Narcissistic Parents: Unfair Ways they Play Favorites
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- Опубликовано: 21 май 2024
- Narcissistic parents often manipulate their children by playing favorites, creating a toxic family dynamic that persists into adulthood. They bestow excessive praise on one child while neglecting or criticizing another, fostering jealousy and rivalry. This favoritism serves their need for control and admiration, causing lasting emotional harm and disrupting healthy sibling relationships.
Understanding these tactics is crucial for learning to remain unaffected by unfair dynamics and to stay self-differentiated, even if the narcissistic behavior never changes.
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DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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You can refuse to be a scapegoat, but only when you don't depend on them for survival and shelter anymore.
What a painful way to get started on life 😢
If you were the scapegoat, you were never the favorite 🙋🏽♀️🥹
No, we were the favorite ones - favorite to offload all the bs onto
Couldn’t agree more 🙋🏻♀️
In an interesting twist I built a resiliency due to being neglected and abused that has catapulted me ahead of almost everyone else. You see I knew I would be homeless if I failed so I didn't I learned to hustle and grind and won. Now my father loves to compare my success to my siblings who they spoiled and as a result are failures. He loves to claim credit for my success and will compliment me by comparison to my less successful siblings. I'm thinking I'm where I'm at in spite of you not because.
@@eq2092 excellent point. As soon as they could use you to boost their egos they switched you to the golden child.
Insidious they are 🐍
So abusive.
My mother bragged about my achievements to her “fawning” audience while shaming me as the scapegoat in private.
I can relate 😢
I’ll never forget my dad bragging about how brilliant we were - only to disparage us and tell everyone how ashamed he was when we were starting college and struggling. (Like, “didn’t get a 4.0 but instead got a 3.5” struggling.)
Ditto!!
"You are as good as they think you are bad" in a narcissistic family system. Gonna let that sink in.
I must be Jesus
That hit deep
Whoa that was deep and 💯
You are as good as they *know* you are
I'm so angry when I realize what they did to me.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
I have learned to turn the anger into appreciation that I am smart enough to have gotten away from the toxic people and am now living a happy, healthy life. ❤
The biggest red flag is someone who doesn’t see anything wrong with favouritism. To them, it’s justifiable.
Or when they try to gaslight you into believing it's not there.
@kelseystout8360 and they try to act compassionate but that compassion is no where near as the attentiveness and full attention they give to the other sibling.
I got this one all the time before I gave up: "equal doesn't mean fair. Each sibling has different needs." I was told by my mother that I was "overly independent" but pretty much anyone familiar would be able to identify the codependent tendencies. So it was all a projection, labels to maintain the status quo.
My husband's parents rationale why my husband's younger brother was the favorite is, "Because he needed us most and he needed our help." Now the younger brother is a convicted felon. My husband on the other hand is a retired military man who serve our country and aparently greedy and only after their money. I kid you not.
Can't fake love forever.
Such a painful realization. My husband’s family treats him like he doesn’t exist. They have never wanted to be in our lives. Meanwhile his siblings have had weddings paid for, houses paid for, free land, they also take care of their grandchildren. They’ve never called to see our kid, never ask to spend time with her, never stop by to see her. It was always us making an effort. We dropped the rope and it’s been silence ever since. 1 year no contact in June. We are happier and healthier away from the favoritism. Our kids will be able to say we worked hard for everything we have and we loved them equally. ❤ thanks Jerry
Outstanding, I understand your husband's pain my family treats me the same way. I have lived in or near Orlando, FL for the past 7-years and I have lost count of the times family members who have come here for vacation and I found out about it after the fact on social media. Let's not get me started on resource denial.
You're describing my family situation. My parents rejected my children( son & daughter) I was the family scapegoat and 1 of 8 siblings. Unfortunately you at the beginning have to make up LIES as to why grandpop & grand ma don't want to see them. If my kids did see them, I had to make the effort. Now my parents are gone, I am alienated from my siblings (3 golden, 5 invisible), and my Ex was a covert narcissist and my kids are following in her footsteps. We hang around or befriend what is normal to us until you BREAK the pattern...God Bless
You’re welcome!❤️
So sorry. You did the best thing because his parents will end up treating your children poorly. I have been through it. It is best for all of you.
You aren't alone my dear.. the best decision is to just stop trying. Go no contact...its better for your mental health & that of your dysfunctional family. Just enjoy the love you have in your life....short time we all have here....nothing you will ever do will change their perception of you. Go with God❤
I raised my children the complete opposite of how I was raised. My children are older now and we gave a wonderful relationship. I became the mother I wished I had..
Black sheep here. One time a friend of mine sent me something that said, sometimes the black sheep is the only one telling the truth! 100% on point!!!
The most psychologically healthy, intuitive and empathetic. We are a threat bc we don't prop up the narcissistic parent's phony and false mask
I asked my dad when I was 7 why my mother didn’t treat me the same as my two older sisters? She rejected me and ignored me all throughout my life. His response was “that’s just how it is.” I asked my mother when I was 58 years old as I painted their fence in sweltering summer heat why she blatantly excludes me all the time compared to the other two. Her response “that’s just how it is”. I’ve been excluded from birthday parties by my sisters that they had for my parents. Myself and my child were smacked by my oldest sister. My pup beat with a baseball bat by a brother in law. I finally just walked away over a year ago when the treatment was so bad after the death of my oldest son. Wish I would’ve done it years ago.
