Narcissistic Family Siblings: The Drama and Chaos they Cause
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- Опубликовано: 26 дек 2023
- In this video, I delve into the ongoing pain and trauma you may suffer at the hands of your narcissistic siblings.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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@jerrywise
I did register for your free training but was not able to access it ??
It came to my email. Is there another way? Did you have any other people not able to access this videol? Please reply. Thank you!
Thank you this one is very important to me, I have a very destructive sister. I am subjected to reactive abuse and she pressed false domestic abuse charges against me and everything you disclosed here Dr. Jerry Wise is exactly what my sister does in order to enmesh and conquer and pathologize my ontology; in fact when she went to the police department, she said I had mental issues and now I am actually under psychiatric counseling as a temporary legal advice from my lawyer in order to avoid more destruction from my sister. She tried to falsely accuse my older brother as well. My whole family is narcissistic and they sue me as the scapegoat, the only one who supports me is my eldest brother.
OMG did you ever key in on what I deal with (always dealt with) and it's like I finally have been soo heard. I will have had therapists for a long time..and they know more details than you, and you hit it 1000% right on the mark. I have never found any creator on here to say the exact mirror of what I have endured.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
it's more fun when both parents are as well, then it's a true fest for the truthteller. When one is the scapegoat and also a goat in zodiac it's even more ironic. One has to laugh because getting mad is simply not worth it. Good video, many people need it.
My family has always dumped on me, looked down their nose at me, degraded me, and lied about me.. Nothing EVER changed until the day I put my fists in my sister's face and said, "You want go? Let's go.. right now!"
She pivoted and walked and that's the first time I ever gained any respect in my family...
This was not my normal actions.. BUT when you've had enough, you've had enougn!!
So... sorry. Beg to differ on the staying cool advice.. that always kept me in their sh*t box..
Now they show me respect - 1st time in my 70 years!❤
My parents never seemed to try to stop the toxic sibling abuse. They even seemed to enjoy it!
They learned it from the parents
@@ndl78 Very right! My father had a nightmare homelife, too much to detail here. My mother was raised by her older sister, who resented raising her 13 siblings every inch of the way, because her father worked 3 jobs (Great Depression) and her mother's severe heart disease, who died an early death at age 55. We need to love and forgive them, sometimes from a distance.
100%
My narcissist mother pretended and acted like all she ever wanted was for me and my golden child narcissist sister, to get along, but this was just all a facade, because if my narcissist mother truly wanted us to stop fighting then she would have corrected my bully narcissist golden child sister, because she was always the one picking on me, but my narcissist mother didn't and she actually enjoyed sucking up all the narcissistic supply from the fighting and also the narcissistic supply from the pity she got by telling other people about what a horrible daughter I was.
I cut these toxic demons out of my life and it was the best decision I ever made in my whole life.
My only regret was not doing it sooner.
Yes! Our parents were a part of the problem, but the great thing is we in ourself have the key to unlock from that pain and unglyness and detach from that past!
For years I thought my sister had my back, but all the time she was stabbing me in the back. It took me while I was in my late 60's to realise.
Me too! It’s shocking how much damage they can do.
Me too. I'm 62.
Had your parent recently died when you discovered your sister didn't have your back?
Rebecca Mandeville (expert on the topic) says a sibling can take over the role of scapegoating you after your scapegoating parent dies.
I feel for you. I recently experienced the same with one of my sisters. It is confusing and devastating.
@@Vic-Meow No it was a good ten years after they had passed .
Me too, I am 54. Such a hard, heartbreaking lesson to learn. I always thought she was my best friend. I also thought I was always the wrong and if I tried harder and did better people would see me as I really am. But I could never achieve that no matter what i did.
Narcissistic sibling want their own sibling dead. It's so scary.
My sister told me I should die and she would take care of my kids.. she would also make jokes abt me and laugh sadistically..I' was scared of her for the longest time but now I'm scared of God's wrath on her.. I'm 41 years old now
@ashainsha Inlaws r narcissists in my case. Its so scary n dangerous. If u don't listen to them they will brutally abuse u. Its very dangerous to deal with them.
@@ashainsha They r very dangerous.
My narc sister sent many abusive emails, and in one of the worst and most hateful emails she wrote me that I hurt her so much that she wished me a slow, painful DEATH because of how I've RUINED her life. I not only was hurt but TERRIFIED !😮
@IrelandLochlin If u don't listen to them n don't do what they want u to do they will brutally abuse u n say I want u dead so that I can live peacefully.
Great video. Sibling narcissism is not discussed nearly as much as other narc relationships. It is entirely devastating to the family. Thank you for this, JW.
I've seen a narc destroy a family as the parents passively watched
@@jcimsn8464 Wasn't one of the parents a narc too? Or where did they got it from? Surely they weren't born with it... I'm asking cuz I assume that the parents silently watched or did many other harmful things before that, in order for that person to become that numbed, thus an emotionally detached narc. So perhaps the destruction of the family started way earlier before this narcissist son/daughter completed the collapse.
Yes and it happened to me! Not only I had a narcissistic mother, but also an older sister who behaved in a similar way like she did!!
@aycha_1449 As one of ten children, with 2 rabid narcs, no they do not need to learn it from parents. Some people are just like that.
@@aycha_1449surely they werent born with it?? How do you know? What makes to say a dump statement like this? Why being so ignorant? If you are so why responding here? It is always better to be silent than to speak.
The narcissist siblings carry out the abuse behind closed doors and smear the scapegoat under the guise of being "concerned". The narcs know the scapegoat is isolated and cannot tell anyone, or it will be characterized as proof of them being "crazy". It is impossible to heal while in contact with the narcissistic family system.
✅️🎯
Yessss...
