“ She didn’t prepare me for life in the real world, she did not support me in anything, she wanted me weak and controllable. She wanted my life to be difficult when it didn’t have to be. She wanted me to fail. She interfered with me just becoming me and enjoying life.”. (someone else’s quote- but my experience)
I’m a nurse in long term care. I’ve had patients who’s kids never come around and I don’t blame the kids at all. In fact I’ve seen some that still show up and I can’t believe they are still getting emotionally abused. You should not feel obligated to care for someone who was emotionally or physically abusive
93..... Damn.... I hope like hell my mom won't live that long. LOL I don't know whether to leave my comment there, or tell you how truly sorry I am for yours going on that long.... its kinda a nasty thing to say to most people that dont understand thougb. (hugs)
good for you. and i'm so sorry. i know it was a difficult decision. people don't understand the guilt and confusion one feels when his/her toxic parent is aging. i'm proud of you. i still haven't mustered up the courage. @@suzanpeters1093
Some places have low income assistance care programs. I don’t know. Put them in a corner somewhere. The Time Out Corner. I’m going No Contact for a while. Thinking about sending First Alert brochure.
My elderly mother would be thrown out. She is absolutely obnoxious in every way.she has kept me ill for many years. She triangulates all the time. Never being shown love for your own mother is tough.I am grieving for the life I never had.
@lynn, you are not alone. But looking back is sorrow. It has taught me to be independent I left at 16 as soon as I could. I go to God and the Lord Jesus has saved my life many times. The Lord knows everything all things he knows our past and our future. When you love God he will turn bad things into your good just like he did with Joseph. But sometimes he instructs us to walk, turn away from wicked people. Second Timothy chapter 3 I would not let her make you sick anymore. Go to God, The Lord he promised to never leave us pray for forgiveness for you and her and he will help you and direct you the way you should go. I wish you PEACE AND LOVE. And don’t let the wicked ones steal it from you.
Yes!!! This is so true. I’ve gone no contact and blocked my mother on everything. She tried to guilt me by saying that I shouldn’t block her because she could die at anytime, that life is short and anything could happen, which didnt faze me one bit. I’ve made it up in my heart and mind that I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. She had MANY opportunities to become a decent person but instead she chose to be cruel and vindictive.
I’m sorry that happened to you too💖 It’s the worst!!!!! My father stole my SSI as a minor for himself then forced me to give him my paychecks when I graduated high school. If I didn’t work to give him money to take care of him by force, I was abused, assaulted, etc until I caved. Evil, pure evil. No contact is the right way to deal with evil parents💯👍🏻
"Caretakers often die before the Alzheimer's patient does." Realizing that with narcissistic parents at age 30, having moved back in after a divorce with a narcissist, im already dying. My health has been horrible my whole life and no doctors can tell me why. I want to leave so bad.
You may need a support group perhaps of people who can understand and mutually bolster each other's spirit, or at least one real friend and/ or a wise therapist, imo. I was in a somewhat similar situation quite a few years ago, and that is why I'm responding. You can get through this, however much you may feel disheartened due to the toxicity in the household. Persist in awareness, persist in love. You cannot change other people, only yourself, by growing in awareness, love, and actions of self- advocacy. Ultimately we are all connected, whether people see it or not. That said, try to remember it. Don't give yourself away to people who will drain your energies dry through their selfish subterfuge and do not withhold yourself from what the Best part within you suggests. At the very least there are online platforms like this one, which can be really quite helpful when they are of the excellent caliber of Jim Brillon's and a few others, but adjunct to this digitally mediated data, one needs real human connection, imo. If you have been molded by your parents into bearing the onus of a shame-based identity, you will need to learn to give that up, unlearn it. If you are a religious/spiritual person remember that you are a valuable human and remember that within you is the Presence, in your very Center. . . Pray and be Practical. Refrain from preying upon others. Do not let the narcissistic/arrogant sociopathic/psychopathic types in life take away your essential value. I.E., Do not let the toxic people bestow their shadow self upon you by trying to define you. You get to define yourself through your good-hearted actions and realistic optimism. I certainly wish you the best in this difficult situation. Sometimes the most trying situations are the ones we can grow the most through, however much we might wish we were not in them.
Thank you Thank you Thank You! My 84-yr-old covert narcissist mother has always had everyone fooled. She is super hard to be around and I have been doing the “Grey Rock” thing for years now without even knowing what that was! Her constant STARES and need for gossip to criticize others and build herself up are so tiring. She’s a lifetime victim. Just EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned in this video is SPOT ON. Makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not crazy
You described my narc mother perfectly. I still occasionally fall for her sneaky tricks (absolutely devious, like using my brother's email account instead of hers).
I feel bad that it has taken me over sixty years to greyrock. Now entire family is saying how cruel I am and how I will regret the time I don't spend with her. I am regretting the time I have wasted being abused
Please never feel guilty about deciding to end or limit your relationship with the narcissist parent, never feel guilty about how you decide to treat them regardless of their age because remember this: they destroyed you and your life ever since you were a tiny, innocent helpless child that didn't even do anything to incur their twisted behavior!! They never felt guilt or remorse or compassion and NEVER WILL!! So please never ever feel guilty towards them, you have every right to feel all other feelings but they don't deserve your guilt. Do it for your hurt inner child, they need you to stand up for them. Lots of love from a fellow narcissist abuse surviver❤💜
I can't believe I have lived this narcissist, golden child (sibling), scapegoat (me) my entire life & I am just now (in my 60's) learning about it. So sad.
Usually true, and, as Jim Brillon stated in the video, sometimes they "soften" . . . (? around the edges, a bit?). The unfortunate part is by the time they are old and need help, the damage has been done and they have completely alienated those whom they expect to help them, because of their long history of abusing them.
Same. Not worth it. That's her only hand -- manipulation. I'll have none of it. It is better to break the generational cycle of abuse. My kids are loved, and I have better friends than my emotionally immature narcissistic parents had. Their friends are scary. The relatives that stayed in contact with them are also scary. I am happier many states away from them, and learning to parent my kids from better role models.
The older they get, even if you’ve gone minimal contact, the more they filter you out so the family hate you when they pass. I’m slowly coming to terms with losing most of my family to her venom and manipulation.
I said goodbye 12 years before her cancer came back and killed her…. Never wanted her money didn’t care…. To cause trouble after she was gone … put in a trust my brother got half and my 2 kids got the other half… my brothers 2 girls wasn’t named at all in the trust…. He caused a lot of trouble with my golden brother….. they want to always cause trouble
For years, I asked my mother to move closer to me so I could care for her as she got older - but she always refused to leave her home. Now, she is frail and can no longer function by herself. She won't consider moving to assisted living, and refuses to allow home health care workers in her house. (quote"I don't want strangers in my home!"). Instead, she wants me to abandon my home and my husband - and move across the country to be her live in care taker. She has no regard for how this would impact my financial stability, or the strain it would place on my marriage. When I refused to move - she stopped taking my calls. Apparently her "mother's love" came with conditions. Please pray for me, friends... I am in an impossible situation.
Her silent treatment reaction shows how she still tries to manipulate you. Stay strong... you made good options so it is her choice, don't blame yourself.
It’s a hard place to be in I also offered my mother to move closer but she refused long ago before she got older she’s in a home now and expects me to visit her often gets anger and also uses emotional stuff I’m sick I can’t be alone today or constantly going to the er department.it’s been drawing been doing this for four yrs I got to set boundaries when I do she tells me how lonely she is don’t want to live .constant calling all day I need to change it’s such a hard lesson to learn I’m a codepedant and an enabler it has to start with me
You’ve nailed it! This video describes my life and current circumstances perfectly. It’s a very difficult, frustrating and sad situation. And unless you’re living it, other people just don’t get it.
My 93 year old mother is still at it. I have minimal contact with her - even though I miss my dad who is her enabler. It boils down to protecting my health and sanity. They will be gone someday, but I hope to preserve the remaining life I have.
I feel for your situation. If you miss your Dad, could you take him out of the home so that you could visit with him privately, even briefly? I say this because it sounds that he could benefit from the love of you, his child, and it sounds that you do love your father. We never know how long our loved ones will exist on this earth, so don't put off showing your love to him, please.
@KaarinaKimdaly My Dad was "not allowed" to have any contact with me without my Mom being present. It was an unspoken rule that we heard loudly. It was more important to him to keep the peace with her, than have a real relationship with me. I feel guilty saying that because he was a very kind person (married his opposite!) R.I.P. Dad!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Book by Karyl McBride This book helped me in so many ways. I want to always share it as much as possible. ❤ healing and hope for all!
