Dismissive Avoidant No Contact | What your avoidant ex is feeling now!
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- Опубликовано: 12 янв 2022
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Dismissive avoidant & no contact! After starting no contact are you wondering what your avoidant ex is thinking or feeling? Are you struggling in the silence and not what the no contact rule is doing for your dismissive-avoidant attachment style ex? Watch this video to understand what the dismissive-avoidant feels during no contact.
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Hi Katya my boyfriend broke up with me via text after argue but not at the moment when we were together and we where ok he looked normally as usual. But when he went at his home he sent me a text and said me he doesnt want to meet me anymore because we had maybe 2 ore 3 time debat om man and women relationer n general. The next day he made a dating profile when he is searching for a new girlfriend to forget me. (he is 10 Years older than me but it was so immature) And he is talking bad for me overall for this.I tried to call him to explain but he ignored me and then I texted him and explain and told that I was very hurt,I thanked him and I wished him good luck.Now I am 2 weeka NC I am suffering a lot because I was very kind to him and I don't think I deserve this. He was coming always to my place but I haven't been t his home because he had a grown son.
Problem is you don’t know they are dismissive avoidant until you’re in love with them and that’s when they shut down
Yes because they appear to be secure at the start and then boom, what is the deal?
@@tonyalee5257 You showed a flaw and fell from the pedestal.
So true!!
Exactly…😢
Absolutely true.
dismissive avoidants need to stay sinlge forever and should not ruin other peoples lives
period!
No. They need to work on themselves and learn to heal from their past trauma, so they can become secure within themselves.
Your lack of empathy and compassion makes me think that you are the one who should remain single forever.
@@twowheelie9552agree
He's projecting
@@twowheelie9552 You are spot on. Yeah I been hurt by my DA but to banish her from finding someone who fits her needs just isnt what us humans should even contemplate. We all need healing.
I feel your pain. They should come with a warning label. And if any DA's read this and get triggered you should have more compassion and try standing in the shoes of someone who tries to love you. We don't have any idea what your inner life is like (because you don't share it) and we are love starved for your attention.
Avoidants are to be avoided for romantic relationships. I promised this to myself and I am finally in a happy secured relationship for over a year. Thank God!
💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾 Well done! Enjoy! I'm done with avoidants. I pray for the same. 🙏🏾
@Christina Megan Did you ever consider that the DA is not the love of her life, and that the person she has now been with a year is the love of her life?
@@rickcaldwell2862 Life is what you make it by the decisions you make for good or bad.
I agree. I wish I could read early who is who
@Christina Megan the dismissive avoidant was not the love of my life, he was a choice I made in a bad moment of my life. I am too happy to go back tp him. He called me a few times. I did not answer the phone.
" no contact " is for YOU !
It is about focusing on yourself. Get busy, make lists, go learn something you've always wanted, exercise, take a class !
And MOVE ON
Yep. So much time can be wasted hyper-fixating on someone not giving you the same amount of consideration. Once I accepted it for it was, I just got on a roll on my studies and having great memories with friends that actually enjoyed my company. Greater opportunities are available to all of us.
...and never return.
Closure from the damage and drama is 😌
Exactly. I was the one who was more invested and he’s definitely dismissive and/or avoiding and I was the anxious one. So I did it for myself, he gave me a lot of attention at first, he said all the right things but once he realized I was all in he pulled away and said that he didn’t think a relationship between us wouldn’t work, I tried to stay as friends but I was really hurting myself in the process. I know myself and my patterns and if I had stayed hoping he would be the same as he was when we first started talking I would’ve been very miserable. Don’t get me wrong I still miss the attention, but in reality I never really got to know him I just liked the idea of him, the potential he had with me. I know I’m a great catch but he didn’t see it or he’s simply not interested. I know he’s physically attracted to me but I had already developed feelings and in the long run that’s not sustainable. I have had to stop myself from reaching out many times already, I only hope I can be strong enough to not reach out.
Doing all of the above. After 3 months it is starting to feel better.
After my last breakup, I have a strict zero tolerance policy on dating any type of avoidant attached person.
I don't care how amazing they are or if they are my "soulmate" or whatever.
NOTHING is worth going through that again.
I'll just date a normal, healthy person next time.
Sad 😞 but so f true..
My new dating mantra “I am no longer available for emotionally unavailable men”!
@@hippydippytrippy9804 Excellent!
As an Avoidance style myself this is what normally happens when a girl breaks up with me, no contact. I send her three or four facebook messages the week, no response? Well, I start flirting with that other hottie I got my eye on and try get her in bed. LOL
The only reason I ever date a girl is for the sex. The only reason I don't dump her right after the sex, is because I know girls felt cheap and hurt. So, I give her an actual try after the first time having sex, for three or four weeks and still feel she is not the right girl for me, I am breaking up with her.
How do I know they’re dismissive avoidant?
I don't care if he's missing me. Our on and off again relationship always made me feel bad. Now that he's gone, I don't feel bad.
Period! Yes❤️
This!!!!
At some point we have to stop enabling or rewarding the avoidants behavior right? Even if we work out all our own anxious attachments they’re still an avoidant and will do what is in their nature to do. As it’s been said, if they wanna walk away… let them walk. Let’s just quit playing their childish game. There’s no way to win and find peace. Let them go.
Seems like a solid plan to me. 😎
I am not sure that reward or punishment is a strategy from a potential partner.
A DA can be severely damaged and at one point a potential partner has to decide whether he or she can compensate for these failings or move away.
We go into a relationship for partnership and not for re-education.
@@anewlifestirring I get what you are saying. However a relationship shouldn’t be one sided either. A relationship should be ping pong 🏓
I understand that people with DA or other avoidant attachment style are going through something traumatic. But I just don’t see the excuse. We all have something dark from the past.
If I may share my experience with my DA ex.
She loved me like crazy and I loved her just as much. I was there for her through thick and thin.
I did everything to make sure she was happy. And I respected and gave her space when she needed it.
