Are you interested in any other relationship dynamics that you would like to see? Also, we recently did a video to promote awareness about hidden borderline personality disorder. Please help share it!
Important thing to note: anxious-avoidant relationships are not always toxic or incompatible. The important thing is healthy communication, respect and understanding.
I agree. I’m in that kind of relationship + I am the anxious one and I’m seeing a therapist. It’a true that our need don’t match sometimes. But I learned to ne more independent and we learn to communicate
@@beatlesjude7313 yes, I am AP before when my bf AD deactivated me, so what I did is I improved myself, heal my core wound, love myself, find my value and worth. Do exercise and hiking with group friends. Improve my self-esteem and be independent without my bf. I gave him space while I am improving myself. Now I am 90% SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE. With the help of my Personal Development School.
Thank you for sharing this! In the end, what we need is self-awareness and to understand why we behave the way we do! Do you have any tips on how to communicate better in an anxious-avoidant relationship?
@@Psych2go thank you :D ! The first thing is to understand is that we are truly different and that we don't want to do bad things to each other (for example : I don't want my partner to suffocate, and he don't want to abandon me).
Yep I feel that because they want something out of me or don’t try to understand me that’s why I avoid conflicts but I learn to work things out conflict or no conflict
I do this too. Whenever I meet new people and we’re getting on well, I think to myself “This isn’t going to last very long. But I wonder how long? Before they leave” then I’ll guess. Sometimes I’m spot on :/
Every relationship. I've had an 18 month, 1 month and 6 month relationships. I suspect the first one only lasted so long because were codependant (partly why she ended it).
This was my last long term relationship. I was the avoidant and she was the anxious. It did not end well. It's been 3 years and it still eats me up about how much I neglected her when all she wanted was to feel loved. Taught me a lot about myself
This sound so egotistical but I still dream of the day my ex DA learns about this and she apologizes for all the harm In my end I did apologize as I realized how horrible I was during relationship, but I don't think she ever did, and I doubt she ever realized how hurtful she was to me
I think my partner of now 8 months is an avoidant, any advice on how to show him that it’s okey to communicate and feel loved without overwhelming him, i’m ready to give it my all before considering giving up, since you’re avoidant i wanted to hear an advice from you
My last long term ended like that to, except I was the anxious one. You seem like a kind person, and it sounds like you are trying to be a better person. Maybe reaching out to her might help both of you. It would give you a chance to explain some things. I do hope you are doing well though
@@kevina12 That isn't egotistical, but what you're doing is keeping a scorecard which can be very harmful. If you focus on who wronged who and keep a tally, the you wind up building resentment and if you establish yourself the victim then it can mess with your self esteem. The most healthy thing you can do is learn to forgive others, otherwise maintaining an unsettled score can lead to greater depression, anger and bitterness.
Encourage openness 👇- but don't push it. People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They're also immensely terrified by it. You can encourage them to talk about what they're feeling or what fears they sense, but don't be aggressive.
How to start a relationship with someone who fears intimacy? How to even start a conversation that leads to talking about it? I've come to a dead end with avoidant person and I don't know what to do. Unfortunately I'm not ready give up and let go...
@@the_stem The trick is to be available, yourself, without smothering them... Allow them the space they seem to need, and try to reward them (often with discretion) when they do open up a little... "Discretion is the better part of valor." ~It's an old proverb... Discretion, is the virtue of being "discrete", even secretive about things that are personal. MOSTLY, it can be covered with "The virtue of keeping your d*** mouth shut." Not for nothing, here, but nowadays, with the peak of the information age and social media creating a frenzy of over-published (and mostly uninteresting) drama-seeking individuals, nobody seems to be able to keep anything to themselves... Discretion is FAST becoming a "lost skill". It's not easy to allow someone their "personal space" all the time, but remaining "emotionally available" all the same... Some days, it really sucks. It's not often rewarding, and it gets tempting to shut-down or "cut your losses"... even resent them this need for personal space so much. You can't start "using the stick" or "punishing them" for not participating on your schedule... That will lose all the progress you make... almost on the spot. Nonjudgmental rewards aren't much easier... BUT it's the way to go. When you realize the "avoidant person" is opening up to you, put aside your personal feelings about whatever they're telling you and just be emotionally available for them. Reward them for the effort. Understand it's difficult for them... It's terrifying to trust someone so much. THEN understand you've also essentially agreed to a social contract (spoken or otherwise) with them. You'll take whatever they told you to your grave. You'll never EVER joke about it, ridicule it (no matter how silly), or repeat it (no matter how juicy)... Again, that sort of behavior (for any reason) will lose you whatever progress you've made... near instantly. Unfortunately, there's little to no way of prying someone's personal stuff out of them. It's kind of like sex, in that you can't really force it to work. That would be tantamount to rape... SO "consent... Consent... CONSENT." This is just the emotional equivalent. ;o)
You should make a video on how anxious avoidant relationships can work on meeting each other’s needs to actually function and grow. It can happen. It is just rare.
Signs. People with fearful avoidant attachment may show signs like: stormy, highly emotional relationships. conflicting feelings about relationships (both wanting a romantic relationship and being fearful of being hurt or left by a significant other)
I'm a secure turned anxious due to my most recent relationship. Yes I do fear abandonment and rejection like this clip suggests but that is only because the avoidant never communicated how they felt or what they wanted, therefore I was often left in the dark trying to decipher their moods and feelings despite them saying, "I'm fine." The one time my avoidant detailed to me that they needed space - I remember feeling happy. Not because they wanted to be alone for a few days, but because they explained what they wanted, how long they wanted it for and what the plan was. That reasurred me, made me feel settled and I was able to give them the space and time they needed. It's really not that hard, well in my case anyway.
This was me too. My ex would say everything is fine and then get mad when I asked for constant reassurance because my intuition knew everything wasn't fine. Then he finally admitted he was "torn" for literally no reason, he didn't give one about our relationship. So I made up his mind for him. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me.
In the dark is the best way to describe it. I try very hard to be secure but when I feel that pull away, especially after intimate bonding, I become very anxious. And I try to communicate it, because I don’t need the ulcer I just need an answer or for them to at least ponder what is going on. But I’ll cut ties just as quickly now seeing the signs over and over. I don’t smother but I do have needs and they’ve always, historically, gone carelessly impeded with. I’ve become more cautious than anxious but the anxious will come out if I’m in the dark with literally no communication or openness or honesty. I’ve also learned it’s ok to expect things to be acknowledged, if they can’t it’s not the shortcoming of the anxious, that’s something for the avoidant to work on for their own betterment
@@Alixir1228 Good for you. We don't need people in our lives who don't know whether or not they want to stay. Either make your mind up, or I'll make it up for you. I hope you got rid of that person
@private_recruit4165 Absolutely. A lot of people become anxious because of avoidant people. No communication, always indecisive, always flaky. The list goes on. I'd never do it again. Ever.
The list: 1:10 1. Feelings of Suffocation 1:38 2. Feelings of Abandonment 2:06 3. Concern Over The Relationship Being One-Sided 2:34 4. Feelings of Instability 3:07 5. Emotional Toxicity
My ex was the avoidant while I was the anxious. We were struggling to understand each other for months with this push and pull emotional effect. When I found out about this attachment theory style, I was really amazed and shared this with my ex. We both came to understand about our attachment styles but while I was trying to patiently guide him through the process of making him open up his feelings and vulnerability (I was already in terms with my own anxiousness and was doing fine), he just refused to let me in to his life and from time to time when there was emotional arguments, he would say things to hurt me. So, I had enough and decided I deserve so much better than dealing with all these emotional shit especially with him who doesn't want to work on himself and the relationship. Moral of the story, to all anxious people out there, dump the fucking partner who doesn't want to work on the relationship or themselves to be a better person in the relationship despite knowing what attachment style they are. They don't deserve shit!
Yes people think it gets better but it really doesn’t. Imagine staying in a relationship where you can’t show love. That some BS. Im done with my DA ex girlfriend too. She cause so much damage and hurt and I wanted was communication. It’s not worth it. Drains your energy. Relationships should make you better not worst…. People on here so hopeful but they’re wasting their time
@@joev7014 I agree. Specially dismissive avoidants, they are the most resistant to never ever change anything about themselves, they just want you to change. If they aren't willing to sacrifice a tiny bit of independance for you, there's not much they will be doing for you, like ever. They should be the ones avoided, it's just more healthy for the rest of us that way.
You anxious people aren't exactly a blast to deal with either. I befriended a guy who was anxiously attached and I never had so much stress and difficulty in my life just trying to get along with someone. I had always found the guy clingy and overbearing but the breaking point came when he showed up uninvited in the middle of my sex life and stayed there. He had the brilliant idea of trying to find me a girlfriend without being asked to do so. He saw a girl working at a movie rental place near his house and thought she would be a great girlfriend for me. When he first mentioned her to me, I just saw it as an unwelcome intrusion into a private and deeply personal area. For one thing, I was unemployed at the time. The last thing I wanted or needed was to go on a date and have someone ask me what I did for a living. Anyway, it ticked me off that this guy was trying to involve himself in my private life. As I saw it, someone who'd been alive for 43 years should've learned how to mind his own business. On top of that, I told the guy that I'd been without adult supervision since I was 12 years old and basically raised myself. My mother died when I was a baby. I was raised by my maternal grandmother but she died a few weeks before I turned 13 and after that, I lived with my father who was a drunk who spent all his free time in bars. I'd been making my own decisions and not answering to anyone since I was 12. I knew within days of giving this guy my number that his clinginess was going to be a problem, so I tried to tell the guy that I was very independent. I told him I was "fiercely independent", which I was, in those exact words, so I thought he should know that I was someone who wouldn't want him or anyone else meddling in my affairs. I was almost 28 and had some creep I barely knew trying to choose my girlfriends for me. Well, to make a long story short, this so-called friend of mine was very hurt and offended that I didn't want such "help" and he made a point of regurgitating this puke every 6 months until I got so fed up with him that I terminated the relationship. Two years of being persecuted and harassed because I didn't want some creep I barely knew trying to choose my girlfriends for me. And two years of being hassled because I didn't accept a favor I didn't want and never asked for.
@@meatwad1 But unlike dismissive avoidants, who the majority refuse to see anything wrong or change for the better, they would rather not even if it's not for their family, friends, and partner, but just for themselves. Most anxious preoccupied people once they learn about their attachment style do try to change and a lot of us are successful. To me it sounds like you are the general dismissive avoidant, rather than actually working on yourself to have a better relationship you would rather push all the blame to one person. Afraid of taking accountability and more focused on the victim mentality. Hey if you wanna focus on the avoidant cycle of shit relationships and constant negative thoughts about others, you do you pal. Just remember when you point a finger at someone else you have 3 of your own fingers pointing back at you, don't forget that you're the one causing all this pain and suffering to yourself.
