The narcissistic sibling caused so much damage that I decided to leave the entire narcissistic family system. There's no fixing an abusive family system.
💔❤️🩹❤️ You're not alone. When I found others online who are going through this as well, it helped me to know this: that I'm not alone. Unfortunately, that's how it is for for me too (for now, anyway).
Hi fellow human, I want to know what did other enablers or flying monkeys do.. Like my narc sibling does all gaslighting and triangulations between my parents and other normal sibling. I have cut off my narc emotionally after she discarded me brutally but have to keep in touch every two times in a year during functions and holidays.. Please guide me whether flying monkeys completely slave it to the narcissist as it is already happening by my mother and even brother too sometimes but they have not left me yet, but they abuse me subtly due to narcs brainwashing of flying monkeys against me. I don't want to cut off my entire family. It is definitely not possible for me but I want to protect myself and my married family by creating boundaries.. How do I go about it.. Any suggestions??
It's all you can do. In my family everyone knows my narc / sociopath older brother is a pathological liar and pits people against each other. Yet they listen to his lies about me and pretend he's normal because they don't want to get involved. smh
@braingamesballsortgame718 I went low contact first. I tried to stay calm even when they were trying to start an argument. Don't let them upset you. They love to feed on your reactions.
@@braingamesballsortgame718 Hi there, I have greyrocked one, limited contact on line,will not answer calls,only will sms if I feel it's necessary, with another, no contact with one & full contact with 2 other siblings. Do not warn them or announce it. Keep it under your hat. Just do it & if their behavior improves or declines,adjust accordingly. When you have panic attacks whenever you see the person is ringing or sms you, or the thought of being in the same room in a confined space with them, then you know it's time to make some boundaries for yourself. If you feel sick with any contact you need to at least limit contact. If a food did that to you, you would remove it from your diet. I have an intolerance to narcs right now!
We’re not even blood family. She’s got other siblings that she prefers and she acts like I’m her only one in public, like she loves me so much and she’s devastated that I won’t work with her ON MUSIC SPECIFICALLY. We’ve been waiting for her to be ‘ready’ for a year, instead she says she’s pregnant, then 2 months later after having the baby she pregnant again. She’s been telling ppl I’m the one with the TWIN when SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS A TWIN BROTHER. And they are 30 years old. I truly do not want her in my life. I am tired of dealing with all of the lies and fallouts with people who think I really am screaming at her all day or something. Usually I’m working, or asleep, or with my aunt or friends. I have spoken to her since Christmas.
It took me many years and the death of my Mother to realize that my GC sister has NEVER been there for me through difficult times. In fact, she caused some of the difficulties.
They didn’t do anything they pretended as if they had no idea I was even going through anything. All the while they had been plotting on their own music careers while in getting publicly ostracized on their behalf. If you don’t know anything what are you planning for? I said I’m moving they said “we’re going with you!”. They swear I’m mean and cruel to them but they want me to help them be musicians. I’m so tired of all the lies. Leave me alone. I don’t have a twin. I don’t have children, I’m not a Chris brown fan, and I don’t have a bakery. that is her projecting on to me and I’m tired of it.
This! The only expectations you can ever have concerning a narcissistic sibling is that they won't be there for you unless they want to, and that they will probably let you down, so don't even bother.
@@amberinthemist7912 Need to learn cutting off your feelings towards them and act with logic. It will be humiliating the younger you are. But I did it and I have 0 contact with my sibling. Minimum contact with the narcissistic parent, I still show respect but not afraid to call a spade a spade also 0 contact with the narcissist grand parent who was the source to the family problem.
I recall telling an Al-Anon friend that my siblings threw me under the bus in order to protect their delusion that we had a great Dad. He was my first bully and scapegoated me throughout my life. He taught my siblings how to treat me.
THIS IS CHILDS WORST NIGTH MARE Them When You Stop Holding it in Be cause siblings want to take the walk of Denial and then You making you look like your the Problem and know dealing with in marriage I have had alot of problems down throughout Time and Wow This is very interesting is all i can say this day and age really starting to understand just hard to Navigate And have wasted so much time
I am in the process of integrating this truth for myself right now. It’s painful and shocking and powerful. And, speaks to how deep the narcissistic dynamic and wounds go. I do hope one day in the future our society and family systems will be healthier than this bullsshit.
Walking on eggshells for my entire childhood had a serious affect on my relationships as an adult. You’re right: I learned at a young age to not say anything about that sibling to my parents and that my environment at home was not safe. The grieving/wishing for a “real family” was huge.
yes. grieving for loving parents. grieving for a loving sib to partner and play with. home wasn't safe; school wasn't safe; neighborhood wasn't safe...the only safety i could scrape together as a kid was within myself.
@@trudysenglishvictorianhome3244 let us be your family. surround yourself with people who love you for exactly who you are and who understand where you've been and what it's taken you to get here.
The grief is so hard. I feel like I'm reliving it all over again with my children because of what a horrible grandmother and aunt my mom & sister are to my kids. 😢
amen--wish i'd thought of that. i got that a lot: you only have one sib. that only added salt to the wound because even then i knew that sib was a distorter of reality and an enemy rather than an ally. ouch.
The worst part is being told off and blamed for trying to point out their disgusting behaviour. You're supposed "to forgive" or "ignore" or "let it go" - gross how this works.
@@CathySlater-jb3doI began low contact more than a decade ago and lowered it significantly in 2018 and completely 100% no contact in 2020. I'm at 4 yrs of peace after two decades of horror.
It’s sad when you realize your childhood family was and is toxic … complete with a narcissist golden child sibling and scapegoat (yours truly). These are things I just lived with my whole life as normal. The narc golden child sibling gets worse with age…. More and more toxic through the decades till they become sociopathic. They become miserable people. The scapegoat gets wiser and heals and has a happy life
IKR!!?? my narc sib was older and went to high school a year ahead of me. in that time, they poisoned all their favorite teachers against me--had them thinking i was some kind of giant weird loathsome cockroach or something. i remember mentioning something offhandedly to my mom, who figured it out in an instant. that was a huge help because at least i knew at that point that it wasn't me. and it gave me the distance to step back and see which teachers were smart enough to figure out they'd been had and which were too stupid. that part was kinda fun in a perverse way. and of course there's one special teacher sib and i both loved who knew sib was bs'ing her from the start and never bought a word of it. still love that lady!
So pleased you are covering narcissistic siblings. It's taken me many many years to see through my older sister and exactly how her behaviour has affected me (backed up by my parents). Ive been in a trauma bond with her for years. I am starting to take back my life!
"They never think of themselves as a bully. They just think of themselves as right." Almost spit out my coffee. This rings so true. I have a sibling who wouldn't research any of the medical conditions our father had YET would try to overrule my medical decisions because his opinions were always "right". He would even argue with doctors, nurses and other medical personnel because he knew better. He even tried to interfere with my father's hospice care in the last days of his life because he was so sure that he alone knew what was best.
Yes! My sister complained about some of the things I do. I apologized, and explained they are symptoms of my ADHD. She said, "those aren't symptoms of ADHD, that's just how you are!" A 5 second google shows that I was accurate. She thinks she can make up her own DSM!
“When a sibling relationship is healthy, it’s very, very special, because it’s someone who is a shared historian of your life. However when you have a narcissistic sibling, they become the distorter of your history. Seeing the narcissism of a sibling, and having it be invalidated or ignored by other people who are witnessing - it feels deeply unjust. It’s a form of abandonment. It’s not even that they don’t see it - it’s very likely that some of your family members do - but they do not want to tip the apple cart. And it’s devastating to realize that within a family, you’re sort of an acceptable sacrifice to maintain a psychologically photoshopped version of the family.” Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for describing what has happened to me. It's deeply validating.
You are so right, Jenn. My older brother was always a bully and my entire family walked on eggshells with him, just to "keep the peace". They all knew he was a monster, but felt it was best not to say anything or call him out. I have confronted him over that past 40 years in what might be considered an unconventional method. I know the games he plays (or tries) and I can stay 10 steps ahead of him. I found his kryptonite is killing him with kindness. He approaches me with various methods to pick a fight with me, but is left dumbfounded when I stay very calm and cool, and am so darn nice to him. That's how you can get a narcissist to walk away with their tail between their legs...and without getting upset or spilling any blood! LOL!
This paragraph does describe my experience with my family of origin. I don’t know that my sibling is narcissistic-but she can be quite manipulative and has a tendency towards entitlement. Basically “I’m sorry that happened to you but can you continue to carry the burden alone and in secrecy so that the image of MY life and our shared family history isn’t tarnished in any way?
@@kencrisp6333 Ken, you are inspiring. I hope to learn this skill. I finally responded to sister in writing after ignoring her missives for quite a while, and took this approach. But I can't do it in person yet; in private she attacks me, and I get too triggered. Interestingly she hasn't responded yet, probably since there's no way to do it and look reasonable, because she's been so very unreasonable.
