I learned about this stuff long ago. They might have created new terms which is alarming because books that were written about this topic will be overlooked.
Don’t talk about your boundaries. Just set and hold them. Talking about them will only educate a narcissist on what your vulnerabilities are, and they will exploit and manipulate them.
I've found if I'm declaring my boundaries I'm either trying to control someone else's behavior or not taking responsibility for my own boundaries. Although the ultimate boundary is only allowing respectful and loving people in my life. 😊
I agree. Don’t let them know because they will act like they can somehow dance around them and use a back door to get around them somehow. It inspires their creativity and gives them a challenge.
@danastrickland5215 Something as simple as DOING THE ACTION of not responding to texts from him or anyone for that matter after 9pm. Instead, of FIRST VERBALLY saying to him or her "I don't respond to texts I receive after 9pm". You can verbally say the boundary after the potential narcissist has seen you practice it in real time. Another example is you leaving, if he's 1 hour late for date. When he sees you weren't there when he finally arrived at the location, and contacts you, that is when you verbally state, AFTER you've demonstrated to him in action, that you don't wait for more than an hour for late dates.
So so true. As soon as my boundaries were crossed I said bye bye. I caught him by surprise by ending it very early and I’m so glad I was unwilling to stay for it to escalate, it will only get worse the longer you stay, cut them off early.
@@cici77 it's as if they're studying us all the time. Initially I told my ex narc. what my ex husband had said to me years ago that made me know for sure it was over. So the narc, a few years later when we were arguing, used that, word for word. Creepy!
Yes! Treat others like you want to be treated... Which means someone who cares for you will most times be doing this to you. Love your neighbor AS you love yourself... You can only love others to the extent you love yourself.
Deflection is what I see with my closest family. Not even thinking about how they make you feel…unimportant, shamed, and spiritually and mentally sick. I’ve noticed they never think about how their actions affect you…they only deflect because they literally don’t have the ability or insight to care about anyone other than themselves. I can stop beating my head against their brickwall. “I didn’t make you feel that way”…”nobody can make you feel ____. You’re doing that!” I tried to untangle that in my mind for years. The difference is…deflection is very different than introspection. They don’t care about how they make you feel.
@@annieplourde1110 Indeed. We are a common denominator in our relationships. Accepting ownership is emotional maturity . Your Past Relationships Explained -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 What Love Is Not-Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 Why You Choose The Wrong People-Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Narcissists vs Avoidant's What Are The Differences And What Are The Similarities - Ken Reid podcast 🌞 Self Love To Self Healing - Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️ Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Toxic Families by Susan Forward Boundaries by Henry Cloud Safe People by Henry Cloud Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter She's Scared He's Scared by Stephen A Carter Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin -attachment styles Facing Codependency by Pia Melody Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant ❤️ Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships. It clarifies. Are You The One For Me Knowing Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong by Barbara De Angelis The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
A tip for anyone still feeling stuck in a relationship with a narc like I felt I was a few years back is this. Expose them in a very simple way. For example, I signed a 3 year lease on a house with mine earlier than I wanted to, then later realized he was toxic and broke up with him but he wouldn't let me out of the lease and he wouldn't leave the house because he still wanted to be together. He would rage at ke for HOURS for breaking up with him. I held firm and wouldn't get back together just to make him calm down and have some form of peace, so he would continued to throw massive fits and scream at me for hours. I bought a lock for my door but he still would break into my room and attack me for hours. One day I had the idea of pulling out my phone and recording him when he was in a rage. The first time I pulled out my phone and told him I would post the recording online for all his friends & family to see, he instantly stopped screaming, turned and started RUNNING in the opposite direction of me, up the stairs into his room. The second time, same thing, instantly stopped screaming and RAN, not walked, out the door. I never had to record a third time between he not only left me alone but 2 weeks later he found a new place because of his fear of being exposed was so intense. Start recording people!!!
@@bethanywilks1097 Sometimes we are unconsciously committed to being victims. Meaning we might consistently find excuses for why we "can't" get out. There is always a solution but for some we don't always see it because being a victim is all we knew/know and where we subconsciously feel most comfortable. It can be a scary thing to step into your own power. But I promise you there is always a solution. Cameras are cheap and designed small to be hidden. Or even if you have an old phone laying around (I have at least 2) then use an old one to record while having 911 on speed dial on your current phone. If he tries to attack you help will be on the way and he gets to go to jail. My ex mostly raged at me in my room after I got off of work, but he would also follow me around everywhere raging if I tried to leave my room. Sometimes I'd lock myself in the bathroom and he'd just be screaming through the door. You can totally record that and call the police at the same time. And this may sound silly that I didn't know this but I found out later that screaming is considered domestic violence, you can call the cops simply for him screaming at you, you don't have to sit there and take his verbal tantrums or wait until he hits you to call the police. If you're not trapped in a lease, have your own income and source of living, or maybe you don't have it together financially yet but have family or someone to stay with just get out asap
Its really hard when you get to a stalemate and you try to start a peaceful conversation and then they will put something in the conversation to piss you off. Its so hard to communicate with out being tripped.
Oh boy do I know this subtle and sly trick that has been used on me more times than I'd like to admit.The way it happens is so under the radar and before you know it, you are hearing words full of disrespect and shaming. Which feels like your head is spinning as your trying to understand WTF just happened. So NO, any ideas about having a conversation so you do talk about WTF just happened is what that other person is deadly afraid of. That conversation is the golden ticket and the narcissist ego destruction. There are many layers to the N and that's what they are afraid of. That you will understand how very frail they truly are. No one can help then and it is what it is and you can only control yourself. In the end you learn what it is you are dealing with and ya just let it be and not respond to the BS when it shows up.😂
Best protection against narcissists (speaking from too much experience unfortunately) is being a mentally strong person with a strong personality, strong boundaries, a strong sense of purpose and belief in yourself. Even then some narcissists may view you as a challenge but they will usually give up pretty easily if you keep your focus on yourself - in a healthy way. Narcissists want people who will focus on THEM - not themselves. The best safety against allowing narcissists to get too close to you is to actually radically care about your own wellbeing 😇
Absolutely!!! After experiencing this for many years, I am just learning this tactic now! I had severe self esteem issues growing up and that's how this monster entered my life. But through the trials & tribulations I have learned to be stronger each day!
Thank you! Healing from a 32 year marriage with a very charming covert narcissist. Your videos have shown me what real relationships should look and feel like. Thank you so very much.
Well done, Jimmy. I wish narcissism education had been available when I was selecting my first husband. And, my second. Thank you for spelling this out for people, who still may not be aware they're involved with a narcissist. I wish you every happiness.
@@kathysamson5691 thank you. Presently In trauma therapy for PTSD, Abandonment and Betrayal trauma. Really tough road that I never dreamed I’d be on. Leaning into Jesus and holding onto hope for my future.
@@CH56786 oh no. I’m so sorry for your experience also. My daughter is also married to a narcissist and she is losing herself and becoming an extension of him. Terrible for our relationship and my relationship with my two very young granddaughters. It’s so sad to watch. I pray that God will shine his light on her situation and my daughter will be able to see the mask before too much damage is done. Wishing you health and happiness on your journey.
It can even be done with nothing but a tone of voice…pretending to cover the misdeeds they did to you. They know, but they’ll act as if you’re the one reading too much into things. They’re testing you. To see how much you’ll take.
To add...if someone calls you names during a fight or demeans you in any way, that's their way of showing how capable they are of being disrespectful. It won't change. Run.
It depends… if they call you “awful”, ask them to be specific. Maybe you are being awful, maybe you aren’t. But, until you ask for clarification, you won’t know. If they’re saying “you’re awful bc you don’t just stop what you’re doing to serve them and their needs, then the statement has no bearings. But if you’re enforcing your will on them, then maybe it does. Maybe they’re really bad at communicating so the only thing they are capable of saying is “you’re awful”.
Yes and sometimes when you have to deal with years of emotional and physical abuse, the abused partner picks up traits from the narc. It happened to me. My husband belittled and talked rude to me after we got married. I put up with it for years... And then, i began insulting him back. What did he begin telling me? Haha!!... He said "You are so mean! You are a horrible fkd up person you need therapy!" Omg seriously
Yes, and many times they will do the exact same things they criticize you for! I know someone who interrupts a LOT & it's not even related to the same topic, like a 60 yr old man with no attn span. Yet when I simply agreed or asked a question to clarify something, he'd go into a rant about how much he disliked interrupting or say, "let me talk." Want to know what's worse than a narcissist? A drunk alcoholic narcissist! 😳😵💫🤦🏽♀️
Yeah, so true! I am in a relationship with a narc! I am trying to get rid of it. I stopped talking. He is also not calling. He thinks I will eventually call. But I just want it to be over@@1974jashful
1. Talk about your boundaries. Pushes the wrong person away. Understand what you deserve and what relationship needs to be fulfilling and respectful. 2. Do not trust who lack accountability. 3. Vulnerable with you. Safe enough to be curious about each other lives/love. Take things slowly in the beginning. 4. Genuine empathy as a skill. Learn when it’s time to leave(doesn’t care about how their behaviour affects you, abuses you, neglectful, demeans, blame, gaslights, dismissive). Doesn’t have capacity to love. Look for honest, consistent with actions and words, repair conflicts with you, not confused all the time, desire to be safe place to be honest. Become person who stands up for themselves, who doesn’t need saving, advocate for legitimate needs and boundaries, desires respectfully , knows their worth and value, treats others with kindness, respect, consideration and understand its reciprocated in their relationship otherwise it won’t happen.
100% Or, like I did, I just quietly opted out. My trauma-bonded husband went solo. Best decision of my life. Almost 2 years ago we both went No Contact from hubby’s NARC Cult family. Sadly he found out they didn’t have his back. I’m quite sure they never expected their scapegoats to grow a backbone. 🤷🏻♀️ Silence truly is golden.
💯 % agree with you. I can't completely opt out (I have a teen nephew who needs to be able to experience other ways to build relationships), but a few months ago, and for the first time in decades, I decided I'd have my own lodging otherwise I would not go see them. It's been difficult because in my culture (and actually also in my personal view - when a family is NOT dysfunctional) when you go back to your hometown it's obvious you are hosted in your parents' home or one of your relatives'. So my decision was taken as a really bizarre one, because my narcissistic sibling has many enablers and because I'm the first of the family who's trying to break the cycle... But it was a decision worth making, because I didn't have to stay with them when I didn't want to, I didn't have to witness/suffer their abuses and be a silent accomplice to situations I can't possibly change. I had another place to go, in a different area, and - bonus - I gave myself the opportunity to reclaim my hometown, to go wandering, filling my eyes with beauty, while for many years I'd go back home just to be sucked in a whirlpool of misery for the few days of my stay. The healing process is in progress, we're all on a journey. It's not easy but I feel the online community (here and on Dr Ramani's channel) is helping me a lot. Thank you all, let's all stay strong and grounded in our healing journey 🏵️
Boundaries are MAGIC. Setting standards and holding space for respect of self is sooooo important. Boundaries make healthy people feel really safe. When someone responds badly to a boundary it is a GOLDEN clue.