My vulnerable narcissist Mother is 90 and her traits are worse than ever. She lives with me so she would have a good end of life. Her favorite go to is triangulation. My brother is 70 years old and ignorant of her tactics. He is a useful idiot. I am exhausted. Suggesting that I get counseling sounds good but I work full time and the cost of counseling is exorbitant. She is truly evil. I am currently watching RUclips videos on how to counter the manipulation tactic of triangulation.
My Golden Child bother (a Xerox copy of his mother) was forced to take care of her alone when she was sick and dying, as I went NC with them all 7 yrs ago. My discusting brother couldn't even find it in his black and empty soul to tell me she had passed and I found out months later thru my cousin. My brother was burdened with her and she was absolutely horrible to him when she waa sick, so they both got exactly what they needed in the end. Ultimately, a sad waste of a miserable existence. I was relieved to know she was finally gone.
This is so good and a reminder for me to keep an emotional distance. My mom is 92 and a covert hypochondriac narcissist. She tries to keep my brother and I stirred up emotionally with her trips to the ER for very minor, old age symptoms. All our lives she has been either sick or upset about her marriage and expected us to make her happy. There were times she seemed caring, which made it worse because she would draw us back in. She complained my whole wedding that her back hurt, and that’s the story she tells everyone about the time of my life that should have been a joy for her. We moved across the country to help my brother deal with her and dad 2 years ago. Dad is gone now and she lives alone. I fight to keep the boundary…. We refuse to move in with her because we lived there for 6 months and she wasn’t happy. NOTHING will make her happy and it’s true that they WILL NOT CHANGE. I’m so thankful for videos like these because they have helped me so much. I’m taking care of myself and doing things that fill me up and spark my passions. It’s getting to the point where mom is getting worse and we have to make some decisions and get home care, or Assisted-living. She constantly tells me that she’s glad she was able to take care of her mother, which she only did three months out of the year for about two years, and even when she did that, she was mean to her and yelled at her. She tries to make me feel guilty and I let her for a long time, but now I feel free. It’s sad that parents like this force us to harden ourselves towards them just to have some peace.
I could have written this, almost identical to my experience. I have such compassion for her as she ages and have found putting strong boundaries in place has helped and a realization that I am also important, her cup will never be filled by me or others.
My mom ( in assisted living) constantly brings up how lucky my dad was to have her to care for him during hospice. My sisters and I almost called adult protective services on her because she was so demanding and mean to him.
I feel like somehow yall are my siblings, these are my thoughts. All except my mom is still in her home. She wasn't mean to my grandparents but she likes to tell me how great she was to them. She even asked me recently, "I wiped papa's butt, are you willing to wipe mine?" I would have loved to answer back something snarky like "can't wait", but I just said yes. Lord help us
@@flowerpower3618 Same. My mother was hoarding the house up until my dad couldn't even pass his wheelchair through the hallways, so I did call Adult Protective Services, because we argued constantly about making the house safer. She refused to dehoard, like a petulant three-year-old. Finally, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, before he was even discharged from the hospital, she withdrew all the money from their joint bank account and put it all in a new account with her-name-only. I didn't find out about it until later, when she asked me to help her order checks because she couldn't figure out how to order them. She wanted to put my dad's name on them, but .... um.... he wasn't on the account. Then I asked her where was her Social Security going... where was my DAD'S SOCIAL SECURITY GOING? She had no clue what damage she'd done. Life-long selfishness. So I tried to help her, and she got paranoid and blamed me for trying to control her life. Life-long stealing from others..... leads to paranoia about everyone stealing from them. It's insane. For my own legal safety, because she's gone psycho, we are no-contact. I can't be accused of stealing, if I'm nowhere around this vicious woman. Oh... and she stole my dad's wallet, and watched as both he and I searched the house for it for WEEKS. Finally, he accused me of stealing it. Turns out, months later, it was found in her purse. She enjoyed triangulating me with my dad. Narcs are scary. Elderly narcs are psychopaths. Beware. Once you understand your mother was a malignant narcissist, divorce yourself financially and stay the heck away from them. I think she even did something to my daughter, because I let her give my daughter a bath during one of our visits to their house, and my daughter started screaming. I ran in there, but didn't see anything wrong. But after that my daughter NEVER wanted to go into that bathroom again. Nor does she like my mother. No contact. It is the only way for me and my kids to ward off this evil woman.
Thank you!!! You taught me what a malignant narcissist is years ago. Todays video hit the nail on the head in describing my mother to a T. It also reminded me that there is good life and relationships even in the midst of grieving and healing. Today mom would have turned 90 and I find myself feeling some compassion for her because she missed out on 3 generations of a fantastic family. What a great loss for her. At the same time a great joy for me to see my grandchildren growing up in healthy and loving homes. Working through the pain and trauma and learning new skills has been invaluable! Thank you for all you do!
I wish I would've known back then what I know now. Dealing with my aging narcissistic parents would've been VERY different. Listen to this advice multiple times if you need to and follow it as best as you can. Aging narcissistic parents are no joke. Stay safe ❤
Thankfully after growing up being the scapegoat in a family with a mother and sister who were narcissists. My mother at the age of 93 has mellowed. I still cannot trust her and she still finds ways of manipulating and degrading me. The behavior is much less that ever before. I do make myself available and help her when I can. I have strict boundaries and taking good care of myself today. About 5 years ago I went no contact with her for over 2 years. That is when I think she got the message that I wasn't going to put up with her crap any more and she made changes. However the sister is still a flaming narcissist, I deal with massive conflict when it comes to any communication. So it's minimal... grey Rocking. The growth process I have went through learning how to disengage, not get hooked into a manipulative conversation, not feeling guilty, not responding to traps. has been a long process. I went through years of counseling. Today, I can say I am a healthy happy person. Thank God!
Sometimes I feel that my biggest task is to try and love in the face of hate. I guess we all have to use our own discernment on a case-by-case basis. Thanks Jim
What a kind, thoughtful and helpful video. Thank you! I, for sure, have been struggling with the question of whether I am being gaslit or if they've genuinely forgotten. It really messes with you! The guilt and shame of, "how could I even think that?!", is so real.the cognitive dissonance can be crippling. I've been very very low contact, down to a handful of emails over the last 2 years, and it was gutwrenching for the first year. Excruciating. Now I feel very emotionally detached, and although it feels healthier, it is so foreign to me, and feels unloving and causes me concern. My husband says I've lived in such a heightened emotional state for so long (my whole life), that any decrease in attachment is going to feel unnatural to me, even though it is merely coming down to a normal level.
Thank you! I’m dealing with my narcissistic parent aging and cognitive decline, and I’m struggling between helping and sticking to my guns and not being manipulated. I returned from the being at the hospital all day after my father had a small stroke, desperately searching “how to handle a narcissistic parent in cognitive decline.” Needless to say, not a lot of help out there. So THANK YOU for helping me do the right thing morally and that’s healthy for me. RUclips numbers don’t reflect how much you help one person. #jimbrillon#givemealifeline
I cried by the end of this video. I have enrolled for therapy which I have been postponing for years. I'm 29 years old and have suffered my entire life. My mother is a Narcissist. I have always lied about her being nice to the world all my life. Cause that's what she has taught me. Every line in this video resonated with me. I have opted for a remote job just to be with her. I'm an adult with severe social anxiety and depression. Everyday living with her is PTSD. I've been criticised all my life and have a hard time accepting anything good in my life. I've decided for things to change now. I'm very hopeful that therapy will change my life.
Hi, your comment is/was me. I read a book a few years ago that helped me so much. It's called, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Book by Karyl McBride .... I hope you can read this book sometime. I really truly believe it helped me understand my mom and helped me heal in many ways. I still have to deal with my mom but only over the phone. Moving did wonders for a sense of freedom. I hold onto guilt but even that is fading too. Prayers to you and don't give up hope! ❤
All of this was revealed to me around turning 50. Be glad that you got your revelation earlier. Learn all that you can. I would strongly suggest Sam Vaknin, Dr. Les Carter (surviving narcissism) and Dr. Ramani. All on RUclips. This is a worldwide epidemic. The greatest awakening for me was realizing that it’s not just me. As I said, it is an epidemic, actually, it is a pandemic. A real one. Healing will come as you learn, I promise.
I’m actually afraid to write my actual comment out of fear THEY may somehow stumble upon it. My husband and I are both dealing with this issue each with our own mother. That’s right! TWO aging narcissistic mothers at the same time. Each with their own unique flavor of narcissism. We need to find a good therapist. Anyways. You’ll have to read the book if I decide to write it.😢 thank you for this video. I’m going to have my husband watch it too.
