4 Common Behaviors That Kill Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 1 мар 2023
- Are you tired of struggling to maintain healthy relationships? Do you find yourself repeating the same mistakes over and over again? In this video, we'll explore 4 common behaviors that can kill relationships and provide you with practical tips to avoid them. By the end of this video, you'll have a better understanding of what not to do in your relationships and how to foster healthier connections with the people you care about. So, sit back, relax, and let's dive into the 4 common behaviors that kill relationships.
If you want to learn about five more relationship killing behaviors, check out Part 1 here: • 5 Common Behaviors Tha...
Writer: Stela Košić
Editor: Brie Cerniglia
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Voice Over: Amanda Silvera ( / amandasilvera )
Animator: Cristina B.
RUclips Manager: Cindy Cheong
References:
Estévez, A., Chávez-Vera, M. D., Momeñe, J., Olave, L., Vázquez, D., & Iruarrizaga, I. (2018, August 1). El papel de la dependencia emocional en la relación entre el apego y la conducta impulsiva. Anales De Psicología, 34(3), 438-445. doi.org/10.6018/analesps.34.3.313681
Freedman, G., Burgoon, E. M., Ferrell, J. D., Pennebaker, J. W., & Beer, J. S. (2017, August 11). When Saying Sorry May Not Help: The Impact of Apologies on Social Rejections. Frontiers in Psychology, 8. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01375
Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2021, May 24). Within-Couple Associations Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Over Time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534-549. doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920
McCullough, M. E., Pedersen, E. J., Tabak, B. A., & Carter, E. C. (2014, July 14). Conciliatory gestures promote forgiveness and reduce anger in humans. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 111(30), 11211-11216. doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1405072111
Nimmo, K. (2021, December 16). When Your Partner Loves You - but Micromanages Your Life. Medium. Retrieved September 13, 2022, from medium.com/on-the-couch/when-your-partner-loves-you-but-micromanages-your-life-74e7b780053e
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Thanks psych, these videos make me tell good when I watch them and help me build healthy and great relationships, so don’t stop making videos please! 😊 ❤️
1 - Not apologizing 0:56
2 - codependency 2:18
3 - Unclear communication 3:33
4 - Micromanaging 4:56
Thanks
Some Introverts, especially Isfp, infp, infj, can have troubles with communicating their boundaries and needs. How can they do better? ☺️💝Introvert Shinji Ikari NGE Anime shows how much that internal struggle can feel Like. Hugs. 💝
@@SeelenTaucher I'm an INFJ. If you find out, tell me
@@N00b4qu1 I always come out as either an ISFJ (most of the time) or an INFJ and oh Lord I wish I knew. And along with my need to save people ouch.
@@N00b4qu1 Do U have a hard time understanding yourself? Coz I did on my early days. NF can struggle with "understanding self"
Number 5: peeling off their skin
Number 6 flying a 16 into a children's
Number 7 doing nothing when you r bullied
😂
Number 12: C O C Kroach
Number 8 dumping them
The fact that my boyfriend and I watch these together makes me so happy. Y’all really helped us out ❤.
I'm not romantic but I've had special moments in my life with girls as I used to remember but faded away for good reasons. I used to think of them a lot so I could make my move but that's what I'm scared about. But good for you! I'm glad you can watch these with your bf.
That's so nice
If i even share such videos
She will think that I'm trying to poke her or taunt her (i have never tried it, but i feel she will think like that)
I hope I will watch with him one day😍
My girlfriend of 7 years left me. We were long distance the past 4 years and just couldn’t love each other from afar like we need to. I been so depressed by the breakup I was hospitalized for two days. I’m so disappointed but I realize it wasn’t all my fault.
@@UnxpektedI'm so sorry, that must've been really hard - I'm glad you realized it wasn't your fault and I wish you the best in the future :)
Who's watching this despite not even being in a relationship?
me lol
Just in case I'm ever in one again ❤
Bingo
😂😂
My relationship used to suffer a lot from unclear communication, and honestly, micromanaging is something that I still struggle with internally... I have since learned how to take control of these compulsive desires, but that doesn't mean I still don't find myself dwelling on the little things that people don't do every now and then.... It's honestly difficult not to let those kinds of thoughts consume me, especially if I've already had a rough day to begin with
Same but everytime i wanted to talk he blamed me for everything 🥲 and he never listened
@@verena9911 seek counseling. Sounds like your partner is not being receptive. If they're down playing your feelings or opinions then you shouldn't stick around. Those things can often be toxic behaviors. I hope things get better for you. ❤️
As the person on the other side of this, it's basically just lack of respect. If you respected your significant other, you wouldnt feel compelled to do this. I hope their aren't any children involved in your situation.