Best thing I did was cut out my two narc sisters. The triangulation, competition, rage and vitriol that I have copped. Never again! They can have each other 😊
💯 my family. I get shamed and accused of being unforgiving because I now keep boundaries around the repeatedly unapologetically abusive narcissistic family members. It’s damaged my mental health and life so much. They don’t get it and I no longer try to make them. I just don’t care anymore and am focusing on my well being. I will not be sacrificed anymore. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Please continue these sibling focused videos. It's so helpful to get validation that not all developmental narcissistic abuse is from parents. Our siblings have so much power over us as children even though they too may have been children at the time. The damage still gets done.
I have no contact with my family of birth since my guilt-me-into-accepting-abuse mother died. Being away from them is the healthiest thing I have done for myself.
Omg me too!!!!! I swear for years, your smart, your wise meanwhile the same parent destroying me mentally with the siblings…. I stopped contact with them and I’m so happy in my life and marriage ❤❤❤
My parents, primarily mom, certainly set up the toxicity for my narcissistic sibling to rule and reign over the family. Narcissists only get away with what their enablers allow them to.
All true. NPD family members, and their gang of enablers, will reappear when they need something; from a target who is oblivious to their lifestyle, spending habits, and/or problems caused by addiction. It's easier to con an isolated target, than an informed one. Get out, and stay out. Do not expect change from someone who has been working to perfect their abusive techniques since they were a small child.
Having grown up with an alcoholic father, a narcissistic mother and 2 very damaged, narcissistic and toxic brothers and being the only girl was enough for going no contact with ALL of them many years ago . I don't regret it at all, sad but necessary
I have two narcissistic brothers too. I keep a very low contact with them. Only talk to them through text maybe once a year. I am never the first one to make contact. You should never regret it! Glad you went no contact! I should too.
When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. It's an individual choice, that no one but you truly understands and can make. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
True. I have no feelings for my brother. He has basically cut me and my mother, and to a certain extent, my father out of his life. I wish him well. But, we are not friends and we never will be. He's always been a narcissist, and he has had profound clinical anger issues for the past 25 years. He's frankly capable of being violent. He has chosen to stay away. I'm good with that.
I've lived 6 decades with an older narcissistic brother. I wore bruises on my entire body throughout my childhood because of him. At age 17, he joined the Marines and served as a Drill Sargent for 20 years. I've never brought-up anything that he has done to me over our lifetimes. I'm very comfortable in my own skin and don't dwell on the past. I found the best weapon against narcissists is killing them with kindness. It throws them off their games. They start conversations with you that they think will "push your buttons". For example, I never tell anyone who I vote for (President). My brother somehow thinks I'm a big Trump supporter (although I've never claimed that) and he'll start a conversation with "I hope Trump goes to jail for a hundred years". I'll say, "OK". He'll then respond, "Don't that bother you?". I say, "Not at all. You're entitled to your opinions and I'm sure you feel that way for good reason. You're an intelligent guy". He then gives me a blank stare and doesn't know where to go next with the conversation. I don't argue with anyone, and I'm not going to give my brother the satisfaction of controlling my emotions and making me feel miserable. He can offend me only if I give him those powers, which I never will. He'll have to die knowing that he could never ruffle my feathers in my adult life. 🙂
I like your description of "holiday card fantasy of a family that was close knit". That's exactly what my mother thought but she wasn't the narcissist. My brother was the poster child for a narcissistic sociopath or a sociopathic narcissist. My mother was in denial about the serious nature of my brother's personality disorder. If there's one thing I learned it's that no one should tolerate these sick people EVER. GET AWAY from narcissists and if they show a dangerous violent psychotic side....STAY far away from them. After my mother died, I realized I had fallen prey to an image of my brother that never existed, it was all in my head, just like my mother. He wasn't the cute red-headed, good natured kid i thought he was. I never spoke to my brother again and I don't miss him at all. It was like dodging a human bomb.
I got tired when i was younger trying to keep up with my narcisist older brothers and some flying monkey brothers, i grew up and started living my own life separated from them.
My older sister 84 by one year, treated me so badly on a three week trip to Spain in March, it was the final abuse. I feel no obligation to talk or explain. I am seeking a new path creating a new self realization and valuation. Meditating, self care enrolling in a year long course on empowerment for my own growth. I am already a certified life coach. I need to certify my own personal empowerment!🤩
@@betteantor9625 research online “Life coaching programs”. Based on the information provided, you will have your personal parameters to help you choose! When, where, how online or not) cost etc., Don’t forget your greatest asset… your gut! Listen and honor it! What does it have to say!👍❤️
My older narcissistic sister, who was awful to me growing up, is very close friends with my ex-husband and his girlfriend. My sister also does a standup comedy routine in town and I am the brunt of most of her jokes. She’s even gone as far as to invite my ex and his girlfriend to her comedy club and would get him involved in her act about me and throw me under the bus in front of strangers. It’s so humiliating and I’ve pulled way back from our toxic relationship.
This is not okay. Even under the guise of “it’s just for the show,” there is no valid excuse to treat you in this manner. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Can't you move away? This place is a snake nest and they spread their poison all over the place. It might be difficult to keep your boundaries because they are bad mouth you. I wish you all the best!!!❤
I was raised in a narcissistic, selfish, and sadistic family system. They wore me down so much that I had nothing left to lose when I went after who I needed to go after. NOW, that I don't have them around, it's like night and day. I can think for myself, and my head is much clearer because I don't have a million people in my head yapping at once.
In the family system I grew up in and trapped within I learned 1) People bigger than you and older than you are always right and have a right to physically hurt you or insult you 2) Those with more money than you hold all the power 3) Those who hold positions of authority and respect in the community can quite literally get away with murder It's about the imbalance of power between the narcissistic system and the one being abused.
I appreciate you speaking more on this topic. I trusted and loved my older sister and never realized what I was dealing with until after our parents passed away. Our small family has been destroyed by her, nobody speaks to each other. She put me through so much pain, I had to go no contact with her. Lesson learned the hard way. Please keep talking about this issue! Thank you!
I had to stop all contact with my family after my mother died. She was a narcissist and I had written her a letter about herself about a year before she died. Well, the minute she was diagnosed, she shared that letter with the family because I wouldn't speak to her. What I wrote was 100% the truth and because I refuse to take any crap about it, I chose to walk away. My brother was the Golden child. He wasn't there for her when she was alive except for the 2 weeks she'd visit him. But he was right there when she died. Because of that, he told me that "I died when she did". Fine by me. He can keep his lies and gaslit truth and I'll stick to my truth and reality and I'll just stay dead. He says I wasn't there for him. I couldn't watch my mother die. Narc or not, she was my mother and her dying had always been the thing I feared most. He KNOWS that. He wasn't there for ME but that doesn't matter because we scapegoats just don't matter, do we?? I'm living with the lifelong grief of losing my family but I am happy. I am loved, I am respected, I am at peace with my choice because I chose myself for the first time. Wish I hadn't waited so long.
Nine siblings. I heard the word narcissist in the early 70's, "your father is a coersive...". Moved from parents home, avoid "one NPD" sibling". Moved to Paris, learn French, new environment- "I'll have a chance". Life brought me back. Climbed the ladder of success being away from family of origin. Life brought me back. Holidays alone, or arranged to be at holidays when "they" were not. Lonely. It's been a life-time. Siblings are all different. Had to chuck the family for years after mom died. Grief "on-crack" for eight years. Now feel safe enough with two siblings but, even they relate to toxic ones (watch out for the in-laws). Mom was the glue. When the parents get older-die, money, inheritance, "psychological shi* hit the fan". Thank God for this information. Life brought me here. Alone, and not so alone- believing, healing on a path towards post traumatic growth.
I just visited my family after not seeing them for 5 years. They didn’t ask me one single question about my life, about my kids, about my job…..nothing. I listened to a two week long monologue about their lives, their complaints and then I got on the plane realizing that leaving the country was the best thing I ever did. I could count on my fingers the amount of words I spoke over the past 2 weeks. 😂 Stepping out of that dynamic was so necessary to see it properly.
When my sister and I visit I say that she 'holds court' so she can have a captive audience to talk about herself. Nothing I could ever do or accomplish will ever be interesting to her. The last time she came over she met my new cats. Instead of asking me about her she rattled on and on about the one time she had a cat about 25 years ago. Or, at her bbq with the extended family my auntie was asking her about a lifestyle choice that I also follow and I was blatantly ignored and talked over while attempting to engage in the conversation. It's absolutely maddening.
I just returned from a visit to see my mother and narc sister. Our visit did not even last three days before the drama started. I cut the visit short (hate it for my mom’s sake!), but I left knowing in my heart that it was time to cut all ties. My mom is co-dependent and I cannot deal with the drama. My sister actually kicked me out of her house. It was a very expensive lesson. The cost of the airline ticket, the airline fee for an early return flight, general travel expenses, and the $150 dollar Uber ride back to the airport because my sister would not take me. A completely miserable “vacation.” She has offered no apology. Never again.