So true. My narc sister painted me as being crazy in conversation with our siblings. Now, my siblings only see me as the crazy one. Went no contact in 2020 and never looked back.
Yesss that's why CERO NO CONTACT
@@arenee118and I bet you now you LIVE IN PEACE.....❤TRUSTING GOD AND LIFE
Narcissist siblings are insidious, manipulating parental resources from young to be the favourite golden child
Yes, I agree.
Sounds like my brother. Even when he was younger in his teens he would love to say outright "I'm cunning and manipulative." with a smirk like some kind of cartoon villain. I waved it off as teen cringe, but now that we're in our mid thirties it's pretty obvious he plays our narc parents like a fiddle to get whatever he wants despite being an unaccomplished loser. He is, of course, the golden child.
Narcisst siblings are the worst. Constant negativity and toxicity, yet they're not important at all. I cut off all contact with my narcisstic sibling the minute my parents died.
When people show you who they are Believe them First Time
Thank you for discussing sibling narcissism. As a scapegoat with such a sibling, you stand alone among family who never acknowledges who you even are. To heal, I had to leave my family. Life got better, but I lost all my relatives and am still alone. The devastating reality seemed I had to chose between being "alone" or losing my mind.
Exactly my experience as well. You feel happier but still have a sadness and longing for what could never be at the same time.😢
yes
100%...the grief of facing the reality....... it almost feels like you're going to die..... it's so awful..but after so many years of walking away so I could stay sane...I'm so happy that I walked away.
It WILL get better! Keep your head up and keep up the healing work. All the best on your journey!🦋
Your reality is mine as well.
"You are as lovable as they see you as unlovable." Love this. Thank you.
😻😻❤
They gaslight, then hide behind one's emotional reaction. They enjoy this. They live for this. The more emotional, and passionate you respond to the narcissist, the more they laugh and call you crazy. 💙
YES! And somehow all know (but deny knowing) EXACTLY what to say/do to set you off. I feel like a human science project among aliens. Heartless & cruel, have nothing in common with these people any more. They don't even bother acting like they care anymore.
The old abuses NEVER get closure because they never take responsibility or apologize thats why the old problems never get resolved and keep being raised again and again, they refuse to take responsibility. The old abuses pile up and go unresolved and keep the stage set for more abuse until you abandon the narcissist permanently. Thank you for the great video!
I was talking to a friend about problems i'd had with my brother because of his lies and manipulation. She said "why doesn't he just apologies". That would mean caring though which he obviously doesn't.
I am no contact with my narcissistic sister and mother, it is the best solution and a sweet life without drama, they will never change and it only gets worse the older they get.
Same! Covert, cruel, demonic narc mother and malignant, demonic narc sister.
They stole decades from me. Not 1 more second!!!!!!
Yes.. I agree and I'm on the same journey.
Yup, I just started this journey myself.
Just started that journey too..at the end everything will be well..just stay strong,dont obsess with them in your head and focus on building your beautiful life ❤🎉
My narcissistic sibling was so mean to me. It was a continual cycle of abuse. I had to go no contact.
'They never stop.' Yes,it was literally all day, every day of my life for 16 years.16 of pain,humiliation and terror. And I will never know who I could have been.
There's one good thing in getting old, we learn! We learn to remove bad people from our lives, we learn to love ourselves, to forgive ourselves and last but not least to FINALLY protect ourselves (which are the very most important things to do!).
🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖✨🕊️
💜 your comment really hit home. I had actually successfully escaped from the family/torment in 2006…when my parents forced me to let my sibling live in my home… since then, I’ve lost everything: no more job, friends, and I’m actually stuck back living in the family home (all of us) and due to a sudden surgery I had to have in 2021, I’m still stuck because of an incision that still hasn’t healed and home nurse comes to see me 3X a week here…
Sorry to make the comment all about me, as I was typing, I just had to “get it out.” God Bless you. 💜
Stat away from narcs. God still has a beautiful plan for you
@@Heather-ii4kyBless you, my family home saved me for 50 years, but finally the narc sib made sure lost it, among other things. Control freak. Watch out if that house comes up for grabs💔 they are ruthless
Same here Sadie
I always found my sister to be very overbearing. She seemed to parade how wonderful she was in front of others, for people to take notice. I simply found her very much a bully and would try to avoid her.
We never had a relationship, where she would call and ask how I was doing.
My mother would brag that she and my brother were her pitbulls. I never understood why they had to continue the bullying, until I discovered the dynamics of a narcissistic family and went to counseling. I was the skapegoat child and they were the golden children.
After the parents pass, this cycle continues.
No contact is the safest way to deal with it. Thank you for all you do Jerry.
They are totally exhausting! Had no choice but to go no contact.
My heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with this. My narcissistic brother sucked the life out of me from a very young age. I learned early on that my version of events did not matter and that the most I could hope for was that he would get tired of mistreating me eventually and then hopefully move on to something or someone else. I still have nightmares from all the years of reality-defying abuse I was subjected to by him. There aren't words, really.
😢
I’m so sorry you suffered all of that abuse from your brother. I hope you find healing.
@@styracosaurusqvt4841Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot. :)
You are not alone in this ❤
Parents have an attitude, "ohh, he will outgrow it!! THEY NEVER DO & as they age the narcissism becomes a hellish real live nightmare & they go from little spider monkeys into hellish monster gorillas, my younger narc. brother was & is like this!!
I have an older Narcissistic sister. She wanted to be an only child and hated having a little sister. Jealousy, gaslighting, & abusive mentally & physically. As an adult I tried to deal with her as little as possible. When I distanced myself from her, then she would accuse me of treating her like an acquaintance & not like a sister. The bottom line with Narcissists is no matter what you do, it isn’t good enough & you can’t win. When my Mom died at 90 back in 2014, I knew that was the last time I would have to deal with my sister. It will be 10 years this year since I went no contact & my life with my husband has Improved 1000%. ❤
“Enmesh and Conquer “ ……wow. That describes my family dynamics to a T!
