I am at a point where they attack me everywhere I go. They target me on the spot and start mistreating me in public. The people fall for his/ her manipulation and false narrative of me. They all turn against me. How can I stop the narc turning everyone against me and making me leave defeated and broken?
Learned that recently. It’s been 4 months after getting blocked by a narcissist after I said that I enjoy my life and that I am comfortable with my own skin despite what people say.
Had a guy recently tell me my heart was so pure, idk y at the moment my 📡 went up. Because in the same breath he said don't ever let Noone see you cry. The conversation was about my mother! Then I said, "Not even you huh, got it !!
@@caughtnwebb4819RUN! Avoid at all cost. Go non-contact now, while you can!! Trust yourself. What you sensed was a narcissist. They hide well, until they can’t anymore. Again, RUN!
I gave up everything for my husband and he didn't even pick up my calls for 50 days (went to stay with his parents). When I visited him and begged him for humane behavior, he told me women have done far more for men and I've maybe made only 1% of the efforts I should have. He said this sitting at his bed next to his parents, yelling at me, and btw did I mention we were living separately because he emotionally, physically and mentally abused me for 6 months of marriage. Got married in 2023. Getting divorced in 2024. Also this is his second marriage and the first wife also suffered the same. He's fucking 34. THEY NEVER LEARN. THEY'RE NOT HUMAN. RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, PLEASE.
My ex wife. Her previous husband committed suicide. She made me feel crazy. I wasn’t. I was a successful Army Officer. She once said, “By the time I’m finished with you you’ll be a bus driver.” I finally filed for divorce. Her abuse increased but she still wanted to be intimate. Then I placed a restraining order on her. It took me a couple years to get back to normal. Met my now wife, been married 12 years without the first argument since our first date.
Ok see this is what happens I’m not normally argumentative. But I’ve put up with so much from my husband I’ve come to this. It’s frustrating. He tells me he’s doing boundaries even though he’s been cheating and lying. Hiding things that in a marriage shouldn’t be hidden. It makes my head just want to explode.
My Mom took care of my narc Dad for 65 years. The one night she needed him to call 911, he did not. She died 15 minutes before I got there. They don't care. They won't change. Get out, don't waste your life for them. NOTHING works with them. 😢
My two eldest siblings sister a sociopathic narcissist and brother covert and religious narcissist.. Absolutely destroyed my parents and then stole everything they ever had including there wedding rings.. I hate them
I crashed on a motorcycle. She left on a trip the next day after I asked to come with….. so she could help bandage me Go figure. And sorry for the loss and situation.
My elderly relative just lost her grandiose narcissistic husband and moved in with me. The amount of unnecessary apologizing she does to me breaks my heart.
@uuuultra apologizing is actually known as a reflex of people around narcissistic individuals. The " apology reflex". It is a sign of being abused, whether physical, verbal, or emotional.
Left my narcissist husband yesterday. I’ve watched this video 3 times so far. When you are so traumatized and damaged by their abuse, it’s easy to blame yourself and you need to know you have value. Thank you Jimmy. This video is literally a god send to my life right now. It’s all true and i have to go no contact for my self preservation. Thank you for the validation and understanding that i have wished and waited for and never received the entire time i knew this man. God bless you and your family.❤
You mention parents. ...if you are going to call out parents and partners, you should also include adult children and friends. Otherwise, this sounds a bit one-sided, like only parents and partners can be toxic. There are many different relationships that can be with one person being self centered, toxic and create confusion and chaos for others. Some, like friends and partners can be released, however, it is much different and difficult with adult children and parents.
@@LauraB-jf9sfThank you, Laura. My adult daughter acts exactly like her narcissistic father, whom I divorced, when she was 2…to protect her. Lots of therapy for her, pouring love and care and support into her little self, into her development…but the repeated abandonment and toxic gaslighting by her father, at pivotal points in her development, have taken hold of her. I am finally accepting that she will not outgrow her abusive behavior toward me. And it is heartbreaking. My son is not like this. We both have tried and tried to get through to her. But she refuses to self-reflect or take any accountability. So painful…….. Sending hugs…🩷❤️🧡
Congratulations! I’m so very happy for you. You probably still have work to do on yourself, but you can do that now. I left mine two years ago and I’m still working through things.
Don't waste one second of your time on a narcissist. They are the most insidious, vindictive, untrustworthy, cruel people. Go no contact and never look back. Don't let them destroy you.
This cannot be said loudly enough. They wont change and they dont give a shit about you. Judge a relationship by the BAD moments, not the good ones. Theyre all fake and taylored anyway.
Hurt People Hurt People they are still a child of God and He loves them and you might be the only person that ever prays for them and shows them the love of God... Bless those that curse you I pray God's richest blessings on you and that He heals your heart ❤️
Pray for them from a distance. Run like hell from them. Period. They don't change. They don't improve. And one day they may try to murder you as my ex had attempted.
@@Janderra While I respect everyone's religious beliefs and freedoms, I could never, ever pray for anything good for my ex. He is pure evil, and not even divine intervention could save him. If Jesus showed up in front of his face and told him how to be a good person and redeem himself, he would fake it only until Jesus went away. Then he would immediately start scheming how to hurt his current supply. Some people cannot be helped. Some people are just pure evil.
@@brainfartthunderz Dr. Ramani calls recalling the good memories with a narcsissist, "euphoric recall". Dr. Sam Vaknin calls any delusional hope you have for the narcissist, "malignant optimism".
Dr. Sam Vaknin says that narcissists have the emotional maturity of a 4-year-old. We get frustrated because we think or hope they have the emotional maturity of an adult. We need to rewire our brains and interact with them as we would with a child, setting firm boundaries but without empathy, kindness and compassion, which will be exploited and weaponized against you.
As a narc I disagree. I don't think sweeping generalisations and unpersoning anyone you can label 'narcissist' is productive, healthy or even sane, let alone mature. It's disturbing and dangerous. Empaths, man... Mob mentality
@Sara76779 She will blame you for every problem she ever has her entire life. My rotten sister destroyed my parents especially my mother.. Don't ever take blame for what your daughter has become.
I agree. My therapist told me once after she had a one on one session with my ex “run far and run fast”. Did I listen? No, I stayed for 6 more months of torture. 🤦♀️ They don’t care and they just don’t have much to give back.
So why so much focus on narcissism these days? Are we having more encounters with narcissistic individuals? What's the root cause in the increase of narcissistic behavior?
I think it’s just evolution. people are speaking about a lot of things that have gone on for centuries now and in different periods of time excessively. One thing that causes an uptick in today’s day and age.. is social media. (Fantasy world) it’s easier to do that with social media and dating sites. It’s the advancement of technology. It’s also social media that has allowed the message to spread rapidly. We have the knowledge now and warp speed technology to spread it. They did not many, many, years ago.
They tend to act like angels and like whatever you’re accusing them of- it never happened- so you left to either be quiet and let it go or insist in front of the counselor that this person is not telling the truth while that other person paint you as a crazy person that’s over exaggerating everything. It makes you wanna videotape things, but then I have some moral hangup about that because it’s hard to know when things are going to break out the fight and order for it to look unbiased and a fair evaluation. I feel like it needs to be at the beginning before things heat up into a bad fight. I’m tired of my spouse, not remembering how abusive their words were a year ago just because they weren’t videotape and no one was there to see it but our kids and God. M friends end up seeing some of it leaking through when they started spending time with us. He got better once I actually started looking into how to separate and get the kids with us a break. He’s taking everything seriously and so far is the longest stretch I’ve seen of things getting better … we are going on months now… I’m hoping and and praying that he actually has seen the truth and been slapped with reality realizing that I’m not gonna stay if he continues.
"Nobody protected you during childhood." That cut DEEP. 😰 I now realised for the first time that nobody protected me or listened to me during childhood.😢 I kept everything bottled up. To hear this from a stranger is strangely liberating and upsetting at the same time; it made me cry.😭 I could feel my pent-up emotions being released from my chest, a heavy burden being unloaded.
Narcissist get hurt no matter what you say. You can tell them “you left the front door unlocked“ and they will turn it into a barrage of insults. So you can have boundaries with the narcissist, but you can never ever mention anything that you need in a relationship. Because they will feel like somehow they’ve failed. And their world will be shattered. And they’ll come out swinging with verbal insults. The hard part with narcissist, is that even if you do apologize, they don’t hear you. And will remember every small thing you said to them or request you made. And they will overlook all the insults they piled on you. And then when it’s time to apologize, they won’t they’ll say things like. “well that’s how I felt at the time. And “or “you didn’t understand me.”and if you catch onto that, and you ask them to clarify what they’re talking about they might say something like “I don’t need to clarify anything for you.” It’s a complete circular argument that is not winnable. And honestly, the other person in the couple is not trying to win, they’re trying to understand and fight for a relationship.
I call it ‘The Twilight Zone.’ Nothing is as it should be in normal communication, it’s a house of mirrors... It’s like trying to pin jello to the wall; impossible. Simply don’t try. You are arguing with a mental illness in the guise of a human being. All it will do is make you crazy. And as you do, it just feeds their sense of control and superiority. Don’t feed the Beast! Go silent: don’t defend yourself, don’t explain, don’t justify. Simply turn on your heels, and walk away. Nothing you say is valid to them: YOU as a human are INVALID. Understand this: you can NEVER have a real relationship with a narcissist; it’s impossible.
Ok. Well I’ll sit inside then as we’ve all felt plenty with narcs / clutter B going through life. I think you mean in a romantic relationship? Well if that’s the case that’s like saying never pick the wrong partner which I think none of us here married our high school gf/bf. I mean no one walks into a date thinking of signing up for a narcissist …. We have codependency/ childhood trauma. They ( cluster B ) has a 6th sense for weak people and sniff them out and latch tot he ones they can control And use and abuse. I’m Not sure why you put the emphasis on never getting into a relationship with them when it’s pretty unavoidable to people who childhood wounding / codependency/ people pleasing / fawning response. The better then to ask is for people to go get therapy. Read books. Work on themselves so it doesn’t happen again and again and again….
Ok. Well I’ll sit inside then as we’ve all felt plenty with narcs / clutter B going through life. I think you mean in a romantic relationship? Well if that’s the case that’s like saying never pick the wrong partner which I think none of us here married our high school gf/bf. I mean no one walks into a date thinking of signing up for a narcissist …. We have codependency/ childhood trauma. They ( cluster B ) has a 6th sense for weak people and sniff them out and latch tot he ones they can control And use and abuse. I’m Not sure why you put the emphasis on never getting into a relationship with them when it’s pretty unavoidable to people who childhood wounding / codependency/ people pleasing / fawning response. The better then to ask is for people to go get therapy. Read books. Work on themselves so it doesn’t happen again and again and again….
@ssing7113 That's exactly what Jimmy said here.. Get into therapy to help you get through this.. I'm amazed at how a narcissist can be so manipulative and so good at their torment, that they can take a good hearted, happy, loving, free person, and turn them into a person who loses peace and joy and twisted their brain! They are also able to so manipulate the friends and family members, but is able to turn the truth into a lie, and make these family members take sides against the one whom they've known all their lives, and who would never harm or lie about a single soul! That sounds like the Bible description of the devil! Get away, and be happy and free again! 🍃🌺🍃
"They cut themselves out of your life" - those were some powerful words and so true!!! The fact is, they didn't give you a choice. So you should feel absolutely no guilt in deciding to close the door and lock them out for good.
This is the sad truth. And in fact that itself is another manipulation and gaslighting tactic itself. So when the empath can FULLY understand this is the truth, it’s freeing to be able to move forward and know you don’t owe them anything. The truth is freeing.
This happened to me. They'll give options that seem you have no choice but to do what they want. It's always accordance to their plan. It's just so sad that it'll take years for you to know everything.
"Close the door and lock them out forever " isn't that bit narcissistic? As I read peoples comments on this subject, maybe the victim of a narcissist doesn't know how to live healthy,, period. Do they go from victim to victim situation and they are their own cycle? I ask this with all sincerity. For decades, I lived a completely separate life from a narcissist. But remained very involved, for one reason only: love. I had no book. The definition of narcissism didn't exist to most people. Many times, in the privacy of my own home, I would want to quit, walk away. But Love kept me. It preserved my mind and who I was. So I remained involved to also reach out to those who couldn't defend themselves and so desperately needed validation and love. Finally, a break through! Death almost became this narcissist. And just like that, Love touched this narcissist because they only faced death's final reality. Nothing else worked previously. But oh! This narcissist had a recollection of a life long Love. Even though years lost, the Love gained for the few years forward is so worth it! So sweet and so worth it. Disclosure: I was not capable of such a great Love, but I was willing. Therefore, I believe in my experience, Love came down to me and taught me the right way to love unlovable acting peoples. To separate the unlovable acts from the person. I learned it was Love that taught me not to accept unlovable acts of narcissism. I guess, I could write a book, with the decades of this experience. Maybe it would help parents of narcissistic children. I don't see much on that subject. I believe the experience feels similar to a child dying to the parent. Though, of course not so final, but still the same level of pain. Sorry for such a long exploration/query on this vast subject. I would like or hope to see more from others who came to the other side of narcissism. I believe there are many like me, who see what I've seen. Yes, it is hard to watch the unfortunate consequences of narcissism. But there is still hope for all who's soul was touched by narcissism. I believe this is because there is a Love greater than narcissism. ❤😊
Better yet, give them no access to any of your feelings. They get off on making you mad. Love me; hate me, but don’t ignore me. Being told to eff off is rewarding to them. Now that’s effed up!
