why do i have Avoidant Personality Disorder?
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- Опубликовано: 5 ноя 2023
- This is just my story, everyone's is going to be different. If you were also subject to bullying and grooming and emotional abuse and didn't end up with a mental health disorder, then that's amazing for you lol. I've heard it all before - in fact, the narcissist in question had PTSD from his time in war and used that to invalidate my mental health symptoms constantly.
Love you guys, thanks for watching as always.
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I forgot one of the saddest things of all: my senior superlative in the yearbook when I graduated high school was “most changed since freshman year” 🥲
I made up a fun nickname on our superlative sheet for grad pix to make up for the lack of belonging, people must have been like... Who/WhatTF?! 🤷🏼♀️🤣
@@T19835dght would have worked for me!
Not in a positive way?
@@heedmydemands I think it was in a neutral way at the time? But looking back, it’s sad. I started high school as a pretty vibrant teen, a little shy but otherwise happy, having gotten over the hump of bullying. But by the time I graduated, I had completely transformed all my tastes and interests and identity to suit what he liked, which included dressing more sexualized, quit hanging out with my friends, and also suffered from severe depression and anxiety by then. 😔
@@anxious_and_avoidant o no
People miss that physical and emotional neglect is child abuse
It’s true… I’m always going to minimize my parent’s role (especially my mom… she really did break generational trauma) because we have a good relationship now and I’m protective of them, but I recognize that my dad not being around ultimately lead to me seeking out relationships with older men in the first place. ❤️🩹
You are a sweetheart and that's understandable. It's quite beautiful.
SRSLY.
@@anxious_and_avoidantThe fact that you have such a nuanced view of things makes me think you've come further in healing than you may give yourself credit for. These videos take strength to share and post! 👍💪
I'm so sorry 😔. My sister dated a grandiose narcissist for a few years and Shay says that he ruined her life. She has gradually moved in from it, but it certainly took a major toll on her. That kind of abuse has to ruin a person's faith and trust in other people. I'm 35 and I've never been in a relationship. Usually feel sorry for myself but maybe I should be grateful I haven't had this type of experience. Thanks again for sharing, I hope sharing helps you in some way, maybe a relief if nothing else. Kind of making me wonder if I should try making a video like this, but I'm so scared. You're very brave
I feel like AvPD isn’t a case of trauma causing dysfunction but dysfunction "causing" trauma. I think there's something different about our brains that makes us more vulnerable to life stressors which then reinforces the "dsyfuntion" in our brains, as opposed to cptsd which is caused by trauma and feels much less permanent.
This is how I see it as well. I can remember being 4 or 5 only moving my lips instead of singing in a group because I was afraid of somehow screwing up and being ridiculed. I don't think I'd been bullied much by then. Being wary is in my temperament, but since I was constantly afraid of shame, when the worst happened I already knew to blame myself and try to avoid it more and thus it only got worse as it went on. I have to say though that my mom definately suffers of the same so I also had a role model for it in addition to the genes. I have later heard stories from my aunt, such as how mom wouldn't take me to some local free playground event kind of obviously just because she couldn't escape other parents there.
I agree, and not to be fatalistic, but it’s almost like the avoidant response was primed and destined to happen once a stressor is experienced
In my case not, I was a very loud and confident child I always felt different though thinking about suicide at 10/12 years old, having big feelings in general then we moved, I've got isolated and bullied and it's changed me forever. I have finally became avoidant maybe 4/5 years ago as a way to finally live in peace after being such a socially anxious person during high school. It's make me sad but can't deny I finally live in peace
Damn. This one hit hard, at the intersection of my experience(s), and former life as a Victim Advocate... All I can say is: PARENTS: Raise your girls with authentic self-esteem and capacity, or we may become targets for all manner of predators. Also, I thought you explained things so very well, and I honor and admire your transparency, thank you Maxine. 🕯️🙏🕊️
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 well said, and thank you.. always looking forward to your comments ❤️
@@anxious_and_avoidant Glad to hear that from you, as I'm unusually sharing here, but we're a small, invisible kind so a rare opportunity to meet others and trade tips and war stories, so to speak. Can only imagine how many lurkers you are helping! But only do what works for YOU. 👍💞
So sad that you had that experience as a teenager… it’s scary how easily these situations can happen, and how difficult it is to come to terms with until we are much older!
I remember being a naive teen girl too who would’ve loved to be seen as “mature” by an older guy- I’m just lucky that nothing similarly malicious ever happened to me at such an inherently vulnerable age.
