Yeah I'm scared of dating... even guys I'm attracted to. If they show interest I feel that sharp anxiety pain in my chest. I get scared and confused and I'll end up thinking im going to get played. ☹️I'm more comfortable in trusting friendships that are platonic and family.
It sounds like dating brings up a lot of intense feelings for you. It’s understandable to feel anxious and unsure, especially when there’s a fear of being hurt. It’s great that you have supportive friendships and family to lean on. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor to explore these feelings further?
1:37 1. Childhood was shaped by abuse 2:45 2. Distrust in themselves and others 3:19 3. Feeling like you don't deserve to be loved 3:53 4. Intimate relationships are confusing 4:27 5. Insensitivity towards others 5:21 6. Tendency to keep conversations at a surface level 5:57 7. Negative perspectives and overly reserved 6:51 8. Difficulty taking responsibility for their actions
Yes to 2,3,4, and 6 but only my side of the conversation… people love to be open with me and feel comfortable telling me everything but I don’t open up usually. And some of 7. 5&8 do not apply to me, at all..
1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 and 8 if that doesn’t scream I need help I don’t know what does (ok 1 if I go for dismissive avoidant, but I can fall into both I didn’t have it all stable but also my emotions were put down constantly.)
It doesn't have to be as traumatic and neglectful as this makes it sound. It can stem from say if you had a mother who was hot and cold and didn't give you the emotional support you need or an abusive relationship when you're you're older. Fearful Avoidants usually have a growth mentality which leads them to ask the deeper questions in an attempt to understand others and to be seen and heard themselves. This may be used to deflect questions away from themselves but it's definitely not for superficial reasons❤️
Exactly! I have a ton of FA traits. I don't like talking about myself much and prefer to listen or ask the other person questions (when I'm not too afraid). Edit to add: Not every FA was abused. Sometimes, you just end up with a parent or set of parents who are drowning in their own issues (trauma, etc) and that makes it so they can't actually be present or supportive in an emotionally meaningful way. Sucks like hell, trust me, but the parent(s)/caregiver(s) didn't intend to cause harm.
Thank you for pointing that out! My experience was exactly as you just described. I didn’t grow up in an abusive environment. I think this video kind of oversimplifies things.
well said. I also dont shy away from really deep topics, I don't really like small talk either. I'm also accountable and sometimes too accountable, because of my empathy .I'm just tryin to not step away from some1 emotionally when I share something really vulnerable. That breeds a bad dynamic between the other person since they can feel that they are the closest to me ever and I'm stepping back while trying to defend myself. I don't want to defend myself and I wanna keep them close :( but now I actually learnt this and can work on it :)
Yeah, I want to have a loving relationship badly, but I fear rejection and betrayal so much, I can't even say hi to a person im attracted to. It's easier when someone is attracted to me, and I'm not particularly attracted to them, but conversations are still very surface level
I totally get that-fear of rejection and betrayal can be really paralyzing. It’s often easier to engage when the pressure is off, but finding genuine connections can be challenging. Have you found any strategies that help you overcome these fears, or are you looking for new approaches?
I feel you. I used to be so terrified of rejection that I kept my mouth shut at all times. Having friendships was a real challenge, and I did mess up plenty of blossoming friendships. But eventually, I just decided I was going to learn how to have friends and put myself out there. With a good therapist, I we started working on all the beliefs that made me feel inferior. But still, getting out of my shell was a terrible experience. I hid in the bathroom to cry it out more times than I could count. Even when I found people that I actually liked, it took me years to open up. But every time I managed to say something about myself, it got just a little bit easier. And those friendships grew. Romantic relationships have been similar but different. I am deathly scared of hurting others and/or being abused again. But with time, and some really messy experiences, I am finally managing to have a healthy relationship with someone that I really really like and admire. Still, there is some doubts, and my mind likes to make excuses to bolt. But we are keeping it under control for now. Anxiety medication has really helped too.
By seventh grade I was so completely lost and fearful on the inside that I became completely dismissive on the outside. I protected myself by pretending that I had a suit of armor and couldn't care less what anyone thought. Problem was, I cared _deeply_ about what anyone thought. I defined myself by what others thought. It took every bit of my mental and emotional energy to maintain an appearance of not caring. So it didn't work. I was an extremely good student, but the strain of keeping up an appearance of not caring eventually seeped into my schoolwork. I wound up dropping out in 11th grade and not finishing high school. Things haven't really changed. Few friends, no girlfriends, no goals, no self esteem. 😕
I agreed with some of these but not all… Although I feel fearful avoidant, I am overly sensitive and caring of others feelings and I also always take accountability for my actions. Even though I feared rejection I always try and always make the effort and put myself out there. It is a constant struggle in intimate relationships, trying to stay connected while battling the fears inside and the negative talk from the ego mind. I struggle and eventually they leave me. I try so hard but friends and partners only put in half the effort I do and when I speak up about it and my boundaries eventually they leave. I have resigned to the fact I need to work through my issues and just be alone. Also I wasn’t abused as a small child. I know people are nuanced and it would be impossible to have a check list that applied to everyone.
Hi it's really great to hear that. So what was it? Is it like being trapped or just homesick like you can go out any time but you just don't want to...