The only thing that works with a narcissist is agreeing to fit into the box they have made for you. Give them constant attention and forget yourself and having your own opinions or wants
And it's so sad and ironic that we get into that box willingly, because we feel like we can help them finally understand they are deserving of our love. When in reality, the longer we are in that box, the more they prove they are undeserving.
I lesrned how to set boundaries in my 40s and I was left alone because noone wanted to accept them, above all my family. It was hard sering the more my self esteem increase, the more apart i felt. After that I started again from zero. New boundaries, new people. Now I'm so happy and I feel brave and I have people aroumd me who are happy to respect me and enjoy my company.
I am 40 and going thru this same thing - thank you for posting your inspiration and reassurance that it will be worth it --- my beautiful sweet daughter told me yesterday when I asked her "why is doing the best thing for you so painful" -- she said "it's like working out, it's going to hurt in the beginning, but you keep going and then you realize how good it is for you..." wow! I needed that --- keep going too
Bravo! My husband & I are very much "set apart" because we choose to set & keep boundaries that are healthy & firm with almost everyone in our family. We choose NOT to do the very enmeshed everyone-has-to-know-every-single-thing-about everyone-else-every-waking-minute on Facebook, nor habitual message passing - instead of using mature communication (1 to 1) from the person who is actually responsible for communicating specific info. We stay out of codependecy (= helping others under-function &/or rewarding them for it). We don't use drugs, & we work to genuinely live our Faith. It's sad to have so much family that do not honor boundaries & are awash in so much enmeshment, a controlling minset, & more. But it's proved 100% worth it for us to stay out of all of that mess & have the peace of Christ & keep following Him. I think the process of being set apart is called "sanctification."
Leaving for 30 minutes is just GIVING them MORE time for them to conjur more lies. Your skits are spot on. But, you have what appears to be a logical resolution. There are fake resolutions all the time and the cycle and patterns resume and repeat, except the behaviours become more covert and hurtful. The skits are funny, but I know that there is NO change just manipulation and gaslighting.😂
That’s no man at all. That is a coward who exists to control you for his own amusement and self aggrandizement, not a husband. Be careful if/when you cut ties.
My NM would sit on the couch and she had a list of her assets that she looked at all the times for reassurance. My parents would not give me a thing. Once I was done school it was time for me to get out. I moved away and now live a continent away, yet the damage is still inside of me. I will face my mother one more time as she is getting close to passing. It’ll be hi and bye.
My mother is 94 yrs old. She has told all her children until they died "the only reason I had children was so they would take care of ME!" Only two of us left, one has disowned her many times and moved out of state to free herself of her abuse. I'm all she has left (narcissists don't have friends) and the abuse is almost daily. She is angry we left home, got jobs, have spouses, children, animals, homes, friends, obligations, "how dare we!" Narcissist is not overused.
Not telling you what to do but you can put her in a nursing home. You don't owe it to her to take care of her especially at the expense of your emotional and mental health. Almost two years ago after my dad's, 10 years older than him wife of 2 years died, he sold her property fast, called me, told me he sold the "farm" for x amount, saying, "how about I come up there and move in with you?". I was caught off guard and nearly went into panic mode but quickly and firmly said, "No!".
If it were me I would put her in a home or simply leave her. Because otherwise I risk becoming a narc myself, with endless mileage to the story of how I made such a sacrifice to take care of my mother when all my other siblings had left.
I don't think the term is overused either. I think families are waking up. Substance abuse creates the same symptoms, and they're willing to admit that almost all American families have at least one addict, now. Dysfunctional is dysfunctional.
@@PaigeSquared yes substance abuse creates traits of narcissism into your personality. i have seen this from very close ! also mental abuse can create narcissism, as against as i was about it before, i think abuse can create an abuser
Label behaviors as narcissistic instead of people. You aren't rejecting the person. You are rejecting those chosen behaviors and those chosen values. Those become your boundaries and they exist for everyone.
That's so naive. Narcissists ARE their behavior. Narcissism is a very fixed disorder that destroys nearly everyone they come into contact with. They will destroy you emotionally, financially, physically and mentally because it's their nature.
100%. If you have children with them, DO NOT TELL THEM YOU ARE LEAVING. File for divorce before you ever reveal your intentions, then leave quietly, or request that they leave.
@@ThePeacefulsunshine I’m sure! They’re a different breed, and they’re surgical in what they do. I’m out, but have a kid with my ex. My counselor told me something that really sums it up. She told me that I’m not divorced FROM my ex-wife, I’m divorced TO her.
@@ThePeacefulsunshine agreed, but I chose to leave very noisily & publicly. Shaming them to hell & back to hell again. Some animals bite back. I'm THAT kind of animal. 💯👍🏽
My oldest son is a narcissist/addict and it has been a heart breaking ordeal to set boundaries and let go. It got to a point that it was making me physically and mentally ill. My youngest son finally had to remind me that he was my son too and did not want to end up as an orphan bc his brother was slowly killing me. It was a wake up call for sure. I had tried everything w my oldest and it kept escalating over about 15 years. Thank you for this video. ❤
@@lindalinda9441really looks a bit strange, to say your child is a toxic person... Because you are the one teaching him... Maybe talk to a person, you can trust with questions of relationships. ❤
@@MoniqueSommer he is toxic due the the abuse of drugs and alcohol.. am I missing something here? I didn’t raise him to do drugs. I don’t do drugs, nor did I raise him to be a drinker because I don’t drink either… his substance abuse makes him toxic. When he’s not on them, he’s a great person. I think that’s why I’m confused. I don’t feel he’s scapegoat. I feel he has a substance-abuse problem… that was the point of me asking how someone thought I was using him as a scapegoat and that I might be narcissistic. I love my son in spite of everything. But it is very difficult on our family. And I appreciate it the video because it did help me a bit.
Going to counseling with a narcissist is the WORST thing you can do! They will ALWAYS play the victim card, make YOU look like the villain, and manipulate the counselor into taking their side against you.
The narcissist always blame someone else for the horrible things they have done. And a lot of these narcissist abuse councilors feed into the narcissist lies.
I do not know, maybe it depends on the shrink. I went to mine (he had been listening to my side of the story for months) and he 'disassembled' the guy with a few straightforward questions not buying into his 'it-is-all-her-to-blame' stuff. So maybe try going to a shrink who knows you who works with couples, too.
Leaving. Leaving is the ONLY thing that works with a narc. Go no contact and DO NOT let them know in advance. Boundaries will not work, because they do not respect your boundaries.
Mine did the same. He was willing to read books with me and create guidelines and guardrails for conflict. He even wanted to write a book about it. But I guess we forgot to put the part about “not invalidating, not dismissing, not gaslighting, not lying, not denying someone basic human rights of being treated with respect”, so yeah. That didn’t work at all. And I had a very difficult time staying emotionally regulated around him. Normally I am calm and can be reasonable but it was like being thrown into a fire expecting to have no reaction. Pretty difficult. My nervous system was getting wrecked and totally drained.
🎉Yes! I cutted my toxic dangerous sister, about 3 years not seeing her! But still scaring because anarssitic and psychopaths can do anything bad to.... They are always thinking about thier victims or those they hate, how to destroy their life, they don't want u to live! They want to kill u.... Everything
This made me cry, a lot. I realized I was not truly loved by the man I was married to for 27 years. Anything I brought up was the problem and anything I wanted or needed was the problem. "Everything should just be fine" or "I shouldn't have to do that" are phrases I heard a lot. I am still struggling everyday to heal from the trauma and loss of my life and who I became as a result of all of it.
Know that you are not alone. I remember the moment it dawned on me that after nearly 20 years, three children and moving 1,200 miles from my home, family and friends, I realized they never loved or cared at all about me. My parents and brother have passed away and I literally lost my family. My daughters didn’t want to live where I grew up, so I’m still living far from who is left of my family. He really ruined my life. He’s remarried the third time since me. He started flouncing women around me immediately after the separation (even before the divorce) and it was as if he didn’t even recognize me or know who I was. NPD is very very evil. It’s hard for normal people to wrap your thinking around it.
Do you know the creator of all? His Name is JESUS. I found Him in His Word- the Bible. He changed my life. I pray for you. Take care. You are precious and valuable to your creator and FATHER in heaven.
Sometimes a narcissist is a friend who never asks you how you are and always just talks about themselves. You might still love them, but you have to walk away just to get “air”. 😢😢😢
@@chrisjoy2911 yes, you are probably right, but knowing they are so blind about themselves and you happen to care about them is rough. I guess I could just not care, but somehow I see some good in the person and haven’t given up. Although I think to be married to a narcissist, must be a nightmare. 😟
Not true...narcissists are social creatures & they know how to act nice with you in public to gain people's approval. In private, they only think about themselves.
Word of warning that some counselors are narcissists themselves. I've had three. If you're in marriage counseling and something doesn't feel right, don't ignore it. Just because they're professionals doesn't mean they're normal people
That is so true. My mother is a psychologist with multiple degrees in various fields of therapy and she is still a narcissist, who broke my arm when i was in 5th grade because of something to do with chores. But i still think she is a great phychologist in certain fields. So yeah, its good to be aware of those people
So so true, and thank you for being, I think, the only one to make such a comment. My narc brother who was an architect retrained as a relationship therapist, qualified up to the eyeballs, but absolutely cold, feelingless, manipulative and the last person you would want to share any emotional information with. He is also mildly autisitic. He has only been in practice a few years and is already on the brink of financial ruin, as nobody goes back after a few sessions. I sometimes wonder how many people he has caused further hurt and emotional pain to, in the way he has destroyed our family.
Someone high on the NPD spectrum is not capable of any intimate relationships. Period. Thats all you need to know. You’ll never be able to fill the shortfall of what they are not capable of giving. They are incapable of intimate partnership, same as a statue. They want admiration and attention but, like a statue, they cannot give anything back. Choose someone else.
The hardest but best moment of my life was sitting with myself after i caught him cheating. I was able to evaluate. I over sympathized and gave him the support and forgiveness that showed how much i cared…because i was giving a troubled person every comfort i longed for. So in a way, i was trying to fix everything by being what i desperately wanted and hoping to get the same in return. We’re raised on TV and movies and books. But we aren’t going to get a happy ending with someone who doesn’t even care that we’re in the story. I can comfortably say that my ex was a narcissist, and not just the word being thrown around. When i realized that my strength wasn’t in making a relationship work, it was in saying no to men that had no intentions of making a relationship work, my whole world changed. Saying no is hard, when you want to say yes and explain away the red flags. But it’s the most wonderful thing to change your life.
Which, is scary. Why? Because it shows how easily they are manipulated by Socio/Psychopaths... And what that means (in terms of which role they're intent on pigeon holing their partner into). What a sick game.
Agreed. If it doesn't impact them, they don't care. In my experience, at the end of the day, you need to withdrawal your time and energy from the person and move on. I've known people who gave and gave and gave till they were ultimately decimated. It's important to recognize the signs early. Remain detached while you assess a person. If there's no empathy, or a person doesn't do what s/he says they will do, or the interaction becomes very one sided (over time), get out. Sometimes narcissists will invest and do things (including love bombing) up front and that can throw people off. It's actions over time that matter.
This is my first RUclips comment ever. But I need to say this. Thank you Jimmy. It meant a world to me that you explained this. I was miserable for weeks, I had no idea what to do. I cried so much. I had no idea on how do these people behave nor weather they exist. But this now makes so much sense now. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
I started crying when you said you are sorry for the way I have been treated because that is not a word I have ever heard out of my narc husband's mouth in the past 20 years of emotional abuse. Thank you for understanding your video really gave me hope, I am going to set boundaries 💪😊
I tried reading relationship books with my narc. I made a list of ways to work out differences peacefully with respectful ground rules built in. He’d listen and agree. And a few days later he’d start screaming and breaking all the rules we agreed on.
Emotionally they are young children. Don't expect maturity, consistent behaviour, etc. It's funny that most people have no patience for children but have infinite tolerance for narcisists and their behaviour😂😂
Nobody has the right to tell me who I am or not. Nobody has the right to tell me that I won't make my dreams happen, everything I want in my life. Nobody has the right to tell me or even think like "you know what, it's not possible for you, or you can't do it" . Nobody has that right, nobody. It's MY life
My soon to be ex wife told me my dreams were never going to happen so I just needed to stop dreaming. She'd ask me to do something and then proceed to tell me how to do it. I got to the point were if she didn't like how I did something I told her to do it herself.
