This video is being uploaded in crazy timing because just yesterday, an ex of mine with avoidant attachment style texted me. My attachment style isn’t anxious, it’s secure, but she’s apologising for ghosting me (again) and everything else that happened in between. As a former avoidant myself it allows me to have compassion and understanding for her but I’m not rekindling anything because she triggers anxious attachment tendencies whenever we interact. I love her, just not enough to sabotage my recovery and disrespect my boundaries.
Oh, I'm also in a situation like yours. Except that I have an anxious style of attachment. She's not perfect (and has an avoidant attachment style), but I still love her. So, now I have a lot of troubles like anxiety, suicidal thoughts, apathy, sleep disorders and etc. Honestly, the past few years in my life were not great at all. A few weeks ago, I had the courage to sign up for a local mental health service. It hasn't helped me much yet, but I hope someday I will be able to enjoy life again. And she will come back to me...
@@ushouldhaveinstalledlinux I hope that you’ll be able to continue receiving the help you need, and that you’ll be surrounded by people who can promote more positive responses in your being than self inflicted and destructive ones. Myself personally, as someone who’s been in therapy, attending support workshops and regularly doing self-help exercises I want nothing but other securely attached and healthy people around me. I have so much care and compassion for others but I’m not going above and beyond for anyone anymore.
I understand where you’re coming from and I’m glad that you got that and that she was able to recognize in herself that she needed help but here’s the problem. I’ve dated a person like that and it’s emotionally and mentally draining.
Aaand this is ladies and gentlemens, how secure people handles these situations. Has emphaty but loyal to his feelings and boundaries in the meanwhile. He know ehat he has to do and move on. He has self-respect. Thank you for sharing. - An AP guy
@@ushouldhaveinstalledlinux listen here dude. You are not in love, you are trauma bonded. You mix the two. Love can hapoen when there is saftey. Look at you. You know this is not saftey deep down. You dont feel safe. You dont respect yourself. You dont repect your feelings. But you respect her feelings. How can you f.king do it with yourself?! HOW?! How dare you hurt someone???? That someone is you! Get that theraphy asap, learn to grieve, to focus on yourself and not on her, find yourself in you not in her. Build new relationships with new ppl, get out, get that fning life NOW! - Someone AP with an avoidant ex who lived exactly the same and also trying to do the same
I as a previously anxiously attached person have been in this type of relationship with an avoidant and unfortunately it doesn't work out. It only perpetuates the anxious feeling with someone like that, like you are never good enough and you keep on trying to get closer to them. Afterwards after setting boundaries for myself and others, I met my fiancé and who is extremely secure and gave me enough validation from the get go. After 1,5 years together I noticed my anxious attachment style was cured and now after about 5 years, I cannot imagine being anxious again (still could definitely happen) but I never ever question my fiancé whether he really loves me. I realised only with a securely attached partner can you truly heal.
That's a big realization! I'm glad that you were able to meet someone who was compatible and helped you become the person you needed to be. It's true, sometimes, we need a healthy model to learn from to grow.
@@lindsey4097 Yes, in the beginning I was super in love, right away, which I now know is not a good sign. I thought he was perfect. Until red flags started showing up and I felt like I just needed to accept them to be with him. When the red flags kept coming I became bitter but still couldn't leave. To answer whether I thought he was the one: Only in the beginning, later with the red flags I had cognitive dissonance meaning I saw him doing things that were hurtful (showing me he was not a good guy) but still was in love with him. It was hard. Now looking back I really don't understand what I saw in this person, he had really nothing to offer. With another ex of mine I still see what he had to offer, how sweet he was but this avoidant ex, I just really think he has nothing to offer women. As a secure person now I would not have even noticed him.
I'm an avoidant in a relationship with an anxious partner and I can confirm 100% the only key is communication. I was not good at it at all at the beginning and the communication itself was something that made me feel so overwhelmed, like he was trying to cross my boundaries just because he was asking for some reassurance. It was awful but I didn't run away (even if I got extremely close) and things slowly improved. At least now I'm able to reassure him when he asks for it and I don't feel trapped by this request as I did before. I see it as something he does not do to control me, but to feel better himself, and this change in perspective changed my point of view in the relationship. I'm not sure I will ever be able to switch entirely to a secure attachment, it seems to me a goal so far away, but I'm really doing my best
Such a short instance of education has awakened a sense of understanding of my relationship and even all relationships. It’s not about how toxic we can be. It’s about if we’re willing to talk about what hurts us and also look into ourselves when we’re told the same (at least in this dynamic)
Intimacy requires vulnerability. Ours, with ourselves, and theirs, with theirself and also with us. It's trust, but also something else. An inner, often _uncomfortable_ honesty that most people never seem to reach.
As an anxious person, being with an avoidant is just horrible, especially if they literally avoid everything what you say to them and continue to hurt you with their actions. If you are an avoidant, then please go to therapy before you enter a new relationship.
It's even worse when the avoidant love bombs you the first 2 weeks and after that gives you no affection and love anymore. Happened to me, broke up with my bf recently after 2 months of torture.
If you have issues that prevent you from healthy relationships it's very helpful to try therapy to see if you are able to improve. This is true for any attachment style, it is really important to recognize.
Exactly. Like i want / love to be/being alone but like of someone i know is in the room i just stay as near as possible. Also if someone leaves me and i didn't see imma think they died, Dont like me, or got hurt
Sounds like a perfect match, where one person constantly worrying about the relationship while the other person is constantly avoiding it. But regardless of what type of relationship it is, misunderstandings and emotional struggles are inevitable in an indifferent universe.
i’d love another video on combinations of the other attachment styles as well as the most damaging traits these styles have and possible solutions for these various types of hurt people. i’d say i have the avoidance and the disorganized style and this video helped me a little with understanding my bf more, who i believe to have the anxious attachment style.
its an awful combination: anxious tries to get close, avoidant suffers and gains distance, distance kills anxious one making him/her to get even closer, making avoidant feel worse and increase the gap even harder: they never find each other
@@Psych2go I now know for sure I'm an anxious attachment girl but I'm trying to unlearn some of my habits and be more reliant on myself and others around me because holding on too close to my boyfriend might not be healthy for us
Been there. I am / was (I think I made an improvement towards being secure) the anxious one and she is the avoidant. I discussed this with my friend who is a therapist and found out about these attachment styles and confronted my then girlfriend about it and discussed it with her, because I really cared for her and I wanted to work on making it work. But she said she does not want to change and wants to do everything the way she does (According to my therapist friend, it is actually common for avoidants and they very rarely want to work on getting to a secure attachment style), so as painful as it was, I had to break up with her. And in the end I am happy I made that decision. So advice for others, don't stay in a relationship where the other person does not want to work on the relationship and you would be the only one to do so.