@@StuffSayoSays I am a dismissive avoidant and I can easily see that you're an anxiously attached person by the nasty, overemotional and accusatory nature of your comment to me. I don't have "constant negative thoughts about others" but I have plenty of negative thoughts about the guy I was talking about. No one--whether they were a dismissive avoidant or a securely attached person--would have wanted this guy intruding into their private life or persecuting them for 2 years for hurting his feelings. The guy was an intrusive, domineering and overemotional jerk. Sorry. That guy would still be all of those things regardless of whether I'm a dismissive avoidant or not and no one would be able to tolerate him or anyone like him.
My avoidant ex turned me into a secure avoidant. I know it’s not a thing perse, but i learned from her that self love is the only way. Friends leave you, girl/boyfriends leave you, your parents will one day, but you, youll be stuck with you forever. Find a way to love you, itll be a long ride.
This is so true. Be so safe loving yourself so unconditionally, that even if people leave, there's always someone who's there to love you and take care of you- and that person is YOU YOURSELF.
Reminds me of myself and my best mate. She's anxious, I'm avoident. We've learned to state our boundaries, and let each other know what we're feeling. She understands that I need a lot of space, and I understand that she needs validation and someone to talk to. It's difficult at times but we love each other all the same.
@@MariePsuui We mostly try to communicate with eachother these days about what we need. I let her know when I don't want to talk, and still try to see her regularly. We understand better that we have different needs. We don't blame ourselves or each other if we're clear about why we do what we do
“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” -Arthur Somers Roche
I am anxious-preoccupied + a little fearful-avoidant. My boyfriend is dismissive avoidant. We have been together for 10 years now. Has it been wonderful most of the time? No. Have we grown more as people and learnt from another since we have known each other? Heck yeah. I have tried to become more spontaneous and try to understand that things in life don't matter as much as I think they do and that people don't hate me and that they probably don't think too much of me anyway to hate me, which always is one of my fears. That I need to trust my partner and his need for space and his space from the relationship. He has learnt to communicate better and tries to listen to his body and his feelings more. He used to say that everything was fine, and that he was never mad. Now he can say more often that he has some kind of emotion. We clash a lot. Life is like that. People don't fit perfectly. I hate it when I always hear that Avoidant/Anxious relationships are doomed, because they are not. It just takes knowledge and work.
I was in such an relationship, being the avoidant one, she wanted me to watch such videos and learn from it but I was too hardheaded, I thought showing love in my way would be enough (gifts, trips, time) but it wasn’t, now we broke up. It opened my eyes though, I needed a slap on my face, learning a lot now
this definitely can happen in friendships too; I recently broke friends with someone who I'd considered my best friend for 10 years. I'm anxious and they're avoidant, but I only found that out recently - I kept desperately trying to reach out and hold onto that friendship when I realised they were pulling away, not realising that they felt like I was a burden and hadn't considered me as their friend for years. It completely blindsided me, I was furious- I AM furious, with them and partly with myself too. But now I'm learning more about these kinds of relationships, and it's all starting to make sense. It ended horribly but I hope one day I can be at peace with it.
I'm usually the avoidant. As the relationship starts to develop I feel the need to built up walls around me as if I was being attacked. On the other hand I can get too emotionally intimate too quickly and scare the other away from me.
@@Psych2go I started this summer to be more friendly and intimate with my current friends (hugging, helping, baking for them etc.). With new acquaintances or not so close friends I try to be at the very beginning be more relaxed and open with my thoughts too. I'm not anymore too scared or confused with new or old people as much as I was last year. My regular though helps me with insecurities: "This is who I am and I cannot get any better for the upcoming moment." When you are truthful to others they tend to cooperative with you.
I just wonder why avoidants want to be in relationship and are the one who chase you and lovebomb you when they don't share feelings later or don't like to talk about feelings and are emotionally cold, when relationships are all about feelings?
@@intuitivevibes1818 People are different and in my point of view it's usually a trust issue. If I don't trust the other one to be silent about my inner feelings then I become distant. Time, same activities and being close with another is key to building trust.
Ahahaha This perfectly describes my relationship that just ended a couple weeks back. I still miss him so much, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be in the long run. Anxious love style squad, where ya at??
I’m the avoidant. 2 days ago I did said “ stop crying “ towards her and I feel as if I broke her. When the video said it’s toxic & hard to fix it just give me this feeling that damn maybe this isn’t it. Idk how to become secure and it’s haunting me daily. I want my girlfriend to feel loved and not alone. If u guys have links / resources for becoming and having a secure attachment style from being avoidant please comment down below. Thanks in advance. Also to the anxious, as avoidants do feel. We feel ur pain, we have feelings but it’s one hell of a task to share them or speak on them. We care even though it seems like we don’t care. We just need to find a healthier way of showing that we do.
read the book “attached” by amir levine and rachel heller. it helped me lots in understanding the waters between my potential partner (avoidant) and i (anxious). and when he pops the question (and it’s going to be him because avoidants tends to steer the relationship while the anxious person abides. that’s the case with us), i’ll propose to him the concept of attachment styles and how we have to work towards being secure and grow together if he wants me to be his girlfriend. maybe you could ask your girlfriend to do the same. sorry for bad english. cheers
The first and the most important step is to be willing to make the effort to change. It's a difficult process but when there is love between you, it's definitely worth the effort from both sides. After all we are not as different as we may seem. I think we still want, need and fear the same things, but unfortunately we have built different coping mechanisms... I think that that's what drew us together on a first place. I feel it like we are two sides of the same coin. 💔
I' m not anxious but I have dealt with an avoidant, never again lesson learned and for those of you that say avoidants need/ want Love to yes may be so but what they really need is therapy before they ruin someone else, avoidants are damaging.
My biggest complaint with any Aviodant is when you open-up having a history of heart break. And they just dismiss these as being Melodramatic Being clingy stems from a long hassel of being rejected so many times. You just want to give up on Relationships. Unless the Anxious has further issues dealing with then being simply Codedepent. Don't assume them to be annoying
This is my current relationship. I’m the avoidant and my bf is the anxious. He gets upset when I don’t text him back and I get upset when he constantly hangs all over me or wants to discuss feelings. We’ve had discussions about how different we are about showing our love for each other so we can understand each other better. We’ve been together for over a year but recently moved in together. I hope our differences don’t become toxic and we end up hating each other.
Avoidant person here. I've had a series of anxious attachment style people persue me before I knew what this style was and after my last relationship failed due to just these reasons I was able to identify these things in therapy. When I fell into this pattern again in my new relationship, I brought it up to my new partner and we worked on identifying our traits together and have made it work. I became less avoidant and developed a healthy attachment style. Its only toxic if you are actively engaging in toxic behavioral patterns that hurt the other person, and you can recover and reach secure attachment. Not all anxious avoidant relationships are doomed if you two understand and empathize with one another and heal your wounds.
thanx for sharing. You are giving me some hope... despite the recent break up and urgent need of therapy for my FA gf who just broke my heart, slowly getting out of the relationship emotionally... after intense Love Bombing! I know one thing for sure: if at all the 2 of us are to reunite, it will take many months of therapy on her side (been 3 years as far as I am concerned) to reach a decent level of Secure attachment. Sobs. Sigh.
You are both so welcome. As of these years later, I am successfully with my person still and we are still healthy with this! We have encountered bumps in the road where both of us see ourselves starting to slip into old behaviors bur it's that choice of new behavior every single time no matter how hard life is... that's the key.
I will never have this type of relationship ever again. I used to have an anxious attachment style and I dated someone with an avoidant style and it was the worst!!! And to top it off he was emotionally unavailable. I will never go through that hell again.
This happened with my failed talking stage, I think I started off as secure but his actions made me anxious. He liked that I was chilled and not clingy. We live in different cities and I could tell he liked that space. The anxiety started when he would talk to his female friends all the time, but seemed to not want to do that with me. Whenever I brought up emotions and wanted to have meaningful conversations, he would say guys don't do that. He drained me during lockdown, I really wanted to make it work but in the end he distanced himself and asks me if its fizzled out. I said guess so, but he still wants to stay friends and we still message occasionally. I think he keeps me around for validation purposes.
It’s unfortunate, I’ve notice with the avoidant type they probably need more validation than the anxious type and go through to the channel of “preserving friendships” after the fact but that’s also manipulative. I have experienced this way too many times and I simply got to the point where it’s absolutely not fair.
Well its good to educate yourself about these things. Most people learn from experience but some people can't have experiences like these because of limited social interaction. I'm one of them. It's great to learn about these things because it's crucial for our future relationships.
Im not either, but this can also apply for friendships i assume. Me and my best friend might have this kind of anxious-avoident relationship so i guess it useful even if you're single ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It can happen in any relationships including friendships, I have had past friends who have suffocated me a bit but I've tried to be very patient and nice bc I'm scared of them thinking I don't like them anymore and it's draining me..
I knew my relationship was like this, unfortunately we weren't able to work it out since he is the avoidant one in the relationship, he misunderstood me as clingy and promptly broke up with me. I tried to get closure a couple months after but he didn't want to, especially since our relationship ended in a weird incomplete way full of misunderstandings. Sorry for getting personal but I'm glad you made this video and I hope people can be more aware of these kinds of situations...
UPDATE: i got over him and am now in a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend even tho its long distance atm, he is very caring and helps me talk through my problems and we address every issue to solve them, im very happy now where i am :)
I'm the anxious one, we just had the break up and I looked online everywhere where our relationship went wrong. I now am confident I know the answer. I'm the anxious one and I should deal with my anxiety more. She is the avoidant one and should learn to communicate more. Unfortunately she really doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And Everytime I do she just doesn't seem to care. I should stop talking to her, it's a boundary she gave me. I just keep having false hope that we could fix this, and try to convince her that there's hope.
It doesn't have to be a toxic relationship just because you have different needs/attachment styles. You just have to have a good communication with your partner to get your needs met & speak up whenever you feel anxious or suffocated in a relationship. That way, you clear things up before your mind rushes away with your thoughts & turns the problems into a story that doesn't match the facts. Speak up to feel better, or you will forever suffer in your silence.
it's so weird because I recently found out that I had fearful avoidant attachment and I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about it. I relate to both individuals in this sort of relationship and so it feels like constant confusion and conflict in my head.
To ask about this attachment style go to FB page Personal Development School and join their. You can resonate a lot of attachment styles with their experience.
