Narcissistic Family: Verbal Abuse Tactics They Constantly Use
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
- In this video, I discuss common verbally abusive tactics that narcissistic and emotionally immature parents and family members use.
Learning about these will help you recognize verbally manipulative behaviors, empowering you to set healthy boundaries and self-differentiate, even if they never stop or change.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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➡️ Recommended Playlists: Outgrowing Dysfunctional Family Patterns - • Outgrowing Narcissisti... Break Free from Narcissistic Parents & Families - • Breaking Free from Nar... Adult Children of Alcoholics: Heal & Change the Pattern - • Alcoholic Narcissistic...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
Get your narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF YOU with my ‘Self-Differentiation Program: 'Road to Self’.
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I’m still planning on doing this course, but I reckon I now have to prioritize another trip (second this month yay) toward moving away from here. June perhaps. Hopefully. 🙂 (I prob sound like some broken record but I need all new tires…that isn’t an everyday expense but is a rather large one. Tires are 11 years old so….lol). I’m getting my financial act together…but slowly I guess. Bit by bit. Perhaps getting out of here first might be a better plan since after I can focus more completely on the course without so much distraction and their attempted backwards pulling.
mom and Aunty Lee
11- you dont know a thing!!
2- you lie
3- whats wrong with You Carol
@@carolnahigian9518 My favorite is " I never said/did that" Ugh! It makes us all want to walk around with recorders and get these ppl on tape/evidence.
My mom is queen of the silent treatment. Not talking to your child on purpose is a form of verbal abuse.
How unusually considerate of her to shut up occasionally 😉
@@markusfreund6961 As a 15 year old, only child who was raised by a single mother, her giving me the silent treatment for days at a time was torture. I ended up marrying a man who did the same thing to me and our child. I hated it for me and for our child.
I left my toxic ex-husband, and I currently minimize my time with my mom.
Learning that the silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse was eye opening for me.
She gave me the silent treatment a few months ago. She was upset that I hadn’t called her soon enough, so she didn’t call me. I found out that she had given me the silent treatment because she told me. Now, I roll my eyes at the ridiculous of her actions. 🙄
It used to manipulate me so much when i didn't know it was manipulation and i thought i was a problem! Now when she does it i think why the hell do i have to be around this. When i used to open up to her about relationships or something the day after she used to give me the silent treatment to try and manipulate me into thinking there was something wrong with what i told her. Absolutely disgusting
@@nadineelizabeth195 I used to try to have a normal relationship with my mom. That doesn’t work for her. Now that I know better, I keep everything surface level.
@@tspencer661 i tried for years to have normal relationship but she is a very sneaky woman:(
It cost me a multimillion dollar inheritance to go no contact and consider myself to have gotten out of it cheaply.
Me too, I packed a bag and went to south America
There’s never a guarantee of that inheritance, anyway. 🤷♀️
@@misspatvandriverlady7555 My sister got it.
Staying for the money is never worth it. Knowing what I know about my family, I know I would never be considered in the will. It hurts more knowing that than receiving anything .
Fuck money
"Verbal abuse is their brokeness being dumped on you"- Absolutely correct.
...They use us as a 🚽 for their dumps😑.
100%
Yep I told my mom that to her face. Ive gained weight due to this medication I am on. And we were literally in a conversation and she stopped in the middle of the conversation and says ohh you're so fat. And that's when I told her abt trying to dump her insecurities on me (Cause I'm a very confident person) Meanwhile, I'm not fat I have hips and booty (lol) and she's fat at the top of her body and little at the bottom. She's built terribly and she's self conscious abt it, it's all in the way she dresses. She wears huge t shirts tht covers her terrible shape. It's sad how they try to fuk ova ppl because they're miserable and insecure.
100% well said!! In my experience, totally true.
@@bella_bella85100% well said!! In my experience, totally true. They my so-called narcissitic & nasty " parents " were doing this too when they put me in poison as in toxic "medication" to try & control me as the side effects weight gain was 1 of the biggest.. when I wasn't overweight but turns out not just that found out after I'd a genuine condition couldn't loose weight & therefore impossible to loose weight due to?
"I'm saying this because I love you" is such an insidious form of verbal abuse.
Yep they're trying to disarm you in a slick way after viciously attacking you🤢.
And "No, you're not and no, you don't" would be the adequate reply.
It s just coming from someone who has no idea what love is.
God is love.
My dad to a tee
I grew up with "I beat you because I love you". All the fractures and dislocated bones I got as a kid were from beatings, not playing outside climbing trees. Love, my ass!
As a teenager and young adult, I was constantly told by my parents, "You're in for a rude awaking!" - Well, I'm 60 next month, still waiting for that rude awakening!
That saying should honestly only come from parents who actually know what they are talking about. I get parents saying that towards their child who actually is ignorant towards how the world works, such as if they want to do something in their life that may be somewhat unrealistic and difficult to accomplish when they may not know the struggles and knowledge needed to get there. Such as a career in art, music, writing. Then again, plenty of parents do say that when their child already did the research and is aware of how difficult the world is.
Only in my 40s here but that has been my experience so far too. They didn't use those exact words but always talked to me like I'm naïve and going to find out one day. All I've found out is how wrong they were about damn near everything, wonderful and amazing things about the world that I got to experience, and opportunities they never had the slightest clue about or cared one bit to help me find.
"You've got another thing coming" different words same meaning.