@@peterharrell7305i respect my boyfriend a lot but i can’t control the thoughts? it’s part of a mental health disorder that is quite frankly, hard to manage. i love my boyfriend so much but i have trouble micromanaging everything. not because i don’t have any respect for him, but because im like that. i do it with friends and family too. it’s very hard to control and as someone on the other side you need to understand a micromanagers perspective smh
Sometimes you just need to live and let live.
Can’t kill if I can’t create
True 💀
That stings ;-;
The second one is really true for me... I've always felt this feeling of worthlessness whenever I'm not with my partner. Ever since I got into a relationship too, I slowly stopped talking to all of my friends and replying to their texts. Whenever I'm not with my partner, I feel anxiety so intense that I sometimes get panic attacks or auditory hallucinations. Im constantly scared that I might do something to make my partner leave me so I constantly apologize for every thing... and I feel that it only brings us both down when I apologize for everything. I'm unnecessarily clingy and I would sacrifice anything and everything for them. This video really opened my eyes but I don't know what to do to be better, idk what to do to fix this.
Learn Self Love. You have SELF-WORTH! You don't need them as much as you think you do. I too, struggled most of my life with codependency, I am diagnosed with BPD... Please try Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or DBT, also read a book by David Hamilton called "I Love Me", it is a beautiful and calming read to your inner anxiety. You are a Being of Light, my friend, you can do this, you can do anything. You WILL be all right.
@@Valoelify Thank you, this means a lot to me... Thank you so much for ur encouragement,, I'll try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and try to find that book. I'm still unsure but I really hope I can improve myself soon,, Thank you so so much. You're an amazing person.
@@sasakuropyon Aww thank you, so are you.❤️😊
why do think you feel worthlessness and all when you r not with your partner? Is it like you have any childhood trauma?
hi hope you’re doing better! but to whoever is going through something like this, don’t be afraid to take your time and find out things that you love to do on your own! try seeing a therapist and be truly honest with them so they can help you to the best of their ability but keep in mind that having one doesn’t solve your problems, it’s only up to you whether you want to take their advice and make a difference within yourself. also try building something that isn’t dependent on your partner, just yourself. lastly, take time to reflect upon yourself, start taking the time to manage your emotions. if you know your partner loves you and wants what’s best for you, the change wont affect them whatsoever, if they’re going through the same codependency such as yourself, advise them to also try to straighten themselves out. you’ll see how much happier you will be. it’s super worth it.
It's easy to have a good marriage when things are going well. But learning to work TOGETHER through the hard stuff without blaming each other is what we've found is key. We've also learned to express what we are looking for. The best way for that is "Lovify" couple game. In this game, we have to guess each others expectations. Been 7 Years & we still put efforts to understand each other better 💞
Y’all still together?😊
Jesus Christ loves u 🙏🏽❤️he died n rose again for ur forgiveness
How did you do it? How do you express yourself without blaming your person? I struggled with that and I especially struggle with my tone. I am really unaware of how my behaviour affects him in the difficult moment. How do you become self aware in a fight? Or at least to remain respectful
For everybody who has asked out their crush and been rejected, I feel you. But you still did an incredibly brave thing, and I'm proud of you. I promise things will work out.
Video is amazing Psych2Go! Topics Below:
1. Partners unintentionally hurting one another and avoiding an apology. 1:00
2. Being overly attached and dependent on your partner. 2:18
3. Poor communication, or lack of clear communication. 3:34
4. Micromanaging. 4:56
Thx buddy 😄👍🏿😊
@@bethanienaylor Of course! How are you doing lately?
Me: confesses to my crush knowing I'll be rejected 👍
@@buddy3635 hope you're doing alright today
@@bethanienaylor I am doing a little better, but I'll crash and burn come Monday and Wednesday
The importance of sincerity and vulnerability in maintaining healthy relationships is major point here, and reminds us that it's okay to admit when we've made a mistake. It's a valuable message that can help us build stronger, more resilient connections with the people we care about.
I've killed friendships or friendships were killed in the past that led me to have new friendships now due to letting certain friends go. No one said sorry except for me. A girl for my 20th birthday gave me a note that left me in tears because I've never got a note from a girl before and I felt important. I felt important to her even though I've only known her for two months. What matters is learning and forgiving those that hurt you. It's a long process but having closure helps.
That's why I avoid relationships
I've learned so much from these videos...I split with my ex recently because I just felt we were sooo incompatible that, I felt I couldn't cope..it brought out some toxic behaviors that I now wish very much I had the tools mitigate at the time...I care for her very deeply, and truly want her to have the best in life.. ironically, I found it very hard for me to always be my best self...who admittedly has some issues...looking back we were just both very afflicted with our own traumas and..and never had the knowledge or techniques or prior healing within ourselves to be together...I still believe that it's best that we separated..space was necessary..but I just hate that it felt that it needed to be for good because looking back...I don't miss her as a lover. I miss her as a friend I miss her as family. I pray one day we both can heal and learn how to be happy...with ourselves and each other...to my Baby K. I'm deeply and truly sorry for all of my dysfunctional behaviors. From the previous lifetime..those to come, and beyond. You are forever loved.