It is a liberating feeling when you walk COMPLETELY AWAY.
They hated you and you kept being codependent slavish for them painting their fence and such! They don’t care how you feel. And will keep using you selfishly as long as you are trauma bonded. Good you finally broke that cycle on yourself! It takes your soul in time! Once you seek help figuring out that abuse and why you are codependent to your detriment, you then can find your real self and heal as I did! Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️
@@Juke582. Thank you for the hugs and love. And yes. They are def users. We were basically slaves as children. We cooked cleaned washed and ironed. We did yard work. My mother had to do nothing. If we sat down my dad would be on us “what can you do for your mother?” I’ll be in therapy the rest of my life probably but it’s ok. I’m free.
🥲sad so sad.... have a 🫂 from me. You aren't alone...lots of us on here.. They'll take & take then discard you as trash when you are all sucked out....gasping for breath & wondering... when are they going to come... Know this! THEY NEVER WILL... Cry if you must...for the loss & try enjoy your Life! I believe in God so it helps a lot... l find comfort in my faith.. YOU ARE ENOUGH!
@@queensophiab.9990. Thank you. I believe in God also. Faith has helped yes. Sometimes I wonder though why God gives children to people like that. Children are a gift. A treasure. Not to be used and abused.
"Uses information as currency." Especially others' secrets. Narcissists will never tell you their secrets.
Thank you for illustrating so clearly how pernicious these dysfunctional family dynamics affect one's inner life and peace.
I christened our mother was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". It seemed the seed of her narcissism was envy of anyone or anything that took attention away from her: she frequently did everything in her power to denigrate, deconstruct, marginalize, deny any superlative in her presence.
@@DHW256NICE ONE. My MIL loves to talk about people behind their back, especially her daughter and how happy she’d be “if she’d just lose weight.” Or how mean everyone was to her and how she can’t trust anyone to be her friend. Ummm they aren’t perfect - no one is. Maybe stop scaring people away??
@@katiefrankie6 I finally realized the only thing I could do to help Mom was walk away. Anything and everything I said, and did for her, was misconstrued to make me look like a fool, and make her look like a victim. I became a loosed cog that could no longer make her miserable ;)
It starts from when ur little.
They give every child 5 cookies each, but they give u 1 cookie. When u complain, the accused u of being a problem.
The sad part is they have none favorite, they just use the "favorite" to hurt the scapegoat, sounds weird, but the attention is giving to the scapegoat, the golden child it's only the tool or weapon they use to hurt the scapegoat.
I sort of see it that way too, we were all tools, not just me as a scapegoat.
@@moirosalina exactly! I was the scapegoat, I do refuse to keep being it, narcs parents see their kids as mere chess pieces in their imaginary world. They life it's so miserable to the point they create drama and conflict around, that keeps them entertaining and it's source of supply.
The scapegoat is usually the golden child! The most successful who runs away from the toxic family unit! Like so did!
Very interesting perspective! My sister was the golden child
The favourite in my family was the dumbest child. My mother didn't like smart people.
_"You are as good as they think you are bad in a narcissistic family: 'cause up is down, and down is up."_ Jerry, I wish your information was available decades ago.
Our mother pathologically perpetrated everything you describe in this video. She was easily the most difficult person in my life, and I finally walked away at 46 years old, though I'd contemplated doing so since my early teens. Since those early days, people outside the family have said they knew something was wrong, but they didn't know how to help.
Yep, lot of favoritism and sibling comparison in my family.
I learned this one long ago. My role varied, but I was never the favorite. Invisible child and scapegoat were the assigned roles along with comic relief.
Same here, its a painful and lonely road as an invisible child/scapegoat.
I hated being the favorite because my life and milestones were stolen by my narcissistic parents. Plus, they ruined any chance of me and my siblings having a normal relationship because of the bull they created between us.
This is so important. My parents created a lot of lifelong, permanent jealousies between me and my siblings. We're old now, but my siblings don't understand this was all damage from our narc parents. I understand, but it's painful to watch my siblings. Narcs are demons.
Ensuring the siblings hate each other is how evil parents win even after they themselves die. That's my dad's life's work, and he has been successful.
Yeah I was the scapegoat but I often feel bad for my brother because he was the golden child and in conversation as adults he confessed he hated it and all the tension they, my parents created between us.
first time i saw a golden child realized narcissism of parents and feel sad for the scapegoats
The golden child can sometimes have a worse outcome particularly if the parent is an enabler or is enmeshed. Whilst the scapegoat eventually differentiates to become theirselves.