I’m an introvert and my partner is an avoidant. I need my space just like he does. The problem is the lack of communication. We aren’t in an official relationship but we are consistent with spending time with each other every weekend. I’ve learned to just go with the flow regarding him. I feel in love with him but realized that I couldn’t be with him everyday as I would need to recharge. It drains me to be around people all the time. We had a talk one day. He seems to think he is an introvert. I told him that he isn’t. I just haven’t told him what he is. I told him that I love him. I thought that would push him away. He continues to come back. When we’re together he is very affectionate. When we are apart I don’t hear from him during the week unless I initiate contact. I absolutely enjoy the time I spend with him. He is the most wonderful man I’ve ever been with. It feels like a curse on him being an avoidant and I hate it. But I’m not going anywhere.😢
Dear anxious and avoidant people, its not your fault. Your upbringing, biology, life experiences all blurred your image of love. As one of you myself (avoidant), I realize now that I don't hate myself, those like me, or those struggling with anxious attachment. I've ended several friendships because they were built on the unstable house of cards that anxious-avoidant thinking patterns. I don't hate any of those people because while we did hurt each other deeply, we only know what we have learned and been taught, especially in childhood. All anxious and avoidant beliefs stem from not seeing ourselves as lovable because we never learned what love even means. We were given only half of the love we needed because our parents, caregivers, or others in our young lives didn't even know what love meant - so how can we blame them or ourselves? Its not an excuse of their actions or our own, but a shift in perception from hating ourselves, our parents, friends or whomever we have been blaming all this time - to the power we have to see ourselves as lovable, worthy, and good enough despite our mistakes. So, as difficult as the journey that lies before us is ahead - the journey of learning that we are lovable and also what love exactly means to us - it is a journey worth struggling for because we all know that's something we truly want. Its also something others have achieved though difficult, so we don't need to lose hope. Anyway, some will disagree or be pained by this. Some will agree and be encouraged. That's okay. I just hope that one day we can all overcome these anxious-avoidant patterns.
Good speech this gives me hope my partner is avoidant we live in other countries I at time's want to give up on her we don't even talk much at all I was anxious but am more secure now and I know I'm not asking for too much just consistent commutation which any healthy relationship has hopefully she comes around but even if she doesn't I know it has more to do with her then it does me I definitely deserve love and respect and consistency
This video is such a coincidence, because it’s something I’ve been working on due to my past relationships. Every single time I’ve allowed my partners space, they’ve broken up with me, so I’ve decided to fix it in my current relationship by being too clingy. My partner isn’t avoidant, but I’ve still looked up ways to help him by correcting myself. I realized I stopped doing things I’ve enjoyed as much to spend time with them constantly and now I’ve been trying to keep my distance. It’s really hard, but spending my time doing hobbies I used to enjoy is really helping and making time pass by. It’s also a great way to relieve stress, because I’ve been stressed by college. It’s also giving me more of a sense of individuality that is liberating :)
I’m in a avoidant-anxious relationship but we know it. when we fight it’s hard because I’m the anxious one and he (the avoidant) always want to go... But he helps me to ne indépendant. It’s hard for we me to let go of my stress and to focus on myself, but at least it’s better for both of us. I don’t know of this relationship gonna last but I can say that if we both knowing that we are in a anxious/avoidant relationship, we can understand the other (Sorry for the mistakes, I’m french)
Beatles Jude definitely! Just knowing is the first step. Just look up some ways to become less clingy and it can help (that’s what I did at least). It will be very hard to be less dependent on him (trust me, I know I’ve been struggling so much recently about it), but it will be better to make the relationship stronger. Good luck!! (And you’re English is good, I can understand it well!)
wow this gave me so much insight to why i think my girlfriend is sometimes “needy” and why it makes me want to be more distant. i have more understanding for our relationship and can strengthen it from here 💛
My relationship of 3 years is like this exactly and I feel like we both can’t get a understanding of one another and me and my bf sat down and really talked and communicated and decided we will try to work us out . I’m the anxious attachment - I will be more understanding , respectful , understand boundaries, and have more fun put more thought into things my partner likes and have daily check ins with one another . My bf the avoidant attachment - will learn to communicate , understand our love language , try to be more intimate which he has improved greatly on, appreciate the little things , give me reassurance , daily check ins with one another , say things to each other like thank you or I acknowledge this (this allows us to know that what we’re doing is not going unnoticed making us feel valued) . We really hope things work out . It’s only been about a week with us inputting these new things into the relationship but we hope things feel better in the relationship and be end up lasting as we both don’t want to lose one another and lose the 3 years together . Any other advice I would highly appreciate. ❤️
Man, I'm in a friendship that's almost exactly like this. But instead of talking about it, it sorta just hangs in the air- the other showing endless affection to me, and myself being quite uncomfortable whenever I'm overly clung onto and told affectionate words to.
thanks! this is probably the best video I've seen that makes me understand what was going on a lot better. More to learn and focus on, and remember so that I never make these mistakes again.
Im myself anxious partner in our relationship.. Anxious side needs to work on the anxieties that one have and the other needs to work on their avoidance issues. Know that you and your partner are the two sides of the same coin, there's no need for blame and accusations. Just communication, understanding and problem solving together as a team. Good luck everyone with dealing with this type of relationship problems! Its possible to sort it all out with time, effort, energy and willingness to do so.
Yeah. I'm definitely anxious and I'm quite sure my girlfriend is avoidant. Thanks for the video. I used to think that in a relationship, both partners are willing to be with each other no matter what and the more amount of time we spent together means the more love and commitment we each are feeling. But now I realized that, when my partner asks for more space and it's not because she doesn't love me, but because she needs time to process her emotions/feelings/goals/life. I should be more confident about our relationship. We totally love each other's company when spending time together. So I need base my confidence on that, and not on the fact that I feel unloved when my partner says she's busy with other things/friends and claims to be too busy to be with me.
I finally have found something that explains how I feel during relationships and now that I know how to express it, I can finally fix myself, thank you for making it easier and helping me move on from who I was 💙
i’d like to advise people to read the book “attached” by amir levine and rachel heller. it helped me lots in understanding the waters between my potential partner (avoidant) and i (anxious). and when he pops the question (and it’s going to be him because avoidants tend to steer the relationship while the anxious person abides. that’s the case with us), i’ll propose to him the concept of attachment styles and how we have to work towards being secure and grow together if he wants me to be his girlfriend. sorry for bad english. cheers love
I found out at therapy that I was in fact in such a relationship, and from that moment something shifted and I worked on my anxious attachment style and had a better understanding about why my partner is the way he is and for a while our relationship got way better... it did not last because while I gave him the freedom and space he needed, he only took that for granted and it all blew up in my face, because he did not want to work on his issues. So now we are no longer together.
Honest, open communication is crucial to relationships. Maybe we don't intend to seem clingy, but it gets interpreted that way. We must let our partners know what we're looking for.
You can't communicate with avoidant people in the same way you communicate with secure or anxious. They don't understand feelings or emotional scenarios very well. They can't comprehend it so they literally just think you're delusional. It's like you're reading from two different books on how relationships should be. They need to want to grow for themselves, on their time and terms. They definitely won't do it if they're pressured. Basic conversations that most people wouldn't struggle with, the avoidant person can not handle. They will immediately feel attacked and deactivate. I've been with a dismissive avoidant for 6.5 years. It has been SO difficult but also rewarding. I am a self aware FA leaning more toward secure and the more secure I become, the more willing he is to work on his shortcomings. He is unaware of attachment styles and why he does what he does. I plan to talk to him one day, but the timing has to be right and I need to be very intentional with what I say. I know most people would just leave bc it's too much work but I'm fucked up too, we all are, so as long as he's willing to respect me, im still in it. Lol
I scored 87 Avoidance of Closeness on a Psychology Today attachment style quiz. I have been single for 12 years and will never understand how people trust each other to know each other really well and be vulnerable. I feel one person has more power than the other and there are lies and other types of disrespect within all marriages. Not for me I prefer my freedom and self discovery. I do feel sad I won't have the myth of true love (I blame fairytale and Hallmark cards) and I can't have casual sex. I know I'm better off without being emotionally let down and giving up my life for a man.
Any avoidants shouldn't have serious relationships. My ex who is avoidant wanted to keep me as a lover just for flirting/sex.I wasn't anxious before, but basically, he made me an anxious type. He still blames me it was my fault that the relationship didn't work, because I was pushy etc. However, there's no future if the avoidants always want to share 'only the positve part' of relationship and don't want to see any negative things. It's my opinion, tho. I feel like most of people watch the video might think 'it's an anxious person's fault'. I don't think so :/
In addition, my current bf completely understands how my previous relationships were bad. Although I didn't go to any therapists, we completely have a healthy relationship. If you can feel the partner is trustworthy and non-evasive, sometimes you can automatically healed from the pain. So cheer up anxious, just dump your toxic relationship, it's not worth for you
It is so hard to love and feel loved as an avoidant. I want to build a family and have a long lasting love, but when it comes to giving love I freak out, my brain blocks and I just can’t force myself to do something, it brings me a huge wave of unhappiness and suffocation. We are portrayed as the villains but we just want to feel understood, and we don’t think about “oh I am an avoidant so I can’t date”, because in the beginning of a relationship we always feel like we are capable of it, it’s just that when we reach deeper levels we freak out even though we love our partner very much…
It's unfair. I'm avoidant, my ex was anxiously attached and she was very pushy. I'd tell her outright something was bothering me, and she'd begrudgingly listen, only to turn around and force me to do the same thing I already told her made me uncomfortable. There's struggling to communicate, and then there's being outright ignored when you do.
Basically: It's not worth it. I was secure, turned anxious after being broken up with by an avoidant and never heard from them again after the breakup, while they kept talking to random strangers online about everything and meeting many new people. It hurt at first but at some point I got over it and started working on myself and am not looking back anymore. I'm slowly reclaiming my secure attachment again and becoming a better version of myself. I've also forgiven the avoidant, it's not their fault they are like this but it's their responsibility to fix their issues. I will always cherish the great time we had but that time is over and it's time to move on and become more resilient to this emotional manipulation. Ignoring others is childish behavior, it's cowardice.
I've been the anxious one in some relationships, but also avoidant in other relationships. I really think it depends on not only the personalities but also time and place for those involved. It means that there is a mismatch in needs. People also grow apart due to changing needs, some faster and some slower. As some have already said it, good communication is the key to treat the anxious-avoidant relationship, or to end it sooner than later. What are the things you two want from each other? What are your goals in life? Can you reach them together? Honesty, rationale and respectful discussion are the only real medicine.