@xJimmyonRelationships___2 I don't know about that. It feels like I'm loosing my 2 oldest daughters in the process. Maybe someday they will see the truth. Their mother has smeared my name pretty good.
Love yourself. Stay in Peace. God Will Deliver you from Evil. I tried to defend myself with a narcissist husband for 32 years. When I learned to stay in Peace..He divorced me and married someone else. I was Safe and Free. 😊❤
It took exactly four children and 28 years for me to see it and finally accept it. It's as if I wasted my life on drugs and gambling. Now I'm in dire straits, broken body disabled mindful of PTSD and abandoned by so many.
@@NewMe-iq5os Thanks, What is your timeline? Currently I am 24 months into divorce. This week of September 23rd was the 2-year anniversary that she first chose to hook up with a co-worker. I can't explain all the details of how I know this exactly. But the recorder I listen to clearly stated that in 12 hours from then she was going to return to his apartment and finished what they started. I have been watching her closely because I knew that I had lost her love and someone else was making her laugh. From the time I found that recording until lunch the next day was the most overwhelming dread. Been at lunch when she should have been at home. Sleeping working midnights. Her car was not there. The recorder actually revealed exactly what aisle it was parked in but I never knew what store. During her adventure I had sent her a text message stating that I understood that it was really over now and that I would learn not to love her. When I retrieved the recorder the second time I heard her get back into her car, put her overnight bag in the back, sitting down in the driver seat and read text messages. Then she immediately called that man and said I've got a strange message on my phone from my husband. He says it's over now and he believes it. But why did he send this today? Does he know how? Could he know why today? It was an excruciating way to find out for sure. I could have blown up her phone texting and calling her at work. Trying to talk her out of it. But the truth is I figured out that she did not love me anymore 4 years before 💔. I lived 2 more years trying to sway her back. But it was really over and she proved it.
Damn man, I’m sorry to hear that. I only had 17 years being raised by a narc who controlled every facet they could. Can’t imagine going even farther than that and realizing what you have before it was too late.
You had me until apologizing to a narcissist. It's useless and they absolutely will use it against you. It doesn't mean you don't take internal accountability for what you do. It just means you don't share it with them. Apologizing is a vulnerable act. Don't waste that on a narcissist.
The point in apologising for any mistakes you have made is to take responsibility for what you have done and not become hard and bitter. The point is don't become like them. It is a hard place and self care is vital ❤
I agree with not apologizing to a narcissist. It is equal to giving them another bullet to take a shot at you. I tend to take all the responsibility and hold myself accountable for the entire relationship while the narcissist is not taking any responsibility and blaming me for everything wrong in the entire world. I have no problem showing my vulnerability which makes it hard to set boundaries. Apologizing would set me back in holding my ground. I think apologizing should be something you do with a healthy person who doesn't let it go to their head and use it against you.
I apologized to the narcissist once because it's who I am. I apologize for my actions for ME. not necessarily for them. I did the right thing, no matter what they make of it. Would I do it again? Only if I messed up really bad. I don't see that happening, so I doubt I'll do it again. Here's the Bible take on that: Matthew 7:6 “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.” King James Version (KJV)
#1 Understand your worth and value as a person #2 Understand what any relationship needs to feel safe and connected #3 Take an honest look without guilt or shame on what you specifically need in a relationship for intimacy or connection to take place #4 Develop a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated #5 Set limits and boundaries with people who push up against that standard regardless of who they are #6 Learn how to be vulnerable and respectfully talk about your needs and feelings
A toxic person EVEN IF agreeable to go to counseling, they will pretend to agree with the counselor but again NEVER do the work. And that is the most benign thing; my late husband always manipulated the counselors and they both in tandem gained up on me.
It does my heart good that this education is so easy to access now. This content is absolutely critical, and especially for those of us who were raised by narcissists. Thank you Jimmy.
my beautiful sweet daughter told me yesterday when I asked her "why is doing the best thing for you so painful" -- she said "it's like working out, it's going to hurt in the beginning, but you keep going and then you realize how good it is for you..."
I don’t particularly care about a diagnosis, correct. It literally hurts my body and mind to be in close connection to a person like that. I’m no longer willing to ignore what my system warning signals are telling me. This is a beautiful, beautiful message. You speak directly to so many of the things that happen in these relationships. So validating.
@@NewMe-iq5os of course that’s his narrative! Victim hood has to be the response from narc’s for the protection of their own deeply held core wounds. Staying strong by surrounding ourselves with love, acceptance, and personal forgiveness for ever allowing them in our lives is part of the healing journey where we start to not care what they say. Personally, working towards healing those unloved parts of myself that allowed me to attract and partner with a narcissist in the first place, is the epitome of self care and divine Love. Be good to you ✨✨
At 53 ive had an awakening from which I've discovered that I've been nothing more than a trained elephant my entire life 😮 The rage i felt when i realise this was enormous talk about being a trained elephant think about when one goes Rogue 😮 Yeah I was out for blood it took all the fibres in my body not to re-act. Well i kinda did emotionally at first but when that was meet with laughing and ridicule and belittling. I woke up to their game of pushing my buttons because that is what the narcissist wants you to do then they can say to others "oh look at the way she's behaving" to deflect their behaviour and hold you accountable for your Re-act to their Action😢 see how they play you😮 while they gloat that they've got away with what they've done. 😂 To them its all about gaslighting, malicious manipulation to keep you under their control 🎉a kinda tool for their needs 🎉and that's all you are😢 It's very soul destroying for you but they "don't care" to them its just a childish game of tit4 tat😂 Yet very dangerous so plan your departure very carefully don't tell anyone your plans to leave just remember to keep safe as these situations can end deadly . Some mindsets can turn to well "if i can't have you then no one can"..... Be safe😢watch out for flying monkeys 😅they can really blindside you😂🎉and stop your healing process 🤔
Jimmy!!! Oh my goodness I've asked so many brilliant RUclipsrs how to speak my boundaries with my covert narc mother, but never had any help. This is fantastic! Going to listen to this every morning until I've truly got it. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart! 68 years old and still terrified of the sweet Angel In Public that everyone else sees.
That's where consequences come in. When you set a boundary of course they'll be there to say "or else what?" You must be prepared to answer that question decisively and without hesitation.
Dealing with a narcissist can make one feel upset, confused, often even questioning, “Am I the narcissist? Am I the one being selfish?” But it is not selfish to have boundaries. It is not selfish to stand up for ourselves. It is not selfish to have self-love. There are many “experts” on RUclips that talk about narcissism. I come away from their videos thinking - what?! 😣🤷🏻♀️ But for me, you are the only one who is able to explain it and clarify it in a way that makes us truly understand the dynamic and how to best deal with the situation in a way that is healthy and finally brings us some peace. And you are right. It is exhausting dealing with them because they don’t want to put in any work, let alone think that they might be the problem. I’m tired of being told “they are just like that or just ignore them” or worse, “Do the same thing back to them”. Yes there is such a thing as giving them a taste of their own medicine. But at the end of the day, why would I want to behave the same way as a person whose behavior I find unacceptable? Thank you for bringing clarity and very helpful advice for dealing with such toxicity - narcissism.
Thank you, sincerely, for this video. I left the person controlling me. I'm dealing with my feelings and doing the work to heal. It's a long, ugly process, but I recognize the value in such work. I hope that someday I can recognize my inherent worth and value. Videos like this are so important to my process, a long with professional support. I encourage everyone in my position to just try to heal from the abuse they've suffered and know that we're not alone.
The problem is Narcissists have all the boundaries in the world. They will call you a narcissist when you are worked up so much and started to be animated and now they said you don’t respect their boundaries.
That's the oldest game in the world for a narc...ANYTHING you've ever said about them, or to help yourself, will be twisted, inverted, and used back against you.
I've been so anxious and stressed out lately because a narcissistic parent I cut off for years reached out to me recently. I've been feeling so defeated, but I feel better watching this. This made me tear up a bit. Thank you so much for these videos, Jimmy.
Learn to recognize them and RUN AWAY. They are worthless. Completely worthless. I've just watched a friend FINALLY take action after years of misery. Get out. I learned many years ago after wasting 3 years in a relationship. Unfortunately it still haunted me for some time. Boundaries. Hell yeah. Have them and do not go back on the boundaries. In the end, you must leave.
Well said., That person needs to experience the pain, shame, isolation as the fruit off their behaviors. Their behaviors were not my choices. That is my boundary. I refuse the pain.
Its funny but people actually learn by example. Setting boundaries is good. However, the person who is without respectful qualities.....well, how is that helpful to us if we dont at least try to demonstrate the proper approach to others. In short, we may be the only person to ever raise an issue in this persons entire life and how sad that is.
Just ended a Toxic Friendship, and Never thought of her as a Narcissists, but couldn't put my finger on it... ABSOLUTELY 100% COVERT!!! Narcissists 😲😳😲 This reads like a Script of my relationship! HUGE GRATITUDE!!! MASSIVE THANKS ❤🙏🏻
I have been in a marriage with a narcissist for decades. Boundaries are no longer necessary. Just leave. Easier said than done but if you stay you will lose all of you. Just Go!
Married to one till he passed 4 years ago. Educated myself, read everything I could lay my hands on. The best way to deal with them is to go no contact, do not argue with them, get on with your life within the marriage if you can’t leave meaning no money no where to go. Living my best life, I will stay on my own. I trust me and only me. I don’t want a relationship to define me. I’m still healing. Watching and learning. Free to be who I want to be. Finding me.
Wow! You have said a lot. I am screwed. I was raised by 2 narcissistic parents, sister, and only sibling is also a narcissist. I then married a narcissist. I don't know what it means to be cared about, loved. As a 50 yr women, I am tired. So tired. I have been sick for 4 months now, and it doesn't stop. Hemust doesn't stop. I had to walk away from my 'family' as I didn't have enough energy to hear from multiple people how horrible I am . My husband does an extremely good job every day. I will die sooner than later because I really can't take it anymore. Have no idea who I am. I just want it to stop. Just want to be accepted, loved and cared about.
I'm so sorry God Jesus is literally my best friend He adores you He has so many loving words for you in the bible Such as ...I have loved you with an everlasting love Such as God didn't give you a spirit of fear but he gave you a spirit of power love and a sound mind
I understand y completely 💙 I don't know a council I can give y to help..maybe a psychiatric skilled with NPD, or listen videos everyday how to get back the self-love and motivation from narcisistic abuse (listen to everyday, so you can feel validated and supported, and not forget)..start smth new in everyday life, some new routine for 15 min...disengage from the narcissists, if you can not eliminate their presence (do not share, do not engage, do not explain)...you need a different perspective.....I wish you mental and emotional strength to fight them and the false reality they imposed on yourself, and to heal....every sickness and illness passes when you end the relationship with a narcissist (I hope is not to late)🤞
I left a relationship like you are describing 24 years ago. This information is still hitting home for my self care and self talk. I also am ready to have compassion for his pain while no longer feeling responsible for fixing it. I am glad I saved myself and my child. It has really highlighted the diferences between that old relationship and my current one. Thank you so much!!!
It is so true what he says about.They are changing you into them.Because mine would just make me so insane that I seem crazier than him and that's exactly what he wanted
I grew up with a very emotionally abusive manipulative textbook narcissist mom that I also suspect has legitimate borderline personality disorder and as a young child I inherently knew that the ONLY way I could get her love was to agree with her off the wall behaviors and coddle her needs in order to be in her protective bubble. When I became a teenager and the abuse ramped up because I stopped acting that way towards her, I was casted out completely and thrown away. The only way to "win" a narcissists' shallow love and acceptance is to literally cater to their delusions. They dont respond to anything else. But its always going to be a one-sided relationship and you will always end up being the one that gets hurt. Its not worth it. Boundaries, gray rocking, and not letting them know personal details about your life for them to exploit is the only healthy way to keep them at an arms length distance and protect yourself if you absolutely cannot remove them from your life altogether.
I’m surprised and very happy to see others see the true colors of their narc parents .. but also sad and frustrated to see my own husband being blinded to this truth that his mother is and has been a narcissist all his life and he actually enables her/carers to her selfish wants and expectations of him .. I don’t know if it’s fear or just all the brainwashing she has done to him over the years .. like I point out something she does that’s controlling or breaking boudaries and he doesn’t say anything or defend her at times.. but I do pray and hope all the victims of these narc parents to see the truth and be set free.
And those techniques are important to learn, because parents should not be readily discarded like a boyfriend of spouse in a failing marriage. Find a way for limited contact out of respect for the fact that they are indeed your parents.