This video literally came at the right time. I’m currently no contact with my narcissistic older sister. I tried to talk to her about my feelings and all she did was avoid me, gaslit, blame shifted, and tried to call me crazy. She took no accountability or even acknowledged my feelings. Going no contact was the best decision
That is exactly what I am dealing w. You are not alone. I could have written this
I second this. Unfortunate my narcissist sister just moved back into town and in no less than a month has created sheer havoc for me and my family
You guys we have to be strong, set boundaries and do what’s best for us. Family or not, if that person doesn’t make you feel good, they have no room in our lives. 💜
@@brittreneeswaymain bingo. Boundaries is the only way. Unfortunately I only see issues in the horizon once my dad passes itll leave only my narcissistic sister and mother to team up on me 🥲
My older sister responded the exact same way too. Sending love and healing ❤️
My sister put us all through hell. Parents, now deceased, never recognized the problem, though I tried to show them info and they suffered much at her hands. I have successfully ghosted her for over four years. I am a very sentimental person, but keeping in touch is out of the question to preserve my well-being.
The narcissistic sibling will start drama and then say thing's like, "You're not the victim, you're the 1 constantly crying poor me. Therefore you're the issue"
Jerry, you will never know just how timely this video has been. I am the youngest of three and have been in a really difficult relationship with one sibling who I have no doubt is a narcissist. My other sibling is now their ‘flying monkey’. Christmas has been a nightmare! All I want is to be left alone but I am losing hope this will happen.
Leave THEM alone
@@pawe8491 I moved away to live in another part of the country to do just that!
The only solution is no contact. If like my family, it just gets worse over time, especially after the parents have passed. Create your own holiday traditions with safe friends and loved ones. If you KNOW you are the targeted scapegoat, avoid giving them opportunities. My situation culminated in physical aggression by the narc against me. She told everyone I abused her. My other sister sided with her. No one asked for my side of the story. The narc reigns triumphant! But it's all illusion. Every word Jerry speaks is spot on truth! All the best to you. It's not an easy road we're on, but it's certainly more peaceful once we're no contact.
@@lynnbrown4364thank you for sharing this. It’s true that things have gotten worse since our narcissistic father passed. Per my therapist who specializes in trauma the behavior of my siblings will get worse with time. Thank you for confirming this. It’s just so hard to believe that this is what it is.
@@lynnbrown4364 Has it ever been explained why the sibling abuse becomes worse after a parent passes? Honestly I can see my sister doing something like your sister did after our Narc mom passes. My sister has BPD and is prone to erratic and violent behavior. I think my Narc mom keeps my sister mostly in check and I expect after she passes there will be no one she has to answer to.
I gave up on my both narcissistic sisters too much grief and affecting my mental health
No contact is hard but a MUST when they are so abusive
This is a very timely subject. Just spent Christmas with my narcissistic sister and her judgemental, critical, self-absorbed behavior made me feel sorry for her. I have never felt pity before for her. Maybe that means I am healing? I dunno, but I want to think of good excuses in the future not to interact. It's draining and exhausting and I cannot worry about her anymore. Spent my whole life trying to 'measure up' to her and now I've finally realized, I am actually quite happy being different from her.
Thank you. This is a good way for me to look at things too
Hi Karen, the narcs in my life (my family is full of them) have given me a good example of how NOT to be. It's the only consolation.
Same. Very happy being different to my narcissistic brother.
Oh brother - my brother!! I have hoped and hoped and hoped until I just couldn't do that to myself anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I don't even like my brother. I never would have chosen him as a friend. I believed I was required to love him because he's family. I love the brother that I THOUGHT HE WAS AND HOPED HE WOULD BE. He never was that. We are in our 70's now, and I have gone NO CONTACT with him for the very last and permanent time! Done and done!
This really resonates with me. It's hard to like someone when you wake up to the knowledge that they have zero empathy for you, even after making yourself vulnerable telling them how depressed you are and that your feeling suicidal.
A friend of mine recognized that my sister was a narcissist when we were still in high school I just thought she was just the golden child. I suppose she could be both.
One of mine is both.
When you grow up with it, you don't see it because it is all you know. I turned 60 before I saw it for what it was in (at least) two of my sisters who had been tearing me down my whole life long, to the point I married another narc, not knowing any better at the.time.
Golden child likely to become narcissistic
They are both, my brother definitely is
Yes Jerry yes! And my mother siding with him and asking me what " I did to make him mad," after he choked me in the car while I was driving. It's been 12 years now of no contact.
That is victim blaming. Same happened to me. I am so sorry. You never deserved that, and they don’t deserve you. 🙏
@@oonaghmolyneux7760 thank you!
My mother did the same thing. I had a miscarriage and in my grief I spoke to my sister about it. She told me to get over it. And then she told my mom that I was abusing her with my “story” because I knew that she had had an abortion. She had the abortion 2 decades earlier and it was never discussed during my phonecall to her. 🙇🏻♀️ My mother asked what I said to upset my sister. It was another example of them being unable to be there for me and making themselves victims. I almost can laugh about it now it’s so ridiculous. I hope and pray someday to never think about them, ever. It’s been 4 years now of no contact.
How awful our families can be!
@@Maggie-zr2ow Maggie how awful!
Narcissist want you to share their reality of what they tell you you are.
💯
Thank you, Jerry.
I’ve been looking for someone speaking on the sibling dynamics. It’s crippling and it can take years before you’ll see the damage it has caused.