@@escaptivist idk man, ever since i was a kid ive never recieved any affection from my parents, and now i js realized that being rejected and treated badly by ppl for a long time, led to me being unsure or what kind of affection they show me now that ive become a little older
@@lizzZoO0 it's about the past I see. You won't believe my family have a history for lack of things like love and affection. Name it age bar, busy life, unablility etc. Even sometimes they act like kids. I always try my best to be with them, spend time with them. They just want someone who cares. They will never confess it. But I know that deep down they buried all of their emotions. So slowly I am trying to warm their hearts and hoping one day it will melt for me... See what I believe is to become the resource to someone that I've wished in my life. And things will be sorted not too soon but one day. I am here for you whenever you want someone to talk to. Sending love and hugs. ❤️
Timestamps 1). Childhood was shaped by abuse 1:38 2). Distrust in themselves and others 2:44 3). Feeling like you don't deserve to be loved 3:18 4). Intimate relationships are confusing 3:52 5). Insensitivity towards others 4:26 6). Tendency to keep conversation at a surface level 5:21 7). Negative perspectives and overly reserved 5:55 8). Difficulty taking responsibility for their actions 6:51 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
watching this made me feel really good because this is exactly who I was and how I acted in relationships in 2020 and I am at a point where I can not only admit it that but feel separated from who I used to be. I’ve been working on growing and healing ever since I realized my behavior was hurting myself and others. My shame was hand sculpted like the Great Wall of China, but now that I’ve got the ball rolling I’m tearing it down about as fast as I put it up. If you are someone watching this video and seeing yourself, please hear me that you can grow and change and get to a place where you can trust. The first step is accountability.
The reason why Fearful avoidant style is not recognized or talked about is that its one of the rearest attachment styles. Also some of the signs are similar to a dismissive avoidant style too so its harder for experts to recognize it. As a frearful avoidant myself, it is very hard to navigate romantic life even though i am in a healthy relationship.
This gives chills. When it's raining outside for a while. Windows glasses get all fogged up. Making it hard to see outside. All I hear is voices and nothing... For now that's all I will say. But hey at least I know I am not alone. We will make it. Okay ❤
Well maybe it's not that simple or black and white. I feel u can have differnt traits of different attachment style depending on your history or upbringing. 🤷🏽♂️ it's a lot of trail and error
Today Ithought about this all day and I was having such an anxiety thinking that some guy may like me and I was doing everything to avoid that...and here's the right video in the right time
Some dismissive avoidants either create fearful avoidants or anxious attachment style people. I would advice anxious attachments and other types to avoid dismissive avoidants, they will hurt and confuse you.
I always wanted you guys to make a video on it, as someone who constantly plays ping pong b/w dismissive & fearful it was helpful. Btw really loved your voice, professor ❤
It really appears to me, that attachment styles can change. Over the last few years I seemingly changed my attachment style from fearful ambivalent to fearful avoidant. 😅🎉 It seems in my case more attached to my experiences with other children and adolescents while growing up.
Wow, this really gave me perspective into my ex-gf. We just broke up. I am anxious-secure attachment style where I do understand my needs and flaws, but I do really well at not overly subjecting my partners to it if it’s my own battle. Whereas I see now that she was Fearful Avoidant and that just makes so much sense. She could never jump all the way in, but always craved wanting a connection. She ended up manipulating my emotions quite a lot in the end because of it. I could never understand why she would agree to things and then back out last minute. And she always talked about her past as she’s broken and the victim. It was a rollercoaster with her for months, and she was the one who made the first move too. It was exhausting to never fully know where we were at. I’m glad it’s over though, because she clearly wasn’t right for me.
Yeah, it's weird that once i feels the relationship is going "to the next step",and this is for both friends and girls that seems more than friends,i just go autopilot and start to cut conversions or time with them,not only that,but i just think "am i good without theme?Yeah i am". Like,i have no problem going out,but if someone invites me,i think twice if going or not. However, I'd have no problem going for something more meaningful,but i just can't find a person that makes me want to stay with him/her for long🤷.
I leave people so much and I feel so uneasy when people like me I can even be open then boom I’m freaked the hell out or feel like crap and analyze to much I can go on
@@Psych2go Honestly, almost all of them. But I don't feel like abuse is something that I would say defined it. While there are a few things that I would say hurt personal growth when I was young, I don't really think I can say it was abuse/abusive. Still, I think it's something I should think about. For that, I appreciate the video
People around me in school made me disliking deep connections. And it shows that adults aren't quite better. So i give into my fear. Rather i am alone than getting hurt anymore further. I encountered way more sadness and misfortune than being lucky. Watching the state humanity is in makes me even more scared
Q: "What does love mean to you?" A: "22 years of CPTSD." My turn. Q: "How many times have you cheated?" A: 😡💀 This is how dating with me starts and ends. 😂
@@Ominous89 I can truly relate and understand. It's like a rush. It feels good and the satisfaction of not being fooled by some stranger, yeah it's honest in a way. But let's try the other's perspective. Shall we? When we do this, the other person might feel judged. Imagine a person who is shy, sensitive sitting next to you. Trying the best not to mess up. Hoping and praying that things go nicely. And the next we drop the bomb, How many times you've cheated? Anyone can be upset with this. Disagree? Put yourself on the other side and ask yourself. See before relationship or dating there's a thing which I say "Friendship". Let the things flow. Let it happen because of course you are here for it and one day it will happen. Right? If things doesn't seem well you can simply back up. You have the control, you have the choices. In the end, it's your choice. Sorry, if it went crazy. ❤️
@@escaptivist it's all fun and games for a year, maybe a few years, but then it's time for a bigger wallet and a bigger car. Dating is the biggest BS ever. A bad deal. They're just like monkeys swinging from vine to vines, only the humanoid women are swinging from sausage to sausage. They don't understand and care about the depression, the debts and the homelessness that followed after abandonning me. I'm done trying my best for some stranger. I can't even be friends with a woman anymore because I've truely grown to ultimately hate them all with the same passion I once tried to love one. I became a true mysogynist. One with pride. I'll show the world my toxic masculinity and I can hold it with 2 hands.
