The pain is caused by the absolutely devastating and hurtful way someone who tells you they love you for the first time only 3 days before abruptly breaking a relationship of 7 months via a text message and immediately blocking you so you have no chance to ever talk. And then to never speak to you again and you have no idea of what just happened!? That’s why people ruminate and obsess and feel trapped after you’ve been cruelly discarded like a bag of trash…even after showing up as a terrific partner and having a connection that you believed was on another level only to be left alone with no answers. It’s absolutely mind f**kery and severely damages someone and their kind
It’s outright horrible! I’m sorry for anyone who has to suffer through this profound pain. There’s not many people who will ever understand or will ever know this betrayal. Anxious, secure or avoidant had little impact when you are left to question your reality or trust in yourself. I still have no idea what happened. Is avoidant actually a real thing or was this person just pretending. The humiliation for believing that person. I could go on and on.
@jasondickau3582 oh you'll know they push and pull all the time anxious and avoidants if they just put right left with early pushing and pulling that's just crappy most times they come back after they have emotionally regulated but anxious and avoidants are ppl with trust issues hence insecure the confusion for me comes when they leave but you don't know what triggered them because their communication comes from accusations and you're like that's not true so you don't know what the real truth is so you ruminate on trying to find out why they did something because you know you didn't do what they are thinking you did so it has to be some other reason
My (now) husband did exactly the same at the beginning of our relationship. We were dating for 1,5 years and he said he wants to marry me today 😅 2 weeks after that he broke up with me without any reason A break up with an DA is the worst!!! They really need long time to get what they have done You should try to get better and leave them After 3-4 months they will reach out We hat a LDR at that time but he showed up after 3,5 months at my house at 3 am
They blocked you three days after telling you they loved you because DAs cannot handle emotion and to cope with that expression of emotion they had to bury it and get rid of you. DAs are extremely damaged people. Sorry that you're going through this. It's excruciating for someone who is open and wants to love, give, and receive this too. Their behaviour has nothing to do with you or what you've done or not done. I have been in a relationship with two DAs. Stay well clear. They don't own or take responsibility for their behaviour because they can't - they're too defended and shamed. It all stems from early life neglect and abandonment (not necessarily physical, as it's often emotional abandonment). For DAs, strong emotions such as love are overwhelming and terrifying. They're exceedingly lonely people but do want to be loved, however, when it happens they can't handle it and do things like your ex has done. Everything will be on their terms and hopefully, you're in a strong enough place to keep the door shut when they come back, which they potentially will once feel the need to be close again but as they sense that you need something from them they'll repeat what they've just done. They lack empathy and compassion in close relationships such as as partners or parents. They're often good friends though as friendship is separate enough so as not to overwhelm them. They despise any form of dependence on them or expectation. One I was with wouldn't tell their child they loved them. That's how damaged these people can be.
You totally nailed this. Just got out of a 7 month relationship with a middle aged DA male. .He would run so hot and cold. Nasty at times for no reason ( !). Who texts to break up after 7 months together ? I am guilty of still obsessively watching videos on avoidants, and yes tough on myself over HIS crappy behavior. He triggered my own core wound of rejection.😢 It’s taught me so much. But it hurts deeply.
At least you are out after 7 months. I have been in that type of relationship for NINE years, with a few break up in between and I am THE ONLY ONE that has spent $$, time and energy to correct my anxious attachment and understand him. Meanwhile, he continued to ghost me for days! He is 62. I don’t believe at this point that he is gonna change. He texted you to break up?? Yes, ridiculous but you know what mine did every time? After not contacting me at all, I would call him just to hear him say “this is not gonna work, we need to break up”. This time 4 weeks ago, I had enough of his anger, yelling and then ghosting for 4 days. So I emailed him ( I did not want to call him so he would yell at me ) and said goodbye to him. I am BROKEN! But this has been 9 years of torture, disrespect and emotional abuse.
@@mairena1962 you obviously have deep feelings for him. Presumably that's why it's been 9 years? For me , it was the amazing sex that kept me with him as he was a fantastic lover. And you mentioned his yelling ( mine too had a bad temper,!) But when you're ready you can detach. There are many videos as to how to emotionally detach then physically exit a relationship. Please put yourself first. You've witnessed 9 years of his bad behaviour. 62 ? Omg you will find better and you deserve better. Virtual hugs. x
The conclusion: don’t date avoidant people when you want a fulfilling relationship . Avoidance also want relationships, they can feel very lonely, but they had to do the “work “.
The answer is to become secure attachment; anything less is simply contribution to the cycle of insecure attachment. DA silently takes the nonsense whilst FA and anxious sound off about it. We all have to something to work on in ourselves.
The conclusion is to only date a damaged person if we feel competent to understand, cope and support a person who also has huge assets in terms of wealth of experience a relationship. My conclusion is to adopt the correct distance with all those who we relate with, and learning not blame them.
maybe not go the easy way out but understand avoidants and adapt to them, just like anyone has to adapt to the needy clingy anxious. But apparently avoidants are the devil
For me, when my avoidant ex turned cold, I needed to know that the person I allowed into my life, heart and home wasn’t the monster he quickly “seemed” to be. That I didn’t exercise such poor judgment. Over time, his heart has melted some which proves to me that it wasn’t I who made a poor judgment. Once I could see again, the gentle person I’d always known, it became easier to move on. In the beginning of the break-up, I was harsh on myself due to the cognitive dissonance between the person I had known and the person who now presented to me. The two were vastly different.
It’s exactly my thing: i resonate with avoidants because they are the perfect mirror how i treat myself by being en empath, by loosing myself for others, by avoid my personal needs. Thats the gift in the avoidant partner what i can take for my groth
You are amazing! I have been blaming myself, but recently realized that I was dating an avoidant. Boy oh boy! Why am I being so harsh on myself! Spot on!
This very nuanced discussion is very enlightening! I’m an avoidant in relationship with an anxious. Two years in, we are working through the power struggle stage of our relationship. This piece was rich in depth of understanding of our dynamics, and I understand the underpinnings of my avoidant nature a lot better now.
To @djenning90-- More of an AP here... Kudos to you for working through your relationship!! I think that's most people want: Another's interest and effort in learning about how to be there for one another in a healthy, kind, patient, and understanding way. We all have baggage --just different kinds. Best of luck to you and your partner!
SUPERB! Your symmetrical Supression vs disregulation segment was FANTASTIC, and the way you describe the beauty, the miracle of healing, is soooo beautiful. From France with love!