I agree I've been dealing with it and accepting it as if it were my fault for over 58 yrs. Praise God my eyes are opened and I'm beginning to love myself, especially since I am now free to be the real me. God Bless you on your journey..
For peace and protection of myself, my children, and the son of my sibling narcissist, I cut off 99% of connection with the whole family. My phrase for what I did is "taking my acorns (kids) and moving to a different hill." Heck the family tree. DNA does not obligate me or my children to be abused by an alcoholic narcissist.
👏 👏 👏 👏 Congratulations, I hope life is peaceful & your happier after cutting contact 😊 My older brother is an alcoholic narc, he moved in with my mother after the breakdown of his marraige, I live round the block in my own place with my two kids, I'm currently saving to move away & not tell them when & where I'm going... Its hell, he has taken over my mother's brain somehow, its like she is brainwashed & under his spell, wherever she goes, he is with her, like her shadow & the trouble he is causing is life wrecking, absolute toxicity, he thrives off turning people against each other, he is also a compulsive liar to the worst degree 😢... No contact is the ONLY solution for me & my kids when it comes to my family now
No one ever talks about the Narcisstic siblings especially the brothers. They create utter chaos in the family and continue to do so especially when you have a Co-dependent Mother. I am in the midst of the chaos now. And I am still trying to help my mother out of a situation that also harms me greatly. I am in pure hell.
I’m so sorry and wish you all the strength, courage and sanity getting through this. Similar but different situation here. My brother and mother are completely enmeshed, I cannot even tell which one is the ring leader. It’s incredibly dysfunctional, destructive, and sick. It seems my brother has my mom completely under her thumb. She’s become like a completely brainwashed zombie under his command.
All the best to you in getting out and away from this!
@@tam3362 Thank you! I wish I could go into more detail, but some of the same stuff happened with my mother especially when her father died. I stupidly helped him move into the house with her and it nearly destroyed the both of us and mainly me. I left as I was only there because I was sick. In that time away so much bad stuff happened that I eventually heard about it and I had to help because as I said it affects and effects me too. When she gets out of this big mess that he helped to put her in I really am not sure what to do. I cannot leave her to further enmesh with him, but at that the same time I need to get far far away!
Prayers to you. Luckily, everything ends one day.
You are not alone, please stay strong and lean on friends that can support you. I'm the youngest and only girl of three - two older brothers. The oldest is unbearable, selfish and self centered but the golden child of my mother. My parents are aging and need help both do nothing but give lip service. I told my mother, your sons are selfish and don't care about any of us because if they DID, look at the treatment. I have detached myself and focus on myself and my happiness - like Jerry said don't give your power away and remember you are in control of your life not them. Anyone else going through this, I wish you the best and stay strong🙌
Same here: a narcissist brother and a codependent mother (who died 2 yrs ago), and a neglectful father who hasn't made an attempt to show any interest in me for 17 yrs after the divorce. My brother hated me, i think he still does deep in his heart and blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. Had total coercive control on my mother who wasnt strong enough to stand up foe herself and for me. I had to keep my mouth shut just to keep the "peace" and in many ways I was made to adjuat myself to hom and whatever suited the family. And so many more. I'm so broken.
It’s like the entire family sets the youngest the scapegoat for failure
It can happen to the eldest too.
The youngest can be doted upon.
#2. My sister to a “T”! She hits all the points but especially #2. I am the family scapegoat. I’m so blessed to have stumbled upon your videos at this point in my road to recovery! God bless you Jerry.
I hear you. Same 🙋♀️😂❤👋 Much peace to you 🕊
😻😻
This is spot on! There is no reasoning, no such thing as facts; just feeling. No accountability of their own actions.
Unfortunately my order brother is a child predators and he's narcissistic. He causes so much drama and distress in the family by manipulating, lying, mind games and turning family members against each other. Unfortunately his sick behavior is working most family members believe in the narc as if they can't see nor understand his sickness. I'm the only one who can see my brother Andre is a very sick individual, but he has family members believing I'm the crazy person. His sickness is very very disturbing to the point I can't stand for him to be in my presence I get a weary feeling when he's round as if he has demons/demonic spirit within.😢
Every one of your videos I watch. I learn more and more about my family. This is my sister. I always feel stupid when she sucks me back in and I go above and beyond for her and she stabs me in the back. Every. Time. I feel like a fool. It is hard because I have to accept I have lost my entire family.
What is weird from reading about this disorder and disorder of the family system, it seems universal. The same issues here in the US plague families are the same ones in Japan, India, and Brazil. We think we're going through this alone or this is some undiscovered country, but it is engrammatic or archetypal with the dynamics the same.
@@dreamytalestime I was going to say thank you for confirming this observation, but to confirm it you had to go through it a lot. I'm sure we are looking at this correctly. I had a therapist a long time ago who told me families are systems. When you got a narc, the system transforms into what we have experienced. TY.
i feel like it's the number 1 disease affecting the world as it affects peolples health, mental health, creates wars, homelessness etc
the devil doesn't discriminate, does he...
Because of BAD parenting
@@mademsoisellerhapsody maybe and maybe how their brains are wire up coming into the world or a mix.
They never stop.
I haven't watched the video yet but I will. My narc sibling has been a puppet master and caused so much division, triangulation and problems in this family. Smart, crafty, manipulative, plotting. Most of us weren't a match for her. One important thing - disadvantage - was that none of us could figure out what the issue was for 50 years right? Everyone would just roll over, cave in. There was no info about narcissism. Once you learn about it -all the traits and tactics are there. Manipulating, triangulating, undermining, divisive... Really deliberately causing trouble. But even then, theres no stopping these people. They are harmful, toxic, trouble causing. The jealously & competitiveness seems to be like a cancer and a driving force in them.
Then if they can they look for a window to get to your kids. They will destroy everything they can.