I literally did everything for her. And she told me I was the best thing she had ever experienced.
Yet she triggered from something I didn’t know. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She didn’t which I respected. However went through hot and cold and eventually ghosted me and disappeared.
She left me without explanation. For months I tried to figure her out. I rebuild myself. Then she came back and wanted to try again.
It didn’t last long, then she did exact same thing.
Then I was in an accident and nearly lost my life. She knew, but she never gave a rats ass about me when I was hospitalized.
After long time of getting back on my feet, getting strong again, then she came again.
However this time I was fed up with her. So I asked why she did this to me.
She couldn’t say. But she loved me.
I told her that she had a weird way of showing it then. I did everything for her through her hard times, yet she didn’t have the decency to ask how I was during my accident. Hell not even send a card or at least a text wishing me well.
Then she ghosted me again. Now I have moved on because I can’t play this immature game no longer.
She still contacts me but I’m done.
I respect people when they need space etc. but that doesn’t mean I should reward them for taking me for granted or treating me like garbage whenever they feel like it. My time is precious too.
I Am also worth something.
So I don’t see the excuse DA people have. If you love someone then you don’t treat them like trash.
And perhaps they should seek help or work on themselves.
I work on myself always to respect my partners needs. Perhaps they should grow up and do the same.
Anyway sorry for my long text. I just wanted to share my experience.
@@kubel83 i agree
We should know what we expect from a relationship and what we are willing to contribute and as soon as a personality trait that we cannot cope with appears, we need to decide on the correct distance to be adopted.
Beyond this, we cannot tell people how they need to run their lives or compensate for their handicaps.
You can take a horse to the river, but you cannot oblige it to drink
@@kubel83 sorry to read what you have put up with and my experience is similar so I can relate to yours
My taking is that once you have figured out this disorder you have to learn to adapt and hold reasonable distances and expectations
If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you - it’s yours, if not - it never was...
Let’s all stop playing their childish game. Let them go.
Sometimes they come back and they're still not yours.
@@thomasrussell4674 That’s not coming back I’m talking about. That’s pretending to come back to pretended relationship - which becomes obvious very quickly.
RIP DMX!!
Sometimes they will come back and go over and over each time you lose more heart..what a painful experience the worst part was my daughter started hurting because I was so hurt. I started a business and she still loves me..when I feel badly and lonely I try to remember I got back what really matters my kids trust and joy..his love started to feel so scary anyways I felt like I had to be 3 beers deep to handle his presence. All praises to the most high! He helped me stay alive and helped me start a business and move to a nicer place all that on a broken heart on fire with pain..one day I asked God is this you? Are you really making a way for me? I look up and the cement truck infront of me says aurora concrete paving the way for you...if you learn about God he will reach out to you..even if this all goes sideways I got him and sometimes you might wait a long time on him. I recommend starting a prayer journal a place for you and your creator..Jesus blood its a wrap anyhow:)!! Lion roar in my heart
The problem is that even if they do "love you" it just will never be enough... it feels lonely and one sided and they i am sure want your attention and the love you provide however they will not or cannot meet you half way and thats not a partner.
Want anyone's attention how they move on ,lose one guy go to another in truth most girls like this are from the street.
@@brendanhiggins3442 this attachment style can develop anywhere
Yes an avoidant is just naturally meant to live an Independent Single life
No relationship should be this hard...😢
No contact is for you not that ignorant person that betrayed you it's for yourself
reading the comments made me realize i dont want to
be in this show anymore
Regarding no contact, there is a saying in the recovery community: 'let them feel every bit of pain that their bad decisions have caused and let them hit bottom and don't rush over with a pillow to cushion their fall. Once they hit bottom, maybe then they'll be ready to change'.
I Agree. It should be treated like any breakup that has been initiated by the other person. Any other reason is just an excuse for us to reach out
Maybe i am a selfish asshole..... there is no way a person like this deserves my energy. I was smart enough to go no contact before i found this shit out.
I finally gave up after 7yrs and went nc, hurts like hell but worth the healing
@Joel why the phone number?
No contact means your free to date someone else, go do it
This! If they wanna walk away, let them walk. Let’s not play their childish game.
Problem is some of us don't realize what we are until we actually fall in love with someone who truly loves us. After 7 years I never knew this about myself and I, the DA, have been shattered since she left 3 weeks ago. Please don't judge us. Trust me, we feel every single mistake we make. We don't intend to be what we are. We don't want to be this way. Now that I know what I am, I will never hurt another soul.
Most avoidants that I’ve been with don’t seek therapy or work on themselves. They need to! That’s why they hurt people!
@@user-cm5jb4co1i yet you keep going for avoidants. Seems more like your hurting yourself and blaming it on your life choices
Baby please understand that you are HUMAN healing has A LOT to do with forgiving yourself and others but most importantly you're self you were young you didn't ask to be a avoidant this doesn't have to be the end of your story awareness is key and it's a start the biggest obstacle I have seen with avoidants in general is they carry a I AM DEFECTIVE WOUND and they have a defeated mindset this stops you from growing to stay away from people for the rest of your life is not the answer please try therapy it won't be easy because yes you will have to be vulnerable honest truthful and accountable but blaming yourself for a life time will help NOBODY you are doing more harm then good by feeling defeated nobody is immune to change including you if you want to you can and change does not mean perfect but you can learn the tools you NEED to show up DIFFERENTLY in your relationships with people starting with yourself just the fact that you have awareness is huge my ex is an avoidant he hurt me to my soul and I know deep down he regrets hurting me to we both were not perfect and either one of us knew about attachment styles I'm in therapy now because of all the pain I had inside me my ex still to this day hasn't done much to work on his self and won't do therapy and its one of an avoidants biggest mistakes not seeking the professional help that they need until they hit rock bottom dont do that to yourself and learn the hard way please do the work on yourself your doing your self and others a huge favor by doing something about it change is possible for avoidants too but you truly have to want it good luck
@@user-cm5jb4co1i Mine claims she was in therapy, but oddly enough the therapist sided with her and didn't think she had any issues whatsoever that I was the person at fault. I begged her to let me sit in with a session to give my side of the story, but of course my side was never heard. At one point, when she pushed me so far to the edge that I left upon her repeated demands to find another girl...I did...Of course she said I "cheated" on her and became a butt end of jokes of hers on facebook which of course all her friends laughed about...