I think you had the best awakening ever waking up for their horrible abuse
My egg donor would say the same thing. She was a liar. After I left her, within 5 years, I had worked myself off of welfare, had 2 kids in private school, returned to school and was living in my own apartment. It took me 12 years to complete college and I paid for it out my own pocket, no grants, loans, or scholarships. I was determined to make a liar out of her and I did. She is the one that got the "rude awaking."
My narc family do not exist for me anymore, The only time I "meet "or see my narcissist family since years ago, is when I have a nightmare.
Smart choice👍🏻👍🏻!I hope you don't struggle with too many nightmares & realize you're safe now❤️🩹.
Well said ! Thank you, you put words where I couldn't.
First you think " i' m wrong". Then you doubt 2 year.
Then something else strange happens, you doubt more. Then again! Your mind is not wrong! The more and more comes up and comes up. Then you get totally mad. That's the hardest part! When you realise that you grew up with " who"? You believed them everything. Then recognize everything is wrong? That's the hardest part. Nobody doubts his parents?
The question is, why they did not do the work we struggle now? We do it, we will make it, for a better future!
How did you leave them? Did you announce to them you didnt want any contact with them or did you just stop engaging?.....and did they reach out to you?
Yup did the same. I tried this:
ruclips.net/video/MxKkBkbOeMA/видео.htmlsi=NYaAkEi7geaatMX2
Hit full score 😢
6:50 No contact with verbal abusers, full contact with ourselves. 🎯💯
That one hit me between the eyes too! How absolutely TRUTHFUL can you possibly get?!!
Love this!! ❤
I can't wait until i move out from this dynamic.
When my Mom mocks me, I consider the source. She is not a nice person.
My young and unaware parents mocked us too growing up and are just as immature today.
So True 💕🕊️
I didn't understand why she always sided with women that didn't like me. Now i see it all. She's a horrible person also and enjoyed the bullying other women did to me
"I only want what's best for you," Right after they abuse you.
"It didn't happen that way." I had photograph proof. "The picture must be wrong."
After driving to Ikea, picking up a dresser and putting it together, I was asked, "are you sure?"
I had the x-rays too!
This!
My family would never identify with being abusive because they would say calmly with a lot of superiority '''you're so sensitive'', ''you're emotional'' because I TRIED TO RAISE AN ISSUE, OR BECAUSE i ASKED THEM TO LISTEN. And then when I don't accept that I'm ''crazy'' I'm told im ''abusive'' ''detached from reality'', ''insane''...................................................... argh. They've had no insight in four years.
“You’re too sensitive” is their go-to gaslighting phrase. The ol fall-back line, hoping to shut you down, avoid accountability and make you feel shame for a normal reaction.
Hi Susana it sounds like you were the scapegoat child same as me. I can relate to this.
As a small child right on up-to my 40’s, I got “you’ve got a chip on your shoulder” in response to me telling my parents that they loved my sister more than me (golden child). When I was 47, my dad finally said “your mother never loved you and neither have I because you were a difficult child”. So, after 47 years of gaslighting, there it was, the truth finally.
I totally get how you feel. I hope you have managed to heal from your abuse.
Leave them. They enjoy seeing you try after the gaslight you
@@AllUserNamesAreUsedYes they do🤢.
I get told i am weird and my version of the same events is "bullshit". I'm supposed to believe them and ignore my own eyes and ears.
My parents never got their family of origin out of them, which they projected onto us. That's the entire reason for our trauma. It's a generational cycle, which I broke. Only child with a truly productive life.
I did that too. Yes, I have been through the name calling by my mother, the shaming. Everything you are saying Jerry, is true.
I felt guilt for years. I thought God was judging me for everything. Now, I'm changing my way of thinking.
My mother, my ex husband, and former boss, made me feel like garbage.
I didn’t realize that truth for the longest time. I’m glad that it is NOT too late, for those of us who are just now understanding how generational abuse (particularly abuse that no one else saw and therefore could not save us from as children) has affected us, to heal and be happy with our lives and who we are. In my 50s now and even though my mother won’t share anything about her childhood with me, I have to assume that she grew up with verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful parents because of how she’s treated me all my life. I am sad for her, that she doesn’t understand how she’s allowed herself to become a toxic person and how she spews that toxicity all over me, particularly when I stand up for myself and set firm boundaries. I am breaking the cycle with my children, we are very close and they know I love them and accept them as they are - no matter what. Thanking God for that.
I grew up in a mega narcissistic toxic highly abusive home. I was adopted by an aunt and uncle after my biological parents dropped their four children off at my grandmother's. They went on to divorce and my biological father had four more children. Leaving us and never looking back. Unreal. It has taken me DECADES to understand my life, my choices, my family, you name it. I am about to turn 60. I survived. I went to a top college, found a career I loved, and became very successful, but never fulfilled. Never able to get the one thing I craved - a family of my own. It's only in recent years I began to understand how all that abuse took a toll on me and my desire for a healthy life. I wasn't capable of handling what I longed and still longed for. It's a sad reality to wake up this late in the game.
Your comment is very well written and I feel your pain. I've been single 49+ years, and this late in the game don't see that changing. Have never had a problem w/ living alone, but a great guy in my life would have been nice.
