@@lisetteem588 I agree that it gets complicated in abusive situations, especially financial abuse/isolation or when there's kids involved. The quote is meant for independent adults who are struggling with making the right choice about a manipulative partner, though it can be extended to family or job situations as well. Rather than blame, my intention in sharing this is to motivate people. Desperate times call for desperate measures: often you have to do the radical thing to get out of an abusive cycle, and that takes a LOT of courage. I know it's not fair. I wish the world were a place where everyone was always respectful and kind. But since that's not the reality we live in, often it is up to each individual to stand up for themselves, protest mistreatment, and make sure they are putting their own safety/best interests first.
If you have to BEG someone to: see you, value you, spend time with you, listen to you, etc., you are begging for basic human decency. Move away and move on.
@@myahitt1247 Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. That sounds really challenging. The thing is, you only have to help/interact with her as much as you're comfortable with. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If she's lost in alcoholism, she does need help, but that help doesn't have to come from you. She was a grown adult long before you came along, and it's literally not your job to rescue her from her own bad choices.
@@WilliamDancin I just see her deteriorating and I know she’s scared but she won’t do anything to help herself and she’s all stressed out because of her finances when she built her retirement around selling her house and now she doesn’t wanna leave and she’s making it my problem by making me pay her money and I’m sorry but I have my own bills and life to pay and she’s making it so difficult for me to succeed while guilting me into staying and helping her and I can’t help but do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t
@@TheMazinoz I gradually started going NC (no contact) with a family member. I started by ensuring our living situation was separate, and never visited them at their home nor invited them to mine. Any time we met, we met in a public place (restaurant, etc), sometimes with a 3rd party present. It was the only way I could interact with them to ensure they would behaving in a civil manner. Eventually, there was no point in doing even that, because it was a net-zero-value relationship & not worth keeping up just for old time's sake.
Lol, I always say they are constantly "training" and "educating" everyone in their path. They'll shoot their shot on anyone until they find someone who falls for it.
@@lisetteem588Wow. He asked me what I owe on a CC? $1,400 What %? Um 29%. He threw it in my face over n over. Now owe $600. Doesn’t matter! But he doesn’t have one. My score is 781. Be careful what U share!
@katherinegordon8088… just because you lecture you’re not a narc. You probably wanted to be seen heard and valued. It’s not true that narcs lecture, I dealt with the most self centered person I’ve ever known and he did not lecture me or even bother to talk to me. He didn’t consider my feelings, empathy and accountability wasn’t a thing. He breadcrumbed, gaslit, manipulated, used, future faked, blame shifted, deflected, guilt tripped, stonewalled, silent treatment…. All of those things. “Stop lecturing me” was just another gaslighting technique
I'm married to a textbook narcissist. He's absolutely correct. After 15 years of soul draining labor, I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that they don't actually listen. They just wait for you to stop talking so they can repeat what they initially said and then remind you that you're grossly inadequate in some bizarre way that nobody else in their right mind would even imagine.
@@EternalLove.1111it is not easy to leave and start your entire life over again. trust me I am still digging out of that pit after being married 26 years and finally being divorced
Yess Ma'am. I would become so infuriated that stress gave me a blood pressure reading at a high of 171over 113. I showed him the numbers on the bp monitor and that's when I finally woke up and realized... he is truly a devil who came to steal kill and destroy me.
I've been wondering what your connection is with narcissism as a topic? Like, I get you're married, so that's where your relationship content comes from. I'm assuming neither you nor your partner are narcissits, but you've obviously been effected by it. Mine is my father. 😭
I started to cry when you validated everything I knew about the guy I've been trying to connect with emotionally and mentally for 5 years. He told me yesterday if anyone told him he's a narcissist he'd punch them in the face. He's asked me to marry him and move back in with him but slowly I've come to realize that he just wants me to mommy him and let him treat me like less than and control me to fit his needs. I have to walk away from the financial stability too because of his actions and verbage there is just no stability of the relationship and I'm exhausted from letting him know about all the inner work I've been doing and he just looks for the next shiny thing to keep him occupied and forgets about everything else. Damnit Jimmy I could be mad at you pointing these things out to us but I can't because it's manipulations and arrogance, and just ugh, things I didn't want to recognize in him. This morning was the last time he's going to come over, be mad about something that someone else said, and dismiss my feelings that I am under the weather and I looked really good in my outfit. Life is just waaay too short and I'm not going to live in the deceptive reality I tried to play with. The clarification I get from these videos is life changing. I am so honored and grateful 💓🥰🥲 🪴💖 🦚
Every guy I connect with naturally is exactly like this. What am I doing unintentionally? How and what can O unlearn or relearn to be the right person? I am 54 and 5 children grown Except for a10 year old daughter Who is watching me I feel broken that I have chosen a man who is mean
easier said than dome when you're finally learning, trying to heal, and it's like ptsd....it IS ptsd...truth is, it's mot just partnership...it's 'friends,' coworkers, family....it's a whole lotta lifelong ...this.
I know what you mean it was non stop talking he would not shut up I called him a motor mouth only time he was quiet is when he went to sleep I believe that they talk even in their sleep a little humor there I know that it's not a laughing matter I laugh to keep from crying sign Cynthia Smith the joy of the Lord is my strength
they love to tell you how overly sensitive you are and how you always take what they say the wrong way like everything that comes out of their mouth is perfect. please. One time I asked for some support, emotional etc. and he says everything's about support with you. WTF?😮😢
When you've already fallen into the pattern of seeking connection/validation from a toxic, non-reciprocating person, it takes a lot of courage to pull away from them and start prioritizing your own health.
I agree, when I noticed I would be okay with him staring at his phone while I talked to the side of his head with no acknowledgment from him whatsoever, I stopped asking "what's wrong with him?" and started asking, "what's wrong with ME?"
And remember everyone OUR work in 'holding them accountable' is walking away. That's where WE need to hold ourselves accountable. We MUST have standards for ourselves and our self respect. Just because you are not the main bad actor does not mean you don't have agency in the dynamic, you can withdraw
So true. We can apologize first, we can be vulnerable, respectful, we tell them we are willing to hear their side, their feelings, respect their boundaries... in the end, they discard us. We can't win with narcissistic people.
Time to not abandon ourselves by using limency. And then have un met expectations and resentments. Maybe un met expectations are need we are to listen to. Instead of using people to plug our hole. Fill our sense of lack. We can't change others. That power is an illusion. I am turning every pointed fingers to me. To see what is true. It is uncomfortable but worth it.❤
No and we still try beating our head against a wall knowing it won't change. Even in divorce my kids watch her new supply doing this being the FB while she needs him unless she is trying out new supply. Augest 15th I hope it's done!
In the end, there isn't any win for both sides. So, I said thank you for this opportunity, for the time that was given and the things that were shared. Then said I think I'm in the wrong place, make good choices and take care of themselves. What else could be said or done? Time take make tomorrow a good day.
Took me 30 years to understand a mutually respectful relationship wasn't possible with a narcissist. One of the best decisions I made was to leave him. With 4 years of help from 2 wonderful counselors (1 who specialist in abuse) & a ton of research & inner reflection changed my life. I'm in a state of contentment now. Life is good....
My last 2 years after leaving my narc former best friend has been the best 2 years of my life. Good luck in your future endavours, the best years of your life are ahead of you.
Wow, my first reaction to the headline was to think: 'That's really mean to say, you can't communicate with them, poor narcissists.' Then I realised that's yet another way of making excuses for them and worrying about their feelings...
Just had a situation with my narcissist. The conversation started with me saying that I hope we can be there for each other, and I'd like to be there during the rainy days, throughout the storm, when things go wrong or whatever, and I want to be there to provide the love and support that's needed no matter the situation. Then I got a good response. Eventually I said that "that day when got home from work and said I'm in a bar mood, your response was " well let met get away from you ASAP, because I don't want to deal with seeing your s*** face"" , and I said that didn't sit well with me because that's not the type of support I'm looking for. Then I got a long rundown, long story short, it was because of the way I brought the message across, and anyone would be repulsed if I approached them like that. In return I couldn't care less and started by saying listen, I understand that this is the way you want me to bring the message across, but it's not my fault that you're only able to accept one way of receiving a message. The issue isn't how I gave the message to you, the issue is the way you chose to respond to my message. I could have been harsh and rude when speaking and someone else would have been happy to listen. But you chose to disappear. Well i let the conversation end there by walking off and didn't care to listen to anything else in the discussion. This happened after I moved out two days ago and got an invite for dinner, then... Was asked to move back in. Obviously the narcissist isn't going to change but I already secured an apartment and job in a different city so it's moving on with my life for me.