This video is 100% true. After spending 18 years with an avoidant husband I called quit. For For both of us, life is too short to live in a miserable relationship. We are happily coparenting a beautiful 4 year old. On my side I am healing wounds from my marriage and working on my anxious attachment.
I was in this kind of relationship. Im the avoidant, and she's the anxious. During the early months, it was great. We loved each other's company. But overtime, the cracks began to appear. More and more, i started to resent her and harbored negative feelings towards her, and it showed. She notices it and we both try to work it out, but it kept coming up a lot to the point of me actually lashing out on her. I felt horrible, and it sent me into a spiral of depression and unworthiness. She reassured me, but those negative feelings didnt fade away. So then we had our on off moments. We had this negative moment happen every month. She displayed the anxious traits of being too clingy, needs constant reassurance, etc. And those traits annoy me after a while due to my avoidant nature. Then the final straw happened, and i was on the verge of breaking things off. We called, and i brought it up to her, which was incredibly difficult to do. She asked if i want to break up, and i thought long and hard, but eventually i muttered the words, and agreed we should break up. I reasoned that this is an unhealthy cycle and i dont want to inflict more damage on her, and on myself. It was an awfully difficult moment for both of us, and we both cried. I said that even if we broke up, we can still be friends instead, and she agreed. But in the end, we sent each other a really long and heartfelt apology message, and we stopped texting from there. If we texted each other again, it would be incredibly difficult for her, since she's a very sensitive woman. If you're reading this, Im so sorry for the bad things i've done, and thank you for the happy beautiful moments we shared.
You could tell her in person ... i hope you find confidence one day my man - she wants to hear it even if it's been 10 years - that's how most humans operate If you see this i encourage you to tell her with your voice - don't leave it on a text - nobody really heals that way Good luck -
Timestamps 1). You want a hug 0:46 2). Are we out of the woods 1:49 3). Put them together and what do we have 2:48 Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
I'm an anxious who has been dating an avoidant for the past almost 2 years. I get super anxious if he goes more than a couple of hours without texting me during the week when we're not together due to work, even though he ALWAYS consistently texts me and stops by to see me every morning on the way to work and every afternoon after work, and we are together every single weekend for the entirety of the weekend as well as holidays. I need almost constant physical and emotional affection when we're together on the weekends, and I have a major fear of abandonment. He, on the other hand, avoids displaying any emotion whatsoever and almost seems terrified of love and emotional intimacy. He went through a very tumultuous divorce and I'm a widow who was in a very emotionally abusive and miserable marriage, so we both have our baggage. We have a very strong bond, have an amazing time together, and we're also best friends, but he is obviously very fearful and avoidant when I am the polar opposite.
Yes, I like these attachment style videos. Please make more. I'm still trying to figure out what my attachment style could really be. This is a very good channel. I like the cartoon-style videos and calm voices used. Thank you. 😌❤️
I'm doing better, thanks! 😊 I'm noticing that I'm finally embracing a more "secure" attachment style despite my past experiences in life However, my potential significant other is currently showing shades of the other three due to an unfortunate outcome of recent events that stems from repetitive pain that she's experienced prior, and it's ultimately dimming her light in a way. It's as if the bandage just keeps getting ripped off of her wounds by someone before it even has a chance to begin healing. But with me in the picture, things are different for her this time around. With us, things were moving pretty fast. As result of "Feeling Better", she almost removed the bandage too soon and thus noticed that some unhealed scabs are still there so we had lean off of one another a bit. Our bond however, hasn't changed but has actually improved a lot. The key factor that's helping us out so much is that we both are emotionally aware of our own feelings, the good and the bad. So we're now taking baby steps. Patience, Communication, and Consistency are my top priorities moving forward 😁
I would absolutely love another video of this and possibly more in depth! I’m the anxious attachment and my bf of 6 years and 6 months is the avoidant attachment (yeah still not married lol). I wish I knew more what to do because I’m the sensitive clingy one and he is the stand-offish kinda mean one. I’m happy this video was created!
If this gives anyone hope I was in a relationship with a dismissive/avoidant as an anxious person and they can work out. It was exactly as described in the video for a while, the good news is that this can change with communication and trust. Over the years me and my partner’s relationship changed from a push/pull dynamic to secure attachment. It took work but right now she is the person I love and trust most :)
@@angelaw9006 it took years (3-4) and I wasn’t the best person either. I didn’t bring it up all at once but a bunch of small conversations from both of us, I also earned her trust which helped her communicate better. There’s no wrong way to bring it up but my advice is to not be passive agressive or accusatory. Also ask how they feel too. If you’re respectful it probably won’t take as long as it did for us but also be patient! Make sure they care too lol, like don’t let someone walk all over you just because you’re waiting. Good luck and take care of urself :)
@@mars_starz420 so basically he would say let’s break up like 3 times now and every time he would send me memes or saying our nicknames that we use for each other. And that’s basically what I did before like I would never bring it up all at once and before I never knew I had anxious attachment style and have been educating myself on this. I basically went back to my apt and he’s at his and basically the 2hrs away he texted me a pic of a pizza pie he got and said I made him(the nickname I use for him) sad and I replied back then what will make him happy etc and he said something along the lines of just dancing and being happy and I asked if (nickname he uses for me) and he said (my nickname) can join if she behaves and I was like he still thinks there was nothing wrong w him and that I am in the wrong w issues and basically I talked to my therapist and talked abt his avoidant type and I texted that to him and the lists of what I believe he does and maybe he can check it out and I also texted abt what my attachment is and listed things that I know I have and working on and said I’m willing to work on these attachment and support each other and heal each other if you are and taht we are in this together. He said he will think long and hard about this. Like what’s your opinion on that. Like do you think I should just break up?
when i am finally in a happy healthy relationship i realized that i am the problem, i always avoid physical touch with my boyfriend, expect from him a lot that am so codependant at him i almost failed my college year, i lost myself and it hurts me because it's not his fault.