@@kw25627 That sounds so familiar. I’m sorry. I stayed with my sister 8 years ago when my father passed away. She also kicked me and my children out in the middle of winter after an argument. Narcissists have no empathy. They can’t imagine what you just went through to be there or what you might be feeling. It’s so good to recognize what you are dealing with. They are not safe people.
Yeah, I had to chuck nearly my entire family. It was an extremely traumatic experience and I'm still dealing with the ramifications but it was less harmful than staying in that dynamic. I have one bio family member I still talk to but he doesn't want to "tip the cart." The only thing i can do at this point is move on.
Lol, when my sister called herself a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I was expected to accommodate her. But when she stormed out of my house and left the HSP book on my desk, it meant I needed to stop being sensitive. Of course.
Thank you!!! My narcissist sister is showing signs of dementia and the traits are getting worse. The narcissistic sibling is the root of so much pain and turmoil. Thank you again for this video. Another book would be great too❤
My father had the early stages of dementia. I believe he was a psychopath prior to his dementia. Like he turned into a malignant narcissist. Got all noticeably controlling and paranoid.. showed his narcissism . I get you on this
I am in my early 70’s and every word that you said it true. My mother just passed and the grief that I feel is compounded threefold as I finally am grieving the loss of who my siblings have never been. Thank you for this video, and all that you do. The confirmation of how challenging this dynamic is could not be more invaluable.
I am the youngest and am dealing with the oldest sister. She is getting worse. No matter what, the world is jealous of her. She is a covert narc and seeks to play the benefactor to people she perceives as beneath.
Said this on a video last week, but fits here too. I called my siblings the Batman and Robin of personal invalidation. They took turns, one would do wrong, and the other would gaslight to cover for them. They they would swap. Got a great deal worse after we lost our parents. To this day it has not stopped. I am years into no contact and moving on with life.
I’ve called mine the Dynamic Duo of Dysfunction! I can so relate to the Batman robin analogy. I have experienced the same and like you it got much worse after the death of our parents.
@@dnk4559 Interesting how it gets worse after the parents' death. Same thing happened to me, with my two narc brothers (one overt, one covert). I tried to talk to them about the pain they had caused me, right around the time I came down with a serious illness. They both gave me silent treatments, and I accepted--it's been years now, except for a Christmas hoover attempt from the overt. I'm still in recovery both from the illness and the grief, but they're both getting better.
I'm so glad you're talking about narcissistic siblings. My eldest sister is a vulnerable narcissist, while some of my other siblings have issues too, though I'm not sure if they're outright narcissistic, they're very manipulative and toxic. It's so true what you're saying about narcissistic parents fostering this type of toxic dynamic. My father played us all against each other, he never had a consistent "golden child" but often encouraged rivalry among us to be his "favorite". It was so poisonous that my siblings have never had any problems stabbing me in the back if it meant winning favor for the day. I have gone no contact with the entire family and while I feel lonely and isolated, at least now I'm not waiting for some new betrayal from a family member.
Whole family is dysfunctional. No-one talks to the other. Five of us, 3 brothers two sisters. Most affected by narcissism and physical abuse, emotional abuse - result - there is no family, just individuals. Only two speak and that is only because theyre responsible for Mother - financial (brother) care and wellness (sister) There is absolutely no love loss - no one of them care about the other, just themselves. I have tried but only get reproaches. I stepped away because of my sisters manipulation and control tactics.
A malignant covert Nic sibling (golden child) poisoned our family for years, and wrecked financial havoc. Our parents didn’t or wouldn’t see it. Since their deaths, have gone low contact and just keep in contact with my sister. But your final sentence hit me hard-yes, we were sacrificed to photoshop the perfect family.
Dr. R, thank you. This is such an important topic. It’s not always about the older sibling or birth order. Your comments about what how the parents and extended family react are spot on! When you live in that special kind of hell where both narcissistic parents kept flipping the roles of each child (Golden or Scapegoat) and finally select their favorite based on how much that child has grown up to be just like them, the verbal abuse and disregard for healthy boundaries is no surprise. The surprise is when you find out it will never get better. The parents and sibling will double down on their crazy making behavior until you have to step away to protect your sanity. Because your reputation is already being trashed by the endless gossip and smear campaigns. It hurts more to stay, than to leave. And one day, you realize the stress, drama, and never feeling safe with these people can be in your rear mirror. And that is a gift. Like you.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue! I was raised to serve my golden child sister who is four years older than I am, I served her loyally and faithfully until I was in my late forties when she went out of her way to completely destroy me. I was living abroad, had a great job, so she lied to and about me, stole everything of mine that she could. Twenty years later, after being caregiver for our mother, stepfather, and my fiance, I'm struggling to survive. Listening to you speak about the sibling relationship with a narcissist is so validating, thank you again
Whoa. This is triggering me to a degree I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. I feel incredible resistance to listening, but at the same time know it's calling as something very important for healing. Even have a headache now which is rare for me. You're definitely on to something, Dr. Ramani. I think this issue is more significant to most of us than we are aware of.
I'm female, 2 yrs older than my only sibling (narc brother). He's the golden child; I'm the scapegoat. My dad's a narc; my mom is codependent with narc tendencies. My brother is successful; I struggle financially. He's been married 3x and has an adult son I've never met. I've never been married, no kids. He moved far away, while I remain in a city I don't like, to care for my aging parents. My brother & I had a falling out in 1999. There's no peace, but at least I can sleep at night.
This could not have come at a better time. I just had a major blowup with my brother over the care of our mother. I joined her and transported her home from the hospital. And when I asked my brother to come stay with mom for long enough for me to go home, get my medicine and feed the dogs then come back, both mom and I were victim blamed for not contacting him sooner. Our actions were "inexcusable." And we "were lucky" to have his help because he's a very important and highly paid crisis planner (who obviously can't deal with unplanned things like his mom breaking fracturing her knee).
Dr Ramani! You nailed it again. Everything you said in the video applies to my family. And every example you used. I have been "sacrificed' to keep the dysfunctional, narcissistic system going. It's absolutely crazy-making to stay in the system - I am no contact with my narcissistic sister (who married an even bigger narcissistic man), extremely low contact with my parents (my mother is the head narcissist in the family and my father is her chief enabler), and I have a fairly decent relationship with my second sister, who gets it but won't "rock the boat" because she's seen what happened to me, the truth-seer.
My eldest sister married an antagonistic narcissist while the rest of us were still young. His dysfunction infected our whole family and almost completely took it over. My mother was so attached to our sister that she completely enabled this takeover and now wonders why everyone can’t just get along. So frustrating
A second Thank You to that person who suggested this video topic, as my spouse listened. He had asked how I saw his family, and my family at about the very time this started playing. I checked my phone and voila. The topic came up because of the title of Dr Carter's upload today.
please, please more videos focusing on narcissistic siblings. I’m 65 and didn’t figure it out until two years ago, but I had done the no contact years ago with two of the five family members. A cousin rocked my boat when it became vividly clear she was a covert, vulnerable narcissist, and had been playing me(I believe for my money, knowing I had discarded my family of origin) that tipped the sails to crash , but intensive therapy supportive Husband every video- book. I can get a hand on dealing with the fallout of years of manipulation has guided me to become stronger thank you Dr. Ramani and, supporters of her RUclips for your guidance
Dr. Ramini, I receive so much wisdom and solace from your videos. Today’s was spot on for my current season in life. Thank you for the gift of understanding you share! Stay on your path.
The way I deal with my narcissistic siblings is by simply giving them the cold shoulder and completely block them as well. The blocking includes social media and texting. And I do it for months. Eventually they get that I will not put up with their behavior. It has worked very well, to the put that they become careful as to what they say.
This could not be more accurate. Unsettling how well you describe my family, quotes and all. Thank you for posting this video. I wish there were solutions to these problems.
At the death of my parents within 12 months of each other the "sibling group" fell apart. I examined this phenomenon closely and realized that neither of my PARENTS knew how to create a unit--a community--a carrying foundation for the four children they had because they came from a generation in which children were not valued as individual HUMANS. Fed, clothed, schooled, given chores and left to our own devices. I am certain they never spent one minute THINKING about or PONDERING our family unit. I never occurred to them.
Big age gap between myself and my siblings. I'm the youngest and was always bossed around and treated horribly because I was the little one. Today, I'm called narcissistic. In reality, I've always been the scapegoat with the Golden ones being my mother's flying monkeys. I'd love to hear a video on this topic along with big age gap (6 years+) from the other siblings. This is a topic you can't get too much info on. This coupled with RTS (religious trauma) has not been easy.
When I had hard choices to make, such as whether to divorce a husband who turned very physically cold on me, my narcissistic parent would always say “You can’t, you can’t” as if it was somehow illegal. “Go back, he loves you”. I definitely ruined the picture postcard family image.
Thank you so much for your insightful content. I am an only child and my husband has one sibling -- his narcissistic brother. As much as I sometime wish I had a sibling, witnessing the role of this brother in my husband's life, has often made me glad that I was an only child!
Same here, only child whose husband's sister is a malignant narcissist. Now that his parents are gone, we only deal with her through lawyers due to split properties. Sense of relief in many ways. Be well!
