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FA here, I was dating a DA and noticed red flags throughout the relationship. Stuff that my previous FA/DA exes have done. Made me doubt and question the relationship. We fought a lot. I felt I was treated unfairly because she demanded a lot but wouldn’t follow those same demands herself for me. I noticed when her best friend & only friend moved away, and her work stress took over she broke up with me because we were fighting and it added an extra layer of stress to her life. She said she wanted to be independent & enjoy her new found freedom. It wasn’t long after my break up with another girl and her break up with another man, that we began dating. 6 months in too. So a rebound I would say. But she was emotionally unavailable. One thing I learned from dating DA’s - they never come back. And if they do, it’s for validation and ego no matter if they’re regretting their decision or not. But as an FA, the breakup solidified my greatest fear, abandonment & being unworthy of love. And it felt amazing and relieving even though I didn’t want the breakup. I loved her but knowing that she confirmed my insecurity, I felt better about myself. My previous FA/DA exes all cheated on me & told me I was trash and unworthy of lice. That they were using me to get back with a previous abusive ex or a new partner - even though our relationship wasn’t awful & there were no fights. Everything felt amazing & it felt like I was in love. But DAs and FAs love familiarity which is why they have a phantom ex and that ex even though was a worse partner and might be abusive, is deemed more worthy to an FA/DA. My take is to move on. You need to embody a secure attachment and bond with another secure attachment. FAs and DAs will never commit because commitment creates vulnerability & that’s a sign of weakness & being unworthy. If you’re vulnerable to a FA and a DA, you are deemed weak. Because they’re see themselves stronger and more independent. Which is why they don’t like putting effort in when they think you should be doing it yourself. I’m an FA because I lean anxious preoccupied but become a DA when I know I’m being punished for doing nothing wrong. It’s part of my depression and I’ve been going to therapy for it.
@@ZhengSW Oh no, you've misunderstood, I met my problematic DA 18 months ago. He was married 30 years and had 3 children. However, I think the dynamic in that relationship was an asymetrical relationship where he called all the shots, and she didn't get her needs met. Not by him anyway. Elsewhere. Gambling, drinking, affairs - that was what broke up their marriage. But easy to say it's "her fault" - I now realise that after the 6 month love-bombing phase, comes the "dismissive" phase, where I felt strangely invisible and unacknowledged, especially when we had other guests in the house.
Selfish, completely lacking in empathy, completely lacking in accountability, blame everyone else, entitled, horrible, worthless individuals who absolutely do not deserve anyone giving a shit about them! The worst kind of person to fall in love with!
Dismissive avoidant here, literally just learned about this and now I'm trying to understand my condition so I can break the pattern. Trust me, it's exhausting for us as well.
Which is fine. The Stigma that comes from DA's is simply the way how most relationships play out. For me for example, everything went well as if everything was perfect. My Phantom-Ex was upcoming to me, she told me basically everything about her life and we were even planning on meeting up (Long distance relationships). Suddenly stress came in and she just started to get colder and colder which made me get more anxious because I just wanted to know if there is something for me I could do. There never was anything specific and she never asked me to give her space until it was too much for her and she just completely shut off. I am partly fault yes, but I wasn't expecting the things to play out like this or atleast I wished we could've talked about the problems. 3 months of strong relationship and supporting each other, 1 month then and apparently everything I did (what I did in the beginning) started to piss her off. It's been 4 months now since then since I have heard from her and she just distanced herself more and more, removed me from every possible platform and friendlist possible without any words. The worst part is, she didn't even really broke up with me. She just needed Space, hence why she is my "Phantom-Ex".
@@iBankai1995 I'm sorry. I can't speak for every DA but, it sounds like things were starting to get real and that scared her. That's what happens for me when I deactivate, things get too real and maybe I'm starting to feel vulnerable, which is terrifying. It's a horrible pattern to get stuck in, because it makes you literally shut down and run away from things that could be amazing because it's a trauma response, and the other person is left feeling awful as well because a lot of us can't communicate why we do what we do, it's kinda like a flip gets thrown and even if we really want the relationship, we deactivate. I've got this mantra that I've kinda been chanting to myself every time I feel myself deactivating from the person I'm seeing right now. "If I can deactivate, then I can reactivate." And I actively try to include him in what is happening inside my head. I've made progress, but it's exhausting and scary. I hope you find a good, healthy relationship with open communication and reciprocation, and I'm sorry that you got caught up in someone else's childhood trauma.
Last reason resonates. The subtle signs were that they started to withdraw from plans and would be abrupt with plans to see each other. Very strong physical intimacy like they were trying to communicate something or would be exiting the earth as we know it. the withdrawal and lack of response activated my anxiousness. I hyper activated and was seeking answers. DA never responded and then blocked me. (We been back nd fourth for several years) it’s done !!!
They push emotions down. Emotions make them feel weak. They often put something like work ahead of the relationship. This pushing down of emotions reduces their bandwidth for dealing with others.
It doesn't matter why your partner can't meet your needs ! Shutting down deactivating give you silent treatment ! Or walking on eggshells getting cheated on be manipulated! Its still fu...n abuse!! Keep walking never look back!!
Being passive aggressive, irritable and pulling away were his subtle and not so subtle clue as he was stressed, overwhelmed and about to end our relationship.
Sounds like my ex too. He didn't use to have a temper when we were first together but near the end he would get angry at me and others for little reasons/issues. Also he smoked more Marijuana than normal like he was using it to numb his emotions and deal with his stress
@@Elysion404you chose not to heal it. Take some responsibility for your actions. You literally destroy peoples lives being in a relationship you shouldn’t be in until you are healed
@@jwhite1559 I love that you just automatically assume that I'm not trying to get better. Maybe you're the one who needs to work on yourself instead of assuming you know everything about someone else.
wow. This is exactly what happened. He started stressing about an imagined threat to his work. I told him Ill be there to support him always but all he did was start to avoid me. I just could not understand why stress about work meant he lost attraction in me (still sounds unfair to me). Anyway his loss. I was an amazing gf to him and ill never go back to that messed up mindset
Omg, I am dealing with the same problem right now. Imaginary work threat is even same 😮. He cut me off so quick and tried coming back. He told me that he got a big raise recently and I noticed the new appliances and upgrades in his home. I guess he was really relieved, when he cut me off 🤷🏻♀️
Well I actually disagree with the 'work' reason given here. Work and finances can REALLY destroy your drive, imagination, it can make you feel like a failure and it can be hard to trust that your partner is really on your side. Oddly enough the opposite thing happened with my DA. I was the one going through a rough job time but that's when she chose to leave. And the thing is you see stories like that all over the internet--like a DA partner leaving when their lover has cancer or something.
A very accurate description. She kept telling me how she 'had a lot on at the moment' without saying what that was, or making any time for me/us, even for a casual meet-up, and even though she'd been very interested in me at first. It was a like a light switch had turned off. I couldn't understand it at the time. Through online research and videos like this, I learned about attachment styles and quickly realised that she is dismissive avoidant (which I don't think she even knew herself, although she was aware that she liked and needed her own space and distance), which helped me to understand her behaviour a lot more, but it hasn't changed our almost non-existent now relationship. It hurts a lot because she was very keen initially.
Yep, my DA ex chased me strong and hard initially. And then suddenly lost interest and disappeared. The only relationship you can have with DA is a transactional, unemotional physical relationship.
I totally agree/understand!! I am going through this right now!!! A total cold radical turn around overnight, I'm an anxious preoccupied & it's so painful/confusing....I honestly don't know if it's deliberate, gaslighting or what!! It doesn't help at all working together every day & I have to hold my head high & keep everything inside!! It feels like he wants his cake & ear it too Avoidants we have to understand, but what about the damage/confusion to the one left?? How do u fix this but unfortunately have no understanding/answers & somehow walk away.....yes he just masks it all....fine in front of everybody else though.... Excruciating for the anxious!!! Nobody is a mind reader!!! 😢😢
Everything seemed to have been going great. No drama, no fighting, just easy. She then turned around things such as me asking when I was going to see her again, and turn them negative. She went cold and the next day she ended it. No explanation, no communication. It’s been a week. She has blocked me entirely off everything. She was so crazy about me, and acted as if I was the best thing that’s happened to her.
Same. Baffling & very hurtful. Still in the waning heartbreak many months on. She left quite an impression. Incredible connection & chemistry, swift break up with no discussion, and now ... silence. I think she may now be seeing someone else. Good luck to him, it's doomed from the start. But these videos help so much. Knowledge is power.
My Ex was everything you pointed out. I tolerated this behavior for far too long. Intimacy, communication and quality of life for me really started to deteriorate over time. Living together became brutally plutonic in nature. I had a tough choice to make after kindy bringing my concerns to her many times. At the end, she was livid and attempted to make me feel "guilty" for wanting her to show up more in our relationship?
@@tjbohmier46 thanks it resonated the part about it becoming platonic, no sex even on holiday I found it so weird! I got out and told him he was an avoidant but he didn't want to heal, they think its you!