My parents have bought my sister multiple cars over the years. I once tried to buy my dad’s old car from him when he was selling it. I offered him $8000 for it. He sold it to a car dealer for $8000 instead. Looking back now, I wish I’d have gone and bought it from that dealer for the $10,000 they had it listed for so that when when my dad’s friends and family saw me in the car, I could tell them what an asshole he was.
assholery defined
My parents had a camper that I offered to buy from them a few years ago before I went no contact. They told me my younger Golden Child sister and her husband bought it. I went no contact but briefly reopened the door this last winter. I moved to be closer to one of my older sister who was The Invisible Child and my dad called me to tell me that he was giving another camper to my younger sister so he had the old one back and he thought about giving me the camper that they had "given(!)" to my younger sister but that since I rent an apartment and don't own a house, they are giving it to my older sister now I told her enjoy the camper and if they try to make you feel like you owe them for it give the title to a homeless person and drop it off.
@@onemorechance2037 yeah cars are proxies of their behaviours sad story sick ppl
@jesperandersson889 my older sister told me that she always wanted a Karmann Ghia and she had told my dad that and then whenever I turned 16, my dad bought me a Karmann Ghia. I just thought it was a cool car. I had no idea that she wanted one her whole life and never got one. She didn't tell me that until I was 42. 😟
Thanks Jerry Wise. When my children were younger, I would even count out every color of jelly bean to make sure things were fair and even. I was the scapegoat. I ran away by 15, and even though I was not there I still would hear that whatever went bad was all my fault. I’m 69 and my older brother still says incredibly inappropriate things to me, my husband recently said we just can’t have him over anymore, I agree. My grown children won’t let my brother around their children. It’s so awful! All I ever wanted was to be loved. And now I am, by my children and my grandchildren.
Oh, I remember this. One example: I learned in school to make a pomander by sticking cloves into an orange. I gave it to my female biological parent, who screamed at me for using up her cloves. Two years later, my younger brother had the same teacher and the same class activity. He brought home his pomander and she fawned all over him.
ARGH!!! That’s awful!
Mother?
Sounds familiar.
They told me "You're the obedient stupid one and your sister is the smart rebellious one." Well...my sister is still with the narc family...and I the former scapegoat, got away.
My narc mom triangulated my brother, her golden child, against me, the scapegoat, all our lives. She traumatized both of us growing up. I just hope that my brother knows I love him very much.
I was the family scapegoat who was blamed for everything. I equate it to a litter of puppies( siblings) all fighting for approval of the "sire" and "dame" dogs( father and mother). My dad was the overt narcissist, my mom was the enabler, as long as she was not on the "wrath" list of the bully....
I joked with my sister when our mother would show favor to one of us and criticism of the other by coining the title "Daughter of the Month". 😂
Always have been the scapegoat. It's a lonely life and I don't let others in because this dysfunction has replayed in work or dating situations in my life. I stay alone. Grateful for my son and dog.
The games these families participate in redistribute energy and "power". So if you are the non favored or scapegoated your time attention will be wasted whereas in comparison they will be giving it to another. You will be robbed, reduced marginalized in the system whereas another is propped up artificially at your expense. Always at your expense.
I was the scapegoat you guys. I had such bad anxiety that I’m 32 and still have not been successful in life. I took easy jobs and made nothing dropped out of collage due to anxiety confusion or insecurity gave up. Entered into an abusive relationship. And keep wondering what’s wrong with me… I don’t understand how people are successful with an abusive parent. I’m hoping and praying to God to figure out some plan and that when I return to school etc. that the same thing does not happen And when I seek financial independence it will be different for sure.
I don’t understand why or how everyone else in these comment sections have still been successful. Where are the people like me
Please tell me I’m not the only one and this can be overcome
It makes me feel stupid or that something is wrong with me
I was invisible to my parents.
I was too, but i had to get over it or accept it in order to make progress... I highly recommand it for you too, take care of yourself
@@omartrachen6794 People internalize things differently. I was HATED AND DESPISED by my egg donor. She told me and she showed me. At age 18 and one day, I moved away and had VERY LITTLE contact with her for the rest of her life. However, when she got old and sick, the 3 that she thought would take care of her kicked her in the ass. Again, I stayed away, but by this time, I was working, had a college degree, owned my own home and was doing well.
When I was a teenager I used to joke that on my tombstone would be written: She Was Not Good Enough. I look back now and weep for that fucked-up, destroyed kid.
My mother played favorites with her children and grandchildren, and then used to accuse me of it. Nice.
Doesn't matter what they think..now..but we were developing , vulnerable children
This brings back childhood pain! My narc father compared my big bro against me all the time as I was a way better student and athlete than he was! It made my brother hate me my whole life! I was very angry about it everytime my dad did it and I used to tell him to stop that as it would ruin my brother! My dad destroyed my brother thoroughly! He became a narcissist too and helped make me the scapegoat due to all my successes and him hating being a loser! I am scared of him and would never go near him and we are in our 60’s now! I am sad we are enemy’s but I can’t fix that! It’s not possible!
I appreciate that “road to self” course!
I am definitely my own person now! I ran from crazy!
I know all of this very well...
The worst for me, as the Scapegoat in an abusive, alcoholic family, is looking at all of the advantages my Golden Child older sister had that I didn't.
