It's hard to trust people in general after dealing with an avoidant who was full of "mystery" and kept many secrets about themselves. The lies upon lies and the shut downs and the things they'd say to make you think they were believable. When all they were was full of crap. These avoidants are very insecure in themselves,but will blame their partners instead.
@@blessedbee186 Which won't last either. Deep down inside they are very lonely people just seeking connections and validation that they are "good enough". But their behaviours prove otherwise.
If you created a safe space to express needs and fears, maybe you’d find that somewhere in the middle was best - My hindsight, my failed relationship with my beloved avoidant, we were terrible with communication, we both campaigned for what each if us wanted and anything else was a threat to our own needs… both parties, if they love and respect each other, will listen to the others needs and WILL WANT to find common ground. This is where our attachment can really skew our perception, I loved her with all my little anxious heart(too much, right) and I respected her… but my defensiveness over differences in needs overode all that. I needed more of her, she felt smothered… I didn’t care, I wanted my needs. Blame, it isn’t a good word. I smothered my avoidant and made her my world… no one deserves that pressure, of course she should have communicated her fears and needs better, maybe a heads-up before walking breaking up and walking would’ve been nice too. I’m trying to say that no one should fit perfect, because we aren’t perfect and relationships certainly are never perfect.
@@norswil8763 I do not think it's fruitful to place blame on others, including securely attached folks, for the intimacy issues the avoidant has that likely stems for his/her childhood trauma(s). You can create the safest space - give eons of space - it is still the responsibility of the avoidant person to sort out their issues. No one can help them but themselves, and a good therapist
My self-doubt is often "Would the relationship have still ended if I had started the relationship as the secure person I am now?" And in my case, the answer is that it would've ended *sooner* because I would've put my foot down about her bullshit sooner and never let things get that bad in the first place.
The feeling of being with the most perfect person who makes you feel utterly worthless about yourself, is truly a heartbreaking experience. Especially when you have fallen in love with them and care about them. You are left with no choice but to either harden yourself against them, or destroy yourself emotionally. It’s terrible.
Its the most heartbreaking thing i've ever been through in my life. You know how they turned up in the beginning is part of them, its IN THERE somewhere. But unless they confront their fears and heal that's never going to come back and all they will be is what they are towards the end of the relationship. In the end you know you love them and they love you, but you just can't be in a relationship with them. How they turned up at first totally spoiled everything, you just know you'll never find a connection as magical as that was. I am over them, but the good memories will forever be burned into my mind.
The more heartbreaking thing is those 'things' are more often than not a projection of their own insecurities, if not minor issues that could have been resolved if they just communicated instead of keeping it all in because of the fear of rejection. Even when you ask them, their alexithymia literally causes them to lock up. I literally witnessed mine physically freeze up and unable to express what she was feeling deep down, then made some superficial unrelated comment. It is sheer mindfuckery how an adult that seems totally well adjusted on the surface can have the emotional development stuck at their formative childhood years. I have seen videos of 3-5 year olds with a better ability to express their feelings than mine. Yet, she always claim that 'I am a very deep person', referring to the gamut of emotions she feels at the subconscious level and unable to verbalise or express them. The pain and fear of self reflection keeps their emotional capacity stunted.
That was extremely helpful! My ex told me (after ghosting me for four months) that we aren’t compatible because I wanted to talk about the relationship „all the time“ and he would have preferred to talk about other things and that we weren’t that close after all (after before telling me that we are soulmates and that he enjoys being with me AND using me to vent about his job and needing my advise on numerous things on a regular basis). I criticize myself a lot for having been too needy…. With the help of that video I managed to calm my inner critic down by asking him the question: would I have kept trying to talk about the relationship had my partner even once been open to and really engaged with me in such a conversation? And as a response I got… silence. What a relief that gave me….🙏
Whar an absolute assh. His poor behavior is not your fault at all. More rhan once I met people incl new 'friends' who would talk about soulmate then soon their arrogance and disrespect showed up. They have issue's or need to dominate and will add pain in our lives.
They will find any reason to avoid ur love. They r too broken and know they can never b what anyone w emotions needs. They save themselves the failure and end it.
He threw our beautiful relationship away and has come back multiple times saying he misses me…that’s how you know you weren’t the problem! Every time he comes back he ghosts again. It’s exhausting. Hope he learns a good thing is worth fighting for
Mine did that. They all do that. And nothing changes. The cycle will equal indifference. Also don't think they aren't with others between you. They are.
What's worse? When you don't get anything from them in the way of what happened. Just "you're so wonderful, I don't think I can be in a relationship." and you are like, what? We've been in one for 3 years! You never said one thing, we were happy, affectionate, laughed, and enjoyed our time together. We lived together. And you are just reeling and you ask to work on it and they say "nope, nothing we can do." It is the most difficult and disregulating place to be in.