@@KatyaMorozova Many thanks for the kind feedback! May I ask for the name of the researchers? I googled but didn't find anything for Mary Jacobs Rock Clarke... I'm a month into all this and really connecting dots and putting all my brain power + intuition in understanding it all. Internet and specifically youtube presented me with videos on "avoidants" ("what the hell is that??") as I first had looked into narcissistic behavior. The crazy (for me) part is precisely the serendipity at hand... turns out not only I am faced with a dissmissive avoidant but it seems I'm an anxious fearful avoidant myself! I'm binge watching amazing videos - but very carefully, replaying any bit where an articulation evaded me, even if it needs replaying a phrase 10 times - by Thaïs Gibson, Kim Sage, Confessions of an Avoidant, Brianna McWilliams and now you. Also the comments section is golden. I downloaded your ebook, will read it this week. I can't afford the program for now sadly. Maybe next year! Thank you so much and all the best for you!
I love the new scenery, lighting and your new look. Loved this video. I am pretty much done with this topic because I broke up with this situation and I’m fine leaving it behind. But this video popped up (as I used to watched this content incessantly) and I decided to watch it. I have to say that this is a very well done video that I was not looking for but I’m happy that it popped up.
Thank you so much ma'am for making this video..I have been waiting for my dismissive avoidant since past 10 months..It's really hurting that he is dating other women after being involved with me in serious relationship. It's seems so easy for him to just move on. He has been through all the phases that you have shared in your previous videos and probably he might be in hai last phase of grieving. But somehow after watching this video, I have realised it's so important and essential for me to prioritise myself. I have really put several efforts to save our relationship but learning that he is dating other women just reflects that he never loved me. Thank you for the last part of this video. I guess someone somewhere needs my care and love more that this man and I really deserve someone who will prioritise me in his life.
I wouldn’t say him dating other women negates what you have at some subconscious level or had previously, but it is definitely an indicator that it’s a time for you to work on yourself, prioritizing your own needs and your self respect and self love above all. You are worthy of love and belonging. ❤
@@sheliasmith2884 as DA woman I don't like flings at all; neither casual. But from my experience what you describe there are narcissists. They're never single, always manipulating and creating love triangles, monkey-branching from one relationship into the next.
@@sheliasmith2884DA female and never been into the casual fling scene or rebounds, so yeah that assumption is more to do with personality and specific coping mechanisms than attachment... and what concern is it of yours anyway if you not together? Shouldn't you be moving on with your life and not fixating on your ex and being preoccupied with their life?
Well said! I am a (mostly) recovered dismissive avoidant who has put years of time and effort into learning to show/share my feelings and to not drown in shame and self-loathing when I feel anything. It's disheartening to see so much vilification and willful misunderstanding in the comments. When you were mocked and/or hit for having any emotions as a child, you learn pretty fast that a poker face and hyper-independence are key to safety and survival. You get really good at that, and when you see others form attachments and spill their feelings (especially love, sadness, fear, and crying) it follows to think they're weak and pathetic, and to snicker and laugh at such displays. You were never allowed to act like that so why should they? What's wrong with them? Why are they so lame? They should be embarrassed! When you're DA, being asked to share how you feel or tell someone "what's wrong" is like being asked to take a dump in public. No way, not happening, why would you even ask such a stupid thing. Conversation over. You see other people, weak and anxious people, as the problem.
My avoidant husband of 35 yrs just told me he had a 2 yr affair but wants to work on our marriage … unfortunately he doesn’t want to talk about it and help me understand … he just wants us to move on … I am losing hope of working on our marriage when so much hurt and trauma has occurred and I have no idea why it even happened … the person who caused such damage seems unwilling to make amends or work on his issues …. should I just walk away ?? I think I have an anxious attachment … are we doomed 🥲🥲🥲
Well explained as a DA myself though I feel bad for people having an emotional session, I'll listen to them but I don't really know how to fix it for them and can't understand why they haven't managed to do that themselves. (I can't laugh at them, I think it's not kind, it's more like not knowing what to do) Sometimes crying is for manipulating the other. If it's aggressive outbursts of emotion I'll get as far away from the person as possible, but that's a gradual fade not one day to the next. I think a lot of peeps here are confusing FA as DA behavior
Dunno about laughing and sneering, I'm usually bewildered that a grown adult hasn't learnt to manage themselves. definitely seen as weakness, incompetence. Taking a dump in the street is a good analogy that's how i feel watching someone get all sappy horrified, secondhand shame & embarrassment. I wonder why are they telling me this and as they haven't dealt with it themselves assume they are too lazy or inept to manage it themselves and expect me to do it for them. so resentment and declining respect, I can't be in a relationship without respect (personal core value) so yeah... Aggression is instant flight or fight though these days I'm more likely to fight then flight, running out of fs to give so becoming less conflict Avoidant (I thinks thats an age thing) though I def need to vanish for a while after to re-centre, days or weeks, depends.
I am anxious preoccupied and I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. We were on off on off the whole 7 years. When he ended it permanently, my anxiety went through the roof. It was extremely painful and consuming then I started thinking it must be to do with me, especially as he eventually blamed me for everything even accusing me of not loving him. I was the loving one out of the two of us He didn’t like cuddles and kisses or anything to do with intimacy, not even sex. It’s very painful when you think that you’re the one that might of caused him to leave even though it came out of the blue and the night before he said love you to me.
I think a lot of avoidants are also narcissists, the way they can just discard you. I got hoovered back in, but I see how it’s going, the trust is gone, not twisting myself into a pretzel anymore. For what? Don’t try to diagnose or fix and think of their “potential “ you will waste years of your life. Run and don’t look back. You will find you’re not as “anxiously attached” as you thought, believe me. Save your precious energy for healing yourself, you must love yourself and look to a person’s true character. ❤
You deserve better, sorry for the pain you've gone through. My ex husband was cold like that, now I look for men who are affectionate; it's a necessary quality in a partner.
I love your videos. They help me understand. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do for my now broken relationship of 9 years. My avoidant-now ex- would NOT try any improvements. He even mocked me about me believing in attachment styles.
At least in my case, I think the self-blame comes from an unstated assumption that what happens to you is deserved. It is easier to see mistreatment as punishment than as aggression. Especially when it comes from someone you are attached to. Does that come from an attachment wound?
APs have a sibling or parent who was a narcissist, who was giving silent treatments, gaslighting etc. Same as the avoidant's parent/sibling. Someone from childhood. (Narcissists are also avoidant or anxious, but they can only manipulate)
True, narcs make people go DA too. That happened to me after a marriage to a covert, then a long-term relationship with a grandiose. One learns to shut down and not show any emotion because they are adept at using it against you later, also because they explode more if you give any reaction during their rage outbursts.
