No self respecting person is going to sit around and wait for a DA to figure out the fate of your relationship. It’s like they abruptly make an executive decision to dismantle your relationship and your supposed to baby them and care about their feelings when they treat you with total disregard. Now you’re traumatized moving forward.
Its too bad they don’t realize that the trigger is usually about childhood wounds, and you just mirrored that to them, but they tend to blame their upset on you.
The term dismissive avoidant just legitimizes these people. They aren't some special psychological category. They're just jerks. Yes, they show a particular behavior set. But we're do not pick it apart and analyze them. We bounce. Then they get to be angry we have awesome lives without them. Sorry Charlie. Improve yourself or suffer more of the same. You're not so special that you're above it all and just distant and so very independenTTttT. Youre insecure and messed up. Stop dating and fix yourself. No excuses. :-)
After learning about attachment styles, I learned that me ex was a DA. She reached out after year and 5 months of no contact. After a few back and forth text and even suggesting that we meet up, I decided to tell her that I didnt want to meet and wished her the best in life. Didn’t get anything after that. I am no one’s option or backup plan. She had her chance and fumbled the ball when she decided to break up with me. I will not go through that again.
In my opinion, save yourself and let them go. You’re worth more than that. Value yourself. It will be a game of “tag you’re it” with DA’s. They only think of self, and won’t consider how they’ve made you feel. If they do come back, you will see the pattern and cycle all over again. Trust me, their behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s all on them.
I brought up potentially closing the gap in our long distance and suddenly the communication became sparse and then a surprise trip.. overseas! The timing has been bizarre and the communication even MORE sparse. I didn’t give an ultimatum or anything just a conversation where he shared his apprehension and “poof”.. weirdness. It’s really sad. I wish to thank you them for sharing their opinion and telling them I respect it. End the weirdness, that’s all.
Wtf? What a weird comment. Thats not what you should expect from a relationship. This sounds like a narvissistic perspective lol you should expect reciprocity and mutuality, not for them to glaze you.
As someone said, it’s usually about them. I know my ex partner loved me deeply but has sadly, at his age, chosen not be self aware nor work on himself and instead runs away to comfort but also great loneliness. He is such a great man in many ways and was so brave. Seeing him behave in such a “cowardly” way at the end was very confusing to see. I wish people had the ability to know change is possible if they are willing to feel their feelings and get help, and make peace with shame for a short time. Life is meant to be enjoyed it’s heartbreaking that people make it into their own living hells.
You described what happened with my ex perfectly. She had ALOT of trauma from her childhood and past relationships such as cheating and heartbreak. Dated this girl for 6 months and I treated her better than any ex prior, I gave this girl love and care but in return she broke my heart. We had ONE small dispute and she immediately ran from the relationship. She never even formally broke it off with me, didnt try to communicate, she straight ghosted me. Last I heard from her was "I need time, talk when I can" and 2 days later she blocked me on everything. It's been 3 weeks now and it hasn't gotten easier with how discarded I feel. We even had a trip planned and paid for this Summer and she threw it all away. It's just so cowardly and confusing to me, I couldn't imagine doing this to someone. There were zero cracks or premature signs that she was unhappy with me. I never begged, pleaded, or attempted to go around the block because I literally did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment. I'll never date someone with trauma like hers again.
I hear you. It's illogical, confusing, frustrating and spins your head, amd hurts. I had something similar but it was more drawn out hot & cold. I've given it up to the universe and focus on myself now. I missed him so much at first but now there is a WONDERFUL peace. I'm going yo manifest a non-avoidant next time ;) Someone who wants committment, loves it and is happy to stay. Good luck, sorry this happened but it's probably a blessing in disguise
I hear you and feel your pain. really sorry to hear this happened to you. I was there too. My story is nearly the same as yours but genders reversed. We were together 7 months. This discard was so sudden, painful and heartbreaking that I needed to seek professional help. But only then I found out how much my attachment style, unresolved childhood traumas and previous ex partner's betrayal played role in my triggers, feelings and emotions during last relationship with avoidant and later in my healing process. I am only gratefull for that last part😉 🙏 I know karma has no expiry date and I will do everything to heal to be able to spot avoidants miles away and don't give a chance to trick me ever again. I wish you loads of self love💖
One thing Lee - "treated her better than any ex prior". The truth you know is that you treated her better than what she had told you about any ex prior. Why do i say this? Because she will be telling the next person bad stories about you to make him feel like the best she has ever had. This is how modern women whitewash bodycount. "Yes, I had multiple partners in the past but you are so much better because x, y, z."
@@passerby6168men also lie about how their current love interest is the best they ever have. It's not a woman thing, EVERY guy I've dated has done this unfortunately.
I walked away from an avoidant guy after a month. I can’t deal with the hot and cold. Did I get hurt? Oh yeah. Was I going to stick around for that? Nope.
DA stands for "Definitely Avoid". These people are not worth your time and will continually hurt you, sometimes just for their amusement. It's soul draining in a way you can't imagine. They're very toxic as partners.
True. I don't get why you should be advised how to bend over for them. Its a bit like giving advice about how stay with a narcissist. You can learn to do it but why should you make yourself disappear to be another persons piece of equipment.
My therapist asked me yesterday about my ex's good qualities 😂 frankly the bad qualities are 90% sorry I'm not doing it to belittle him cause that's not who I am as a person but he knows he is the one who doesn't deserve me & is always repeating how "I'm great theres nothing wrong with me, he doesnt think awful things about me" and im like why did u say & did things to shift the blame & now im the phantom ex u will never reach out to cause ur deeply ashamed how much u fumbled
After my fiance moved out twice, suddenly, without conversation or insight, im not letting her back. She can play games with someone else. Im looking for a level of emotional maturity, she obviously is incapable of providing.
Had this issue recently, no prior issues or major arguments…got up one day while visiting my country and changed his flight. Took 3 months to then break up with me with no logical explanation. The kicker is that after trying to reach out to me a few times since the breakup, the reasons always kept changing but were still illogical and erratic…but makes perfect sense to him. I can’t deal with emotional instability because it means I can’t depend on you when times get tough…which it inevitably will.
If they aren't emotionally available then why do they date? If they are just gonna dump you?? There are always issues in relationships....if they aren't able to commit....then why.....
Validation, attention on child level and just...they fear being worse, left out since there's social pressure to have a relationship otherwise one is called "the odd one"
They have a desire for love and intimacy like most people. They just get scared when they actually get it. Logic doesn’t work when you are triggered. It’s full on fight or flight.
Where did their emotions go? I don't understand that overly used term " emotionally unavailable ". Wouldn't emotionally immature or unstable be more apt.
@@pharoahhamilton7076 I mean I was just told "i didn't get butterflies anymore" and that was it it's like they just chase the honeymoon phase and once it's over they are done it's a BS excuse in my opinion
When he needs to " take space " putting me in the holding tank , in my world, it's a wrap. I choose me over anyone else, especially when they are emotionally dysfunctional. Not worth my precious time or mental health ❤
My DA GF also thought that taking space will make things better ugh It's understandable to offload the relationship to make their life more manageable though... But damn, she made 0 effort to communicate it. Now we gotta wait til the DA feel comfortable again? that's TOXIC af 🙄
@@chiaraA. Yeah it's probably what the DA is thinking too because subconsciously they feel they're not good enough and are scared of their partners breaking up so they do it first 🤷
Yep, juat broke up with an avoidant, each time i asked what happened? What did go wrong, all questions were ignored, 0 explanations given and when i tried to give her space she was mad i was ignoring her messages... 😂
Something to think about is that there are a lot of hurt people in the comment section. And unfortunately most people when they say "dismissive avoidant" what they're really referring to is the "one" person who hurt them and not the attachment style. People find peace in labels initially and eventually those same labels end up keeping them stuck in a cycle of blame without actual resolution. So keep your head up. Everyone has their own achilles heel.
Go on with your life. They don’t deserve your energy or love. I made the mistake of letting mine come back a few times and, now, he just thinks he can run and come back when he misses me. Not anymore. Over it. It’s beyond immature and lazy. I’ve already talked to him about his childhood experiences affecting his romantic relationships. He just refuses to do anything about it. It truly feels like I’m dealing with a child. Not attractive
You are dealing with a child. All this stuff is essentially emotional dysregulation and emotional immaturity. I don't bother with all the labels. It's a wound and a failure to grow up emotionally. They are truly fearful people deep down. To be honest so much of the population is like this now. And tech has made easier to retreat and misbehave.
This lady is on point! She nailed my entire breakup perfectly...so perfect that it's starting to make me dislike all my friends who question attachment styles. Everything Katya says was exactly what my DA ex was thinking.
If you are seeing this comments, dont try to reason with an avoidant, i have dated 5 avoidants in my life and all they do is lie, manipulate and blame everything on you, immediately you notice a slight miss communication just back away no matter the love you have for them, you are not here to heal someone Let them do it themselves if they want a relationship.