@@maricepelletier2107 Lucky you! My husband has been in the family business with his brother and fortunately, that is coming to an end soon. Their parents are also gone but the business has continued for several more years. We wish we had this information 30 years ago but we are grateful for it now. This is a societal issue beyond a family structures one. Societies reward the narcissists and punish the victims and the vulnerable and we are left to our own devices. Hopefully, we are evolving toward more constructive solutions but I often doubt it, judging by the state of our world! Take care.
@@ladym1910 Keep all emails (usually toxic), and don't respond to your brother-in-law. As to society, our empathy is what feeds these type of people until we realize we must have empathy towards ourselves (not victimhood). Be well, share with your husband, and you and him must be the priority. Nothing would make such a narcissist happier than seeing a break in your relationship. Be well, and do take care.
@@maricepelletier2107 No problem there. He hasn't spoken to me in almost 20 years because I dared to point out to him that he had hurt my husband. I like your idea that we need to substitute empathy for ourselves for victimhood!
I always hope for the best but expect the worst from everyone, whether they're strangers, co-workers or friends in my life. I hate and shouldn't feel the same way with family. It's too bad blood isn't always thicker than water.
The original saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” which is where the saying “Blood is thicker than water” comes from. So it’s a cherry picked version of the original used to perpetuate toxic family systems and structures.
This video nailed it to a T with my family 💯. You make me feel like I’m being heard even though I have never talked to you when my own mom won’t even listen to me. I can’t thank you enough for helping me heal though my past with my family.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't express how much I needed to hear this. I'm a trying my best to heal, but it's still a long way, cause I still have contact with my family. But to hear my exact same words from someone who doesn't know me makes me feel so empowered and understood, because I got a moment again where I can pause for while and clean out my latest pile of self-doubts and fears to do family wrong. Instead I got some belief and trust in myself back, so thank you again!
When I went No Contact with 2 siblings 4 yrs ago (all that is left of my immediate family) I definitely became The Problem. I felt like I was 14 yrs old again even though I am 60+ when my sister would try to hoover me by having the police do a "wellness check," and when she sent two other relatives by to peek in my windows because she was "so concerned." If she is so concerned about my wellbeing, why all the gaslighting, patronizing, antagonism, yelling at me in public, dehumanizing, etc. That was what was making me feel unwell and unwanted.
Thank you so much for covering siblings. You've described a lot of what I've been going through. I think I've been treated differently because I'm more agreeable. My sister has told me that our parents are trying to turn us against each other, yet whenever I try to resolve disagreements with her she immediately updates them on what's happened. My parents will then tell me things like, 'she's going through a hard time,' 'you can't fall out with family,' 'this isn't fair on us,' 'we were a happy family before, why has that changed?'... etc... She also seems to get taken more seriously whenever someone upsets her, but when I tried to get support while going through an abusive relationship it felt like I wasn't believed. It's been fairly subtle and I wasn't sure if I was imagining things. It feels like my parents have this idea of the perfect happy family and I've been encouraged into maintaining that, even if it means giving more to people that treat me unfairly or leads away from what I want out of life. That's the thing that hurts the most, that my mental wellbeing is put aside in favour of keeping everyone else happy and calm.
Once again, thank you Dr. Ramani, for this powerful video! I'm so glad you started addressing narcissistic siblings. In short, it sums up my lifelong experience. I've been both the truth teller and the scapegoat and my narcissistic identical twin has completely contaminated all of my relationships in my family. It's taken a lot of work on my part to heal those wounds and maintain relationships with the other members of my family. For the most part I'm good but there are days where I still get triggered. I'm especially triggered with female friends who do the same thing other females in my family have done. The only good that has come out of this, is that I am a therapist who recognizes this dynamic when it's happening in my clients lives. Because I understand it as a therapist, I'm able to help my clients. This video helps me to help myself. Thank you 🙏
This describes my whole family system. I can’t interact with any of them. They externalise blame without taking any accountability for their own behaviour. Then they manipulate the truth in order to control the narrative and impression manage everyone who will listen. Every time!
Thank you for this video… I just lost my dad and my narcissist sister is making hell on earth to get all of our inheritance from my older sister and I. I just cut her out of my life
I got along with my low key narcissist siblings most of my adult life by letting things roll off my back. Recently that has become more challenging. I have had to stand up against emotional abuse from them and it resulted in passive-aggressive withholding by one, and outright verbal abuse by another. Now I am deemed ungrateful, unworthy, and inconsequential. I accepted whatever they offered in the past, never questioning their sincerity. I have come to regret that. It kinda seems they needed me more than I needed them. I don’t let people I do not trust do anything for me. Seems my trust was misplaced.
Golden child brother with highly narcissistic traits triangulates with my covert narcissistic mother, 91 yrs, and even betrays me with my own children. It’s highly toxic. Even the once a year visit he makes to us is very difficult to participate in. Neither have any capacity to self reflect of course and continue spewing their poison. Looking for a way to get out of the yearly visit. Need more on this topic!
I recently,7 months ago, told my GC bossy narc youngest sister that I won't be doing birthdays or religious holidays anymore. I will attend weddings & funerals, so weeks later I was not invited to her daughters,my neice's wedding,in fact it was kept secret from me. 3 out of 6 siblings were not told or invited. I didn't mind not going, it's the hiding it that upset me, my younger brother was heartbroken. Both parents are dead now & the GC narc has turned into an even worse monster. 2x GC are wrecking our family😢
Whenever someone says “but they’re family” my response is “I know, you’d think they would have treated me better”.
The narcissistic sibling caused so much damage that I decided to leave the entire narcissistic family system. There's no fixing an abusive family system.
💔❤️🩹❤️ You're not alone. When I found others online who are going through this as well, it helped me to know this: that I'm not alone. Unfortunately, that's how it is for for me too (for now, anyway).
Hi fellow human, I want to know what did other enablers or flying monkeys do.. Like my narc sibling does all gaslighting and triangulations between my parents and other normal sibling. I have cut off my narc emotionally after she discarded me brutally but have to keep in touch every two times in a year during functions and holidays.. Please guide me whether flying monkeys completely slave it to the narcissist as it is already happening by my mother and even brother too sometimes but they have not left me yet, but they abuse me subtly due to narcs brainwashing of flying monkeys against me. I don't want to cut off my entire family. It is definitely not possible for me but I want to protect myself and my married family by creating boundaries.. How do I go about it.. Any suggestions??
It's all you can do. In my family everyone knows my narc / sociopath older brother is a pathological liar and pits people against each other. Yet they listen to his lies about me and pretend he's normal because they don't want to get involved. smh
@braingamesballsortgame718 I went low contact first. I tried to stay calm even when they were trying to start an argument. Don't let them upset you. They love to feed on your reactions.
@@braingamesballsortgame718
Hi there, I have greyrocked one, limited contact on line,will not answer calls,only will sms if I feel it's necessary, with another, no contact with one & full contact with 2 other siblings. Do not warn them or announce it. Keep it under your hat.
Just do it & if their behavior improves or declines,adjust accordingly.
When you have panic attacks whenever you see the person is ringing or sms you, or the thought of being in the same room in a confined space with them, then you know it's time to make some boundaries for yourself.
If you feel sick with any contact you need to at least limit contact. If a food did that to you, you would remove it from your diet. I have an intolerance to narcs right now!
One thing I've learned is DNA doesn't spell FAMILY.
Very insightful. Thx
I agree. I don't however believe in the family you make scenario either.
We’re not even blood family. She’s got other siblings that she prefers and she acts like I’m her only one in public, like she loves me so much and she’s devastated that I won’t work with her ON MUSIC SPECIFICALLY. We’ve been waiting for her to be ‘ready’ for a year, instead she says she’s pregnant, then 2 months later after having the baby she pregnant again. She’s been telling ppl I’m the one with the TWIN when SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS A TWIN BROTHER. And they are 30 years old. I truly do not want her in my life. I am tired of dealing with all of the lies and fallouts with people who think I really am screaming at her all day or something. Usually I’m working, or asleep, or with my aunt or friends. I have spoken to her since Christmas.
I believe you can change your DNA through diet and making good choices/habits. Narc's struggle in this area why they project their crap onto you
"Relatives" and "Family" are two different words.
The soon you realize that they will not be there for you when it really matters , the better you can keep the peace.
Yup I found out 👍
It took me many years and the death of my Mother to realize that my GC sister has NEVER been there for me through difficult times. In fact, she caused some of the difficulties.
They didn’t do anything they pretended as if they had no idea I was even going through anything. All the while they had been plotting on their own music careers while in getting publicly ostracized on their behalf. If you don’t know anything what are you planning for? I said I’m moving they said “we’re going with you!”. They swear I’m mean and cruel to them but they want me to help them be musicians. I’m so tired of all the lies. Leave me alone. I don’t have a twin. I don’t have children, I’m not a Chris brown fan, and I don’t have a bakery. that is her projecting on to me and I’m tired of it.