True, when I rejected the gaslighting, I was asked to ''think of your mother, think of your father, think of your kids''. What!? So, the way I have to show love in the family is to collude with their gaslighting of me! And if I'm angry, that proves I'm mad. But if my mother is angry, that proves she's right.
Like something out of a mental hospital isn't it?😬
That's scapegoating in a nutshell. You have to go along with the narrative or you are the villain. They are always the victims of US.
This!!! We are never allowed to have our own feelings. 😢
Going through this now, in my 50s , and all of my life. My mother caused the argument, my dad has to be mad at me when she’s mad, and continues to tell me their warped version of, & I need to apologize, even after calling me “crazy” & “I’m the reason no one speaks to me” , all because I spoke up to her. It’s cruel
I had nothing but malignant verbal abuse from the time I got up till the time I went to bed for my entire life until I was able to escape. Then I went no-contact. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into thinking you should stay in contact because they’re your parents. You really CAN’T have contact with some people - regardless of who they are - because they’re so evil, malignant and detrimental.
That's what I am working on- "deprogramming" myself.
Brave one, keep going. Learning is hard, unlearning is harder. May you find inner Peace brother.
What a PERFECT drop for Mother’s Day! Trying to be nice to her and she’s being extremely passive aggressive and cold to my gestures because it’s not exactly what she wanted in her fantasy world. This is just what I needed to Jerry thank you!
I tried too. "Fantasy world" those words, omg, few times i even told her my life is not her fantasy then my reality, she acting like don't understand what i am talking about. 😳 I started to hate her.
My mother to 💔
I feel your pain and sending hugs and prayers your way 💕 I didn’t see mine today. I sent her flowers and in my case it’s not verbal abuse but ongoing emotional abuse for years now. The passive aggressiveness is extremely hard to be around and even on the phone it’s tough. I can love her from a distance when we don’t see much of each other
It takes more qualifications to get a drivers license than to be a parent. Some people really don’t deserve to have kids.
Just got that treatment an hour ago.
My mother is so adept at guilt trips she owns her own travel agency. Fortunately for me now, I don't fly those unfriendly skies. I know what she's doing, and I don't let her do it. She lashes out at me when I don't play along. Now I tell HER to "GET OVER IT!" and she kind of understands how it felt for me to never be able to go to her with my problems and get some sympathy, compassion, and protection. Do I like doing this? Absolutely not. Will it change anything? Of course not. But it does make me feel a little bit better that I can't be manipulated to shut up and take it anymore.
My old man is a master gaslighter to say things to me like "That's just your opinion." "That's your perception." and the straight up "That didn't happen." It's funny how he could say stuff like that when I point out his crappy behavior because he never bothered to get involved or care about us unless my mother forced him to intervene. Of course I know what happened because it was so rare that he ever gave a crap! When he had to get involved, he went too hard, and the punishment was disproportionate to the situation because he didn't bother to find out what was going on from his kids. If we were in trouble, obviously it's because we were PURE EVIL and not because our mother was psychotic and unhinged 24/7.
And my inner critic? What a demon it is. I would never speak to another person the way my inner critic talks to me. Finally I'm learning to not berate and belittle myself so much and be kinder. Kindness quietens the inner critic, and though it hasn't gone away and probably won't ever, it's a lot less noisy, and I stay more regulated.
Verbal abuse is the most insidious form of abuse. Physical abuse hurts and leaves bruises, but those bruises eventually fade. Verbal abuse sticks with you for decades and doesn't leave a mark on the outside so it looks like you weren't ever hurt. I still, when talking to people who don't get it, can't believe that some people think the only type of abuse is physical. Those people either had fantastic childhoods or are in such deep denial about their own trauma.
Thanks, Jerry. Hang in there, survivors.
The people that don't understand other forms of abuse are either simply uneducated...Or worse they enable all but the most obvious abuse in order to hide what a dysfunctional person they are.Also some are neck-deep in denial too of course as you mentioned.
I really believed my parents truly love me especially my mother. To see that they really don't and I have my eyes opened after all these years is rough.
In college I began jogging & was thin as well as trim. One day I looked at my new calf muscles in the hall mirror & admired them out loud. My father immediately told me they were fat 🤦♀️ need I add that he also skipped my graduation & chose to tell me on the day of our chapel service? I went on to develop anorexia. Later I found a picture that my boyfriend took of me with every bone sticking out in my father’s home on display. He was so sick that my pain & suffering were a cause for celebration. Fortunately my boyfriend took me not only to every graduation event in my father’s place but he also drove me out west to grad school. He later became a psychologist & his help at that time was really invaluable. Eventually I went no contact with my family of origin
I notice that family member that I have no contact with always sends their flying monkeys on holidays. That’s a huge red flag for me that a verbal ambush is coming. I’ve learned to stop letting that bother me and stop answering the phone because last time I answered I regretted it! I have to work on me and my happiness even if that means discontinuing contact. 🤷🏽♀️
Smart🥳👍🏻🎉!Just focus on cooking up some good food when the holidays roll back around.It keeps you busy & the reward is quite nice😄🍲.
@jayj4439
Thanks for sharing! I appreciate what you wrote. It brings comfort to know other people experience similar unhealthy FOO dynamics and it's not you.
My mother sent a text that she was blessed to have me as a daughter. After last week being nasty and hangup on me. She abandoned and neglected us but pretends our memories are wrong.