It's amazing how accurately this describes relationships. From her explanation the avoidant people are not getting therapy but this growing awareness is going to help everyone. Being an avoidant doesn't make them intentionally cruel my avoidant was warm and intensely loving when present, then gone for long periods, so those of us that are anxious must also be aware to avoid harming ourselves. Before these attachment styles were explained I really didn't grasp what I had been doing for years being attracted to someone unavailable which is also a handy way to avoid real intimacy. My friends pointed this out but I didn't understand the magnetism or chemistry between the two both needing each other but with childhood insecurities getting in the way. The anxious ones probably have a better opportunity to grow out of it since they are aware and seeking help. I also wonder if by doing awareness training and be present in the moment we learn to let go of the worry and let it unfold, but also on a subconscious level we stop seeking out things that take us away from that pleasant state of mind.
In my situation, I’m assuming my Ex was a Fa because I know she was all in our 2 year relationship. Living together too. Towards the end, she was closed off and not expressing her emotions like she used too and it bothered me. Then when 2024 hit, her previous fling from years ago passed away. Things started changing and she started smoking again. With work being stressful, and the responsibilities of a mother of 3 I started to see it unfold. My intuition was telling me something was up. My anxious side started to get triggered and she broke the relationship into pieces on Feb 4th… moved out two days later and said “ I lost myself “ and that it wasn’t me. She wanted a “break” and even afterwards she would still text and let me know she loved me and she misses me and then asks for no contact. WTH! She asked to be friends and I set my boundaries with letting her know, I don’t do the friends deal…. I only want a romantic relationship. I’m still spinning but getting help and keeping myself occupied with gym. Avoidant Peeps are deserving of love but they run from it. Hurt people, hurt people. They gotta a lot of work to do to break out of that cycle. I’m moving back to secure attachment because right now, I need love for myself. My kids need me to show them that chasing ain’t going to solve nothing in my case. I would be strong for them because they seek me for navigation through conflict.
@xflow112 You handled the situation beautifully. I am majorly impressed. Do your healing then get back to being you. You sound fabulous -- intuitive, empathetic, and secure. You will find someone that can give you everything you deserve.
9 out of 10 Avoidant make those same vague excuses to breakup and connect with someone else. This is patterns of behavior and their relationship with people all based on sex. Never communicate,
I just wrote a hard hitting letter and mailed it to my DA ex. If no one ever calls these narcissists out - their chaos and pain traveling tours will continue. It wasn't a " I want you back" thing. It was a " you're toxic and in denial and bleeding all over everyone around you- time to wake up as to why you are so despised" type of thing.
@@henrikpetersson3463 good luck getting that through to most of these jokers. Because they were hurt by someone that is probably an avoidant they have to jump to make them the villain and call them narcissistic. They have no idea what they are even talking about or why they are different. All that matters is they are bad and "I" am good. It's embarrassing to people who truly are avoidant
@@henrikpetersson3463 Yep, an avoidant will even feel worse after such an email, because they constantly feel guilty for how they treat people. It will probably make them less likely to open up for the next person. A narcissist will not even read the message or stop reading the second they see a single negative word in it.
Wow. And you sound like a gem yourself. Nothing like sending a letter to someone telling them what a POS you think they are, denying them of any ability to confront you about it. And are they really “so despised”? If you’re that hurt that you feel the need to try to bring them down, I doubt they are despised…by anyone but you. And as others have stated, Avoidant and Narcissistic are NOT the same.
He already has a new lady in his life not even a month after breaking up with me. He had the nerve to tell me that she's more grateful than i was, the one who was beside him for 4 years. He won't be back. Hes a jerk. I feel so hurt.
I'm so sorry. That's such an invalidating thing to feel and experience. Please try to not take it personally. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. If nothing else, however "grateful" she is right now, what you are currently feeling, experiencing, regretting, etc? That's her future too.
I’m telling you that woman is unhappy inside and is too scared to bring it up to his egotistical self. She will stay but only until she can’t take it anymore and he will either have to face himself or be utterly confused as to why she left him.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head with this one. When I wasn’t interested in the avoidant he kept finding reasons to talk to me. The second I started initiating conversation or eye contact he started wearing sunglasses and literally avoiding me. Made me feel confused like something was wrong with me. Ha! Now I see the problem is with him. Thanks for the video. Guys-if you are dealing with an avoidant-be happy they are avoiding you!They play way too many head games and the second you show interest they want nothing to do with you
What about other factors such as an aware avoidant who realises that the breakup was due to poorly managed attachment behaviour(from both parties) and also, when that special x-factor ingredient is involved, a genuine love for each other. My slightly avoidant partner brokeup with me over attachment clash, I went through something that made me extremely anxious and emotionally dependant on her, which made her go full avoidant mode and pull away, and of course feed my anxiety until she had to break it. Our dynamic was always very secure, no push pull behaviours, until we hit some turbulence. But, she reached out after 4 months, I felt like she would because I know how good the relationship was. I know that if we keep in check and manage our behaviours we’ll have a secure dynamic.
Well, I think he is a DA. He finally said he loves me, then got too busy with life to interact with me, and then only spoke to me once in August and maybe three times in September. What the absolute hell. He wants my love for so long, then once he has it, he vanishes. Thanks for the broken heart. Again.
13 дней назад+1
Im 62, ive been in at least 20 relationships since 9th grade. At age 60 i met and fell in love with a gorgeous 54 y.o. asian woman. Skin and figure were silk and petite. Not only that, her persona and disposition melted my heart. I loved her fer 18 months but kept my cool. In the time we were together, she revealed red flags that i never gave any warning too. From age 5 to 9 her older sister molested her orally and made her do the same. Her korean parents blamed her and emotionally abandoned her due to their shame. Years of horrible relationships later, i come along, fall in love tell her i love her after 3 months, and get dumped replaced and ghosted in 24hrs time. Its now been six months and not a word. This story took so long to write that i forgot my point. Oh wait, i remember now. I was gonna say at 60 i experienced my first FA/DA and after watching all the youtube videos i have to wonder if its a new phenomena. Im heartbroken thats for sure.
New subscriber here. my question is: if they are so uncomfortable with a relationship and "hyper-independent", then why pursue it in the first place? My DA tried to convince me to become close to him even though I never asked him to, and then took space (after saying how happy he was to see me) without giving any reasons.
This is exactly what happened here. What was suppose to be casual … lead it into something else and I fell for it… when I let my entire wall down is when he just pulled the rug from under
I cut ties with a dismissive avoidant for a number of reasons. I still deeply care about this person but didn't want to reconnect and reopen the attachment wound of shocking them with my comeback. It took them 1.5 years to drop me a message. As you'd expect, it's incredibly short and vague and hides the real reason why they reached out. I replied in the same way but they're avoiding opening the message. The problem is, DAs reach out when they feel that they can be vulnerable (e.g. on alcohol or drugs) but then retreat and, likely, regret making that move. It's very frustrating but it's best to be educated on their behaviour so that it doesn't take a toll on you. If they don't demonstrate signs of change, like reflection, it's a dead end. I'm patiently waiting to find out what things will be like in my situation.
The avoidant I am in a relationship with have agreed to a 40 day break, not because the relationship was breaking down, but it was going too well. Yes she is scared of intimacy. It wasn’t a sudden knee jerk reaction, we had been planning this break for 2 months. It’s possible she might not return and it’s possible she will and then go into another period of separation. I am at peace with this, as I am not attaching any emotion to the outcome. I hope for best and prepare for the worse.
Okay…so I repeatedly get into relationships with DA’s. However I’ve noticed that I am uncomfortable with someone who wants to be with me too much. I am more comfortable with DA’s because I feel like I have space. But don’t like it when I’m dropped like a hot potato! I like space within a relationship. Not sure how to find that. A day or three space is fine. Just not weeks or months. 🤷♀️
Don't think mine is coming back in that case then, had one argument over the phone & that was it. Blamed me for everything wrong in the relationship, had a list of things I had done that were apparently 'High Conflict' behaviors spanning over 4 months & broke up with me via text a week later. Kept all my stuff that I have at her house, blocked me on all Social Media & then unblocked me only on FB 5 days later. That was a month ago now, doubt I will ever hear from here again & tbh don't even really care even though I love her so much & really do miss her. Wasted 17months of my time in a one side relationship. Never will I ignore the red flags & date someone with so much past Trauma ever again! The damage she has done to me after all that I have selflessly done for her & her daughter will never be forgiven.
@@G0oNi.E The DA I was getting to know had been married over a decade. However, the marriage was dissolved. I wonder how their marriage sustained the personality of a DA. Whew!!!!
I am disorganised attached, so i can understand his avoidant side a bit, but he is extreme and i have the fearful part as well, so its hell for me at one hand and i get it , on the other hand. Its a rollercoaster but despite the painful stuf we are still Loving each other. And out of the painful stuff i got my lessons and so far my life changed for the better.. I can't go back for my own good, people will think i really gone mad. But but but.... We saw eachother again today for the first time in a month ( oke, video call,) and we both looked at eachother with so much warmth and fondness , there is no denying what we feel for each other.. We still have hope, i know i do. It was beautifull. ❤
Limerence. Lust. Not love. If you ever get together officially for any considerable amount of time, the fantasy bond will wear off. Be careful. You have been warned.
It’s been three months. Our relationship was great! It was on the cusp of moving to the next level. I was about to meet her kids, but her abusive ex husband was making her life hell and was already gaslighting the kids. I don’t know if she’ll come back or not.