This! The only expectations you can ever have concerning a narcissistic sibling is that they won't be there for you unless they want to, and that they will probably let you down, so don't even bother.
They WON’T. And yet you will find that when THEY’re in a crisis YOU will likely be the bigger person and be there for them:).
It can be very challenging to keep the peace with narcissistic siblings. Because the narcissistic parent will often triangulate them with you.
Keep peace while living at home as kids, grow up, move out, make yourself independent from your parents and never look back.
@@dbtest117easier said than done when they intentionally hobble you in order to keep you close.
Or triangulation with other siblings
yes!! The only language my sibling knows is triangulation. Her and my mother talk shit about me constantly to the rest of my family.
@@amberinthemist7912 Need to learn cutting off your feelings towards them and act with logic. It will be humiliating the younger you are. But I did it and I have 0 contact with my sibling. Minimum contact with the narcissistic parent, I still show respect but not afraid to call a spade a spade also 0 contact with the narcissist grand parent who was the source to the family problem.
The family is willing to sacrifice you to not disrupt the continuation of dysfunction. Ouch. I hope everyone gets their chance at freedom from abuse.
"The family is willing to sacrifice you to not disrupt the continuation of dysfunction." Yes. This is ... yes.
I recall telling an Al-Anon friend that my siblings threw me under the bus in order to protect their delusion that we had a great Dad. He was my first bully and scapegoated me throughout my life. He taught my siblings how to treat me.
THIS IS CHILDS WORST NIGTH MARE Them When You Stop Holding it in Be cause siblings want to take the walk of Denial and then You making you look like your the Problem and know dealing with in marriage I have had alot of problems down throughout Time and Wow This is very interesting is all i can say this day and age really starting to understand just hard to Navigate And have wasted so much time
I am in the process of integrating this truth for myself right now. It’s painful and shocking and powerful. And, speaks to how deep the narcissistic dynamic and wounds go. I do hope one day in the future our society and family systems will be healthier than this bullsshit.
@@caseykettering8933 me too!
Walking on eggshells for my entire childhood had a serious affect on my relationships as an adult. You’re right: I learned at a young age to not say anything about that sibling to my parents and that my environment at home was not safe. The grieving/wishing for a “real family” was huge.
yes. grieving for loving parents. grieving for a loving sib to partner and play with. home wasn't safe; school wasn't safe; neighborhood wasn't safe...the only safety i could scrape together as a kid was within myself.
It still is for me a "Dream" to have a Family! But it isn't a Reality for me! 😢
@@trudysenglishvictorianhome3244 let us be your family. surround yourself with people who love you for exactly who you are and who understand where you've been and what it's taken you to get here.
@@trudysenglishvictorianhome3244oh my, me too. 26F & yearn for a family of my own. But I’m alone 😢
The grief is so hard. I feel like I'm reliving it all over again with my children because of what a horrible grandmother and aunt my mom & sister are to my kids. 😢
"You only have one sister or brother." Then Tell them " I only have this one life."
Bingo😊
amen--wish i'd thought of that. i got that a lot: you only have one sib. that only added salt to the wound because even then i knew that sib was a distorter of reality and an enemy rather than an ally. ouch.
I have answered with “it sucks to be them. Why would you screw that up if I am all there is!”
Spot on
Please never stop doing what you do. It really makes a change in today's upside down world.
YESSSSS PLEASE A SERIES ON SIBLINGS!!!
I'm through with those spoiled little pricks!🎉
Yes, PLEASE.
Suffered with siblings for 30 years into adulthood. If they were friends, they would have been tossed within 3 months.
3 weeks
If they could have just been strangers…
I am forever saying "if she wasn't my sister............"
The worst part is being told off and blamed for trying to point out their disgusting behaviour. You're supposed "to forgive" or "ignore" or "let it go" - gross how this works.
There's probably a worse part. Showing shameless audacity by calling you out "insane" plainly because you "dared" to expose their insanity.
It is just amazing reading all the comments and realizing how common this is. Not more feeling alone! 🙏
me too
@@kerrinbadham9599🌞🍀
The same here!
". . . However, when you have a narcissistic sibling in your life, they become the distorter of your history.". That is the absolute truth 💯
I just decided to go 100% no contact with my family of origin, and I prefer the total peace and freedom. I do not miss them at all.
Me too. Best thing I ever did !
@@CathySlater-jb3doI began low contact more than a decade ago and lowered it significantly in 2018 and completely 100% no contact in 2020. I'm at 4 yrs of peace after two decades of horror.
Same I've been a LOT happier and at peace
@@NovaPrincess is it lonely?
It’s sad when you realize your childhood family was and is toxic … complete with a narcissist golden child sibling and scapegoat (yours truly). These are things I just lived with my whole life as normal. The narc golden child sibling gets worse with age…. More and more toxic through the decades till they become sociopathic. They become miserable people. The scapegoat gets wiser and heals and has a happy life
🎯
And the rumours this toxic sibling can spread is enough to make one faint from shock
This right here. My sociopath older brother and narc sister are masters at smear campaigns. They are diabolical.
IKR!!?? my narc sib was older and went to high school a year ahead of me. in that time, they poisoned all their favorite teachers against me--had them thinking i was some kind of giant weird loathsome cockroach or something. i remember mentioning something offhandedly to my mom, who figured it out in an instant. that was a huge help because at least i knew at that point that it wasn't me. and it gave me the distance to step back and see which teachers were smart enough to figure out they'd been had and which were too stupid. that part was kinda fun in a perverse way. and of course there's one special teacher sib and i both loved who knew sib was bs'ing her from the start and never bought a word of it. still love that lady!
Lies, not rumors. My sil is a pathological liar
So agree... They are the ones spreading the gossip...
Genuinely. Used to get panic attacks
So pleased you are covering narcissistic siblings. It's taken me many many years to see through my older sister and exactly how her behaviour has affected me (backed up by my parents). Ive been in a trauma bond with her for years. I am starting to take back my life!
Or as my mother said, "You're the oldest, you must keep the family together after I'm gone." What a lifetime of hurt that has been--
"They never think of themselves as a bully. They just think of themselves as right." Almost spit out my coffee. This rings so true. I have a sibling who wouldn't research any of the medical conditions our father had YET would try to overrule my medical decisions because his opinions were always "right". He would even argue with doctors, nurses and other medical personnel because he knew better. He even tried to interfere with my father's hospice care in the last days of his life because he was so sure that he alone knew what was best.
I hear you!
Sounds like my narc sister
Pfffffff 😢 I have been true this they are sick 🤢
Has anyone heard of or seen a self-proclaimed bully?
Yes! My sister complained about some of the things I do. I apologized, and explained they are symptoms of my ADHD. She said, "those aren't symptoms of ADHD, that's just how you are!" A 5 second google shows that I was accurate. She thinks she can make up her own DSM!
“When a sibling relationship is healthy, it’s very, very special, because it’s someone who is a shared historian of your life. However when you have a narcissistic sibling, they become the distorter of your history. Seeing the narcissism of a sibling, and having it be invalidated or ignored by other people who are witnessing - it feels deeply unjust. It’s a form of abandonment. It’s not even that they don’t see it - it’s very likely that some of your family members do - but they do not want to tip the apple cart. And it’s devastating to realize that within a family, you’re sort of an acceptable sacrifice to maintain a psychologically photoshopped version of the family.”
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for describing what has happened to me. It's deeply validating.
So well said!!
amen. i felt the same way--this was my experience, too. it feels good to be seen and to be validated.
You are so right, Jenn. My older brother was always a bully and my entire family walked on eggshells with him, just to "keep the peace". They all knew he was a monster, but felt it was best not to say anything or call him out. I have confronted him over that past 40 years in what might be considered an unconventional method. I know the games he plays (or tries) and I can stay 10 steps ahead of him. I found his kryptonite is killing him with kindness. He approaches me with various methods to pick a fight with me, but is left dumbfounded when I stay very calm and cool, and am so darn nice to him. That's how you can get a narcissist to walk away with their tail between their legs...and without getting upset or spilling any blood! LOL!
This paragraph does describe my experience with my family of origin. I don’t know that my sibling is narcissistic-but she can be quite manipulative and has a tendency towards entitlement. Basically “I’m sorry that happened to you but can you continue to carry the burden alone and in secrecy so that the image of MY life and our shared family history isn’t tarnished in any way?
@@kencrisp6333 Ken, you are inspiring. I hope to learn this skill. I finally responded to sister in writing after ignoring her missives for quite a while, and took this approach. But I can't do it in person yet; in private she attacks me, and I get too triggered. Interestingly she hasn't responded yet, probably since there's no way to do it and look reasonable, because she's been so very unreasonable.
Best thing I did was cut out my two narc sisters. The triangulation, competition, rage and vitriol that I have copped. Never again! They can have each other 😊
💯 my family. I get shamed and accused of being unforgiving because I now keep boundaries around the repeatedly unapologetically abusive narcissistic family members. It’s damaged my mental health and life so much. They don’t get it and I no longer try to make them. I just don’t care anymore and am focusing on my well being. I will not be sacrificed anymore. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
My siblings are history and I don’t feel bad about it, it’s about time 👍👍
Please continue these sibling focused videos. It's so helpful to get validation that not all developmental narcissistic abuse is from parents. Our siblings have so much power over us as children even though they too may have been children at the time. The damage still gets done.