I'm now put off by men who are very enthusiastic about me very quickly, who lovebomb me and really step on the gas. If you have no experience or are needy, you can think that's 'real love' - in adult eyes it's just 'absurd'. If you don't know me, you can't love me, can you? Personally, I don't care what makes men tick - even co-dependent people can lovebomb you. None of this works for me. I want a mentally and emotionally mature man by my side - or I'd rather be alone. And yes - setting boundaries separates the wheat from the chaff. You can't change anyone. I've stopped trying to change men. They are how they appear to me, and that's that. There's nothing more to know. The only question is: Is this good for me? Do I feel strong, safe and beautiful with this man? If no, I know what to do. Edit: I don't know how it is in the US, but here in Europe the use of swear words in a relationship is rather unacceptable. Nothing where you take a deep breath for 10 minutes and then move on. For me, the fact of being called swear words would be a reason to break up, not an annoying detail.
My ex narc called me the C word once, after I cut him out of my life, he crawled back months later... Sure enough, he called me the same word after promising on his kids life he never would again 👀 These parasites have zero morals or class. And yes, I dumped the creep for good 🌻
Grew up with a narcissistic mother, divorced a narcissistic wife. Recently came in contact with the person who wanted to be my friend and this guy did the equivalent of friendship love bombing. This time I understood what was happening and that explaining it to them would be worse than useless because they would just use it to make me feel like shit for not wanting to hang out with them. I don't trust him. When I explained that I was busy and needed my space, he pushed harder. I now understand that it is not just my right, but it is my healthy obligation to myself. Thanks for your support.
I found a MASSIVE tool to practice when I was confused and had low self worth. I noticed in therapy that my (now ex) wife would behave drastically different in therapy than at home alone with her. It was as if she was a different person, i jokingly thought to myself things would be fine if we had a therapist as a roommate. The tool was that I started recording our conversations (video & audio) because i wanted to demonstrate this difference to the therapist. She lost her mind when I started doing this. Blamed me for trying to manipulate other people to believing that she was a horrible person. My response was that the only thing I would be recording was how she behaved. So there was nothing to be embarrassed about but her behaviour. And furthermore if she didn't want anyone to see how she behaved behind closed doors, then why was she behaving that way, and why was it ok to treat me that way. She escalated further, but I gained a great deal of clarity from her apprehension towards being recorded. Recording someone is archiving accountability.
Classic sign of a narcissistic relationship, feeling the need to actually tape a conversation because what they say is not what they admit to later ("I never said that!"). Sadly enough, the unreality of the gaslighting behavior definitely makes sense to record them. These people are just so awful -
This is where I’m at. He found out I was recording and took my phone and deleted everything. Then told his whole family I’m trying to set him up to get him in trouble.
@@Wellwouldyalookatthat yup, that happens. Turns out reputation sabotage is a last minute attempt for control when they realize that you are getting wise. Its an attempt to discredit you before you have a chance to expose their behavior. Good news for you is that means that you are developing the awareness needed for a healthy relationship. Basically behavior carries more weight than words. It might be difficult, but moving forward, try not to get pulled into sabotaging their reputation nor getting defensive about what they say about you. People who really know you and care about you won't be swayed by rumor milling. And those who are, or who judge you based on what someone else says about you rather than your actions & behavior, weren't really that invested in you in the first place. If you find yourself confused by their words (or twisting of words) try to remind yourself that you matter. And people who matter don't deserve to be treated as such.
@@Trooperuss thank you. I originally started recording because I thought maybe I was losing my mind in remembering things differently than he was telling me. Turns out I wasn’t. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I’ve lost my entire network of friends but I have a big family who are super supportive and trying to help. Hard to reach out when under constant surveillance. Cameras gps checking phone records. But I’m figuring it out, some how still hoping for the man I had a child with to return but I’m convinced he was never that man in reality. I can’t believe this is my life now
@@Wellwouldyalookatthat Good for you for confirming your own sanity. Do you know that you never need to hide nor justify wanting to reach out to people you feel safe with or who care about you? You are worthy of feeling safe, and of having clarity. Rather than hoping he will return to being who you were initially attracted to, perhaps it is more productive to ask yourself which is more true: 1. Has he changed? 2. Have you evolved, and are now more aware of unhealthy behavior, that you were previously naive about? Sounds like you already know the answer. This is not your life! This is a moment in time. A clarifying moment. A starting point on the GPS path to your destination. You know, that where you are isn't where you want to be. That's a great start. You may need to get someplace where you feel safe, free from being watched like a prisoner. Free from being responsible for someone else's happiness. So you have room to breathe. So you can become crystal clear on the relationship you desire. Once you know what the relationship you desire looks, and more importantly feels like, then the choices you make for yourself moving forward will be as clear as a GPS telling you the next turn. Hope this was helpful. This reply was all really just a summation of what worked for me, wasn't insinuating that I know what you need. You are doing extremely well. The fact that you are finding content such as this, means you are evolving. Keep going, and the relationship that is worthy of you will find you. Regardless of who it is with. P.S. Meditation, first thing in the morning with the intent of quieting the mind chatter for just 20min, helped me find clarity from the absence of negative thoughts.
I can absolutely testify of the power of setting boundaries. In dating the man who is now my husband, we set all sorts of boundaries to protect our relationship. Neither of us wanted to engage in any sexual relations outside of marriage, and so I thought a curfew was wise. And he helped me stick with it, even when it was hard. And he always respected my body and person. The way a man touches you is very indicative of his respect for you, and I saw that he never touched me in ways that were inappropriate or sexual. Now, 4 years of marriage later, I am grateful for this absolutely wonderful man in my life!:). He is a loving father and devoted husband, and I am so grateful we set those boundaries that helped us draw even closer together.
I’m wondering then, if your relationship with your husband is as you indicate, why are you listening to this video? I’m here b/c I wish to learn more about myself and how I fell vulnerable to allowing a narcissist into my life.
Probably for the same reason I watch most other RUclips videos...It showed up and looked interesting 😅. Now, the reason I took the time to share my personal experience is because I feel that we are trained in society to feel like we can't set boundaries, and I wanted to add my own witness that what Jimmy was saying about boundaries was true. Regarding your own personal experience, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I am sure you have a heart full of love. Unfortunately, abusers (and narcissists) use the genuine care of others to manipulate them. That's where boundaries are so powerful, especially up front; don't waste a single minute with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or treat you or your person with respect. Love and prayers for you, dear friend. I hope you find the happiness and healing you are searching for. You are worthy of it.
Good for you if it is mutual! My wife also set boundaries about our sexual relationship with her and I tried to respect that and give her time and space. It went to a point where I noticed that my sexual needs are not met and whenever I brought that up I've been blamed of being sexual and devaluing love down to sexual activity. She thinks, the way she wants it, is enough. But it ended up to my resentment and after 15 years of marriage I came to a point that I am revising my relationship.
Don’t think a narcissist is able to listen to this very deep talk! You’re wasting your breath because they have no empathy. They are not your project , your only option is to RUN! They don’t understand boundaries and will never know how to respect them. Stop caring! Stop explaining! Stop 🛑! Leave!
Im 31 and my nana is 75 and shes been a victim of her time and horrible childhood her mother abandoned her and beat her she then had marry her abuser and then had a stillborn due to him terrorising her mentally and in every other area you can think of(in the 60s scotland) 100% narc my grandfather, but he reaped what he sowed in the end dying alone and his last days afraid. I listen to all the older women around me realising, due to trauma bonds and living in times where women had it much harder with almost next to no choice😢 and their own families dysfunctional attitudes. And societal condtioning to be damned if you do or damned if you dont as a woman. I sit and think of how i feel at 31 realising about self care and that i am never going to accept the unacceptable again. Narc abuse has driven me to suicde in the past. I am in utter respect for you ladies and gents and them. At finding yourself in your 70s and beyond. I wish lots of healing 🎉 your way and i hope yous get inner peace and a sense of safety and contentment❤ you deserve to have that in your life. I couldnt have lasted to my 70s with my abuser i salute you for being such strong people ❤
I am 77 years old. And right now about to get away. Thanks to some wonderful friends who love me & understand what I have put up with all these years. I am so thankful for all these RUclips videos that having given me knowledge as to what has been going on all these years. Getting out while I still have my sanity.
My Mom married a full-blown narcissist recently. Sometimes I work with him and I never let him get away with anything. I hold him accountable and he hates it
...beware of the exhaustion that comes when silence becomes the main choice for survival in these types of relationships...Be gentle as a dove and wiser than the serpent...Boundaries are for You...and the other...🙏💪🙏
I've just had another experience with a co-worker who totally disrespected me, bullied, and acted in a very aggressive way. It's a part time job, no real income from it, but I enjoy the time spent in serving the public. I refused to respond to this bad behavior. SO, I talked to the owner and ask for different days to work. Explained the situation with the co worker Have learned from the past not to argue, it's a no win situation. The owner agreed, and apologized for the person, with I told him was not necessary, this was for her to do. I refuse to he disrespected, critizied and bullied. I am worth being respected and valued. Thank you!
I'm going through similar with my line manager, I can empathise with you, and I am 100% certain my manager will never access this video and see my comment!
Described my Ex and my mother! I had to take a deep look at myself to see why I ended up in an abusive relationship. Just because something's familiar, doesn't mean it's safe!
Id love Jimmy to talk about this type of narcissist…my partner stares at me while I unload all my pent up emotions grunts something in the end and then never changes..after 35 years I’ve had enough. He won’t leave either. He’s been on the couch for over 2 years now
My mom goes in and out of both of them. Here lately it's been the silent treatment. Many years prior it was yelling and screaming. Good, please give me silent treatment for rest of my life.
Jimmy, you have helped me heal from lifelong trauma. Thank you. I'm 78 years old and can now (finally) understand my childhood misery from my father, my failed marriage to a narcissist husband, and my slowly distancing relationship to my son. You have blessed me beyond words. (note: I looked at this statement and immediately thought I must be to blame for these failed relationships, since I am the common factor.... then smiled and finished the post.)
Oh, sister! I'm 77.5 and going through exactly your examples, except my parents finally got my son away from me, when he turned 17, after two court battles. ALL my subsequent male 'choices' were predicated on my wanting dad to love me, a state of being in which I was always beaten, sexually abused, mentally and emotionally destroyed. I stopped it all at 40 and I've chosen to live alone (went into dog-car rescue) for the next nearly 40 years. There was no going back. My mother did ask me to forgive her 11 months' before she died. Dad died a very inglorious death and his parting shot at me several years' before was that I was the kreep. I was 50! I just replied, "No. I am not." He was a bad, bad man. I was not glad he was dead, but I was glad he was dead. My son is now 57.5 and I've not seen him or spoken to him, since his grandfather died. I've long since stopped crying--and I'm better off for it. This is one heaven of a time to begin getting a lifetime of regret right, but I'll take and hang on to whatever is left. It is a far better thing I do, now, than lose it all. GOD Bless you and Shalom. --jana, sun antonio, tejas (ps--both my parents were distantly and abusively raised. Dad's dad was cruelty personified, even unto my brother and me. I WAS glad when grampa died. Couldn't have happened to a 'better' man. All part of The Sins of the Generations...)
