WHY AVOIDANT ATTACHERS DO NOT FIGHT FOR YOU OR THE RELATIONSHIP
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- Опубликовано: 8 июл 2024
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
The irony here is funny. They fear that being vulnerable is going to be the death of the relationship when IN FACT it's their inability to be vulnerable and consequential disappearing act that directly causes the death of the relationship. What self-respecting person would tolerate this again and again? I am so ashamed that I have put up with it more than once. I just can't do it anymore.
You aren’t alone… I feel the exact same way. You explained this beautifully. Dating them is so painful.
He broke up with me twice, and this time feels so much more permanent, and I'm absolutely devastated.
We were going through some issues but it was mostly due to external stressors, particularly our schedules not lining up well, and he had two jobs he was trying to juggle. I know we could have gotten through it and gotten back on track; he even quit his part-time job just a few weeks before we broke up, saying that we could have more time together, but then he left. I'm just so fucking hurt. And what makes it worse is that I still really love him, but I honestly don't trust him -- All he had to do was stay and try to work through things with me, but he couldn't. Just like the first time. Him leaving is what really broke the trust; it's one thing to have issues and bring them up and see if we can work on them, it's another to just give up and walk away.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too or have dealt with it. I don't understand it anymore than you. I hate that I can't walk away... I don't know how to go from one extreme to the other - in love and talking everyday to nothing. 😞💔
@@jd6331 Im so sorry you are going through this. I can relate…. my bf shuts down but is an emotional void. He was not like that in the beginning.He was open and a best friend in the beginning… then after 4 months, he shut down.
This relationship is insanely lonely. If I don’t break up with him, he will just stay and reap the benefits… and continue to drift away.
I’ve learned the people break up w/ those they love the most.
So Im sorry you are hurting… but we both need to separate and find emotionally healthy people. 🙏🏻
My wife of 12 years is doing the same to me. She's shutting me out and keeping my daughter from me. I'm so close to getting over it. I want to try to work on it for my daughter but I don't know if I can go through this pain for much longer.
@@jd6331your pain is real as is mine
But you dodged a bullet
In time you’ll agree
In time do will I
The more secure we become, the less we will be prone to tolerating abuse and putting up with manipulation and neglect.
I would never work so hard for a man. He’s not really ready? Ok bye forever. That’s why I don’t sleep with them the first year.
Your fighting a losing battle with an avoidant. They will always look for reasons for why it wont work. Full on sabotage of the relationship. They'll only stick around if you have zero expectations of them.
I had zero and still no good. They're nutters really.
@@lizb4156 True. It's emotionally abusive
The Abused Usually Become The Abuser Now Don’t They. Too Bad People Here Have Low Compassion For Avoidants. We Have Been Hurt Deeply & Emotionally. Until We Realize That We Need Help, We Don’t See What We’re Doing To Others.
@theD_avoidant while I liked every single comment above I still value your comment equally and respect anyone willing to heal ❤
@@TheD_Avoidant Please do tell me how to help an avoidant
My cat has avoidant attachment style
this made me laugh.. lightens the mood xD
@@bearifiablepau2095Same😂
Hahahaha thank you for this 🤣
☺️😊
Cats really do….
Dismissing after they tell you they are crazy about you. It feels like insanity and contradiction. Its like being emotional is painful. They won’t acknowledge it and the cycle repeats
& You are beautiful! Best of luck to you
I'm a dude. The cycle repeats because you stick around, lady. We teach others how to treat us in this life, and he sees you as a pretty doormat.
One finds when one leaves and heals, that the relationship was ONE reflection of abandoning oneself. The relationship reflects all the people-pleasing/fawning we have done from childhood. The breadcrumbs are morsels of hope that never manifest. It's not about the person. Even if you are more secure, you may end up experiencing the codependent dance of addiction to the attachment chemicals. We have to take a step back and know that the person is a mirror. We have the accountability to remove ourselves. That's it. That person is free to be avoidant without you. You are free to detach from them to find healing. The toughest lesson is no one owes us a relationship. We owe ourselves to heal and learn love for self.
This message flows 😊
well... except it's not really possible to heal all alone... some things need to be healed in the context of a relationship
Damn how you wrote this just hit home 😭✨frikn awesome and sad that you also dealt with this
I agree. Partnerships mostly uncover our unconscious mind. If we’re focused too much on the other person then we’re unaware of our own experience. We’re also likely unable to experience real intimacy and affection because we’re trying to please the other person or trying to get them to like us.
Your ENTIRE comment!!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
They move like a narcissist. Either way I'm no longer interested 🤷
Avoidants vs narcissists is a weird dynamic.
They are very close to narcissistic traits...😢
deffo very closely linked on tbe spectrum
💯
I seen a video that says the only difference is intent, narcissistic behavior is intentional to teach a lesson or hurt you, avoidant behavior is to protect themselves not hurt you.
You described the incredibly agonizing process I went through with an avoidant ex. I was always in the state of miserable limbo ,
Confused as to where I stood and would he want to see me again after we had wonderful times together.
He’d wait to reach out days, weeks, months sometimes to get together always intermittent communication through only texting.
He’s a workaholic and constantly using that or that he was sick as excuses.
He triggered all of my insecurities, fear of rejection,anxiety, trauma attachment wounds and my moods were regulated by how he made me feel.
The behaviours you described are set in stone. Even those that are self aware and put effort cannot maintain it and often revert back to the default cycle. Trust me, most suffer but if they start changing it's gonna be slow and painful as long as you react.
This is my life.
SAMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
what happened with you guys? how did it end, if it ended?
mine also workaholic that is alcoholic and does.drugs
I’m not going to fight to have anyone’s attention in my life. I’m not going to compete with anyone for the attention of a person who doesn’t choose me.
2Thilosophocl3s You are very smart and you are secure within yourself. I am the same way. I would NEVERRRRRR waste my time fighting to have someone's attention. I don't HAVE to...and I KNOW it. (lol).
I'm with a man who is like this. It's incredibly damaging and I'm having such a difficult time leaving because of those breadcrumbs. The highs are high, the lows are low. I'm on eggshells because of him deactivating and I'm neglecting my needs so they don't shut me out. Eww, right? It's beyond twisted yet I'm here meeting all of his needs, fighting for him, and boosting his ego.
The sad thing is, he will probably dump you eventually. So you not leaving him because of those breadcrumbs could go on for a long time until finally he ends it, and you're left feeling horrible. Have you suggested to him that he talks to a councilor? With help a person can get out of that avoidant attachment style, but it takes time.
Choose your poison
But staying will only delay the inevitable
And you’ll have lost life time
And you’ll resent
Don’t live like that
Take the pain now
Save your future fir realistic dreams
The push pull and the pain
I know it well
I left her
It’s a slow recovery
But I did say recovery
Recover your self
Honor your
SELF
And live will find you
You need to heal your anxious attachment.
I learnt it was because I had a non existent self esteem stemming from how I was treated as a child and what it made me wrongly believe about my worth.
once I started to change my mind about my self esteem, I wasn't at all hooked on crumbs anymore and I felt sad for the little girl who had once had to accept crumbs from people who should have loved her (but couldn't in healthy ways ) and took an interest in the psychology of that.