And it lasts far longer in most cases.
@@OneofMany-yt5sl Yep.
I have no contact with my family of birth since my guilt-me-into-accepting-abuse mother died. Being away from them is the healthiest thing I have done for myself.
Me too.
Same. The last year had been the calmest of my life.
"Gulit me into accepting abuse mother" perfect description. I have one of those.
@@ElizabethWildy You have my sympathies.🕊
I'm glad for you. It's what I never did and should have.
Growing up I frequently heard “You’re older, you ought to know better” no matter how much my difficult brother caused trouble for me.
Omg me too!!!!! I swear for years, your smart, your wise meanwhile the same parent destroying me mentally with the siblings…. I stopped contact with them and I’m so happy in my life and marriage ❤❤❤
Let me guess. You have to "Be the bigger person."
oh wow - if I had a dollar for every time I heard THAT one......
@@CeriSnow-un7jn Yes and "Your sister will never apologize, so don't expect her to"
@@lt827 I don't expect anything from her except to leave me alone, which she still won't do.
My parents, primarily mom, certainly set up the toxicity for my narcissistic sibling to rule and reign over the family. Narcissists only get away with what their enablers allow them to.
All true. NPD family members, and their gang of enablers, will reappear when they need something; from a target who is oblivious to their lifestyle, spending habits, and/or problems caused by addiction. It's easier to con an isolated target, than an informed one. Get out, and stay out. Do not expect change from someone who has been working to perfect their abusive techniques since they were a small child.
Omg your last sentence!!!!! It heats me so hard!!! This is so true 😮
Having grown up with an alcoholic father, a narcissistic mother and 2 very damaged, narcissistic and toxic brothers and being the only girl was enough for going no contact with ALL of them many years ago . I don't regret it at all, sad but necessary
I feel you sister❤❤
❤
I have two narcissistic brothers too. I keep a very low contact with them. Only talk to them through text maybe once a year. I am never the first one to make contact. You should never regret it! Glad you went no contact! I should too.
They will never change, you must protect yourself , move on without them and find your own emotional well-being and peace xx
My story to the T...
When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving. It's an individual choice, that no one but you truly understands and can make. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Keeping peace with narcissistic siblings is like trying to hug a porcupine or trying to pet a great white shark.
Yesssss!!!! Best comment today!!🎉
😅😮😂😊
😂
True. I have no feelings for my brother. He has basically cut me and my mother, and to a certain extent, my father out of his life. I wish him well. But, we are not friends and we never will be. He's always been a narcissist, and he has had profound clinical anger issues for the past 25 years. He's frankly capable of being violent.
He has chosen to stay away. I'm good with that.
Yes!! Why does it have to be like this!
My Mother’s big thing is we need to respect her Golden Child aka Narc #2! No thank you to you and her!
I've lived 6 decades with an older narcissistic brother. I wore bruises on my entire body throughout my childhood because of him. At age 17, he joined the Marines and served as a Drill Sargent for 20 years. I've never brought-up anything that he has done to me over our lifetimes. I'm very comfortable in my own skin and don't dwell on the past. I found the best weapon against narcissists is killing them with kindness. It throws them off their games. They start conversations with you that they think will "push your buttons". For example, I never tell anyone who I vote for (President). My brother somehow thinks I'm a big Trump supporter (although I've never claimed that) and he'll start a conversation with "I hope Trump goes to jail for a hundred years". I'll say, "OK". He'll then respond, "Don't that bother you?". I say, "Not at all. You're entitled to your opinions and I'm sure you feel that way for good reason. You're an intelligent guy". He then gives me a blank stare and doesn't know where to go next with the conversation. I don't argue with anyone, and I'm not going to give my brother the satisfaction of controlling my emotions and making me feel miserable. He can offend me only if I give him those powers, which I never will. He'll have to die knowing that he could never ruffle my feathers in my adult life. 🙂
That's Awesome, Thanks for Sharing 😊
That's good strategy
I like your description of "holiday card fantasy of a family that was close knit". That's exactly what my mother thought but she wasn't the narcissist. My brother was the poster child for a narcissistic sociopath or a sociopathic narcissist. My mother was in denial about the serious nature of my brother's personality disorder.
If there's one thing I learned it's that no one should tolerate these sick people EVER. GET AWAY from narcissists and if they show a dangerous violent psychotic side....STAY far away from them.
After my mother died, I realized I had fallen prey to an image of my brother that never existed, it was all in my head, just like my mother. He wasn't the cute red-headed, good natured kid i thought he was. I never spoke to my brother again and I don't miss him at all. It was like dodging a human bomb.
This is an understatement as a generational thing. I have traced my Family's back four generations and watching a fifth one in the making.
I got tired when i was younger trying to keep up with my narcisist older brothers and some flying monkey brothers, i grew up and started living my own life separated from them.
My older sister 84 by one year, treated me so badly on a three week trip to Spain in March, it was the final abuse. I feel no obligation to talk or explain. I am seeking a new path creating a new self realization and valuation. Meditating, self care enrolling in a year long course on empowerment for my own growth. I am already a certified life coach. I need to certify my own personal empowerment!🤩
Good for you!!! How do i become a certified life coach?
@@lynnewahl5232 your sister is 84 and you went no contact! Good for you. Better late than never
@@betteantor9625 research online “Life coaching programs”. Based on the information provided, you will have your personal parameters to help you choose! When, where, how online or not) cost etc., Don’t forget your greatest asset…
your gut! Listen and honor it! What does it have to say!👍❤️
@@bethmccall9254 The feeling of freedom is beyond belief and I have at least 18 more years to explore!👍❤️
My older narcissistic sister, who was awful to me growing up, is very close friends with my ex-husband and his girlfriend. My sister also does a standup comedy routine in town and I am the brunt of most of her jokes. She’s even gone as far as to invite my ex and his girlfriend to her comedy club and would get him involved in her act about me and throw me under the bus in front of strangers. It’s so humiliating and I’ve pulled way back from our toxic relationship.
This is not okay. Even under the guise of “it’s just for the show,” there is no valid excuse to treat you in this manner.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
@@dawnpokemontrainer Thank you … I truly appreciate that
Wow. That is really an awful sibling. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.
So true .. my siblings wanted to visit my ex though they never in contact with me... Fortunately one of them listened and backed off
Can't you move away? This place is a snake nest and they spread their poison all over the place. It might be difficult to keep your boundaries because they are bad mouth you. I wish you all the best!!!❤
I was raised in a narcissistic, selfish, and sadistic family system. They wore me down so much that I had nothing left to lose when I went after who I needed to go after. NOW, that I don't have them around, it's like night and day. I can think for myself, and my head is much clearer because I don't have a million people in my head yapping at once.
I hope you will have more videos on this subject concerning family. Thank you 😊
In the family system I grew up in and trapped within I learned
1) People bigger than you and older than you are always right and have a right to physically hurt you or insult you
2) Those with more money than you hold all the power
3) Those who hold positions of authority and respect in the community can quite literally get away with murder
It's about the imbalance of power between the narcissistic system and the one being abused.
I appreciate you speaking more on this topic. I trusted and loved my older sister and never realized what I was dealing with until after our parents passed away. Our small family has been destroyed by her, nobody speaks to each other. She put me through so much pain, I had to go no contact with her. Lesson learned the hard way. Please keep talking about this issue! Thank you!
I had to stop all contact with my family after my mother died. She was a narcissist and I had written her a letter about herself about a year before she died. Well, the minute she was diagnosed, she shared that letter with the family because I wouldn't speak to her. What I wrote was 100% the truth and because I refuse to take any crap about it, I chose to walk away. My brother was the Golden child. He wasn't there for her when she was alive except for the 2 weeks she'd visit him. But he was right there when she died. Because of that, he told me that "I died when she did". Fine by me. He can keep his lies and gaslit truth and I'll stick to my truth and reality and I'll just stay dead. He says I wasn't there for him. I couldn't watch my mother die. Narc or not, she was my mother and her dying had always been the thing I feared most. He KNOWS that. He wasn't there for ME but that doesn't matter because we scapegoats just don't matter, do we?? I'm living with the lifelong grief of losing my family but I am happy. I am loved, I am respected, I am at peace with my choice because I chose myself for the first time. Wish I hadn't waited so long.
Nine siblings. I heard the word narcissist in the early 70's, "your father is a coersive...". Moved from parents home, avoid "one NPD" sibling". Moved to Paris, learn French, new environment- "I'll have a chance". Life brought me back. Climbed the ladder of success being away from family of origin. Life brought me back. Holidays alone, or arranged to be at holidays when "they" were not. Lonely. It's been a life-time. Siblings are all different. Had to chuck the family for years after mom died. Grief "on-crack" for eight years. Now feel safe enough with two siblings but, even they relate to toxic ones (watch out for the in-laws). Mom was the glue. When the parents get older-die, money, inheritance, "psychological shi* hit the fan". Thank God for this information. Life brought me here. Alone, and not so alone- believing, healing on a path towards post traumatic growth.