I have stated my boundaries around people right away. They played me. They pretended to respect my boundaries and crossed them later harming me. I'm not giving details,, but predators are experts at pretending they care in the beginning,
@@Nerine98yea, this is disheartening to hear😢 maybe we can try setting up a few boundaries that are so tiny but very relevant to everyday life. maybe even slightly inconvenient or annoying. nothing harmful just confusing. like idk.... i only hold hands with my right hand. lol if they mock or try to cross it bcs "its not a big deal" then boom.
i'm autistic with a special interest in psychology & have trained as a counsellor (lol child neglect and abuse survivor prior to dv by a narc) and I "called out" my narcissist abuser in extraordinary detail while maintaining neutrality, and while it was kryptonite for a moment, and he did breakdown crying, he just spun it back into "THIS is why we are meant for each other, no one has ever SEEN ME like you do" and then he proceeded to call EVERY ADULT FAMILY MEMBER OF HIS on speaker and tell them that he was in love with the most amazing woman in the world and just go on and on about how amazing I was. It was surreal and even after the lovebombing and soul mate stuff it was wildly over the top, so you might be able to confront a narcissist with the truth but they are still a narcissist and they will move forward from that call out just like they move forward from everything - with only their own interest in mind of how to CONTROL the situation.
His List of what repels a narcissist/toxic person: 0:42 1. Talk about your boundaries 7:34 2. Hold them accountable 12:56 3. Vulnerability on both sides 16:49 4. Genuine Empathy PS: I absolutely HATE when people (mostly guys) don't apologize for their behavior but for "the way I'm feeling about it"! 😅 Makes me go full she hulk!
I told a man I’d been dating only briefly that I wouldn’t sleep with him if he was sleeping with other people. He was actually a very good communicator and well-practiced at being able to talk about things many other men would shy away from. So I felt safe creating this boundary with him. And he graciously wasn’t interested in that arrangement. It was a little awkward, but we parted ways very amicably. And it was such a good experience for me. Now I have no trouble expressing such things early on. I am not interested in casual relationships, and now I don’t waste any time or effort on men that aren’t interested in what I’m looking for. I truly respect that man and have no judgment about his dating preferences. And our open conversation was proof that men that know how to communicate and be respectful do very much exist.
And that there are men who can be honest and succumb tobinstabt gratification regarding women bc he could have lied to you, like some males do, and said he's NOT sleeping with anyone else, so he could sleep with you. But instead he was honest with you and respected your standards.😊
Another thing narcissists do is look at you as an inanimate object, so if a plastic cup is cracked or broken it gets thrown out, that is how they see people, that is how they treat people when and especially if they find a new supply for their mountain-sized ego. Yet they find it difficult to be alone/single and not getting constant praise. They very much care how things "look" to others this matters to them a lot. They are also not very kind to animals and often neglect their children at home or are only pleasant when their child accomplishes something "superficial." Edit: will add that of course there are levels to this and not 100% of narcissists are exactly the same, but thwse are just some of the things to look out for.
@archerandthemouse they mighr like the attention but unfortunately ive seen many neglect thwir pets and ive know of a few who even huet their animals when they were "annoyed" but you are right there are levels to it and not all treat their pets badly. Thats just one thing to look put for.
I have a friend who is going through a divorce after 36 years. I remember a few red flags from early in their relationship. Once, he was sitting behind her when she was driving on the highway. She accidentally left the turn signal on, and he became so irritated with her that he yelled and kicked her through the back of the driver's seat. Mind you, she didn't tell me about this. I was in the car with them, and I saw it first hand. I could never imagine putting up with such an abusive stunt. This wasn't the only incident I witnessed either. Imagine how much worse he probably behaved when others weren't watching. How I wish I had asked her about it or offered to help at the time.
Sometimes narcissists take a lot of time to reveal their true colors. I knew a co worker for 30 years and considered him a friend. BUt the moment he became my boss his entire personality changed. When I did a little forensic work I realized that he had never had anything good to say about anyone we both knew. Including his wife. And his daughter. I called our producer and told him 'I cannot allow myself to be managed by anyone who cant manage themselves'. I didn't quit, I just didn't respond to his rage texts and messages. I eventually worked out a deal with the producer who paid me thru the end of my contract. I'll never speak to my former 'friend' again. I did run into him once and I looked right through him as if he wasnt' there. Because for me he never was.
Another thing I've found to detect them before they switch is they're obsessed with dodging blame. People pleasers are also obsessed with blame but they're trying to take all the blame, even if their not at fault.
I, unfortunately, share a child with the narcissist in my life. He moved 3,000 miles away when he found out I was pregnant, so I thankfully don't have to deal with him very often. But the times I do are less anxiety filled thanks to videos like this.
@StellarHeron So true. It's bittersweet in terms of our child, but then I think of the chaos our lives would have been if he were still local. Yikes! I count my blessings!
It takes a lot of planning and thought to protect your child from a narcissist's manipulation. Even if they don't want responsibility now, as the child gets older, the narcissist may be plotting to train them or use them at some point, or poison them against you. Keep records, get them a counselor in advance.
Control control control ... they can't stand people who are not submissive and then they despise you if you are submissive !. Such a good video . Thank you for the support.
One can speak to accountability all they want but if they are empty words, then it's time to go back to the drawing board. Truly narcissistic behavior is by definition unaccountable.
Well, if you say you won't accept something, it's up to you to refuse it, even if that means leaving the relationship. The narcissist will always try to get their way, no matter what the other person says.
Are you taking money from him for alimony or child support? Are you taking money from anyone else? As long as you’re paying your way, then you can claim that, but what I’ve seen is that women want the financial support of other people without having to provide any emotional support.
@@samuelpayne5460 my husband is my best friend. I love him with all my heart and we are best friends. It’s my sister’s friendship that I lost due to her being a narcissist. I love her still and have been releasing her.
I'm in awe.😲 Such an accurate description of my relationship. No support in hard times, on the contrary, blaming and shaming me, cornering me and forcing me to over react only to be able then to call me crazy.
The advice in the video is bad advice unless you can give firm consequences for transgressions I.e. completely cutting contact and they can't reach you. Narcissists can't do anything with the information out of the goodness of their heart. Unfortunately they are parasitic and only respond to consequences.
The moment I realized I can’t fix the narc in my life, that’s when the guilt stopped controlling me. Keeping my distance now, and it’s a very healthy thing.
The narcissist in my life is my mom, and my brother is married to one so he's now whatever version of one a victim turns into after 24 years. I'm a late bloomer in "choosing me" and creating boundaries. After a single instance two months ago with my first time ever speaking to my brother about boundaries ("I am interested in having mutually respectful conversations and I'm on board when my input is included, welcomed, respected. I'm no longer willing to participate in non-productive conversations, which is when I'm treated with disdain and contempt both verbally and in non-verbal communication, when I'm cut off mid sentence and not allowed to finish, and when deflection off-topic goes into questioning or nit-picking and I'm pushed into defending mode over irrelevant little things such as why I parked in the place I parked."), he won't talk to me now. This is devastating to me. But I'm not going to rescind my new boundaries with him. Since I'm so new to this, I'm completely lost in what I need to do for me when it comes to my mom... Thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much... You are very much appreciated❤
Coming from a home where narcissism is present is a tough road. Have you thought about seeking therapy to help you navigate the path? Sometimes it helps to just have someone validate your feelings and remind you that the expectations and boundaries you have are not only reasonable, but necessary for your own mental health.
@@lilhawk81 Your words are appreciated - thank you. And thank you for 'reinforcing' my thoughts on therapy... I'm looking at finances now in rearranging some things so I can afford to do so. Hoping, also, I might find support group meetings, maybe, that may be a little bit less in cost?!
@@tnels5027 talk to your Dr and check public health sites - sometimes one can get group or short-term therapy on sliding scale to your income. Also, online options can offer the same without the added cost of taking time off work and travel. You can do this!
Narc mother, it affects your mental, emotional, pyscological, physical health, nervous system disregulation Spent 58 years on repeat, until my body said no more! So I tried to have, relate in healthy ways, but to a narcissistic person, you can't be you, you can't be authentic, they covertly punish you, when you least expect it. So exhausted, I walked away, full no contact, 9 months ago, it's a painful decision, she's elderly and last week needed help. I ignored, didn't respond. You grieving for someone , a mother who couldn't love you unconditionally as a child. A lost connection with most important person in your life. Radical acceptance ❤
Absolutely as that’s what my Ex husband seemed to do so well…. Split 4 years ago my life is still not even close to prior to meeting him and spending almost 10 years… Never ignore the red flags 🚩 they are definitely right in our face from the beginning we just have to be more honest with ourselves & run 🏃 in the opposite direction… I’ve tried dating but feel I’m damaged as I run as soon as I see something to familiar. It’s hard being on my own tho I constantly remind myself how awful it really was to be with that person and how sad & angry I was most of the time around him… He was only ever sorry when I called him out, then it was a rushed I’m sorry “but” always a but after a sorry… Only sorry he got caught
Just got out of a very short (thank God) time of dating someone. I knew, when a conflict arose and he became mean and accusatory, that I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone like that. But you have helped me to see clearly the behaviors even before that that were signs I needed to get out. Thanks for your videos!
My dad was severely abusive and a narcissist. He charmed my mom and kept us all under his thumb. He passed away and I am free from his abuse. This is helping me avoid narcissistic relationship. You are the very few men I listen to and trust. Thank you!!
Overextend, over function to the point of exhaustion. Making up for slack. Yupppppppp. Constant gaslighting. He loves to argue and push and push and push. He grew up with an angry father with bad habits. His mom let his father do whatever. So many things in this video sound like my husband. I’m relieved that I’m not crazy in feeling unsafe around this. But also sad because well, now what? 😢😂 Thank you for this video. Eye-opening. Supportive.
This whole speech hit me very hard. This is top tier advice. "If you don't have safety, honesty, connection....you don't have a relationship. You have the shell of what could be a partnership. You just have hope....and you deserve a heck of a lot more than hope." Ooooooof......right in the guts
Thank you for the video. Thats the route I took with my ex. He was always making it seem like I wasnt doing enough in the relationship although I was doing most of the work...he would make me out to be a terrible person so I said, "I dont have anything more to give so if youre not satisfied with me and you feel mistreated, I will bow out gracefully because I just want you to be happy even if its without me" He still deemed it as abandoning him.