I learned I do not need to label anyone except for trying to understand how I got myself into the mess I did. In the beginning everything I shared about myself was met with: “me too!!!!! Until we were married. As if a light switch went off his masks fell away and I began to see his truth. I am now safe from him, Physically. Emotionally. Financially. I am glad to be creating habits of peaceful living again. So. Very. Grateful. For. Clarity! Your content is quite helpful, Thankyou Thankyou! ✨💖✨
Two months ago, I told my husband that I do not feel safe with him: Physically, Emotionally, and Financially. He just looked at me!!!! He said nothing! 😢
Thank you. I got so sick of everyone telling me I should, "try communicating". Oh! You don't say?! Wow, THANK YOU. I NEVER thought of that! In all of twenty years it never occurred to me to try communicating.
A relationship with a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic personality style) is NOT a relationship. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we can stop losing our time "trying to make it work" and we can start on our healing journey. @Narc101
I listened to every second of this 20:42 video and I'm starting to believe I have a narcissist as a partner. Thank you SO MUCH for your advise and insight. I feel some relief, in a way, but also quite sad in that my relationship of 17 years has possibly been unnecessarily difficult, and unforgiving (except for my son, who is the light of my life). I can attest to the issues involved in being a victim to narcissism, but its VERY difficult to identify and (avoid?) the behavior. If you can, GET OUT of such a relationship as quickly as possible and avoid long term issues.
This was good. Thank you. I'm going through this now with someone i was getting to know for almost 6 months however I've stood up for myself several times in a span of almost 6 months. The only problem is me being empathetic and understanding of their childhood trauma. I walked away because i was finally tired of the gaslighting, triangulation, belittling me and invalidating my feelings. I'm disappointed in myself that I stuck around and tolerated this behavior for almost 6 months with my time, energy and attention but at least it wasn't 6 year's.
If narcissists are so bad, then why are WE the ones that are isolated? They seem to get on with everyone in the family who all seem to accept them fully, even love them fully, but they dont accept the one who exposes the abusive narc. Just doesnt make sense to me 🤔
The woman narcissist in my life cane in as a co- caregiver of my daughter. I immediately became her target, her enemy, and she made my life a living hell! There was NOTHING good or positive about this woman! I didn't know there were people like that in the world! As for the label, this woman was NPD with sociopathy. She was also a psychopath.. My ex husband was FULL of narcissism! He was a total mean tyrant.. Yet, he was capable of love and empathy at times. If someone close to him was crying, he wouldn't know what to do, but it would make him cry too. He was narcissistic in most of his actions. But he was not a narcissist.
@@cookiemama4 That is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness. Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed. Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it. You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
That seems like a comment a "narcissistic" person might make. It does seem the term "narcissist" has become somewhat overused in current society. Is there some relevance to the increased use of the terminology? It appears the percentage of the population that are genuine narcissists has been increasing, or at least more people exhibiting the related traits seem to be "out and proud." Videos like this one are valuable in education, increasing awareness and understanding of self-centered or selfish behavior and related disorders. Understanding how a person can and should interact with someone who constantly exhibits the associated personality traits seems essential. In some contexts, applying the “duck test” as a form of abductive reasoning is prudent. Abductive Reasoning: Definition: Abductive reasoning is a type of reasoning that involves making an inference to the best explanation or hypothesis based on incomplete or limited information. Unlike deductive reasoning, which starts with a general principle and applies it to specific cases, or inductive reasoning, which starts with specific observations and seeks to identify patterns or generalizations, abductive reasoning starts with incomplete data and seeks to determine the most plausible explanation for that data. Steps in Abductive Reasoning: Abductive reasoning involves several steps in arriving at a plausible explanation for a given set of facts or observations. The steps may include the following: • Observation of data: This is the first step in the process of abductive reasoning. The observer or reasoner observes and collects data from the available sources. • Identification of pattern: In this step, the reasoner looks for patterns or regularities in the data. This involves looking for similarities or differences between the data and other known facts or observations. • Generation of hypotheses: Based on the observed patterns, the reasoner generates a set of plausible hypotheses or explanations that could account for the observed data. • Testing of hypotheses: The reasoner then tests the hypotheses against further observations or data. This may involve gathering new data, conducting experiments, or analyzing existing data. • Evaluation of the best hypothesis: The reasoner evaluates each hypothesis based on its ability to explain the observed data and other relevant criteria, such as simplicity, coherence, and consistency with other known facts or theories. The reasoner selects the most plausible hypothesis as the best explanation for the observed data. • Refinement of the explanation: The reasoner refines the explanation based on further observations or data. This may involve modifying or discarding the original hypothesis or generating new hypotheses that better account for the data. • Conclusion: Finally, the reasoner draws a conclusion based on the best explanation that fits the observed data and can be used to make predictions or guide further investigation This is its usual expression: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. The test implies that a person can identify an unknown subject by observing that subject's habitual characteristics. It is sometimes used to counter abstruse arguments that something is not what it appears to be. Understanding and awareness are key for anyone who has encountered behavior anywhere along the spectrum of this personality disorder. If it looks like a narcissist, behaves like a narcissist, and speaks like a narcissist, then it probably is a narcissist. This may empower individuals to recognize what they are dealing with, protect themselves, and address inappropriate behavior. It may also teach them how to shut down a person who behaves this way and potentially avoid or minimize interactions with people like this when possible.
@@cookiemama4 It seems like my comment may have been deleted so I’m reposting it. But anyway, that is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness. Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed. Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it. You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
I am 60. Married for 27 years. Most of the time I stayed at home, taking care for my daughter and my husband, house renovations, doing accounting for his business. Working hard all my life without the paycheck. The years I worked did not add up to any pension, as I followed him when he got the contract in US, witch left me with no work permit. Now I am in the situation where I don't have means to go on my own. How to survive in this situation? He controls all the money. 7 years ago we moved to Central America, no friends, no family, no safe circle to go to. There are many talks about leaving the narcissist. No talk about how to stay and survive. Is it possible at all? If I knew, what I know now, I would do things differently. But there was always excuse for him, stress, work, etc. He was bread winner for our family. Now, when he is retired, we live in a beautiful place, and his behavior is at his worst. At 60 I am stack with the regrets, with 0 perspective for changing my situation. We are living in this beautiful place, and I wonder every morning why I wake up, and what for. What is the sense and purpose of my existence.
I can attest to all of this. I am in a 52 year relationship with one. It took me a long time to become myself, to not subsume myself to his needs. It took me a long time to be able to not hear the names I was called and eventually came to believe. I walk a different path now. It took me a couple of years of therapy and some anti-depressants, but I see light at the end of the tunnel.
the moment you love yourself, they dissapear.
I am at a point where they attack me everywhere I go. They target me on the spot and start mistreating me in public. The people fall for his/ her manipulation and false narrative of me. They all turn against me. How can I stop the narc turning everyone against me and making me leave defeated and broken?
Truly!🤗💝
Learned that recently. It’s been 4 months after getting blocked by a narcissist after I said that I enjoy my life and that I am comfortable with my own skin despite what people say.
@@christianramirez6718 wonderful !! thanks for sharing, go live your best life !!
💯
Narcissists are predators. They hunt and prey on the genuinely decent, good, and kind.
Had a guy recently tell me my heart was so pure, idk y at the moment my 📡 went up. Because in the same breath he said don't ever let Noone see you cry. The conversation was about my mother! Then I said, "Not even you huh, got it !!
@@caughtnwebb4819RUN! Avoid at all cost.
Go non-contact now, while you can!! Trust yourself. What you sensed was a narcissist. They hide well, until they can’t anymore. Again, RUN!
I think so yeah..
I gave up everything for my husband and he didn't even pick up my calls for 50 days (went to stay with his parents). When I visited him and begged him for humane behavior, he told me women have done far more for men and I've maybe made only 1% of the efforts I should have. He said this sitting at his bed next to his parents, yelling at me, and btw did I mention we were living separately because he emotionally, physically and mentally abused me for 6 months of marriage. Got married in 2023. Getting divorced in 2024. Also this is his second marriage and the first wife also suffered the same. He's fucking 34. THEY NEVER LEARN. THEY'RE NOT HUMAN. RUN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, PLEASE.
Some are possessed. You’re not even dealing with them but the demon inside them. I’ve seen those demonic eyes
If someone ignites you to the point where YOU react like a maniac, give yourself permission to walk away before you become a shell of yourself.
Deeply true.
@@bitcoinbelle to my regret, I learned that hard way.
Well said!
Or before you have a heart attack
My ex wife. Her previous husband committed suicide. She made me feel crazy. I wasn’t. I was a successful Army Officer. She once said, “By the time I’m finished with you you’ll be a bus driver.” I finally filed for divorce. Her abuse increased but she still wanted to be intimate. Then I placed a restraining order on her. It took me a couple years to get back to normal. Met my now wife, been married 12 years without the first argument since our first date.
For a people pleaser, setting boundaries hurts. But not setting boundaries hurts worse
True
Not just a people pleaser, but even a people-thank-you-er
@@Irondragon1945wow, this is me ! Great comment
YUP
So true
Narcissists provoke their partners into yelling and calling names, and then smugly walk away as the victims who must hold to their boundaries.
Exactly 🎯
Yes they gaslight trample all over your boundaries until you get to the point where you lash out then it’s you who’s unhealthy 😂
Ok see this is what happens I’m not normally argumentative. But I’ve put up with so much from my husband I’ve come to this. It’s frustrating. He tells me he’s doing boundaries even though he’s been cheating and lying. Hiding things that in a marriage shouldn’t be hidden. It makes my head just want to explode.
@@monicacox8100
He is gaslighting you
Walk away, you deserve better
This is called REACTIVE ABUSE.
My Mom took care of my narc Dad for 65 years. The one night she needed him to call 911, he did not. She died 15 minutes before I got there. They don't care. They won't change. Get out, don't waste your life for them. NOTHING works with them. 😢
❤ I’m so sorry.
Brutal. I’m so sorry, that must have broken your heart. Sending you hugs and hopes for peace of mind. ❤
My two eldest siblings sister a sociopathic narcissist and brother covert and religious narcissist.. Absolutely destroyed my parents and then stole everything they ever had including there wedding rings.. I hate them
I crashed on a motorcycle. She left on a trip the next day after I asked to come with….. so she could help bandage me
Go figure.
And sorry for the loss and situation.
The horror stories we can share…I am so sorry for your loss ❤
Loved the sentence “you are not asking to much, you are just asking the wrong person”. Thank you for that insight!
💯💚
True❤
Such a deep line... "You realize you're not asking for much, you're just asking the wrong person." 😢
My elderly relative just lost her grandiose narcissistic husband and moved in with me. The amount of unnecessary apologizing she does to me breaks my heart.
This is my nephews and nieces…and it used to be me. Apologizing for anything and everything, even daring to exist. 😔
maybe she's just nice
Yes, that is how all victims are. Apologizing for everything even existing. They broke them to the control!
@uuuultra apologizing is actually known as a reflex of people around narcissistic individuals. The " apology reflex". It is a sign of being abused, whether physical, verbal, or emotional.
@@uuuultra'nice' people don't feel the need to apologise all the time. People pleasers and traumatised people walking on egg shells overly apologise
Left my narcissist husband yesterday. I’ve watched this video 3 times so far. When you are so traumatized and damaged by their abuse, it’s easy to blame yourself and you need to know you have value. Thank you Jimmy. This video is literally a god send to my life right now. It’s all true and i have to go no contact for my self preservation. Thank you for the validation and understanding that i have wished and waited for and never received the entire time i knew this man. God bless you and your family.❤
Especially when the abuse is not physical. I actually think so e refrain from physical abuse bc they are cowards, more so
You mention parents. ...if you are going to call out parents and partners, you should also include adult children and friends. Otherwise, this sounds a bit one-sided, like only parents and partners can be toxic. There are many different relationships that can be with one person being self centered, toxic and create confusion and chaos for others. Some, like friends and partners can be released, however, it is much different and difficult with adult children and parents.
@@LauraB-jf9sfThank you, Laura. My adult daughter acts exactly like her narcissistic father, whom I divorced, when she was 2…to protect her.
Lots of therapy for her, pouring love and care and support into her little self, into her development…but the repeated abandonment and toxic gaslighting by her father, at pivotal points in her development, have taken hold of her. I am finally accepting that she will not outgrow her abusive behavior toward me. And it is heartbreaking.
My son is not like this. We both have tried and tried to get through to her. But she refuses to self-reflect or take any accountability. So painful……..
Sending hugs…🩷❤️🧡
Congratulations! I’m so very happy for you. You probably still have work to do on yourself, but you can do that now. I left mine two years ago and I’m still working through things.
Don't waste one second of your time on a narcissist. They are the most insidious, vindictive, untrustworthy, cruel people. Go no contact and never look back. Don't let them destroy you.
This cannot be said loudly enough. They wont change and they dont give a shit about you. Judge a relationship by the BAD moments, not the good ones. Theyre all fake and taylored anyway.
Hurt People Hurt People they are still a child of God and He loves them and you might be the only person that ever prays for them and shows them the love of God... Bless those that curse you I pray God's richest blessings on you and that He heals your heart ❤️
Pray for them from a distance.