Sound like me right now man , I feel that
💘❣
ı pray happyness for you both wether together or not but how are you doing now ? if its too much to ask u dont have to answer ofc :)
@@senaustun4380 sorry so late..she and I are currently in the process of mending our relationship. We both are actively seeking counseling on an individual basis with plans for couples sessions to follow. ATM our current process involves being more mindful of each others needs/grievances and communicating them more openly and honestly and addressing them at the appropriate times so as to limit emotional responses. We have been doing well so far. I think the most important lesson was that time apart can be a good thing...
What I love is that in some way, all these things can be applied to relationships in general and not just romantic ones.
Not apologizing and unclear communication. Not in a relationship but got a friend and these are the issues that are starting to make me lose interest in our friendship. I always got to be the one to lower down my pride when I didn’t even do anything bad, they just start to ignore me when they get mad. It’s okay to want to have an alone time, but they give me the silent treatment for literal days and I always have to be the one approaching them. And when they DO explain, the reasons are always so minimal and even unintentional.
I had a friendship that had me doing the heavy lifting for 10 year plus,the one last fight we had were I felt utterly disrespected and wasn't gonna compromise myself for ended the friendship cause she would never apologise and take responsibility for making me feel less than.
I've had a similar experience. You gotta beat them at their own game. They wanna do the silent treatment? Fine! Me too!
I was a lot like the friend you're talking about, once the person I was distancing from also distanced from me; the isolation drove me insane and made me so hyper critical of myself that I actually apologized! (something I rarely have ever done because of my prideful nature) We've been doing better than ever since then.
I can fucking relate
Silent treatment and ignor sometime make me sick
I love coming back to this channel for not only the entertainment but to educate myself on these things, thank you I hope this channel continues to help those who need it the most ❤
Its been 8 months and im still recovering from my marriage break up. These videos have been unbelievably helpful in helping to understand what potentially went wrong. There was no cheating, no lying, no arguing, we just kind of drifted apart. I see a lot of me and a lot of her in some of these videos. Thankyou for making them ❤
lucky for you mine was for cheating he was having a double life for 4years been difficult for me this past 2 years the I found that, getting true a lot of pain and suffering from that now finding myself and loving it every day, we try but I know since I found that is not going to be okay and he didn't wanted to work things out we no blaming, o clear communication.
I sympathize with the second point. Not in a relationship, but as friends with the opposing sex. I have learned a little bit to control it. I still fear to get too attached though...
This has literally the same case with me.
I only have one female friend and still got too attached to her, i just can't focus on my own work like the way I used to do.
Same here, she was an online friend though and recently she left all her socials so I'm doing a little better now
Got attached to this online girl and been doing great ever since she lost interest with me. I worked hard and pretty much did my best just so I could catch up with her, but in the end. She lost interest in me and I could not say the same but I'm pretty much in my neutral state of not caring much studying since I have no goal anymore since I know my place. I just need to wait for this feeling to vanish one day that's all
My girl (soon to be wife in a few weeks) and I find it hard to spend time away from one another and all we want to do is spend time together. We just love eachothers so much and are eachothers best friend, but we do have some of our own activities, even if we do them while we are together
@@apple5091 Good for them
I really relate on the number 2, I get too attached to my partner that I don't know who I am anymore and slowly losing my own identity, I really need to change this, because its getting to hard sometimes once we get into misunderstandings
Maybe try finding a hobby you enjoy or something. Things like that help me keep my identity
@@lunawolfheart336 it’s hard, because when you’re attached to your partner, you feel like doing absolutely nothing without them; everything you do has to be done with your partner by your side, or at least that’s how i feel.
@@hacosta1103 you are killing off your relationship like that.
@@hacosta1103 Same, and now that I learned that It'll kill the relationship makes me afraid af :,)
aye y’all she left me 💀
I love that so many of these can also apply to platonic relation ships.
Yes agreed
Why the heck am I here, when I’m single????!!!🗿
Same bro why are we here
I mean its never bad to know these things if you ever get into a relationship. Better early than Late 😃
Lmaooo. Because it’s interesting and this could apply to close friendships or a future relationship😌
To learn
lol 😂
I’ve gone through a few relationships and a thing I learned is to love you also need to learn how to love yourself! I apologised so much everyday for every little thing I did because I was scared my partner was always needing it. Yes it was probably an effect of certain childhood experiences but after the relationship ended and I took time to listen to myself I realised this. In the relationship I was in a dark place, I fell and emotionally depended on my partner. Not giving them enough room either.
Please, do not be afraid to work on yourself and see professionals! Of course opening yourself up and telling your partner these things is a great idea, communication is a strong tool for a healthy relationship, but make sure you give them room too! 💖
I have a suggestion
Your videos are amazing
And help me so much
But it would be great if you provide solutions on what to do if you do these things
Example: being overly attached
And then how can you avoid this.