Oh Narcissists definitely do communicate!! They communicate "Screw you and everyone, I'm the only one that matters unless you can serve me somehow" loud. And .clear!
Yes. Lived with a narcissist for 47 years and he and his mantra was “I’M NOT, WE’RE NOT, YOU’RE NOT - I CAN’T, WE CAN’T, YOU CAN’T AND I DON’T CARE! - NOT EVEN GOD TELLS ME WHAT TO DO”!!!
I cannot tell you how badly I needed to hear this today. My mother has narcissistic traits. My childhood was so violent and verbally abusive too that I quit high school to move out. It’s been a VERY long road to healing. My mother is senior now, with no friends and few family members left. After all these decades of either verbally abusing me as an adult or just ignoring me for years she all the sudden wants me to talk often. This isn’t a conversation, it’s her talking at me to unload her endless grips of the world. Most of which I find abhorrent (racism etc.) My current therapist thinks I should let her just rail on while I have her on speaker and do my dishes or other errands. I cannot go back to her because I’m so pissed she would suggest this after I said it’s not good for me. Let’s be clear that my mother does not think she treated me badly as a child or even as a young adult. She has no interest in what is happening in my life. Now without a therapist, well I just needed to hear this today!
Your therapist is wrong . Don't answer the phone when it's her, in fact, block her number. Hang up if she calls you. You have no obligation to listen to your abuser and give them even a second of your time.
OP do not entertain your mother. What she is doing is the equivalent of a man who jumps on top of his wife at nights after abusing her...and using her body as a human hand job. He doesn't care about the wife or her needs. It's just about him getting what he wants. And what your mother wants is company. DON'T give it to her. Would a therapist tell a daughter to just try and tolerate her s£xually abusive father? "Oh just sit on his lap sometimes, if it makes daddy feel good." I doubt anyone would think thats acceptable. People just seem to have little regard and/or understanding of narcissistic abuse. That includes lots of therapists too.
As the comment above me said, don't even answer when they call. They are incapable of loving anyone beside themselves, and answering the phone (even if you don't listen) reinforces their perception that they're in the right. Also, not all therapists wants you to get well. They instead wants you to be a returning customer. A content/happy individual with a good support structure doesn't need therapy, and your therapist knows this.
Narcissistic people do not, absolutely do not allow themselves to feel vulnerable, shame or allow themselves to be traumatized. They feel anger, rage ,& disgust...at you. They ignore, dismiss & gaslight others pain as well as their own. Its truly mind boggling.
@@cheryl3746I didn't believe that actually evil people existed, and that it's all a matter of viewpoint and that even abusers were just misunderstood. Then I met my first narcissist and realized (eventually) how very wrong I was.
When for the first time in 38 yrs stuck 24/7 with my NARC (during COVID-LOCKDOWN) - I locked myself in my bathroom and played online scrabble - far far away from all sharp knives - He still doesn't realize - I actually saved HIS LIFE😅
Back when I was still married to my narcissist ex-husband, we went to marriage counseling and at the end of it the therapist said “well it looks like you two just need to communicate more.” That’s when I decided that therapy didn’t work. In retrospect, instead I should’ve kept looking for a better therapist. Years later, when I finally decided to get a divorce, it was because I came to the conscious realization that he simply wasn’t interested in doing anything to make the relationship work, I had done everything I could on my own, and there was nothing more I could do because one person can’t carry a relationship all by themselves.
This is completely accurate... No matter what I do, how many times I apologize, how much yelling or abusive language I endure.... It's never enough. We can only talk about the things I do wrong how I am incapable of listening 😢.
This. I had to come to terms with exactly this and just walk away. Still hurts, and hurts worse because no one involved has ever asked me why after 40 years I had to leave. But I’m still happier and safer than I was so it was worth it.
I walked out away from a relationship 3 years ago after I sought help for myself. Stop. Stop Stop Choose a different person instead of focusing on fixing them. I'm grateful today for the relationship FORCING ME TO SEEK THE HELP I NEEDED. Left. Completely changed my life by OWNING MY PART IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. I volunteered I chose to be in relationship with him because he wanted to marry me.... When all the good was gone after several years, I woke up. Asked for help. Worked and took massive action to heal myself. And walked out the door. Thank you, Jimmy ❤️ Absolute truth shared here from the work you have done and continue to do, from taking responsibility for your part. Bless you.
I dealt with a narcissistic individual the majority of the last year. She would on occasion message me after I'd given up and started to move on and it really did feel like she meant everything she said. There was humility and what seemed like an actual want to change, however it only lasted at most a day or two, mostly only a few hours and then it went back to keeping secrets and shutting me out of her life and using my frustration as a justification for that treatment. Went for about 9 months all up and in the end I just blocked her as I couldn't take it any longer. The hot/cold and gaslighting really affected me and I felt like a failure in the end because I couldn't help this person... who completely shut me out of their life and yet refused to let me go.
I read the other day, "If they are unable to be responsible, acknowledge, to take accountability for their hurtful actions, I will not be able to trust them let alone have any form of relationship with them. Why would anyone trust someone who will not acknowledge or take accountability for their hurtful actions?" - Nic Saluppo Acknowledging and taking Accountability for Wrongdoing = Trust Building; Trustworthiness Not acknowledging or taking accountability for Wrongdoing = NOT Trustworthy
Jimmy you make such important points. I see this type of communication error all the time. “You’re in an abusive relationship” is NOT correct. “You are living with an abuser. There is NO relationship” is more correct language. Or “you’re living with someone who is exploritng you, it’s not a relationship, it’s an imbalance of power at your expense.” No one can communicate with a person wanting to exploit you and control you. Because every communication gives the abuser MORE ways to exploit you.
I tried so hard to fix everything, to save him, to give him everything to show him that I cared and love him. I tried using the techniques to communicate and apologize with him, nothing really was effective.I just ending up feeling drained, depressed, and feeling like crap, especially after those 4-5 hour fights over the phone that would go into 4 or 5am. I just accepted being at fault and apologizing just to end the fight. I was in his sea of wrong while he sailed his ship of right. Quoting him, "99% of everything is your fault in this relationship" took NO accountability for his actions and words said/done to me and only apologized when he FELT he was in the wrong. UGH 🙄😑 So glad im out and done! 8 years.....finally over.
I live 30 minutes drive from my narcissistic dad. For the past 7 years I told him that if he wants to repair our relationship he needs to come for a cup of coffee just the two of us and he hasn't done that even once. He doesn't want to do the work.
Why don't you go to him? Looks like you're making it into a power struggle. You should not expect a parent to come to you and ask for an audience with you.
@@evawebster1518 Maybe you're right. Maybe I should lean on my communication skills instead of his. Maybe I should lead the change I want with the vulnerability and respect I want to be reciprocated. Maybe I should except the fact he can't communicate and find a way to work around that. Maybe I should show him through my actions which values can fix things. I can save this relationship myself, he doesn't have to put the effort if he doesn't want to. Maybe if I'll show him one more time how valuable I am he'll finally believe it...
@@idolapidus7802 Poor little victim you. If he can't communicate, as you say, why do you expect him to show up at your door and beg for a conversation with you? There is a bit of a narcissistic drama queen in you. He may be just as disappointed in you as you are in him. Sad. Keep thinking that it's all his fault, and you're perfect. That will fix everything - not.