Run like hell from them. Period.
They don't change.
They don't improve.
And one day they may try to murder you as my ex had attempted.
@@Janderra While I respect everyone's religious beliefs and freedoms, I could never, ever pray for anything good for my ex. He is pure evil, and not even divine intervention could save him. If Jesus showed up in front of his face and told him how to be a good person and redeem himself, he would fake it only until Jesus went away. Then he would immediately start scheming how to hurt his current supply. Some people cannot be helped. Some people are just pure evil.
@@brainfartthunderz Dr. Ramani calls recalling the good memories with a narcsissist, "euphoric recall". Dr. Sam Vaknin calls any delusional hope you have for the narcissist, "malignant optimism".
Narcs are extremely emotionally immature
Exactly 💯
Dr. Sam Vaknin says that narcissists have the emotional maturity of a 4-year-old. We get frustrated because we think or hope they have the emotional maturity of an adult. We need to rewire our brains and interact with them as we would with a child, setting firm boundaries but without empathy, kindness and compassion, which will be exploited and weaponized against you.
@@v9b23jhe's including himself, of course
@@jaklumen Yes, he is (self aware).
As a narc I disagree. I don't think sweeping generalisations and unpersoning anyone you can label 'narcissist' is productive, healthy or even sane, let alone mature. It's disturbing and dangerous. Empaths, man... Mob mentality
They disappear when they know they no longer have the power to hurt you.
I liked this. gonna think of this.
(distanced 1,5year from my covert narcissist mother)
isn't it fabulous though? ;)
Exactly..
Would love to distance completely from my narc daughter but it only works for our family to find boundaries with her.
@Sara76779 She will blame you for every problem she ever has her entire life. My rotten sister destroyed my parents especially my mother.. Don't ever take blame for what your daughter has become.
Never try to have any kind of a relationship with a narcissist. If you’re already in a relationship with a narcissist leave… now! RUN! That’s all.
IKR!? This dude is still gaslit. 🔥 sorry about that
I agree. My therapist told me once after she had a one on one session with my ex “run far and run fast”. Did I listen? No, I stayed for 6 more months of torture. 🤦♀️ They don’t care and they just don’t have much to give back.
My 12 and half years old daughter is a narcissistic psychopath horrible human being 😔
@@niviamaevaHow?
@@niviamaevaI’m sorry to hear that. 😞🙏
Do not ever go to marriage counseling with a Narcissist or an abuser. This will only cause further trauma to you.
So why so much focus on narcissism these days? Are we having more encounters with narcissistic individuals? What's the root cause in the increase of narcissistic behavior?
I think it’s just evolution. people are speaking about a lot of things that have gone on for centuries now and in different periods of time excessively. One thing that causes an uptick in today’s day and age.. is social media. (Fantasy world) it’s easier to do that with social media and dating sites. It’s the advancement of technology.
It’s also social media that has allowed the message to spread rapidly. We have the knowledge now and warp speed technology to spread it.
They did not many, many, years ago.
Absolutely true
@@midoriusagi432
Demons are increasing their influence. The Bible says satan knows he has a short time.
They tend to act like angels and like whatever you’re accusing them of- it never happened- so you left to either be quiet and let it go or insist in front of the counselor that this person is not telling the truth while that other person paint you as a crazy person that’s over exaggerating everything.
It makes you wanna videotape things, but then I have some moral hangup about that because it’s hard to know when things are going to break out the fight and order for it to look unbiased and a fair evaluation. I feel like it needs to be at the beginning before things heat up into a bad fight.
I’m tired of my spouse, not remembering how abusive their words were a year ago just because they weren’t videotape and no one was there to see it but our kids and God.
M friends end up seeing some of it leaking through when they started spending time with us.
He got better once I actually started looking into how to separate and get the kids with us a break.
He’s taking everything seriously and so far is the longest stretch I’ve seen of things getting better … we are going on months now… I’m hoping and and praying that he actually has seen the truth and been slapped with reality realizing that I’m not gonna stay if he continues.
"Nobody protected you during childhood." That cut DEEP. 😰
I now realised for the first time that nobody protected me or listened to me during childhood.😢 I kept everything bottled up.
To hear this from a stranger is strangely liberating and upsetting at the same time; it made me cry.😭 I could feel my pent-up emotions being released from my chest, a heavy burden being unloaded.
Yes
Yes 💯
Someone I was very close to, was abused constantly by their mom's narcissistic behavior, and their father didn't protect them :(
Now work on loving your wounded inner child ❤️🩹
@@caroleminke6116 I don't know how to love myself as I have low self-esteem...💓😥This also made me the perfect target for narcissists...😰
We don't owe anybody a relationship. Not even to an (abusive) parent.
The abusive parents unfortunately know they can get away with it potentially forever
🎯
Nailed it!
I needed to hear this!
Thanks for the validation
You’re not asking for too much you’re just asking the wrong person
Narcissist get hurt no matter what you say. You can tell them “you left the front door unlocked“ and they will turn it into a barrage of insults. So you can have boundaries with the narcissist, but you can never ever mention anything that you need in a relationship. Because they will feel like somehow they’ve failed. And their world will be shattered. And they’ll come out swinging with verbal insults. The hard part with narcissist, is that even if you do apologize, they don’t hear you. And will remember every small thing you said to them or request you made. And they will overlook all the insults they piled on you. And then when it’s time to apologize, they won’t they’ll say things like. “well that’s how I felt at the time. And “or “you didn’t understand me.”and if you catch onto that, and you ask them to clarify what they’re talking about they might say something like “I don’t need to clarify anything for you.” It’s a complete circular argument that is not winnable. And honestly, the other person in the couple is not trying to win, they’re trying to understand and fight for a relationship.
Well said!!
Dead on tried to fight for a relationship for 20 years.
@@lijohnyoutube101
Sigh. Still trying here. Trying to crack an uncrackable code. 😢
I call it ‘The Twilight Zone.’ Nothing is as it should be in normal communication, it’s a house of mirrors... It’s like trying to pin jello to the wall; impossible. Simply don’t try. You are arguing with a mental illness in the guise of a human being. All it will do is make you crazy. And as you do, it just feeds their sense of control and superiority. Don’t feed the Beast! Go silent: don’t defend yourself, don’t explain, don’t justify. Simply turn on your heels, and walk away. Nothing you say is valid to them: YOU as a human are INVALID. Understand this: you can NEVER have a real relationship with a narcissist; it’s impossible.
Same man. @@lsrani3207
NEVER engage with a narcissist. You might as well hug a land mine.
Incredibly well put-so true
Ok. Well I’ll sit inside then as we’ve all felt plenty with narcs / clutter B going through life.
I think you mean in a romantic relationship? Well if that’s the case that’s like saying never pick the wrong partner which I think none of us here married our high school gf/bf. I mean no one walks into a date thinking of signing up for a narcissist …. We have codependency/ childhood trauma. They ( cluster B ) has a 6th sense for weak people and sniff them out and latch tot he ones they can control And use and abuse.
I’m
Not sure why you put the emphasis on never getting into a relationship with them when it’s pretty unavoidable to people who childhood wounding / codependency/ people pleasing / fawning response. The better then to ask is for people to go get therapy. Read books. Work on themselves so it doesn’t happen again and again and again….
Ok. Well I’ll sit inside then as we’ve all felt plenty with narcs / clutter B going through life.
I think you mean in a romantic relationship? Well if that’s the case that’s like saying never pick the wrong partner which I think none of us here married our high school gf/bf. I mean no one walks into a date thinking of signing up for a narcissist …. We have codependency/ childhood trauma. They ( cluster B ) has a 6th sense for weak people and sniff them out and latch tot he ones they can control And use and abuse.
I’m
Not sure why you put the emphasis on never getting into a relationship with them when it’s pretty unavoidable to people who childhood wounding / codependency/ people pleasing / fawning response. The better then to ask is for people to go get therapy. Read books. Work on themselves so it doesn’t happen again and again and again….
@ssing7113
That's exactly what Jimmy said here.. Get into therapy to help you get through this..
I'm amazed at how a narcissist can be so manipulative and so good at their torment, that they can take a good hearted, happy, loving, free person, and turn them into a person who loses peace and joy and twisted their brain! They are also able to so manipulate the friends and family members, but is able to turn the truth into a lie, and make these family members take sides against the one whom they've known all their lives, and who would never harm or lie about a single soul!
That sounds like the Bible description of the devil!
Get away, and be happy and free again!
🍃🌺🍃
LOL well put! 😂
“A boundary is something you set for yourself.” True. Don’t expect a narcissist to respect your boundaries.
"They cut themselves out of your life" - those were some powerful words and so true!!!
The fact is, they didn't give you a choice. So you should feel absolutely no guilt in deciding to close the door and lock them out for good.
This is the sad truth. And in fact that itself is another manipulation and gaslighting tactic itself.
So when the empath can FULLY understand this is the truth, it’s freeing to be able to move forward and know you don’t owe them anything.
The truth is freeing.
This is very true.
That really ran strong through me too.
This happened to me. They'll give options that seem you have no choice but to do what they want. It's always accordance to their plan. It's just so sad that it'll take years for you to know everything.
"Close the door and lock them out forever " isn't that bit narcissistic? As I read peoples comments on this subject, maybe the victim of a narcissist doesn't know how to live healthy,, period. Do they go from victim to victim situation and they are their own cycle? I ask this with all sincerity. For decades, I lived a completely separate life from a narcissist. But remained very involved, for one reason only: love. I had no book. The definition of narcissism didn't exist to most people. Many times, in the privacy of my own home, I would want to quit, walk away. But Love kept me. It preserved my mind and who I was. So I remained involved to also reach out to those who couldn't defend themselves and so desperately needed validation and love. Finally, a break through! Death almost became this narcissist. And just like that, Love touched this narcissist because they only faced death's final reality. Nothing else worked previously. But oh! This narcissist had a recollection of a life long Love. Even though years lost, the Love gained for the few years forward is so worth it! So sweet and so worth it. Disclosure: I was not capable of such a great Love, but I was willing. Therefore, I believe in my experience, Love came down to me and taught me the right way to love unlovable acting peoples. To separate the unlovable acts from the person. I learned it was Love that taught me not to accept unlovable acts of narcissism. I guess, I could write a book, with the decades of this experience. Maybe it would help parents of narcissistic children. I don't see much on that subject. I believe the experience feels similar to a child dying to the parent. Though, of course not so final, but still the same level of pain. Sorry for such a long exploration/query on this vast subject. I would like or hope to see more from others who came to the other side of narcissism. I believe there are many like me, who see what I've seen. Yes, it is hard to watch the unfortunate consequences of narcissism. But there is still hope for all who's soul was touched by narcissism. I believe this is because there is a Love greater than narcissism. ❤😊
This guy is too nice. Here is what works. Telling them to fuck off, and walking away.
Yes, yes, and yes!!
Based on my experience telling these people that only validates everything as your problem in their eyes
Say: "talk to the lawyer not me"
@@BrianKlumkeryeah ok. Be nice and get walked on then
Better yet, give them no access to any of your feelings. They get off on making you mad. Love me; hate me, but don’t ignore me. Being told to eff off is rewarding to them. Now that’s effed up!
The ONLY thing that works with a narcissist is to DISENGAGE a d WALK AWAY without looking back.
Not me still being borderline stalked by my narcissistic Mother 13 years after escaping from her. 😩
I would not go to therapy with a narcissist.
Blunt force trauma often works, but usually not worth the hassle. So yeah, go your own way, and don’t look back as they are incapable of chsnger
When we know our own self-worth and honor it, we don't give a second chance to those who don't respect us.
Self worth and self respect are what I hold extremely valuable.
Dang I needed to hear this
So true!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
The only thing that works with a narcissist is agreeing to fit into the box they have made for you. Give them constant attention and forget yourself and having your own opinions or wants
So true!
Yes. I have learned this over my 24 years of marriage. I'm exhausted. 😔
Even that wouldn't work. It might keep peace, but they still would not be happy.
Exactly. Nothing makes them happy. Even themselves don't know what would make them happy! They are so pathetic.
And it's so sad and ironic that we get into that box willingly, because we feel like we can help them finally understand they are deserving of our love. When in reality, the longer we are in that box, the more they prove they are undeserving.
I lesrned how to set boundaries in my 40s and I was left alone because noone wanted to accept them, above all my family. It was hard sering the more my self esteem increase, the more apart i felt.
After that I started again from zero. New boundaries, new people. Now I'm so happy and I feel brave and I have people aroumd me who are happy to respect me and enjoy my company.
I am 40 and going thru this same thing - thank you for posting your inspiration and reassurance that it will be worth it --- my beautiful sweet daughter told me yesterday when I asked her "why is doing the best thing for you so painful" -- she said "it's like working out, it's going to hurt in the beginning, but you keep going and then you realize how good it is for you..." wow! I needed that --- keep going too
I'm in late 20s, reading ur comment is so comforting and empowering. Ki da feel hopeful, thanks ❤
Thanks for sharing. I have been experiencing the same and thought the problem much be me. I just have to be patient and continue to honor myself.