I think they have videos on those things they just don't put them all in one video. They did say a few short examples of how to react in the video though. But not for everything
@@im-mi627 but i think if we get everything in one video
It will be really helpful for us
Ik it's just difficult to understand the problem
But it's more difficult to find a solution if you don't know anything about it
If we get the solution in the same video
We'll actually try to improve it
@@Mithil18 yeah that's true.
@@Mithil18 bro i think you should go to a professional, psy things are personal, you can't pull all yourself into one archetype even if you are the perfect sample of that, those in the video are pills of suspected symptoms not a prescription D:
Just google it bro
I haven't been in a relationship for some years now I can just say that you've got everything covered.
Communication is great and all but getting down to it, it's also about understanding and listening to one another, not assuming or just hearing the other person. Sometimes instead of listening, we just wait for a lil moment to jump in and start going off. I had an ex that loved to jump to assumptions and after each exhausting shift I had or free time I had, I'd give it to her, especially to reassure, reciprocate our feelings for one another and try and explain things to her, since communication isn't only important in a romantic relationship but also with friends or at work, I'd even say if you don't understand anything you can ask me... But it I guess that wasn't it. She even admitted to her family member that she intentionally tries to start fights but I don't argue with her, I just look at her, she then even admitted when we were breaking up that she intentionally ignored me and my feelings because she thought she knew better and what I wanted, she begged saying that she can change... But that doesn't happen over night, and all I want is peace basically. But I'm asking for too much it seems lol.
I just work and avoid people. I know I have a lot to offer but when I know that is the only thing making a relationship valuable it cut me off from emotions completely. I enjoy my alone time in a way that INFJ or any other personality could ever predict. I just don't see the value in being loved or accepted. I want my own power and acceptance. I find peace in knowing I control my own feelings, and my own future. I don't need anyone else to do that.
❤
Love it. Educational. Trauma Bonds also have a chemical component that gets people addicted. It's a trap, as you said the bad outweighs the good and its not worth it
6:00 something I did with my girlfriend instead is that I say "what cupboard would work best for what?" and we organise the kitchen consciously together, (when we have time).
Number 13 : necromancy
People always think that i dont care about anyone cuz i always ghost people who r close to me but its not the case. I talked to my therapist and he said that when i get stressed and lose confidence from personal things I close people off and try to face them on my own. Started to change that and I feel way more happy now cuz when i turned away the people i cares about i had nobody for the mental support i needed when feeling that way. If you are reading this stay strong and don't be afraid to get help from anyone. 😊 Have a good day 🌞 or good night 💤
me and my girlfriend of 2 years just broke up (she left me) and i understand how and why it happened now with this due to things i did this video covers it hurts right now but i’m going to work on it and try and improve myself. this channel has been helping me so much throughout the whole process though so thank you ❤
A sincere apology does in fact make a HUGE difference.
Hey, I just found your channel and I’ve been binging a bunch. I manage a pretty.. unique set of issues, and I just thought it wouldn’t hurt to drop a comment. If you could do a video covering psychopathy and sociopathy, and associated common symptoms, it could help not only me but others who deal with my type of issues and try with all their might to be healthy working members of society. It’s really hard at times to subside psychopathic tendencies, and it’d be nice to hear other studies. Cheers, loving the videos
Thank you for making these videos. They help us all out a lot ❤
Is there Something Like 2 bodies, one Soul? Some Spiritual Guys Talk about "twinflame" or stuff Like that. Intuition hast No Proof.
I was micro-managing my ex. I stopped when I realise, I was so much exhausted by a lot of things and in + I had to do almost everything in the house. Cooking, cleaning, washing, almost everything + work + taking care of my very old cat. It was unbearable. And after a while I understood he will never change and if I can't live in this condition, I have to go. So I broke with him. I realise that not only I was making him feel bad in his skin, but I was killing myself by trying to have help in the house by micro-managing him. So I have learned a life lesson, don't micro-managing people and see what is my limits in a relationship. After all, you realise what you are willing or not willing to endure in a relationship, and even if they are hard time, you learn about yourself and grow up. So. don't beat yourself up if you do errors, just be better the next time.
Ever since i have discovered this channel, it has helped me a bit out!
Appreciate your efforts and love Ur videos, very helpful 🌟
I never use to micromanage before but I have been giving it more of a shot lately at my job. It does kinda feel good to not have to clean every small cabinet door while I’m busy handling other things.
Some people apologize and never act on it. Like it never had meaning behind the words when they repeat what happened over and over.
