"HOW TO RECOVER FROM A DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT" with Tawny
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- Опубликовано: 22 июл 2024
- In this live, Tawny and I breakdown the experience of dating a dismissive avoidant and ways to reflect and recover from it.
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Disclaimer: This is NOT a sponsored video. All opinions expressed are wholly my own.
"Healing doesn't really happen until you let go of that hope". That's the truth. Thanks!
Exactly don't be addicted to hope. See the reality.
When you make peace with yourself, you win.
Being discarded is really hard. It’s a year later and my nervous system is still healing. Rationally I’m good, I’m happier and peaceful. And I still have feelings that I wasn’t good enough and he’s all good. It touches a deep wound that comes from childhood for many of us. Never again.
The really hard part is that they can present secure and available, then everything changes but they say nothing and your intuition kicks in but that cognitive dissonance is strong. This makes this brutal. But the key is letting go, truly. The healing begins then. It's a journey for sure.
How would you describe your cognitive dissonance?
What was happening to have you in that dissonance
I'm trying to let go of the hope right now, this is so ugly and I wish I never met him.
Im sorry. I’m there too. It’s so excruciating. 4 years of hoping if I’m clear enough, empathetic enough, patient enough etc.. he would see that I’m genuine and safe for him. He’s left and come back a few times. My fault for allowing it. I’m sick and have changed so much. Everyone has noticed. I’m finally inching my way back, and I’m much better but I will never be the same.
I am recently discarded by saying i need to focus on my career. As if her career was not there past 2 years. I was so supportive, always looked after, no disrespect at all. Now this? Seriously broken like anything. I never faced situation like this where being always there for her will get me nothing at the end. Heart breaking
@@robinlipert1477hope you’re feeling better. I’m here too. Seven years of being patient, trying not to push, desperately trying to always be the cool girl so he wouldn’t run. But after so many years, I started to push for more. More integration, more of a partnership, more of him. I walked away. And he has been coming and going for months. Coming close, telling me he loves me and I’m the love of his life, only for him to shut down and push me back away. It’s torture. I’ve given up hope.
Tawny is spot on! The moment I gave up hope, my true healing process started. Giving up hope is key 🔑. It’s the only way.
I am going through the aftermath of this now. It was short but brutal. This was not my first merry go round with a DA. It does feel like a drug at first but the withdrawal is not worth it. 😢
9 months ago I left my D.A. of 12 years. It doesn't get any better if you don't understand. Hard and so traumatic. Hurts worse than having a baby.
Just went thru a breakup of a 5 yr relationship with a DA female. So much of what is said about these people is so spot on. The breakup was so cold from this person and nothing really bad happened. Its been rough dealing with someone like this. I definetly felt neglected in the relationship and i definetly felt like there was a bait and switch
Its attachment. It hurts because we dont love ourselves enough to choose ourselves over them. Dont choose someone who doesnt choose you. Focus on your own healing and let them go. They’re not that great anyway.
i’m sorry you went thru that. i hope you are feeling better now. my ex was a fearful avoidant, she couldn’t treat me right, but she couldn’t let me go. and i have never felt so intensely about somebody in my life i imagine that’s what being with your soulmate feels like. there was unfaithfulness, and i had to let go AND have the strength to tell her no when she came back. that was hard after 6 months of breaking and letting her back in and a week later having to leave because of her switch ups.
it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced in my entire life. and at 24 i very tragically lost my dad, he passed away. and this shit was 3 times harder than that. first time in my life i actually just wanted to die in my sleep so the pain would end.
not religious but i’m praying for you.
@@Taylor_Frenchiebaby Terrible experience to never go through it again.
Very validating thank you! She wouldn't fully discard so I finally walked. It is a horrible experience. But let me tell those struggling, taking back your power and walking away was and is such a relief and a confidence builder.
The same thing is happening to me. I asked them if they want me to leave and it’s dead quiet. I left anyway to protect myself. Awful experience.
16:20
EXACTLY!! Being their "therapist" is one of our own deeper motives to engage and stay in these wounded dysfunctional relationships - It feels a void in some of us, gives us a sense of meaning and purpose, and also gives us a subconcious way of not dealing with our issues, and focusing on them. Avoiding our own pains.
