The ONLY thing that WORKS with a Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
- • Are they a Narcissist ...
This is the ONLY thing that works with a Narcissist. Remember, you aren't asking for too much, you're simply asking to be treated with kindness and respect right? You're simply asking for the same level of consideration that you're giving them, that's not being too needy, that's simply called reciprocation and it's necessary if we want ANY trust or intimacy or emotional connection with another human.
• LOVE won't be enough t...
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#narcissist #relationshipproblems #narcissism
My Mom took care of my narc Dad for 65 years. The one night she needed him to call 911, he did not. She died 15 minutes before I got there. They don't care. They won't change. Get out, don't waste your life for them. NOTHING works with them. 😢
❤ I’m so sorry.
Brutal. I’m so sorry, that must have broken your heart. Sending you hugs and hopes for peace of mind. ❤
My two eldest siblings sister a sociopathic narcissist and brother covert and religious narcissist.. Absolutely destroyed my parents and then stole everything they ever had including there wedding rings.. I hate them
I crashed on a motorcycle. She left on a trip the next day after I asked to come with….. so she could help bandage me
Go figure.
And sorry for the loss and situation.
The horror stories we can share…I am so sorry for your loss ❤
Loved the sentence “you are not asking to much, you are just asking the wrong person”. Thank you for that insight!
💯💚
True❤
very true
For a people pleaser, setting boundaries hurts. But not setting boundaries hurts worse
True
Not just a people pleaser, but even a people-thank-you-er
@@Irondragon1945wow, this is me ! Great comment
YUP
So true
Narcissists are predators. They hunt and prey on the genuinely decent, good, and kind.
Had a guy recently tell me my heart was so pure, idk y at the moment my 📡 went up. Because in the same breath he said don't ever let Noone see you cry. The conversation was about my mother! Then I said, "Not even you huh, got it !!
@@caughtnwebb4819RUN! Avoid at all cost.
Go non-contact now, while you can!! Trust yourself. What you sensed was a narcissist. They hide well, until they can’t anymore. Again, RUN!
I think so yeah..
thank you,i totally agree
I gave up everything for my husband and he didn't even pick up my calls for 50 days (went to stay with his parents). When I visited him and begged him for humane behavior, he told me women have done far more for men and I've maybe made only 1% of the efforts I should have. He said this sitting at his bed next to his parents, yelling at me, and btw did I mention we were living separately because he emotionally, physically and mentally abused me for 6 months of marriage. Got married in 2023. Getting divorced in 2024. Also this is his second marriage and the first wife also suffered the same. He's fucking 34. THEY NEVER LEARN. THEY'RE NOT HUMAN. RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, PLEASE.
If someone ignites you to the point where YOU react like a maniac, give yourself permission to walk away before you become a shell of yourself.
Deeply true.
@@bitcoinbelle to my regret, I learned that hard way.
Well said!
Or before you have a heart attack
My ex wife. Her previous husband committed suicide. She made me feel crazy. I wasn’t. I was a successful Army Officer. She once said, “By the time I’m finished with you you’ll be a bus driver.” I finally filed for divorce. Her abuse increased but she still wanted to be intimate. Then I placed a restraining order on her. It took me a couple years to get back to normal. Met my now wife, been married 12 years without the first argument since our first date.
Don't waste one second of your time on a narcissist. They are the most insidious, vindictive, untrustworthy, cruel people. Go no contact and never look back. Don't let them destroy you.
This cannot be said loudly enough. They wont change and they dont give a shit about you. Judge a relationship by the BAD moments, not the good ones. Theyre all fake and taylored anyway.
Hurt People Hurt People they are still a child of God and He loves them and you might be the only person that ever prays for them and shows them the love of God... Bless those that curse you I pray God's richest blessings on you and that He heals your heart ❤️
Pray for them from a distance.
Run like hell from them. Period.
They don't change.
They don't improve.
And one day they may try to murder you as my ex had attempted.
@@Janderra While I respect everyone's religious beliefs and freedoms, I could never, ever pray for anything good for my ex. He is pure evil, and not even divine intervention could save him. If Jesus showed up in front of his face and told him how to be a good person and redeem himself, he would fake it only until Jesus went away. Then he would immediately start scheming how to hurt his current supply. Some people cannot be helped. Some people are just pure evil.
@@brainfartthunderz Dr. Ramani calls recalling the good memories with a narcsissist, "euphoric recall". Dr. Sam Vaknin calls any delusional hope you have for the narcissist, "malignant optimism".
They disappear when they know they no longer have the power to hurt you.
I liked this. gonna think of this.
(distanced 1,5year from my covert narcissist mother)
isn't it fabulous though? ;)
Exactly..
Would love to distance completely from my narc daughter but it only works for our family to find boundaries with her.
@Sara76779 She will blame you for every problem she ever has her entire life. My rotten sister destroyed my parents especially my mother.. Don't ever take blame for what your daughter has become.
“A boundary is something you set for yourself.” True. Don’t expect a narcissist to respect your boundaries.
Never try to have any kind of a relationship with a narcissist. If you’re already in a relationship with a narcissist leave… now! RUN! That’s all.
IKR!? This dude is still gaslit. 🔥 sorry about that
I agree. My therapist told me once after she had a one on one session with my ex “run far and run fast”. Did I listen? No, I stayed for 6 more months of torture. 🤦♀️ They don’t care and they just don’t have much to give back.
My 12 and half years old daughter is a narcissistic psychopath horrible human being 😔
@@niviamaevaHow?
@@niviamaevaI’m sorry to hear that. 😞🙏
The only thing that works with a narcissist is agreeing to fit into the box they have made for you. Give them constant attention and forget yourself and having your own opinions or wants
So true!
Yes. I have learned this over my 24 years of marriage. I'm exhausted. 😔
Even that wouldn't work. It might keep peace, but they still would not be happy.
Exactly. Nothing makes them happy. Even themselves don't know what would make them happy! They are so pathetic.
And it's so sad and ironic that we get into that box willingly, because we feel like we can help them finally understand they are deserving of our love. When in reality, the longer we are in that box, the more they prove they are undeserving.
Leave...the only thing to do is leave quietly...
100%. If you have children with them, DO NOT TELL THEM YOU ARE LEAVING. File for divorce before you ever reveal your intentions, then leave quietly, or request that they leave.
@@jammasterjay Even if not. We had no children together. I lived through hell with him.