@@evawebster1518 I don't know why you're trying to insult me but maybe you should try a different angle. First of all an appeal to ridicule is a lazy attempt because it's a nonsensical logical fallacy. Nothing I said could realistically make you assume I think I'm perfect or that I want him to beg. Second, most of your arguments are conjectures that came from thin air. For example I never said nor implied I stopped going to him, only that he refuses to come see me. You should ask more questions about the situation before you attempt to insult someone. Third and maybe most importantly- you lack the context needed to assume you know if I'm right to be angry or not. Now, I'm guessing this reel was made as an attempt to create a safe space to make sense of our connections with narcissist people in our lives. If me sharing my experience triggered you somehow then maybe that's something you should investigate. You're more then welcome to tell me exactly what I said that made you want to be mean but try to make it more specific then your insults. Shabbat shalom :)
@@evawebster1518we must wonder what possessed you to mock & ridicule someone else's dilemna. That is in very bad taste & inappropriate behaviour. Only self- aggrandizement is what is showing through that bully move.
This is true in friendships too... the narcissist part doesn't even matter in some ways... when people behave that way and won't communicate we have to save ourselves..
When the parent's words echo in our heads when triggered, you know you've been programmed to believe the lies. Saying out loud the truth will override that bad programming over time. Many of us grew up in homes where shaming was a great way to corral kiddos to make them obey, behave, be nice, etc. With the God of the Holy Bible, He says, there is no more condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Yeshua)! So look up the opposite & similar words for condemnation in a thesarus. Speak it to your brain outloud. It runs like a computer, so rewrite your brain. It takes about 3 yrs to dissolve old pathways of thought and create new ones! So there is hope for a brighter tomorrow!
This accurately describes my 7 year relationship. He rarely communicated anything that exposed his vulnerability . After the break up I sent an email four months later and apologized for my mistakes and wished him well and hope he finds love and happiness with someone else. I got nothing in return.
Ever had a one way communication where there’s no respect accountability or attempt to connect. Then you blow up with reactive abuse and now you’re the bad guy. Omg 🎉 so happy to be freeee
yeah, thanks for this. Often i got told, 'come on, you are an adult' cou can stay over it and be ok' while I think, when i still hold contact, I just invite the narcissist to do more damage.
Yep, did that for 24 years. I almost went crazy trying to fix our relationship. It never changed, just got more sneaky, more lies, more blame, more anger and violence. I twisted myself inside out trying to make it work.
Exactly. Thank you for this! All said is well resumed.... they don't communicate. Only when calculated, by form of manipulation. They decide when it's your turn to communicate. They thrive on pre-wished results, while over inflating their importance. So, indeed, they almost never, communicate, for they are not interested in one's perspective. And if they are, it's not mutually respected. They just don't care. They indeed push others in the subdued role. These patterns overstep boundaries in endless forms.... most probably they act like done upon them by their parents or care takers. Let's just say they are not aware. Anyway, I agree. With a narcissist there is no relationship, although they'd make you feel there is one, words really do matter but not for them. Words are used to let them emphasize they are in charge, or so that they never can be held accountable. Their pridefullness, they can keep it. I myself stopped holding them accountable. Then don't work, don't respect. I'm good now. Holding them accountable again and again, it only feeds them, or more their need to be fixed. They actually anticipate this. In the meanwhile, they keep on mastering the art of silent treatment, thus their manipulative skills reign. This is the only 'work' they put in. And yes. It's demeaning, arrogant, selfcentered. The respect they demand themselves is not given. They explode when you try and explain the lack of respect, then leave it unreciprocated furthermore. It's draining. Really awful. Communication, or balancing out reciprocity to them might feel like they'd die. Would they really?
Sounds familiar for sure! I did cast out an argumentative spirit and thought my marriage would be over for me daring to think they were doing anything wrong. But instead, it left bc my mate would rather love me than fight. It was totally bliss for 3 full weeks. But then it all became the same once again. But if my mate wants true freedom, he will fight against the "it". He just had it for so long, it felt weird I'm sure when it was gone. So all those years I was dealing with a demon. Thats why there never was resolution or forgiveness or intimacy of hearts. But now the demon is on the outside, that wants to persuade but can't control unless my mate falls for the tactics. The battle really is in the mind, first of all. And yes, any believer in Jesus (Yeshua), can cast out those tormenting devils. Just gotta catch them in action. It took over 35 yrs for me to understand that.
Psychotherapist here. I really wish that we would delineate between narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic personality disorder. It's important to do so.
Dr. Ramani makes a great argument that the delineation isn't necessary. Using the term "narcissist" is about labeling a pattern of behavior, not diagnosing someone in an office. She's the EXPERT on narcissism and a PhD. You really should read her books and watch her videos.
@@SENSEF I said nothing about diagnosis. And, I have my own PhD and research. I appreciate your attachment to this one way of thinking, but maybe just consider what clarity brings to the table.
Communication is listening, comprehending and acting to improve, not just expect to be listened to for the sake of getting attention by telling lies, not taking ownership of our own behaviors or perspectives. ❤. Spot on, Jimmy! 🎉
I was literally taught to communicate with narcissists until I dropped dead from exhaustion, and it is a miracle that I woke up and recognized it in my 50s (🤯).
Thank you for this! I get triggered from only hearing the word 'communication' at this point😂 I've been pushed and manipulated to keep communicating with my husband by therapists and other people that I reached out to even though I let them know I felt unsafe with him and was constantly getting hurt and manipulated. I'm glad I finally realised I had to go 'no contact' and stop giving him (and his therapist) anything to gaslight me with.
Narcissist has the most wounded soul, and can’t you tell- the world is full of them! And if they won’t become aware of it and work on those issues, they will keep on damaging countless number of vulnerable souls… we end with them, they move on onto someone else…what good does it do collectively? Cause you can end up with another narcissist later on yourself
I've spent time with too many of them. I know what to look for, finally. In fact I just put 2and2 together, all these years, my freaking Sister is textbook. A couple of years ago she said that my Daughter was a narcissist, stopped me in my tracks, I thought no that isn't true, why would you say that, then it hit me like a train!!! She's six years older, I just turned 64 lol She's been stringing me along my whole life, looking back I believe she is the seat of my trauma!! Crazy, never too late to be circumspect. My last relationship started off like a dream, we were so in love. Same ol story, he ever so gently started getting self centered and a little mean, one weekend camping he lost it on me, he spewed for about 15 minutes about what's wrong with me. It absolutely was not true. We'd been together for years and had finally decided to move in together. That Sunday night we said goodbye and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. Again it was like a light came on. I actually moved a month later and I'd cut any way to get hold of me, he keeps calling my Son in law asking to have me call him, I don't. Sorry lol guess I'm venting, but I'm really good, I feel calm, collected and sorta powerful. ✌💜🇨🇦
Just my words. Every expert says leave or avoid them, more hurt and wounds for them and new victims. We should be assertive and compassionate, we should heal the world. Of course not by taking s---- but we should ask questions, making them think and reflect, when they answer not taking it personally. I've a family member, who is N. When I ask questions and let him think, miracles happen. When he tells a lie or something hurtful, I say I need time to process this, I'll be back after a couple of days, I distance myself a couple of days, I take a break. When I return, there is peace and good treatment. Of course if he was my partner, I'd have said goodbye from the very beginning :-D
B I N G O...!!! ✔️🙌👍I lived with a "N" for 17 yrs and it took a huge courage to leave... It was the best decision I've made in my life... We're powerful & SOVEREIGN beings and we deserve all abundance, incl. happy and harmonious relationships/connections!!! Many blessings to all who experienced this. 🙏💙
I like that he doesn’t tell people to leave relationships because he knows it’s case by case. And I really appreciate that his videos are not man vs woman, and understanding that there are both good and bad men and women. Most of these kinds of videos someone’s the victim and someone the villain. He’s really good at not framing that narrative
"They aren't interested" Jimmy, I am so happy I found your videos. There is a typo, the words say "they are interested" but hearing you, I believe you say, which makes sense, "they aren't interested" Thank you again for an amazing nugget!!