I told him about my boundaries and he said to me that I’m too rigid and it’s better if I relax and trust more!! Later on, he called me selfish and controlling… and finally when I told him very politely that it doesn’t seem like this relationship would work, he snapped, a WAR! All happened in over two months.
Thank you, Jimmy, for this valuable upload! When I replace “narcissist” with “people with toxic behavior patterns”, this highly resonates with my experiences. Toxic childhood conditioning is a killer. I have doubted myself a lot as I attracted quite a few of that species in my life, making me question my sanity and worth. It took a long time before I started to set, enforce and live by my boundaries.
I stated my number one boundary - no cheating-from the very beginning. After 7 years we decided to split and I’m hearing he was cheating the whole time 😢
Very powerful words. I don’t believe this was a coincidence that your message came up on my feed today. Thank you. Years of accepting love breadcrumbs (started in my childhood) through my 36 years of marriage. It’s decision making time on my terms.
This is far beyond just dating, this is friends, family - all of it. We get locked into a cycle and you can walk away from a date, family is around to poison relationships for life.
Also if youre a single parent your children should be safe and loved not neglected for anyone, not allowing them zo be abusive to you or your children. Children have boundaries too. Lets never forget this.
Being authentic and respecting yourself deep within. A narc can't fight with someone who won't argue about things. They can't get under the skin of someone who doesn't see problems with themselves. That it's FINE if people don't like me-nobody HAS to. You can't stomp that thinking.
One thing the covert narcissist does is to act completely disinterested in anything about you. Constantly criticizing small things and boasting about their own things expecting to be elevated as special for their small things.
I finally realized my worth and what I give, do, and who I am in a relationship and left, went no contact. Nothing they can say or do will get me back, time to focus instead my studied, work, health, and peace of mind.
Yes, we do teach others how to treat us. Honor and value every aspect of who you are. First, know yourself, then live that knowingess in the world. Love is not weak. Real love for yourself is your super-power! Thanks to Jimmy for being a compassionate and wise man who cares about others.
1:071:22 👏🙌👌Any relationship can fail because of the lack of compatibility but how it fails tells us much about if we are dealing with a narcissist or not.
You are so spot on. My husband of 36 yrs. Is totally like this. He even admits that he does things to me on purpose. I said does it make you feel good knowing it hurts me, he said yes. I said Karma baby
I did discuss boundaries, children, and my ideas of a partnership marriage etc., before marriage and he agreed. After we married he stopped wearing his wedding ring, it had to be his way or the highway, and he started with the disrespectful, controlling behavior. That is what narcissists do. They pretend to be one thing but once they have you in a relationship, it is completely different.
Perfect timing. I did not know how to care for and about myself. I’m 56. I was programmed to be a victim which is an umbrella word. The pain is so severe it’s shocking and horrific.
Authenticity, boundary setting, and clear (straightforward) calm, kind communication: are all things Narcissists can't stand as you disengage and walk away❤🙏 Great video! Esp the part about boundaries = if they have an issue with them (even an eye-roll) = that's your cue! Exit stage left 👋
"Would you at least be willing to admit that if you had said what i heard, that was wrong." Dang. I needed to hear that. I will try to say that. Maybe it will go well. Maybe not. But it is a step forward. Thank you. We both love your content.
I spent YEARS desperately trying to please my oldest sister, having so much anxiety trying not to set her off, inevitably setting her off, and blaming myself. It was an uneven relationship because I played the role of the pathetic flying monkey desperate for any scraps of positive energy thrown my way, but also probably feeding off of the negative attention too, somehow. Once I began to get some self esteem and put up healthy boundaries she had no use for me. It really hurt, but then I realized, after a couple of years, that I was healing and my life was going better than it was when I was constantly struggling to please someone who couldn’t be pleased. She tried to get back into contact with me by lashing out, and when I didn’t respond positively to that as I had in the past, instantly cowering and begging to be accepted, she really snapped and began a hate campaign against me. She tried to position herself as the leader of the family, having events and then not inviting me. Honestly, it was kind of freeing to see pics of all of these people all together and realize I didn’t miss them. They all agreed that she was horrible, but what could they do? She was the one who held the event, after all. Impossible for them not to go, right? lol. She’s had the nerve of trying to lash out at me from time to time, saying horrible things, but I would rather have no family than be forced to hang out with an abusive person just to feel “included,” going home in tears like I did after every single family holiday back when I was under her thumb. No thanks ❤
Oh my god, I am dealing with this identical situation. Thank you for sharing, many narc stories are framed in the dynamics of romantic relationships but family members can cause the same grief. ❤ sending peace and positivity to you.
@@hb7580 yes family IS EVEN MORE DAMAGING.. Helping my 2 granddaughters, sisters ( 20, 21). Retired & helping them buy cars, groceries, eye glasses, clothes, house payments & diapers FOR OVER A YEAR...Then they told me that the oldest was getting married at my house but the reception was going to be 80 miles away. They discussed that I wouldn't like the restaurant so I could stay home & babysit...........😳
🎯 yes, they are jealous of the baby getting your attention and will covertly hurt their own children or not intervene when they need help as they want the child out of the way. I had to flee with the baby and a few carrier bags after this truth revealed itself. How niave I was , thank God for His mercy and Strength 🙏🏻
Making plans! "Why can't you be spontaneous? " I shoulda known from day 2 and before I moved out of my comfortable apartment. Once that happened, I was trapped.
Some narcissists will test you on 2-3 date as it happened to me becuse they want sex quick. So boundaries will make them ghost you, better early than ever. Narcs hate boundaries.
My ex was borderline on so much of this. He could say sorry, but he was highly reactive, gaslit me constantly, and made me feel like I couldn't express my needs or I would be punished. 9 years later, I'm healing but man, the consequences - financially, emotionally etc, were grim. I can't believe how long I was dreadfully unhappy and how hard I kept working to make it work.
All of this is so relatable. They get an ego boost from dominating you, and the more you try to stand up for yourself the greater the boost to their ego if they can break you down. It's abuse. Ignoring your boundaries and blaming you for their anger is abuse.
![Twenty One Pilots - The Line (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Audio]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/XCz7WUotXs8/mqdefault.jpg)
Your self-love has to be louder than your desire to be loved.
This is the one that trips us up the most. This should be your #1 priority always.
love that
That'll preach!
Yessss!!! ❤
I learned about this stuff long ago. They might have created new terms which is alarming because books that were written about this topic will be overlooked.
Don’t talk about your boundaries. Just set and hold them. Talking about them will only educate a narcissist on what your vulnerabilities are, and they will exploit and manipulate them.
I've found if I'm declaring my boundaries I'm either trying to control someone else's behavior or not taking responsibility for my own boundaries. Although the ultimate boundary is only allowing respectful and loving people in my life. 😊
How do you set a boundary without saying what the boundary is?
I agree. Don’t let them know because they will act like they can somehow dance around them and use a back door to get around them somehow. It inspires their creativity and gives them a challenge.
I will set my boundaries up front from now on just to catch them doing what you just said so I can leave them, knowing who they really are.
@danastrickland5215 Something as simple as DOING THE ACTION of not responding to texts from him or anyone for that matter after 9pm. Instead, of FIRST VERBALLY saying to him or her "I don't respond to texts I receive after 9pm". You can verbally say the boundary after the potential narcissist has seen you practice it in real time. Another example is you leaving, if he's 1 hour late for date. When he sees you weren't there when he finally arrived at the location, and contacts you, that is when you verbally state, AFTER you've demonstrated to him in action, that you don't wait for more than an hour for late dates.
Tell them a boundary and then sit back and watch them violate it on purpose
Omg! That's so true! I only had one with my ex and it was like he was plotting for quite some time how to break it and get away with it.
So so true. As soon as my boundaries were crossed I said bye bye. I caught him by surprise by ending it very early and I’m so glad I was unwilling to stay for it to escalate, it will only get worse the longer you stay, cut them off early.
@@cici77 it's as if they're studying us all the time. Initially I told my ex narc. what my ex husband had said to me years ago that made me know for sure it was over. So the narc, a few years later when we were arguing, used that, word for word. Creepy!
@@cyndimoring9389what was it? Can I use it lol
And then act surprised when we pull back and as if we did something to them, we're the evil ones... Make it make sense... 😅😂
"don't let anyone treat you in a way that you would never treat someone else."
That one made things more clear.
Yes!
Treat others like you want to be treated... Which means someone who cares for you will most times be doing this to you.
Love your neighbor AS you love yourself... You can only love others to the extent you love yourself.
It’s interesting how we have different standards for ourself than the ones we give out to others
@PaigeSqu
You don't know they wouldn't treat
someone else that way, I think they would.
@@sarahdarnell
I dont see many abusers follow that
@@ND-or5so it isn't about their standards, it is about our own.
''Mature people take accountability and learn and grow. Immature people find a way to blame their behavior on someone else.'' ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Deflection is what I see with my closest family. Not even thinking about how they make you feel…unimportant, shamed, and spiritually and mentally sick. I’ve noticed they never think about how their actions affect you…they only deflect because they literally don’t have the ability or insight to care about anyone other than themselves. I can stop beating my head against their brickwall. “I didn’t make you feel that way”…”nobody can make you feel ____. You’re doing that!” I tried to untangle that in my mind for years. The difference is…deflection is very different than introspection. They don’t care about how they make you feel.
@@annieplourde1110
Indeed. We are a common denominator in our relationships. Accepting ownership is emotional maturity .
Your Past Relationships Explained -Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
What Love Is Not-Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞
Why You Choose The Wrong People-Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Narcissists vs Avoidant's What Are The Differences And What Are The Similarities - Ken Reid podcast 🌞
Self Love To Self Healing - Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Take Back Your Life Own It! Sam Vaknin podcast ♥️
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic Families by Susan Forward
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Men That Can't Love by Stephen A Carter
She's Scared He's Scared by Stephen A Carter
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin -attachment styles
Facing Codependency by Pia Melody
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant ❤️
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman
The Language Of Emotions by Karla McLaren
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
The Body Keeps The Score Brain Mind And The Healing Of Trauma-Bessel Van Der Kolk
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships. It clarifies.
Are You The One For Me Knowing Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong by Barbara De Angelis
The 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver
“ if somebody doesn’t care about your boundaries, they don’t care about you” wow wise words
Indeed.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Very wise!!
A tip for anyone still feeling stuck in a relationship with a narc like I felt I was a few years back is this. Expose them in a very simple way. For example, I signed a 3 year lease on a house with mine earlier than I wanted to, then later realized he was toxic and broke up with him but he wouldn't let me out of the lease and he wouldn't leave the house because he still wanted to be together. He would rage at ke for HOURS for breaking up with him. I held firm and wouldn't get back together just to make him calm down and have some form of peace, so he would continued to throw massive fits and scream at me for hours. I bought a lock for my door but he still would break into my room and attack me for hours. One day I had the idea of pulling out my phone and recording him when he was in a rage. The first time I pulled out my phone and told him I would post the recording online for all his friends & family to see, he instantly stopped screaming, turned and started RUNNING in the opposite direction of me, up the stairs into his room. The second time, same thing, instantly stopped screaming and RAN, not walked, out the door. I never had to record a third time between he not only left me alone but 2 weeks later he found a new place because of his fear of being exposed was so intense. Start recording people!!!