@@ThePeacefulsunshine I’m sure! They’re a different breed, and they’re surgical in what they do.
I’m out, but have a kid with my ex. My counselor told me something that really sums it up. She told me that I’m not divorced FROM my ex-wife, I’m divorced TO her.
Yes, I did that!
@@ThePeacefulsunshine agreed, but I chose to leave very noisily & publicly. Shaming them to hell & back to hell again. Some animals bite back. I'm THAT kind of animal. 💯👍🏽
You’re not asking for too much you’re just asking the wrong person
Narcs are extremely emotionally immature
Exactly 💯
Dr. Sam Vaknin says that narcissists have the emotional maturity of a 4-year-old. We get frustrated because we think or hope they have the emotional maturity of an adult. We need to rewire our brains and interact with them as we would with a child, setting firm boundaries but without empathy, kindness and compassion, which will be exploited and weaponized against you.
@@v9b23jhe's including himself, of course
@@jaklumen Yes, he is (self aware).
As a narc I disagree. I don't think sweeping generalisations and unpersoning anyone you can label 'narcissist' is productive, healthy or even sane, let alone mature. It's disturbing and dangerous. Empaths, man... Mob mentality
Left my narcissist husband yesterday. I’ve watched this video 3 times so far. When you are so traumatized and damaged by their abuse, it’s easy to blame yourself and you need to know you have value. Thank you Jimmy. This video is literally a god send to my life right now. It’s all true and i have to go no contact for my self preservation. Thank you for the validation and understanding that i have wished and waited for and never received the entire time i knew this man. God bless you and your family.❤
Especially when the abuse is not physical. I actually think so e refrain from physical abuse bc they are cowards, more so
You mention parents. ...if you are going to call out parents and partners, you should also include adult children and friends. Otherwise, this sounds a bit one-sided, like only parents and partners can be toxic. There are many different relationships that can be with one person being self centered, toxic and create confusion and chaos for others. Some, like friends and partners can be released, however, it is much different and difficult with adult children and parents.
@@LauraB-jf9sfThank you, Laura. My adult daughter acts exactly like her narcissistic father, whom I divorced, when she was 2…to protect her.
Lots of therapy for her, pouring love and care and support into her little self, into her development…but the repeated abandonment and toxic gaslighting by her father, at pivotal points in her development, have taken hold of her. I am finally accepting that she will not outgrow her abusive behavior toward me. And it is heartbreaking.
My son is not like this. We both have tried and tried to get through to her. But she refuses to self-reflect or take any accountability. So painful……..
Sending hugs…🩷❤️🧡
Narcissist get hurt no matter what you say. You can tell them “you left the front door unlocked“ and they will turn it into a barrage of insults. So you can have boundaries with the narcissist, but you can never ever mention anything that you need in a relationship. Because they will feel like somehow they’ve failed. And their world will be shattered. And they’ll come out swinging with verbal insults. The hard part with narcissist, is that even if you do apologize, they don’t hear you. And will remember every small thing you said to them or request you made. And they will overlook all the insults they piled on you. And then when it’s time to apologize, they won’t they’ll say things like. “well that’s how I felt at the time. And “or “you didn’t understand me.”and if you catch onto that, and you ask them to clarify what they’re talking about they might say something like “I don’t need to clarify anything for you.” It’s a complete circular argument that is not winnable. And honestly, the other person in the couple is not trying to win, they’re trying to understand and fight for a relationship.
Well said!!
Dead on tried to fight for a relationship for 20 years.
@@lijohnyoutube101
Sigh. Still trying here. Trying to crack an uncrackable code. 😢
I call it ‘The Twilight Zone.’ Nothing is as it should be in normal communication, it’s a house of mirrors... It’s like trying to pin jello to the wall; impossible. Simply don’t try. You are arguing with a mental illness in the guise of a human being. All it will do is make you crazy. And as you do, it just feeds their sense of control and superiority. Don’t feed the Beast! Go silent: don’t defend yourself, don’t explain, don’t justify. Simply turn on your heels, and walk away. Nothing you say is valid to them: YOU as a human are INVALID. Understand this: you can NEVER have a real relationship with a narcissist; it’s impossible.
Same man. @@lsrani3207
When we know our own self-worth and honor it, we don't give a second chance to those who don't respect us.
Self worth and self respect are what I hold extremely valuable.
Dang I needed to hear this
So true!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Leaving. Leaving is the ONLY thing that works with a narc. Go no contact and DO NOT let them know in advance. Boundaries will not work, because they do not respect your boundaries.
What if he wouldn't leave my house?
Mine did the same. He was willing to read books with me and create guidelines and guardrails for conflict. He even wanted to write a book about it. But I guess we forgot to put the part about “not invalidating, not dismissing, not gaslighting, not lying, not denying someone basic human rights of being treated with respect”, so yeah. That didn’t work at all. And I had a very difficult time staying emotionally regulated around him. Normally I am calm and can be reasonable but it was like being thrown into a fire expecting to have no reaction. Pretty difficult. My nervous system was getting wrecked and totally drained.
Ugh I’m starting to see that
Not me still being borderline stalked by my narcissistic "Mother" 23 years later 😩
🎉Yes! I cutted my toxic dangerous sister, about 3 years not seeing her! But still scaring because anarssitic and psychopaths can do anything bad to.... They are always thinking about thier victims or those they hate, how to destroy their life, they don't want u to live! They want to kill u.... Everything
NEVER Apologize to a narcissist.
So true. They will see it as weakness and turn it against you.
give them the apology type they give you?
100%. Apologies are for people you can actually trust and repair things with. Not a narcissist.
What happens when you apologize?
You can give a back handed apology like they do!!
Going to counseling with a narcissist is the WORST thing you can do! They will ALWAYS play the victim card, make YOU look like the villain, and manipulate the counselor into taking their side against you.
Yep
I did one session and it was so traumatic
They are protecting their public image, they not interested in working towards a healthy relationship.
The narcissist always blame someone else for the horrible things they have done. And a lot of these narcissist abuse councilors feed into the narcissist lies.
It happened to me , you were so correct 👍
I do not know, maybe it depends on the shrink. I went to mine (he had been listening to my side of the story for months) and he 'disassembled' the guy with a few straightforward questions not buying into his 'it-is-all-her-to-blame' stuff. So maybe try going to a shrink who knows you who works with couples, too.