Yes mine does things like this too. Unfortunately I have hung up on her before for being so frustrated with the passive aggressiveness and dominance. I’m not proud of it and asked God’s forgiveness. We have to protect our hearts and minds. It’s extremely confusing having a mother who runs hot or cold. Sending you a hug and prayer 🙏
The gaslighting is so insane don’t ever fall for it as she will keep doing that forever! It never stops with the manipulation trust me!
"I didnt say that", "It didnt happen that way", "you're too sensitive", "when good things happen to you it's thanks to me", "I messed up my health to pay for your private school", "How much are you making now that you found a new job?", "Come on tell me, I would have no problem telling my salary if I was working" I got it all recently. Still messes with my head wondering if Im the bad guy in all this. I hate this
You aren’t. As a widowed mother of two, I can tell you that good parents understand that the way in which we get “repaid” is to watch our kids go out into the world and be good people to others. Also, if we do it right, we get a lot of rewards getting to watch these new people we helped make grow and blossom into their unique selves. I chose to have my kids, and it’s my job to care for them. Nice of they help me out a bit here and there, but “repayment”? Nope and never.
@@misspatvandriverlady7555 I thank you for these words
No, no, you are not bad!
"I don't care if I never see you again." My mother said this to me a few months before I went into the U.S. Navy, and I have never forgotten it.
Appalling....the majority of the country is proud and grateful to you for serving.
They think of the most painful thing to say and cut you with it. That will leave a mark . I'm sorry she did that. I wish you the best and hope you find the world outside is often kinder than what we grew up with. Sounds strange but I have found it to be the case many times.
That's awful! I'm sorry she said that to you.
At least when you are in the military, you know who the enemy is.
Wow 😮 so cruel! Let her suffer and never talk to her again! It’s her problem and not yours! I left for the Navy too in 1984 to get my own life far away from the toxic family and so glad I did! They all became jealous of me and made me a scapegoat Jerry talks about and I have stayed away a lot in my own life without them! My sisters tried to lure me back in when I lived in FL in 90s and soon got right back into toxic drama evil ways and triangulation evil with our narc father and made me leave again and move to CA never speaking to them again! I have been in peace with no regrets! When my father died in 2018, I felt a sense of freedom as if a weight lifted off me and the devil left earth!
Wow, I’m so sorry. I’m now understanding that narcissistic parents like ours don’t care about us and no kindness we can do will help them understand their own trauma or toxic mindsets & behavior. My mother constantly told me as a child/teen/young adult “you don’t have to live here, you can go somewhere else” and “if you want to keep living in my house you better do what I say or you can live on the street” which made me feel & think that she didn’t love me enough to keep me and that she didn’t even want to take care of me. I hope that you found a new family in the USN, and thank you for your service 🇺🇸
yes i am glad that i called my sister from her verbal attacks. She has the worst temper and attitude. Toxicity is not needed. Set boundaries and let them go. She uses horrible language.
I have an older sister, who is an absolute beast if she doesn’t get her way and you don’t stay in the lane she’s created for you. I can’t quite cut her off because we have to work together caring for my elderly mom, but boy is it tough, endlessly tough to endure.
I wish I'd gotten out so much sooner
Fellow brothers and sisters. Let it go, go No Contact. Justice will be delivered on Judgement Day, means very soon.
As Mr.Quinn Holiday on his ASSC Direct channel once said...Karma will tare that @** up.
Thank you Jerry, Wise fits you well. Narcissistic abuse is so severe. When I collapsed in 2013 and saw a psychologist for the first time, SHE cried. "Are you serious? This is your life? You never told someone about it?" Healing myself. Counting on the divine now, I am so exhausted. Still angry. Going No Contact. God is with us ❤
I was like you. I didn’t realize it was abnormal and I was sure I was wrong and the brat I was purported to be.
What happened in your collapse? I had a collapse 11 years ago, but it was my health. I think though it was from tons of abuse and it made me ill.
Far too many have suffered various unnecessary health issues due to these terrible people.
@angelaandrews8027 Thank you for the response. Major depression, to the point where I had zero facial expression. All kinds of physical symptoms. Was hospitalized for 10 weeks. The thing is: I do not believe it is a personality disorder. They PLAN and KNOW what they do. I observed a rapid increase in narcissism since 2012. I believe it's spiritual warfare.
@@angelaandrews8027 Major Depression and PTSD.
❤️
I was in my late twenties when I fully started to realize that my family (specifically my mother and brother) were incredibly verbally abusive towards me. I'm now in my late 30s and going low contact has been the best solution. These people are sick and don't want to get help.
When I was a young kid I got "You're not fat yet, but you have to be careful". My food intake was closely watched. Meanwhile my brother was "so skinny!" and encouraged to eat more, even when he didn't want to.
Surprise, surprise, I developed bulimia and then anorexia. My weight has yo-yo'd up and down my entire life.
And, yeah, the gaslighting, verbal abuse, fits of rage, and guilt were all rampant.
Yet I was "too sensitive".
My narc father criticises constantly. In my 50 years I cannot recall 1 day where he didn’t criticise either my enabler mom, my sister or myself. Years ago I was 40 pounds overweight, he told me this daily alongside his disapproving body language. So I lost 40 pounds in 4.5 months and his remarks of “you’ve took it too far you’re too thin” began.
Thank you Jerry, you are incredibly validating. I’m super grateful 🙏🏻
Can relate, my mother would constantly say negative comments about me being overweight, and I brought up last year I lost 20 lbs and her reply: “You’re still fat!”. I’m so glad I ghosted her and that whole side of the family, best decision I’ve ever made.