My exs excuse was he realised I looked and sounded like his previous ex and he no longer had feelings for me, 2 days beforehe was telling me he loved me....took him 3 years to notice??? 😅 I went through so much rumination it is hell.
@@Growwithgrace101 they will come up with ANYTHING to rationalise their fear into something that looks like a legit reason to leave the relationship when they deactivate. And they will flawfind and nitpick you to death. None of it is true and we know it.
Each word is spot on. This is exactly what I'm dealing with and I keep doubting myself. Then looking back at the facts. Then gaslighting myself. It's a painful cycle. I'm not perfect but surely he could have communicated his needs and seeing if I met them, before breaking up. Not just assumed that I couldn't meet them. He didn't even give me a chance.
Exactly! Breaking up without even trying to contribute to the relationship is extremely painful for the one left behind. Makes you feel like you weren’t worth any effort. I feel you…. It’s also very healing to read the stories of other ppl experiencing very similar dynamics. We can’t all be the crazy ones, can’t we?😬
The only thing that bothers me he always told me I gave him confidence, the only person that would really listen to him, that he always felt the need to protect me, and he would have a hard time if he ever lost me. I'm not perfect, but I know I treated him really well. At the breakup his words were extremely painful, completely rewrote history of our relationship. He can't truly be himself around his family and friends but he treats them so well. What bothers me, he treats them perfect, but the person who was there for him unconditionally, didnt judge and loved him for who he was, he could just discard and say really hurtfull things to. It makes no sense to me.
I feel your pain. All I did was show love and affection to my ex. He said he'd never felt so much love before. I got used to be breadcrumbed in the relationship. Only to be cruelly discarded over spilling a cup of tea. He shouted and said really hurtful things. Told me to take my possessions out of his place. I drove home in tears. 2 years and planning to get married this year. I believe he's back with his toxic avoident ex 😢
@@beaker7353 Over a cup of tea?? Obviously, he was just searching from some absurd excuse! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Terrible way to treat someone!
Mine COMPLETELY rewrote history of the relationship, too! He told flat-out, incredible LIES about what went on! I couldn't even believe it, was stunned.
Amazing video .. helped me to understand why I got broken up with no communication and no explanation after being engaged to him . Was a massive shock but I’m trying to stay strong and focus on myself . I have nothing to say to him now .. if he can leave me without a backwards glance then I am better off alone ❤
If more of us sad, anxious peeps were more honest… we’d take accountability for our part in the dynamic, not to excuse avoidants, but to admit that the push-pull happens and our anxious thinking and reactionary behaviour really is the fuel on the fire. We feed our avoidant partners if we’re not attuned and aware of what’s happening, this is often why the suddenness is so… sudden. They struggle to voice fears and needs, if I had known my avoidant ex was holding onto her worries in fear of conflict or abandonment I would have worked at creating that safe space for her, alleviating that compounding pressure. Not to mention our tendency to give unbalanced love and freak out when the same ridiculous levels aren’t returned in an ideal way… only opening the door to the full bag of damaging anxious behaviours, trying to pull them closer, over compensating the love we give, putting them so high on the pedestal, abandoning ourselves, controlling of their time, if they invest energy elsewhere jealousy might creep in. We too have a lot to answer for. Just because the behaviours are considered less directly damaging, and typically it’s the avoidant who does the walking. It’s all just fear.
Bingo! That is exactly what happened to me. He totally lovebomb me to the point where I couldn’t do anything to compare to what he was doing for me and when I tried, he pushed me away and said no don’t cook for me or don’t do this or that for me. It put me in a very awkward position of feeling like I owed him something. Then later in the relationship, he threw it all at me at one time.” I give you all this. What do you give me? Huh? What do you give me?” I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. I never had anybody ask me for compensation because they were nice to me but now I feel like I didn’t do enough and was not good enough and I shouldn’t be feeling that way. It hurts so bad.
Wrong. I don't need to be a mind reader. It is an avoidants problem to mislead, love bomb and basically act like a narcissist. Oh no someone calls them on their bs and that's being anxious? Nope. You can't create a safe place for them. Especially when you ask how they feel. If they can't voice it, stay out of a relationship
Never in a million years would I have believed my ex would cheat. After the discard, I found out he'd been having multiple affairs throughout the last year of our marriage. I don't trust myself or anybody else, after being *so* terribly wrong about someone that I was *so* sure about.
FA (or BPD). Went first weird, cold, then started to heavily imagine how things will go wrong. Lies, refused to communicate. We were going to be together. They got cold feet. Then only friends-mode, I got pissed for them using me. When I tried to talk, the chat account was deleted. It's been now 1,5 months. Knew the FA for 1 year. Got thrown away like I was nothing.
my self doubt was the cognitive dissonance - and how to make sure that never can happen again - where thought one thing was happening when it was quite another
The more I was vehemently myself, the more I was rejected by my boyfriend of 4 years. We were on a vacation and I finally reached a point where I was a sick of the repression and criticism. I was as friendly and affectionate to him as ever but for instance I danced with his daughter and laughed and joked freely. God forbid, I had fun. He broke up with me on the ride home. It was painful but after a year I’ve healed so much and I’m peaceful.