I love the way you are rewording this and the clarity it brings. After all the gaslighting and brain fog these words are a lighthouse of hope. Thank you.💜
Absolutely true, I learned this the hard way with my first ex, nothing I say can break through that brick of a mind 😂 save the breath and just go no contact
Well said Jimmy, im supporting a friend that's has put up with this from their Partner, but he's so hurt , im really worried he will never heal from enduring her bad behaviour for so long. I'm sending healing prayers to him and his children .
Your posts are always great, but this is the best thing you’ve ever put on the internet. Thank you for this incredible validation. Perfectly articulated. ❤🙏🏼❤
My guy would say everything like he completely knew everything he was doing and apologize. It’s like he knew what was in my head and everything that I wanted to hear. Didn’t change a damn thing..
My first best friend has narcissistic traits and treated me like crap even from the time we were 8. I was behind socially and she was manipulative (i have no idea where she learned to be manipulative so young, but she did 🙄) and it took a long time for me to realize how badly i was being treated because that was simply how i thought friendship worked. Eventually, my mom realized that i was essentially being bullied by this girl, and now i only have to see her once a year!! Unfortunately, the effects of this shitty friendship have lasted, and over five years later, i still struggle with healthy friendships, setting boundries, my self esteem, and being emotionally available. Moral of the story is to please distance yourself from anyone with narcissistic traits (or for whatever reason they treat you like shit) and parents, please ensure that your kids arent being bullied under the guise of friendship. I know its difficult to realize, especially if the child is very young, but it helps a ton if you can distance your kid away from anyone like that and teach them skills to help them cope with people like that.
I ended a 20 year "friendship" with a narc. Started when we were 15 up to 6 months ago. She showed me how she felt about me the whole time and I just couldn't see it. Unfortunately, she is my sons aunt, so some communication is necessary. And, boy does she still try to control and hoover. She was nicer to me after I ended the friendship than she was when we were friends and I told her so. She did not like that. I'm glad your mom was able to see it and get you out of that situation. I'm sorry you went through it. It's terrible. I wish you the very best life has to offer.
I had to go to the ER today. Started crying bc I was scared. My husband told me to "Grow the Fuck up" I'm home now. Still sick to my stomach. Sad moreso bc how he treated me more than the pain of my condition.
You are right. They do not communicate. They don't do emotion they don't even feel. They only continue to master the art of survival and dominance. Truly despicable people. Bad parenting if any parenting.
This is very important information for people in a relationship they must know the difference between you know a person that has some issues and a person who is actually a narcissist because the narcissist is not going to change and it doesn't matter how well you communicate with them.
This hit so close to home. Recently divorced from someone I spent 22 years with, until I woke up one day and thought 'why am I trying so hard? I'm not even happy'
How is life for you now? I’m coming up on 21 years marriage to a covert narc. It feels impossible to get out bc of kids and finances. I’m hoping I can get out soon. The unknown feels so scary.
@@RhymeandRamblings My situation was the same - he makes more money than me and we share a teenager, and the divorce part was terrifying, but now that I am out and have my own place, I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. The last 8 months have been crazy for me - divorce, new job, new house, new car... but it was all needed changes. The hardest part now is that our son goes back and forth one week here, one week at his dad's, etc, and I have always been so used to doing everything for him and spending time with him all the time - so it's been difficult letting go of our normal weekly movie outings or daytrips with friends, but we are adjusting.
@@queensavageooc9585 I’m happy for you. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It gives me hope. Is your son okay with all the back and forth? That’s definitely something that concerns me.
They communicate. They clearly state that we don't matter, our needs are irrelevant, our feelings are wrong, our lives are worthless. Communication is more than just words.
Oh, narcissists can communicate, they listen to therapists to "say" the Right things to gaslight you. They are smart and figure out how to communicate with intent.
**Not interested in accountability, my perspective, or anything mutually respectful** Exactly!! No legitimate, satisfying communication going on around here... it's downright delusional at this point
Sometimes I worry I might be a narcissist, but then I can’t tell if I am one or if I just picked up unhealthy coping mechanisms from growing up with one (or two).
Love this! I experienced that narcissists definitely communicate, they communicate every negative thing they think about you, constantly. What they don’t do is engage in communication in order to receive your message or perspective. It’s only ever one sided, leaving us on the other side confused and believing we are the total problem.
Just leave it to God. ❤ narcissist is demonic spirit. You can go with no contact with them if that helps with giving you a peace of mind, which it does help.. but leave the rest to God to deal with them. Fear the Lord.
![Run Away - Tzuyu(TWICE) ツウィ 쯔위 [Music Bank] | KBS WORLD TV 240906](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/KnHNNyAYiu0/mqdefault.jpg)
"Find the courage to leave the table when respect is no longer being served."
Words from a song by Charles Aznavour!! Love it!
That's awesome!!
umm that's nice. but when you dont have finances or the have other leverage over you, that's victim blaming.
@@lisetteem588 I agree that it gets complicated in abusive situations, especially financial abuse/isolation or when there's kids involved. The quote is meant for independent adults who are struggling with making the right choice about a manipulative partner, though it can be extended to family or job situations as well. Rather than blame, my intention in sharing this is to motivate people.
Desperate times call for desperate measures: often you have to do the radical thing to get out of an abusive cycle, and that takes a LOT of courage.
I know it's not fair. I wish the world were a place where everyone was always respectful and kind. But since that's not the reality we live in, often it is up to each individual to stand up for themselves, protest mistreatment, and make sure they are putting their own safety/best interests first.
@@WilliamDancin so superfluous and just adding to the milieu..and yes it would sound like blame for certain.
If you have to BEG someone to: see you, value you, spend time with you, listen to you, etc., you are begging for basic human decency. Move away and move on.
Well said!
That part 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
How am I supposed to do this when it’s my mom and she’s losing her sight due to alcoholism. Doesn’t that make me a shitty person for not helping her?
@@myahitt1247 Hey, I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. That sounds really challenging. The thing is, you only have to help/interact with her as much as you're comfortable with. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If she's lost in alcoholism, she does need help, but that help doesn't have to come from you. She was a grown adult long before you came along, and it's literally not your job to rescue her from her own bad choices.
@@WilliamDancin I just see her deteriorating and I know she’s scared but she won’t do anything to help herself and she’s all stressed out because of her finances when she built her retirement around selling her house and now she doesn’t wanna leave and she’s making it my problem by making me pay her money and I’m sorry but I have my own bills and life to pay and she’s making it so difficult for me to succeed while guilting me into staying and helping her and I can’t help but do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t
Safer to stay quiet. Whatever you say it gets twisted. Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
Time to get judged by the look on your face!
They love a good double bind - heads they win, tails you lose
ruclips.net/video/vnSiJOOdo30/видео.htmlsi=d3QzwVFlcaCR1lnn
Yeah, the best option is cut off contact. There's no point in wasting your energy with people like that.
Only engage with third party present and video, or written communications if you have to engage at all.
@@TheMazinoz I gradually started going NC (no contact) with a family member. I started by ensuring our living situation was separate, and never visited them at their home nor invited them to mine. Any time we met, we met in a public place (restaurant, etc), sometimes with a 3rd party present. It was the only way I could interact with them to ensure they would behaving in a civil manner. Eventually, there was no point in doing even that, because it was a net-zero-value relationship & not worth keeping up just for old time's sake.
That’s right! Narcissists don’t communicate, they lecture.
not all. some also listen, so the can use it as ammunition later. you have to be careful.
Oh shoot I lectured :(
Lol, I always say they are constantly "training" and "educating" everyone in their path. They'll shoot their shot on anyone until they find someone who falls for it.
@@lisetteem588Wow. He asked me what I owe on a CC? $1,400
What %? Um 29%. He threw it in my face over n over. Now owe $600. Doesn’t matter! But he doesn’t have one. My score is 781. Be careful what U share!
@katherinegordon8088… just because you lecture you’re not a narc. You probably wanted to be seen heard and valued. It’s not true that narcs lecture, I dealt with the most self centered person I’ve ever known and he did not lecture me or even bother to talk to me.