My father. And unfortunately I choose a man like him. His mother is a narcissist. She hated every woman in his life. When we split up she did not stop following me with her hate. A few months ago she moved into his place and called everybody she knows and she knows I know in town to tell them what a bad person I am. She is a monster. But I succeeded in leaving him, live my own life and be happy. I am 59, have a wonderful daughter and just need to see her, what a beautiful young woman she is, to be proud and happy and satisfied. I am very thankful for every moment in my life 😊
This is exactly what Im experiencing with my 77 year old mother. She is independent but is disregulated almost all of the time, is extremely angry, constantly gossiping and looks for reasons to validate her unhappiness. My brother is also a narcissist married to a borderline which adds another element of dysfunction. I can’t do this anymore and have to make changes. This video is so validating ❤
Thank you sir ,your spot on my 97 year old mam is a covert and i still live close to her and watch her its hell ,but on my own ive been spending less time with her and protecting my peace ❤
Exactly, they want to control and rule but they have zero potential to do so. Actually I admire an overt narcissist because they don’t hide it, they have what it takes. I disgust the covert narcissist, literally they have nothing to show, all they do is hide, pretend, inflicted with extreme victim mentality and shame.
This video was very helpful. watched it after searching "senior narcissist" , dreading another day caring for my 82yo father, retired mathematician (PhD) & recovering lifelong alcoholic (15 yrs sober!). He had a Masters degree 6 years before I was even born. If anything, I have a VANTAGE POINT to look at our current situation. I see & feel my own growth & here he is- frozen in time. Unchanged, behaving like the baby of the family he was & is reverting too. He was the youngest of 8. I recently learned he didn't learn to speak until almost 5 years old, because he didn't have to. His tired mother simply gave in to his whines & grunts, she was so overwhelmed. Thank you for your gentle words.
Excellent video! This is the very best advice I have ever heard regarding difficult elderly parents. Back in the day when I was working as a Certified Geriatric Care Manager, I had many clients with a “difficult” parent(s). And in those days we didn’t have the terminology or understanding about narcissistic people. I would see families who self admitted they were abused as children but they came together anyway to hire care for their elderly parent. And then there were other families who fought and argued about hiring care. So it’s not only dealing with a “difficult” parent, it is also the dynamic of dealing with siblings too. Perhaps some siblings had therapy and found their boundaries and some not. I even had quite a few that were caring for their parents from around the world. Thank you.
Hi Jim. Thank you for following through with starting a series on the aging narcissist, in any way they may impact their middle aged children with sibling triangulation, financial threats / extortion, guilt mongering and the wisdom of getting support. I take your info to heart and to expand on my story, with my mom and triangulated, former golden child, turned flying monkey, turned mirror image of mom, I was the former scapegoat. My frustration today is that my mother feels like I am her financial retirement plan, and my brother has such CPTSD that he’s eaten all his pain, literally and is not able to work-really he doesn’t want to. He and his wife moved in with my mom after some serious financial mismanagement. They are on food stamps. Mom gets meals on wheels. She resents sharing resources and is jealous that she only gets help from me-so she made sure for the last two years to keep us separated. I was out of contact until moms husband died two years ago, when she was 78…I tumbled down the rabbit hole and fell for the whole line about not getting any of his SS benefits. Which puts her at the poverty line. So I’ve been sending her money…and regret the decision to do so because she’s lying about her finances and is paranoid. Brother was living there for an entire year before I even found out. She refused to tell me because she thought I’d stop paying her money monthly-meanwhile she turned him into the scapegoat and he is living my childhood nightmare. I haven’t seen any of them in about 12 years. Don’t plan on it… I work a lot with elderly people who can barely afford food, due to rising interest…food…fuel…etc. they are going hungry and can’t work. It’s heart breaking to hear-my work involves helping them resolve their debt so that they can have money to eat. When you speak of guilt, and getting help it resonates…AND, there’s kind of like a survivor’s guilt mechanism inside of me that says I don’t owe them emotional support, I don’t owe her that new laptop, because the one I got her 2 years ago died last week. I don’t owe m be e any luxuries to them at all. But I cannot fathom letting anyone go hungry if I can eat. Compound this with the fact she didn’t plan for retirement. She has no $ for a home. Or anything. I talked to APS-no benefits available where she lives in AZ. I’m in another state. I don’t have $ to pay for her to go to a facility. And as we all know, she’s like a drowning person who would stand on my head and drown me on the way to surviving the inevitable. So I’m faced with he impossible task of dealing with the bitterness of taking away from myself now to help her…the obligation of it, due to her inability to fix what she never addressed…all the while knowing she’s going to get worse and could end up homeless and locked out of her hoarders home of 40 years. The no win situation inside of me is killing my spirit-and do you really think that there’s any therapist anywhere that will make me find a place inside that is going to feel aligned to walk away now…or feel better or not feel anything with what’s coming in the next 1-10 years? I asked you previously, in a no win situation, how does the middle aged scapegoat overcome the special hell of the lifelong anticipation that the other shoe is going to drop, when it’s absolutely going to? What’s the answer to this paradox? As you said, not many therapists are adept at dealing with this kind of a situation…so I beg you, please keep sharing your wisdom for all us daughters and sons who blew the opportunity to go NC when the parents were still viable, and are now in a front row seat of a horror show. Thanks again for taking this subject on. It’s equally hard to walk away at 20-49 from a toxic parent, but ladies and gents…do not get sucked in in later life if they are financially destitute of you will be put in an absolute no win situation with the worst outcome emotionally and financially that you would (impossible to) imagine! Don’t step on that land mine. You will inevitably hear a click. Roxanna
Oh roxana, that is so heartbreaking! Especially to empaths..... We don't like to see anyone suffering let alone our own parents or family..... Please stay Strong! It sounds like you mostly are, keep telling yourself that your mother has to pay for the consequences of her actions just like we all do😢
Oh my gosh....when my malignant narc female producer finally died in 2020 - age of 92! guess what - even the devil was not quite ready to put that evil reptile narc finally in her very own created hell - Went into no contact finally at the age of 56! - had to tell her at the phone.....to finally kiss my a.... that kind of language she did understand promptly!! Went into no contact from now on - and never went back - did not even go to the narcs funeral! Had to protect myself from toxic family mispoke! And last not least - finally found me a well educated trauma therapist - recently- at the age of 64 years, now. Kept searching about decades over here in Europe/Germany until I was lucky enough to find me - a real good therapist. Most therapist over here do not know enough at all - about narcissism - and the narc abuse from early childhood on, right. Old rept. narcs getting worster than ever. BEWARE OF THOSE MONSTERS!!
This is really good. One of the best and most complete run downs I've heard and EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now while caring for my 80 year old mom who has cancer.
Boomers threw Cozy out on 18th birthday, zero warning. After being homeless for a while, Army recruiter found Cozy and halp Cozy get paperwork - social security card, birth certificate, State ID. Cozy enlist in Army and got blowed up. While recovering at Walter Reed, a 30 minute drive, father said he was too busy and had to work. We no talk until 15 years later. Cozy comfy medically retired, father found Cozy e-mail and asked for help - mom left and took 50% of his pension. His health declining, said Cozy "owed (him)" Cozy said Cozy had to work and had no time or money, enjoy ghetto nursing home. Mrs. Cozy's parents live in our guest cabin they're from old country and care about us. Fin
This video perfectly describes The situation with my NPD mother, who may be in the beginning stages of dementia. Thank you for validating that I’m not crazy in what I see. I am my mothers primary caregiver right now and life is really difficult.
Thank you so much for this video and thanks to all the people who left comments. I feel validated after reading all the comments. Only people with toxic narcissists as parents can understand what we go through. Children with normal parents can’t relate so it’s difficult to find people who can support you.
This give me tears as I feel every single word of yours is deeply true and touched and I still feel vulnerable to this, most of times questions myself with all these recurrent guilts eventually lead me to devaluate myself. And it's getting harder when is financial abuse like you said. Everytimes I walk back into them, it always leave wounds in me. And I know I have to strongly constantly letting go of imprinting marks bearing inside of me as I still choose to remain in this relationship. But I'm contemplating for the future departure. Just gotta have enough courage and believe that I can be on my own and make it good.
I’ve lost all my closest friends while healing from childhood wounds and I recently moved home and now I’m micromanaged, gaslit, and obsessively being helped like I am a child. I am 34. My friends are getting married. I appreciate all of the free content online. If I am not working I am depressed because I am there.