The very fact that you understand this and are willing to admit it openly puts you ahead of 80% of singles. Don't be afraid to try again; you will find someone who will be patient with you for as long as you are attentive towards also helping yourself. Same boat, different creek. Good luck! :D
Paige and Holly are a couple on RUclips who are in a anxious-avoidant relationship, but they’re the couple you know will last forever. They communicate and go to couples therapy (and the way they look at each other is the reason I believe in love 😍)
I am a anxious attachment and I am still healing from my attachment but it's just sad seeing others getting into this dance. Looking back at my relationship with the dismissive avoidant. I wished I never dated him nor got back with him from the beginning. I should have just left him on read.
My dads side raised their kids like that “I’ll give u something to cry about” while the other my moms side were over protective I live between my grandparents houses and they are both very Dysfunctional my dad side if I have any struggles or any needs they’re ignored and frowned upon while my mom side is over bearing and intrusive so I’m back-and-forth a lot between really hot and really cold
Damn... I now have a word to give my "relationship" behaviour. I genuinely thought I was just overwhelming or unlovable but I never thought that my trauma could manifest like an anxious type od loving and caring for people
Mine just says - I'll get back to you ..... tick tock tick tick goes the days, months, years of my life I could have spent healed with a little communication... 18 years I've been waiting
Honestly, your best bet is to get out. It is much easier to heal AP tendencies with a secure partner. Your attraction to avoidants is likely in part due to the way in which their avoidance reinforces your feelings of unworthiness. If it's early days, I'd bail. It's what I did and I'm incredibly happy and secure in my partnership.
Struggling right now with that.. The big Problem is even when you talk about it the other one wont really understand... If the anxious part is bigger i am afraid there is no future
There _is_ no future. There is no _past_ either. There is only the _now,_ the present moment. Plan for the future by all means, but do not be anxious for or about it. 'Que será, será.' "Whatever will be, will be."
I'm definitely an avoidant and am very sparing with affection. The only exception is my kids who don't trigger the threat response to leave. My husband is an anxious and we are constantly having to communicate our needs/feelings. It's fairly difficult especially since we don't overlap in much other than upbringing and parenting. It can be done though with a ton of open communication.
A lot of people are like this. Sadly many like to assume their views are absolute and right. A lot of people avoid any form of conflict. Created way to unhealthy and unhappy boundaries. Many parents when their kids grow they use this avoidance style so in a way their feelings invalid. It is sad for those parents who show any form of emotional connection.
I have a person in my life that can't communicate, can't handle adversity and is neglectful. He has narcissistic traits and doesn't know how to love. This person makes up stories that never happened and lies consistently. The relationship is based off of lies and deception. Whoever raised this person is responsible. It's sad!!!!
Ah describes me and my ex. Honestly I'm glad I got out of it, it was painful as hell. I was anxious now I'm far more secure in my attachment, I was constantly trying to get if she "loves" me. Every time she got cold, very cold, I thought to myself "This is over". We were off and on, which I could enable her emotions only by strong emotions, I think that's why we had to break up like 3 times during the relationship. Anyway not fun, both people need to understand their behaviour is wrong and let themselves be comfortable with who they are. Understanding this hot and cold behaviour and trusting one another enough to let the fire continue.
I would love to see a video that shows how a couple can overcome retro-active jealousy (which is considered by some to be a form of relationship OCD). I've been working so hard and going through intense, pervasive, and painful anxiety in trying to come to accept my partner's past. I've only just started making progress but I would love to see this depicted and touched on in a video of yours. Please.
Anxious + Anxious could be interesting. Just a back and forth of being unsure and not communicating... On second thought, maybe that one is a bit more obvious
I’m kinda anxious attachment and my partner is an avoidant. Now I understand my struggles and why I’m not fully happy with him. I started questioning if it makes sense because I never felt that way :(
I'm in the same boat with you. When you are the anxious one, it really hurts like hell when your partner's avoiding you. I'm ready to talk it out with him, but he... doesn't seem so. I feel so disappointed :'(
Right now My Sister and her husband is in this terms its scary, scolding there kid for crying to much and not connecting and communicating well.. I just hope 1 day I want to a family not detached to each other...
As a person that had an anxious attachment style when I was with a person with an avoidant attachment style, it was so draining 😭 I always wanted to hold their hand but they would cringe or not want to and it made me thing that they didn’t like me or something and it was so bad 😭
Hey, Psych2go. After watching this I am now curious if it is possible to be a collection of different set attachments. Do you think it may be possible? When I was in my relationship with my ex I had constantly had every struggle that you had mentioned in the video along with some more, but whenever I recommended a therapist it was always shut down by either their family or mine because "in a healthy relationship, there shouldn't need to be someone on the outside holding it together." Thanks in advance! Signed, Ethan S.
Dude, it seems I've got the Avoidant attachment-style. But childhood doesn't necessarily have to be the reason. I was fine as a kid, and even had great relationships with people as a teen. It was coping with adult-age situations that changed me. I can't be the only person like this. I'm surprised all the attachment-style info findable online (so far) only explain with upbringing. Articles do seem to suggest styles can change (esp. to the healthier Secure style, in the framework of recovery/recuperation). Is there really insufficient known, documented evidence for people in Secure to switch to Avoidant, Anxious, or Disorganized? And nice video! As per your question, continuing this as a series does seem promising.
Toxic hookup culture and expectations are also to blame why many become like this. Sex is also ...always in the way as in sexual intimacy only but outside the bedroom nothing matters. They love physical intimacy but outside the bed other needs to simple things that aren't dysfunctional causing these avoidant to codependent things arise. Both parties or just one will never admit or recognize this. It is sad, but true. Modern dating is at its worse for lustful satisfaction. "Postive vibes only" also always get in the way. Creating stigma. #endstigma2024
as a girl w avoidant attachment style, it’s so uncomfortable when i’m vulnerable. it feels like everything in my body is telling me to flee. like i want to be in a relationship but i don’t know how i should react or respond
I have anxiety. Sooo, I'm not sure about my attachment style honestly 😢 I have been neglected by relationships because the other person is toxic and they end up getting jealous of me for having my life together... But this video was very informative, thank you
The issue is holding space. When you didn't have space held for you then you don't know how to hold space for others and that's the foundation of a relationship.