@@ashton1952 exactly, narcissists can only gaslight and make others emotionally dizzy/abused. Creates insecure attachment style. My post above is just an answer, if Katya wonders where anxious and avoidant attachment comes from. Around every 6th person has manipulative(narcissistic) personality disorder, it's very common, so getting emotionally abused at a young age is a very common thing.
@@anothercat9600 true; I've found narcs to be FA because they like drama and confrontation...DA's avoid this. Probably she has another video talking more about narc effects on others
All narcs do the hot-and-cold dance to make the other person addicted to them, so you have a point Ashton. But in other respects I have met narcs who were DA, and AP. The narcs who bother me the least are DA narcs, btw. I'm sorry you went through those relationships. I can relate.
I don’t blame myself - it’s impossible to have a long-term and healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable and unstable person who retreats and leaves the relationship.
This has described me(anxious) and my wife(dismissive avoidant) so well. Idk, I can’t explain in detail because we had so much unresolved trauma that led up to her leaving me, but we still talk and it’s so hard because I’m realizing that she’s always going to be letting me down because I’m putting expectations on her that she clearly said she will not fulfill. It’s hard tho because I’ve had her on a pedestal for years, just seeing her as so resilient, but now I’m understanding it was not resilience and that was unfair of me to put her in that role.
I thak you for these videos and ive been dealimg with my woman and we have 2 kds its been 10 tears since i first started having to deal with behavior amd your videos have brought me a since of relief mayne our answers i couldn't figure out and now i deal with srress like crazy because im not ine to gi e up i decided to create a family with her and i stick to my comment and specially for kids but it been so much unknowns ancd her family they will hurt each other and just ove on so i always showed understanding towards that and shes a good person and any way thank u i stunbled along this videos and now i have a more understanding on whay i have been living with
I'm no longer sure that the way the DA is treated in childhood is to blame, or at least it may not be the whole story. His older sister told me something recently that would've caused me to run at the start if I'd only known it, ie. that he never, ever cried as a baby. Not ever! I consider that to be totally abnormal and it suggests to me that he's always been unemotional. No, he's not autistic either. I wasted 12 yrs. of my prime, and his constant push - pull resulted in a trauma bond that has been agonizing to try to break. Some of the best advice I ever heard, also too late, is that you should look at the person you are dating and imagine an "As Is" sign on their forehead, because people rarely change much. Women seem especially prone to thinking they can love a man so much that he'll change. Nope.
@@a.r.8954 - I agree. I was a therapist, but never qualified to work with personality disorders, so I was not sure. I thought he was Dismissive Avoidant, with OCPD that took the form of extreme workaholism, used as a defense against intimacy, along with some sort of Cluster B disorder. He didn't fit the usual diagnostic guidelines though. Negative experiences were never allowed to even be discussed in his family, so that played a part too. People are rarely simple, that's for sure! Good call on your part.
@@meagiesmuse2334 yeah this is beyond DA. One of the kids in our neighborhood growing up didn't cry or show any emotion, even at his older brother's funeral. It had something to do with a near-death experience (he fell into the swimming pool as a toddler and they had struggled to revive him) so it was a trauma-related disorder.
@@ashton1952 - That is very interesting! My gut told me that no discussion of negative emotion was allowed in the home of my DA and his mom ruled the roost. I wonder if your neighbor was not allowed to discuss his NDE experience.
This helps me understand my anxious partner when I shut down as an avoidant. Would love to hear how I can learn to not go avoidant. It’s extremely hard and I don’t even know where to start. Just tired of the push pull I put him through. He’s always there which is impressive. Don’t give up on Avoidants. We just don’t know what to do
From what I can see, they feel nothing. They kick their dumpees to the curb, sneer, and move onto the next person. I take responsibility for my mistakes in the relationship but my dismissive ex does not. Not at all. We are forced to carry the burden of guilt for both. Never again!!
Sounds like a narc maybe, during the discarding phase. They do that and can get confused with DA because DA's can withdraw for various reasons. They're different contexts and while I don't justify bad behavior on the part of any DA, it's a style not a disorder, and we're def not all the same.
@@ashton1952 my ex had a lot of problems, which are not for me to diagnose. I do have compassion but choose not to be treated so disrespectfully ever again. I have found someone kinder who is willing to talk things out and not bolt at the first sign of a disagreement. A conversation would have saved us both so much pain. I tried! No more, though. Stay strong everyone!
He till 5 am said he loves me and won’t leave me. By 5 pm .. he breaks up that he had a bad time with me! And all the flaws. I chased a bit because it was like getting blindsided. He said he needs space and then he said I was a demanding person. Even just saying- hey would love to meet you, if ok with you- was demanding as breakup happened on text.
If they are avoidant, regardless of whether they are 'working on themselves', leave until they heal. An alcoholic who is down to one drink a day is still an alcoholic.
The pain is from the treatment by the DA, but really it's because I'm suddenly face to face with just exactly how much of the last year I spent devaluing myself to stay in his orbit. Fkn' embarrassing...
I am not quiet sure if I understood everything correctly as English is not my mothertngue. However, I didnt know that I was emotionally fixated on my partner and I didnt know that I gave up so much. But I know why I chose this path, because I really was seeking a family. I wanted to build a big family and therefore, I didnt prioritized me, and actually I would redo it again, as my wish is so deep down. After the break up, I was searching in the internet and heard about attachment styles the first time. I was also shocked how much I struggled with the sudden coldness of my ex and I really cannot believe how fixated I am. Thats why I entered nc. However we have a child, and it really makes me sad that he also avoids the child, eventhough I gave possibilities to contact the child without getting in touch with me. I first thought my behaviour comes from the wish of saving my family, but due to your statement it isnt like that. I must rehear it again as I am not quiet sure if I undserstood it correctly....but when you said that it is not a bad thing to be an anxious attachment style person and there are ppl who actually appreciate this style, it actually gave me a bit of peace! I cannot imagine that someone wants this core but it was nice to hear such nice words! I already thought how to handle my attachment in another relationship (in case my ex stays away or in case he comes back but than I will reject him-who knows the future) as I am quiet sure that I wont get rid of this attachment even if I try as I already try to downsize my emotions. I improved, but still... I really cannot handle that he just said before the brack up that we are a perfect match and weeks late we arent anymore....I slao asked him why he said this if he wanted to break up with me but he didnt answer....there have been tons of break ups in my life but with this one I really, really struggle....