Bottom line, without REAL therapy a DA is one hellacious roller coaster ride, way more downs than ups.
Marriage and kids is truly a no go for these types. They basically break hearts everywhere they go. It’s pointless to enter any superficial relationship with them. They will always be the wounded martyrs of society looking to escape. But never finding themselves. Ongoing issues are not worth our sanity and health. Let them go.
This is Gold. Helps to know that they may not be conscious of their inabilities due to previous trauma & that we are not serving ourselves by ruminating ❤
Thanks for letting me know what resonated!
avoid the avoidants, keep your life simple and happy, otherwise its just too much effort
Toxic !!! Lethal!! Poisonous! Run for your life!!
My favorite thing you mentioned is that each relationship is unique .
Thanks for sharing! Glad that resonated for you. 😊
Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, unfortunately, no.
This is sadly hopeless.
These people are NOT worth the pain.
What is the point of re-connecting wiith an avoidant after these patterns of seperation? One would have to be crazy, right?
We gave our all to these people
@@westcoastorbust2462 I gave 5,000% to this woman only to be sh!t on over and over.
If the other party tells you they are happier not hearing from you...what else is there to do..but leave it behind
Hi. We had a consultation with you about 2 months ago. Thought I'd sorted it out with my DA and guess what? She ghosted me over a text she didn't find funny. I think it's easier coming off heroin than NC from a DA. The pain is unreal. Thanks for the upload ❤️
That’s the realest statement right there. I couldn’t agree more. Brutal and the slightest thing they take as offense it’s off to silence they send you again.
totally agree with u
@@TexasRain45 Exactly this. No contact now for 3 months and anxiety gone
Same here. Been ghosted by a DA for 3 months now. Glad im getting better and stronger. Though I still love him. Im just not sure if I still want him to be a part of my life.
@@TexasRain45 OMG you are so right. I never experienced anything like this than what I did with her. I say a WORD wrong in a sentence she wouldn't talk to me for a day(s) and I would have to beg for forgiveness over what most normal people would have solved in five minutes tops.
One of the best views on Non contact . Like you say the ONLY thing it will do for sure is help us to grow and find our space . Rest it depends on the intensity and reciprocity of the relationship. If the other person was just not into you it will have zero effect. So do it to benefit us as an individual and work on ourselves for a better future.
Thanks for your feedback! Im glad you found it helpful.
Case 1 for "no contact: In French, it's "reculer pour mieux avancer." (Retreat to better advance).
Nice wisdom
Space and time to focus on yourself 💯
💯
Your videos are very helpful and way more in-depth than most people in this space.
Thank you for the feedback. Glad you’re finding my channel helpful. 🙏
@@KatyaMorozova You're very welcome.
I believe he feels nothing. He has no feelings lol. He dumped me, then we met again once, and I said I'd be busy for a few weeks and maybe text him when I'm free. I still haven't. I won't. Meanwhile, I met someone extraordinary and I realized now how the DA negatively impacted my loving, kind nature-- what a soul crusher! I'm in recovery from that experience and I'm surprised I still long for him. But the new man I'm seeing is very healing. I'm glad I chose to not contact. Disengage.
I started no contact when he said the did not want commitment. Typical DA flight response to strong love feelings. It's been 5 months and I am doing fine. It's over for me.
3 years of relationship. I questioned him and he said he don't want a relationship because I questioned him
its funny that you mentioned the "no blanket solution" while you describe my relationship and partner to the tie hahah
youre amazing!
Well thanks!
Have you ever made videos on why some of us pick avoidants? In my case, I’m very independent & reserved, so I like that a DA gives me space. However, I have a secure attachment style, so eventually I open up in the relationship but the DA does not/ cannot. If we think of getting to know someone as peeling off layers, anxious folks show what’s inside quickly, secure show eventually, & avoidants seem to have very little inside that they can access or share.
My DA partner suffered severe childhood neglect in a violent alcoholic home in poverty & chaos. They were sent away abroad to a relative’s house for months at a time to lessen the burden & prevent the kids from being taken by the state. The family is better off now, but the damage is done. Even when you have a DA who wants to do better, it’d hard because they often have no roadmap. The concept of partners meeting each other’s needs is foreign & uncomfortable to them. This one seems to have cPTSD because he’ll get triggered by any conflict if he thinks I’m upset & nearly has a panic attack. I rarely get upset but he’s got no sense of proportion. I assume this is from witnessing DV as a child. We really don’t have any conflict, except he has these problems & will get paranoid that something bad will happen. From my perspective, he seems insane, & he has a therapist but I’m at my wits end. I pity him but I’m from a loving, educated 2-parent home & I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m settling for less than the love my parents have.
Avoidant is Charming and put you in pedestal, if you so inlove and attached to them already that feels like they are the world for you thats the time they'll break your heart abruptly, so sudden that feels like someone stab you in the back.. So Be careful.. I had my lesson to this DA attachment person. It almost kill myself to throwing up our 5 yr relationship...i was secure before i was dating a DA after he dumped me abruply i felt like all the attachment i experienced now..
They usually move on to someone else and never reach out to admit there wrong. There too prideful and avoidant. It’s been a year and still avoiding but feel uncomfortable in my presence after a year and couldn’t hide it.
I agree. They are way too prideful to reach out after no contact and say “I’m sorry I did this….”
no contact is a must for every situation🙌🏼
Edit:Got back with my ex after 1 1/2 months of no contact ...
did they ever have a rebound relationship? or meet someone else? that you know of?
And how did you deal with it? How did you spend those 45 days?