Negative perspectives amd overly reserved Difficulty taking responsibility for actions And ofcourse always trying to keep conversation at surface level And distrust in every single person out there including myself
#7 Is my entire life. I am so afraid of rejection and abandonment! The backpack is too heavy and I’d like to put it down and take everything out of it. I’d like to put light things in it instead.
When i was 14, i met this guy who was 16 at the time. Our parents knew each other so i would see him almost every day. At first he was like this cute innocent guy and just a few months after we started dating he would force me to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and steal from stores. And if i wouldn’t he would threaten me. I was always afraid to break up with him but somehow we crossed paths. I never brought this subject up to my parents but a while ago i finally did. They didn’t believe me and literally told me that he was the nicest guy they ever knew and would never do such stuff. Last year he got arrested. I’m 20 years old now and ever since then i have always been afraid to build a relationship even tho i NEED someone in my life.
I think I unintentionally was too hard on myself as a child my parents could have cared less if I got good grades they just wanted me to try my best but for some reason I decided I needed to get all As and do everything perfect which has messed me up severely I used to be normalish but now idk what is wrong with me
Ah yes. Childhood, teen years, all messed up by bullying and overprotective family. Yep, I can see myself in all this. Relationships hard? Try regular friendships. I'm in a constant act of control on what I say or do because most of the time I trust nobody. Vulnerability? That's the fun one because your brain sees "vulnerability" as a weakness which also creates a perfectionism syndrome as any small hole on the suit of armor you created your whole life needs to plugged and closed off. But relationships? The kind of person I think I need probably doesn't exist: It'd have to be someone who noticed the insecurities, created a safe space to open up and slowly work with me for it - I truly believe this doesn't exist nowadays.
attachment styles might not dictate our future, but when the avoidant thing becomes the logical thing, a way out seems hard....and pointless. I was 100% fearful avoidant, i have outgrown it somewhat, maybe partially transitioned to dismissive, but i do not mind sharing stuff about myself, since that's how you meet likeminded people, hard as it can be given the wide spectrum of interests I have and want to keep having.
All if not all, mom killed herself at 5 pretty much sums that up...I, have &, anxious attachment. Toxic ? I push people away . Clingless sets me , off. .. I'm,not used to healthy, relationship. Avoidness fear of being vulnerable... not used to it.
I have a mix of both anxious attachments and avoidant styles; plus adhd which makes rejection or cancelled plans so much more hurtful and seems personal at times
i agree with most of them, but i might be more of a mix between the two i’ve experienced mental abuse/death/bullying for the past few years and they feel like bricks falling on top of me, so much so i’m afraid to talk to anyone, it’s usually the other one that has to start the conversation then i will roll. but really it’s just me fearing being used and betrayed, and it’s also me being afraid they won’t like me, but i tend to play a chill guy most of the time. the only time i can truly show who i truly am is when i’m around close friends, as i know i can trust those people as i know they won’t betray me. did i really need to rant about this? ehh whatever
“You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying yourself is part of the battle.” - Julian Seifter “Part of my identity is saying no to things I don’t want to do… I check in with myself throughout the day and I say, ‘Do I really want to do this?’ and if the answer is no, then I don’t do it. And you shouldn’t either.” - Lady Gaga “If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl, but by all means, keep moving.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Looking back I did this to myself. I had a good group of people around me I just had one bad experience in 3rd grade and thought “oh, this is what romance is like. This sucks. I’m not doing that again.” And I don’t know how I did it but I just changed my entire outlook on this shit.
To be honest thanks to school traumas especially in my first years, I have definitly a fearful avoidance style and I am autistic that got the last years worse, while my mom have a dismissive avoidance style this is the biggest chaos duo u can think off, because I cant talk with people and she loves her independence and talking only to a few people. Like always having one bff only the whole time. Hope it gets better for me stil but its kinda hard showing love when someone loves to be alone 😂
I am somewhere between dismissive and fearful. Which leads me to believe that I might not have had a great childhood..i honestly don't remember, my memory is patchy, which in retrospect, is also probably a sign. 😅
Not exactly. I’m a FA, caused by emotional abuse/neglect in my church school/church environment + hot/cold dismissiveness/punishment vs abuse of my emotional needs by my caregives and extended family I’m not “dismissive of others.” Neither are other FAs I know personally and care for dearly. We’re dismissive of OURSELVES, and it’s the internal rollercoaster and hypervigilance we experience internally of Nobody Cares/We’re going to be betrayed/others are just waiting to hurt us/we don’t deserve any sort of regard that causes us to oscilate between feeling this need to cling but pry our own fingers open to let go, or deliberately display rough edges to keep most or all people away, or wanting to shove others away when either feeling rejected or if something’s too good to possibly be true And this comes out when our wounds get triggered, and what triggers that is different for every FA, although romantic relationships by nature often carry several potential landmines. We can feel confident or at least like we can politely fake aquaintanceship or other casual or professional interactions…but when anything deeper like a more intimate friendship or the commitment required for a romantic relationship (but our only Guidebook is to basically disregard ourselves, fawn, and watch for signs the other person isn’t trustworthy and/or will callously hurt us) …yeah. We are going to be triggered into more forefront vs compartmentalized inner turmoil regardless of how tightly we try to hold it together to protect the other person Healing from FA is quite literally healing from complex or more typical traumas. And no, we’re no more likely to be “abusers” than dismissive avoidants neglecting their partners, or anxious preoccupied partners being controlling.