I am 52 years old and I knew my mother was emotionally unstable. Now I realised she is s narcissist. So much guilt and stress all my life. Now she us aging and living with me. I really need distance. Even my kids are in her game😢
Thank you for the validation regarding the dementia diagnosis. Thank you for a brief moment of being “seen.” My therapist is great. My family is fundamentally supportive. However, your video spoke to me deeply. For anyone else who has decided to give any form of caregiving, please don’t forget a healthy sense of humor and self acceptance. Sending love. ❤❤❤
I'm pleased to hear I'm not alone ,, I cannot stress enough that this video is me and my 85 yr old mom.. My 72 year old husband is wheel chair bound and my life has been harder recently, my joys are my grandkids , unfortunately I gave up watching them bc my mother is demanding..I wish I had someone to actually talk to about this ,but this video comes close ..thankyou 💔
Very helpful. Just recognized with a therapists help that I’ve had many narc people in my life starting with parents. At 63 I finally walked away from the scapegoat role and am learning to feel very free. Don’t wait your whole life to recognize what is wrong in your life.
I'm watching this video because of my grandmother. She is 92 and has always been a VERY difficult person. Many therapists have been telling me she sounds narcissistic and I didn't want to realize. Now I do. It's worsened so mich with her aging, hurting everyone around her and then acting as if she was the victim. It's so hard. Thanks for that video, helped me a lot!
Thanks so much for this video. My father is a 92 year old narcissist squared. Your outline was very helpful. It’s sad but actually a relief to know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this. Always thought my family was just a dysfunctional family.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise on this painful topic. I found it most generous, kind and helpful……been discovering( at this late hour in my own journey) how much brokenness and suffering I have experienced at the coercive hands of a profoundly narcissistic mother. You give me a feeling of agency and strength. Blessings!
💔 I never knew this was my mother until I moved from another state to help her with my stepdad who has dementia. I retired after her asking me to make that move for over 15 years. As an adult turning 60 years old this year, I find that I had no idea this is actually who my mom, the woman who'd I give my life for is actually one of the biggest narcissist I've ever encountered in my life. You won't, until you live in the same house and as an adult. My heart is broken and I'm ready to pack up my things and move back to the state in which I left to help her. I feel like I'm alone on Mars and everyone, has to believe the sweet little 95 year old lady. At my age my peace of mind is priceless, for I too am counting my days on earth.😭💔💔💔💔
Thank you Sir. This video is very complete and concise. It is a confirmation of what I believe since around 5 years. It took me around 2 years before that of reading books on the subject and watching videos on RUclips to really understand this personality disorder and realize my father is a malignant narcissist and will never change. I am his 58 year old daughter and he is trying to hoover me back in and go live in Peru where I was born and he still lives. Hoovering me with his money; he is a rich and powerful man. I just subcribed to your channel. My usual language is French. I live in Switzerland.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful and calming. It was a challenging day and this gave me the ability to release some guilt and offer myself compassion.
you are WAY too kind, as some of them are truly a nightmare to deal with. These evil entities (in particular - if this condition is on a spectrum) belong in seperate units inside an ageing persons facility - and that is being merciful! if you have an ageing sociopath parent who has targeted you , its only way to heal and stay sane. There is a story of a friend who simply could not do it anymore. her older sibling 'golden child' took in the ageing narc and after some time- even he put the ageing narc into a facility. Not one of the children of this individual could manage them. Even past age 85 years, the narc was sharp as a tack, and lied to and decieved caregivers outside the family. the factthat they get worse with age is so tragic for them and their families. what creates such horrible persons, it begs the question. their entire lives just - ugh their are no words. deeply tragic. not everyone deserves to have families.
I know I won't be able to take care of my mother. My father is receiving hospice care. As soon as my father is going I have to set that boundary and I don't see my brother and SIL wanting the burden on their busy full schedule, NOT that mine isn't. I don't know how to get this through to my brother. I'm not interested in the Will. I know if will be a benefit for them and I care to have no part of it.
I moved in with my mom, who is definitely narcissistic; my sister saw it for years, but I didn't. Than my son stopped to see her on his honeymoon, and posted a picture, and she was starting to look frail. So I quit a good paying job that I loved, packed up and moved 800 miles from my home to be with her. About 2 weeks in, the head games were beginning, and it only get worse and worse and worse. It has cost me everything, and she has no thought or emotion on what I have walked away from.
I’m watching because my aging Inlaws are starting to become difficult. If I treat them like adults, it seems to get challenging. Complications happen and trying to reason with them as adults turns into arguments. They don’t speak fully or correctly, they cannot articulate what they are thinking very well, arguments begin and then it gets heated, I just want to go home but cannot always. Most days are good but we have our moments. I’m beginning to believe my best strategy is to be quiet, ignore what I see and avoid most anything more than hello or good bye. This is going to be difficult.
I live in typo land too, from time to time. I'm with you on your assessment of Jim Brillon, he is definitely an empathic, experienced, wise educator for us all. He lacks all pretense and pomposity. His heart seems pure to me.
You have spoken about a topic that so many people won’t. Thank you so much for that. My Mum was an overt Narc but she eventually a,ways realised what she’d done (she was bi-polar). I’m now stuck with my covert Narc Dad who gaslighted the shit out of her and is now trying to do the same to me. Thank you for recognising what they do and how we feel. I can hear you feel the same to in certain ways. I will feel very relieved too..
“ She didn’t prepare me for life in the real world, she did not support me in anything, she wanted me weak and controllable. She wanted my life to be difficult when it didn’t have to be. She wanted me to fail. She interfered with me just becoming me and enjoying life.”. (someone else’s quote- but my experience)
This was my experience as well.
I’m a nurse in long term care. I’ve had patients who’s kids never come around and I don’t blame the kids at all. In fact I’ve seen some that still show up and I can’t believe they are still getting emotionally abused. You should not feel obligated to care for someone who was emotionally or physically abusive
Hit the nail on the head. Is this from a book?
And mine.
Same
My 93 year old mother can make me physically sick. She refined her skills with age
93..... Damn.... I hope like hell my mom won't live that long. LOL I don't know whether to leave my comment there, or tell you how truly sorry I am for yours going on that long.... its kinda a nasty thing to say to most people that dont understand thougb. (hugs)
i believe it! my narc mother is 88 and she has fine-tuned her toxicity. Such a good victim-player and manipulator.
@@cindy7733i am starting to belive it is a serious spiritual affliction
My 92 year old father is the same way. I'm sorry.. I'm leaving within 30 days.
good for you. and i'm so sorry. i know it was a difficult decision. people don't understand the guilt and confusion one feels when his/her toxic parent is aging. i'm proud of you. i still haven't mustered up the courage. @@suzanpeters1093
Put their narcissistic wicked arse in a nursing home……. Now I know why nursing homes are packed.
How do you pay for that when the narcissist was irresponsible with their money and is broke?
Some places have low income assistance care programs.
I don’t know. Put them in a corner somewhere. The Time Out Corner.
I’m going No Contact for a while. Thinking about sending First Alert brochure.
@@andreacravinhos9603 Medicaid
My elderly mother would be thrown out. She is absolutely obnoxious in every way.she has kept me ill for many years. She triangulates all the time. Never being shown love for your own mother is tough.I am grieving for the life I never had.
@lynn, you are not alone. But looking back is sorrow. It has taught me to be independent I left at 16 as soon as I could. I go to God and the Lord Jesus has saved my life many times. The Lord knows everything all things he knows our past and our future. When you love God he will turn bad things into your good just like he did with Joseph. But sometimes he instructs us to walk, turn away from wicked people. Second Timothy chapter 3 I would not let her make you sick anymore. Go to God, The Lord he promised to never leave us pray for forgiveness for you and her and he will help you and direct you the way you should go. I wish you PEACE AND LOVE. And don’t let the wicked ones steal it from you.
Its hard not to take it personally when they ruin the quality of your life, and are nice to others
Aging narcs want what they never gave you
Never go back!
EXACTLY!
@@cindy7733
Please do not go back. You will not regret it.
Yes!!! This is so true. I’ve gone no contact and blocked my mother on everything. She tried to guilt me by saying that I shouldn’t block her because she could die at anytime, that life is short and anything could happen, which didnt faze me one bit. I’ve made it up in my heart and mind that I want nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. She had MANY opportunities to become a decent person but instead she chose to be cruel and vindictive.
Amen!!!!!!!!!🥰💖✨👍🏻💯
My mother demanded me to pay my own bills when i turned 14. No child should be used like this.
I’m sorry that happened to you too💖
It’s the worst!!!!! My father stole my SSI as a minor for himself then forced me to give him my paychecks when I graduated high school. If I didn’t work to give him money to take care of him by force, I was abused, assaulted, etc until I caved. Evil, pure evil. No contact is the right way to deal with evil parents💯👍🏻
They want sympathy and empathy but they never showed me any. Only contempt and disgust
Thanks dad
my dad blamed for his arthritis operation
"Caretakers often die before the Alzheimer's patient does."