Imagine having kids being 10 years married then figuring this out. Only way to get better is for the DA to seek help which is not their strength. Unfortunately divorce is inevitable and kids will carry the burden.
What is wrong woth DAs?? Life comes up and they just run away rather then engage emotionally in a relationship, how do they expect to have healthy relationships of they keep doing this 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Yeah I don't get how they just run from one relationship to the next as soon as things get real and never realize they are the problem. They think because their break ups are so cold and detached and that there "was no drama" and "things just didn't work out" that they just were not with the right person. People don't usually leave good relationships unless there is a reason! Figure it out when you are leaving your tenth good relationship and get therapy.
What we have to remember and i have learnt is from an advoidant its not about the partner its about their emotions to a certain situation that triggers them and takes them over the line out of their comfort zone parameters. They unfortunately always want to run once thats hit to try and protect themselves either by going distant or leaving the RS all together. Also the reasons in most cases to why they want to end, wont make sense and be the first thing tgat they can think of because again they cannot open up and express whats going on in them, I never knew anything about these attachments theory's and i think many on here didn't either until its all too late. We all look back on how we handle things at different stages and think what we said and now we know we handled things the wrong way and triggering our ex DA's into making the situation worse for them ...The saddest part also is these people want love but cant understand why they cant handle it when its put in front of them..Its very sad and hurting for all involved...if that person is your twin flame then and you want to reunite no matter what then you first need to give them space, work on yourself so if and when they are ready and come and find you then your prepared, they also need to be ready to get some therapy work ideally or work with you on themselves or it will all happen over again.. Good luck to you all🙏
And a lot of times they don't even think they are the problem. They think they just haven't found the perfect partner who never makes them feel uncomfortable.
My ex gf of 12 years was like this and never knew it until now. She ran cycles of about 2 years. She broke it off with me after the first year, then a few months later we got back together. Once the honeymoon phase wore off, everything changed. When she had major family issues or stress she would start the love bombing again and the cycle started over. It was pure mental stress all of the time. While I do miss her & we were literally best friends and understood each other, I don't miss walking on constant eggshells, etc. I literally did everything for her to make her life easier and she never gave me the appreciation I deserved. We have a child together as well, so I can;t avoid her completely but cut all contact unless it has something to do with my daughter. I guarantee that eventually I'll be getting a text of "I miss you" but Im not playing this game anymore with her. I'll take the pain now and move forward
Katya is the real deal. I've been working with her at various times over the last year and a half, and she's truly helped me learn how to see myself in an honest and supportive way. These videos are on popular topics but they only scratch the surface of her insight. i can't recommend her enough if you're suffering heartbreak.
Aww. I’m just seeing your comment. Thank you for sharing your experience and what’s felt supportive about our work together. I really enjoy working with you, and am so glad you found me. 💜
Everyone! I can completely vouch for everything Kat is saying because it was entirely my situation. She had so much going on in her life that when I criticized how she was not giving me any time and choosing her busy life with her work and family over me, she blocked me.
This is super helpful to hear after my ex's exact reason for dumping me was, "I'm not attracted to you anymore", after a 5 year long term relationship.
my ex broke up with me outta no where. one day we were planning a road trip together, 2days later she wanted to end the relationship. I had no idea what a D.A. was till I started watching videos and reading and my ex is a classic D.A. She gave me all the signs and hints... I just didn't know it at the time. Going No Contact and giving her space. Hopefully we can reconnect again because I do love her😔
@Harry Crowe yes! I'm sure it's when we discussed meeting each others family. I thought she was ok with it at the time, but after learning about D.A.s. that was a clear mistake on my part
@aristark559 well I really cared about her, if I had known then what I know now then maybe things would be different, who knows. I've moved on, but I still miss her, our laughs our inside jokes, our long walks talking about life
My DA was stressed from working a lot of hours, trying to find a new job, and new place. I didn't realize that me asking her to hangout put more stress on her, and she came up with a reason to leave.
Deal with this up until last week when she dumped me. All of this is her. It’s kind of sad to me because I saw potential but saw a lot of red flags. Her relationship with her kids and family aren’t good and she constantly blamed everyone else for issues happening. She was scared to talk to her boss about issues at work. When I called her out about certain rude behaviors she would say she feels she isn’t good enough. She said this wasn’t going to work and when I tried to call her as this was over text she became angry and said she didn’t wanna talk now. I pushed and asked to talk like two adults and she became angrier and said she was going to bed and we can probably talk the next day. I said well whenever you wanna let yourself be loved and cared for let me know. Haven’t heard from her and I’m doing no contact. This was so helpful because I doubt this would’ve worked because I guess I’m the anxious partner.
My DA long distance boyfriend of 1.5 years, told me everything he was doing as he worked on his project. A work project on his house. This had been going on for the better part of a year. I was understanding and gave him lots of space and time. (We live on opposite coasts of the US) He had all but both feet out of the relationship. I told him that I'm letting him go, be cause he was passively trying to "let me go" for months. I call it the "slow fade". It hurt. BIG time! I was and still am in love with him. He wants to be friends, he says. Lately he has been keeping in touch every so often so I believe he will want to get together. I suggested we celebrate the finishing of the house project. He's thinking about it and left it at: We can discuss it after the holidays and get together if we should decide to do that." I'm hopeful.
I sort of hate that I can empathize with the DA attachment style. I'm AP attachment style. The DA typically does not mean anything personal when they want space. Space is what the DA needs to self regulate when they are overwhelmed. And of course, the AP style typically smothers the DA style, by wanting to spend every minute with them. Independence and space are paramount for the DA attachment style. Anything that threatens their space or independence will trigger their attachment wounds, which is not good. I somehow understand the behavior. I just got broken up with by a DA, but I did not understand attachment styles until now. I am going to reach out in about two months, and see if she will meet up, and try to explain that I understand her needs much clearer now. If she does not want to meet up, oh well.
You’re the most centered balanced comment I’ve read. There’s so much condemnation in these comments. It should be about learning to love each other better. Not sure if I’m DA or AP. But I can empathize with both. I pray for a love that is healing. We all can work on self, but some loves are restorative in truth. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried. And know yourself better and her better! Good luck!
@@jayteeblues Thanks. Investigating further, my ex is actually Fearful Avoidant. There is overlap for sure. But I also figured out that she has a fear of communicating her relationship and emotional needs, and has trouble setting boundaries, and saying no. I had no idea that any of that was going on. In my mind, my ex is a straight up bad ass female warrior that doesn't take shit from anybody. I was violating her boundaries without realizing it, her needs were going unmet for the most part because I didn't know what they were and she wasn't telling me (because she was triggered by the boundary violations that I didn't know about)! I feel sooooo horrible for not catching on. She is hostile at this point, because she had to treat me like a threat (defense mechanism). Not sure if that will wear off so we can talk about this stuff. This girl has touched my life in ways nobody else has. She is something beyond special. A gift from the universe that I did not know how to receive. It is what it is I guess...
@@seanfarley8586 The other day, I was having a conversation discussing “A Love that heals”. Wanting a love that heals and being a love that heals. Not because we are morphing into something that takes us away from our own boundaries or being and honoring ourselves (cuz nothing else works unless we have begun to master that part), but being so whole in our own skins that we can now offer a love that heals to another and hopefully receive that back. You sound like that’s what you are attempting to offer to this lady. I wish you success! She’s a lucky woman. Your heart is in the right place! Be patient with her as you learn more about your style so that you can set appropriate boundaries too. You may yet get the chance to talk with her again and acknowledge that you cross her boundaries unwittingly. She may enjoy your self realization and subsequent trying to repair the damage done. At the same time, you may be demonstrative to her about how she can begin work healing herself so that she is more whole as well. There’s a lot of chatter on here about “lost causes”. I was married to a true Narcissist before so I know a lost cause when I see one. DAs, APs, etc. are not necessarily lost causes. They do need (a bit more in my opinion) a love that desires too be a healing love. One that is patient and very whole itself. These stem from unmet needs early in life, so trusting that need can and will be cheerfully and faithfully met is challenging. Self reliance can turn into secure attachment and healthy vulnerability and dependence in the light of a great love. Keep Up the good work on yourself. You being secure and whole gives her a solid place to see a healthy love. I do hope that she will be able to receive it. If not, You will certainly be better and will draw a lovely love to yourself! Good luck!
Yes, EVERYTHING else comes first for the DA. A partner, in my experience, is always the second priority at best, and often is the last priority. It is a really f***ked up and backwards way of way of being in the world. What this video ought to have mentioned is that the DA will not actually communicate their needs or frustrations, so the two of you can problem solve around it. Instead, they just pull away and leave you dangling, abandoned, or discarded. I would like to see videos like this hold DAs more accountable for their dysfunctional and hurtful behavior instead of just explaining or making excuses for it.
I never knew til a few years ago that i was a DA. We did not choose to be this way. I am currently in a relationship with an anxious avoidant and we have been triggering each other quite a lot lately. He's not one to listen to or have faith in any "relationship counseling mumbo jumbo" but this past weekend we sat down and i showed him some videos of our attachment styles and we had a very lengthy conversation. It felt as if a huge burden was lifted off our shoulders. We have a long way to go but I am confident that we will make it. Not all DA's are ruthless.