In the literal sense: damned if you do, damned if you don't.
High five to you for surviving that BS and making a life of your own.
I don’t think my mom is a narcissist, but years ago she did nag and worry about me being overweight.
About 20 years ago, I was really into Dance Dance Revolution while it was very popular. It was fun and a good way to get exercise. A few years after I stopped playing regularly, mom would often nag and ask why I never play it anymore, and feared I would be gaining weight. Truth is, I still looked about the same. Maybe my stomach was a little bigger, but I didn’t look completely different. And I wasn’t over eating or constantly eating fattening foods either.
My mother called me a “bleeding heart liberal” as a high school junior who was waking up to injustice. For the next 40 years, I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me-for caring about what happens to my fellow humans.
Better to have a bleeding heart, than no heart at all! 😊
@@stevereno how did her heart get burned away? Everything is so complicated, and people get tangled up in the mess for so many generations. I’m grateful to have a little clarity.
No😔🤧 if you are that, then what was she ?😂A devil who hates gods humanity that's who.
@@diashelle I wish I could say why, but in my experience, snarl phrases like “bleeding heart liberal” reveal more about the accuser than the accused. Just be true, and be glad you are not like your mother.
Familiar
Our 1st language is gaslighting & verbal abuse is as "natural" as someone saying I love you when you grow up in 1 of these nightmare homes🤢.It sets US up to have our bar set very low in regards to what we'll allow into our life later...1 of the biggest milestones for me has been realizing that I deserve so much better than abuse & I'm so thankful I've had this realization while still young.Now my once mother tongue has become completely unnatural to me...I'm still fluent in it but it now sounds very foreign to me in a really unsettling way & I'm so glad it isn't part of my own 🏡.🌞👍🏻👍🏻
How is it possible to have so many people with the exact same toxic traits? It’s like finding twins who are separated but have the same innate characteristics, but these people are not related, and are 15-20%of the population. Love your work!
Jerry, I would really like to THANK you for these videos. I've learned that I was not the only person that was abused by their mother. (Father died at 5.) You call them narcissistic, however, many of the situations that you describle, I endured. I endured this at a time before social programs, abuse hotlines birth control pills, abortion on demand, independent living, etc. Hell, if they had these programs years ago, I may have became the attorney that I always wanted to be, as oppose to being in education.
I SURVIVED the HORRORS of child abuse and neglect due to the help of my extended family that were not blood related, (not that it matters.) I LOVED them and they LOVED me. I placed flowers on their graves for Mother's Day. I was TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE THEM. Once again, I want to THANK you for your broadcasts.
Thanks for watching!😃
Oh yes, we have heard all this in our family
When you went through it with your parent and then you get a second dose of it with your siblings.
Malignant normal. Excellent definition. Today is a difficult day but I’m learning to create new memories.
Our family verbal abuse was the lack of verbal exchange all together-children should be seen and not heard, no matter how old you are.
My father has been telling me I’m a ( imbecile) among other tags he’s put on me … but according to him I’ve been a imbecile as long as I can remember and I’m 60
that is exactly what my mother still does this to me and I am 59 years old. She says "I love you with all of my hear", but she has no idea what that really means.
I am 59. I went complete and permanent no contact at 42, after about 3 years of very minimal contact, with my extremely gaslighting manipulative mom. She would say the same thing! So absurd. Guilt, manipulation, and verbal abuse are of hate, not Love. Removing her from my life was such a HUGE relief!
Coming in hot on Mothers Day, thank you!
You're so welcome!
My dad and his family were gaslighters. Going off to college and breaking away was the best thing that ever happened to me. He helped pay for half of my first year (he got caught in his behavior and so proved his innocence by financially helping) and weasled his way out of anything further; no contact with him was worth the student loans. It’s taken a looong time, but they’re finally out of my head now. (Not to say there aren’t moments, but the days of constant uncertainty and self- doubt are far behind me.)
anyone elses crap family say "i love you" way too much?
my mom, absent dad or my SOs pos dad say "my girl", "daughter of mine", my son" cringe
My narcissists of origin didn't say "I love you" at all to each other, but my 4 older narc siblings were obsessed about the label on me "my little sister"- even though we had absolutely no closeness, or brother/sister bond. I always cringed when they would say that! They were consistantly cruel and mean to me, both verbally and physically (hitting me when we were young). I hear other toxic families constantly saying to each other "I love you!",though, it is so obvious it is just for show. So nauseating, makes me want to vomit. Narcissists are just so weird!! Ugh.
I have cut everyone from life. Everyone! Because I grew up in a narc family and then attracted Marc’s in my adult life. But now I do feel I have anyone to be safe to be myself with. My walls of protection are so high and so thick. I hurt so much and when I have tried to talk to others I get brushed off. I have Jesus but I really am not able to go through this life alone but I can’t share or open up with anyone. So broken.
Im in the same boat recently. I know God will make it bearable somehow. Just hang on. We are brave💛
It helped me to work with a counselor on establishing healthy connections with people. It will be “surfacy” for a while due to the walls but slowly deepen with some. It helps to focus on even small amounts of progress…it definitely feels good to be moving in the right direction even if it seems slow.