He didn’t consider my feelings, empathy and accountability wasn’t a thing. He breadcrumbed, gaslit, manipulated, used, future faked, blame shifted, deflected, guilt tripped, stonewalled, silent treatment…. All of those things. “Stop lecturing me” was just another gaslighting technique
I'm married to a textbook narcissist. He's absolutely correct. After 15 years of soul draining labor, I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that they don't actually listen. They just wait for you to stop talking so they can repeat what they initially said and then remind you that you're grossly inadequate in some bizarre way that nobody else in their right mind would even imagine.
My god this rings 💯 true
Dr. Henry Cloud has a great talk about the 2 types of narcissists. Good food for thought. One, there is no hope & the other one, there is.
why dont u leave?
@@EternalLove.1111it is not easy to leave and start your entire life over again. trust me I am still digging out of that pit after being married 26 years and finally being divorced
@@vintihar03 All the best for you 💪🍀🌹
After years of trying, I learned. Abusers don’t communicate, they deliberately frustrate
BIG FACTS!
They don't care
Yess Ma'am. I would become so infuriated that stress gave me a blood pressure reading at a high of 171over 113. I showed him the numbers on the bp monitor and that's when I finally woke up and realized... he is truly a devil who came to steal kill and destroy me.
Yes it's called gas lighting 😂
They communicate with a purpose.. THEIR purpose.
Exactly
You’ve hit this so hard on the head. Well said
Their lies and building on those lies! The other person means nothing to them!
@@daveshoemaker7137 loyalty, decency, respect, none mean anything to them… except if you “embellish” them
Doesn’t mean it’s any easier to detach from someone you love and care about deeply.
I've been wondering what your connection is with narcissism as a topic? Like, I get you're married, so that's where your relationship content comes from. I'm assuming neither you nor your partner are narcissits, but you've obviously been effected by it. Mine is my father. 😭
It’s not !
I started to cry when you validated everything I knew about the guy I've been trying to connect with emotionally and mentally for 5 years. He told me yesterday if anyone told him he's a narcissist he'd punch them in the face. He's asked me to marry him and move back in with him but slowly I've come to realize that he just wants me to mommy him and let him treat me like less than and control me to fit his needs. I have to walk away from the financial stability too because of his actions and verbage there is just no stability of the relationship and I'm exhausted from letting him know about all the inner work I've been doing and he just looks for the next shiny thing to keep him occupied and forgets about everything else. Damnit Jimmy I could be mad at you pointing these things out to us but I can't because it's manipulations and arrogance, and just ugh, things I didn't want to recognize in him. This morning was the last time he's going to come over, be mad about something that someone else said, and dismiss my feelings that I am under the weather and I looked really good in my outfit. Life is just waaay too short and I'm not going to live in the deceptive reality I tried to play with.
The clarification I get from these videos is life changing. I am so honored and grateful 💓🥰🥲 🪴💖 🦚
Every guy I connect with naturally is exactly like this. What am I doing unintentionally? How and what can O unlearn or relearn to be the right person?
I am 54 and 5 children grown
Except for a10 year old daughter
Who is watching me
I feel broken that I have chosen a man who is mean
Thank you 😢 ❤
They don't communicate, they operate. Absolutely NO accountability. Run!
Well put 👏 👌 👍
easier said than dome when you're finally learning, trying to heal, and it's like ptsd....it IS ptsd...truth is, it's mot just partnership...it's 'friends,' coworkers, family....it's a whole lotta lifelong ...this.
This ‼️
He avoided deep conversations like the plague. It was always surface talk, but boy did he love talking about himself and his plans.
I know what you mean it was non stop talking he would not shut up I called him a motor mouth only time he was quiet is when he went to sleep I believe that they talk even in their sleep a little humor there I know that it's not a laughing matter I laugh to keep from crying sign Cynthia Smith the joy of the Lord is my strength
What kind of conversations would they avoid?
Conversation that comes with acceptence of thier mistake or validation of feelings....all the deep and emotionally intimate conversations @@frace3824
Or master storyteller 😵💫
@@ElleH123-w7wAnd same stories
Over
And over
And over
And over ….
They don’t care how you feel, they only care about themselves.
they love to tell you how overly sensitive you are and how you always take what they say the wrong way like everything that comes out of their mouth is perfect. please. One time I asked for some support, emotional etc. and he says everything's about support with you. WTF?😮😢
When you've already fallen into the pattern of seeking connection/validation from a toxic, non-reciprocating person, it takes a lot of courage to pull away from them and start prioritizing your own health.
Really had no idea the toll it would take on health.
Yeah, I was discarded recently. Thankfully, but it’s definitely a wild work in progress for sure.
It’s too late for me. He, however, will thrive, long after I’m gone.
@@BattleBurkeThat's a good way to explain how I feel. discarded after decades
I agree, when I noticed I would be okay with him staring at his phone while I talked to the side of his head with no acknowledgment from him whatsoever, I stopped asking "what's wrong with him?" and started asking, "what's wrong with ME?"
"When they show you who they are, believe them the first time."
No contact as much as possible. Live in peace.
Never beg someone to treat you with respect. Walk away..
💯💯💯
@@greta3315 And watch Miss Danielle Radin. She will educate you. She is a good, wise, and kind person.
And remember everyone OUR work in 'holding them accountable' is walking away. That's where WE need to hold ourselves accountable. We MUST have standards for ourselves and our self respect. Just because you are not the main bad actor does not mean you don't have agency in the dynamic, you can withdraw
I did it! I found the courage to walk away! Five years. But I finally did it.
@@ebrennieCongratulations. Life only gets better after leaving an abusive narc.
So true. We can apologize first, we can be vulnerable, respectful, we tell them we are willing to hear their side, their feelings, respect their boundaries... in the end, they discard us. We can't win with narcissistic people.
When you say ‘win’, I think you mean ‘be valued and respected by’, right?
@@jfdc8432 Exactly. Be heard, understood, valued and respected. The bare minimum.
Time to not abandon ourselves by using limency. And then have un met expectations and resentments.
Maybe un met expectations are need we are to listen to. Instead of using people to plug our hole. Fill our sense of lack.
We can't change others.
That power is an illusion.
I am turning every pointed fingers to me. To see what is true. It is uncomfortable but worth it.❤
No and we still try beating our head against a wall knowing it won't change. Even in divorce my kids watch her new supply doing this being the FB while she needs him unless she is trying out new supply. Augest 15th I hope it's done!
In the end, there isn't any win for both sides. So, I said thank you for this opportunity, for the time that was given and the things that were shared. Then said I think I'm in the wrong place, make good choices and take care of themselves.
What else could be said or done? Time take make tomorrow a good day.
Took me 30 years to understand a mutually respectful relationship wasn't possible with a narcissist. One of the best decisions I made was to leave him. With 4 years of help from 2 wonderful counselors (1 who specialist in abuse) & a ton of research & inner reflection changed my life. I'm in a state of contentment now. Life is good....
Counseling and internal work are PRICESLESS!!❤❤
My last 2 years after leaving my narc former best friend has been the best 2 years of my life. Good luck in your future endavours, the best years of your life are ahead of you.
Wow, my first reaction to the headline was to think: 'That's really mean to say, you can't communicate with them, poor narcissists.' Then I realised that's yet another way of making excuses for them and worrying about their feelings...
Because you are a normal person with feelings and it doesn’t make sense that they don’t. But they don’t. 😮
Just had a situation with my narcissist.
The conversation started with me saying that I hope we can be there for each other, and I'd like to be there during the rainy days, throughout the storm, when things go wrong or whatever, and I want to be there to provide the love and support that's needed no matter the situation. Then I got a good response.
Eventually I said that "that day when got home from work and said I'm in a bar mood, your response was " well let met get away from you ASAP, because I don't want to deal with seeing your s*** face"" , and I said that didn't sit well with me because that's not the type of support I'm looking for. Then I got a long rundown, long story short, it was because of the way I brought the message across, and anyone would be repulsed if I approached them like that.
In return I couldn't care less and started by saying listen, I understand that this is the way you want me to bring the message across, but it's not my fault that you're only able to accept one way of receiving a message. The issue isn't how I gave the message to you, the issue is the way you chose to respond to my message. I could have been harsh and rude when speaking and someone else would have been happy to listen. But you chose to disappear.