What sucks is my DA tried to tell me over and over he had a lot going on Aka was stressed. I kept pushing for him to share what was wrong with me so I could help. That was the worst thing I could have done because it pushed him away
So my indicators were him slightly pulling back (I had know knowledge at this point re DA traits) and me digging. He would instinctively know and ask if I was ok. I’m an AP. He would say I was being silly and that we should just enjoy each other. I realise I couldn’t because his behaviour was CAUSING my AP.
Seems like DAs lose attraction when they feel inadequate instead of you or some trait of yours. 1. Asked to be more emotionally intimate. They will feel like they are a failure. 2. Asked what they are feeling? 3. They feel like they are not good enough in your eyes. 4. Their livelihood is threatened as the relationship is demanding and they can't focus on both. 5. SO puts more stress on them when they are already stressed out.
4) Happened to me TWICE in one year with the same person. Both times he reached out after 4 months of NC. What a pattern! I guess after solving the survival stuff and relief from emotional "burden" of a relatinship, they get ready to try again, full of renewed energy.So frustrating.The first time I was a bit apprehensive but infatuated so I got back with him.The second time I refused the meet-up until further notice-taking my time to healing my wound and anxious style.
Ok, I've watched and listened to this video several times, and there are some part that really ring true. I got a dump-text after 18 months of seeing each other, and it really has done a number on me... I've never felt to dismissed and discarded, by somebody that I would have NEVER thought would do such a thing, and yet... here we are... I think it was the part of this video that talked about # 3, is something that really rang true.... hit quite home.... and has helped me.. .thanks... Tom
I agree with point 4 & 5 .I didnt know about attachment styles and i didnt realise he was stressed and i think I added to his stress without realising! I feel so bad and wished i had known. I take comfort in knowing had I known it would have been different - I'm not a mind reader - unfortunately.
My DA was married for 30 years, and the reasons that that breakup occurred would have broken up the most secure of attachments. So there are DAs who have learned to hang in there, and commit no matter what.
Me, being DA and FA, watching video about what could be the reasons why I might lose attraction in the future relationships to be prepared and think of a strategy to handle them 😃👍
We had most of these in the relationship and at the time i didnt know she was an avoidant. I was completely blindsided by the breakup. Because a secure attached person would not leave someone for those reasons. Of course there were patterns and thats why i figured out her attachment style. Probably the only reason she stayed so long is because i am verry independant as a person and never asked too much of her emotionally. But yes i tried to push her to talk. Her work took over her life and i hated that. And i often criticized her behavior.
Interesting Katya. A lot of what you see and analyze are things I see in the relationship. The stress and the percieved notion that the relationship, despite being very good could somehow interfere with her life is ludicrous. You cannot whoever you are have your cake and eat it too. None of us can. I simply stuck to my feelings with her and said you cannot live in a fantasy world that you emotionally frame. It does not work for anyone. We cannot be together if you believe we are not together and then use fanstasy reasons as to why we are not. Her response has been that we are still together despite the fact that we are apart. I repeat to her that we both are involved in a relationship and that I know she loves me. It doesn't seem to matter in my case what I say to her, she keeps seeing me. If she loses attraction to me then so be it. It is no different than any other type of relationship. Its funny in some ways. If a DA always frames their relationship in their own eyes then if you were ever to marry one, what do they call that. Oh' meet my husband, we are seriously dating now. LOL🤣
After no contact for a couple of months I reached to him to wish him a happy birthday. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was hesitant. He pursued me. I wasn’t too enthusiastic. A week later he said our relationship has run its course and he cannot see us getting romantically involved. That was 2ms ago. I’m doing no contact again. He reached out several times telling me he missed me. I didn’t respond. He sent me a message that he’s deleting me, then made a romantic comment. I miss him terribly. I know I should probably stay away 😢
I think that I have a good anecdote to your last point and request for some deeper understanding of how the other was under stress and was just unable to handle even normal interaction. I may have misinterpreted your question. I was still married at the time, but separated. My Ex's father had died a few months prior. The whole extended family gathered at a big rented home in Chicago for the memorial where we buried him next to my former MnL. Throughout the event, she dismissed me in public repeatedly. She is the poster child of a DA. She was cruel and demeaning. I pushed back and the family began to better-understand the problem. But they were all her family and not mine. We shared a bed, but did not have sex. I was there for her and we cuddled in the same bed each of the 3-4 nights we were there. It was quite sweet and I was OK with this as I wanted her to feel comforted. Yes I grabbed a boob or two ... not like I hadn't for 35 years to that point. Again, we were not yet divorced and I was trying to save the marriage. We have 3 kids together. We all fly back home together and I drive us all back to her home (I was living a town away). I was exhausted and requested to sleep there for the night. First, the minute we land, all of the kids just pile on me. It was a 3 front war that came out of nowhere. They all beat the crap out of me. I was concussed. I'm a great dad and this assault was just crazy. It was like a tornado out of nowhere. We got into bed and before we fell asleep with no intentions of fun; she unloaded on me like I was the worst person on the planet. I did absolutely nothing to warrant this. Just nothing. It was a display of vulnerability overload that ended up hurting me a lot. I'm not sure that I can forgive her for it if she cannot apologize for that moment. I don't have to. It was really bad. It was SO painful. Sean G
All of them, She started to ignore me and never spend a single minute with me, that situation lasted 2 month, and then she left me for the 4th time because I was "annoying"... yeah annoying because I was asking for the bare minimum started to reinforce my boundaries after she hurt me again
As far as the last point I could tell she wanted closeness but was cancelling plans. I acted out in frustration and cussed her and she ghosted me for 2 weeks. I felt horrible in retrospect when I discovered what was going on but she doesn’t communicate well. I kept calling and apologizing finally she has begun to call me and talk and we are supposed to meet up. I think she cares about me as much as I do her it’s just amazingly complicated to fit our pieces together. Maybe someday we get it right.
What I noticed is that in the comments section people, who are not DA usually describe how their relationships with DA partner ended. What's interesting for me is whether someone could share their case of a DA partner (maybe them being a DA) having a relationships with the DA partner and how it went. Because, I'm wondering whether DA would understand the DA better, than the person who's not a DA. I took a test and I'm DA and FA types at 31% each, so I'm curious how it would work. I'm thinking about looking for the relationships in 3 months, so I gather information about how to make them better for both of me and a partner. I consider taking a therapy sessions even if it's costly, because I want to be taught on how to start relationships on good point and how to maintain them, how to make good decisions for both partner and me etc.
I think I can say something. As a DA with a DA things are more relaxed as both are o lot on their own but at a certain moment the glue in the relationship is missing and this will start to create problems and friction. Giving each other the freedom needed does not make a relationship. My DA girlfriend broke up via text while I was on holiday and she had a period with a lot of stress. No explanation, no talk. That was it. So my conclusion of a DA with a DA is, the problems just surface later and slower.
@@madeonwater : This is also my experience after researching this for awhile and talking to a few DAs. I know one who had minimal problems with their DA partner until one fairly minimal issue. The DA partner stonewalled them for months, wouldn't meet up with them or talk to them on the phone etc. They, very understandably, did a lot of damage to the trust in the relationship and the two of them broke up.
Very good analysis ! But communication is vital , if that proves to be very difficult or virtually impossible ( she does not want to go there or can not go there ) what can you do ( anxious ) to save the relation with an dismissive avoidant ?
My ex started pulling away, talking about trips he wanted to take on his own, not saying he was excited to see me. Telling me work was very busy and a lot of stress to handle. Started not planning dates at all, felt seeing each other 2 days a month was fine and that we could see each other more in the summer.... this is after 1 year and 4 months. He went to a music festival without me. I stopped texting as I figured he could reach out to me... why should i chase a man who treats his gf like this? A week later, break up by text from him. No reason stated. I had also recently cried about not being prioritized and hoping for more togetherness
In my case, it seems I wanted her to put more effort into the relationship than she wanted to/ could give. At the end she told me she was unhappy and opted out.
She has a mediocre career she refuses to abandon that still enable her vices and deceptive nature. Being almost 40 and a bartender with no insurance or savings as well as retirement plant is unacceptable to be disapproving of.
I had all of these. Had no idea until it was too late that he was an avoidant. He hurt me horribly and coldly. Never going back. I loved him but i love myswlf more
Hello The last reason you just mention before time: 10.26 of the video is exactly nailing my issue with my partner. Too long to explain here, can I share more by email / PM? Thx
He got written up at work, became stressed, started to become very negative toward everyone and a bit hostile. For him everyone else is to blame so he went silent on me. No break up just silence. It’s been 2 weeks now, not 1 word. Im an empath so I’m not reaching out because of all the negativity coming out of him.
Yes I’m a man I am an anxious attachment style and my ex a woman was dismissive avoidant and gave the excuse that I’d fallen very much for her and she had struggled to give me her time over her 2 children. So ended the relationship.