I personally feel like some adults wouldn’t even bother to try to apologize for their actions, hurtful words, etc to their friend, loved ones or anyone else. Apologizing to people is not about winning an argument or how right or wrong one is, it’s about having the courage to admit that u made a mistake and make a concentrated effort to try not to repeat this hurtful action again through loving kindness, patience, compassionate and understanding. I strongly believe that apologizing to those u loved and hold dear for all your wrong doings and forgiving those who have hurt you is extremely important more than ever that it’s a shame that it’s never even discussed or brought up. I feel like we’re losing sight of how important it truly is to take personal responsibility for your actions and wrong doings and try to make things right in today’s time. We’re all human and we’re all going to make stupid and reckless mistakes every so often but it’s important now more than ever to take full personal responsibility for all those wrongful deeds and hurtful actions and just try to be much better people than ever before. Especially now since Covid destroyed not only relationships with our friends and loved ones but also made us turn against one another like a pack of wolves which breaks my heart. 😥😥😥
Something I struggle with is over explaining why I’m sorry. People get so upset when that happens. They think I’m apologizing to clear the air but now i just genuinely want others to know I didn’t mean to hurt them or make them upset. It’s so hard.
That voice is soothing and the information is helpful!
I think my parents needs to watch your videos... lately they've been struggling and putting pressure on me and my sister causing us to raise ourselves more
You..
You made me understand myself more.
Thank you.
2 really hit home. i don't know how to fix it
These are great tips and speaking from a 21 year relationship. Great video.
To be honest quite helpful to not make more mistakes in relationships with people, thank you.
Husband is an only child, and doesn't understand some of the sibling treatment he and my friends get, since it, to him as an only child, feels more intimate to him. He got to see these behaviors as time went on displayed with various family members and I explained more on it when he seemed confused at such displays of affection with others.
Mostly I explain it as things various members of the family do when they're open and trust one another. This also extends to friends and family friends who are close enough. Seeing them means that that person is trusted in full and accepted.
While his family are more verbal in such communications they're very hands off with physical displays. They're also less open with things that bother them and rely more on the "third party" method. (The method of being quiet about it at first with the person who has done the upsetting thing, and talking about it with a third party who then bridges the gap.)
The opposite is true for us. We're direct about things we're uncomfortable with and show trust in physical ways such as touch or leaning against one another for quiet comfort, and physical "guarding" where the one who is upset is allowed to process their emotion without verbal input from the other while they sit with either a leg against leg beside, or allow themselves to be leaned on or back to back with the other person just kinda acting as a buffer between the upset person and anyone who might interrupt them.
Most of the folks in my family are ND of some variety all over the place so we also kinda crowdsource solutions to problems more openly, even if the question seems inappropriate.
Granted the emotional response can seem explosive from the outside, neither party in these confrontations is really looking to hurt the other and mostly just trying to understand the whys and whats so we can better work together.
Society doesn't like the display of emotions because it seems less controlled and less predictable. More... Child like. In a way it seems more dangerous, when for us it's a bonding activity.
Ironically its also harder to be manipulated by other members of the group when you're direct about things in the open. Like ripping off the bandaid when it's time to, it solves issues faster and with less long term ill effects.
We're a dysfunctional bunch, odd and off kilter, but we make it work and are close to those who choose to interact with us.
I’m clingy due to abandonment issues. I do it subconsciously and need people to communicate with me that I’m being to much. It’s something I’m working on in therapy but I won’t change over night.
I'm definitely coming back to watch this again.
Thank you for this video jealousy ruins relationship. I have learn the other person will bring their worst friends around. And get mad when you don't want to be there friend.
Love ur channel, tysm
I have so many problems with saying sorry... I just can't say it right away when I know I did wrong...
This weekend, I had time to think about it. My mom ripped my heart into little pieces with her action, and I told her that I was sag, angry, disappointed... she knew that she was wrong. That she did wrong.
But no apology... no sorry...
I thought about all the situations my feelings were hurt. Never did my parents apologize. Not a single time...
Now I am working on it and my partner is very supportive. ❤
In the past, I believe that micromanaging destroyed my relationship. Due to our similar ages, I had the impression that I was living with my mother rather than a lover. And for that reason, despite my continued patience, I detest everything he does.
It was 5 months ago, I relate to the second tip, I used to be so dependent on my friend/ more then friends? I don't know anymore. Its like I've now lost myself and even if I try to move on, it never works. If I try to ask for help, its like nobody can help me, I cant blame them I was a stupid to think he'd stay with me forever. I keep on reading our old texts and always trying to keep our promises but now it just feels numb and I cant focus on anything, I suppose life has been harsh, but I try to be positive. I try to be a good friend for others but keep failing, I've lost any hope of becoming better. I wish this video came out before, maybe I couldve topped myself from being so dependent. Oh well, life isn't fair is it, ive only got myself to blame.
I wrote a letter on a piece of paper once and that fake friend literally said no, you don’t understand friendship 💀 that’s how I know she’s a fake friend. She was so mean and even told my other friends. I can’t trust her with any of my secrets or stories or anymore
Another video I can definitely relate to!