Thank u for giving me the answers i couldn't get from my ex ،last time i reached out after no contact,she ghosted me after initially talking and i was thinking how can a human be so cruel ! Why does she have no regard,she couldve told me i dont want you ,you are ugly and that would've been better. Niw i understand thx to you though
I gathered that you are still working on your anxious attachment style. You said something profound about “ taking accountability for needing another to regulate your emotions”. But then you condemned the avoidant for treating you poorly in “ don’t blame yourself for their coldness” as if it’s the avoidant’s fault that you are giving your power away. To heal that means that you can’t say “ I’m taking accountability for giving away my power” but then in the same breath give away your power by blaming the avoidant for their ways or methods of self- regulation, that looks like coldness🤔. It’s contradictory and harmful to your already insecure attachment/ fragile self. It seems you want the avoidant to forfeit there methods of self-soothing via distance and self-regulation, in order to appease your deregulated emotions that you may have actually caused to begin with. I say this because an avoidant deactivates when they feel unsafe and most likely your behavior being anxious, triggered the avoidant panic response to either their boundaries being violated or being overwhelmed by another’s feelings (most likely the anxious person). In essence, the anxious person wants to be reassured that they did nothing wrong by the very person that they violated, intentionally or unintentionally🧐🤔. That is an extremely selfish request/requirement when it’s the avoidant who has been violated. But yet you get unhinged when the avoidant deactivates in order to 1. Take care of their feelings of betrayal/emotional abuse or trauma that they experienced from an external source (i.e. the anxious partner) 2. To prevent themselves from lashing out on the the source of their violation (i.e. the anxious partner). Then you go on to tell your anxious attachment audience to hopefully find someone who will put up with that toxic behavior and will support it, instead of teaching them to take accountability for their feelings and any negative behaviors that are displayed as a result. Also you have the responsibility of teaching them to learn how to be more self-regulatory in their relationships/within their selves because it’s the most effective way to not give away their power. But I believe that that’s not the case, because from my observations, you haven’t learned to do it yourself. Yet you want to coach and charge your audience to learn how to be even more dis regulated by finding someone to give their power away to, who will be more appreciative of them doing so🙃. You’re, in my humble opinion, setting them up to mate with a narcissist of any kind or a sociopath/ psychopath who will be than willing to regulate them, but to their dire detriment. Ma’am please get healed and become secure in your self and relationships before you harm yourself and others with your most likely toxic program. Yes I am a self regulated secure avoidant. Hence, an anomaly, who healed through the Holy Spirit via Jesus Christ ❤. He is the only one who can Heal all attachments and inadequacies via the void in us all that only He can fill in Jesus Christ magnificent name! This is my testimony and may you all seek Him and not a program that will not help you but hinder you even more. Though it may not be the speakers intention, it most certainly will be the outcome ❤ have a blessed day 😊
Well said. Consistent themes across alot of these threads, "avoidants are narcissistic and evil" and "I'm not responsible for my own feelings and emotional regulation" and "everything bad is my partners fault". You'll never grow more secure as a person whilst looking outwards for validation. She should be giving her audience tools to increase resilience before anything.
@@frankG335 this was the most delulu avoidant comment I have read so far, it's hilarious 😂 Coming from a SA, but for lot of them, everyone is an anxious psycho who has feelings and can speak up for themselves - anxious or not. This passive-agressive blameshifting and attacking the coach is textbook severe, unhealed avoidant reaction. I cannot even... Big up for all the avoidants out there who *really* do the work, I'm proud of you! (It's not sarcasm, I promise.)
Please refrain from Click bait title, misleading viewers especially the kind of work you do is quite triggering. The title is How avoidant feels when they act cold and the whole video is about Anxious! Why waste time of others by misleading them? I wasted 18 minutes and didn’t get the answer title promised! Very manipulative tactic! Sounds brutal but thats how i am feeling after wasting my time on this.
I thought the same thing, as the information would be better suited for fearful avoidants. You didn’t thoroughly explain about the dismissive avoidants and why they do this, which the title implied.
So you are just talking about what the victims of avoidants experience, and not the avoidant experience again? basically they experience nothing. Cool story .
@ashton1952 true but I think the more ppl soothe the anxiety it's not helping avoidants work on the discomforts of feelings neither is bashing I think it's hard for avoidants to empathize because they take criticism too heart so they see this as bashing and not hurting others which keeps them in victim mentality we're adults now and not those little kids we have to grow and change
@@amari2aj553in which case we become secure and grounded within ourselves and maybe close friends but still remain avoiding in relationships and people in general. I see what they say about us if things go bad so why would I ever open up and potentially give them more ammunition? Better to be secure, single and happy.
@@amari2aj553 agree, I find peeps sounding off a lot like they're the victims of the DA. People who also can't see what they do wrong with us; like excessive emotional downloading and expecting us to know what to do to help them with this but there's no instruction manual. Angry outbursts, shaming, meltdowns.... DA stays quiet, it's not a trait of ours to tear others apart verbally. Everyone needs to work on themselves, and there's nothing wrong with giving the inner child some self love so they can adapt to adulthood.
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The pain is caused by the absolutely devastating and hurtful way someone who tells you they love you for the first time only 3 days before abruptly breaking a relationship of 7 months via a text message and immediately blocking you so you have no chance to ever talk. And then to never speak to you again and you have no idea of what just happened!? That’s why people ruminate and obsess and feel trapped after you’ve been cruelly discarded like a bag of trash…even after showing up as a terrific partner and having a connection that you believed was on another level only to be left alone with no answers. It’s absolutely mind f**kery and severely damages someone and their kind
Thank I was like I don't blame myself in confused by the behavior and they don't talk so you don't have an understanding of what just took place
It’s outright horrible! I’m sorry for anyone who has to suffer through this profound pain. There’s not many people who will ever understand or will ever know this betrayal. Anxious, secure or avoidant had little impact when you are left to question your reality or trust in yourself. I still have no idea what happened. Is avoidant actually a real thing or was this person just pretending. The humiliation for believing that person. I could go on and on.
@jasondickau3582 oh you'll know they push and pull all the time anxious and avoidants if they just put right left with early pushing and pulling that's just crappy most times they come back after they have emotionally regulated but anxious and avoidants are ppl with trust issues hence insecure the confusion for me comes when they leave but you don't know what triggered them because their communication comes from accusations and you're like that's not true so you don't know what the real truth is so you ruminate on trying to find out why they did something because you know you didn't do what they are thinking you did so it has to be some other reason
My (now) husband did exactly the same at the beginning of our relationship. We were dating for 1,5 years and he said he wants to marry me today 😅 2 weeks after that he broke up with me without any reason
A break up with an DA is the worst!!!