I just visited my family after not seeing them for 5 years. They didn’t ask me one single question about my life, about my kids, about my job…..nothing. I listened to a two week long monologue about their lives, their complaints and then I got on the plane realizing that leaving the country was the best thing I ever did. I could count on my fingers the amount of words I spoke over the past 2 weeks. 😂 Stepping out of that dynamic was so necessary to see it properly.
When my sister and I visit I say that she 'holds court' so she can have a captive audience to talk about herself. Nothing I could ever do or accomplish will ever be interesting to her. The last time she came over she met my new cats. Instead of asking me about her she rattled on and on about the one time she had a cat about 25 years ago. Or, at her bbq with the extended family my auntie was asking her about a lifestyle choice that I also follow and I was blatantly ignored and talked over while attempting to engage in the conversation. It's absolutely maddening.
the lack of curiosity about other people is astounding.
I don’t know how you stayed quiet, that is my goal.
I just returned from a visit to see my mother and narc sister. Our visit did not even last three days before the drama started. I cut the visit short (hate it for my mom’s sake!), but I left knowing in my heart that it was time to cut all ties. My mom is co-dependent and I cannot deal with the drama. My sister actually kicked me out of her house.
It was a very expensive lesson. The cost of the airline ticket, the airline fee for an early return flight, general travel expenses, and the $150 dollar Uber ride back to the airport because my sister would not take me. A completely miserable “vacation.” She has offered no apology. Never again.
@@kw25627 That sounds so familiar. I’m sorry. I stayed with my sister 8 years ago when my father passed away. She also kicked me and my children out in the middle of winter after an argument. Narcissists have no empathy. They can’t imagine what you just went through to be there or what you might be feeling. It’s so good to recognize what you are dealing with. They are not safe people.
Yeah, I had to chuck nearly my entire family. It was an extremely traumatic experience and I'm still dealing with the ramifications but it was less harmful than staying in that dynamic. I have one bio family member I still talk to but he doesn't want to "tip the cart." The only thing i can do at this point is move on.
Wild that you posted this the same day my sister told me I'm too sensitive and need to ask my doctor for medication for it 😂
Lol, when my sister called herself a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), I was expected to accommodate her. But when she stormed out of my house and left the HSP book on my desk, it meant I needed to stop being sensitive.
Of course.
Thank you!!! My narcissist sister is showing signs of dementia and the traits are getting worse. The narcissistic sibling is the root of so much pain and turmoil. Thank you again for this video. Another book would be great too❤
My father had the early stages of dementia. I believe he was a psychopath prior to his dementia. Like he turned into a malignant narcissist. Got all noticeably controlling and paranoid.. showed his narcissism . I get you on this
I am in my early 70’s and every word that you said it true. My mother just passed and the grief that I feel is compounded threefold as I finally am grieving the loss of who my siblings have never been. Thank you for this video, and all that you do. The confirmation of how challenging this dynamic is could not be more invaluable.
Same thing happened to me around the same age. It got so bad that I had to block the sister and the brother. Aging narcissists get worse.
I am the youngest and am dealing with the oldest sister. She is getting worse. No matter what, the world is jealous of her. She is a covert narc and seeks to play the benefactor to people she perceives as beneath.
Well said about grieving the loss of who your siblings have never been. I feel the same.
Said this on a video last week, but fits here too. I called my siblings the Batman and Robin of personal invalidation. They took turns, one would do wrong, and the other would gaslight to cover for them. They they would swap. Got a great deal worse after we lost our parents. To this day it has not stopped. I am years into no contact and moving on with life.
I’ve called mine the Dynamic Duo of Dysfunction! I can so relate to the Batman robin analogy. I have experienced the same and like you it got much worse after the death of our parents.
@@dnk4559 Interesting how it gets worse after the parents' death. Same thing happened to me, with my two narc brothers (one overt, one covert). I tried to talk to them about the pain they had caused me, right around the time I came down with a serious illness. They both gave me silent treatments, and I accepted--it's been years now, except for a Christmas hoover attempt from the overt. I'm still in recovery both from the illness and the grief, but they're both getting better.
I'm so glad you're talking about narcissistic siblings. My eldest sister is a vulnerable narcissist, while some of my other siblings have issues too, though I'm not sure if they're outright narcissistic, they're very manipulative and toxic. It's so true what you're saying about narcissistic parents fostering this type of toxic dynamic. My father played us all against each other, he never had a consistent "golden child" but often encouraged rivalry among us to be his "favorite". It was so poisonous that my siblings have never had any problems stabbing me in the back if it meant winning favor for the day. I have gone no contact with the entire family and while I feel lonely and isolated, at least now I'm not waiting for some new betrayal from a family member.
Oh boy I hear you❤
Whole family is dysfunctional. No-one talks to the other. Five of us, 3 brothers two sisters. Most affected by narcissism and physical abuse, emotional abuse - result - there is no family, just individuals. Only two speak and that is only because theyre responsible for Mother - financial (brother) care and wellness (sister) There is absolutely no love loss - no one of them care about the other, just themselves. I have tried but only get reproaches. I stepped away because of my sisters manipulation and control tactics.
The narcissistic sibling becomes the distorter of your history. Whoa
A malignant covert Nic sibling (golden child) poisoned our family for years, and wrecked financial havoc. Our parents didn’t or wouldn’t see it. Since their deaths, have gone low contact and just keep in contact with my sister. But your final sentence hit me hard-yes, we were sacrificed to photoshop the perfect family.
Dr. R, thank you. This is such an important topic.
It’s not always about the older sibling or birth order.
Your comments about what how the parents and extended family react are spot on!
When you live in that special kind of hell where both narcissistic parents kept flipping the roles of each child (Golden or Scapegoat) and finally select their favorite based on how much that child has grown up to be just like them, the verbal abuse and disregard for healthy boundaries is no surprise.
The surprise is when you find out it will never get better. The parents and sibling will double down on their crazy making behavior until you have to step away to protect your sanity. Because your reputation is already being trashed by the endless gossip and smear campaigns.
It hurts more to stay, than to leave.
And one day, you realize the stress, drama, and never feeling safe with these people can be in your rear mirror.
And that is a gift. Like you.
Thank you thank you!!!!!! A younger sibling who is cruel and .manipulative made my life miserable for 30 years !!!!!!
Thank you so much for addressing this issue! I was raised to serve my golden child sister who is four years older than I am, I served her loyally and faithfully until I was in my late forties when she went out of her way to completely destroy me.
I was living abroad, had a great job, so she lied to and about me, stole everything of mine that she could.
Twenty years later, after being caregiver for our mother, stepfather, and my fiance, I'm struggling to survive.
Listening to you speak about the sibling relationship with a narcissist is so validating, thank you again
Never heard it so clear 😮thank you 🙏
❤ Complications ensue when both parents and 3 of 4 siblings are ENCOURAGED to compete for attention ...
Whoa. This is triggering me to a degree I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. I feel incredible resistance to listening, but at the same time know it's calling as something very important for healing. Even have a headache now which is rare for me. You're definitely on to something, Dr. Ramani. I think this issue is more significant to most of us than we are aware of.
I'm grateful for people like you.
I agree we don't talk enough about siblings dinamics. We need more of this
I'm female, 2 yrs older than my only sibling (narc brother). He's the golden child; I'm the scapegoat. My dad's a narc; my mom is codependent with narc tendencies. My brother is successful; I struggle financially. He's been married 3x and has an adult son I've never met. I've never been married, no kids. He moved far away, while I remain in a city I don't like, to care for my aging parents. My brother & I had a falling out in 1999. There's no peace, but at least I can sleep at night.
This could not have come at a better time. I just had a major blowup with my brother over the care of our mother. I joined her and transported her home from the hospital. And when I asked my brother to come stay with mom for long enough for me to go home, get my medicine and feed the dogs then come back, both mom and I were victim blamed for not contacting him sooner. Our actions were "inexcusable." And we "were lucky" to have his help because he's a very important and highly paid crisis planner (who obviously can't deal with unplanned things like his mom breaking fracturing her knee).
As adults extreme boundaries even including putting emotional and physical space has helped. Protect your peace!
Dr Ramani! You nailed it again. Everything you said in the video applies to my family. And every example you used. I have been "sacrificed' to keep the dysfunctional, narcissistic system going. It's absolutely crazy-making to stay in the system - I am no contact with my narcissistic sister (who married an even bigger narcissistic man), extremely low contact with my parents (my mother is the head narcissist in the family and my father is her chief enabler), and I have a fairly decent relationship with my second sister, who gets it but won't "rock the boat" because she's seen what happened to me, the truth-seer.