Word of warning that some counselors are narcissists themselves. I've had three. If you're in marriage counseling and something doesn't feel right, don't ignore it. Just because they're professionals doesn't mean they're normal people
That is so true. My mother is a psychologist with multiple degrees in various fields of therapy and she is still a narcissist, who broke my arm when i was in 5th grade because of something to do with chores. But i still think she is a great phychologist in certain fields.
So yeah, its good to be aware of those people
They go into the profession because not normal is their tribe! So many are down right Cluster B🎭
Or skilled. Truth
True story! Many counselors at the very least are unhealed & at the worst sociopathic. I had one of the latter. It was a nightmare. 😫
So so true, and thank you for being, I think, the only one to make such a comment.
My narc brother who was an architect retrained as a relationship therapist, qualified up to the eyeballs, but absolutely cold, feelingless, manipulative and the last person you would want to share any emotional information with. He is also mildly autisitic.
He has only been in practice a few years and is already on the brink of financial ruin, as nobody goes back after a few sessions.
I sometimes wonder how many people he has caused further hurt and emotional pain to, in the way he has destroyed our family.
You can not set boundaries. You set a boundary and then right away they cross it.
Exactly, mum used to barge in the room when I was a kid, i put a knock notice on the door and a big argument started argument
They are specialists at boundary crossing.
It’s a sport for them!
Exactly
It's up to you to uphold/enforce YOUR boundaries not the Narc (Narcs don't care about boundaries it's just another challenge).
The irony is that narcissists resist and don't honor your boundaries.
This made me cry, a lot. I realized I was not truly loved by the man I was married to for 27 years. Anything I brought up was the problem and anything I wanted or needed was the problem. "Everything should just be fine" or "I shouldn't have to do that" are phrases I heard a lot. I am still struggling everyday to heal from the trauma and loss of my life and who I became as a result of all of it.
I’m so sorry
But yeah I understand it’s been 29 1/2 years for me…
Still stuck and still crying
@@Electric-Bird-Set-Free
Know that you are not alone. I remember the moment it dawned on me that after nearly 20 years, three children and moving 1,200 miles from my home, family and friends, I realized they never loved or cared at all about me. My parents and brother have passed away and I literally lost my family. My daughters didn’t want to live where I grew up, so I’m still living far from who is left of my family. He really ruined my life. He’s remarried the third time since me. He started flouncing women around me immediately after the separation (even before the divorce) and it was as if he didn’t even recognize me or know who I was. NPD is very very evil. It’s hard for normal people to wrap your thinking around it.
I'm sorry for what you've endured. Stay strong! Awareness and knowing now what you know now is power. I wish you peace today and going forward 🧡
Do you know the creator of all? His Name is JESUS. I found Him in His Word- the Bible. He changed my life. I pray for you. Take care. You are precious and valuable to your creator and FATHER in heaven.
15:48 “Not because they don’t love this person, but this person has no capacity to love me back” That is exactly how I feel.
The hardest but best moment of my life was sitting with myself after i caught him cheating. I was able to evaluate. I over sympathized and gave him the support and forgiveness that showed how much i cared…because i was giving a troubled person every comfort i longed for. So in a way, i was trying to fix everything by being what i desperately wanted and hoping to get the same in return. We’re raised on TV and movies and books. But we aren’t going to get a happy ending with someone who doesn’t even care that we’re in the story. I can comfortably say that my ex was a narcissist, and not just the word being thrown around. When i realized that my strength wasn’t in making a relationship work, it was in saying no to men that had no intentions of making a relationship work, my whole world changed. Saying no is hard, when you want to say yes and explain away the red flags. But it’s the most wonderful thing to change your life.
Yes. This is true. You really need to assess the person in front of you.
I love this comment
❤️🎯💯 Nailed it! Thanks for describing this so accurately! I've been there too.
Me too, I said NO I can’t fix this on my own anymore.
You had me until apologizing to a narcissist. It's useless and they absolutely will use it against you. It doesn't mean you don't take internal accountability for what you do. It just means you don't share it with them. Apologizing is a vulnerable act. Don't waste that on a narcissist.
So true!! Always used against you!!
The point in apologising for any mistakes you have made is to take responsibility for what you have done and not become hard and bitter. The point is don't become like them. It is a hard place and self care is vital ❤
I agree with not apologizing to a narcissist. It is equal to giving them another bullet to take a shot at you. I tend to take all the responsibility and hold myself accountable for the entire relationship while the narcissist is not taking any responsibility and blaming me for everything wrong in the entire world. I have no problem showing my vulnerability which makes it hard to set boundaries. Apologizing would set me back in holding my ground. I think apologizing should be something you do with a healthy person who doesn't let it go to their head and use it against you.
Oh, yeah.
Any apologies are always used against you.And they either a fake apologize or never ever apologize
I apologized to the narcissist once because it's who I am. I apologize for my actions for ME. not necessarily for them. I did the right thing, no matter what they make of it. Would I do it again? Only if I messed up really bad. I don't see that happening, so I doubt I'll do it again.
Here's the Bible take on that:
Matthew 7:6
“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”
King James Version (KJV)
The problem is Narcissists have all the boundaries in the world. They will call you a narcissist when you are worked up so much and started to be animated and now they said you don’t respect their boundaries.
That's the oldest game in the world for a narc...ANYTHING you've ever said about them, or to help yourself, will be twisted, inverted, and used back against you.
And when you ask them to define the boundary they can't.
This guy is too nice. Here is what works. Telling them to fuck off, and walking away.
Yes, yes, and yes!!
Based on my experience telling these people that only validates everything as your problem in their eyes
Say: "talk to the lawyer not me"
@@BrianKlumkeryeah ok. Be nice and get walked on then
Better yet, give them no access to any of your feelings. They get off on making you mad. Love me; hate me, but don’t ignore me. Being told to eff off is rewarding to them. Now that’s effed up!
"you're not asking for too much; you're just asking the wrong person."
Nobody has the right to tell me who I am or not. Nobody has the right to tell me that I won't make my dreams happen, everything I want in my life. Nobody has the right to tell me or even think like "you know what, it's not possible for you, or you can't do it" . Nobody has that right, nobody. It's MY life
That’s right! Let’s go!
My ex told me this and told me to quit my music and everything. She said I'd never make it and it was a waste of time but I've made my own way.
My soon to be ex wife told me my dreams were never going to happen so I just needed to stop dreaming. She'd ask me to do something and then proceed to tell me how to do it. I got to the point were if she didn't like how I did something I told her to do it herself.