They really need long time to get what they have done
You should try to get better and leave them
After 3-4 months they will reach out
We hat a LDR at that time but he showed up after 3,5 months at my house at 3 am
They blocked you three days after telling you they loved you because DAs cannot handle emotion and to cope with that expression of emotion they had to bury it and get rid of you. DAs are extremely damaged people. Sorry that you're going through this. It's excruciating for someone who is open and wants to love, give, and receive this too. Their behaviour has nothing to do with you or what you've done or not done. I have been in a relationship with two DAs. Stay well clear. They don't own or take responsibility for their behaviour because they can't - they're too defended and shamed. It all stems from early life neglect and abandonment (not necessarily physical, as it's often emotional abandonment). For DAs, strong emotions such as love are overwhelming and terrifying. They're exceedingly lonely people but do want to be loved, however, when it happens they can't handle it and do things like your ex has done. Everything will be on their terms and hopefully, you're in a strong enough place to keep the door shut when they come back, which they potentially will once feel the need to be close again but as they sense that you need something from them they'll repeat what they've just done. They lack empathy and compassion in close relationships such as as partners or parents. They're often good friends though as friendship is separate enough so as not to overwhelm them. They despise any form of dependence on them or expectation. One I was with wouldn't tell their child they loved them. That's how damaged these people can be.
People can’t give you what they don’t have.
Exactly what I thought.
How can we ask for love when they don't have it themselves.
I learned so much from this experience..
You totally nailed this. Just got out of a 7 month relationship with a middle aged DA male. .He would run so hot and cold. Nasty at times for no reason ( !). Who texts to break up after 7 months together ? I am guilty of still obsessively watching videos on avoidants, and yes tough on myself over HIS crappy behavior. He triggered my own core wound of rejection.😢 It’s taught me so much. But it hurts deeply.
Thank you for sharing! I’m glad this resonated with you. And i’m sorry you’re hurting. 🤗
At least you are out after 7 months. I have been in that type of relationship for NINE years, with a few break up in between and I am THE ONLY ONE that has spent $$, time and energy to correct my anxious attachment and understand him. Meanwhile, he continued to ghost me for days! He is 62. I don’t believe at this point that he is gonna change. He texted you to break up?? Yes, ridiculous but you know what mine did every time? After not contacting me at all, I would call him just to hear him say “this is not gonna work, we need to break up”. This time 4 weeks ago, I had enough of his anger, yelling and then ghosting for 4 days. So I emailed him ( I did not want to call him so he would yell at me ) and said goodbye to him. I am BROKEN! But this has been 9 years of torture, disrespect and emotional abuse.
@@mairena1962 you obviously have deep feelings for him. Presumably that's why it's been 9 years? For me , it was the amazing sex that kept me with him as he was a fantastic lover.
And you mentioned his yelling ( mine too had a bad temper,!) But when you're ready you can detach. There are many videos as to how to emotionally detach then physically exit a relationship. Please put yourself first. You've witnessed 9 years of his bad behaviour. 62 ? Omg you will find better and you deserve better. Virtual hugs. x
@@therocknrollcook Thank you. Yes, he is 62 and I am 61. Lots of years, lots of tears.
Same here 2 years they are not worth it never again they will waste your time.
The conclusion: don’t date avoidant people when you want a fulfilling relationship . Avoidance also want relationships, they can feel very lonely, but they had to do the “work “.
The answer is to become secure attachment; anything less is simply contribution to the cycle of insecure attachment. DA silently takes the nonsense whilst FA and anxious sound off about it. We all have to something to work on in ourselves.
The conclusion is to only date a damaged person if we feel competent to understand, cope and support a person who also has huge assets in terms of wealth of experience a relationship.
My conclusion is to adopt the correct distance with all those who we relate with, and learning not blame them.
Well said 🎉
maybe not go the easy way out but understand avoidants and adapt to them, just like anyone has to adapt to the needy clingy anxious. But apparently avoidants are the devil
@@elisabettajdj335What does adapt even mean though? Get labeled as the devil and just suck it up
For me, when my avoidant ex turned cold, I needed to know that the person I allowed into my life, heart and home wasn’t the monster he quickly “seemed” to be. That I didn’t exercise such poor judgment. Over time, his heart has melted some which proves to me that it wasn’t I who made a poor judgment. Once I could see again, the gentle person I’d always known, it became easier to move on. In the beginning of the break-up, I was harsh on myself due to the cognitive dissonance between the person I had known and the person who now presented to me. The two were vastly different.
It’s exactly my thing: i resonate with avoidants because they are the perfect mirror how i treat myself by being en empath, by loosing myself for others, by avoid my personal needs. Thats the gift in the avoidant partner what i can take for my groth
Damn youve put that so beautifully😢 This makes the healing a bit better
The worst part is you just don’t see it coming. It’s wonderful with no red flags until it isn’t.
You are amazing!
I have been blaming myself, but recently realized that I was dating an avoidant. Boy oh boy! Why am I being so harsh on myself! Spot on!
Aww thanks for the kudos! 😊
@@KatyaMorozova I would book a session but id probably fall in love... LOL
So, you said you would tell us what the DA was feeling? Not sure I heard it except that they feel the same sadness but don’t show it?
Just forget about all this & get a dog. Woof!
True 😂❤
❤🐕
No doubt!
lol I have my cat. She’s more loving than my avoidant ex ever was.
This very nuanced discussion is very enlightening! I’m an avoidant in relationship with an anxious. Two years in, we are working through the power struggle stage of our relationship. This piece was rich in depth of understanding of our dynamics, and I understand the underpinnings of my avoidant nature a lot better now.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, and I’m glad that the avoidant part of you felt understood. 🙏
To @djenning90-- More of an AP here... Kudos to you for working through your relationship!! I think that's most people want: Another's interest and effort in learning about how to be there for one another in a healthy, kind, patient, and understanding way. We all have baggage --just different kinds. Best of luck to you and your partner!
SUPERB! Your symmetrical Supression vs disregulation segment was FANTASTIC, and the way you describe the beauty, the miracle of healing, is soooo beautiful.
From France with love!
Aw thanks for your thoughtful feedback! I appreciate knowing what spoke to you.
@@KatyaMorozova Many thanks for the kind feedback!
May I ask for the name of the researchers? I googled but didn't find anything for Mary Jacobs Rock Clarke...
I'm a month into all this and really connecting dots and putting all my brain power + intuition in understanding it all.
Internet and specifically youtube presented me with videos on "avoidants" ("what the hell is that??") as I first had looked into narcissistic behavior.
The crazy (for me) part is precisely the serendipity at hand... turns out not only I am faced with a dissmissive avoidant but it seems I'm an anxious fearful avoidant myself!