@@uplifting8593 praying everything works out for you ❤️🙏❤️
@@jenniferbrooks87 praying for you as well ❤️🙏❤️ it is amazing how much damage narcs can do
@@jaxmom9043 Thank you so much. Your prayers are a blessing! the damage too immense to process sometimes and discouraging. But God is faithful. 💐
I continue to be thankful for my grandparents giving me unconditional love and showing me how loving people treat others. I was angry and rebellious when my mother beat me as a child under 5. She turned the table on me and told everyone I was the problem child she was the suffering victim of me. I was in my 50s when everything started to click for me. She loves to gossip about me and I asked her to to stop. She said no. That felt horrible but it also was the start of the end for me. That is not a loving parent that is a hate filled monster. I now realise my grandparents raised me and thankfully lived with them until I was 8. I couldn't have been raised by her and turned out the way I did. It has helped me reframing my childhood to recognize they were my parents. She was 20 when she had me. I now see her as the jealous, bitchy, older sister. Frankly she has a lot to be jealous of. I'm loving, kind, well educated and traveled all things never could be. It has been so healing to take back my wholeness.
My mom is the queen of denial and refuses to admit things happened. She also likes to make things up about me to people. Something I've never seen her do to either of my siblings. Both my parents have told my sister she's the favorite which made me resent her for the longest time. My father told me straight up that I would be a failure if i moved out back when i was in college. He'd make fun of my depression(and sometimes still does) and tell me to "stop being so depressed, you have nothing to be depressed about"
Mom used to tell me I was fat. It’s a good thing I thought she was crazy because I was very underweight and I realized later I very lucky that I didn’t believe her because anorexia is a serious problem . She was also a serious nasty name caller, slanderer and gaslighter . The weight issue let me know that she was delusional and I started questioning all of her nasty comments and gaslighting. That actually made her horrible behavior worse as she tried her best to make me believe her sick descriptions of me . She’d slam into my room late at night after I was asleep and call me a wh--. She did this every day for about 6 years especially when other family members weren’t around . She started this crap before I even started having periods and of course I was too afraid of her verbal abuse to even have a boyfriend . She also used to hold my funeral in front of me telling where she was going to bury me and describing the flowers on my coffin . I actually was relived during the year 2000 as her gaslighting had made me think I wouldn’t live long enough to see the 21st century . When she died every one commented on the fact that I wasn’t crying or upset but I really don’t miss her at all. In fact my first thought was b... I’ll hold YOUR funeral now!
Oh, Lord.....all of the listed verbal abuse methods, plus:
"I would never hurt you! I'm your mother! Why would I ever do anything that wasn't good for you?"
"I'm telling you this for your own good."
"You can count on me."
" Nobody loves you like your family!"
Today is mother day i didnt wish my mother and didnt see my sister and brother do it too 😢
Dr. Wise, thank you very much for this amazing content you make available for all of us, it's truly a blessing! May I also compliment you on your impeccable bright colored shirts, they by themselves make me see the world less cold and grey 😊❤❤❤
Appreciate you ❤️
I am already being accused of lying by my narcissistic mother, who is a pathological liar herself. She is now claiming she has never hurt, despite her threating, saying and doing hurtful things many times in the past. She is already rewriting history. I need to be more careful around her.
So grateful for you Jerry, genuinely i feel such affection for you. When i get caught in cycles of their shame internally churning away or rumaination and high anxiety levels, your calming and straight forward approach is massively reassuring and helpful to get out of it and connect back to my true self. Thank you so much
You’re welcome!
This was a very helpful video. Thanks, Jerry!
Glad it was helpful!😊
Narcissistic family with several NPD women. They will use every tactic. Not just verbal abuse. They recruit their daughters because they are easily manipulated to follow.
What if I had heard Jerry Wise 30 years ago.
she tried telling me how to raise my son when she doesn't have any kids herself. she has low -esteem, and she feels that she can say whatever she needs to. Karma is real. People have to tell her straight up how she is. She hits people and bullies people. She hurts people because she is hurt herself. People like that dont ever have peace.
My father is violent and narcissistic.
Sounds like sociopathy may be at play as well...Those ones are sadistic, they derive some form of actual pleasure/satisfaction from the harm they inflict.I hope you stay very far away if it all possible❤️🩹.
Does your mother stand by and allow it?
@@user-tn8fu1gx3vMind did. She seemed to enjoy it.
My narcissistic family passed away 16 years ago and it's done some damage to my life and made me less trusting for people.
My mother preferred leaving scars that don’t show (psychological and emotional abuse, rather than physical abuse). As a little preschool kid, I was rather precocious, and desired to learn how to read when barely 4 years old. She was attentive and helpful, and thus I was in elementary school was basically a straight-A student. Helped my classmates with their lessons, etc. But as I got older and school became more boring to me, if I so much came home with an A- or God forbid a B+ on my report card, that meant that I was “damned lazy” and “unappreciative” (of her). So fast forward to adulthood, where initially I dropped out of college, and we became estranged as it was “so important (to her) that I finish college” and obtain a degree, so eventually I returned to college and finished my degree, and kept her apprised of my progress. At the commencement ceremony, I received no congratulations at all from her, not even a simple greeting card in the mail. Yet after that, when I neglected to mail her a greeting card for Mothers Day, she scolded me in a phone call, saying “some days are more special than others.”
They certainly are.