I let my mother destroy everything I hoped for. Too late to start again, I learned what she is.
@xJimmyonRelationships___2 I don't know about that. It feels like I'm loosing my 2 oldest daughters in the process. Maybe someday they will see the truth. Their mother has smeared my name pretty good.
Block, delete, no contact. Make sure you include all people you have in common with them as well. Scorched earth is the only solution.
100% agree!
Agreed.
It took exactly four children and 28 years for me to see it and finally accept it. It's as if I wasted my life on drugs and gambling. Now I'm in dire straits, broken body disabled mindful of PTSD and abandoned by so many.
We are here, and we HEAR you!!!!
Took me 32 years of marriage. Little by little I’m healing and so will you.
@@NewMe-iq5os Thanks, What is your timeline? Currently I am 24 months into divorce. This week of September 23rd was the 2-year anniversary that she first chose to hook up with a co-worker. I can't explain all the details of how I know this exactly. But the recorder I listen to clearly stated that in 12 hours from then she was going to return to his apartment and finished what they started. I have been watching her closely because I knew that I had lost her love and someone else was making her laugh. From the time I found that recording until lunch the next day was the most overwhelming dread. Been at lunch when she should have been at home. Sleeping working midnights. Her car was not there.
The recorder actually revealed exactly what aisle it was parked in but I never knew what store.
During her adventure I had sent her a text message stating that I understood that it was really over now and that I would learn not to love her. When I retrieved the recorder the second time I heard her get back into her car, put her overnight bag in the back, sitting down in the driver seat and read text messages. Then she immediately called that man and said I've got a strange message on my phone from my husband. He says it's over now and he believes it. But why did he send this today? Does he know how? Could he know why today?
It was an excruciating way to find out for sure. I could have blown up her phone texting and calling her at work. Trying to talk her out of it.
But the truth is I figured out that she did not love me anymore 4 years before 💔. I lived 2 more years trying to sway her back.
But it was really over and she proved it.
Someone high on the NPD spectrum is not capable of any intimate relationships. Period. Thats all you need to know. You’ll never be able to fill the shortfall of what they are not capable of giving. They are incapable of intimate partnership, same as a statue. They want admiration and attention but, like a statue, they cannot give anything back. Choose someone else.
I tried reading relationship books with my narc. I made a list of ways to work out differences peacefully with respectful ground rules built in. He’d listen and agree. And a few days later he’d start screaming and breaking all the rules we agreed on.
That's typical. Expect more of that.
Emotionally they are young children. Don't expect maturity, consistent behaviour, etc.
It's funny that most people have no patience for children but have infinite tolerance for narcisists and their behaviour😂😂
Maybe he has borderline personality disorder also
A toxic person EVEN IF agreeable to go to counseling, they will pretend to agree with the counselor but again NEVER do the work. And that is the most benign thing; my late husband always manipulated the counselors and they both in tandem gained up on me.
Never Do Couples - Even WithOut One Being A Narc
The “real” conversation was always supposed to happen later, after the counseling session. It never did.
This is my first RUclips comment ever. But I need to say this. Thank you Jimmy.
It meant a world to me that you explained this. I was miserable for weeks, I had no idea what to do. I cried so much. I had no idea on how do these people behave nor weather they exist. But this now makes so much sense now. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
You got this!!!!! You are worthy of being loved and valued!
My oldest son is a narcissist/addict and it has been a heart breaking ordeal to set boundaries and let go. It got to a point that it was making me physically and mentally ill. My youngest son finally had to remind me that he was my son too and did not want to end up as an orphan bc his brother was slowly killing me. It was a wake up call for sure. I had tried everything w my oldest and it kept escalating over about 15 years. Thank you for this video. ❤
Are you sure you're not the narcissist and he's the scapegoat?
He sounds like the scapegoat actually
@@aaronschmidt9753 how so?
@@lindalinda9441really looks a bit strange, to say your child is a toxic person... Because you are the one teaching him...
Maybe talk to a person, you can trust with questions of relationships. ❤
@@MoniqueSommer he is toxic due the the abuse of drugs and alcohol.. am I missing something here? I didn’t raise him to do drugs. I don’t do drugs, nor did I raise him to be a drinker because I don’t drink either… his substance abuse makes him toxic. When he’s not on them, he’s a great person. I think that’s why I’m confused. I don’t feel he’s scapegoat. I feel he has a substance-abuse problem… that was the point of me asking how someone thought I was using him as a scapegoat and that I might be narcissistic. I love my son in spite of everything. But it is very difficult on our family. And I appreciate it the video because it did help me a bit.
#1 Understand your worth and value as a person
#2 Understand what any relationship needs to feel safe and connected
#3 Take an honest look without guilt or shame on what you specifically need in a relationship for intimacy or connection to take place
#4 Develop a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated
#5 Set limits and boundaries with people who push up against that standard regardless of who they are
#6 Learn how to be vulnerable and respectfully talk about your needs and feelings
Thanks for summing it up. All great advice except the last one.
Yes, the only thing that works with a narcissist is consequences
Which, is scary. Why? Because it shows how easily they are manipulated by Socio/Psychopaths... And what that means (in terms of which role they're intent on pigeon holing their partner into).
What a sick game.
Agreed. If it doesn't impact them, they don't care. In my experience, at the end of the day, you need to withdrawal your time and energy from the person and move on. I've known people who gave and gave and gave till they were ultimately decimated. It's important to recognize the signs early. Remain detached while you assess a person. If there's no empathy, or a person doesn't do what s/he says they will do, or the interaction becomes very one sided (over time), get out. Sometimes narcissists will invest and do things (including love bombing) up front and that can throw people off. It's actions over time that matter.
That doesn't work either. They will eventually leave you for wanting equality.
@@dustinellerbe4125 good!😊
Either way mission accomplished
Narcissists are stingy as hell with their money omg!!!!
If you don't have boundaries they will set them for you. 😢
That's where consequences come in. When you set a boundary of course they'll be there to say "or else what?"
You must be prepared to answer that question decisively and without hesitation.
I don’t particularly care about a diagnosis, correct. It literally hurts my body and mind to be in close connection to a person like that. I’m no longer willing to ignore what my system warning signals are telling me.
This is a beautiful, beautiful message. You speak directly to so many of the things that happen in these relationships. So validating.