@@LeeEverett1 it’s only been a month of no contact at all. We had a couple of interactions in the first two months. She even reached out to my boss and expressed interest in coming back to work with me part time.
@BruceJC75 Mine came back 10 months later, hadn't changed mind, but they always come back (as long as the connections there). What she's doing at the moment is indirectly trying to communicate with you. Reaching out to a third party to see you is definitely a sign she wants contact, but fears will still be playing out... So, live your life from here. If she circles back, it's your decision
So for what reason should someone who is not avoidant keep standing by for the avoidant. I lived with one for 3 years. He left me twice. First time he DID come back but only to be able to hold me an arms length away. After that I knew.he could and would leave me any minute of I did not behave exactly the way he wanted me to. Once he said to me: I have never met anyone else who has been so good at letting me be me. But he did not let me be me. So why on earth should I stay with an avoidant or wait when he leaves? Maybe he will return but he will not change. So why why why?
I have experienced a lot of hurt in my life. Now in my mid 40-s with a frozen nervous system. I have let go of love. I can only work on healing myself now.
My avoidant ex dumped me a week after her long term friend passed away...(until that point we laughed all the time, had so much fun together and we even said we loved each other....However, her friends death was so sad. Within a week he'd been admitted to a hospice...got married...and passed away the day after. The next week my girlfriend ended our relationship by text. She won't talk to me and has even blocked me. Initially, I'd text her, not banging on about the relationship too much, but saying how sorry I was about her friend and if tgere was anything I could do, to let me know. Could the death have triggered her avoidant behaviour? If she reached out, I'd take things ultra slow and work with her to make her feel better. I just wanna give her a happy life.
WOW!!! Same here My “boyfriend” and I we’re having so much fun daily( laughing, kissing, telling each other we love one another) and his father was in hospital for 3 months. We talked every morning and he kept me updated on his dad. His dad passed on Jan 25th, and that was the end. He came over to tell me his dad passed and I hugged him and gave my condolences, and he lightly pushed me away and even said..”I don’t mean to push you away but I have to go and check on my mother.” He stopped calling and responded to my texts since. I felt some type of way! I wrote him a letter on Feb.6 telling him I will give him space to grieve his dad and I won’t be calling him since he wasn’t responding to my calls anyway… He ghosted me… He popped up at my house on May 8th from Feb 6 and said he was sorry. No explanation or anything… He did not say one word on why I haven’t heard from him in literally 3 months. He was talking like we on so in love and he is ready to marry me…. I’m looking like..” This mf is crazy… I did research and dismissive avoidant popped up and he has checked the boxes on each video and therapist I have heard. And I swear……He just called my phone why I was typing this!!! OMG. I just hung up on that crazy ass man!! Lord I swear I thank God it happened like this! My advice to you and myself is “Run for the hills and don’t look back! We are not psychotherapists for these crazy mf’s!! Bless you🖐🏽🖐🏽💯💯
Please ask yourself this question: Do I want to be in a relationship with a partner that takes off running every time X occurs? The X can be anything: the death of a friend or family member, time to move in together, you ask them to go on vacation with you, it's time for them to meet your family and friends, someone makes an offhand remark about how good you two are together and how close you are, a pregnancy occurs, a child is born, you two have a minor disagreement, you give feedback that they take as criticism, their work is stressful, etc. You get the idea. This is what it is like with an Avoidant. ANYTHING can (and will) trigger them and they won't discuss it with you, they -- POOF -- simply disappear. You will be walking on eggshells 24 hours a day, every day. I don't know about you, but I want a partner that sticks around, not one that bolts. And I don't want one that is triggered by every little thing life puts in their path.
After watching all these videos and understanding that I was in a losing battle against a childhood trauma with my DA ex, I don't see a point in waiting on her to process in order to try fix things. It's just way too much effort and pain just to then be met with unappreciation and uncertainty with a high likelihood of getting dumped again because they're not ok in the head. If they could admit to their incorrect coping mechanisms and do work to change as a value proposition in order to rebuild what they destroyed all by themselves, sure. But we all know that's a fantasy in most cases and congrats to those that had that as a reality.
There is also the shame of having to admit that they were wrong and acknowledging how much they hurt you in the process. They are actively avoiding that feeling all the time. Uphill battle is an understatement.
Thank you for sharing, this is a helpful way to look at things so as not to default to wanting the person back just because of the abruptness of the loss (only to not actually have anything change and then have it happen again)
I went through three back to back relationships with avoidants. Oh my god, never again. Currently so happy to be single! But also grateful im not the dane person; I deserve more than some confused avoidant. I've done the work and continue to do the work. I deserve someone who's done the same 🙏🏼💫
Thank you Katya. Self reflection, what was my unhealthy role in the reason for her to leave. I have to be fully accountable and correct my inadequacies.
Thank you for posting this. Couple months ago for the second time my avoidant dismissive ex-boyfriend went from having plans that night with me to not having plans anymore. In this process, I've learned a lot about myself and my childhood trauma that have led for me to self-discover my attachment style. That's also very helpful to understand what he may be feeling or going through.. it's helped me accept the breakup as a blessing for both of us. It's just not the right time.
Hello Katya. I just subscribed after watching two of your videos. There are so many channels to choose from on this subject. Expertise is essential, plus you have a natural ability to articulate with clarity. I will watch more of your videos daily and consider a session with you.
I hate to say it this way but here it is. I worked over her G spot and the next day she said she was feeling extremely needy. The day after that, she left.
Me and my ex were getting on fantasticly and planning holidays and gigs to go to. Then one of her oldest friends sadly died and a week later she ended our relationship...with a text!....I didn't get a say in the matter, all I got was, " The romantic vibe had gone"...(What!!? Within a week!!!?) I text her for the next month,maybe too much. But not banging on about "Whyyyyyy!!!?" I was concerned about how SHE was going as she was obviously grieving....(I was hurting too). Could the death have triggered the breakup? I've done no contact since end of March. But did break it last week to send her flowers wishing her well and to enjoy the gig she was looking forward to going to. No Love at the end and no kisses. So....I didn't do anything wrong to cause the breakup and I'm hoping she'll reach out in the future...Even just as a friend as she was so fun to hang out with and had/has an awesome sense of humour.
I can imagine, during these 5 years you weren't great. And the other person suffered with you a lot in solitude, crying eyes out for you and hoping for you to change ..
Find a good homeopath. And seek specialised therapy. You will never improve without doing the work. Or ever have a solid relationship and you have hurt your exes terribly. Women are very vulnerable they are not men.
I got a double whammy.. she treated me like shit for 2 years. She hid me. Wouldn't acknowledge me at all in public. Wouldn't meet my friends, family etc. All while co parenting with the ex without me. And much more. After 2 years of patience i started to blow steam out of frustration.. So I'm now the bad guy for blowing up. Dumps me after a big fight on my birthday and has ghosted me and refuses to answer any calls text.. Nothing. I called a lot trying to get her to talk.. Text videos etc.. Nothing. I even told her through text I'll give her what she wants and disappear. I just ask her not to ghost me and simply give me a good bye. A hug of it isn't too much and I'll go.. Ghosts me.. last i said ok no good bye then. Please take me off your social media then..i feel this is what you wanted. I feel you should take me off. And I'll go in peace and I'll take that as closure and move on.. zero, zilch nothing. So now I'm in one hand pissed off.. And the other hand heart broke and hurt
Welcome to life with a Fearful Avoident. Concider yourself lucky they dumped you, and move on. Trust me, the next time you date someone normal will feel like you won the lottery. Allow yourself to feel the anger towards them they deserve instead of the misplaced sympathy they thrive on. This is a key part of letting go and breaking the chains. They are emotional vampires and have to be treated accordingly.
Told "I don't want to see you anymore", didn't have to be hit over the head with a board, she called me 32 years ago, that's the age of our alleged daughter......
Very often they don't know what's going on with themselves and even if they do the strong emotions and fear and shame often paralyzes them. They're in fight or flight mode and just trying to survive.
No empathy. Cut it off, the love, even if it’s become part of you. Don’t drown. They’ve made a mistake because of their trauma? What about YOUR trauma? Leave it be. Best of luck.
Why is it that my ex boyfriend, a fearful avoidant, views me as the enemy when he was the one who hurt me and broke up with me? I’ve only ever wanted to support and love him, so he can be happy. Why is it that I still wish him the best despite what he’s done? Is there something wrong with me?
We should learn from them we have a problem wanting always to be in contact with other people we feel bad without the other they are more healthy than us im going to learn from them we have to start a So to détache from people
This is so weird to me. I’m FA and I relate so much to the running away. I guess I always think of myself as anxiously attached, but I guess that’s more internal. The more I watch avoidant videos, I see al of my avoidance. I get overwhelmed and I feel suffocated and I have to get out when I’m dating someone. It sucks. I’ve just stopped trying to date altogether.
Let him back twice. Although he tried his best to change he couldn't help himself in stressful situations or moving forward with the relationship. He even tried to reconnect after the third discard but I had to let him go. The affect of this kind of relationship on mental health is too much. Not worth it even if I still love him madly.