Thank you for your compassion. ❤ Your spot on. I was hit with after 5 yrs off/on..no physical intimacy stopped completely….” we just don’t get along.I don’t love you. Can we just be friends? I’m not feeling it ,please find some other fella. I can’t give you what you need.” bullshit out of the blue .I was devastated. when he finally called, I told him to “F off”..I never wanted to see him again. Went NC, 7 months… finally talked over text, and he threw it in my face that I treated him terrible, and that I was the initiator of breakup-WTF? Talk about mind games. I know I didn’t give him a chance to explain anything. But I was so stressed out and angry. I threw it at him. then I found out he went back with his ex ,probably been seeing her in these off/on periods..It’s all come up… I know I suffer again 😢 this video is very informative as well as others you have done. I think you understand as you have gone through this as well.
Anybody else feel like you were just too amazing for them? It intimidates them and instead of meeting you in your confidence they shatter you into pieces then blame you for being an ugly mess?
On Monday she was telling me she can see me as fitting into her family, and that she feels something serious and genuine for me. The next day she’s coercing me to opening up about my mental health, i tell her that I tried medication and I’ve been struggling a bit. Two hours later telling me we should just be friends. I’m losing my mind
Very typical. Mine confirmed private birthday invitation “Cake, sushi, hottub’ and two hours later: ’All plans cancelled’ - and final break up. (It was the 70th. cycle)
Probably felt vulnerable that you were open and honest regarding you emotional or mental state, and she couldn’t level up and do the same with her emotions and that scared her and she ran. Don’t internalise it. To open up to a partner like you have is a strength. Stay strong friend
Wow, thanks for doing this video. Really hit the spot! It's been 1 year since my breakup with my avoidant ex, and I have recently been overwhelmed with guilt and self-criticism over our relationship breakdown. Although, I certainly wasn't perfect and have reflected extensively on my shortcomings for future learning. This video has helped me consider a more balanced perspective and allowed me to give myself some more compassion. Thanks so much
You are speaking directly to me. Thank you so much!
3 месяца назад+5
I am an anxious attachment style. I am always drawn to avoidant ones (I am aware why) but how to stop it and/or navigate it better? I always end up heart broken 💔
My ex wasn’t happy because I wasn’t multiple females . He gave me the silent treatment all the time . And I heard a female whisper “she knows” once during a phone call
Today I have been really anxious about the possibility that came into my mind, that what if I wasn't good-looking enough for my partner, and that's why it was so easy for him to discard me. This video helped me remember, or underline the fact, that he told me several times that my appearance was basically from his dreams. Also thank you for talking about inner critic the way you did. I hadn't realised that my doubts and fears can also count as inner critic, even if they're not something I absolutely believe to be true. Even if I don't literally criticise myself with them in the sense that I would use phrases like "I should've - -" or "why did I not - -".
Thank you so much! Your videos really help. It was indeed a freakish experience. I was super confused and upset. Didnt know how to understand this guy until researched this. Thought I screwed it up somehow. I invited a guy to a concert, had tickets from work. He acted weird ever sinse. Mostly absent. Just started dating. Didnt realise this could be a big deal. He didnt dump me. But he is ghosting. I tried to confront. He gazlighted me saying it was him who felt ghosted. Now I just dropped. Not going to reach. Still upset, but hopefully can manage with a help of videos like this one. Thanks again!
It's easier and harder at the same time when the avoidant believes a lie, or makes up a lie, that I cheated on them. It is impossible to prove innocence, the good thing is no guilt on my side, but there's still plenty self doubt on what I was doing that got them to this point.
I realize I have a good intuition. Felt that sth was off nearly from the start. Felt that he is not connecting emotionally. Even sex is controlled.... wow. Now I know what is this about.
Thanks Ken, good.stuff, helpful to hear it was never going to work cos of avoidance. Any chance you could explain the difference please between avoidant personality disorder and severe avoidant attachment?
I am on for you doing a workshop with a group. I really need some help with healing from going around and around with the avoidant. It’s a five year relationship and I basically got lied to cheating on and screwed. Some of it was my own magical thinking that things were going to work out, thank you I enjoy your show quite a bit. It’s very helpful.
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. I was Totally blindsided, shes avoidant, she says she needs time for her own mental health improvement. She said ive done nothing wrong, provided everything she needed. The only piece of criticism given to me is that my "vocabulary is much better and it feels like when you (me) talk it goes over my head" That seems outrageous..... How can one be broken up with for being smarter than their partner? Does that now sound ridiculous? Shes scared because i fit everything she wants but doesnt like it at the same time. So entirely confusing. I need help navigating this.