I’m not quite sure where I fall. I get upset easily because I’ve had a rough time growing up. Even to the point my fiancé is frustrated that it’s been two years and not much has changed. Certain things trigger me and I thought he knows this, but I guess not
from what i understand taking this to a relationship therapst. is only for does that are in relationship that is atleast 2 years. atleast here in netherlands and belgium where i asked about they did'nt see to help because we were not enough time together. sadly because of that and also because i did'nt know about attachment style back in my relationship we broke up leaving me frustreded.
He didn't want to go to couple therapy, because it had the word couple in it Later he accepted to go, but that we first give it a shot by ourselves, well shit ended badly He started ghosting me and appearing to give me bread crumbs, and I feel for it I broke up the situationship and it's been really hard, but I hope things get better, I still miss him
Disorganized is our type of one During exams i got so stressed i said so many words to her She is a soft girl who fell for me hard and was extremely sensitive to whatever i said Out of stress and my already existent trust issues made me so many things and now she believes she is all the things i said to her at those times She left but she still cares for me and isn’t sure if she’ll come back I want her tk the absolute beauty in her and how beautiful she is but idk how to remove the things that hurt her so much and is in her head I wanna marry her and take her as my wife no matter what so i ask you people for help on what should i do
Talk to her and tell her you are sorry about all of it... Make her understand through your actions more than words.. Tell her if she gives u a chance you promise to mend and fix her heart and fill it with endless love dear... Hope it helps... Tell her everything.. Why and what made you say such things to her which you never meant to say and assure her.. now you have understood it all.. say you can't erase the past but u promise to fill her future with so much of bliss that she forgets to look back in the past May you both get back together and keep loving each other unconditionally Take care.
@@minnie-cb18 I’ve told her a thousand times that when i said those words it wasn’t even the real me and she didn’t believe me when i said it She kept saying it won’t work on and on how we aren’t compatible (we are but that phase made her think otherwise) rn she restricted me in instagram and idk how else to contact her because we only meet properly after many months She still cares for me ik but i just dk how to get those words out of her head I’ve wrote paragraphs about her beauty When i sent vms about how i was wrong and sorry she said why say these to me after i waited and waited and waited and after i made up my mind I said I realized my mistakes and I’m sorry Now she says she can’t take it but when asked about going back she just says idk or dk or I can’t and stuff like that But she still holds love and she didn’t rule out going back completely so just please keep me in your prayers I hope i can make this girl my wife and live happily with her
I prefer his way to talk. I am a no native speaker and it's important to me to have well defined words regarding the pronunciation of the ends of the words, before starting next and the are some highs and lows when he pronounce. If it's a bit monotone and fast, my brain can't get it. I love the girls talk and voice but in poetry.
Could you make a video about how to help someone with abusive parents I really need it since i have a friend that struggles with that and shes crying in his room all day, she dosent even eat sometimes to avoid his parents
I am in an anxious avoidant relationship with myself. What do I do about that? Do you have any suggestions. I am not being sarcastic, just looking for help.
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As a dismissive avoidant I'm gonna go with another dismissive avoidant and we can happily avoid each other.
MOOD 😆😆
@@MoodyBluesRequiem80my thoughts exactly bro 😂😂😂😂
As a Dismissive Avoidant 😂
My ex did pretty much did exactly this. Seems to work out well for him, but seeing it from the outside seems to be a bit of an empty relationship.
Lol lol
This video is being uploaded in crazy timing because just yesterday, an ex of mine with avoidant attachment style texted me. My attachment style isn’t anxious, it’s secure, but she’s apologising for ghosting me (again) and everything else that happened in between. As a former avoidant myself it allows me to have compassion and understanding for her but I’m not rekindling anything because she triggers anxious attachment tendencies whenever we interact. I love her, just not enough to sabotage my recovery and disrespect my boundaries.
Oh, I'm also in a situation like yours. Except that I have an anxious style of attachment. She's not perfect (and has an avoidant attachment style), but I still love her. So, now I have a lot of troubles like anxiety, suicidal thoughts, apathy, sleep disorders and etc. Honestly, the past few years in my life were not great at all.
A few weeks ago, I had the courage to sign up for a local mental health service. It hasn't helped me much yet, but I hope someday I will be able to enjoy life again. And she will come back to me...
@@ushouldhaveinstalledlinux I hope that you’ll be able to continue receiving the help you need, and that you’ll be surrounded by people who can promote more positive responses in your being than self inflicted and destructive ones.
Myself personally, as someone who’s been in therapy, attending support workshops and regularly doing self-help exercises I want nothing but other securely attached and healthy people around me. I have so much care and compassion for others but I’m not going above and beyond for anyone anymore.
I understand where you’re coming from and I’m glad that you got that and that she was able to recognize in herself that she needed help but here’s the problem. I’ve dated a person like that and it’s emotionally and mentally draining.
Aaand this is ladies and gentlemens, how secure people handles these situations. Has emphaty but loyal to his feelings and boundaries in the meanwhile. He know ehat he has to do and move on. He has self-respect. Thank you for sharing.
- An AP guy
@@ushouldhaveinstalledlinux listen here dude. You are not in love, you are trauma bonded. You mix the two. Love can hapoen when there is saftey. Look at you. You know this is not saftey deep down. You dont feel safe. You dont respect yourself. You dont repect your feelings. But you respect her feelings. How can you f.king do it with yourself?! HOW?! How dare you hurt someone???? That someone is you!
Get that theraphy asap, learn to grieve, to focus on yourself and not on her, find yourself in you not in her. Build new relationships with new ppl, get out, get that fning life NOW!
- Someone AP with an avoidant ex who lived exactly the same and also trying to do the same
I as a previously anxiously attached person have been in this type of relationship with an avoidant and unfortunately it doesn't work out. It only perpetuates the anxious feeling with someone like that, like you are never good enough and you keep on trying to get closer to them. Afterwards after setting boundaries for myself and others, I met my fiancé and who is extremely secure and gave me enough validation from the get go. After 1,5 years together I noticed my anxious attachment style was cured and now after about 5 years, I cannot imagine being anxious again (still could definitely happen) but I never ever question my fiancé whether he really loves me. I realised only with a securely attached partner can you truly heal.