I feel like I'm a combination of both. Lately I've been very anxious and wanted to be around people all the time. But doing so also sometimes makes me feel overwhelmed, and I feel like I'm neglecting my alone time too much. I've been both before in relationships at different times.
Uh.. So where's the actual "help" if you're in a relationship like this and want to make it work? Being informed of toxicity isn't putting helpful perspectives ahead of "give it up already" views. :/
They said that it's just an informative video, if you're looking for relationship advice from a 5 minute youtube video I think you may need to look somewhere else. They're just trying to spread information to encourage people to seek help. Every relationship is different and fixes problems in different ways, the only real reliable piece of advice that they could have given is to just have good communication with your partner.
I am aware what was stated in the video. However, the video put a "toxicity" spinn in the end, which definately actively pushes it away from the "help" angle. You cannot put out videos like this and not expect people to enterpret them as giving out advice, one way or another, if they identify with the content - no matter how many disclaimers you attach to it.
Quimper111 yea I feel u on this , I’m the avoidant. 2 days ago I did said “ stop crying “ towards her and I feel as if I broke her. When the video said it’s toxic & hard to fix it just give me this feeling that damn maybe this isn’t it. Idk how to become secure and it’s haunting me daily. I want my girlfriend to feel loved and not alone. If u guys have links / resources for becoming and having a secure attachment style from being avoidant please comment down below. Thanks in advance. Also to the anxious, as avoidants do feel. We feel ur pain, we have feelings but it’s one hell of a task to share them or speak on them. We care even though it seems like we don’t care.
i find this instagram account quite informative: instagram.com/millennial.therapist/, it might also be time to try apps with cbt like woebot as there's usually issues we don't know how to bring up when feeling anxious or we avoid it but in both cases it builds up. cbt helps build healthier conversations to learn from so we can express boundaries and know what makes each other happy.
@@Psych2go It really helped me figure out one of my past relationships, since I was anxious and she was avoidant, but I love almost all of your videos💙
I WANT TO CRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS AVOIDANT AND I AM SO BAD ANXIOUS TYPE ....I JUST REALISE THESE LAST MONTHS WE BROKE UP because we didn't understand each other and we felt both suffocated i feel so bad because I wanted so much to work!
Uh, yep! So I (the anxious partner) completely pulls out of pursuing the relationship only to find that he (avoidant partner) begins to pursue me again. NOW I am confused! After this happens a few times, I'm beginning to lose that "loving feeling" that drew us to one another in the first place.
Same! My bf is an avoidant which can be extremely avoidant and im the anxious but midly anxious as i can be avoidant too. But when im the anxious pulls away, then he the avoidant will started to geta closer to me. Such a confusion and how long shud it be like that ughh
I have been wondering if there’s going to be a video of how tell if your crush likes you in 2020. For middle school/high school. Thank you for all these tips and information. This is a great channel. Keep up the good work
Yeah, was definitely in that sort of relationship, in which I was the avoidant person and my girlfriend was the anxious person. I guess I was conflicted by liking her but also not wanting to commit to something that I wasn't sure would last; it would make losing us harderSince quarrantine though, I've been kicking myself for avoiding her, as, not being able to see her for the past 6 months, I really underestimated how great the time we had was. We still keep in touch online, but I'm really hoping to, if she's still interested, to try again once lockdown is all over.
I broke up with my boyfriend today. I'm the anxious one and he's the avoidant. I didn't want to end this, but every time that I ask for closure he says I'm being needy.... I'll miss him 😕
It's been 13 years...I feel stuck... Everytime i try to leave she grips her claws into me and pulls me back... With sone grand promise things will get better...playing with my emotions... Then she shuts down for months Says I'm not doing enough... I carry the financial load and often the cleanliness of the house.... It's been 13 years.... I think I had enough. It's really strange when I hit my breaking point videos about my relationship started popping up... I didn't know what was wrong with us but now it's so black and white.... I have to leave... I'm sorry if you stumble across this I really loved you Holding on Is just starting to hurt to much I want to feel fulfilled I'm tired if going through the motions and every few months big fights pop up... I'm sorry.... I really did love you and wanted to give you the world.... Holding on just hurts... I'm not sure if I belivie in a god... But one day I broke down in prayer tired of the hurt...wishing she would leave me I would rather hurt for a few years then go through the rest of my life feeling numb.... Then songs on the radio about having to leave popped up more often, videos like this popped up to explain what is wrong and that there's not much hope... If there is a God It's like he heard me and is giving me the tools and strength to finally walk away.... I hope when I do... She is safe and protected Stops shutting down and truly lives her life to the fullest.... All year, after coming back again I saw memes, tik toks about letting go and moving to find yourself.. I chose to ignore them... Now im questioning where those all signs because I made a mistake.... It's strange last time I left... I sat there crying saying I didn't wanna go but I knew it was right.... I almost felt a presence, like a hand went on my shoulder and a voice in my head said "Kyle it's time to go" God have you been trying to guide me this whole time...
My relationship is definitely like that I'm the anxious one and my gf is avoidant. We take a look at things from our perspective at first so I always used some kind of method to get emotionally close to her which of course wouldn't solve the problem. Now I backed up objectively looking at the situation and there is only on solution coming to my head (since I've been too much lately she probably got a little bit tired) I'll distance myself. It will seem strange she'll start wondering then she'll get anxious because she might think I don't want to be with her anymore and she'll get closer. When I'm sure she's not as cold anymore I'll get close too. If she gets distant again I will be more prepared next time. Hope it works. Now someone might question why try so hard? Why let go of your own style for a short period of time just to be with someone who is so different and makes you feel even depressed sometimes? My answer is the fact that this is happening right now dosent mean it's always like this we offer attention to all the negatives so much that we forget the beautiful moments yes even with 2 different people I've experienced so many with her. You just gotta win their trust many times instead of one. That's my perspective ig I'm not a specialist or whatever I'm not even sure if it's going to work. Have a happy life everyone and remember to appreciate the beautiful moments and not lose your time and mind thinking about the difficult periods. Good luck!
So do I. I’ve been in this relationship once, where I was the anxious and It went bad. Now I’m in one of this again and I’m trying to leste to be confidend and less needy before it all happens again
Anyone else terrified of divorce? My parents went through a divorce and now it's one of my biggest fears. Only like 1/4 of people get married and stay married. Half of people never get married, and half of married couples divorce. There's about a 50% chance of me facing a huge fear of mine. Fantastic.
My parents are divorced and I’m an anxious person XD. I feared all the things that have to do with the break up... but I learned, to let go of my stress and to not think about the future (because when you’re anxious, you have mind’s illusions that are not real). You have to think about the present because you cannot say what’s going to happen + we fear what we already have live (Sorry for the mistakes, I’m french)
@@beatlesjude7313 You're English was really good! Totally fooled me. And yes, I agree. I have tons of anxiety and it's hard not to think about the future. That's a good reminder, I really needed that. Thank you!
To all who read this, you are loved, You are appreciated, You are Divine, Never forget you have the power within to Change and shift your life. There is a version of you right now in a different reality smashing it ⭐⚡💫 You are not your addictions or flaws, raise your frequency and your life will Dramatically change for the better 🙏 I just done a video on this for those who are Ready for it 💜 If your reading this then that is a Sign that you are 🔮
Are you interested in any other relationship dynamics that you would like to see? Also, we recently did a video to promote awareness about hidden borderline personality disorder. Please help share it!
Yez.
;w;
Make the leaf guys chubby and short it makes it cute uwu
Nice video, keep it up !
Im trying to think of something funny to comment ok
I am transgender guy
And i am proud🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
Important thing to note: anxious-avoidant relationships are not always toxic or incompatible. The important thing is healthy communication, respect and understanding.
Agreed
I agree. I’m in that kind of relationship + I am the anxious one and I’m seeing a therapist. It’a true that our need don’t match sometimes. But I learned to ne more independent and we learn to communicate
@@beatlesjude7313 yes, I am AP before when my bf AD deactivated me, so what I did is I improved myself, heal my core wound, love myself, find my value and worth. Do exercise and hiking with group friends. Improve my self-esteem and be independent without my bf. I gave him space while I am improving myself. Now I am 90% SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE. With the help of my Personal Development School.
Thank you for sharing this! In the end, what we need is self-awareness and to understand why we behave the way we do! Do you have any tips on how to communicate better in an anxious-avoidant relationship?
@@Psych2go thank you :D ! The first thing is to understand is that we are truly different and that we don't want to do bad things to each other (for example : I don't want my partner to suffocate, and he don't want to abandon me).
The moment some people tells me they like me, I just wonder how long it will takes until they lose interest in me.
We know the feeling :'(
This reads exactly like that on 16Personalities question, don't ask why I know that.
Yep I feel that because they want something out of me or don’t try to understand me that’s why I avoid conflicts but I learn to work things out conflict or no conflict
I do this too. Whenever I meet new people and we’re getting on well, I think to myself “This isn’t going to last very long. But I wonder how long? Before they leave” then I’ll guess. Sometimes I’m spot on :/
Every relationship.
I've had an 18 month, 1 month and 6 month relationships. I suspect the first one only lasted so long because were codependant (partly why she ended it).
This was my last long term relationship. I was the avoidant and she was the anxious. It did not end well. It's been 3 years and it still eats me up about how much I neglected her when all she wanted was to feel loved. Taught me a lot about myself
This sound so egotistical but I still dream of the day my ex DA learns about this and she apologizes for all the harm
In my end I did apologize as I realized how horrible I was during relationship, but I don't think she ever did, and I doubt she ever realized how hurtful she was to me
I think my partner of now 8 months is an avoidant, any advice on how to show him that it’s okey to communicate and feel loved without overwhelming him, i’m ready to give it my all before considering giving up, since you’re avoidant i wanted to hear an advice from you
My last long term ended like that to, except I was the anxious one. You seem like a kind person, and it sounds like you are trying to be a better person.
Maybe reaching out to her might help both of you. It would give you a chance to explain some things. I do hope you are doing well though
@@kevina12 That isn't egotistical, but what you're doing is keeping a scorecard which can be very harmful. If you focus on who wronged who and keep a tally, the you wind up building resentment and if you establish yourself the victim then it can mess with your self esteem. The most healthy thing you can do is learn to forgive others, otherwise maintaining an unsettled score can lead to greater depression, anger and bitterness.
@@kevina12 i used to be very anxious with my ex. i actually apologized years later. hope you get that closure 🥺
“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.”
-Charles Spurgeon
Ain't that the truth
I don’t get it
Solomaster. Anti.Jublieetards no u
Jesus wow
The only good thing that guy ever said
Encourage openness 👇- but don't push it. People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They're also immensely terrified by it. You can encourage them to talk about what they're feeling or what fears they sense, but don't be aggressive.