Good analogy with The Office
I love that you connect your videos with The Office🥰🥰
I've learned so much from these video!
Thanks for the tips and I can relate to theses 👍
I’m number 4, I suffer with ocd and things must always be in its place. My bf and I argue about it all the time. I just feel like if I don’t leave things of mine around the house for you to clean up why are you. It’s like a disrespect. Especially when I’m the only one cleaning. Relationship can just be toxic.
Nice video, good tips, anyways, keep up the good work!
i’ve literally just gotten a boyfriend, i really want this to go well so watching this video really helps. Thanks a lot
I think this goes without saying that, in addition to too much emotional attachment, there is too much emotional detachment, so much as being too attached to someone is negative being too detached from the relationship can be also negative, this can be something like taking the relationship for granted. (I think you should've pointed that out), there should be a balance
Man, i am a bad partner. I thought i wasnt.
Tbh, same…
@@GabrielaT-T you know, im glad you replied to this. Dont give up, just because you dont like where you are dosnt mean you cant get to where you want to be. I have been working hard over these last few weeks watching videos and really trying to act differently. Sure it was hard at first, and yes it hurt my ego for a while. But honestly my relationship has never been better and ive learned so many mlre healthy ways to communicate. Which means you can too.
Is gonna be okay
Love the improvement in the drawings!
Me not having empathy, not being social it’s difficult for me to understand others so I need tips …thanks you for that :)
#2 kills my rellationship. I feel I am way to attached. I realized I have been avoiding my friends more to hang with her. And I also feel like I tell her my feelings and ask for help way to often. This person is way to special to me. We've been together for almost a year now, and now she's starting to talk to me less and avoid saying sweet and cute things to me. Hopefully I can figure this out.Thank you for the advice.
Look up the word Limerence and watch some videos on that.
A 2017 study found that if you offer a sincere apology, the other person is much more likely to forgive you.
That is so sad and depressing that people really did a study on that, like people actually need a study and professionals to tell them that they need to do something we’re taught to do in pre-school! Grow up, people!
I really want to share this with my partner, but I’m a bit afraid to. He has BPD and he makes such grand assumptions about me and my mood and “tone” and body language that even with clear communication from me about having a hard long day/having a chronic illness flare up etc, it is never enough to dissuade the spiraling rabbit role of assumptions and criticisms my partner will lash at me…it always sort of ends up with me feeling exhausted and tired and burnt out having to console my partner while forcing myself to get over whatever it was I was feeling in the first place
I know it's not my place to suggest this as an internet stranger, but you're already dealing with chronic illness, hon, you don't need a mentally ill asshole giving you extra hell. His behavior is emotionally abusive, and it leaving you exhausted and burnt out means he's almost literally sucking the life out of you. That's exactly how I feel when my mother, also a BPD diagnosis, lashes out at me for shit that is completely unrelated to me. She also hugely misinterprets my body language, expressions, and anything else she can misconstrue. She'll say shit like "Don't look at me like that." when all I did was just glance at her. Stress can make chronic illness flare ups more frequent, btw, he could actually be making you more ill. Again, not my place, but you would more than likely be much better off without him, physically, mentally, emotionally. I distanced myself from my mother and it was like becoming a new person, getting a new life. I actually like my life now, and I like the person I am for having done that for myself. just my two cents, hon, all the best to you.
"Hey, can we watch some of these relationship videos together? I think it could be cute"
The second point is most likely what killed my first relationship. I was so heavily dependent on him for everything that I didn't know what to do with myself when he was busy and got upset when he'd do things with others. I didn't realize how much he did for me until he was gone, and I believe I've lost my soulmate. I've realized my mistakes now but the damage has been done, and I'm afraid I'll never be able to convince him that I regret everything I did.
This really hurts😭😭😭😭
Three years ago I broke up with my bf because of my toxicity. I made lots of assumptions and he got exhausted. He was righteous and sensible man, but I didn't value it and destroyed my one in a life time relationship then I couldn't find a man like him
Consider yourself lucky because you know what to look for in a mate. Not many people get that chance.
I know it must hurt, I’ve had something similar happen..
Pain is a tell sign of how much you’ve grown since. No one is perfect, not even him. Better things will come your way.
Keep working on yourself, you’ll always have opportunity to improve this relationship.
Making these The Office references really made this video so much better. Currently in a rewatch.