Well i let the conversation end there by walking off and didn't care to listen to anything else in the discussion.
This happened after I moved out two days ago and got an invite for dinner, then... Was asked to move back in.
Obviously the narcissist isn't going to change but I already secured an apartment and job in a different city so it's moving on with my life for me.
Whoot good for you!!
S/he is right - somebody else would be happy to be in her / his presence. I think the message is pretty clear, unfortunately.
Congratulations
Good for you. I hope everything works out. Don’t look back. You’re doing the right thing believe me I know.
This….has been my life for the past 5 years…
They’re never wrong, so they never owe you an apology.
Oh Narcissists definitely do communicate!! They communicate "Screw you and everyone, I'm the only one that matters unless you can serve me somehow" loud. And .clear!
Yes. Lived with a narcissist for 47 years and he and his mantra was “I’M NOT, WE’RE NOT, YOU’RE NOT - I CAN’T, WE CAN’T, YOU CAN’T AND I DON’T CARE! - NOT EVEN GOD TELLS ME WHAT TO DO”!!!
💯💯💯
What a childlike person #spolitbratt
Wow it’s sad because you hold on because you think they will get better
@@cheesydorito6337 Your replying opens their reactive & accusatory "Always/Never" floodgates
My wise grandma would say "God's gonna FIX you"
I cannot tell you how badly I needed to hear this today. My mother has narcissistic traits. My childhood was so violent and verbally abusive too that I quit high school to move out. It’s been a VERY long road to healing. My mother is senior now, with no friends and few family members left. After all these decades of either verbally abusing me as an adult or just ignoring me for years she all the sudden wants me to talk often. This isn’t a conversation, it’s her talking at me to unload her endless grips of the world. Most of which I find abhorrent (racism etc.) My current therapist thinks I should let her just rail on while I have her on speaker and do my dishes or other errands. I cannot go back to her because I’m so pissed she would suggest this after I said it’s not good for me. Let’s be clear that my mother does not think she treated me badly as a child or even as a young adult. She has no interest in what is happening in my life. Now without a therapist, well I just needed to hear this today!
Your therapist is wrong . Don't answer the phone when it's her, in fact, block her number. Hang up if she calls you. You have no obligation to listen to your abuser and give them even a second of your time.
OP do not entertain your mother. What she is doing is the equivalent of a man who jumps on top of his wife at nights after abusing her...and using her body as a human hand job. He doesn't care about the wife or her needs. It's just about him getting what he wants. And what your mother wants is company. DON'T give it to her.
Would a therapist tell a daughter to just try and tolerate her s£xually abusive father? "Oh just sit on his lap sometimes, if it makes daddy feel good."
I doubt anyone would think thats acceptable. People just seem to have little regard and/or understanding of narcissistic abuse. That includes lots of therapists too.
As the comment above me said, don't even answer when they call. They are incapable of loving anyone beside themselves, and answering the phone (even if you don't listen) reinforces their perception that they're in the right.
Also, not all therapists wants you to get well. They instead wants you to be a returning customer. A content/happy individual with a good support structure doesn't need therapy, and your therapist knows this.
💯 how traumatizing it is to be with a narcissist.
Narcissistic people do not, absolutely do not allow themselves to feel vulnerable, shame or allow themselves to be traumatized. They feel anger, rage ,& disgust...at you. They ignore, dismiss & gaslight others pain as well as their own. Its truly mind boggling.
@@cheryl3746I didn't believe that actually evil people existed, and that it's all a matter of viewpoint and that even abusers were just misunderstood. Then I met my first narcissist and realized (eventually) how very wrong I was.
Not interested in my perspective-this is the best description of a narcissistic behaviour
You never know when they are serious or joking.
At the end of the day, YOU are to blame, never them. RUN 🏃♂️ if you can.
The solution is where ? If at the end of the day is the other one to blame -than what is the other one have to do ?
As you the song “The Gambler” says- “You got to know when to hold’em, know when to fold’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.”
When for the first time in 38 yrs stuck 24/7 with my NARC (during COVID-LOCKDOWN) - I locked myself in my bathroom and played online scrabble - far far away from all sharp knives - He still doesn't realize - I actually saved HIS LIFE😅
Back when I was still married to my narcissist ex-husband, we went to marriage counseling and at the end of it the therapist said “well it looks like you two just need to communicate more.” That’s when I decided that therapy didn’t work. In retrospect, instead I should’ve kept looking for a better therapist. Years later, when I finally decided to get a divorce, it was because I came to the conscious realization that he simply wasn’t interested in doing anything to make the relationship work, I had done everything I could on my own, and there was nothing more I could do because one person can’t carry a relationship all by themselves.
Perfect! They won't accept any accountability.Leave now!
Narcissistic tendencies include haughty accusations.
This is their version of center-stage (always) conversations.
This is completely accurate... No matter what I do, how many times I apologize, how much yelling or abusive language I endure.... It's never enough. We can only talk about the things I do wrong how I am incapable of listening 😢.
This. I had to come to terms with exactly this and just walk away. Still hurts, and hurts worse because no one involved has ever asked me why after 40 years I had to leave. But I’m still happier and safer than I was so it was worth it.
I walked out away from a relationship 3 years ago after I sought help for myself.
Stop.
Stop
Stop
Choose a different person instead of focusing on fixing them.
I'm grateful today for the relationship FORCING ME TO SEEK THE HELP I NEEDED.
Left.
Completely changed my life by OWNING MY PART IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I volunteered
I chose to be in relationship with him because he wanted to marry me....
When all the good was gone after several years, I woke up. Asked for help. Worked and took massive action to heal myself.
And walked out the door.
Thank you, Jimmy ❤️
Absolute truth shared here from the work you have done and continue to do, from taking responsibility for your part.
Bless you.
Something to remember: "If someone wanted to, they would." If they want to spend time with you, they will make the time and effort to do so.
I dealt with a narcissistic individual the majority of the last year. She would on occasion message me after I'd given up and started to move on and it really did feel like she meant everything she said. There was humility and what seemed like an actual want to change, however it only lasted at most a day or two, mostly only a few hours and then it went back to keeping secrets and shutting me out of her life and using my frustration as a justification for that treatment. Went for about 9 months all up and in the end I just blocked her as I couldn't take it any longer.
The hot/cold and gaslighting really affected me and I felt like a failure in the end because I couldn't help this person... who completely shut me out of their life and yet refused to let me go.
This couldn’t be any more true. They don’t want to be accountable for anything!
I read the other day, "If they are unable to be responsible, acknowledge, to take accountability for their hurtful actions, I will not be able to trust them let alone have any form of relationship with them. Why would anyone trust someone who will not acknowledge or take accountability for their hurtful actions?" - Nic Saluppo
Acknowledging and taking Accountability for Wrongdoing = Trust Building; Trustworthiness
Not acknowledging or taking accountability for Wrongdoing = NOT Trustworthy
Narcissists don't want to change, because their situation works for them.
If I would be a narcisssit I would have go to doctor to treat my self.
Jimmy you make such important points. I see this type of communication error all the time. “You’re in an abusive relationship” is NOT correct. “You are living with an abuser. There is NO relationship” is more correct language. Or “you’re living with someone who is exploritng you, it’s not a relationship, it’s an imbalance of power at your expense.” No one can communicate with a person wanting to exploit you and control you. Because every communication gives the abuser MORE ways to exploit you.
I took my power back. I simply walk away from things when I notice that it’s going down that crazy path. Years later, nothing feels better! ❤
I tried so hard to fix everything, to save him, to give him everything to show him that I cared and love him. I tried using the techniques to communicate and apologize with him, nothing really was effective.I just ending up feeling drained, depressed, and feeling like crap, especially after those 4-5 hour fights over the phone that would go into 4 or 5am. I just accepted being at fault and apologizing just to end the fight. I was in his sea of wrong while he sailed his ship of right. Quoting him, "99% of everything is your fault in this relationship" took NO accountability for his actions and words said/done to me and only apologized when he FELT he was in the wrong. UGH 🙄😑 So glad im out and done! 8 years.....finally over.