I’m a FA & have offered space to someone who I believe to be a DA & he didn’t want it. But me being an avoidant of sorts need it myself. I guess I just don’t understand why he didn’t want it when offered but want to take it at other times w/o communicating it.
Tbh, I know this will sound AP as hell, but I think one of the main reasons avoidants "take space" is really just to test the waters on other people. My FA ex did this to me the first time she discarded me. She told me she was "too busy with work for dating/relationships" and "wasn't emotionally available" and then after 3 months of NC, reached out to me and started hitting me up again. After like a week of talking, she slipped and accidentally admitted to going on several dates with a guy that was in her DMs the entire time that her and I dated, but then was like "don't worry, it was super awkward and we had absolutely zero chemistry and decided it would be best if we just remained friends." She also told me the before the first discard "ew he's gross, I'd never date him, ever. he's a fucking loser" etc. Funny enough, one month into our second attempt at dating, she pulled the EXACT same lines of "I'm too busy with work for a relationship" and "I'm not emotionally available" the morning that she was leaving for a "work trip" on the other side of the country (this was 2 weeks ago) and then tells me to "respect her needs and request for space" IE "please don't text me when I'm around this other guy I'm visiting." She told me she was going to be home on a set date, then texts me that day and is like "I've decided to stay a few more days, but I'll call you when I get back." I didn't even waste her time, I just said "don't even bother" and while she was typing out her reply to that, I blocked HER. I wish i could see how much she punched the air knowing she didn't get the last word like she always had in the past, but I have to say that blocking her felt like lancing an infected, puss filled wound in that the idea was intimidating at first, but it took so much pressure off me in the end that even my coworkers have noted how happy/smiley and full of energy I've been at work the last 2 weeks.
This is happening now to me. We were so good. Until he felt like he isn't in his self. Like whats going on?. Until he said he needed a slow down, little break coz he is overwhelmed but wanted to still connect like thro text. Since we are long distance relationship. Its i dont know... It hurts a bit... Gave him a chance and then this?! He has a lot of doubt fear and i don't know what else... Im moving forward...
when they take space they realise nothing. No remorse whatsoever with my ex. I am slowly trying to let go - it will take many months to get over them. They have no regrets and they never loved me at all. It was just the benefits they wanted when they were bored and lonely. No doubt they won't take the time to think about it anyway - they monkey branch so they don't have to feel anything. They came back once but this time they will leave permanently so that will make it easier to just forget them with time and therapy.
So they take a lust break for you when you’re done ☑️ So they take a lust break from you when your done ☑️ so they find lustful for each of us but then they’re like 👍
This is all well and good, but it's just yet another video from the perspective that it's the avoidant who did the dumping. I'm the one that dumps avoidants because their complex world of BS, dysfunction, and FWBs has already destroyed them with so much baggage that it no longer matters if they recover from their daddy issues.
Mine said "Get to know". How do you do that when they have no feelings, cannot express how they feel or string an emotional sentence together, then still suck the energy from you with each passing day. Oh no it's too much effort.
Day 25 since my beloved freaked out. Day 15 of no contact. I miss her every hour. I’ll go to her show 4 weeks from now if she doesn’t contact me but this is a pattern with her. Her therapist is useless. Don’t worry, I’m dating. We had an open relationship anyway.
I have a question, I have a childhood friend that I've known since since we were 5 and 6 years old our families did all kinds of things together. We are 70 healthy and strong. If this is the case with the avoidant dismissive whatever style it is. He has lived with his girlfriend for 15 years. I believe it's out of convenience and obligation. She has an illness it's not terminal. My question is if he is that type. Then why for 15 years is he living with her? They're more like roommates. He said that's all I know. I won't abandon her she's not a bad person.
How long on average do they usually take for space? Are we talking weeks or months? My ex broke up with me 8 months ago but I reached out for 6 of those months, I just wonder if he will ever have a point where he would want to come back or if its gone way to many months now for that to happen
So I Am DA when i got with my gf i expressed to her that sometimes i would need a day to myself to just decompress. But anytime i would express i needed a decompression day she would just use it against me and say your just going to think about leaving me. In reality if i had those days we probably would still be together.
My partner regularly needs to decompress as you say or rest his brain as he says, he used to just go silent for says no reason now he tells me either on day1 or 2,it hurts no less tbh💔 why did you need to decompress from her?
3 massive breakups here same girl. 2 weeksx2 and now 1 month nc from her with over 100 microbreakups. 14:00 I feel it's the opposite with me. I'm FA and crave her, she said she was AP but seems she changed to DA post breakup.
I don't agree that they are unique. The way they are dysfunctional, is almost cookie cutter. Ex. DA have 14 behaviors they exhibit when destroying relationships. My ex did 12 of those behaviors.
@@thewholeyou It's in the book ATTACHED. Here is what I remember: Gaslighting, Breadcrumbing, Ghosting, Bait & Switch, Future Faking, 180 Degree Personality Reversal, Flaw Finding, Idealizing Phantom Ex, Walling off Body Parts During Sex, Walking Away During Discussions/Arguments, Belittling and Demeaning,
@@Cre8Fire34Wow.. this ... I've got to read that book or at least het to know more about these 14 behaviours. It sounds exactly like my (ex?) DA girlfriend indeed. 🧐
"GIRL, JUST LET HIM GO!' I love how 90% of women's relationship advice is converging on telling women to never be in a relationship-unless it's with some imaginary Oprah Winfrey self-help book caricature of an Emotionally Mature Man™ 🤣
if someone leaves and everhting is fine... i would be extremel angry and tel that person to F off.. no matter how much i love them.. i actually would of ran from them years ago.. and found a submissive confident 🤣.
Avoidance funds another avoidance lustful energetic man 👨 and the world 🌍 to come in the way and I have been so grateful ☺️ and you know it will never 👎 stop ✋ but we all have a lot more of this world 🗺️ we can be thankful 🙏 I am here if anyone can do this and you will do this and make the right decisions to do this this time I love 💗 it all so so thank
![Twenty One Pilots - “The Line” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/E2Rj2gQAyPA/mqdefault.jpg)
Book Your 1-on-1 Coaching Session Here
www.katyamorozova.me/single-session/
Héey
No self respecting person is going to sit around and wait for a DA to figure out the fate of your relationship. It’s like they abruptly make an executive decision to dismantle your relationship and your supposed to baby them and care about their feelings when they treat you with total disregard. Now you’re traumatized moving forward.
OMG This!
Omg well said man 💯 this is exactly what I was experiencing.. So better to keep silent
Too soon for this video. Teddy swims 'I can't make you love me'
Song is dope
Love is unconditional
@@patrikbillros In adult relationships love is certainly conditional. There are terms that need to be agreed to.
Its too bad they don’t realize that the trigger is usually about childhood wounds, and you just mirrored that to them, but they tend to blame their upset on you.
Classic AVOIDANT 101
Holy shit this is so true. I’ve saw this so much in my ex
Yep very true. Never again
The term dismissive avoidant just legitimizes these people. They aren't some special psychological category. They're just jerks. Yes, they show a particular behavior set. But we're do not pick it apart and analyze them. We bounce.
Then they get to be angry we have awesome lives without them. Sorry Charlie. Improve yourself or suffer more of the same.
You're not so special that you're above it all and just distant and so very independenTTttT. Youre insecure and messed up. Stop dating and fix yourself. No excuses. :-)
but what is the trigger ?
He needs some space - he can have all the space. Forever.
❤
😂🎉
Awwww you’re so brave!!! 😂😂😂
I finally got space thanjs 😂she is narcissistic
Hahahaah. Yes!!
After learning about attachment styles, I learned that me ex was a DA. She reached out after year and 5 months of no contact. After a few back and forth text and even suggesting that we meet up, I decided to tell her that I didnt want to meet and wished her the best in life. Didn’t get anything after that.
I am no one’s option or backup plan. She had her chance and fumbled the ball when she decided to break up with me. I will not go through that again.
Hell yeah man! My ex is a DA and if she ever comes back it’s a no no matter how great her bjs are!
In my opinion, save yourself and let them go. You’re worth more than that. Value yourself. It will be a game of “tag you’re it” with DA’s. They only think of self, and won’t consider how they’ve made you feel. If they do come back, you will see the pattern and cycle all over again.
Trust me, their behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s all on them.
👌
Maybe I needed to read this bc I fight “must be my fault” feelings every other minute 😕
Sometimes closeness, intimacy or commitment is what drives them away
@@dannycolwell8028 well, let them stay on that island alone.
Well, they should seek treatment and heal before they try to enter into a relationship, including a friendship. They are very emotionally abusive!
I brought up potentially closing the gap in our long distance and suddenly the communication became sparse and then a surprise trip.. overseas! The timing has been bizarre and the communication even MORE sparse. I didn’t give an ultimatum or anything just a conversation where he shared his apprehension and “poof”.. weirdness. It’s really sad.
I wish to thank you them for sharing their opinion and telling them I respect it. End the weirdness, that’s all.
If someone has anything less than “hell yes” energy about me, move along.