Bread crumbing and going back is sad, yes
but it is a deeper, more sadder part of a thinking pattern that believes you aren't of value or worth more.
heal this to heal the pattern
Move on. He'll never change unfortunately. You deserve better.
Oh gosh. Not a second spent on feeling it was me. No way. It’s DEFINITELY their problem. They lost the love of their life. They undermined exactly what they wanted. So so so self destructive.
After 5 yrs of beating my head against the wall...
I'm moving on..
Avoidant ppl need to stay single..quit stringing ppl along
and grow up. My guys way of dealing with relationship talks
👉 Stone walling or emojis 👈
Please avoid these types of ppl who obviously have bigger issues than anyone can handle and wont deal with it themselves...
Honestly it feels liberating not
to have to deal with his mutant non sense anymore..
I choose me...
Wow! After 20 years of this madness with an avoidant your stonewalling or emojis comment hit really hard! He would either stonewall me or send a 😞. it’s insanity on every level and it leaves you feeling UNWORTHY unloved, and like they are repulsed by you when you need them the most.
I'm this person. I have given up dating until I work on my own issues.
@@zanzah_Thank goodness.
@zanzah_ Thank you bc it confuses and hurts others deeply
@@Bbrer I agree..and it cuts both ways ..be it with them or without them..
i was like..oooh cuz im still a delicious piece of chocolate cake at the end of the day. whether you throw me out or not. im still cake. everyone loves cake.
I love this!!! ❤❤❤ thank you you tasty piece of cake you 🍰
@@jordanr7290 ❤️❤️❤️🎂🍰🧁
😂😂😂🍰🍰🍰❤❤❤❤❤❤
Everyone loves cake. Avoidants are stale crackers.
*nom nom
That sounds like a narcissist who love bombs the person.Then dismantles the persons mind with abuse.Then proceeds discarding them.
In my personal experience with an avoidant ex, it's not worth the time and effort dealing with someone like this, if they are not willing to fight for you and communicate just let them go, it's hard to let someone you love go, but staying just makes things worse, you will feel anxious, they will never take accountability for the hurt and pain they make you feel and most likely they won't change, so why bother, better to be with somebody else who is going to make effort, or just work on yourself. Because i have called her out multiple times about the stonewalling, gaslighting and how that makes me feel anxious, but she still did it anyways. I understand about the avoidant attachment, but to me my mental health is what matters the most, and after a year and a half fighting for this relationship, studying about attachment styles, doing everything i can to fix her behaviour, turns out it didn't matter because she still does the same thing that hurts me, im officially done, not worth the effort anymore.
Agreed
Good for you mate. Stay strong. It takes real courage to walk away..
I could have written this about my ex, word for word.
‘…doing everything I can to fix her behaviour…’ we can never fix another person’s behaviour.
We can only fix our own behaviour and be understanding of what triggers/ underlies other people’s behaviour. However, that understanding does not mean one should accept negative behaviour if it takes an emotional toll.
Same. I told him several times and still no call, nothing. Just a text here and there to get some energy from me or whatever drives them.
@@sookibeulah9331 Exactly because what's the point of putting myself in their shoes if they are never doing the same in return?
We end up understanding them, considering their world but they don't care how we feel.
They should just have a relationship with themselves period if they choose not to do their healing. Their emotional damage should be billed with interest!
Wether you pull away intentionally or not, you pull away. Whether you have difficulty being vulnerable or not , you are not being vulnerable. You are unavailable for a relationship while taking up space where someone else could be. Wish you growth or maturity. May God help you. I am out.
Why are they victimising so much? It’s all about them in relationship and when you address that, you are the problem because you don’t understand them. They take everything personally and as a criticism. Not in a constructive way. Too much drama.
It depends on how you phrase it, better to use "I" vs "You" statements but either way if theyre still unwilling to change especially after making it clear its causing harm to the other party its best to give up on them and let them fix themselves if they ever want to live in peace. Ultimately as much as we care for others its not our responsibility to fix them, they need to realize its their fault eventually well unless the other party is codependent/anxious then both parties have work to do.
They still take the “i” as their fault somehow
@@elisalin1491 Yup, even with that sugar coated and they still chose to sabotage it just shows theyre not ready for a relationship/being emotionally available.
Most narcs are raised in loveless Marc households of their own
Avoidants are highly sensitive to criticism. Any negative feedback is seen as criticism
Thank you, but it’s hard not to feel like we weren’t good enough…
Work on your self worth in therapy.
“Silence, like a Cancer grows,”….stop acting you’re the cure to his/her Cancer/personality 👉Accept they have an incurable disease👉that can/will be contagious & move on!
🦋
Great video. Dismissive Avoidants have zero self-awareness in my experience..
or awareness of others!
Yes.
All the empathy in the world can’t help someone who is an avoidant who was created by a narcissistic marriage. That shit hurt!
😰
Sounds like the last person I was in a situationship with.
wait digress this sounds like my exact situation
This is so spot on. So sad to feel so close to someone and think that they feel the same and maybe they actually do, but they talk themselves out of the relationship because of their deep insecurities. Mind blowing when they have so much to offer. I’ve been struggling for 3 months to get my own joy, peace and happiness back. I’m
Not sure I’ll ever get back to myself.
Yes you will I promise. It will just take time. It took me almost 5 years but it happened
Yeah. It is spot on and it makes me sad as well, to meet and be with a soul mate and their trauma puls them out. And the tragedy is they don't seek therapy even when they feel and know it :(... We have to grow from this and take it as a painfull gift, learn from it. Next love story will be beautifull, believe that!
I will say this until the cow comes home that Ken has truly enlightened me in this crazy journey. I feel validated and seen and I cannot tell you how important that is when you have found yourself on the break up end with an avoidant. It's rough and so confusing so having Ken has been such a life saver.
I’m a dismissive avoidant and you described me accurately. I had a relationship break up and did not feel guilty for my actions until four years later. I have been getting help and I’m much more aware of my tendencies.
Any chance you reached out to them and let them know your realization? Maybe it doesn’t even matter by now…I would want to know & get acknowledgment, that’s why I’m asking…I’m happy to hear you had a break through…best to you on you journey😊
@@kaffeine69 actually I did! I wrote a letter. It was well received ❤
It’s amazing to hear you own that…not having any guilt until much later but realizing that it was something you needed help for. Gives me hopes. Out of curiosity, was there any particular experience that triggered this awareness for you?
@alex Thanks for having the courage to comment. What is is exactly that makes you do that, like a sudden overwhelming sense of dread and wanting to escape? Curious, because we have to get to the bottom of this, I don't believe people with normal empathy are dropping relationships on purpose, no sense in it
I believe i am also a dismissive avoidant, in my case the trigger was that i didn't want to break up but agreed on it when the person blamed me about something i wasn't involved with and then they matched it with experiences from the past 7 years, mentioning i was never always present in the relationship, where in i started feeling a distance from this person gradually in the past 3 years but thought I'm overthinking because they're the one who accepted me in the start after they proposed, in spite of telling them i already feel i don't deserve their love. @@ashton1952
after 2 years of watching videos about avoidance, this was by far the best content; heartwarming and illuminating, thank you
23 years of losing myself. Thank you for explaining why.
losing yourself also doesn't make it possible for a real relationship to form, because then it's just them, there's so much below the losing yourself. There's a good example in "conscious uncoupling" step 2 or 3 I can't remember which.