With me it's the opposite - I always felt a step behind and also wanted to stay a child. My first kiss was with nearly 20. Nothing that hard happend to me, but I still have AvPS. But I also think, even tho I don't consider myself healthy, I do function, because my childhood and teen years were good and stable. And the 2 - 3 years I did not function, my boyfriend cared for me.
My first years were more turbulent with migration and diffrent people watching after me (even tho my parents were always there, they had to go to language courses and so on when I was a baby).
And I in general don't have a good relationship with my mother, she also forced me to play with other children I hated, that stole and broke my things (I always found and still find my things very important, they mean a lot to me and I even still have at least one of the things that evil girl destroyed). My mother did not provide the protection I needed. She doesn't understand me, until today. I never feel so bad like sometimes when I talk to her, for example just a few days ago. And she is not even a bad person, she is actually good, with a big heart, somehow. But she just doesn't understand me. We were seperated after birth for 1 or 2 weeks, maybe that's why. It was common practice back then, there. She still breastfeeded me that time, but that's all she did the first week(s).
I also had no room for me alone until I was 13. And there were always people in our house, relatives, friends, that came over spontanously. I hated that. I had not enough space and time for me. I sometimes did not dare to go to the toilet to avoid seeing some of these guests.
And so on, and so forth, it's already enough, sorry. :D
Have a nice day, best wishes to everyone who might read this. 🌻
Life gets better, in general, statistically (at least in western countries).
Middle child too, absent dad, emotional neglectful mom plus she loved putting me down whenever she could. Was also a tomboy, and a geek❤ so bullying seemed to come with territory. Ridiculously shy unless there was music, reckless too 👀👀. Would only get into relationships with boys I've known for years, luckily they were one of the good ones. Ran into an npd when I was 36, got diagnosed after bc I didn't understand what was happening to me, I thought I was "just shy" and "afraid to speak up" to my ex. An npd partner will for sure put the spotlight on our own childhood trauma. Hurt like hell, but at same time, without it I wouldnt know what I know now and probably struggle even more but sleep walking through life like in years prior
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Hello. Your videos are a breath of fresh air for someone who has lived with AVPD my whole adult life (I’m 56)! Thank you for making them.
I’m sorry these things happened to you. My father was an absent father as well. Such situations can set someone up for abuse. I’m so sorry.
Your thinking about cPTSD and personality disorders is in alignment with Dr. Sam Vaknin’s (he’s on RUclips, you may have heard of him or seen his videos). He has stated that PD’s are simply different manifestations of one disorder which all stem from trauma. He also says that there are no flashbacks associated with cPTSD. But with PTSD there are flashbacks. So, your experience is consistent with cPTSD, according to Dr. Vaknin, whom I consider to be an expert on the subject. For those of us with AvPD, maybe our shy/anxious temperaments in conjunction with traumatic and humiliating early experiences set us up for this particular disorder.
Well, again, thank you for making videos on this subject. Like you said in another video, we all need a sense of community and social support, especially those of us who have AvPD, and I get a sense of community from your videos and the comments below them. I’ve watched a number of them tonight. Take care!
I haven’t heard of him! So glad there’s a professional to validate my theory. And even more glad that my videos have helped validate your experience and given you a sense of community. 🥹 Truly the highest compliment for me, thank you so much. ❤️
I was shy too and fearful
I wanna thank you for all your videos. There is not much content for avpd out there. I can relate so much and it is true narcisstic relationships can destroy you. Wish you nothing but the best.
You're so right. I was in similar relationships when I was 16 - 19, dating men who were 25 - 29 who were abusive and exploited my naivete. Though in the UK its weirdly legal I think the consensus is that you're a nonce if you're a grown adult dating people in school. Anyways I'm sorry this such a common experience to have... shit needs to be done
I had to idea that's legal in the U.K. very scary.
Similar thing happened to me. He was a father figure (my father died when I was 5). I am no longer a victim thanks to narc videos on the internet. I finnaly put together the amount of abuse...
This can help you figure out - listen to narc themselves - Cluster B Milkshake and Nameless Narcissist.
When you see behind the curtain, you empower yourself and almost laught at them.
Also Loise Hay helped me with meditations... I took my life back.
Good luck!
thanks for sharing your story, there's a lot of power within you
Thank you for this video, I struggle daily with what seems to be avoidant personality disorder. I struggle to get close to other people the biggest problem for me is the silence.
I’m working on becoming more concise to try and heal from this, it’s great to know your not alone! I get flash backs of narcissistic parent standing over me trapping me in my bedroom to cry alone.