I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I want to connect, but only if they want to be genuine friends. Till then, I keep myself in self imposed exile where it hurts less.
Can you guys do a vid for people struggling with a record? :( people have their lives ruined because they slipped up or made a mistake and don't get any second chances. Society views you as subhuman and it feels awful...
Yup. I feel you on that one. If you were to take a look at my bio on here, you'd notice I had great plans for myself until I f*cked it all up. What's worse, because of the category I'm in, as long as I'm on parole, I have to pretty much tell people what I did if they were to want to date me. So I just avoid it for now.
@ogshotglass9291 I get it man. I'm scared of even making connections with people at this point. Know that there's people like me in your exact situation. I was going to be a therapist and social worker, but now my efforts and degree are useless. So many people can get stuff dismissed on the news, but it's always the public that gets their lives ruined.
this is such a good video.. im starting to suspect that i went from being anxious attachment to fearful avoidant.. but sometimes when i get too comfy with my partner, i ended up talking about dark heavy/deep topic that he isnt comfortable engaging in.. so would i still be fearful avoidant even if i like engaging about deep convo?
Dismissive avoidant here. I'm also a male submissive, masochist who desires unrealistic interests or fantasize toxic relationships that could only work in fictional settings.
I feel like most of these apply to me, except for the last one. I rarely see myself as a victim, even if I am being directly attacked or constantly abused or bullied. Somehow, my mind always makes me think I am guilty for everything, even for being mistreated. Does this happen to anyone else too?
relate to all the rest but can't really relate to the last one. I know I'm responsible, which makes it so much harder because I know its all my fault and that all in my life that sucks, its because I suck.
Can you answer my question please why do i always cry when someone tells me im wrong they dont even yell at me but they tell me in a calm voice but then i just get scared and start to break up in tears and i honestly just want to know because im a very sensitive person i have social anxiety and other stuff and i did have trauma in my past like sexual abuse and physical abuse for about 5 years im certainly 16 and i just want to live an normal life and be like normal people and i get super worried of what people would think of me and when that happens i just cant think straight and start to panic and i start messing up on the most simples things
Why does number 8 imply that because you have had similar experiences that make you feel victimized, it is automatically because you are refusing to take responsibility? What are we refusing to take responsibility for?
I hate romantic love. The concept of it is so confusing. You wake up and the first thing you do is want a person who may not even be available. You feel attraction for the most random people, a knot in your throat even from trying to have a conversation. I don’t understand it. I’ve felt it but I no longer want anything to do with it. I’ve only ever been in one relationship and that’s all I found I could withstand. How do people fall in love so freely? The idea of letting someone into your heart like that, so much so that they could damage and scar it so intensely. I don’t understand why people would want that.
Yeah I'm scared of dating... even guys I'm attracted to. If they show interest I feel that sharp anxiety pain in my chest. I get scared and confused and I'll end up thinking im going to get played. ☹️I'm more comfortable in trusting friendships that are platonic and family.
It sounds like dating brings up a lot of intense feelings for you. It’s understandable to feel anxious and unsure, especially when there’s a fear of being hurt. It’s great that you have supportive friendships and family to lean on. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor to explore these feelings further?
1:37 1. Childhood was shaped by abuse
2:45 2. Distrust in themselves and others
3:19 3. Feeling like you don't deserve to be loved
3:53 4. Intimate relationships are confusing
4:27 5. Insensitivity towards others
5:21 6. Tendency to keep conversations at a surface level
5:57 7. Negative perspectives and overly reserved
6:51 8. Difficulty taking responsibility for their actions
Yes to 2,3,4, and 6 but only my side of the conversation… people love to be open with me and feel comfortable telling me everything but I don’t open up usually. And some of 7. 5&8 do not apply to me, at all..
Thank you
1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 and 8 if that doesn’t scream I need help I don’t know what does (ok 1 if I go for dismissive avoidant, but I can fall into both I didn’t have it all stable but also my emotions were put down constantly.)
Happy to help, @@Folarin-e5p
Not everyone needs LOVE ! I need MONEY 😂🤣😂🤣🤣
It doesn't have to be as traumatic and neglectful as this makes it sound. It can stem from say if you had a mother who was hot and cold and didn't give you the emotional support you need or an abusive relationship when you're you're older. Fearful Avoidants usually have a growth mentality which leads them to ask the deeper questions in an attempt to understand others and to be seen and heard themselves. This may be used to deflect questions away from themselves but it's definitely not for superficial reasons❤️
Yes!
Exactly! I have a ton of FA traits. I don't like talking about myself much and prefer to listen or ask the other person questions (when I'm not too afraid).
Edit to add: Not every FA was abused. Sometimes, you just end up with a parent or set of parents who are drowning in their own issues (trauma, etc) and that makes it so they can't actually be present or supportive in an emotionally meaningful way. Sucks like hell, trust me, but the parent(s)/caregiver(s) didn't intend to cause harm.
Thank you for pointing that out! My experience was exactly as you just described. I didn’t grow up in an abusive environment. I think this video kind of oversimplifies things.
Yeah I think I’m a fearful avoidant and my mom is hot and cold
well said. I also dont shy away from really deep topics, I don't really like small talk either. I'm also accountable and sometimes too accountable, because of my empathy .I'm just tryin to not step away from some1 emotionally when I share something really vulnerable. That breeds a bad dynamic between the other person since they can feel that they are the closest to me ever and I'm stepping back while trying to defend myself. I don't want to defend myself and I wanna keep them close :( but now I actually learnt this and can work on it :)
The speed of me clicking to this video is crazy
Hahaha same. Gave my finger whiplash!