That's a big realization! I'm glad that you were able to meet someone who was compatible and helped you become the person you needed to be. It's true, sometimes, we need a healthy model to learn from to grow.
Praying for a secure person after dating an avoidant who broke my heart into pieces 😢
When you were with the avoidant, did you ever feel like you would never find better or that like he was the one ?
@@lindsey4097 Yes, in the beginning I was super in love, right away, which I now know is not a good sign. I thought he was perfect. Until red flags started showing up and I felt like I just needed to accept them to be with him. When the red flags kept coming I became bitter but still couldn't leave. To answer whether I thought he was the one: Only in the beginning, later with the red flags I had cognitive dissonance meaning I saw him doing things that were hurtful (showing me he was not a good guy) but still was in love with him. It was hard. Now looking back I really don't understand what I saw in this person, he had really nothing to offer. With another ex of mine I still see what he had to offer, how sweet he was but this avoidant ex, I just really think he has nothing to offer women. As a secure person now I would not have even noticed him.
I'm an avoidant in a relationship with an anxious partner and I can confirm 100% the only key is communication. I was not good at it at all at the beginning and the communication itself was something that made me feel so overwhelmed, like he was trying to cross my boundaries just because he was asking for some reassurance. It was awful but I didn't run away (even if I got extremely close) and things slowly improved. At least now I'm able to reassure him when he asks for it and I don't feel trapped by this request as I did before. I see it as something he does not do to control me, but to feel better himself, and this change in perspective changed my point of view in the relationship. I'm not sure I will ever be able to switch entirely to a secure attachment, it seems to me a goal so far away, but I'm really doing my best
I can tell, that you already made an incredibly big and difficult step. Great job!
Good job, I can understand the feelings but you are doing so well!
Such a short instance of education has awakened a sense of understanding of my relationship and even all relationships. It’s not about how toxic we can be. It’s about if we’re willing to talk about what hurts us and also look into ourselves when we’re told the same (at least in this dynamic)
Intimacy requires vulnerability.
Ours, with ourselves, and theirs, with theirself and also with us.
It's trust, but also something else. An inner, often _uncomfortable_ honesty that most people never seem to reach.
As an anxious person, being with an avoidant is just horrible, especially if they literally avoid everything what you say to them and continue to hurt you with their actions. If you are an avoidant, then please go to therapy before you enter a new relationship.
It's even worse when the avoidant love bombs you the first 2 weeks and after that gives you no affection and love anymore. Happened to me, broke up with my bf recently after 2 months of torture.
it is so incredibly painful
If you have issues that prevent you from healthy relationships it's very helpful to try therapy to see if you are able to improve. This is true for any attachment style, it is really important to recognize.
REAL
Ummmm did you ever stop to think if you’re avoidant there’s a reason for it and we can all work together. This isn’t about attacking one another.
Timestamp!
-0:21 Attachment styles
-0:46 avoidant attachment
-1:37 Anxious attachment
-2:49 What would happen?
@@chisaten oh I'll fix that
Later
I felt so personally targeted with both of the main focus attachment styles 💀
Exactly. Like i want / love to be/being alone but like of someone i know is in the room i just stay as near as possible. Also if someone leaves me and i didn't see imma think they died, Dont like me, or got hurt
@@kaishaelixira. for me it’s, oh no, they’re gonna leave so I’m just not gonna trust em. The when I trust them, I’m worried they’re gonna leave
@@Fandomerr this is more so disorganized which is a mix of both of the main focus attachment styles
@@maggy7015 ah I see 👍
Just got out of a relationship with a dismissive avoidant a few months ago, NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!
Sounds like a perfect match, where one person constantly worrying about the relationship while the other person is constantly avoiding it. But regardless of what type of relationship it is, misunderstandings and emotional struggles are inevitable in an indifferent universe.
As long as they talk it out... I think it should be good
It is not a perfect match
i’d love another video on combinations of the other attachment styles as well as the most damaging traits these styles have and possible solutions for these various types of hurt people. i’d say i have the avoidance and the disorganized style and this video helped me a little with understanding my bf more, who i believe to have the anxious attachment style.
It really ain't. I had to break it off because of the anxiety can be too much
its an awful combination: anxious tries to get close, avoidant suffers and gains distance, distance kills anxious one making him/her to get even closer, making avoidant feel worse and increase the gap even harder: they never find each other
Just when I'm having doubts with my anxious self
What did you learn?
@@Psych2go I now know for sure I'm an anxious attachment girl but I'm trying to unlearn some of my habits and be more reliant on myself and others around me because holding on too close to my boyfriend might not be healthy for us
Been there. I am / was (I think I made an improvement towards being secure) the anxious one and she is the avoidant. I discussed this with my friend who is a therapist and found out about these attachment styles and confronted my then girlfriend about it and discussed it with her, because I really cared for her and I wanted to work on making it work. But she said she does not want to change and wants to do everything the way she does (According to my therapist friend, it is actually common for avoidants and they very rarely want to work on getting to a secure attachment style), so as painful as it was, I had to break up with her. And in the end I am happy I made that decision. So advice for others, don't stay in a relationship where the other person does not want to work on the relationship and you would be the only one to do so.
How dare you assume I'm a jelly when I'm such a peanut butter 😂
"They will come to me, when they are ready" ❤ Thank you Moonlight guidance 🙏🏾
This video is 100% true. After spending 18 years with an avoidant husband I called quit. For For both of us, life is too short to live in a miserable relationship.
We are happily coparenting a beautiful 4 year old.
On my side I am healing wounds from my marriage and working on my anxious attachment.
I was in this kind of relationship. Im the avoidant, and she's the anxious. During the early months, it was great. We loved each other's company.
But overtime, the cracks began to appear. More and more, i started to resent her and harbored negative feelings towards her, and it showed. She notices it and we both try to work it out, but it kept coming up a lot to the point of me actually lashing out on her. I felt horrible, and it sent me into a spiral of depression and unworthiness. She reassured me, but those negative feelings didnt fade away.