It is a very very lonely disorder but you are not alone. ❤️🩹 Happy to be able to help, even tho I’m sorry you can relate!
Thank you for sharing your story, and be so vulnerable on here. That is not easy with avpd. You have many things going for you, even if it may not always feel like it, you have an education and are creative person. From what I see you have likable personality and beautiful eyes. It must have been terrible that you experienced abuse by a narcissists. You were so young. They often target people with low self esteem, that struggle to see their own worth. But nothing should be taken personally from people like this, they project and feel deep worthlessness themselves and are extremely manipulative. This is why it is so important that children from a young age get the support from parents to build a strong self esteem, possibly with self defense training and emotional support. That they can learn to advocate for themselves, have self worth no matter what, and defend themselves, emotionally and physically.
Usually being super shy and extremely introverted is not a natural personality state, but enforced because of our surroundings and us learning that we are not worth listening to or to be seen and valued. I used to be more extroverted and outgoing as a young child, and happy to make friends. I was less fearful. But life hit hard when I became an older child and had a controlling “best” friend that I was forced to play with because they were a family friend and their parents had to take care of me when my parents were working. She was relentless, and hated me, but I could not escape. I was always put down, competed with, and had to comply with everything they wanted. It was very confusing, all I wanted was to be accepted and be a friend. She was in my church and school, and I could not just move places, my parents could not just put me in a different school.
The church was the worst, so many bullies and corruption there. I felt neglected by my own parents emotionally throughout my childhood, they could not be present in my life, but tried the best they could, they had to work hard.
There was also violence in school and I was attacked by a boy, because he thought I was annoying. Beat me up and ripped my clothing. School barely did anything. In high school was not much different. I went as far away from old childhood “friends” as I possibly could. And wanted to make a new start, but long story short, I had a friend group but they did not want to be friends anymore after a year. I felt deep shame, many insecurities. Always in fear and social anxiety. Hated myself. So I got outcasted, even when I tried to make new friends. I was painfully shy and very low in self esteem. They noticed. This had a lot to with my problems. Gossiped about, ignored, felt hated.
The only people I had were my family, except for my brother, because he was always very critical of me, bullied me as well and to this day we don’t really talk. I am now getting therapy (group therapy) and was recently diagnosed with avpd, dependent and borderline traits. Still have to wait for an adhd examination. Struggle bit with body dysmorphia. I’m very thankful for my family support, and couple of friends that I have and the hobbies that I like. But my life had turned for worse these past years and I find it really difficult to function normally in society. 21 years old, I now have bad mental health issues and need to take responsibility for it. Trying to work on self defense training, fitness. Group therapy. Preparing to get my education in music for next year. Hopefully will get better and heal from the past. ❤️🩹
I love hearing the steps you’re taking to heal, very inspiring ❤️🩹
@@anxious_and_avoidant Thank you 🙏
Thank you, too, for sharing!
It will get better. The twentieth are the worst, but statistically it gets better throuout lifetime. I'm 31 now and feel good, even tho I still have these problems (no friends etc.), they don't feel so heavy anymore. You'll find your way, just listen to yourself, your body. Don't listen to others. Of course, also don't listen to me if you feel like this doesn't fit. :D
I also had to play with other children I hated and that treated me badly. My sister just today wrote "Do you still remember those? My child decited not to play with someone today." And I was happy her child can decide on their own.
Wish you the best. 🌻
Music. How Fun. I wish you all the Best. With the Best.
It's not avoidant to want to hang out with some of the smartest kids around. I envied most of those students.
A country kid, so never in the Band ... And Not a talented Senior, but, I keep trying.
To soothe our souls, see "Weightless," by Marconi Union.
our stories are so similar it's crazy. I experienced an abusive relationship from 17-21 and he did the EXACT things you touched on. the gaslighting was INSANEEE.
🫂❤️🩹
You deserved better for a first serious relationship. A very manipulative person he was.
I have it too after being with my narc ex for 7 years. I actually like being alone but I just avoid people.
interesting to hear your story, I feel like we have a lot in common but I guess I have flashbacks so ptsd is more of a link for me. congrats on the clarity the first week is rough for me but you got this! you seem like you are very good at telling a story this video didn't seem, I can't remember your words...confusing or that the story was jumpy at all at least to me. how hard was it for you to write up a script for a video like this? must've been quite challenging. respect to you on that, I've tried to do similar work and it about broke me, I think I'm on the extreme sensitivity scale or something. ever thought about writing a book or maybe a graphic novel? didn't you say you did graphic design....usually my memory is better...cheers friend.