You asked for signs that mMy DA was stressing... probably not about our relationship (although I thought he was withdrawing and cooling off), but about a list of things - serious surgery, asking his wife for a divorce and getting abused by her, his adult childrens' concerns that he would get taken for half the property by yet another live in girlfriend. All these things were, I think, causing him to become "hunkered down" in his own thoughts, but not necessarily withdrawing from the relationship. The SIGNS I picked up were, forgetting to kiss me when he got home, not saying good morning darling upon awakening, promising a movie date and then not delivering, choosing to watch a TV movie rather than come to bed early before I left to travel away for weeks. He was basically deep in thought, and choosing an action/war movie to turn off his worries. I broke it off with him when he refused to take a day off work to lodge a divorce application. He was likely under a lot of stress because the business was short-staffed and it was all falling on his shoulders. I broke it off because I probably incorrectly perceived that his failure to get the promised divorce papers lodged, indicated he didn't care about our relationship and was choosing to stay married to someone who left many years before.
I did not ask my ex for anything he avoided me alone After breakup he did not go to non contact period!!!he asked to be friends he txt everyday vague conversation
Is it possible for a woman to have had two marriages and her not experience the shut downs/fear because she only thought she loved them. She says that the reason it's manifesting with me is because this is the healthiest relationship she has ever had. I mean... granted I am awesome as f but is what she is claiming even possible. Could she be lying to herself. In fairness we are mid 50s and I have never exhibited anxious behaviors/insecurities until she turned off from hot to cold. in my experience is that signs of infidelity and avoidance behaviors/vibes are identical and that is a mind f.
It sounds like trauma from her past two marriages. Not necessarily related to how well you treat her, but maybe unresolved issues regarding those relationships, plus fear of repeating the pattern. I recommend therapy if she's up for it.
This video is horrible for people that got hurt by Avoidant exes, it reinforces the idea that you did something wrong and that you should have acted differently to not trigger them. I just want to say it to anybody that needs to hear it you are not the problem, it's not about you, they would have left even if you did your best not to trigger them. Avoidants are their own and everybody elses enemies. If they don't communicate their feelings is not up to you to pick up on those subtle cues. If they come back and that is a big IF, then it's up to them to get closer and do the work to get your trust back and build a secure attachment. I even suggest to be as passive as possible if they come back.
I'm tired of listening to how the world revolves around the "avoidants" and we're all to caudle them and walk on egg shells just to be near them. The slightest thing can set off their weird mental processes. This attitude says we're all to give distance and live separated from them off/on because it's all about them. NO! Let them live alone and in isolation since they refuse to get the help they desperately need. And why aren't they being told to get help to function normally by this "coach" and therapist community? I never hear any of you tell them to get help on this platform. We didn't use to analyze everyone's personality in dating world. When did it come to this??
I'm probably DA (prefer the term counterdependent) and this is how it goes: 'I thought you liked me because I'm me, and now you say you feel bad? Not logical. If you're coming at me with all these problems that you have to resolve, maybe you should go do that'. Unfortunately that's when they decide I am the problem. A very sad cycle.
I can see why you prefer the term "counterdependent" as it makes a DA sound nicer than the experience really is. But just like how a DA is not just a really independent person, the term you made up does not accurately describe the process. It's more than just not wanting to be dependent on someone. It's about overreacting to criticism, as you just described in detail. You can be an incredibly independent person and still be able to receive criticism without overreacting and/or blaming the other person because you can't handle their valid complaints. Also, freezing emotionally and wanting to run away instead of working through problems is another DA trait that has nothing to do with independence and everything to do with not having developed interpersonal skills ans conflict management skills.
Hi all….. Update 28/11/22: She found out I’d received my ticket for the works due for Sat 3rd December. She text me saying “I can’t believe your still going! As you don’t talk to me now or sit with me at dinner time. A never replied 01/12/22: She confronted me at work,I said if you really don’t want me to go (After all this time, Saying you want me to ) then I won’t, I’ll just have my money back!! She said she just wanted a good time……. She was a bit abrupt through this confrontation! Kept repeating herself saying she’s happy. Then she wanted to know why i stopped talking to her and sitting with her at dinner: I said because when I picked my clothes up etc and we promised each other a few things and you’d gone back on your word. Sitting with you? Were not a couple anymore and that was your choice… 03/012/22: Works Due I was the last 1 to arrive, She got up and asked if I wanted a drink? And could help her carry drinks with her… Ask we got to the bar,She apologised for how she had acted at work! We had a laugh , Asked me to dance with her. Present: We’ve been communicating better…. I’m hoping she may have that feeling of coming back around! It’s been really cold today, She grabbed my hand and held it out of the blue,She said my hands are freezing. Little more contact recently ( Hello everyone Me (34)and my ex avoidant girlfriend (47 Yr old ) split up on September 12th after 5 years together!! (Work at the same place) Citing lost feelings….Though earlier in the day we’d booked to go on our Christmas works due together?!?! We briefly split at the end of Covid 19 from March 2021 to June 2021.Her Hysterectomy Op has sent her in to early menopause this year , Along with her daughter having mental health problems and her mum been diagnosed with cancer it’s been a tough year for her. ( I’ve been supportive in that time ) Since the breakup: 20/09/2022 Obviously we work at the same place,I’ve been applying no contact since last week ( the split ) , Walked in canteen for my dinner could see her sat at our table with the neck stuck out looking where I was going. As I paid for my food went to eat in the other side,All I could hear was “Luke” luke “ sit here…. I was so confused,but never sat down! Just said I need to off back to work. Gets back to my office which is 5 mins away,pulled my phone out and have a message of her asking if I’m okay?!?! LastNight: Random message sent from her yesterday evening! She works crazy hours (Always has ) , Saying thank you for leaving a gift on her and her coworkers locker. I never answered for an hour or 2! Then bluntly sent to her I haven’t… / She text back straight away Okay no worries I’m confused 22/09/2022 : Bumped in to her at work today she was again been weirdly nice(Asking how I am! What I’m doing at the gym, and telling me she’s not feeling good and she’s on edge all the time. I was like Ohhh 😮 hope you get better. I made out I had to go… 30/09/22: She asked me to come through and pick my clothes up today! She had a coffee waiting for me….Saying I can always pop over to see her and our dog. Mixed signals all over through this 01/10/2022: Changed her status from Relationship to blank / To Single and then back to blank 03/10/22: Got a random message from her this morning: If anyones been asking at work about the breakup? ( As above on Saturday morning she changed her profile to single , But changed it to nothing later ) ( I left my on single since Saturday evening ) Trying to insinuate people will know because my profile is now single , Though people notice she changed hers three times on Saturday. I used NO CONTACT TO THE MESSAGE! She’s then removed the message this afternoon?!?! I’m confused )
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So basically a relationship with them is doomed to failure as all these challenges occur in life
Yes! You hit the nail on the head! Regular life situations they can't handle and they cut off the relationship. They are cursed from the start
FA here, I was dating a DA and noticed red flags throughout the relationship. Stuff that my previous FA/DA exes have done. Made me doubt and question the relationship. We fought a lot. I felt I was treated unfairly because she demanded a lot but wouldn’t follow those same demands herself for me. I noticed when her best friend & only friend moved away, and her work stress took over she broke up with me because we were fighting and it added an extra layer of stress to her life. She said she wanted to be independent & enjoy her new found freedom. It wasn’t long after my break up with another girl and her break up with another man, that we began dating. 6 months in too. So a rebound I would say. But she was emotionally unavailable. One thing I learned from dating DA’s - they never come back. And if they do, it’s for validation and ego no matter if they’re regretting their decision or not. But as an FA, the breakup solidified my greatest fear, abandonment & being unworthy of love. And it felt amazing and relieving even though I didn’t want the breakup. I loved her but knowing that she confirmed my insecurity, I felt better about myself. My previous FA/DA exes all cheated on me & told me I was trash and unworthy of lice. That they were using me to get back with a previous abusive ex or a new partner - even though our relationship wasn’t awful & there were no fights. Everything felt amazing & it felt like I was in love. But DAs and FAs love familiarity which is why they have a phantom ex and that ex even though was a worse partner and might be abusive, is deemed more worthy to an FA/DA.
My take is to move on. You need to embody a secure attachment and bond with another secure attachment. FAs and DAs will never commit because commitment creates vulnerability & that’s a sign of weakness & being unworthy. If you’re vulnerable to a FA and a DA, you are deemed weak. Because they’re see themselves stronger and more independent. Which is why they don’t like putting effort in when they think you should be doing it yourself. I’m an FA because I lean anxious preoccupied but become a DA when I know I’m being punished for doing nothing wrong. It’s part of my depression and I’ve been going to therapy for it.
@@Tom_Ace_US My DA was married for 34 years. So you think a relationship with a DA is doomed?
@@moonlightlady9703 I've heard of these stories...hopefully your DA treated you well in those 34 years.
