For Men Dealing with Miscarriage, Loss and Grief
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- Опубликовано: 15 июл 2024
- This is a video where I chat with Aaron Gouveia, the co-author of Men and Miscarriages: A Dad's Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss
Buy Aaron's book here: amzn.to/3JzoB9q
The version of this video included in the Father Figured course hardly differs from the broad edit here on RUclips. Please don't buy the course if you are solely looking for more of the interview with Aaron. Almost everything important is already here.
Intro: (0:00)
Aaron's Experience: (1:05)
Mental Toll: (1:40)
Seeking Help: (2:43)
Stigma of Men in Therapy: (3:31)
Rock Bottom: (5:22)
What Not to Say: (6:09)
Supporting Guys: (8:29)
Inability to Fix or Control: (9:37)
Supporting Your Partner: (13:20)
How Women Can Support Men: (14:38)
Outro: (17:34)
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If you have any resources or experiences you'd like to share, feel free to comment. I hope this video can help open up some dialogue for guys who may be struggling with loss.
My wife and I just got the news that we lost our first baby after 7 weeks of pregnancy. I was so ready to be a dad and she was so happy to be a mom and make me a dad. I’m struggling really hard right now.
Hey, we suffered a miscarriage at just over 9 weeks. our very first pregnancy. Here in the uk all we got was this is common with a first pregnancy. No one really showed much sympathy. As a male I did find no one really asks how you are, you’re just expected to be there for the woman. Luckily my wife is amazing and we got through it together. From when My wife started spotting to the scan confirming we had lost our baby, a week went by before they could get us in safe to say worst week of our lives. To all the dads out there going through this it’s ok to not be ok. Took me so long before I finally broke down and it did help just letting it out. Cry it out hug it out it helps. Take care. We are now the proud parents to a beautiful healthy 11 week old son
Thank you for sharing this ! And congratulations on your son! It’s wonderful to see that your wife was there and you were both allowed to process your feelings. I wish you two the best in your parenting journey.
I can relate to this, we lost our baby right at 9 weeks about a month ago. It’s a challenge being the man in this situation because you are dealing with your own heartbreak and disappointment while trying to be there for your wife. The question is typically “How is your wife?” but never “How are you doing yourself?”
As we’ve gone through this together I found that just being present and grieving alongside her without trying to “fix” the situation has brought us closer than I could have imagined, it still hurts but our bond has grown tremendously through the grief and healing process.
Just lost my daughter at 22 weeks into the pregnancy. I’m completely devastated. This pain I can’t explain, my cries are unrecognizable and just like he said. I’m an extrovert, but now I’m completely silent, lost. Lord be with me.
Hey, I went through this as well. It's an extremely difficult time. I can only advise to take the time to mourn and grieve. Take the time to talk about your loss with your partner, even when its difficult. Take time off work. Have a therapy session if that is available to you and you think it could help. Treat this as the loss that it is.
In my experience, the more time you take to process your loss, the easier it will be later. It has been 3 years now, and we have a beautiful baby daughter. Of course I still think about our first child, but I was able to move on. It gets better.
Makes me so sad as a wife that men think they can't grief just because we as women might feel it closer (it being our body).
Yeah, it's non uncommon to hear guys express that they don't feel they have the right to be sad or feel the pain of loss.
Well I’m one of those men who my wife delivered my son at 17.5 weeks. My wife thought I wasn’t broken until I found out that he died at 15 or 16 weeks.
Levi Johnathan Flagg, I love you so much
@@drewflagg8597He'll be waiting for you on the other side, Brother ❤
6 days ago my wife just gave birth to our stillborn daughter after 21 weeks. I feel the same I push the feelings down right now to be a pillar for my wife. Everyone is askins hows your wife how is she. But nobody asks how I am and that hurts me. Im in the worst pain ever, NEVER ever felt this kind of pain. So I can relate 100%. As a man we try to be a rock and a pillar. But we are human too. We need support as well. Im dying inside
When I had suspicions that I was miscarrying, my go with the flow, optimistic husband was so positive and hopeful that it actually made me mad, which I did voice to him. Test after test, wasn’t looking good and he was still holding on to some false hope. Eventually when I officially had miscarried, we were in bed at the end of the night and he finally broke down. I felt relief that he accepted it and was grieving with me. We held each other and cried ourselves to sleep. I don’t wish it upon anybody❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm sorry that this is something that you and your husband had to experience.