I agree with you ❤
I grew up with a very emotionally abusive manipulative textbook narcissist mom that I also suspect has legitimate borderline personality disorder and as a young child I inherently knew that the ONLY way I could get her love was to agree with her off the wall behaviors and coddle her needs in order to be in her protective bubble. When I became a teenager and the abuse ramped up because I stopped acting that way towards her, I was casted out completely and thrown away. The only way to "win" a narcissists' shallow love and acceptance is to literally cater to their delusions. They dont respond to anything else. But its always going to be a one-sided relationship and you will always end up being the one that gets hurt. Its not worth it. Boundaries, gray rocking, and not letting them know personal details about your life for them to exploit is the only healthy way to keep them at an arms length distance and protect yourself if you absolutely cannot remove them from your life altogether.
I’m surprised and very happy to see others see the true colors of their narc parents .. but also sad and frustrated to see my own husband being blinded to this truth that his mother is and has been a narcissist all his life and he actually enables her/carers to her selfish wants and expectations of him .. I don’t know if it’s fear or just all the brainwashing she has done to him over the years .. like I point out something she does that’s controlling or breaking boudaries and he doesn’t say anything or defend her at times.. but I do pray and hope all the victims of these narc parents to see the truth and be set free.
And those techniques are important to learn, because parents should not be readily discarded like a boyfriend of spouse in a failing marriage. Find a way for limited contact out of respect for the fact that they are indeed your parents.
Love yourself. Stay in Peace. God Will Deliver you from Evil. I tried to defend myself with a narcissist husband for 32 years. When I learned to stay in Peace..He divorced me and married someone else. I was Safe and Free. 😊❤
If narcissists are so bad, then why are WE the ones that are isolated? They seem to get on with everyone in the family who all seem to accept them fully, even love them fully, but they dont accept the one who exposes the abusive narc. Just doesnt make sense to me 🤔
Exactly. I’m the one left alone while they have the whole family.
My choice to be alone. It's safer.
BeCause we Do Not Trust ANYONE After Being AbUsed By SomeOne we Thought Loved us But InStead DisCover They Hate us
Because they're so good at storytelling, lying, and manipulating.
@@driggs2109 this is true 😕
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Can dr.porassss send to me in UK?
and ...they gave me PTSD because of a horrible and scary trip . Psycadelics are very dangerous if used incorrectly. You guys should stop promoting it as some king of magic pill that would instantly heal all of your problems instead of doing inner work.
@ToniMonteroromanthey are here in Oz, ask the universe to guide you. When the medicine calls your soul, she finds you ❤
Do alot of research first! Set and setting is SO important.
@@socialworkgroupa5256I have a friend with BPD but she is not violent. Since you’re the closest person to your husband, I would guess, that makes you first in the line of fire. Please be very careful. Seems like you are used to his rage but if he’s waiting for the right justification to kil! somebody……. Make sure it’s not you. ❤
Yup. He couldnt give me the bare minimum so I started setting boundaries. About 5 moths later, he had another supply and left. Whoooohooooo
I’m in this spot now
old testament still in play= things like this would not happen
dodged a bullet
After 25 years with a narcissist-friend, I recently went "no-contact" after he started calling me names and then gaslighting me. He has since complained to our mutual friends that I am being childish. It's over.
The only positive talk I've come across about narcissism. Most speakers instil too much negativity about narcissists into the minds of the audience which doesn't help mend a relationship
Jimmy is telling it like it is... and he is saying that we should offer an olive branch of therapy, and if the narcissist is unwilling to go to therapy with us to mend the relationship, that hurts so badly, but it tells us that this relationship is not sustainable, and we should stop trying with them.
Wow! You have said a lot. I am screwed. I was raised by 2 narcissistic parents, sister, and only sibling is also a narcissist. I then married a narcissist. I don't know what it means to be cared about, loved. As a 50 yr women, I am tired. So tired. I have been sick for 4 months now, and it doesn't stop. Hemust doesn't stop. I had to walk away from my 'family' as I didn't have enough energy to hear from multiple people how horrible I am . My husband does an extremely good job every day. I will die sooner than later because I really can't take it anymore. Have no idea who I am. I just want it to stop. Just want to be accepted, loved and cared about.
I'm so sorry
God Jesus is literally my best friend
He adores you
He has so many loving words for you in the bible
Such as ...I have loved you with an everlasting love
Such as God didn't give you a spirit of fear but he gave you a spirit of power love and a sound mind
I understand y completely 💙 I don't know a council I can give y to help..maybe a psychiatric skilled with NPD, or listen videos everyday how to get back the self-love and motivation from narcisistic abuse (listen to everyday, so you can feel validated and supported, and not forget)..start smth new in everyday life, some new routine for 15 min...disengage from the narcissists, if you can not eliminate their presence (do not share, do not engage, do not explain)...you need a different perspective.....I wish you mental and emotional strength to fight them and the false reality they imposed on yourself, and to heal....every sickness and illness passes when you end the relationship with a narcissist (I hope is not to late)🤞
Get away from the lot of them. Go no contact.
Jimmy!!! Oh my goodness I've asked so many brilliant RUclipsrs how to speak my boundaries with my covert narc mother, but never had any help. This is fantastic! Going to listen to this every morning until I've truly got it. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart! 68 years old and still terrified of the sweet Angel In Public that everyone else sees.
It does my heart good that this education is so easy to access now. This content is absolutely critical, and especially for those of us who were raised by narcissists. Thank you Jimmy.
Thank you, sincerely, for this video. I left the person controlling me. I'm dealing with my feelings and doing the work to heal. It's a long, ugly process, but I recognize the value in such work. I hope that someday I can recognize my inherent worth and value. Videos like this are so important to my process, a long with professional support. I encourage everyone in my position to just try to heal from the abuse they've suffered and know that we're not alone.
A relationship with a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic personality style) is NOT a relationship. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we can stop losing our time "trying to make it work" and we can start on our healing journey. @Narc101
Anytime I end my night after a hard day and feel like maybe I'm crazy or maybe I am the issue. I listen to your videos and realize it isn't me and your words hit so hard I cry. It's insane how spit on you are. With everything
Preserving our understanding of the words ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic’ by using them cautiously is important.
I don’t think either of them should even be used except in the context of describing someone with NPD.
The woman narcissist in my life cane in as a co- caregiver of my daughter. I immediately became her target, her enemy, and she made my life a living hell! There was NOTHING good or positive about this woman! I didn't know there were people like that in the world!