@@ZhengSW Oh no, you've misunderstood, I met my problematic DA 18 months ago. He was married 30 years and had 3 children. However, I think the dynamic in that relationship was an asymetrical relationship where he called all the shots, and she didn't get her needs met. Not by him anyway. Elsewhere. Gambling, drinking, affairs - that was what broke up their marriage. But easy to say it's "her fault" - I now realise that after the 6 month love-bombing phase, comes the "dismissive" phase, where I felt strangely invisible and unacknowledged, especially when we had other guests in the house.
The DA can sure make a secure person become anxious for sure!
Selfish, completely lacking in empathy, completely lacking in accountability, blame everyone else, entitled, horrible, worthless individuals who absolutely do not deserve anyone giving a shit about them! The worst kind of person to fall in love with!
Dismissive avoidant here, literally just learned about this and now I'm trying to understand my condition so I can break the pattern. Trust me, it's exhausting for us as well.
Which is fine. The Stigma that comes from DA's is simply the way how most relationships play out. For me for example, everything went well as if everything was perfect. My Phantom-Ex was upcoming to me, she told me basically everything about her life and we were even planning on meeting up (Long distance relationships). Suddenly stress came in and she just started to get colder and colder which made me get more anxious because I just wanted to know if there is something for me I could do. There never was anything specific and she never asked me to give her space until it was too much for her and she just completely shut off. I am partly fault yes, but I wasn't expecting the things to play out like this or atleast I wished we could've talked about the problems. 3 months of strong relationship and supporting each other, 1 month then and apparently everything I did (what I did in the beginning) started to piss her off. It's been 4 months now since then since I have heard from her and she just distanced herself more and more, removed me from every possible platform and friendlist possible without any words. The worst part is, she didn't even really broke up with me. She just needed Space, hence why she is my "Phantom-Ex".
@@iBankai1995 I'm sorry. I can't speak for every DA but, it sounds like things were starting to get real and that scared her. That's what happens for me when I deactivate, things get too real and maybe I'm starting to feel vulnerable, which is terrifying. It's a horrible pattern to get stuck in, because it makes you literally shut down and run away from things that could be amazing because it's a trauma response, and the other person is left feeling awful as well because a lot of us can't communicate why we do what we do, it's kinda like a flip gets thrown and even if we really want the relationship, we deactivate.
I've got this mantra that I've kinda been chanting to myself every time I feel myself deactivating from the person I'm seeing right now. "If I can deactivate, then I can reactivate." And I actively try to include him in what is happening inside my head. I've made progress, but it's exhausting and scary.
I hope you find a good, healthy relationship with open communication and reciprocation, and I'm sorry that you got caught up in someone else's childhood trauma.
@@Elysion404That's a good mantra. I hope you are in therapy too. I hear that is helpful.
@@MadisonEstes I am. Have been for a year now.
Last reason resonates. The subtle signs were that they started to withdraw from plans and would be abrupt with plans to see each other. Very strong physical intimacy like they were trying to communicate something or would be exiting the earth as we know it. the withdrawal and lack of response activated my anxiousness. I hyper activated and was seeking answers. DA never responded and then blocked me. (We been back nd fourth for several years) it’s done !!!
They push emotions down. Emotions make them feel weak. They often put something like work ahead of the relationship. This pushing down of emotions reduces their bandwidth for dealing with others.
Thanks for the recap! : )
It’s ironic cause she told me emotions was okay and this and that. Well everything was a lie
It doesn't matter why your partner can't meet your needs ! Shutting down deactivating give you silent treatment ! Or walking on eggshells getting cheated on be manipulated! Its still fu...n abuse!! Keep walking never look back!!
When a D A breaks up they are quick to find a replacement
Being passive aggressive, irritable and pulling away were his subtle and not so subtle clue as he was stressed, overwhelmed and about to end our relationship.
Thanks for letting me know.
Sounds like my ex too.
He didn't use to have a temper when we were first together but near the end he would get angry at me and others for little reasons/issues. Also he smoked more Marijuana than normal like he was using it to numb his emotions and deal with his stress
I think they are pure weakness. There is absolutely no strength in a person like this. I actually think I am right for thinking they are not enough.
Neither are you for condemning someone based on something that was done to us in childhood. We didn't choose this.
@@Elysion404you chose not to heal it. Take some responsibility for your actions. You literally destroy peoples lives being in a relationship you shouldn’t be in until you are healed
@@jwhite1559 I love that you just automatically assume that I'm not trying to get better. Maybe you're the one who needs to work on yourself instead of assuming you know everything about someone else.
@@Elysion404 just pointing at everyone except yourself, LOL. A true avoidant
Blind Break-up! Even more fun than blind dating
wow. This is exactly what happened. He started stressing about an imagined threat to his work. I told him Ill be there to support him always but all he did was start to avoid me. I just could not understand why stress about work meant he lost attraction in me (still sounds unfair to me). Anyway his loss. I was an amazing gf to him and ill never go back to that messed up mindset
Omg, I am dealing with the same problem right now. Imaginary work threat is even same 😮. He cut me off so quick and tried coming back. He told me that he got a big raise recently and I noticed the new appliances and upgrades in his home. I guess he was really relieved, when he cut me off 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like a self esteem issue and wanting to show off to you to get acceptance and validation.
Well I actually disagree with the 'work' reason given here. Work and finances can REALLY destroy your drive, imagination, it can make you feel like a failure and it can be hard to trust that your partner is really on your side. Oddly enough the opposite thing happened with my DA. I was the one going through a rough job time but that's when she chose to leave. And the thing is you see stories like that all over the internet--like a DA partner leaving when their lover has cancer or something.
A very accurate description. She kept telling me how she 'had a lot on at the moment' without saying what that was, or making any time for me/us, even for a casual meet-up, and even though she'd been very interested in me at first. It was a like a light switch had turned off. I couldn't understand it at the time. Through online research and videos like this, I learned about attachment styles and quickly realised that she is dismissive avoidant (which I don't think she even knew herself, although she was aware that she liked and needed her own space and distance), which helped me to understand her behaviour a lot more, but it hasn't changed our almost non-existent now relationship. It hurts a lot because she was very keen initially.
Dismissive avoidants often do come on as keen in the beginning because that's the time where there is the least vulnerability required :)
Yep, my DA ex chased me strong and hard initially. And then suddenly lost interest and disappeared. The only relationship you can have with DA is a transactional, unemotional physical relationship.
I totally agree/understand!! I am going through this right now!!! A total cold radical turn around overnight, I'm an anxious preoccupied & it's so painful/confusing....I honestly don't know if it's deliberate, gaslighting or what!! It doesn't help at all working together every day & I have to hold my head high & keep everything inside!! It feels like he wants his cake & ear it too
Avoidants we have to understand, but what about the damage/confusion to the one left?? How do u fix this but unfortunately have no understanding/answers & somehow walk away.....yes he just masks it all....fine in front of everybody else though....
Excruciating for the anxious!!! Nobody is a mind reader!!! 😢😢
Ditto. Like a light switch. From "I love you" to "I'm not feeling it" within days.
Everything seemed to have been going great. No drama, no fighting, just easy. She then turned around things such as me asking when I was going to see her again, and turn them negative. She went cold and the next day she ended it. No explanation, no communication. It’s been a week. She has blocked me entirely off everything. She was so crazy about me, and acted as if I was the best thing that’s happened to her.
Is her name Janet. Lol
Same.
Same.
Baffling & very hurtful.
Still in the waning heartbreak many months on. She left quite an impression.
Incredible connection & chemistry, swift break up with no discussion, and now ... silence.
I think she may now be seeing someone else. Good luck to him, it's doomed from the start.
But these videos help so much.
Knowledge is power.
@aristark559 9 months out now from a 9-month relationship.
Therein lies the problem my friend, you never fought or had drama so you could never see how they handle conflict with communication
My Ex was everything you pointed out. I tolerated this behavior for far too long. Intimacy, communication and quality of life for me really started to deteriorate over time. Living together became brutally plutonic in nature. I had a tough choice to make after kindy bringing my concerns to her many times. At the end, she was livid and attempted to make me feel "guilty" for wanting her to show up more in our relationship?
Did you know then she was DA?
@@kazao4403 I had no idea what a DA was then. But my gut told me things were not right and likely not going to get better. I wished her the best.
@@tjbohmier46 thanks it resonated the part about it becoming platonic, no sex even on holiday I found it so weird! I got out and told him he was an avoidant but he didn't want to heal, they think its you!
@@kazao4403 everyone has stuff to deal with, but ultimately they have to want to. I hope this is helpful.
Imagine having kids being 10 years married then figuring this out. Only way to get better is for the DA to seek help which is not their strength. Unfortunately divorce is inevitable and kids will carry the burden.
What is wrong woth DAs?? Life comes up and they just run away rather then engage emotionally in a relationship, how do they expect to have healthy relationships of they keep doing this 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
Yeah I don't get how they just run from one relationship to the next as soon as things get real and never realize they are the problem. They think because their break ups are so cold and detached and that there "was no drama" and "things just didn't work out" that they just were not with the right person. People don't usually leave good relationships unless there is a reason! Figure it out when you are leaving your tenth good relationship and get therapy.