Thank you for sharing that. I was exactly the same to my wife. I was optimistic and positive right until the very end when we got the confirmation. I’ve never felt pain like it in my life.
I just experienced this as an expectant father. it was awful.
Me and my ex suffered from a miscarriage back in 2020, It's hard but one thing I've learned is she'll always be in our hearts 💕👼🕊️
3 days ago me and my girlfriend had a miscarriage, we had just had an ultrasound heard the heart beat. I was ready to take on every responsibility that came with the baby. Seeing the little ribs being formed, the arms and legs, it came out with its right hand over its heart. When I’m with my girlfriend I have to put on this strong side and be there for her but when I’m alone I breakdown constantly. Idk how to feel.
Wow! Me and my husband watched your videos when we were pregnant, but then we had a miscarriage. Thank you for making this video because it is part of the conceiving journey 🥰
Thank you so much for posting this, Andrew. My wife and I lost our first baby at around 10 weeks in early 2021 and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. We had mistakenly told many of our friends and family that she was pregnant pretty early on which made it feel public and left us feeling exposed on top of our grief. We got just about every incorrect answer insensitive comment imaginable from people who were just trying to help. Unfortunately, people don’t talk about miscarriage and don’t know what to say.
My wife is pregnant again and we are expecting our son any day now. We are so excited to meet him but this pregnancy has been a battle with anxiety and fear from our previous loss. He’s still in my thoughts and I still lose it from time to time thinking about him.
Thank you so much for starting this conversation in such a respectful way.
You shouldn’t feel bad for sharing the news of your wife’s pregnancy. God blessed you with a beautiful gift, and it’s okay to invite others to share the excitement. Hopefully your new baby is happy & healthy ❤️
Dealt with two miscarriages and it’s been difficult being happy or optimistic about fatherhood in the future
@Brian Faber unfortunately I don’t have many I few comfortable talking to about it I brought diapers and all man
@Brian Faber I’m a single guy now so🤷🏽♂️🤦🏽♂️
I so wish my husband had this resource when we experienced our miscarriage in March 2020. We were filled with so much sadness and isolation at such an already hard time with covid. Thank you for bringing awareness to a man’s perspective through a miscarriage
My wife and I found out we miscarried on Valentine’s Day. My wife ended up having to have an emergency DNC last weekend. It’s been a whirlwind of a month but we have an 18 month old son who’s been helping us get through it.
Perspective. That's the beautiful part about this video. Loss is loss and not being able to show it easily is the hardest part of moving on. I always remind myself that giving/taking advice is not the easiest because we never know where people are. Thank you so very much for sharing this and be a bold example of what a man is. God Bless.
My wife and I just experienced a loss after about 8.5 weeks. This video has some really great points that I will take to heart. I especially like his statement “she doesn’t need a rock, she needs a partner.” It’s so easy to forget that while we are just trying to keep our world from falling apart, and be good parents to our daughter while grieving. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for posting this. Watched it with my husband. We lost our first baby this January and it’s been tough. I relate to a lot of things you mentioned in the video, especially the part about how people try to downplay the situation because they feel uncomfortable about the topic. I wish to break the stigma about miscarriage so that people can properly sympathize with others.
So sorry for your loss. Sending a lot of love your way
My wife and I suffered a miscarriage this past summer. We didn't know we were pregnant. She was around 6 weeks. She bled so horribly I was only worried about her. Got her to the ER and into a room to have a doctor tell us we had lost a baby that we had tried so long for (we don't have any other children). So all of my focus was on her and making sure she was alright. I have still to this day never really let myself grieve that loss. Maybe one day. It still feels like I'm not doing my job to protect her if I let those feelings come up. I guess I feel them, I just don't let myself express them is a better way of putting it.