Bravo! My husband & I are very much "set apart" because we choose to set & keep boundaries that are healthy & firm with almost everyone in our family. We choose NOT to do the very enmeshed everyone-has-to-know-every-single-thing-about everyone-else-every-waking-minute on Facebook, nor habitual message passing - instead of using mature communication (1 to 1) from the person who is actually responsible for communicating specific info. We stay out of codependecy (= helping others under-function &/or rewarding them for it). We don't use drugs, & we work to genuinely live our Faith. It's sad to have so much family that do not honor boundaries & are awash in so much enmeshment, a controlling minset, & more. But it's proved 100% worth it for us to stay out of all of that mess & have the peace of Christ & keep following Him. I think the process of being set apart is called "sanctification."
Leaving for 30 minutes is just GIVING them MORE time for them to conjur more lies. Your skits are spot on. But, you have what appears to be a logical resolution. There are fake resolutions all the time and the cycle and patterns resume and repeat, except the behaviours become more covert and hurtful. The skits are funny, but I know that there is NO change just manipulation and gaslighting.😂
Husband has made me week and sick. You are soo right. Thank you very much. Boundaries..he loves crossing boundaries...he gets high off his abuse..
That’s no man at all. That is a coward who exists to control you for his own amusement and self aggrandizement, not a husband. Be careful if/when you cut ties.
Narcissists are stingy as hell with their money omg!!!!
That’s definitely a common trait with these people. 👍
Certainly a mechanism of control in a relationship
My NM would sit on the couch and she had a list of her assets that she looked at all the times for reassurance. My parents would not give me a thing. Once I was done school it was time for me to get out. I moved away and now live a continent away, yet the damage is still inside of me. I will face my mother one more time as she is getting close to passing. It’ll be hi and bye.
My mother is 94 yrs old. She has told all her children until they died "the only reason I had children was so they would take care of ME!"
Only two of us left, one has disowned her many times and moved out of state to free herself of her abuse. I'm all she has left (narcissists don't have friends) and the abuse is almost daily. She is angry we left home, got jobs, have spouses, children, animals, homes, friends, obligations, "how dare we!"
Narcissist is not overused.
Not telling you what to do but you can put her in a nursing home. You don't owe it to her to take care of her especially at the expense of your emotional and mental health. Almost two years ago after my dad's, 10 years older than him wife of 2 years died, he sold her property fast, called me, told me he sold the "farm" for x amount, saying, "how about I come up there and move in with you?". I was caught off guard and nearly went into panic mode but quickly and firmly said, "No!".
narcs are good as hell it took 25 years and a 4 month relationship with a narc to understand that my mother and grandmother is a narc
If it were me I would put her in a home or simply leave her. Because otherwise I risk becoming a narc myself, with endless mileage to the story of how I made such a sacrifice to take care of my mother when all my other siblings had left.
I don't think the term is overused either. I think families are waking up. Substance abuse creates the same symptoms, and they're willing to admit that almost all American families have at least one addict, now. Dysfunctional is dysfunctional.
@@PaigeSquared yes substance abuse creates traits of narcissism into your personality. i have seen this from very close ! also mental abuse can create narcissism, as against as i was about it before, i think abuse can create an abuser
Label behaviors as narcissistic instead of people. You aren't rejecting the person. You are rejecting those chosen behaviors and those chosen values. Those become your boundaries and they exist for everyone.
This comment is so underrated!
🙌
That's so naive. Narcissists ARE their behavior. Narcissism is a very fixed disorder that destroys nearly everyone they come into contact with. They will destroy you emotionally, financially, physically and mentally because it's their nature.
They aren't chosen behaviors. Narcissistic personality *disorder*.
Yes yes!!! I like this concept A LOT!!!! Will do!!!💗💗💗💗Well said!!🩷🩷🩷
Leave...the only thing to do is leave quietly...
100%. If you have children with them, DO NOT TELL THEM YOU ARE LEAVING. File for divorce before you ever reveal your intentions, then leave quietly, or request that they leave.
@@jammasterjay Even if not. We had no children together. I lived through hell with him.
@@ThePeacefulsunshine I’m sure! They’re a different breed, and they’re surgical in what they do.
I’m out, but have a kid with my ex. My counselor told me something that really sums it up. She told me that I’m not divorced FROM my ex-wife, I’m divorced TO her.
Yes, I did that!
@@ThePeacefulsunshine agreed, but I chose to leave very noisily & publicly. Shaming them to hell & back to hell again. Some animals bite back. I'm THAT kind of animal. 💯👍🏽
My oldest son is a narcissist/addict and it has been a heart breaking ordeal to set boundaries and let go. It got to a point that it was making me physically and mentally ill. My youngest son finally had to remind me that he was my son too and did not want to end up as an orphan bc his brother was slowly killing me. It was a wake up call for sure. I had tried everything w my oldest and it kept escalating over about 15 years. Thank you for this video. ❤
Are you sure you're not the narcissist and he's the scapegoat?
He sounds like the scapegoat actually
@@aaronschmidt9753 how so?
@@lindalinda9441really looks a bit strange, to say your child is a toxic person... Because you are the one teaching him...
Maybe talk to a person, you can trust with questions of relationships. ❤
@@MoniqueSommer he is toxic due the the abuse of drugs and alcohol.. am I missing something here? I didn’t raise him to do drugs. I don’t do drugs, nor did I raise him to be a drinker because I don’t drink either… his substance abuse makes him toxic. When he’s not on them, he’s a great person. I think that’s why I’m confused. I don’t feel he’s scapegoat. I feel he has a substance-abuse problem… that was the point of me asking how someone thought I was using him as a scapegoat and that I might be narcissistic. I love my son in spite of everything. But it is very difficult on our family. And I appreciate it the video because it did help me a bit.
15:48 “Not because they don’t love this person, but this person has no capacity to love me back” That is exactly how I feel.
Going to counseling with a narcissist is the WORST thing you can do! They will ALWAYS play the victim card, make YOU look like the villain, and manipulate the counselor into taking their side against you.
Yep
I did one session and it was so traumatic
They are protecting their public image, they not interested in working towards a healthy relationship.
The narcissist always blame someone else for the horrible things they have done. And a lot of these narcissist abuse councilors feed into the narcissist lies.
It happened to me , you were so correct 👍
I do not know, maybe it depends on the shrink. I went to mine (he had been listening to my side of the story for months) and he 'disassembled' the guy with a few straightforward questions not buying into his 'it-is-all-her-to-blame' stuff. So maybe try going to a shrink who knows you who works with couples, too.
Leaving. Leaving is the ONLY thing that works with a narc. Go no contact and DO NOT let them know in advance. Boundaries will not work, because they do not respect your boundaries.
What if he wouldn't leave my house?
Mine did the same. He was willing to read books with me and create guidelines and guardrails for conflict. He even wanted to write a book about it. But I guess we forgot to put the part about “not invalidating, not dismissing, not gaslighting, not lying, not denying someone basic human rights of being treated with respect”, so yeah. That didn’t work at all. And I had a very difficult time staying emotionally regulated around him. Normally I am calm and can be reasonable but it was like being thrown into a fire expecting to have no reaction. Pretty difficult. My nervous system was getting wrecked and totally drained.
Ugh I’m starting to see that
Not me still being borderline stalked by my narcissistic "Mother" 23 years later 😩
🎉Yes! I cutted my toxic dangerous sister, about 3 years not seeing her! But still scaring because anarssitic and psychopaths can do anything bad to.... They are always thinking about thier victims or those they hate, how to destroy their life, they don't want u to live! They want to kill u.... Everything
This made me cry, a lot. I realized I was not truly loved by the man I was married to for 27 years. Anything I brought up was the problem and anything I wanted or needed was the problem. "Everything should just be fine" or "I shouldn't have to do that" are phrases I heard a lot. I am still struggling everyday to heal from the trauma and loss of my life and who I became as a result of all of it.
I’m so sorry
But yeah I understand it’s been 29 1/2 years for me…
Still stuck and still crying
@@Electric-Bird-Set-Free
Know that you are not alone. I remember the moment it dawned on me that after nearly 20 years, three children and moving 1,200 miles from my home, family and friends, I realized they never loved or cared at all about me. My parents and brother have passed away and I literally lost my family. My daughters didn’t want to live where I grew up, so I’m still living far from who is left of my family. He really ruined my life. He’s remarried the third time since me. He started flouncing women around me immediately after the separation (even before the divorce) and it was as if he didn’t even recognize me or know who I was. NPD is very very evil. It’s hard for normal people to wrap your thinking around it.
I'm sorry for what you've endured. Stay strong! Awareness and knowing now what you know now is power. I wish you peace today and going forward 🧡
Do you know the creator of all? His Name is JESUS. I found Him in His Word- the Bible. He changed my life. I pray for you. Take care. You are precious and valuable to your creator and FATHER in heaven.
Sometimes a narcissist is a friend who never asks you how you are and always just talks about themselves. You might still love them, but you have to walk away just to get “air”. 😢😢😢
So not a true friend....
Sooo sad having friends like these.
Yes 👏🏻👏🏻
@@chrisjoy2911 yes, you are probably right, but knowing they are so blind about themselves and you happen to care about them is rough. I guess I could just not care, but somehow I see some good in the person and haven’t given up. Although I think to be married to a narcissist, must be a nightmare. 😟
Not true...narcissists are social creatures & they know how to act nice with you in public to gain people's approval. In private, they only think about themselves.
The irony is that narcissists resist and don't honor your boundaries.
NEVER Apologize to a narcissist.
So true. They will see it as weakness and turn it against you.
give them the apology type they give you?
100%. Apologies are for people you can actually trust and repair things with. Not a narcissist.
What happens when you apologize?
You can give a back handed apology like they do!!
"You aren't asking for too much. Probably just asking the wrong person" THIS!
Word of warning that some counselors are narcissists themselves. I've had three. If you're in marriage counseling and something doesn't feel right, don't ignore it. Just because they're professionals doesn't mean they're normal people
That is so true. My mother is a psychologist with multiple degrees in various fields of therapy and she is still a narcissist, who broke my arm when i was in 5th grade because of something to do with chores. But i still think she is a great phychologist in certain fields.
So yeah, its good to be aware of those people
They go into the profession because not normal is their tribe! So many are down right Cluster B🎭
Or skilled. Truth
True story! Many counselors at the very least are unhealed & at the worst sociopathic. I had one of the latter. It was a nightmare. 😫
So so true, and thank you for being, I think, the only one to make such a comment.
My narc brother who was an architect retrained as a relationship therapist, qualified up to the eyeballs, but absolutely cold, feelingless, manipulative and the last person you would want to share any emotional information with. He is also mildly autisitic.
He has only been in practice a few years and is already on the brink of financial ruin, as nobody goes back after a few sessions.
I sometimes wonder how many people he has caused further hurt and emotional pain to, in the way he has destroyed our family.
At age 40 I told my mom I needed some healthy boundaries. Her reply, "I don't believe in boundaries." I think this says it all. And she's a therapist.
Someone high on the NPD spectrum is not capable of any intimate relationships. Period. Thats all you need to know. You’ll never be able to fill the shortfall of what they are not capable of giving. They are incapable of intimate partnership, same as a statue. They want admiration and attention but, like a statue, they cannot give anything back. Choose someone else.
The hardest but best moment of my life was sitting with myself after i caught him cheating. I was able to evaluate. I over sympathized and gave him the support and forgiveness that showed how much i cared…because i was giving a troubled person every comfort i longed for. So in a way, i was trying to fix everything by being what i desperately wanted and hoping to get the same in return. We’re raised on TV and movies and books. But we aren’t going to get a happy ending with someone who doesn’t even care that we’re in the story. I can comfortably say that my ex was a narcissist, and not just the word being thrown around. When i realized that my strength wasn’t in making a relationship work, it was in saying no to men that had no intentions of making a relationship work, my whole world changed. Saying no is hard, when you want to say yes and explain away the red flags. But it’s the most wonderful thing to change your life.
Yes. This is true. You really need to assess the person in front of you.
I love this comment
❤️🎯💯 Nailed it! Thanks for describing this so accurately! I've been there too.
Me too, I said NO I can’t fix this on my own anymore.
You can not set boundaries. You set a boundary and then right away they cross it.
Exactly, mum used to barge in the room when I was a kid, i put a knock notice on the door and a big argument started argument
They are specialists at boundary crossing.
It’s a sport for them!
Exactly
It's up to you to uphold/enforce YOUR boundaries not the Narc (Narcs don't care about boundaries it's just another challenge).
Yes, the only thing that works with a narcissist is consequences
Which, is scary. Why? Because it shows how easily they are manipulated by Socio/Psychopaths... And what that means (in terms of which role they're intent on pigeon holing their partner into).
What a sick game.