Yes. 100% true:)
Great tip!
I can feel that..👍
How to start a relationship with someone who fears intimacy? How to even start a conversation that leads to talking about it? I've come to a dead end with avoidant person and I don't know what to do. Unfortunately I'm not ready give up and let go...
@@the_stem The trick is to be available, yourself, without smothering them... Allow them the space they seem to need, and try to reward them (often with discretion) when they do open up a little...
"Discretion is the better part of valor." ~It's an old proverb...
Discretion, is the virtue of being "discrete", even secretive about things that are personal. MOSTLY, it can be covered with "The virtue of keeping your d*** mouth shut." Not for nothing, here, but nowadays, with the peak of the information age and social media creating a frenzy of over-published (and mostly uninteresting) drama-seeking individuals, nobody seems to be able to keep anything to themselves... Discretion is FAST becoming a "lost skill".
It's not easy to allow someone their "personal space" all the time, but remaining "emotionally available" all the same... Some days, it really sucks. It's not often rewarding, and it gets tempting to shut-down or "cut your losses"... even resent them this need for personal space so much. You can't start "using the stick" or "punishing them" for not participating on your schedule... That will lose all the progress you make... almost on the spot.
Nonjudgmental rewards aren't much easier... BUT it's the way to go. When you realize the "avoidant person" is opening up to you, put aside your personal feelings about whatever they're telling you and just be emotionally available for them. Reward them for the effort. Understand it's difficult for them... It's terrifying to trust someone so much. THEN understand you've also essentially agreed to a social contract (spoken or otherwise) with them. You'll take whatever they told you to your grave. You'll never EVER joke about it, ridicule it (no matter how silly), or repeat it (no matter how juicy)... Again, that sort of behavior (for any reason) will lose you whatever progress you've made... near instantly.
Unfortunately, there's little to no way of prying someone's personal stuff out of them. It's kind of like sex, in that you can't really force it to work. That would be tantamount to rape... SO "consent... Consent... CONSENT." This is just the emotional equivalent. ;o)
You should make a video on how anxious avoidant relationships can work on meeting each other’s needs to actually function and grow. It can happen. It is just rare.
Affection makes me want to run away and yet I crave for it.
Yes, that's one of the best ways to describe this.
It feels so good to know that there are people that feel the same way as you
So are you anxious or avoidant?
Who else randomly found Pysch2Go one day and has been watching ever since?
Didn't we all 🥺👉🏼👈🏼
Well, me and people I know.
meee :)
Me
Me
Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution. Always seek help 🖖
Why do avoidant people heavily pursue the anxious partner only to avoid them once they have them. Absolutely insane.
Because they are still at the -safe- distance that way.
@@dunjapaj8849 but it’s cruel and bizarre.
@@bouncybutterfly7753 I know, I agree.
They operate on a completely different emotional operating system apparently. They way they think, feel, and act is on a subconscious level.
@@bouncybutterfly7753 its not like we do it on purpose???
Signs. People with fearful avoidant attachment may show signs like: stormy, highly emotional relationships. conflicting feelings about relationships (both wanting a romantic relationship and being fearful of being hurt or left by a significant other)
Oh my..people please do speak out when in relationship to clarify, ty!🌞
I'm a secure turned anxious due to my most recent relationship. Yes I do fear abandonment and rejection like this clip suggests but that is only because the avoidant never communicated how they felt or what they wanted, therefore I was often left in the dark trying to decipher their moods and feelings despite them saying, "I'm fine."
The one time my avoidant detailed to me that they needed space - I remember feeling happy. Not because they wanted to be alone for a few days, but because they explained what they wanted, how long they wanted it for and what the plan was. That reasurred me, made me feel settled and I was able to give them the space and time they needed.
It's really not that hard, well in my case anyway.
This was me too. My ex would say everything is fine and then get mad when I asked for constant reassurance because my intuition knew everything wasn't fine. Then he finally admitted he was "torn" for literally no reason, he didn't give one about our relationship. So I made up his mind for him. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with me.
In the dark is the best way to describe it. I try very hard to be secure but when I feel that pull away, especially after intimate bonding, I become very anxious. And I try to communicate it, because I don’t need the ulcer I just need an answer or for them to at least ponder what is going on. But I’ll cut ties just as quickly now seeing the signs over and over. I don’t smother but I do have needs and they’ve always, historically, gone carelessly impeded with. I’ve become more cautious than anxious but the anxious will come out if I’m in the dark with literally no communication or openness or honesty. I’ve also learned it’s ok to expect things to be acknowledged, if they can’t it’s not the shortcoming of the anxious, that’s something for the avoidant to work on for their own betterment
@@Alixir1228 Good for you. We don't need people in our lives who don't know whether or not they want to stay. Either make your mind up, or I'll make it up for you.
I hope you got rid of that person
@private_recruit4165 Absolutely. A lot of people become anxious because of avoidant people. No communication, always indecisive, always flaky. The list goes on. I'd never do it again. Ever.
The list:
1:10 1. Feelings of Suffocation
1:38 2. Feelings of Abandonment
2:06 3. Concern Over The Relationship Being One-Sided
2:34 4. Feelings of Instability
3:07 5. Emotional Toxicity
My ex was the avoidant while I was the anxious. We were struggling to understand each other for months with this push and pull emotional effect. When I found out about this attachment theory style, I was really amazed and shared this with my ex.
We both came to understand about our attachment styles but while I was trying to patiently guide him through the process of making him open up his feelings and vulnerability (I was already in terms with my own anxiousness and was doing fine), he just refused to let me in to his life and from time to time when there was emotional arguments, he would say things to hurt me. So, I had enough and decided I deserve so much better than dealing with all these emotional shit especially with him who doesn't want to work on himself and the relationship.
Moral of the story, to all anxious people out there, dump the fucking partner who doesn't want to work on the relationship or themselves to be a better person in the relationship despite knowing what attachment style they are. They don't deserve shit!
Yes people think it gets better but it really doesn’t. Imagine staying in a relationship where you can’t show love. That some BS. Im done with my DA ex girlfriend too. She cause so much damage and hurt and I wanted was communication. It’s not worth it. Drains your energy. Relationships should make you better not worst…. People on here so hopeful but they’re wasting their time
@@joev7014 I agree. Specially dismissive avoidants, they are the most resistant to never ever change anything about themselves, they just want you to change. If they aren't willing to sacrifice a tiny bit of independance for you, there's not much they will be doing for you, like ever. They should be the ones avoided, it's just more healthy for the rest of us that way.
You anxious people aren't exactly a blast to deal with either. I befriended a guy who was anxiously attached and I never had so much stress and difficulty in my life just trying to get along with someone. I had always found the guy clingy and overbearing but the breaking point came when he showed up uninvited in the middle of my sex life and stayed there. He had the brilliant idea of trying to find me a girlfriend without being asked to do so. He saw a girl working at a movie rental place near his house and thought she would be a great girlfriend for me.
When he first mentioned her to me, I just saw it as an unwelcome intrusion into a private and deeply personal area. For one thing, I was unemployed at the time. The last thing I wanted or needed was to go on a date and have someone ask me what I did for a living. Anyway, it ticked me off that this guy was trying to involve himself in my private life. As I saw it, someone who'd been alive for 43 years should've learned how to mind his own business. On top of that, I told the guy that I'd been without adult supervision since I was 12 years old and basically raised myself. My mother died when I was a baby. I was raised by my maternal grandmother but she died a few weeks before I turned 13 and after that, I lived with my father who was a drunk who spent all his free time in bars. I'd been making my own decisions and not answering to anyone since I was 12. I knew within days of giving this guy my number that his clinginess was going to be a problem, so I tried to tell the guy that I was very independent. I told him I was "fiercely independent", which I was, in those exact words, so I thought he should know that I was someone who wouldn't want him or anyone else meddling in my affairs. I was almost 28 and had some creep I barely knew trying to choose my girlfriends for me.
Well, to make a long story short, this so-called friend of mine was very hurt and offended that I didn't want such "help" and he made a point of regurgitating this puke every 6 months until I got so fed up with him that I terminated the relationship. Two years of being persecuted and harassed because I didn't want some creep I barely knew trying to choose my girlfriends for me. And two years of being hassled because I didn't accept a favor I didn't want and never asked for.
@@meatwad1 But unlike dismissive avoidants, who the majority refuse to see anything wrong or change for the better, they would rather not even if it's not for their family, friends, and partner, but just for themselves. Most anxious preoccupied people once they learn about their attachment style do try to change and a lot of us are successful.
To me it sounds like you are the general dismissive avoidant, rather than actually working on yourself to have a better relationship you would rather push all the blame to one person. Afraid of taking accountability and more focused on the victim mentality.
Hey if you wanna focus on the avoidant cycle of shit relationships and constant negative thoughts about others, you do you pal. Just remember when you point a finger at someone else you have 3 of your own fingers pointing back at you, don't forget that you're the one causing all this pain and suffering to yourself.
@@StuffSayoSays I am a dismissive avoidant and I can easily see that you're an anxiously attached person by the nasty, overemotional and accusatory nature of your comment to me. I don't have "constant negative thoughts about others" but I have plenty of negative thoughts about the guy I was talking about. No one--whether they were a dismissive avoidant or a securely attached person--would have wanted this guy intruding into their private life or persecuting them for 2 years for hurting his feelings. The guy was an intrusive, domineering and overemotional jerk. Sorry. That guy would still be all of those things regardless of whether I'm a dismissive avoidant or not and no one would be able to tolerate him or anyone like him.
My avoidant ex turned me into a secure avoidant. I know it’s not a thing perse, but i learned from her that self love is the only way.
Friends leave you, girl/boyfriends leave you, your parents will one day, but you, youll be stuck with you forever. Find a way to love you, itll be a long ride.
Yo, avoidants dismiss their own feelings
This is so true. Be so safe loving yourself so unconditionally, that even if people leave, there's always someone who's there to love you and take care of you- and that person is YOU YOURSELF.
Reminds me of myself and my best mate. She's anxious, I'm avoident. We've learned to state our boundaries, and let each other know what we're feeling. She understands that I need a lot of space, and I understand that she needs validation and someone to talk to. It's difficult at times but we love each other all the same.
what boundaries if I may ask?:)
@@MariePsuui We mostly try to communicate with eachother these days about what we need. I let her know when I don't want to talk, and still try to see her regularly. We understand better that we have different needs. We don't blame ourselves or each other if we're clear about why we do what we do
You’re a sociopath for “needing lots of space,” just fyi
I want intimacy and love the most yet I wanna hide and avoid everyone, if that makes sense
Yes, that goes without saying ;"(
Me too!