Once I understood that it was so significant in shifting the focus back to my own issues, seeing the CHOICE I make in picking up very wounded partners.
Pay attention to this aspect ❤
I had to watch this multiple times because it was so validating! Even as someone with all the knowledge that she has, it's still not enough to fix a person. They can only do that for themselves and DA's are so entrenched in their fears.
So entrenched. No matter our skill level, it’s ultimately them who must make the decision and do the work. Which is near impossible as they IGNORE all of it.
At 54 it was the first time I considered marriage! I can totally relate to that ! They stir up tjings you didn’t know existed within you!
This has cleared up so much for me, I genuinely thought that I was the problem and was manipulated into thinking that the reason she chose for us to break up was legitimate. She just chose to detach because of the trauma she experienced as a child. Not like I was perfect during the relationship but she nearly made me completely lose myself thinking that I was not enough.
yes it was so validating!! I did feel like I was set up too. I went nuts, I lost all my confidence and its slowly returning. Its been 6 months. I takes some time.
It def takes time.
I definitely felt set up too. In the beginning it was all the things we’d do in the future - neither of us thought we’d want to marry again but with each other we thought we would…. and then he starts saying things like “well if I’m unhappy in a relationship I just leave” and at that point I was so attached and in love I overlooked the red flags. I didn’t know about attachment styles at the time but did always worry that he was a narcissist. Now I see what the problem was. While I logically know what happened now and it helps to understand, it’s just so hard to detach and not hope for him to have a realization and want to fix himself 😔
Faking future is a huge red flag..
Going along with an avoidants BS is a form of enabling. You are actually helping them get more stuck in their patterns. They need and want tough love and tougher boundaries. They can make it seem like they are weak, helpless, fragile but they can handle it and they will respect you for it even if they don't admit it.
This is true. And like she is saying, you'll get those glimmers of hope where they're learning from you setting boundaries, working with you on this stuff, but you reach a certain depth with this (three years in, in my case), where my boundaries led to such horrendous blow ups and nit picking, even violence. Boundaries often get many of us one result - being discarded.
@@rebecca_stone I'm confused, how did boundary setting look for you? My understanding of boundaries is you set them for yourself, not other people. You tell someone what behaviours you will not tolerate directed at you, and if someone does the behaviour you say 'this has crossed my boundary' and rouse up the discipline to leave the situation yourself. Allowing them to escalate to physical violence doesn't sound like boundaries to me. Not to victim blame, that was a horrible thing to do and you were still abused. But you didn't have strong boundaries for yourself (I do know being with these people distorts your reality metre and make you convince yourself you are doing all the right things).
That's why I think relationships are about trust in yourself, not just others. Will I do what is the right thing by me and leave even if it'll break my heart into one thousand pieces, I'm deathly afraid of being alone, I'll feel immense guilt for 'abandoning' this person.
This is what I meant by tough love and tough boundaries. It doesn't mean staying and giving them a hundred and one chances. Cut the bitch out when they do something you'd say you leave over because you mean what you say, your word is your bond.
I guess playing the soft, therapised boundary game is also what I'd call going along with them. These people are fucked up and your love cannot change them.
@@apatheliac Lol - 'cut the bitch out'. I love that. No, I don't feel victim-blamed, it's OK, you obviously thought your comment through before you wrote it and I can see you understand about the warped reality-meter. The other element of this, is that for those of us who never had a reality-meter in the first place due to a traumatic upbringing with neglectful / abusive / avoidant / co-dependent parenting, these relationship dynamics mirror all we've ever known. There was no healthy modelling until much later, only after we seek out education / therapy after getting into enough crises with this stuff. I'm in my early 40s and have the toolkit of probably a 10-year-old, and that's after several years of therapy and conscientious self-education. Setting boundaries is terrifying when all you ever got for setting them was abandonment, violence or extreme shaming and manipulation. I'm very high-functioning in other areas of life, and so my low skill level on this (boundaries) can frankly be dangerous or at least embarrassing. But it's getting better. Your outline of my mistakes is pretty accurate. In the end, I did get the right result though, which was ending the relationship.