@@JSiracusan thank you. I’m tired but much more ok. I’m appreciating another second chance.
I feel for you. 28 for me. ((Hugs))
10 year relationship ended for me when she left without expressing problems before. We are still married even.
@@marlboro9tibike I’m so sorry. There are legal avenues to dissolve the contract in an abandonment situation.
WRT compassion for another’s life story and struggle-I can hurt with you, and I can hurt for you. But when I am being hurt *by* you, it’s time to draw a line.
The most unpredictable person in the room is the one who's wearing the tightest mask-- you can only pretend for so long before you BLOW
I am glad you speak about the probably fakeness of their next relationship, sometimes getting married and having children as advertised on social media. A friend of mine kept telling me of this experiencr twice and I was like: but how do you know that they are really connecting??? 80% if not more of couples I know are NOT intimate in the proper kind of way, communicating their emotions non-violently, asking deep questions etc. They are just living side by side. There is no way in the world that someone who wasn't able to go deep with one or like many people suddenly wakes up and has an intimate experience with the next person. I have never seen this.
Wow thanks for this. My ex who was avoidant and never good at being emotionally available, which made a committed relationship truly impossible, blindsided me with a breakup after adding me as the beneficiary of his life insurance for “when we get married and have kids in 2024.” We were together for two years and had an engagement trip planned for this past Jan. What do you know, he blindsided me for a young coworker and he just posted photos from their January trip. He broke up with me for her, started dating immediately, went on this trip a month later and now are acting like their lives are amazing.
I strongly believe most people are settling in their relationships out of loneliness and convenience and are not partnered with their soul mates.
There's something I just don't understand, and I'm trying to ask this in the nicest way possible because I'm not judging anyone here, but I don't get why anyone would care? I mean, you aren't with this person anymore, and they didn't choose you. What goes on in their next relationship really isn't any of your concern, and I don't understand why anyone would care quite honestly. I mean, let's say that this person is actually able to commit to the individual they're with after you, then all that means is that individual apparently has given them something you couldn't. There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it's nothing to take personally. We can't please everyone, nor can we be everything to everyone and sometimes things just don't work out. But an inability to come to terms with that is the problem here, not whatever you or the other person was lacking in their past and now defunct relationship with you. Or, let's say that the person you were with IS faking their connection with this new individual... What does any of that have to do with you? They aren't your problem anymore, and focusing on what they're doing or not doing doesn't serve you. Again, I'm not saying any of this with any kind of judgement or ill intent, I'm just trying to understand the thought process here because this seems to go against everything I know regarding healthy coping skills and emotional regulation with regards to rejection and disappointment.
@@STARSAPPHIRE91Well obviously you've never been in love, you can't just switch it off.
@@lizb4156 I'm not sure being in love, automatically informs being preoccupied with the sincerity of the relationships your ex has formed after you've broken up, and they've made it clear that they have no intentions on ever committing to you or meeting your needs.
If I could honestly say. If you meet an FA. … RUN. There is absolutely no way they can sustain intimacy. Don’t spend time with them as SOON as you see them deactivate once. Leave them. They are a total ruin of intimacy.
You've been crapping on FA's since like forever. Are you still in denial and calling yourself secure? ;)
@@sunbeam9222 you are stuck in flight and spite. The defensive anger and lash out, blaming others. You can’t self reflect and every single secure person you meet can “see” your incapacity. It’s not up to anyone to cop your lack of insight or abuse. You’re looking for an outside source of your problems in me. And you won’t find it here. You won’t get anywhere by blaming me for your problems. Secure attachment is outside your reach and you sabotage it. Stalking me won’t help you.
@@MellowBellow1 😂😂😂
I appreciate anybody trying to understand and improve themselves better for their loved ones. Best of luck dodging the pitchforks and torches in the comment section.
It took me 6 years to recover from 2.5 months relationship with a fearful avoidant. I was the one to end it but it hurt like nothing I ever experienced because I was always wondering, are they the fragile kind person they pretended to be when love bombing me, or were they the cruEl twisted passive aggressive psycho that showed up whenever the mask slipped? It was the most crazy-making and traumatic experience of my life and I look back at it with complete horror. People, date securely attached and anxious preoccupied and let avoidants date and traumatize each other. Sick beyond belief.
I wouldn’t make blanket statements like that. The extreme end of the AP attachment style can essentially be BPD and even NPD-like behavior, which is hardly a walk in the park. People with a less extreme DA or FA attachment, on the other hand, can be perfectly reasonably healthy individuals. Especially if they’re self-aware and working on their attachment. Also, securely attached people can have plenty of character, personality, mental health, and other issues. They’re just more likely to be well-adjusted. Attachment is just a piece of the pie, albeit important.
Btw, the vulnerable/fragile lovebombing + cruel psycho under the mask sounds less like a FA (let alone DA) attachment and more like a covert narc. Which is arguably the most AP-leaning of narcissistic presentations. If you’re interested, Dr. Ramani has a lot of stuff on the various types and degrees of narcissism, attachment styles in relation to narcissism, relational dynamics, recovery stuff for victims/survivors… I find her content very interesting, so I recommend it.
@@EIizabethGrace Every narc is an avoidant, whilst not every avoidant is a narc.
@@EIizabethGrace 💯💚
@@misspeach3755 I’m not sure I understand why anyone would even think that, tbh. I’m genuinely curious.
I mean, what is a narcissist, subconsciously and at their core? Someone who’s extremely dependent on other people for validation and emotional regulation. Someone who views themselves as fundamentally inadequate and others as fundamentally adequate, and projects all that shame - and, really, virtually all emotions - outward because they feel they’re incapable of processing it themselves without being overwhelmed by them, so it’s other people’s job to deal with them, because they’re able to. Someone who will react with great displays of emotions - including resentment, anger, and rage - to any failure by others to care for their emotion (including providing validation) to what they deem to be the appropriate level, so they can get others to mirror them and vicariously process their emotions through others’ emotional labor.
What about that sounds like a DA? Or like…not the opposite of a DA, and pretty much spot-on an extreme presentation of an AP or extremely anxiously leaning FA attachment? I find the connection between DA and narcissistic really confusing, honestly.
@@EIizabethGraceI don’t think narcissists do view themselves as inadequate. They view everyone else as inadequate and themselves as more than adequate - similar to DAs.
If "getting too close" activates their fear of vulnerability, and causes them to bolt........... Then why would they instantly jump into another relationship, and not bolt, or shutdown with that person? This whole tendency towards making excuses for these punks who pull this type of BS, is getting out of hand. They are soulless hollow little monsters. period.
Not as soulless as codepents. Anyone would do as long as you're getting supply and sympathy from them and have them build a statue for you for being a martyr.
Because a new relationship is a fresh novel dopamine hit, but settling into the real relationship phase means showing who they really are, or rather who they are afraid they are. One reason they might stay with the next person longer is that the new person also avoidant so they can both avoid emotional intimacy for the sake of being together. It's not about making excuses for anyone. It's about understanding them and their motivations enough to realise it was never about you, it was about their own dysfunction and no one can fix these people but themselves. This allows you to get closure and move on with your life, and also avoid similar people in the future.