So then we had our on off moments. We had this negative moment happen every month. She displayed the anxious traits of being too clingy, needs constant reassurance, etc. And those traits annoy me after a while due to my avoidant nature.
Then the final straw happened, and i was on the verge of breaking things off. We called, and i brought it up to her, which was incredibly difficult to do. She asked if i want to break up, and i thought long and hard, but eventually i muttered the words, and agreed we should break up. I reasoned that this is an unhealthy cycle and i dont want to inflict more damage on her, and on myself.
It was an awfully difficult moment for both of us, and we both cried. I said that even if we broke up, we can still be friends instead, and she agreed. But in the end, we sent each other a really long and heartfelt apology message, and we stopped texting from there. If we texted each other again, it would be incredibly difficult for her, since she's a very sensitive woman.
If you're reading this, Im so sorry for the bad things i've done, and thank you for the happy beautiful moments we shared.
You could tell her in person ... i hope you find confidence one day my man - she wants to hear it even if it's been 10 years - that's how most humans operate
If you see this i encourage you to tell her with your voice - don't leave it on a text - nobody really heals that way
Good luck -
Any update ?
Timestamps
1). You want a hug 0:46
2). Are we out of the woods 1:49
3). Put them together and what do we have 2:48
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙
I'd like to see a video on disorganized aka fearful-avoidant attachment style
I'm an anxious who has been dating an avoidant for the past almost 2 years. I get super anxious if he goes more than a couple of hours without texting me during the week when we're not together due to work, even though he ALWAYS consistently texts me and stops by to see me every morning on the way to work and every afternoon after work, and we are together every single weekend for the entirety of the weekend as well as holidays. I need almost constant physical and emotional affection when we're together on the weekends, and I have a major fear of abandonment. He, on the other hand, avoids displaying any emotion whatsoever and almost seems terrified of love and emotional intimacy. He went through a very tumultuous divorce and I'm a widow who was in a very emotionally abusive and miserable marriage, so we both have our baggage. We have a very strong bond, have an amazing time together, and we're also best friends, but he is obviously very fearful and avoidant when I am the polar opposite.
I’m still recovering from this 😭
Hope this video can help you out!
Keep up and don’t lose hope my friend! 😊
Same bro, I was the anxious attachment. And it was toxic with a bit of emotional manipulation 🥰
Boy it's the type of breakup that will change your soul
Yes, I like these attachment style videos. Please make more. I'm still trying to figure out what my attachment style could really be. This is a very good channel. I like the cartoon-style videos and calm voices used. Thank you. 😌❤️
Please do a video over the origins of disorganized attachment styles and how they appear as well as affect relationships!
The timing of this video is impeccable
How are you doing now?
I'm doing better, thanks! 😊
I'm noticing that I'm finally embracing a more "secure" attachment style despite my past experiences in life
However, my potential significant other is currently showing shades of the other three due to an unfortunate outcome of recent events that stems from repetitive pain that she's experienced prior, and it's ultimately dimming her light in a way.
It's as if the bandage just keeps getting ripped off of her wounds by someone before it even has a chance to begin healing. But with me in the picture, things are different for her this time around.
With us, things were moving pretty fast. As result of "Feeling Better", she almost removed the bandage too soon and thus noticed that some unhealed scabs are still there so we had lean off of one another a bit.
Our bond however, hasn't changed but has actually improved a lot.
The key factor that's helping us out so much is that we both are emotionally aware of our own feelings, the good and the bad.
So we're now taking baby steps. Patience, Communication, and Consistency are my top priorities moving forward 😁
Great examples. Thank you. Yes, more videos on attachment styles would be great.
I would absolutely love another video of this and possibly more in depth! I’m the anxious attachment and my bf of 6 years and 6 months is the avoidant attachment (yeah still not married lol). I wish I knew more what to do because I’m the sensitive clingy one and he is the stand-offish kinda mean one. I’m happy this video was created!
We appreciate your insights. Keep working hard.
Thank you so much! Hope you learned something new from this video!
can’t have that if one has never hand or been in a relationship
but best of luck to you all that have and are having to opportunity
If this gives anyone hope I was in a relationship with a dismissive/avoidant as an anxious person and they can work out. It was exactly as described in the video for a while, the good news is that this can change with communication and trust. Over the years me and my partner’s relationship changed from a push/pull dynamic to secure attachment. It took work but right now she is the person I love and trust most :)
How long did that take u? How did u bring it up to them and what did they say
@@angelaw9006 it took years (3-4) and I wasn’t the best person either. I didn’t bring it up all at once but a bunch of small conversations from both of us, I also earned her trust which helped her communicate better. There’s no wrong way to bring it up but my advice is to not be passive agressive or accusatory. Also ask how they feel too. If you’re respectful it probably won’t take as long as it did for us but also be patient! Make sure they care too lol, like don’t let someone walk all over you just because you’re waiting. Good luck and take care of urself :)
@@mars_starz420 so basically he would say let’s break up like 3 times now and every time he would send me memes or saying our nicknames that we use for each other. And that’s basically what I did before like I would never bring it up all at once and before I never knew I had anxious attachment style and have been educating myself on this. I basically went back to my apt and he’s at his and basically the 2hrs away he texted me a pic of a pizza pie he got and said I made him(the nickname I use for him) sad and I replied back then what will make him happy etc and he said something along the lines of just dancing and being happy and I asked if (nickname he uses for me) and he said (my nickname) can join if she behaves and I was like he still thinks there was nothing wrong w him and that I am in the wrong w issues and basically I talked to my therapist and talked abt his avoidant type and I texted that to him and the lists of what I believe he does and maybe he can check it out and I also texted abt what my attachment is and listed things that I know I have and working on and said I’m willing to work on these attachment and support each other and heal each other if you are and taht we are in this together. He said he will think long and hard about this. Like what’s your opinion on that. Like do you think I should just break up?
when i am finally in a happy healthy relationship i realized that i am the problem, i always avoid physical touch with my boyfriend, expect from him a lot that am so codependant at him i almost failed my college year, i lost myself and it hurts me because it's not his fault.
The very fact that you understand this and are willing to admit it openly puts you ahead of 80% of singles.