@@rebecca_stone I'm glad you didn't take it in a negative way. It is really unfortunate how many of us aren't blessed to have good modelling. I also didn't have that, which is why being avoidant was my 'normal'. I speak so bluntly of avoidants because I know how twisted I can be, how deep my wounds go, how much control I don't have over myself yet.
I'm in my early 30s and dysfunctional in most areas of my life, my goal now is to stop the hamster wheel and focus on getting better. I feel underdeveloped as a person and it feels very embarrassing to be so completely juvenile, and even then I have come so far from where I started.
You are strong for leaving no matter when you left, thank you for putting yourself first. The world will be a better place when we all learn to do that in a genuine way. Good luck on the rest of your journey.
Great discussion gang. Very succinct. I’m not new to attachment theory but new to this level of depth regarding avoidant attachment. What strikes me most in discussions like this is how we give the avoidant all the credit possible (they can change if they put in years of work, they don’t choose to act this way its a fear based compulsion, etc) yet the end answer 99% of the time is to save yourself by leaving.
While narcissism and avoidants are not the same thing the behavior and end result is.
So true. That’s why giving up that hope is the first key to stepping into the true healing process.
Every narc is a DA, but not every DA is a narc.
@@misspeach3755 I can understand why you’d think this way and if you’re talking about the behaviors and the trauma on the receiving end you are correct.
A narcissist is more likely to have an anxious or disorganized attachment.
What about when they try to come back?!?
@@sugar4973 then you’ll have to make a decision if you’re willing to accept the typically poor treatment an avoidant or highly narcissistic person is going to give you.
I relate so much with Tawny. The setup, the hope, being secure but becoming anxious.
I have to agree, I have learnt so much more about myself from my situationship with my ex DA than anyone else in my life. I discovered attachment theory after our first breakup & found out I am FA lean DA. So many things make sense & I had much more of an understanding on DA but still have no idea on how to communicate with them in a more effective way. I no longer wish yo participate in something where it’s not equal reciprocation.
This has made things feel so much clearer. I would see narcissist videos pop up. And some things kinda fit, but not really. It's nice to know that yes her love was genuine and i am right in that she cares for me.
My feeling on that notion is: Whoop-Dee-Doo, she cares, throw a flipping party lol.. a party without her. but maybe that's just me 😁🥳😭
Thank you for your videos. I’m in a relationship with an Avoidant. I’ve never been so gaslit or hurt in a relationship. We went from looking for a home and then telling me they never want to live without me. . To needing space which I gave. Then conversations about all these things I do that they can’t get over lol. Which is nothing really. Made up crap. Mind bending hurtful like these people should wear a bracelet so we know how dangerous they are. Unreal. I’m on my journey to leave this person. I asked them if they want me to leave and they get quiet. Can’t give me the answer. So we are in limbo. But I’m on my way out. Just waiting until we speak the next time as we are in week 3-4 of taking space and I’m so done. 🎉
Did you wind up breaking up with him?
They are really confident, charming, and impressive, but when they go near their wounding, they can fall apart. They do want the relationship, but as soon as you get closer to the wound, they become triggered in a deep way that is beyond the control of their conscious mind - they really get taken over, hijacked by their fears - it's beyond their control. Yes, you will fall hard, and you are not being led on, they are doing their best in the moment, and the person you meet is actually incredible, because to become who they are they have often had to be incredibly, amazingly strong, and there's something very compelling about that - it's much more attractive than a 'normal' person
I felt those exact things on the receiving end from my ex dismissive avoidant. All what you both said is what I resonate completely on the receiving end.
I filmed a 13 min video apologizing and pleading and crying on Xmas eve 2020 after he deactivated from me on Nov 7 2020. This was our second time around. It hurt the same the first time and 2nd time around.
Thank you for sharing!!! Had to stop myself from moving from voice messages to videos 😢
Avoidants can make anyone act anxious. There will be communication blockages and lies by omission. You'll definately have cognitive dissonance. Everyone has the right to end a relationship.
oh my god. that part where tawny mentioned how you could see right in front of your eyes that you bringing up an issue and them genuinely listening and trying to work it out with you (and it does work)... until it doesn't. until they can't take it anymore. and now you're stuck not knowing to continue believing in this person or not because one day they are down and open and trying their bestest and the connection is thereeee again and the next day its like you're at you're lowest with them.