Realizing that with narcissistic parents at age 30, having moved back in after a divorce with a narcissist, im already dying. My health has been horrible my whole life and no doctors can tell me why.
I want to leave so bad.
You may need a support group perhaps of people who can understand and mutually bolster each other's spirit, or at least one real friend and/ or a wise therapist, imo.
I was in a somewhat similar situation quite a few years ago, and that is why I'm responding.
You can get through this, however much you may feel disheartened due to the toxicity in the household.
Persist in awareness, persist in love.
You cannot change other people, only yourself, by growing in awareness, love, and actions of self- advocacy.
Ultimately we are all connected, whether people see it or not. That said, try to remember it.
Don't give yourself away to people who will drain your energies dry through their selfish subterfuge and do not withhold yourself from what the Best part within you suggests.
At the very least there are online platforms like this one, which can be really quite helpful when they are of the excellent caliber of Jim Brillon's and a few others, but adjunct to this digitally mediated data, one needs real human connection, imo.
If you have been molded by your parents into bearing the onus of a shame-based identity, you will need to learn to give that up, unlearn it.
If you are a religious/spiritual person remember that you are a valuable human and remember that within you is the Presence, in your very Center. . .
Pray and be Practical. Refrain from preying upon others. Do not let the narcissistic/arrogant sociopathic/psychopathic types in life take away your essential value. I.E., Do not let the toxic people bestow their shadow self upon you by trying to define you.
You get to define yourself through your good-hearted actions and realistic optimism.
I certainly wish you the best in this difficult situation.
Sometimes the most trying situations are the ones we can grow the most through, however much we might wish we were not in them.
😢💔🫂
So sorry... i feel physically sick as well. This is so sad and unfair. Why God??
This happened to me, I now have POTs, gastritis, so many gut issues, and potentially pancreatitis.
@@ilovedogs938 geesh, sorry to hear that. I'm curious- are there any occultic connections or affiliations in your bloodline? If so I can help
Thank you Thank you Thank You! My 84-yr-old covert narcissist mother has always had everyone fooled. She is super hard to be around and I have been doing the “Grey Rock” thing for years now without even knowing what that was! Her constant STARES and need for gossip to criticize others and build herself up are so tiring. She’s a lifetime victim. Just EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned in this video is SPOT ON. Makes me feel so much better knowing I’m not crazy
You described my narc mother perfectly. I still occasionally fall for her sneaky tricks (absolutely devious, like using my brother's email account instead of hers).
Waw spot on ,my 97 year old mam is exactly the same
I feel bad that it has taken me over sixty years to greyrock. Now entire family is saying how cruel I am and how I will regret the time I don't spend with her. I am regretting the time I have wasted being abused
Mine (75) is like that too. Always criticising others. I grew up in that atmosphere. And her playing the eternal victim.
Me too!@@carolstellman3632
Please never feel guilty about deciding to end or limit your relationship with the narcissist parent, never feel guilty about how you decide to treat them regardless of their age because remember this: they destroyed you and your life ever since you were a tiny, innocent helpless child that didn't even do anything to incur their twisted behavior!! They never felt guilt or remorse or compassion and NEVER WILL!!
So please never ever feel guilty towards them, you have every right to feel all other feelings but they don't deserve your guilt. Do it for your hurt inner child, they need you to stand up for them. Lots of love from a fellow narcissist abuse surviver❤💜
I can't believe I have lived this narcissist, golden child (sibling), scapegoat (me) my entire life & I am just now (in my 60's) learning about it. So sad.
Better to finally have the vocabulary so that you can educate, heal, and protect yourself further now.
😢 Yes ...😢
I'm 64 and am coming to the conclusion this is definitely narcisstic behavior..
It hurts ..😢
It is.. and imagine the generations b4 you who never learned what it was at all.
Took me four and a half decades to know. Education is unlocking so many from this beast.
Narcissistic parents do not get wiser with age. They do not get better either. They get worse, much worse.
Usually true, and, as Jim Brillon stated in the video, sometimes they "soften" . . . (? around the edges, a bit?).
The unfortunate part is by the time they are old and need help, the damage
has been done and they have completely alienated those whom they expect to help them, because of their
long history of abusing them.
This is discouraging to hear but good to know
They slip up on their intentions more.
I don't want any family heirlooms and precious old junk or any money enough to put up with anymore drama. It's not worth it!
Same. Not worth it. That's her only hand -- manipulation. I'll have none of it. It is better to break the generational cycle of abuse. My kids are loved, and I have better friends than my emotionally immature narcissistic parents had. Their friends are scary. The relatives that stayed in contact with them are also scary. I am happier many states away from them, and learning to parent my kids from better role models.
The older they get, even if you’ve gone minimal contact, the more they filter you out so the family hate you when they pass.
I’m slowly coming to terms with losing most of my family to her venom and manipulation.
The same here how we will stay noramal and healthy
🙏
The threat of taking me off of the will is something I hear almost every since year.
Do it. Get taken off the will, because the will is sure as hell not worth it your mental health or peace of mind.
Me too.
There probably isn’t even a will to begin with.
@@KosmicN. Agreed. I’d be surprised if there is one, in my parents’ case, anyway.
I said goodbye 12 years before her cancer came back and killed her…. Never wanted her money didn’t care…. To cause trouble after she was gone … put in a trust my brother got half and my 2 kids got the other half… my brothers 2 girls wasn’t named at all in the trust…. He caused a lot of trouble with my golden brother….. they want to always cause trouble
For years, I asked my mother to move closer to me so I could care for her as she got older - but she always refused to leave her home. Now, she is frail and can no longer function by herself. She won't consider moving to assisted living, and refuses to allow home health care workers in her house. (quote"I don't want strangers in my home!"). Instead, she wants me to abandon my home and my husband - and move across the country to be her live in care taker. She has no regard for how this would impact my financial stability, or the strain it would place on my marriage. When I refused to move - she stopped taking my calls. Apparently her "mother's love" came with conditions. Please pray for me, friends... I am in an impossible situation.
Her silent treatment reaction shows how she still tries to manipulate you. Stay strong... you made good options so it is her choice, don't blame yourself.
Hire a caregiver. She will need one.
Don't move. I gave up my job and had mine move in, an invalid. It's hell.
Don’t feel guilty for not moving it’s your life .Setting boundaries is the best thing I’m going thru same thing
It’s a hard place to be in I also offered my mother to move closer but she refused long ago before she got older she’s in a home now and expects me to visit her often gets anger and also uses emotional stuff I’m sick I can’t be alone today or constantly going to the er department.it’s been drawing been doing this for four yrs I got to set boundaries when I do she tells me how lonely she is don’t want to live .constant calling all day I need to change it’s such a hard lesson to learn I’m a codepedant and an enabler it has to start with me
You described everything I experienced as if you watched it with a camera.
You’ve nailed it! This video describes my life and current circumstances perfectly. It’s a very difficult, frustrating and sad situation. And unless you’re living it, other people just don’t get it.
My 93 year old mother is still at it. I have minimal contact with her - even though I miss my dad who is her enabler. It boils down to protecting my health and sanity. They will be gone someday, but I hope to preserve the remaining life I have.
I feel for your situation.
If you miss your Dad, could you take him out of the home so that you could visit with him privately, even briefly?
I say this because it sounds that he could benefit from the love of you, his child, and it sounds that you do love your father.
We never know how long our loved ones will exist on this earth, so don't
put off showing your love to him, please.
Why do these people live so damn long!!!
@KaarinaKimdaly My Dad was "not allowed" to have any contact with me without my Mom being present. It was an unspoken rule that we heard loudly. It was more important to him to keep the peace with her, than have a real relationship with me. I feel guilty saying that because he was a very kind person (married his opposite!) R.I.P. Dad!
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Book by Karyl McBride
This book helped me in so many ways. I want to always share it as much as possible. ❤ healing and hope for all!
My vulnerable narcissist Mother is 90 and her traits are worse than ever. She lives with me so she would have a good end of life. Her favorite go to is triangulation. My brother is 70 years old and ignorant of her tactics. He is a useful idiot. I am exhausted. Suggesting that I get counseling sounds good but I work full time and the cost of counseling is exorbitant. She is truly evil. I am currently watching RUclips videos on how to counter the manipulation tactic of triangulation.
May G-d bless you.
Therapy is too expensive!
You tube videos have been helping me.. for FREE 😊
i will not take their behaviors personally, not explain myself or engage...i know they wont change
My Golden Child bother (a Xerox copy of his mother) was forced to take care of her alone when she was sick and dying, as I went NC with them all 7 yrs ago. My discusting brother couldn't even find it in his black and empty soul to tell me she had passed and I found out months later thru my cousin. My brother was burdened with her and she was absolutely horrible to him when she waa sick, so they both got exactly what they needed in the end. Ultimately, a sad waste of a miserable existence. I was relieved to know she was finally gone.