This has been my easiest experience quitting so far - I tried to wean myself a little at the end so I think that helped a lot. Just very sweaty hands mostly hahaha.
My problem is that I don’t write a script I just plan it in my head so then sometimes I feel like I’m going off on tangents or forgetting details, but I guess the point gets across.
And your memory serves you well, I am a graphic designer. ☺️ I’ve always wanted to write a book as well… maybe someday!
My ex narc alienated our daughters.. they are trauma bonded I guess. I’m so scared for their future. They will find someone just like him and end up just like I did :( they are demons soul sucking demons
I also have been alienated from my daughters. I’m so sorry about this. Take care and don’t give up on your daughters coming back
At 53, just last year after being with my soon to be ex-husband 31 years married 29, have just recently also thought maybe I should go back to being in the dark and complacent about discovering that he is a covert narcissist. I am still living in his bizarre-o-world hoping that when I move I can finally start to break away from that toxic bond.
I didnt speak at all except one other kid in pre k. The teacher hugged me once when decided to say something once
I have Avpd too and i experience emotional flashbacks.
Have you looked into CPTSD at all? You may have that as well. ❤️🩹 Like I mentioned, I believe they are very very closely related. But that’s just my theory.
@@anxious_and_avoidant Yes i have. I am not sure. I am also emotionally dysregulated and have some symptoms, but i did not experience serious abuse. I have double depression too so i think i have some sort of attachment, relational trauma. I am in therapy for years now and no therapist would diagnose me with it. I dont know it is like you can only be traumatized when you are impulsive, self destructive or were heavily abused and i get that. Maybe it will change one day.
16:36- 'gaslighting'- I think of it as, an all too common manipulation tactic, that may also form a cognitive-dissonance, not necessarily 'changing' your mind, or beliefs, yet disrupting the thought process of confirmation, or validation, of an objective reality - basically, causing you to continually stumble, mentally... A 'looping', repetitive, circular-reference process, that keeps you off-balance, and fatigues you - which also makes you more susceptible, to further manipulation... The CD (cognitive-dissonance), - is something like, what you emotionally, 'want-wish-desire'(what you 'want' to believe), bringing closer, in measure to what you may currently believe, yet in contrast to what you objectively observe (know_). - Basically, you were in a 2-person _'cult'...- I'm not ignoring aspects of AvPD (I have much more to educate my self on) - CD (cognitive-dissonance), is starting to look to me like an axis-point, for a myriad of otherwise, conditional-situations - to greater and lessor degrees and intensities... Bear in mind, that I'm coming from recent discoveries of CD, for myself; so it's quite likely that I may have some biased perspective (all the usual disclaimers, apply)... Thank you, for your time, and for allowing us on your journey, Maxine "It takes a village" Cheers-
I think I was avoiding for a long time but mostly grew out of it.
I was bullied to until I started standing up for myself.
My parents were divorced when I was 7 or 8
My dad was abusive mentally and physically beat me. My mother was flighty drug addict thief in an out of my life.
I never had a gf at all an I'm 40 now.
But in my early 30s I grew out of my avoidance issues.
Sorry to hear about your rough upbringing but congrats on breaking out of it 🎉❤️
Thank you, although I am much stronger of a person because of it now and I'm not letting my past be something to weigh me down. Very optimistic for life and the future.
We have so much in common…..
I am the opposite when it comes to romantic relationships, I was far too scared. I very occasionally asked someone out, but they always said no, on one occasion someone I had asked out about 3 weeks before then came and asked me out and I freaked out and said no!
I am 49 now (male) and have never been out with any girl, and so now my ability to do that with anyone around my age is never really going to work as I would be like you as the 16 year old, and they would be the much older person (no matter what their actual age was).
I think this is super common for those with AvPD. In my case, I have some dependent personality disorder traits as well, just not enough to classify me with that disorder. I learned I could avoid having to deal with life’s other stressors (first friends, then work) by becoming dependent on just one person to meet all my needs - of course, that’s not healthy or helpful for either person and I still feel stunted as far as relationship maturity is concerned. 😕
watching avpd videos because my new friend wants to hang out with me again, but i am unable due to avpd social blanking, the fear is too much. others videos are comforting. im very suicidal. life is meaningless without relationships. worse, i think this girl likes me non platonically (i like her too in that way) so she is being persistant and wont give up on me. its just making my pain and guilt worse. sorry for the vent. does anyone have advice for social blanking? (wanting to conversate but mind being virtually completely empty.)