And here's another phenomenon people need to know about. When you are kids, your parent can see the toxicity & manipulation & trickery & troublemaking of that one sibling, but if theyre completely uneducated like my parent was, they're as dumbfounded as everyone else, powerless, even unwittingly enabling at times. But here's an important heads up. And this is an actual thing - when your parents become old and feeble and start to get into dementia - the narc sibling can and often will completely take over - your parent -any money they have - your narc sibling will become the matriarch or patriarch of the family - and destroy the family.
My mother swore for decades that this sister would never brainwash her? Well guess what has happened?
Don't underestimate these siblings. They are evil and destructive. It really is sad how empaths can be mowed right down.
Narcissism is severe hell on earth!!! Decades in my family and ex-spouse's family. It's shameful. M arr
Being told that I am loveable as much as they tell me that I am loveable has really touched a certain part of me inside that has been grieving.
"You are loveable as they see you unlovable"! Thanks Jerry, in the middle of my grief from dealing with a narcissistic sibling this put a smile on my face.
I went “no contact” a year ago, when I didn’t know what narcissism and all that goes with it meant. My narc mother abused her children and still does, not me anymore however, as I told her to never contact me or my family again. Her reply was “ if that’s what you want”. My only regret is that I didn’t stop all contact with this dysfunctional family decades ago!! I am now 60 and have “Broken the cycle”!! 🥳. My children and grandchildren will not be part of their nonsense. The relief we all feel now was not immediate, grieving took place first, but with a little over a year under our belts, we are thriving and growing with love, humility and gratitude 🙏. The lessons I learned will save my lineage from repeating the cycle. ❤️
It’s very transparent why this is hardly ever addressed. Everyone says because the sibling is a minor he gets a pass. Horrible things happen, lifelong mental damage results, and yet parents all just blow it off. They are afraid of the monster too, don’t know how to handle it, so they just hope it resolves itself. “Oh, they were just a kid” the parent scoffs.” “Grow a tougher skin” they toss out. The law protects them too - it’s if they create even a dangerous existence for the other family members, the law punishes anyone who tries to do anything effective to thwart the brat.
"reasonableness is not rewarded by narcissists" simply because they don't care, as they are at war having chosen you as their enemy, and therefore they aim to destroy you in every way.
You can try as hard as you want to be reasonable, and you can bring all the patience you are capable of; it won't do any good. Being reasonable, or worse, patient is counterproductive; in fact, they see it as a retreat and therefore attack even harder.
I blocked my family after they had me locked up to put me through shock therapy and lied to the police to have me locked up. All to gain power of attorney for my estate
They gang stalk family to get what they want. They enjoy creating the terror
As the scapegoat, I have seen the ( according to the old saying), what a tangled web the narcissist will weave and the crazy things they do to get out of the web of deception. It never ends, it is so sad and unhealthy and unreal.
So true !!! They only want to share their reality, they are not interested in our reality.
No one needs an older toxic sister and an entitled narcissistic younger brother. They will fight to the death and you're caught in the middle. Rationality goes out the window.
Spot on! I have been having to deal with my older brother narc during my mom's illness and now her death and he has put me through absolute hell. He has done ZERO to help, but then loves to swoop in and criticize everything I've been doing.
It is a daily challenge. Despite everything I KNOW is true, find myself going back to questioning my truth. "Maybe they're right? Am I missing something? Maybe I should just say what they need me to, so I can have my family back ... maybe it's worth it?"
Then I sit there & replay all those times ... all of the injustice ... the UNWILLINGNESS to have a rational discussion, so that the ROTTEN CORE can be exposed and treated.
They all get to "do the dance," and avoid the problem.
Their lives get to go on, like any other day.
However, mine ... not so much.
For me, every day is another potential, "trap."
Worried about an unintentional misstep.
Someone who misunderstood/misconstrued something I did/not do.
So they could behave badly.
Release, project their garbage on someone else.
With zero accountability.
Just blame me.
Why NOT?
1: I WILL ALWAYS be judged wrong, immediately and100% of the time.
2: if I DO bring it up, I will be punished & revalidated as "crazy one" paving the way for further abuse of this cycle.
What saved me - when I finally realized that for me, in this lifetime & with this family, there will be no justice.
EVER.
Came to terms with for whatever reason - dharma, kharma, lesson, whatever .... it just IS.
I quit asking why.
I quit trying to get them to see me for who I am.
I quit trying to convince them I was telling the truth.
I quit trying to prove to them I was a good & honest person.
I quit seeking justice.
Finally realize "fair" and "just" were just useless concepts, in which my belief caused immeasurable suffering.
Also bullsh*t ... that saying, "family is everything."
FAMILY is NOT everything.
In fact, these are often the most F*CKED UP & CRUEL PEOPLE in our lifetimes.
They abuse their tribal status, knowing you can't get away, not without severe trauma, shame, loneliness hardship as a result of being on your own in the world.
These evil f*cks know they've got you in a hard spot.
And will exploit you as long/hard as needed, for even a SECOND of relief for their own/unhealed ego wounds.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY should have to spend time around people who treat them like GARBAGE.
ESPECIALLY family. They're supposed to PROTECT you.
Going NO CONTACT with family can be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.
But, as my son reminds me sometimes, there are a lot of other people in the world, AMAZING people, who will SEE you, who you are, recognize your greatness.
FAMILY is just a word, like LOVE which is defined by the perceiver.
If the people you share DNA with SUCK, go find a new family.
Just bc they share your blood doesn't make them immune to being a**holes & you deserve better.
Amazingly put. You have it figured out.
I would love to hear more about narcissistic siblings, and also how they try to control the family. I feel like my sister is doing this with my mom. I believe my mom is a victim of financial abuse.