I'm binge watching amazing videos - but very carefully, replaying any bit where an articulation evaded me, even if it needs replaying a phrase 10 times - by Thaïs Gibson, Kim Sage, Confessions of an Avoidant, Brianna McWilliams and now you.
Also the comments section is golden.
I downloaded your ebook, will read it this week. I can't afford the program for now sadly. Maybe next year!
Thank you so much and all the best for you!
I love the new scenery, lighting and your new look. Loved this video. I am pretty much done with this topic because I broke up with this situation and I’m fine leaving it behind. But this video popped up (as I used to watched this content incessantly) and I decided to watch it. I have to say that this is a very well done video that I was not looking for but I’m happy that it popped up.
This was so good and relevant and helpful! ❤️
Thanks for sharing! I’m happy to hear it.
Looking good Katya. Another good video. 🙏
Well done Katya!
Thank you so much, Holt! 😊
Thank you so much ma'am for making this video..I have been waiting for my dismissive avoidant since past 10 months..It's really hurting that he is dating other women after being involved with me in serious relationship. It's seems so easy for him to just move on. He has been through all the phases that you have shared in your previous videos and probably he might be in hai last phase of grieving. But somehow after watching this video, I have realised it's so important and essential for me to prioritise myself. I have really put several efforts to save our relationship but learning that he is dating other women just reflects that he never loved me. Thank you for the last part of this video. I guess someone somewhere needs my care and love more that this man and I really deserve someone who will prioritise me in his life.
Yes they move on but remember this they like flings casual anything other then that the cycle starts again.
I wouldn’t say him dating other women negates what you have at some subconscious level or had previously, but it is definitely an indicator that it’s a time for you to work on yourself, prioritizing your own needs and your self respect and self love above all. You are worthy of love and belonging. ❤
@@sheliasmith2884 as DA woman I don't like flings at all; neither casual. But from my experience what you describe there are narcissists. They're never single, always manipulating and creating love triangles, monkey-branching from one relationship into the next.
@@sheliasmith2884DA female and never been into the casual fling scene or rebounds, so yeah that assumption is more to do with personality and specific coping mechanisms than attachment... and what concern is it of yours anyway if you not together?
Shouldn't you be moving on with your life and not fixating on your ex and being preoccupied with their life?
I'm so glad that you recognize that you deserve to be prioritized! I hope you remember and hang on that realization.
Well said! I am a (mostly) recovered dismissive avoidant who has put years of time and effort into learning to show/share my feelings and to not drown in shame and self-loathing when I feel anything. It's disheartening to see so much vilification and willful misunderstanding in the comments. When you were mocked and/or hit for having any emotions as a child, you learn pretty fast that a poker face and hyper-independence are key to safety and survival. You get really good at that, and when you see others form attachments and spill their feelings (especially love, sadness, fear, and crying) it follows to think they're weak and pathetic, and to snicker and laugh at such displays. You were never allowed to act like that so why should they? What's wrong with them? Why are they so lame? They should be embarrassed! When you're DA, being asked to share how you feel or tell someone "what's wrong" is like being asked to take a dump in public. No way, not happening, why would you even ask such a stupid thing. Conversation over. You see other people, weak and anxious people, as the problem.
My avoidant husband of 35 yrs just told me he had a 2 yr affair but wants to work on our marriage … unfortunately he doesn’t want to talk about it and help me understand … he just wants us to move on … I am losing hope of working on our marriage when so much hurt and trauma has occurred and I have no idea why it even happened … the person who caused such damage seems unwilling to make amends or work on his issues …. should I just walk away ?? I think I have an anxious attachment … are we doomed 🥲🥲🥲
Well explained as a DA myself though I feel bad for people having an emotional session, I'll listen to them but I don't really know how to fix it for them and can't understand why they haven't managed to do that themselves. (I can't laugh at them, I think it's not kind, it's more like not knowing what to do) Sometimes crying is for manipulating the other. If it's aggressive outbursts of emotion I'll get as far away from the person as possible, but that's a gradual fade not one day to the next. I think a lot of peeps here are confusing FA as DA behavior
Dunno about laughing and sneering, I'm usually bewildered that a grown adult hasn't learnt to manage themselves. definitely seen as weakness, incompetence.
Taking a dump in the street is a good analogy that's how i feel watching someone get all sappy horrified, secondhand shame & embarrassment. I wonder why are they telling me this and as they haven't dealt with it themselves assume they are too lazy or inept to manage it themselves and expect me to do it for them. so resentment and declining respect, I can't be in a relationship without respect (personal core value) so yeah...
Aggression is instant flight or fight though these days I'm more likely to fight then flight, running out of fs to give so becoming less conflict Avoidant (I thinks thats an age thing) though I def need to vanish for a while after to re-centre, days or weeks, depends.
Then for God's sake, don't date! It's not even decent to inflict that on people.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing a piece of your inner world.
Dang spot on about self blame and fixing.l did literally everything right
Glad it resonated.
I am anxious preoccupied and I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. We were on off on off the whole 7 years. When he ended it permanently, my anxiety went through the roof. It was extremely painful and consuming then I started thinking it must be to do with me, especially as he eventually blamed me for everything even accusing me of not loving him. I was the loving one out of the two of us He didn’t like cuddles and kisses or anything to do with intimacy, not even sex. It’s very painful when you think that you’re the one that might of caused him to leave even though it came out of the blue and the night before he said love you to me.
I think a lot of avoidants are also narcissists, the way they can just discard you. I got hoovered back in, but I see how it’s going, the trust is gone, not twisting myself into a pretzel anymore. For what? Don’t try to diagnose or fix and think of their “potential “ you will waste years of your life. Run and don’t look back. You will find you’re not as “anxiously attached” as you thought, believe me.
Save your precious energy for healing yourself, you must love yourself and look to a person’s true character. ❤
You deserve better, sorry for the pain you've gone through. My ex husband was cold like that, now I look for men who are affectionate; it's a necessary quality in a partner.
How did you know that this time it was final? Maybe he is coming back again?
Thank you for this insightful wise video. I learned a lot
Glad it was helpful!🌻
Great video!
Thank you! ✨
This video just gave me back my sanity.❤
Aw I’m so glad to hear that! 😊
What goes down must come up eventually. She was so cold n hurtful then blocks you. I didn't recognise who she was 😢
I love your videos. They help me understand. Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do for my now broken relationship of 9 years. My avoidant-now ex- would NOT try any improvements. He even mocked me about me believing in attachment styles.
At least in my case, I think the self-blame comes from an unstated assumption that what happens to you is deserved. It is easier to see mistreatment as punishment than as aggression. Especially when it comes from someone you are attached to.