It was like in a mine field, blindfolded and he sat across this field saying I'm the prize you just have to get me buuuut I'm not going to help.. psychological fcuk up in the head. After 6 years he ghosted, never got closure .deception,other women,
It hurt that it would be ok as long as u dont bring up things, how can that grow?
Now I'm nearly back, but certainly a huge lesson.. deffo gives u the security vibes.. it was so painful.
Hetaught me so much about myself,
Thank you so muchfor this video..
I was told I trusted all my friends and they didn't want to do the same 🤷♂️ .They pushed everyone away, i remember thinking how weird it was that they didnt even know what their brother was doing.
It was the most fucking incredible thing. 3 weeks of pure love. Got presented to all his friends and than puft ! It was gone without a talk. Told me he needed to adapt to me and that he needed space and I left him because this was not what I was looking for. I got really confused until find things about avoidant attachment. Its been 2 weeks that I listen to everything about it and it is exactly what I lived !
Thank you so much for saying that "they present as secure at first ". Mine did that! It was perfect, there was supposed to be a life and family together. Same as you - I never thought I wanted it, but he made me want a family. 3 months in he became like a child. Even a week before the dumping he apologised, took full repsonsibility, admitted I deserve better and that he is hurting me, made a plan on how to regain my trust after having dumped me. Then just BAM . Dumps me. And I have nobody. It's jsut me and my therapist. No friends, no family support.
Tawny, you are telling my story! I have secure attachment style but the anxiety was insane. Ken, thank you for your amazingly helpful channel. ♥
That’s so true about the knowledge piece. I was really struggling with closure because it felt so sudden, and I’d never dealt with this situation before, and it wasn’t until I found your videos Ken and learned about this stuff that I was able to get that closure for myself. ♥️
I had some lightbulb moments thank you. Gosh it’s so fkn hard!
RUclips needs more of this, great video
I felt completely duped and set up too. It's like he arranged to have me break up with him by setting up traps for me to fall into . We had agreed to grow old together and then he blindsided me all of sudden. I think I'm still in shock. This was only 2 weeks ago.
their self sabbotage effects your own life...and can even make one sick, thats when I lieft
I'm going through this exact situation right now. Listening to you two helps shed light on the situation. Nice to know I'm not crazy and others have gone through this. 🙏
Hey Jeff, hope you are finding peace off the back of your situation.
I loved when you said if they wanted to they would..I felt ugly and unloved because he was perfect until.just one day he dismissed our relationship..im.still going through it..I dint fi d tawnys masterclass on confidence..thank you
This was a fantastic talk. To be fair, coming from someone who's Anxious Preoccupied, we also do avoid conflict out because of a core abandonment wound
Thank you for validating all the feelings Im having. I feel that I’ve been set up and strung along. I had a few cycles with him until I realised that I wasn’t the problem. I need to release the hope to truly heal.
Also, it’s so true what Tawny said. I felt overall I was very securely attached and I do still think overall in most situations I am, but it brought up a lot of anxious stuff, and I’m so glad that thanks to this, I was able to see that and heal from it.
I feel like I can resonate so much with this. Holding onto the glimmers of hope. There are some times with my DA where I feel like there are breakthroughs… and I have hope…. Then he goes back to withdrawing and pushing me away. It really eats at my confidence. I feel like I’m living in an alternate reality sometimes and it’s so hard to walk away.
And it comes down to us accepting that the cycle only continues.