@@apatheliac I don't know about you........ But my definition of "closure" is one which requires acknowledgement of wrongdoings and physical efforts that demonstrate they understand the amount of stress they chose to cause. This is multifaceted, and nuanced. The list contains, but is not limited to, time spent, moves and plans made, agreements that they never kept their end of, lies told, ect... All of which contributed to levels of personal destress, and overall decline in my health and wellbeing. From a psychological, and physical standpoint, which comes at a price. And he always left before the bill came. So "closure" is a matter of equilibrium in the end. Just as it should have been in the relationship. Reciprocity is give and take on both ends. Not where one person does all the giving, whilst the other takes and takes and drains that person completely, only to see if they could. Whilst they do this kind of DA BS to multiple people that they overlap, and think they should be allowed to behave that way, and not suffer any consequences.
They think this way, because they're avoiding accountability and responsibility the longer they are permitted to do so.
@@9fiveb180 my personal definition of closure is an internal process, it is something you give yourself. Yes it does help when the other person can be the one to help give it to you by explaining themselves, but that is not guaranteed (they might never come around, they might die before they can etc). What happens in that case? You never let yourself feel closure? You can also learn about the disorder, why people generally turn to to be DAs or other kinds of wrong-doers and how they think, get input from others who have been in your shoes/from other avoidants. It's something I had to work through myself with my experience of familial CSA.
I agree wholeheartedly although I will go as far as to say that they are literally.. created by monsters
Thank you sir. I just had my fiancée abruptly end our engagement a few days ago after just a week earlier telling her family I was her soulmate and she couldn’t wait to have kids with me (as a result of taking care of her through a pretty traumatic emergency surgery and recovery). Sadly I’m aware of her avoidant attachment style, and I know deep down she does love me… but I’ve never had the process she goes through explained so succinctly. This has really helped ease my suffering and make sense of something that really doesn’t make sense.
Thank you again for this.
Another way that I have experienced is that they check out emotionally first and then they would simply not be engaged and I assume that’s when he felt the relationship was burden but we are still together and figuring it out day by day ❤
People like this are supremley selfish. I believe it’s partially genetic. People who are avoidants are extremely difficult to be in any type of relationship with… even just regular friendships. I have been in one with someone who is like this and fought very hard for over a decade, and then finally gave it up. It’s not worth the effort, you basically choose this kind of person if you’re a martyr and you like to work really hard. Once you realize what it is, you should just quit. Then, Once you get with somebody who is giving, thoughtful, kind, you will be angry at yourself for wasting as much time as you did on somebody who does not put even 1/10 of the thought into you and your feelings as they do themselves . And at this point, I don’t even care what the etiology of it is, I don’t care anymore, why they are the way they are. I would advise anyone who’s in a relationship with a person like this who’s dating or not yet had to leave immediately it will never be OK and you will never be happy. Anyway, that’s my two cents worth after having been with one.
Managed to put one in a spot she couldn't get out of, it was like pulling teeth. And then she finally boasted (it didn't sound like an apologetic confession at all): I'm selfish. I admit it.
They see selfishness as a virtue even if they have to hide it. The rest, avoidance bla bla, is fluff.
Well put!! TY!
@firefreethok Could be NPD
They are selfish, but they are usually not deliberately trying to be selfish, it's more an outcome due to the beliefs they have about the world. From my experience, my attachment wounds make it so the borders between who I am and another person are fuzzy. When I'm in my trauma it's like I can't see the other person, that they are their own person, they look and feel 2 dimensional, and also kind of feel like an extension of me. If I have low self-esteem, don't love myself, don't care for myself or treat myself well and the other person feels like an extension of me, then it makes sense I'm going to treat them how I treat myself (which is why I don't believe in the golden rule at all times) (also it's not that they are selfish because they care about themselves in a genuine loving way, the object they directing their care and attention is maintaining their fragile ego, trauma and their avoidance of it, genuine relationships to themselves and others take a back seat to this trauma because they can't even conceive that it's possible to be without it because it's 'who they are'). Usually people try to help them how they think they should be helped or maybe even how the avoidant thinks they should be helped, but usually it ends up being completely not what the avoidant person needs at all. They need a therapists and mentors who can guide them, not someone who thinks they can fix them with enough love. You simply cannot be in an equal relationship with someone who is not at a similar level of emotional development as you.
@@apatheliac the point is, (for me) its too much work for very little reaward. It takes a person with their own pathology, such as a martyr or someone who has a need to please others no matter what to tolerate the relationship. For people want to try and have a life, and do other things, it doesnt work bc too much time is spent repairing, figuring, puzzling and being in a push and pull dynamic through the life of the relationship which is exhausting. So maybe in your twenties and early 30s when you still have enough energy to want to save the world, but as you approach 40 you just get tired of it. So, Just say no. Someone else can do it. The avoidant seems immature in relationship matters bc they have too much fear and it just does t seem to progress beyond the limited comfort zone of the avoidant. The constant need for them to be coddled and treated with kid gloves necomes the sole function. And having been in really good relationships, and then one like that, there’s just way too much goodness to miss out on in a connection with another human who can give back instead just needing to be fed. All the good things that come with a connection and give and take are amazing. So for me, to spend your life fighting to get someone just to teach them how to get out of the basics is too sacrificing. Its not personal, and there is someone for everyone as we all have our own pathologies. ❤️🩹💜
Brilliant video and detailed explanation🙏 now I understand my ex. I wish him well. Emotional rollercoaster caused me nearly my life. Never again.
The way you communicated this dynamic of what it feels like to someone in relationship to a dismissive avoidant vs what the attachment style is doing for the avoidant really makes sense to me. Thank you.
Could've said it all in 4 words.
*CONS OUTWEIGH THE PROS*
This is the most well articulated explaination of how the avoidant attacher thinks and behaves. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you so much for this I’ve just been abruptly left by a fearful avoidant no closure he even left everything he owns here and blocked me on everything i love your videos they are helping me so much I’m only 5 weeks in and it physically hurts everyday
I feel for you dear. I went through this and I can finally say I’m getting over my DA. It was so hard because I didn’t understand any of this psychology stuff but now I understand and that has helped me. I meditated a lot with Alpha Wave sounds and that has helped regulate my mind, I now think less and less about him, but I’m not going to lie the fact that they left without explanations is the part that kills me inside. I have hope that someday he will boomerang so that I can at least get a conversation in or some type of explanation because I’m now more understanding of his emotional needs and I won’t be so anxious.
SAME!
Get rid of his stuff, cleanse the space.
Going on three years of this same pain....it gets easier, but it has definitely changed me completely. best wishes
Thank you. Ive learned this :
If dating a DA, they will leave when it suits, eventually, and they rely on you caring and making excuses for them whilst youre being played, albeit subconsciously.
Answer is just enjoy it and dont be deluded that the relationship is something special when it actually means little to them apart from the narcissistic supply they're receiving.
Not entirely true, don’t conflate avoidant attachers with narcs, they are not the same. The avoidant genuinely wants love and intimacy, the narc wants to manipulate and sap your energy. The intensions are different, intensionally malicious vs. childhood trauma, expressed in fear of commitment(abandonment)
Thank you for this so much! I have slipped int such a depression after being discarded by who I thought was the love of my life.
God bless you for calling it abuse...that's what it is even if it's not out of malice. I've spend 4 years in Wonderland..."no room move down!“ nothing makes sense everyone is mad here ( in a relationship with dismissive avoidant)
Why do avoidants even bother other people? Like why not just stay alone and just be avoidant by yourself? Like why pursue romantic or even friendship with other when they know they dont have the bandwidth to be emotionally invested?