Yes.
Perfect sense
Yes
“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
-Arthur Somers Roche
mood
@@drifterduckygaming4646 LOOOOOLLLLL
Oh my goodness the drawings are just the most adorable things 🥺✨
I thought it was just me who thought that. They are the cutest drawings ever
god, that anxious character was me.....
I’m the opposite
I see. What do you plan to do next to heal from it?
Me too..
@@Psych2go i am a work in progress!
same
I am anxious-preoccupied + a little fearful-avoidant. My boyfriend is dismissive avoidant. We have been together for 10 years now. Has it been wonderful most of the time? No. Have we grown more as people and learnt from another since we have known each other? Heck yeah. I have tried to become more spontaneous and try to understand that things in life don't matter as much as I think they do and that people don't hate me and that they probably don't think too much of me anyway to hate me, which always is one of my fears. That I need to trust my partner and his need for space and his space from the relationship.
He has learnt to communicate better and tries to listen to his body and his feelings more. He used to say that everything was fine, and that he was never mad. Now he can say more often that he has some kind of emotion.
We clash a lot. Life is like that. People don't fit perfectly. I hate it when I always hear that Avoidant/Anxious relationships are doomed, because they are not. It just takes knowledge and work.
Can u pls tell me what u did to make it work
You don't sound happy. No thanks.
Any avoidant person will make a secure attachment person become Anxious attachment.
These videos are so eye-opening. So many things I’ve never heard of before. Thanks for sharing!
Np! Hope you learned a lot! :)
And every step along the way, you learn to know yourself better.
I was in such an relationship, being the avoidant one, she wanted me to watch such videos and learn from it but I was too hardheaded, I thought showing love in my way would be enough (gifts, trips, time) but it wasn’t, now we broke up. It opened my eyes though, I needed a slap on my face, learning a lot now
this definitely can happen in friendships too; I recently broke friends with someone who I'd considered my best friend for 10 years. I'm anxious and they're avoidant, but I only found that out recently - I kept desperately trying to reach out and hold onto that friendship when I realised they were pulling away, not realising that they felt like I was a burden and hadn't considered me as their friend for years. It completely blindsided me, I was furious- I AM furious, with them and partly with myself too. But now I'm learning more about these kinds of relationships, and it's all starting to make sense. It ended horribly but I hope one day I can be at peace with it.
I'm usually the avoidant. As the relationship starts to develop I feel the need to built up walls around me as if I was being attacked. On the other hand I can get too emotionally intimate too quickly and scare the other away from me.
I see. Thank you for sharing this with us. What do you plan to do next about this situation?
@@Psych2go I started this summer to be more friendly and intimate with my current friends (hugging, helping, baking for them etc.). With new acquaintances or not so close friends I try to be at the very beginning be more relaxed and open with my thoughts too.
I'm not anymore too scared or confused with new or old people as much as I was last year. My regular though helps me with insecurities: "This is who I am and I cannot get any better for the upcoming moment."
When you are truthful to others they tend to cooperative with you.
I just wonder why avoidants want to be in relationship and are the one who chase you and lovebomb you when they don't share feelings later or don't like to talk about feelings and are emotionally cold, when relationships are all about feelings?
@@intuitivevibes1818 People are different and in my point of view it's usually a trust issue. If I don't trust the other one to be silent about my inner feelings then I become distant. Time, same activities and being close with another is key to building trust.
Bottom line this type of relationship is predestined to end terribly.
Ahahaha This perfectly describes my relationship that just ended a couple weeks back. I still miss him so much, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be in the long run. Anxious love style squad, where ya at??
Same here.
💁🏻♀️
I feel you. Mine's three weeks ago.
@@thejar_dly Awww I’m so sorry! 🥺 I hope you heal soon 😔
Thanks, same to you.
@@thejar_dly ty UwU
I’m the avoidant. 2 days ago I did said “ stop crying “ towards her and I feel as if I broke her. When the video said it’s toxic & hard to fix it just give me this feeling that damn maybe this isn’t it. Idk how to become secure and it’s haunting me daily. I want my girlfriend to feel loved and not alone. If u guys have links / resources for becoming and having a secure attachment style from being avoidant please comment down below. Thanks in advance. Also to the anxious, as avoidants do feel. We feel ur pain, we have feelings but it’s one hell of a task to share them or speak on them. We care even though it seems like we don’t care. We just need to find a healthier way of showing that we do.
read the book “attached” by amir levine and rachel heller. it helped me lots in understanding the waters between my potential partner (avoidant) and i (anxious). and when he pops the question (and it’s going to be him because avoidants tends to steer the relationship while the anxious person abides. that’s the case with us), i’ll propose to him the concept of attachment styles and how we have to work towards being secure and grow together if he wants me to be his girlfriend. maybe you could ask your girlfriend to do the same. sorry for bad english. cheers
The first and the most important step is to be willing to make the effort to change. It's a difficult process but when there is love between you, it's definitely worth the effort from both sides. After all we are not as different as we may seem. I think we still want, need and fear the same things, but unfortunately we have built different coping mechanisms... I think that that's what drew us together on a first place. I feel it like we are two sides of the same coin. 💔
Also "the secure relationship" instagram
Adam lane Smith
Adam lane smith. The best teacher on youtube for avoidant men who want to change
I' m not anxious but I have dealt with an avoidant, never again lesson learned and for those of you that say avoidants need/ want Love to yes may be so but what they really need is therapy before they ruin someone else, avoidants are damaging.
My biggest complaint with any Aviodant is when you open-up having a history of heart break. And they just dismiss these as being Melodramatic
Being clingy stems from a long hassel of being rejected so many times. You just want to give up on Relationships. Unless the Anxious has further issues dealing with then being simply Codedepent. Don't assume them to be annoying
That's very generalising. The people who've hurt you have done so because they were abusive and lacked empathy, not because they were avoidant.
This is my current relationship. I’m the avoidant and my bf is the anxious. He gets upset when I don’t text him back and I get upset when he constantly hangs all over me or wants to discuss feelings. We’ve had discussions about how different we are about showing our love for each other so we can understand each other better. We’ve been together for over a year but recently moved in together. I hope our differences don’t become toxic and we end up hating each other.
Thank you for sharing this with us. How do you plan to meet each other halfway?
Avoidant person here. I've had a series of anxious attachment style people persue me before I knew what this style was and after my last relationship failed due to just these reasons I was able to identify these things in therapy. When I fell into this pattern again in my new relationship, I brought it up to my new partner and we worked on identifying our traits together and have made it work. I became less avoidant and developed a healthy attachment style. Its only toxic if you are actively engaging in toxic behavioral patterns that hurt the other person, and you can recover and reach secure attachment. Not all anxious avoidant relationships are doomed if you two understand and empathize with one another and heal your wounds.
Thank you for this, video was very informative but ended on a pretty depressing note
thanx for sharing. You are giving me some hope... despite the recent break up and urgent need of therapy for my FA gf who just broke my heart, slowly getting out of the relationship emotionally... after intense Love Bombing! I know one thing for sure: if at all the 2 of us are to reunite, it will take many months of therapy on her side (been 3 years as far as I am concerned) to reach a decent level of Secure attachment. Sobs. Sigh.
You are both so welcome. As of these years later, I am successfully with my person still and we are still healthy with this! We have encountered bumps in the road where both of us see ourselves starting to slip into old behaviors bur it's that choice of new behavior every single time no matter how hard life is... that's the key.
I will never have this type of relationship ever again. I used to have an anxious attachment style and I dated someone with an avoidant style and it was the worst!!! And to top it off he was emotionally unavailable. I will never go through that hell again.
Me too..
@@whitneytravels REALLLL
This happened with my failed talking stage, I think I started off as secure but his actions made me anxious. He liked that I was chilled and not clingy. We live in different cities and I could tell he liked that space. The anxiety started when he would talk to his female friends all the time, but seemed to not want to do that with me. Whenever I brought up emotions and wanted to have meaningful conversations, he would say guys don't do that. He drained me during lockdown, I really wanted to make it work but in the end he distanced himself and asks me if its fizzled out. I said guess so, but he still wants to stay friends and we still message occasionally. I think he keeps me around for validation purposes.
It’s unfortunate, I’ve notice with the avoidant type they probably need more validation than the anxious type and go through to the channel of “preserving friendships” after the fact but that’s also manipulative. I have experienced this way too many times and I simply got to the point where it’s absolutely not fair.
why am I watching this when I'm not in any relationship such as this"
I'm weird...
we can be together weird
Same :')
Well its good to educate yourself about these things.
Most people learn from experience but some people can't have experiences like these because of limited social interaction. I'm one of them. It's great to learn about these things because it's crucial for our future relationships.
date meeee
Im not either, but this can also apply for friendships i assume. Me and my best friend might have this kind of anxious-avoident relationship so i guess it useful even if you're single ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I dont even have a relationship and im watching this...
We are always preparing ourselves :)
It can happen in any relationships including friendships, I have had past friends who have suffocated me a bit but I've tried to be very patient and nice bc I'm scared of them thinking I don't like them anymore and it's draining me..
It’s good to stay educated 😊
I knew my relationship was like this, unfortunately we weren't able to work it out since he is the avoidant one in the relationship, he misunderstood me as clingy and promptly broke up with me. I tried to get closure a couple months after but he didn't want to, especially since our relationship ended in a weird incomplete way full of misunderstandings. Sorry for getting personal but I'm glad you made this video and I hope people can be more aware of these kinds of situations...
Same thing happening right now to myself and my avoidant ex. Any updates?
Updates??
UPDATE: i got over him and am now in a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend even tho its long distance atm, he is very caring and helps me talk through my problems and we address every issue to solve them, im very happy now where i am :)
@@froggyj0814 nice to hear that!! good luck to you :)
@@froggyj0814 is your new boyfriend anxiously attached?
I’d love to see videos of fearful and dismissive avoidant relationship signs! Thank you for the amazing content!
I'm the anxious one, we just had the break up and I looked online everywhere where our relationship went wrong. I now am confident I know the answer. I'm the anxious one and I should deal with my anxiety more. She is the avoidant one and should learn to communicate more. Unfortunately she really doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And Everytime I do she just doesn't seem to care. I should stop talking to her, it's a boundary she gave me. I just keep having false hope that we could fix this, and try to convince her that there's hope.
Any updates?
Trust me bro, Avoidants are better to be blocked forever
It doesn't have to be a toxic relationship just because you have different needs/attachment styles.
You just have to have a good communication with your partner to get your needs met & speak up whenever you feel anxious or suffocated in a relationship.