As for the label, this woman was NPD with sociopathy. She was also a psychopath..
My ex husband was FULL of narcissism! He was a total mean tyrant.. Yet, he was capable of love and empathy at times. If someone close to him was crying, he wouldn't know what to do, but it would make him cry too. He was narcissistic in most of his actions.
But he was not a narcissist.
@@cookiemama4 That is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness.
Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed.
Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it.
You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
That seems like a comment a "narcissistic" person might make.
It does seem the term "narcissist" has become somewhat overused in current society.
Is there some relevance to the increased use of the terminology?
It appears the percentage of the population that are genuine narcissists has been increasing, or at least more people exhibiting the related traits seem to be "out and proud."
Videos like this one are valuable in education, increasing awareness and understanding of self-centered or selfish behavior and related disorders.
Understanding how a person can and should interact with someone who constantly exhibits the associated personality traits seems essential.
In some contexts, applying the “duck test” as a form of abductive reasoning is prudent.
Abductive Reasoning:
Definition:
Abductive reasoning is a type of reasoning that involves making an inference to the best explanation or hypothesis based on incomplete or limited information.
Unlike deductive reasoning, which starts with a general principle and applies it to specific cases, or inductive reasoning, which starts with specific observations and seeks to identify patterns or generalizations, abductive reasoning starts with incomplete data and seeks to determine the most plausible explanation for that data.
Steps in Abductive Reasoning:
Abductive reasoning involves several steps in arriving at a plausible explanation for a given set of facts or observations. The steps may include the following:
• Observation of data: This is the first step in the process of abductive reasoning. The observer or reasoner observes and collects data from the available sources.
• Identification of pattern: In this step, the reasoner looks for patterns or regularities in the data. This involves looking for similarities or differences between the data and other known facts or observations.
• Generation of hypotheses: Based on the observed patterns, the reasoner generates a set of plausible hypotheses or explanations that could account for the observed data.
• Testing of hypotheses: The reasoner then tests the hypotheses against further observations or data.
This may involve gathering new data, conducting experiments, or analyzing existing data.
• Evaluation of the best hypothesis: The reasoner evaluates each hypothesis based on its ability to explain the observed data and other relevant criteria, such as simplicity, coherence, and consistency with other known facts or theories. The reasoner selects the most plausible hypothesis as the best explanation for the observed data.
• Refinement of the explanation: The reasoner refines the explanation based on further observations or data. This may involve modifying or discarding the original hypothesis or generating new hypotheses that better account for the data.
• Conclusion: Finally, the reasoner draws a conclusion based on the best explanation that fits the observed data and can be used to make predictions or guide further investigation
This is its usual expression:
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
The test implies that a person can identify an unknown subject by observing that subject's habitual characteristics. It is sometimes used to counter abstruse arguments that something is not what it appears to be.
Understanding and awareness are key for anyone who has encountered behavior anywhere along the spectrum of this personality disorder.
If it looks like a narcissist, behaves like a narcissist, and speaks like a narcissist, then it probably is a narcissist.
This may empower individuals to recognize what they are dealing with, protect themselves, and address inappropriate behavior. It may also teach them how to shut down a person who behaves this way and potentially avoid or minimize interactions with people like this when possible.
@@cookiemama4 It seems like my comment may have been deleted so I’m reposting it.
But anyway, that is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness.
Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed.
Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it.
You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, That feeling when your narc partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator MetaspyHub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Wow this is a perfect description of a covert narc. No need for a private detective bc everything from his phone records is either on iCloud or thru the phone carrier
☝️
This is just as applicable to relationships with family members. This is so helpful, thank you!
exactly
I always let him know my needs and he was like "ugh ok i will🙄" and it made me feel so miserable and like the bad guy... Couldn't even say he loved me wtf.
Learned to love myself and no more allowing anyone like that in my life ever again.
I've been so anxious and stressed out lately because a narcissistic parent I cut off for years reached out to me recently. I've been feeling so defeated, but I feel better watching this. This made me tear up a bit. Thank you so much for these videos, Jimmy.
I am 60. Married for 27 years. Most of the time I stayed at home, taking care for my daughter and my husband, house renovations, doing accounting for his business. Working hard all my life without the paycheck. The years I worked did not add up to any pension, as I followed him when he got the contract in US, witch left me with no work permit. Now I am in the situation where I don't have means to go on my own. How to survive in this situation? He controls all the money. 7 years ago we moved to Central America, no friends, no family, no safe circle to go to. There are many talks about leaving the narcissist. No talk about how to stay and survive. Is it possible at all? If I knew, what I know now, I would do things differently. But there was always excuse for him, stress, work, etc. He was bread winner for our family. Now, when he is retired, we live in a beautiful place, and his behavior is at his worst. At 60 I am stack with the regrets, with 0 perspective for changing my situation. We are living in this beautiful place, and I wonder every morning why I wake up, and what for. What is the sense and purpose of my existence.
I would say try to enjoy the beautiful place as much as you can & minimize your time with him if you can't leave. Maybe make a friend there & go out & socialize with other groups. I hope this helps.
Can´t you divorce him but of course the battle ... ACA - they are all around the world if you are lucky they can be an oases.
Grey rock, if you stay. it’s a technique to give yourself peace. Look it up 🌷
Get out anyway you can. Live in a van. Anything. Take him to court and use legal aid to get what you are entitled to. The law is on your side.
Leaving safely whilst you still can.
Husband has made me week and sick. You are soo right. Thank you very much. Boundaries..he loves crossing boundaries...he gets high off his abuse..
I had the strangest encounter last week. My partner asked me why I did something. I answered him, but he would not hear me. He kept asking again and again and told me why he thought Was the reasons were why I did a particular thing. The interrogation would not cease until I said my reason was what he thought the reason was. His reason that I had to agree to was not even close to my reason and his reason was completely off base and painted me in such an awful light, that I did what I did for selfish reasons and to be controlling. The strangest part is because I said sure, lets just go with what you said, he actually became gleeful and stopped harassing me. It was very enlightening. He needed his weird perspective validated because he has to be self righteous and I have to be the low life.
I'm sorry you are dealing with that. It's awful to be in the sights of one of these parasites.
srw5611, run whilst you still can. This partner of yours is dangerous!
Get out of that relationship Asap.
I go through that as well, I cannot explain my reasoning or I'm just obviously not listening to what they said or I would just agree with them.