Agreed. If it doesn't impact them, they don't care. In my experience, at the end of the day, you need to withdrawal your time and energy from the person and move on. I've known people who gave and gave and gave till they were ultimately decimated. It's important to recognize the signs early. Remain detached while you assess a person. If there's no empathy, or a person doesn't do what s/he says they will do, or the interaction becomes very one sided (over time), get out. Sometimes narcissists will invest and do things (including love bombing) up front and that can throw people off. It's actions over time that matter.
That doesn't work either. They will eventually leave you for wanting equality.
@@dustinellerbe4125 good!😊
Either way mission accomplished
This is my first RUclips comment ever. But I need to say this. Thank you Jimmy.
It meant a world to me that you explained this. I was miserable for weeks, I had no idea what to do. I cried so much. I had no idea on how do these people behave nor weather they exist. But this now makes so much sense now. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!
You got this!!!!! You are worthy of being loved and valued!
I started crying when you said you are sorry for the way I have been treated because that is not a word I have ever heard out of my narc husband's mouth in the past 20 years of emotional abuse. Thank you for understanding your video really gave me hope, I am going to set boundaries 💪😊
I tried reading relationship books with my narc. I made a list of ways to work out differences peacefully with respectful ground rules built in. He’d listen and agree. And a few days later he’d start screaming and breaking all the rules we agreed on.
That's typical. Expect more of that.
Emotionally they are young children. Don't expect maturity, consistent behaviour, etc.
It's funny that most people have no patience for children but have infinite tolerance for narcisists and their behaviour😂😂
Maybe he has borderline personality disorder also
Nobody has the right to tell me who I am or not. Nobody has the right to tell me that I won't make my dreams happen, everything I want in my life. Nobody has the right to tell me or even think like "you know what, it's not possible for you, or you can't do it" . Nobody has that right, nobody. It's MY life
That’s right! Let’s go!
My ex told me this and told me to quit my music and everything. She said I'd never make it and it was a waste of time but I've made my own way.
My soon to be ex wife told me my dreams were never going to happen so I just needed to stop dreaming. She'd ask me to do something and then proceed to tell me how to do it. I got to the point were if she didn't like how I did something I told her to do it herself.
I let my mother destroy everything I hoped for. Too late to start again, I learned what she is.
@xJimmyonRelationships___2 I don't know about that. It feels like I'm loosing my 2 oldest daughters in the process. Maybe someday they will see the truth. Their mother has smeared my name pretty good.
Love yourself. Stay in Peace. God Will Deliver you from Evil. I tried to defend myself with a narcissist husband for 32 years. When I learned to stay in Peace..He divorced me and married someone else. I was Safe and Free. 😊❤
"you're not asking for too much; you're just asking the wrong person."
It took exactly four children and 28 years for me to see it and finally accept it. It's as if I wasted my life on drugs and gambling. Now I'm in dire straits, broken body disabled mindful of PTSD and abandoned by so many.
We are here, and we HEAR you!!!!
Took me 32 years of marriage. Little by little I’m healing and so will you.
@@NewMe-iq5os Thanks, What is your timeline? Currently I am 24 months into divorce. This week of September 23rd was the 2-year anniversary that she first chose to hook up with a co-worker. I can't explain all the details of how I know this exactly. But the recorder I listen to clearly stated that in 12 hours from then she was going to return to his apartment and finished what they started. I have been watching her closely because I knew that I had lost her love and someone else was making her laugh. From the time I found that recording until lunch the next day was the most overwhelming dread. Been at lunch when she should have been at home. Sleeping working midnights. Her car was not there.
The recorder actually revealed exactly what aisle it was parked in but I never knew what store.
During her adventure I had sent her a text message stating that I understood that it was really over now and that I would learn not to love her. When I retrieved the recorder the second time I heard her get back into her car, put her overnight bag in the back, sitting down in the driver seat and read text messages. Then she immediately called that man and said I've got a strange message on my phone from my husband. He says it's over now and he believes it. But why did he send this today? Does he know how? Could he know why today?
It was an excruciating way to find out for sure. I could have blown up her phone texting and calling her at work. Trying to talk her out of it.
But the truth is I figured out that she did not love me anymore 4 years before 💔. I lived 2 more years trying to sway her back.
But it was really over and she proved it.
Damn man, I’m sorry to hear that. I only had 17 years being raised by a narc who controlled every facet they could. Can’t imagine going even farther than that and realizing what you have before it was too late.
You had me until apologizing to a narcissist. It's useless and they absolutely will use it against you. It doesn't mean you don't take internal accountability for what you do. It just means you don't share it with them. Apologizing is a vulnerable act. Don't waste that on a narcissist.
So true!! Always used against you!!
The point in apologising for any mistakes you have made is to take responsibility for what you have done and not become hard and bitter. The point is don't become like them. It is a hard place and self care is vital ❤
I agree with not apologizing to a narcissist. It is equal to giving them another bullet to take a shot at you. I tend to take all the responsibility and hold myself accountable for the entire relationship while the narcissist is not taking any responsibility and blaming me for everything wrong in the entire world. I have no problem showing my vulnerability which makes it hard to set boundaries. Apologizing would set me back in holding my ground. I think apologizing should be something you do with a healthy person who doesn't let it go to their head and use it against you.
Oh, yeah.
Any apologies are always used against you.And they either a fake apologize or never ever apologize
I apologized to the narcissist once because it's who I am. I apologize for my actions for ME. not necessarily for them. I did the right thing, no matter what they make of it. Would I do it again? Only if I messed up really bad. I don't see that happening, so I doubt I'll do it again.
Here's the Bible take on that:
Matthew 7:6
“Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”
King James Version (KJV)
#1 Understand your worth and value as a person
#2 Understand what any relationship needs to feel safe and connected
#3 Take an honest look without guilt or shame on what you specifically need in a relationship for intimacy or connection to take place
#4 Develop a standard for how you know you deserve to be treated
#5 Set limits and boundaries with people who push up against that standard regardless of who they are
#6 Learn how to be vulnerable and respectfully talk about your needs and feelings
Thanks for summing it up. All great advice except the last one.
A toxic person EVEN IF agreeable to go to counseling, they will pretend to agree with the counselor but again NEVER do the work. And that is the most benign thing; my late husband always manipulated the counselors and they both in tandem gained up on me.
Never Do Couples - Even WithOut One Being A Narc
The “real” conversation was always supposed to happen later, after the counseling session. It never did.
Oh how many times I’ve heard,” I’m not yelling, it’s how I talk, you’re just too sensitive”, and then getting called a coward when I try to walk away.
As I recover I need these kind of reminders that give clarity so I can reevaluate what’s going on right now. Thank you so much.
It does my heart good that this education is so easy to access now. This content is absolutely critical, and especially for those of us who were raised by narcissists. Thank you Jimmy.
Yup. He couldnt give me the bare minimum so I started setting boundaries. About 5 moths later, he had another supply and left. Whoooohooooo
I’m in this spot now
old testament still in play= things like this would not happen
dodged a bullet
my beautiful sweet daughter told me yesterday when I asked her "why is doing the best thing for you so painful" -- she said "it's like working out, it's going to hurt in the beginning, but you keep going and then you realize how good it is for you..."
😢😢
Block, delete, no contact. Make sure you include all people you have in common with them as well. Scorched earth is the only solution.
100% agree!
Agreed.
this didn't feel like 20 mins at all. this was so good. i'm in tears. thanks jimmy
This is just as applicable to relationships with family members. This is so helpful, thank you!
exactly
I don’t particularly care about a diagnosis, correct. It literally hurts my body and mind to be in close connection to a person like that. I’m no longer willing to ignore what my system warning signals are telling me.
This is a beautiful, beautiful message. You speak directly to so many of the things that happen in these relationships. So validating.
I agree with you ❤
The moment I loved myself enough, I got divorced from a covert narcissist 😊
Same here! But his version is that I abandoned him. lol he forgot to mention to his admirers the abuse I endured from him.
@@NewMe-iq5os of course that’s his narrative! Victim hood has to be the response from narc’s for the protection of their own deeply held core wounds. Staying strong by surrounding ourselves with love, acceptance, and personal forgiveness for ever allowing them in our lives is part of the healing journey where we start to not care what they say. Personally, working towards healing those unloved parts of myself that allowed me to attract and partner with a narcissist in the first place, is the epitome of self care and divine Love. Be good to you ✨✨
11:28 ouch! That hit me like a brick! You literally just spoke to my soul
At 53 ive had an awakening from which I've discovered that I've been nothing more than a trained elephant my entire life 😮
The rage i felt when i realise this was enormous talk about being a trained elephant think about when one
goes Rogue 😮
Yeah I was out for blood it took all the fibres in my body not to re-act. Well i kinda did emotionally at first but when that was meet with laughing and ridicule and belittling. I woke up to their game of pushing my buttons
because that is what the narcissist wants you to do then they can say to others "oh look at the way she's behaving" to deflect their behaviour and hold you accountable for your Re-act to their Action😢 see how they play you😮 while they gloat that they've got away with what they've done. 😂
To them its all about gaslighting, malicious manipulation to keep you under their control 🎉a kinda tool for their needs 🎉and that's all you are😢
It's very soul destroying for you but they "don't care" to them its just a childish game of tit4 tat😂
Yet very dangerous so plan your departure very carefully don't tell anyone your plans to leave just remember to keep safe as these situations can end deadly . Some mindsets can turn to well "if i can't have you then no one can".....
Be safe😢watch out for flying monkeys 😅they can really blindside you😂🎉and stop your healing process 🤔
Jimmy!!! Oh my goodness I've asked so many brilliant RUclipsrs how to speak my boundaries with my covert narc mother, but never had any help. This is fantastic! Going to listen to this every morning until I've truly got it. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart! 68 years old and still terrified of the sweet Angel In Public that everyone else sees.
If you don't have boundaries they will set them for you. 😢
That's where consequences come in. When you set a boundary of course they'll be there to say "or else what?"
You must be prepared to answer that question decisively and without hesitation.
It hurts when you are the only one trying to work towards a better relationship.
Dealing with a narcissist can make one feel upset, confused, often even questioning, “Am I the narcissist? Am I the one being selfish?” But it is not selfish to have boundaries. It is not selfish to stand up for ourselves. It is not selfish to have self-love. There are many “experts” on RUclips that talk about narcissism. I come away from their videos thinking - what?! 😣🤷🏻♀️
But for me, you are the only one who is able to explain it and clarify it in a way that makes us truly understand the dynamic and how to best deal with the situation in a way that is healthy and finally brings us some peace.
And you are right. It is exhausting dealing with them because they don’t want to put in any work, let alone think that they might be the problem. I’m tired of being told “they are just like that or just ignore them” or worse, “Do the same thing back to them”. Yes there is such a thing as giving them a taste of their own medicine. But at the end of the day, why would I want to behave the same way as a person whose behavior I find unacceptable? Thank you for bringing clarity and very helpful advice for dealing with such toxicity - narcissism.
We call it “crazy making” in my family for a reason. I was raised by a narc.
Thank you, sincerely, for this video. I left the person controlling me. I'm dealing with my feelings and doing the work to heal. It's a long, ugly process, but I recognize the value in such work. I hope that someday I can recognize my inherent worth and value. Videos like this are so important to my process, a long with professional support. I encourage everyone in my position to just try to heal from the abuse they've suffered and know that we're not alone.
The problem is Narcissists have all the boundaries in the world. They will call you a narcissist when you are worked up so much and started to be animated and now they said you don’t respect their boundaries.
That's the oldest game in the world for a narc...ANYTHING you've ever said about them, or to help yourself, will be twisted, inverted, and used back against you.
And when you ask them to define the boundary they can't.
I've been so anxious and stressed out lately because a narcissistic parent I cut off for years reached out to me recently. I've been feeling so defeated, but I feel better watching this. This made me tear up a bit. Thank you so much for these videos, Jimmy.
Learn to recognize them and RUN AWAY. They are worthless. Completely worthless. I've just watched a friend FINALLY take action after years of misery. Get out. I learned many years ago after wasting 3 years in a relationship. Unfortunately it still haunted me for some time. Boundaries. Hell yeah. Have them and do not go back on the boundaries. In the end, you must leave.
Well said., That person needs to experience the pain, shame, isolation as the fruit off their behaviors. Their behaviors were not my choices. That is my boundary. I refuse the pain.
Its funny but people actually learn by example. Setting boundaries is good. However, the person who is without respectful qualities.....well, how is that helpful to us if we dont at least try to demonstrate the proper approach to others. In short, we may be the only person to ever raise an issue in this persons entire life and how sad that is.
Just ended a Toxic Friendship, and Never thought of her as a Narcissists, but couldn't put my finger on it... ABSOLUTELY 100% COVERT!!! Narcissists 😲😳😲 This reads like a Script of my relationship! HUGE GRATITUDE!!! MASSIVE THANKS ❤🙏🏻
This video should really be a mandatory viewing for young adults
I hope you the best Jimmy for all of the help you give to souls!!!!