As adults, you see what a huge advantage it is to have had supportive parents, who praised your achievements and sent you off to school and encouraged your extracurricular interests.
As opposed to being the kid who was raged at if you made a simple mistake, constantly compared and fell short of your sibling, beaten for simply existing when your parent was in an angry mood. Guilted and shamed for any hopes of going off yo school or trying any extracurricular interests.
My sister has grown up believing in herself and her abilities. She views hearing a "no" as simply something that she just has to keep working ar until it's a yes.
I, on the other hand, believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with me. I feel and have always felt that I'm bad. I can't do anything right. Every decision I make is the wrong one. I believe that I'm not allowed to say, "No."
After all, "No" got me beaten more times than I can recall.
And now, all those feelings that our parents instilled in us, are coming out as we parent.
Now, there are Golden Grandchildren.
That sounds like your talking about ME SAME. SAME SAME They are all dead now I have out lived them all And I have done well serprised every one even myself You. Would not believe if I were to tell you I will be 90 next birth day My teachers at school who had written me off as hopeless would faint to think I would be in the end up on top Of the school and the state
Wow! that was an eye opener. I know that I can lose myself in others but never thot of it as playing others as favorites to myself. Everyone else is more important than me. Thanks for your insight and how you communicate that so wisely.
Thanks much for watching!😊
My parents will travel to the other side of the planet to help my brother every time he moves, has a life change, etc. He's a millionaire and can afford to hire help if needed. They paid for his college, used to get him medical care, extracurriculars, let him shower, have friends over, etc. However, they can't even be bothered to send me a text with a cancer diagnosis, or when my child had a life threatening condition - despite me taking care of their home, vehicle, health, etc every time they ask.
Don't do it anymore.
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 BINGO, but some people are foolish for their parents. It seem like they glut for punishment.
@@shihtzuluvrtwo6386 lol, I decided a few months back that I'm done. I feel too sick to help them and also care for my own disabled kids. No plans for going back even when I'm feeling better.
Thank you for my sanity
I am as good as I think I am bad, dumb, worthless.
Favoritism may be serving, giving, and loving others more than I do myself. It never occurred to me.
I know I created my family abuse in my 1st workplace: a school kitchen.
I did not realize NOT choosing yourself yes logically favors the other person over yourself.
I Pray I can change this. I Pray there is still time to have a better life.
My father was all this plus a male chauvinist, favouring my two older brothers over me, his only daughter, especially my eldest brother, the golden child. The family surname was everything to him. I was the brightest academically, not that he was bothered 😕 I have felt invisible all my life.
Exact same with me!
How about "You're going to end up like your (20 years older) sister" (a heroin addict)? I was a prodigy, self taught reader (age 3 could read on an adult level), straight A's - however I was the scapegoat. I couldn't ever figure out, at age 10, how I was going to end up like that. I'm 65 and still can't figure it out. Never happened, got treated like dirt no matter what for decades after.
My parents- well of course we love him more he's better than you and easier to love.
Me and my sisters- 😮
A few years back my father did that during Father's Day. He was very happy with a gift I gave him and told him that he loved me "even more" because of the gift. He then compared me to my wife and clearly stated that he loved her more than he loves me. His open admission of Conditional Love was the trigger for me to start going low contact. He is so messed up that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he said.
I hope you learnt that you are worthy of love. You are worthy for care and I hope you have learnt to take care of yourself. You are equally important to be loved and cherished❤
It was always my fault because I wasn’t lovable enough ..I was told this as a child
She's always acknowledging my brother in the house. They have a full bond. It's why I can't stand being at home. I always feel left out and excluded. Then when I act out, it's MY fault. I'm the "problem".
They play everyone.The triangulation is dynamic for the purpose of control. My scapegoat sister would be favored if necessary, though it would snap back to original set up. The big game was making one daughter appearing to be golden when it was the last born who collected money and attention until the death of the parent( decades). Always creating competition!
Hello, older woman here ( early 70's ). Been observing people - the news, lots of reading, hearing people talk etc. Folks are so astonished or appauled when they hear about murders inside of families. This video would have sooooo much to do with that kind of violence!
My Mom made sure my sister always had long hair and nice clothes. I always had chopped off hair (not attractive) and hand me down clothes. My Mom constantly told me that My sister was the pretty one and all the aunts and uncles wanted to take her to live with them. But I was the one sent to live with my overt narcissist aunt. (those 2 are always fighting)
She also always told me my sister was my dad's favorite amongst tons of other negatives. 68 years old before I knew about narcissism and that it's okay to dis-own my family. (made more difficult by Mormon culture which is all about family and it is basically a narcissistic culture/religion)
I had to wear my brothers hand me downs and I'm a female! Yikes.
Religion leaves a lot to be desired. That is why I leave it alone.
@@Imissyoulou Yep !
I looked like Bobby Brady, when I wanted to look like Cindy.
My brother and i realized recently that our 2 narc parents scapegoated both of us and PRETENDED the other one was the golden child when that person wasn't in the room. We grew up thinking the other was the favorite but they actually were gaslighting both of us.
Also making one child the ersatz parent of the other then blaming the parentified child for neglect.