Wow, wish I had known this. Thankfully NC for three years now.
They can’t stand to be shamed
Finally some actionable advice from someone. Amazing
Careful. This move got me attacked and my phone taken. How are you going to call police if they take your phone?
@@bethanywilks1097 Sometimes we are unconsciously committed to being victims. Meaning we might consistently find excuses for why we "can't" get out. There is always a solution but for some we don't always see it because being a victim is all we knew/know and where we subconsciously feel most comfortable. It can be a scary thing to step into your own power. But I promise you there is always a solution. Cameras are cheap and designed small to be hidden. Or even if you have an old phone laying around (I have at least 2) then use an old one to record while having 911 on speed dial on your current phone. If he tries to attack you help will be on the way and he gets to go to jail. My ex mostly raged at me in my room after I got off of work, but he would also follow me around everywhere raging if I tried to leave my room. Sometimes I'd lock myself in the bathroom and he'd just be screaming through the door. You can totally record that and call the police at the same time. And this may sound silly that I didn't know this but I found out later that screaming is considered domestic violence, you can call the cops simply for him screaming at you, you don't have to sit there and take his verbal tantrums or wait until he hits you to call the police. If you're not trapped in a lease, have your own income and source of living, or maybe you don't have it together financially yet but have family or someone to stay with just get out asap
Its really hard when you get to a stalemate and you try to start a peaceful conversation and then they will put something in the conversation to piss you off. Its so hard to communicate with out being tripped.
Oh boy do I know this subtle and sly trick that has been used on me more times than I'd like to admit.The way it happens is so under the radar and before you know it, you are hearing words full of disrespect and shaming. Which feels like your head is spinning as your trying to understand WTF just happened. So NO, any ideas about having a conversation so you do talk about WTF just happened is what that other person is deadly afraid of. That conversation is the golden ticket and the narcissist ego destruction. There are many layers to the N and that's what they are afraid of. That you will understand how very frail they truly are. No one can help then and it is what it is and you can only control yourself. In the end you learn what it is you are dealing with and ya just let it be and not respond to the BS when it shows up.😂
Best protection against narcissists (speaking from too much experience unfortunately) is being a mentally strong person with a strong personality, strong boundaries, a strong sense of purpose and belief in yourself. Even then some narcissists may view you as a challenge but they will usually give up pretty easily if you keep your focus on yourself - in a healthy way. Narcissists want people who will focus on THEM - not themselves. The best safety against allowing narcissists to get too close to you is to actually radically care about your own wellbeing 😇
They do as I’m super strong!!!💪 😂🤦♀️🤦♀️
Thanks as that is what I’m doing! ❤🙏🙏. God helps us as we deserve to be happy!!
Facts!
Yes!
Absolutely!!! After experiencing this for many years, I am just learning this tactic now! I had severe self esteem issues growing up and that's how this monster entered my life. But through the trials & tribulations I have learned to be stronger each day!
Best relationship boundary with a narcissist, to NOT have a relationship.
I AGREE!
Amen❤
🎯🎯🎯
Well put and well said 🙏
Yep 🎉
Thank you! Healing from a 32 year marriage with a very charming covert narcissist. Your videos have shown me what real relationships should look and feel like. Thank you so very much.
Well done, Jimmy. I wish narcissism education had been available when I was selecting my first husband. And, my second. Thank you for spelling this out for people, who still may not be aware they're involved with a narcissist. I wish you every happiness.
I understand, 28 years myself. Wishing you lots of love and sending you warm hugs. We will get through this process.
Mine was 24 yrs and two brats who turned out just like him
@@kathysamson5691 thank you. Presently In trauma therapy for PTSD, Abandonment and Betrayal trauma. Really tough road that I never dreamed I’d be on. Leaning into Jesus and holding onto hope for my future.
@@CH56786 oh no. I’m so sorry for your experience also. My daughter is also married to a narcissist and she is losing herself and becoming an extension of him. Terrible for our relationship and my relationship with my two very young granddaughters. It’s so sad to watch. I pray that God will shine his light on her situation and my daughter will be able to see the mask before too much damage is done. Wishing you health and happiness on your journey.
"They use control as a substitute for connection." Never heard it stated so perfectly!
Gaslighting is very subtle. Dangerous.
It can even be done with nothing but a tone of voice…pretending to cover the misdeeds they did to you. They know, but they’ll act as if you’re the one reading too much into things. They’re testing you. To see how much you’ll take.
That's why It is so important to review from time to time to whom we give our confident.
To add...if someone calls you names during a fight or demeans you in any way, that's their way of showing how capable they are of being disrespectful. It won't change. Run.
yep
It depends… if they call you “awful”, ask them to be specific. Maybe you are being awful, maybe you aren’t. But, until you ask for clarification, you won’t know. If they’re saying “you’re awful bc you don’t just stop what you’re doing to serve them and their needs, then the statement has no bearings. But if you’re enforcing your will on them, then maybe it does. Maybe they’re really bad at communicating so the only thing they are capable of saying is “you’re awful”.
Yes and sometimes when you have to deal with years of emotional and physical abuse, the abused partner picks up traits from the narc. It happened to me. My husband belittled and talked rude to me after we got married. I put up with it for years... And then, i began insulting him back. What did he begin telling me? Haha!!... He said "You are so mean! You are a horrible fkd up person you need therapy!" Omg seriously
Unfortunately it is very common in Asian cultures which supposedly takes pride on “filial piety” and “family ties”.
"Boundaries don't require them to agree with them for you to enforce them" This is empowerment gold.
Narcissist, takes your words, and turns them around to fit what they want you to be saying.
Exactly
Yes! This! They do not hear what you are saying. They twist it to suit themselves.
Yes, and many times they will do the exact same things they criticize you for! I know someone who interrupts a LOT & it's not even related to the same topic, like a 60 yr old man with no attn span. Yet when I simply agreed or asked a question to clarify something, he'd go into a rant about how much he disliked interrupting or say, "let me talk." Want to know what's worse than a narcissist? A drunk alcoholic narcissist! 😳😵💫🤦🏽♀️
100%!!!
Yeah, so true! I am in a relationship with a narc! I am trying to get rid of it. I stopped talking. He is also not calling. He thinks I will eventually call. But I just want it to be over@@1974jashful
If a narcissist says sorry to you, they will plot to get you back
1. Talk about your boundaries. Pushes the wrong person away. Understand what you deserve and what relationship needs to be fulfilling and respectful.
2. Do not trust who lack accountability.
3. Vulnerable with you. Safe enough to be curious about each other lives/love. Take things slowly in the beginning.
4. Genuine empathy as a skill. Learn when it’s time to leave(doesn’t care about how their behaviour affects you, abuses you, neglectful, demeans, blame, gaslights, dismissive). Doesn’t have capacity to love.
Look for honest, consistent with actions and words, repair conflicts with you, not confused all the time, desire to be safe place to be honest. Become person who stands up for themselves, who doesn’t need saving, advocate for legitimate needs and boundaries, desires respectfully , knows their worth and value, treats others with kindness, respect, consideration and understand its reciprocated in their relationship otherwise it won’t happen.
💯💯💯
Thank you
Note to my self: IF I ever go to another family reunion, I will have my own lodging, and my own vehicle available to me 100 percent of the time.
that's what they teach in 12-step programs re: family.. Good for you!
Absolutely! That's my strategy too! ❤️
100%
Or, like I did, I just quietly opted out. My trauma-bonded husband went solo. Best decision of my life. Almost 2 years ago we both went No Contact from hubby’s NARC Cult family. Sadly he found out they didn’t have his back. I’m quite sure they never expected their scapegoats to grow a backbone. 🤷🏻♀️ Silence truly is golden.
💯 % agree with you. I can't completely opt out (I have a teen nephew who needs to be able to experience other ways to build relationships), but a few months ago, and for the first time in decades, I decided I'd have my own lodging otherwise I would not go see them. It's been difficult because in my culture (and actually also in my personal view - when a family is NOT dysfunctional) when you go back to your hometown it's obvious you are hosted in your parents' home or one of your relatives'. So my decision was taken as a really bizarre one, because my narcissistic sibling has many enablers and because I'm the first of the family who's trying to break the cycle... But it was a decision worth making, because I didn't have to stay with them when I didn't want to, I didn't have to witness/suffer their abuses and be a silent accomplice to situations I can't possibly change. I had another place to go, in a different area, and - bonus - I gave myself the opportunity to reclaim my hometown, to go wandering, filling my eyes with beauty, while for many years I'd go back home just to be sucked in a whirlpool of misery for the few days of my stay. The healing process is in progress, we're all on a journey. It's not easy but I feel the online community (here and on Dr Ramani's channel) is helping me a lot. Thank you all, let's all stay strong and grounded in our healing journey 🏵️
Make this a rule for going anywhere, especially if you cannot Uber home from there. Cover your a$$. It’s worth it.
Boundaries are MAGIC. Setting standards and holding space for respect of self is sooooo important. Boundaries make healthy people feel really safe. When someone responds badly to a boundary it is a GOLDEN clue.
I'm now put off by men who are very enthusiastic about me very quickly, who lovebomb me and really step on the gas. If you have no experience or are needy, you can think that's 'real love' - in adult eyes it's just 'absurd'. If you don't know me, you can't love me, can you?
Personally, I don't care what makes men tick - even co-dependent people can lovebomb you. None of this works for me. I want a mentally and emotionally mature man by my side - or I'd rather be alone.
And yes - setting boundaries separates the wheat from the chaff.
You can't change anyone. I've stopped trying to change men. They are how they appear to me, and that's that. There's nothing more to know. The only question is: Is this good for me? Do I feel strong, safe and beautiful with this man? If no, I know what to do.
Edit: I don't know how it is in the US, but here in Europe the use of swear words in a relationship is rather unacceptable. Nothing where you take a deep breath for 10 minutes and then move on. For me, the fact of being called swear words would be a reason to break up, not an annoying detail.
Same. I am in USA and the use of put downs or swear words is a reason to break up.
My ex narc called me the C word once, after I cut him out of my life, he crawled back months later... Sure enough, he called me the same word after promising on his kids life he never would again 👀 These parasites have zero morals or class. And yes, I dumped the creep for good 🌻
Grew up with a narcissistic mother, divorced a narcissistic wife. Recently came in contact with the person who wanted to be my friend and this guy did the equivalent of friendship love bombing. This time I understood what was happening and that explaining it to them would be worse than useless because they would just use it to make me feel like shit for not wanting to hang out with them. I don't trust him. When I explained that I was busy and needed my space, he pushed harder. I now understand that it is not just my right, but it is my healthy obligation to myself. Thanks for your support.