I agree hod it’s so hard, but unfortunately you may not have to worry about leaving because they tend to do that before us anyway. 😢
Can I please ask a question, sometimes I feel like we are making excuses for the DA’s when maybe they just weren’t feeling to for us as harsh as that is. I felt a deep connection and I know he did at the time and made me feel like I was insane, but he’s now in arwalfionsup , he got her name tattooed and he’s talking marriage …..I read that and in my head I was like ‘you are so emotionally immature how are these words now coming out of your mouth’ I did define out that it is somewhat toxic but even knowing that he still looks like he is settling down and I think he would not just settle with someone he just wouldn’t so I can’t help but think maybe all of us avoisants and branding these people as DA’s because we can’t face rejection, because he sure as hell got it together for Someone else
For me as an FA, recovering from someone who I think is severely FA, the big eye opener for me here is that Tawny considers herself as having a secure style, and eve she struggled. So those entering with attachment wounds have little to no fighting chance. Only if (a huge IF) the person is determined to heal during the relationship.
If you have a history of an unstable and traumatic childhood, parents with severe avoidance, any kind of attachment trauma and mental illness, it's no surprise these relationships take a person truly under. They are mirroring a lot of our own vulnerabilities too, and that's what makes us forgive them. It's lethal.
I’m on year 4 of this hamster wheel. It’s excruciating.
Thanks so much for your videos- I recently broke off a short relationship with a DA, spent most of the relationship trying to figure out what was going on (thankfully I am now educated about attachment styles- mine is secure), I communicated my needs and boundaries consistently which triggered them but they still stayed which I couldn't figure out either. I definitely experienced that showing consistent care, compassion, vulnerability and communicating openly caused them to withdraw further, as much as this particular person tried to act more secure. Feel mad about the experience because they told me at the beginning that they valued open communication and they were emotionally available- had never heard that before and it's now in the red flag basket. The experience has really shaken my confidence, and I am very grateful for the amazing online food for thought that you have created, thanks so much.
Thank you both soooo much for this conversation. ❤
Tawny has the perfect shaped face.
She is gorgeous!!!
Thank you so much for this video. This information is incredibly helpful for me.
This was so validating for me, thank you so much!
oh thank you so much for this, it is such a helpful video!!!
From Brazil here! Loved this!
This is amazing. So helpful, validating and healing. Thank you both for sharing this important conversation with us. Great content!
EXCELLENT VIDEO!!!!!!!
❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤
WHAT A BIG HELP!!!!!
Thanks for the video! I'm still not entirely sure if he was avoidant or simply not interested?? It was genuinely one of the most painful and confusing experiences I've ever had. We were at a restaurant once, and he took his phone to the toilet with him. I wanted to ask him why, but I didn't want to look controlling. I wish I did now! He was addicted to his phone but would ghost my messages. When I asked him why he did that he said I wasn't as important as his friends and family? I felt so invalidated. I will be watching every video on the channel!
Thank your lucky stars he is gone from your life. What a loser.
If it was confusing, it was an avoidant.
WHOA!!! This apparently what my partner is. I was the one that F’d up in the end, but the description and stories of how they are throughout the relationship and during the breakup process is SO spot on. So much pain!
Loved this. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
Thank you! This has been the most helpful video I have watched. I feel like I am not crazy. This is my exact experience and I can move on from the breakup taking the lessons for my own personal growth 🙏
I Require more. What a beautiful self affirrming statement. I am going to be more bold about my needs. Hope is dead. You are so on point about holding on to hope too long also. Great video ❤❤
I can’t tell you, even though my experience was short and similarly to yours probably one of the most painful relationship break ups (mine was even shorter than 6 weeks) I am SO thankful for the shit it brought to the surface. The sheer amount of healing I was able to do because of this person, like I just can’t be more thankful, even with the extreme pain.
This is so close to what happened with me and mine. I was so ready to spend my life with him. And 12 years was so overwhelming. It still so sad for the whole. I am 55 and just learning the grief of being the one to leave. But that is what he wanted. And made me feel like it was me. I cry everyday. Hope you all hug yourself for having to go through this. I just lost hope for him. The hope of loving me was there and still there. Just not going to happen.
This was so incredibly validating! Thank you so much for making this video. Letting go of hope has been my Achilles heel. You said it usually takes 3-5 years of trauma-based therapy for a DA to reach secure attachment. Are you aware of including other methods of treatment such as EMDR, somatic work, or even plant-based medicine journeys speeding up that process?
Homeopathic medicine helps... but if the person doesn't do the internal work and has self awareness nothing will change. Also they need time alone and off the dating market.