Ersatz (german) = substitute (english) 😉
That's a rare dynamic, damn. My sister is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. She doesn't have self awareness about the dysfunction. Just soaks it up.
I know I am as valuable as my parents thought I was worthless because I was smart enough at 4 years old to know I would eventually have to walk out on them.
i am so glad that i didn't decide to follow my parents rules. i would be very miserable. Keep your distance away from toxicity. Get away from toxicity period. Yes it is. This is why i was like when my father died. he knew who he could count on, and definitely wasn't my sibling. Cut these people out and don't stay there
As they age, it gets worse. I’ve found my nm has overrun my codependent dad. He’s just a shell of who he used to be. She’s now rewriting family history so she can weaponize inheritance. As the scapegoat daughter, she’s made it clear that “a daughter’s job is to serve her parents until they die” or else….
The sad thing is, I spent 30 years building a future where they would be lived and cared for. Doted on, and in their grandchildren’s lives.
Now, on their own the grandchildren have figured out who grandma is without help, and they resent them. She’s broken me. I no longer care, and am literally about to move to the other side of the planet. Golden child (despises them- but knows lip service means cash and bail puts) will be tasked with his wife (who can’t be in a room with her
Mother in law for More than an hr) with their elderly servitude.
It’s actually quite sad.
Go for it! Do not hesitate!, we share similar story, my malignant narcissist mother it's using the inheritance card too, in her delusional mind, she thinks I fall into the tramp, narcs parents promise the inheritance to the scapegoat if she/he takes care of them, but the truth is the golden child it's the only that inherit, so the scapegoat loose time and opportunities to make some money or ensure his future by taking care of the narcs and it's left with nothing, because he or she trust the promise of the narc parents, that is the last wound they do to the scapegoat, I have seen many cases like this, don't fall for it. Narcs parents are demons in human flesh, they are cruel, deceiving and vile. NEVER TRUST THEIR WORD, DOESN'T MATTER WHAT
My N.mom just died at 94. Her golden child and later life golden child 2, took care of her finances. And all the siblings have ignored me since Dad passed 15 yrs ago. So I was at her death bed, then I was physically assaulted by the holden child, broke my finger, and SHE called the police to say i was trying to murder our dying mother. How? I kissed her on her cheek goodbye. Cops were all geared up for a murder investigation, saw my dangling finger, my barely breathing mother, and I left. Sisters banned me from all funeral activities, so to the extended family, and friends of my parents I look odd for not showing. But I'd been warned by the funeral home I would be trespassed. So even though I've had minimal contact, the narcs, flyingmonkrys of childhood created by the Narc mother are never far below the surface. So I advised the lawyer doing the will processing, I did not trust the 3 siblings to give me my share as listed in the will, they took it under advisement, but suggested I get my own lawyer to do a parallel process, NO, can't afford that. So expect nothing, be surprised if you get anything, but get away early in life, the siblings keep up the crap.
@@joywebster2678 the narc parents trained the siblings to hate, envy, reject, criticize, humiliate and hurt the scapegoat, it's their legacy they left after dying, it's a kind of malediction... When the role of scapegoat it's assigned to us (as happened to me too) we become the trash can and punching bag of the family, we are blame for everything no matter what, that make the narc family feel good and in harmony, in my case my mother is a malignant psychopath narcissist, she thought all these toxic dynamics to my siblings, that way when she dies the abuse will continue, it's a kind of gift "post mortem". It's the inheritance we get from them. I do refuse to keep that legacy, after all narcissism it's a sort of soul sickness, it spread genetically, the ones that are not infected are the scapegoat that is why the punishment since we are born, because we are not like them, on the contrary, we are the opposite of them. It's like light in darkness, a sparkle in the middle of the dark forest, like a oasis in the middle of the desert. I wish healing and recovery to all scapegoats out there, we are the worthiness of humanity, get empowered and embrace your potential!!!
It is called karma and it is not sad You reap what you sow
It felt like you were describing my in-laws in a nutshell. They treat my SIL as the golden child and my husband as the scapegoat.
By association our kids and I were also being treated as scapegoats but i refuse for us to be scapegoats anymore.
Oh yes. My parents will never admit to it. They have an answer for everything. They live in the world of delusion. We’ve been mostly no contact the majority of my adult life. And this, has ruined mine because society just doesn’t understand how anyone could ‘disown’ their own parents.
Why should it ruin your life? Forget what society says about it. People use to tell me the same thing, I always replied, "I have feelings too." I was fortunate enough to have found people that really cared about me and my 2 children. I grew to LOVE them. I put flowers on their graves mother's day and will keep flowers on their graves until the day I die.
@@Imissyoulou Your comment isn’t helpful.
@@SunnyDays70s sorry
@@Imissyoulou 🙄
I joke that I’m the president of my mother’s “dog house” because I am usually in there for one reason or another as her scapegoat. Seriously though, it is incredibly unnerving to be on her favorable side. She’s building me up for her own benefit and then tear me back down and discard me when I’ve served whatever my function was.