Binging these after a little argument with my gf. The “refusing to apologize” one is hitting… hardddd… they shut down one of my story ideas really quickly and i said that it kind of hurts when they do that. Their retort was “How come whenever I share my opinions I’m doing something wrong?” and they proceeded to bring up grievances they’ve been having for weeks, I presume. But just… now. To win an argument. I can’t tell who’s in the wrong here
well what was your answer to their question? if you have been making them feel like their opinions are wrong but get offended when they treat you the same way it sounds like you haven't been fair either, and there's a chance they didn't mention it until now because they didn't think it was an issue until you expressed that you expected different treatment (they probably think the issue is that you've been a bit of a hypocrite and that wasn't apparent to them until you got offended). if this is true then you should probably just apologize first and promise to not to shut down their opinions again but ask them to communicate better, apologize and make the same promise. ofc this is just my opinion from my own experiences but i feel like if i was your gf i would expect an apology first since their pov sounds pretty sucky
Lack of quality time to openly discuss thoughts, feelings, and ideas is a killer. It’s just like romance time. If both partners are not available and in the mood, the result can be a huge negative. Life and relationships is a matter of timing. If you and your significant other are harboring that much resentment, maybe it’s time to get in sync with someone else. We cannot replace time spent poorly trying to manage bad relationship behavior. To laugh, giggle, smile, and embrace one another should be effortless when the world is left outside your doorstep…social media Off! In the moment 🫠🥰🤗
For me, being "stubborn" about apologizing has more to do with my triggers than fear of being guilty. My step mom would constantly force me to apologize to her for things I wasn't doing. So now, if another person says they feel that they deserve an apology, it automatically makes me not want to apologize
Thanks
Stopping micromanaging is hard.
My GF leaves things everywhere, she leaves her dishes and rubbish in the kitchen area too. I'm flatting with 3 other people and i don't think its fair to them that my GF leaves a mess, so I'm constantly having to tell her to "please clean up after your self".
When she cooks, shes burns things or misses key ingredients. Am i supposed to just stfu and put on a smile?
When she does do the dishes, food is still stuck on the plate. What am i supposed to do? re-do the dishes silently?
Often these relationship/psychology videos leaves me feeling like I'm the abuser for setting boundaries and standards which i feel to be reasonable.
Yo I got into my first relationship, I really needed this video thanks very much
It’s so hard to not depend on anyone else for emotional support. It’s so lonely and I don’t know how to not be needy. It’s hard to be able to do it all on my own. I do have my therapist and cats. I’m working on depending on them instead of bothering everyone else while verbally processing. Cats are also unbothered when I talk about the same issues again and again. I have migraines and body heat/circulation issues because of meds. I can see how annoying it is for me to have another migraine or my fingers have lost circulation again in the cold. I am trying to get to just shovel the driveway or perform my tasks regardless of how I feel and it seems to have made everyone happier
I have met someone this past year that and we both believe we are each other's soulmate. I love watching these videos and realizing just hiw toxic and generally bad my previous relationship was. A bit of a better understanding as to why you start making asumptions and have bad communication that you might not realize is happening is that you just plain don't feeo comfortable enough to bring up your feelings about something because you are always left feeling like whatever you say is never good enough or you're given something back that leaves you feeling like you just got a nip on the butt just because youndecided to voice an opinion. You do not even realize the manipulation and gaslighting but you're left feeling like you aren't getting naywhere and shut down. It makes it very hard to communicate. So when you say to yourself "why do I even bother talking" or "Im going to ignore them and wait for them to pipe up about what is bugging them" Stop and think if that relationship is going tonteally make it.
These days with my new partner we have such a strong bond that no matter what it is I feel loved and appreciated for voicing my opinion. You should NEVER live in fear to speak your mind. Adress that issue with your partner if you have it and don't let cognitive dissonance or fear of being alone stop you from being given the love and respect you deserve! ❤
0:21 I've never seen the office but you explained your point with enough detail.
2:46 loosely based on the much older Christian (in this case old testament) idea but ok
5:37 don't try to control everything however (as another study showed) communicating the little things that bug you (without "my way is right") is a good idea
I really love the animation
I never thought about myself like this
thank you so much
I like the animation just started watching this channel good listen
It seems that it's so easy to be toxic within any relationship that I wonder if there is any point to them sometimes.
I feel that I should either constantly apologise or just not speak at all. Just apologise for being alive in the first place. I simply cannot get it right for getting it wrong.
These are very familiar to me. I'd say my last relationship had ALL of these to some degree and we were very close to marriage. There was a lot of unclear communication and codependency on my end with micromanaging on theirs.
It unironically really showed in our childhoods-- I was the best friend and later parent to one of my parents as a child (the other one neglected me entirely) ... and I might have ADHD (jury's still out). Meanwhile, they were heavily bullied by their eldest sibling and had very neglectful, yet expectant parents.
As such, they developed severe OCD and needed everything (even conversations) to be done a very specific way. They were constantly afraid of being used and mistreated, while I was fawning to the Nth degree and was always terrified about making mistakes (and being abandoned for it) ... even though they never threatened me with it. I didn't know how to communicate in a healthy way and was driven to tears almost every time they sat me down to talk (aka tell me exactly what I did wrong and how they felt about it with a scary level of calm). The crying made it even worse because they started wondering if I was crying to manipulate them (told me so). During the worst of it, these talks happened on a weekly basis. Some couple's therapy later, it gradually got better (I stopped crying and started trying to not feel during the talks because collecting information was more important in those moments) but I was still missing the point entirely and improved at the speed of a dehydrated snail. Somehow, that relationship went on for 3 years before they finally had enough and dumped me. Why? We were torturing each other, plain and simple... and I sadly agree with that.