Just stay alone, its not that hard.
Yes!!!
Because, ultimately the point is to recognize that, avoidant people are just the opposite polarity of anxious people. All people want the same thing fundamentally, however people have different mechanisms to get it/that, or to cope. When one attempts to think about it "logically" then it doesn't make sense. But, when you consider deeper principles of connection, and the degree to which people are unaware of their own actions (this includes an unawareness of how deeply we are interconnected) their actions make sense.
They don't understand why people want deeper connections. Comparing birds and fish meeting on land has been a great example for me. A fish may swim up to the surface, have a chat with a bird, and the bird may feel completely fulfilled with the depth of that interaction. Yet, the fish has a whole pond, lake, sea, ocean, below them, that the bird cannot fathom. Thus, one leaves feeling satisfied and fulfilled, free to breeze about their life, while the other is dissatisfied and upset.
Each needs perspective, balance, and internal recognition of their identifications with mental and emotional states to not repeat those patterns. It's all just learning from different avenues of life.
It is that hard. Most people crave connection- even if its subconscious. They wither without it. People with avoidant attachment are walking paradoxes- pushing people away and low-key needing them at the same time and their actions reflect that. Staying alone would be as difficult for many avoidants as maintaining a healthy relationship. What they really need is targeted therapy.
Why don't anxious people or people who have low self esteem and drain avoidant people of their energy, why don't they stal alone. Nobody likes someone who can't be away from their partner for a few hours. Stop being emotionally dependent on your partner. It's not healthy or cute. It's annoying
Some do, and they blame/believe it’s because of the other person.
Fearful avoidant attachers should improve and overcome the triggers and be securely attached. To be healthy means you have a lot more to offer. Closing off should be replaced with open communication
You understand the crazy making dynamic. I met someone who finally gets me, but can't be with me because of his avoidant wounds.
It is the most awful feeling.
Thank you for making this video.
It is validation for me. He just can't be with anyone.
"...we don't have emotional issues here, in fact, we don't even know what emotions are..." I was laughing out loud. Thank you sooo much, this first video from you what I am watching now is already HELPING me to release something I thought I would never be able to..... I am super grateful
Thank you for this. It feels validating to hear that dealing with a break up with an avoidant is a mind f@!* and gaslighting. It’s been 3 months since I got coldly discarded from my 2 year relationship and I’m frustrated with myself for not being over it. But it is incredibly difficult. Trying to give myself grace
Absolutely bob on.. this is exactly the scenario I was fighting for 6 years.. I finally had to end it for my sanity, my mental health and my heart..
It was never going to work. Despite all she kept saying, the actions were never the same..
If you are in this situation. Stop. End it, no matter how difficult it feels. You will never fix the situation.. save yourself and move on with your life..
Hi, I think I have an avoidant (most likely dississive) attahement. It literally destroyed my emotional life. One month ago I learned about deactivating strategies. I was multiple years in thetapy, I felt that some of my thoughts were odd, but I never realised what it is. Once the realisation came it was a real shock to me. I was in a crisis and I broke down for 3 weeks. My awareness rose, and I'm in therapy now. I hope I can help myself. The first thing is to deeply accept myself the way I am. When I watched this video I felt deep pain. I don't want to hurt anybody anymore.
That’s a huge step to be in therapy . Great job! I wish you a loving patient kind relationship as i do for all of us :)
they are a waste of your Youth, Money, Opportunities in life like moving a to a different location for a high payng job you turned down while these people are tricking you to thinking you have a future with you. Its simple - they were USING YOU they never liked you. Think about it, if you have someone you felt repulsed with hounding you, you would run too. Avoidants just do it cruelly.
Omg I cancelled a well paid good job bc I think I was not feeling strong or safe. I don't want to think this through bc it's painful realisation. Meanwhile they are running to build their career. They are not looking for love at all.
I read the book called Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It’s great for figuring out your own and your partners style. It’s great info that is what you’re describing in written form. What caught my attention to your channel was your #1 and #2 examples. I dated someone who was a combo of both. It took 2 years of therapy and a lot of work on my own stuff to recover in a healthy manner. Honestly love yourself, have boundaries and use what you learned to move on in a healthy way! I appreciate channels such as yours. Thank you!🙏
The crazy part is after ghosting they reach out months later and continue to sporadically send hi or how are you messages. Even when messages are ignored they keep reaching out. Very bizarre behaviour.
I went through this for five years, this last year I feel I said so much to him as a way to finally end things and put a end to the insanity but now that I have educated myself on the subject and feel secure I have yet to hear from him. It’s been 4 months, I know he’s with someone already but I don’t see it working out for him from what I hear. I wonder if he will ever try after the firewall I put up 😂😂😂
It's because they are lonely. Here is what a lot of people don't understand. An avoidant can still care about you, but they are terrified of the relationship. So they reach out to still have a little bit of connection to you. They miss you but not enough to jump back in to a relationship.
They are still talking to you in their head meanwhile 😂
So, basically having an ongoing relationship 😂 In their head!
Just make him pay next time. Basically make clear, that if you like me - show it. Say what you need, something tangible. Just for getting time with you and chatting or texting - it has to be paid.
Say you need something done with your car and he should pay it. Make him right away pay for your attention or he gets none of it. 😂
Paying for your gym membership... Have some ideas ready.
Makes the person realize that not only he has needs but also YOU as well.
@@TheShamuraja oh hell no lol... If I'm interested in a woman and she's asking for me to buy her stuff? She is gone.
@@Psych1_- I don't think I was talking to you 😁
Or about your case.
Consider what the video was about and also the comment by the woman I responded to.
Solely how to handle a man that wastes your time. Probably there will be no intention in having a normal balanced relationship with that guy, hence my response 😁
Its weird energy. I’m over it. It has me feel like I’m right back with the narcissist ex. And no way do I want that.
I don’t want a project. I still love him but I would not want to be with him.
Excellent! Excellent! Excellent!
I hate to admit that I am one of those avoidant attachers. You have laid me bare. This is something I really needed to hear. Something I needed to understand about myself. It answers SO MANY questions about my past. About my relationships. About myself. The shameful and perplexing ways I dealt with them. Now it makes so much sense. Period.
Thank you .
its very sad. i had one of those. Had a lot of heartbreak early in his life. Afraid of getting hurt but then married women who were obviously not the right choice. So now he just wants to live in the woods by himself. Tis a shame. So all you can do is be kind, dont take it personally, decide if you want to stay friends. Its sad because these people are usually nice quality people who actually dont want to hurt you or feel hurt themselves anymore.
I will always say that broken people break others leave these people alone. Healthy people do not act this way they talk it out work it out.unless they are just bad people. I've had it I don't ever want to meet another. Narcissist and avodent dismissive people need their own island. Leave us healthy people alone. Because love is not suppose to hurt.
They don’t have the capacity to address problems on an emotional level so they just ditch and run. It may leave you in a dark place but imagine that they leave their lives like this. It’s a sad state of mind
What's even more problematic is avoidants make up a large portion of the dating pool -- they recycle through people jumping from one person to the next hoping to find "the one" that will magically solve all their relationship woes. They fail to see they are the common denominator.