Good for you. I'm almost in my four months break up already. Broke NC twice since March and went around the block once. I did not know he was a DA. Glad I came across these kids of videos over the past four months. It kept me from possibly dying due to depression. I'm in a different place right now compared before. My ex birthday was even done already and I did not even greet him: hope that sends him a message that I won't be waiting for him any longer. I already set a deadline. Happy for you...
Good for you. I'm almost in my four months break up already. Broke NC twice since March and went around the block once. I did not know he was a DA. Glad I came across these kids of videos over the past four months. It kept me from possibly dying due to depression. I'm in a different place right now compared before. My ex birthday was even done already and I did not even greet him: hope that sends him a message that I won't be waiting for him any longer. I already set a deadline. Happy for you...
2:31 exactly. Friends can give you advice only according what they know from one person's view.
In my opinion no contact has some meaning if it happens at the beginning of dating. If it happens when things are progressing and the suddenly out of nowhere someone disappear that's not only very immature but passive agressive behaviour too. And it is very damaging.
I am happy that besides the general wisdom you also honor the uniqelove men and women sometimes share. At the end of the day change is personal decision and it is always sad and disappointing that people we love do not chose to change into the way we wish they would
Why thank you for the thoughtful compliment.
I love her, but I’ve been deactivated. She’s done this repeatedly. It amazes me how much it hurts - I’d thought I’d be used to it now.
I feel this man. Sorry.
I’m being basically forced to do no contact. I was her moral compass and kept her from making bad decisions. But I became like parent and I’m now resented. I fear she will think im just another person that abandoned her when she becomes difficult. No contact is scary because she is capable of things I could not imagine.
She is not your responsibility and it's not your job to fix her.
Your content is very insightful and your delivery is perfect. Thank you. 🙏
I appreciate that!
Silence is gold is her lost not mine after 25 years of marriage
I really enjoy your videos. I’ve learned a lot about myself
Thank you!
My ex & I were happy for 30 years...and then we met. Rodney Dangerfield.
You said to contact them in 4-6 months to reconcile but why should the dumpee reach out? Shouldn't the avoidant dumper reach out if they wanted to?
Trust me. It's a 50/50 even if they are reaching out. My ex FA reached out to me and i texted back to strong with "Hey it was good to see you in person after this long time". She lashed out
@@JupiterWaltz Wow. How long did it take for your ex to reach out? Did they initiate to meet up?
All of this NC on an avoidant is confusing to me. So tiring, don't know what they want.
@@jtothec1234 Like 3 months but we bumped into each other one day. I reached out only one time after 3 weeks because i knew from her best friend that she was feeling very bad about how the thing ended. Furthermore from the fact she lashed out, i think i was too strong on the answer. I think she just wanted to test the waters. From her following text she told me litterally to put all of this behind and to find someone that can reciprocate my attentions. Now i'm going back NC indefinitely. Not watching her IG story like i did for 3 months. Btw in those 3 months i had a couple of dates with other two girls but they went bad. Remember IF they put the work on themselves during this period of NC and "changed" you can try to rekindle. If you see they are still the same, like mine is. It's not worth.
@@JupiterWaltzWow!
I still think no contact should be treated like any other breakup. Unless you cheated or sabotaged the relationship, you shouldn't be reaching back out to the person.
Imo, its better if you hear from them because, you know they're somewhat ready to speak to you. I still agree that setting boundaries and eventually having the conversation about what needs to change but, you have to allow them to show you they want to be in touch with you
Being with an avoidant forced me to focus on myself and get to self love. The other thing I learned is that it helps a lot if I create a safe space for him to communicate. Most of the time when we have a break in communication is when I got upset and didn't exactly communicate from a loving space. 😅 Which then triggers 'Im not good enough' in him, in which case, space helps him to get back into self love as well.
How's your relationship going?
How are you doing now nanu?
Communication is much better. No more 'breakdowns in communication', no more upsets. He still doesn't share much from his side but he listens to me, provides emotional support, responds in a calm supportive way. Recently, I shared with him a video about the 4 attachment styles and he actually watched it till the end, recognizing himself as the avoidant/dismissive.
I met a wonderful woman 18 months ago, with dismissive avoidance, the strangest damn relationship ive ever encountered! However I love her dearly, and im patient getting to know her. This video explains a lot, thank you.
Im 10 months into my first encounter with one. The behaviour is peculiar, instead of progression theres regression. I recently tried to get her to open up and was met with contempt and her finding faults in myself.. Apparently im too sensitive 😂 i read online that might be the response
get to know yourself brother move on and heal yourself or else its gonna eat you up🙌🏼
Don’t do it…it will cause you more pain than you can imagine.
Learn ur lesson yet ? did she dump you cause you sneezed one day?
After 3 months of dating but no sign of romantic interest from her I felt breadcrumbed for my attention and left.
I literally experienced no physical contact for those 3 months.
Any update? I got the same situation now.
Same after 3 months being together no romance finally she was like im not feeling anything strong we cant be together and she was like you are too good for me
Went thru that for a month, he came back n did the same for a week. NC now I'm done fr
It pretty much sounds like a DA isn't worth the effort. Once you've recognized that's their relationship style, and that they're incapable of caring about your needs or happiness in the relationship, GET OUT!
I think that's unfair because if there is self awareness; anything is possible
@@jazmineramay4292 that's kind of the point....DA's are incapable (or refuse to acknowledge the benefits) of self-reflection and self-awareness. Consequently, there will likely never be any significant improvements, and the DA's partner stays miserable, hoping for some miraculous change in them that will in all likelihood never occur.
@@jazmineramay4292 OH SHUT UP!
Dealing with a da was one of thee worst experiences I've encountered, I'm anxious and have my issues thar I'm working on, but I will never go back, I'm healing to attract a secure attatchment style
@jazmineramay4292 Negative. The risk point is too high and if it was going to happen they would have worked through it earlier in thier dating life.