Yes, that is ridiculous. I hope you learn more about this affliction and you will then realize you dodged a bullet!!!! God bless you, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 thank you @repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 for being so kind. May God bless you and keep you. I'm saddened more that I cannot witness to her any longer and try to save her soul. Jesus Christ is Lord.
I was told I work all the time, which is true and also that I treated him like he couldn’t do anything right. Both probably true and I’ve been beating myself up about it for months. Stuck in phase one, like you said. I’ve never had this complaint before. What makes it crazy, is he had no ambition or goals and I gave him a job. So I was supporting both of us and he didn’t seem to mind for the first year. And I’m not sure if I started treating him like he was incapable because he was intentionally acting that way. Never have I done that before, but it was criticism and I guess he couldn’t take that. Thank you for these videos. It helps me not blame myself so intensely and realize it was mostly him and inwardly I just need to keep myself in check even when someone is pushing buttons.
I was pretty half in , half out as i analysed him by behaviour,it was like im not feeling secure.. Every time we met he would disappear or returning to a date app, the hardest part im really private and disabled , instead of making me feel secure , my disabilty crept up being really insecure, and hed blame my doubts on me, being insecure and the last time we met he said i do love you, and he slowly disappeared in a week ..that hurt so much.. in a year and half i think god wtf i was so lucky he left
@@riverbilly64 as someone who loves to be affectionate and have sex, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe I don’t want to understand. I don’t want to lose what I have.
I did this over and over and over again. And they often welcome you back with loving arms but it all turns out the same in the end. Go back 100 times, get your heart broken 101.
I gave up on mine , she came back missing me , crying once again. All needy for 2 weeks then pulled away just as fast and I just gave up this time the pull back this time made me so anxious and she called me one night and once again saying I'm probably talking some other girl and I just said have a great night hung up . She called me the next day and I didn't answer . She texted me a few hours after that and said I'm sorry I wasn't trying to be mean .I'll let you be. She fxking knows I'm fighting for us so I walked away. I didn't answer I didn't text .I'm done being treated like that. And it kills me. But if she isn't going to respect me then I'll have to respect myself. I'm moving on.
I think you scared that man bcause you were more sharp , earnest and smarter and still a good person. For some people that make them feel less valuable. And they don't gave the guts to develop alongside with you, wha do you think about this teori? Perhaps you got an abondment issue from childhood too, narcissistic father , or no ratjer at all?
Just wandering. Hope I never get disappointed like that, do have som trust issue myself though, all though I am earnest, but not entirely an angel all the time , as somewhat avoidant myself
I think more often than not but after you've done this on and off thing for a while, there's always gonna be that last final time after which they won't come back... Depends on which type avoidant they are as well.
Depends if you pick up on who they really are. You might need to not say hey this is your attachment style and this is why you are etc it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself. Have them do therapy and have them work on themselves while maintaining the situationship
We went through about 70 breakups in about 6 years. She always came back - always accepted unconditionally by me - after a couple of days, weeks or months 69 times. It caused me a mental health crisis.
It's hard to trust people in general after dealing with an avoidant who was full of "mystery" and kept many secrets about themselves. The lies upon lies and the shut downs and the things they'd say to make you think they were believable. When all they were was full of crap. These avoidants are very insecure in themselves,but will blame their partners instead.
Exactly!
Indeed.
"The way they relate to you is dictated by how they feel about themselves". Profound statement Ken and very, very true.x
I do not blame myself anymore after breakup with the avoidant. I realize I am not "too much", maybe they are just not enough for me.
They cant b enough for anyone with emotional needs. Only those w equally avoidant attachment.
@@blessedbee186 Which won't last either. Deep down inside they are very lonely people just seeking connections and validation that they are "good enough". But their behaviours prove otherwise.
If you created a safe space to express needs and fears, maybe you’d find that somewhere in the middle was best - My hindsight, my failed relationship with my beloved avoidant, we were terrible with communication, we both campaigned for what each if us wanted and anything else was a threat to our own needs… both parties, if they love and respect each other, will listen to the others needs and WILL WANT to find common ground. This is where our attachment can really skew our perception, I loved her with all my little anxious heart(too much, right) and I respected her… but my defensiveness over differences in needs overode all that. I needed more of her, she felt smothered… I didn’t care, I wanted my needs.
Blame, it isn’t a good word. I smothered my avoidant and made her my world… no one deserves that pressure, of course she should have communicated her fears and needs better, maybe a heads-up before walking breaking up and walking would’ve been nice too.
I’m trying to say that no one should fit perfect, because we aren’t perfect and relationships certainly are never perfect.