Congratulations on getting your degree 🎉
My oldest brother started spying on me when I was 12. He would burst in on me when I was in the shower and hid under my bed and took my bathing suit top. When I complained to my mother he got yelled at but then he started calling me fat and ugly. He would say it in front of people and since no one came to my defense, I assumed that they agreed. He was relentless and as I got fatter the abuse spread to other people. I got it at home and at school. Thank you for validating my experience.
Step “father.” Stupid brutish tactics. Also mocking and scoffing. My “mother” gaslighting. Also coming up with all the reasons why none of my ideas would work or how pathetic or incompetent I am. I used to do it to myself all the time and now it’s a lot less. I still have to check myself tho Bcuz if I don’t pay attention, I’m sliding into a lot of “why can’t you ever get this right?” or self depreciating humor. Or “this will never work” (even when it feels quite inspired). Or “I’ll never be able to get that” (even tho it’s what I’d want the most etc).
It's so sad and stupid
Jerry, you know my late mother and grandmother's side of the family so well; it is eerie. 100%
Or when you tell them how what they do and say to you makes you feel you're told that's you, not them.
I know this because I was verbal abusing myself. Because, I thought that I was causing it.
Wow, every example of verbal issue you mentioned, I have experienced by my now deceased parents. And, then, my oldest sister has done the same thing which is why I am now no contact.
Jerry, Jerry Jerry. Omg this is correct. Especially the fat shaming. I mean I Am fat now. But, I was the right size when I was young. Even at my right size I was fat shamed. Then I lost 40lbs to get in the army. I think I was 128lbs. That nurse at Meps said I was morbidly obese. That got me. But, I kept it in. I had goals. For 7 years active duty army I was fat shamed. Badly. So bad I forgot about my mom and her perfect 5ft 2 wa earring a size 6 shoe. lol!!! So my sister that was 5’11 with large feet like myself said something about how perfect mom’s small body was. I rolled my eyes and told her how I always thought my sister looked great. Trust me she didn’t believe anyone would say that to her. And myself I still have mental issues about how I look. Even though I do get compliments. Outwardly I accept them. Internally I feel like a fraud.
Both of my parents are Narcissists, they are like this in everything.
Happy Mother's Day Ladies! One's at a funeral in France, the other's working and I'm good with that! Verbal abuse they're looking for drama for reasons to continue abusing, only an olympic sport as it can be done in under 10 secs and under 10 words or less, their lasts insults still hot off the press regardless of how long ago, staying fresh as to encourage us to stay away!
Thanks! For real. Abt all I ever do anymore is send via text one of those giffy type things. Then nobody bothers me much since I did my supposed “child duty.” 🙄 And then just in case I stay busy so I can beg off whatever may come my way. Lol. Funny tho. This year I kept forgetting abt the “holiday.” Lol.
Thank you Jerry, I grew up with an alcoholic, verbal abuse was the norm.
Me too, I feel very empathic with you! Terrible scenes,! Hope you had a grandma somewhere around or a friend around somehow. These were the persons who gave us strange. I thank my butcher, who always gave me a slice of sausage for free. I felt worthy. Sounds poor, but every little shine on some bodies Live makes a change!
Most welcome
My father was an abusive alcoholic and destroyed my mother, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I still hate his guts.He's long dead, but so much of my family still thinks so well of him, it makes me sick.
It's unconscionable Jerry. I hope one day it is punishable by law just as physical and sexual abuse is considered criminal. Because, in my opinion, it is criminal as well.
It still chokes me up that I experienced and accept that behavior from my own parents for decades.
"I might end up in jail but you'll end up 2m underground" (my father to me).
« Stop crying or I’m gonna give you something to cry about. » (father to me - constant physical abuse)
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out!” My mother to me
Anticipating the gaslighting, I'm not calling out any malignant verbally abusive message I received from a family member. Thank you so much for this tonight. I really needed it.
Thanks for watching!
I tell myself my parents (2 Scorpio narcs) hate me and I hate me too.
You're so soft spoken. I find myself speaking in the same tones my family used growing up. One of my goals in therapy is to remove those programmed tones and talk softer to myself and the healthy relationships I do have now. It breaks my heart when my fiance and my child recognize the tone as I recognized the tone when I was young in those around me, imagining how it felt then and how they must feel when I'm talking to them that way and them hearing myself talk to myself that way. My fiance has cried hearing how I talk to myself when he sees all the good to me. He says "I hope someday you see yourself as the wonderful woman I see you as" 😭 I'm thankful for him supporting and loving me through the messy clean up of narcissistic abuse.
The Covert Narc Ex, whom I finally divorced....did this non stop to me and told our kids to speak this way to me. I asked them all to stop, over and over. I told them it's verbal abuse, I explained how they were gaslighting, lying, triangulating, etc. Nothing worked....it angers them if I react, or ask them to stop. 20 years in that toxic marriage....and 23 years after it kept up. Then, daughter marries Son of an Alcoholic, and his Dad died from drugs....his MIL and husband do the same to me. They love to do it and control me. Alcoholic woman...daughter's MIL stands over me and says "What a shame, what a shame, what a shame"....as if she, a bully alcoholic needs to shame me. I'm not an alcoholic. I finally had to No Contact ALL OF THEM. They can not deal with me not allowing them to own and control my life. It's so disgusting to be around them. And now daughter has 2 children living with all of those toxic abusive adults. It's horrible.
Everything they have done is listed here and I feel validated. This is the most hurtful abuse they have done.