Thank you for calling us to reflect so we can change the cycle
Thank you for watching!😊
what a seriously thorough list of grievences EXACTLY that's why they go (and go and go) under the radar until it all collapses (critical mass)
I was the golden child who was always spoiled for being so obedient and watched as it was held against my older brother, who is one of the most intelligent people I've ever seen. His life is a wreck thanks to our family's deep seeded dysfunction and we've been estranged for nearly twenty years. I could never peice together why my mother would praise me for being such a good daughter but everyone else hated me. It's because I was just like her as a child. Arrogant, entitled, belittling, dismissive, bullying and cruel.
I'm mad now as an adult. I'm mad that my mother was not loving at all regardless of how much she said that she was.
Your self awareness is admirable. Wish my golden child sister was like that.
What Jerry describes here resembles most schools in the World.
Yes. My sister was the GC. And a flaming Narc herself, I've just discovered. I was the hated, 'big thing ' as they would call me..and my brother...worked so hard and they didn't pay for his college...but our GC sister..when she went off to college, got a new car, and tuition paid and a monthly stipend...😢
For me, parents enable narcissist brother, parents are narcs, for sure dad is & brother is textbook covert and nasty to me & my fam. It’s painful and sad that he’ll never change
I lived through this, and I understand it completely. Thank you for bringing out these truths.
You are so welcome😊
My husbands father played him and his brother against each other until the day the father died.
I'm glad I found Jerry, because attracting narcissistic romantic relationship rooted from narcissistic parents. That's why we need to heal from narcissistic family dynamics so that we can achieve normal partners in the future.
One of the most painful Jerry Wise tapes I have listened to. Each and every example struck a deep, unhealed wound in my soul. The melding of family roles with the parents' narcissistic habits is a subject that doesn't receive nearly as much attention as it deserves - except from someone like Jerry Wise. His description of favoritism based on his father's favorite sports was mind-blowing. I made it my daily goal to score a sport, a subject, or a college degree that would satisfy my father's whim. Unfortunately, he could never be counted on to settle on a clear favorite. One day one thing, the next day something new caught his attention. A lot like Whack-A-Mole, only it was me getting whacked. Needless to say, whatever the Golden Child did was considered awesome.
When I got my degree, people told my egg donor that I had graduated from college. (A private university that I paid for.) She told her sisters and brother that I was to dumb to graduate from college and she did not believe it. She did not accept that I was a college grad until I begin teaching. When she was told that, she just held her head down.
I wasn’t the favorite….and, I was an only child. 🤔
I feel for you, but this is still the funniest comment I’ve seen anywhere all day.😂
@@megavega9606 honestly, your comment sort of makes my day. 😏
(a day that will be spent continuing the now multi-month, never-ending nightmare clean-out of the aforementioned parent’s former home, which is part of an altogether now year-plus long, life-thieving saga.) So, I thank you for the much-needed 😏.
@@sjf426 Glad to have played a part in that and I wish you all the best.
@@sjf426 I feel for you. I’ve been thinking about when it will be my turn to to that. My mom is a hoarder. All the things she’s been saving for us to “remember” her by will go straight to the dump. I don’t think I’ll even do it. I’ll hire someone.
@@simonealisa oh, friend. Our story is more similar than you can imagine….👊🏻
Thank you for doing a video on this topic. My sister has always been treated like the favorite in my family from the time she was born, and it's even more obvious now that we're adults. They were inconsistent in how they punished both of us, or what they punished us for, and were much harder on me than they ever were on her. I wouldn't go so far to call her the golden child and me the scapegoat, but there definitely was an inequality present and still is today. I brought it up multiple times to my parents and they always denied it or made excuses. She has an enmeshed relationship with them now while I'm guarded and careful how much I let them see the real me.
The oldest in my family was the scapegoat, the middle child golden child, I was the infantelized one. She taught me nothing, yet expected me to leave my husband, move home and take care of her. I didn't. All of my siblings always got assistance from her. Me, the youngest was told don't come to me for anything. It took a lot of years to realize that it was not me, it was her! I hate her for that!
painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights Jerry as always.
You're very welcome
They weren't playing. 👺☠️
My narc mother stole all my money and my sister is controlling it.
This definitely make sense I can’t stand hearing the word favorite my brother would say I was the favorite 😢I hated being called that and I had no idea no clue what was going on until I got older
Thank you Jerry 🤗
Very much welcome!😊
thanks - so true
I stopped at one child as I was scared if I had more I'd have had a favourite. My mum was very open about having favourites. It shifted over time based on how she was feeling, but I never want to feel like that with my offspring.
Great information. I'm in my 50's now and my Golden Child brother is using my mother to manipulate and take my inheritance away. Still going through it. Thank you for your awesome advice.
Thank you for watching!😊
Thank you !
We can give up negative roles as well as positive ones, etc, so much wisdom.
So timely for me today............Thank you so much Jerry. well your also put down when your not the child that provided grand kids either
My boyfriend was the favorite/golden child growing up, and while I can’t imagine the hell his sister went through (even though she ended up being a hyper-controlling narcissist in her own right) and I don’t want to try and compare the two traumas, my boyfriend was damaged by this dynamic his own way.