@@norswil8763 I do not think it's fruitful to place blame on others, including securely attached folks, for the intimacy issues the avoidant has that likely stems for his/her childhood trauma(s). You can create the safest space - give eons of space - it is still the responsibility of the avoidant person to sort out their issues. No one can help them but themselves, and a good therapist
@@blessedbee186 well, is that a relationship to begin with?
My self-doubt is often "Would the relationship have still ended if I had started the relationship as the secure person I am now?" And in my case, the answer is that it would've ended *sooner* because I would've put my foot down about her bullshit sooner and never let things get that bad in the first place.
THIS SAVED ME
Yea, would have never started probably
EXACTLY! I just had a conversation with myself about this exact same thing.
@jellosapiens7261 you probably wouldn't of looked at him, tbh.
The feeling of being with the most perfect person who makes you feel utterly worthless about yourself, is truly a heartbreaking experience. Especially when you have fallen in love with them and care about them. You are left with no choice but to either harden yourself against them, or destroy yourself emotionally. It’s terrible.
Its the most heartbreaking thing i've ever been through in my life. You know how they turned up in the beginning is part of them, its IN THERE somewhere. But unless they confront their fears and heal that's never going to come back and all they will be is what they are towards the end of the relationship. In the end you know you love them and they love you, but you just can't be in a relationship with them. How they turned up at first totally spoiled everything, you just know you'll never find a connection as magical as that was. I am over them, but the good memories will forever be burned into my mind.
Well said
@johndoe8923-k2d Im sorry. I agree, i fell too. It feels awful
It’s sad how they sabotage a good relationship over small things. They are looking for perfection, is an illusion in their mind. No one is perfect.
The more heartbreaking thing is those 'things' are more often than not a projection of their own insecurities, if not minor issues that could have been resolved if they just communicated instead of keeping it all in because of the fear of rejection. Even when you ask them, their alexithymia literally causes them to lock up. I literally witnessed mine physically freeze up and unable to express what she was feeling deep down, then made some superficial unrelated comment. It is sheer mindfuckery how an adult that seems totally well adjusted on the surface can have the emotional development stuck at their formative childhood years. I have seen videos of 3-5 year olds with a better ability to express their feelings than mine. Yet, she always claim that 'I am a very deep person', referring to the gamut of emotions she feels at the subconscious level and unable to verbalise or express them. The pain and fear of self reflection keeps their emotional capacity stunted.
@@Avoidantslovetocopeandcope"mind fuckery" good one!!!
That was extremely helpful! My ex told me (after ghosting me for four months) that we aren’t compatible because I wanted to talk about the relationship „all the time“ and he would have preferred to talk about other things and that we weren’t that close after all (after before telling me that we are soulmates and that he enjoys being with me AND using me to vent about his job and needing my advise on numerous things on a regular basis). I criticize myself a lot for having been too needy…. With the help of that video I managed to calm my inner critic down by asking him the question: would I have kept trying to talk about the relationship had my partner even once been open to and really engaged with me in such a conversation? And as a response I got… silence. What a relief that gave me….🙏
Omg, this sounds very familiar! Such a good response!
Whar an absolute assh. His poor behavior is not your fault at all.
More rhan once I met people incl new 'friends' who would talk about soulmate then soon their arrogance and disrespect showed up. They have issue's or need to dominate and will add pain in our lives.
They will find any reason to avoid ur love. They r too broken and know they can never b what anyone w emotions needs. They save themselves the failure and end it.
😅❤
This is soooo my story, especially we are not compatible section,,, fucc i really thought she was the one but after all she meant to be my ex !
He threw our beautiful relationship away and has come back multiple times saying he misses me…that’s how you know you weren’t the problem! Every time he comes back he ghosts again. It’s exhausting. Hope he learns a good thing is worth fighting for
Block him
Mine did that. They all do that. And nothing changes. The cycle will equal indifference. Also don't think they aren't with others between you. They are.
Indeed they are while claiming there is no one else like you, how much they miss you and love you.
What's worse? When you don't get anything from them in the way of what happened. Just "you're so wonderful, I don't think I can be in a relationship." and you are like, what? We've been in one for 3 years! You never said one thing, we were happy, affectionate, laughed, and enjoyed our time together. We lived together. And you are just reeling and you ask to work on it and they say "nope, nothing we can do." It is the most difficult and disregulating place to be in.
My exs excuse was he realised I looked and sounded like his previous ex and he no longer had feelings for me, 2 days beforehe was telling me he loved me....took him 3 years to notice??? 😅 I went through so much rumination it is hell.
@@Growwithgrace101 they will come up with ANYTHING to rationalise their fear into something that looks like a legit reason to leave the relationship when they deactivate. And they will flawfind and nitpick you to death. None of it is true and we know it.
He wasn't telling the truth ...so sorry
Each word is spot on. This is exactly what I'm dealing with and I keep doubting myself. Then looking back at the facts. Then gaslighting myself. It's a painful cycle. I'm not perfect but surely he could have communicated his needs and seeing if I met them, before breaking up. Not just assumed that I couldn't meet them. He didn't even give me a chance.