Yeah, that was a hectic experience but I've learned that if you really take the time to feel it all and reflect on everything that happened and what got triggered in you, it's honestly like doing the most thorough reconstructive surgery on your self-esteem. It hit basically all of my lingering insecurities. This makes me very sad too because I've already grown so much through it all, and we're talking a something that didn't nearly reach the stage of labels, like he was a healing person for me but I know that he's still in the same place because he just didn't have the capacity to process it like that, at least not yet. I hope he finds his healing person eventually too in whatever form and takes the time to change things so he can be happy as well.
Yeah, dating an avoidant is confusing. I think for me it comes down to, i should have believed her when she said she wasn't good enough for me. I was put on this pedestal and nothing i said or did changed that. Everytime i brought something up, she told me she couldn't live up to my expectations. She's a crappy girlfriend. I shpuld have listened. My expectations were not even that high. If i look back i can't understand why i was ok with the breadcrumbs for so long. I think us anxious avoidants all have a saviour complex, we want to help this person and then expect their effort and loyalty in return. Guess i was in my own fairytale. Looking forward to the growth that comes from this, 6 years has to at least give me that.
Wow, Tawny, it’s like you’re reading from my script! (From my last break up) Just wow.
I notice you said about your own experience the person told you they were looking for someone who had things more put together. I had a similar thing said to me as a reason but it was a total projection because my person had a chaotic life and was unemployed while I was working but had disrupted my life in order to be with him. I wonder if this comes from the avoidant wanting to be with someone very grounded and focussed on their own life and maybe actually also avoidant in the way they relate, so that they don't start to feel like they have to be responsible for their partner in any way. Maybe they equate their partner wanting togetherness or emotional connection with a sign that they are lost in life and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I had a lot of shaming projections put onto me about being dependent, which weren't true and at the same time he once asked me if he could sort out my life by finding me friends and a job, both of which I already had of my own. It was very weird and controlling.
Yes, absolutely. When me and my DA got back together, I tried to have a serious conversation about why he broke up with me in the first place. He said something he had never said before, he told me it was because I didn't own my own house (I was 28 years old at the time and renting). I was so shocked that this was such an important thing to him. I wonder if he wanted me to buy my own house so there would be less pressure to live together... We are over again for good this time.
That's interesting. It's really strange reasoning for breaking up with someone. It also feels judgemental and intrusive on their part, and contradictory. Like on the one hand they want their space, but on the other they want to dictate how you should be living your life if you want to be with them. This is a kind of approach to relationships that I'm really incompatible with, I find it crazy-making and controlling even. I hope that you are feeling well and healing the ending. @@anniiKn
If it wasn't the house it would be something else. And since when did young women purchase houses unless they work in corporate banking or their parents are guarantors on the mortgage. Utter nonsense. He is a clown 🤡
@@jessicahitchens6926right like ugh
Mine got me pregnant (playing with my bc) on purpose and than when our daughter was born he was there and I’ve been doing everything for her since than. Please don’t let them trap you please good thing I’m ex military so I can take care of her alone but please save your selves because I hate him and have to look at him for a long time
I was pretty fine in the beginning. It only started to really hurt later.
I mean blocked me on everything.
Spot on 100% All of it is what ive gone through and going through without exception. There needs to be a DSM-V classification for this.
Yes the damage is actually worse than narcissistic abuse or cluster B PD abuse
I have a Q, I dated an Aviodant (6 month) that worked on himself (admited that he is afraid cus it becaomes srious) it did bacame better until we had an amotional fight were I cryed in. Anyhow, day after he spoke to his freind and broke up from me saying my reaction was too much for him. After a month I so him again in the dating app this time he wrote that he is looking for a long- term and open for children. And found a new girlfreind and deleted the app. I am so hurt... did I make the "Job" for the new girl? Cus Now he knows how to behave, after he had the exprience with me....😔
Thanks! I’ve found value in this channel and better understanding attachment styles! But there is also a tendency to stereotype and create huge rifts between “types” of People. Attachment styles are already an oversimplification of a massive number of human beings … 20-30% of the population??? And anyone can vacillate between attachment strategies based on the challenges they face (anxious, avoidant, etc).