Ikr
lmaooo I feel you
im a little late, but I MADE IT
Same
Yeah, I want to have a loving relationship badly, but I fear rejection and betrayal so much, I can't even say hi to a person im attracted to. It's easier when someone is attracted to me, and I'm not particularly attracted to them, but conversations are still very surface level
I feel ya man 😭🙏🏿
Me too. It never used to be like this, but betrayals have changed me 😔
@@LesleySASMR same here
I totally get that-fear of rejection and betrayal can be really paralyzing. It’s often easier to engage when the pressure is off, but finding genuine connections can be challenging. Have you found any strategies that help you overcome these fears, or are you looking for new approaches?
I feel you. I used to be so terrified of rejection that I kept my mouth shut at all times. Having friendships was a real challenge, and I did mess up plenty of blossoming friendships. But eventually, I just decided I was going to learn how to have friends and put myself out there. With a good therapist, I we started working on all the beliefs that made me feel inferior. But still, getting out of my shell was a terrible experience. I hid in the bathroom to cry it out more times than I could count. Even when I found people that I actually liked, it took me years to open up. But every time I managed to say something about myself, it got just a little bit easier. And those friendships grew. Romantic relationships have been similar but different. I am deathly scared of hurting others and/or being abused again. But with time, and some really messy experiences, I am finally managing to have a healthy relationship with someone that I really really like and admire. Still, there is some doubts, and my mind likes to make excuses to bolt. But we are keeping it under control for now. Anxiety medication has really helped too.
By seventh grade I was so completely lost and fearful on the inside that I became completely dismissive on the outside. I protected myself by pretending that I had a suit of armor and couldn't care less what anyone thought.
Problem was, I cared _deeply_ about what anyone thought. I defined myself by what others thought. It took every bit of my mental and emotional energy to maintain an appearance of not caring.
So it didn't work. I was an extremely good student, but the strain of keeping up an appearance of not caring eventually seeped into my schoolwork. I wound up dropping out in 11th grade and not finishing high school.
Things haven't really changed. Few friends, no girlfriends, no goals, no self esteem. 😕
I agreed with some of these but not all… Although I feel fearful avoidant, I am overly sensitive and caring of others feelings and I also always take accountability for my actions. Even though I feared rejection I always try and always make the effort and put myself out there. It is a constant struggle in intimate relationships, trying to stay connected while battling the fears inside and the negative talk from the ego mind. I struggle and eventually they leave me. I try so hard but friends and partners only put in half the effort I do and when I speak up about it and my boundaries eventually they leave. I have resigned to the fact I need to work through my issues and just be alone. Also I wasn’t abused as a small child. I know people are nuanced and it would be impossible to have a check list that applied to everyone.
I think I'm more of the "Deathly Afraid" style
I see, what are the signs?
Hugs 🫂
thankyou so much, ive wondered why i always reject love even tho i crave for it
Hi it's really great to hear that.
So what was it?
Is it like being trapped or just homesick like you can go out any time but you just don't want to...
@@escaptivist idk man, ever since i was a kid ive never recieved any affection from my parents, and now i js realized that being rejected and treated badly by ppl for a long time, led to me being unsure or what kind of affection they show me now that ive become a little older
@@lizzZoO0 it's about the past I see.
You won't believe my family have a history for lack of things like love and affection.
Name it age bar, busy life, unablility etc.
Even sometimes they act like kids. I always try my best to be with them, spend time with them. They just want someone who cares. They will never confess it. But I know that deep down they buried all of their emotions.
So slowly I am trying to warm their hearts and hoping one day it will melt for me...
See what I believe is to become the resource to someone that I've wished in my life. And things will be sorted not too soon but one day.
I am here for you whenever you want someone to talk to. Sending love and hugs. ❤️
We hope this helps. How many signs did you resonate with?
hate how fast i clicked😭
Why
You suck!
How many signs did you relate to?
@@Psych2go all of them 😭
I can't be the only one who heard "pastramis" instead of "past traumas" at 0:27
Lol
Timestamps
1). Childhood was shaped by abuse 1:38
2). Distrust in themselves and others 2:44
3). Feeling like you don't deserve to be loved 3:18
4). Intimate relationships are confusing 3:52
5). Insensitivity towards others 4:26
6). Tendency to keep conversation at a surface level 5:21
7). Negative perspectives and overly reserved 5:55
8). Difficulty taking responsibility for their actions 6:51
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
watching this made me feel really good because this is exactly who I was and how I acted in relationships in 2020 and I am at a point where I can not only admit it that but feel separated from who I used to be. I’ve been working on growing and healing ever since I realized my behavior was hurting myself and others. My shame was hand sculpted like the Great Wall of China, but now that I’ve got the ball rolling I’m tearing it down about as fast as I put it up. If you are someone watching this video and seeing yourself, please hear me that you can grow and change and get to a place where you can trust. The first step is accountability.
Avoidants need therapy not a relationship, I dealt with one before and I never will again, lesson learned!
Therapy is recommended for anyone with an unhealthy attachment style. How are you healing from the experience now that you're out of the situation?
What do you mean? Are you trying to say that avoidant attachment styles are abusive?
I understand a little more about myself now
We hope this video helped :) how many signs did you relate to?
This video hit hard. I feel like I'm a mix breed of avoidant. I'm not solely one or the other, but a bit of both.
