want anything to do with me.
I tried my part, it’s done. I’ve talked to so many people, it seems if they aren’t receptive at 3-5 weeks after one contact. Move on peeps, I know it isn’t what you want to hear.
Thank you for sharing it helps.
@@MariaGomez-oz5qp It’s been over 6 months since it’s been over holy crap.
I’m not sure what you’re going through, but I know you’ll get through it. Still have some random days where it’s a bit tough but most days all is well and I’m happy.
It's been a year in total for you, I think. How are you doing?
You nailed it all. He's def in phase 1 right now.
Hey thanks! Glad it resonated.
Hey what if the anxious attached broke up with fa because of extremely hard push and pull dynamics after triggering the fa? One day my fa loved me, the next my fa was unsure if she would be happier without me.
The more i was pushing towards her, putting her on a pedestal and tried to make things workout and save the relationship (because i as an anxious was triggered too), the more she pulled away.
I only broke up because i literally couldnt stand it anymore and i was sure our „dynamic“ wouldnt get normal again, just get worse.
No contact for almost 3 month.
2 month my fa ex was posting almost every day some shit and was numbing the feelings, no for about 3 weeks, no posts, didnt see them anymore anywhere.
So yeah i dumped her, but im really sure she wanted me to break up and provocated me to do it because she didnt have the courage to do it.
Expect my fa ex to reach out? Or do i have to reach out? She was the one who didnt appreciate the relationship anymore and threw it away.
So i think she has to reach out, at least indirectly, to show me there is interest in talking.
I wont ever reach out first without receiving signs from my ex that she wants me to reach out.
Otherwise i would be dumb as shit i just run into the knife.
So my question: what if the anxious dumped the fa? Waiting for the fa to indirectly give signs understandable?
My avoidant ex has been hot and cold. We ended our relationship in November and then 4.5 months later he contacted me saying he could never forget me and he keeps looking for me in other women. I don’t believe he is a bad guy at heart and I have a lot of empathy for him as I just see a broken child inside him who’s in so much pain. He shares his thoughts with me but hated any time I brought psychology into it, I guess because it made him vulnerable. After contacting me so randomly that day we spoke a few hours but then I never heard from him again... what happened to him?
I had to breakup with my FA who leans towards dismmisive bc he kept on breaking promises. If he realizes his wrong will he potentially come back? Or did I just hurt him and break his trust
I think what’s more important is that you broke up with him for a very valid reason. We can’t manage someone else’s hurt if we hold them accountable to their unworkable actions.
@@KatyaMorozova thank u!
My gf (almost fiance) broke up with me about three weeks ago. We have gone no contact this entire time. I have been completely crushed, especially that first week, to the point where I had to go to the doctor to get treated for a reaction (hives/rash) my body was having due to the anxiety. She is Fearful Avoidant and I am Anxious Preoccupied. The breakup came out of left field completely and was extremely abrupt. The week before she broke up with me she suggested and went and looked at engagement rings (normally I would have been freaked out in other relationships but this one feels so right, so I was 100% in).
I was going out of town for a week and she said that after I returned she wanted to really go look for a ring. Well a few days before my trip, she wanted to talk. She told me that she has never felt any "Chemistry" toward me and needed to end it before it went any further. This was completely incongruent from her actions and words the entire rest of this year while we have been dating.
I really do see a future with both of us. I just signed up for your courses and starting to work through my attachment style. Lets just say I thought I was pretty secure but I am coming to find out I have suppressed a lot the past 40 years and want to properly heal from it so I can be better apt to support her as she works through her FA wounds. She is an extremely hard working and very aware of her attachement style. I just want to make sure I navigate this properly without pushing her away.
Everyone I talk to tells me that I need to not contact her at all and let her realize that she misses me and have her initiate the contact even if it takes months for her to do that. I have done a lot of research on both or styles of attachment and I want to make sure I do whats right for us. Not what others think I should do. But I am curious to hear others experiences with the timing and how people in similar situations made that initial contact. If anyone actually reads comments on here and would like to through out their experience or suggestions, i would love to learn more about how it played out for others.
Basically I have pretty well decided I will write her a letter and mail it so she gets its around the three week mark. I will try to balance showing care/concern, my investement in her and our relationship but still recognize that going forward we will both need time and space to properly work through our own wounds. But at the same time I do want to be a support to her when she wants that support.
UGHHHH this is so long (my anxious side coming out) but ya, any thought and suggestions from anyone that is still reading this. Should I wait for her to contact me (if she ever does) or should I contact her?
How are you dealing with the breakup?
I would love to know what happened with you guys? Did it work out and more importantly are you ok and healed?
My ex and I have on a bit of a journey and they’ve been supper hot cold a few months. Eventually I snapped last week and said I think we need to be friends. It killed me to say it because I’m completely in love with them. I told myself I can’t continue on like this but like you, something in me thinks this is the one. Anyway, I said the friends thing on Tuesday and last night, Saturday I saw them liking posts about unrequited love and ‘I so wanted it to be you’ and now I’m an emotional cripple. I had resolved to try to move on or at least give it a few months if no contact but my god, the things that I saw them like, I dunno, I think there’s deep pain there but they’re unable to express themselves or something.