I am sorry for your loss
Great conversation about such a tough subject. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. Such an important discussion
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 What a fantastic subject to share on your channel. Thank you so much. Very profound. PLEASE do more “taboo” topics like this. (All your reviews are great!!) But, this is life-changing content that’s not only helpful for men to have an outlet but for women to gain perspective.
thanks for tackling the hard stuff - testament to the character of your channel and more importantly, you!
Thanks so much for this video Andrew! Found your channel recently looking through product recommendations for our boy due later this year. You seem really level-headed and compassionate talking about your family and your marriage, and I scrolled back through your videos really hoping for a video exactly like this. My wife and I had a miscarriage earlier this year with our very first pregnancy. And while it was devastating at the time, resources like this really helped us through it. So thank you! And keep up the good work! (Also howdy from DFW!)
please do another episode on this topic, it would be great to have different guests and make it a series
I’m so thankful for this video. I’ve been looking everywhere for videos or articles or support groups or just any advice really to help my husband after our loss. Everything is geared for women around this topic. I know my husband is hurting and I don’t know how to support him through this almost everything that was mentioned in this video I can see it happening, and bubbling under the surface. I feel like I have a starting point now on how to approach this subject with him
Hey I just want to say that I admire your work for others. I'm not even going to be pregnant for maybe 5-8 years from now (I'm still a 20 year old college kid who's always preparing to be a mother), but the way you bring these topics into light really gives me hope for my own future. I do wish men can talk about these things more often, but I see a great future ahead with your channel. I'm really glad I found your channel, thank you for making this!
It BROKE ME... NEVER Felt Pain like this.
We have been fortunate not to have had any miscarriages. We have, however, dealt with the loss of a child. She was 3 months old. One thing Ive noticed is that its getting more common to talk about miscarriage. Thats awesome and there is still a long way to go with that so I hope it continues but it needs to start with infant loss too. I have joined groups but I am generally the only person in my "category". I can only imagine that this experience was magnified for my husband. Women are better at talking. He has probably felt very alone. Not sure what more to say except that I'm so glad you are talking about this and maybe one day you can widen the scope. Thank you!
On my throwaway acct,
This is ongoing: my wife and I are at 25+, and were told at 20 that we had severe fetal growth restriction. Bottom 1% of everything. Size, Weight, etc. we’re desperate to know why but all tests we can do show nothing indicative of what we have, just a number of complications making it unlikely we have a live birth. I think I’m taking it harder than my wife because she resents having to have her body change for no good outcome. I have only emotional loss whereas she’s almost resentful.
We were expecting twins but one was lost, it is the worst days of my life
🙏🏽
Started viewing but decided not to finish bcuz What about helping your woman & then her helping you! I went thru this & didn't receive any help except when I asked for prayer that's all I got! Only God Helps❗️🙏
I just found out yesterday that Me and my ex lost my first at 20 weeks. I’m absolutely crushed.
My girl was so abusive and tried to kill me. She sent me a picture of the miscarriage I was 2 years sober and now I haven't eaten in 4 days I used to be pro-life and I just can't get my hand off the bottle... she's not someone I like but I can't not feel like I couldn't have done something... I feel like my lack of understanding made me a murderer :((((((
She drank that baby to death... I left her and no one told me she was pregnant. Cops should have been called. I'm just a failure...
I'm writing a short story about grief and loss relating to miscarriage and infertility particularly for fathers supporting their partners. So- what showed you that your partner would be a great parent? Thank you
I am a midwife and Birtb trauma recovery specialist. I run online 1:1 for anyone needing support
Being a trans man with a cis husband I'm so glad that our loss experience has been different with different societal pressures and focusing on our family only
youre not a man shut up
You guys didn't touch on the men that just completely abandon their women. My partner hasn't even come by to see me and it's been a week. He insinuates that his grief is more important than mine. He's made it all about him and completely disregards my own grief, my own misery and my own loss. The devastation of this loss has been grossly magnified with his indifference towards me, his ridicule and doubt. I've giving him space and time, but this just shows me that I can not count on him when it comes down to it (not the first time he ran when I needed his support... resulting in some ptsd and resentment).
I don't know how much more I can allow.
Any advice?