I love that! 🙌
They may have “hell yes” energy for you, just not for themselves
HELL NO HEAVEN YES 😉
Wtf? What a weird comment. Thats not what you should expect from a relationship. This sounds like a narvissistic perspective lol you should expect reciprocity and mutuality, not for them to glaze you.
As someone said, it’s usually about them. I know my ex partner loved me deeply but has sadly, at his age, chosen not be self aware nor work on himself and instead runs away to comfort but also great loneliness. He is such a great man in many ways and was so brave. Seeing him behave in such a “cowardly” way at the end was very confusing to see. I wish people had the ability to know change is possible if they are willing to feel their feelings and get help, and make peace with shame for a short time. Life is meant to be enjoyed it’s heartbreaking that people make it into their own living hells.
You described what happened with my ex perfectly. She had ALOT of trauma from her childhood and past relationships such as cheating and heartbreak. Dated this girl for 6 months and I treated her better than any ex prior, I gave this girl love and care but in return she broke my heart.
We had ONE small dispute and she immediately ran from the relationship. She never even formally broke it off with me, didnt try to communicate, she straight ghosted me. Last I heard from her was "I need time, talk when I can" and 2 days later she blocked me on everything.
It's been 3 weeks now and it hasn't gotten easier with how discarded I feel. We even had a trip planned and paid for this Summer and she threw it all away. It's just so cowardly and confusing to me, I couldn't imagine doing this to someone. There were zero cracks or premature signs that she was unhappy with me. I never begged, pleaded, or attempted to go around the block because I literally did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment.
I'll never date someone with trauma like hers again.
I hear you. It's illogical, confusing, frustrating and spins your head, amd hurts. I had something similar but it was more drawn out hot & cold. I've given it up to the universe and focus on myself now. I missed him so much at first but now there is a WONDERFUL peace. I'm going yo manifest a non-avoidant next time ;) Someone who wants committment, loves it and is happy to stay. Good luck, sorry this happened but it's probably a blessing in disguise
I hear you and feel your pain. really sorry to hear this happened to you. I was there too. My story is nearly the same as yours but genders reversed. We were together 7 months. This discard was so sudden, painful and heartbreaking that I needed to seek professional help. But only then I found out how much my attachment style, unresolved childhood traumas and previous ex partner's betrayal played role in my triggers, feelings and emotions during last relationship with avoidant and later in my healing process. I am only gratefull for that last part😉 🙏 I know karma has no expiry date and I will do everything to heal to be able to spot avoidants miles away and don't give a chance to trick me ever again. I wish you loads of self love💖
One thing Lee - "treated her better than any ex prior". The truth you know is that you treated her better than what she had told you about any ex prior. Why do i say this? Because she will be telling the next person bad stories about you to make him feel like the best she has ever had. This is how modern women whitewash bodycount. "Yes, I had multiple partners in the past but you are so much better because x, y, z."
We also have a trip booked and he pulled out and now I’m left all alone…
@@passerby6168men also lie about how their current love interest is the best they ever have. It's not a woman thing, EVERY guy I've dated has done this unfortunately.
I walked away from an avoidant guy after a month. I can’t deal with the hot and cold. Did I get hurt? Oh yeah. Was I going to stick around for that? Nope.
1 month... I'm an FA and she was AP. I wanted to break things off with her 2 months in and she took it to 4 yrs and 2 months.
I've been dealing with him for one year and 9 months now you're very lucky
@@SpiritualJellyfish ha lucky how so?
I’m only open to a man who is emotionally available.
DA stands for "Definitely Avoid". These people are not worth your time and will continually hurt you, sometimes just for their amusement. It's soul draining in a way you can't imagine. They're very toxic as partners.
True. I don't get why you should be advised how to bend over for them. Its a bit like giving advice about how stay with a narcissist. You can learn to do it but why should you make yourself disappear to be another persons piece of equipment.
My therapist asked me yesterday about my ex's good qualities 😂 frankly the bad qualities are 90% sorry I'm not doing it to belittle him cause that's not who I am as a person but he knows he is the one who doesn't deserve me & is always repeating how "I'm great theres nothing wrong with me, he doesnt think awful things about me" and im like why did u say & did things to shift the blame & now im the phantom ex u will never reach out to cause ur deeply ashamed how much u fumbled
😂🎉👌
🤣🤣🤣 TRUTH
Yeah recently broke up with an avoidant and it wasn't easy as i am anxiously attached. The worst possible match up.
No one deserves to be "loved" by an avoidant. You deserve so much more. 💕
Avoidants fear their "shadows "literally. Walk away it gets worse never better...
Unless therapy is involved
After my fiance moved out twice, suddenly, without conversation or insight, im not letting her back. She can play games with someone else. Im looking for a level of emotional maturity, she obviously is incapable of providing.
Had this issue recently, no prior issues or major arguments…got up one day while visiting my country and changed his flight. Took 3 months to then break up with me with no logical explanation. The kicker is that after trying to reach out to me a few times since the breakup, the reasons always kept changing but were still illogical and erratic…but makes perfect sense to him. I can’t deal with emotional instability because it means I can’t depend on you when times get tough…which it inevitably will.
Stay strong. You deserve better.
If they aren't emotionally available then why do they date? If they are just gonna dump you?? There are always issues in relationships....if they aren't able to commit....then why.....
To feel validation for the time being. But once the honeymoon phase ends though is when their fears get triggered.
Validation, attention on child level and just...they fear being worse, left out since there's social pressure to have a relationship otherwise one is called "the odd one"
They have a desire for love and intimacy like most people. They just get scared when they actually get it.
Logic doesn’t work when you are triggered. It’s full on fight or flight.
Where did their emotions go? I don't understand that overly used term " emotionally unavailable ". Wouldn't emotionally immature or unstable be more apt.
@@pharoahhamilton7076 I mean I was just told "i didn't get butterflies anymore" and that was it it's like they just chase the honeymoon phase and once it's over they are done it's a
BS excuse in my opinion
Ex was a avoidant, I'll never deal with an advoidant again
When he needs to " take space " putting me in the holding tank , in my world, it's a wrap.
I choose me over anyone else, especially when they are emotionally dysfunctional. Not worth my precious time or mental health ❤
How are they emotionally unavailable? They have emotions.. they just sound immature and chaotic.
Once they start to get close, they pull away.
My DA GF also thought that taking space will make things better ugh
It's understandable to offload the relationship to make their life more manageable though...
But damn, she made 0 effort to communicate it.
Now we gotta wait til the DA feel comfortable again? that's TOXIC af 🙄
use the 'space' time to move the hell on!
@@chiaraA. Yeah it's probably what the DA is thinking too because subconsciously they feel they're not good enough and are scared of their partners breaking up so they do it first 🤷
Yep, juat broke up with an avoidant, each time i asked what happened? What did go wrong, all questions were ignored, 0 explanations given and when i tried to give her space she was mad i was ignoring her messages... 😂
Got to move on :)
This comment section is the rhetoric that keeps me feeling hopeless as a DA who's tried to seek help.
Something to think about is that there are a lot of hurt people in the comment section. And unfortunately most people when they say "dismissive avoidant" what they're really referring to is the "one" person who hurt them and not the attachment style. People find peace in labels initially and eventually those same labels end up keeping them stuck in a cycle of blame without actual resolution. So keep your head up. Everyone has their own achilles heel.
Go on with your life. They don’t deserve your energy or love. I made the mistake of letting mine come back a few times and, now, he just thinks he can run and come back when he misses me. Not anymore. Over it. It’s beyond immature and lazy. I’ve already talked to him about his childhood experiences affecting his romantic relationships. He just refuses to do anything about it. It truly feels like I’m dealing with a child. Not attractive
You are dealing with a child. All this stuff is essentially emotional dysregulation and emotional immaturity. I don't bother with all the labels. It's a wound and a failure to grow up emotionally. They are truly fearful people deep down. To be honest so much of the population is like this now. And tech has made easier to retreat and misbehave.
This lady is on point! She nailed my entire breakup perfectly...so perfect that it's starting to make me dislike all my friends who question attachment styles. Everything Katya says was exactly what my DA ex was thinking.
If you are seeing this comments, dont try to reason with an avoidant, i have dated 5 avoidants in my life and all they do is lie, manipulate and blame everything on you, immediately you notice a slight miss communication just back away no matter the love you have for them, you are not here to heal someone Let them do it themselves if they want a relationship.
It's amazing how accurately this describes relationships. From her explanation the avoidant people are not getting therapy but this growing awareness is going to help everyone. Being an avoidant doesn't make them intentionally cruel my avoidant was warm and intensely loving when present, then gone for long periods, so those of us that are anxious must also be aware to avoid harming ourselves. Before these attachment styles were explained I really didn't grasp what I had been doing for years being attracted to someone unavailable which is also a handy way to avoid real intimacy. My friends pointed this out but I didn't understand the magnetism or chemistry between the two both needing each other but with childhood insecurities getting in the way. The anxious ones probably have a better opportunity to grow out of it since they are aware and seeking help. I also wonder if by doing awareness training and be present in the moment we learn to let go of the worry and let it unfold, but also on a subconscious level we stop seeking out things that take us away from that pleasant state of mind.
