How Long Can an Affair Last?
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- Опубликовано: 21 янв 2022
- How long can an extramarital affair last? Lauren explains the underlying structure of an affair that supports its durability.
An affair is composed of a triangle in which each of the three players stabilize in their respective roles over time. Without major disruption, these roles allow for continuity. While there may be tension, highs and lows, and the rollercoaster emotions that are often naturally inherent in an affair, the affair can largely endure under the terms described in this video.
Lauren, private coach and consultant at TheAffairConsultant.com, supports individuals and couples as they navigate the very common, yet still highly taboo, experience of affairs and infidelity. Lauren is committed to reducing shame, stigma, and misconceptions about marital affairs and those who are affected by them.
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www.theaffairconsultant.com
Lauren @ theaffairconsultant.com
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The spouse's role you mentioned: it is possible for a spouse to "settle in" as you describe. But it is naive to underestimate just how good at deception the parties can be to the spouse! Subtle changes, as you describe, point to a lot of marriage issues that do not point to an affair. The parties I describe include the cheating spouse, your mutual friends who he has convinced you are crazy... (you don't know what you did that you don't get together with friends as much as you used to), his family helped, your employees who need their jobs helped with the lies. Sometimes, it is more than an affair. A spouse can be living a double life and spend a lot of energy creating this illusion to the faithful partner. Please don't imply that the spouse played a role in "allowing" this to go on. We've already been made to feel we are to blame though gaslighting and manipulation for years.
I was the affair partner, I was so stupid, looking back on it now, it's obvious that the only way I could have a woman is if she was either desperate or looking for something on the side, in my case, the women just wanted to see if they could monkey branch, back then, I was young and naive, luckily none of my relationships lasted long, every woman I ever partnered with cheated, I didn't realise at the time, I only found out afterwards, I came to the reality that was always going to be the way, I didn't want to go through all of that crap or put some innocent partner through the upset, or break up families, so I gave up on relationships, that was back in the early 1990's, I've never looked back, choosing to remain single was the best move I ever made, no trust issues, I just don't bother and it works for me, I've seen friends going through turmoil, divorce etc, the bitterness, the upheaval, distruction of families, and now it's becoming more common, I'm glad that I left that lifestyle, as much as I do sometimes miss the intimacy, I certainly don't miss the hassle and misery
I was at the losing end after finding my wife was having an affair for 10 months. We attempted to piece it back together, but underneath all my feelings, I simply hated her and it eventual fell apart. I would suggest that for those married that enter an affair, if you marriage really , really means a great deal to you, you best stop it now and right now. An affair will pretty much end your marriage and you may as well get ready for it because almost all of the time it is over. Probably more 90% I would guess. If you actually can piece it back together , it will never be the same. If you have an affair and keep it short and sweet which keeps if from being discovered, you probably can survive it if you cut it off quickly. Keep it up for long time and believe me, your marriage is done. May as well start dividing up the assets .
I know a girl had an 8 year one but when she actually left it lasted less than a year. Her kids couldn't stand him😢😂😂😂😂😂
One thing that you are leaving out of the equation is, when the faithful partner is betrayed it often opens the door for them to do the same but without any concern for guilt. That is in the lap of the unfaithful!! So they can feel free to give their affection to another
My husband lied to both myself and the mistress.
Marital affairs SHOULD have shame and stigma. WTF is this !?!?
This is another wash on the matter, out of the many, many that have been made.
I’m with you! What is she trying to explain here? Is she a cheater??
Im having 2 affair at a time and it's being over an year
My best friend was in one 4.5 years!
Oh wow! Really!
Not proud to say, I was in one for 16 years
Holy hell...how do you do that to someone you claim to love? How are they doing rn?
Yeah, agree. It's not how long they can last. It's who will break it. My case: my ex-wife was having an affair, I set clear boundaries when I learned about the thing and informed her I would not be in a triangle (just as OP mentions in the video), first she told me that she would stop, and but as it turned out a few months later she did not stop (or started another thing with a different person, dk). I had to be the one to break it by filing a divorce. Long story short - someone of the three had to be determined to end it. I wanted to keep a family for our children, but my ex was not willing to stay loyal to me, so I had to end it. I hope she will be happy with her AP, and I hope I will one day stop ruminating and being jealous (probably I will move on with a cheater unless that is the mother of my kids and I had to see her every week...).
Sorry to hear about all this.. Look forward to a better future and try to achieve it. That what you can do to make yourself happy. You will forget about her soon enough after that
Not judging you ok…..But your biggest mistake was not setting the boundaries before the affair got started…..You tried to set the boundaries after it happened ….But by then it was too late….Women will try to say that the man is too controlling ,if he wants to check her ph msgs at times…..Or asks for proof of where she says she was at….Or proof of who she was with instead of taking her word for it and just blindly trusts all that she says……Trust is earned by proving it…..And consequences also need to be set for crossing boundaries. So it’s either that or take a chance on her cheating……
@@bluemoon2934 we were together for almost 15 years. There were boundaries, and she was aware of them. Everything started to go down, after she changed job (younger ppl partying every weekend, older singles and divorced ppl, just a one or two relatively happy married). She just adapted, and desired to fit in. I was aware she lacks her spine, self in such conditions, was warning her to be aware, even suggested her changing the job few times - but ultimately it's her life, her decisions so I was not pushing.