If he expressed any opinion his father didn’t like, he’d be so hideously shamed and learned very quickly to never express any of his opinions, lest he be dethroned as the favorite and be subjected to worse treatment. His favorite movies his to be his dad’s favorite movies, favorite songs had to be his dad’s favorite songs, etc. He had to lie, hide, and shove down every part of him that didn’t go exactly with his father’s idea of him. Or he was punished and feared ending up like his sister (shit-talked by her parents behind her back).
He recently told me he doesn’t even know if his favorite popsicle flavor really is his favorite, or if he was told to like it.
All of this is to say, I am so sorry for anyone who’s endured this treatment, whether on the scapegoat side or golden child side.
0:00 🗣 Jerry Wise introduces the topic of narcissistic parents and their favoritism.
0:09 🎯 He will cover 10 unfair ways narcissistic parents play favorites and provide self-differentiation tips.
0:21 🧠 Self-differentiation tips will be shared to help cope with narcissistic parents.
0:35 🛠 Jerry shares his 45 years of experience helping clients discover their true selves.
0:40 🧩 Narcissistic parents give unequal attention to children, favoring one to control and manipulate.
1:00 ⚖ They openly compare siblings, which fosters rivalry and resentment among them.
1:55 🏅 Resources are allocated unfairly, supporting one child's interests over another's.
2:48 🎭 Parents assign roles, designating one child as "golden" and another as a "scapegoat."
3:06 🏆 Approval is sought through achievements, highlighting successes that reflect well on the parents.
3:26 😟 Guilt is used to manipulate the favored child, reminding them of their special status and obligations.
3:44 💔 Emotional withdrawal occurs, with love and affection given to one child and withheld from another.
3:58 🔒 Personal information is shared selectively, making the favored child feel special and others excluded.
4:25 🔄 Inconsistent rewarding and punishing creates confusion and reinforces favoritism.
5:00 🥇 Siblings are encouraged to compete for parental affection, increasing family tensions.
5:19 🧘♀ Self-differentiation tips include stopping the effort to change or win over parents.
6:30 🔄 Disempowering beliefs involves neutralizing the desire to be either the favored child or the scapegoat.
6:37 🚫 Distinguishing parental craziness from your reality helps in recognizing their favoritism as irrational.
7:23 🧐 Reflect on your own behaviors to avoid practicing favoritism in your relationships.
8:03 🙌 Value yourself equally to others, recognizing your worth and avoiding self-deprecation.
8:18 ✋ Jerry concludes by encouraging viewers to subscribe, comment, and join the program for further support.
Merci!
@dameanvil: why do you write the above? I've come across people doing this before and don't understand it. What Jerry says doesn't need simplifying or translating or clarifying, does it?
@@cathlaurs9754 I do it to help people. You probably don't need that. Only the world is not composed by three persons: me, you, and Jerry.
@@cathlaurs9754 C'est très utile: notamment avec les repères temporels, vous pouvez trouver plus facilement l'endroit que vous souhaitez. C'est comme une table des matières.
Thank you Jerry! Thank you!
You are very welcome❤️
They usually play the favorite in order to prove they are good parents . My mum usually use me to tell how my sister is bad ( like "you give me the satisfactions,your sister does not") what make me feel worthy before I realise my mum have a covert narc disorder (when I was 35 yrs already). I didnt even realised that in meantime I was invisible child. And thank you for sharing with us the part of your personal story in this video. Sending love to you and to all children of narcisstic parents ❤
I was the SCAPE GOAT 🐐 AND I ALSO WAS THE OLDEST OF THE FAMILY , SURPRISINGLY I SAW THROUGH THE B.S. AND TURNED OUT WELL DESPITE THE DRAMA , I JUST WANTED TO BE TREATED 💯 % EQUAL / FAIRLY SO TO SPEAK
Hi Mr. Wise, Thank you for your channel. I am an empath. When I found your video about the existance of the role of the family scapegoat the other day, it just really blew my mind, because finally someone made so much sense to me. And I felt completely understood at a moment where I felt completely lost after had just gotten my eviction notice from my mom a couple of days prior to finding your video. My mother had just the week before told me how she didn't know how she would be. Able to live without me which was like the very seldom occasion where I actually felt completely appreciated. You can say I guess that was love bombing. Because then about 4 days later, that's when she sent the eviction notice... Not only has that 1 video in particular. Explain to me something that I just never was aware of yes, I was aware of the golden child, but I never realized really, until I had to look back in hindsight after learning about the scapegoat in your video that I am in fact, the scapegoat of the family and everything clicked in the place and even though I'm still going through the. Emotional turmoil and I feel like I'm having p. TSD and trauma all over again. I felt understood for the first time like somebody out there. Totally understands the position that I am in. That alone is comforting to know that I am not crazy. To say that you have helped me is a real understatement. So, thank you so much for your videos. I'm continuing to learn a lot. And I'm hoping to take part in the classes that you offer about getting them out of my system completely 1 day, but I have to work through all of this important traumatic life, changing stuff right now You know to make sure that I have a house and food. And all that. So I just wanted to comment and really thank you For sharing your work with us all here, Not only helping me no doubt, but countless others,to understand family dynamics more clearly. I'm the scapegoat in my family, while my older sister is the golden child. My 82-year-old mom, who recently has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment (MCI) but has not admitted it, sent me an eviction notice despite all the work I've put into our home. My sister, who is bipolar, assaulted me last December, and my mom’s response was to evict me when I mentioned seeking medical help for my injuries.