It’s so important to remember above all else that we are all human. We aren’t our type and we aren’t our style. And we have more in common than we will ever have in contrast! Focusing on differences can help us understand each other but can also increase cancel culture and decrease empathy. It can convince us that interacting with power who are different isn’t worthwhile, which can be regressive for the individual and society.
Archetypes, personality types, attachment styles etc are useful tools for understanding motivation and behavior - but that is 100% ego. It’s not WHO you are.
And lastly, we heal together - in relationship. So understanding how to relate is critical, rather than just canceling or avoiding avoidants 🤣
How long does it take to recover the lost confidence and the self esteem that just gets eroded away over the months and years of that constant feeling of not being enough?
Try doing daily affirmations like: “I am enough” or “I am worthy enough” or “I deserve love and compassion” for 21 days minimum. You’ll feel better quicker 😇
How to get closure with a avoidant do you send them a message wish you well or just walk away
No just give up initiating and they won't reach out
This is facts.
I walked away and never returning
🎯💯
❤❤
Where is tawnys masterclass
It makes me sadder that you say they really loved us.
I still don't know if it's actually true in my case. By the way I was abandoned I don't think so
@@skromnyasha I was simply ghosted, there was no discussion. He had done that before for a week at a time or more and said afterwards that I knew him, knew he was there for me, he just needed time to think. I said how on earth would I know you'd be back? That makes no sense I said. This is when I thought I was talking to someone who wanted to actually communicate and I told him that the silent treatment, the disappearing, was so very painful, basically abusive, but he did it again and again until the last time and I just let it go. I needed emotional connection, and he was incapable of it. On the flip side he was so attentive at the beginning and we laughed so very much, had so much fun but it faded very quickly for him, he was pulling away about six month in while I thought we were building something. He blurted out one day, in a random, so sincere way, that he loved me so much, it was sooo touching. I thought it meant something, but it didn't. Such weird, mind bending behaviour. The silent treatment shows immaturity, a complete disrespect and lack of caring. The difference of opinion we had were few and far between and so minor, but he called them fights, they weren't. He could not tolerate the slightest disagreement. That can't be love. I know he's broken, sad inside, was abused, but he refused therapy even after being told at his work he lacks empathy. So I think you're right. And I should have let him go the first time he stonewalled. That's not love.
I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️
I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️
I guess it doesn’t matter, and doesn’t count for much whether true or not. Truly their loss, loss of a good life with a caring partner. Sorry you went through this too ❤️
I stood up to my Dimissive Avoidant and he was so angry of me to tge piont that he locked me on everything. Will I ever here of him again. It has been almost 2 months.
Of course you will 😅 DA always come back but usually with a lame excuse to talk to you that has nothing to do with your relationship. Just hang in there. Don’t lose your hope!
@@20misscherry That's the exact opposite of a key point of advice given in the video above. They said you need to lose hope in order to properly move on and heal.
@@20misscherry
They will come back, and the cycle will repeat itself all.over again, unless they work on healing...and your pain will continue😢
There’s a decent chance this person will reach out-probably at least a 50/50 chance in my experience-but as others have said, the likelihood that this DA will have done the work of reflection is basically nonexistent. You will simply cycle through the same mess. Cut your losses and move on. It DOES get better. Much, much better.
You are conflating a true Dismissive Avoidant with just a garden variety narcissist.
How to recover from a DA:
1. Realise you are a fearful avoidant or anxious-preoccupied.
2. Get therapy. Learn to soothe yourself.
3. Extinguish your tendencies to codependency and BPD.
4. Realise the DA was actually a person in their own right and not something put there to meet your whims.
5. Realise the DA is not a DA at all, just has male communication behaviour. Learn male communication.
First of all, I find that women cheat 10 times more than men! I thought this video was great until she said if men would just work on their attachment style! My dismissive avoidant act was definitely female along with every other avoidant ex I’ve ever dated. They’ve all cheated. They’ve all lied none of the friends I’ve known as guys growing up in a male dominated field. My entire life have ever cheated on their partners, women are allergic to accountability
Just Thank you!!!!