Im embarrased to say, more than once i said those exact words just to make it stop. It was what she needed to hear at that moment. That was 10 years ago and nothing has changed for the better. She has only gotten more abusive and I am not the same person I was coming into this relationship. If I don't walk away now I'm afraid I never will
This was good. Thank you. I'm going through this now with someone i was getting to know for almost 6 months however I've stood up for myself several times in a span of almost 6 months. The only problem is me being empathetic and understanding of their childhood trauma. I walked away because i was finally tired of the gaslighting, triangulation, belittling me and invalidating my feelings. I'm disappointed in myself that I stuck around and tolerated this behavior for almost 6 months with my time, energy and attention but at least it wasn't 6 year's.
My dad is a narcissist. I’ll never forget one time (I was 10 or 11) that he bullied me until I cried. Then he asked me “Are you upset?” I said “Yes.” Then he said “Good. That was my intention .”
That's so horrible
Anyone watching this for first time, do watch till the very end. One of the most sensible videos on narcissism I have ever watched yet. Thank you!❤
Well said., That person needs to experience the pain, shame, isolation as the fruit off their behaviors. Their behaviors were not my choices. That is my boundary. I refuse the pain.
Its funny but people actually learn by example. Setting boundaries is good. However, the person who is without respectful qualities.....well, how is that helpful to us if we dont at least try to demonstrate the proper approach to others. In short, we may be the only person to ever raise an issue in this persons entire life and how sad that is.
We all have narcissistic tendencies…especially in a digital era that seems to ‘work’ to exasperate them. A strong sense of self, of your true ‘north’, of your center will always reinforce strength. My strength is how I view my relationship to myself and the world, and the harmony between the two: I am facing my fears and my faults and I am learning self acceptance and love.
Those beginning words...are directly from a narcissist pushing blame elsewhere.
Interesting video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@stanleymason-od4lsIt's not good to force something that is not meant to happen naturally.
The first time I stood up to my narcissistic mother, was the last time. After that, she didn’t speak to me for 22 years! It was the best thing she ever did for me was to leave me alone. I spent the next 22 years healing and realizing I had my own issues and healed from addiction and raised my son with beautiful secure attachment to me. It took a lot of work, and Gods healing thru inner healing prayer. It is possible. Thx for posting. You rock!
Thank you for this xx there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I finally blocked my mother today and I’ve forgiven her so many times. It’s my birthday and I didn’t get a happy birthday only an awful message of how bad I am because I said no to her yesturday about moving in with me. But I lent her some money as she needed it. She wasn’t grateful for that. I said no as our relationship is already strained xx
Some couples both have narcissistic defenses. Let’s not forget that. One intense narcissist can bring out narcissistic defenses in you as well. Usually one is more the narcissist than the other or both might not be narcissists but have adaptive behaviors that are dysfunctional.
So I’m just realizing at 47 that my dad maybe a narcissist. At 22 he cut me out of his life for his reasons and as I have aged I come to realize there were several instances where I didn’t do what he wanted but the last one was too much for him. All this time I have felt shame for my choices because of his choice. I have recently reconnected with his wife privately, and have started to see his behavior towards her is narcissistic. And now after listening to this post, I realize I have no shame that me standing up for what I believed in was setting a boundary and I’ve lived at times of difficult life, but a much better one putting that boundary in place years ago. You see it I thought he put a boundary in place but he didn’t. I did thank you.
What an awesome insight!
That is such a powerful video for people who suffers/suffered from narcissistic manipulation.
Wow! It's like you've been in a destructive narc relationship, and you are describing it in detail. So many of us, unfortunately, are living it right now and so we appreciate your empathy, analysis and recommendations. The only thing I want to add is that some of us came from loving families that increased our empathetic characteristics. We are not coming from the viewpoint that we are not worthwhile.... we just empathize so much .... which is what gets us stuck with narcs. Boundaries ARE the answer and becoming comfortable with drawing that line in the sand without feeling selfish. GREAT podcast! You touched on ALL the salient issues. Now, we just need to apply them. Thank you!
Emotional boundaries are what you need and particularly around your empathy.
That was by far the best talk I have seen given by Jimmy. It covered so many areas of what is and what is not a healthy relationship. It addressed being safe in multiple ways and it validated the weary traveler who has gone the distance with a narcissist and is beyond spent. It is ok to stop trying, and the validation here reinforced that.
After ten years I finally got my husband to agree to marriage counseling. I had no idea what was coming. We walked in the door and he immediately started yelling at the therapist (before we even sat down or said hello). He yelled all sorts of obscenities like "who the fk do you think you are... You think you can fking tell me how to live my life...fk off"... And he stormed out. I was stunned. Looking back I wish I had left him then. But due to kids, financial and health reasons... And not knowing what a narcissist is until about 5 years ago...I have stayed married for 35 miserable years. It was the last time I tried to fix anything though. I'm lucky that if I'm quiet he keeps to himself 99% of the time and just ignores me. It's tolerable.
I’m so sorry 😢 sending hugs. They really are Satan’s children
Parent, siblings, I wish I could have a normal family but I haven’t. That is right, nothing is working. You can go to therapy and try your best, it won’t change the narcissist, the only thing that works is stop talking to them, don’t give them information. Don’t trust them, don’t expect anything. It is really hard without having people who support you. I never got the chance to have a loving family behind. This is so hard.
This is how I got my narc X to do right. When I was able to prove he was ignoring the divorce decree, I filled contempt of court paperwork. Whew...his attorney got his head screwed on right before he had to speak to a judge, and he had to reimburse me for my attorney fees.
My friend’s mom is a narcissist. It’s so sad to watch her try to love her mom and spend quality family time together, for it to all go crazy with drama. She stays mad and hurt until her mom ‘needs’ her again, and the cycle starts all over. There’s nothing I can do but show her love, respect, and validate her feelings. 😢
You are the most concise and well spoken person I've encountered on this topic.
Im in a relationship with a narcissistic for 8 years i tried everything to make this relationship work until i realised how a narcissistic person behaves i now have boundaries i don't allow him to touch me now because he sadly used that as a weapon knowing he is a narcissistic was a great relief because not knowing i thought I was going mad thankyou for the help and advice
"I've tried everything to make this relationship work, and it feels impossible, and I'm completely exhausted and defeated and angry and hopeless all at the same time, and i don't know what else to do..." 😢
Watching this video was triggering for me because you described my journey of the past 15 years. I went through all this decided to end the marriage in 2019, then tried to have another go at making the marriage work. It was the same issues all over again. At one point I came to this conclusion "Love, now, looks like boundaries and consequences." Which is pretty much what you described in your video. My marriage was formally ended earlier this year (2024). Now I am still coparenting with her.