The reason why Fearful avoidant style is not recognized or talked about is that its one of the rearest attachment styles. Also some of the signs are similar to a dismissive avoidant style too so its harder for experts to recognize it. As a frearful avoidant myself, it is very hard to navigate romantic life even though i am in a healthy relationship.
Pls do anxious attachment next!! 😭😔
We already have a video on that :) Here is the link to it ruclips.net/video/g-466psrXrA/видео.html
I was so sure I was fearful avoidant but now I’m totally lost…back to square one
This gives chills.
When it's raining outside for a while. Windows glasses get all fogged up. Making it hard to see outside.
All I hear is voices and nothing...
For now that's all I will say.
But hey at least I know I am not alone. We will make it. Okay ❤
This video is missing the mark by a couple miles
Well maybe it's not that simple or black and white. I feel u can have differnt traits of different attachment style depending on your history or upbringing. 🤷🏽♂️ it's a lot of trail and error
@@user-lb8do4ew6k all these videos seem to say different things. No wonder peeps are confused
@@user-lb8do4ew6k true
I fear parting so I don't welcome people😊
Its wild that litterally nobody asked for you to speak, yet here you are😊
Today Ithought about this all day and I was having such an anxiety thinking that some guy may like me and I was doing everything to avoid that...and here's the right video in the right time
Some dismissive avoidants either create fearful avoidants or anxious attachment style people.
I would advice anxious attachments and other types to avoid dismissive avoidants, they will hurt and confuse you.
Oh, I’m definitely dealing with Dismissive avoidance attachment. With a dash of fearful
I always wanted you guys to make a video on it, as someone who constantly plays ping pong b/w dismissive & fearful it was helpful.
Btw really loved your voice, professor ❤
Can't choose... I'll take both
It really appears to me, that attachment styles can change. Over the last few years I seemingly changed my attachment style from fearful ambivalent to fearful avoidant. 😅🎉 It seems in my case more attached to my experiences with other children and adolescents while growing up.
Thank you for this video! I learned smth new
Hope this helps :) did you relate to any of these signs?
@@Psych2go Not really. But I never knew what a fearful avoidant style was!
This channel is so relatable for me 🌱😌
Thanks for watching :) how many signs did you relate to?
@@Psych2go every
yup, this pretty much confirms i'm like this
Thanks for sharing. What do you plan to do next after this realization ?
Thank you for putting this information out for the public. Very helpful. ❤✌️.
No problem! We hope this helps. Did you relate to any of these signs?
Please make an attachment styles playlist!
Wow, this really gave me perspective into my ex-gf. We just broke up. I am anxious-secure attachment style where I do understand my needs and flaws, but I do really well at not overly subjecting my partners to it if it’s my own battle. Whereas I see now that she was Fearful Avoidant and that just makes so much sense. She could never jump all the way in, but always craved wanting a connection. She ended up manipulating my emotions quite a lot in the end because of it. I could never understand why she would agree to things and then back out last minute. And she always talked about her past as she’s broken and the victim. It was a rollercoaster with her for months, and she was the one who made the first move too. It was exhausting to never fully know where we were at. I’m glad it’s over though, because she clearly wasn’t right for me.
Yeah, it's weird that once i feels the relationship is going "to the next step",and this is for both friends and girls that seems more than friends,i just go autopilot and start to cut conversions or time with them,not only that,but i just think "am i good without theme?Yeah i am".
Like,i have no problem going out,but if someone invites me,i think twice if going or not.
However, I'd have no problem going for something more meaningful,but i just can't find a person that makes me want to stay with him/her for long🤷.
I leave people so much and I feel so uneasy when people like me I can even be open then boom I’m freaked the hell out or feel like crap and analyze to much I can go on
I didn't know this was an actual thing. Like having a term all it's own I mean. This is honestly good to know.
We hope this helps. Did you relate to any of these signs?
@@Psych2go Honestly, almost all of them. But I don't feel like abuse is something that I would say defined it. While there are a few things that I would say hurt personal growth when I was young, I don't really think I can say it was abuse/abusive. Still, I think it's something I should think about. For that, I appreciate the video
People around me in school made me disliking deep connections. And it shows that adults aren't quite better. So i give into my fear.
Rather i am alone than getting hurt anymore further.
I encountered way more sadness and misfortune than being lucky.
Watching the state humanity is in makes me even more scared
Clicked this ridiculously quickly
Q: "What does love mean to you?"
A: "22 years of CPTSD."
My turn.
Q: "How many times have you cheated?"
A: 😡💀
This is how dating with me starts and ends. 😂
You aren't joking. Are you?
@@escaptivist this is literaly how it goes. It's the best it gets actually. Short and honest speeddating. 😂
@@Ominous89 I can truly relate and understand.
It's like a rush. It feels good and the satisfaction of not being fooled by some stranger, yeah it's honest in a way.
But let's try the other's perspective. Shall we?
When we do this, the other person might feel judged. Imagine a person who is shy, sensitive sitting next to you. Trying the best not to mess up. Hoping and praying that things go nicely.
And the next we drop the bomb,
How many times you've cheated?
Anyone can be upset with this. Disagree? Put yourself on the other side and ask yourself.
See before relationship or dating there's a thing which I say "Friendship".
Let the things flow. Let it happen because of course you are here for it and one day it will happen. Right?
If things doesn't seem well you can simply back up. You have the control, you have the choices. In the end, it's your choice.
Sorry, if it went crazy. ❤️
@@escaptivist it's all fun and games for a year, maybe a few years, but then it's time for a bigger wallet and a bigger car. Dating is the biggest BS ever. A bad deal. They're just like monkeys swinging from vine to vines, only the humanoid women are swinging from sausage to sausage.