Gosh! I feel like I attract these people...well, not anymore. I learned their tricks
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Be smarter & stronger than these creeps.
I found a MASSIVE tool to practice when I was confused and had low self worth.
I noticed in therapy that my (now ex) wife would behave drastically different in therapy than at home alone with her. It was as if she was a different person, i jokingly thought to myself things would be fine if we had a therapist as a roommate.
The tool was that I started recording our conversations (video & audio) because i wanted to demonstrate this difference to the therapist. She lost her mind when I started doing this. Blamed me for trying to manipulate other people to believing that she was a horrible person. My response was that the only thing I would be recording was how she behaved. So there was nothing to be embarrassed about but her behaviour. And furthermore if she didn't want anyone to see how she behaved behind closed doors, then why was she behaving that way, and why was it ok to treat me that way.
She escalated further, but I gained a great deal of clarity from her apprehension towards being recorded. Recording someone is archiving accountability.
Classic sign of a narcissistic relationship, feeling the need to actually tape a conversation because what they say is not what they admit to later ("I never said that!"). Sadly enough, the unreality of the gaslighting behavior definitely makes sense to record them. These people are just so awful -
This is where I’m at. He found out I was recording and took my phone and deleted everything. Then told his whole family I’m trying to set him up to get him in trouble.
@@Wellwouldyalookatthat yup, that happens. Turns out reputation sabotage is a last minute attempt for control when they realize that you are getting wise. Its an attempt to discredit you before you have a chance to expose their behavior.
Good news for you is that means that you are developing the awareness needed for a healthy relationship. Basically behavior carries more weight than words. It might be difficult, but moving forward, try not to get pulled into sabotaging their reputation nor getting defensive about what they say about you.
People who really know you and care about you won't be swayed by rumor milling. And those who are, or who judge you based on what someone else says about you rather than your actions & behavior, weren't really that invested in you in the first place.
If you find yourself confused by their words (or twisting of words) try to remind yourself that you matter. And people who matter don't deserve to be treated as such.
@@Trooperuss thank you. I originally started recording because I thought maybe I was losing my mind in remembering things differently than he was telling me. Turns out I wasn’t. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I’ve lost my entire network of friends but I have a big family who are super supportive and trying to help. Hard to reach out when under constant surveillance. Cameras gps checking phone records. But I’m figuring it out, some how still hoping for the man I had a child with to return but I’m convinced he was never that man in reality. I can’t believe this is my life now
@@Wellwouldyalookatthat
Good for you for confirming your own sanity.
Do you know that you never need to hide nor justify wanting to reach out to people you feel safe with or who care about you? You are worthy of feeling safe, and of having clarity.
Rather than hoping he will return to being who you were initially attracted to, perhaps it is more productive to ask yourself which is more true:
1. Has he changed?
2. Have you evolved, and are now more aware of unhealthy behavior, that you were previously naive about?
Sounds like you already know the answer.
This is not your life!
This is a moment in time. A clarifying moment. A starting point on the GPS path to your destination. You know, that where you are isn't where you want to be. That's a great start.
You may need to get someplace where you feel safe, free from being watched like a prisoner. Free from being responsible for someone else's happiness. So you have room to breathe.
So you can become crystal clear on the relationship you desire.
Once you know what the relationship you desire looks, and more importantly feels like, then the choices you make for yourself moving forward will be as clear as a GPS telling you the next turn.
Hope this was helpful. This reply was all really just a summation of what worked for me, wasn't insinuating that I know what you need.
You are doing extremely well. The fact that you are finding content such as this, means you are evolving. Keep going, and the relationship that is worthy of you will find you. Regardless of who it is with.
P.S. Meditation, first thing in the morning with the intent of quieting the mind chatter for just 20min, helped me find clarity from the absence of negative thoughts.
I can absolutely testify of the power of setting boundaries. In dating the man who is now my husband, we set all sorts of boundaries to protect our relationship. Neither of us wanted to engage in any sexual relations outside of marriage, and so I thought a curfew was wise. And he helped me stick with it, even when it was hard. And he always respected my body and person. The way a man touches you is very indicative of his respect for you, and I saw that he never touched me in ways that were inappropriate or sexual. Now, 4 years of marriage later, I am grateful for this absolutely wonderful man in my life!:). He is a loving father and devoted husband, and I am so grateful we set those boundaries that helped us draw even closer together.
How wonderful for you!
I’m wondering then, if your relationship with your husband is as you indicate, why are you listening to this video?
I’m here b/c I wish to learn more about myself and how I fell vulnerable to allowing a narcissist into my life.
Probably for the same reason I watch most other RUclips videos...It showed up and looked interesting 😅.
Now, the reason I took the time to share my personal experience is because I feel that we are trained in society to feel like we can't set boundaries, and I wanted to add my own witness that what Jimmy was saying about boundaries was true. Regarding your own personal experience, you need to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I am sure you have a heart full of love. Unfortunately, abusers (and narcissists) use the genuine care of others to manipulate them. That's where boundaries are so powerful, especially up front; don't waste a single minute with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or treat you or your person with respect.
Love and prayers for you, dear friend. I hope you find the happiness and healing you are searching for.
You are worthy of it.
This is such a wonderful and happy story. I hope more men like your husband exist where we can share values!
Good for you if it is mutual! My wife also set boundaries about our sexual relationship with her and I tried to respect that and give her time and space. It went to a point where I noticed that my sexual needs are not met and whenever I brought that up I've been blamed of being sexual and devaluing love down to sexual activity. She thinks, the way she wants it, is enough. But it ended up to my resentment and after 15 years of marriage I came to a point that I am revising my relationship.
Don’t think a narcissist is able to listen to this very deep talk! You’re wasting your breath because they have no empathy. They are not your project , your only option is to RUN! They don’t understand boundaries and will never know how to respect them. Stop caring! Stop explaining! Stop 🛑! Leave!
I am 74 and just learned about 'taking care of myself'.. I always thought it meant being independent.
😢 sending love and light
Exactly me, too, only I'm 71.
Im 31 and my nana is 75 and shes been a victim of her time and horrible childhood her mother abandoned her and beat her she then had marry her abuser and then had a stillborn due to him terrorising her mentally and in every other area you can think of(in the 60s scotland) 100% narc my grandfather, but he reaped what he sowed in the end dying alone and his last days afraid.
I listen to all the older women around me realising, due to trauma bonds and living in times where women had it much harder with almost next to no choice😢 and their own families dysfunctional attitudes. And societal condtioning to be damned if you do or damned if you dont as a woman.
I sit and think of how i feel at 31 realising about self care and that i am never going to accept the unacceptable again. Narc abuse has driven me to suicde in the past.
I am in utter respect for you ladies and gents and them. At finding yourself in your 70s and beyond. I wish lots of healing 🎉 your way and i hope yous get inner peace and a sense of safety and contentment❤ you deserve to have that in your life.
I couldnt have lasted to my 70s with my abuser i salute you for being such strong people ❤
@@fairy12324
❤️🕊💜🕊
I am 77 years old. And right now about to get away. Thanks to some wonderful friends who love me & understand what I have put up with all these years.
I am so thankful for all these RUclips videos that having given me knowledge as to what has been going on all these years.
Getting out while I still have my sanity.
My Mom married a full-blown narcissist recently. Sometimes I work with him and I never let him get away with anything. I hold him accountable and he hates it
pls keep this up on behalf of those who have been abused by these people👏👏
...beware of the exhaustion that comes when silence becomes the main choice for survival in these types of relationships...Be gentle as a dove and wiser than the serpent...Boundaries are for You...and the other...🙏💪🙏
It is so, so vital to hear a MAN deliver this message and bolster the good work of female counselors spreading this message. Thank you!! 🙂
Yes!!!❤
I've just had another experience with a co-worker who totally disrespected me, bullied, and acted in a very aggressive way. It's a part time job, no real income from it, but I enjoy the time spent in serving the public. I refused to respond to this bad behavior. SO, I talked to the owner and ask for different days to work. Explained the situation with the co worker
Have learned from the past not to argue, it's a no win situation. The owner agreed, and apologized for the person, with I told him was not necessary, this was for her to do. I refuse to he disrespected, critizied and bullied. I am worth being respected and valued. Thank you!
I'm going through similar with my line manager, I can empathise with you, and I am 100% certain my manager will never access this video and see my comment!
I've heard: "I'm sorry," quite often.
But time told me that's just what needed to be said to obtain the desired reaction.
Yep. Narcissists are never truly sorry.
@@annwallace3441 I think they are... They just never Authentically Apologize 😉
"I'm sorry" can totally be a manipulation. My son's dad always took the blame in order to reel me back in.
It’s not an apology unless they try to make it up to you.
@@freezo244 How would you have them make it up to you?
Described my Ex and my mother! I had to take a deep look at myself to see why I ended up in an abusive relationship. Just because something's familiar, doesn't mean it's safe!
Familiar does not mean normal :-)
They don't always rage and explode. Coverts are passive aggressive and give silent treatment to punish you for calling them out
Id love Jimmy to talk about this type of narcissist…my partner stares at me while I unload all my pent up emotions grunts something in the end and then never changes..after 35 years I’ve had enough. He won’t leave either. He’s been on the couch for over 2 years now
@@carolynsboutiquesooke9568 if you're dealing with a true narcissist no it never changes.
My mom goes in and out of both of them. Here lately it's been the silent treatment. Many years prior it was yelling and screaming. Good, please give me silent treatment for rest of my life.
@@Puppylove82-gv3gm both are awful
Jimmy, you have helped me heal from lifelong trauma. Thank you. I'm 78 years old and can now (finally) understand my childhood misery from my father, my failed marriage to a narcissist husband, and my slowly distancing relationship to my son. You have blessed me beyond words. (note: I looked at this statement and immediately thought I must be to blame for these failed relationships, since I am the common factor.... then smiled and finished the post.)
Oh, sister! I'm 77.5 and going through exactly your examples, except my parents finally got my son away from me, when he turned 17, after two court battles.
ALL my subsequent male 'choices' were predicated on my wanting dad to love me, a state of being in which I was always beaten, sexually abused, mentally and emotionally destroyed. I stopped it all at 40 and I've chosen to live alone (went into dog-car rescue) for the next nearly 40 years.
There was no going back. My mother did ask me to forgive her 11 months' before she died. Dad died a very inglorious death and his parting shot at me several years' before was that I was the kreep. I was 50! I just replied, "No. I am not."
He was a bad, bad man. I was not glad he was dead, but I was glad he was dead.
My son is now 57.5 and I've not seen him or spoken to him, since his grandfather died. I've long since stopped crying--and I'm better off for it. This is one heaven of a time to begin getting a lifetime of regret right, but I'll take and hang on to whatever is left. It is a far better thing I do, now, than lose it all.