In my situation, I’m assuming my Ex was a Fa because I know she was all in our 2 year relationship. Living together too. Towards the end, she was closed off and not expressing her emotions like she used too and it bothered me. Then when 2024 hit, her previous fling from years ago passed away. Things started changing and she started smoking again. With work being stressful, and the responsibilities of a mother of 3 I started to see it unfold. My intuition was telling me something was up. My anxious side started to get triggered and she broke the relationship into pieces on Feb 4th… moved out two days later and said “ I lost myself “ and that it wasn’t me. She wanted a “break” and even afterwards she would still text and let me know she loved me and she misses me and then asks for no contact. WTH! She asked to be friends and I set my boundaries with letting her know, I don’t do the friends deal…. I only want a romantic relationship. I’m still spinning but getting help and keeping myself occupied with gym.
Avoidant Peeps are deserving of love but they run from it. Hurt people, hurt people. They gotta a lot of work to do to break out of that cycle. I’m moving back to secure attachment because right now, I need love for myself. My kids need me to show them that chasing ain’t going to solve nothing in my case. I would be strong for them because they seek me for navigation through conflict.
@xflow112 You handled the situation beautifully. I am majorly impressed. Do your healing then get back to being you. You sound fabulous -- intuitive, empathetic, and secure. You will find someone that can give you everything you deserve.
9 out of 10 Avoidant make those same vague excuses to breakup and connect with someone else. This is patterns of behavior and their relationship with people all based on sex. Never communicate,
I just wrote a hard hitting letter and mailed it to my DA ex. If no one ever calls these narcissists out - their chaos and pain traveling tours will continue.
It wasn't a " I want you back" thing. It was a " you're toxic and in denial and bleeding all over everyone around you- time to wake up as to why you are so despised" type of thing.
Just because they are avoidants they are narcissistic. It's a trauma not just being a dick
Avoidant and narcissist is two very different things. Don’t mix them up.
@@henrikpetersson3463 good luck getting that through to most of these jokers. Because they were hurt by someone that is probably an avoidant they have to jump to make them the villain and call them narcissistic. They have no idea what they are even talking about or why they are different. All that matters is they are bad and "I" am good. It's embarrassing to people who truly are avoidant
@@henrikpetersson3463 Yep, an avoidant will even feel worse after such an email, because they constantly feel guilty for how they treat people. It will probably make them less likely to open up for the next person. A narcissist will not even read the message or stop reading the second they see a single negative word in it.
Wow. And you sound like a gem yourself. Nothing like sending a letter to someone telling them what a POS you think they are, denying them of any ability to confront you about it. And are they really “so despised”? If you’re that hurt that you feel the need to try to bring them down, I doubt they are despised…by anyone but you.
And as others have stated, Avoidant and Narcissistic are NOT the same.
He already has a new lady in his life not even a month after breaking up with me. He had the nerve to tell me that she's more grateful than i was, the one who was beside him for 4 years. He won't be back. Hes a jerk. I feel so hurt.
I'm so sorry. That's such an invalidating thing to feel and experience. Please try to not take it personally. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. If nothing else, however "grateful" she is right now, what you are currently feeling, experiencing, regretting, etc? That's her future too.
I’m telling you that woman is unhappy inside and is too scared to bring it up to his egotistical self. She will stay but only until she can’t take it anymore and he will either have to face himself or be utterly confused as to why she left him.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head with this one. When I wasn’t interested in the avoidant he kept finding reasons to talk to me. The second I started initiating conversation or eye contact he started wearing sunglasses and literally avoiding me. Made me feel confused like something was wrong with me. Ha! Now I see the problem is with him. Thanks for the video.
Guys-if you are dealing with an avoidant-be happy they are avoiding you!They play way too many head games and the second you show interest they want nothing to do with you
What about other factors such as an aware avoidant who realises that the breakup was due to poorly managed attachment behaviour(from both parties) and also, when that special x-factor ingredient is involved, a genuine love for each other.
My slightly avoidant partner brokeup with me over attachment clash, I went through something that made me extremely anxious and emotionally dependant on her, which made her go full avoidant mode and pull away, and of course feed my anxiety until she had to break it. Our dynamic was always very secure, no push pull behaviours, until we hit some turbulence.
But, she reached out after 4 months, I felt like she would because I know how good the relationship was. I know that if we keep in check and manage our behaviours we’ll have a secure dynamic.
If they are willing to go to therapy, that might help
Well, I think he is a DA. He finally said he loves me, then got too busy with life to interact with me, and then only spoke to me once in August and maybe three times in September. What the absolute hell. He wants my love for so long, then once he has it, he vanishes. Thanks for the broken heart. Again.
Im 62, ive been in at least 20 relationships since 9th grade.
At age 60 i met and fell in love with a gorgeous 54 y.o. asian woman. Skin and figure were silk and petite. Not only that, her persona and disposition melted my heart. I loved her fer 18 months but kept my cool. In the time we were together, she revealed red flags that i never gave any warning too. From age 5 to 9 her older sister molested her orally and made her do the same. Her korean parents blamed her and emotionally abandoned her due to their shame. Years of horrible relationships later, i come along, fall in love tell her i love her after 3 months, and get dumped replaced and ghosted in 24hrs time. Its now been six months and not a word. This story took so long to write that i forgot my point. Oh wait, i remember now. I was gonna say at 60 i experienced my first FA/DA and after watching all the youtube videos i have to wonder if its a new phenomena. Im heartbroken thats for sure.
Getting dumped and ghosted is awesome....not
New subscriber here. my question is: if they are so uncomfortable with a relationship and "hyper-independent", then why pursue it in the first place? My DA tried to convince me to become close to him even though I never asked him to, and then took space (after saying how happy he was to see me) without giving any reasons.
Lack of self-love. Insecurity at it's finest. You are a tool for validation and nothing more.
Same! Why pursue it?
This is exactly what happened here. What was suppose to be casual … lead it into something else and I fell for it… when I let my entire wall down is when he just pulled the rug from under
Great question! Let me consider and possibly put in a video.
Same here.. it's disturbing@@Pinkyxohx
They are too much...i need my sanity
I cut ties with a dismissive avoidant for a number of reasons. I still deeply care about this person but didn't want to reconnect and reopen the attachment wound of shocking them with my comeback. It took them 1.5 years to drop me a message. As you'd expect, it's incredibly short and vague and hides the real reason why they reached out. I replied in the same way but they're avoiding opening the message. The problem is, DAs reach out when they feel that they can be vulnerable (e.g. on alcohol or drugs) but then retreat and, likely, regret making that move. It's very frustrating but it's best to be educated on their behaviour so that it doesn't take a toll on you. If they don't demonstrate signs of change, like reflection, it's a dead end. I'm patiently waiting to find out what things will be like in my situation.
The avoidant I am in a relationship with have agreed to a 40 day break, not because the relationship was breaking down, but it was going too well. Yes she is scared of intimacy. It wasn’t a sudden knee jerk reaction, we had been planning this break for 2 months. It’s possible she might not return and it’s possible she will and then go into another period of separation. I am at peace with this, as I am not attaching any emotion to the outcome. I hope for best and prepare for the worse.
Okay…so I repeatedly get into relationships with DA’s. However I’ve noticed that I am uncomfortable with someone who wants to be with me too much. I am more comfortable with DA’s because I feel like I have space. But don’t like it when I’m dropped like a hot potato! I like space within a relationship. Not sure how to find that. A day or three space is fine. Just not weeks or months. 🤷♀️
Don't think mine is coming back in that case then, had one argument over the phone & that was it. Blamed me for everything wrong in the relationship, had a list of things I had done that were apparently 'High Conflict' behaviors spanning over 4 months & broke up with me via text a week later. Kept all my stuff that I have at her house, blocked me on all Social Media & then unblocked me only on FB 5 days later.
That was a month ago now, doubt I will ever hear from here again & tbh don't even really care even though I love her so much & really do miss her. Wasted 17months of my time in a one side relationship. Never will I ignore the red flags & date someone with so much past Trauma ever again! The damage she has done to me after all that I have selflessly done for her & her daughter will never be forgiven.
The conments here are so informative and remarkable!
My asking for reassurance made him take space for five days then he called but my sadness couldn’t answer
Speaking of tools, the Avoidant lacks any to maintain a healthy long term relationship.
@@G0oNi.E The DA I was getting to know had been married over a decade. However, the marriage was dissolved. I wonder how their marriage sustained the personality of a DA. Whew!!!!
@@katrrinawilson6609 The other party was most likely an anxious avoidant.
Fact. 🎯
They shouldn't date then. Especially blaming everything on the other person.
I am disorganised attached, so i can understand his avoidant side a bit, but he is extreme and i have the fearful part as well, so its hell for me at one hand and i get it , on the other hand.
Its a rollercoaster but despite the painful stuf we are still Loving each other. And out of the painful stuff i got my lessons and so far my life changed for the better..
I can't go back for my own good, people will think i really gone mad.
But but but.... We saw eachother again today for the first time in a month ( oke, video call,) and we both looked at eachother with so much warmth and fondness , there is no denying what we feel for each other..
We still have hope, i know i do.
It was beautifull. ❤
Limerence. Lust. Not love. If you ever get together officially for any considerable amount of time, the fantasy bond will wear off. Be careful. You have been warned.