Peace comes from no contact.. only regret not doing it sooner
thank you for covering this topic I would love more content on narc siblings
My eldest sister married an antagonistic narcissist while the rest of us were still young. His dysfunction infected our whole family and almost completely took it over. My mother was so attached to our sister that she completely enabled this takeover and now wonders why everyone can’t just get along. So frustrating
Dont keep peace with them. It costs you everything.
Wow that was so on point about my own family and experience. I could share it to family members but then I would be the one causing problems again..🤔
Don’t feel alone…there are many of us
Please do more on narc siblings and estate trusts after narc parents pass. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
A second Thank You to that person who suggested this video topic, as my spouse listened. He had asked how I saw his family, and my family at about the very time this started playing.
I checked my phone and voila.
The topic came up because of the title of Dr Carter's upload today.
please, please more videos focusing on narcissistic siblings. I’m 65 and didn’t figure it out until two years ago, but I had done the no contact years ago with two of the five family members. A cousin rocked my boat when it became vividly clear she was a covert, vulnerable narcissist, and had been playing me(I believe for my money, knowing I had discarded my family of origin) that tipped the sails to crash , but intensive therapy supportive Husband every video- book. I can get a hand on dealing with the fallout of years of manipulation has guided me to become stronger thank you Dr. Ramani and, supporters of her RUclips for your guidance
O.M.G. Yes to all of this.
I could give so many examples...
Dr. Ramini, I receive so much wisdom and solace from your videos. Today’s was spot on for my current season in life. Thank you for the gift of understanding you share! Stay on your path.
The way I deal with my narcissistic siblings is by simply giving them the cold shoulder and completely block them as well. The blocking includes social media and texting. And I do it for months. Eventually they get that I will not put up with their behavior. It has worked very well, to the put that they become careful as to what they say.
Going no contact with my brother and mother has brought me peace. Their peace evades them because no matter where they go, there they are.
This could not be more accurate. Unsettling how well you describe my family, quotes and all. Thank you for posting this video. I wish there were solutions to these problems.
At the death of my parents within 12 months of each other the "sibling group" fell apart. I examined this phenomenon closely and realized that neither of my PARENTS knew how to create a unit--a community--a carrying foundation for the four children they had because they came from a generation in which children were not valued as individual HUMANS. Fed, clothed, schooled, given chores and left to our own devices. I am certain they never spent one minute THINKING about or PONDERING our family unit. I never occurred to them.
Big age gap between myself and my siblings. I'm the youngest and was always bossed around and treated horribly because I was the little one. Today, I'm called narcissistic. In reality, I've always been the scapegoat with the Golden ones being my mother's flying monkeys. I'd love to hear a video on this topic along with big age gap (6 years+) from the other siblings. This is a topic you can't get too much info on. This coupled with RTS (religious trauma) has not been easy.
When I had hard choices to make, such as whether to divorce a husband who turned very physically cold on me, my narcissistic parent would always say “You can’t, you can’t” as if it was somehow illegal. “Go back, he loves you”. I definitely ruined the picture postcard family image.
Thank you so much for your insightful content. I am an only child and my husband has one sibling -- his narcissistic brother. As much as I sometime wish I had a sibling, witnessing the role of this brother in my husband's life, has often made me glad that I was an only child!
Same here, only child whose husband's sister is a malignant narcissist. Now that his parents are gone, we only deal with her through lawyers due to split properties. Sense of relief in many ways. Be well!
@@maricepelletier2107 Lucky you! My husband has been in the family business with his brother and fortunately, that is coming to an end soon. Their parents are also gone but the business has continued for several more years. We wish we had this information 30 years ago but we are grateful for it now.
This is a societal issue beyond a family structures one. Societies reward the narcissists and punish the victims and the vulnerable and we are left to our own devices. Hopefully, we are evolving toward more constructive solutions but I often doubt it, judging by the state of our world! Take care.
@@ladym1910 Keep all emails (usually toxic), and don't respond to your brother-in-law. As to society, our empathy is what feeds these type of people until we realize we must have empathy towards ourselves (not victimhood). Be well, share with your husband, and you and him must be the priority. Nothing would make such a narcissist happier than seeing a break in your relationship. Be well, and do take care.
@@maricepelletier2107 No problem there. He hasn't spoken to me in almost 20 years because I dared to point out to him that he had hurt my husband. I like your idea that we need to substitute empathy for ourselves for victimhood!
I always hope for the best but expect the worst from everyone, whether they're strangers, co-workers or friends in my life. I hate and shouldn't feel the same way with family. It's too bad blood isn't always thicker than water.
The original saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” which is where the saying “Blood is thicker than water” comes from. So it’s a cherry picked version of the original used to perpetuate toxic family systems and structures.
This video nailed it to a T with my family 💯. You make me feel like I’m being heard even though I have never talked to you when my own mom won’t even listen to me. I can’t thank you enough for helping me heal though my past with my family.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't express how much I needed to hear this. I'm a trying my best to heal, but it's still a long way, cause I still have contact with my family. But to hear my exact same words from someone who doesn't know me makes me feel so empowered and understood, because I got a moment again where I can pause for while and clean out my latest pile of self-doubts and fears to do family wrong. Instead I got some belief and trust in myself back, so thank you again!
When I went No Contact with 2 siblings 4 yrs ago (all that is left of my immediate family) I definitely became The Problem. I felt like I was 14 yrs old again even though I am 60+ when my sister would try to hoover me by having the police do a "wellness check," and when she sent two other relatives by to peek in my windows because she was "so concerned." If she is so concerned about my wellbeing, why all the gaslighting, patronizing, antagonism, yelling at me in public, dehumanizing, etc. That was what was making me feel unwell and unwanted.
Thank you so much for covering siblings. You've described a lot of what I've been going through. I think I've been treated differently because I'm more agreeable. My sister has told me that our parents are trying to turn us against each other, yet whenever I try to resolve disagreements with her she immediately updates them on what's happened. My parents will then tell me things like, 'she's going through a hard time,' 'you can't fall out with family,' 'this isn't fair on us,' 'we were a happy family before, why has that changed?'... etc... She also seems to get taken more seriously whenever someone upsets her, but when I tried to get support while going through an abusive relationship it felt like I wasn't believed.
It's been fairly subtle and I wasn't sure if I was imagining things. It feels like my parents have this idea of the perfect happy family and I've been encouraged into maintaining that, even if it means giving more to people that treat me unfairly or leads away from what I want out of life. That's the thing that hurts the most, that my mental wellbeing is put aside in favour of keeping everyone else happy and calm.
Once again, thank you Dr. Ramani, for this powerful video! I'm so glad you started addressing narcissistic siblings. In short, it sums up my lifelong experience. I've been both the truth teller and the scapegoat and my narcissistic identical twin has completely contaminated all of my relationships in my family. It's taken a lot of work on my part to heal those wounds and maintain relationships with the other members of my family. For the most part I'm good but there are days where I still get triggered. I'm especially triggered with female friends who do the same thing other females in my family have done. The only good that has come out of this, is that I am a therapist who recognizes this dynamic when it's happening in my clients lives. Because I understand it as a therapist, I'm able to help my clients. This video helps me to help myself. Thank you 🙏
💕 Thank you Dr. Ramani 💕 for this video from somebody grown up in such a "special" family!😢
Thanks to the person who stopped you at the airport.❤ ❤
This describes my whole family system. I can’t interact with any of them. They externalise blame without taking any accountability for their own behaviour. Then they manipulate the truth in order to control the narrative and impression manage everyone who will listen. Every time!
Wondered why I always had to be the peacekeeper.
Also my siblings are also all flying monkeys.
Thank you for this video… I just lost my dad and my narcissist sister is making hell on earth to get all of our inheritance from my older sister and I.
I just cut her out of my life
You are a genius Dr. Ramani
Whole family now passed. One much younger brother. Forgiveness understanding helps a lot.
I got along with my low key narcissist siblings most of my adult life by letting things roll off my back. Recently that has become more challenging. I have had to stand up against emotional abuse from them and it resulted in passive-aggressive withholding by one, and outright verbal abuse by another. Now I am deemed ungrateful, unworthy, and inconsequential. I accepted whatever they offered in the past, never questioning their sincerity. I have come to regret that. It kinda seems they needed me more than I needed them. I don’t let people I do not trust do anything for me. Seems my trust was misplaced.
After trying for 6 decades, my only option was complete separation.
Golden child brother with highly narcissistic traits triangulates with my covert narcissistic mother, 91 yrs, and even betrays me with my own children. It’s highly toxic. Even the once a year visit he makes to us is very difficult to participate in. Neither have any capacity to self reflect of course and continue spewing their poison. Looking for a way to get out of the yearly visit. Need more on this topic!
I recently,7 months ago, told my GC bossy narc youngest sister that I won't be doing birthdays or religious holidays anymore. I will attend weddings & funerals, so weeks later I was not invited to her daughters,my neice's wedding,in fact it was kept secret from me.
3 out of 6 siblings were not told or invited. I didn't mind not going, it's the hiding it that upset me, my younger brother was heartbroken.
Both parents are dead now & the GC narc has turned into an even worse monster. 2x GC are wrecking our family😢