GOD Bless you and Shalom. --jana, sun antonio, tejas
(ps--both my parents were distantly and abusively raised. Dad's dad was cruelty personified, even unto my brother and me. I WAS glad when grampa died. Couldn't have happened to a 'better' man. All part of The Sins of the Generations...)
THIS should be the most shared video on the internet.
I have stated my boundaries around people right away. They played me. They pretended to respect my boundaries and crossed them later harming me. I'm not giving details,, but predators are experts at pretending they care in the beginning,
Damn... So what is the solution 😵💫
Don't talk about your boundaries. That's your secret. Observe how their character is without giving them a marking sheet@@Nerine98
. If I wasn't in shock for a few hours, I would've called the police. He was scary and my friends and family guided me through.
You're so right.
@@Nerine98yea, this is disheartening to hear😢
maybe we can try setting up a few boundaries that are so tiny but very relevant to everyday life.
maybe even slightly inconvenient or annoying. nothing harmful just confusing.
like idk.... i only hold hands with my right hand. lol
if they mock or try to cross it bcs "its not a big deal" then boom.
i'm autistic with a special interest in psychology & have trained as a counsellor (lol child neglect and abuse survivor prior to dv by a narc) and I "called out" my narcissist abuser in extraordinary detail while maintaining neutrality, and while it was kryptonite for a moment, and he did breakdown crying, he just spun it back into "THIS is why we are meant for each other, no one has ever SEEN ME like you do" and then he proceeded to call EVERY ADULT FAMILY MEMBER OF HIS on speaker and tell them that he was in love with the most amazing woman in the world and just go on and on about how amazing I was. It was surreal and even after the lovebombing and soul mate stuff it was wildly over the top, so you might be able to confront a narcissist with the truth but they are still a narcissist and they will move forward from that call out just like they move forward from everything - with only their own interest in mind of how to CONTROL the situation.
His List of what repels a narcissist/toxic person:
0:42 1. Talk about your boundaries
7:34 2. Hold them accountable
12:56 3. Vulnerability on both sides
16:49 4. Genuine Empathy
PS: I absolutely HATE when people (mostly guys) don't apologize for their behavior but for "the way I'm feeling about it"! 😅
Makes me go full she hulk!
It delegitimizes your reaction. That sucks.
I told a man I’d been dating only briefly that I wouldn’t sleep with him if he was sleeping with other people. He was actually a very good communicator and well-practiced at being able to talk about things many other men would shy away from. So I felt safe creating this boundary with him. And he graciously wasn’t interested in that arrangement. It was a little awkward, but we parted ways very amicably. And it was such a good experience for me. Now I have no trouble expressing such things early on. I am not interested in casual relationships, and now I don’t waste any time or effort on men that aren’t interested in what I’m looking for. I truly respect that man and have no judgment about his dating preferences. And our open conversation was proof that men that know how to communicate and be respectful do very much exist.
And that there are men who can be honest and succumb tobinstabt gratification regarding women bc he could have lied to you, like some males do, and said he's NOT sleeping with anyone else, so he could sleep with you. But instead he was honest with you and respected your standards.😊
@@rosej5029I know! I thought the same thing!
They are the first one that is surprised when you leave. And they do move on quickly.
Sad for the next in line but good for me!
Another thing narcissists do is look at you as an inanimate object, so if a plastic cup is cracked or broken it gets thrown out, that is how they see people, that is how they treat people when and especially if they find a new supply for their mountain-sized ego. Yet they find it difficult to be alone/single and not getting constant praise. They very much care how things "look" to others this matters to them a lot. They are also not very kind to animals and often neglect their children at home or are only pleasant when their child accomplishes something "superficial."
Edit: will add that of course there are levels to this and not 100% of narcissists are exactly the same, but thwse are just some of the things to look out for.
Not all are superficial but the overt ones are!
So True, my Ex Narc would act like he was interested in the children Activities, but he always made up an excuse to be busy.
Not all of them dislike animals, especially their own
@Nerine98 Definitely not all and of course there is a spectrum and there are levels to each individual.
@archerandthemouse they mighr like the attention but unfortunately ive seen many neglect thwir pets and ive know of a few who even huet their animals when they were "annoyed" but you are right there are levels to it and not all treat their pets badly. Thats just one thing to look put for.
I have a friend who is going through a divorce after 36 years. I remember a few red flags from early in their relationship. Once, he was sitting behind her when she was driving on the highway. She accidentally left the turn signal on, and he became so irritated with her that he yelled and kicked her through the back of the driver's seat. Mind you, she didn't tell me about this. I was in the car with them, and I saw it first hand. I could never imagine putting up with such an abusive stunt. This wasn't the only incident I witnessed either. Imagine how much worse he probably behaved when others weren't watching. How I wish I had asked her about it or offered to help at the time.
Got damn right! 💯💯 The BEST defense against a narcissist is loving yourself/your boundaries! ❤️❤️💯💯💯💯💯
And getting the hell away from them
Sometimes narcissists take a lot of time to reveal their true colors. I knew a co worker for 30 years and considered him a friend. BUt the moment he became my boss his entire personality changed. When I did a little forensic work I realized that he had never had anything good to say about anyone we both knew. Including his wife. And his daughter. I called our producer and told him 'I cannot allow myself to be managed by anyone who cant manage themselves'. I didn't quit, I just didn't respond to his rage texts and messages. I eventually worked out a deal with the producer who paid me thru the end of my contract. I'll never speak to my former 'friend' again. I did run into him once and I looked right through him as if he wasnt' there. Because for me he never was.
Another thing I've found to detect them before they switch is they're obsessed with dodging blame.
People pleasers are also obsessed with blame but they're trying to take all the blame, even if their not at fault.
This is so true. How people behave, when they are given a position of power, shows who they truly are.
I, unfortunately, share a child with the narcissist in my life. He moved 3,000 miles away when he found out I was pregnant, so I thankfully don't have to deal with him very often. But the times I do are less anxiety filled thanks to videos like this.
As hard as it is to be left, the lucky ones are the ones left by the narcissist! You definitely don’t want them to hang around!
@StellarHeron So true. It's bittersweet in terms of our child, but then I think of the chaos our lives would have been if he were still local. Yikes! I count my blessings!
It takes a lot of planning and thought to protect your child from a narcissist's manipulation. Even if they don't want responsibility now, as the child gets older, the narcissist may be plotting to train them or use them at some point, or poison them against you. Keep records, get them a counselor in advance.
@Rickettsia505 no need mine died.
@@lilc5353 🤣🥰 a good reason to celebrate 🎉
Control control control ... they can't stand people who are not submissive and then they despise you if you are submissive !. Such a good video . Thank you for the support.
One can speak to accountability all they want but if they are empty words, then it's time to go back to the drawing board. Truly narcissistic behavior is by definition unaccountable.
Well, if you say you won't accept something, it's up to you to refuse it, even if that means leaving the relationship. The narcissist will always try to get their way, no matter what the other person says.
I literally had an ex tell me, “I don’t need you to hold me accountable.” And that was the final nail in the coffin.
“You can’t demand to be valued by someone who only cares about themself. “ …truth. Codependent no more. Great video!!!! Thank you!!!
Are you taking money from him for alimony or child support? Are you taking money from anyone else? As long as you’re paying your way, then you can claim that, but what I’ve seen is that women want the financial support of other people without having to provide any emotional support.
@@samuelpayne5460 my husband is my best friend. I love him with all my heart and we are best friends. It’s my sister’s friendship that I lost due to her being a narcissist. I love her still and have been releasing her.
I told my 46yo brother I know he's a narcissist last september and I haven't heard much from him since. It's bliss 😂
I’ve wondered if I should do that to create permanent space, or if it would enrage him. I’m worried he could be vindictive!
Wonderful, isn’t it? The hilarious part? They think THEY are punishing YOU with their absence! 😂
@@bestywiggins1843 ha!
I'm in awe.😲 Such an accurate description of my relationship. No support in hard times, on the contrary, blaming and shaming me, cornering me and forcing me to over react only to be able then to call me crazy.
I talked about my boundaries, I talked about my trauma. She used my trauma against me and violated my boundaries anyway.
The point is to get away after that. It does not change them. It tells you who they are, so you can get away
Yeap…
They're masters at using your traumatic experiences against you. They're soul sucking parasites!
The advice in the video is bad advice unless you can give firm consequences for transgressions I.e. completely cutting contact and they can't reach you.
Narcissists can't do anything with the information out of the goodness of their heart. Unfortunately they are parasitic and only respond to consequences.
The point is that if she/he tries to break your stated boundaries, then you know they are toxic and to get out!
Wish I knew this in my twenties now.almost 60 and it all makes sense my gut was always right can't believe these people exist 😢
The moment I realized I can’t fix the narc in my life, that’s when the guilt stopped controlling me. Keeping my distance now, and it’s a very healthy thing.
Talking about your boundaries is meaningless to a narcissist. They have no boundaries and totally disregard your input.
Bravo!🎉🎉🎉🎉 If your high moral standards push somebody away... Throw yourself a party... You've just saved yourself from a lot of pain and regret❤❤❤❤
If someone calls me names or yells at me, we are immediately done....not coming back in 30 minutes, going to be 30 minutes down the road.
The narcissist in my life is my mom, and my brother is married to one so he's now whatever version of one a victim turns into after 24 years. I'm a late bloomer in "choosing me" and creating boundaries. After a single instance two months ago with my first time ever speaking to my brother about boundaries ("I am interested in having mutually respectful conversations and I'm on board when my input is included, welcomed, respected. I'm no longer willing to participate in non-productive conversations, which is when I'm treated with disdain and contempt both verbally and in non-verbal communication, when I'm cut off mid sentence and not allowed to finish, and when deflection off-topic goes into questioning or nit-picking and I'm pushed into defending mode over irrelevant little things such as why I parked in the place I parked."), he won't talk to me now. This is devastating to me. But I'm not going to rescind my new boundaries with him.
Since I'm so new to this, I'm completely lost in what I need to do for me when it comes to my mom...
Thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much... You are very much appreciated❤
Coming from a home where narcissism is present is a tough road. Have you thought about seeking therapy to help you navigate the path? Sometimes it helps to just have someone validate your feelings and remind you that the expectations and boundaries you have are not only reasonable, but necessary for your own mental health.
@@lilhawk81 Your words are appreciated - thank you. And thank you for 'reinforcing' my thoughts on therapy... I'm looking at finances now in rearranging some things so I can afford to do so. Hoping, also, I might find support group meetings, maybe, that may be a little bit less in cost?!
Sounds like going in no cotact could be a healthy option for you. All the best!
@@tnels5027 talk to your Dr and check public health sites - sometimes one can get group or short-term therapy on sliding scale to your income. Also, online options can offer the same without the added cost of taking time off work and travel. You can do this!