People and creators need to stop referring to DAs as scared cats wanting to hide under the bed. They are emotionally vapid, destructive AF individuals that can damage almost on the level of narcs.
You wouldn't go pet a snarling snapping 150lb dog and say " oh, but it is self aware and can see I won't hurt it." No, is sad that dog was abused but it's a dog that will bite the crap out of you and likely tear a few tendons in the process. Leave it alone.
DAs should be regarded at the emotional danger level of the rabid dogs they are and left alone to let the disease take them without infecting anyone else.
I did not know what type of person I was dealing with til I came across this video . It’s torture !!! My last straw was when I cried on FaceTime (that was the first time he saw me cry) and he had a blank face and wasn’t saying anything . I hung up and haven’t talked to him in two days . I know myself . If it goes too long I am done for good . Oh did I mention he never called back to check on me after I was crying what an ass !
They don't know how to handle emotions I believe a lot of them are autistic
That’s a narcissist. Maybe a covert narcissist or another type. They can easily be confused with a DA. But the main indicator is a lack of empathy especially while crying. Recommend watching Raw Motivation’s (Ben Taylor) video on crying in front of a narcissist- it’s a text book indicator.
Umm NO avoidants do that too lol they don't know how to deal with emotions it's weird and uncomfortable for them so that is something they are capable of that behavior isn't exclusive to just narcissist false...
Yer that'll trigger a shutdown, just as weird for him, he'll Sense that he's expected to do something but lacks the tools. so high emotion display=shutdown followed by feelings of inadequacy cause he didn't have the tools to give you what you need=withdrawal to reconcile and self-soothe the failure feelings followed by further shame for not being there -will possibly begin to negative partner internally to counter negative self thoughts 'partner is too needy, too emotional, too reliant on others etc.then stops withdrawing because emotionally he feels under control (incident is boxed in a mental corner with a blanket thrown over for good measure), may avoid the incident mentally and verbally and continue on as if never happened. Weirdest is when we shutdown mid argument, emotions high then nothing. It's like a switch, almost dissociative we know we should be feeling something but don't. It's not that DAs don't feel, it's that their emotional system gets overloaded very quickly and we don't have tools to confront high or even mid emotional situations so we avoid situations where that might happen and avoid dealing with it/ confronting situation when it does.
Great info.
Great channel!
Thank you!
When something is built in the personality, adjustments can be made - provided that the person really wants to change some behaviors - but fundamentally the personality won't change. Expectations must be realistic, and one must not fall in love with or fantasize about someone's "potential". The question really is: can I love and by loved by the actual person that I see and deal with in the real world, in the reality ? It's one thing to get somebody back, but what will be life like thereafter ? Gotta be honest with ourselves. If the heart says GO but the head says NO, then it's probably wiser to listen to what the head/reason (which is probably the more adult part of ourself) says. The sickness induced by toxic persons blurs our judgment very, very deeply. And one trick of addiction - any kind of addiction - is to make you believe that you just CAN'T live without the object of your addiction.
This.
I think that you can change, i was an avoidant, got in a great relationship with excellent communication and that completaly changed my type of attachment to a secure and more open one, honesty and trust are the way to get better.
@@daa6677 I'm truly totally happy for you !
Love this comment!!
I think DA’s behavior is a result of living over-entitled, privileged lifestyles. There’s a “I can get something better” attitude perhaps…
Yeah DAs tend to have elitist families. They value their family’s opinion over anything else, even if the relationship has some logistical issues that can be worked out like finances, they will judge you, and leave you. This is my story. My bf got tired of me trying to figure out logistical issues in my life so he bounced, which is fair but it’s also not fair when I NEVER judged him for anything I thought relationships were supposed to be about working together
Love watching your videos. You remind me of my favorite actress, Claire Danes.
That’s very sweet of you. Glad you dig the videos!
Hello Katya, I am new to your channel. I would like to know what happens when a secure attachment style person breaks up with a DA and moves on. What does the DA do then? My DA contacted me after a year and I insulted him and he blocked me and so did I. He is the one who had started demeaning and insulting me only after six months into the relationship and I gave him a piece of my mind and moved on. Buter after a year he tried to contact me. Honestly I have moved on but would like to know what they go through if they are given a taste of their own medicine.
they feel hurt but keep reassuring themsleves that nothing is wrong with them and distract themselves with other partner until the pain is gone and restart a new relationship with another partner as a reobnd and if it fail,they start thinking about the one partner who was not so bad (you) and come back hoping that you will let them in since for them,a year is enought for you to forgive and forget about what they did to you.(they also become depressed ) ,you don't need them,move on!
I’m certainly looking forward to your next video. Thank you once again.
Thank you! Coming soon..
Your beautiful inside and out.. thank you for what you do
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY Thank you!
This is really helpful 👍
Thanks for letting me know!
She gave me a word salad and as a clinician I had seen the one way relationship. SoI left. Likely rejection sensativity at some point.
As a DA. U were pretty spot on. At first we really don’t notice but when we do we still don’t care. Go find a new boo we’ll come back when we think u moved on. It ain’t no point if u need to b needed bc we don’t need nobody
Hey thanks for letting me know! Glad it felt accurate. ✨
Lol...way to embrace that psychosis!
Why not stay single though? Walking through life terrorizing others and giving them new traumas to heal from doesn't sound like a very kind thing to do.
@@nbee6217 rather than objectively assessing themselves and getting professional help to break the horrible sociopathic cycle, they actually view it as empowering and with a badge of honor and will continue to leave a wake of broken hearts in their paths. Once you recognize a DA, just walk away...it's much less traumatic and dramatic.
So you want to die alone. Got it.
My ex and I were together 4 years. Awesome connection for the first 2 but the last 2 became shaky. At that point I was cheated on. I was emotionally immature and things just got really ugly for the breakup. I did no contact and a year and a half later she communicated to me by creating a profile on my Hulu account. I reached out. We texted and met up and now I only hear from her maybe once a week in the evening. I've tried a couple more attempts at trying to hang out and all I get are excuses with no counter offer. I picked up her hint that's she's not interested anymore. I'm moving on and I'm just going to leave her alone again. No idea why she even contacted me to begin with besides wanting attention or to check up on me. Games games and more games
She should’ve never been given a second chance Cheaters and liars should’nt be rewarded
she cheated...it her character...date somoene who bring the same energy as you F her!