Does that come from an attachment wound?
Thanks for sharing your insightful observation. What you're describing certainly sounds like it could come from an attachment wound.
Interesting to learn about the different deactivating strategies for DA and anxious people
I’m glad you found it interesting! Thanks for letting me know. 😊
APs have a sibling or parent who was a narcissist, who was giving silent treatments, gaslighting etc.
Same as the avoidant's parent/sibling.
Someone from childhood.
(Narcissists are also avoidant or anxious, but they can only manipulate)
True, narcs make people go DA too. That happened to me after a marriage to a covert, then a long-term relationship with a grandiose. One learns to shut down and not show any emotion because they are adept at using it against you later, also because they explode more if you give any reaction during their rage outbursts.
@@ashton1952 exactly, narcissists can only gaslight and make others emotionally dizzy/abused. Creates insecure attachment style.
My post above is just an answer, if Katya wonders where anxious and avoidant attachment comes from.
Around every 6th person has manipulative(narcissistic) personality disorder, it's very common, so getting emotionally abused at a young age is a very common thing.
@@anothercat9600 true; I've found narcs to be FA because they like drama and confrontation...DA's avoid this. Probably she has another video talking more about narc effects on others
All narcs do the hot-and-cold dance to make the other person addicted to them, so you have a point Ashton. But in other respects I have met narcs who were DA, and AP. The narcs who bother me the least are DA narcs, btw.
I'm sorry you went through those relationships. I can relate.
I don’t blame myself - it’s impossible to have a long-term and healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable and unstable person who retreats and leaves the relationship.
This has described me(anxious) and my wife(dismissive avoidant) so well. Idk, I can’t explain in detail because we had so much unresolved trauma that led up to her leaving me, but we still talk and it’s so hard because I’m realizing that she’s always going to be letting me down because I’m putting expectations on her that she clearly said she will not fulfill. It’s hard tho because I’ve had her on a pedestal for years, just seeing her as so resilient, but now I’m understanding it was not resilience and that was unfair of me to put her in that role.
I thak you for these videos and ive been dealimg with my woman and we have 2 kds its been 10 tears since i first started having to deal with behavior amd your videos have brought me a since of relief mayne our answers i couldn't figure out and now i deal with srress like crazy because im not ine to gi e up i decided to create a family with her and i stick to my comment and specially for kids but it been so much unknowns ancd her family they will hurt each other and just ove on so i always showed understanding towards that and shes a good person and any way thank u i stunbled along this videos and now i have a more understanding on whay i have been living with
My pleasure! Glad the video helped.
I'm no longer sure that the way the DA is treated in childhood is to blame, or at least it may not be the whole story. His older sister told me something recently that would've caused me to run at the start if I'd only known it, ie. that he never, ever cried as a baby. Not ever! I consider that to be totally abnormal and it suggests to me that he's always been unemotional. No, he's not autistic either. I wasted 12 yrs. of my prime, and his constant push - pull resulted in a trauma bond that has been agonizing to try to break. Some of the best advice I ever heard, also too late, is that you should look at the person you are dating and imagine an "As Is" sign on their forehead, because people rarely change much. Women seem especially prone to thinking they can love a man so much that he'll change. Nope.
Love the as is advice. So sorry about your experience and how it turned out. ❤
That sounds like it might be a personality disorder. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
@@a.r.8954 - I agree. I was a therapist, but never qualified to work with personality disorders, so I was not sure. I thought he was Dismissive Avoidant, with OCPD that took the form of extreme workaholism, used as a defense against intimacy, along with some sort of Cluster B disorder. He didn't fit the usual diagnostic guidelines though. Negative experiences were never allowed to even be discussed in his family, so that played a part too. People are rarely simple, that's for sure! Good call on your part.
@@meagiesmuse2334 yeah this is beyond DA. One of the kids in our neighborhood growing up didn't cry or show any emotion, even at his older brother's funeral. It had something to do with a near-death experience (he fell into the swimming pool as a toddler and they had struggled to revive him) so it was a trauma-related disorder.
@@ashton1952 - That is very interesting! My gut told me that no discussion of negative emotion was allowed in the home of my DA and his mom ruled the roost. I wonder if your neighbor was not allowed to discuss his NDE experience.
"... self-flagellation,..." You paint a pretty picture 🖼 🎨 😊
I do my best. 😉👩🎨
@@KatyaMorozova & succeed; Spasibo and happy new year... 👍
This helps me understand my anxious partner when I shut down as an avoidant. Would love to hear how I can learn to not go avoidant. It’s extremely hard and I don’t even know where to start. Just tired of the push pull I put him through. He’s always there which is impressive. Don’t give up on Avoidants. We just don’t know what to do
From what I can see, they feel nothing. They kick their dumpees to the curb, sneer, and move onto the next person. I take responsibility for my mistakes in the relationship but my dismissive ex does not. Not at all. We are forced to carry the burden of guilt for both. Never again!!
Sounds like a narc maybe, during the discarding phase. They do that and can get confused with DA because DA's can withdraw for various reasons. They're different contexts and while I don't justify bad behavior on the part of any DA, it's a style not a disorder, and we're def not all the same.
@@ashton1952 my ex had a lot of problems, which are not for me to diagnose. I do have compassion but choose not to be treated so disrespectfully ever again. I have found someone kinder who is willing to talk things out and not bolt at the first sign of a disagreement. A conversation would have saved us both so much pain. I tried! No more, though. Stay strong everyone!
this was more about the anxious avoidant
He till 5 am said he loves me and won’t leave me. By 5 pm .. he breaks up that he had a bad time with me! And all the flaws. I chased a bit because it was like getting blindsided. He said he needs space and then he said I was a demanding person. Even just saying- hey would love to meet you, if ok with you- was demanding as breakup happened on text.
Same shit here but mine left to an other country within a week 🎉
If they are avoidant, regardless of whether they are 'working on themselves', leave until they heal.
An alcoholic who is down to one drink a day is still an alcoholic.
This is me.
The pain is from the treatment by the DA, but really it's because I'm suddenly face to face with just exactly how much of the last year I spent devaluing myself to stay in his orbit. Fkn' embarrassing...
Ty
Yw
I am not quiet sure if I understood everything correctly as English is not my mothertngue. However, I didnt know that I was emotionally fixated on my partner and I didnt know that I gave up so much. But I know why I chose this path, because I really was seeking a family. I wanted to build a big family and therefore, I didnt prioritized me, and actually I would redo it again, as my wish is so deep down.