That’s so draining and exhausting
@@kristinB. yup, it was =_= it was horrible
I live 30 minutes drive from my narcissistic dad. For the past 7 years I told him that if he wants to repair our relationship he needs to come for a cup of coffee just the two of us and he hasn't done that even once. He doesn't want to do the work.
Why don't you go to him? Looks like you're making it into a power struggle. You should not expect a parent to come to you and ask for an audience with you.
@@evawebster1518 Maybe you're right. Maybe I should lean on my communication skills instead of his. Maybe I should lead the change I want with the vulnerability and respect I want to be reciprocated. Maybe I should except the fact he can't communicate and find a way to work around that. Maybe I should show him through my actions which values can fix things. I can save this relationship myself, he doesn't have to put the effort if he doesn't want to. Maybe if I'll show him one more time how valuable I am he'll finally believe it...
@@idolapidus7802 Poor little victim you. If he can't communicate, as you say, why do you expect him to show up at your door and beg for a conversation with you? There is a bit of a narcissistic drama queen in you. He may be just as disappointed in you as you are in him. Sad. Keep thinking that it's all his fault, and you're perfect. That will fix everything - not.
@@evawebster1518 I don't know why you're trying to insult me but maybe you should try a different angle.
First of all an appeal to ridicule is a lazy attempt because it's a nonsensical logical fallacy. Nothing I said could realistically make you assume I think I'm perfect or that I want him to beg.
Second, most of your arguments are conjectures that came from thin air. For example I never said nor implied I stopped going to him, only that he refuses to come see me. You should ask more questions about the situation before you attempt to insult someone.
Third and maybe most importantly- you lack the context needed to assume you know if I'm right to be angry or not.
Now, I'm guessing this reel was made as an attempt to create a safe space to make sense of our connections with narcissist people in our lives. If me sharing my experience triggered you somehow then maybe that's something you should investigate. You're more then welcome to tell me exactly what I said that made you want to be mean but try to make it more specific then your insults.
Shabbat shalom :)
@@evawebster1518we must wonder what possessed you to mock & ridicule someone else's dilemna. That is in very bad taste & inappropriate behaviour. Only self- aggrandizement is what is showing through that bully move.
This is true in friendships too... the narcissist part doesn't even matter in some ways... when people behave that way and won't communicate we have to save ourselves..
This was absolutely POWERFUL!!!! The change in perception of thought and accountability is everything. Thank you so much!!!!
I love this distinction Narcissist don't or are unable to communicate because of their wounds that they need to face in order to heal.
The best communication is meaningless if the person you're trying to communicate with refuses to comprehend you.
as someone with a narcissistic mother, i needed this. i keep on blaming myself and telling myself that “i’m a horrible daughter with no patience”.
When the parent's words echo in our heads when triggered, you know you've been programmed to believe the lies. Saying out loud the truth will override that bad programming over time. Many of us grew up in homes where shaming was a great way to corral kiddos to make them obey, behave, be nice, etc.
With the God of the Holy Bible, He says, there is no more condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Yeshua)! So look up the opposite & similar words for condemnation in a thesarus. Speak it to your brain outloud. It runs like a computer, so rewrite your brain. It takes about 3 yrs to dissolve old pathways of thought and create new ones! So there is hope for a brighter tomorrow!
Yes They Communicate what they feel and what they think is worth. Communicating for Themselves
I love how you’re putting it. Turn the tables and stop expecting the unavailable. It’s not you,it’s them.
Such a perfect description- opened my eyes
This accurately describes my 7 year relationship. He rarely communicated anything that exposed his vulnerability . After the break up I sent an email four months later and apologized for my mistakes and wished him well and hope he finds love and happiness with someone else. I got nothing in return.
Ever had a one way communication where there’s no respect accountability or attempt to connect. Then you blow up with reactive abuse and now you’re the bad guy. Omg 🎉 so happy to be freeee
yeah, thanks for this. Often i got told, 'come on, you are an adult' cou can stay over it and be ok' while I think, when i still hold contact, I just invite the narcissist to do more damage.
Yep, did that for 24 years. I almost went crazy trying to fix our relationship. It never changed, just got more sneaky, more lies, more blame, more anger and violence. I twisted myself inside out trying to make it work.
Finally, we are able to see the truth instead of blaming ourselves for making a mistake in choosing our relationship/s ❤❤❤❤❤
Exactly. Thank you for this!
All said is well resumed....
they don't communicate. Only when calculated, by form of manipulation. They decide when it's your turn to communicate. They thrive on pre-wished results, while over inflating their importance.
So, indeed, they almost never, communicate, for they are not interested in one's perspective. And if they are, it's not mutually respected. They just don't care.
They indeed push others in the subdued role. These patterns overstep boundaries in endless forms.... most probably they act like done upon them by their parents or care takers. Let's just say they are not aware.
Anyway, I agree. With a narcissist there is no relationship, although they'd make you feel there is one, words really do matter but not for them. Words are used to let them emphasize they are in charge, or so that they never can be held accountable. Their pridefullness, they can keep it. I myself stopped holding them accountable. Then don't work, don't respect. I'm good now. Holding them accountable again and again, it only feeds them, or more their need to be fixed. They actually anticipate this. In the meanwhile, they keep on mastering the art of silent treatment, thus their manipulative skills reign. This is the only 'work' they put in.
And yes. It's demeaning, arrogant, selfcentered. The respect they demand themselves is not given. They explode when you try and explain the lack of respect, then leave it unreciprocated furthermore. It's draining. Really awful.
Communication, or balancing out reciprocity to them might feel like they'd die. Would they really?
Sounds familiar for sure!
I did cast out an argumentative spirit and thought my marriage would be over for me daring to think they were doing anything wrong. But instead, it left bc my mate would rather love me than fight. It was totally bliss for 3 full weeks. But then it all became the same once again. But if my mate wants true freedom, he will fight against the "it". He just had it for so long, it felt weird I'm sure when it was gone. So all those years I was dealing with a demon. Thats why there never was resolution or forgiveness or intimacy of hearts. But now the demon is on the outside, that wants to persuade but can't control unless my mate falls for the tactics. The battle really is in the mind, first of all. And yes, any believer in Jesus (Yeshua), can cast out those tormenting devils. Just gotta catch them in action. It took over 35 yrs for me to understand that.
Psychotherapist here. I really wish that we would delineate between narcissistic tendencies and narcissistic personality disorder. It's important to do so.
Dr. Ramani makes a great argument that the delineation isn't necessary. Using the term "narcissist" is about labeling a pattern of behavior, not diagnosing someone in an office.
She's the EXPERT on narcissism and a PhD. You really should read her books and watch her videos.
@@SENSEF I said nothing about diagnosis. And, I have my own PhD and research. I appreciate your attachment to this one way of thinking, but maybe just consider what clarity brings to the table.
100%
Everybody thinks it's such an easy disorder to diagnose.
They say narcissists are like wrestling with a pig. They have fun but you both get dirty.
YES! Run away fast far & never look back
I'm done for good. Today is my last day of being the nice guy. Now I turn my back on the whole situation and walk away for good 💯.
Communication is listening, comprehending and acting to improve, not just expect to be listened to for the sake of getting attention by telling lies, not taking ownership of our own behaviors or perspectives. ❤. Spot on, Jimmy! 🎉
I was literally taught to communicate with narcissists until I dropped dead from exhaustion, and it is a miracle that I woke up and recognized it in my 50s (🤯).
Thank you for this! I get triggered from only hearing the word 'communication' at this point😂 I've been pushed and manipulated to keep communicating with my husband by therapists and other people that I reached out to even though I let them know I felt unsafe with him and was constantly getting hurt and manipulated. I'm glad I finally realised I had to go 'no contact' and stop giving him (and his therapist) anything to gaslight me with.
Thank you, for the right word in the right time. The narc. Are not talking.