@@rupertperiwinkle4477 I think what is more problematic with avoidant people is that these dating apps have them completely in avoidant mode. There is always the ‘alternative’ now , literally in their hands.
@@zazlar4228 Yes agreed. Dating apps are scams playing on peoples hopes but they are really filled with avoidants looking to play with people's hearts so they can fill up their lonely voids. Avoidants are deeply lonely people.
@rupertperiwinkle4477 lord help us all
This is incredible and so spot on. I can’t even tell you how much this meant to me. Thank you for this post. I recently broke-up with someone who is severely avoidant because there was a pattern that at first I thought we’re just distancing moves and later simply became abusive towards me and he couldn’t seem to stop making devaluing comments and making- up any excuse to not spend time with me, it was getting awful. This ex literally did everything possible to make me break up with him. I couldn’t help but start to think about all the devaluing comments and, believe that it was me. This video made me realize that’s not the case. Thank you for helping me understand and feel so much better. The gift of inner peace is beyond measure. Thank you. 💕❤️
I've watched and listened to so many videos on avoidant attachment. This is one of the best! Very informative and healing for those of us who were burned by an avoidant.
This is so accurate! Scenario one for me and everything you said was 100% accurate. I appreciate yiu using the word abuse because quite honestly it is...very damaging to be on the receiving end of this complete turn around. I have been very traumatised and the cognitive dissonance is horrible. It has been 7 months and I am in therapy as a result and am terrified of getting into another relationship. I can't even date anymore because my anxiety is so high. Then to see them actively back to dating within a week if breakup makes me furious that they will repeat this and damage someone else!
The worst bit is still wanting them back....and hoping they change 😅
Totally understand- they hook you well… 3 months for me… still in therapy and I know he is not worthy of me
This is my situation too. Big hugs and prayers to you.
@@angiesmith9293 🤗
What they do with someone else is none of our business. Take care of yourself from this day forward - if it doesn't feel right or good, talk about it, if they're not invested.. leave.
Absolutely agree with this - been through these ‘cycles’ for 3 years and it can destroy you emotionally, when they do it the first time and you don’t know then about attachment theory, it’s a complete shock. The pain is unbearable from missing them but I would advise everyone to just get out and work on your own healing and self care and self love so you don’t get into something like it again. The signs can be there early - avoiding meeting, endless false words that don’t get backed by actions, suddenly leaving then coming back after a few months, they don’t want to lose you but can’t put in any more effort apart from constant texting. Heal yourself to not allow it anymore.
Thank you so much! Very validating and extremely helpful. I just experienced a breakup with an FA, and its been one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life. Everything you said was SPOT ON. Please make more of these. Thank you again 🙏🏾
Bringing me comfort after 15 months of healing after I dealt with two avoidants back to back. I’m disorganised attachment so I identify with this on some level but with them I leaned anxious.
Same here. Last two of mine were with dismissive avoidants. I didnt even know what that was until recently but i lean anxious too. It answers alot of questions but it doesnt hurt any less
I start to believe they have ‘chemistry' with all of their encounters. Most of their partners, long or short lived, are that "wonderful person", crazy chemistry etc. so none feels truly special and thus there’s no fighting necessary. I know, this may come very blunt but it’s probably true.
In many videos you describe the encounter with a FA for instance, being that crazy energy experience. I agree. This is how I felt. So I wonder if there was TRUE chemistry or if that’s just their style?! If I felt it, who says all the other women didn’t?
So if there this magnetic vibe with most of their encounters, it’s normal to them. Whereas for me, this happened only twice in my life (I’m 33). I’ve dated, had boyfriends, loved and been with men I truly liked and cared about - however that chemistry is super rare for me.
If it’s not for them, then there is no reason to fight, bc they know, soon they will feel it again. I think many avoidant partners are also chasing/hard time to get over BECAUSE of that special energy. Bc for us this feeling doesn’t come often (at least for me).
Just an idea, worth debating :)
I've thought this exact thing. My FA ex broke with me twice just as things were getting really good. We were so good together, so I was baffled why she'd leave such a great relationship. Then it got me thinking that maybe all of her relationships are just like ours. Maybe she gets on that well and has that kind of chemistry with everyone she dates.
@@disorder_go yup. But perhaps it’s also just us in the moment trying to make sense?! I think it’s best to just ask them. It just got me thinking bc Ken mentions so often, that with them you have crazy chemistry. So I was like, wait - does that mean it’s not real?! Bc for me it only happened a few times in life. I was in long term relationships with other men, loved them deeply but still the chemistry wasn’t like those two times. One of them was an FA.
@@samiraport I think the chemistry comes from fear and is repelling for people who don't have the same background, in terms of parents who might have also regularly withdrawn themselves. I've had the same thought, that's nothing special for them because they probably often get the same reaction from people. Very sobering thought.
Well, Avoidant individuals including the 2% fearful avoidants are emotionally immature.
This chemistry or the great "Magnetic" feeling is just like children going inside of toy stores, it's something fantastic until you grow up. When you get emotionally mature you can handle your feelings and you don't fall in love with all of the individuals you meet.
All avoidants are emotionally immature and don't understand what's happening because they don't self reflect. When they have entered the toy store it's so wonderful - but after a while the feeling disappears and they leave the toy store ASAP just to enter a new Toy store after a small break. OR they "Monkey branch" in to a toy store with other toys for a while until that feeling disappears again.
When the Avoidants fears get triggered they leave the toy store - They have a fear of being Abandoned.
When this fear gets triggered in their head - in their head they automatically find other excuses without knowing it's a lie - they usually stone wall and discard their partner without remorse (for a while). After a while when their fears goes down - the old good feelings for their partners re-appears.
You choose your partner and your partner chooses you. - Not some magnetic feelings based on childhood trauma.
It's very important to set ut healthy boundries with avoidant partners - and stick to your boundries! Leave them asap if they break them.
I'm asking myself the same. Still tend to think it was special, even for them.
But still, how can someone leave something so special?
Thank you. Together 8 years, engaged. He broke up with me suddenly and with coworker straight after. Split with her, asked to try again at 6 months. A day later said no and accused me of things I hadn’t done. A year later and we have finally separated the end of our stuff. The whole time he still used me for emotional support. I still feel for him so couldn’t say no. God it’s painful.
I'm a dude. If you love him (and you don't have kids), I'd block him and move on. Men respect a woman who draws a SOLID line.
This understanding helps a lot. My ex-gf never stated or implied that i was “not enough” but i could tell that the instant the intimacy increased was the instant she would pull away. Again and again. Your video fills in all the blanks of what is going on “over there”. Thank you!!
When i was with her i came to understand that as soon as things got good the devaluation was coming.
So i learned to just keep things sh*t.
It was an opportunity for understanding myself and my patterns from my shite family.
I like when things are good. That doesnt make you a people pleaser. It makes you a you pleaser.
Same here
That's really sad. Something wrong with her .
I was with my FA for over eight years. She was the most beautiful lady and was super upbeat and charming, a real people-pleaser.
Her biological father left when she was just one-year-old, her mom remarried, and then left to go to rehab when she was five (not sure of this age exactly). Her mom met a guy in rehab, and left her step-dad. The mom moved away with this new guy and left her with her grandparents. Her mom dumped this guy and married a fourth time. Talk about abandonment wounds.