Yes I'm playing back specific words and I'm spiraling...... telling me I made him feel alone and wasn't supportive. Which hurts so deeply
Exactly like my case.
Exactly! Breaking up without even trying to contribute to the relationship is extremely painful for the one left behind. Makes you feel like you weren’t worth any effort. I feel you…. It’s also very healing to read the stories of other ppl experiencing very similar dynamics. We can’t all be the crazy ones, can’t we?😬
@@tinalu4695 that was exactly what happened to me to the T !!!!!
@@tinalu4695no, we can’t 😊
The only thing that bothers me he always told me I gave him confidence, the only person that would really listen to him, that he always felt the need to protect me, and he would have a hard time if he ever lost me. I'm not perfect, but I know I treated him really well. At the breakup his words were extremely painful, completely rewrote history of our relationship. He can't truly be himself around his family and friends but he treats them so well. What bothers me, he treats them perfect, but the person who was there for him unconditionally, didnt judge and loved him for who he was, he could just discard and say really hurtfull things to. It makes no sense to me.
I feel your pain. All I did was show love and affection to my ex. He said he'd never felt so much love before. I got used to be breadcrumbed in the relationship. Only to be cruelly discarded over spilling a cup of tea. He shouted and said really hurtful things. Told me to take my possessions out of his place. I drove home in tears. 2 years and planning to get married this year. I believe he's back with his toxic avoident ex 😢
@@beaker7353 Over a cup of tea?? Obviously, he was just searching from some absurd excuse! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Terrible way to treat someone!
Mine COMPLETELY rewrote history of the relationship, too! He told flat-out, incredible LIES about what went on! I couldn't even believe it, was stunned.
Amazing video .. helped me to understand why I got broken up with no communication and no explanation after being engaged to him . Was a massive shock but I’m trying to stay strong and focus on myself . I have nothing to say to him now .. if he can leave me without a backwards glance then I am better off alone ❤
If more of us sad, anxious peeps were more honest… we’d take accountability for our part in the dynamic, not to excuse avoidants, but to admit that the push-pull happens and our anxious thinking and reactionary behaviour really is the fuel on the fire. We feed our avoidant partners if we’re not attuned and aware of what’s happening, this is often why the suddenness is so… sudden. They struggle to voice fears and needs, if I had known my avoidant ex was holding onto her worries in fear of conflict or abandonment I would have worked at creating that safe space for her, alleviating that compounding pressure. Not to mention our tendency to give unbalanced love and freak out when the same ridiculous levels aren’t returned in an ideal way… only opening the door to the full bag of damaging anxious behaviours, trying to pull them closer, over compensating the love we give, putting them so high on the pedestal, abandoning ourselves, controlling of their time, if they invest energy elsewhere jealousy might creep in.
We too have a lot to answer for. Just because the behaviours are considered less directly damaging, and typically it’s the avoidant who does the walking. It’s all just fear.
Bingo! That is exactly what happened to me. He totally lovebomb me to the point where I couldn’t do anything to compare to what he was doing for me and when I tried, he pushed me away and said no don’t cook for me or don’t do this or that for me. It put me in a very awkward position of feeling like I owed him something. Then later in the relationship, he threw it all at me at one time.” I give you all this. What do you give me? Huh? What do you give me?” I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. I never had anybody ask me for compensation because they were nice to me but now I feel like I didn’t do enough and was not good enough and I shouldn’t be feeling that way. It hurts so bad.
Wrong. I don't need to be a mind reader. It is an avoidants problem to mislead, love bomb and basically act like a narcissist. Oh no someone calls them on their bs and that's being anxious? Nope. You can't create a safe place for them. Especially when you ask how they feel. If they can't voice it, stay out of a relationship
Never in a million years would I have believed my ex would cheat. After the discard, I found out he'd been having multiple affairs throughout the last year of our marriage. I don't trust myself or anybody else, after being *so* terribly wrong about someone that I was *so* sure about.
FA (or BPD). Went first weird, cold, then started to heavily imagine how things will go wrong. Lies, refused to communicate. We were going to be together. They got cold feet. Then only friends-mode, I got pissed for them using me. When I tried to talk, the chat account was deleted. It's been now 1,5 months.
Knew the FA for 1 year. Got thrown away like I was nothing.
my self doubt was the cognitive dissonance - and how to make sure that never can happen again - where thought one thing was happening when it was quite another
I agree with that.
In my case I got a different reason for the same question each time I asked, when they felt like answering...and they did have lapses in memory too.
All your videos on avoidants help me understand.