Don't be afraid to try again; you will find someone who will be patient with you for as long as you are attentive towards also helping yourself.
Same boat, different creek. Good luck! :D
@@E4439Qv5 thank u so much dear and goodluck !!
Yes, more!
Paige and Holly are a couple on RUclips who are in a anxious-avoidant relationship, but they’re the couple you know will last forever. They communicate and go to couples therapy (and the way they look at each other is the reason I believe in love 😍)
Yes, please do. This was helpful!
I am a anxious attachment and I am still healing from my attachment but it's just sad seeing others getting into this dance.
Looking back at my relationship with the dismissive avoidant. I wished I never dated him nor got back with him from the beginning. I should have just left him on read.
My dads side raised their kids like that “I’ll give u something to cry about” while the other my moms side were over protective I live between my grandparents houses and they are both very Dysfunctional my dad side if I have any struggles or any needs they’re ignored and frowned upon while my mom side is over bearing and intrusive so I’m back-and-forth a lot between really hot and really cold
Relatable video...kindly make part 2 video for this on "Types of Attachment"
Damn... I now have a word to give my "relationship" behaviour. I genuinely thought I was just overwhelming or unlovable but I never thought that my trauma could manifest like an anxious type od loving and caring for people
Great video. I would appreciate if you could address anxious /anxious. I like the idea seeing of all of them. Thanks
avoidant people can tell anxious people how how long they want to be left alone so they won't get worried
Mine just says - I'll get back to you ..... tick tock tick tick goes the days, months, years of my life I could have spent healed with a little communication...
18 years I've been waiting
Now I just need a video on how to make this work. Where are my fellow AP's at?
Honestly, your best bet is to get out. It is much easier to heal AP tendencies with a secure partner. Your attraction to avoidants is likely in part due to the way in which their avoidance reinforces your feelings of unworthiness. If it's early days, I'd bail. It's what I did and I'm incredibly happy and secure in my partnership.
Thank you for the great timing of this video
Thank you for watching!
Struggling right now with that.. The big Problem is even when you talk about it the other one wont really understand... If the anxious part is bigger i am afraid there is no future
There _is_ no future.
There is no _past_ either.
There is only the _now,_ the present moment.
Plan for the future by all means, but do not be anxious for or about it. 'Que será, será.' "Whatever will be, will be."
I'm definitely an avoidant and am very sparing with affection. The only exception is my kids who don't trigger the threat response to leave.
My husband is an anxious and we are constantly having to communicate our needs/feelings. It's fairly difficult especially since we don't overlap in much other than upbringing and parenting. It can be done though with a ton of open communication.
These drawings are amazing!! 💖
i am something in between the two i think am both avoidant and anxious
im on this post and i don't like it
A lot of people are like this.
Sadly many like to assume their views are absolute and right.
A lot of people avoid any form of conflict. Created way to unhealthy and unhappy boundaries.
Many parents when their kids grow they use this avoidance style so in a way their feelings invalid.
It is sad for those parents who show any form of emotional connection.
I enjoyed and appreciate your videos
1:16 oh boy this part of the animation is soul-crushing
YES PLEASE SO MORE
First psychologist to comment!
I have a person in my life that can't communicate, can't handle adversity and is neglectful. He has narcissistic traits and doesn't know how to love. This person makes up stories that never happened and lies consistently. The relationship is based off of lies and deception. Whoever raised this person is responsible. It's sad!!!!
I'm so glad I've gotten free from this dynamic! It was so painful but now I'm never triggered by my avoidant wife ❤
Ah describes me and my ex.
Honestly I'm glad I got out of it, it was painful as hell.
I was anxious now I'm far more secure in my attachment, I was constantly trying to get if she "loves" me.
Every time she got cold, very cold, I thought to myself "This is over".
We were off and on, which I could enable her emotions only by strong emotions, I think that's why we had to break up like 3 times during the relationship.
Anyway not fun, both people need to understand their behaviour is wrong and let themselves be comfortable with who they are.
Understanding this hot and cold behaviour and trusting one another enough to let the fire continue.
Loved this! Can we get a video with tips on how to make this relationship work? Asking for a friend...
Yes, I think you should do another video like this.
I’m the first person I’d like this video
Just as I was reading articles related to the attachment styles, this video was uploaded. Please make a video with another combo please 😭
I would love to see a video that shows how a couple can overcome retro-active jealousy (which is considered by some to be a form of relationship OCD). I've been working so hard and going through intense, pervasive, and painful anxiety in trying to come to accept my partner's past.
I've only just started making progress but I would love to see this depicted and touched on in a video of yours. Please.
Can’t wait to show my avoidant boyfriend this video
Yes yes yes❤ more please
If both people have great communication and emotional intelligence this combo really can work!
Getting such kind of pair is again a miracle
Anxious + Anxious could be interesting. Just a back and forth of being unsure and not communicating... On second thought, maybe that one is a bit more obvious
i hate how accurate the thumbnail is. Made me cry a little.
Yes do all the different possibilities.
I’m kinda anxious attachment and my partner is an avoidant. Now I understand my struggles and why I’m not fully happy with him. I started questioning if it makes sense because I never felt that way :(
I'm in the same boat with you. When you are the anxious one, it really hurts like hell when your partner's avoiding you. I'm ready to talk it out with him, but he... doesn't seem so. I feel so disappointed :'(
Would you like to talk through it? Maybe it is going to help both of us
@@marlenanowak9958 Sure, it would be nice. We could exchange our experiences and share thoughts about it )
@@marlenanowak9958 Just let me know where I can contact you)
@@marlenanowak9958 I would love to
Right now My Sister and her husband is in this terms its scary, scolding there kid for crying to much and not connecting and communicating well.. I just hope 1 day I want to a family not detached to each other...
As a person that had an anxious attachment style when I was with a person with an avoidant attachment style, it was so draining 😭 I always wanted to hold their hand but they would cringe or not want to and it made me thing that they didn’t like me or something and it was so bad 😭
Hey, Psych2go.
After watching this I am now curious if it is possible to be a collection of different set attachments. Do you think it may be possible? When I was in my relationship with my ex I had constantly had every struggle that you had mentioned in the video along with some more, but whenever I recommended a therapist it was always shut down by either their family or mine because "in a healthy relationship, there shouldn't need to be someone on the outside holding it together."