What we have to remember and i have learnt is from an advoidant its not about the partner its about their emotions to a certain situation that triggers them and takes them over the line out of their comfort zone parameters. They unfortunately always want to run once thats hit to try and protect themselves either by going distant or leaving the RS all together. Also the reasons in most cases to why they want to end, wont make sense and be the first thing tgat they can think of because again they cannot open up and express whats going on in them, I never knew anything about these attachments theory's and i think many on here didn't either until its all too late. We all look back on how we handle things at different stages and think what we said and now we know we handled things the wrong way and triggering our ex DA's into making the situation worse for them ...The saddest part also is these people want love but cant understand why they cant handle it when its put in front of them..Its very sad and hurting for all involved...if that person is your twin flame then and you want to reunite no matter what then you first need to give them space, work on yourself so if and when they are ready and come and find you then your prepared, they also need to be ready to get some therapy work ideally or work with you on themselves or it will all happen over again..
Good luck to you all🙏
And a lot of times they don't even think they are the problem. They think they just haven't found the perfect partner who never makes them feel uncomfortable.
So basically if you're a good, healthy person you are screwed no matter the case.
It doesn't matter who you are - you're screwed after about 6 months.
My ex was a textbook DA. Everything you said happen. Very accurate.
Thanks for letting me know that this resonated.
My ex gf of 12 years was like this and never knew it until now. She ran cycles of about 2 years. She broke it off with me after the first year, then a few months later we got back together. Once the honeymoon phase wore off, everything changed. When she had major family issues or stress she would start the love bombing again and the cycle started over. It was pure mental stress all of the time. While I do miss her & we were literally best friends and understood each other, I don't miss walking on constant eggshells, etc. I literally did everything for her to make her life easier and she never gave me the appreciation I deserved. We have a child together as well, so I can;t avoid her completely but cut all contact unless it has something to do with my daughter. I guarantee that eventually I'll be getting a text of "I miss you" but Im not playing this game anymore with her. I'll take the pain now and move forward
Katya is the real deal. I've been working with her at various times over the last year and a half, and she's truly helped me learn how to see myself in an honest and supportive way. These videos are on popular topics but they only scratch the surface of her insight. i can't recommend her enough if you're suffering heartbreak.
Aww. I’m just seeing your comment. Thank you for sharing your experience and what’s felt supportive about our work together. I really enjoy working with you, and am so glad you found me. 💜
Everyone! I can completely vouch for everything Kat is saying because it was entirely my situation. She had so much going on in her life that when I criticized how she was not giving me any time and choosing her busy life with her work and family over me, she blocked me.
This is super helpful to hear after my ex's exact reason for dumping me was, "I'm not attracted to you anymore", after a 5 year long term relationship.
She said the same thing to me. Hahaha
Same
Literally was dumped as ex had to focus on study, and everything was too stressful wow
my ex broke up with me outta no where. one day we were planning a road trip together, 2days later she wanted to end the relationship. I had no idea what a D.A. was till I started watching videos and reading and my ex is a classic D.A. She gave me all the signs and hints...
I just didn't know it at the time. Going No Contact and giving her space. Hopefully we can reconnect again because I do love her😔
Did you think back and remember things that you might have said to trigger her?
@Harry Crowe yes! I'm sure it's when we discussed meeting each others family. I thought she was ok with it at the time, but after learning about D.A.s. that was a clear mistake on my part
Trust me you don’t want to pursue. It gets worse with marriage and children. Now my kids are at stake.
@aristark559 well I really cared about her, if I had known then what I know now then maybe things would be different, who knows. I've moved on, but I still miss her, our laughs our inside jokes, our long walks talking about life
Same same
My DA was stressed from working a lot of hours, trying to find a new job, and new place. I didn't realize that me asking her to hangout put more stress on her, and she came up with a reason to leave.
What reason did she give you? Mine was wanting to shut down and losing interest in the relationship.
@@hugorcedeno4394 reason was the age gap, but she didn’t mind it in the beginning
@@hugorcedeno4394 but girls never tell u the truth - u have to figure it out
Deal with this up until last week when she dumped me. All of this is her. It’s kind of sad to me because I saw potential but saw a lot of red flags. Her relationship with her kids and family aren’t good and she constantly blamed everyone else for issues happening. She was scared to talk to her boss about issues at work. When I called her out about certain rude behaviors she would say she feels she isn’t good enough. She said this wasn’t going to work and when I tried to call her as this was over text she became angry and said she didn’t wanna talk now. I pushed and asked to talk like two adults and she became angrier and said she was going to bed and we can probably talk the next day. I said well whenever you wanna let yourself be loved and cared for let me know. Haven’t heard from her and I’m doing no contact. This was so helpful because I doubt this would’ve worked because I guess I’m the anxious partner.
Exactly the same with me
Ma'am this was powerfully and painfully accurate. She hit every single one of these.
It’s just not our job to read between the lines
My DA long distance boyfriend of 1.5 years, told me everything he was doing as he worked on his project. A work project on his house. This had been going on for the better part of a year. I was understanding and gave him lots of space and time. (We live on opposite coasts of the US) He had all but both feet out of the relationship. I told him that I'm letting him go, be cause he was passively trying to "let me go" for months. I call it the "slow fade". It hurt. BIG time! I was and still am in love with him. He wants to be friends, he says. Lately he has been keeping in touch every so often so I believe he will want to get together. I suggested we celebrate the finishing of the house project. He's thinking about it and left it at: We can discuss it after the holidays and get together if we should decide to do that." I'm hopeful.
Any updates?
Don’t waste your time
How is it?
I sort of hate that I can empathize with the DA attachment style. I'm AP attachment style. The DA typically does not mean anything personal when they want space. Space is what the DA needs to self regulate when they are overwhelmed. And of course, the AP style typically smothers the DA style, by wanting to spend every minute with them. Independence and space are paramount for the DA attachment style. Anything that threatens their space or independence will trigger their attachment wounds, which is not good. I somehow understand the behavior. I just got broken up with by a DA, but I did not understand attachment styles until now. I am going to reach out in about two months, and see if she will meet up, and try to explain that I understand her needs much clearer now. If she does not want to meet up, oh well.
You’re the most centered balanced comment I’ve read. There’s so much condemnation in these comments. It should be about learning to love each other better. Not sure if I’m DA or AP. But I can empathize with both. I pray for a love that is healing. We all can work on self, but some loves are restorative in truth. If it doesn’t work out, at least you tried. And know yourself better and her better! Good luck!
@@jayteeblues Thanks. Investigating further, my ex is actually Fearful Avoidant. There is overlap for sure. But I also figured out that she has a fear of communicating her relationship and emotional needs, and has trouble setting boundaries, and saying no. I had no idea that any of that was going on. In my mind, my ex is a straight up bad ass female warrior that doesn't take shit from anybody. I was violating her boundaries without realizing it, her needs were going unmet for the most part because I didn't know what they were and she wasn't telling me (because she was triggered by the boundary violations that I didn't know about)! I feel sooooo horrible for not catching on. She is hostile at this point, because she had to treat me like a threat (defense mechanism). Not sure if that will wear off so we can talk about this stuff. This girl has touched my life in ways nobody else has. She is something beyond special. A gift from the universe that I did not know how to receive. It is what it is I guess...
@@seanfarley8586 The other day, I was having a conversation discussing “A Love that heals”. Wanting a love that heals and being a love that heals. Not because we are morphing into something that takes us away from our own boundaries or being and honoring ourselves (cuz nothing else works unless we have begun to master that part), but being so whole in our own skins that we can now offer a love that heals to another and hopefully receive that back. You sound like that’s what you are attempting to offer to this lady. I wish you success! She’s a lucky woman. Your heart is in the right place! Be patient with her as you learn more about your style so that you can set appropriate boundaries too. You may yet get the chance to talk with her again and acknowledge that you cross her boundaries unwittingly. She may enjoy your self realization and subsequent trying to repair the damage done. At the same time, you may be demonstrative to her about how she can begin work healing herself so that she is more whole as well. There’s a lot of chatter on here about “lost causes”. I was married to a true Narcissist before so I know a lost cause when I see one. DAs, APs, etc. are not necessarily lost causes. They do need (a bit more in my opinion) a love that desires too be a healing love. One that is patient and very whole itself. These stem from unmet needs early in life, so trusting that need can and will be cheerfully and faithfully met is challenging. Self reliance can turn into secure attachment and healthy vulnerability and dependence in the light of a great love. Keep Up the good work on yourself. You being secure and whole gives her a solid place to see a healthy love. I do hope that she will be able to receive it. If not, You will certainly be better and will draw a lovely love to yourself! Good luck!
So work always comes first for a DA?! .. 🤔
Yeah and friends, hobbies, life.. Everything basically. Be prepared to come last 🙄
Yes, EVERYTHING else comes first for the DA. A partner, in my experience, is always the second priority at best, and often is the last priority. It is a really f***ked up and backwards way of way of being in the world.