This is so good and a reminder for me to keep an emotional distance. My mom is 92 and a covert hypochondriac narcissist. She tries to keep my brother and I stirred up emotionally with her trips to the ER for very minor, old age symptoms. All our lives she has been either sick or upset about her marriage and expected us to make her happy. There were times she seemed caring, which made it worse because she would draw us back in. She complained my whole wedding that her back hurt, and that’s the story she tells everyone about the time of my life that should have been a joy for her. We moved across the country to help my brother deal with her and dad 2 years ago. Dad is gone now and she lives alone. I fight to keep the boundary…. We refuse to move in with her because we lived there for 6 months and she wasn’t happy. NOTHING will make her happy and it’s true that they WILL NOT CHANGE. I’m so thankful for videos like these because they have helped me so much. I’m taking care of myself and doing things that fill me up and spark my passions. It’s getting to the point where mom is getting worse and we have to make some decisions and get home care, or Assisted-living. She constantly tells me that she’s glad she was able to take care of her mother, which she only did three months out of the year for about two years, and even when she did that, she was mean to her and yelled at her. She tries to make me feel guilty and I let her for a long time, but now I feel free. It’s sad that parents like this force us to harden ourselves towards them just to have some peace.
I could have written this, almost identical to my experience. I have such compassion for her as she ages and have found putting strong boundaries in place has helped and a realization that I am also important, her cup will never be filled by me or others.
My mom ( in assisted living) constantly brings up how lucky my dad was to have her to care for him during hospice. My sisters and I almost called adult protective services on her because she was so demanding and mean to him.
I feel like somehow yall are my siblings, these are my thoughts. All except my mom is still in her home. She wasn't mean to my grandparents but she likes to tell me how great she was to them. She even asked me recently, "I wiped papa's butt, are you willing to wipe mine?" I would have loved to answer back something snarky like "can't wait", but I just said yes.
Lord help us
@@flowerpower3618 Same. My mother was hoarding the house up until my dad couldn't even pass his wheelchair through the hallways, so I did call Adult Protective Services, because we argued constantly about making the house safer. She refused to dehoard, like a petulant three-year-old. Finally, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, before he was even discharged from the hospital, she withdrew all the money from their joint bank account and put it all in a new account with her-name-only. I didn't find out about it until later, when she asked me to help her order checks because she couldn't figure out how to order them. She wanted to put my dad's name on them, but .... um.... he wasn't on the account. Then I asked her where was her Social Security going... where was my DAD'S SOCIAL SECURITY GOING? She had no clue what damage she'd done. Life-long selfishness. So I tried to help her, and she got paranoid and blamed me for trying to control her life. Life-long stealing from others..... leads to paranoia about everyone stealing from them. It's insane. For my own legal safety, because she's gone psycho, we are no-contact. I can't be accused of stealing, if I'm nowhere around this vicious woman. Oh... and she stole my dad's wallet, and watched as both he and I searched the house for it for WEEKS. Finally, he accused me of stealing it. Turns out, months later, it was found in her purse. She enjoyed triangulating me with my dad. Narcs are scary. Elderly narcs are psychopaths. Beware. Once you understand your mother was a malignant narcissist, divorce yourself financially and stay the heck away from them. I think she even did something to my daughter, because I let her give my daughter a bath during one of our visits to their house, and my daughter started screaming. I ran in there, but didn't see anything wrong. But after that my daughter NEVER wanted to go into that bathroom again. Nor does she like my mother. No contact. It is the only way for me and my kids to ward off this evil woman.
@@kellyrhoads1067 Answer back! She can't slap you across the face anymore because when you're an adult, it's a crime!
Thank you!!! You taught me what a malignant narcissist is years ago. Todays video hit the nail on the head in describing my mother to a T. It also reminded me that there is good life and relationships even in the midst of grieving and healing.
Today mom would have turned 90 and I find myself feeling some compassion for her because she missed out on 3 generations of a fantastic family. What a great loss for her. At the same time a great joy for me to see my grandchildren growing up in healthy and loving homes. Working through the pain and trauma and learning new skills has been invaluable! Thank you for all you do!
It is exhausting
Exactly!
Extremely exhausting...daily
Everything that was said makes me feel better and not a horrible child of a narcissist.
I feel a lot more hopeless now knowing there's no way out. I mean there is a way...but I still want to live. This is too much.
All the advice I have read pretty much says you have to go no contact or they will just make your life hell. That is the sad reality.
It gets unbearable 💔 I 100% agree
I wish I would've known back then what I know now. Dealing with my aging narcissistic parents would've been VERY different. Listen to this advice multiple times if you need to and follow it as best as you can. Aging narcissistic parents are no joke. Stay safe ❤
Thankfully after growing up being the scapegoat in a family with a mother and sister who were narcissists. My mother at the age of 93 has mellowed. I still cannot trust her and she still finds ways of manipulating and degrading me. The behavior is much less that ever before. I do make myself available and help her when I can. I have strict boundaries and taking good care of myself today. About 5 years ago I went no contact with her for over 2 years. That is when I think she got the message that I wasn't going to put up with her crap any more and she made changes. However the sister is still a flaming narcissist, I deal with massive conflict when it comes to any communication. So it's minimal... grey Rocking.
The growth process I have went through learning how to disengage, not get hooked into a manipulative conversation, not feeling guilty, not responding to traps. has been a long process. I went through years of counseling. Today, I can say I am a healthy happy person. Thank God!
Get healthier so you can stop accepting even a slight amount of abuse. Seriously.
Gemmarose's advice is very valid.
Sometimes I feel that my biggest task is to try and love in the face of hate. I guess we all have to use our own discernment on a case-by-case basis. Thanks Jim
My biggest task too. Thank you for sharing. English is not my native language. You expressed my internal conflict and confusion. Appreciate.
Thinking you can love a narcissist was your first mistake. You are only playing a role in their fantasy.
I neither love nor hate them. Indifference is beautiful!
Learn detachment.
What a kind, thoughtful and helpful video. Thank you! I, for sure, have been struggling with the question of whether I am being gaslit or if they've genuinely forgotten. It really messes with you! The guilt and shame of, "how could I even think that?!", is so real.the cognitive dissonance can be crippling.
I've been very very low contact, down to a handful of emails over the last 2 years, and it was gutwrenching for the first year. Excruciating. Now I feel very emotionally detached, and although it feels healthier, it is so foreign to me, and feels unloving and causes me concern. My husband says I've lived in such a heightened emotional state for so long (my whole life), that any decrease in attachment is going to feel unnatural to me, even though it is merely coming down to a normal level.
Thank you! I’m dealing with my narcissistic parent aging and cognitive decline, and I’m struggling between helping and sticking to my guns and not being manipulated. I returned from the being at the hospital all day after my father had a small stroke, desperately searching “how to handle a narcissistic parent in cognitive decline.” Needless to say, not a lot of help out there. So THANK YOU for helping me do the right thing morally and that’s healthy for me. RUclips numbers don’t reflect how much you help one person. #jimbrillon#givemealifeline
I cried by the end of this video. I have enrolled for therapy which I have been postponing for years. I'm 29 years old and have suffered my entire life. My mother is a Narcissist. I have always lied about her being nice to the world all my life. Cause that's what she has taught me. Every line in this video resonated with me. I have opted for a remote job just to be with her. I'm an adult with severe social anxiety and depression. Everyday living with her is PTSD. I've been criticised all my life and have a hard time accepting anything good in my life. I've decided for things to change now. I'm very hopeful that therapy will change my life.
Hi, your comment is/was me. I read a book a few years ago that helped me so much. It's called, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Book by Karyl McBride
.... I hope you can read this book sometime. I really truly believe it helped me understand my mom and helped me heal in many ways. I still have to deal with my mom but only over the phone. Moving did wonders for a sense of freedom. I hold onto guilt but even that is fading too. Prayers to you and don't give up hope! ❤
@@ForeverNoble88 Thank you for the help and kind words, I appreciate it. I will be reading the book.
@msanjalisharmaa You're welcome, I'm glad you will read it, i couldn't put it down once I started. 🙂 Have a good day!
You can change your life. Therapy helps but ultimately we need to take the steps that help us get on with life. Stay strong
All of this was revealed to me around turning 50. Be glad that you got your revelation earlier. Learn all that you can. I would strongly suggest Sam Vaknin, Dr. Les Carter (surviving narcissism) and Dr. Ramani. All on RUclips. This is a worldwide epidemic. The greatest awakening for me was realizing that it’s not just me. As I said, it is an epidemic, actually, it is a pandemic. A real one.
Healing will come as you learn, I promise.