That way, you clear things up before your mind rushes away with your thoughts & turns the problems into a story that doesn't match the facts.
Speak up to feel better, or you will forever suffer in your silence.
it's so weird because I recently found out that I had fearful avoidant attachment and I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about it.
I relate to both individuals in this sort of relationship and so it feels like constant confusion and conflict in my head.
To ask about this attachment style go to FB page Personal Development School and join their. You can resonate a lot of attachment styles with their experience.
I feel you
I get that 😌
Fearful avoidant is a mix of both. Not easy to live with it.
You sound like my ex. Overthinking everything to the point.of pushing me away and sabotaging the relationship.
I’m an introvert and my partner is an avoidant. I need my space just like he does. The problem is the lack of communication. We aren’t in an official relationship but we are consistent with spending time with each other every weekend. I’ve learned to just go with the flow regarding him. I feel in love with him but realized that I couldn’t be with him everyday as I would need to recharge. It drains me to be around people all the time. We had a talk one day. He seems to think he is an introvert. I told him that he isn’t. I just haven’t told him what he is. I told him that I love him. I thought that would push him away. He continues to come back. When we’re together he is very affectionate. When we are apart I don’t hear from him during the week unless I initiate contact. I absolutely enjoy the time I spend with him. He is the most wonderful man I’ve ever been with. It feels like a curse on him being an avoidant and I hate it. But I’m not going anywhere.😢
I am not even in a relationship, but just thinking about having a relationship with someone gives me anxiety
Same and I’m in a relationship-
I see. What do you fear most when it comes to relationships?
Dear anxious and avoidant people, its not your fault. Your upbringing, biology, life experiences all blurred your image of love. As one of you myself (avoidant), I realize now that I don't hate myself, those like me, or those struggling with anxious attachment. I've ended several friendships because they were built on the unstable house of cards that anxious-avoidant thinking patterns. I don't hate any of those people because while we did hurt each other deeply, we only know what we have learned and been taught, especially in childhood. All anxious and avoidant beliefs stem from not seeing ourselves as lovable because we never learned what love even means. We were given only half of the love we needed because our parents, caregivers, or others in our young lives didn't even know what love meant - so how can we blame them or ourselves? Its not an excuse of their actions or our own, but a shift in perception from hating ourselves, our parents, friends or whomever we have been blaming all this time - to the power we have to see ourselves as lovable, worthy, and good enough despite our mistakes. So, as difficult as the journey that lies before us is ahead - the journey of learning that we are lovable and also what love exactly means to us - it is a journey worth struggling for because we all know that's something we truly want. Its also something others have achieved though difficult, so we don't need to lose hope. Anyway, some will disagree or be pained by this. Some will agree and be encouraged. That's okay. I just hope that one day we can all overcome these anxious-avoidant patterns.
Good speech this gives me hope my partner is avoidant we live in other countries I at time's want to give up on her we don't even talk much at all I was anxious but am more secure now and I know I'm not asking for too much just consistent commutation which any healthy relationship has hopefully she comes around but even if she doesn't I know it has more to do with her then it does me I definitely deserve love and respect and consistency
This video is such a coincidence, because it’s something I’ve been working on due to my past relationships. Every single time I’ve allowed my partners space, they’ve broken up with me, so I’ve decided to fix it in my current relationship by being too clingy. My partner isn’t avoidant, but I’ve still looked up ways to help him by correcting myself. I realized I stopped doing things I’ve enjoyed as much to spend time with them constantly and now I’ve been trying to keep my distance. It’s really hard, but spending my time doing hobbies I used to enjoy is really helping and making time pass by. It’s also a great way to relieve stress, because I’ve been stressed by college. It’s also giving me more of a sense of individuality that is liberating :)
I’m in a avoidant-anxious relationship but we know it. when we fight it’s hard because I’m the anxious one and he (the avoidant) always want to go... But he helps me to ne indépendant. It’s hard for we me to let go of my stress and to focus on myself, but at least it’s better for both of us.
I don’t know of this relationship gonna last but I can say that if we both knowing that we are in a anxious/avoidant relationship, we can understand the other
(Sorry for the mistakes, I’m french)
Beatles Jude definitely! Just knowing is the first step. Just look up some ways to become less clingy and it can help (that’s what I did at least). It will be very hard to be less dependent on him (trust me, I know I’ve been struggling so much recently about it), but it will be better to make the relationship stronger. Good luck!! (And you’re English is good, I can understand it well!)
Xanescent Thank you 😃
wow this gave me so much insight to why i think my girlfriend is sometimes “needy” and why it makes me want to be more distant. i have more understanding for our relationship and can strengthen it from here 💛
I relate to this form of relationship. And it stems back from my childhood trauma.
I'm glad I found this channel, I'm using most of these relationship styles to my book.
My relationship of 3 years is like this exactly and I feel like we both can’t get a understanding of one another and me and my bf sat down and really talked and communicated and decided we will try to work us out . I’m the anxious attachment - I will be more understanding , respectful , understand boundaries, and have more fun put more thought into things my partner likes and have daily check ins with one another . My bf the avoidant attachment - will learn to communicate , understand our love language , try to be more intimate which he has improved greatly on, appreciate the little things , give me reassurance , daily check ins with one another , say things to each other like thank you or I acknowledge this (this allows us to know that what we’re doing is not going unnoticed making us feel valued) . We really hope things work out . It’s only been about a week with us inputting these new things into the relationship but we hope things feel better in the relationship and be end up lasting as we both don’t want to lose one another and lose the 3 years together . Any other advice I would highly appreciate. ❤️
Your video makes MORE sense than other video on Anxious-Avoidant.
Man, I'm in a friendship that's almost exactly like this. But instead of talking about it, it sorta just hangs in the air- the other showing endless affection to me, and myself being quite uncomfortable whenever I'm overly clung onto and told affectionate words to.
thanks! this is probably the best video I've seen that makes me understand what was going on a lot better. More to learn and focus on, and remember so that I never make these mistakes again.
I love this unique art/animation style~💕
I don't have any relationship still watching this to see your animation and voice..💖💖
Im myself anxious partner in our relationship..
Anxious side needs to work on the anxieties that one have and the other needs to work on their avoidance issues.
Know that you and your partner are the two sides of the same coin, there's no need for blame and accusations. Just communication, understanding and problem solving together as a team.
Good luck everyone with dealing with this type of relationship problems! Its possible to sort it all out with time, effort, energy and willingness to do so.
Yeah. I'm definitely anxious and I'm quite sure my girlfriend is avoidant. Thanks for the video. I used to think that in a relationship, both partners are willing to be with each other no matter what and the more amount of time we spent together means the more love and commitment we each are feeling. But now I realized that, when my partner asks for more space and it's not because she doesn't love me, but because she needs time to process her emotions/feelings/goals/life. I should be more confident about our relationship. We totally love each other's company when spending time together. So I need base my confidence on that, and not on the fact that I feel unloved when my partner says she's busy with other things/friends and claims to be too busy to be with me.
I finally have found something that explains how I feel during relationships and now that I know how to express it, I can finally fix myself, thank you for making it easier and helping me move on from who I was 💙
i’d like to advise people to read the book “attached” by amir levine and rachel heller. it helped me lots in understanding the waters between my potential partner (avoidant) and i (anxious). and when he pops the question (and it’s going to be him because avoidants tend to steer the relationship while the anxious person abides. that’s the case with us), i’ll propose to him the concept of attachment styles and how we have to work towards being secure and grow together if he wants me to be his girlfriend. sorry for bad english. cheers love
I really ship sunflower and strawberry hope they'll figure things out soon 🌻❤️ 🍓
I found out at therapy that I was in fact in such a relationship, and from that moment something shifted and I worked on my anxious attachment style and had a better understanding about why my partner is the way he is and for a while our relationship got way better... it did not last because while I gave him the freedom and space he needed, he only took that for granted and it all blew up in my face, because he did not want to work on his issues. So now we are no longer together.
Honest, open communication is crucial to relationships. Maybe we don't intend to seem clingy, but it gets interpreted that way. We must let our partners know what we're looking for.
You can't communicate with avoidant people in the same way you communicate with secure or anxious. They don't understand feelings or emotional scenarios very well. They can't comprehend it so they literally just think you're delusional. It's like you're reading from two different books on how relationships should be. They need to want to grow for themselves, on their time and terms. They definitely won't do it if they're pressured. Basic conversations that most people wouldn't struggle with, the avoidant person can not handle. They will immediately feel attacked and deactivate. I've been with a dismissive avoidant for 6.5 years. It has been SO difficult but also rewarding. I am a self aware FA leaning more toward secure and the more secure I become, the more willing he is to work on his shortcomings. He is unaware of attachment styles and why he does what he does. I plan to talk to him one day, but the timing has to be right and I need to be very intentional with what I say. I know most people would just leave bc it's too much work but I'm fucked up too, we all are, so as long as he's willing to respect me, im still in it. Lol
I scored 87 Avoidance of Closeness on a Psychology Today attachment style quiz. I have been single for 12 years and will never understand how people trust each other to know each other really well and be vulnerable. I feel one person has more power than the other and there are lies and other types of disrespect within all marriages. Not for me I prefer my freedom and self discovery. I do feel sad I won't have the myth of true love (I blame fairytale and Hallmark cards) and I can't have casual sex. I know I'm better off without being emotionally let down and giving up my life for a man.
Why don't avoidant's do the casual sex thing? They seem like players on the surface.
Any avoidants shouldn't have serious relationships. My ex who is avoidant wanted to keep me as a lover just for flirting/sex.I wasn't anxious before, but basically, he made me an anxious type. He still blames me it was my fault that the relationship didn't work, because I was pushy etc. However, there's no future if the avoidants always want to share 'only the positve part' of relationship and don't want to see any negative things.
It's my opinion, tho. I feel like most of people watch the video might think 'it's an anxious person's fault'. I don't think so :/
In addition, my current bf completely understands how my previous relationships were bad. Although I didn't go to any therapists, we completely have a healthy relationship.
If you can feel the partner is trustworthy and non-evasive, sometimes you can automatically healed from the pain. So cheer up anxious, just dump your toxic relationship, it's not worth for you
It is so hard to love and feel loved as an avoidant.
I want to build a family and have a long lasting love, but when it comes to giving love I freak out, my brain blocks and I just can’t force myself to do something, it brings me a huge wave of unhappiness and suffocation.