Narc mother, it affects your mental, emotional, pyscological, physical health, nervous system disregulation
Spent 58 years on repeat, until my body said no more! So I tried to have, relate in healthy ways, but to a narcissistic person, you can't be you, you can't be authentic, they covertly punish you, when you least expect it.
So exhausted, I walked away, full no contact, 9 months ago, it's a painful decision, she's elderly and last week needed help.
I ignored, didn't respond.
You grieving for someone , a mother who couldn't love you unconditionally as a child. A lost connection with most important person in your life.
Radical acceptance ❤
Absolutely! If we don’t let ourselves be controlled from the beginning, then narcissists won’t want us anyway
They stop being interested once they realize you aren’t able to be manipulated.
I talked about all the stuff....but it just teaches them what to hide
Great point and if they went to therapy!!!!! Oh my goodness ! An educated dark personality is dangerous!
@Portia620 truth, especially with academic/counsellor trained sociopath. They can literally turn tears on and off to manipulate you too.
Absolutely as that’s what my Ex husband seemed to do so well…. Split 4 years ago my life is still not even close to prior to meeting him and spending almost 10 years… Never ignore the red flags 🚩 they are definitely right in our face from the beginning we just have to be more honest with ourselves & run 🏃 in the opposite direction… I’ve tried dating but feel I’m damaged as I run as soon as I see something to familiar. It’s hard being on my own tho I constantly remind myself how awful it really was to be with that person and how sad & angry I was most of the time around him… He was only ever sorry when I called him out, then it was a rushed I’m sorry “but” always a but after a sorry… Only sorry he got caught
That’s TRUE
This has happened when i tried as well
Too often the narcs best pick is “hoping” they’ll be “picked” “chosen”!!! Start shopping for what YOU want! Get off the shelf!!!! Be the shopper!!!
When he projected on me and accused me of being a narcissist, that’s when I started really asking questions about who he really was.
Yes, this is my ex! Never shared and this is a huge red flag. Also their past is a mystery!
Just got out of a very short (thank God) time of dating someone. I knew, when a conflict arose and he became mean and accusatory, that I couldn’t live the rest of my life with someone like that. But you have helped me to see clearly the behaviors even before that that were signs I needed to get out. Thanks for your videos!
Narcissist or no narcissist, everybody will step on others if no boundaries are put
My dad was severely abusive and a narcissist. He charmed my mom and kept us all under his thumb. He passed away and I am free from his abuse. This is helping me avoid narcissistic relationship. You are the very few men I listen to and trust. Thank you!!
Hugs. I felt the same after my abusive father died.
Overextend, over function to the point of exhaustion. Making up for slack. Yupppppppp. Constant gaslighting. He loves to argue and push and push and push. He grew up with an angry father with bad habits. His mom let his father do whatever.
So many things in this video sound like my husband. I’m relieved that I’m not crazy in feeling unsafe around this. But also sad because well, now what? 😢😂
Thank you for this video. Eye-opening. Supportive.
This man is brilliant. Thank you for adding DO NOT STAND UP TO THEM, face to face is NOT the time.
This whole speech hit me very hard. This is top tier advice.
"If you don't have safety, honesty, connection....you don't have a relationship. You have the shell of what could be a partnership. You just have hope....and you deserve a heck of a lot more than hope."
Ooooooof......right in the guts
I love this, because this goes well beyond romantic relationships. It helps with any human connection, workplaces, Jones, acquaintances etc etc
The only person you owe your life to is yourself! ❤
Thank you for the video. Thats the route I took with my ex. He was always making it seem like I wasnt doing enough in the relationship although I was doing most of the work...he would make me out to be a terrible person so I said, "I dont have anything more to give so if youre not satisfied with me and you feel mistreated, I will bow out gracefully because I just want you to be happy even if its without me" He still deemed it as abandoning him.
@haneefah
That's how twisted they are....
NICE!
I told him about my boundaries and he said to me that I’m too rigid and it’s better if I relax and trust more!! Later on, he called me selfish and controlling… and finally when I told him very politely that it doesn’t seem like this relationship would work, he snapped, a WAR! All happened in over two months.
Thank you, Jimmy, for this valuable upload!
When I replace “narcissist” with “people with toxic behavior patterns”, this highly resonates with my experiences. Toxic childhood conditioning is a killer. I have doubted myself a lot as I attracted quite a few of that species in my life, making me question my sanity and worth. It took a long time before I started to set, enforce and live by my boundaries.
I stated my number one boundary - no cheating-from the very beginning. After 7 years we decided to split and I’m hearing he was cheating the whole time 😢
Very powerful words. I don’t believe this was a coincidence that your message came up on my feed today. Thank you. Years of accepting love breadcrumbs (started in my childhood) through my 36 years of marriage. It’s decision making time on my terms.
This is far beyond just dating, this is friends, family - all of it. We get locked into a cycle and you can walk away from a date, family is around to poison relationships for life.
Also if youre a single parent your children should be safe and loved not neglected for anyone, not allowing them zo be abusive to you or your children. Children have boundaries too. Lets never forget this.
Being authentic and respecting yourself deep within. A narc can't fight with someone who won't argue about things. They can't get under the skin of someone who doesn't see problems with themselves. That it's FINE if people don't like me-nobody HAS to. You can't stomp that thinking.
One thing the covert narcissist does is to act completely disinterested in anything about you. Constantly criticizing small things and boasting about their own things expecting to be elevated as special for their small things.
Better to don’t even engage. Run don’t walk.
I finally realized my worth and what I give, do, and who I am in a relationship and left, went no contact. Nothing they can say or do will get me back, time to focus instead my studied, work, health, and peace of mind.
Yes, we do teach others how to treat us. Honor and value every aspect of who you are. First, know yourself, then live that knowingess in the world. Love is not weak. Real love for yourself is your super-power! Thanks to Jimmy for being a compassionate and wise man who cares about others.
1:07 1:22 👏🙌👌Any relationship can fail because of the lack of compatibility but how it fails tells us much about if we are dealing with a narcissist or not.
You are so spot on. My husband of 36 yrs. Is totally like this. He even admits that he does things to me on purpose. I said does it make you feel good knowing it hurts me, he said yes. I said Karma baby
That’s mildly terrifying!
One of the best videos I have seen on Narcissism. I have watched over 100 of them at this point, I think. This really helped, thank you.
the absolute worst part of dealing with a narc is not truly knowing what a narc is, or how they operate.
Actions are not words. So grateful for these helpful tips.
Thank you
All of this….. yes! Taking anything “new” in a super slow manner while looking for genuine empathy will give you clear perspective over time.
I did discuss boundaries, children, and my ideas of a partnership marriage etc., before marriage and he agreed. After we married he stopped wearing his wedding ring, it had to be his way or the highway, and he started with the disrespectful, controlling behavior. That is what narcissists do. They pretend to be one thing but once they have you in a relationship, it is completely different.
Perfect timing.
I did not know how to care for and about myself. I’m 56.
I was programmed to be a victim which is an umbrella word.
The pain is so severe it’s shocking and horrific.
Authenticity, boundary setting, and clear (straightforward) calm, kind communication: are all things Narcissists can't stand as you disengage and walk away❤🙏
Great video! Esp the part about boundaries = if they have an issue with them (even an eye-roll) = that's your cue! Exit stage left 👋
7:19 “ how much access of myself am I giving to this person and do they deserve more or less based on their actions”
This question is crucial!
"Would you at least be willing to admit that if you had said what i heard, that was wrong."
Dang. I needed to hear that. I will try to say that. Maybe it will go well. Maybe not. But it is a step forward.
Thank you.
We both love your content.
I spent YEARS desperately trying to please my oldest sister, having so much anxiety trying not to set her off, inevitably setting her off, and blaming myself. It was an uneven relationship because I played the role of the pathetic flying monkey desperate for any scraps of positive energy thrown my way, but also probably feeding off of the negative attention too, somehow. Once I began to get some self esteem and put up healthy boundaries she had no use for me. It really hurt, but then I realized, after a couple of years, that I was healing and my life was going better than it was when I was constantly struggling to please someone who couldn’t be pleased. She tried to get back into contact with me by lashing out, and when I didn’t respond positively to that as I had in the past, instantly cowering and begging to be accepted, she really snapped and began a hate campaign against me. She tried to position herself as the leader of the family, having events and then not inviting me. Honestly, it was kind of freeing to see pics of all of these people all together and realize I didn’t miss them. They all agreed that she was horrible, but what could they do? She was the one who held the event, after all. Impossible for them not to go, right? lol. She’s had the nerve of trying to lash out at me from time to time, saying horrible things, but I would rather have no family than be forced to hang out with an abusive person just to feel “included,” going home in tears like I did after every single family holiday back when I was under her thumb. No thanks ❤
Going back is like Stockholm Syndrome.
Oh my god, I am dealing with this identical situation. Thank you for sharing, many narc stories are framed in the dynamics of romantic relationships but family members can cause the same grief. ❤ sending peace and positivity to you.
@@hb7580 yes family IS EVEN MORE DAMAGING.. Helping my 2 granddaughters, sisters ( 20, 21). Retired & helping them buy cars, groceries, eye glasses, clothes, house payments & diapers FOR OVER A YEAR...Then they told me that the oldest was getting married at my house but the reception was going to be 80 miles away. They discussed that I wouldn't like the restaurant so I could stay home & babysit...........😳
I talked about my boundaries with my husband before we got married. When I got pregnant everything changed with him.
🎯 yes, they are jealous of the baby getting your attention and will covertly hurt their own children or not intervene when they need help as they want the child out of the way. I had to flee with the baby and a few carrier bags after this truth revealed itself. How niave I was , thank God for His mercy and Strength 🙏🏻
Making plans! "Why can't you be spontaneous? " I shoulda known from day 2 and before I moved out of my comfortable apartment. Once that happened, I was trapped.
I'm good now. It WAS 30+ years of drama and trauma.
Some narcissists will test you on 2-3 date as it happened to me becuse they want sex quick. So boundaries will make them ghost you, better early than ever. Narcs hate boundaries.
Yes exactly 💯
Amen. Better to lose them in the beginning than after 20 years and 2 kids.
I want sex on the first date lol I’m not a narc I just want sex
Or they want sex quickly to determine if you are sexually compatible or not. No chemistry, no romance
So true. They will pressure you to have sex in demeaning ways. Don’t do it ever!! WALK! They are pigs🐽
My ex was borderline on so much of this. He could say sorry, but he was highly reactive, gaslit me constantly, and made me feel like I couldn't express my needs or I would be punished. 9 years later, I'm healing but man, the consequences - financially, emotionally etc, were grim. I can't believe how long I was dreadfully unhappy and how hard I kept working to make it work.
Both my parents and my sister are narcissists. This channel has helped me so much to figure out how to handle them. Thank you.
All of this is so relatable. They get an ego boost from dominating you, and the more you try to stand up for yourself the greater the boost to their ego if they can break you down. It's abuse. Ignoring your boundaries and blaming you for their anger is abuse.