They don't understand and care about the depression, the debts and the homelessness that followed after abandonning me. I'm done trying my best for some stranger. I can't even be friends with a woman anymore because I've truely grown to ultimately hate them all with the same passion I once tried to love one. I became a true mysogynist. One with pride.
I'll show the world my toxic masculinity and I can hold it with 2 hands.
I am definitely the dissmisive avoidant type. At the same time I do identify with the Fearful Avoidant in the sense that I also crave relationships.
Negative perspectives amd overly reserved
Difficulty taking responsibility for actions
And ofcourse always trying to keep conversation at surface level
And distrust in every single person out there including myself
#7 Is my entire life. I am so afraid of rejection and abandonment! The backpack is too heavy and I’d like to put it down and take everything out of it. I’d like to put light things in it instead.
When i was 14, i met this guy who was 16 at the time. Our parents knew each other so i would see him almost every day. At first he was like this cute innocent guy and just a few months after we started dating he would force me to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol and steal from stores. And if i wouldn’t he would threaten me. I was always afraid to break up with him but somehow we crossed paths. I never brought this subject up to my parents but a while ago i finally did. They didn’t believe me and literally told me that he was the nicest guy they ever knew and would never do such stuff. Last year he got arrested. I’m 20 years old now and ever since then i have always been afraid to build a relationship even tho i NEED someone in my life.
I think they hit the nail on the head. Im like johnny cash. I walk the line.
Perfect video for me. I know who I am a bit more now..
I think I unintentionally was too hard on myself as a child my parents could have cared less if I got good grades they just wanted me to try my best but for some reason I decided I needed to get all As and do everything perfect which has messed me up severely I used to be normalish but now idk what is wrong with me
My fear is someone getting to know me and then hating me or rejecting me. I did grow up in an emotionally neglectful household.
Wow!!!! This is totally me. I suffered so much throughout my life. I never had a year without multiple traumatic events.
Ah yes. Childhood, teen years, all messed up by bullying and overprotective family. Yep, I can see myself in all this.
Relationships hard? Try regular friendships. I'm in a constant act of control on what I say or do because most of the time I trust nobody. Vulnerability? That's the fun one because your brain sees "vulnerability" as a weakness which also creates a perfectionism syndrome as any small hole on the suit of armor you created your whole life needs to plugged and closed off.
But relationships? The kind of person I think I need probably doesn't exist:
It'd have to be someone who noticed the insecurities, created a safe space to open up and slowly work with me for it - I truly believe this doesn't exist nowadays.
attachment styles might not dictate our future, but when the avoidant thing becomes the logical thing, a way out seems hard....and pointless. I was 100% fearful avoidant, i have outgrown it somewhat, maybe partially transitioned to dismissive, but i do not mind sharing stuff about myself, since that's how you meet likeminded people, hard as it can be given the wide spectrum of interests I have and want to keep having.
All if not all, mom killed herself at 5 pretty much sums that up...I, have &, anxious attachment. Toxic ? I push people away . Clingless sets me , off.
.. I'm,not used to healthy, relationship. Avoidness fear of being vulnerable... not used to it.
I have a mix of both anxious attachments and avoidant styles; plus adhd which makes rejection or cancelled plans so much more hurtful and seems personal at times
i agree with most of them, but i might be more of a mix between the two
i’ve experienced mental abuse/death/bullying for the past few years and they feel like bricks falling on top of me, so much so i’m afraid to talk to anyone, it’s usually the other one that has to start the conversation then i will roll.
but really it’s just me fearing being used and betrayed, and it’s also me being afraid they won’t like me, but i tend to play a chill guy most of the time.
the only time i can truly show who i truly am is when i’m around close friends, as i know i can trust those people as i know they won’t betray me.
did i really need to rant about this? ehh whatever
“You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying yourself is part of the battle.”
- Julian Seifter
“Part of my identity is saying no to things I don’t want to do… I check in with myself throughout the day and I say, ‘Do I really want to do this?’ and if the answer is no, then I don’t do it. And you shouldn’t either.”
- Lady Gaga
“If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl, but by all means, keep moving.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
What happened to the narrator Ms. Silvera?
The more i watch these the more i feel upset about myself and the phase i am currently stuck in for a while.
Looking back I did this to myself. I had a good group of people around me I just had one bad experience in 3rd grade and thought “oh, this is what romance is like. This sucks. I’m not doing that again.” And I don’t know how I did it but I just changed my entire outlook on this shit.
To be honest thanks to school traumas especially in my first years, I have definitly a fearful avoidance style and I am autistic that got the last years worse, while my mom have a dismissive avoidance style this is the biggest chaos duo u can think off, because I cant talk with people and she loves her independence and talking only to a few people. Like always having one bff only the whole time.
Hope it gets better for me stil but its kinda hard showing love when someone loves to be alone 😂
I am somewhere between dismissive and fearful. Which leads me to believe that I might not have had a great childhood..i honestly don't remember, my memory is patchy, which in retrospect, is also probably a sign. 😅
Not exactly.