Bro throw her in the bin and keep her there
They will be always reaching out as they never want to lose your entirely. They are doing it for the selfish reasons. My avoidant would have been happy to be friends the next day we broke up.
I blocked him then moved on with my life
How fast do you see signs that your dealing with an avoidant? Can you see signs early?
3 days no contact, left the door open for her. Asked if she wanted to hang out she said she was busy with college work so i said "okay no worries! lmk when you're free"! Ball is in her court now if she wants to make stuff happen
Hire a pro. Go to Thai land enjoy yourself.
@@afrank198 buddy, I haven’t spoke to her since I posted this comment. Don’t plan on either. Even if she texts me. I’m over it.
i went no contact with this girl I'm talkin to cuz I thought she was playing games. I left her last msg on read and then 2 weeks later unfollowed her on ig. Still havent spoken in 3 weeks but I feel like I might've pulled back too much and i now i cant be the one to initiate contact so it might be over smh
We feel free , completely free, no drama, leaching, just pure self accomplishment and Peace. No cconntact is the wheelhouse of avoidance your playing to our strength.
The phrase is: "if the shoe fits, wear it".
I had to walk away from this situation and I'm still struggling with the withdrawal even though it happened on Sunday/Monday. We were at the 3 month point and I was about to ask if this was going anywhere because he needed a lot space in general (throws himself into work, very little free time) but when I tried to pull away just a month ago, he came back and was putting in more effort. He called me a new term of endearment 2 days before I had asked him to see him the following week which was more frequent than usual. He suddenly says that he knows I want something regular/serious but he realized he doesn't and wants to be unattached but he still wants to see me. Who says that they want to remain unattached?! I had 2 psychology and trauma informed friends tell me that he was avoidant throughout the 3 months even before this happened earlier in the week. I told him that I wish I had known this before and that I need time and space. He said he understood and said good morning the next day as though I was going to keep speaking to him. I didn't respond and I miss him a lot. I'm still personalizing it, I've been crying and depressed. I wondered if he just talked to me most days over 3 1/4 months, introduced me to some of his friends, reached out when I stopped responding to him a month ago, because he wanted sex but I was never a booty call. We did sleep together a few times but it was a while into dating and it was never booty call meet ups. It would seem like he cared but then he would seem so rigid/distant/stoic/aloof the longer I knew him. I want him to come back and change his mind but I doubt he will. I'm not sure what to do. The anxiety I felt during sucked but the highs were so good. I just have a hard time accepting that this is his programming and it's not because he doesn't/didn't like me. I wonder if he realizes that he hurt me. I have to use my brain and walk away. He's always go go go so he's probably not even thinking about me.
What happened? I know the pain
Don't ever speak to him again. I just had a very similar relationship, also 3 months. It ended last week and I started no contact today. It is ridiculous to behave that way. My person just tore me up and it has been a nightmare. No one should have to live like that with so much worry. I have no sympathy for DAs. My sister is also one and she is a nightmare.
He probably cares about you and thinks you're a good candidate for a relationship, but doesn't want to tell you that he's not looking for commitment right now. He wants to have sex and date people but doesn't have the balls to tell you that up front, knowing it would scare you away. He likes you so he wants to get to know you, he doesn't want it to just end but he also won't commit to anything permanent. This may just be a male thing or a product of his place in life at this time
How are you now ? Have you healed ?
@@peachpotter hi there! I ended up finding a wonderful guy earlier this year. He's VERY secure. He is so kind and patient with me when my insecure attachment style is triggered. He's present, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, super sweet... The list goes on. I don't care for the avoidant anymore but I definitely notice my own sabotaging/distancing behaviours to try to keep myself safe because of last conditioning from my past relationships. So I guess my answer is... I'm over the avoidant. But I'm healing my own attachment style everyday. If you're dealing with the pain from an avoidant... I promise you that cutting him off and walking away was the best decision I could have ever made and I'm very happy with a healthy partner. It may hurt now for you.... But there is so much better out there. Do not settle for someone who is at war with themselves.
I have been doing the no contact thing as much as possible. Bc we live together.. we sleep in separate rooms, etc. But when I cook I'll extend my food to him. He allows me to use his car whenever I need it. We avoid eachother for the most part, and will have minimal conversations if something is needed within the house etc. Does this break the no contact rule?
I think it’s very difficult to do no contact when you’re living under the same roof. Trying to do no contact I imagine would be really stressful in a situation such as yours. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in a complex situation.
This is an older reply, maybe you’ll see it! I’m in a similar position. My DA broke up with me 3 days ago. I was in disbelief. Since then, we have avoided each other but it is very hard. He’s had small talk with me this morning but, ugh…it’s rough.
Are you seriously attempting No Contact when you live with someone??? LOLOL...that just sounds like avoidance and totally different than the entire premise behind No Contact. You shouldn't be seeing or communicating with them AT ALL.
I've seen these stages in dozens of videos on a few RUclips pages and based on what I can gather, it seems rather specific. I'm a DA and I agree with the notion that when a relationship ends, one should focus on themselves regardless of attachment style. I've also never wanted an ex back. I take the lessons from those relationships and move on. 🤷🏿♂️
All that said, I DO go out and meet new people, focus more on my business and hobbies, as well as feel RELIEVED after a relationship end with someone who wasn't right for me and vice-versa. Life is too short. Find the partner you WANT.
Or, you could be upfront with the person and not lead them on and get them invested only to discard them later like they meant nothing. Just a thought. Stop trying to force relationships because you're selfish and can't deal with your own bullshit.