My oldest brother (the Golden Child) forced my mother to write me and my other brothers out of her will. She clearly had dementia. Then he neglected her deliberately, hoping she would be killed in an accident so that he would have more money.
Yes!!!
My youngest sister (55) couch surfs & always lands on my elderly shut in dad’s house when she wants sums of cash😡
I really feel like she’s got more than NPD. Fluent liar about all topics. Makes up fantastic stories about investigations she’s a part of, health issues & a variety of reasons she can’t work🤦🏼♀️ My dad feels ‘sorry’ for her despite her fits of rage.
They extremely hypocritical. As you stated they say they want a relationship but their actions don't reflect that. And when you address the issue they gang up. A cycle.
they want the relationship that is in their reality. It's probably not of reasonable balance
My brother insultated, contempted me, harassed me, offended me and beat me up.
At 42 yo I was sent to hospital because of him. He even threatens to beat me with a tennis racket. He was 47 yo.
My mother always said I was the one who began the fight.
Sorry to hear that. Why are you around him at your age (and his age)? My brother tried to attack me when I was in my twenties. I felt so undignified as a grown woman to receive that treatment from my brother.
My narcissistic mother and siblings just carry on with all of the abuse and hurt that I have had to endure my entire life. They will never change and I will need to learn how to carry on alone.
I’m in the same boat. It’s just wrong. Why do we suffer and loose out of connection with our own Kin-
Jerry, thank you for discussing sibling narcissist abuse. Number 5 nailed it for me. I have endured this abuse since I was a child from one of my siblings. Then another one was recruited to join in. It is is hell. The rumination playing over and over in my head of why were they abusing me led me to serious health problems. I finally had enough of their abuse that I went no contact. Best thing I ever done. I'm healing now.😊
Most narcissists will not change till they die. What is constant about them is their desire to be the greatest and their disposition to bring others down. They all play games, lie and rob. One must take anything they say with a grain of salt and not get involved in their drama. We will definitely suffer some kind of loss. What may destroy us more than the narcissist is our reactions to those losses. There lies the dilemma: because we are human and most of us grieve, we have great difficulty to get out of perpetual grief when the narcissist puts us in a situation of perpetual loss. Some of us victims of narcissists suffer a pain we cannot escape.
Yep, my brother destroyed our family. 'Overprotective' is such a weird word. He was indeed only controlling. Living with my mother, so to speak, even in the retirement home.
Playing the victim, for the intense problems he caused.
6:00 this! They act like you getting frustrated with them momentarily after months of them HARRASSING you is the same thing
You described my sister and family perfectly!
My older sister is extremely hateful and vindictive.
I stopped all interactions with my family. I know I made the right decision, I know they will not change.
They act like a secret cult
My narcissister is a nightmare.
My sister was text raging at me about how I am so mean to her and a bad sister and treat her poorly etc. The whole equality thing you talked about hit me and I thought seriousely?! This time I didn't argue back but texted instead "Ok, but so are you. You do the same things to me. We're in the same boat, so why on the war path?" This frustrated her entire argument so much, she stopped hate text raging at me every 2 weeks and instead gave me 2 months of the silent treatment. Ahh such blissful silence.
My sisters used sarcasm as a self deflection tool. They used it to make our parents laugh to "care" for their traumatic emotions. They used their sarcasm to bully and subjugate me. Their friends apologized to me for their obviously cruel behavior. They were never interested in a relationship with me ever. They bullied my empathy and compassion and used it as a weapon against me. I no longer have a relationship with them and after thirty five years finally admitted this to myself.
Thank you Jerry for this video. It's painful to have a narcissistic sibling, "the golden child", that is always protected by narcissistic parents and spoiled. And it's even worst when the sibling has serious mental issues, the parents are divorced for years but this illness keeps everybody in control! That's a mean, cruel and so emotional manipulative way of keeping everybody in that drama for years! That's a HUGE CROSS to carry on! And it's so destructive!
Hopefully, this is the time when teachings and therapies on narcissism are spreading very fast and I'm so thankful for that!
Unfortunately, myself I lost so many most precious years in my life because of a toxic family triangle and I haven't had yhe knowledge what was going on! Flying monkeys, enablers... family members that stay passive, don't react, do not defend you and let the narcissist mistreat you... that's a real drama. I'm glad that younger people can learn earlier than I could abouts this personality disorder. They can learn how to defend themselves and deal with it so early and have a better future! That's a blessing 💫
😢
My both toxic narcissist Siblings. I went NO CONTACT and I BLACK LISTEN. NO MORE just want to live in peace.
Wow you are spot on Jerry!! I’m 63 yo and my sister has recently confirmed what suspected for a while by her reaction to my one outbursts to her 24. She’s the victim and I have many flaws as she likes to point out. She wants to “talk” which is another way of saying she needs to tell me what’s wrong with me. I’m proud to say that I have grown over the years by watching videos like yours and I walked away. No contact. I won’t play these games anymore. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It has helped me immensely 🙏🏻😊
I have a malignant narc sister and niece and they manipulated the whole family against me. Fortunately i have God in my life and can deal with this
This is a good time of year for me to listen to this. Having narcissistic family members is very difficult, especially around Christmas. I am working on my own enmeshment in order to separate from them. I signed up for the course and am looking forward to finding "me" in all of this. They paint as a mean, evil sister. I have realized that it is the projections of their feelings that have nothing to do with me. It has only gotten worse as we grow older. Thankfully, I have found help in even listening to this explained.
My relationship with my brothers (I have no sisters) only got worse as we got older. Tried to reconcile with them to no avail.
I'm painted as the sister of high standards where nothing is good enough. As soon as he said it to attack me instead of take accountability for his lies, I thought it was projection. Interesting you have a similar experience. From what i've learnt so far, their idea of you doesn't change so separation is the only option.