As much as I miss that relationship (they were very loving and supportive outside the talks and we are now becoming tentative friends), I know there were a lot of things wrong with it and it is for the best that we split. Sometimes I wonder if we could try again after we both had the chance to improve (something I am working on and have made progress on), but I am consistently reminding myself that I think that way because that was the longest, most serious relationship I've ever been in... and have been single ever since and am lonely af (and shouldn't be in a relationship because healing+lonely af). I miss the familiarity and presence of another person, not the specific person.
I know this is a lot, but I really needed to get this out there. I'm still heavily healing (1 year, baby~) and I need to remind myself of the bad so I don't hyperfocus on the good. Is there a better way to cope? Definitely, but this works for now until I can find something better-- as I said, I'm working on it.
First of all: it is good you see what went wrong and you are already working on it! Even if thing get better slowly, it gets better. I am also often going very slow with my personal development and it helps me very much so remind me how I would have reacted one or more years back so that I have an achievement even if it may take so long. And it was quite important for me to learn to actively feel joy over this achievements and not just shrug them off and go on with life.
You gave something important to think about, which will surely help me with my way in making decisions: hyperfocus on the good things. For me this applies not only when things are already done an over, but especially when they are beginning, like having a new job. I had some very discouraging experiences with that topic and want to break free from this.
I'm definitely going to use these tips when I start dating. I love this 💘😍
NumNumber 2 is on the ball!!
I love your videos.
It's helping me to understand myself more, and I want my marriage to be the best!!
I want to make the best me, not only for them, but for me too.
Just remember to keep moving forward and dont get stuck watching this videos
thanks for this
This helps a lot.
Timestamps
1). I'm sorry 0:56
2). Attached to you 2:17
3). My crystal ball is broken 3:33
4). Micromanaging 4:56
Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. Sorry this is so late. 💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙
This video conflates anxious/preoccupied attachment style with codependency and that's really quite damaging with so little context, especially for people looking for answers who are hearing this for the first time.
4:00 Ah, this is so relatable! I've had quite a few friends who kept blaming me for not reading their minds even though there was no way I could've known! It's such an awful feeling!
No way! That's completely unfair. I talk about this with people all the time, because being a mind reader is absolutely not essential for a relationship. It's actually a sign like a check engine light that's something is off. The other person is not sharing and expressing enough, not aware of their needs and wants. You yourself or not aware of your own needs and wants in sharing, and instead trying to figure out and read their minds. There could be some external validation and people pleasing that are going on in there, some codependency and anxious attachment. But anytime a person catches themselves playing mind reader or being pushed or expected to play mind reader, there's a serious issue that needs to be looked at. One tip is that when you catch yourself making assumptions or playing mind reader, is to allow yourself to not have to do that, and instead turn your thoughts and assumptions into questions that you ask of the other person
@@ZalmanNelson Yeah, that’s similar to what I was telling these people. I kept telling them that we were supposed to talk and tell each other about boundaries, but they kept making excuses. They’d say things like, “I’m not going to force you to be something you’re not”, “You’re a nosy bastard”, or “I’m too scared to.” None of which are excuses. It really made me second-guess myself. Classic gaslighting, isn’t it?
@@CanyonCoyote yes. totally a problem. ppl who are not in touch with their own feelings and have emotional wounds to address and are avoiding it (understandable, its not easy), but they will tend to blame others for what they themselves are doing. and also generally be uncomfortable with other people's feelings, because it reminds them that they also have feelings and emotional parts that need attention. face it and heal, or avoid and run. and they sadly often choose to try and shut others down. you cna't make them change. only be clear that you're allowed to feel and express yourself, and then watch how ppl react. those who hear you and leave you space, connect more with them. those that don't, you invest less.
@@ZalmanNelson These people were telling me that I had “no right to their feelings”, which wasn’t my point. I was upset that they kept hiding their problems and blaming me for not knowing. Yet they got it all twisted around. It’s no wonder I have trust issues.
@@CanyonCoyotethat's an issue. everyone would love others to just know what they think feel need and want. but it doesn't work that way. when you're a small baby, your parents have to figure out and guess what you feel and need. not as an adult. once they share what they think feel need want, then you can be caring and sensitive and work with them and help out and be supportive, not before. i don't think you have trust issues. trust no one until they show you with their behavior that they are emotionally mature and can express what they think and feel clearly, and allow you to think and feel, and take interest in you as you take interest in them. otherwise, walk away, they aren't emotional mature enough to engage in a relationship with you
Just was rejected and this video is the first video to Pop up
I loved your drawing of Jim and Pam 🥹
thank you