My FA married at 20, and had been in a 25 year marriage with an alcoholic, who verbally abused her. As she had three girls and no income at the time, and couldn’t leave him until the ladies in church set her up with a place to live and a car.
They finally divorced and she met me.
We took it slow, but even still, she and I loved each other right away. I honestly thought the Lord had sent her to me. She was absolutely sweet. She “love bombed” me and I didn’t know what that really meant then Then, after about four years, she suddenly became distant and got mad at me for throwing her a birthday party with the wrong cake and the wrong flowers. What did I know, I’m a guy?
She abruptly broke up with me in a bar, telling me we were incompatible. That made no sense to me… we told each other of our love every day and always, always held hands. She got triggered.
She refused to discuss anything with me, and wouldn’t even come to my car to talk. She came back four months later and loved-bombed me again. She said she realized she wasn’t expressing her needs and apologized to me several times in letters, and told me she would never leave me again. She said she wanted to marry me and asked me for a ring. However, she put off the wedding a few times for various reasons but it was really about her fear of commitment.
Her ex-husband died after we were together about five years, and she was the one who found his body. After some months she became distant and explained she didn’t know why she was grieving him so much. She asked me to be patient with her grief.
We finally got married at the urging of our pre-marital counselor. At our wedding, her youngest told me, “I’ve never seen momma so happy.”
But, on our honeymoon, she began acting distant again. She and her girls had not yet moved into my house, and she began being really controlling and critical of me.
I hardly saw her for three months, then she came over and said, “I can’t do this. I have to take a leap of faith and be on my own. I want to be friends, and co-parent the girls together.”
I said I couldn’t do that.
Subsequently, in texts, she blamed everything on me, and also told people ridiculous things about me. She hid the marriage from almost everyone.
I found out she met with a guy secretly before she left me, and now they are together. It was an immediate rebound.
This has been the hardest thing in my life. It’s been about nine months now, and sometimes I still can’t out of bed in the morning, and she still consumes my thoughts.
My counselor tells me I am in love with the girl she pretended to be, but not the real her. He tells me she is a very wounded person, and if she doesn’t do some real healing, she would always be like this.
I am really having a hard time.
Avoidants are like a dog at the pound that had an abusive previous owner. It will take time, patience, understanding and a lot of love for that dog to open up and become and behave more like a more normal dog. If you win their trust and loyalty, they are fiercely loyal.
They need to feel safe, they often need to learn to communicate properly. Often they stay silent about how they feel for a long time, then they “shut down” later. Sometimes they can try and avoid trauma, emotions and conflict with alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.These patterns can be broken by allowing them to feel safe and by cool, calm communication. These patterns can also become more complex if they become addicts or alcoholics, then other toxic behaviour stems from hiding, justifying and enabling the addiction. Avoidance triggers may trigger binges where they escape reality.
You wil never be able to lie to them, yell at them, gaslight them, play mind games, have double standards, be controlling, verbally, emotionally or physically attack them or overly criticise them, because it triggers previous trauma on a conscious or subconscious level. Once triggered their emotions “shut down”/ close-up, like an oyster or clam closes when you poke the pink soft parts. It takes time for them to feel safe again and to open up emotionally. If you like direct, harsh confrontation, you are not a good match for an avoidant.
Narcissists tend to like avoidants. People with strong narcissistic tendencies can have secure attachment styles based on questionnaires, and tests. Avoidants are not prone to seek power in a relationship through abuse and manipulation, they avoid conflict, fights, etc. They may lash out when cornered.
Avoidant attachment style is more than just an attachment style, it’s a self defence/ coping mechanism learned at a young and vulnerable age, where they were often abused and couldn’t fight back or always run, so they run if they can but they shut off the emotional body to handle the intense emotions associated with the trauma. It’s like a switch that flips once emotional intensity gets too high, usually conflict related.
Being in a relationship with an avoidant requires the avoidant to work on their trauma and triggers, but it will also require their partner to work on their conflict resolution style, be less critical, confrontational and aggressive, watch your tone of voice, etc. Careful sensitive communication is required in a safe space.
If things get heated it helps to practice restraint, take a step away, calm down and return to a calmer discussion. Sometimes texting, email and writing (from a neutral space) can be a “less confrontational” way to get feelings and thoughts across. Insecurely attached people hate this though, taking a step back makes them anxious, which may make them more aggressive in their approach.
Depending on how severely an Avoidant was attacked or hurt during an argument, they may stay emotionally closed up for an hour or a year. They don’t always have control over it. It helps if they know this about themselves and you know it, because then you can wait it out with them or even help coax them out of it. With the right partner some Avoidants can become excellent partners.
Breaking up and getting back together leads to trauma bonding, which can become a toxic pattern, for you and the Avoidant.
Thank you for this. He did this 5 months into the relationship, freaked, out, begged me back and did change until we hit almost 13 years. He stopped being affectionate for 7 years, no intimacy, and all I did was emotionally help him and make excuses for me. I think he was homosexual and in denial. Always so giddy and excited with men. Did a cruel, gaslit discard. I IMMEDIATELY went no contact. After 6 weeks, he started reaching out to try to get back, but ALWAYS through a 3rd party. Never even tried to directly contact me in the 8 months., and I wont even be his friend.
Yeah, we were together for 7 years. I had to end it because she became violent.
She said she didnt know why i was so upset, "it was just a break up".
Really? It was 7 years!
I always thought myself to be the avoident attacher because I'm very nonchalant. But as soon as someone says situationship, I stop listening because I would never just have someone in a "situationship" with me.
This is a blessing, the fact that they're not fighting for the relationship. Cause if they would, they would pull you in easily for more ordeal. If you weren't able to protect yourself from them to begin with, when they decide to go, let them go. They're doing you a favour. You cannot one-sidedly fight for a relationship. It's not how relationships work. You both want to be together or not.
Doesn’t fight doesn’t chase. He waits for me to chase, and has always waited for any other women to chase. He never chases.
This guy knows
OMG this video is so scary in how everything he is saying is exactly how my relationship with my fearful avoidant ex and the subsequent breakup has become. This is the best video on RUclips for me so far! Shoutout to all the other RUclips channels: Craig Kenneth, The Love Chat, etc
Ken, so many of us here learned first-hand about the nightmare of a DA and were thinking it must have just been us. Your insights are SOOOO spot-on and so helpful for perspective and healing.
Why do they even call it a relationship ?
Just when I thought I'd learned everything about about avoidant attachment, I came across this gem. Thank you! I'm sure I'll have to watch it once more.
The avoidant in my life has been in and out of my life for the last 5 years. Everytime he left I would be devastated! Around a year down the road I came across the twin flames concept and I was totally convinced he was my TF and we would end up together one day as long as I did the work and learned to "ignore" the physical world as "we are one soul in spirit". In my desperation for answers, it made so much sense.... all the coming and going, pushing and pulling, silent treatments, he vanishing.... I feel embarrassed now and wonder how I got so trapped in this idea and feel like I have wasted 5 years of my life. Would appreciate if you could make a video on the topic. Thank you so much for your content. I feel that it is bringing me back to reality.