In this video i can relate to having an extremely isolated mother .mom was a bit naive when she met my father , eventually she let him take control of her life ,he kept her 24/7 at home ,with no phone ,no permission to go outside or to attend social events and wedding s ,no friends AT ALL , he never let her even say hi to our neighbors . I was the the first daughter ,I'm still wondering if my controlling father and isolated mother was the cause of my avdp or it's just bcz of gens .what do you think ?? I'll be glad to hear your opinion
I bet it definitely contributed, because the way I think about my own moms (negative) influence on me is that I was never taught how to make or especially maintain friendships because it was never modeled, and her insecurity and negative self-talk eventually became my own. My mom was trapped not because my dad “forbid” her from having a life directly, but definitely did indirectly by having kids with her and then leaving her alone with them 24/7. I’m sure if your dad was directly controlling, that would further impact your mom’s insecurity and low self esteem, which can absolutely be “transferred” to children. ❤️🩹
PS. Love the hair and make up ❣️
Omg thanks 😭 I was nervous to show the world my forehead but couldn’t be bothered to style the hair today hahahahah
@@anxious_and_avoidant it looks great. I understand, but no reason to be nervous at all.
@@anxious_and_avoidantfunny how different we see things, this time all I noticed was how open and bright your face looked, a positive thing, it was subtle!
Omg I'm sorry that happened to u
im triggered lol just started crying not your fault tho and thanks for sharing your story
The bullies are being bullied at home usually_ thats enough to give u cptsd esp 3 years of abuse_ means your neglected_ cause being bullied for that long_ its a toxic systemic dysfunctional education sys, culture & family system _ all interconnected _ as we get older the mature abuser will seek you out for power and control_ you have been conditioned to be a stepford wife in heirarchical cultures.
See I avoided most girls when I was 19 through 24 because the only ones that showed any interest were 15 to 17 and I was not willing to do that.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, no one should do those things. Age difference is superficial as long as they are legal age and similar maturity. Not all men are that way. Yes I can see how someone underage & or hasn't been through enough can't tell when someone is messed up narcissist or sociopath.
Hey I quit smoking weed in early October 2023
Thank you. ❤️ and good job!! 👏 I think that’s around when I quit too 😊 It’s definitely helped my anxiety (ironically… cause I convinced myself the weed was helping my anxiety lol)
Lol me too my anxiety disorder has improved a lot after quitting.
Hello kitty! 😂 Trying to steal your thunder.
23:27 - I wonder _if_ your concept of _"flash-backs",_ is diminished by an assumption that those are necessarily, abrupt, intense, chaotic, hard-triggered, recall - such as is often related in war, battle, violence, crashes, etc - As a CSA (and later, ASA) survivor, and one who's often excelled in advocating for others, yet I've been historically deplorable in self-advocacy, myself - I diminished (derated?), my experiences, and subsequent recalls, for a number of years, until, after talking with a number of other survivors, and counselors, of a wide range of SA (and typically, other abuses)... Self-Advocacy - I think that it's imperative, to not (directly) compare to others (compassion, empathy, and intensity-related support, is one thing), don't compare - not only to the degree of each person's victimization, yet also to their seeming, apparent, handling, and resolve... It will undermine you, every time, in my experience... I don't have say, dramatic flash-backs, per-si - I can, to this very moment, recall great detail, about what happened... it can be a sound, a smell, a taste, something in the environment, like certain weather, or a piece of furniture, a feeling, etc - the recall (flash-back), can be subtle, it can manifest as a seemingly unrelated, panic-attack...- All this to say, you may still have CPTSD/PTSD, even if, a nuanced form... Here's one of many search results - keep in mind that you may still be using a literal, and absolute scale of determination (one of the caveats of DIY, Self-Diagnosis), to your detriment - R/O (Rule-Out) methods aren't very practical for such complex measures; it's not quit the same as evidence-based, process of elimination psychcentral.com/ptsd/complex-ptsd _"Prove, that it's not..."_ (CPTSD) Rank, it's order of likeliness, instead of eliminating it, because it doesn't perfectly (absolute), tic (ALL) the boxes. 👋 _"Get out of your own way, you're trying to help you"_
Amazing insights as always! Thank you ❤️
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im in love with you , you soooo pretty and cute , i like everything about you 😍😍
I was beaten by teachers fot things I didn't do in preschool!!. My mother's family rejected me for a bad word I said when I was 9!!!!!!! Now I'm 27?
Yeh, Hello AvPD.