I’m actually afraid to write my actual comment out of fear THEY may somehow stumble upon it. My husband and I are both dealing with this issue each with our own mother. That’s right! TWO aging narcissistic mothers at the same time. Each with their own unique flavor of narcissism. We need to find a good therapist. Anyways. You’ll have to read the book if I decide to write it.😢 thank you for this video. I’m going to have my husband watch it too.
Can rip you with shock every time, so glad I discovered that it's not a shock it's narcissism, and loads of people have experienced it .
My father. And unfortunately I choose a man like him. His mother is a narcissist. She hated every woman in his life. When we split up she did not stop following me with her hate. A few months ago she moved into his place and called everybody she knows and she knows I know in town to tell them what a bad person I am. She is a monster. But I succeeded in leaving him, live my own life and be happy. I am 59, have a wonderful daughter and just need to see her, what a beautiful young woman she is, to be proud and happy and satisfied. I am very thankful for every moment in my life 😊
Wow.
You have actually just described my life to a T, in every detail. Thank you.
Mine too
This is exactly what Im experiencing with my 77 year old mother. She is independent but is disregulated almost all of the time, is extremely angry, constantly gossiping and looks for reasons to validate her unhappiness. My brother is also a narcissist married to a borderline which adds another element of dysfunction. I can’t do this anymore and have to make changes. This video is so validating ❤
Thank you sir ,your spot on my 97 year old mam is a covert and i still live close to her and watch her its hell ,but on my own ive been spending less time with her and protecting my peace ❤
Theory: powerless people trying to exert power. Like a baby
Exactly, they want to control and rule but they have zero potential to do so. Actually I admire an overt narcissist because they don’t hide it, they have what it takes. I disgust the covert narcissist, literally they have nothing to show, all they do is hide, pretend, inflicted with extreme victim mentality and shame.
100%
This video was very helpful. watched it after searching "senior narcissist" , dreading another day caring for my 82yo father, retired mathematician (PhD) & recovering lifelong alcoholic (15 yrs sober!). He had a Masters degree 6 years before I was even born. If anything, I have a VANTAGE POINT to look at our current situation. I see & feel my own growth & here he is- frozen in time. Unchanged, behaving like the baby of the family he was & is reverting too. He was the youngest of 8. I recently learned he didn't learn to speak until almost 5 years old, because he didn't have to. His tired mother simply gave in to his whines & grunts, she was so overwhelmed. Thank you for your gentle words.
Obviously he was autistic
That a demonic spirit when you see beyond the physical realm of the world.
Narcissist are so draining. Me, my sister and my aunt take weeks to recover after dealing with my narcissistic mother.
I NEEEED to hear this all on repeat until she passes. Maybe longer, idk. This. is. my. life!!
Excellent video! This is the very best advice I have ever heard regarding difficult elderly parents. Back in the day when I was working as a Certified Geriatric Care Manager, I had many clients with a “difficult” parent(s). And in those days we didn’t have the terminology or understanding about narcissistic people. I would see families who self admitted they were abused as children but they came together anyway to hire care for their elderly parent. And then there were other families who fought and argued about hiring care. So it’s not only dealing with a “difficult” parent, it is also the dynamic of dealing with siblings too. Perhaps some siblings had therapy and found their boundaries and some not. I even had quite a few that were caring for their parents from around the world.
Thank you.
Hi Jim. Thank you for following through with starting a series on the aging narcissist, in any way they may impact their middle aged children with sibling triangulation, financial threats / extortion, guilt mongering and the wisdom of getting support.
I take your info to heart and to expand on my story, with my mom and triangulated, former golden child, turned flying monkey, turned mirror image of mom, I was the former scapegoat.
My frustration today is that my mother feels like I am her financial retirement plan, and my brother has such CPTSD that he’s eaten all his pain, literally and is not able to work-really he doesn’t want to.
He and his wife moved in with my mom after some serious financial mismanagement. They are on food stamps. Mom gets meals on wheels. She resents sharing resources and is jealous that she only gets help from me-so she made sure for the last two years to keep us separated.
I was out of contact until moms husband died two years ago, when she was 78…I tumbled down the rabbit hole and fell for the whole line about not getting any of his SS benefits. Which puts her at the poverty line.
So I’ve been sending her money…and regret the decision to do so because she’s lying about her finances and is paranoid. Brother was living there for an entire year before I even found out. She refused to tell me because she thought I’d stop paying her money monthly-meanwhile she turned him into the scapegoat and he is living my childhood nightmare.
I haven’t seen any of them in about 12 years. Don’t plan on it…
I work a lot with elderly people who can barely afford food, due to rising interest…food…fuel…etc. they are going hungry and can’t work. It’s heart breaking to hear-my work involves helping them resolve their debt so that they can have money to eat.
When you speak of guilt, and getting help it resonates…AND, there’s kind of like a survivor’s guilt mechanism inside of me that says I don’t owe them emotional support, I don’t owe her that new laptop, because the one I got her 2 years ago died last week. I don’t owe m be e any luxuries to them at all. But I cannot fathom letting anyone go hungry if I can eat.
Compound this with the fact she didn’t plan for retirement. She has no $ for a home. Or anything. I talked to APS-no benefits available where she lives in AZ.
I’m in another state.
I don’t have $ to pay for her to go to a facility. And as we all know, she’s like a drowning person who would stand on my head and drown me on the way to surviving the inevitable.
So I’m faced with he impossible task of dealing with the bitterness of taking away from myself now to help her…the obligation of it, due to her inability to fix what she never addressed…all the while knowing she’s going to get worse and could end up homeless and locked out of her hoarders home of 40 years.
The no win situation inside of me is killing my spirit-and do you really think that there’s any therapist anywhere that will make me find a place inside that is going to feel aligned to walk away now…or feel better or not feel anything with what’s coming in the next 1-10 years?
I asked you previously, in a no win situation, how does the middle aged scapegoat overcome the special hell of the lifelong anticipation that the other shoe is going to drop, when it’s absolutely going to?
What’s the answer to this paradox? As you said, not many therapists are adept at dealing with this kind of a situation…so I beg you, please keep sharing your wisdom for all us daughters and sons who blew the opportunity to go NC when the parents were still viable, and are now in a front row seat of a horror show.
Thanks again for taking this subject on.
It’s equally hard to walk away at 20-49 from a toxic parent, but ladies and gents…do not get sucked in in later life if they are financially destitute of you will be put in an absolute no win situation with the worst outcome emotionally and financially that you would (impossible to) imagine! Don’t step on that land mine. You will inevitably hear a click.
Roxanna
Oh roxana, that is so heartbreaking! Especially to empaths..... We don't like to see anyone suffering let alone our own parents or family..... Please stay Strong! It sounds like you mostly are, keep telling yourself that your mother has to pay for the consequences of her actions just like we all do😢
God bless you, RL.
What an incredibly helpful video.. I am struggling with a parent in this way right now.
Myself also…❤
Oh my gosh....when my malignant narc female producer finally died in 2020 - age of 92! guess what - even the devil was not quite ready to put that evil reptile narc finally in her very own created hell - Went into no contact finally at the age of 56! - had to tell her at the phone.....to finally kiss my a.... that kind of language she did understand promptly!!
Went into no contact from now on - and never went back - did not even go to the narcs funeral! Had to protect myself from toxic family mispoke!
And last not least - finally found me a well educated trauma therapist - recently- at the age of 64 years, now.
Kept searching about decades over here in Europe/Germany until I was lucky enough to find me - a real good therapist. Most therapist over here do not know enough at all - about narcissism - and the narc abuse from early childhood on, right. Old rept. narcs getting worster than ever. BEWARE OF THOSE MONSTERS!!
This is really good. One of the best and most complete run downs I've heard and EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now while caring for my 80 year old mom who has cancer.
Boomers threw Cozy out on 18th birthday, zero warning. After being homeless for a while, Army recruiter found Cozy and halp Cozy get paperwork - social security card, birth certificate, State ID. Cozy enlist in Army and got blowed up. While recovering at Walter Reed, a 30 minute drive, father said he was too busy and had to work. We no talk until 15 years later. Cozy comfy medically retired, father found Cozy e-mail and asked for help - mom left and took 50% of his pension. His health declining, said Cozy "owed (him)"
Cozy said Cozy had to work and had no time or money, enjoy ghetto nursing home.
Mrs. Cozy's parents live in our guest cabin they're from old country and care about us.
Fin
This video perfectly describes The situation with my NPD mother, who may be in the beginning stages of dementia. Thank you for validating that I’m not crazy in what I see. I am my mothers primary caregiver right now and life is really difficult.