I’m a FA, caused by emotional abuse/neglect in my church school/church environment + hot/cold dismissiveness/punishment vs abuse of my emotional needs by my caregives and extended family
I’m not “dismissive of others.” Neither are other FAs I know personally and care for dearly. We’re dismissive of OURSELVES, and it’s the internal rollercoaster and hypervigilance we experience internally of Nobody Cares/We’re going to be betrayed/others are just waiting to hurt us/we don’t deserve any sort of regard that causes us to oscilate between feeling this need to cling but pry our own fingers open to let go, or deliberately display rough edges to keep most or all people away, or wanting to shove others away when either feeling rejected or if something’s too good to possibly be true
And this comes out when our wounds get triggered, and what triggers that is different for every FA, although romantic relationships by nature often carry several potential landmines.
We can feel confident or at least like we can politely fake aquaintanceship or other casual or professional interactions…but when anything deeper like a more intimate friendship or the commitment required for a romantic relationship (but our only Guidebook is to basically disregard ourselves, fawn, and watch for signs the other person isn’t trustworthy and/or will callously hurt us) …yeah. We are going to be triggered into more forefront vs compartmentalized inner turmoil regardless of how tightly we try to hold it together to protect the other person
Healing from FA is quite literally healing from complex or more typical traumas. And no, we’re no more likely to be “abusers” than dismissive avoidants neglecting their partners, or anxious preoccupied partners being controlling.
This speaks to me
Whauu hope to heal from that ❤️☀️🌙
Loved the voice so much
He has a channel called Rufus Stories if you want to hear his voice more
today I learned something new about myself
We deserve love🌈💙🌈
LOVE doesn't deserve us
I'm definitely number 3 not only that I just don't like talking to people
i am not surprised at all after watching this video 😌
That's me, afraid being rejected, not feeling worthy to be loved 😢
I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I want to connect, but only if they want to be genuine friends. Till then, I keep myself in self imposed exile where it hurts less.
Afraid of love?
No, afraid of people.
The end.
The problem isn't that I don't want to deepen the bond but that I never learned how to do that. Also people are difficult 😅
Can you guys do a vid for people struggling with a record? :( people have their lives ruined because they slipped up or made a mistake and don't get any second chances. Society views you as subhuman and it feels awful...
Yup. I feel you on that one. If you were to take a look at my bio on here, you'd notice I had great plans for myself until I f*cked it all up. What's worse, because of the category I'm in, as long as I'm on parole, I have to pretty much tell people what I did if they were to want to date me. So I just avoid it for now.
@ogshotglass9291 I get it man. I'm scared of even making connections with people at this point. Know that there's people like me in your exact situation. I was going to be a therapist and social worker, but now my efforts and degree are useless. So many people can get stuff dismissed on the news, but it's always the public that gets their lives ruined.
This made me realize I might just be a dismissive avoidant
great video
this is such a good video.. im starting to suspect that i went from being anxious attachment to fearful avoidant.. but sometimes when i get too comfy with my partner, i ended up talking about dark heavy/deep topic that he isnt comfortable engaging in.. so would i still be fearful avoidant even if i like engaging about deep convo?
Such a good video thankyou ❤️😊🙏
Please do a video about non dating relationships for the FA type
Great video
Thank you :) Did you relate to any of these signs?
@@Psych2go yes
We getting called out with this one
This should have been called "Fearful Avoidant style vs. Dismissive Avoidant style"
Thank you so much for this video.
No problem! We hope this helps. Did you relate to any of these signs?
@@Psych2go I actually did.
Dismissive avoidant here. I'm also a male submissive, masochist who desires unrealistic interests or fantasize toxic relationships that could only work in fictional settings.
I’m neverrr gonna have a healthy romantic relationship. I just know that’s not real for me, so I’m just focusing on trying to make friends:)
I know my therapist told me i have this but i related to much to this😭😭
Wow number three hits hard
I feel like dating apps are turning people into avoidants, or dramatically increasing those who were already :/
It's terrible.
I feel like most of these apply to me, except for the last one. I rarely see myself as a victim, even if I am being directly attacked or constantly abused or bullied. Somehow, my mind always makes me think I am guilty for everything, even for being mistreated. Does this happen to anyone else too?
can you please share those tools which helped you regulate your nervous system??
relate to all the rest but can't really relate to the last one. I know I'm responsible, which makes it so much harder because I know its all my fault and that all in my life that sucks, its because I suck.
A bit of a mix of both
Though it has more to me not being a people person and less of avoidance
Thank you so much. If it werent for you, i couldn't have a girlfriend right now!
Can we talk about disorganized attachment too? 😢
Can you have multiple at ones?
New video dropped 🧍♀️
I wish i could cry
Can you answer my question please why do i always cry when someone tells me im wrong they dont even yell at me but they tell me in a calm voice but then i just get scared and start to break up in tears and i honestly just want to know because im a very sensitive person i have social anxiety and other stuff and i did have trauma in my past like sexual abuse and physical abuse for about 5 years im certainly 16 and i just want to live an normal life and be like normal people and i get super worried of what people would think of me and when that happens i just cant think straight and start to panic and i start messing up on the most simples things
Why does number 8 imply that because you have had similar experiences that make you feel victimized, it is automatically because you are refusing to take responsibility? What are we refusing to take responsibility for?
Wow this video basically summarized who I am . 😢
I guess I need help and I just never knew .
I hate romantic love. The concept of it is so confusing. You wake up and the first thing you do is want a person who may not even be available. You feel attraction for the most random people, a knot in your throat even from trying to have a conversation. I don’t understand it. I’ve felt it but I no longer want anything to do with it. I’ve only ever been in one relationship and that’s all I found I could withstand.
How do people fall in love so freely? The idea of letting someone into your heart like that, so much so that they could damage and scar it so intensely. I don’t understand why people would want that.
So how do I love someone with this attachment style? Like what exactly should I do?
5:03 to 5:07. This is true