@@ragingphoinix9144 or you can shut up, stop whining, and get a life and maybe someone will be able to stomach you long enough to have a quality relationship. You should stop trolling RUclips making ASSumptions about individuals you know absolutely NOTHING about and deal with your own bull shit to change that sorry excuse of an existence you call a life. Just a thought. 🤷🏿♂️
Thank God I haven’t met you.
@@TheLadyIzabela feelings mutual
@@sifublack192you do know that actually being dismissive to the people that love you is abuse. Maybe you are not fully avoidant, but if you are, you should really get therapy.
I’m really curious Katya , you really seem to know a lot about the dismissive avoidant fearful avoidant etc. can I ask you what your attachment style is or was so I get a better understanding of you ? I couldn’t figure out my partner and why I felt so lonely in this relationship , that’s what I googled and that’s what I’ve learned about attachment styles she’s definitely a dismissive avoidant and me more fearful anxious preoccupied . I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship we’ve been broke up for going on five months she started a rebound December 23 which is the same day I sent her a Christmas card , i’m so mad that I did that but I’m glad it was a Christmas card and not a text message or an email , I know she will never reach out to me , her ego is too inflated to do that I will have to reach out to her to get the ball rolling but have no idea if it’s going to roll anywhere the last text message I sent her which was around Thanksgiving she never replied , I really do think 4 to 6 months is appropriate for a dismissive avoidant I know people on here I think that’s crazy but it’s really not not with a dismissive avoidant . I’ve learned a lot from these videos and I really find you very interesting keep up the good work Katya 😌
Month 4 and I pray I continue to move on from him (my DA ex). I agree that 4 to 6 months is normal for them
@@oairhiav 4-6 months as in starting to miss you/process the break up?
@@DR-fd6vu I think “feel their feelings” and decide what they want to do. Typing this angers me since it aligns with how I felt in my relationship with my DA. Their feelings and needs are priority and mine are not. Seeing that others have had the same experience is validating so I know it’s not about me. I deserve the type of love and care I give.
she’s not interested . move on .. save yourself
What if someone was avoidant, but also very anxious and has a very negative view on themselves (they hate responsibility in fear of not being good enough) ends the relationship but kept you around? Only to block you and refuse to talk to you..
Andrea, how did this end for you? I have the exact same thing happening to me now
This is fearful attachment not dismissive avoidant
My ex blocked me on everything because I did not want to be a friend no I cannot get in touch with her I just want an explanation why she just went and that was it I'm not heard from her since so really I am in no contact and she's in no contact is there anything I can do to help myself
Update?
Katya thank you for the video. I broke it off with my boyfriend who seems to be avoidant. He said "maybe I won't call you so you can think (meaning me). I am taking that as a no contact.
If possible, give me a short answer about the no connection(i cant really book a conversation ), I left her over time and for about 20 days after she says wanna leave , and finally I told her that I was leaving her and she just kept quiet and gave me short answers. Could this be a good sign? Our relationship was short but I showed a lot of interest and effort in ours , our separation was without conflict. please reply :))
She felt betrayed and if you was good she'll come back
I was in an 8 month LDR with a woman. Her last texts were about her health examination (she had a hysterectomy 2 years ago) and i told her that i wanted to take care of her. She left me on read and blocked me. I realized 10 days later and went on IG telling her goodbye and unfollowed her. She read my message, i tried to re-follow her but she denied my request. Over the following days i sent her a few more messages and she never read them. I went straight into NC and have been in NC for 41 days now. She hasn't reached out. I strongly believe she is an avoidant and because of her health conditions she may be pushing me away. What do i do? Literally days before blocking me we were talking about renting an apartment together. Weeks before she said she loved me and was thinking about the future with me.
Wow...that's insane...terrible behaviour on her part really
I’m sorry this happened in your relationship. It’s hard to say not knowing in the ins and outs of your dynamic. But theres not much you can do if she’s choosing not to communicate with you.
@@KatyaMorozova so i shouldn't even bother to try and send her another follow request or a DM?
Updates,?
@@silviam.9224 none
Hi, Katie, do you have your videos in Russian?
Ive now come to question why *I* would allow such sub par treatment and focusing on assuring it will not happen again. Something must be wrong that we pursue this
@@silverscreamqueen I think I have a combination of healthy and anxious. I was also raised in a very compassionate ethical animal rights household where we were taught to have a lot of compassion for underdogs or those who were hurting and I suspect that's transferred onto humans who take more than they give. Or maybe being the one focused on feels vulnerable to me. Regardless, I'm absolutely communicating upfront my needs and expectations to potential lovers now and also trying to find unselfish people who actually can sometimes focus on me.
I had that for 30 days and then she texted happy new yr to me and one other person in a group. And posted HNY post, she posted a couple of pics of us, me and some other related things, and others. So I felt she was reaching out. And i called, it went well at first, but my turn next was I called. (I think she missed me a little). But now that I reached out and we talked on the phone, and that wrecked it.
Thank you.
You’re welcome!
We were together for 2 years. We both have childhood trauma. Our relationship was good. All the components of a happy marriage until he stopped working, job after job and gambling and the lying. My problem is abandonment trauma so I do extreme things like driving to his friends to ask him why he lie to me! Then he tells me he’s done. We know we both needed personal and couples therapy. Who knows if he will call me. Right now I’m just fixing me.
The avoidant I dated broke my heart deeply and now I am angry. Very angry. He blocks and runs away from anyone. He’s blocked me before back in 2017 for several years. I should have followed my gut when he reached out again in 2021. Stupid me. He thinks he’s done NOTHING wrong. I’ve known this guy since we were kids too so I thought he was ok and healthy. He appeared secured and then showed his true colors. I won’t date another avoidant if I can help it. Once I am this angry I am done! And this ex had the guts to say at the breakup that he wanted me in his life and wanted to be friends again someday. I call bullshit.
Should you ever reach out to the DA after an extended period of NC...when you're fully detached are no longer care whether you get back together or not?
No would be my answer.