Thank you so much for this video and thanks to all the people who left comments. I feel validated after reading all the comments. Only people with toxic narcissists as parents can understand what we go through. Children with normal parents can’t relate so it’s difficult to find people who can support you.
Thank you! Not sure if you look at these comments but every single thing you have said is what im living.😔
Every single thing he said I'm living too...and have been living most of my life
Me too. I felt like he was speaking about me 💔
This give me tears as I feel every single word of yours is deeply true and touched and I still feel vulnerable to this, most of times questions myself with all these recurrent guilts eventually lead me to devaluate myself. And it's getting harder when is financial abuse like you said. Everytimes I walk back into them, it always leave wounds in me. And I know I have to strongly constantly letting go of imprinting marks bearing inside of me as I still choose to remain in this relationship. But I'm contemplating for the future departure. Just gotta have enough courage and believe that I can be on my own and make it good.
Me too, just now.
I’ve lost all my closest friends while healing from childhood wounds and I recently moved home and now I’m micromanaged, gaslit, and obsessively being helped like I am a child. I am 34. My friends are getting married. I appreciate all of the free content online. If I am not working I am depressed because I am there.
I’m also threatened to be taken to get help while my mother refuses to go to therapy with me and blames everyone around her.
I am 52 years old and I knew my mother was emotionally unstable. Now I realised she is s narcissist. So much guilt and stress all my life. Now she us aging and living with me. I really need distance. Even my kids are in her game😢
Make it happen so that you don't lose your kids, narcissists are crafty and manipulative, you and your children deserve stability.
Ame boat here
Thank you for the validation regarding the dementia diagnosis. Thank you for a brief moment of being “seen.” My therapist is great. My family is fundamentally supportive. However, your video spoke to me deeply. For anyone else who has decided to give any form of caregiving, please don’t forget a healthy sense of humor and self acceptance. Sending love. ❤❤❤
Wow. Every moment of this talk is spot on and useful for me. Thank you.
I agree
I'm pleased to hear I'm not alone ,, I cannot stress enough that this video is me and my 85 yr old mom..
My 72 year old husband is wheel chair bound and my life has been harder recently, my joys are my grandkids , unfortunately I gave up watching them bc my mother is demanding..I wish I had someone to actually talk to about this ,but this video comes close ..thankyou 💔
My Mom wanted me to see my grandkids less, and do more for her! Unbelievable! I've done more for her than I should have.
Very helpful. Just recognized with a therapists help that I’ve had many narc people in my life starting with parents. At 63 I finally walked away from the scapegoat role and am learning to feel very free. Don’t wait your whole life to recognize what is wrong in your life.
I'm watching this video because of my grandmother. She is 92 and has always been a VERY difficult person. Many therapists have been telling me she sounds narcissistic and I didn't want to realize. Now I do. It's worsened so mich with her aging, hurting everyone around her and then acting as if she was the victim. It's so hard.
Thanks for that video, helped me a lot!
MAN, DID THIS HIT HOME FOR ME!!!!
Thanks so much for this video. My father is a 92 year old narcissist squared. Your outline was very helpful. It’s sad but actually a relief to know I’m not the only one who has dealt with this. Always thought my family was just a dysfunctional family.
I feel zero guilt towards them, I believe others will find out with time when they see I could care less.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise on this painful topic. I found it most generous, kind and helpful……been discovering( at this late hour in my own journey) how much brokenness and suffering I have experienced at the coercive hands of a profoundly narcissistic mother. You give me a feeling of agency and strength. Blessings!
This is very true
Wow, thank you very much. I was so guilt ridden. 😊
💔 I never knew this was my mother until I moved from another state to help her with my stepdad who has dementia. I retired after her asking me to make that move for over 15 years. As an adult turning 60 years old this year, I find that I had no idea this is actually who my mom, the woman who'd I give my life for is actually one of the biggest narcissist I've ever encountered in my life. You won't, until you live in the same house and as an adult. My heart is broken and I'm ready to pack up my things and move back to the state in which I left to help her. I feel like I'm alone on Mars and everyone, has to believe the sweet little 95 year old lady. At my age my peace of mind is priceless, for I too am counting my days on earth.😭💔💔💔💔
It hurts but you have to be strong for yourself, let her go!
This is exactly where I am right now with my mother. It’s like you were talking about my life. This began 2 years ago when my dad passed.
Excellent. Timely. Thank you.
Thank you Sir.
This video is very complete and concise.
It is a confirmation of what I believe since around 5 years. It took me around 2 years before that of reading books on the subject and watching videos on RUclips to really understand this personality disorder and realize my father is a malignant narcissist and will never change. I am his 58 year old daughter and he is trying to hoover me back in and go live in Peru where I was born and he still lives. Hoovering me with his money; he is a rich and powerful man.
I just subcribed to your channel. My usual language is French. I live in Switzerland.
Thank you for this video. It was so helpful and calming. It was a challenging day and this gave me the ability to release some guilt and offer myself compassion.
you are WAY too kind, as some of them are truly a nightmare to deal with. These evil entities (in particular - if this condition is on a spectrum) belong in seperate units inside an ageing persons facility - and that is being merciful! if you have an ageing sociopath parent who has targeted you , its only way to heal and stay sane. There is a story of a friend who simply could not do it anymore. her older sibling 'golden child' took in the ageing narc and after some time- even he put the ageing narc into a facility. Not one of the children of this individual could manage them. Even past age 85 years, the narc was sharp as a tack, and lied to and decieved caregivers outside the family. the factthat they get worse with age is so tragic for them and their families. what creates such horrible persons, it begs the question. their entire lives just - ugh their are no words. deeply tragic. not everyone deserves to have families.
All true.
Went through it all.
It's done now. 🙏
I know I won't be able to take care of my mother. My father is receiving hospice care. As soon as my father is going I have to set that boundary and I don't see my brother and SIL wanting the burden on their busy full schedule, NOT that mine isn't. I don't know how to get this through to my brother. I'm not interested in the Will. I know if will be a benefit for them and I care to have no part of it.
Thank you Thank you Thank you!
I feel like this needs to be 2 different videos one for scapegoats and one for golden children.
You can be both
@@thereisnosanctuary6184No you can’t. I wish I were the golden child!
@@Gemmarose9012
2 vs 1.
I win.
You're wonderful!
Amazing video thank you so much
I moved in with my mom, who is definitely narcissistic; my sister saw it for years, but I didn't. Than my son stopped to see her on his honeymoon, and posted a picture, and she was starting to look frail. So I quit a good paying job that I loved, packed up and moved 800 miles from my home to be with her. About 2 weeks in, the head games were beginning, and it only get worse and worse and worse. It has cost me everything, and she has no thought or emotion on what I have walked away from.
It's all about them. They whine and cry about their sacrifices but don't acknowledge anyone else's.
Thank you for speaking with such clarity
Thank you so much for this video. Really helpful
Thank you for this validation of our experience.
Thank you, thank you, thank you😃🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Just what I needed to listen❤
Thank you, very helpful.
Everything you describe is exactly my life right now living and dealing with my aging narcissistic Mother with Alzheimer's!
Thank you so much. I needed this today. 😢
Wow
This is so helpful. Thank you. Very validating
Great video that touches on so many relevant points.
100 percent accurate, so helpful!
My narc mother conned me out of all my money 25yrs ago She is 97
Im glad i saw this video it has given me awhole new perspective. ,,,,
so pertitent and helpful thank you
Thank you❤
I’m watching because my aging Inlaws are starting to become difficult. If I treat them like adults, it seems to get challenging. Complications happen and trying to reason with them as adults turns into arguments. They don’t speak fully or correctly, they cannot articulate what they are thinking very well, arguments begin and then it gets heated, I just want to go home but cannot always. Most days are good but we have our moments. I’m beginning to believe my best strategy is to be quiet, ignore what I see and avoid most anything more than hello or good bye. This is going to be difficult.
Thank you so much . The stuff she says my lord your so smart sir wow
Thank you! For all that you have to say regarding this mentally delibitating problem for SO many!!🙏
You are the best online therapist i have. been listening to..Calm, and with the best communication skills ever.Thank you from Nirway❤
I live in typo land too, from time to time.
I'm with you on your assessment of Jim Brillon, he is definitely an empathic, experienced, wise educator for us all.
He lacks all pretense and pomposity. His heart seems pure to me.
You have spoken about a topic that so many people won’t. Thank you so much for that. My Mum was an overt Narc but she eventually a,ways realised what she’d done (she was bi-polar). I’m now stuck with my covert Narc Dad who gaslighted the shit out of her and is now trying to do the same to me. Thank you for recognising what they do and how we feel. I can hear you feel the same to in certain ways. I will feel very relieved too..
Like a script if my life with my mom, verbatim ! Thank you