The more I was vehemently myself, the more I was rejected by my boyfriend of 4 years. We were on a vacation and I finally reached a point where I was a sick of the repression and criticism. I was as friendly and affectionate to him as ever but for instance I danced with his daughter and laughed and joked freely. God forbid, I had fun. He broke up with me on the ride home. It was painful but after a year I’ve healed so much and I’m peaceful.
Thank you for your compassion. ❤ Your spot on. I was hit with after 5 yrs off/on..no physical intimacy stopped completely….” we just don’t get along.I don’t love you. Can we just be friends? I’m not feeling it ,please find some other fella. I can’t give you what you need.” bullshit out of the blue .I was devastated. when he finally called, I told him to “F off”..I never wanted to see him again. Went NC, 7 months… finally talked over text, and he threw it in my face that I treated him terrible, and that I was the initiator of breakup-WTF? Talk about mind games. I know I didn’t give him a chance to explain anything. But I was so stressed out and angry. I threw it at him. then I found out he went back with his ex ,probably been seeing her in these off/on periods..It’s all come up… I know I suffer again 😢
this video is very informative as well as others you have done. I think you understand as you have gone through this as well.
Exactly, great points and conclusions. I need to start talking to my internal bully
Same
Anybody else feel like you were just too amazing for them? It intimidates them and instead of meeting you in your confidence they shatter you into pieces then blame you for being an ugly mess?
On Monday she was telling me she can see me as fitting into her family, and that she feels something serious and genuine for me. The next day she’s coercing me to opening up about my mental health, i tell her that I tried medication and I’ve been struggling a bit. Two hours later telling me we should just be friends. I’m losing my mind
Very typical. Mine confirmed private birthday invitation “Cake, sushi, hottub’ and two hours later: ’All plans cancelled’ - and final break up. (It was the 70th. cycle)
I am so sorry that happened to you.
She probably got scared of your issues, it overwhelmed her and she run away .
Probably felt vulnerable that you were open and honest regarding you emotional or mental state, and she couldn’t level up and do the same with her emotions and that scared her and she ran. Don’t internalise it. To open up to a partner like you have is a strength. Stay strong friend
@@sammyott5288 thank you!
Wow, thanks for doing this video. Really hit the spot! It's been 1 year since my breakup with my avoidant ex, and I have recently been overwhelmed with guilt and self-criticism over our relationship breakdown. Although, I certainly wasn't perfect and have reflected extensively on my shortcomings for future learning. This video has helped me consider a more balanced perspective and allowed me to give myself some more compassion. Thanks so much
Thank you for this video. It truly helps in my healing journey and making peace with the end of a relationship I truly valued.
I spent 30 years with this man and he did this to me
You are speaking directly to me. Thank you so much!
I am an anxious attachment style. I am always drawn to avoidant ones (I am aware why) but how to stop it and/or navigate it better? I always end up heart broken 💔
My ex wasn’t happy because I wasn’t multiple females . He gave me the silent treatment all the time . And I heard a female whisper “she knows” once during a phone call
Today I have been really anxious about the possibility that came into my mind, that what if I wasn't good-looking enough for my partner, and that's why it was so easy for him to discard me.
This video helped me remember, or underline the fact, that he told me several times that my appearance was basically from his dreams.
Also thank you for talking about inner critic the way you did. I hadn't realised that my doubts and fears can also count as inner critic, even if they're not something I absolutely believe to be true. Even if I don't literally criticise myself with them in the sense that I would use phrases like "I should've - -" or "why did I not - -".
Came at the perfect time
Thank you so much! Your videos really help. It was indeed a freakish experience. I was super confused and upset. Didnt know how to understand this guy until researched this. Thought I screwed it up somehow. I invited a guy to a concert, had tickets from work. He acted weird ever sinse. Mostly absent. Just started dating. Didnt realise this could be a big deal.
He didnt dump me. But he is ghosting. I tried to confront. He gazlighted me saying it was him who felt ghosted. Now I just dropped. Not going to reach. Still upset, but hopefully can manage with a help of videos like this one. Thanks again!
Or sometimes there’s someone else and they don’t have the balls to admit it
Experienced this… complete cowardice 😢
Exactly true!
Yep.
Absolutely. They'll deny it vehemently and gaslight.
Thanks for this video Ken. It’s so true those thoughts are so intense sometimes ❤
Wow. Thank you. Yes - my old narrative: I ruin things. If I were prettier or younger or more affluent, he would have stayed 🙄
It's easier and harder at the same time when the avoidant believes a lie, or makes up a lie, that I cheated on them. It is impossible to prove innocence, the good thing is no guilt on my side, but there's still plenty self doubt on what I was doing that got them to this point.
I realize I have a good intuition. Felt that sth was off nearly from the start. Felt that he is not connecting emotionally. Even sex is controlled.... wow. Now I know what is this about.
Thanks Ken, good.stuff, helpful to hear it was never going to work cos of avoidance.
Any chance you could explain the difference please between avoidant personality disorder and severe avoidant attachment?