Funny thing is...everytime my DA EX would act cold i would break up before they do due to fear of abandonement...made no contact during 1 months and came back and he asked me to be sex freind i said yes and after he din't contact me for one week ,i got scared and broke up a second time. Today,i'm trying to move on and heal and decide to date a secur person while learning to heal from my childhood trauma...
Hello I'm so excited my broken 💔💔 relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we leaving and happily together, I got help from a great man he's real and specific 💯
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsapp...☝️☝️
That honestly seems so mean..they just never care I guess
date somoene who care as much as you do!YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Mine told me that we cant be together now because i hurted them so much and i decided to go no contact
Can he activate again after deactivating?
My DA ex girlfriend after 7 months of dating broke up with me with no reason whatsoever. Her reason was ridicolous and it was just a excuse to leave. I tried to convince her not to do it but i never begged or anything. Finnally i told her if she doesnt want ton be with me she can leave. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me without anything significant. I talk with her like with a buddy. Just few sentences a day. Its just a small talk. She never mentioned anything about us and what happenned. She reached out to me four days in a row. However two days ago she was reached out twice asking about address of two shopping centres we were always going together (it's very easy to find it on google maps). Then she complained that she has nobody to go for shopping with and asked am i working now. I don't know if she wanted to genuine meet me or just wanted to use me as a taxi because she doesnt have a driving licence. And my question is: what does she want from me???? I am so confused...
I am with an AD right now. I am male she is female. I tried to break the relationship. They then pursued me after being surprised that I wanted to break up after she asked me if she could go to turkey for three months. I asked her not to contact me. She then did something really romantic after three weeks. First time ever. I then arranged to meet her and and set out my feelings about everything the first two days were fine. Then we have gone straight back to as we were. After four days I share with her the attachment styles and she recognised the behaviour. For example she told me she couldn’t meet me because she was tidying her room. After this conversation she then told me that she had cut short our meeting the next day because her gym partner had to go to the gym earlier than normal because they wanted to see a football match. The next day she cancelled all together. Because she hadn’t slept. Problem is I feel petty and I’m giving up after only a week. So I am beating myself up. And feel like I am letting her down because having discovered the attachment model and now understand her and what happened when she was her a child to make her be that way. It’s very frustrating.
sdate somoene who match your energy buddy...it hard but date somoene who will love you no matter what! you will find somoene she/he is no the only human in the world,grieve first ,heal and move o i'm in the same situation and it only have been 1 week ,it sucks,i cry everytime i think about him then i remeber how much effort i put in him and how much it will feel sooo great to date a guy who love me without fearing of ghosting me amazing and so sexy,don't worry,you will attract the one you want ;)!
We feel guilt, shame, and pain
As you should
And you don't reach out because you think we wouldn't want to hear from you?
Do you ever reach out and apologize?
Good!! Change your ways before it's too late. 💀
I am glad to see that you are aware about your feelings. It starts from awareness. We understand that you have been taught those ways or have adapted these to cope hurtful events in your childhood, but please work on yourself and become secure and help avoid trauma.
It took 6 months post break up to finally implement no contact and really be done.
Good for you!
What if you are in contact with them because you have kids with them?
What are deactivation strategies?
We were together for four years. She was always in and out. We separated for 6 months, and reconnected. We reconnected for 6 months, then she got distant again. She left again a month ago. I feel it was because we weren’t communicating that well. I tried, I asked her to help me understand her needs and wants, what were her triggers. She is a Dismissive avoidant. So me asking for time together and vulnerability freaked her out. I would have done anything.
Does no contact work TWICE?
HELP!!
Yeah it's really tough. There is not a lot of dependability in these relationships. Maybe I can be a little less anxious but that still doesn't get me the relationship any human being deserves. They just don't know how to give of themselves. At all
I think it's important you can actually see evidence that she has developed the ambition and motivation to do the inner work, changed behaviour is most important as it is what will tell you about her follow through. Words and intention are nice but they are also just speculative, at best. Good luck on your own healing ❤️. I know what this is like.
Yes, but you'll just repeat that cycle over and over again. Try to get over her and save yourself the heartache.
@@theguy4615 are you saying this becuase you assume I am not doing. “The work” ?
I am, i really am. In therapy, emdr, gym, lost 60 lbs. I just really love her and like her too. I’m doing the work. But really, I doubt she is. She thinks she’s “just not good in relationships” but with all the stuff I’ve learned I know if we applied the knowledge we could crush!!
It’s hard of letting go of what I really think we can and could be.
@@TheJavierTrejo no it's that she's not. Just friendly advice from someone that was with a DA for 22 years. I know how you feel, but how long do you want to be in such a one sided relationship? There won't be a happy ending for you.
3.5 yrs and it's been hard. She have ran 4 times total. This time tho we are now married. Came home to a note and all her stuff gone. At this point I'm feeling a small amount of relief. She actually went no contact with me. This has destroyed our family. What's crazy is the morning of we literally had a great talk and she was wanting us to work through our issues and she was going to work within our business. Came home that evening and she was gone. She's already file for divorce. This is her forth divorce. I wish there was something I can do. She deserves a good life. She wouldn't even acknowledge she was avoidant 😢
make sure the kids are yours. these are signs of a cheater.
You took girl after 3 divorces... You should at least THINK.
She broke up through text out of nowhere & blocked me…then after 10 days she did an indirect direct reaching out through her family member but I was already practicing no contact.
What if she has said she needs to get over me and that I need to stop messaging her. She put a 😭 emoji after saying this. I think she has feelings and is suppressing them. Deep down I feel like if we didn't have our own personal issues (she had a previous abusive relationship and I had come out of one 3 months before I met her) but we had a great connection and very intimate emotionally and physically
How to get a DA to love again after falling out of love because of trauma in the relationship?
@@alexislaura9487I NEED TO KNOW WHAT COUNTRY THAT IS TO ADD TO WHATSAPP
@@michaelsteel688 don't do it, it's scam
Why do you want that? They come back worse😂