I had a narc mom. Learned her critical ways and triangulation. I thought this was normal to pseudo connect intimately. It's hard to navigate the world with cptsd
Treat the narcissistic family in a business kind of way, cos if you use the emotions, they keep triggering you. Very true, thank you! I'm fed up with being fooled by them! I have to accept what they say. They never take serious what I say. Their reality Vs my reality. This is also true. I've noticed. In the end they make you think all the time they're the oracle of truth.
Thank you for this insight. I have always wondered why I let them have so much power over me. When you said ‘because we want to share a reality with them’ it just clicked. I didn’t know I had this need in my subconscious. This is probably what hooks us to them. One other thing my sibling always used to bond with me (to trick me) is the common interests we share. Like reading books. Making you think you have a good relationship with them when you dont
Music is my brother's bond with me. The relationship is flimsy at best, and it is always on his terms. I learned long ago not to rely on him.
I do still love him. That is more than I can say about our mother.
@@DebbieLee-dr3hrIt's so sad. You are kind to love ur brother in spite of everything ❤😢 my relationship with my own mother is rocky too. They r immature but they left me. Maybe because they see it's not making anyone happy
HI Jerry. Thank you for your video's/information. Scapegoat here. I was the emotional punching bag for my family; so was my brother/physical punching bag for my sister. I thought I had recuperated from it all/had a child and passed down some of this illness to child. This is the real killer. We pass this down even when we think we aren't/even when we think we are ok/ we are not. We need to stop this from being passed down generation to generation.
Amen! You’re not alone feeling this way. I too have these thoughts of passing it down. My daughter has narcissistic traits now. Because I & my husband were raised in toxic environments we tried to, what we thought, protect our children & never make them feel less than. Boy were we wrong. The sweetest most loving child turned into the most “l’m never wrong & never take accountability “ adult. She has slowly been becoming aware of her behavior since moving hundreds of miles away but still has a LONG way to go.
@@denisem4575 Mine is emotionally stunted. He never seemed to learn from his mistakes and did not grow emotionally. I can't figure out how I caused this. Im stunned. He also underwent surgery at 2 months of age and came out a different child/screamer after that. There were many reports of other parents experiencing personality changes with children age 12 and younger once they had gone under anesthesia/surgery till those stories were removed from the internet. For me, I would say both had an effect on my son. I pray for him and my family to change and Im not an overly religious person but ... I wish you and I the best of luck and for our children too.
@@elizabethtowers3321 💛
@@elizabethtowers3321The surgery he had as a newborn could have caused an attachment disorder.
@@didirobert3657 I'll look that up. thank you. My concern was the lack of oxygen to his 2 month old brain during surgery. It should have been more of a simple procedure but the Dr. slipped with the "knife" and cut my sons small intestine which meant more time under anesthesia to do repairs. they did not allow anyone to pick him up for days/taped down to the crib mattress/only nurses could handle him. Attachment disorder could be but I wonder about fear/confusion having also damaged the little guy not to mention pain. He completely changed during that 7 day period.
My sisters were brutal and of course my parents never said anything to them
I'm so grateful you talk about this topic. Both my parents & all 3 of my siblings are narcissists, but no one believes me. All my life I feel I'm the crazy one. Sometimes I still do although intellectually I know they've been exploiting my empathy & compassion. They've been expecting me to serve them while they've been badmouthing & gaslighting me for years
same, both parents and 2 sisters are all narcissts plus brother in law, i have to learn to stop feeling fear,obligation,guilt and shame when i refuse to help them out of my kindness and empathy
Me, too!
I believe you ❤
Sarah, I believe you. My grandmother, may G_D rest her soul, said people dig their way to Hell with a teaspoon (like a sociopath/narcissist) while others dig their way to Hell with a shovel (such as a murderer or bank robber - they know they are doing wrong).
I believe you, too. HG Tudor says it’s In 16% of population, NPD is more common than we thought. I have NPD siblings and parents and it has really changed me.. they tried to suck all the light out of me, my sunny disposition is gone, sadly. They are truly horrible and abusive, they project their sickness onto us.. twisted. No contact is the only way.
This is right on time! I went low contact with my sibling (we only text on holidays and birthdays). She is trying to reel me back in. Not going!!
Without a doubt, one of the best channels on scapegoating and how to deal with nacisistic abuse past and present. Professional, absolutelly insightfull, honest and generous. Thank you Mr. Jerry Wise.
He has a lifetime of content by reading and empathizing with us.😇
Thank you for validating our reality. 🙏
The birthing vessel is at the helm of her pig, flying monkeys.
Not once did the Narc ever try to heal the relationship between the scapegoat and the flying monkeys but continued and encouraged the hatred by lying about events that never happened.
I should have been removed from the “home” and given up for adoption and they should have been tried for abuse.
No contact over Christmas!!!
Yes I actually had to demand she leave the house the other day. Her disruptive, snarky presence disturbs the peace of my mother's house. My mother just wants us all to get along after she dies. But my brother and I have no more patience for her dysfunction.
Thank you Jerry - I have been on a recovery journey since 2017 when the therapist that my sister and I were seeing revealed to me after she did not show up for the last sessions that she was Narcissistic and that I needed to educate myself to protect myself . In my journey I realized my mother was also a Covert Narcissist and my father a codependent. I'm at the point now update detachment. I watch your videos often.
My father passed away this year and my mother and sister have gotten progressively worse in there behaviors and actions. I cared for my father alongside my mother.
For several years I have had to use every tactic to survive, Grey rock, no contact, I finally realized her actions were not about me and my father. Although he validated my feelings often when she was not around when she was.