But yeah, you are right. I have made few mistakes - I was passive way too long in other areas of our life: e.g. she was badmouthing me from time to time, and instead of taking a serious actions I believed I can 'change' her with my words. I was accepting her neglecting me etc. for way too long. My biggest mistake was not to leave when when there were red flags which I had ignored believing some things will change. I was accepting her 'frame' for way too long, and allowed her to drive while I was on passanger seat. But all of that are my faults when we talk about relationship. Nothing in my eyes is justification for affair. It's their choice. They could leave the relationship without hurting other ppl. They choose to have both: stable source of supply, home, someone to take care of them and in excitement and novelty of the AP. It was their choice.
Blocked, affairs are the new normal?
Stop bullshitting about the betrayed person knowing. I did not know he was betraying me, I just saw he was becoming more similar to his father, able of contempt just like him, depressed like him, withdrawn just like him, cold like him. Never in my life I thought he would be able to betray me.
When I realised my husband was having an affair, it was at its end and I realised because my husband was tired to hide evidence and to continue the affair and let me find out. At that point he didn't give a crap about anything and anyone. He was a selfish man who could not carry on living like that anymore.
It is the worst thing that somebody can do to his spouse.
It is also the worst thing that can happen with the non cheater.
Always last to find out.
It goes with a lifetime of pain for the non cheater.
Then cheating is funny for some people.
I can tell you it is not funny at all.
The ex married his AP. It's been 8 years now.
13 yrs and counting. Not me but im witness and it started fiery, fizzled out and now the people i know in an affair are like stuck now. They seem like they are in a second added ball and chain. Its cause they aren't young and marketable anymore. Lol
lol
Exactly
I did a sabbatical in South East Asia back in the 90s. I immersed myself in their cultures. After a couple of months I picked up on the fact that. Unspoken affair triangles were the norm in these societies. Along with Lady boys on every street corner.
Fast forward 25 years. North America has arrived at the same level of affairs and lady boys 😅
What is a lady boy
After giving birth my wife shut down her Vjay and 4 years later I started an affair with a much younger coworker. The affair was 10 years strong until the pandemic hit & shut down the hotels we met at. I never wanted to cheat and tried counseling and everything I could to get my wife back in bed but the pregnancy forever turned her off to me.
I hope you at least let her know that if she was not willing to have sex with you anymore…that you would have no choice but to satisfy your sexual needs elsewhere. Not ‘hinting’ at it, or ‘assuming’ she realizes your sexual needs, but…actually having the conversation. Therefore, giving her the choice to either tolerate that, or…divorce. Cheating is never okay, regardless of the circumstances…because it is based upon betrayal. Being honest isn’t always easy…but it beats being deceptive. If we are mature enough to marry and make babies, we need to also be mature enough to be honest, rather than deceptive. That is nothing but a toxic endurance test, for everyone entrapped in the deception-based triangle.
You OK with that?
@@cheryldee95 agreed: (1) Cheating never ok; (2) Open communication necessary; (3) Cheating based upon betrayal. In addition, two wrongs don’t make a right. Food for thought: How would you characterize the wife’s behavior? Was that a betrayal of sorts? My conclusion: Wife’s behavior was not fair and reasonable to husband. Husband’s affair was not fair and reasonable to wife. There’s enough blame to go around.
@@sideman7117sounds like the wife may have been suffering from depression and/or stress physically and mentally from the birth and taking care of a newborn/child. Doesn’t sound like betrayal to me. More like blame shifting.
Instead of talking to your wife, you chose to take the easy way out and cheat on her. However, not only did you cheat on her, but you cheated on your child as well.
Instead of trying to blame your affair on her, you might want to get therapy and marriage counseling (unless she divorces you first). That could determine why you did such a selfish act and why you didn’t discuss your issues with her instead of looking elsewhere to get your needs met, while neglecting hers and your child’s.
Goes to show most people in marriages shouldn’t be, need to learn healthy life skills, are selfish and want instant gratification. Marriage is pretty much about wanting to get free sex whenever you want, home cooked meals, and having a baby factory. In this case, it wasn’t really about love. If it was then you would have thought about it before doing something that will scar and destroy your family.
Sounds deluded.. affairs dont last unless the married affair partner stops cheating and divorces his or her spouse.
It is possible that the affair partners really love each other. It doesn't make it right but it's also hard for the parties involved in the affair. If they really love each other it can go on for a very long time. It's very hard to let go of someone you love.
No, no love can came from an affair. Those people are broken toys having infatuation over each other
untill they get caught
Golly!
This is delusional. It’s all about resources and truth. I left my X because of the lies and how smooth they got at it. Also, all the time and money spent outside the home that I did not give permission to be expended on the affair. Resources that could have gone to our 3 children. Fast forward 20 years and our 3 children do not spend any holidays or other festivities with my X. I tried but they are adults now and are their own person. The emotional devastation reached into a generation…… maybe two.