Same here 5 years with someone going through ups and downs and not explaining anything. He gave me false hope all the time to calm me down but nothing ever happened. I supported him emotionally and was patient and I got cut off every year several times until last year I said enough. I told him off and I got blocked from everything. He couldn’t even find the words to fight back what I was saying to him. Im now working on getting myself back to being secure with my emotions and understanding everything about my own personality traits. If anything came out of those five years it was the discovery of my own attachment style and knowing that I can’t let broken people manipulate me emotionally. ❤
I totally relate. I also bought in to the twin flame concept, and I now see it as an extremely destructive trap. I was clinging onto it, and I too now feel not only embarrassed, but also humiliated and almost ashamed for falling into such an enticingly lovely fantasy. I’m still trying to forgive myself and get grounded enough to try again to find true intimacy.
Same here with the TF BS. A year in I learned about TFs. I couldn't explain my intense bond with him and that seemed real for awhile. But, yeah, just no.
Yes. We have all been there. Twin flames is a load of bs. You’ll waste years of your life waiting on someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.
Twin flames is a dangerous concept to rationalize abuse in the push pull sense
Let that idea go
I believed it too
We want to find our soul mate
It’s a human and natural longing
But
A true partner does the work
Doesn’t push away who they love
I wish you a future of healthy secure love
I think I became avoidant after dealing with an avoidant
SUBSCRIBED. This is SPOT ON!!!! Best I’ve seen yet.
This is the best video I’ve seen on this topic so far! Thank you!
I am so glad I found this video. I have experienced the first scenario SO many times. I have about given up hope on ever finding someone who would truly be "into me" and who would fight for me and the relationship. This video helped me to not take the experience of "rejection" personally and to really understand why this avoidant behavior happens. My avoidant ex bf started contacting me on social media after 8 months of no contact. I have not responded to any of his messages. Not willing to put myself in this position ever again. This video was brilliant. Thank you so much.
This was so comforting and validating. Thank you ❤
THANK YOU KEN! ❤
Very high quality content... as always!
All this time I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
54 and today. I learned I'm an anxious attacher.
Thank you for this video that was very eye-opening.
Could you do one on "How avoidant attachment *parents* don't fight for your relationship with them & keep you at arms length" for their adult children? 😢❤❤❤❤
Thank you for this....this was my ex.
OMG the chocolate cake comparison 🤣 two years ago I made my ex chocolate cake for his birthday and left it in front of his door for his birthday…next day I get a message “I’m allergic to cake” and then received a picture of the cake lying in His garbage. Who the fuck does that??? But listening now to you comparing avoidancy to an allergy to chocolate cake made me laugh 😂
That’s beyond typical avoidant behaviour, that’s classic narc
Emotional rejuvenating after a twelve year relationship that ended in 2018.
Six years of dissecting,self reflection, learning attachment personality styles and how the three insecure attachment styles correlate with narcissism (even the pre occupied anxious correlated with borderline personality, which is like a failed narcissist).
It isn’t easy to let reality set in at first because of the cognitive dissonance. A lot of us remember the good in people and think they are passing through a phase.
We second guess ourselves until we’re the pre occupied anxious / borderline personality. We have to learn to be secure first so we can only associate with secure attachment style individuals that are very clear on healthy boundaries and relationships.
As an FA, my "secure" partner was abusive when it came to the bedroom. He expected it and I was to give it to him.. or else I had to hear the constant complaining and irritation he felt towards me. So I gave in. It eventually built resentment in me. Being FA, I wasn't expressing my boundaries. I just did what I thought was expected of me in a marriage. Over time, I felt like a piece of meat to him. Then something happened that he blamed me for (in the bedroom), and all my resentment came up and now he sleeps downstairs. So here I stand after learning about attachment styles and working through my issues, I come to realize that I'm emotionally disconnected from him. I keep facing the fact that our marriage is over and I'm just hanging out, because he fills my need for safety and security, and of course, my children mean the world to me and I don't want to hurt them.
So even secure attachments aren't perfect. They are easier to get along with, but they are human, not perfect partners we should strive for. However, I do agree with you about becoming secure within ourselves - that is everything!
Fairgreen, so true. Basically everyone needs to work on themselves in therapy esp the Borderlines. You can tell from the reply above. BPDs are so defensive.
@@EunMin-yt1xx Nope, just sharing my experience that even people who are in the "secure" spectrum aren't perfect partners either. I didn't know how to set boundaries being FA (not BPD), so I take responsibility for that, but I can't change how I feel just to please someone else. I've done that for too long. People pleasing is another one of our downfalls that we have to correct.
@@aspegel5281 @EunMin-yt1xx everyone’s experience is unique based on their thought processes in the moment. That’s why time is so important and valuable. It is true not all secures or SAs are perfect. Sometimes you no have to ask yourself:
Are they really secure?
Would a secure person do this?
Or
Is the secure person creating healthy boundaries and I’m resisting?
The majority of times, they see more clearly, that doesn’t always mean they are the nicest people. Step back and analyze their perspective also.
This is where self reflection comes in. I’ve been treated badly by a SA but I wasn’t seeing that it was a reaction to my actions I had to learn to take accountability for my part as well.
I had to learn that people’s definitions differ depending on their experiences. Even though it should be clear cut.
Cognitive dissonance really stood in my way and kept me stuck. It took years to see the things I did wrong too and I had to write them down as well so it would make sense.
Writing is a very therapeutic process especially if it is just for your benefit. It forced me to reread what I wrote months or years later to realize I felt so different at that time.
I now realize that I have a clear conscious I took responsibility for my part, I expressed that I acknowledged it and I apologized and then I was able to “move on” without feeling like I may have made the wrong decision.
The difference between moving forward and moving on:
Moving on means you’ve mourned and grieved the past, you’ve learned from it and now you’re free to move on.
Moving forward means you skipped the mourning, grieving, self reflection, taking accountability, so it’s left unfinished.
This is exactly why narcissists never leave you. They don’t ever provide closure because they always want you in congestive dissonance and to have a door open to come back when they’re short of narcissistic supply.
@@aspegel5281 no one is perfect, feelings are not controllable but behaviors are controllable.
We all need to ask ourselves why we are people pleasing it’s not a healthy way to live.
Secure people are people just like everyone else but they are more likely to self reflect, introspect and dissect situations and know when to step away safely. These are qualities the insecure attachments styles struggle with because of cognitive dissonance and being stuck in trauma bonds.
It is possible that your secure partner still needed to work on himself as well.
Keep in mind also that when we become secure we will probably be less tolerant to behaviors that the insecure attachment personalities display also.
I’m looking forward to the day I am no longer entertaining those behavioral patterns.
They are very selfish.
This guy is speaking the gospel. He’s sharing this info with a great balance of science and humanistic relatability. Love it! Keep doing your thing brother!
This video gave me so much peace...Thank you. I needed to hear this.
This is the best description of avoidants and the nuances that I've ever heard. Thank you so very much!!
OMG this was exactly what I needed. This message came at exactly the right time. Thank you ❤
Dude, awesome job hitting the nails on the heads. It's not about us, so fookin true. Bravo on this awesome, extremely helpful video!!
OMG! Thank you so much for this video! It helped me get over a situation that happened to me over a decade ago! You have no idea how much you helped me.
15 minutes in and I’m shocked because i’ve gone through scenarios 1 & 2 including them moving on insanely quickly
Thank you. I’ve been looking for answers last 5 years. And I found some. But you gave me more than others. Really appreciate it.
Big thanks