We are portrayed as the villains but we just want to feel understood, and we don’t think about “oh I am an avoidant so I can’t date”, because in the beginning of a relationship we always feel like we are capable of it, it’s just that when we reach deeper levels we freak out even though we love our partner very much…
It's unfair. I'm avoidant, my ex was anxiously attached and she was very pushy. I'd tell her outright something was bothering me, and she'd begrudgingly listen, only to turn around and force me to do the same thing I already told her made me uncomfortable. There's struggling to communicate, and then there's being outright ignored when you do.
It's wired. In one friendship I'm more the anxious one and in another I'm the Avoidant one...
Thank you for uploading the video ❤
me before i watched the vid: huh i wonder what this means
me after: this is what my last relationship was like...
Basically: It's not worth it. I was secure, turned anxious after being broken up with by an avoidant and never heard from them again after the breakup, while they kept talking to random strangers online about everything and meeting many new people. It hurt at first but at some point I got over it and started working on myself and am not looking back anymore. I'm slowly reclaiming my secure attachment again and becoming a better version of myself. I've also forgiven the avoidant, it's not their fault they are like this but it's their responsibility to fix their issues. I will always cherish the great time we had but that time is over and it's time to move on and become more resilient to this emotional manipulation. Ignoring others is childish behavior, it's cowardice.
i was the anxious one and my ex the avoidant, and i’m glad we broke up.. there are people who just aren’t meant for each other and that’s okay
Really sums it up! Well done. Love your vids!
I've been the anxious one in some relationships, but also avoidant in other relationships. I really think it depends on not only the personalities but also time and place for those involved. It means that there is a mismatch in needs. People also grow apart due to changing needs, some faster and some slower. As some have already said it, good communication is the key to treat the anxious-avoidant relationship, or to end it sooner than later. What are the things you two want from each other? What are your goals in life? Can you reach them together? Honesty, rationale and respectful discussion are the only real medicine.
These animations are SO good!!
I feel like I'm a combination of both. Lately I've been very anxious and wanted to be around people all the time. But doing so also sometimes makes me feel overwhelmed, and I feel like I'm neglecting my alone time too much. I've been both before in relationships at different times.
That’s very eye opening. Now I don’t beg but I will learn a lot
Uh.. So where's the actual "help" if you're in a relationship like this and want to make it work? Being informed of toxicity isn't putting helpful perspectives ahead of "give it up already" views. :/
Exactly
They said that it's just an informative video, if you're looking for relationship advice from a 5 minute youtube video I think you may need to look somewhere else. They're just trying to spread information to encourage people to seek help. Every relationship is different and fixes problems in different ways, the only real reliable piece of advice that they could have given is to just have good communication with your partner.
I am aware what was stated in the video. However, the video put a "toxicity" spinn in the end, which definately actively pushes it away from the "help" angle.
You cannot put out videos like this and not expect people to enterpret them as giving out advice, one way or another, if they identify with the content - no matter how many disclaimers you attach to it.
Quimper111 yea I feel u on this , I’m the avoidant. 2 days ago I did said “ stop crying “ towards her and I feel as if I broke her. When the video said it’s toxic & hard to fix it just give me this feeling that damn maybe this isn’t it. Idk how to become secure and it’s haunting me daily. I want my girlfriend to feel loved and not alone. If u guys have links / resources for becoming and having a secure attachment style from being avoidant please comment down below. Thanks in advance. Also to the anxious, as avoidants do feel. We feel ur pain, we have feelings but it’s one hell of a task to share them or speak on them. We care even though it seems like we don’t care.
i find this instagram account quite informative: instagram.com/millennial.therapist/, it might also be time to try apps with cbt like woebot as there's usually issues we don't know how to bring up when feeling anxious or we avoid it but in both cases it builds up. cbt helps build healthier conversations to learn from so we can express boundaries and know what makes each other happy.
The animation is incredible! Wonderful job👏🏽
Thank you so much! Is this your favorite one so far?
@@Psych2go It really helped me figure out one of my past relationships, since I was anxious and she was avoidant, but I love almost all of your videos💙
Yes make a video about helpful tips for the anxious and avoidant dynamic in a relationship, how can they overcome this dynamic together?
I WANT TO CRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS AVOIDANT AND I AM SO BAD ANXIOUS TYPE ....I JUST REALISE THESE LAST MONTHS WE BROKE UP because we didn't understand each other and we felt both suffocated i feel so bad because I wanted so much to work!
Wooooow. I needed to see this... Thankfully I realized my actions and pulled away.
Uh, yep! So I (the anxious partner) completely pulls out of pursuing the relationship only to find that he (avoidant partner) begins to pursue me again. NOW I am confused! After this happens a few times, I'm beginning to lose that "loving feeling" that drew us to one another in the first place.
Same! My bf is an avoidant which can be extremely avoidant and im the anxious but midly anxious as i can be avoidant too. But when im the anxious pulls away, then he the avoidant will started to geta closer to me. Such a confusion and how long shud it be like that ughh
I have been wondering if there’s going to be a video of how tell if your crush likes you in 2020. For middle school/high school.
Thank you for all these tips and information. This is a great channel. Keep up the good work
Yeah, was definitely in that sort of relationship, in which I was the avoidant person and my girlfriend was the anxious person. I guess I was conflicted by liking her but also not wanting to commit to something that I wasn't sure would last; it would make losing us harderSince quarrantine though, I've been kicking myself for avoiding her, as, not being able to see her for the past 6 months, I really underestimated how great the time we had was. We still keep in touch online, but I'm really hoping to, if she's still interested, to try again once lockdown is all over.
Please keep exploring this topic.
"An anxious-avoidant relationship is considered toxic" Isn't it considered a trauma bond?
I broke up with my boyfriend today. I'm the anxious one and he's the avoidant. I didn't want to end this, but every time that I ask for closure he says I'm being needy.... I'll miss him 😕
When you realize you're the anxious one 😫
It's been 13 years...I feel stuck...
Everytime i try to leave she grips her claws into me and pulls me back...
With sone grand promise things will get better...playing with my emotions...
Then she shuts down for months
Says I'm not doing enough...
I carry the financial load and often the cleanliness of the house....
It's been 13 years....
I think I had enough.
It's really strange when I hit my breaking point videos about my relationship started popping up...
I didn't know what was wrong with us but now it's so black and white....
I have to leave...
I'm sorry if you stumble across this
I really loved you
Holding on Is just starting to hurt to much
I want to feel fulfilled I'm tired if going through the motions and every few months big fights pop up...
I'm sorry....
I really did love you and wanted to give you the world....
Holding on just hurts...
I'm not sure if I belivie in a god...
But one day I broke down in prayer tired of the hurt...wishing she would leave me
I would rather hurt for a few years then go through the rest of my life feeling numb....
Then songs on the radio about having to leave popped up more often, videos like this popped up to explain what is wrong and that there's not much hope...
If there is a God
It's like he heard me and is giving me the tools and strength to finally walk away....
I hope when I do...
She is safe and protected
Stops shutting down and truly lives her life to the fullest....
All year, after coming back again
I saw memes, tik toks about letting go and moving to find yourself..
I chose to ignore them...
Now im questioning where those all signs because I made a mistake....
It's strange last time I left...
I sat there crying saying I didn't wanna go but I knew it was right....
I almost felt a presence, like a hand went on my shoulder and a voice in my head said "Kyle it's time to go"
God have you been trying to guide me this whole time...
I have a fearful/avoidant attachment so I relate to both of them😭
Same
Thanks for the videos, between these as and a few others I am becoming very aware of patterns holding me back from what I want in my life.
My relationship is definitely like that I'm the anxious one and my gf is avoidant. We take a look at things from our perspective at first so I always used some kind of method to get emotionally close to her which of course wouldn't solve the problem. Now I backed up objectively looking at the situation and there is only on solution coming to my head (since I've been too much lately she probably got a little bit tired) I'll distance myself. It will seem strange she'll start wondering then she'll get anxious because she might think I don't want to be with her anymore and she'll get closer. When I'm sure she's not as cold anymore I'll get close too. If she gets distant again I will be more prepared next time. Hope it works. Now someone might question why try so hard? Why let go of your own style for a short period of time just to be with someone who is so different and makes you feel even depressed sometimes? My answer is the fact that this is happening right now dosent mean it's always like this we offer attention to all the negatives so much that we forget the beautiful moments yes even with 2 different people I've experienced so many with her. You just gotta win their trust many times instead of one. That's my perspective ig I'm not a specialist or whatever I'm not even sure if it's going to work. Have a happy life everyone and remember to appreciate the beautiful moments and not lose your time and mind thinking about the difficult periods. Good luck!
So what happened? did she change? I guess not xD
@@kayholand_Why are You laughing when this dude is trying to solve the problem. It's not always about being perfect or stuff like that... damn
Why would the avoidant partner stay if they just want space? Unless they enjoy being loved but don't feel they need to reciprocate.
I wish I knew what I know now, back then... This type of relationship is rough.
So do I. I’ve been in this relationship once, where I was the anxious and It went bad. Now I’m in one of this again and I’m trying to leste to be confidend and less needy before it all happens again
Please make a video how to maintain or make it work a anxious-avoidance type of relationship...
Anyone else terrified of divorce? My parents went through a divorce and now it's one of my biggest fears. Only like 1/4 of people get married and stay married. Half of people never get married, and half of married couples divorce. There's about a 50% chance of me facing a huge fear of mine. Fantastic.
My parents are divorced and I’m an anxious person XD.
I feared all the things that have to do with the break up... but I learned, to let go of my stress and to not think about the future (because when you’re anxious, you have mind’s illusions that are not real). You have to think about the present because you cannot say what’s going to happen
+ we fear what we already have live
(Sorry for the mistakes, I’m french)
@@beatlesjude7313 You're English was really good! Totally fooled me. And yes, I agree. I have tons of anxiety and it's hard not to think about the future. That's a good reminder, I really needed that. Thank you!
Alyssa Langner thank you ☺️ ! Good luck !
I have no relationship but I'm still gonna watch because, I wanna learn.
《Mete0r》 like!
It seems like the anxious one tends to suffer more than the avoidant. Or they suffer the same but different?
It’s so weird how much I relate to the avoidant partner when I was dating, but the anxious partner after I married. We flipped places!
To all who read this, you are loved,
You are appreciated,
You are Divine,
Never forget you have the power within to Change and shift your life. There is a version of you right now in a different reality smashing it ⭐⚡💫
You are not your addictions or flaws, raise your frequency and your life will Dramatically change for the better 🙏
I just done a video on this for those who are Ready for it 💜
If your reading this then that is a Sign that you are 🔮
Thank you🤗🤗
We are all energy and frequency, and unique in our own way
I AM SOO HAPPY I FOUND YOU GUYS I LOVE YOU SO MUCHH DO NOT STOPP