My parents are both narcissists and my mother is a jealous type and hates when I do good things
The stepmom once told me, bc I couldn't find something in the closet, "you dont have the brains God gave a goose!"
My mom used to say the exact same thing. To this day that expression absolutely grates on my nerves.
@@bar9666 I know, right? I still remember that and I'm 62!
I used to always blame my mother for her abuse...
But now I mostly blame my Enabler, Neglectful, Covert father. He ALLOWED the Abuse, Enabled it, and then would feed and play on it. Both of them would triangulate and feed off of each other. It's sick. Parasitic.
What kind of MAN allows an abusive wife to ABUSE his CHILDREN.
There is something extremely evil and selfish about that.
Sure, it's HER FAULT for HER ABUSE, but my Father NEVER PUT A STOP TO IT! Anything she said about me was FACT and he would PUNISH ME. She would always say "IT'S EITHER HIM OR ME!" My entire life I tried to get my father to "Pick me..." Now I realize there was never me.... and I don't want him anymore.
So very sad.
Pathetic Loser Men. Sure, if a father is abusive, the mother usually doesn't have much recourse to do anything for fear of physical violence (even though women can be dangerous or even moreso dangerous, men are physically stronger), but the father just letting his slob wife do whatever she wants? I've seen it TIME AND TIME AGAIN. It seems the Boomer Generation is filled with such relationships.
Don't take that in!!
If only you'd had a mother 🪿...At least she would've taken better care of you!
I feel so safe with Jerry.
So sad.
There are 1,000 ways that my stepmother uses to belittle me. Slight to cruel. Depending on her mood.
Thank you Jerry for clarifying verbal abuse. Many of us are so used to it growing up. It is normal to hear it. We have no point of reference as a kid and it continues as an adult. They never change. Even when they are dying.
.
When I took the MBTI personality test, I was told my personality "wasn't my fault." So who I was was defective.
The Mary Lou special.... My mother was a specialist in this. Took me to a movie at 9 to show me what hell is like. Children are suppose to mind. Bringing her church friends into a conversation about the mark of the beast so I could overhear, her fully knowing THAT number was part of my social. Using her twisted schemes as excuses to ship me off into situations that were precarious but of the church. Why do I have to go through a bunch of recovery because God did not care enough about me to knit me in a human womb? Trapped here wanting nothing, an afterthought to God. Do what and go where?
God is LOVE and that love is unconditional. He loves you very much! Sorry you got the wrong impression of God (Jesus).
I'm not celebrating Mothers Day horrible wmn is nothing to Celebrate
100%
Same here. I try to ignore it.
yep, you just described my childhood I can add physical abuse to that also, can't trust anyone, you don't know when they will turn on you, great insight, thanks
After I told my mother that dad was physically abusive to me (throw me against the wall head first because I looked at him wrong) she just said " your father loves you". He was my bully, plus I had another bully at my school where I went and my dad taught. I couldn't tell anyone about either.
Been through silent treatment its very controlling manipulative and passive aggressive
No matter what was accomplished, they said " that's good, now if you would just..." like lose weight or such.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.
💯
Understood... thank you.. looking back i realize.. despite my pleasures and joys... the pain inside my soul has been hell, and I never realized it..I was just busy worrying about whether or not I did something right or did something great. I didn’t have closure with my emotional lacking and loneliness and anorexic identity until I learned to heal and practice meditation, psychoanalysis, snd journaling.
3:30 gaslighting sentences
I heard all of those! 😢 I still have dreams about it sometimes, but the dreams are less frequent than they used to be.
Care about you and treat you bad at the same time! "I only yell at the ones I live the most!" "I expected you to stay right by me after I screamed at you!" "I expected you to know this!" That's what I still get and I'm almost 54! And of course I'm written out of the will but my sister isn't, GO FIGURE! 😅 I'm thankful anyway, I'm so over my step mom! And have a wonderful and loving boyfriend now that I never thought I deserved! Thank you GOD and thank you Universe 🙏🏻 thank you for your series of videos ❤
Mine called me stupid, embarrassing, fat ) plus many more I don't want to bore anyonw with),and you'll never have a man.fast forward, Im slim, married for 44 years in September. Don't miss that whacko of a mother at all! When her time came, she passed alone.
Thank you Jerry for this video. Appreciate it. FYI I'm getting so much better about being aware of and confronting narcissistic behavior. Wish I would have started decades ago. A friend suggested her brother speak at my pioneer cemetery tour, although she did say he could be a little controlling. I met him (along w/ a contractor) at the cemetery, and right from the get-go I was picking up on his 'charming' facade. Later I found out he was taking all the credit for improvements being made to the cemetery (an outright lie). I therefore blocked his telephone calls (he's out-of-state), and refuse to interact w/ him. Life is just too short. 🍀🍀🍀
❤️
I just wanted to drop in and say how helpful the phrase "I am not them and they are not me" has been for me. I found myself feeling nervous today and couldn't figure out why, so I sat down and asked myself what was going on, and realized it's because a conversation I had with someone earlier left me feeling responsible for their feelings in a way that was hardly detectable. So I pictured some of the people in my life who have made me feel that way, and held their image in my mind while repeatedly thinking the phrase. I feel much more calm now. It's interesting how I didn't realize what the cause of the nervousness was until I sat with it for a while. Thanks, Jerry.
You’re welcome!