Thanks in advance!
Signed,
Ethan S.
Great content!
Dude, it seems I've got the Avoidant attachment-style. But childhood doesn't necessarily have to be the reason. I was fine as a kid, and even had great relationships with people as a teen. It was coping with adult-age situations that changed me. I can't be the only person like this. I'm surprised all the attachment-style info findable online (so far) only explain with upbringing. Articles do seem to suggest styles can change (esp. to the healthier Secure style, in the framework of recovery/recuperation). Is there really insufficient known, documented evidence for people in Secure to switch to Avoidant, Anxious, or Disorganized?
And nice video! As per your question, continuing this as a series does seem promising.
Thank you!
Me, anxious, tried dating an avoidant. Got dumped twice. Now my heart really hurts.
My friend is anxious, I'm avoidant...if I go away, I need to prove that I come back. For me, they need to have a patient affection. It's a storm!
I cant stop watching you
Toxic hookup culture and expectations are also to blame why many become like this.
Sex is also ...always in the way as in sexual intimacy only but outside the bedroom nothing matters.
They love physical intimacy but outside the bed other needs to simple things that aren't dysfunctional causing these avoidant to codependent things arise. Both parties or just one will never admit or recognize this. It is sad, but true.
Modern dating is at its worse for lustful satisfaction.
"Postive vibes only" also always get in the way.
Creating stigma.
#endstigma2024
Our parents give us what we don't want
I gasped looking at the thumbnail.. it's exactly the way my best friend and I "hold hands"...and I am the avoident one..
as a girl w avoidant attachment style, it’s so uncomfortable when i’m vulnerable. it feels like everything in my body is telling me to flee. like i want to be in a relationship but i don’t know how i should react or respond
Do all the combinations! 😄
I think I'm a bit of both of them 🙃
I have anxiety. Sooo, I'm not sure about my attachment style honestly
😢
I have been neglected by relationships because the other person is toxic and they end up getting jealous of me for having my life together...
But this video was very informative, thank you
I'm avoidant, anxious and disorganized... I do have avoidant attachment issues... I am both
not me realizing i have an anxious attachment style 😭😭
Please make an avoidant + disorganised combo video.
(Welcome to my life.)
The issue is holding space. When you didn't have space held for you then you don't know how to hold space for others and that's the foundation of a relationship.
My girl just left me
Sorry guy.
Did she take the kids, or the dog?
@@E4439Qv5 Wdym kids
@@E4439Qv5 Wdym kids
@@Brick-p2x sounds like you're a free man then.
@@E4439Qv5 Bro added salt to the wound 💀
I’m not quite sure where I fall. I get upset easily because I’ve had a rough time growing up. Even to the point my fiancé is frustrated that it’s been two years and not much has changed. Certain things trigger me and I thought he knows this, but I guess not
i used to have an anxious attachment style now I think i have an avoidant attachment style
from what i understand taking this to a relationship therapst. is only for does that are in relationship that is atleast 2 years. atleast here in netherlands and belgium where i asked about they did'nt see to help because we were not enough time together. sadly because of that and also because i did'nt know about attachment style back in my relationship we broke up leaving me frustreded.
He didn't want to go to couple therapy, because it had the word couple in it
Later he accepted to go, but that we first give it a shot by ourselves, well shit ended badly
He started ghosting me and appearing to give me bread crumbs, and I feel for it
I broke up the situationship and it's been really hard, but I hope things get better, I still miss him
Disorganized is our type of one
During exams i got so stressed i said so many words to her
She is a soft girl who fell for me hard and was extremely sensitive to whatever i said
Out of stress and my already existent trust issues made me so many things and now she believes she is all the things i said to her at those times
She left but she still cares for me and isn’t sure if she’ll come back
I want her tk the absolute beauty in her and how beautiful she is but idk how to remove the things that hurt her so much and is in her head
I wanna marry her and take her as my wife no matter what so i ask you people for help on what should i do
Talk to her and tell her you are sorry about all of it... Make her understand through your actions more than words.. Tell her if she gives u a chance you promise to mend and fix her heart and fill it with endless love dear... Hope it helps...
Tell her everything.. Why and what made you say such things to her which you never meant to say and assure her.. now you have understood it all.. say you can't erase the past but u promise to fill her future with so much of bliss that she forgets to look back in the past
May you both get back together and keep loving each other unconditionally
Take care.
@@minnie-cb18 I’ve told her a thousand times that when i said those words it wasn’t even the real me and she didn’t believe me when i said it
She kept saying it won’t work on and on how we aren’t compatible (we are but that phase made her think otherwise) rn she restricted me in instagram and idk how else to contact her because we only meet properly after many months
She still cares for me ik but i just dk how to get those words out of her head
I’ve wrote paragraphs about her beauty
When i sent vms about how i was wrong and sorry she said why say these to me after i waited and waited and waited and after i made up my mind
I said I realized my mistakes and I’m sorry
Now she says she can’t take it but when asked about going back she just says idk or dk or I can’t and stuff like that
But she still holds love and she didn’t rule out going back completely so just please keep me in your prayers
I hope i can make this girl my wife and live happily with her
Secure attachment style and one of the others please
Can you make a video about disorganized attachment style too?
I prefer his way to talk. I am a no native speaker and it's important to me to have well defined words regarding the pronunciation of the ends of the words, before starting next and the are some highs and lows when he pronounce. If it's a bit monotone and fast, my brain can't get it. I love the girls talk and voice but in poetry.
Can you do anxious attachment with secure attachment relationship?🙏🏼
Could you make a video about how to help someone with abusive parents
I really need it since i have a friend that struggles with that and shes crying in his room all day, she dosent even eat sometimes to avoid his parents
i wish i knew about this while we are still in a relationship
Can you do a video on anxious and disorganized please
I am in an anxious avoidant relationship with myself. What do I do about that? Do you have any suggestions. I am not being sarcastic, just looking for help.
Pursue an understanding of others, as it distracts you from pursuing yourself selfishly.
Go deep to distract, get distracted to go deep.
@@E4439Qv5 Thanks...
I'm not looking for anyone. But I'm one