Thank you for your videos and the work that you do. You are a great blessing. ❤
It's so so sad . The pain that we never had a chance is almost killing me . Can't stop crying 😭 much love from Germany ❤
It will get easier with time.
@@tara34952 Thank you for your comforting words 🙏 God bless you
Like waking up from the happiest dream ever and realizing it was only a dream
I'm glad you added you can't always safely set boundaries everyone says it like it's so easy to do but sometimes the settings won't allow it. I worked with one, was raised by another, as well as one of my sisters being engaged to one...
Jimmy you are incredibly comforting and everything you say is a confirmation of what I already think I should do. God, please give me the strength to step away permanently.
In my case, it’s my oldest (38 yr old) daughter. She finally left over a year ago, recently wanted to come back because she’s homeless. She burns her bridges in every relationship she gets into. I told her NO, she is not allowed to come our property. Sadly it’s the game she plays in which my husband & I are the bad guys, nothing we do for her is good enough & she always leaves a mess for us to clean up. It’s caused havoc on our emotions, bills for repairs & clean up & other family relationships, but we are slowly healing & our home is peaceful. Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expect different results. We have broken this cycle in insanity in our home. We love her but we can’t help her.
I am all for taking accountability for our own actions ..( like why do we try to “ maintain “ a relationship with a narcissist? )… but apologize to a narcissist just gives them fuel . Sort of “ AHA ! Now you are admitting it’s ALL YOUR fault!”…
Mental health is all about self-awareness and self-care. Learning and seeking knowledge are crucial steps in this journey. By understanding ourselves better, we can prioritize our needs and take steps towards a healthier mindset. That's why I appreciate this channel so much, it provides clear explanations that help me connect the dots and understand my thoughts and feelings. The first step is recognizing and acknowledging our challenges.
Beautifully said….. thank you ❤
You just described my mother. She would attack my brother and myself and say that we caused her to attack us, to curse us, to abuse us. She tells everyone to this very day that she had 5 bad children and that God had dealt her a bad hand. Because of her childhood we all tried to take this in to consideration but this only made her more violent and abusive. Our father has done nothing but enable her to grow into a monster at 86.He would not set boundaries with her in order to protect us. He allowed her to rage and create a violent atmosphere at home. Now she rages on him. I have tried to be part of her life but it is beyond impossible to endure the insults she lobs at me, my husband, my children, siblings and father. We have all pretty much stepped out of her life. Not out of spite or meanness but for our personal safety and sanity. I do worry for my aged parents and how they are managing but I see no way to endure this poisonous atmosphere around her.
Yeah taking care of them when their old is a real pain because of this.
What a bad person. Run! No contact!!
I wanted to apologize for my bad reaction the other day but I just couldn't do it. He would gloat and think he won the argument that he provoked. After 25 years of never getting an apology from him I just couldn't do it even though I did feel remorse for my behavior. It's a 25 year consequence. I'm very much done and ready to move on without the means to do so.
Not only did you never receive an apology, you probably apologized frequently without realizing it.
Divorcing after 25 years with no money is better than 35 or 40 years with no money.
@@katiedinkel1681or being in your elderly years with someone who can neglect you or hurt you enough that your health declines enough to shorten your life. It becomes a life or death situation the more vulnerable you become.
Absolutely will ABSORB that negative, toxic energy if you place yourself in that atmosphere on a regular basis. No or low contact is the ONLY way to deal with toxic people.
Thank you for your validation Jimmy, that we aren’t needy or asking for too much. We’re literally asking for the bare minimum. Let’s get to work on treating ourselves better and knowing we deserve someone who would reciprocate and give us back everything we give them. It’s hard, I know, growing up with a narcissist parent this stuff is deeply deeply engrained. Fight the good fight y’all. Stay strong and let’s not let them change us as Jimmy said.
When placing boundaries, narcisists often say you're threatening them or giving them an ultimatum. That's what my ex did. I would say, "You cannot just walk into the bathroom when I'm in there." He thought he deserved access to my body. So, the most prominent moment I remember of placing a body boundary is when I was pregnant and in the doctors office. The nurse said to get ready for an exam. While the nurse was in the room, I asked my then husband to leave. He freaked and tried to use the public conflict to embarrass me into complying. I didn't interrupt him while he made the scene. I simply said, "Yes, Im serious. Please leave." He had no choice. In that moment, I turned the public environment to my benefit. Rather than wait for the nurse to tell him he had to respect my wishes, he left. If you do this once, you learn to do it in more situations, and get your power back. If your partner is possibly violent, this is less useful. Be safe first. ❤
This is literally the best video on narcissism that I've ever watched. And I've easily watched a hundred or more over the years. Personal accountability is everything. The moment I became accountable for the part I played in my relationship with the narcissist, everything changed. It's the first and essential step in taking our power back. Thank you so much for posting this video.
so, so true....recovering from a very abusive relationship right now....concluded with the one thing SHE required - loyalty - naturally, she crossed the line...I am crushed but I will recover...she never will, rinse and repeat....
In the same exact boat, my friend. Keep your head up brother 🙏
If you ever meet a narcissist and find yourself saying you love them, take a good look at yourself and fix yourself. If you love yourself and respect yourself, you will NOT give a narcissist the time of day.
...they might HEAR you...but they are NOT LISTENING - they are NOT interested...they are just generally incurious...
My last romantic relationship was one. He used that boundary of leaving the room so that he would never have a conversation with me. So, now it is hard for me when someone says, they need to take a few minutes away. He also faked being physically unable to do any of these things that a person needs to do to pick up after him or herself.
I have profound PTSD from the things that he did, and said, to me.
I changed in that relationship so that I could cope with him.
After 10 years of that, I have a hard time going back to the person I used to be. Or rather, finding the good in me to move forward so that I can have any good relationship.
Then I finally, recently, I realized that my parents were that way to me.
So all my life I sought out relationships with people that are “ that way” because it felt normal.
Boundaries done even work with the exception of setting the groundwork for getting away from them. They want what they want without reason or explanation and will toss you and your boundaries aside in favor of someone who has none.