I have been in a marriage with a narcissist for decades. Boundaries are no longer necessary. Just leave. Easier said than done but if you stay you will lose all of you. Just Go!
Married to one till he passed 4 years ago. Educated myself, read everything I could lay my hands on. The best way to deal with them is to go no contact, do not argue with them, get on with your life within the marriage if you can’t leave meaning no money no where to go. Living my best life, I will stay on my own. I trust me and only me. I don’t want a relationship to define me. I’m still healing. Watching and learning. Free to be who I want to be. Finding me.
Wow! You have said a lot. I am screwed. I was raised by 2 narcissistic parents, sister, and only sibling is also a narcissist. I then married a narcissist. I don't know what it means to be cared about, loved. As a 50 yr women, I am tired. So tired. I have been sick for 4 months now, and it doesn't stop. Hemust doesn't stop. I had to walk away from my 'family' as I didn't have enough energy to hear from multiple people how horrible I am . My husband does an extremely good job every day. I will die sooner than later because I really can't take it anymore. Have no idea who I am. I just want it to stop. Just want to be accepted, loved and cared about.
I'm so sorry
God Jesus is literally my best friend
He adores you
He has so many loving words for you in the bible
Such as ...I have loved you with an everlasting love
Such as God didn't give you a spirit of fear but he gave you a spirit of power love and a sound mind
I understand y completely 💙 I don't know a council I can give y to help..maybe a psychiatric skilled with NPD, or listen videos everyday how to get back the self-love and motivation from narcisistic abuse (listen to everyday, so you can feel validated and supported, and not forget)..start smth new in everyday life, some new routine for 15 min...disengage from the narcissists, if you can not eliminate their presence (do not share, do not engage, do not explain)...you need a different perspective.....I wish you mental and emotional strength to fight them and the false reality they imposed on yourself, and to heal....every sickness and illness passes when you end the relationship with a narcissist (I hope is not to late)🤞
Get away from the lot of them. Go no contact.
I left a relationship like you are describing 24 years ago. This information is still hitting home for my self care and self talk. I also am ready to have compassion for his pain while no longer feeling responsible for fixing it. I am glad I saved myself and my child. It has really highlighted the diferences between that old relationship and my current one. Thank you so much!!!
It is so true what he says about.They are changing you into them.Because mine would just make me so insane that I seem crazier than him and that's exactly what he wanted
So much valuable information shared in this video. Thank you so much for blessing us with your knowledge.
He surely is a help. I love his wisdom.
I grew up with a very emotionally abusive manipulative textbook narcissist mom that I also suspect has legitimate borderline personality disorder and as a young child I inherently knew that the ONLY way I could get her love was to agree with her off the wall behaviors and coddle her needs in order to be in her protective bubble. When I became a teenager and the abuse ramped up because I stopped acting that way towards her, I was casted out completely and thrown away. The only way to "win" a narcissists' shallow love and acceptance is to literally cater to their delusions. They dont respond to anything else. But its always going to be a one-sided relationship and you will always end up being the one that gets hurt. Its not worth it. Boundaries, gray rocking, and not letting them know personal details about your life for them to exploit is the only healthy way to keep them at an arms length distance and protect yourself if you absolutely cannot remove them from your life altogether.
I’m surprised and very happy to see others see the true colors of their narc parents .. but also sad and frustrated to see my own husband being blinded to this truth that his mother is and has been a narcissist all his life and he actually enables her/carers to her selfish wants and expectations of him .. I don’t know if it’s fear or just all the brainwashing she has done to him over the years .. like I point out something she does that’s controlling or breaking boudaries and he doesn’t say anything or defend her at times.. but I do pray and hope all the victims of these narc parents to see the truth and be set free.
And those techniques are important to learn, because parents should not be readily discarded like a boyfriend of spouse in a failing marriage. Find a way for limited contact out of respect for the fact that they are indeed your parents.
I learned I do not need to label anyone except for trying to understand how I got myself into the mess I did.
In the beginning everything I shared about myself was met with: “me too!!!!!
Until we were married.
As if a light switch went off his masks fell away and I began to see his truth.
I am now safe from him,
Physically.
Emotionally.
Financially.
I am glad to be creating habits of peaceful living again.
So. Very. Grateful. For. Clarity!
Your content is quite helpful,
Thankyou Thankyou!
✨💖✨
Two months ago, I told my husband that I do not feel safe with him: Physically, Emotionally, and Financially. He just looked at me!!!! He said nothing! 😢
I asked my ex to do counseling and he told me I was the problem, that I was the broken one, and there was no help for me.
My Ex actually went but spent the entire session blaming me and my "mental health issues".
Same
@@katherinemccoy5376 wow! Same… 😢
Yup
That’s what they do.
As did mine - it's all my fault.
Thank you. I got so sick of everyone telling me I should, "try communicating".
Oh! You don't say?! Wow, THANK YOU. I NEVER thought of that! In all of twenty years it never occurred to me to try communicating.
@@JaneSmith.9941 right!!!
A relationship with a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic personality style) is NOT a relationship. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we can stop losing our time "trying to make it work" and we can start on our healing journey. @Narc101
I listened to every second of this 20:42 video and I'm starting to believe I have a narcissist as a partner. Thank you SO MUCH for your advise and insight. I feel some relief, in a way, but also quite sad in that my relationship of 17 years has possibly been unnecessarily difficult, and unforgiving (except for my son, who is the light of my life). I can attest to the issues involved in being a victim to narcissism, but its VERY difficult to identify and (avoid?) the behavior. If you can, GET OUT of such a relationship as quickly as possible and avoid long term issues.
Excellent video. I felt heard by a stranger. Thank you so much!!!!
He is turning me into someone I am not -and it’s time to get me back.
You are the most concise and well spoken person I've encountered on this topic.
This was good. Thank you. I'm going through this now with someone i was getting to know for almost 6 months however I've stood up for myself several times in a span of almost 6 months. The only problem is me being empathetic and understanding of their childhood trauma. I walked away because i was finally tired of the gaslighting, triangulation, belittling me and invalidating my feelings. I'm disappointed in myself that I stuck around and tolerated this behavior for almost 6 months with my time, energy and attention but at least it wasn't 6 year's.
If narcissists are so bad, then why are WE the ones that are isolated? They seem to get on with everyone in the family who all seem to accept them fully, even love them fully, but they dont accept the one who exposes the abusive narc. Just doesnt make sense to me 🤔
Exactly. I’m the one left alone while they have the whole family.
My choice to be alone. It's safer.
BeCause we Do Not Trust ANYONE After Being AbUsed By SomeOne we Thought Loved us But InStead DisCover They Hate us
Because they're so good at storytelling, lying, and manipulating.
@@driggs2109 this is true 😕
Anyone watching this for first time, do watch till the very end. One of the most sensible videos on narcissism I have ever watched yet. Thank you!❤
Preserving our understanding of the words ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissistic’ by using them cautiously is important.
I don’t think either of them should even be used except in the context of describing someone with NPD.
The woman narcissist in my life cane in as a co- caregiver of my daughter. I immediately became her target, her enemy, and she made my life a living hell! There was NOTHING good or positive about this woman! I didn't know there were people like that in the world!
As for the label, this woman was NPD with sociopathy. She was also a psychopath..
My ex husband was FULL of narcissism! He was a total mean tyrant.. Yet, he was capable of love and empathy at times. If someone close to him was crying, he wouldn't know what to do, but it would make him cry too. He was narcissistic in most of his actions.
But he was not a narcissist.
@@cookiemama4 That is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness.
Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed.
Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it.
You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
That seems like a comment a "narcissistic" person might make.
It does seem the term "narcissist" has become somewhat overused in current society.
Is there some relevance to the increased use of the terminology?
It appears the percentage of the population that are genuine narcissists has been increasing, or at least more people exhibiting the related traits seem to be "out and proud."
Videos like this one are valuable in education, increasing awareness and understanding of self-centered or selfish behavior and related disorders.
Understanding how a person can and should interact with someone who constantly exhibits the associated personality traits seems essential.
In some contexts, applying the “duck test” as a form of abductive reasoning is prudent.
Abductive Reasoning:
Definition:
Abductive reasoning is a type of reasoning that involves making an inference to the best explanation or hypothesis based on incomplete or limited information.
Unlike deductive reasoning, which starts with a general principle and applies it to specific cases, or inductive reasoning, which starts with specific observations and seeks to identify patterns or generalizations, abductive reasoning starts with incomplete data and seeks to determine the most plausible explanation for that data.
Steps in Abductive Reasoning:
Abductive reasoning involves several steps in arriving at a plausible explanation for a given set of facts or observations. The steps may include the following:
• Observation of data: This is the first step in the process of abductive reasoning. The observer or reasoner observes and collects data from the available sources.
• Identification of pattern: In this step, the reasoner looks for patterns or regularities in the data. This involves looking for similarities or differences between the data and other known facts or observations.
• Generation of hypotheses: Based on the observed patterns, the reasoner generates a set of plausible hypotheses or explanations that could account for the observed data.
• Testing of hypotheses: The reasoner then tests the hypotheses against further observations or data.
This may involve gathering new data, conducting experiments, or analyzing existing data.
• Evaluation of the best hypothesis: The reasoner evaluates each hypothesis based on its ability to explain the observed data and other relevant criteria, such as simplicity, coherence, and consistency with other known facts or theories. The reasoner selects the most plausible hypothesis as the best explanation for the observed data.
• Refinement of the explanation: The reasoner refines the explanation based on further observations or data. This may involve modifying or discarding the original hypothesis or generating new hypotheses that better account for the data.
• Conclusion: Finally, the reasoner draws a conclusion based on the best explanation that fits the observed data and can be used to make predictions or guide further investigation
This is its usual expression:
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
The test implies that a person can identify an unknown subject by observing that subject's habitual characteristics. It is sometimes used to counter abstruse arguments that something is not what it appears to be.
Understanding and awareness are key for anyone who has encountered behavior anywhere along the spectrum of this personality disorder.
If it looks like a narcissist, behaves like a narcissist, and speaks like a narcissist, then it probably is a narcissist.
This may empower individuals to recognize what they are dealing with, protect themselves, and address inappropriate behavior. It may also teach them how to shut down a person who behaves this way and potentially avoid or minimize interactions with people like this when possible.
@@cookiemama4 It seems like my comment may have been deleted so I’m reposting it.
But anyway, that is why we use words like “self absorbed” or “egotistical”, something along those lines, when it doesn’t apply to an actual narcissist with NPD. A narcissist cannot feel real empathy although they can feign it. We should limit the use of the word not only because it’s incorrect, actual narcissists with NPD are a subtype of people who commit a very specific and damaging kind of abuse. Narcissism(NPD) is a mental illness.
Casually using the word “narcissism” to describe someone who is arrogant or selfish is like calling every rainstorm a hurricane. Overusing the word and creating something actually horrible into a buzzword can just be damaging and can have a “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” effect. So that when real narcissism is reported, it will be dismissed.
Buzzwords make people roll their eyes and dismiss whatever it is you’re talking about. Like the word “woke”(just as a random example). People started overusing it and then people began to have an eye-rolling response to anything that is described as “woke” without looking further into it.
You take the value and significance of a word away by using it superfluously. Doing that is the opposite of bringing awareness and can cause traumatic experience and dangerous people to be dismissed/diminished/overlooked. And anyone who has had the displeasure of experiencing them knows that narcissistic abusers thrive on being undetected.
I am 60. Married for 27 years. Most of the time I stayed at home, taking care for my daughter and my husband, house renovations, doing accounting for his business. Working hard all my life without the paycheck. The years I worked did not add up to any pension, as I followed him when he got the contract in US, witch left me with no work permit. Now I am in the situation where I don't have means to go on my own. How to survive in this situation? He controls all the money. 7 years ago we moved to Central America, no friends, no family, no safe circle to go to. There are many talks about leaving the narcissist. No talk about how to stay and survive. Is it possible at all? If I knew, what I know now, I would do things differently. But there was always excuse for him, stress, work, etc. He was bread winner for our family. Now, when he is retired, we live in a beautiful place, and his behavior is at his worst. At 60 I am stack with the regrets, with 0 perspective for changing my situation. We are living in this beautiful place, and I wonder every morning why I wake up, and what for. What is the sense and purpose of my existence.
Can´t you divorce him but of course the battle ... ACA - they are all around the world if you are lucky they can be an oases.
Grey rock, if you stay. it’s a technique to give yourself peace. Look it up 🌷
Get out anyway you can. Live in a van. Anything. Take him to court and use legal aid to get what you are entitled to. The law is on your side.
I can attest to all of this. I am in a 52 year relationship with one. It took me a long time to become myself, to not subsume myself to his needs. It took me a long time to be able to not hear the names I was called and eventually came to believe. I walk a different path now. It took me a couple of years of therapy and some anti-depressants, but I see light at the end of the tunnel.
You have my utmost compassion.