@@titos6799 It was absolutely brutal for the first couple weeks especially. I’ve started to work through my own court wounds that were triggered as a result of the break up. I’ve been suppressing them for 40 years. But now starting to meet with a therapist and work through my own stuff and focus on myself. That’s really the only option at this point I need to heal for me and take care of myself
@@melissabean6634 thank you for being concerned for me. I can tell you there’s a immense pain that I felt and still feel. I don’t think she even realizes how severe I hurt. The thing that hurts the most is it seems like it hasn’t affected her at all. We were nearly engaged and The break up to her appeared to be just like a little jr high school fling break up.
I wrote the letter and was extremely vulnerable. It was definitely the wrong thing to do. It pushed her away even further and now she’s made it very clear she’s not interested in me at all which still feels completely incongruent from everything that led up to that point. I really do believe major trauma was triggered for her and she met it with a very intense response to end things as a result of how she has been conditioned to handle things.
Right now I am focusing on myself. I’ve been seeking help and support and been meeting with a therapist. I’m working on myself and loving myself more importantly. I’ve always taken care of other people and now it’s time for me to take care of myself and truly heal. I know it’s going to be a long journey and there’s gonna be a lot of books and bruises but it’s completely necessary that I do this for me
@@csilver9625hey! Hope you’re doing okay. How are things now?
Hi Katya, my GF who is a dismissive initially asked for space and mentioned we aren’t ending things, and after 4 weeks I checked in to no avail.. she’s since removed our pictures from her profile, ignore my apologies for mistakes I think I’ve made (small ones like being too defensive/protecting my self). It’s clear she’s moving on, and we never ever talked and it’s caused weeks or mental and physical pain. Do DAs feel bad at all? Care about what their decision has done to me? Thank you :)
Hey Lukas, thanks for commenting. It's hard for me to say what "your" ex is feeling without knowing more about your situation.
That said, I believe that people are people and we all have "feelings" and to some degree feel bad for our actions and have regrets. DA's specifically, though, take longer to tune into their emotions and think about the other person.
If you'd like a more comprehensive answer, I encourage you to book a session with me where I can assess your situation more in depth. You can do so here >> www.katyamorozova.me/services-2/
@@KatyaMorozova you mention that DA take longer to tune into their emotions, which I do. My ex is FA and I always knew where I stood with him which I liked. My question is how do I as a DA improve the ability to tune into my emotions? And to learn to think of them more? Thanks
@@SarahBatsanis This is a really great question Sarah. I'm going to turn your q into a video. In the meantime, I think the first step to tuning into your emotions is learning more about Mindfulness. That could be a good place for you to start.
I’m been throw a lot From toxic friends n family members I’m different I’m chosen one I’m spiritual person he cheated n lies n abuse me he a narcissistic plz help
My ex has a lot of resentment
I'm interested ? My ex has avoidant and she stopped speaking to me since she assumed I was the same ? And told her I wasn't ... We haven't spoken sincd August and we are going through December
My ex unblocked me after ghosting me out of no where and apologized and told me she loved me and everything, and she said "lets talk tonight" (this is online LDR) and then said she was not feeling well and second time she just did not message me at all... and I see her playing video games with some other guy she just met, I even said if she liked someone else she could just be honest and tell me and we could just be friends but she was dead stuck on saying im the only person and shes being 100% honest. I'm really confused, I decided to send a message saying goodbye and ended things because she kept prioritizing playing games instead of talking to me and she just blocked and ghosted me again (which i knew would happen). Would like some thoughts on this.. was I just overthinking? Do you guys think she would reach out again?
She might. Doesn't sound like she is handling you and her relationship with you very well though. Might be the best thing for you to not pursue a relationship with her at the moment.
How long did the ghosting go for ?
What if he keeps reaching out in no contact after 1 or 2 weeks with only “hi, how are you” and then say nothing els after that?
Just reply lightly as well like 'im ok hope ur doing ok too'
I never experienced these issues with my dog. Woof
For some reason, your website does not work in my area💔
Can avoidants sorta exist in a space between dismissive and fearful?
I think so. Reminded of what I heard Sam Vaknin describe in a video once this is what a malignant does as they have both S and P traits constantly working at the same time.
How long is phase 1?
They shut down and moved on to someone else. I don't think they have lifted that rock to look underneath at all.
Thank you for sharing! Sometimes they don't and that's a difficult thing to reconcile.
@@KatyaMorozova do you think avoidants can run away from people that they fall in love with only to rebound with someone who is a good friend but doesn't trigger them because they can't get their heart broken?
I was gonna do that but this time I will fix myself
I just recently realised Im an FA. I would wanna not to be. Just started journaling and booked psykology sessions. Is there anyway to get in touchh with the author of this video?