Treating me disrespectfully. It was painful to see him silent when he knew I was in pain and she was wrong. Now that he has passed.
My sister never helped only critisized any action I took to take care of them. Your videos have helped me so much too understand it's not about me. It's about them. You have taught me how to protect myself.
And my family. You are such a good man and you are doing such a good work in this world. Thank you❤
"We want to share that reality even if it is negative." Thanks for the insight Jerry and tips.
You're very welcome
As one who had to break ties with a sister (who i dearly love!), it's refreshing to see this specifically addressed. Different dynamics than the commonly referenced parent or partner. The emeshment builds up gradually over time; it's hard to realize it's killing one's soul. It can take a long time to find oneself once separation happens at last.
My youngest sister is classic. I was counseled to go no contact. She will not admit fault ever. Several family members got on my case when this happened. She was the one who told them. I have no idea how many folks she poisoned who didn't confront me. A family wedding is coming up and I dread her fake lovey dovey stuff in front of folks there.
Your description is so accurate, I even felt some times I spent most part of my life in a gaslighted state, not being able to be myself. I’m 49.
My sister is a sick person or evil or both.
That's the first time I've heard a good explanation on why we connect with them - the desire for a shared reality. This is great, thank you.
Thanks mr. Wise.
I broke off relations with two narcissistic siblings in the course of a year. Very recognizable in your video is the persistent urge to keep having a shared reality with them. When feeling the urge to contact them on the basis of that urge, I then realize it is hopeless, and am then thrown back on a deeper level of inescapable confrontation with deeper feelings. It will all work out -for me, in isolation from them. It is very supportive to have a clear video like yours point out the fundamentals, like the longing for a shared reality.
Geert Horringa, The Netherlands
Congratulations on 100k Mr. Wise. Your channel is like free therapy
It really is like free therapy sessions for the general public, it's brilliant😊.
Thank you for this video has come at the perfect time. I have gone completely silent with my siblings including spouses and their children. Going silent has been the best thing for me. I’m not happy I went silent but for my health I had too.
Narcissist siblings set you up to take care of Narcissistic parents. You will never realise it till it's too late.
I realized it fast. He made sure he gets the money. I will do my best to care for her when she needs help( she’s 82 ) .my sibling is really something, in his 50’s, worse than ever. So much hate.
@@rosalindr4975 they can get very tricky. They play the devils advocate. That's the worst. They will make sure they are in the right all the time. You won't even be able to argue the case.
@@phoenixrising4768 my brother honed his skills on me. Slander, set ups, so creative in his evil plots. Boggled my mind. I stopped talking to about 4 years ago. I got married & his texts congratulating me were vile.
All he cares about is money and himself. We are all chess pieces on his game board, he thinks.
@rosalindr4975 until you go into therapy and with the help of a good therapist, sort things out you won't realise what's happening. They will justfity everything, including you are an empathetic person, this allowed you an outlet for your empathy..
"You are as lovable as they see you as unlovable." *Jerry, you're good (in the most potent sense of the word). Glad I found your channel, and your last name - definitely prophecy. Much thanks.
Wow Jerry you nailed it again. I just spent the whole video nodding my head. You get it! I’ve had a lifetime of frustration of my narcissistic mother and narcissistic sister wreaking havoc and creating so much family drama. I’m now minimal contact with my mother and no contact with my sister and there is so much more peace in my life. There is no changing them, they think everyone else has the problem, not them. Thank you for this video!
Thank you! Appreciate your clarity. Learned from a past video; you discussed how narcissist parent(s) really do not set up their children during the childhood phase, to get along and/or be friends as adults.
I grew up with TWO. And a narc mother. The oldest brother was the golden boy; the middle brother the scapegoat. I was the youngest and only girl. I was the whiny, crying spoil brat. I was so stressed out(from 2-4) that I couldn’t eat. I remember our doctor commenting on how my rib cage was showing and my stomach was sunken in. He gave her some vitamins or something.
I always believed that my problems around food were my fault. I’ve spent 50 yrs trying to “fix” my problem.
You just described my mother. As the enmeshed the narcissist. My malignant narc sister is more overtly evil.
00:32 🤔 Narcissistic siblings often locate family pain in those who are reasonable and truth-tellers, creating problems for the scapegoat.
01:57 😡 Narcissistic siblings project their anger, hurt, and shame onto others, making them appear as the "crazy" ones.
03:30 🔄 Narcissistic siblings often employ "divide and conquer" tactics, manipulating family dynamics to avoid responsibility.
04:31 🤝 Triangulation with siblings is used as a pseudo intimacy, creating unhealthy dynamics within the family.
05:25 ⚖ Narcissistic siblings perceive reactivity as equitable, even when there's no parity in the impact of actions.
07:26 🚫 Discussing past issues is discouraged; it's viewed as holding a grudge, making it challenging to address inequalities.
09:51 🔄 Acceptance of negative messages from narcissistic siblings stems from the human desire to share a reality, even if it's a negative one.
10:48 🚦 Trust the behavior of narcissistic siblings, not their words or what you hope to see.
11:22 🛑 Avoid emotional and mental leasing; stop obsessing over narcissistic siblings to regain control.
12:25 🤝 If necessary, communicate with calm assertiveness and businesslike professionalism to minimize criticism.
13:06 ❤ Remember your self-worth; you are as lovable as you truly are, despite how narcissistic siblings may perceive you.
“We have an innate desire to share our reality with others” this is so real and heartbreaking but helps to know a person is not alone in this
Shared reality = understanding
Jerry, you described my brother & the family dynamics to a tee, it’s insanity and makes me sad it’s so textbook.
Perfect timing on this subject. I made it through the holidays with the knowledge and awareness from your videos. You describe my sibling perfectly! I'm going to stay as far away from them for as long as possible.