What this video ought to have mentioned is that the DA will not actually communicate their needs or frustrations, so the two of you can problem solve around it. Instead, they just pull away and leave you dangling, abandoned, or discarded. I would like to see videos like this hold DAs more accountable for their dysfunctional and hurtful behavior instead of just explaining or making excuses for it.
@@DoReMeaCulpa Exactly what my ex girlfriend did .. very painful
@dannywholuv hahahah exactly
I never knew til a few years ago that i was a DA. We did not choose to be this way. I am currently in a relationship with an anxious avoidant and we have been triggering each other quite a lot lately. He's not one to listen to or have faith in any "relationship counseling mumbo jumbo" but this past weekend we sat down and i showed him some videos of our attachment styles and we had a very lengthy conversation. It felt as if a huge burden was lifted off our shoulders. We have a long way to go but I am confident that we will make it. Not all DA's are ruthless.
What sucks is my DA tried to tell me over and over he had a lot going on Aka was stressed. I kept pushing for him to share what was wrong with me so I could help. That was the worst thing I could have done because it pushed him away
So my indicators were him slightly pulling back (I had know knowledge at this point re DA traits) and me digging. He would instinctively know and ask if I was ok. I’m an AP. He would say I was being silly and that we should just enjoy each other. I realise I couldn’t because his behaviour was CAUSING my AP.
Thank you for sharing.
Seems like DAs lose attraction when they feel inadequate instead of you or some trait of yours.
1. Asked to be more emotionally intimate. They will feel like they are a failure.
2. Asked what they are feeling?
3. They feel like they are not good enough in your eyes.
4. Their livelihood is threatened as the relationship is demanding and they can't focus on both.
5. SO puts more stress on them when they are already stressed out.
4) Happened to me TWICE in one year with the same person. Both times he reached out after 4 months of NC. What a pattern! I guess after solving the survival stuff and relief from emotional "burden" of a relatinship, they get ready to try again, full of renewed energy.So frustrating.The first time I was a bit apprehensive but infatuated so I got back with him.The second time I refused the meet-up until further notice-taking my time to healing my wound and anxious style.
Why a D. A would not communicate their feelings with their partner, instead they monkey branch you and moved on.
No contact is the only chance of reattraction, as it provides reset options.
OMG this is so true! And then everything happens all over again.
But the DA loves no contact 🤣. Amd if you're dating one. You should love it too 🤔
Ok, I've watched and listened to this video several times, and there are some part that really ring true. I got a dump-text after 18 months of seeing each other, and it really has done a number on me... I've never felt to dismissed and discarded, by somebody that I would have NEVER thought would do such a thing, and yet... here we are... I think it was the part of this video that talked about # 3, is something that really rang true.... hit quite home.... and has helped me.. .thanks... Tom
I agree with point 4 & 5 .I didnt know about attachment styles and i didnt realise he was stressed and i think I added to his stress without realising!
I feel so bad and wished i had known.
I take comfort in knowing had I known it would have been different - I'm not a mind reader - unfortunately.
True - yes unless you don't speak up I'm not able to know your thoughts. Ty 🙏🙏
My DA was married for 30 years, and the reasons that that breakup occurred would have broken up the most secure of attachments. So there are DAs who have learned to hang in there, and commit no matter what.
Me, being DA and FA, watching video about what could be the reasons why I might lose attraction in the future relationships to be prepared and think of a strategy to handle them 😃👍
Thanks for sharing! Did you find that any of these reasons applied to you?
We had most of these in the relationship and at the time i didnt know she was an avoidant. I was completely blindsided by the breakup. Because a secure attached person would not leave someone for those reasons. Of course there were patterns and thats why i figured out her attachment style. Probably the only reason she stayed so long is because i am verry independant as a person and never asked too much of her emotionally. But yes i tried to push her to talk. Her work took over her life and i hated that. And i often criticized her behavior.
The "starting grad school" thing was the reason i got last night. Brutally accurate.
Woww... So on point. Very accurate. Thanks for sharing this.
Hey! My pleasure. Glad it resonated.
Interesting Katya. A lot of what you see and analyze are things I see in the relationship. The stress and the percieved notion that the relationship, despite being very good could somehow interfere with her life is ludicrous. You cannot whoever you are have your cake and eat it too. None of us can. I simply stuck to my feelings with her and said you cannot live in a fantasy world that you emotionally frame. It does not work for anyone. We cannot be together if you believe we are not together and then use fanstasy reasons as to why we are not. Her response has been that we are still together despite the fact that we are apart. I repeat to her that we both are involved in a relationship and that I know she loves me. It doesn't seem to matter in my case what I say to her, she keeps seeing me. If she loses attraction to me then so be it. It is no different than any other type of relationship. Its funny in some ways. If a DA always frames their relationship in their own eyes then if you were ever to marry one, what do they call that. Oh' meet my husband, we are seriously dating now. LOL🤣
Should I text my FA merry Christmas? Have been in no contact for 35 days by then. Thank you!
DA*
No. Move on
No , move on
After no contact for a couple of months I reached to him to wish him a happy birthday.
He said he loved me and wanted to marry me.
I was hesitant. He pursued me. I wasn’t too enthusiastic. A week later he said our relationship has run its course and he cannot see us getting romantically involved.
That was 2ms ago. I’m doing no contact again. He reached out several times telling me he missed me. I didn’t respond.
He sent me a message that he’s deleting me, then made a romantic comment.
I miss him terribly.
I know I should probably stay away 😢
I think that I have a good anecdote to your last point and request for some deeper understanding of how the other was under stress and was just unable to handle even normal interaction. I may have misinterpreted your question. I was still married at the time, but separated. My Ex's father had died a few months prior. The whole extended family gathered at a big rented home in Chicago for the memorial where we buried him next to my former MnL. Throughout the event, she dismissed me in public repeatedly. She is the poster child of a DA. She was cruel and demeaning. I pushed back and the family began to better-understand the problem. But they were all her family and not mine.
We shared a bed, but did not have sex. I was there for her and we cuddled in the same bed each of the 3-4 nights we were there. It was quite sweet and I was OK with this as I wanted her to feel comforted. Yes I grabbed a boob or two ... not like I hadn't for 35 years to that point. Again, we were not yet divorced and I was trying to save the marriage. We have 3 kids together. We all fly back home together and I drive us all back to her home (I was living a town away). I was exhausted and requested to sleep there for the night. First, the minute we land, all of the kids just pile on me. It was a 3 front war that came out of nowhere. They all beat the crap out of me. I was concussed. I'm a great dad and this assault was just crazy. It was like a tornado out of nowhere.
We got into bed and before we fell asleep with no intentions of fun; she unloaded on me like I was the worst person on the planet. I did absolutely nothing to warrant this. Just nothing. It was a display of vulnerability overload that ended up hurting me a lot. I'm not sure that I can forgive her for it if she cannot apologize for that moment. I don't have to. It was really bad. It was SO painful.
Sean G
All of them, She started to ignore me and never spend a single minute with me, that situation lasted 2 month, and then she left me for the 4th time because I was "annoying"... yeah annoying because I was asking for the bare minimum started to reinforce my boundaries after she hurt me again
As far as the last point I could tell she wanted closeness but was cancelling plans. I acted out in frustration and cussed her and she ghosted me for 2 weeks. I felt horrible in retrospect when I discovered what was going on but she doesn’t communicate well. I kept calling and apologizing finally she has begun to call me and talk and we are supposed to meet up. I think she cares about me as much as I do her it’s just amazingly complicated to fit our pieces together. Maybe someday we get it right.
What I noticed is that in the comments section people, who are not DA usually describe how their relationships with DA partner ended. What's interesting for me is whether someone could share their case of a DA partner (maybe them being a DA) having a relationships with the DA partner and how it went. Because, I'm wondering whether DA would understand the DA better, than the person who's not a DA. I took a test and I'm DA and FA types at 31% each, so I'm curious how it would work. I'm thinking about looking for the relationships in 3 months, so I gather information about how to make them better for both of me and a partner. I consider taking a therapy sessions even if it's costly, because I want to be taught on how to start relationships on good point and how to maintain them, how to make good decisions for both partner and me etc.
That would be interesting to hear in the comment section, I agree.
Very interesting
I think I can say something. As a DA with a DA things are more relaxed as both are o lot on their own but at a certain moment the glue in the relationship is missing and this will start to create problems and friction. Giving each other the freedom needed does not make a relationship. My DA girlfriend broke up via text while I was on holiday and she had a period with a lot of stress. No explanation, no talk. That was it. So my conclusion of a DA with a DA is, the problems just surface later and slower.
@@madeonwater : This is also my experience after researching this for awhile and talking to a few DAs. I know one who had minimal problems with their DA partner until one fairly minimal issue. The DA partner stonewalled them for months, wouldn't meet up with them or talk to them on the phone etc. They, very understandably, did a lot of damage to the trust in the relationship and the two of them broke up.
Very good analysis ! But communication is vital , if that proves to be very difficult or virtually impossible ( she does not want to go there or can not go there ) what can you do ( anxious ) to save the relation with an dismissive avoidant ?