It’s not going to last, YOU BOTH are unhealthy and need therapy.
It’s been three months. Our relationship was great! It was on the cusp of moving to the next level. I was about to meet her kids, but her abusive ex husband was making her life hell and was already gaslighting the kids. I don’t know if she’ll come back or not.
If it's been 3 months and she hasn't contacted you once, it's over man let it go. You don't want someone like that back anyway
@@LeeEverett1 it’s only been a month of no contact at all. We had a couple of interactions in the first two months. She even reached out to my boss and expressed interest in coming back to work with me part time.
@BruceJC75 Mine came back 10 months later, hadn't changed mind, but they always come back (as long as the connections there).
What she's doing at the moment is indirectly trying to communicate with you.
Reaching out to a third party to see you is definitely a sign she wants contact, but fears will still be playing out... So, live your life from here. If she circles back, it's your decision
So for what reason should someone who is not avoidant keep standing by for the avoidant. I lived with one for 3 years. He left me twice.
First time he DID come back but only to be able to hold me an arms length away. After that I knew.he could and would leave me any minute of I did not behave exactly the way he wanted me to.
Once he said to me: I have never met anyone else who has been so good at letting me be me.
But he did not let me be me.
So why on earth should I stay with an avoidant or wait when he leaves? Maybe he will return but he will not change.
So why why why?
Run...
What they realise it’s that they can and will move on to the next one.. easy just like that
According to this, I’m the avoidant. I’m on day 6 of no contact of a stressful relationship. I have no regrets
I have experienced a lot of hurt in my life. Now in my mid 40-s with a frozen nervous system. I have let go of love. I can only work on healing myself now.
Same here..
My avoidant ex dumped me a week after her long term friend passed away...(until that point we laughed all the time, had so much fun together and we even said we loved each other....However, her friends death was so sad. Within a week he'd been admitted to a hospice...got married...and passed away the day after.
The next week my girlfriend ended our relationship by text. She won't talk to me and has even blocked me. Initially, I'd text her, not banging on about the relationship too much, but saying how sorry I was about her friend and if tgere was anything I could do, to let me know.
Could the death have triggered her avoidant behaviour? If she reached out, I'd take things ultra slow and work with her to make her feel better. I just wanna give her a happy life.
WOW!!! Same here
My “boyfriend” and I we’re having so much fun daily( laughing, kissing, telling each other we love one another) and his father was in hospital for 3 months. We talked every morning and he kept me updated on his dad.
His dad passed on Jan 25th, and that was the end. He came over to tell me his dad passed and I hugged him and gave my condolences, and he lightly pushed me away and even said..”I don’t mean to push you away but I have to go and check on my mother.”
He stopped calling and responded to my texts since. I felt some type of way!
I wrote him a letter on Feb.6 telling him I will give him space to grieve his dad and I won’t be calling him since he wasn’t responding to my calls anyway…
He ghosted me… He popped up at my house on May 8th from Feb 6 and said he was sorry. No explanation or anything… He did not say one word on why I haven’t heard from him in literally 3 months. He was talking like we on so in love and he is ready to marry me….
I’m looking like..” This mf is crazy… I did research and dismissive avoidant popped up and he has checked the boxes on each video and therapist I have heard.
And I swear……He just called my phone why I was typing this!!! OMG. I just hung up on that crazy ass man!! Lord I swear I thank God it happened like this!
My advice to you and myself is “Run for the hills and don’t look back! We are not psychotherapists for these crazy mf’s!!
Bless you🖐🏽🖐🏽💯💯
@@verasmith1900Crazy story, Vera
@@verasmith1900 Good luck for the future
Please ask yourself this question: Do I want to be in a relationship with a partner that takes off running every time X occurs? The X can be anything: the death of a friend or family member, time to move in together, you ask them to go on vacation with you, it's time for them to meet your family and friends, someone makes an offhand remark about how good you two are together and how close you are, a pregnancy occurs, a child is born, you two have a minor disagreement, you give feedback that they take as criticism, their work is stressful, etc. You get the idea. This is what it is like with an Avoidant. ANYTHING can (and will) trigger them and they won't discuss it with you, they -- POOF -- simply disappear. You will be walking on eggshells 24 hours a day, every day. I don't know about you, but I want a partner that sticks around, not one that bolts. And I don't want one that is triggered by every little thing life puts in their path.
@@deb_diarieswow. I needed to read this. Thank you 🙏
I didn't know I said a hell yes to a DA.. Which quickly became a hell no.
After watching all these videos and understanding that I was in a losing battle against a childhood trauma with my DA ex, I don't see a point in waiting on her to process in order to try fix things. It's just way too much effort and pain just to then be met with unappreciation and uncertainty with a high likelihood of getting dumped again because they're not ok in the head. If they could admit to their incorrect coping mechanisms and do work to change as a value proposition in order to rebuild what they destroyed all by themselves, sure. But we all know that's a fantasy in most cases and congrats to those that had that as a reality.
There is also the shame of having to admit that they were wrong and acknowledging how much they hurt you in the process. They are actively avoiding that feeling all the time. Uphill battle is an understatement.
Yes! Yes! Yes! You are abundantly wise.
Thank you for sharing, this is a helpful way to look at things so as not to default to wanting the person back just because of the abruptness of the loss (only to not actually have anything change and then have it happen again)
They do have legitimate brain damage. Speaking based on research not opinion. Yea they need to be willing to heal 🤷
I went through three back to back relationships with avoidants. Oh my god, never again. Currently so happy to be single! But also grateful im not the dane person; I deserve more than some confused avoidant. I've done the work and continue to do the work. I deserve someone who's done the same 🙏🏼💫
Thank you Katya. Self reflection, what was my unhealthy role in the reason for her to leave. I have to be fully accountable and correct my inadequacies.
Thank you for posting this. Couple months ago for the second time my avoidant dismissive ex-boyfriend went from having plans that night with me to not having plans anymore. In this process, I've learned a lot about myself and my childhood trauma that have led for me to self-discover my attachment style. That's also very helpful to understand what he may be feeling or going through.. it's helped me accept the breakup as a blessing for both of us. It's just not the right time.
Hello Katya. I just subscribed after watching two of your videos. There are so many channels to choose from on this subject. Expertise is essential, plus you have a natural ability to articulate with clarity. I will watch more of your videos daily and consider a session with you.
I hate to say it this way but here it is. I worked over her G spot and the next day she said she was feeling extremely needy. The day after that, she left.
Me and my ex were getting on fantasticly and planning holidays and gigs to go to. Then one of her oldest friends sadly died and a week later she ended our relationship...with a text!....I didn't get a say in the matter, all I got was, " The romantic vibe had gone"...(What!!? Within a week!!!?)
I text her for the next month,maybe too much. But not banging on about "Whyyyyyy!!!?" I was concerned about how SHE was going as she was obviously grieving....(I was hurting too). Could the death have triggered the breakup? I've done no contact since end of March. But did break it last week to send her flowers wishing her well and to enjoy the gig she was looking forward to going to.
No Love at the end and no kisses.
So....I didn't do anything wrong to cause the breakup and I'm hoping she'll reach out in the future...Even just as a friend as she was so fun to hang out with and had/has an awesome sense of humour.
Once the dismissive avoidant takes space, if they're emotionally detached, they're bound to cheat on their EX. Is this accurate?
How do you tell an avoidant, that theyre an avoidant without triggering their sensitivity
I'm an avoidant and just lost a 5 year relationship due to this.
I can imagine, during these 5 years you weren't great. And the other person suffered with you a lot in solitude, crying eyes out for you and hoping for you to change ..
@EffinAllTheTime sadly this is probably true. I've pushed her away and I'm suffering is the truth
Find a good homeopath. And seek specialised therapy. You will never improve without doing the work. Or ever have a solid relationship and you have hurt your exes terribly. Women are very vulnerable they are not men.
They might realize it, but they’ll also do it over & over again! Which leaves you feeling like an idiot for taking them back!
I got a double whammy.. she treated me like shit for 2 years. She hid me. Wouldn't acknowledge me at all in public. Wouldn't meet my friends, family etc. All while co parenting with the ex without me. And much more. After 2 years of patience i started to blow steam out of frustration.. So I'm now the bad guy for blowing up. Dumps me after a big fight on my birthday and has ghosted me and refuses to answer any calls text.. Nothing. I called a lot trying to get her to talk.. Text videos etc.. Nothing. I even told her through text I'll give her what she wants and disappear. I just ask her not to ghost me and simply give me a good bye. A hug of it isn't too much and I'll go.. Ghosts me.. last i said ok no good bye then. Please take me off your social media then..i feel this is what you wanted. I feel you should take me off. And I'll go in peace and I'll take that as closure and move on.. zero, zilch nothing. So now I'm in one hand pissed off.. And the other hand heart broke and hurt
Welcome to life with a Fearful Avoident. Concider yourself lucky they dumped you, and move on. Trust me, the next time you date someone normal will feel like you won the lottery. Allow yourself to feel the anger towards them they deserve instead of the misplaced sympathy they thrive on. This is a key part of letting go and breaking the chains. They are emotional vampires and have to be treated accordingly.