Why is it that in every clip the FA is assumed to be a man ?? I just got out of a relationship w a woman FA ! Even here you refer to FA as him . This is not right
I know, not much perspective on FA she’s.
what was most helpful to hear was just the validation of how cookie cutter my FA ex is. it's pathetic: she has been in therapy for years, and nothing has been done to heal her attachment issues.
As an FA myself, you sound very bitter tbh. Calling someone pathetic, even they're trying to get better, doesn't sound like the nicest thing
@@apoorvak6015 i could be bitter, but that isn't that same as being wrong, is it? furthermore, if you look at what i typed, i said IT'S pathetic - IT'S; referring to the fact that her therapists have failed to make a dent. do you think it's possible that you don't have all the facts about my situation, and you're just projecting?
@@adamwood87 Of course! More so than projecting, I'd say I'm offended. And I never said I know all the facts, you're a stranger lol. Just the tone you used did not sit right with me! That is all!
@@apoorvak6015 if you didn't like the tone I used, i see why you'd be offended.
My FA left a month ago. I'm 5 months pregnant. First time we had a breakup.
He just says he has lost all his feelings and wants to be alone.
I just decided to try no contact for my mental health and babies health.
Not sure what to do.
Hey Lisa, I'm so sorry that you're going through that. That must be really difficult. I think you're on the right track by taking care of your mental health first. That's what you have control over right now!
Be easy with yourself. There might not be an immediate action to take here... I know that might be frustrating to hear right now, but I don't want to give you false platitudes.
If you'd like some more in depth support please reach out to me at katya@katyamorozova.me
SO the REAL answer is stay away...
That’s definitely an option.
Hi im AA. My ex is FA. Im not sure who broke up with who. He said he was unhappy in our relationship and couldnt see us getting married. Also he said that we were very different. I then said i could not do us anymore and i wanted him to return my things which were in his house. We live in separate countries. I also told him i felt i had wasted my time coming to his country to try living there for a year. He sounded hurt. Anyway he blocked me the day after the breakup altho i never reached out to him post breakup. Its abt 7 months now. What should i do?
Hey Geetha, thanks for commenting! I'm sorry to hear that you're having a challenging time right now.
I'd love to support you further. The best way to do that is by scheduling a session where we can come up with a plan with the next steps. You can do that here >> www.katyamorozova.me/services-2/
This video is quite misleading.
This is mostly only true in a situation where an FA isn’t happy in a relationship and the pull push is due to reasons other than trust issues. (Ex. The person isn’t over their ex but trying to move on with a new person, they’re unsure of their feelings, etc.)
If you do your research and As an FA myself, I can attest to the fact that we do actually feel a lot of intense emotions internally during a break up especially if we felt betrayed by someone we loved we just don’t want to allow ourself to face the emotions so we try to suppress them and we may engage in unhealthy behaviour as a way to distract ourselves from it all or act like we are okay but on the inside the pain is almost unbearable that we can easily get very depressed while almost also feeling numb because we don’t know how to properly express how we feel outwardly at least to others.
I’ve had exes tell me they were surprised by how fast I moved on because I was out all the time, travelling etc but I knew that it took me a long time to get over them, that at times I would just cry randomly and start missing them but I’d wipe my tears and head back out like everything was okay. That’s a Fearful avoidant ! It’s truly the most difficult attachment style
Hi Olivia, thanks for commenting and sharing your experience. Yes, I agree that FA's can and do feel quite deeply during a breakup. Also, this video was written more for AP than for the FA... and for when the FA is the one doing the breaking up or let's say when the FA has more power/control in the relationship or is less invested overall. I agree that there is a lot of nuances when it comes to breakups. As an FA I have experienced both what you're describing and what I'm describing - varying on how invested I am in the relationship and what's happening towards the end of the relationship.
@@KatyaMorozova ah i see okay i understand thank You for your response and for the clarification I guess it was a misunderstanding haha.
Turns out my ex was the FA. He proposed to such an ugly girl in less than a year since he dumped me. I hope it’s how God punished him for hurting me. I hope this “engagement” will be ruined.
Diane , I see your comment is 4 months old , but , I hope you found healing during these past four months. I can tell from reading your comment you were pist and I just felt the negative energy radiating off of your words. I suffered an excruciating break up and heart break this past month. I understand how you feel. Hope you're better!
@@robpz448 thanks for your mind words. I’m better though. Feeling better cus I know that not everyone has a good taste 😁
Nothing. Sick people. 🤮
I'm a FA & can not tolerate anxious attached individuals or these types of men in dating scenarios. I find them too needy & annoying...I definitely do not go back to a anxious attached man. I like my space & alone time... I am working on becoming a more secure attached woman. ❤
Hahaha FA”s are most toxic ones u need to change
You make people anxious attached. Get some help so that you can see reality
Yeah you need a hardcore DA for good old taste of own medicine, double dose 😜
You make people anxious attached!!!!!!!
Best video thank you . He has been coming back for years then leaves when things are going perfect / I feel broken
I hope you're out of the loop now xx