If you wanna go, go ahead im not stopping you. I will drive u there house shake his hand and say she ls your problem now.
Be an adult about it and not immature. This is what people do when there hedging there bets.
Hiding stuff from your partner is horrible. Its monkey branching.
An affair happens because its starts small like digging a small hole in the ground, eventually the hole gets so deep they cant get out anymore, they cant hide it. Sometimes its unintentional but it still means they were emotionally cheating on day
Your not gonna stop someone from doing what they want. Even if you could would you want them.
Its peoples lack of communication that destroy
s relationships.
An affair occurs because communication has stopped in there current relationship. This is there problem for not communicating
Why would i want to talk someone out of not leaving if they dont wanna be here? Let them go!
People like the thrill of hiding and sneaking getting away with something. Worser than that they still want your support while they cheat.
No there should absolutely be shame breaking the ultimate trust! What kind of channel
Are u running🤦🏾♂️
so you help people have affairs?
I AM STILL IN THE “ marriage “ BUT I HATE MY HUSBAND AND WILL MAKE HIS LIFE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR AS LONG AS HE STAYS WITH ME . THERE IS NO OTHER WAY …. HE IS PUNISHED FOR THE AFFAIR , AND ALWAYS WILL .
And you wonder why he strayed.
@@done6538 …it is because he strayed ….
@@done6538 …it is DONE BECAUSE HE STRAYED. 🤷🏻♀️
Typing in all caps like that, it's easy to see why your husband did what he did.
@@americanadreaming …..I GUESS YOU ARE ONE OF THE “ IMMATURE” ones with GRANDIOSE BELIEVES ABOUT YOURSELF🤷🏻♀️.
The real name for affair is fornicating
The real name for lust is adultery
Both are a sins Jesus (God) says
When you commit a sin, Jesus (God) says two things happen to you for your disobedience to Gods Word
1. Demons enter you to ruin your life
2. Demons enslave you and you keep sinning.
The only way to undo sin is to repent.
That’s why a fornicator/cheater keeps cheating. A thief keeps stealing. Etc
They are now bound by sin. Enslaved in sin
You need to repent for your sins and make Jesus Christ your Lord and Saviour and abide in Gods Word.
If you don’t repent the demons will never leave. This is VERY IMPORTANT.
Gods Word is the only thing that can bring you freedom and joy and peace in life
Sin brings destruction in ALL areas of your life.
Evil people make up fancy names for sin.
Sin only brings MORE PROBLEMS into your life.
Don’t be deceived by lies of the devil.
Turn to Jesus. Turn to the truth in the Word of God.
All this is explained in the Holy Bible written by your true Father God Himself.
The Holy Bible was not written by ignorant stupid human being creations that once never existed and now exist.
Matthew 9.
10 And it came to pass, as Jesus sat at meat in the house, behold, many publicans and sinners came and sat down with him and his disciples.
11 And when the Pharisees saw it, they said unto his disciples, Why eateth your Master with publicans and sinners?
12 But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.
13 But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance
Matthew 15
18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:
20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.
Jesus (God)
John 8
34 Jesus answered them, “Verily, verily I say unto you, whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin.
John 8
44 Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.
Turn to Jesus for all your problems. The Holy Bible and the Word of God and Jesus should be at the centre of your life. Should be first in your life. Nothing else.
God gave you life. That’s why the first and greatest commandment is you will love the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul with all thy mind with all thy strength.
Jesus and God comes first in your life. Obedience to the Word of God brings to you:
An abundant life
True joy from within
Healing
Pain free
Love
Access to ask seek and knock
There is no other way to live your life. Gods way or no way.
YOU must first move closer to God and abide in His Word and then He will give you everything you need.
YOU must abide in His Word. You cannot go in and out of Gods Word. You must be in His Word always.
John 15
4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.
5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
Jesus (God)
John 10
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
Luke 19
10 For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.
Stop poisoning your mind and soul by watching those TV shows that promote sin like killing, fornicating, lying, fraud, lust, adultery, homosexuality, blasphemy, lesbianism, hate, horror, witchcraft,
Only the Word of God can cleanse you. Can bring peace and joy into your life. God loves you. Tune into God. Tune into His Word.
Do yourself the biggest favour in the world and start reading Matthew Mark Luke and John.
Nothing else can help you but your true Father God. The only way to access Him is through His Word and prayer. Honest and sincere prayer.
Matthew
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+1&version=KJV
Mark
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+1&version=KJV
Luke
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+1&version=KJV
John
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+1&version=KJV
beautifully said...
Thank you my friend unfortunately the sinfulness this woman is promoting proves she is a deciple of the Devil. As Jesus said, BEWARE OF FALSE PROFITS WHO PROMOTE LIES OVER TRUTH.
I love everything u said and quoted. My wife has been commiting adultary for 3 yrs. I pray she humbles herself and repents. My children are suffering because of it
found the religious nut
Believe in fairies & myths, eh?