After the break up, I was searching in the internet and heard about attachment styles the first time. I was also shocked how much I struggled with the sudden coldness of my ex and I really cannot believe how fixated I am. Thats why I entered nc. However we have a child, and it really makes me sad that he also avoids the child, eventhough I gave possibilities to contact the child without getting in touch with me.
I first thought my behaviour comes from the wish of saving my family, but due to your statement it isnt like that. I must rehear it again as I am not quiet sure if I undserstood it correctly....but when you said that it is not a bad thing to be an anxious attachment style person and there are ppl who actually appreciate this style, it actually gave me a bit of peace! I cannot imagine that someone wants this core but it was nice to hear such nice words!
I already thought how to handle my attachment in another relationship (in case my ex stays away or in case he comes back but than I will reject him-who knows the future) as I am quiet sure that I wont get rid of this attachment even if I try as I already try to downsize my emotions. I improved, but still...
I really cannot handle that he just said before the brack up that we are a perfect match and weeks late we arent anymore....I slao asked him why he said this if he wanted to break up with me but he didnt answer....there have been tons of break ups in my life but with this one I really, really struggle....
❤
Thank u for giving me the answers i couldn't get from my ex ،last time i reached out after no contact,she ghosted me after initially talking and i was thinking how can a human be so cruel ! Why does she have no regard,she couldve told me i dont want you ,you are ugly and that would've been better. Niw i understand thx to you though
I’m so glad this video helped you get the answers you were seeking! 🙏
@@KatyaMorozova bless your heart
You've been working on your accent. Either way, nice voice.
I gathered that you are still working on your anxious attachment style. You said something profound about “ taking accountability for needing another to regulate your emotions”. But then you condemned the avoidant for treating you poorly in “ don’t blame yourself for their coldness” as if it’s the avoidant’s fault that you are giving your power away. To heal that means that you can’t say “ I’m taking accountability for giving away my power” but then in the same breath give away your power by blaming the avoidant for their ways or methods of self- regulation, that looks like coldness🤔. It’s contradictory and harmful to your already insecure attachment/ fragile self. It seems you want the avoidant to forfeit there methods of self-soothing via distance and self-regulation, in order to appease your deregulated emotions that you may have actually caused to begin with. I say this because an avoidant deactivates when they feel unsafe and most likely your behavior being anxious, triggered the avoidant panic response to either their boundaries being violated or being overwhelmed by another’s feelings (most likely the anxious person). In essence, the anxious person wants to be reassured that they did nothing wrong by the very person that they violated, intentionally or unintentionally🧐🤔. That is an extremely selfish request/requirement when it’s the avoidant who has been violated. But yet you get unhinged when the avoidant deactivates in order to 1. Take care of their feelings of betrayal/emotional abuse or trauma that they experienced from an external source (i.e. the anxious partner) 2. To prevent themselves from lashing out on the the source of their violation (i.e. the anxious partner). Then you go on to tell your anxious attachment audience to hopefully find someone who will put up with that toxic behavior and will support it, instead of teaching them to take accountability for their feelings and any negative behaviors that are displayed as a result. Also you have the responsibility of teaching them to learn how to be more self-regulatory in their relationships/within their selves because it’s the most effective way to not give away their power. But I believe that that’s not the case, because from my observations, you haven’t learned to do it yourself. Yet you want to coach and charge your audience to learn how to be even more dis regulated by finding someone to give their power away to, who will be more appreciative of them doing so🙃. You’re, in my humble opinion, setting them up to mate with a narcissist of any kind or a sociopath/ psychopath who will be than willing to regulate them, but to their dire detriment. Ma’am please get healed and become secure in your self and relationships before you harm yourself and others with your most likely toxic program. Yes I am a self regulated secure avoidant. Hence, an anomaly, who healed through the Holy Spirit via Jesus Christ ❤. He is the only one who can Heal all attachments and inadequacies via the void in us all that only He can fill in Jesus Christ magnificent name! This is my testimony and may you all seek Him and not a program that will not help you but hinder you even more. Though it may not be the speakers intention, it most certainly will be the outcome ❤ have a blessed day 😊
Well said.
Consistent themes across alot of these threads, "avoidants are narcissistic and evil" and "I'm not responsible for my own feelings and emotional regulation" and "everything bad is my partners fault".
You'll never grow more secure as a person whilst looking outwards for validation. She should be giving her audience tools to increase resilience before anything.
SO, without doing the actual work, you had a magical nd instant transformation and you show t b attacking anxious person?
Nope. You are NOT HEALED. IT
@@frankG335 this was the most delulu avoidant comment I have read so far, it's hilarious 😂 Coming from a SA, but for lot of them, everyone is an anxious psycho who has feelings and can speak up for themselves - anxious or not. This passive-agressive blameshifting and attacking the coach is textbook severe, unhealed avoidant reaction. I cannot even...
Big up for all the avoidants out there who *really* do the work, I'm proud of you! (It's not sarcasm, I promise.)
Please refrain from Click bait title, misleading viewers especially the kind of work you do is quite triggering. The title is How avoidant feels when they act cold and the whole video is about Anxious! Why waste time of others by misleading them? I wasted 18 minutes and didn’t get the answer title promised! Very manipulative tactic! Sounds brutal but thats how i am feeling after wasting my time on this.
I thought the same thing, as the information would be better suited for fearful avoidants. You didn’t thoroughly explain about the dismissive avoidants and why they do this, which the title implied.
true
Nktbjbg because they habe mived on to the next dude to coverbup any pain or guilt for being assholes
So you are just talking about what the victims of avoidants experience, and not the avoidant experience again? basically they experience nothing. Cool story .
Defensive much?
Avoiding bashing is becoming a trend; easier than working on oneself
@ashton1952 true but I think the more ppl soothe the anxiety it's not helping avoidants work on the discomforts of feelings neither is bashing I think it's hard for avoidants to empathize because they take criticism too heart so they see this as bashing and not hurting others which keeps them in victim mentality we're adults now and not those little kids we have to grow and change
@@amari2aj553in which case we become secure and grounded within ourselves and maybe close friends but still remain avoiding in relationships and people in general. I see what they say about us if things go bad so why would I ever open up and potentially give them more ammunition? Better to be secure, single and happy.
@@amari2aj553 agree, I find peeps sounding off a lot like they're the victims of the DA. People who also can't see what they do wrong with us; like excessive emotional downloading and expecting us to know what to do to help them with this but there's no instruction manual. Angry outbursts, shaming, meltdowns.... DA stays quiet, it's not a trait of ours to tear others apart verbally. Everyone needs to work on themselves, and there's nothing wrong with giving the inner child some self love so they can adapt to adulthood.