I’ve done all the maintenance and repairs around the house, built my own apartment in the garage, and contributed significantly to my mom’s well-being. I bought her new hearing aids, a new mattress, new tires for her van, a new toaster oven, and I’ve fixed her car multiple times. I also replaced the main sewer line and remediated mold in the basement, saving our insurance policy by avoiding additional claims. I even help my sister with her car, despite our conflicts. Despite all this, my sister does the bare minimum and emotionally manipulates my mom.
I wish you could be there with me in court. I'm scared that everyone will see me as the bad guy. My mom and sister have made me look crazy, even calling Adult Protective Services with false accusations. I have proof that I’m not taking advantage of her, but I fear the judge won’t understand my situation.
On top of that, my neighbors don’t like me because I complain about their dogs barking. One neighbor even threatened me after I followed police advice to call animal control instead of yelling at the dogs. My mom is using these incidents to paint me as the problem, which makes everything look worse for me. I know these behaviors are abusive and manipulative, but I worry it won't be seen that way in court.
If the judge doesn't understand, I will be homeless. I have no place to live and no more money. I don't know if my mom will give me the State Farm money she owes me. This eviction is happening at the worst possible time, with housing shortages and limited resources for homeless people in Montana. I even begged my mom to let me stay in the garage and never bother them, but she refused.
Tomorrow, I have to answer the eviction lawsuit. I plan to file a counter-suit because I have a contract stating I own the garage and am entitled to 51% of the property upon my mom's passing, but my mom never took it to the Department of Revenue as she was supposed to. I'm a domestic violence survivor, and it’s illegal for her to try to evict me instead of my sister. The eviction notice came the day after I told my mom I wanted to seek medical attention for the injuries from the assault, which makes this a retaliatory eviction and illegal.
My sister faced no consequences for her assault-no jail time, no fines, and she didn’t even apologize. My mom was upset, thinking my sister would get in trouble, which likely led to the eviction notice. I made reasonable rules for my sister before she could come back home, but she broke those agreements, and my mom still supports her over me.
I’m not trying to be a martyr or play the victim. I’ve made decisions with a good heart, wanting everyone to be happy and get along. Despite the power I could have wielded in this situation, I chose to ask for reasonable things to make life a bit more bearable for me while working tirelessly around the house. I even had to drop out of college because of the demands of maintaining the house.
Do judges understand this sort of dynamic? Will they see this sort of thing when they see this situation in court? Your insights have given me the strength to face this, and I deeply appreciate your work. Thank you for helping people like me navigate these difficult family dynamics. I really do wish you could be here though, because I don't think anyone is going to understand my situation. I'm just hoping and praying that the judge understands.
Amazing, thank you for the kind words!😊
My father and mom are good at this playing favorites .
Thank you sooo much for exposing this Jerry💡💡💡-Xclusyph Icon
This is so messy for all children involved.
The favourite in my family was everyone but me! I have five siblings ✌️
Thank you SO MUCH Jerry
God bless you.
From Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
You are so welcome
We had a job chart growing up. I had a brother that my mom always said he was better than my siblings at same jobs. She also made us take turns brushing her hair while she layed down in the evenings.
Thank you, Jerry
I wish I could be bit wiser..
But I do remember being obviously jealous of my brother, younger than me for 4 years
This is so helpful thank you for your work !
Glad it was helpful!😊
@@jerrywise You just don't know how helpful. I have been reading your posts for about a month now. I now realize I am not the only one that was abused by their "family." I got away and stayed away and I HAVE NO REGRETS. NONE.
My mother literally was comparing me to the neighbors kids when I was 8, and punished me by giving them candy and not any to me saying why can’t you be like them. She didn’t even know the kids or how they acted inside especially. She just used it to cut me down. She would compare me to strangers kids because I didn’t have a sibling she could use to weaponize against me until I was around 10 and she used her boyfriends kid she treated her boyfriends child better like an actual human being.
You help me to understand my life. Thank you 🙏
Happy to help!😊
@@jerrywise ❤️. Thank you!
Right down the list...
Wow, this was very helpful...
Glad it was helpful!
Catch 22 to extreme, 😚👌 we’re Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Letting go is the ONLY way to be FREE ❤🥰👍
We should ask them why they can't be more like ____'s parents who actually love them.
I can relate to so much of this but it would bounce from different things (roles) so much that it was confusing..
You have to NEVER get in ANY kind of trouble speed ticket or nothing to get out of the scapegoat role. And you have to show them how successful you CAN be by being that person. Show them by being BETTER THAN them or better than they expect from you.
and after you show them, leave them the f alone.
@@ccdm515 that's true. It's a lot of work.