I am on for you doing a workshop with a group. I really need some help with healing from going around and around with the avoidant. It’s a five year relationship and I basically got lied to cheating on and screwed. Some of it was my own magical thinking that things were going to work out, thank you I enjoy your show quite a bit. It’s very helpful.
Covert Narcs...I think 'Avoidants' are getting too much of a free pass..
My girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago. I was Totally blindsided, shes avoidant, she says she needs time for her own mental health improvement. She said ive done nothing wrong, provided everything she needed. The only piece of criticism given to me is that my "vocabulary is much better and it feels like when you (me) talk it goes over my head"
That seems outrageous.....
How can one be broken up with for being smarter than their partner? Does that now sound ridiculous? Shes scared because i fit everything she wants but doesnt like it at the same time. So entirely confusing. I need help navigating this.
Yes, that is ridiculous. I hope you learn more about this affliction and you will then realize you dodged a bullet!!!! God bless you, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 thank you @repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 for being so kind. May God bless you and keep you.
I'm saddened more that I cannot witness to her any longer and try to save her soul.
Jesus Christ is Lord.
@@wrxman16 Aw, I'm so sorry and I will pray right now that she comes to Jesus very soon!
I was told I work all the time, which is true and also that I treated him like he couldn’t do anything right. Both probably true and I’ve been beating myself up about it for months. Stuck in phase one, like you said.
I’ve never had this complaint before.
What makes it crazy, is he had no ambition or goals and I gave him a job. So I was supporting both of us and he didn’t seem to mind for the first year.
And I’m not sure if I started treating him like he was incapable because he was intentionally acting that way. Never have I done that before, but it was criticism and I guess he couldn’t take that.
Thank you for these videos. It helps me not blame myself so intensely and realize it was mostly him and inwardly I just need to keep myself in check even when someone is pushing buttons.
I was pretty half in , half out as i analysed him by behaviour,it was like im not feeling secure..
Every time we met he would disappear or returning to a date app, the hardest part im really private and disabled , instead of making me feel secure , my disabilty crept up being really insecure, and hed blame my doubts on me, being insecure and the last time we met he said i do love you, and he slowly disappeared in a week ..that hurt so much.. in a year and half i think god wtf i was so lucky he left
Yes, after they tell you they love you, they are GONE. I think it’s some kind of weird pre-breakup prep.
Mine broke up with me yesterday due to me wanting of her time but she was the one who always invites me out
17:06 Breakup Reasons
What a word rumination it is I I am it 😂
Is their aversion to intimacy being labeled as a compatibility issue valid? Or is it likely I just wasn’t attractive?
You can’t beat yourself up like that. They have a definite aversion to intimacy.
@@riverbilly64 as someone who loves to be affectionate and have sex, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe I don’t want to understand. I don’t want to lose what I have.
I BEEN ruminating and am trying to resist calling and saying imu 😞😞😞😞
I did this over and over and over again. And they often welcome you back with loving arms but it all turns out the same in the end. Go back 100 times, get your heart broken 101.
I gave up on mine , she came back missing me , crying once again. All needy for 2 weeks then pulled away just as fast and I just gave up this time the pull back this time made me so anxious and she called me one night and once again saying I'm probably talking some other girl and I just said have a great night hung up . She called me the next day and I didn't answer . She texted me a few hours after that and said I'm sorry I wasn't trying to be mean .I'll let you be. She fxking knows I'm fighting for us so I walked away. I didn't answer I didn't text .I'm done being treated like that. And it kills me. But if she isn't going to respect me then I'll have to respect myself. I'm moving on.
I think you scared that man bcause you were more sharp , earnest and smarter and still a good person. For some people that make them feel less valuable. And they don't gave the guts to develop alongside with you, wha do you think about this teori? Perhaps you got an abondment issue from childhood too, narcissistic father , or no ratjer at all?
Just wandering. Hope I never get disappointed like that, do have som trust issue myself though, all though I am earnest, but not entirely an angel all the time , as somewhat avoidant myself
Subbed.
Thank you!!!!
How often do they come back?
I think more often than not but after you've done this on and off thing for a while, there's always gonna be that last final time after which they won't come back... Depends on which type avoidant they are as well.
Depends if you pick up on who they really are. You might need to not say hey this is your attachment style and this is why you are etc it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself. Have them do therapy and have them work on themselves while maintaining the situationship
Why on earth would you want them back? Esp after the way they treated you and possibly discarded you? Grow some self worth man!
We went through about 70 breakups in about 6 years. She always came back - always accepted unconditionally by me - after a couple of days, weeks or months 69 times. It caused me a mental health crisis.
@@jurgenwehner3607 That's because YOU allowed it. Stop allowing her access to you. Problem solved.
Thank you Ken ❤️🩹
Thank you sooo much 🙏🙏🙏