My ex started pulling away, talking about trips he wanted to take on his own, not saying he was excited to see me. Telling me work was very busy and a lot of stress to handle. Started not planning dates at all, felt seeing each other 2 days a month was fine and that we could see each other more in the summer.... this is after 1 year and 4 months. He went to a music festival without me. I stopped texting as I figured he could reach out to me... why should i chase a man who treats his gf like this? A week later, break up by text from him. No reason stated. I had also recently cried about not being prioritized and hoping for more togetherness
In my case, it seems I wanted her to put more effort into the relationship than she wanted to/ could give. At the end she told me she was unhappy and opted out.
She has a mediocre career she refuses to abandon that still enable her vices and deceptive nature. Being almost 40 and a bartender with no insurance or savings as well as retirement plant is unacceptable to be disapproving of.
She is so lucky you are not in her life anymore.
I had all of these. Had no idea until it was too late that he was an avoidant. He hurt me horribly and coldly. Never going back. I loved him but i love myswlf more
Hello
The last reason you just mention before time: 10.26 of the video is exactly nailing my issue with my partner.
Too long to explain here, can I share more by email / PM?
Thx
He got written up at work, became stressed, started to become very negative toward everyone and a bit hostile. For him everyone else is to blame so he went silent on me. No break up just silence. It’s been 2 weeks now, not 1 word. Im an empath so I’m not reaching out because of all the negativity coming out of him.
avoidants are emotionally illiterate
Perimenopause symptoms exacerbated things in my opinion. Super stressed and seemed to be triggering a lot of things.
Yes I’m a man I am an anxious attachment style and my ex a woman was dismissive avoidant and gave the excuse that I’d fallen very much for her and she had struggled to give me her time over her 2 children. So ended the relationship.
You asked for signs that mMy DA was stressing... probably not about our relationship (although I thought he was withdrawing and cooling off), but about a list of things - serious surgery, asking his wife for a divorce and getting abused by her, his adult childrens' concerns that he would get taken for half the property by yet another live in girlfriend. All these things were, I think, causing him to become "hunkered down" in his own thoughts, but not necessarily withdrawing from the relationship. The SIGNS I picked up were, forgetting to kiss me when he got home, not saying good morning darling upon awakening, promising a movie date and then not delivering, choosing to watch a TV movie rather than come to bed early before I left to travel away for weeks. He was basically deep in thought, and choosing an action/war movie to turn off his worries. I broke it off with him when he refused to take a day off work to lodge a divorce application. He was likely under a lot of stress because the business was short-staffed and it was all falling on his shoulders. I broke it off because I probably incorrectly perceived that his failure to get the promised divorce papers lodged, indicated he didn't care about our relationship and was choosing to stay married to someone who left many years before.
I did not ask my ex for anything he avoided me alone
After breakup he did not go to non contact period!!!he asked to be friends he txt everyday vague conversation
Wow this is v accurate esp the job promotion part
i catched it but i also stressed out about that thing that time so it making it worse .
This explains A LOT for Me 🙄
They were less playful. Serious. Dry.
Is it possible for a woman to have had two marriages and her not experience the shut downs/fear because she only thought she loved them. She says that the reason it's manifesting with me is because this is the healthiest relationship she has ever had. I mean... granted I am awesome as f but is what she is claiming even possible. Could she be lying to herself. In fairness we are mid 50s and I have never exhibited anxious behaviors/insecurities until she turned off from hot to cold. in my experience is that signs of infidelity and avoidance behaviors/vibes are identical and that is a mind f.
It sounds like trauma from her past two marriages. Not necessarily related to how well you treat her, but maybe unresolved issues regarding those relationships, plus fear of repeating the pattern. I recommend therapy if she's up for it.
I made most of these mistakes
Her granma was dying, she was ill
They run due to fear or intimacy and rejection; not that they dont find you attractive lol
My ex was stressed out due to her nasty divorced process I did my best to help her but she monkey branch me and move on
Update plz?
This video is horrible for people that got hurt by Avoidant exes, it reinforces the idea that you did something wrong and that you should have acted differently to not trigger them.
I just want to say it to anybody that needs to hear it you are not the problem, it's not about you, they would have left even if you did your best not to trigger them. Avoidants are their own and everybody elses enemies. If they don't communicate their feelings is not up to you to pick up on those subtle cues.
If they come back and that is a big IF, then it's up to them to get closer and do the work to get your trust back and build a secure attachment.
I even suggest to be as passive as possible if they come back.
I'm tired of listening to how the world revolves around the "avoidants" and we're all to caudle them and walk on egg shells just to be near them. The slightest thing can set off their weird mental processes. This attitude says we're all to give distance and live separated from them off/on because it's all about them. NO! Let them live alone and in isolation since they refuse to get the help they desperately need. And why aren't they being told to get help to function normally by this "coach" and therapist community? I never hear any of you tell them to get help on this platform.
We didn't use to analyze everyone's personality in dating world. When did it come to this??
I'm probably DA (prefer the term counterdependent) and this is how it goes: 'I thought you liked me because I'm me, and now you say you feel bad? Not logical. If you're coming at me with all these problems that you have to resolve, maybe you should go do that'. Unfortunately that's when they decide I am the problem. A very sad cycle.
I can see why you prefer the term "counterdependent" as it makes a DA sound nicer than the experience really is. But just like how a DA is not just a really independent person, the term you made up does not accurately describe the process. It's more than just not wanting to be dependent on someone. It's about overreacting to criticism, as you just described in detail. You can be an incredibly independent person and still be able to receive criticism without overreacting and/or blaming the other person because you can't handle their valid complaints. Also, freezing emotionally and wanting to run away instead of working through problems is another DA trait that has nothing to do with independence and everything to do with not having developed interpersonal skills ans conflict management skills.
They dont lose attraction...
Hi all….. Update
28/11/22:
She found out I’d received my ticket for the works due for Sat 3rd December. She text me saying “I can’t believe your still going! As you don’t talk to me now or sit with me at dinner time. A never replied
01/12/22:
She confronted me at work,I said if you really don’t want me to go (After all this time, Saying you want me to ) then I won’t, I’ll just have my money back!! She said she just wanted a good time……. She was a bit abrupt through this confrontation! Kept repeating herself saying she’s happy.
Then she wanted to know why i stopped talking to her and sitting with her at dinner:
I said because when I picked my clothes up etc and we promised each other a few things and you’d gone back on your word.
Sitting with you? Were not a couple anymore and that was your choice…
03/012/22:
Works Due
I was the last 1 to arrive, She got up and asked if I wanted a drink? And could help her carry drinks with her…
Ask we got to the bar,She apologised for how she had acted at work! We had a laugh , Asked me to dance with her.
Present:
We’ve been communicating better….
I’m hoping she may have that feeling of coming back around! It’s been really cold today, She grabbed my hand and held it out of the blue,She said my hands are freezing.
Little more contact recently
( Hello everyone
Me (34)and my ex avoidant girlfriend (47 Yr old ) split up on September 12th after 5 years together!!
(Work at the same place)
Citing lost feelings….Though earlier in the day we’d booked to go on our Christmas works due together?!?!
We briefly split at the end of
Covid 19 from March 2021 to June 2021.Her Hysterectomy Op has sent her in to early menopause this year , Along with her daughter having mental health problems and her mum been diagnosed with cancer it’s been a tough year for her.
( I’ve been supportive in that time )
Since the breakup: 20/09/2022
Obviously we work at the same place,I’ve been applying no contact since last week ( the split ) , Walked in canteen for my dinner could see her sat at our table with the neck stuck out looking where I was going.
As I paid for my food went to eat in the other side,All I could hear was
“Luke” luke “ sit here…. I was so confused,but never sat down! Just said I need to off back to work. Gets back to my office which is 5 mins away,pulled my phone out and have a message of her asking if I’m okay?!?!
LastNight:
Random message sent from her yesterday evening! She works crazy hours (Always has ) , Saying thank you for leaving a gift on her and her coworkers locker. I never answered for an hour or 2! Then bluntly sent to her I haven’t… / She text back straight away
Okay no worries
I’m confused
22/09/2022 :
Bumped in to her at work today she was again been weirdly nice(Asking how I am! What I’m doing at the gym, and telling me she’s not feeling good and she’s on edge all the time. I was like Ohhh 😮 hope you get better. I made out I had to go…
30/09/22:
She asked me to come through and pick my clothes up today! She had a coffee waiting for me….Saying I can always pop over to see her and our dog. Mixed signals all over through this
01/10/2022:
Changed her status from Relationship to blank / To Single and then back to blank
03/10/22:
Got a random message from her this morning:
If anyones been asking at work about the breakup? ( As above on Saturday morning she changed her profile to single , But changed it to nothing later )
( I left my on single since Saturday evening )
Trying to insinuate people will know because my profile is now single , Though people notice she changed hers three times on Saturday.
I used NO CONTACT TO THE MESSAGE!
She’s then removed the message this afternoon?!?!
I’m confused )
It's all very familiar.
Thank you for the updates! It's interesting to know how much she changed after you remained NC
How are things going with you both now?