Told "I don't want to see you anymore", didn't have to be hit over the head with a board, she called me 32 years ago, that's the age of our alleged daughter......
Did you answer why the dismissive avoidant can't communicate what's going on with them? You touched on it but I don't think you actually answered it.
Very often they don't know what's going on with themselves and even if they do the strong emotions and fear and shame often paralyzes them. They're in fight or flight mode and just trying to survive.
@@MudpuppyjuniorFreeze trauma response
No empathy. Cut it off, the love, even if it’s become part of you. Don’t drown. They’ve made a mistake because of their trauma? What about YOUR trauma? Leave it be. Best of luck.
Why is it that my ex boyfriend, a fearful avoidant, views me as the enemy when he was the one who hurt me and broke up with me? I’ve only ever wanted to support and love him, so he can be happy. Why is it that I still wish him the best despite what he’s done? Is there something wrong with me?
That’s the exact disease of narcissism that’s why it’s so confusing
Everyone keeps explianing what an avoidant is. We know. We need to know best way to navagate with one.
There is no navigation. You aren't supposed to be with them.
I am so happy to be out of my avoidant relationship, jesus what an annoying puzzle
We should learn from them we have a problem wanting always to be in contact with other people we feel bad without the other they are more healthy than us im going to learn from them we have to start a
So to détache from people
This is so weird to me. I’m FA and I relate so much to the running away. I guess I always think of myself as anxiously attached, but I guess that’s more internal. The more I watch avoidant videos, I see al of my avoidance. I get overwhelmed and I feel suffocated and I have to get out when I’m dating someone. It sucks. I’ve just stopped trying to date altogether.
I've been waiting so long man
Let him back twice. Although he tried his best to change he couldn't help himself in stressful situations or moving forward with the relationship. He even tried to reconnect after the third discard but I had to let him go. The affect of this kind of relationship on mental health is too much. Not worth it even if I still love him madly.
I’m a FA & have offered space to someone who I believe to be a DA & he didn’t want it. But me being an avoidant of sorts need it myself. I guess I just don’t understand why he didn’t want it when offered but want to take it at other times w/o communicating it.
Because he wasn’t triggered at the moment you offered it?
@ yup. Lots of people are confused by their behavior especially when they don’t communicate. It’s pretty common.
Tbh, I know this will sound AP as hell, but I think one of the main reasons avoidants "take space" is really just to test the waters on other people.
My FA ex did this to me the first time she discarded me. She told me she was "too busy with work for dating/relationships" and "wasn't emotionally available" and then after 3 months of NC, reached out to me and started hitting me up again. After like a week of talking, she slipped and accidentally admitted to going on several dates with a guy that was in her DMs the entire time that her and I dated, but then was like "don't worry, it was super awkward and we had absolutely zero chemistry and decided it would be best if we just remained friends." She also told me the before the first discard "ew he's gross, I'd never date him, ever. he's a fucking loser" etc.
Funny enough, one month into our second attempt at dating, she pulled the EXACT same lines of "I'm too busy with work for a relationship" and "I'm not emotionally available" the morning that she was leaving for a "work trip" on the other side of the country (this was 2 weeks ago) and then tells me to "respect her needs and request for space" IE "please don't text me when I'm around this other guy I'm visiting." She told me she was going to be home on a set date, then texts me that day and is like "I've decided to stay a few more days, but I'll call you when I get back." I didn't even waste her time, I just said "don't even bother" and while she was typing out her reply to that, I blocked HER.
I wish i could see how much she punched the air knowing she didn't get the last word like she always had in the past, but I have to say that blocking her felt like lancing an infected, puss filled wound in that the idea was intimidating at first, but it took so much pressure off me in the end that even my coworkers have noted how happy/smiley and full of energy I've been at work the last 2 weeks.
This is happening now to me. We were so good. Until he felt like he isn't in his self. Like whats going on?. Until he said he needed a slow down, little break coz he is overwhelmed but wanted to still connect like thro text. Since we are long distance relationship. Its i dont know... It hurts a bit... Gave him a chance and then this?! He has a lot of doubt fear and i don't know what else... Im moving forward...
My ex was so relieved she slept with someone immediately after we broke up…lol
Lmao that's a deadweight out of your life bro now you're lighter and ready to shine
Very good video !! Good job!
Thank you! 😊
when they take space they realise nothing. No remorse whatsoever with my ex. I am slowly trying to let go - it will take many months to get over them. They have no regrets and they never loved me at all. It was just the benefits they wanted when they were bored and lonely.
No doubt they won't take the time to think about it anyway - they monkey branch so they don't have to feel anything. They came back once but this time they will leave permanently so that will make it easier to just forget them with time and therapy.
So they take a lust break for you when you’re done ☑️
So they take a lust break from you when your done ☑️ so they find lustful for each of us but then they’re like 👍
This is all well and good, but it's just yet another video from the perspective that it's the avoidant who did the dumping. I'm the one that dumps avoidants because their complex world of BS, dysfunction, and FWBs has already destroyed them with so much baggage that it no longer matters if they recover from their daddy issues.
wow
Ironically, this makes them idealize the hell out of you.
@@vettie True, but all too late. See "phantom ex".
@@TheHighwinderwill google that term
Thank you for this. Super astute
Mine said "Get to know". How do you do that when they have no feelings, cannot express how they feel or string an emotional sentence together, then still suck the energy from you with each passing day. Oh no it's too much effort.
She treated me terribly. We're over. I'm done. Same would be true if she contacts me.
What if they push you away after intimacy with false accusations out of fear of rejection ? Do they normally come back?
Day 25 since my beloved freaked out. Day 15 of no contact. I miss her every hour. I’ll go to her show 4 weeks from now if she doesn’t contact me but this is a pattern with her. Her therapist is useless. Don’t worry, I’m dating. We had an open relationship anyway.
108 days no contact wtf she thinking she dumped me before I had books to see her ldr
I have a question, I have a childhood friend that I've known since since we were 5 and 6 years old our families did all kinds of things together. We are 70 healthy and strong. If this is the case with the avoidant dismissive whatever style it is. He has lived with his girlfriend for 15 years. I believe it's out of convenience and obligation. She has an illness it's not terminal. My question is if he is that type. Then why for 15 years is he living with her? They're more like roommates. He said that's all I know. I won't abandon her she's not a bad person.
Ex switched from AP to DA after breakup. 28 days no contact
Is their motto “my way or the highway?”
How long on average do they usually take for space? Are we talking weeks or months?
My ex broke up with me 8 months ago but I reached out for 6 of those months, I just wonder if he will ever have a point where he would want to come back or if its gone way to many months now for that to happen
So I Am DA when i got with my gf i expressed to her that sometimes i would need a day to myself to just decompress. But anytime i would express i needed a decompression day she would just use it against me and say your just going to think about leaving me. In reality if i had those days we probably would still be together.
Have you ever thought of going into therapy ... that will help you... just saying😉 you're writing as if your GF has a problem... you have a problem.
My partner regularly needs to decompress as you say or rest his brain as he says, he used to just go silent for says no reason now he tells me either on day1 or 2,it hurts no less tbh💔 why did you need to decompress from her?
Is it really just one day? Or does it turn into weeks or months?
3 massive breakups here same girl. 2 weeksx2 and now 1 month nc from her with over 100 microbreakups. 14:00 I feel it's the opposite with me. I'm FA and crave her, she said she was AP but seems she changed to DA post breakup.
I don't agree that they are unique. The way they are dysfunctional, is almost cookie cutter. Ex. DA have 14 behaviors they exhibit when destroying relationships. My ex did 12 of those behaviors.
Whats the 14 behaviors or link to it I wanna see how many my ex has
@@thewholeyou It's in the book ATTACHED. Here is what I remember: Gaslighting, Breadcrumbing, Ghosting, Bait & Switch, Future Faking, 180 Degree Personality Reversal, Flaw Finding, Idealizing Phantom Ex, Walling off Body Parts During Sex, Walking Away During Discussions/Arguments, Belittling and Demeaning,
@@Cre8Fire34Wow.. this ... I've got to read that book or at least het to know more about these 14 behaviours. It sounds exactly like my (ex?) DA girlfriend indeed. 🧐
Do they do this in situationships too? Cause she been gone for like 2 weeks already and we had a good connection then acted hot and cold
So I'll never hear from him then...he said we aren't compatible
"GIRL, JUST LET HIM GO!'
I love how 90% of women's relationship advice is converging on telling women to never be in a relationship-unless it's with some imaginary Oprah Winfrey self-help book caricature of an Emotionally Mature Man™
🤣
He literally told our mutual friend for me to reach out to him.
if someone leaves and everhting is fine... i would be extremel angry and tel that person to F off.. no matter how much i love them.. i actually would of ran from them years ago.. and found a submissive confident 🤣.
Avoidance funds another avoidance lustful energetic man 👨 and the world 🌍 to come in the way and I have been so grateful ☺️ and you know it will never 👎 stop ✋ but we all have a lot more of this world 🗺️ we can be thankful 🙏 I am here if anyone can do this and you will do this and make the right decisions to do this this time I love 💗 it all so so thank