Narcissist has the most wounded soul, and can’t you tell- the world is full of them! And if they won’t become aware of it and work on those issues, they will keep on damaging countless number of vulnerable souls… we end with them, they move on onto someone else…what good does it do collectively? Cause you can end up with another narcissist later on yourself
I've spent time with too many of them. I know what to look for, finally. In fact I just put 2and2 together, all these years, my freaking Sister is textbook. A couple of years ago she said that my Daughter was a narcissist, stopped me in my tracks, I thought no that isn't true, why would you say that, then it hit me like a train!!! She's six years older, I just turned 64 lol She's been stringing me along my whole life, looking back I believe she is the seat of my trauma!! Crazy, never too late to be circumspect. My last relationship started off like a dream, we were so in love. Same ol story, he ever so gently started getting self centered and a little mean, one weekend camping he lost it on me, he spewed for about 15 minutes about what's wrong with me. It absolutely was not true. We'd been together for years and had finally decided to move in together. That Sunday night we said goodbye and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. Again it was like a light came on. I actually moved a month later and I'd cut any way to get hold of me, he keeps calling my Son in law asking to have me call him, I don't. Sorry lol guess I'm venting, but I'm really good, I feel calm, collected and sorta powerful. ✌💜🇨🇦
Just my words. Every expert says leave or avoid them, more hurt and wounds for them and new victims. We should be assertive and compassionate, we should heal the world. Of course not by taking s---- but we should ask questions, making them think and reflect, when they answer not taking it personally. I've a family member, who is N. When I ask questions and let him think, miracles happen. When he tells a lie or something hurtful, I say I need time to process this, I'll be back after a couple of days, I distance myself a couple of days, I take a break. When I return, there is peace and good treatment. Of course if he was my partner, I'd have said goodbye from the very beginning :-D
B I N G O...!!! ✔️🙌👍I lived with a "N" for 17 yrs and it took a huge courage to leave... It was the best decision I've made in my life... We're powerful & SOVEREIGN beings and we deserve all abundance, incl. happy and harmonious relationships/connections!!! Many blessings to all who experienced this. 🙏💙
I like that he doesn’t tell people to leave relationships because he knows it’s case by case. And I really appreciate that his videos are not man vs woman, and understanding that there are both good and bad men and women. Most of these kinds of videos someone’s the victim and someone the villain. He’s really good at not framing that narrative
"They aren't interested" Jimmy, I am so happy I found your videos.
There is a typo, the words say "they are interested" but hearing you, I believe you say, which makes sense, "they aren't interested"
Thank you again for an amazing nugget!!
Your videos helped me find the courage to get therapy. I been suffering in silence for 4 years. He made me believe that I'm the problem.
Damn. Submissive role. That is exactly it. And exactly where I've been my whole marriage. God bless you for getting to this root
I stay quiet and don’t respond. Usually end with ‘okay’….that shuts it down.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you
I love the way you are rewording this and the clarity it brings. After all the gaslighting and brain fog these words are a lighthouse of hope. Thank you.💜
Our words does indeed matter
i wish i knew this 3 years ago. I would of left instead of allowing them to discard me and waste my time, money, energy, love, vulnerability, etc
Absolutely true, I learned this the hard way with my first ex, nothing I say can break through that brick of a mind 😂 save the breath and just go no contact
Well said Jimmy, im supporting a friend that's has put up with this from their Partner, but he's so hurt , im really worried he will never heal from enduring her bad behaviour for so long. I'm sending healing prayers to him and his children .
There are great videos on this app about how to heal from a narcissistic partner/relationship.
You're right. That's why I left my seemingly perfect spouse. My kids are happier, however.
Your posts are always great, but this is the best thing you’ve ever put on the internet. Thank you for this incredible validation. Perfectly articulated.
❤🙏🏼❤
My guy would say everything like he completely knew everything he was doing and apologize. It’s like he knew what was in my head and everything that I wanted to hear.
Didn’t change a damn thing..
My first best friend has narcissistic traits and treated me like crap even from the time we were 8. I was behind socially and she was manipulative (i have no idea where she learned to be manipulative so young, but she did 🙄) and it took a long time for me to realize how badly i was being treated because that was simply how i thought friendship worked. Eventually, my mom realized that i was essentially being bullied by this girl, and now i only have to see her once a year!! Unfortunately, the effects of this shitty friendship have lasted, and over five years later, i still struggle with healthy friendships, setting boundries, my self esteem, and being emotionally available. Moral of the story is to please distance yourself from anyone with narcissistic traits (or for whatever reason they treat you like shit) and parents, please ensure that your kids arent being bullied under the guise of friendship. I know its difficult to realize, especially if the child is very young, but it helps a ton if you can distance your kid away from anyone like that and teach them skills to help them cope with people like that.
I ended a 20 year "friendship" with a narc. Started when we were 15 up to 6 months ago. She showed me how she felt about me the whole time and I just couldn't see it. Unfortunately, she is my sons aunt, so some communication is necessary. And, boy does she still try to control and hoover. She was nicer to me after I ended the friendship than she was when we were friends and I told her so. She did not like that.
I'm glad your mom was able to see it and get you out of that situation. I'm sorry you went through it. It's terrible. I wish you the very best life has to offer.
100% right. I know people like this. Their world is all that matters to them.
I say, Get Away From Narcs Permanantly and Don't Look Back or waste any More of your life on trash .
Thank you Jimmy for being vulnerable enough to give us your knowledge about how to relate to a narcissistic person.✌️❤
Amen. Thank God for this man and his work on this channel.
This man here should be be protected by all cost..he’s word s hits differently 🙏😍
I had to go to the ER today. Started crying bc I was scared. My husband told me to "Grow the Fuck up" I'm home now. Still sick to my stomach. Sad moreso bc how he treated me more than the pain of my condition.
Hope you're feeling better 😊
@@annesheehan3087 that's really kind of you. Thank you.
@@shashamarie4760”I’m sorry. you don’t need to go to the ER if you don’t want to, hon.”
You are right. They do not communicate. They don't do emotion they don't even feel. They only continue to master the art of survival and dominance. Truly despicable people. Bad parenting if any parenting.
This is very important information for people in a relationship they must know the difference between you know a person that has some issues and a person who is actually a narcissist because the narcissist is not going to change and it doesn't matter how well you communicate with them.
This hit so close to home. Recently divorced from someone I spent 22 years with, until I woke up one day and thought 'why am I trying so hard? I'm not even happy'
How is life for you now? I’m coming up on 21 years marriage to a covert narc.
It feels impossible to get out bc of kids and finances. I’m hoping I can get out soon. The unknown feels so scary.
@@RhymeandRamblings My situation was the same - he makes more money than me and we share a teenager, and the divorce part was terrifying, but now that I am out and have my own place, I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I felt this happy. The last 8 months have been crazy for me - divorce, new job, new house, new car... but it was all needed changes. The hardest part now is that our son goes back and forth one week here, one week at his dad's, etc, and I have always been so used to doing everything for him and spending time with him all the time - so it's been difficult letting go of our normal weekly movie outings or daytrips with friends, but we are adjusting.
@@queensavageooc9585 I’m happy for you. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It gives me hope. Is your son okay with all the back and forth? That’s definitely something that concerns me.
@@RhymeandRamblings yes, he's adjusted well. I'm very proud of him 💜
once you've confirmed their narcissist just leave them alone walk way around them
They communicate. They clearly state that we don't matter, our needs are irrelevant, our feelings are wrong, our lives are worthless. Communication is more than just words.
Oh, narcissists can communicate, they listen to therapists to "say" the Right things to gaslight you. They are smart and figure out how to communicate with intent.
**Not interested in accountability, my perspective, or anything mutually respectful** Exactly!! No legitimate, satisfying communication going on around here... it's downright delusional at this point
Sometimes I worry I might be a narcissist, but then I can’t tell if I am one or if I just picked up unhealthy coping mechanisms from growing up with one (or two).
Love this! I experienced that narcissists definitely communicate, they communicate every negative thing they think about you, constantly. What they don’t do is engage in communication in order to receive your message or perspective. It’s only ever one sided, leaving us on the other side confused and believing we are the total problem.
Just leave it to God. ❤ narcissist is demonic spirit. You can go with no contact with them if that helps with giving you a peace of mind, which it does help.. but leave the rest to God to deal with them. Fear the Lord.